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                                       Episode 510

                                "THE FARNSWORTH PARABOX"


                                      Bill Odenkirk

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Beats A Hard Kick In The Face.]

               [Outside Planet Express. The top of the tower explodes in a huge 
               fireball and electricity zaps around the rest of the building.]
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender is sat at the table 
               snoring as the room shakes and bits of ceiling fall on him.]
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Leela sit on the couch. 
               Plaster is still falling from the ceiling and the building is 
               still shaking.]
                                     FRY (SHOUTING)
                         I know you've rejected me a lot before 
                         but frankly I wasn't sure we were right 
                         for each other either, but now I am! 
                         So how 'bout a date tonight?
                         (shouting): Sorry I think I, um, I think 
                         I left my toaster on.
                                     FRY (SHOUTING)
                         C'mon Leela, what's the real reason 
                         you won't go out with me?
                                     LEELA (SHOUTING)
                         Look, I'm embarrassed to admit this 
                         but you forced me to. I can't go out 
                         tonight because ......I have sweaty 
                         boot rash!
               [On the other side of the room Amy looks up from the table.]
                         No spluh! Why do you think I'm sitting 
                         over here in the stink-free zone?
               [Fry laughs.]

                         So, will you go out with me?

               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table. 
               Farnsworth is covered in dirty stains and tries to rub them off 
               with a cloth.]
                         Good news everyone, I'm still technically 
                         alive! Yes!  But I need to you to dispose 
                         of this crazy ass experiment that almost 
                         killed me.  You'll have to throw it 
                         into the sun itself, for only the thermonuclear 
                         inferno of the sun has enough energy 
                         to ensure its total destruction!
                         I can hit it with a shovel!

                         That's not good enough.

                         This one time I pounded a guy into the 
                         ground like a stake with a shovel!
                         Yes yes!

               [Zoidberg lifts the lid slightly.]

                         So what's in the box already?

                         No peeking!  I don't know what's in 
                         there but I'm sure our minds would be 
                         unable to comprehend -
               [Hermes lifts the lid and Farnsworth hits his hand with the hammer.]
                         Ow! You hurt my collater!

                         I don't care.  Listen well: No matter 
                         what happens, no matter how great your 
                         curiosity, you are forbidden to look 
                         in this box. Forbidden!  Pretty tantilising 
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The box is on a stool and 
               Bender, Zoidberg, Fry, Leela and Hermes stand around it.]
                         Whatever's in there it's the only thing 
                         I've ever wanted.
                         In my experience boxes are usually empty. 
                         Or maybe with a little cheese stuck 
                         to the top. And one time pepperoni! 
                          What a day that was!  (shouting) Give 
                         me the box!
               [Hermes fires a laser into the air.]

                         Scram you lousy green snakes!  Here 
                         Leela, take this and use it to shoot 
                         those guys.
               [He hands her the laser.]

                         Right! If they try to look in the box.

               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the table while Bender 
               paces around restlessly.]
                         Let's just forget about the box. The 
                         Professor said to stay away.
                         Fry, how can you be so naive? He was 
                         joking. Get it?

                         That's what makes it so funny!  OK he 
                         wasn't joking now shut up and follow 
               [Planet Express: Basement. Bender removes the hatch from a superheated 
               steam pipe and climbs in. Fry follows.]
                                     FRY [FROM VENT]
                         Ow it's hot! The butter in my pocket 
                         is melting!
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Above the room Bender 
               removes the grate.]
               [Cut to: Vent. Bender takes out his eyes and replaces them with 
               bendy periscope type eyes.]
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender's eye emerge 
               from the vent and he scans the room. Leela is asleep in the corner. 
               Bender chuckles. He extends his arms down the box, picks it up 
               and brings it back into the vent. Fry groans from the heat.]
               [Planet Express: Basement. Bender puts the box on a crate in 
               the middle of the room]
                         We thank you Bender for the gift we 
                         are about to receive!
               [He lifts the lid and he and Fry gasp. Fry pulls something out.]
                         Tangled up Christmas lights! We can 
                         take shifts untangling them!
                         Unlabled booze! Widemouth too!

               [He downs the bottle and Fry starts on the lights.]

               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

                         That oughta keep those dopes occupied. 
                          I can guard the real box in peace now 
                         that no one's curious about it.
               [She walks across the room and places the box back on the stool 
               and picks up a magazine called Nosy Enquirer. She hums as she 
               reads it. She looks up at the box but goes back to the magazine 
               and hums louder.]
               [Time Lapse. The next morning Leela is still in the lab guarding 
               the box. A clock rings 7am.]
                         Well, I got through the night and no 
                         one looked in the box. Not even me. 
                         The person who gave up her whole evening 
                         to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. 
                         What a mockery of justice it is that 
                         I can't take even a little tiny peek! 
                          I need coffee.  OK. Heads I look, tails 
                         I don't.  Oh yeah! Heads! I mean - alright 
                         then!  No. I have a duty not to look. 
                         But then again, I promised the coin 
                         I would.  Oh it's deep. Deeper than 
                         a small box should be.
               [She is sucked inside the box and screams.]

               [Cut to: Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everything goes all wobbly 
               and the box changes colour from yellow to light blue. Leela is 
               ejected from it. She lands face first onto the floor. She is 
               unaware that she has fallen into a parallel universe inside the 
                         Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this!
               [Enter Fry. But his hair is black and his jacket is green.]
                                     FRY 1
                         Leela, what have you done?

                         Nothing. What do you mean "why was I 
                         looking in the box?"
                                     FRY 1
                         I mean your hair. It's all different-y.
               [Enter Bender. But he is gold.]

                         Bender? Is that you?

                                     BENDER 1
                         You know it! Large and in charge!

               [Enter Farnsworth with a scar around his head.]

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you! 
                         Always dying her hair instead of not 
                         looking in a box.
                         I didn't dye my hair. This is how I 
                         always look.
                                     BENDER 1
                         No, that's how you always look.  This 
                         throws my entire perception of reality 
                         into question. Clone? Robot? Or long 
                         lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer 
                         video poker!
               [Time Lapse.]

                                     FRY 1
                         It's some guy wearing a Leela costume! 
                         Get him!
               [Leela whips out Hermes' laser and points it at them.]

                         Hold it! You have this all wrong. I 
                         just fell into the box and then I fell 
                         out somehow.
                                     FRY 1
                         You shut up sir.

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         No wait, I've got it! I know what's 
                         in the box. Oh I've been as dumb as 
                                     FRY 1
                         Am not!

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         It contains a parallel universe! And 
                         when you create a parallel universe 
                         it's almost always populated by evil 
                         No look, I am not evil. My loan officer 
                         said so.
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Oh you'd like us to believe that wouldn't 
                         you Leela? Or should I say Eveela?
                                     BENDER 1
                         Oh this is awful. Somewhere there's 
                         a Bender more evil than me. I do my 
                         best dammit!
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Leela?  The good Leela.  I want you 
                         to snoop around the other universe and 
                         find out how evil they are.  Here.
                         I tell you they're not evil. But don't 
                         be confused. They are jerks.
               [Leela 1 dives into the box.]

               [She punches him.]

               [Enter Leela 1 via the box. She points the laser back into it.]
                                     LEELA 1
                         Come out of your universe with your 
                         hands up!
               [Enter Fry, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth. They put up 
               their hands.]
                         Oh wow. It's like that drug trip I saw 
                         in that movie when I was on that drug 
                         Astonishing. I must have created a parallel 
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Baldercrap! I created your universe! 
                         All you created was my fist parallel 
                         to your face!
               [He weakly punches him.]


                         Look. It doesn't matter who created 
                         what. The important thing is - yah!
               [She kicks the laser out of Leela 1's hand. Leela 1 leans back 
               to Farnsworth 1.]
                                     LEELA 1 (WHISPERING)
                         We're exactly the same. I know all her 
                         moves. Therefore, I've got the upper 
               [Both Leelas fly at each other, collide and land in a heap on 
               the floor.]
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Now now, perfectly symmetrical violence 
                         never solved anything.
               [Universe 1: Meeting Room. Both crews sit around the table.]
                         Let's recap what's happened so far. 
                          As you can see I accidentally created 
                         a box containing your universe.
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         While I, in a simultaineous blunder 
                         created a box containing your universe.
                         This is getting confusing. Why don't 
                         we call our universe "Universe A" and 
                         this universe "Universe B"?
                                     BENDER 1
                         Hey, why can't we be universe A?

                                     FRY 1

                                     AMY 1

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         We want the best letter!

                         We called it first. Besides, this place 
                         kinda feels like a "B" y'know?
                                     LEELA 1
                         Alright, you can be crummy universe 
                         A. And we'll be universe 1!
                                     FRY 1
                         Or "The Mongooses," that's a cool team 
                         name. The Fighting Mongooses!
                         Wait a minute. If our universes are 
                         identical then why did our Leela look 
                         into the box and your Leela didn't?
                                     LEELA 1
                         Well to be honest I tossed a coin. It 
                         came up tails so I didn't look.
                         That's weird. Mine came up heads so 
                         I did.
                         Interesting. Apparently the key difference 
                         between our universes is that coin flips 
                         have opposite outcomes.
                         That explains fruity here!  I tossed 
                         a coin to pick my finish. Foghat grey!
                                     BENDER 1
                         Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!

                         Your people and your slight differences 
                         disgust me. I'm going home. Where's 
                         that blue box with our universe in it?
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Oh you'd like to get back to your evil 
                         universe wouldn't you? And destroy your 
                         box with our universe inside it.
                         Nonsense! I would never do such a thing 
                         unless you would already have been going 
                         to do that!
                                     FARNSWORTH 1

                         You heard me!

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         In any case, I've hidden the box and 
                         it will remain hidden unitil I'm convinced 
                         you're not evil!  Everyone, keep an 
                         eye on your evil counterpart.
               [Farnsworth turns to the A crew.]

                         And you all do the same!

                                     LEELA 1
                         Um, can Fry and I watch our parallel 
                         selves together? We have plans tonight.
                         You guys are dating?

                                     FRY 1
                         Oh no no no. We're married.

               [Leela 1 puts her arms around him. They kiss. Fry and Leela's 
               jaws drop.]
               [Universe 1 Street. Bender A and Bender 1 walk down the street 
               while all the time watching each other.]
                         I've got my eye on you boy!

                                     BENDER 1
                         Don't even think about it lunch-pail! 
                         You'd be dead before you hit the ground!
                         Good point. Whatyya say we just hit 
                         a strip joint?
                                     BENDER 1
                         I was waitin' for one of us to say that! 
                          Bender A, you're a prince among robots! 
                         Can you forgive me for distrusting you?
               [They hug.]

                         Aw, I can't stay mad at what is essentially 
                         me. I love me!
               [They take each others wallets and chuckle.]

               [Universe 1: Lounge. The two Amy's paint their toenails.]

                                     AMY 1
                         This is so great! I always wanted an 
                         imaginary friend!
                         I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel! We're 
                         exactly the same, right down to the 
                         -  Splech! Is that pink nail polish?
               [Amy 1 points at Amy's yellow toenails.]

                                     AMY 1
                         Is that not pink nail polish? The Professor's 
                         right, you are evil! And shallow!
                         I am not evil!

               [Universe 1 Elzar's. The Frys and Leelas sit at a table.]

                         So Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?
                                     FRY 1
                         Funny story. I asked Leela out a million 
                         times and she just kept rejecting me.
                                     LEELA 1
                         I'd make up things like "I have sweaty 
                         boot-rash" or "I have to meet the President"!
               [She laughs. Fry glares at Leela.]

                                     FRY 1
                         Oh man, you never heard such excuses! 
                         But, like a dope, I believed her. Looking 
                         back on it now it's kinda funny!
                                     FRY (SARCASTIC)
                         It sure is, right Leela? Funny. Ha ha 
                         ha ha!
                                     LEELA 1
                         Then one night when Fry asked me out 
                         the only excuse I could think of involved 
                         ghosts. I knew he wouldn't buy it so 
                         I did what I always do in those situations.
                         Oh Lord!

                                     LEELA 1
                         I flipped a coin. It came up heads and 
                         we went out.
               [Fry turns to Leela.]

                         You mean you flipped the coin too? And 
                         it was tails? So that's why you said 
                         you had to meet that ghost.
                                     LEELA 1
                         You really missed out on something Leela. 
                         That date was magical.
                                     FRY 1
                         One year later I gave Leela a diamond 
                         scrunchy, and we were married.
               [Leela 1 turns around and shows Leela the scrunchy.]


                         One year later I got beat up at a Neil 
                         Diamond concert by a guy named Scrunchy!
               [Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab. The two Farnsworth's fiddle around 
               with the chandelier controls and the lights brighten and dim.]
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Well that was pointless.

                         Say, I hope you won't think it "evil" 
                         of me to ask how you got that stylish 
                         head wound!
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Oh this old thing? I was experimenting 
                         to see if I could remove my own brain!
                         Of course! I had the same idea! I flipped 
                         a coin to decide if I should proceed 
                         but it came up tails - so I didn't. 
                         How'd it go?
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Well getting the brain out was the easy 
                         part. The hard part was getting the 
                         brain out!
               [He laughs insanely. Farnsworth chuckles.]

                         Oh you!

               [Universe 1 Alley. The two Zoidbergs sit in a dumpster.]

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         So, tell me about yourself!

                         Well don't look into it but I'm a respected 
                         internal medicine doctor! Ooo a can!
               [He picks up the can and slurps the contents of it.]

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         As for me I design mansions, then live 
                         in them.  (crying) I'm lying! I'm an 
                         appalling failure!
               [Zoidberg cries too.]

                                     ZOIDBERG (CRYING)
                         Me too! A big fat one.

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         And those co-workers. Always looking 
                         down on us Zoidbergs. What are they? 
                         From Nob Hill?
                         They're all like "Stop spraying me with 
                         ink Zoidberg!" "Put on pants Zoidberg!" 
                         "Don't touch our fancy box Zoidberg!"
                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         Oh that box! Too good for us is it?
                         Bah! Someday they'll watch! From down 
                         in the gutter they will, as King Zoidberg 
                         caresses their fancy box.
                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         You know, maybe a certain blue lobster 
                         saw where Professor hid the box!
               [Zoidberg laughs evily and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]

               [Universe 1 Meeting Room.]

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Good news everyones!

                         After carefully reading the scriptures, 
                         we've concluded that none of us are 
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Yes, the Bible is the real good news! 
                         Anyhow, you're all free to go back to 
                         your own universe.
               [Enter Hermes 1.]

                                     HERMES 1
                         What's goin' on here? Why aren't you 
                         all out destroying the Professor's box?
                                     LEELA 1
                         Hermes, aren't you confused about the 
                         fact thats there's two of everybody?
                                     HERMES 1
                         No. Now like my granny used to say back 
                         in her tall paper shack on Montego Bay 
                         "If you want a box hurled into the sun, 
                         you got to do it yourself!"
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Your granny can go to hell! I've hidden 
                         the box so that no one can destroy the 
                         home universe of my handsome friend 
                         Oh go on! Wait a second. If your Hermes 
                         was about to destroy the box containing 
                         our universe...
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Then your Hermes...

                         Oh my!

               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors open and Hermes 
               walks up the steps into the ship.]
                         Like granny said "If you want a box 
                         hurled into the sun, you got to do it 
                         yourself!" God rest her zombie bones.
               [Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab.]

                         So we go through the box and stop Hermes?
                         Right. Good thing Professor B there 
                         hid it in the sealed clam tank. No one 
                         but a crazy lobster would look there!
               [In the tank Farnsworth 1 opens a giant shell. There is nothing 
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         It's gone!

               [Cut to: Universe 1 Alley. Zoidberg 1 is sat on a bin holding 
               the box and wearing a Slurm cup on his head. Zoidberg A bows 
               to him.]
                         All hail Zoidberg! The king with the 
                         box!  Now it's my turn maybe?
                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         The box says no.

               [Ship's Cockpit.]

               [Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab.]

                                     HERMES 1 (CRYING)
                         If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the 
                         sun by now.
                                     BENDER 1
                         Our universe is doomed!

                                     BENDER AND BENDER 1

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Now don't give up yet you cry babies. 
                         The box is gone but we still have one 
                         preposterously slim hope.
                         Is it a kind of hairspray?

                         No. We must attempt to create another 
                         box containing our universe! Doy!
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth pulls the switch on the multi-purpose 
               nose making machine and the lights dim. Several boxes come out 
               of it on a conveyor belt. The two Farnsworths scream madly while 
               everyone else remains calm.]
               [Time Lapse. Several boxes are on the floor. Fry picks one up 
               and pokes his head inside it.]
                                     FRY 1
                         Well? Is that your universe in there?
                                     FRY [FROM BOX]
                         Nope. Too cold.

               [He pulls his head out. It is frozen in a block of ice. Farnsworth 
               puts his head in one.]
               [Leela runs by with her head in a box and tentacles emerging 
               from it.]
                                     HERMES 1
                         Oh man it's hopeless! We'll never find 
                         your universe in time! Plus, this box 
                         is stuck on my fat head.
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Yes it's the apocalypse alright. I always 
                         thought I'd have a hand in it!
                                     BENDER 1
                         I'm not sad. Because I finally found 
                         someone as great as me! It's like I 
                         always say: "Make new friends and keep 
                         the old. One is silver..."
                         "...and the other's gold!"

               [They hug and cry. Enter Zoidbergs with the right box.]

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         Why with the long faces?

               [Leela 1 gasps.]

                                     LEELA 1
                         The idiots have the box!

                         I think she means you.

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         Grab them!

               [They surround the two Zoidbergs and back them against the shelves 
               containing the other universes. The shelves wobble and Universe 
               #25 falls off and lands on Zoidberg, taking him and Universe 
               A with it.]
               [He picks up the box and drops it over his head. He runs around 
               with his legs sticking out and woops. He runs into the shelves 
               and all the other boxes fall off.]
                         Splug! Which one did they go into?
                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         We'll have to search a universe. Everyone, 
                         grab a length of wire first so you can 
                         find your way back.
               [They each grab a wire anchored to his lab table and jump into 
               a parabox.]
               [Universe 25. The Zoidbergs come in via a box and leave via another 
               box. Amy 1 follows and looks around.]
                                     AMY 1
                         Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?
                                     HERMES 25
                         We didn't see anything.......ever!
               [Universe 1729. Enter Fry.]

                         Yo, did two shellfish in scrubs go by?
               [The people in this universe have giant wobbly heads.]

                                     FRY 1729
                         Hell no.

                                     LEELA 1729
                         Shut up!

                                     BENDER 1729
                         Beat it jerk!

               [Universe 31. Enter Leela. This universe is populated by blocky 
               robot versions of the crew.]
                         Uh, have you robot versions of yourselves 
                         seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?
                         Uh, access denied.

               [Fry 31's head explodes.]

               [Universe XVII. The Professor's lab resembles an ancient Greek 
               study and Farnsworth XVII is hard at work writing something on 
               a blackboard. Enter the Bender's behind him.]
                                     BENDER 1
                         Hey man look what I snagged from the 
                         leprachaun universe!
               [He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]
                         Yeah leprachaun universe is fine...if 
                         you haven't seen pirate universe!
               [He pulls out a treasure chest. Bender 1 gasps.]

                                     BENDER 1
                         Faith and begota!

               [They leave. Farnsworth XVII turns around from the blackoard.]
                                     FARNSWORTH XVII

               [Universe 420. Enter the Zoidbergs.]

                         Quick, into another box!

                                     ZOIDBERG 1
                         There aren't any in this universe there 
                         aren't. Hey you, what with the no boxes?
               [This universe is populated by hippies.]

                                     FARNSWORTH 420
                         Baby they're somewhere, everything's 
                         like somewhere! Place is kinda au natural 
                         right now.
               [Enter Farnsworth A and Farnsworth 1.]

                                     FARNSWORTH 1
                         There they are!

               [The Zoidbergs scream. Farnsworth takes the parabox to Universe 
               A away from them.]

                                     FARNSWORTH 420
                         Dig it! All of you living in this boxed 
                         is like seriously freaked up!
                         Nonsense, why there's a whole universe 
                         in there.
                                     FARNSWORTH 420
                         Dude, there's a universe in all of us.
               [Amy 420 puts her arms around him.]

                                     AMY 420
                         Right on Professor Freaksworth!

               [Farnsworth 420 offers Farnsworth a flower.]

                         Get a job! (shouting into the parabox) 
                         We've got the box. Everyone pull your 
               [They pull them and they are reeled in.]

               [Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone flies in and hits their 
               heads on the lab table.]
                         Hurry! Back to Universe A!

               [The A's and 1's jump into the box.]

               [Ships Ejection Port. The ship has arrived at the sun and Hermes 
               prepares to eject the box. He pushes it through the slot into 
               the airlock and his finger hovers over the eject button. The 
               A's and 1's jump out of the box. They are trapped in the airlock. 
               Farnsworth pounds on the glass.]
                         Hermes don't press that button!

               [Hermes thinks about it for a while.]


               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew all say goodbye to their 
               parallel selves.]
                         So long your majesty!

               [Zoidberg 1 climbs into the box. Fry 1 and Leela 1 kiss and climb 
                         There but for the flip of a coin go 
                         we. So uh Leela, seeing how the universe 
                         wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an 
                         ape fight? Y'know? Together?
                         Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.
               [She flips the coin.]

                         So? Heads or tails?

               [Leela looks at the coin.]

                         Y'know, lets just say it's heads.

               [Fry smiles. Farnsworth reaches into the parabox and Farnsworth 
               1's hand comes out.]

               [The paraboxes fold into each other. Farnsworth now holds the 
               blue box.]
                         There. That space-time inversion has 
                         given us their box and vice-versa!
                         So what you think you just explain to 
                         us is that -
                         Correct! This box contains our own universe!
               [Everyone gasps.]

                         Sweet honey bee of infinity!

               [Bender takes the box from Farnsworth and shakes it. The building 
                         Bender, quit destroying the universe!
               [She snatches the box away and the room shakes again.]


                         Yes, all that is and ever shall be is 
                         in that box! And the box itself is probably 
                         worth something too. We must cherish 
                         it, as we cherish every moment of our 
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Leela are sat on 
               the couch. Bender changes the channel. Enter Fry with a beer. 
               He sees there is no space left on the couch so he sits on the 
               parabox. The universe goes all squishy.]
               THE END


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