"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 317
"WORLDWIDE RECORDER CONCERT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[A promo is the first thing shown. Live-action shots throughout]
ANNOUNCER
This Saturday
POX PRESENTS
Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium!
THE MUSICAL EVENT
OF THE
MILLENNIUM
You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school! [a
recorder resting on a book of sheet music is shown] Well, this
Saturday in Oklahoma City [its skyline is shwn], over 4 million
third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over
the country [a school bus full of students is shown] will gather
in one place, and at the same time, play "My Country 'Tis Of
Thee"
MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE
on their recorders. [a girl is shown playing a white one] It's
the largest third-grade recorder concert ever! [An elderly man
instructs three students, one of them in a wheelchair] Special
guest conductor Yoko Ono [pictured] and woodwind virtuoso Kenny
G [pictured] will lead this fantastic event!
THIS SATURDAY ON
POX
11
00/10:00 C
This Saturday, at 11 Eastern / 10 Central, the world will be
watching! [close-up of a small boy playing his recorder]
[South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. He rushes
to the front of the class and stands next to a pull-down screen
on which is projected "My Country 'Tis Of Thee"]
MR. GARRISON
Okay children, we've still got some
time to practice the song before we
load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma.
CLASS
: Awww.
MR. GARRISON
Now, come on, there's gonna be over
4 million third-graders from all over
the country there, and I wanna make
sure South Park is the best! Okay?!
Recorders up. And a-1 and a-2 and
a- "...of liberty." You're late! "...my
father-" What the hell was that?! God-damnit,
I don't think you children have been
working on your fingering!
CARTMAN
That's not true, Mr. Garrison: Kyle
was working on his fingering with his
mom all night long.
KYLE
Shut up, fatass!
CARTMAN
Heh, heh. No, seriously. Kyle's mom
says Kyle's getting really good at fingering,
heh.
MR. GARRISON
Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be 4 million
children playing this song at the same
time on their recorders, and, so help
me God, South Park Elementary is not
gonna be the only ones that don't know
the song! Try again! Recorders up.
And a-1 and a-2 and a-
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, that sounded great, kids.
MR. GARRISON
Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock
getting its neck broken.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, kids. Uh, we have some news.
Uh, there's been a terrible flood in
Oklahoma, m'kay? So the 4-million-recorder-children's
event is being moved to Arkansas.
MR. GARRISON
Arkansas?
STAN
What's Arkansas—is that a state?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eh, the trip shouldn't take any longer,
but I'll hand out these updated contact
sheets so that your parents will know
where you are, m'kay?
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a
second?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay.
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Mackey, um... I can't go to Arkansas.
Somebody's gonna have to fill in for
me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What? We can't find anybody to fill
in for you. Why can't you go to Arkansas?
MR. GARRISON
Arkansas is where I grew up. My parents
live there—my ...father still lives there.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, don't you want to see them?
MR. GARRISON
I haven't seen my father for 23 years.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr.
Garrison, m'kay? Mr. Garrison, I know
this is very difficult, m'kay, but I
must ask: is there a history of sexual
abuse in your family?
MR. GARRISON
...Some, yes. There was my uncle, Richard.
He... he molested me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
When was that?
MR. GARRISON
Saturday. Last, last Saturday. He's
a paraplegic, but it didn't—
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, eh, and your father? He molested
you when you were a boy? Mr. Garrison,
I think, when we get to Arkansas, you
need to see your father. You need to
face this demon in your closet, m'kay?
MR. GARRISON
Don't look at me! Uh, y'all go on your
bastard trip and just- don't look at
me!
CARTMAN
That was pretty cool.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay.
[The trip begins. The school bus and a moving van go east. They
pass the following signs]
YOU ARE NOW
LEAVING
COLORADO
YOU ARE NOW
ENTERING
KANSAS
[Inside the bus, Mr. Mackey is up front reading a book, Mr. Garrison
is in the very back opposite Terrence and the redhead]
CARTMAN
Okay, how about this one, Kenny?
KENNY
(Uh-uh.)
CARTMAN
No? How about this?
KENNY
(Nope.)
CARTMAN
Hm, interesting. Let's see: how about
this?
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
CARTMAN
We're trying to find the brown noise—it's
this one pitch, this certain frequency
that makes people lose bowel control.
STAN
What's "lose bowel control?"
CARTMAN
That's a scientific term for crapping
your pants.
KYLE
Oh, brother, here we go again. Cartman,
there is not a sound frequency that
makes people crap their pants!
CARTMAN
Yes there is! The French experimented
with it in World War II!
KYLE
Nuh-uh!
CARTMAN
How about this one, Kenny?
KENNY
(Nuh-uh.)
KYLE
There is no brown noise, fat boy!
CARTMAN
That's nice. When I find it I'll just
make you crap yourself so you look like
Karen Carpenter.
STAN
Who's Karen Carpenter?
MR. GARRISON
Aaaaaah! Huhh, ohh,
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
MR. HAT
Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay-Mr. Garrison, you're just having
a hard time dealing with the memories
of your father's sexual abuse, so you
switch personalities to Mr. Hat, m'kay?
MR. HAT
Oh, good one, Sherlock! You figure that
out all by yourself?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay-I think the best thing for Mr.
Garrison to do is to go see his father
MR. HAT
No! No, you moron! Mr. Garrison can't
let the memories end! Just leave us
alone!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay! Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk
to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?!
MR. HAT
Why would he want to talk to a second-rate
dopey-ass elementary-school psychologist?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What did you say?!
MR. HAT
You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys
that make better counselors than you!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Why, you son of a bitch!
STAN
Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?!
STUDENTS
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET BACK THERE!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yuh-NO! You may have won this time,
Mr. Hat.
[The journey continues. The school bus goes east. It passes the
following signs]
Welcome to
MISSOURI
Welcome to
ARKANSAS
Yes! We are a state
[The school bus and its passengers finally reach their destination
- a large lot filled with buses and tents, and children]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, I want everyone to stay together,
m'kay? Nobody move!
COORDINATOR
School?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Excuse me?
COORDINATOR
What school are you from?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, uh we're from South Park, Colorado?
COORDINATOR
Ssss, alright. South Park school, you
go over there next to the kids from
New York. Nono, don't put the Florida
kids in the building!
TOUGH GUY 1
Ey! Look at the little eskimos in their
freakin' hats and gloves.
TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah, huh?
TOUGH GUY 1
Whoa, look at this kid's coat. Ey,
kid. What's the matter—you a freakin'
burn victim or somethin'? What?
KYLE
Who the hell are these guys?
TOUGH GUY 1
I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks
to this event!
STAN
We're not rednecks!
KYLE
Yeah! That's Texas, butthole!
TOUGH GUY 1
Oh yeah? Well, you look like a bunch
of queefs to me, huh?!
CARTMAN
Stan, what's a queef?
KYLE
Kenny?
KENNY
(I don't know!)
TOUGH GUY 1
Oh, brother! You guys don't even know
what a queef is, huh?!
CARTMAN
Of course we know what a queef is, you
queef!
BLACK KID
Oh yeah? Well, what is it, then?!
CARTMAN
Aaaa-
STAN
Why?! Don't you know?!
TOUGH GUY 1
Are all redneck queefs from Colorado
as stupid as youse?!
KYLE
Alright, dickhole!
COORDINATOR
I need everyone's attention, please!
We will now all be moving in an orderly
fashion to our assigned hotels. Please
follow your group leader to check in.
TOUGH GUY 1
Yeah see ya later, queefs!
[Roman Holiday Inn, night. The four boys share a room with two
beds. They sit amid stacks of books looking for information]
KYLE
Ungh, I can't find the word "queef"
anywhere!
STAN
Well keep looking! We gotta find out
what it means before we see those New
Yorker kids again!
KYLE
Well, let's try the dictionary. queasy,
Quebec, queen quelch. No queef.
STAN
Damnit!
CARTMAN
Hey, I found it, you guys! I found
it!
STAN
You did?
KYLE
What's it mean?! What's it mean?!
CARTMAN
I told you guys! Here it is, right here.
"The brown noise."
KYLE
Awwgh!
STAN
Damnit Cartman, wha-?!
CARTMAN
"An oscillation of sound that causes
the bowels to loosen." See? That means
crap your pants. "The brown noise is
believed to be 92 cents below the lowest
octave of Eb." What does that mean?
STAN
Who cares? We have to find out what
queef means! Keep reading!
[Garrison's home town, night. He walks to his former home, his
parents' house, in the rain]
MR. GARRISON
I can do this. I have to do this.
Hello. Dad.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Oh, hello, son.
MR. GARRISON
Can I ...come in?
MR. GARRISON SR.
Ub. Sure, of course. Your mom's out
at Bridge Night. You want a beer or
somethin'?
MR. GARRISON
No. I don't think that will solve any
of our problems, though you seem to
think it did.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh, what?
MR. GARRISON
I have a lot of demons that I need to
face, father. I need to know some things.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh, okay, like what?
MR. GARRISON
Alright, alright, let's just cut right
to it! I've come to ask you about the
sexual abuse, dad!
MR. GARRISON SR.
What??
MR. GARRISON
I have to know why! Right here and now—we're
gonna talk about this!
MR. GARRISON SR.
What the hell are you talking about?!
I never sexually abused you!
MR. GARRISON
I know! I wanna know why not?!
MR. GARRISON SR.
WHAT??
MR. GARRISON
Was it that I was ugly?!
MR. GARRISON SR.
Oh, my God!
MR. GARRISON
I wasn't good enough for you! Was that
it, dad?!
MR. GARRISON SR.
Well, NO!!
MR. GARRISON
Sure, you can go off and screw any whore
on Wyland Street, but when it came to
your own son you were just too busy!
[The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, next day. Looks like the
4 million kids are assembled]
COORDINATOR
Alright, everyone, quiet please! There
are over 4 million of you, so we must
have quiet! At this time I would like
to introduce the woman who is making
this all possible, Yoko Ono!
YOKO ONO
Please ... "My Country 'Tis of Thee."
COORDINATOR
You heard her, We'll start the rehearsal
in a few minutes.
STAN
Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here
any second, and we still don't know
what queef means.
KYLE
Well, we can still pre-tend like we
know what it means.
STAN
No, they'll catch on. Hey, wait a minute.
I've got a great idea. Let's make up
our own word. We can make up a word,
and then use it, ...and then they'll act
like they know it, and then we'll bust
'em.
KYLE
Yeah. That'll make 'em look stupid!
STAN
What word could we make up?
KYLE
How about... finkleroy?
STAN
No, uhno, not finkleroy.
CARTMAN
How about geebo, or, or mung?
STAN
Yeah, mung.
KYLE
Mung's good.
STAN
Sh. Here they come.
TOUGH GUY 1
Well hel-lo there, queefs. All bundled
up nice and warm, are we?
STAN
You know what you guys are? You guys
are nothing but mung?
TOUGH GUY 2
We're not mung. You're mung.
KYLE
Oh, so you know what mung means, hunh?
TOUGH GUY 1
Of course we know what mung means!
ATHLETE
Yeah, D'ya think we wouldn't know what
mung means?
STAN
We busted you!
KYLE
Hyeh. Yeah. Mung isn't even a word!
We made it up!
TOUGH GUY 1
You guys are even stupider than I thought!
Mung is so a word!
STAN
It is?
NEW YORKERS
Yeah.
ATHLETE
It sure is.
NEW YORKER 1
Yeah.
NEW YORKER 2
Uh huh.
TOUGH GUY 1
Yeah! Mung is the stuff that comes out
when you push down on a pregnant woman's
stomach.
KYLE
Eewww.
STAN
Ooogh.
TOUGH GUY 1
You guys didn't know that? Come on,
guys. Let's get away from these rednecks
before we get redneckasitis, or somethin'!
STAN
You dumbass, Cartman!
KYLE
Yeah! Next time you make up a word,
don't make up one that already exists!
[The Garrison residence, day. Momma Garrison and her son are
sipping coffee on the sofa]
MRS. GARRISON SR.
It's so nice to see you, son. I'm so
proud that you're part of the 4 Million
Child Recorder Blow.
MR. GARRISON
Yes. I hope it's okay if I stay here
a few nights, Mother, I... I have some
things I really need to talk to you
about.
MRS. GARRISON SR.
About what?
MR. GARRISON
Mother, did you know that ...Dad... never
sexually molested me?
MRS. GARRISON SR.
That... that can't be.
MR. GARRISON
He never did, Mom, not once.
MRS. GARRISON SR.
That's not true! Your father loved
you! Often!
MR. GARRISON
He never did, Mom! And I think you
knew he never did!
MRS. GARRISON SR.
Nohoho! No! If I knew I would have
made him do it!
MR. GARRISON
You stood by and let it happen! You
saw him come home drunk and then just
go right to sleep!
MRS. GARRISON SR.
I'm not listening!
MR. GARRISON
Face it, Mother. He never abused me!
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh, what's goin' on?
MR. GARRISON
Mother won't hear the truth!
MRS. GARRISON SR.
He says you didn't molest him as a child!
MR. GARRISON SR.
Ah-I didn't! You knew I didn't!
MRS. GARRISON SR.
No! I didn't know! I'm not listening!
MR. GARRISON
You can't close your eyes forever, Mother!
Mother, wait!
[The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, later. Kenny G has joined
Yoko Ono and the coordinator onstage]
YOKO ONO
Alright people, how many people has
a copy. We must have-a practiced the
... song for the performance tomorrow,
please.
COORDINATOR
Okay, children. We need to play closer
attention to the sheet music. Remember,
if you get lost, just follow along with
Mr. Kenny G here.
CARTMAN
Hey, that's it, Kenny. Maybe Kenny G
can show us where 92 cents below the
lowest Eb is. Then we'll know the brown
noise.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
YOKO ONO
And-a 1 ... O-o-o-o. Stop! Stop ... That
was-a terrifying! That was-a horrible!
What's gotten into you?!
KYLE
What the hell is that lady talking about?
STAN
I have no idea.
[The Garrison gas station. Used to be Garrison and Son, but since
Mr. Garrison left, the "Son" has been crossed out. Mr. Mackey
walks up to Mr. Garrison Sr., who is changing the oil on a car
on blocks]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, Mr. Garrison, Sr.?
MR. GARRISON SR.
Thuh, that's me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey. I'm your
school counselor, m'kay.
MR. GARRISON SR.
What can I do for ya?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh-I wanna talk to you about your son—I'm
his n-therapist, m'kay.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh, brother! Look, I didn't sexually
abuse my son when he was younger!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Eh, you didn't?
MR. GARRISON SR.
No! He's upset because I didn't molest
him!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh. Hm. Uh, I guess that's a little
different.
MR. GARRISON SR.
A , yeah! He thinks if I don't molest
him it means I don't love him.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to
think, Mr. Garrison? I mean, uh, look
at all the media, all the magazine ads
and televison ads talkin' about "sexual
molestation", m'kay? He sees all that
and assumes you didn't molest him because
of some flaw in his looks or personality.
MR. GARRISON SR.
I didn't do it because it's wrong!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
I know, I know, but I'm afraid this
problem has run very deep through Mr.
Garrison's mental state. I'm worried
that if... you don't do womething, well
it could kill him.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Hold on a second: are you actually suggesting
that I have sex with my 41-year old
son?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
There comes a time in every father's
life when he must ask himself, "How
far will I go to save my son's life?"
MR. GARRISON SR.
Well, I won't have sex with him!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, I've said all I can say. I know
it's difficult, but... family... is about
compromises. m'kay? Don't lose your
son over this, Mr. Garrison. Don't
lose... your son, m'kay?
MR. GARRISON SR.
Am I the only sane person left on earth?!
REPORTER
Tomorrow the whole world will be tuning
in as over 4 million children play "My
Coutnry 'Tis Of Thee" on their recorders.
It is by far the largest gathering
of little plastic recorders in human
history. Yoko Ono has...
MR. GARRISON
Well, Mom said I could sleep in the
guest room tonight. Good night, Dad.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Good night.
REPORTER
Words to live by.
MR. GARRISON
Guess I'll just... go on up to bed now.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh huh.
MR. GARRISON
Now, I don't really have any pajamas—guess
I'll just... sleep in my boxers or something.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Should be fine.
MR. GARRISON
Uh I'll leave the door open a little
in case you ...need to see me about anything.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Won't be necessary.
MR. GARRISON
I'll just... be going up to bed now.
Gueh... guess maybe I won't even uhwear
those boxers.
MR. GARRISON SR.
I'm not going to molest you!
MR. GARRISON
You don't love me! I wanna die!
MR. GARRISON SR.
God-damnit!
[Roman Holiday Inn, night.]
STAN
I wish we could find a way to get back
at those New Yorker kids.
KYLE
Yeah. They think they're so cool.
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! We found it! We
found it, you guys!
KYLE
Calm down, Cartman.
STAN
You found what?
CARTMAN
The brown noise! Kenny and me found
the brown noise! Here, look! Look.
There, okay. Let's see here. Right
there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?
KENNY
(Ready.) (Oh, shiiit. Damnit! Cartman,
I've got to go to the bathroom!)
STAN
No way.
KYLE
I don't believe it!
CARTMAN
Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch.
Okay.
DELIVERY MAN
Whoa- Oh, my God! Aaww, I crapped
my pants!
KYLE
That's amazing.
CARTMAN
I told you guys!
STAN
Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
CARTMAN
That they should bring back Chicago
Hope for another season? Totally.
STAN
No! That we could use the brown noise
to get back at those asshole New Yorker
kids.
CARTMAN
Ooooh.
KYLE
Yeah, dude!
CARTMAN
They should bring back another season
of Chicago Hope though, seriously.
ARKANSAS BAR
Cool BEER in HERE
[Night. Mr. Garrison Sr. sits by himself at the bar sipping a
glass of beer while others around him chatter. A man in blue
shirt approaches him]
PATRON 1
Ey, what's the matter there, Garrison?
You look kinda sad.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Well, I'm having some troubles at home.
PATRON 1
Well, come on. Tell us about it. We
always help each other out, don't we,
fellas?
PATRON 2
Yeah.
PATRON 3
Yeah, that's right.
PATRON 1
Yeah.
MR. GARRISON SR.
All right. It's just that... I mean... We're
all family men here, right?
PATRON 2
Sure!
PATRON 3
Yeah we are!
BLOND
I am. I know that.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Well, can I ask you guys a difficult
question?
PATRON 1
Absolutely.
PATRON 2
Of course.
PATRON 4
Yeah, man.
PATRON 5
Come on, Garrison!
MR. GARRISON SR.
Alright. Would you have sex with your
son to save his life?
PATRON 2
...Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions,
ain't it?
PATRON 1
Nono, I got a better one: Would you
have sex with your mother... to save your
father's life?
PATRONS
Wooo, yeah.
PATRON 2
Oh, like if someone had a gun to your
father's head and said, "Have sex with
your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
PATRON 1
Yeah.
PATRON 2
Oh, that's a tough one.
PATRON 3
Hmmm.
MR. GARRISON SR.
No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
BLOND
How about if someone made you have sex
with your mother and father to save
your own life?
PATRONS
No, no, no way. No.
PATRON 6
But if it was to save my mother's life,
uh-I think I would have to have sex
with my father.
PATRON 7
Yeup.
PATRON 8
Me, too.
PATRON 9
Well, I think that goes without saying.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Weh actually, I'm just... talking about
a... son.
PATRON 8
Well, pesonally, I would have sex with
my son to save to save my mother's life.
It depends, uh- how big a gun are we
talkin' here?
MR. GARRISON SR.
Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
BLOND
The father doesn't have a gun?
MR. GARRISON SR.
No! Nobody's got a gun!
PATRON 3
I think if someone said, "Have sex with
your mother or else I'm gonna kill your
son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't
do it
PATRON 2
He could have a knife, though.
PATRON 1
Yeah.
PATRON 3
Sure.
PATRON 1
Yeah, a knife.
BARTENDER
If a killer put a knife to my throat,
and said, "Have sex with your father
or else I'm gonna kill your mother while
having sex with you," ...I would have
sex with myself.
PATRON 1
...Yeah, I would
PATRON 2
That's right.
PATRON 3
Uh huh.
BARTENDER
That makes sense.
PATRON 10
Mm-hm.
PATRON 1
Wasn't that right?
PATRON 3
Mm, See?
[Roman Holiday Inn, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are back in
their room reading the sheet music]
STAN
Howdo we write he note, Cartman?
CARTMAN
Lowest Eb, let's see. I think it looks
like this.
STAN
Alright. Now all we do is wipe out the
last note on their sheet music, and
change it to the note Cartman played.
Come on. There. That should do it.
CARTMAN
Sweet. I can't wait to see them crap
their pants infront of everybody, you
guys.
STAN
Okay, let's get back to the room.
COORDINATOR
What's this?? "Revised Music for Tomorrow"??
Chip, did you get revised music for
tomorrow??
CHIP
What??
COORDINATOR
Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've
got to get these copied 4 million times
and make the revisions to the projected
music! Come on! Hurry!
[The Garrison residence, later. Mr. Garrison is asleep in the
guest room, which used to be his room. The back door rustles
and he wakes up. Footsteps are heard]
MR. GARRISON
Dad? Pop, I'm just fast asleep—I'm
not hearing anything.
[The Garrison residence, later. Exterior shot. Energetic motion
is heard inside]
MR. GARRISON
Oh! Oh! Oh, Dad! Oh, goodness gracious,
uh! Oh, stop Dad, stop! Whahawah, whah,
how could you-hoo?!
[The Garrison residence, morning. Mr. Garrison is at the front
door with his luggage]
MR. GARRISON
Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I'd better
be going. The concert is gonna start
soon.
MRS. GARRISON SR.
Are you sure you can't stay one more
night, son?
MR. GARRISON
No, I... think all my work here is done.
Dad, I... don't know what to say; I feel
closer to you than I ever have.
MR. GARRISON SR.
Well, I just hope that NOW we can put
the past behind us and, and try to be
a normal family again.
MR. GARRISON
We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide-telecast
recerder concert to get to.
MRS. GARRISON SR.
We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud,
son.
MR. GARRISON
I will. Good-bye, Mom! Good-bye, Dad!
Gray skies are gonna clear up; put
on a happy face...
MRS. GARRISON SR.
You did the right thing, Poppa.
MR. GARRISON SR.
I didn't do squat! Here you go, a hundred
bucks.
Kenny G. Oh, that's okay. Keep your money. Thanks. [walks out
and away]
[The concert is introduced. Live-action shots throughout]
POX PRESENTS
THE MUSICAL EVENT
OF THE
MILLENNIUM
ANNOUNCER
Live, from Oklahoma City! Four million
third-grade students from all over
the country playing "My Country 'Tis
Of Thee" on their recorders...
MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE
special.
[The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, concert day. The 4 million
are assembled. Yoko Ono and Kenny G take the stage]
STAN
Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker
kids play the brown noise and crap their
pants.
KYLE
We have to watch them! We can't miss
it!
KENNY G
Are we all ready to play? Thanks. Okay.
Let's see the music!
KYLE
This is gonna be sweet!
STAN
Oh no, dude. Look! It's the music we
changed!
CARTMAN
Uh-oh.
KYLE
Dude, if 4 million people play the brown
noise at the same time-
YOKO ONO
One, two, sign paytah.
STAN
Stop! Stop!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, aren't those our boys?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, no. What are they doing?
[The kids play the brown noise, Kenny G and Yoko Ono double over
in pain. The camera zooms out for a view of the state of Arkansas,
then of North America, as people begin to groan. Shots of Beijing
and Paris follow, with their citizens grabbing their asses in
pain. A shot of Earth follows, then static. New York City is
then shown in flames. An ambulance speeds by as people scream]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in New York City,
but it could just as well be any town
on Earth right now. The desolation,
the damage is exactly the same in every
city the whole world over. It's been
just under 20 hours since everyone on
Earth pooped their pants, and people
still roam their damaged homes with
disbelief, and loss. Rick?
RICK
Alan, I'm standing at ground zero.
Here, the damage is greater than anywhere.
Like the rest of the world, everyone
here has crapped their pants. Some
crapped themselves to death. And still
others ...ruined perfectly good pairs
of pants. A nation mourns and tries
to rebuild, but the big question that
remains is, "How did this happen?"
KENNY G.
Well, I see. Other than making everyone
in the world crap their pants, our event
went over eally well.
YOKO ONO
Wery well?! Wery well?! You're gonna
be on Ricki Lake, I tell you again!
Look at ??? is she doing very well?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Alright, come on, everybody. We've
got a long bus ride back to Colorado,
m'kay?
KYLE
Well, that whole experience sure did
suck.
STAN
Yeah, but you know? I learned something
today. We were so worried about how
cool we looked to those New Yorker kids
that we forgot: we're already totally
cool, even if we don't know what queef
means.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, queef is a vaginal expulsion of
gas, m'kay.
KYLE
Huh?
TOUGH GUY 1
Here they are!
TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah!
STAN
Oh, brother. Let's just get out of
here.
TOUGH GUY 1
Ey! Not so fast! We know it was you
guys that changed the music and made
everyone on Earth crap their pants!
STAN
Uuuuh
TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah, we knows all about it!
KYLE
Oh, no!
TOUGH GUY 1
Yeah. Me and the guys, well we was talking,
and well, well we just want you to know
that we think you're pretty cool.
KYLE
Huh?
STAN
You do?
TOUGH GUY 1
Sure. I mean, everyone on Earth shit
themselves 'cause of you. And that's
pretty cool. I mean, that's pretty amazing!
TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah, we was wrong about you guys. We're
sorry.
CARTMAN
Well, that's fine, that's fine. Next
time, just remember that we're all pretty
cool on the Westside, too, if you know
what I'm saying, 'kay?
TOUGH GUY 1
Yeah. See you guys later.
MR. GARRISON
Coem on, boys. You're holdin' up the
bus. Oh, wow, look. It's Kenny G himself.
Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr.
G.
KENNY G
Huhuh, good- good-bye.
MR. GARRISON
M-m-m. Oh, well, thank you! You know,
it's funny: you kiss just like my dad.
Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly
has been a great trip. Let's head home.
MS. CRABTREE
Which way should we go?
MR. GARRISON
Second star to the right, and straight
on 'til morning.
[End of Worldwide Recorder Concert]
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