"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 814
"WOODLAND CRITTER CHRISTMAS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard
in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator
mentions them]
NARRATOR
Way up in the mountains in a small little
town,
The Main Street was being decorated all up and down.
People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more,
Because Christmas need to be bought in a store.
But out in the forest, not too far away...
[A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest
upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate
it.]
NARRATOR
...The little woodland critters were
also preparing for their Christmas day.
WOODLAND CRITTERS
It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.
A Woodland Critter Christmas!
NARRATOR
The little critters worked hard as they
happily sang
And each one of them had a quite interesting name
There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit,
Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear
Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk,
Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer
Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse,
and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that,
was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat.
STAN
What the hell?
SINGER
Christmastime is once a year
Every critter holds it dear
Every animal big or small
Christmas means so much to us all
[The forest. The critters approach Stan.]
RABBITY
Well hello there. Welcome to our forest.
SKUNKY
How do you like our Christmas tree?
STAN
It's... nice.
BEAVERY
Why, it's the most perfect tree in the
forest!
MOUSEY
Oh no, I see a problem.
DEERY
What is it, Mousey?
MOUSEY
Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.
CRITTERS
Ohhhh
BEARY
We can't have a tree with no star on
it.
RABBITY
What are we gonna do?
SQUIRRELY
Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our
new friend can help us find a star.
CRITTERS
Can you really? Oh would you please?
Could you help us?
STAN
Okay, okay.
CRITTERS
Yay!!
NARRATOR
And so, using some paper and working
with glee,
the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree
CRITTERS
Ohhhh
BEARY
It's the nicest star I ever saw.
NARRATOR
The little critters cheered and Beavery
said with a smile
BEAVERY
How would you like to sing and dance
with us for a while?
NARRATOR
The boy in the red poofball hat smiled
and said
STAN
Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home.
BEAVERY
Goo, goodbye Stanny!
CRITTERS
Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy
your hat!
STAN
Wugh.
[Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns
over, and turns on his light]
CRITTERS
Hi, Stanny!
STAN
Oh, whatta?
NARRATOR
His friends were all there! What a wonderful
surprise!
The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes
STAN
What time is it!
SQUIRRELY
You aren't gonna believe what happened,
Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas
gift ever!
SKUNKY
Porcupiney is pregnant!
STAN
You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.
MOUSEY
I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand
the seriousness of the fertilization.
DEERY
Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her
conception was immaculate.
FOXY
She's gonna give birth to our Lord and
Savior.
STAN
...What?
PORCUPINEY
It has been foretold unto me that I
would give birth on Christmas Day.
MOUSEY
So soon!
SKUNKY
How delightful!
WOODPECKERY
Our souls are saved!
CHICKADEE-Y
Finally the critters are gonna have
a Savior of their very own, of their
very own!
SQUIRRELY
There's just one problem: We don't
have a manger for our Savior to be born
in.
CRITTERS
Awwww.
BEARY
But we got to have a manger.
RABBITY
Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us
a manger? Huh?
NARRATOR
"Of course I'll build you a little manger!"
the little boy cried,
and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!
[The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last
few nails in place]
NARRATOR
And out in the woods the boy steamed
right ahead,
making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head
RABBITY
Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger
I ever saw.
MOUSEY
I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly
suitable resting place, for the Son
of our Lord.
RACCOONY
Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
PORCUPINEY
My Son will have the nicest bed in all
the forest.
WOODPECKERY
Fit for a king!
SQUIRRELY
This is going to be the best critter
Christmas ever!
WOODLAND CRITTERS
It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.
We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near-
STAN
All right, I'm going now
CRITTERS
The mountain lion! Hide!
STAN
Go away! Shoo!
SQUIRRELY
Is it gone?
MOUSEY
I deduce it is.
SKUNKY
I'm not c-c-comin' out.
FOXY
Well, this is the end. The mountain
lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant,
and he's gonna kill it again.
STAN
Again?
SQUIRRELY
Every Christmas the mountain lion comes
down and eats the virgin critter impregnated
with the Son of our Lord.
PORCUPINEY
Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.
BEAVERY
Let's face it. The mountain lion will
never let our Savior be born.
CRITTERS
Awwww.
SQUIRRELY
Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas.
We've got Stanny!
RACCOONY
Of course! Stanny can do anything! If
he can build a manger, he can stop that
mean ol' mountain lion!
PORCUPINEY
Christmas is saved!
[The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance.
Dramatic music plays]
NARRATOR
High up in the forest on a dark, craggy
peak,
the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak.
For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty
old cat...
STAN
Goddamnit, this is fucking ridiculous!
NARRATOR
Said the little boy in the red poofball
hat.
[he looks at a cave entrance, then up at the peak]
Killing the mountain lion was no easy task,
but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.
STAN
Grrr. Grrr! Come on out! Come on,
critter killer! Your days of slaughtering
innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr!
Rawrrrrr!
NARRATOR
In a flash it was over! A victorious
blow!
The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
[The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless
and approaches]
STAN
Hokay, there.
MIDDLE CUB
Mommy? Mommy! W... wake up, Mommy,
wake up!
PALE CUB
Don't leave us, Mommy. Man-boy, why?
Why did you kill our mommy? Why?
STAN
I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth
of a Savior?
NARRATOR
The tiny cubs all gathered together
and cried,
All alone in the world because their mother had died.
STAN
Aw. Awww!
[The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire
close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.]
PORCUPINEY
Oooo.
BEARY
You all right, Lady Porcupiney?
PORCUPINEY
Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.
BEAVERY
Well, it's been much too long now. Uh
I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny
must be very dead.
FOXY
Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed
him whole.
RABBITY
I guess that means our Savior is gonna
be made into Savior stew.
CRITTERS
Awwww.
CHICKADEE-Y
Wait a minute, look!
CRITTERS
Stanny!
MOUSEY
Stanny, you're alive.
BEARY
But, does that mean you killed the mountain
lion?
STAN
It's dead.
DEERY
For real and for true?
BEAVERY
Are you sure.
STAN
I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
SQUIRRELY
He did it! Now our critter Christmas
can finally happen! Hail Satan!
CRITTERS
Hail Satan!
STAN
Wait, wha-what?
BEAVERY
You've done us a huge favor, Stanny!
Without the mountain lion around, the
Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the
Antichrist!
CRITTERS
Yaaay Satan!
STAN
Waiwait, the Antichrist?? You said she
was giving birth to your savior!
SQUIRRELY
Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan,
Prince of Darkness.
STAN
But I thought you meant the Son of God!
DEERY
Well, think about it: You really think
God would have sex with a porcupine?
CHICKADEE-Y
No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness
and King of all Evil would do that!
Yay!
FOXY
This just calls for a celebration! Let's
sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
RABBITY
Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
[the other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls
up a satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely.
The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped
up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a big knife. The
other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat
them raw]
CHICKADEE-Y
Drink his blood! Drink his blood!
SQUIRRELY
Blood orgy!!!
CRITTERS
Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!
[the critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin
the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney,
Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hope onto
Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y flits around. In
the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan is traumatized
now.]
CRITTERS
What special time and special day,
It's Woodland Critter Christmas.
SQUIRRELY
Hail Satan.
[The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and
decorate it. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place.
The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring
flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown,
then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried
into his arms at his desk in his room]
NARRATOR
In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas
Eve morn,
The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be
born.
The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past,
But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed.
And meanwhile three lion cubs were crying away.
For them there would certainly be no Christmas Day,
And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat.
All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat.
STAN
Ugh.
NARRATOR
Now that he'd killed the noble lion
queen,
there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.
STAN
Uuugh!
NARRATOR
"I know!" he said with a new happy grin,
"I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
STAN
No nonono.
NARRATOR
He ran out the living room, turned out
the light,
and went back to the forest to set everything right!
[Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on
the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.]
NARRATOR
... and went back to the forest to set
everything right!
[Stan looks at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator]
... He tried to forget all about it by watching TV
[Stan tries to change channels, but the remote is broken]
but his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did
flee.
... He thought he could hide from his problems - not true!
[Stan rolls his eyes]
He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!
STAN
Leave me aLONE!!
NARRATOR
He knew that only by going to the forest
could he-
STAN
All right all right all right!! God!!
[The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue
decorating]
BEAVERY
Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal,
Stanny.
WOODPECKERY
Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!
DEERY
Yeah. We've got a big problem.
SQUIRRELY
The Great Satan has commanded that when
the Antichrist is born, we must find
a human host body to transfer it into.
CHICKADEE-Y
That way he could take over the whole
world. The whole world!
MOUSEY
The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic
against Christ.
BEAVERY
We figured you'd be perfect!
CRITTERS
Yay!
STAN
I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and
my family's Christian!
CRITTERS
Awwwww.
BEARY
But we got to have a human host body
for the Antichrist.
DEERY
Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critters
C-Christmas after all.
SQUIRRELY
Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can
help us find non-baptized heathen human.
CHICKADEE-Y
Will you really, Stanny?
STAN
No!! I'm not doing you anymore favors
and I'm not letting you give birth to
the Antichrist! I came here to put
a stop to all this!
BEAVERY
To stop us?
BEARY
But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop
us, we'd have to use our evil satanic
powers on ya.
STAN
Right, whatever. I'm taking down the
manger I built. Ah! Aaaah!! Aagh!
Aaaahh! AAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!!
BEARY
Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did
the trick!
CHICKADEE-Y
Our powers get stronger every day, get
stronger every day!
SQUIRRELY
Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can
stop the birth of the Antichrist, except
for a mountain lion.
SKUNKY
And you got rid o'her.
CRITTERS
Yay!
NARRATOR
The boy shook with anger! He broke a
sweat and fell ill
When he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive
on the hill!
STAN
Oh yeah.
[The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.]
STAN
Hello? Anybody in there?
DARK CUB
Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!
MEDIUM CUB
He's come to kill us now.
LIGHT CUB
It's okay. I died inside when Mommy
was killed anyways.
DARK CUB
Yeah, better this than the slow death
we'd face without a mother around.
STAN
Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The,
the squirrel told me she was evil.
MEDIUM CUB
You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee,
you're not too smart, are you, mister?
STAN
I'm trying to make this all right again,
but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping
critters is a mountain lion!
DARK CUB
Yeah, and you killed her.
STAN
Well, you're mountain lions.
LIGHT CUB
Us? No, we're just kids. We still have
our baby teeth.
MEDIUM CUB
And our baby claws.
DARK CUB
And a dead mom.
STAN
There still has to be a way for you
to kill the porcupine's baby.
DARK CUB
What? You mean like in an abortion?
LIGHT CUB
Yeah. An abortion. That can work.
MEDIUM CUB
But, we don't know how to give abortions.
DARK CUB
Do you know some place we can learn,
mister?
NARRATOR
"Where can they learn that?" the boy
said with a frown.
"I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."
STAN
What?!
NARRATOR
So he picked up the cubs and down the
mountain he stormed.
And took them to where abortions are performed.
STAN
No, he didn't.
NARRATOR
Yes he did.
STAN
No, he didn't!
NARRATOR
Yes he did.
STAN
No, he didn't!!
NARRATOR
Yes he did!
STAN
Aw Goddamnit!
NARRATOR
Said the boy in the red poofball hat!
"We've made it already, little cubs!
Fancy that!"
DOCTOR
Excuse me, what are you doing here?!
NARRATOR
The abortion doctor inquired.
DOCTOR
If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is
required!
STAN
I don't know, I, I'm supposed to show
these mountain lions how an abortion
is performed or something, I... I know,
it'd ridiculous.
DOCTOR
Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!
It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions
to perform!
Gather around my table, cute little lions,
I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!
NARRATOR
And so the little boy and the cubs gathered
around the chair base,
And all day watched abortion after abortion take place.
[Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into
the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance.
The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient
leaves, and the next one is worked on. One of the cubs is on
a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle
off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone
turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The
doctor works on the next patient and the dark cub brings him
some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The
other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and
she smiles at them]
SINGER
Christmas time is once a year.
Every critter holds it dear.
Every animal big or small,
Christmas means so much to us all.
It's once a year, it's Christmastime!
And it happens once a year.
It's once a year, it's Christmastime!
When we hear about how Christmas only comes
Once a year.
STAN
This better have a point, dude. This
really better have a point.
[The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas
tune]
CRITTERS
It's almost time when the time is here,
The time that's only once a year.
BEARY
Oh look. That little feller is all alone.
SKUNKY
Gee, he looks sad.
CRITTERS
Hi there!
KYLE
What the hell?
BEAVERY
How come you're all alone on Christmas
Eve.
KYLE
My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
RACCOONY
Aww, but why?
KYLE
Well, because, we don't really ...believe
in Jesus.
CRITTERS
Yay!
BEARY
But does that mean you aren't baptized?
KYLE
No. I'm Jewish.
CRITTERS
Yay! Yay!
BEAVERY
You've got to come with us!
DEERY
You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!
KYLE
Huh?
CRITTERS
Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!
What special time and special day,
It's Woodland Critter Christmas.
SQUIRRELY
Hail Satan.
[The woods, night. The camera pans along]
NARRATOR
Twas the night before Christmas, and
above the woods, way up high,
a new bright shiny star hung in the sky.
[bright RED star. Stan walks into view]
For the world to be saved there was only one shot.
A little boy with three cubs, and an abortion plot.
STAN
Okay, come on, the critters are over
this way. You mountain lions ready to
stop the Antichrist from being born?
DARK CUB
Sure. We know how to give abortions
now.
NARRATOR
He arrived at the critter forest ready
to fight,
but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight.
[the critters are in and around the manger looking at the new
baby, the Antichrist]
BEAVERY
Guys, we did it!
SQUIRRELY
The critter Antichrist is born, bringin'
a thousand years of darkness to the
forest.
NARRATOR
The Antichrist had been born, sealing
the world's fate.
The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late.
STAN
Too late? The hell is that??
BEAVERY
Oh. Hiya, Stanny!
KYLE
Stan! Stan, what the hell is going
on?!
STAN
It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks
ass!
SKUNKY
Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist
into our human host.
CRITTERS
Let's go! All right! Woohoo!
STAN
That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness
and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?!
NARRATOR
When up in the sky the sound of sleigh
bells were heard And a jolly red sleigh
flew down to the earth like a bird!
BEAVERY
Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus!
CRITTERS
Yay!
SKUNKY
Let's eat his flesh!
SANTA
All right, what the hell is going on?!
Why is there a red star glowing in the
sky?!
RACCOONY
We finally did it, Santa! We brought
forth the Antichrist with help from
our good friend, Stanny.
SKUNKY
Death and pain await all living things.
SANTA
LIttle boy, you should be ashamed!
STAN
I mean, I didn't mean to help them,
I I tried to stop them!
SANTA
Well good going, stupid! There's only
one way to stop devil-worshiping critters!
CRITTERS
Aaaaah!
STAN
Dude, what the?
SINGERS
Hold steady, Santa
[Santa simply hops through it, gets into position, and fires
at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens.]
STAN
Come on, dude.
BEARY
Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill
me, are you-
DARK CUB
But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist?
SANTA
Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot
survive without a human host body to
go into.
KYLE
No. No, I want to have the Antichrist
inside me!
STAN
What? Kyle??
KYLE
With his power, I can finally make
the earth a better place for the Jews!
SANTA
Don't do it, Kyle!
STAN
Dude!!
KYLE
Yes, yes!! Now the Jews will take control
of Christmas once and for all! HAHA!
HAAA!!
KYLE
Oh, stop it, Cartman!
[Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and
they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling
his now.]
KYLE
Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't
reading another sentence of your stupid
story!
CARTMAN
I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU
when you read your Christmas story aloud,
Kyle.
KYLE
This whole time your stupid story was
just a way to rip on me for being Jewish
at Christmas again!
CARTMAN
Mr. Garrison, could you do something,
please?
MR. GARRISON
Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated
against, you'll have to stop or else
I'll get a call from his mother.
CARTMAN
All right, fine! Forget it!
BUTTERS
Wwell but, but what happened?
TOKEN
Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years
of darkness or not?
CLYDE
What happens to the lion cubs?
CARTMAN
Well, I guess we'll never know, because
Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.
STAN
No, it all worked out, right? The world
was saved and I went home for Christmas
dinner.
KYLE
Dude, why do you care?!
STAN
Well after all that I at least wanna
know if I had a merry Christmas or if
darkness rules the earth.
KYLE
Oh come on! It's obvious what happens!
I get killed by Santa Claus so that
Christmas is saved!
CARTMAN
That's not at all what happens.
BUTTERS
Aw well, come on. Let him read us the
end.
CLYDE
Yeah yeah, come on!
KYLE
All right, fine!
CARTMAN
"Oh dear, my best friend is possessed!
How about that?" said the little boy
in the red poofball hat.
[The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting]
KYLE
HAHAHAA!! Now I shall rule the- Aww.
Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is
on fire! Whoa. Oh, I don't like this!
I didn't know it would feel so... dark
and evil!
STAN
Well what did you expect, dude? It's
the son of the Devil.
KYLE
Oh God, what have I done?? I'm sorry.
Please, I don't wanna be the vessel
for the Antichrist.
SANTA
I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle!
Santa's gonna have to kill you!
STAN
No Santa, don't!
SANTA
We don't have a choice. In a few hours,
the dark creature inside him will consume
his soul.
NARRATOR
The little boy fretted. He almost started
to bawl
But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.
[Stan grins]
STAN
The lion cubs!
NARRATOR
The little boy quickly begun,
STAN
I took them to see how abortions are
done.
SANTA
What??
STAN
Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry
up fast!
Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!
[the cubs trot over to Kyle, who's on a makeshift delivery bed]
NARRATOR
And in the twinkling starlight, each
little cub did their portion.
They remember all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion.
[The dark cub is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist
with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa
takes it and sets it down on a stump. Santa grabs a large mallet
next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down
upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD]
KYLE
Thanks, everybody. I I'm sorry I got
a little crazy there.
SANTA
Well little boy, it seems that YOU
have really been through a lot. Is there
any special present you would like this
year?
STAN
Yeah. Yeah, there is.
[The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain
lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust
and watching it settle. The lioness stirs]
MOTHER LION
Weh, ah my, what happened?
A CUB
Mommy?
THE CUBS
Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!
STAN
Ogh, good.
[Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelley and
Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next,
Stan and Shelley are opening their gifts]
NARRATOR
And back home, there were presents,
and lots of food to get fat.
And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball
hat.
[A shot of the town, receding from view]
NARRATOR
And they all lived happily ever after.
Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two
weeks later.
The End
KYLE
Goddamnit Cartman!
THE END
SINGERS
Christmastime is once a year
Every creature holds it dear
Every animal big or small
Christmas means the world to us all
It's once a year, it's Christmastime
When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.
|
