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                                     Duck Soup (1933)

                                      Screenplay by

                         Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones


               The story begins with an opening shot on the exterior of the 
               executive mansion.  It is a gala day.  Soldiers are lined up 
               in front of the entrance; expensive cars and carriages are 
               arriving and depositing distinguished notables from the 
               adjoining countries.  Two trumpeters at the head of the stairs 
               announce the arrival of each notable.

               In the large reception hall, Mrs. Teasdale, wife of the late 
               president, is greeting the newcomers.  The room is filled 
               with distinguished guests.  At the moment we see Mrs. 
               Teasdale, she is talking with a notable.  In the near 
               background is a group of distinguished men, members of her 
               own cabinet.  Her words to the notable are not lost on them, 
               and as she begins to praise the new dictator, there is the 
               exchange of disapproving glances.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         It is so good of you to come.

                         An honor, Mrs. Teasdale...  You must 
                         indeed have great faith in your new 
                         dictator to give him such a 
                         magnificent reception.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I feel that Rufus T. Firefly is the 
                         only logical successor to my dear 
                         departed husband.  He has the 
                         statesmanship of Gladstone, the 
                         humility of Lincoln, and the wisdom 
                         of Pericles.

               The notable kisses her hand once more and leaves the scene.  
               As he does, the background group moves into Mrs. Teasdale.  
               Their spokesman addresses Mrs. Teasdale.

                                     FIRST CABINET MEMBER
                         Mrs. Teasdale, as members of 
                         Freedonia's cabinet, we do not approve 
                         of your choice.  Who is this Rufus 
                         T. Firefly?

                                     SECOND CABINET MEMBER
                              (Waving aloft a paper)
                         A stranger in our midst, an agent 
                         for the Eureka Ammunition Company.  
                         Think of it, Gentlemen, an ammunition 
                         salesman dictating the policies of 
                         our peace-loving country.

                                     THIRD CABINET MEMBER
                         Reconsider, Mrs. Teasdale, before it 
                         is too late.  The citizens of 
                         Freedonia want a President!

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         As the widow of your last president, 
                         I have the right to choose -- and, 
                         Gentlemen, I refuse to discuss the 
                         matter any further.

               Mrs Teasdale turns her back on them, leaving them to mumble 
               among themselves.

               From off scene comes a servant's voice, announcing:

                         His Excellency, Ambassador Verdi 
                         Trentino of Amnesia!

               Cut... to the archway.  We see Trentino enter with a beautiful 
               brunette at his side.  He is followed by two or three of his 
               fellowmen.  He moves across the reception hall to Mrs. 
               Teasdale, bows most graciously and presses his lips to the 
               back of her hand, then introduces his companion.

                         Mrs. Teasdale... my niece, Vera.

               Mrs. Teasdale shakes the girl's hand warmly.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (To niece)
                         Your uncle has been such a friend to 
                         us in every crisis.  Without his 
                         country's financial aid --

                         What is money?
                         Mrs. Teasdale, for you -- I would do 

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Attempting to change 
                              the subject)
                         I am so anxious for you to meet our 
                         new dictator.

                              (Persistent in his 
                         Mrs. Teasdale -- no matter who rules 
                         Freedonia, to me you will always be 
                         the first lady of the land.

               Trentino attempts to take her hand.  The latter is a bit 
               confused, much to the amusement of Vera, who laughingly says:

                         Mrs. Teasdale, my uncle's hopeless -- 
                         you've been the only topic of 
                         conversation ever since we left 

               Mrs. Teasdale's confusion is happily interrupted by the 
               announcement of a servant, off scene.

                         The Honorable Mohamed Pandooh of 

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Oh, I must greet His Honor.

               Mrs. Teasdale exits from the scene quickly.  Vera and Trentino 
               look after her, then Vera laughs softly, as their eyes meet.

                         So that's the one you want to marry.

                         With Mrs. Teasdale as my wife and 
                         Freedonia under my control --
                              (He rubs his hands 

                         Maybe it's not going to be so easy.  
                         From what I've heard, Mrs. Teasdale 
                         is rather sweet on this Rufus T. 

                         That's where you come in.  I'll leave 
                         him in your hands, and don't forget 
                         you're supposed to be my niece.

               Vera winks agreeingly.

               Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene with Bob Firefly (ZEPPO).

               She introduces him.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I want you to meet the son of His 
                         Excellency -- Bob Firefly...

               Ambassador Trentino... his niece, Vera, After the formalities 
               of introducing, Trentino says:

                         Isn't it about time for the ceremony 
                         to begin, Mrs. Teasdale?
                         I do hope His Excellency won't be 

                         My father makes it a point to always 
                         be on time.  As long as I've known 
                         him, he's never been late for an 

                         But it's two minutes of ten now.

                              (As music begins)
                         His Excellency is due To take his 
                         station.  Beginning his new 
                         Administration...  He'll make his 
                         appearance when The clock on the 
                         wall strikes ten.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         When the clock on the wall strikes 
                         ten All you loyal ladies and you 
                         patriotic men Let's sing the national 
                         anthem when...  The clock on the 
                         wall strikes ten.

               The clock begins to strike the hour...  one...  two...  
               three...  four...

                         Hail, hail, Freedonia...  Mightiest 
                         of mighty nations!  Hail, hail, 
                         Freedonia Land of the brave and free.

               This finishes on an operatic note with everybody with 
               outstretched hands turned toward the main door that connects 
               the reception hall with the outer hall.

               Groucho doesn't appear and once more they all sing.

                         Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the 
                         brave and free.

               Again Groucho fails to appear and they all sing once more.

                         Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the 
                         brave and free.

               Mrs. Teasdale exchanges an apprehensive glance with Bob.  
               Vera and Trentino smile.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I hope nothing has happened.

                         Mrs. Teasdale, I assure you there is 
                         nothing to worry about.  Father is 
                         probably taking extra care in getting 
                         into his robes of state.  I'll call 

               Bob goes over to a corner of the room and pulls a tapestried 
               bell cord.  This rings a fire bell in Groucho's room -- and 
               Groucho is disclosed asleep in his canopied bed under a 
               mosquito netting.  He has an unlighted cigar in his mouth.  
               The continued jangling of the fire bell awakens him from his 
               slumber and he rises quickly.  The cigar begins to emit smoke 
               when he starts puffing.  He hurries over to one corner of 
               the room where his clothes are arranged in fireman fashion, 
               gets into them, and then sides down a fireman's pole into 
               the reception hall.

               The guests are singing the last two lines of the national 
               anthem when he arrives.

                         Hail, hail, Freedonia... Land of the 
                         brave and free.

               Groucho starts across the hall in the direction of Mrs. 
               Teasdale.  He passes several notables, one of whom is wearing 
               an impressive looking medal.  Groucho deprives him of it 
               without stopping his forward movement, and pins it on himself.  
               He pauses only when he is facing the principal group.

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                              (Beaming as she 
                              addresses Groucho)
                         As chairwoman of the reception 
                         committee, I welcome you and extend 
                         the good wishes of every man, woman 
                         and child of Freedonia.  I deem it 
                         an honor on this momentous occasion...

                         Never mind that stuff...

               He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends them to 
               Mrs. Teasdale.

                         Take a card.

               The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies.

               Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         What'll I do with this card?

                         You can keep it -- I've got a whole 
                         pack...  Now what were you saying?

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         As chairwoman of the reception 
                         committee, I welcome you with open 

                         How late do you stay open?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         In choosing you, I feel that I serve 
                         my country well.  I heartily endorse 
                         everything you stand for.

                         Well, I won't stand for much.  And I 
                         won't stand for you if you don't 
                         show some improvement soon.  Look at 
                         your report card last month -- "D" 
                         in spelling...  six in behavior.  
                         Now who were the six?  A fine state 
                         of affairs -- no wonder you can't 
                         matriculate, now what were you saying?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         The future of Freedonia rests upon 
                         you.  Promise me you will follow in 
                         my husband's footsteps.

                              (To CAMERA)
                         I haven't been on the job five minutes 
                         and already she's making advances to 
                              (To Mrs. Teasdale)
                         Not that I care -- but where is your 

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Slightly embarrassed)
                         Why - er -- my husband passed away...
                         I was with him to the very end.

                         No wonder he passed away.  I'd like 
                         to be with you to the very end.  
                         Can't you see what I'm trying to 
                         tell you -- I love you.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Very warmly)
                         Your Excellency!

                         You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. 
                         Teasdale, when I look at you I can 
                         see that we're facing a crisis.  
                         We've got to balance the budget -- 
                         we've got to cut down everything 
                         including, you.

               Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         Oh...  Your Excellency... I would 
                         like to present to you... Ambassador 
                         Verdi Trentino Of Amnesia...  Having 
                         him with us today is indeed a great 

                              (To Mrs. Teasdale, 
                              smiling appreciatively)
                         Thanks... but I can't stay very long.

                         That's even a greater honor.

                         I bring you the greetings of my 
                         President and the good will of my 

                         I'll keep the greetings -- but you 
                         can send back the good will... what 
                         we need right now is twenty million 

                         Twenty million dollars is a 
                         considerable sum...  I'll have to 
                         discuss that with my Minister of 

                         Well, in the meantime, could you let 
                         me have $50 personally?


                         I'll tell you what I'll do.  I'll 
                         give you Mrs. Teasdale as security.
                              (Throwing a glance at 
                              Mrs. Teasdale)
                         or my jackknife.  If you want my 
                         advice, you'll take the jackknife...  
                         I've a better proposition...  Make 
                         it $25 and I'll give you a first 
                         mortgage on my son and I hope you 

                              (With a puzzled look 
                              at Groucho)
                         Your Excellency, haven't we met 

                              (Looking at Trentino)
                         Why yes.  I met you at the dog races -- 
                         say, you could have won that race if 
                         you tried a little harder.

               Vera Trentino enters scene.

                         Excellency, may I present my niece.

                         Go ahead.

                         You don't understand.  This is my 
                         niece Vera.

                              (Throwing her a glance)
                         And Vera niece, too.

                         Your Excellency, please don't think 
                         me silly, but I'd love to have a 
                         picture of you.  I want to hang it 
                         in my bedroom.

                         You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- 
                         I'll make a note of it.  Where's my 
                              (Looking around)

               Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.

                         Here I am, Father.

                              (To Bob)
                         Take a letter.

                              (Taking out a 
                              stenographer's pad 
                              and pencil)
                         Who to?

                         The President of the United States.

               Bob writes as Groucho dictates

                         My dear President...  read it back...

                              (Reading from pad)
                         "My dear President"...

                         That doesn't sound right...  take 
                         out "President"...  now read it.

                         "My dear"...

                         That's not right yet... put back 
                         "President" and take out "dear"...  
                         How does it read now?

                         "My President"...

                         There's still something wrong with 
                         it... take out "President" 
                         what've you got?


                         Now we're on the right track... Put 
                         back "dear"... How does it read?

                         "My dear"...

                         You can't say that to the President...  
                         Put back "President"... Now let's 
                         hear how sounds.

                         "My dear President"...

                         That's what I wanted in the first 
                         place.  Tear it up and send it 

                         Is that all?

                         Take another letter...  to my tailor.

               Bob takes dictation again.

                         Dear Sir... enclosed find check for 
                         $100.  Yours very truly...  Send 
                         that immediately.

                         I'll have to enclose the check first.

                         You do and I'll fire you.

               Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize his 
               remark as the latter exits from the scene.  Mrs. Teasdale 
               enters to Groucho.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (To Groucho)
                         Your Excellency, the eyes of the 
                         world are upon you.  Notables from 
                         every land are gathered here in your 
                         honor --
                              (Indicating the guests 
                              with a wave of her 
                         This is a gala day for us.

                         Well, a gal a day is enough for me.  
                         I couldn't handle any more.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         If it's not asking too much --
                         For our information just for 
                              (Begins tune)
                         Tell us how you intend to run the 

                         These are the laws of my 
                         administration: No one's allowed to 
                         smoke or tell a dirty joke -- And 
                         whistling is forbidden...

                         We're not allowed to tell a dirty 
                         joke HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

                         If chewing gum is chewed, The chewer 
                         is pursued And in the hoosegow 

                         If we should choose to chew, we'll 
                         be pursued -

                         If any form of pleasure is exhibited 
                         Report to me and it will be 
                         prohibited.  I'll put my foot down; 
                         So shall it be - This is the land of 
                         the free.  The last man nearly ruined 
                         this place He didn't know what to do 
                         with it.  If you think this country's 
                         bad off now Just wait 'till I get 
                         through with it.
                              (Does sailor's hornpipe)
                         The treasury is low on dough; The 
                         last man went and flew with it.  If 
                         you think we're short of money now 
                         Just wait 'till I get through with 
                              (Does Highland fling)
                         The country's taxes must be fixed - 
                         And I know what to do with it, If 
                         you think you're paying too much 
                         now, Just wait 'till I get through 
                         with it.
                              (Takes flute from 
                              inside pocket and 
                              plays strain of Dixie)

                         In our midst you stand The ruler of 
                         this land A man who'll govern with 
                         an iron hand.

                         If anyone gets fresh with me, I'll 
                         show him who's the boss; I'll stand 
                         upon my dignity, And toss him for a 
                         loss.  And this will be the penalty
                         For those who doublecross - We'll 
                         stand 'em up against the wall, and 
                         Pop goes the Weasel

                         If you should make him cross, He'll 
                         toss you for a loss.  If anyone gets 
                         fresh with him, He'll show him who's 
                         the boss.

               Groucho does minuet with girls as above is sung

                         I will not stand for anything that's 
                         crooked or unfair; I'm strictly on 
                         the up and up, So everyone beware.  
                         If anyone's caught taking graft And 
                         I don't get my share, we'll stand 
                         'em up against the wall - and pop 
                         goes the weasel!

                         So everyone beware Who's crooked or 
                         unfair; No one must take a bit of 
                         graft Unless he gets his share.
                              (Groucho dances as 
                              above is sung)

                         If any man should come between A 
                         husband and his bride, We find out 
                         which one she prefers By letting her 
                         decide.  If she prefers the other 
                         man, The husband steps outside; We 
                         stand him up against the wall And 
                         Pop goes the Weasel!

                         The husband steps outside; 
                         Relinquishes his bride; We stand him 
                         up against the wall And take him for 
                         a ride.
                              (Groucho dances as 
                              above is sung)

                         The population must increase With 
                         great rapidity.  We give a couple 
                         seven years To raise a family. If, 
                         by that time, there is no branch 
                         Upon the family tree, we stand 'em 
                         up against the wall - and Pop goes 
                         the Weasel.

               Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins him 
               reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance continues.  
               He might finish dance in her arms, looking tenderly at her 
               as she beams down at him.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (As she beams on him)
                         You've made a wonderful impression.  
                         Your views are liberal... It is easy 
                         to see you have an open mind.

                         That's what I get for dressing in a 

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Your Excellency, you mustn't forget 
                         your appointment at the House of 
                         Representatives... Have you got your 
                         speech ready?

                         I wrote a speech last night that'll 
                         knock them off their seats...
                              (He takes a paper 
                              from inside pocket 
                              as he says above... 
                              then reads from paper)
                         Four score and seven years ago, our 
                         fathers brought forth on this 
                         continent a new nation --

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Why, that's the speech that Lincoln 
                         made at Gettysburg...

                              (With a look of great 
                         He did?... I told my son not to leave 
                         it laying around... Where is son?

               Bob enters

                         Here I am, Father...

                         Send for my car...

                              (Calling to servant 
                              off scene)
                         His Excellency's car!

               This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene...

               A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.

               He bows low as he hands it to Groucho... Groucho takes hat, 
               removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his 
               hat and with a swanky gesture exits... again we hear a 
               servant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car"...

               We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the mansion, 
               outside, standing at attention... their trumpets at their 

               From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His 
               Excellency's car"...

               The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect, put 
               the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to summon 
               the car...

               We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage.  This is a 
               pretentious affair.  In central foreground a wall, in the 
               center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate.  On 
               each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief.  Also 
               two liveried guards stand erect before the gate.  A trumpeter 
               on the wall above.  Through the gate we see the patio and 
               suggestions of the garage.  Two or three high-class cars in 
               background identify the garage.

               At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of trumpeter's 
               call.  Instantly the two guards move to the center of the 
               gates and call through the bars -

                              (In unison)
                         His Excellency's car!

               Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on the 
               other side of the wall.  The two guards open gates moving in 
               military manner.  Immediately the gates are wide open, Harpo 
               appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.

               The motorcycle is decorated... perhaps a crest in relief on 
               the side of the car...  a thin staff, about four or five 
               feet high is fastened to the handle bars...  As Harpo rides 
               along, he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff.  Further 
               along the road he hits a man... he looks behind to see what 
               damage he's done, but continues riding... A CUT BACK to the 
               man shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.

               We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motorcycle... 
               he takes another look back at the man, lowers the flag to 
               half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car and blows 
               a few bars of taps... he mounts motorcycle again and starts 

               CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from mansion... 
               the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat by crossing 
               hands... Groucho sits on the seat made by their hands, puts 
               his arms around their shoulders and they carry him down 
               stairs... as fast as they can.

               CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as Groucho, 
               carried by the men, moves into the scene.  Groucho gets into 
               the side-car... and in Napoleonic manner says to Harpo:

                         To the House of Representatives... 
                         ride like fury... Don't stop for any 
                         signals and don't wait for a corner 
                         to make a turn... see if you can 
                         break a record...

               Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the 
               ground... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle 
               starts off but leaves the side-car.

               Groucho gets out of side-car... starts back to steps, stops 
               and says:

                         A fine thing -- leaving the head of 
                         the nation at the foot of the 

               As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo... riding along...

               A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite 
               direction.  As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to 
               attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and 
               continues on down the street.  Harpo turns his motorcycle 
               around and starts after her.  She looks around, sees Harpo

               pursuing and breaks into a run... CUT BACK to Harpo following 
               her, putting on speed... he lowers the Freedonian flag and 
               simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and cross-
               bones on it, displayed prominently.  A motorcycle cop is 
               parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators...  
               he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor 
               and follows in pursuit...

               The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes up 
               the stairs in an effort to escape.  Harpo comes into the 
               scene and rides up the stairs after her... As Harpo gets 
               about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen 
               approaching the mansion.

               CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running madly 
               through the room... a moment later we see Harpo on his bike 
               following... there is panic among the guests.  Then we see 
               the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular 

               CUT BACK to Harpo.  He looks behind him as he rides and sees 
               the motorcycle cop following on his bike.  On the balcony 
               above,  the girl is running, with an occasional glance over 
               her shoulder as she runs out of scene... Harpo rides into 
               scene.  This time he is bent over his handle-bars in the 
               manner of a six day bicycle rider... following closely behind 
               him rides the motorcycle cop.  They circle the mezzanine... 
               Harpo in the lead, looking back now and then over his shoulder 
               at his pursuer... this is done in imitation of a six day 
               bicycle race... The motorcycle cop is closing in on Harpo... 
               the latter approaching a large open door, rides through the 
               opening, but the cop continues on around the balcony...  as 
               he gets to the opposite side of the circular balcony he passes 
               another open doorway.  Harpo comes riding out of it and is 
               now in pursuit of the cop...

               CUT down stairs to Groucho... One hand is upraised holding a 
               gun.  As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun, then 
               addresses guests looking into CAMERA.

                         That concludes the nine o'clock 
                         sprints... Next Saturday night the 
                         winner of the six day bicycle race 
                         will receive ten thousand dollars in 
                         gold... the following morning we go 
                         off the gold standard...

               CUT BACK to balcony... Harpo is passing the cop...  He holds 
               up his hand for the cop to stop... they both come to a halt... 
               Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over angrily to cop, 
               takes out his book, writes out a summons and hands it to the 
               cop as we FADE OUT...

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "A"

                                       SEQUENCE "B"

               FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Representatives.  
               This interior although not a replica of our own House of 
               Representatives, should be close enough technically to sell 
               the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-looking 
               dignitary.  On the platform are a few desks... perhaps a 
               pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives...  The one to the 
               right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by Bob 
               Firefly.  He takes notes as the meeting progresses.

               Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement, which is 
               stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker of the 

                         Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for 
                         forty-six years we have enjoyed the 
                         friendship of Amnesia, so ably 
                         represented by Ambassador Trentino.
                              (Indicating the 
                              Ambassador who is 
                         We owe it to ourselves to listen to 
                         what he has to say...

               Trentino takes the floor

                         Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual 
                         for a representative of one country 
                         to advise the legislative body of 
                         another, I assure you that I have 
                         the interest of Freedonia at heart 
                              (Deferential applause)
                         We have lent you money in the past -- 
                         we are willing to lend you money 
                         again -- but, we cannot do it if 
                         your leader is allowed by you, to 
                         carry out his ridiculous proposals... 
                         In self-protection it is my --

               Bob rises to interrupt

                         I object!...  we have no right to 
                         discuss this matter in the absence 
                         of my father.

                              (To House)
                         We have been meeting every morning 
                         for eight days and not once has His 
                         Excellency been on time...

                              (Looking at his watch)
                         Gentlemen, I cannot wait much 

                              (To Bob)
                         Would you mind calling your father 

               Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall...

               CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's 
               pole.  The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.

               Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which 
               he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he slides 
               down the pole.  We pick him up finishing the slide down the 
               pole into the House of Representatives.  As he arrives the 
               members are on their feet singing the last four bars of the 
               national anthem.

                         HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the 
                         brave and free...

               Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on his coat 
               as he goes...  Just as he reaches the desk the singing 
               subsides.  Groucho turns to the body of men and looks off in 
               the direction of one of the representatives.

                              (Pointing toward the 
                              individual off scene)
                         The Secretary of Agriculture was a 
                         little flat...
                              (He takes a match and 
                              scratches it across 
                              the top of the desk 
                              to light his cigar...  
                              takes a few puffs, 
                              then raps the gavel.)
                         I move we open the morning session...  
                         Has anybody got a cork screw?
                              (Looking out and around 
                              at members)

                                      [page missing]

                         What's to stop you from digging one... 
                         And after you dig a river, how're ya 
                         gonna cross it without a bridge...?  
                         We've got to have a bridge to stop 
                         people from going places -- then 
                         we've gotta stop them from coming 
                         back.  If you're worried about the 
                         expense we can have a bridge with 
                         only one end -- and if that's a 
                         success we can do away with it 
                         altogether. I'm telling you that 
                         what this country needs is --

               Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... 
               this is followed by the piping of a whistle playing the first 
               strain of the PEANUT VENDOR...

               Groucho listens, annoyed and then continues

                         If there's one thing we don't need 
                         right now -- it's peanuts -- 
                         gentlemen, what good is a bridge if 
                         you haven't got ammunition to blow 
                         it up... ammunition was never 
                         cheaper...  Right now, you can get 
                         two cannons for the price of one and 
                         shoot twice as far for half the 
                         money...  With every five thousand 
                         dollar purchase we throw in a Big 
                         Bertha... If you don't like her, you 
                         can throw her right out again.  I 
                         tell you no country can protect itself 
                         without --

               Again Chico's voice comes over scene singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-
               S"...  The whistling of the first strain of song - the PEANUT 
               VENDOR is heard again

                         I'm sorry your Excellency, it is 
                         that infernal peanut vendor
                         Chicolini... How can we accomplish 
                         anything with that constant annoyance?

                         Your Excellency - are we or are we 
                         not going to discuss this problem - 
                         my time is valuable - I'm a man of 
                         few words -

                         I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!!

               Trentino exits resentfully

                              (To Bob - aroused)
                         Go out and chase that peanut vendor 
                         away from the building -- Get rid of 
                         him if you have to use violence - if 
                         necessary call out the militia and 
                         if he isn't looking get me a bag of 

                         I've tried to chase him but it's no 
                         use - he won't go -

                         He won't eh? - We'll see about that - 
                         send for your father immediately.

                         But you're my father -

                         Never mind then, I'll get in touch 
                         with him myself -

               CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut stand which has 
               a whistle on it conspicuously displayed -

                              (Singing loudly)

               CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT VENDOR" - Trentino 
               enters to Chico -

                              (To Trentino)
                         How'm I doing, boss?

                         Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything 
                         you can to disturb Firefly - Now 
                         what about your cousin?

                         He's working very hard - I got him a 
                         job driving Firefly's car - He's-a 
                         driving him crazy and I'm driving 
                         him nuts - P-E-A-N-U-T-S

               Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks approvingly 
               and exits - the whistling of the tune following as we CUT 
               inside to Groucho - and the well-known vamp of the "Peanut 
               Vendor" is heard coming over scene with orchestra 

                              (Glaring angrily at 
                         I'll get rid of that pest - watch me --

               He walks determinedly in direction of window and breaks into 
               a rhumba - with hands on hips - dipping to ground a la Spanish 
               dancer... as he reaches window we CUT outside.  Groucho is 
               seen in the window - which is on the ground floor - Chico is 
               by his peanut stand.

                              (To Chico - angrily)
                         Hey you!!

                         All right -

               Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand - throws it to Groucho - 
               The latter catches bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts 
               to eat the peanuts.

                         Have you got a license?

                         No, but my dog he's a got millions 
                         of them --

                              (Munching peanuts as 
                              Chico walks over and 
                              stands under window)
                         What kind of a dog is he?

                         He used to be a bloodhound but he's 
                         anemic --

                         Well - what is he now?

                         He's half poodle and half watch dog -

                         Half watch dog?

                         Yeh, he's only got one eye.

                         I don't know much about dogs but you 
                         ought to be on the end of a leash - 
                         a ninety-nine year leash -
                              (Gives him a look of 
                         Look - what do you call your dog?

                         I don't call him, I whistle.

                         What do you whistle?

                         Yankee Poodle.

                         I've got just the place for a man 
                         like you but I'm too busy right now 
                         to do any digging.  What do you call 
                         your dog when you want him?

                         I don't want him.

                         Well, if you don't want your dog why 
                         don't you put him in a pound?

                         He only weighs ten ounces --

                         I can use you in the House of 
                         Representatives.  We need a man who 
                         understands dogs -- and that's where 
                         this country is going to.  Step 

               Groucho turns and disappears from the window - CUT INSIDE of 
               House of Representatives

                              (To Bob)
                         In case of fire, how long will it 
                         take to empty this place?

                              (After a moment's 
                         About - thirty-four seconds.

                         We'll start a fire --
                         -- and get rid of these microbes.

               Groucho exits towards door leading into his private office.  
               CUT to inside of private office which has another door leading 
               to a hallway, and among other articles of furniture, there 
               is an impressive-looking desk on which is a telephone.  Just 
               as Groucho comes through the door into his office, Chico 
               enters through the other door.  He is wearing gauntlets, 
               reaching half way up his arms.  As they walk toward each 
               other the telephone rings and the two men make a mad  dash 
               for the telephone on the desk.  Chico beats Groucho to the 
               phone, picks up the receiver.

                              (At telephone)
                         Hello!...  Yes...  Yes...  He's not 

               Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho who is waiting 

                         That was for you.

                         I'm sorry I'm not in.  I wanted to 
                         have a long talk with you...  Now 
                         look here, my good man, you've got 
                         to stop yelling "peanuts" in front 
                         of the House of Representatives.

                         Oh no, I can't do it.

                         You don't want to be a public 
                         nuisance, do you?

                         Sure.  How much does the job pay?
                         Sure, if there's a chance for 

                         You wouldn't consider going over 
                         Niagara Falls without a barrel?

                         'At's-a no good.  I went to Niagara 
                         Falls once.

                         Did you shoot the rapids?

                         No, but I shot some ducks.

                         If there was an open season for 
                         fellows like you, I'd get myself a 
                         hunting license.   Anyway, I'm going 
                         to make you a sporting proposition.  
                         You give up the peanut stand and 
                         I'll make you vice-president of the 

                         Oh, no -- nothing doing.  I had a 
                         brother who was a vice-president 
                         once and that's the last we ever 
                         heard of him.

                         Well, maybe he's still the vice-
                         president.  Now if I were to offer 
                         you --

               Telephone bell rings.  The two men turn and run for the 
               telephone.  Again Chico gets there first.  Groucho stands by 
               exasperated while Chico talks to the party on the other end 
               of the line

                              (To telephone)
                         Hello...  Yes...  No, not yet... All 
                         right...  Goodbye.
                              (Hangs up receiver - 
                              then says to Groucho)
                         That was for you again.  He wants 
                         you to call him up as soon as you 
                         get back.

                         I don't know what's keeping me.  I 
                         should've been here a long time ago.  
                         Now how about my proposition?

                         What other job you got?

                         Let's see -- What've I got in my 
                         cabinet besides mice --
                              (Stops to think - 
                              then very 
                         I've got it -- how would you like to 
                         be Secretary of the Interior?

                         That's no good.  I like to work on 
                         the outside.  I must have something 

                         Then you don't wanna work hard?

                         I don't wanna work at all.

                         In that case you'll have to take a 
                         civil service examination --  if you 
                         pass I'll put you in the post-office -- 
                         stick out your tongue.

                         I don't wanna stick out my tongue.

                         Well, if you wanna work in the post-
                         office you'll have to stick out your 

                         Look, I'm a very nervous man.  I 
                         gotta have a job where I come to 
                         work at eleven -- go to lunch at 
                         twelve -- and quit at one.  And twice 
                         a year I gotta have a six month 

                         I've got just the job for you -- 
                         Secretary of War.

                         'At's-a fine.

               Telephone bell rings.  They both make a dash for the 
               telephone, but Harpo rushes in through hallway door and 
               reaches the phone first.  Harpo picks up through telephone 
               receiver, listens to conversation on the other end with an 
               occasional nod and shake of the head.  As he listens, he 
               scribbles message on a piece of paper.  He holds the written 
               message up to the telephone receiver for a moment, then writes 
               a few more words on the paper.  During this, Chico and Groucho 
               stand by, terribly worried.  Finally Harpo hangs up the 
               receiver and exits, tearing up the paper

                              (After a moment's 
                              glance at Harpo)
                         You know, I'd be lost without a 
                         telephone.  Now - where were we?  
                         Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary 
                         of War.  The first thing you do is 
                         buy ammunition -- you buy it from me 
                         and I get 10% commission.

                         What do I get?

                         You get half mine and I get half 

                         I don't want to buy ammunition -- we 
                         no gotta war.

                         Then we've gotta start one. Do you 
                         know how to start a war?

                         Sure, that's easy.  You gotta insult 

               Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with his gloves, 
               then as quickly brings to light a card which he presents to 
               Chico in the professional manner of an experienced duelist

                         My card.

                         That's a-no good.  You gotta insult 
                         somebody from another country.  Look --
                              (Puts his large gloves 
                              on the desk)
                         I come from one country.  You come 
                         from another country.  I say something 
                         you don't like.  You say something I 
                         don't like - and I'm insulted.

                         Why wasn't I insulted?

                         You was insulted, but you don't know 

                         Then I demand an apology!

                         That's a-no good.  If I apologize we 
                         no got a war.  Look -- I send you a 
                         scrap of paper.  You send me a scrap 
                         of paper -- and we have a scrap.

                         You've got a brain after all - and 
                         how you get along without it is 
                         amazing to me -- Now, who can I 
                         insult?...  Who do we owe money to?...
                         AMBASSADOR TRENTINO!  How about him?

                         He's-a very easy to insult --  I say 
                         something to his niece once, and he 
                         slapped my face.

                         Why didn't his niece slap your face?

                         She did.

                         What did you say to her?

               Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho gives him an 
               indignant look

                         You're lucky I don't slap your face -- 
                         you oughtta be ashamed of yourself.  
                         Where did you hear that story?

                         You told it to me.

                              (Puzzled for a moment)
                         Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should 
                         have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face 
                         when she told it to me... I'm going 
                         right out and find Trentino.  You go 
                         right out and get yourself an army.

               Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him

                         Wait a minute.  What kind of an army 
                         do you think we oughtta have?

                         I think we oughtta have a standing 
                         army, so we can save money on chairs.

               At this point Chico is at the door and exits - Groucho slams 
               the door right in his face - then he walks over to the desk 
               and sees the larger gauntlets.  He takes a swing with his 
               own gloves, then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet.  He 
               leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with the gauntlets 
               in is hand.

               CUT outside.  Harpo is just pulling up to the curb in front 
               of the House of Representatives, in his motorcycle and side 
               car.  Groucho comes from the building wearing gauntlets, 
               gets into the side car and with a dignified wave of his hand, 

                         To Mrs. Teasdale's residence!

               The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving the side car 

                         This is the fifth trip I've made 
                         today and I haven't been anywhere 

               And, as he gets out of the side car and starts to go back 
               into the building, the scene

                                                                  FADES OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "B"

                                       SEQUENCE "C"

               FADE IN to garden party.  This is an afternoon tea in the 
               garden of the Teasdale estate.   Spotted in the set-up are 
               innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables.

               The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the 
               first sequence.  The only two people absent are Ambassador 
               Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale.  Vera Trentino is seated at one 
               of the tables and her presence is established there in the 
               opening shot.  Music is heard over the scene and should be 
               continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra 
               on the premises.  Suddenly the chatter ceases as the following 
               announcement is heard coming over scene.

                                     GUARD'S VOICE
                              (From off scene)
                         His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!

               All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone rises to 
               sing the last four bars of the national anthem.

               Cut to the gateway leading into the garden... a servant on 
               each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through 
               the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets...

                         HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA Land of the 
                         brave and free...

               Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards and 
               starts down the walk among the guests.  From his attitude it 
               is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador Trentino.  
               Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest off 
               scene.  The following dialogue comes over the scene.

                                     TRENTINO'S VOICE
                         Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage 
                         would not only unite two great 

               CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner of the 
               garden -- both are at a tea table.  This shot leaves Groucho 

                         ...but would further cement the 
                         relations of our countries.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Fluttering with 
                         Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed 
                         But you see - well - I --

                              (Repressing his anger - 
                         Oh.  Then there his somebody else?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Well no -- not exactly -- but --

                         Gloria -- I've waited for years.  I 
                         won't be put off!  I love you!  I 
                         want you!
                              (Taking her hand 
                         Can't you see that I'm at your feet?

               Groucho enters the scene.

                              (To Trentino)
                         When you get through with her feet, 
                         you can start on mine.  I haven't 
                         been to a chiropodist in two years...
                              (To CAMERA)
                         If that's not an insult, I don't 
                         know what is.
                              (Turns to Gloria)
                         Gloria, I love you.  I --

                              (Furious, to Gloria)
                         Can't we go some place where we can 
                         be alone?

                              (To Mrs. Teasdale)
                         What can this mug offer you?  Wealth 
                         and family.  I can't give you 
                              (Archly lifting his 
                         ...but we can have a little family 
                         of our own.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Oh, Rufus!

                         All I can offer you is a Rufus over 
                         your head.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Happily confused)
                         Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know 
                         what to say.

                         I wouldn't know what to say either 
                         if I was in your place.
                              (Turning to Trentino)
                         Maybe you can suggest something.

                         This has gone far enough!  This 
                         interruption is humiliating, to say 
                         the least...

                         Well, why not say the least and get 
                         it over with?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Gentlemen!  Gentlemen!

                              (Half addressing Mrs. 
                         I didn't come here to be insulted.

                         That's what you think.

                         You swine!

                         Give me that again!

                         You worm!

                         Once more!
                              (Holds his gauntlets 
                              in his hand, ready 
                              at any moment to 

                         You upstart!

                         That's it!  No man lives who can 
                         call a Firefly an upstart.

               Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across the 
               face with his gauntlets.  Then he quickly flashes his card 
               and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist.

                              (As he offers the 

               A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted by 
               the rumpus begin to move into the scene.  Prominent among 
               these is Vera Trentino.  Trentino refuses Groucho's card, 
               white with rage.

                         I shall report this indignity the my 
                              (To Mrs. Teasdale - 
                              polite but firm)
                         Mrs. Teasdale,  I feel this 
                         regrettable occurrence will plunge 
                         our countries into war.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Half crying)
                         This is terrible!

                         Uncle, you can't do this!

                         My dear niece -- I must ask you not 
                         to interfere.  War is not a woman's 

                              (Rising angrily)
                         It is every woman's problem.  Who 
                         supplies the sons? -- the brothers? -- 
                         the husbands?  Who...

                              (To Vera -- 
                         You keep that up and you'll crab the 
                         whole war.

                         Carry out this tragic folly if you 
                         will -- But I for one will not be a 
                         part of it.
                              (She winks at Trentino)
                         I will stay here in Freedonia.

                              (As a faint smile of 
                              understanding vanishes 
                              from his face)
                         Very well then, if that's how you 
                         feel about it --
                              (suggestive shrug of 
                              his shoulders)
                         My country has spoken.

               He turns on his heel as if about to leave.  Groucho stops 

                         Then it's war?


                         How're ya fixed for ammunition?

                              (Waves Groucho aside 
                              and exits)

                         THEN IT'S WAR!

               SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta

                         THEN IT'S WAR!

               SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta

                         GATHER THE FORCES!

               SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta

                         HARNESS THE HORSES!

               SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta

                         THEN IT'S WAR!

               The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is punctuated 
               by the staccato notes of the trumpet.  Groucho makes a 
               military exit from scene in time to the music, which goes 
               into a military march.  As Groucho reaches the gate, the 
               guard hands him his high silk hat.  Groucho takes the hat -- 
               removes a white rabbit from it  -- hands it to the guard -- 
               as he exits through gate.


                                   END OF SEQUENCE "C"

                                       SEQUENCE "D"

               INSERT of newspaper.  The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from 
               background -- as it stops we read the following headlines:


               Through this insert we get the vague impression of war 
               activity.  We see the movement of soldiers' feet.  From the 
               background the second insert moves up to CAMERA...

               The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert 
               comes from the background.  The headline reads:


               Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons 
               moving along.  This is replaced by the the insert coming 
               from the background.  The headlines read -


               Bombing planes move through this insert.  The front page of 
               the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until 
               we come to the classified ad section of the paper.  We see 
               the following advertisement:

               WANTED: - A female spy.

               Must be young and attractive Apply to Office of Secretary of 

               Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad --

               WANTED: -- A Chauffeur Below the war nurse ad we see part of 
               another ad in which a cook is wanted.

                                                                DISSOLVE TO

               A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously 
               those of very pretty girls.  The CAMERA moves upward 
               disclosing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row 
               in the ante-room of the Secretary of War's office.  On the 
               door leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the 
               lettering: PRIVATE.  The CAMERA discloses only four or five 
               of these girls, but we know there are more in the room.  Bob 
               appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and 
               addresses the first girl - nearest the door.

                         The Secretary of War will see you 
                         next, Miss.

               This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form.

               She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's 
               office.  Bob closes the door behind her.  The CAMERA now 
               moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl 
               in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl.  On the other side 
               of him are more girls.  A girl to the right of him turns to 
               the girl beside her.

                              (To the girl at her 
                         Did you hear the one about the woman 
                         taking a bath?... Well, she forgot 
                         to lock the door... A man came in 
                         and said, "I'm a doctor"... The woman 
                         said, "I'm not sick"... and the man 
                         said, "that's all right.  I'm not a 

               All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark.

               Harpo is laughing also.  He slaps the story-teller on the 

               Her laughter ceases instantly.  She slaps him back, and gets 
               another slap on the leg in return.  A little squeal of pain 
               from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her 
               leg just above the knee.

                              (To Harpo)

               Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his 
               leg for her to look.  On his leg is tattooed a picture of 
               two hearts entwined with an arrow running through both.  She 
               gives Harpo dirty look and rises

                                                                     CUT TO

               Private office of Secretary of War.  The office is cluttered 
               with war implements, maps, etc.  The examination of the girl 
               is in progress.  She is turning around in the manner of a 
               clothes model.  Chico is looking her over.

                              (To girl)
                         You look pretty good to me - but 
                         very still need a spy - Have you got 
                         any credentials?

               The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees revealing 
               an attractive leg.  She reaches into her stocking for a paper.

                              (Taking a very good 
                         You got credentials all right.

               The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico.  Chico 
               looks at the paper

                         This is fine.  Put it back.

               Hands the girl the paper.  She lifts her dress above her 
               knees again and puts the paper back in her stocking, while 
               Chico looks on.  She drops her skirt.

                         I think I better take another look 
                         at that paper...

               She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico steals 
               another glance.  The girl drops her skirt and hands him the 

                              (Looking at the paper)
                         I look this over later -- now I look 
                         you over.  If you want to be a spy, 
                         you gotta be in good condition.  I 
                         better examine you.

               He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to her heart 
               and listens.

                              (Listening to girl's 
                              heart beat)
                         There's something wrong -- I think 
                         I'm getting Whiteman's band.

               Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch from 
               vest pocket.  He feels her pulse while looking at the watch.

                         According to my watch it's four 
                              (Puts watch back in 
                              his pocket)
                         Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta 
                         make love to men.  Come on -- let's 
                         see you make love...

               She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair, puts 
               both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very amorous, 
               bends him over and kisses him madly.  She lets go after a 
               little while and Chico comes up for air.  He staggers around 
               in a daze.  Then he takes the watch from his vest pocket, 
               hands it to her, extends his wrist and says:

                         Now you feel my pulse.

               Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the 
               anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of 
               confusion.  The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two 
               of them are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above 
               their knees.  There is a little white mouse running about 
               the room.

               Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench.  The girl just 
               interviewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, 
               screams and joins in the general confusion.  Groucho enters 
               as the girls are running about - zig-zags among them and 
               continues through the room into the private office of Chico - 
               closing door behind him. The girls clear out of anteroom and 
               Harpo is left all alone.  He takes a small mouse trap from 
               his large pocketbook, puts it on the floor, crouches down 
               and whistles to the mouse in the manner of a man trying to 
               call a dog.  The mouse in answer to the whistle runs into 
               the trap.

                                                                     CUT TO

               The Secretary of War's office.  Chico at the phone.

                              (To phone)
                         Send in the next girl.
                              (He hangs receiver up)

                         By the way, are you sure we need a 

                         Sure, we gotta have a spy.  If we no 
                         got a spy who's gonna tell the other 
                         side what we're doing?

               At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door, 
               carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the 
               size of a carpetbag.   He walks past Groucho in a seductive 
               manner, swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously.  
               Groucho is delighted with this action and returns the ogling.

                              (To Harpo)
                         Have you got any credentials?

               Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his leg 
               of the two hearts.  Groucho examines it closely.

                         I don't go in much for modern art.  
                         Have you got anything by one of the 
                         old masters?

               Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a picture 
               of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy".  Chico and Groucho arise from 
               the examination.

                         I'm glad I didn't ask you for 
                         "Washington Crossing the Delaware".

                              (To Harpo)
                         We've gotta have somebody who knows 
                         how to get secrets from men.  You 
                         know how to make love?

               Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him and 
               starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very hard.  In 
               the midst of this there is a loud report.

               A startled look from Groucho and Chico.  We see that Harpo 
               is minus one breast.  He tries to affect an innocent look 
               when suddenly there is a second loud report and his breasts 
               are now as flat as a billiard table.

               Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho, a 
               hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his bustle 
               and the bustle is becoming deflated.)

                              (To Harpo)
                         You ought to carry a spare.

               Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back to 
               CAMERA.  He takes a tube out of his dress front and begins 
               to blow.  Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled look as they watch 
               him - the bustle starts to expand.

               This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as they 
               look on.

                              (Looking at Harpo)
                         We're certainly living in a marvelous 

               There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's clothes are 
               blown off him - leaving him in nothing but running pants and 
               ladies' silk stockings.  His body is literally covered with 

                         That's very funny... he certainly 
                         fooled me.  He'll make a good spy.

               Winks significantly at Harpo.  Harpo returns the wink.

                              (Examining tattoos)
                         If we can't use him as a spy, we can 
                         have him framed.

               He and Chico continue further examination of the tattooed 
               designs on Harpo's body.

                         Say, that's a nice collection.  You 
                         oughta have a catalogue.

               Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his trunks 
               and hands it to Chico.  Groucho and Chico look at the 

                         Let's take a look at number eighteen.

               Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb tattooed 
               job of a beautiful girl's head.

                              (Referring to picture 
                              of girl)
                         Say, she's all right.  You got-a her 
                         phone number?

               Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number tattooed 
               right under the arm pit.  He holds this a moment, then turns 
               and discloses a portion of the tattooing on his chest.  
               Groucho and Chico's eyes shift from the telephone number to 
               the tattooed picture on his chest.  Harpo completes move and 
               discloses the entire picture.  It is a country back-house 
               with a crescent over the door.  Chico laughs uproariously.

                         That's a funny one!

               He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly.

               TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST.  The door in the outhouse flies 
               open.  The head of a real man appears in the opening.  He 
               looks off in the direction of Chico and mumbles incoherencies 
               under his breath.

               He is terribly angry at being interrupted.  He draws in his 
               head, closing the door behind him.

                              (To Harpo)
                         I think we can use you.  Here's a 
                         spy glass... go ahead and do some 

               Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward the window.  
               As he looks across street through binoculars, he is grinning 
               all over and wiggling around like a happy kid.


               Looking into the open window of a bedroom as Harpo would see 
               it through the binoculars.  A beautiful girl is undressing, 
               preparing to retire.  After a moment of this shot CUT BACK 
               to Harpo looking through the binoculars.  Chico takes the 
               binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the scene, 
               proceeds to look himself.  He registers the same satisfaction 
               as Harpo and hands the binoculars to Groucho.  As Groucho 
               looks through the binoculars at the beautiful girl, Chico 

                         He's going to make a good spy... 
                         that's not bad for the first day.

                              (Turning and looking 
                              at Chico)
                         That's not bad for any day.

               Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars at the 
               beautiful girl.  This time he sees Harpo chasing the girl 
               around the roam.  This is shot through the binoculars as 
               before.  Groucho registers amazement as he looks through 
               binoculars; perhaps squints his eyes once or twice and takes 
               second look.

                              (To Chico)
                         Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a 

               Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room across the 
               street.  Binocular shot as before.  The girl is in her 
               underwear, tearing out of the room into the hall, pursued by 
               Harpo.  Chico is still looking through the binoculars.

                         You're right about that guy -- I 
                         think we've got something.

                         I don't know about us, but I know 
                         he's-a got something...

               CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the beautiful 
               girl.  She comes dashing madly out of the door and starts 
               down the street, clad only in her underwear.  Harpo appears 
               in doorway, riding his motorcycle and starts down the street 
               after her.

                                                                   FADE OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "D"

                                       SEQUENCE "E"

               FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home...  It is a 
               smartly appointed room.  Its main feature for our purposes 
               is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above.

               In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by fireplace 
               while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up and down...

                         This is all Firefly's fault -- that 
                         idiot, that fool...

                         I thought everything was working out 

                         Fine nothing!  I didn't want war...  
                         My plan was to marry Mrs. Teasdale 
                         and overthrow Firefly.

                         Maybe you can still win the old dame 
                         over -- why not try to --

               At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming downstairs 
               and hushes Vera with a nudge.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (As she descends stairs)
                         I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting...

               Trentino walks over to meet her.

                              (Taking her hand)
                         Mrs. Teasdale...
                              (Kisses her hand)
                         I deeply regret the unfortunate affair 
                         with his Excellency, but his attitude 
                         left me no alternative...

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         To think that this should happen 
                         after all these years of friendship.

                         Maybe the war can still be averted...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Oh, if only it could...

                         Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket 
                         my pride and do anything I can to 
                         make up with his Excellency.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Oh, would you...?

                         For you, I would do anything...
                              (Bowing graciously)

                         If only we can get his Excellency to 
                         listen to reason...

                              (To Mrs. Teasdale)
                         Perhaps he will listen to you...

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         Perhaps...  I'll call him...

               She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number there 
               is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging 
               significant looks...

               CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Talking into phone)
                         Hello, your Excellency?...  I hate 
                         to disturb you -- I know you're a 
                         very busy man, but I must see you at 

               CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone...  He is lying in 
               bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers...  the bed 
               is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers...

                              (Into phone)
                         Why not come over here? -- You can 
                         come in the back way and no one'll 
                         see you...

               CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Into phone)
                         But your Excellency, you must -- oh 
                         thank you -- please hurry...
                              (She hangs up phone... 
                              and walks over to 
                              her guests)
                         He'll be right over...

               CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room), 
               disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho 
               comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long 
               box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from 
               the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino.

                              (Hanging on to pole -- 
                              addressing Trentino)
                         If I knew you were here I would've 
                         brought some cheese...

               He shoots right up the pole again out of sight.  Hold CAMERA 
               on this shot for an instant...  Groucho comes sliding down 
               again... this time he is fully dressed, including his high 
               hat and the cigar in s mouth...  He walks over to Trentino 
               belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on the way.

                              (To Trentino)
                         So -- you've come to ask for clemency!  
                         I'll give the enemy no quarter -- 
                         not a dime...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador 
                         is here on a friendly visit...  He 
                         came to ask you to patch up the 

                         Let him patch up his own breeches...

                              (To Groucho -- ignoring 
                              Groucho's remark)
                         I'm sorry we lost our tempers...  
                         I'm willing to forget if you are.

                              (Like an injured woman)
                         You ask me to forget... Why, my 
                         ancestors would rise from their 
                         graves... and I'd only have to bury 
                         them again... A Firefly never 

                         I am willing to apologize...  I'm 
                         willing to do anything to prevent 
                         this war.

                         Nothing doing!!  I've taken a lease 
                         on the battlefield.  I'd lose my 
                         deposit, besides, I've already ordered 
                         the ammunition...

                              (Putting her arms 
                              around Groucho)
                         Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there 
                         something I can do?

                         Yes, but I'll talk to you about that 
                         when we're alone...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Coming to Groucho)
                         Oh, won't you reconsider...

                         Well, maybe I am a little 
                         headstrong...  But, you know, it's 
                         awfully hard to forget what he called 
                              (Indicating Trentino)

                         What I called you...  Why, what did 
                         I call you?

                         I don't remember.

                              (With a little chuckle)
                         Oh -- you mean... worm?

                              (Smiling coyly)
                         No, that wasn't it...

                         Was it -- swine?

                              (Same attitude as 
                         No... it was a seven letter word.

                              (Thinking, then with 
                              a broad smile)
                         Oh yes! -- UPSTART!

                         That's it...

               Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and socks him 
               across the face... and puts them in his own breast pocket.  
               Trentino becomes apoplectic

                              (Spluttering and 
                         Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is 
                         an outrage!  This man is impossible...  
                         My course is clear...  this means 
                              (Turns to go and turns 
                              and yells to Groucho)
                         You RUNT!

                         I still like UPSTART the best.

               Trentino exits in a rage.  Vera pretends that she is overcome 
               by the scene

                              (Putting her hand to 
                              her brow)
                         Oh, this is dreadful!  If you'll 
                         excuse me I'll go to my room...

               She exits toward stairway

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                              (Excited - almost 
                         Yes, it's awful!
                              (To Groucho)
                         Are you sure you did the right thing?

                         Of course.  Who ever heard of calling 
                         off a war after ordering all the 

               By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited from 
               scene.  Groucho looks around the room furtively to make sure 
               he is not being observed and takes a large envelope from his 
               inside pocket.

                         The plans of war are in this envelope.  
                         I want you to take care of them -- 
                         no one will ever suspect you.

               He hands papers to her

               CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the scene 
               below.  Having heard the conversation, she exits from scene, 
               and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.

                         Guard them with your life... don't 
                         leave them out of your sight...  If 
                         the enemy gets those papers  we're 
                         lost.  If they don't get them, we're 
                         lost.  Can't you see what I'm trying 
                         to tell you?  I love you...   Mrs. 
                         Teasdale, you're the salt of the 
                         earth.  They don't come any better 
                         than you...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Modestly, with a 
                              bashful lowering of 
                              her eyes)
                         Now -- er --

                         Well -- they might come better but 
                         they don't come any bigger... and 
                         the bigger the better.  The bigger 
                         the betta you've got on a horse, the 
                         more you lose, and speaking about 
                         horses, why don't you marry me.  
                         Come, come -- say yes and you'll 
                         never see me again.  I'll go 'way if 
                         it means your happiness...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Oh, your Excellency, you take me off 
                         my feet.

               Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuccessfully to 
               lift her off her feet.

                         Swell chance I've got taking you off 
                         your feet...

               Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesitation, 
               Groucho slides into her lap and continues his passionate 
               love making.

                         Gloria -- may I call you Gloria?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Why -- why -- of course.

                         You can call me Gloria too.  Gloria -- 
                         what a beautiful name.  When I was 
                         born my mother named me Gloria -- 
                         two minutes later she found out her 

               CUT TO door as Bob enters.  He moves in the direction of 
               Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.

                              (Coming into scene)

                              (Looks up and sees 
                              Bob... without being 
                              a bit disturbed... 
                              remains on her lap)
                         Take a letter...

               Bob takes out pad and pencil.

                         Who to?

                         None of your business...  Take another 

               Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in the manner 
               of a studious business man with his hands behind his back... 
               then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad.

                         Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- 
                         Your shipment of sailor hats arrived 
                         this morning by freight --
                              (Turns to Mrs. Teasdale)
                         Gloria, I could go for you in a big 
                         way --
                              (turns to Bob)
                         However, the rifles you sent were a 
                         little rusty --
                              (Then to Mrs. Teasdale)
                         -- and I don't say that to everybody --
                              (Now to Bob)
                         Have not received last month's drawing 
                         account.  How come?
                              (To Mrs. Teasdale)
                         Your neck is like a swan...  Yours 
                         very truly.  Now read it back.
                              (Dashes back to Mrs. 
                              Teasdale's lap)

                              (Reading from pad)
                         Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen.  
                         Your shipment of sailor hats arrived 
                         this morning by freight.  Gloria, I 
                         could go for you in a big way.  
                         However, the rifles you sent were a 
                         little rusty and I don't say that to 
                         everybody.  Have not received last 
                         month's drawing account; how come 
                         your neck is like a swan.  Yours 
                         very truly...

                              (Rising to his feet)
                         They'll know I mean business then 
                         they get that letter...  see that 
                         that gets out immediately and that 
                         goes for you too.

                         Yes, sir.
                              (Exits from scene)

                              (Turning to Mrs.  
                         Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd 
                         be crazy to stay here.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Well, if you must go --

               She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him.  He removes 
               a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her.  He is about to 
               put the hat on his head when something in the hat attracts 
               his attention.  He empties six baby rabbits out of the hat 
               onto the table; puts his hat on and exits.

               CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up to the 
               curb in his motorcycle and sidecar.  Groucho comes out of 
               house and walks directly to motorcycle.

                              (To Harpo)
                         I'm not taking any more chances.  
                         You sit in the sidecar...

               Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar.  Groucho sits on 
               driver's seat.  The sound of the motor is heard and Harpo 
               drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the motorcycle.

                                                                   FADE OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "E"

                                       SEQUENCE "F"

                                                                  FADE INTO

               Insert of program

                                   GEMS FROM THE OPERAS

                                     PREMIER DANSEUSE

                                      VERA TRENTINO

               DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company 
               singing aria from some well-known opera.  CUT TO orchestra 
               box nearest proscenium arch.  Harpo and Chico are there fast 
               asleep leaning on each other.  They are dressed in Inverness 
               capes - wearing their high hats.  Chico has a red band across 
               his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in 
               gold letters.  An usher enters box with two people in the 

                              (To Chico and Harpo)
                         I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have 
                         the wrong seats.

                         That's all right.  We're not enjoying 
                         ourselves anyway.

                         You belong in that box over there -
                              (Pointing to vacant 
                              box on opposite side 
                              of house - orchestra 

                              (To Harpo)
                         Come on --

               They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll casually 
               across as singing is going on.  Part of the way across, Harpo 
               and Chico react to the singing of a very high note -- it's 
               practically in Harpo's ear.  He stops -- makes a terrible 
               face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and he 
               and Chico continue toward the box --

               CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are headed 
               for.  Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in...

               Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box.  Chico 
               steps into box from stage.  Harpo is about to follow when he 
               spies a pretty girl in box above.  He starts climbing up the 
               proscenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams 
               and dashes out of box.  Harpo completes climb into box -- at 
               this point the singing has just finished and applause breaks 

               Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation 
               of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the 
               box after the girl.  As he is running out of box into the 
               foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino.

                              (Stopping him)
                         Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in 
                         the box below.  The plans of war are 
                         in her purse -- you've got to get 
                         them -- I don't care how, but get 
                         them -- and when you do, bring them 
                         to 492 North Myrtle Road -- you'd 
                         better write that down.

               Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the 
               address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is 
               across Trentino's shirt bosom.  Then he pushes Trentino's 
               coat aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the 
               manner of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back 
               to box.

                                                                     CUT TO

               LOWER BOX

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I wonder what's keeping His 

                         Never mind His Excellency -- you 
                         gotta your pocketbook?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Yes -- why?

                         I wanna powder my nose...

               Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse behind 
               her between her back and the back of the chair...  as we go 
               to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William Tell" 
               is being enacted.  William Tell is just placing the apple on 
               his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks 
               toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow.

                                                                     CUT TO

               UPPER BOX

               Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head -- reaches 
               down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow.  He takes a 
               good aim and lets the arrow fly...  It hits its mark and the 
               apple falls to the ground.  William Tell, having arrived at 
               spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take aim and 
               sees that the apple is gone.  He picks up another, at the 
               base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son.

               CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell.  He reaches down 
               into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets 
               arrow fly.  Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to 
               ground.  William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take aim 
               and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing apple.  
               The tree is bare and there are no more apples around.

               A whistle is heard coming over scene.  William Tell turns in 
               direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with 
               his fingers in his mouth.  Reaching down into the box, he 
               brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the 
               stage.  CUT TO:  Lower box.

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         If his Excellency doesn't get here 
                         soon, he'll miss the whole 

                         He's-a not missing anything.  He's 
                         in the dressing room with Vera 
                              (Winks at her)

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         In her dressing room?  Why, what 
                         could he be doing there?

                         He could be playing solitaire, but I 
                         don't think so.

               She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico an 
               indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         What's the matter with you?

                         What's the matter with you?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         You haven't been still a moment since 
                         you've been here.  You act as if you 
                         had neurosis --

                         I no gotta new-rosis.  My uncle he's-
                         a got a flower shop -- he's-a gotta 

               Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to look at 
               stage, and jumps again.  She and Chico turn to look at each 
               other.  She, of course, is indignant, while Chico smiles -- 
               his hand is coming from behind her.  She takes the purse 
               from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of the box 
               out of Chico's reach.  CUT TO:

               Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS along, showing 
               several of the ballet dancers limbered up by other dancers.

               This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on 
               one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down.

               The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a 
               stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg 
               in the same manner.

                              (With exaggerated 
                         I shall dance for you tonight as 
                         I've never danced before.

                         This is a fine thing to be doing at 
                         my age.

                         Are you getting tired?

                              (Still working leg)
                         Not at all.  When I was a boy back 
                         on the farm I used to pump my own 

               CUT TO shot taking in the stage and Harpo.  Harpo is in the 
               foreground.  On the stage is our hero and his valet.

                              (Singing to hero)
                         Your love is waiting for you, my 

                         Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat --

               Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's hat.

                              (Continuing singing)
                         Fetch my boots --
                              (Harpo throws boots 
                              on stage Hero 
                         Bring me my sword --
                              (Harpo throws a sword 
                              on stage --)

               Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage with 
               various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc...

               CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for pocketbook 
               on ledge but can't get it.  He whistles up to Harpo.  Harpo 
               looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get the pocketbook, 
               pointing to it.  The singing stops and aplause follows -- 
               the orchestra starts a selection -- which continues through 
               following routine without any singing.

               CUT TO box above.  Harpo takes out a fishing pole with a 
               reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends

               near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occupies 
               an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box.

               CUT TO Harpo reeling in.  CUT TO man on aisle seat -- The 
               hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off his 
               head.  CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction in 
               the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line 
               comes the toupe.  Harpo, astonished, looks down on the victim 
               who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate.

               Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The 
               ink pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads 
               into the form of a toupe parted in the middle.  CUT BACK to 
               Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of a figure 
               of Cupid carved on the arch.  He is now suddenly attracted 
               by something on the stage -- it is a pool with a practical 
               fountain in its center.  Harpo digs into a decorative flower 
               box set in a groove in the proscenium arch.

               He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands 
               up and casts... the line swishes through the air and the 
               hook lands in the pool on the stage.  The line instantly 
               tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool...  
               as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale.

               She covers her face with her hands.  Chico takes advantage 
               of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts 
               hook on handle of purse...  then signals Harpo with a whistle 
               and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions to him 
               to start "hoisting".  The line becomes taut and the purse is 
               yanked out of view.  Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her face and 
               discovers that the purse is missing.

                                     MRS.  TEASDALE
                         My purse -- my purse is gone!

               There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of the guests 
               as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse.

               Chico joins in the search.  He grabs an elderly dignified 
               man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk 

                         He no got it ---

               As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale says

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         This is dreadful -- I must see His 
                         Excellency at once ---
                              (She exits from box)

               CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we find Groucho 
               still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg ---

                         Are you sure you're not tired?

                         Tired!  I'd like to stretch this 
                         into a week -

               Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene.  The sight shocks her but 
               she recovers herself sufficiently to hide the embarrassment.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I hope I'm not interrupting.

                              (Still pumping -  
                              looks over his 
                              shoulder at Mrs. 
                         Take a seat -- you're next.
                              (He lets go of Vera's 
                              leg - and she exits)

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         Your Excellency, something terrible 
                         has just happened.

                         That's all right.  I'll fix you right 

               Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg - she gets away 
               from him.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         My purse has been stolen -- the plans 
                         of war are in it.

                         WHAT  ?

               Walks up and down puffing furiously on his cigar

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect 
                         the Secretary of War.

                              (Still pacing wildly)
                         Don't bother me - I'm thinking -- 
                         What was that?

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         I said - I suspect the Secretary of 

                              (Stopping dead in his 
                         THIS IS TREASON!!
                              (Strikes a pose - 
                              raising his clenched 
                              hands; then to Mrs. 
                              Teasdale scornfully)
                         What a fool I was to listen to your 
                         siren song and fall a helpless victim 
                         under the insidious spell of your 
                         irresistible charms --

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         But -

                              (Paying no attention)
                         You satisfied your selfish whims, 
                         while nations tottered, dynasties 
                         rocked and the world plunged headlong 
                         into a chasm of chaos and oblivion --
                              (Throws her an arch 
                         Not bad, eh?

               Starts for door

               CUT TO - Stage showing about eight bars of Vera Trentino's 
               solo dance.  PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's guests are 
               gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is examining 
               plans of war.

                         This is-a fine - you do a good job - 
                         you make-a no trouble and you waste-
                         a no time.  Come on, we take-a the 
                         plans to the Ambassador.  You gotta 
                         the address?

               Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front is the ribbon 
               with "462 North Myrtle Road" on it -- the door of the box 
               flies open and Groucho bounds in

                         Hands up!

               Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and wheel around

                         You no gotta no gun.

                         Who said I had a gun... Gimme those 
                         plans, you paper snatchers --

               He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the plans to Harpo - 
               Groucho goes after Harpo - the latter leans away over ledge 
               of box and holds the plans out over the stage.  As Groucho 
               is trying to reach for the plans, Vera dances into scene, 
               makes a graceful pirouette and with her outstretched hands 
               takes the plans from Harpo.  As she dances away she deposits 
               the plans in her bodice...

               Vera's male dancing partner enters from the wings, walks out 
               about four feet - stops and strikes a pose with uplifted 
               hand.  Vera is dancing on the opposite side with her back 
               turned.  CUT TO Groucho back stage - he sees the dancing 
               partner - pulls a lever on switchboard marked "TRAP DOOR" -  
               CUT TO stage as the dancer disappears through floor.  CUT TO 
               shot of Vera - preparing to turn to join her partner - she 
               reacts as she sees -- CUT TO Groucho standing on her partner's 
               former spot holding the same pose ...

               CUT TO full stage shot.  Groucho and Vera are dancing 
               together.  During the dance Groucho tries to get the paper.

               He bends her way over in an effort to make the paper drop 
               out of her bodice.  Harpo and Chico, watching the struggle, 
               quickly tear off their capes and coats and leap from the box 
               on to stage in their shirts.

               This develops into a four-cornered adagio dance.

               She hands the papers to Harpo over Groucho's shoulder as she 
               dances with him... Groucho rushes to Harpo and they do a 
               twirl together.  Harpo hands the paper to Chico over Groucho's 
               shoulder.  Groucho rushes at Chico and twirls with him - 
               Chico in trying to pass the papers to Vera drops them on the 
               floor.  They all make a dive for them.  Groucho gets the 
               papers and dashes with them to the lower box just as Mrs. 
               Teasdale enters same.

               The following is a close shot of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.  
               The latter standing on stage right by the box.

                              (Handing paper to 
                              Mrs. Teasdale)
                         Here -- put these plans where no one 
                         will ever find them - sleep on them.

               CUT TO - Dressing room just a Vera, Chico and Harpo enter. 

                         I'm sorry boys -- I did my best -- 
                         it's all my fault.

                         It's not-a your fault.  It's-a his 
                         fault --
                              (Indicating Harpo; 
                              then to Harpo 
                         I fix it for you to getta the plans -- 
                         you getta the plans -- then you losa-
                         a the plans -- now we no gotta the 
                         plans of war...

               Harpo lifts up his shirt and tattooed upon him is the 
               reproduction of the war plans...

                                                                   FADE OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "F"

                                       SEQUENCE "G"

               FADE IN - Mrs. Teasdale's living room.  Night.  Subdued light.  
               We begin with an EXTREME CLOSE CLOSE SHOT of a hand depositing 
               the plans of war in a vault.  This vault is about the height 
               of a man, the door flush with wall.  The CAMERA TRUCKS back 
               and discloses that the one depositing the papers is Mrs. 
               Teasdale -- she is in negligee.  She closes the vault door, 
               pulls a cord, closing a pair of drapes which hide the vault.  
               The CAMERA PANS to the balcony above where Vera Trentino,  
               also in negligee, is watching the action in the living room 
               below.  She tiptoes quietly from the scene.

               Downstairs, Mrs. Teasdale turns out the center table light 
               and moves toward the stairway.

               CUT TO Vera Trentino's bedroom.  Vera comes toward window, 
               raises it quietly and waves a handkerchief, evidently 
               signalling somebody below.

               CUT TO EXTERIOR of house.  Chico and Harpo are waving back 
               to signify that they have caught the signal.  The boys try 
               to raise the window which is located next to the main 
               entrance, but it is locked and they can't budge it.

                         It's all your fault. Now we gotta 
                         steal the plans again -- You had 'em 
                         on you... you take a bath... and now 
                         we no gotta plans of war.

               They try the window again and find it hopeless

                              (To Harpo)
                         You wait here -- I'll let you in.

               Chico walks right in through the door, closes it behind him 
               and then appears at the window.  He raises it from the inside 
               and Harpo climbs in through the window and joins Chico.

               CUT TO INSIDE.  They are walking cautiously across the room 
               when they hear the following coming over scene -- "Psst... 
               Psst..."  They stop and look around, trying to locate the 
               source of the sound.  We CUT TO the balcony and see Vera 
               Trentino, still dressed in her negligee.  Once more she tries 
               to attract them.


               The boys look up and see her.

                              (In a half whisper - 
                         In the safe -- behind the drapes --
                              (Pointing in the 
                              direction of the 

                              (Also in a half whisper)
                         All right -- I'll meet you behind 
                         the drapes.

                              (In a half whisper)
                         No, no -- I mean the plans are in 
                         the safe.
                              (Pointing to safe 

               Harpo hasn't taken his eyes off of Vera during all this, 
               makes a sudden dash for her, as she turns to her room.

               Chico stops him on the second or third step of the stairs.

                         Come on, we gotta no time for that.

               Chico goes over to the safe and draws the curtains, disclosing 
               safe.  Harpo follows and takes from his back pocket a rather 
               large electrical drill with a cord and plug attached to it.  
               Chico takes the cord and plugs it into the wall socket.

               Harpo starts to drill the safe door, making a terrific noise -- 
               the usual reaping whir-r-r of an electric drill.  Chico grabs 
               his hand and stops him from drilling.

                         Wait a minute...  we make too much 
                         noise...  Turn on the radio so they 
                         can't hear what we're doing.

               Harpo goes over to radio and turns it on... a dance tune 
               comes over the air.  Harpo grabs Chico and whirls him around 
               as if he were dancing with a dame...

                              (Jerking himself away 
                              from Harpo)
                         What's-a matter, you crazy... ?

               Chico goes to radio and adjusts dial to another station... 
               the following comes over the air...

                                     RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER
                         Calling car 125... car 125... go to 
                         vacant lot at Tenth and Elm... a 
                         woman walking around in her nightgown ---

               Harpo drops the drill and makes a wild dash for door obviously 
               to go to the woman... Chico stops him.

                         Come on, we gotta finish the job...

                                     RADIO POLICE ANNOUNCER
                         Calling car 67-W... car 67-W... go 
                         to Mrs. Teasdale's residence... 
                         burglars are attempting to break in.

               Chico rushes to phone... and dials...  This shot excludes 

                              (Into phone -- after 
                              slight pause)
                         Hello -- Police department... ?  
                         That fellow's  crazy...  we're in 
                         the house already...

               Chico turns to listen to the next announcement - hanging 
               onto receiver.

                                     RADIO ANNOUNCER
                         The Teasdale residence is located at 
                         232 Poloma Drive...

                              (Into phone)
                         You'll never find us, you gotta the 
                         wrong address...  we're at 235 Poloma 
                         Drive... not 232...  Look, it's a 
                         white house with a shingle roof -- 
                         shingle -- shingle --
                              (and sings to 
                         Shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle 
                         all the way...
                              (Stops singing)
                         That's it, you got it... Hurry up, 
                         if no get-a here soon, we can't 

               Hangs up... looks around for Harpo, who is not there...

                         Hey, Skippy...
                              (Puts his fingers to 
                              mouth and whistles.)

               CUT TO Vera's bedroom.  It is a CLOSE SHOT showing Vera in 
               bed, shot from side of bed.  She is under the bedcovers 
               desperately trying to keep them from being pulled off her... 
               TRUCK back disclosing Harpo on the other end of the bedcovers, 
               trying to pull them off her... for a moment following, a tug 
               of war goes on, Harpo pulling the covers about a foot his 
               way and Vera pulling them back...  The sound of Chico's second 
               whistle coming over scene attracts Harpo, who lets go of the 
               covers and runs out of the room.

               We pick him up outside of the room on balcony.  Without 
               hesitation he slides down the bannisters to join Chico who 
               is waiting at foot of stairs.

                         Hey, you never get the safe open 
                         that way.
                              (Looking up at Vera's 
                         We gotta try the combination...  You 
                         gotta the combination?

               Harpo nods and takes from under his coat a woman's silk 
               combination... winks and looks back in the direction of Vera's 
               room...  Chico snatches it out of his hand and throws it 

               During above Mrs. Teasdale has come out on balcony, sees the 
               boys but can't distinguish them in the room which is 
               practically in darkness except for a few splotches of 
               moonlight.  She runs back into her room...

               CUT TO Mrs. Teasdale's room...  she is at telephone dialing 
               a number...

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (After a slight nervous 
                         Hello?  Your Excellency?  There are 
                         burglars in the house...  I want you 
                         to come right over.

               CUT TO Groucho's bedroom.  He is at the other end of the 
               phone in bed.

                              (Into phone)
                         You come over here.  There are no 
                         burglars in my house.

               CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                              (Into phone)
                         But Your Excellency, you must -- I 
                         tell you there are burglars here...  
                         Oh, thank you...  Please hurry...

               CUT TO Chico and Harpo in living room below at safe.

               Harpo has just finished putting a stick of dynamite in the 
               door of safe...

                         Light it... Now we blow him up...

               Harpo strikes a match, but Chico stops him from lighting it.

                         Wait a minute... we gotta fix it so 
                         it don't make-a so much noise... 
                         What-a we do?

               Harpo takes out a large wad of cotton, tears it, hands two 
               pieces to Chico... they both stuff their ears with large 

                         That's fine... Now, nobody hear the 

               Harpo lights fuse... each stands on either side of safe door 
               waiting for the explosion... after a slight pause, there is 
               a terrific blast of sound... and the screen is masked with 
               smoke.  The smoke clears away and the safe door falls to the 
               floor.  Groucho walks out of the safe putting the plans of 
               war in his inside pocket...

               After a few steps he stops and addresses the boys...

                         That woman is crazy... there are no 
                         burglars around here...

                                                                   FADE OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "G"

                                      SEQUENCE  "H"

               FADE IN - to insert of newspaper which comes from background 
               to CAMERA.  A screaming headline reads:

                                      WAR DECLARED!!

               This insert goes past the CAMERA as another newspaper comes 
               from the background.  The headline reads: -

                               "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL"

               DISSOLVE to Groucho's office.  Groucho is standing in front 
               of his desk reading a newspaper, which is spread over his 

               The headline is the same as in the second insert -

                               "ENEMY APPROACHING CAPITOL"

               Harpo is standing at the other side of the desk.

                              (Pounding his desk)
                         They're coming...
                              (He recites the 
                              following command to 
                         Ride through every village and town 
                         wake every citizen up hill and down 
                         tell them the enemy comes from afar 
                         with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha-

               CAMERA TRUCKS back disclosing a real horse beside Harpo.

                         There'll be two lamps in the steeple 
                         if they're coming by land and one 
                         lamp if they're coming by sea.

               He and Harpo go to the window and look out.

               CUT TO SHOT of a steeple with three lighted lamps -

               CUT BACK to Groucho and Harpo

                         They double-crossed me... they're 
                         coming by land and sea -- Be off, my 

               With a grand gesture, Groucho exits out of scene.

               Harpo grips pommel of the saddle with both hands and in his 
               attempt to make a flying mount, vaults clear over the horse 
               landing on the other side.  He lets down a rope ladder from 
               under the saddle, climbs the ladder, mounts the horse and 
               starts off.

               DISSOLVE to CLOSE UP of Harpo riding at breakneck speed.  As 
               he looks grimly ahead he reaches down out of scene and brings 
               up a three-cornered colonial hat and puts it on his head.

               DISSOLVE to a Moving Insert - Harpo bringing the horse to a 
               stop in front of a farm house.  He blows a blast on a regular 
               army bugle... immediately a few old men rush out of the house 
               in their nightgowns, carrying guns, and into the scene from 
               all directions rush other men, answering the call, similarly 
               attired.  Harpo starts his horse and we DISSOLVE to him 
               pulling up to another farm house.

               This house has a single door on the extreme end of it and a 
               very large French window covering almost the rest of the 
               house.  Harpo stops and sounds the bugle call.  This time 
               there is no answer to his call.  He waits a second, then 
               turns his horse in the direction of the house and rides 
               through the single door.  After a short pause, the doors of 
               the French window fly open and the horse runs out pulling a 
               double bed which is on wheels.  Harpo is standing at the 
               foot of the bed, braced against the bedpost, holding the 
               reins.  There is an old couple, man and woman, fast asleep 
               in the bed - (This couple might be the blase gentleman and 
               young wife used by Peter Arno in his cartoons.)  After riding 
               a few feet Harpo leaps from the bed onto the horse's back 
               and rides off leaving the bed and its occupants on the road.

               DISSOLVE to Harpo pulling up to another farm house.

               He stops, sounds his bugle.  A very pretty young girl, in 
               her night clothes pokes her head out of the second story 
               window.  Harpo takes a good look at her, leaps off his horse 
               and dashes into the house.  A moment later he comes out of 
               the house with a feed bag and puts it on the horse's head....  
               then he dashes back into the house again.  Almost instantly 
               he comes tearing out of the house, followed by an old geezer 
               in his nightgown, who is chasing him, with rifle in hand...

               He fires a few shots -


                                   END OF SEQUENCE "H"

                                       SEQUENCE "J"

               DISSOLVE through the shooting of previous scene to STOCK 
               SHOT of artillery fire on battle field - a profile SHOT with 
               all the activity of an actual battle, but without an 
               indication of falling men.  DISSOLVE from this to interior 
               of Groucho's headquarters behind the front - a wooden shack.  
               The sound of a distant booming of guns is heard over this 
               scene.  On the wall is a large war map with colored thumb 
               tacks indicating the positions of Groucho's men and the enemy.

               Groucho, in the uniform of a Confederate General, (a Robert 
               E. Lee make-up), is studying the war map with a few of his 

                              (Looking at a tack in 
                              a distant sector)
                         Either there's a fly in the room or 
                         we've got a soldier in Africa.

               The door flies open and Bob, in a snappy uniform, enters 
               excitedly and breathlessly.  He faces Groucho with a quick 
               salute and a click of the heels.

                              (Taking a dispatch 
                              from under his belt)
                         A dispatch from the front, sir.

               Groucho snatches the dispatch from Bob's hand, tears it open -- 
               reads it quickly -- claps his hand to his brow and staggers.  
               The generals crowd about him.

                                     A GENERAL
                         Bad news, sir?

                         Bad news -- its disastrous!

                                     A FEW GENERALS
                         What is it?

                              (Reading from dispatch)
                         Private Moscowitz quits!
                              (Groucho rushes to 
                              radio operator)

                         Clear all wires...
                              (The operator works 

                         The enemy has taken Hill 25, throwing 
                         twelve Hill-billies out of work... 
                         Our front is exposed to the enemy -- 
                         we'll have to bring up the rear...
                              (Turning away, then 
                              turning back to 
                              Generals and 
                         P.S.  Have misplaced flag of truce... 
                         look in upper lefthand drawer of my 

               The whining of an approaching shell is heard and a shell 
               about three feet long comes sailing through the open window, 
               speeds through the room and tears through the opposite wall, 
               leaving a clean-cut hole.  Groucho rushes to window and closes 

                                                                    CUT TO:

               SHOT of No Man's Land, with shells exploding in all 
               directions.  We see a head slowly appearing over the edge of 
               shell-hole, looking through spy-glasses.  It is Harpo...

                                                                    CUT TO:

               Inside of shell hole...

               Harpo registers that he has seen something of startling 
               interest.  He drops the glasses, scrambles out of shell-hole 
               and runs out of scene.  He rushes to his waiting motorcycle 
               (without the side-car).

               The staff with the flag flying from it is attached to the 
               handle-bars.  He leaps onto the motorcycle seat and starts 

                                                                    CUT TO:

               A war nurse, attracted by the roar of the motorcycle.

               She looks back, sees Harpo approaching and breaks into a 

               As he closes in on her, she jumps into a trench to escape 
               him.  Harpo rides on a little further to the entrance of the 
               trench and turns in, to continue his pursuit.  A TRUCKING 
               SHOT shows only the flag and staff, tearing along above the 
               surface, with the accompanying roar of the motorcycle which 
               is hidden from view.  As it speeds along, soldiers are leaping 
               up out of the trenches on every side to avoid being run down.  
               This continues doing a zig-zag with abrupt turns...

                                                               CUT BACK TO:

               Groucho's headquarters.  Groucho is discovered there alone, 
               stropping his sword on a razor strap attached to his desk.  
               Chico enters... goes to time-clock on wall, puts his workman's 
               card in it and punches it.  Groucho, attracted by the bell 
               of the time-clock, stops stropping and walks over to Chico, 
               with sword in hand.

                         Late again, eh?  You haven't been on 
                         time once since this war started...
                              (Puts sword in sheath)
                         Get out there and fight...
                              (Pointing commandingly 
                              in direction of battle 

                         I can't do it...

                         Why not?  You're the Secretary of 
                         War, aren't you?

                         Yes, but I'm not working for you any 
                         more.  I'm on the other side.

                              (Like a surprised 
                         Is that so?  I used to think you 
                         were two-faced - but you can't be - 
                         or you wouldn't be wearing that one.  
                         Now - let's talk this thing over.

               Groucho sits down at desk and Chico pulls up another chair 
               and sits at opposite side of desk facing Groucho

                              (Blowing out a puff 
                              of smoke)
                         Now -- how many men you got in your 

                         Well, we gotta one hundred thousand 

                         That's not fair -- we've only got 
                         fifty thousand.

                         That's all right.  We let you have 
                         twenty-five thousand men -- and we 
                         both start even.

                         That's the spirit -- fifty-fifty.

                         No. Seventy-five -- seventy-five.

                         Well, we'll let that one go.  Now -- 
                         how many battalions you got?

                         We gotta two battalions and one 

                         I wish you were still working for 
                         me, so I could ask you to resign.  
                         How're ya fixed for cavalry?

                         I've gotta five thousand men but no 

                         That's funny, we've got five thousand 
                         horses but no men.

                         That's all right -- our men can ride 
                         your horses.

                         Not a bad idea.  If our horses get 
                         tired they can ride your men for a 
                              (Chico nods agreeingly)
                         Now, I don't mind letting you have 
                         our horses, but you must promise to 
                         put them through their maneuvers.

                         Oh, sure.  We have horse maneuvers 
                         every morning.

               At this point, an unusually large shell comes crashing from 
               above, imbedding itself, point down, in the floor without 
               exploding.  Groucho and Chico rush over to look at it.

                              (Looking at shell)
                         Acme Ammunition Company, eh?  How do 
                         you expect to win the war with shells 
                         that don't go off?  Now, if you were 
                         buying your stuff from me, you 
                         wouldn't have that trouble.  Eureka 
                         Ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- 
                         or your money back.  Let me show you 
                         some samples.

               Groucho opens door and yells to some one outside

                         Bring in No. 47, line 8.

               Harpo enters, bent forward, tugging at a rope which tightens 
               over his shoulder, in the manner of a Volga Boatman... at 
               the end of the rope is a cannon, on two wheels

                              (Pointing to gun)
                         That's our latest number...  our 
                         sixteen-inch Horowitz gun.
                              (To Harpo)
                         Load it up.

               Harpo pours a great quantity of powder into the cannon, then 
               to make sure he has enough, he lights a match and looks into 
               the hole.  Groucho takes the lighted match from Harpo.  He 
               lights his own cigar, hands the match back to Harpo.  Harpo 
               pours in a little more powder, makes sure he has enough, 
               then proceeds to ram the powder in the barrel with his horn.  
               He rises and moves to wall toward which the cannon is pointed.  
               He draws a target on the wall with a piece of chalk -- goes 
               back to cannon.  He picks up the firing string, and faces 
               the target toward which the cannon is pointing.  Chico puts 
               his fingers into his ears.  Groucho picks up a pencil from 
               desk - taps it on desk - then raises both hands, in the manner 
               of an orchestra leader.  He holds this pose for a second - 
               and on the down beat, Harpo jerks the string and there is a 
               terrific explosion.  The cannon fires out the back end instead 
               of the front and blows a hole through the back wall.  The 
               two stare off in the direction of the hole.  Groucho turns 
               to Chico.

                         With a gun like that you can kill 
                         some of your own men.

                         That's-a pretty good.  I'll take a 
                         dozen of them.

                         Anything else?
                              (Writing order on pad)

                              (Mentally figuring)
                         Yes, one gross of bullets, two dozen 
                         hand-grenades, three kegs of powder -- 
                         and throw in some matches.

                         Fine.  We'll throw in the matches 
                         before we make the delivery.  By the 
                         way, how're you fixed for spys?

                         Fine.  We gotta him.
                              (He indicates Harpo)

                         So! -- He's on your side, too.


                         Well, with you two fellows on the 
                         other side, this country should have 
                         no trouble keeping the wolf from the 

               Harpo opens the door and discloses a dozen or more snarling 
               wolves at the door.

               CUT TO - INTERIOR enemy headquarters.   The booming of distant 
               guns comes over the scene.  Trentino is there with a Sylvanian 

                         Something must be done immediately.  
                         The soldiers are getting discouraged.

                         There's only one thing to do... we 
                         must capture Firefly.

                         But how?  It's a very dangerous 

                              (Standing near widow)
                         Ask for volunteers.  Some one must 
                         make the sacrifice -- someone --
                              (Stops to gaze out of 
                              window attracted by 
                              off scene roar of 
                         Here comes Chicolini.  Maybe he'll 
                         do it.
                              (Walks away from window)
                         Unless we can make Firefly our 
                         prisoner, we're lost.

               Chico enters. Trentino rushes over to him

                         Chicolini, you've come just in time.  
                         We need a man who's fearless, brave.  
                         A man who's willing to die, if 

                         All right -- I'll go out and find 

                         Firefly must be captured at any cost.

                         That's easy, I'll get him for you 

                         It must be done right away.

                         I can't do it right away.

                         Why not?

                         I got a date with a General's wife.

                         Isn't that a little dangerous?

                              (To General)
                         Not unless you find it out.

                                                                    CUT TO:

               Interior of Groucho's headquarters.  Groucho is on his feet 
               addressing five or six generals, who are seated.  Zeppo is 
               at the desk writing the minutes of the meeting.

                         Boys, I hate to do this, but if you 
                         generals want this war to continue 
                         you'll have to take a cut --

               Bursting of a shell is heard right outside of shack.

               Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, fires a shot from 
               his revolver through the window, hurriedly shuts it, then 
               rushes back to Generals

                         We can't afford to pay the money 
                         we've been paying. Now I don't want 
                         to lay anybody off.  My motto in 
                         this war is: - "Live and let live".

               The bursting of another shell is heard right outside of shack.  
               Groucho rushes to the window, opens it, turns his back to 
               window, takes out a pocket mirror, holds it up in front of 
               him and shoots over his shoulder out of window, taking his 
               aim from the reflection in the mirror, like a trick marksman.  
               As Groucho walks away from window, he hears another explosion 
               outside.  He rushes back to the window, takes a package of 
               small firecrackers out of his pocket, detaches one of the 
               firecrackers, lights it from his cigar and throws it out of 
               the window.  A very small explosion is heard.  Groucho 
               hurriedly shuts the window and rushes back to the generals, 
               as we - CUT TO:

               THE OUTSIDE - A LONG SHOT of a dirigible (miniature) --

               then we go to a CLOSE UP of the dirigible.  On the bag, in 
               large letters, is printed --



               The CAMERA PANS DOWN to the cabin of the dirigible.

               Chico and Harpo are standing at the open door looking down.

                         Look!  That's-a Firefly's 
                              (Pointing down)
                         We catch him right now.

               Harpo reaches back into the cabin, picks up an enormous hook 
               and throws it out.  The rope that is attached to the hook 
               starts playing out rapidly.

               CUT TO --

               LONG SHOT miniature of dirigible and rope dangling from it...

               Then CUT TO - SHOT of rope and hook as it approaches Groucho's 
               headquarters.  It hooks onto the roof of the shack and raises 
               it off the ground.  CUT TO -

               LONG SHOT - miniature of dirigible carrying the shack through 
               the air.

               CUT TO - inside of headquarters.

                              (To generals)
                         Gentlemen, the overhead is killing 
                         us.  Everything is going up.  If we 
                         don't watch ourselves, we'll come 
                         down with a crash.  Now -- all those 
                         in favor of taking a cut say "aye"...

                                     ONE GENERAL
                         But Your Excellency!

                         Carried unanimously.

               CUT TO - SHOT of dirigible carrying the shack.

               The shack just clears a steeple by a few inches.

               CUT TO - INSIDE of headquarters.

                         Now go right out there and fight.
                              (To one general)
                         You go out there and relieve General 
                         Beauregard, and while you're at it, 
                         see what General Motors is doing.

               The general, without saluting, exits out of door and closes 
               door behind him.

                              (To another general)
                         Call him back -- he didn't salute 

               The second general exits out of door without saluting, closing 
               door behind him.

                         Father, he didn't salute you either.


               The remaining generals jump to their feet, stand at attention 
               and salute.

                         Go out there -- all of you -- and 
                         bring those generals back -- dead or 

               All of the generals exit through to door; the last one closing 
               door behind him.

                         Why don't those generals come back?

                         I'll call them.

                         Never mind, I'll go after them myself.

               Groucho goes to door, pulls it open, starts out --

               CUT TO - EXTERIOR OF SHACK (against sky backing).

               Groucho is seen in the open doorway.  He comes out and walks 
               down the steps (there are three steps attached to entrance 
               of door, with railing on each side.  Groucho is about to 
               step off into space.  He grabs the railing and hangs by his 

                         Hey, Junior!

               Zeppo rushes to door and pulls him up by the hands.

               CUT TO - Inside as Zeppo finishes pulling Groucho in.  Groucho 
               scrambles to his feet, rushes to window, leans out of window 
               backwards and looks up.

               CUT TO -- SHOT of dirigible as seen by Groucho.

               CUT BACK inside of shack as Groucho pulls in his head.

                         Get my rifle.

               Zeppo runs for rifle...

                         I'll get rid of them.

               Zeppo returns and hands rifle to Groucho.  Groucho leans out 
               of the window backwards and shoots up into the air...  CUT 
               TO - dirigible (miniature) as the bag explodes.  The smoke 
               fills the screen.  As the smoke clears away we see Groucho 
               and Zeppo descending side by side in two parachutes against 
               sky background.

                              (To Zeppo)
                         Take a letter.

               Zeppo takes out pad and pencil

                         To whom?

                         To whom it may concern...  Dear 
                         Gloria:  The air has done me a world 
                         of good.  I am five thousand feet 
                         above sea level speeding home to 
                         you.  Can you arrange to meet me at 
                         twenty-five hundred feet?  -- which 
                         is only asking you to meet me half 
                         way.  Don't be surprised if I drop 
                         in on you any minute... Your fun-
                         loving Dictator.

               Groucho and Zeppo descend out of scene, as Harpo and Chico 
               come into scene from above, both suspended from the ropes of 
               their parachutes... They are in a sitting position, with a 
               board across their knees, playing cards...

                                                                   FADE OUT

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "J"

                                       SEQUENCE "K"

               FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a large 
               table.  Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo.  Groucho is 
               the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion.

               As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing -

                         Hail, hail, Freedonia...  Land of 
                         the brave and free!

                         My dad is much too great for his 
                         position without a question.  I'd 
                         like to offer this with your 
                         permission as a suggestion: I really 
                         think he should be king!

                         We really think he should be king!

                         I really think he should be king!

                         He should be king!

                         And wear a crown and everything.

                         And everything.

                         I really think he should be king!

                         He should be king!

                         From what I have been gathering, I 
                         think they think I should be king: I 
                         think they think I should be king!

                         He should be king!

                         And wear a crown and everything.

                         And everything.  He should be king!

               Then follows a musical interlude during which Groucho says: -

                              (Speaking to audience)
                         You know I think they think I should 
                         be king.
                              (Then turning to the 
                              guests - singing)
                         Although it would please me to govern 
                         the throng, suppose I were king and 
                         then everything went wrong.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         The king can do no wrong!

                         The king can do no wrong!  The king 
                         can do no wrong!

               They all sit

                         Of course you're All aware a king 
                         must have an heir some one to pass 
                         the family name along will some one 
                         tell me where I'd ever get an heir 
                         if a king can do no wrong

                              (Standing up)
                         The king can do no wrong!
                              (They all sit down)

                         Suppose a pretty dame Into my castle 
                         came - And let us say that I was 
                         going strong.  She might be stuck on 
                         me, but what good would it be, if 
                         the king can do no wrong.

                              (Standing up)
                         The king can do to wrong!
                              (Sitting down)

                         King Solomon was game he gave each 
                         Girl his name to number them would 
                         make a list that long I'll bet his 
                         thousand wives led miserable lives 
                         if the king can do no wrong.

                              (Remaining seated)
                         We really think he should be king 
                         and wear a crown and everything.

                         They think I should - They think I 
                         should - They think I should - They 
                         think I should be king.

                         Mrs. Teasdale rises.

                                     MRS. TEASDALE
                         My dear friends, in time of peace we 
                         should forgive those who fought 
                         against us, and so, I have invited 
                         our former enemies.

               CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages.

               Trentino and Vera enter.  They both stop and bow in 
               acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene.

               As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico and Harpo 
               enter.  The latter is carrying a carpet runner, rolled up 
               under his arm. He flips the carpet runner away from him on 
               the floor, holding onto one end.  It rolls out and Harpo 
               strides majestically down its length toward the table with 
               Chico following.  Harpo pauses, brings to light a cuspidor 
               from under his coat, puts it on the carpet and spits into 
               it, and continues on, following Chico, who is now ahead of 
               him.  Harpo breaks into a run and he and Chico dash madly to 
               the table.  They take seats on either side of Groucho and 
               without hesitating, start to eat the food in front of them.  
               The guests are standing.  Trentino and Vera arrive at their 
               places and everyone sits down.

               Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a pretty picture 
               on it, pushes his plate away, breaks the service plate with 
               a knife... it breaks into little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle.  
               He mixes the pieces up, and then starts to put them together 
               again ... Groucho watches him... then helps him...

                              (Stopping Harpo as he 
                              tries to fit a piece)
                         No, no, this is the one...
                              (Picking up a piece 
                              and placing it...)

               A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of Groucho... 
               he is just about to dig into it with his knife and fork when 
               Harpo turns the table toward himself.  This brings Groucho's 
               food to Harpo, and Chico's empty plate to Groucho...

                         That was awfully good, I think I'll 
                         have a second helping...  waiter...

               Snapping his finger to waiter off scene.  The waiter 
               immediately appears placing a second dish in front of Groucho.  
               He starts to dig his knife and fork into it again when Chico 
               turns the table toward himself... This brings his food to 
               Chico... Harpo lifts his plate up and puts it down again 
               when the table stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing 
               in front of him...

                         If I don't stop eating I'll get 

                                     A WOMAN GUEST
                              (To the left of 
                              Chico... to Chico)
                         Would you mind passing the salt?

                              (Yelling to Harpo)
                         Hey, she wants some salt...

               Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right, places it in 
               front of himself and gives the table a quick turn toward the 
               woman next to Chico...

               Groucho is still without food.  He rises and looks about 
               table... Sees a dish of food in front of Trentino, who is 
               seated at opposite side of table...  Trentino is eating.

                              (Yelling to Trentino)
                         Ambassador, how's the food?

                                     AMBASSADOR TRENTINO
                              (Looking up and turning 
                              in direction of 
                         It's delicious, Your Excellency.

                         That's all I wanted to know.

               He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's plate 
               disappears as it spins around toward Groucho...

               Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate...  the table 
               goes on a few feet more and when it stops, Harpo puts down 
               his plate and starts to eat...  again Groucho has nothing... 
               Groucho picks up his napkin and wipes his mouth.

                         I couldn't eat another thing.
                              (He stands up)
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I want to 
                         introduce to you a man who is a prince 
                         of good fellows, generous to a fault, 
                         his own worst enemy and a devil in 
                         his own hometown...

               Applause... Groucho steps up on the table

                         Thanks, I didn't expect to be called 
                         upon... However, in conclusion I 
                         want to tell you that I promised 
                         Mrs. Teasdale I'd marry her if we 
                         won the war.... Well, we won the war 
                         and I'm stuck... to the victor belongs 
                         the spoils...

               The table starts to turn slowly...  Groucho starts to walk 
               in opposite direction... staying in same place.

                         In union there is strength...

               The table moves a little faster...  Groucho increases his 
               pace accordingly...  CUT TO Harpo and Chico now seated beside 
               each other turning the table...  CUT BACK to Groucho...

                         I feel that we are taking a step in 
                         the right direction, and that's what 
                         I call balling the Jack...

               Speed of table turning increases.  Groucho keeping pace 
               against it in tread-mill fashion...

                         Now is not the time for political 
                         temporizing, all interests must be 
                         sacrificed for the common weal...

               CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table... faster and faster...  
               We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now galloping to keep his spot 
               but he's not going any place

                         All those who want to place their 
                         money on the wheel, step inside, 
                         faint heart never won fair lady...  
                         Money won't grow in your pocket like 
                         the hair on your head and now is the 
                         time for all good men to come to the 
                         aid of their party.

               This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly, and 
               gesticulating, taking in Harpo and Chico turning the table...

                                   END OF SEQUENCE "K"

                                         THE END

Duck Soup

Writers :   Bert Kelmer  Harry Ruby  Grover Jones
Genres :   Comedy  Family  Musical

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