STARGATE SG1
Episode 512
"WORMHOLE XTREME"
By
Paul Mullie & Joseph Mallozzi
SPACE
A ship starts to power up and move.
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, BRIEFING ROOM
Sam is stood up with a tape and Hammond, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c
are sat round the table.
CARTER
Early this morning, approximately 0230,
the Kepler space probe captured this
image as it passed by Mars.
HAMMOND
What is it?
CARTER
Well, sir, at first the people down
at JPL thought it was an asteroid. But
then they started picking up some strange
energy readings. They tracked the object
and realised it was changing course
and accelerating.
O'NEILL
Asteroids don't normally do that.
CARTER
No sir. The only logical conclusion
is that it's a ship.
HAMMOND
Do we have any way of identifying it?
CARTER
As a matter of fact, we do. The energy
signature is consistent with a technology
we've encountered before. A year ago,
we found this pod buried in a field
near Billings, Montana.
O'NEILL
Martin.
DANIEL
What you mean the little guy with the
clothes and the glasses and.... I thought
his ship was destroyed?
O'NEILL
No, he said they came down in a pod
after abandoning the ship. He never
said what happened to it after that.
CARTER
Well if it is his ship we'd better talk
to him. Because it's on a course for
Earth and it'll be here in three days.
TEAL'C
Then we must locate Martin Lloyd immediately.
STUDIO SET
A group of people hide between some rocks while they are under
fire.
DANNING
Hurry up Major, we need that force shield!
MONROE
I'm trying sir, but something's nullifying
the electrolyte composite on the shield
generator!
LEVANT
Try reversing the polarity.
MONROE
It's not working.
DANNING
What do you mean it's not working?
MONROE
I mean, it's not working.
DANNING
God help us!
DELUISE
Buy it! Dededededede. Anddd cut!
The actors get up.
Martin and Peter DeLuise are standing by a screen.
MARTIN
What? That was awful. We have to do
it again.
DELUISE
Check the gate. We are moving on. Print
everything! Nice job, people. Good moves.
MARTIN
Yeah, um, ah. Yeah, ah, ah, great job
everybody. Yeah.
Martin walks off.
TITLES
BRIEFING ROOM
SG1 are watching the screen.
ANNOUNCER
Prepare for an X-treme adventure. Four
X-cellent heroes in an X-traordinary
new sci-fi series. Starring Nick Marlowe
as the wry Colonel Danning.
We see Danning take out two bad guys.
DANNING
As a matter of fact it does say Colonel
on my uniform.
We see Danning grab an alien woman.
DANNING
It's what I do.
He kisses her.
ANNOUNCER
Yolanda Reese as the brilliant Major
Stacey Monroe.
MONROE
The pulse drive field emitters are off
line but I can compensate by generating
a feed back loop.
ANNOUNCER
Raymond Gunne as Dr Levant.
LEVANT
Dammit Colonel, just because they're
aliens and their skulls are transparent,
doesn't mean that they don't have rights!
ANNOUNCER
And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell
the robot. Wormhole X-treme, coming
this fall only on...
Hammond switches the tape off.
DANIEL
Well that looked familiar.
O'NEILL
I don't see it.
CARTER
Martin's involved in this?
HAMMOND
He sold the idea to the studio. He's
currently working on production as a
creative consultant.
TEAL'C
Then Martin Lloyd has seriously breached
your security.
HAMMOND
Not necessarily.
DANIEL
What? He obviously got the whole thing
from his knowledge of the Stargate program.
O'NEILL
If the Air Force didn't want it to happen
they wouldn't have let it go this far.
HAMMOND
Plausible deniability. In the event
of a future breach of security, we'll
be able to point to this television
programme. That is, if it stays on the
air.
O'NEILL
Still doesn't change the fact that Marty
sold us out.
HAMMOND
His motivations are of little concern
at the moment. Our first priority is
to find out everything he knows about
that ship. Colonel, you're Wormhole
X-treme's new Air Force consultant.
STUDIO LOT
Peter DeLuise is supervising an explosion.
DELUISE
Nononono. Bigger. Much bigger.
We move on to a man and woman.
BILL
Copy that. Okay so tomorrow we've got
46 extras, make sure everybody's ready
to cope with that. Hair, make up, wardrobe,
costumes. And props. Has the props show
and tell happened yet?
The woman he is talking to shakes her head.
BILL
Oh man. He's gonna freak.
Jack walks up.
O'NEILL
Excuse me? Do you know where I could
find a Martin Lloyd? He's one of the
bigwigs around here.
BILL
Copy that. (to Jack) Sorry?
O'NEILL
Martin Lloyd?
BILL
Oh yeah. Over there, by the trailers.
O'NEILL
Thank you.
Jack walks off.
BILL
Who's that guy?
The woman shrugs her shoulders.
MARTIN'S TRAILER.
Martin comes out and sees a green alien woman and another woman.
MARTIN
Oh, they went with green? Okay, well
it looks good.
The women walk off. A prop guy walks past with a pineapple.
MARTIN
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
PROPS GUY
It's fruit. Scene 23.
MARTIN
Okay, scene 23 takes place on another
planet. You think aliens eat apples?
PROPS GUY
Why not? They speak English.
MARTIN
Get some Kiwi's and spray paint them
red.
PROPS GUY
Okay, so now we go... Nick walks into
the garden of Kiwi trees, says `How
like Eden this world is' and bites into
a painted Kiwi?
MARTIN
Okay you're the prop master right? So
you're a master of props. So, figure
it out.
Prop guy walks off.
MARTIN
That's what you're wearing? Okay. Looks
good.
Jack walks up.
O'NEILL
Martin?
MARTIN
Yeah, yeah. Can I help you?
O'NEILL
Jack.
Martin looks at him.
O'NEILL
Colonel Jack O'Neill. United States
Air Force.
MARTIN
Yeahyeahyeahyeah. You're the new military
technical advisor. Listen, don't speak
to the actors.
O'NEILL
Martin, it's Jack. Remember last year,
Billings, Montana?
MARTIN
I've never been to Montana. But I am
going to Sundance this year.
O'NEILL
What about the name Tanner? Dr Tanner?
Hammond, Carter... Murray?
MARTIN
Sorry. Listen, I've got a concept meeting
in ten minutes and if I'm not there
on time...well they start without me.
But come back tomorrow and I'll show
you round.
Martin walks off. Jack looks around and goes into his trailer.
STUDIO LOT
Peter DeLuise is supervising an explosion.
DELUISE
No. Look at my lips. Bigger.
MARTIN'S TRAILER
Jack is on the phone to Hammond. Scene flicks between Jack and
Hammond and the rest of SG1.
HAMMOND
What have you got for us, Colonel?
O'NEILL
Well here's news. I think Martin's had
his memory erased again. He claims he
doesn't remember me or anything about
last year.
DANIEL
Tanner and his boys must have gotten
to him first.
O'NEILL
Yeah, well I checked out his trailer.
Didn't find any medication but there
are a lot of vitamins.
HAMMOND
Send in a sample for analysis. In the
meantime, keep an eye on Martin.
O'NEILL
Yes sir.
Jack hangs up the phone.
SGC BRIEFING ROOM
CARTER
Sir, if Tanner and his men are involved,
Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.
HAMMOND
I agree with you Major. You leave in
one hour.
SET.
Danning is talking to an alien princess and there are dead aliens
on the floor.
PRINCESS
I cannot thank you enough Colonel. It
has been many bleems since my people
were enslaved by the minions of Lord
Varlock.
DANNING
Hey it's what I do...
He trips on a dead body.
MARLOWE
...do. Hey this isn't working!
DELUISE
Cut.
A clapperboard is clapped right in front of Danning's face.
DELUISE
Nick, what's up?
MARLOWE
This is supposed to be a love scene
and we're walking through all these
dead aliens.
DELUISE
Uh, right, well it's continuity. You
just killed them all.
MARLOWE
Yeah, yeah, well. Can't we walk somewhere
else?
DELUISE
Well Nick, there is no somewhere else.
This is the planet we have, between
here and here. It's all the set there
is. And the reality of the scene dictates
that there be dead aliens because you
just killed them.
COOPER
We could always go back to the way it
was in the script.
DELUISE
No, we can't. We've already established
that one shot stuns and two shot's kills.
Nick just shot everybody twice.
MARTIN
So three shots disintegrates them.
DELUISE
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna pretend
you didn't say that because that is
quite possibly the stupidest thing I
have ever heard you say.
MARTIN
Why are you looking at me like I'm an
idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write
something.
MARLOWE
Ooh. What colour is the beam from the
ray gun?
MARTIN
We can't afford a beam. Sound effects.
DELUISE
It'll be great. You'll see. Reset.
BILL
Back to one.
DELUISE
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Gonna be in
close up. The dead aliens will be below
frame.
MARLOWE
The audience is gonna know they're there.
DELUISE
Okay. Kill the dead aliens. Aliens off
the set.
BILL
Aliens off the set.
The extras all get up. Man with a megaphone shouts at one still
lying there and we see he is a dummy when someone comes to pick
him up.
Marlowe is talking to himself, practising the emphasis on his
lines.
MARLOWE
HEY, it's what I do. IT'S what I do.
It's what I DO.
He sees Jack.
MARLOWE
You're the new military advisor?
O'NEILL
Yes sir.
MARLOWE
You're the real deal, huh? You seen
action?
O'NEILL
That would be classified.
MARLOWE
Oh, I like that. Sorta like a yes but
really a no. This is realistic right?
He uniform? Camouflage?
O'NEILL
Oh yeah. You don't want to be a target
out there in... space.
MARLOWE
That's exactly what I said so why aren't
the aliens ever in camouflage?
MARTIN
Oh I fought for that, uh, Nick. But
the studio wants the aliens seen.
MARLOWE
An alien wouldn't wanna be seen, Martin.
Think.
O'NEILL
Maybe that's why they're dead?
MARLOWE
That helps me. Thanks.
DELUISE
Can we do this?
BILL
Doing this.
Nick turns round and we see a big X on his back.
MARTIN
With the X, I know what you are thinking.
It's a marketing thing. You see, I wanted
to call the show `Going to other planets'
but research says that shows with X
in the name get better ratings.
O'NEILL
Ah.
DELUISE
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd action!
WAREHOUSE
MAN1
The ship's on schedule. Preparations
for departure are almost complete. There's
only one problem.
TANNER
This is gonna complicate matters.
He sees a picture of Jack talking to Martin.
HAMMOND'S OFFICE
Hammond is on the phone and Janet is waiting outside.
HAMMOND
Very well, you have my authorisation
to begin surveillance.
He waves Janet in.
HAMMOND
Keep a low profile Major, we don't want
to show our hand.
He puts the phone down.
HAMMOND
Dr Fraiser.
FRAISER
Surveillance on Martin Lloyd I assume?
HAMMOND
His house actually. To help determine
whether his old friends have returned.
FRAISER
Tanner.
HAMMOND
The idea is to determine whether Tanner
and the other aliens have been watching
Martin. Major Carter and Dr Jackson
will try to intercept frequencies being
broadcast from inside his house.
FRAISER
Oh, so like a surveillance surveillance.
HAMMOND
In a manner of speaking. Are those the
test results from the vitamins Colonel
O'Neill found in Martin's trailer?
FRAISER
Yes sir. They contain a significant
amount of the chemical that Tanner used
to block Martin's memory before.
HAMMOND
Which confirms what we already suspected.
FRAISER
Mmm hmm.
HAMMOND
The question is what do they want Martin
to forget?
BRIDGE STUDIOS
Reese is walking towards Martin and Peter DeLuise
REESE
Excuse me.
DELUISE
Because it undermines my authority that's
why?
REESE
Guys.
MARTIN
Ah Miss Reese.
REESE
Ah I'm having a little trouble with
Scene 27. It says that I'm out of phase
which means I can pass my hand through
solid matter or I can walk through walls.
DELUISE
Yeah. Cause you're out of phase.
MARTIN
Exactly.
REESE
How come I don't fall through the floor?
Martin and Peter stop. They look at each other and then back
to Reese.
MARTIN
We're gonna have to get back to you
on that one.
She walks off past Jack.
O'NEILL
Hi.
REESE
Hi.
She goes to the food and then walks off.
Teal'c is seen walking with a tray and people are turning their
noses up at the sandwiches. He then goes over to Jack.
O'NEILL
No takers?
TEAL'C; This crew does not appear to enjoy the traditional dishes
of Chulak.
O'NEILL
Showbiz huh?
MALLOZZI
Hey! What happened to all the doughnuts?
TEAL'C
They were consumed by the drivers before
they retired to sleep. We wish to converse
privately.
The two men just stand there.
TEAL'C
Leave us!
They leave.
O'NEILL
Carter and Daniel?
TEAL'C
The investigation is ongoing.
MARTIN'S HOUSE
Sam and Daniel are in a surveillance truck outside.
DANIEL
Are you sure the signal's coming from
inside Martin's house?
CARTER
I've gone over the triangulation three
times. I just have to match the frequency.
Hold it, I've got something.
She pulls up pictures of Martin's house.
DANIEL
Hidden cameras.
CARTER
Just like last time.
SET
Jack, Peter DeLuise, Martin are talking to a big wig.
BIGWIG
Look, I know it says he's weightless
in the script but look what happens
when I scratch out the word weightless.
You see, he no longer becomes weightless.
He just becomes.
DELUISE
Okay fine. Good, but how else does Colonel
Danning get past the giant alien guard?
O'NEILL
Why doesn't he just shoot him?
BIGWIG
Who is this?
O'NEILL
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
MARTIN
He's the new Air Force technical advisor.
He doesn't know he's not supposed to
say anything yet.
BIGWIG
You're telling me an Air Force officer
can shoot a giant alien without having
to be weightless?
O'NEILL
Sure, why not?
BIGWIG
You know, I'd like to hear `sure, why
not' a little more around here. Now
the space ship in scene 53..
He makes a cut motion.
MARTIN
We have to see the ship, it's crucial
to the episode.
BIGWIG
We're gonna see it in their reactions.
It's like `Oh my God, look at that ship.
It's indescribable'. All right, you
can do it for 5 thousand dollars less,
you can keep it in. Are we done? I have
a tee time.
DELUISE
Marty has a problem with the scene in
Act 3.
BIGWIG
Oh is that a fact Marty?
MARTIN
You have two way travel through a wormhole.
BIGWIG
So?
DeLuise shrugs and mouths `I know'
MARTIN
That's impossible. Matter can only move
one way through an open wormhole. The
scene is scientifically unsound.
BIGWIG
Okay, show of hands. Who here has won
a Cable Ace award?
He raises his hand. No one else does.
BIGWIG
Thank you.
He starts to walk off. Then turns to Jack.
BIGWIG
Oh. Nice save with the shooting the
giant alien being. Clever.
DELUISE
Billy, make it go.
BILL
Making it go, sweetie. Back to work
folks.
OUTSIDE
Martin and Jack walk outside.
MARTIN
You know, I am the creative consultant
on this show, which means nothing should
happen creatively without me being consulted.
O'NEILL
He consulted you, he just didn't listen.
MARTIN
You know what he worked on before this?
A show about a talking dog who solves
crimes. So what if they had a hundred
episodes?
O'NEILL
Poochinsky?
MARTIN
Yes. Poochinsky.
O'NEILL
Great show. Hey Marty, what makes you
so sure matter can only travel one way
through a wormhole?
MARTIN
I don't know, I must have read it somewhere.
O'NEILL
And this secret Government team that
goes to other planets, where'd that
come from?
MARTIN
Oh it's based on a story I wrote last
year, I couldn't get it published, I
was just about ready to give up and
I got a call from the studio. To tell
you the truth, I'm not even sure how
they got their hands on it.
O'NEILL
So you just made it up?
MARTIN
Never ask a writer where he gets his
ideas. In truth, we don't know.
Martin walks off. Jack's phone rings.
O'NEILL
O'Neill.
CARTER
Colonel, we were right. Tanner and the
others have Martin under surveillance
again. It can't be a coincidence Sir,
it has to have something to do with
the arrival of that ship.
O'NEILL
All right, they may have tried to infiltrate
the studio. I'll see what I can dig
up.
MAN
Fire in the hole!
There's an explosion behind Jack.
DELUISE
Bigger! What is it about the word bigger
that you don't understand?
FRONT GATE OF BRIDGE STUDIOS
The woman is reading `Dust off that old screenplay and sell it'
By Robert Cooper.
Jack walks in.
WOMAN
The auditions are in the building over
there.
O'NEILL
I'm not auditioning. I'm with the Air
Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill. Really.
Do you keep a record of everyone who
comes and goes through here? It's for
a security check. One of our General's
is doing a guest spot on the show. A
small but pivotal role.
WOMAN
I've got the licence plates of every
vehicle that comes and goes through
here on file.
O'NEILL
Great. Would you mind emailing them
to that address?
He hands her a card.
WOMAN
Okay. Sure.
O'NEILL
Thank you. I like the uniform.
SURVEILLANCE TRUCK
Sam and Daniel are looking through the files of studio personnel.
DANIEL
Why would somebody with two Ph.d's become
a teamster?
CARTER
Must be the money, I guess. Wait a minute,
this guy looks familiar.
She pulls up the record of a Steve Austin.
DANIEL
You're right. That's one of Tanner's
men.
CARTER
According to this, he's a production
assistant named Steve Austin. I think
we'd better pay Steve a little visit.
HOUSE
A car pulls up and a man gets out. It's Steve Austin. Sam peers
round a corner.
CARTER
He's on his way up. (on Radio)
DANIEL
Copy. (On radio)
Daniel is on the stairs an watches him enter his apartment. Sam
comes up the stairs. She knocks on his door.
CARTER
Hello.
She tries the door and it's open. They go inside. Daniel goes
onto the balcony and they find he is not there.
DANIEL
So. Where the hell'd he go?
SET
DANNING
Princess, I've seen a lot over the years.
The crystal rivers of Arradel. The blue
volcanoes of Kashtorem, even the star
fires of Grablack 6. None of it compares
to you.
They start to kiss and a phone rings.
DELUISE
Cut!
MARLOWE
What was that? Who was that?
BILL
Tail slate.
MARLOWE
I want a name.
O'NEILL
It's me. Sorry to...
MARLOWE
No problem. I'm sure it's important.
BILL
That's lunch.
MARLOWE
Let me show you something in my trailer.
(To Princess actress)
Jack moves off to answer the call.
O'NEILL
O'Neill.
CARTER
I don't know what happened Sir, we lost
him. One minute he was here, the next
minute he was gone.
O'NEILL
Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
CARTER
We do have one lead though. Before he
left, he made a quick phone call. We
traced it to a warehouse on the East
Side.
O'NEILL
Bring backup this time.
CARTER
Sir we don't have a lot of time before
the ship enters orbit. You'll have to
confront Martin.
O'NEILL
Yeah, I will.
Jack sees the make up people trying to get Grell the robot to
lift one eyebrow and using wire to do it.
MARTIN, AND TWO BIGWIGS MOVE AWAY FROM THE CATERING TRUCK TOWARDS
A LIMO. I THINK ONE IS HANK COHEN FROM MGM.
COHEN
You know I was thinking, you know what
this show needs? A sexy female alien.
Trust me.
MARTIN
Yeah.
O'NEILL
Marty? You got a second?
MARTIN
Well now's not really a good time, I'm
supposed to have....
The limo roars off without Martin.
MARTIN
Okay, now's good.
MARTIN'S TRAILER
Jack is reading Martin's book.
O'NEILL
The Colonel stood before the vertical
shimmering pool of light fascinated
by the dancing ripples in the event
horizon. What mysteries lay beyond this
mystical portal, what wonders awaited
him and his band of stalwart cohorts?
MARTIN
Pretty good, huh?
O'NEILL
Damn good.
MARTIN
The only difference from the original
story is that there was a fifth member
of the team. He was a handsome, smooth
talking alien who was stranded on Earth
when his crew deserted him. The producers
made me cut that part out.
O'NEILL
And you have no clue where you got this
idea?
MARTIN
Well, like I said...
O'NEILL
Martin, it's all true.
MARTIN
What are you talking about?
O'NEILL
Wormholes. Travelling to other planets.
It's all real. I command a unit called
SG-1. It's the advanced team of a secret
military operation. We explore the universe
through a device called the Stargate.
MARTIN
The crew put you up to this, didn't
they?
O'NEILL
Here's the kicker, Marty. You know all
about it. You've been through the Stargate.
Unfortunately you've had your memory
erased.
MARTIN
So what, I'm a member of this SG-1?
O'NEILL
No.
MARTIN
Then how do I know about it?
O'NEILL
Because you're not just interested in
outer space, you're from outer space.
MARTIN
Is this a pitch?
O'NEILL
Huh?
MARTIN
Alien crash lands. We have to find him
before it's too late only his memory's
been erased.
O'NEILL
Martin.
MARTIN
No, no, it's not bad. If we just add
a twist.
His beeper goes off.
MARTIN
I'm needed on the set. Why don't you
type up what you have and I'll take
a look at the coverage on it. Oh, no
promises.
Martin walks out.
WAREHOUSE
Sam and Daniel get out of the truck.
AIRMAN
Perimeter's secure Major. We're awaiting
your orders.
CARTER
Let's move in.
AIRMAN
Move in. Move in.
They all move in.
INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE.
There are people in black looking at all the equipment.
CARTER
Nobody move.
The men get out guns.
CARTER
Drop you weapons! Drop them!
AIRMAN
Lower your weapons.
BARRETT
You drop your weapons, now.
CARTER
I'm Major Samantha Carter, United States
Air Force.
BARRETT
And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.
Everyone lowers their weapons.
AIRMAN
NID? Major, what the hell's going on
here?
CARTER
We've been set up.
SET
Martin walks onto an empty set.
MARTIN
Hello. Someone paged me to Stage 6?
Hello?
He tries to leave but finds the door locked.
MARTIN
Hello?
He carries on walking down what looks like a Goa'uld mothership
corridor set. There's a noise so he turns back.
O'NEILL
Hey.
MARTIN
Arrgghh.
O'NEILL
Marty, relax. What's going on?
MARTIN
I guess the crew's just playing an affectionate
prank by paging me to a stage we're
not shooting on. It happens all the
time, it's out of respect.
The lights go out.
MARTIN
Hey, nice one guys.
Jack gets his gun out of his ankle holster.
O'NEILL
All right, stay with me.
They start to move and Jack throws his hat down. They then come
across Tanner.
TANNER
Hello, Colonel.
Two other men come up behind with guns.
O'NEILL
Tanner, I presume?
MARTIN
Is he with you?
TANNER
Don't worry Martin, everything will
become clear in time. Gentlemen, the
Colonel's weapon.
Jack gives it up.
SET
Jack and Martin are tied to chairs.
MARTIN
This is really bad.
O'NEILL
Relax.
MARTIN
They're shooting the big finale this
afternoon. I have to be there.
O'NEILL
Yeah, I can see how that would be high
on your list of priorities, right now.
MARTIN
Couldn't you have dealt with these guys
on you own? Did you have to drag me
into it?
O'NEILL
Marty. You are the reason we're here.
MARTIN
Don't start with that outer space stuff
again.
O'NEILL
Martin, the vitamins you've been taking
are laced with a chemical that's been
suppressing your memory. I had `em analysed.
MARTIN
Okay, fine. I'm an alien. Whatever.
O'NEILL
They are aliens too. They're from your
planet.
MARTIN
Okay, that is the stupidest Act 4 opening
ever. You should stick with the Air
Force Colonel, a writer you're not.
The door opens. Tanner and his men walk in.
O'NEILL
Hey, how go the travel plans? Space
ship on time and all. I only ask cos
I care.
Tanner gets out a medical bag.
MARTIN
Guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here.
Since I work in the television business
and I don't really know anything, I
was wondering if you would consider
letting me go because... oh.
Martin sees a big needle.
MARTIN
I'm hoping that's your insulin shot.
Tanner goes to Martin and roles up his sleeve.
MARTIN
Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.
TANNER
Don't worry Martin. Just a little something
to help you remember.
MARTIN
Ooh. Just tell me what you want me to
remember and I'll remember it.
He injects him.
MARTIN
Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it. It'll
be great.
WAREHOUSE
Sam is on the phone, Daniel is playing with some scissors.
BARRETT
Let's go over this again shall we?
DANIEL
You want a diagram? They led us straight
to you.
BARRETT
The aliens?
DANIEL
Yes, the aliens. Please, Mr Man in Black,
don't pretend you don't know about the
aliens.
CARTER
Now we can't get a hold of Colonel O'Neill.
We have to go to the set and figure
out what's going on.
BARRETT
No you're not going anywhere. The NID's
been given full authority over this
investigation.
SET
Jack and Martin are still tied up. Teal'c walks in.
TEAL'C
O'Neill.
O'NEILL
Teal'c. How'd you find us?
TEAL'C
I witnesses your abduction from the
studio.
O'NEILL
Where's Tanner?
TEAL'C
He and his men have once again disappeared.
MARTIN
The real money's in syndication.
O'NEILL
Martin. Martin, come on.
MARTIN
If you wanna have lunch, just call my
assistant.
O'NEILL
Marty!
Jack slaps him.
MARTIN
Colonel O'Neill? Murray?
O'NEILL
You remember?
MARTIN
Yeah. The antidote worked, I remember
everything now.
O'NEILL
Marty, what happened? Why'd they drug
you again?
MARTIN
They didn't. I did it to myself.
TEAL'C
For what reason?
MARTIN
When we went back to my planet and we
saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle
it. And the real estate job the Air
Force got me was driving me crazy. I
just wanted to forget everything.
O'NEILL
You were just gonna keep taking pills
for the rest of your life?
MARTIN
Another month and the long term memory
loss would have been permanent. Oh.
Oh no.
TEAL'C
What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?
MARTIN
Wormhole X-treme, the show is based
on your Stargate program.
O'NEILL
Don't worry, it's on cable. So why'd
they bring you out of it. Why now?
MARIN
The ship's coming. We put it on a timer.
Sort of a backup plan in case things
didn't go right here.
O'NEILL
Why do they need you?
MARTIN
I still have the mobile computing device
I stole from Tanner. They need it to
access the ship.
O'NEILL
Where is it?
MARTIN
Don't worry, it's in a safe place.
ON LOCATION
The device is on the prop table.
BILL
And rolling.
Reese is having her make up done.
REESE
Where's this from?
DELUISE
Standing with the quadro scanner. Don't
stop rolling. Kenny, run. You overpaid,
below the line freak. Billy, roll right
now.
BILL
Rolling.
Kenny attaches the device to Reese.
DELUISE
Kenny, I love you but you're not in
this scene. Billy?
BILL
Roll. Speed.
DELUISE
Action.
PROPS ROOM AT BRIDGE STUDIOS
Jack and Martin are looking through the props.
MARTIN
It has to be here somewhere.
O'NEILL
You used a real alien device as a prop
on the show?
MARTIN
Well I'd forgotten what it was at the
time. Besides, do you have any idea
what it costs to make one of these things?
PROP GUY
Can I help you?
MARTIN
We're looking for the quadro scanner.
PROP GUY
It's at the location.
MARTIN
What? Why?
PROP GUY
Somebody put it in the scene at the
last minute.
MARTIN
How come?
PROP GUY
I don't know, I just do my job, man.
O'NEILL
Come on.
MARTIN
Murray.
They leave. Prop guy gets his phone out.
PROP GUY
Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.
WAREHOUSE
Barrett is on the phone.
BARRETT
All right, good work. Let's go guys,
we got `em. You two stay here.
CARTER
What?
BARRETT
We want the ship. It's too important.
Frankly, I don't trust either one of
you. Agent Smith. Watch over these two
and make sure they don't move.
LOCATION
Jack, Teal'c and Marty drive up. They get out of the car.
O'NEILL
Murray, look around. Marty, you're with
me.
FILMING
MONROE
I'm picking up the same low level gamma
radiation we came across in the photon
belt.
LEVANT
That doesn't make sense. I mean, those
aliens couldn't have just disappeared,
could they? Have?
DELUISE
And turn. Turn. Doug? Cut. Perfect.
And tell slate. And Doug, you supposed
to turn to me, remember? Okay, print
everything. Moving on.
Jack moves to Reese.
O'NEILL
Good scene.
REESE
Thanks.
O'NEILL
You really nailed it. Let me take this
stuff for you.
REESE
Whoops.
She drops something.
REESE
There you go.
She hands it to him.
O'NEILL
Yellow.
Jack hands over her stuff except for the device.
O'NEILL
Let's go. (To Martin)
MARTIN
No wait. They're just about to shoot
the big finish.
O'NEILL
Too bad.
MARTIN
I'm not leaving Colonel.
Jack grabs his jacket.
MARTIN
Okay, maybe I am.
LOCATION TRUCK
Jack and Martin go into an empty truck.
O'NEILL
You can control the ship from here with
this?
MARTIN
Maybe. But do I have to?
O'NEILL
Yes Marty, you....
Jack sees Tanner and hides the device.
TANNER
You can hand me the device Colonel.
O'NEILL
Well this is getting old.
TEAL'C
Lower your weapons.
TANNER
Looks like we have a situation.
O'NEILL
You know guys, you can walk away from
this. We're not gonna come after you.
TANNER
What about your friends at the NID?
No more hiding. Where's the device?
O'NEILL
What device?
TANNER
Colonel. We let you escape because we
knew Martin would lead you right to
it.
A phone rings.
O'NEILL
That's me. Mind if.. I ...
He answers it.
O'NEILL
O'Neill.
CARTER
Sir, it's me.
O'NEILL
Hey, Carter. How you doing.
CARTER
The NID have made your position. They'll
be there any minute.
O'NEILL
Everything all right?
CARTER
It is now.
She turns and we see Daniel tying up Agent Smith.
O'NEILL
I'll be in touch.
He switches the phone off.
O'NEILL
Time's up guys. The NID's on it's way.
MARTIN
Look! They're too late.
He jumps out of the truck and into Teal'c.
MARTIN
I'm all right Murray.
Everyone walks out of the truck and we see a large cloud forming.
SHOOT
MONROE
We should return to the Star portal
before the aliens return.
LEVANT
What? But I haven't finished translating
the alien text. What do you think?
Grell opens his mouth.
REESE
What the hell is that?
GUNNE
Is that, is that ours?
MARTIN
Keep rolling, keep rolling.
DELUISE
Yeah, keep rolling. Pan around here
monkeys.
MARLOWE
Hey, what's this about? I'm supposed
to be in all the cool scenes.
Martin moves to the camera.
MARTIN
Tilt up! Tilt up!
The camera tilts up and we see the alien ship descending.
LOCATION
TANNER
Colonel, please. You know as well as
I do, they're never gonna leave us alone.
They turn to see cars approaching.
TANNER
There's nothing for us here. It's time
for us to go.
Jack gets the device out and gives it to Tanner.
O'NEILL
You officially owe me one.
MAN
What about Martin?
TEAL'C
I believe Martin Lloyd has chosen a
new path.
Martin is looking up at the ship.
MARTIN
We're gonna win an Emmy for this. Visual
effects category.
TANNER
Thank you Colonel. We won't forget this.
Tanner beams the three men away and the ship flies off.
MARTIN
Cut it. Print it. That's a wrap.
DELUISE
Yeah. Cut it.
He shakes hands with Martin.
We see two men looking up. They are Brad Wright and Michael Greenburg.
GREENBURG
Cool special effect.
WRIGHT
I've seen better.
GREENBURG
Ah we'll fix it in post.
WRIGHT
Yeah. So you think we could get eighteen
in?
GREENBURG
Yeah if we cut back on the Mollians.
WRIGHT
You think that's funny?
GREENBURG
Yeah, it's good enough for a walkaway.
WRIGHT
When's a good time to fade out?
GREENBURG
Right about now.
THE END
EXTRAS
NARRATOR
Stay tuned for a special behind the
scenes look at Wormhole X-treme.
INTERVIEW WITH CHRISTIAN BOCHER
BOCHER
I'm Christian Bocher. Portraying the
character of Raymond Gunne who portrays
the character of Dr Levant which is
based on the character Daniel Jackson
portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks
originally portrayed by the actor James
Spader. In the feature film. Are you
okay?
LEVANT IS BEING HIT BY ROCKS
BOCHER
Look out!
BOCHER
Arghh!
The scene repeats and he is constantly being hit.
DELUISE
And cut.
BOCHER
No. No.
DELUISE
Are you okay?
BOCHER
No I'm not okay. Ice. Could I get some
ice?
DELUISE
All right let's get some ice in here.
PETER DELUISE IS TALKING TO MICHAEL DELUISE.
PETER DELUISE
All right this is the eyeline.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Wormhole X-treme. We're in space, you
can do anything in space. Basically
you've got the space between your teeth,
the space, personal space.
PETER DELUISE
Right okay, so..
MDL IS SHOOTING THE TRAILER.
MICHAEL DELUISE
As a matter of fact it does say Colonel
on my uniform.
The scene is cut and he looks down.
MICHAEL DELUISE
You know it doesn't say Colonel. Anyone
ever think of that?
PETER DELUISE
Um, it's just a figure of speech.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Well it's a figure of speech I can't
figure out because I'm no seeing Colonel
on my uniform. Could it be here? (He
points to the patch on his arm)
PDL IS TALKING TO MDL.
PETER DELUISE
You realise this is not a real show,
right?
MICHAEL DELUISE
What are you talking about? Are you
saying Wormhole X-treme is not a real
show? We did all this. All this is....
PETER DELUISE
It's not a real show.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Does my agent know about this?
ON SET.
PETER DELUISE
Be heroic and just look over here at..
MICHAEL DELUISE
This isn't a real show?
PETER DELUISE
No. It's not a real show.
MICHAEL DELUISE
If it's not a real show, then why are
you telling me what to do? How could
this not be a real show if we're doing
it? Right now?
MDL IS TALKING TO PDL
MICHAEL DELUISE
Am I getting paid real money?
PETER DELUISE
Yeah you're getting paid real money.
MICHAEL DELUISE
So what plane of reality are we on right
now?
SHOOTING A SCENE
The Princess slaps MdL. She is a lot taller than him.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Hey. It's what I do.
He kisses her.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Are you sure you can't see the difference
in our height? Could I get a half apple?
PETER DELUISE
Okay, let's get a half apple.
MICHAEL DELUISE
I'm looking straight up her nose. You
don't have to hit me that hard either.
I think you can really see the difference
in our heights.
PETER DELUISE
It's not obvious.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Look I'm gonna measure it. I'm like..
PETER DELUISE
But on this lens it looks right.
MICHAEL DELUISE
From this angle it looks like we're
the same height?
PETER DELUISE
Yeah.
MICHAEL DELUISE
You wouldn't lie to me?
PETER DELUISE
I wouldn't lie to you.
JILL TEED, THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYS MONROE IS TALKING TO PDL.
TEED
How come I never get to kiss anybody?
PETER DELUISE
There's an episode being written for
you very soon.
TEED
Sure.
PDL IS TRYING TO GET GRELL TO LIFT ONE EYEBROW.
PETER DELUISE
Just one eyebrow.
He does both.
PETER DELUISE
No, just the one.
SHOOTING A SCENE
PETER DELUISE
And turn your back to me. Turn all the
way around to me and do the hero thing
and Action.
MICHAEL DELUISE
How can this not be a real show?
PETER DELUISE
Oh forget it. Just cut.
THE END
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