Ten Things I Hate About You - by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU
written by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith
based on 'Taming of the Shrew" by William Shakespeare
Revision November 12, 1997
PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Welcome to Padua High School,, your typical urban-suburban
high school in Portland, Oregon. Smarties, Skids, Preppies,
Granolas. Loners, Lovers, the In and the Out Crowd rub sleep
out of their eyes and head for the main building.
PADUA HIGH PARKING LOT - DAY
KAT STRATFORD, eighteen, pretty -- but trying hard not to be
-- in a baggy granny dress and glasses, balances a cup of
coffee and a backpack as she climbs out of her battered,
baby blue '75 Dodge Dart.
A stray SKATEBOARD clips her, causing her to stumble and
spill her coffee, as well as the contents of her backpack.
The young RIDER dashes over to help, trembling when he sees
who his board has hit.
RIDER
Hey -- sorry.
Cowering in fear, he attempts to scoop up her scattered
belongings.
KAT
Leave it
He persists.
KAT (continuing)
I said, leave it!
She grabs his skateboard and uses it to SHOVE him against a
car, skateboard tip to his throat. He whimpers pitifully
and she lets him go. A path clears for her as she marches
through a pack of fearful students and SLAMS open the door,
entering school.
INT. GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
BIANCA STRATFORD, a beautiful sophomore, stands facing the
mirror, applying lipstick. Her less extraordinary, but
still cute friend, CHASTITY stands next to her.
BIANCA
Did you change your hair?
CHASTITY
No.
BIANCA
You might wanna think about it
Leave the girls' room and enter the hallway.
HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS
Bianca is immediately greeted by an admiring crowd, both
boys
and girls alike.
BOY
(adoring)
Hey, Bianca.
GIRL
Awesome shoes.
The greetings continue as Chastity remains wordless and
unaddressed by her side. Bianca smiles proudly,
acknowledging her fans.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
CAMERON JAMES, a clean-cut, easy-going senior with an open,
farm-boy face, sits facing Miss Perky, an impossibly cheery
guidance counselor.
MISS PERKY
I'm sure you won't find Padua any
different than your old school. Same
little asswipe mother-fuckers
everywhere.
Her plastic smile never leaves her face. Cameron fidgets in
his chair uncomfortably.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
Any questions?
CAMERON
I don't think so, ma'am
MISS PERKY
Then go forth. Scoot I've got
deviants to see.
Cameron rises to leave and makes eye contact with PATRICK
VERONA, a sullen-looking bad ass senior who waits outside Ms
Perky's door. His slouch and smirk let us know how cool he
is.
Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Patrick
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
Patrick Verona. I see we're making our
visits a weekly ritual.
She gives him a withering glance. He answers with a charming
smile.
PATRICK
I missed you.
MISS PERKY
It says here you exposed yourself to a
group of freshmen girls.
PATRICK
It was a bratwurst. I was eating
lunch.
MISS PERKY
With the teeth of your zipper?
She motions for Patrick to enter her office and Cameron
shuffles out the door, bumping into MICHAEL ECKMAN, a lanky,
brainy senior who will either end up a politician or game
show host.
MICHAEL
You the new guy?
CAMERON
So they tell me...
MICHAEL
C'mon. I'm supposed to give you the
tour.
They head out of the office
MICHAEL
(continuing)
So -- which Dakota you from?
CAMERON
North, actually. How'd you ?
MICHAEL
I was kidding. People actually live
there?
CAMERON
Yeah. A couple. We're outnumbered by
the cows, though.
MICHAEL
How many people were in your old
school?
CAMERON
Thirty-two.
MICHAEL
Get out!
CAMERON
How many people go here?
MICHAEL
Couple thousand. Most of them evil
INT. HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS
Prom posters adorn the wall. Michael steers Cameron through
the crowd as he points to various cliques.
MICHAEL
We've got your basic beautiful people.
Unless they talk to you first, don't
bother.
The beautiful people pass, in full jock/cheerleader
splendor.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
Those 're your cowboys.
Several Stetson-wearing, big belt buckle. Wrangler guys
walk by.
CAMERON
That I'm used to.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but these guys have never seen a
horse. They just jack off to Clint
Eastwood.
They pass an espresso cart with a group of teens huddled
around it.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
To the right, we have the Coffee Kids.
Very edgy. Don't make any sudden
movements around them.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Michael continues the tour
MICHAEL
And these delusionals are the White
Rastae.
Several white boys in dreadlocks and Jamaican knit berets
lounge on the grass. A cloud of pot smoke hovers above them
MICHAEL
(continuing)
Big Marley fans. Think they're black.
Semi-political, but mostly, they watch a
lot of Wild Kingdom, if you know what I
mean.
Michael waves to DEREK, the one with the longest dreads.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
Derek - save some for after lunch, bub?
DEREK
(very stoned)
Michael, my brother, peace
Cameron turns to follow Michael as they walk into the
cafeteria.
CAMERON
So where do you fit in all this?
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Loud music and loud students. Michael sits with a group of
studious-looking teens.
MICHAEL
Future MBAs- We're all Ivy League,
already accepted. Someday I'll be
sipping Merlot while those guys --
He points to the table of jocks, as they torture various
passers-by.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
are fixing my Saab. Yuppie greed is
back, my friend.
He points proudly to the ALLIGATOR on his shirt.
Cameron stops listening as BIANCA walks by, and we go SLO
MO. Pure and perfect, she passes Cameron and Michael
without a look.
Cameron is smitten
CAMERON
That girl -- I --
MICHAEL
You burn, you pine, you perish?
CAMERON
Who is she?
MICHAEL
Bianca Stratford. Sophomore. Don't
even think about it
CAMERON
Why not?
MICHAEL
I could start with your haircut, but it
doesn't matter. She's not allowed to
date until her older sister does. And
that's an impossibility.
ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
A room full of bored seniors doodle and scare off into space
MS. BLAISE, the one-step-away-from-medication English
Teacher, tries to remember what she's talking about.
MRS. BLAISE
Well, then. Oh, yes. I guess that
does it for our analysis of The Old Man
and the Sea. Any other comments?
(with dread)
Kat?
Kat, the girl we saw as we entered the school, slowly cakes
off her glasses and speaks up.
KAT
Why didn't we just read the Hardy Boys?
MRS. BLAISE
I'm sorry?
KAT
This book is about a guy and his
fishing habit. Not exactly a crucial
topic.
The other students roll their eyes.
KAT
(continuing)
Frankly, I'm baffled as to why we still
revere Hemingway. He was an abusive,
alcoholic misogynist who had a lot of
cats.
JOEY DORSEY, a well-muscled jock with great cheekbones,
makes fun of her from his row.
JOEY
As opposed to a bitter self-righteous
hag who has no friends?
A few giggles. Kat ignores him. A practiced gesture
MRS. BLAISE
That's enough, Mr. Dorsey.
Really gets fired up now
KAT
I guess the school board thinks because
Hemingway's male and an asshole, he's
worthy of our time
She looks up at Ms. Blaise, who is now fighting with her
pill box.
KAT
(continuing)
What about Colette? Charlotte Bronte?
Simone de Beauvoir?
Patrick, lounging in his seat in the back row, elbows a
crusty-looking crony, identified by the name SCURVY,
embroidered on his workshirt.
PATRICK
Mother Goose?
The class titters. Kat wears an expression of intolerance
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Kat now sits before Miss Perky.
MISS PERKY
Katarina Stratford. My, my. You've
been terrorizing Ms. Blaise again.
KAT
Expressing my opinion is not a
terrorist action.
MISS PERKY
Well, yes, compared to your other
choices of expression this year, today's
events are quite mild. By the way,
Bobby Rictor's gonad retrieval operation
went quite well, in case you're
interested.
KAT
I still maintain that he kicked himself
in the balls. I was merely a spectator.
MISS PERKY
The point is Kat -- people perceive you
as somewhat ...
Kat smiles at her, daring her to say it.
KAT
Tempestuous?
MISS PERKY
No ... I believe "heinous bitch" is the
term used most often.
She grimaces, as if she's referring to a medical condition.
MISS PERKY
(continuing)
You might want to work on that
Kat rises from her chair with a plastic smile matching the
counselor's.
KAT
As always, thank you for your excellent
guidance.
INT. SOPHOMORE ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Bianca ignores the droning teacher as she writes a note in
big flowing handwriting.
TEACHER (0.S.)
I realize the language of Mr.
Shakespeare makes him a bit daunting,
but I'm sure you're all doing your best.
Bianca folds the note and passes it behind her with a flip
of her hair to CHASTITY. Chastity opens the note and reads:
INSERT - "JOEY DORSEY SAID HI TO ME IN THE HALL! OH! MY
GOD!"
Chastity frowns to herself.
TEACHER (0.S.)
(continuing)
Ms. Stratford, do you care to comment
on what you've read so far?
Bianca looks up and smiles the smile of Daddy's little girl.
BIANCA
Not really.
The teacher shakes her head, but lets it go.
MANDELLA. a waif-like senior girl who sits off to the side
trying to slit her wrist with the plastic spiral on her
notebook, looks up and raises her hand.
TEACHER
Mandella -- since you're assisting us,
you might as well comment. I'm assuming
you read the assignment.
MANDELLA
Uh, yeah, I read it all
TEACHER
The whole play^
MANDELIA
The whole folio. All the plays.
TEACHER
(disbelieving)
You've read every play by William
Shakespeare?
MANDELLA
Haven't you?
She raises a challenging eyebrow. The stunned teacher
doesn't answer and goes to call on the next student.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Mandella and Kat sit down in the quiet corner. They are
eating a carton of yogurt with gusto.
MANDELLA
Your sister is so amazingly without. She'll never read him.
She has no idea.
Kat attacks
KAT
The fact that you're cutting gym so you
can T.A. Sophomore English just to hear
his name, is a little without in itself
if you ask me.
Kat's attention is caught by Patrick as he walks by with his
friends, lighting up a cigarette. Mandella notices her
staring.
MANDELLA
Who's that?
KAT
Patrick Verona Random skid.
MANDELLA
That's Pat Verona? The one who was gone
for a year? I heard he was doing porn
movies.
KAT
I'm sure he's completely incapable of
doing anything that interesting.
MANDELLA
He always look so
KAT
Block E?
Kat turns back to face Mandella and forces her yogurt into
Mandella's hand.
KAT
(continuing)
Mandella, eat. Starving yourself is a
very slow way to die.
MANDELLA
Just a little.
She eats. Kat sees her wrist
KAT
What's this?
MANDELLA
An attempted slit.
Kat stares at her, expressionless.
KAT
I realize that the men of this fine
institution are severely lacking, but
killing yourself so you can be with
William Shakespeare is beyond the scope
of normal teenage obsessions. You're
venturing far past daytime talk show
fodder and entering the world of those
who need very expensive therapy.
MANDELLA
But imagine the things he'd say during
sex.
Thinks a minute
KAT
Okay, say you do it. You kill
yourself, you end up in wherever you end
up and he's there. Do you really think
he's gonna wanna dace a ninety pound
compulsive who failed volleyball?
Mandella's attention is struck by Bianca
ACROSS THE COURTYARD
As she and Chastity parade by Joey and his COHORTS One of
the cohorts elbows Joey.
COHORT
Virgin alert.
Joey looks up and smiles at Bianca.
JOEY
Lookin' good, ladies.
Bianca smiles her coyest of smiles.
BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA Still watching.
MANDELLA
Tragic.
Doesn't respond
ANOTHER ANGLE
Michael and Cameron observe Joey's leers at Bianca from
their bench in another corner. Cowboys eating cue of a can
of beans linger on the grass behind them.
CAMERON
Why do girls like that always like guys
like that?
MICHAEL
Because they're bred to. Their mothers
liked guys like that, and their
grandmothers before them. Their gene
pool is rarely diluted.
CAMERON
He always have that shit-eating grin?
MICHAEL
Joey Dorsey? Perma-shit-grin. I wish
I could say he's a moron, but he's
number twelve in the class. And a
model. Mostly regional stuff, but he's
rumored to have a big tube sock ad
coming out.
The BELL rings, and the cowboys stand and spit into their
empty bean cans. Cameron and Michael rise as Cameron tries
to catch a glimpse of Bianca as she walks back inside.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
You know French?
CAMERON
Sure do ... my Mom's from Canada
MICHAEL
Guess who just signed up for a tutor?
CAMERON
You mean I'd get a chance to talk to
her?
MICHAEL
You could consecrate with her, my
friend.
Cameron watches as Bianca flounces back into the building.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Kat and Mandella walk toward Kat's car. Joey pulls up
beside her in his Viper.
JOEY
(re her dress)
The vintage look is over, Kat. Haven't
you been reading your Sassy?
KAT
Yeah, and I noticed the only part of
you featured in your big Kmart spread
was your elbow. Tough break.
JOEY
(practically
spitting)
They're running the rest of me next
month.
He zooms away as Kat yanks open the door of her Dart.
Mandella ties a silk scarf around her head, as if they're in
a convertible.
KAT
The people at this school are so
incredibly foul.
MANDELLA
You could always go with me. I'm sure
William has some friends.
They watch Joey's car as he slows next to Bianca and
Chastity as they walk toward the school bus.
ON BIANCA AND CHASTITY
JOEY
Need a ride, ladies?
Bianca and Chastity can't get in Joey's car fast enough. He
pulls away with a smile.
BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA
Mandella lowers her sunglasses to watch.
MANDELLA
That's a charming new development
Kat doesn't answer, but reaches over and puts a tape in the
tape deck. The sounds of JOYFUL PUNK ROCK fill the car.
As they pull out, Michael crosses in front of them on his
moped. Kat has to SLAM the brakes to keep from hitting him
KAT
(yelling)
Remove head from sphincter! Then
pedal!
Michael begins fearfully, pedaling as Kat PEELS out, angry
at the delay.
Cameron rushes over
CAMERON
You all right?
He slows to a stop
MICHAEL
Yeah, just a minor encounter with the
shrew.
CAMERON
That's her? Bianca's sister?
MICHAEL
The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
Michael putters off, leaving Cameron dodging Patrick's
grimy, grey Jeep -- a vehicle several years and many paint
jobs away from its former glory as a REGULATION MAIL TRUCK -
- as he sideswipes several cars on his way out of the lot.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
SHARON STRATFORD, attractive and focused, sits in front of
her computer, typing quickly. A shelf next to her holds
several bodice-ripper romance novels, bearing her name.
Kat stands behind her, reading over her shoulder as she
types.
KAT
"Undulating with desire, Adrienne
removes her crimson cape, revealing her
creamy --"
WALTER STRATFORD, a blustery, mad scientist-type
obstetrician, enters through the front door, wearing a
doctor's white jacket and carrying his black bag.
WALTER
I hope dinner's ready because I only have ten minutes before
Mrs. Johnson squirts out a screamer.
He grabs the mail and rifles through it, as he bends down to
kiss Sharon on the cheek.
SHARON
In the microwave.
WALTER
(to Kat)
Make anyone cry today?
KAT
Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.
Bianca walks in.
KAT
(continuing)
Where've you been?
BIANCA
(eyeing Walter)
Nowhere... Hi, Daddy.
She kisses him on the cheek
WALTER
Hello, precious.
Walter kisses Bianca back as Kat heads up the stairs
KAT
How touching.
Walter holds up a letter to Kat
WALTER
What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?
Snatches it away from him.
KAT
I guess I got in
Sharon looks up from her computer.
SHARON
What's a synonym for throbbing?
WALTER
Sarah Lawrence is on the other side of
the country.
KAT
I know.
WALTER
I thought we decided you were going to
school here. At U of 0.
KAT
You decided.
BIANCA
Is there even a question that we want
her to stay?
Kat gives Bianca an evil look then smiles sweetly at
KAT
Ask Bianca who drove her home
SHARON
Swollen...turgid.
WALTER
(to Bianca; upset)
Who drove you home?
Bianca glares at Kat then turns to Walter
BIANCA
Now don't get upset. Daddy, but there's
this boy... and I think he might ask...
WALTER
No! You're not dating until your sister
starts dating. End of discussion.
BIANCA
What if she never starts dating?
WALTER
Then neither will you. And I'll get to
sleep at night.
BIANCA
But it's not fair -- she's a mutant,
Daddy!
KAT
This from someone whose diary is
devoted to favorite grooming tips?
WALTER
Enough!
He pulls out a small tape recorder from his black bag.
WALTER
(continuing)
Do you know what this is?
He hits the "play' button and SHRIEKS OF PAIN emanate from
the tape recorder.
BIANCA AND WALTER
(in unison, by
rote)
The sound of a fifteen-year-old in
labor.
WALTER
This is why you're not dating until
your sister does.
BIANCA
But she doesn't want to date.
WALTER
Exactly my point
His BEEPER goes off and he grabs his bag again
WALTER
(continuing)
Jesus! Can a man even grab a sandwich
before you women start dilating?
SHARON
Tumescent!
WALTER
(to Sharon; as he
leaves)
You're not helping.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron sits with an empty chair beside him. Bianca arrives
in a flurry of blonde hair.
BIANCA
Can we make this quick? Roxanne
Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an
incredibly horrendous public break- up
on the quad. Again.
CAMERON
Well, I thought we'd start with
pronunciation, if that's okay with you.
BIANCA
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.
CAMERON
(looking down)
Okay... then how 'bout we try out some
French cuisine. Saturday? Night?
Bianca smiles slowly
BIANCA
You're asking me out. That's so cute.
What's your name again?
CAMERON
(embarrassed)
Forget it.
Bianca seizes an opportunity.
BIANCA
No, no, it's my fault -- we didn't have
a proper introduction ---
CAMERON
Cameron.
BIANCA
The thing is, Cameron -- I'm at the
mercy of a particularly hideous breed of
loser. My sister. I can't date until
she does.
CAMERON
Seems like she could get a date easy
enough...
She fingers a lock of her hair. He looks on, dazzled.
BIANCA
The problem is, she's completely anti-social.
CAMERON
Why?
BIANCA
Unsolved mystery. She used to be
really popular when she started high
school, then it was just like she got
sick of it or something.
CAMERON
That's a shame.
She reaches out and touches his arm
BIANCA
Gosh, if only we could find Kat a
boyfriend...
CAMERON
Let me see what I can do.
Cameron smiles, having no idea how stupid he is
INT. BIOLOGY CLASS
A frog is being torn asunder by several prongs and picks.
Michael and Cameron go for the spleen.
MICHAEL
You're in school for one day and you
ask out the most beautiful girl? Do you
have no concept of the high school
social code?
Cameron grins away
CAMERON
I teach her French, get to know her,
dazzle her with charm and she falls in
love with me.
MICHAEL
Unlikely, but even so, she still can't
go out with you. So what's the
point?
Cameron motions with his head toward Patrick, a few lab
tables away. He's wearing biker glasses instead of goggles
as he tries to revive his frog.
CAMERON
What about him?
MICHAEL
(confused)
You wanna go out with him?
The others at the lab table raise their eyebrows
CAMERON
(impatient)
No - he could wrangle with the sister.
Michael smiles. Liking the intrigue.
MICHAEL
What makes you think he'll do it?
CAMERON
He seems like he thrives on danger
MICHAEL
No kidding. He's a criminal. I heard
he lit a state trooper on fire. He just
got out of Alcatraz...
CAMERON
They always let felons sit in on Honors
Biology?
MICHAEL
I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He
sold his own liver on the black market
so he could buy new speakers.
CAMERON
Forget his reputation. Do you think
we've got a plan or not?
MICHAEL
Did she actually say she'd go out with
you?
CAMERON
That's what I just said
Michael processes this.
MICHAEL
You know, if you do go out with Bianca,
you'd be set. You'd outrank everyone.
Strictly A-list. With me by your side.
CAMERON
I thought you hated those people.
MICHAEL
Hey -- I've gotta have a few clients
when I get to Wall Street.
A cowboy flicks the frog's heart into one of the Coffee
Kid's latte. Cameron presses on, over the melee.
CAMERON
So now all we gotta do is talk to him.
He points to Patrick, who now makes his frog hump another
frog, with full-on sound effects.
MICHAEL
I'll let you handle that.
INT. WOODSHOP - DAY
Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood
Michael sits next to PEPE, a Coffee Kid, who holds out his
jacket like the men who sell watches in the subway. Inside
several bags of coffee hang from hooks.
PEPE
Some people like the Colombian, but it
all depends on your acidity preference.
Me? I prefer East African and
Indonesian. You start the day with a
Sumatra Boengie or maybe and Ethiopian
Sidamo in your cup, you're that much
farther ahead than someone drinkin'
Cosia Rican or Kona -- you know what I
mean?
Michael nods solemnly.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Patrick sits at a table with Scurvy, making something that
looks like a machete out of a two-by-four.
Cameron approaches, full of good-natured farm boy cheer
CAMERON
Hey, there
In response, Patrick brandishes a loud POWER TOOL in his
direction.
Cameron slinks away.
CAMERON
(continuing)
Later, then.
Michael watches, shaking his head.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Joey and his pals take turns drawing boobs onto a cafeteria
tray with a magic marker.
Michael walks up and sits between them, casual as can be
MICHAEL
Hey.
JOEY
Are you lost?
MICHAEL
Nope - just came by to chat
JOEY
We don't chat.
MICHAEL
Well, actually, I thought I'd run an
idea by you. You know, just to see if
you're interested.
JOEY
We're not.
He grabs Michael by the side of the head, and proceeds to
draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Michael
suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.
MICHAEL
(grimacing)
Hear me out. You want Bianca don't
you?
Joey sits back and cackles at his drawing.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
But she can't go out with you because
her sister is this insane head case and
no one will go out with her. right?
JOEY
Does this conversation have a purpose?
MICHAEL
So what you need to do is recruit a guy
who'll go out with her. Someone who's
up for the job.
Michael points to Patrick, who makes a disgusted face at his
turkey pot pie before he rises and throws it at the garbage
can, rather than in it.
JOEY
That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once. Everything but
the beak and the feet.
MICHAEL
Exactly
Joey turns to look at Michael.
JOEY
What's in it for you?
MICHAEL
Oh, hey, nothin' man Purely good will
on my part.
He rises to leave and turns to the others.
MICHAEL
(continuing)
I have a dick on my face, don't I?
INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY
Michael stands at the sink, trying to scrub Joey's artwork
off his face as Cameron watches.
CAMERON
You got him involved?
MICHAEL
Like we had a choice? Besides -- when
you let the enemy think he's
orchestrating the battle, you're in a
position of power. We let him pretend
he's calling the shots, and while he's
busy setting up the plan, you have time
to woo Bianca.
Cameron grins and puts an arm around him
CAMERON
You're one brilliant guy
Michael pulls back, noticing other guys filing in.
MICHAEL
Hey - I appreciate gratitude as much as the next guy, but
it's not gonna do you any good to be known as New Kid Who
Embraces Guys In The Bathroom.
Cameron pulls back and attempts to posture himself in a
manly way for the others, now watching.
INT. KENNY'S THAI FOOD DINER - DAY
Kat and Mandella pick apart their pad thai. Mandella is
smoking.
KAT
So he has this huge raging fit about
Sarah Lawrence and insists that I go to
his male-dominated, puking frat boy,
number one golf team school. I have no
say at all.
MANDELLA
William would never have gone to a
state school.
KAT
William didn't even go to high school
MANDELLA
That's never been proven
KAT
Neither has his heterosexuality.
Mandella replies with a look of ice. Kat uses the moment to
stub out Mandella's cigarette.
KAT
(continuing)
I appreciate your efforts toward a
speedy death, but I'm consuming.
(pointing at her
food)
Do you mind?
MANDELLA
Does it matter?
KAT
If I was Bianca, it would be, "Any
school you want, precious. Don't forget
your tiara."
They both look up as Patrick enters. He walks up to the
counter to place his order.
Mandella leans toward Kat with the glow of fresh gossip
MANDELLA
Janice Parker told me he was a roadie
for Marilyn Manson.
Patrick nods at them as he takes his food outside.
KAT
Janice Parker is an idiot
INT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Patrick sits before Miss Perky, eating his Thai food
MISS PERKY
(looking at chart)
I don't understand, Patrick. You
haven't done anything asinine this week.
Are you not feeling well?
PATRICK
Touch of the flu.
MISS PERKY
I'm at a loss, then. What should we
talk about? Your year of absence?
He smiles his charming smile
PATRICK
How 'bout your sex life?
She tolerates his comment with her withering glance.
MISS PERKY
Why don't we discuss your driving need
to be a hemorrhoid?
PATRICK
What's to discuss?
MISS PERKY
You weren't abused, you aren't stupid,
and as far as I can tell, you're only
slightly psychotic -- so why is it that
you're such a fuck-up?
PATRICK
Well, you know -- there's the prestige
of the job title... and the benefits
package is pretty good...
The bell RINGS.
MISS PERKY
Fine. Go do something repugnant and
give us something to talk about next
week.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Several pairs of tutors and students sit at the various
desks.
Mandella sits with TREVOR, a White Rasta. She attempts to
get him to do geometry, but he stares at her, as if smitten
MANDELLA
Look, it's really easy.
TREVOR
You're a freedom fighter. Be proud,
sister.
Mandella sets down her pencil and closes the book.
MANDELLA
(rotely)
It's Mandella with two L's. I am not
related to Nelson Mandela. I am not a
political figure. I do not live in
South Africa. My parents just spent a
few too many acid trips thinking they
were revolutionaries.
TREVOR
But you freed our people
MANDELLA
Your "people" are white, suburban high
school boys who smoke too much hemp. I
have not freed you, Trevor.
(grabbing his arm
dramatically)
Only you can free yourself.
ACROSS THE ROOM Bianca and Cameron sit side by side, cozy as
can be
BIANCA
C'esc ma tete. This is my head
CAMERON
Right. See? You're ready for the
quiz.
BIANCA
I don't want to know how to say that
though. I want to know useful things.
Like where the good stores are. How
much does champagne cost? Stuff like
Chat. I have never in my life had to
point out my head to someone.
CAMERON
That's because it's such a nice one.
BIANCA
Forget French.
She shuts her book and puts on a seductive smile
BIANCA
(continuing)
How is our little Find the Wench A Date
plan progressing?
CAMERON
Well, there's someone I think might be
--
Bianca's eyes light up
BIANCA
Show me
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Cameron and Bianca lean against the wall -inconspicuously.
Bianca plays it cool.
BIANCA
Give me a sign when he walks by. And
don't point.
The bell RINGS. Kids flood past. Then Patrick saunters by
with Scurvy. Cameron nudges Bianca.
CAMERON
There.
BIANCA
Where?
Out of desperation, Cameron awkwardly lunges across
Patrick's path. Patrick shoves him back against the wall
without a thought. Cameron lands in a THUD at Bianca's
feet.
CAMERON
I guess he didn't see me
(calling after
Patrick)
Some other time --
Bianca watches Patrick, a wicked gleam in her eye.
BIANCA
My God, he's repulsive. He's so
perfect!
INT. GYM CLASS - DAY
Several volleyball games are being played.
Joey and a member of his hulking entourage, approach
Patrick, who still manages to look cool, even in gym
clothes. They pull him aside roughly.
PATRICK
(shrugging them
off)
What?
Joey points
JOEY See that girl?
Patrick follows his line of vision to Kat as she spikes the
ball into some poor cowboy's face.
PATRICK
Yeah
JOEY
What do you think?
Kat wins the game and high fives the others, who are scared
of her.
PATRICK
Two legs, nice rack...
JOEY
Yeah, whatever. I want you to go out
with her.
PATRICK
Sure, Sparky. I'll get right on it.
JOEY
You just said
PATRICK
You need money to take a girl out
JOEY
But you'd go out with her if you had
the cake?
Patrick stares at Joey deadpan. His dislike for the guy
obvious.
PATRICK
(sarcastic)
Yeah, I'd take her to Europe if I had
the plane.
Joey smiles.
JOEY
You got it, Verona. I pick up the tab,
you do the honors.
PATRICK
You're gonna pay me to take out some
girl?
JOEY
I can't date her sister until that one
gets a boyfriend. And that's the catch.
She doesn't want a boyfriend.
PATRICK
How much?
JOEY
Twenty bucks each time you take her out.
PATRICK
I can't take a girl like that out on
twenty bucks.
JOEY
Fine, thirty.
Patrick raises an eyebrow, urging him up
JOEY
(continuing)
Take it or leave it. This isn't a
negotiation.
PATRICK
Fifty, and you've got your man.
Patrick walks away with a smile
EXT. FIELD HOCKEY FIELD - DAY
Kat and the rest of the team go through a grueling practice
session. Kat spares no one as she whips the ball all over
the field.
Patrick sits on the bleachers nearby, watching. A cigarette
dangles from his mouth. His pal, SCURVY is next to him.
MR. CHAPIN, the coach, blows the WHISTLE.
MR. CHAPIN
(proudly)
Good run, Stratford.
Kat nods in response, and the girls leave the field. Patrick
hops down to follow.
PATRICK
Hey. Girlie.
Kat stops and turns slowly to look at him.
PATRICK
(continuing)
I mean Wo-man. How ya doin'?
KAT
(smiles brightly)
Sweating like a pig, actually. And
yourself?
PATRICK
There's a way to get a guy's attention.
KAT
My mission in life.
She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.
KAT
(continuing)
Obviously, I've struck your fancy. So,
you see, it worked. The world makes
sense again.
Patrick's eyes narrow. He steps closer.
PATRICK
Pick you up Friday, then
KAT
Oh, right. Friday.
PATRICK backs up a little. He uses his most seductive tone
PATRICK
The night I take you to places you've
never been before. And back.
KAT
Like where? The 7-Eleven on Burnside?
Do you even know my name, screwboy?
PATRICK
I know a lot more than that
Kat stares at him.
KAT
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.
PATRICK
(calling after her)
You're no bargain either, sweetheart.
Scurvy appears at his side
SCURVY
So I guess the Jeep won't be getting a
new Blaupunkt.
ACROSS THE FIELD Cameron and Michael watch.
MICHAEL
He took the bait.
STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kat washes her face at the sink. Bianca appears behind her,
and attempts to twist Kat's hair into a chignon.
She wacks Bianca away.
BIANCA
Have you ever considered a new look? I
mean, seriously, you could have some
potential buried under all this
hostility.
Kat pushes past her into the hallway.
KAT
I have the potential to smack the crap
out of you if you don't get out of my
way.
BIANCA
Can you at least start wearing a bra?
Kat SLAMS her door in response.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick, Scurvy and some other randoms head for the exit
SCURVY You up for a burger?
Patrick looks in his wallet. It's empty.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Kat stands at her locker, gathering her books. Patrick
appears at her side, smiling.
PATRICK
Hey
Kat doesn't answer
PATRICK
(continuing)
You hate me don't you?
KAT
I don't really think you warrant that
strong an emotion.
PATRICK
Then say you'll spend Dollar Night at
the track with me.
KAT
And why would I do that?
PATRICK
Come on -- the ponies, the flat beer,
you with money in your eyes, me with my
hand on your ass...
KAT
You -- covered in my vomit.
PATRICK
Seven-thirty?
She slams her locker shut and walks away
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT
Kat emerges from a music store carrying a bag of CDs in her
teeth, and fumbling through her purse with both hands. She
finds her keys and pulls them out with a triumphant tug.
She looks up and finds Patrick sitting on the hood of her
car
PATRICK
Nice ride. Vintage fenders.
Kat takes the bag out of her mouth.
KAT
Are you following me?
PATRICK
I was in the laundromat. I saw your
car. Thought I'd say hi.
KAT
Hi
She gets in and starts the car.
PATRICK
You're not a big talker, are you?
KAT
Depends on the topic. My fenders don't
really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
She starts to pull out, and is blocked by Joey's Viper,
which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.
Joey and his groupies emerge and head for the liquor store
KAT
(continuing)
Hey -- do you mind?
JOEY
Not at all
They continue on into the store. Kat stares at them in
disbelief...
Then BACKS UP
Her vintage fenders CRASH into the door of Joey's precious
Viper.
Patrick watches with a delighted grin Joey races out of the
liquor store.
JOEY
(continuing)
You fucking bitch!
Kat pulls forward and backs into his car again. Smiling
sweetly.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
Walter paces as Kat sits calmly on the couch.
WALTER
My insurance does not cover PMS
KAT
Then tell them I had a seizure.
WALTER
Is this about Sarah Lawrence? You
punishing me?
KAT
I thought you were punishing me.
WALTER
Why can't we agree on this?
KAT
Because you're making decisions for me.
WALTER
As a parent, that's my right
KAT
So what I want doesn't matter?
WALTER
You're eighteen. You don't know what
you want. You won't know until you're
forty-five and you don't have it.
KAT
(emphatic)
I want to go to an East Coast school! I
want you to trust me to make my own
choices. I want --
Walter's BEEPER goes off
WALTER
Christ! I want a night to go by that
I'm not staring a contraction in the
face.
He walks out, leaving Kat stewing on the couch.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick shuts his graffiti-encrusted locker, revealing
Joey's angry visage, glowering next to him.
JOEY
When I shell out fifty, I expect
results.
PATRICK
I'm on it
JOEY
Watching the bitch trash my car doesn't
count as a date.
PATRICK
I got her under control. She just acts
crazed in public to keep up the image.
Joey sees through the bluff
JOEY
Let me put it to you this way, if you
don't get any action, I don't get any
action. So get your ass on hers by the
end of the week.
Joey starts to walk off
PATRICK
I just upped my price
JOEY
(turning)
What?
PATRICK
A hundred bucks a date.
JOEY
Forget it.
PATRICK
Forget her sister, then.
Joey thinks for a frustrated moment, PUNCHES the locker,
then peels another fifty out of his wallet with a menacing
scowl.
JOEY
You better hope you're as smooth as you
think you are, Verona.
Patrick takes the money with a smile.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron runs a sentence past Bianca.
CAMERON
La copine et I 'ami? La diferance?
Bianca glares at him.
BIANCA
A "copine" is someone you can count on.
An "ami" is someone who makes promises
he can't keep.
Cameron closes the French book
CAMERON
You got something on your mind?
BIANCA
I counted on you to help my cause. You
and that thug are obviously failing.
Aren't we ever going on our date?
He melts
CAMERON
You have my word. As a gentleman
BIANCA
You're sweet.
She touches his hand. He blushes at her praise and watches
her toss her hair back
CAMERON
(appreciative)
How do you get your hair to look like
that?
BIANCA
Eber's Deep Conditioner every two days.
And I never, ever use a blowdryer
without the diffuser attachment.
Cameron nods with interest.
CAMERON
You know, I read an article about that.
Bianca looks surprised.
BIANCA
You did?
INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY
Patrick stands at the sink, washing his hands Michael and
Cameron cower in the corner, watching him.
PATRICK
(without turning
around)
Say it
MICHAEL
(clearing his
throat)
What?
PATRICK
Whatever the hell it is you're standin'
there waitin' to say.
Cameron bravely steps forward
CAMERON
We wanted to talk to you about the
plan.
Patrick turns toward them.
PATRICK
What plan?
MICHAEL
The situation is, my man Cameron here
has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.
PATRICK
What is it with this chick? She have
three tits?
Cameron starts to object, but Michael holds up a hand.
MICHAEL
I think I speak correctly when I say
that Cameron's love is pure. Purer than
say -- Joey Dorsey's.
PATRICK
Dorsey can plow whoever he wants. I'm
just in this for the cash.
Cameron starts choking at the thought of Joey plowing his
beloved Bianca.
MICHAEL
That's where we can help you. With
Kat.
PATRICK
So Dorsey can get the girl?
MICHAEL
Patrick, Pat, you're not looking at the
big picture. Joey's just a pawn. We set
this whole thing up so Cameron can get
the girl.
Patrick smiles. He likes the idea of Joey being a pawn in
this game.
PATRICK
You two are gonna help me tame the wild
beast?
MICHAEL
(grinning)
We're your guys.
CAMERON
And he means that strictly in a non-
prison-movie type of way.
PATRICK
Yeah -- we'll see.
He swings the door open and exits, leaving Michael and
Cameron grinning at each other.
MICHAEL
We're in.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
CU on a party invitation as it gets handed out. "Future
Princeton Grad Bogey Lowenstein proudly presents a Saturday
night bash at his abode. Casual attire".
Michael holds the invitation up to Cameron.
CAMERON
This is it. A golden opportunity.
Patrick can ask Katarina to the party.
MICHAEL
In that case, we'll need to make it a
school-wide blow out.
CAMERON
Will Bogey get bent?
MICHAEL
Are you kidding? He'll piss himself
with joy. He's the ultimate kiss ass.
CAFETERIA - DAY
Michael hands a jock the party invite as they pass each
other at the trash cans.
INT. GYM CLASS - DAY
The jock calls a fellow jock
INT. MATH CLASS - DAY
Jock whispers to a cheerleader
COURTYARD - DAY
The cheerleader calls a White Rasta that she's making out
with, showing him the invite.
TRACK - DAY
The White Rasta tells a cowboy as they run laps during track
practice.
INT. SHOWERS - DAY
The cowboy Cells a Coffee Kid, as he shields his java from
the spray of the shower.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joey stands ac his open locker with Bianca. The locker is
an homage to Joey's "modeling" career. Cheesy PRINT ADS of
him -- running in a field of daisies, petting a kitten, etc.
-- adorn the locker door.
JOEY
Which do you like better?
INSERT - HEADSHOTS of Joey. In one, he's pouting in a white
shirt. In the other, he's pouting in a black shirt.
BIANCA
I think I like the white shirt
Joey nods thoughtfully.
JOEY
It's more
BIANCA
Expensive?
JOEY
Exactly
(beat)
So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's
thing on Saturday?
BIANCA
Hopefully.
He gives her his best flirtatious smile
JOEY
Good, 'cause I'm not gonna bother if
you won't be there.
He taps her on the nose and she giggles
INT. TUTORING ROOM
Bianca sits across from Cameron, who's transfixed, as always
BIANCA
Have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's
party?
CAMERON
Sure have.
BIANCA
(pouting)
I really, really, really wanna go, but
I can't. Not unless my sister goes.
CAMERON
I'm workin' on it. But she doesn't seem
to be goin' for him.
He fishes.
CAMERON
(continuing)
She's not a...
BIANCA
Lesbian? No. I found a picture of
Jared Leto in one of her drawers, so I'm
pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex
tendencies.
CAMERON
So that's the kind of guy she likes?
Pretty ones?
BIANCA
Who knows? All I've ever heard her say
is that she'd dip before dating a guy
that smokes.
Cameron furiously takes notes
CAMERON
All right. What else is she partial
to?
INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
Patrick plays pool with some random deviant cronies.
He looks up when he hears a COMMOTION at the door. LOU the
bouncer is in the midst of throwing Michael and Cameron out.
PATRICK
Lou, it's okay. They're with me.
Lou looks at Patrick, surprised, then reluctantly lets our
two non-deviants pass through.
Patrick guides them to a table and sips from a beer.
PATRICK
(continuing)
What've you got for me?
CAMERON
I've retrieved certain pieces of
information on Miss Katarina Stratford I
think you'll find helpful.
Cameron pulls out a piece of paper.
MICHAEL
(to Patrick)
One question before we start -- should you be drinking
alcohol when you don't have a liver?
PATRICK
What?!
MICHAEL
Good enough.
Cameron looks up at Patrick.
CAMERON
Number one. She hates smokers
MICHAEL
It's a lung cancer issue
CAMERON
Her favorite uncle
MICHAEL
Dead at forty-one.
Patrick sits up
PATRICK
Are you telling me I'm a -
(spits the word
out)
"non-smoker"?
MICHAEL
Just for now.
CAMERON
Another thing. Bianca said that Kat
likes -- pretty guys.
This is met with silence. Then:
PATRICK
What? You don't think I'm pretty?
Michael smacks Cameron
MICHAEL
He's pretty!
CAMERON
Okay! I wasn't sure
Cameron goes back to the list.
CAMERON
(continuing)
Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist
prose, and "angry, stinky girl music of
the indie-rock persuasion".
PATRICK
So what does that give me? I'm
supposed to buy her some noodles and a
book and sit around listening to chicks
who can't play their instruments?
MICHAEL
Ever been to Club Skunk?
PATRICK
Yeah.
CAMERON
Gigglepuss is playing there tomorrow
night.
PATRICK
Don't make me do it, man
MICHAEL
Assail your ears for one night.
CAMERON
It's her favorite band.
Patrick groans
MICHAEL
I also retrieved a list of her most
recent CD purchases, courtesy of
American Express.
He hands it over.
PATRICK
(smiling)
Michael -- did you get this information
"illegally"?
Michael puts a finger to his lips.
MICHAEL
I prefer to think of it simply as an
alternative to what the law allows.
PATRICK
I'm likin' you guys better
He looks down at the list of CDs.
PATRICK
(continuing)
This is really music?
INT. KAT'S ROOM - NIGHT
MUSIC BLARES in a room with minimalist decor splashed with
indie rock band posters and flyers.
Kat and Mandella dance as they dress and apply make-up
Bianca enters, interrupting their fun.
BIANCA
Can you turn down the Screaming
Menstrual Bitches? I'm trying to study.
Kat doesn't move, so Bianca crosses to the stereo, turning
down the volume.
BIANCA
(continuing)
Don't tell me you're actually going
out? On a school night, no less.
Kat shoots her a glare
BIANCA
(continuing;
excited)
Oh my God, does this mean you're
becoming normal?
KAT
It means that Gigglepuss is playing at
Club Skunk and we're going.
BIANCA
(disappointed)
Oh, I thought you might have a date
(beat)
I don't know why I'm bothering to ask,
but are you going to Bogey Lowenstein's
party Saturday night?
KAT
What do you think?
BIANCA
I think you're a freak. I think you do
this to torture me. And I think you
suck.
She smiles sweetly and shuts the door behind her. Kat
doesn't bat an eye. She grabs her purse and opens the door
KAT
Let's hit it.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
A happy black and white neon skunk sprays fine mist on the
line of kids below.
INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT
Kat and Mandella walk in, Mandella nervously pulling out her
fake ID. The giant, afroed bouncer, BRUCE, looks typically
mono-syllabic.
MANDELLA
(whispering to Kat)
You think this'll work?
KAT
No fear.
They approach Bruce. Kat puts on her happy, shiny face
KAT
(continuing)
Hello! We'd like two for Gigglepuss!
Bruce looks the girls up and down.
BRUCE
I can count.
He looks at their IDs. Mandella gently moves Kat aside,
wearing a face that could only be described as "I AM a
Victoria's Secret model."
MANDELLA
I'll bet you can..
She sticks out her chest and licks her lips. Bruce stares
at her deadpan and hands her back the IDs.
BRUCE
Go ahead.
(to Mandella)
And you
MANDELLA
(all come hither)
Yes?
BRUCE
Take it easy on the guys in there.
Mandella winks at him and sashays inside Kat: follows
behind, shaking her head.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
Patrick's mail truck clatters to a stop out front.
INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT
Patrick walks up to Bruce, who's frisking a badly mowhawked
PIERCED EYEBROW BOY. Bruce pulls a SWITCHBLADE out of the
boy's inside pocket.
BRUCE
Next time, leave the Bic at home,
Skippy.
SKIPPY
It's a bottle opener.
Bruce pushes him inside the club, then sees Patrick.
BRUCE
Verona, my man.
They shake.
PATRICK
Always a pleasure, Brucie.
BRUCE
Didn't have you pegged for a Gigglepuss
fan. Aren't they a little too pre-teen
belly-button ring for you?
PATRICK
Fan of a fan. You see a couple of
minors come in?
BRUCE
Never
PATRICK
Padua girls. One tall, decent body.
The other one kinda short and
undersexed?
BRUCE
Just sent 'em through.
Patrick starts to go in
BRUCE
(continuing)
Hey -- what happened to that chick you
brought last time? The one with the
snake?
Patrick laughs and goes into the club
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Onstage, the all-female band GIGGLEPUSS is parlaying their
bad girl sass into a ripping punk number.
Near the stage is a joyful mass of pogo-ing teens AT THE BAR
Patrick bellies up and looks around the club. Gigglepuss
finishes a song.
LEAD SINGER
Hello, out there. We're Gigglepuss and
we're from Olympia.
A teenage boy in the audience takes the opportunity to
scream.
BOY (0.S.)
Pet my kitty!
LEAD SINGER
Meow
They rev into their next song.
NEAR THE STAGE
Mandella and Kat glow with sweat. When they hear the
opening chords of the song, they look at each other and
scream with glee as they begin to dance. They couldn't be
having a better time.
AT THE BAR
Patrick signals to get the bartender's attention and looks
across the bouncing surge of the crowd. He spots Kat and
Mandella singing along.
HIS POV
The gleeful Kat -- dancing and looking completely at ease.
None of her usual "attitude". Patrick is transfixed. And
most definitely attracted.
NEAR THE STAGE Kat looks at Mandella.
KAT
(shouting)
I need agua!
She makes her way through the crowd to the bar. AT THE BAR
She made it. She signals for the bartender and as she's
waiting, looks around. She spots Patrick a few feet away
KAT
(continuing to
herself)
Shit
She sneaks a glance. He's staring, but this time he looks
away before she can. Despite herself, she's miffed.
The bartender arrives
BARTENDER
(shouting)
What can I get you?
KAT
Two waters.
She looks at Patrick again. He's completely absorbed in the
band. She scowls. The bottled water arrives and she
marches off, forgetting to pay.
She walks up to Patrick.
KAT
(continuing)
You're not fooling anyone.
Patrick looks at her, surprised
PATRICK
(yelling)
hey. Great show, huh?
KAT
(yelling)
If you're planning on asking me out you might as well get it
over with.
PATRICK
(yelling)
Excuse me?
KAT
(yelling)
That's what you want, isn't it?
PATRICK
(yelling; gesturing
toward the band)
Do you mind? You're sort of ruining it
for me.
Kat steams. And watches him watch the band
KAT
(yelling)
You're not surrounded by your usual
cloud of smoke.
The band takes a break, so they can stop yelling now
PATRICK
I know. I quit.
He leans back, making no attempt to hit on her. She moves
closer.
KAT
Oh, really?
He motions toward the stage
PATRICK
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill
or The Raincoats, but they're right up
there.
KAT
You know who The Raincoats are?
PATRICK
Why, don't you?
She's completely taken aback. He uses the moment to his
advantage and brushes her hair back as he speaks right into
her ear.
PATRICK
(continuing)
I watched you out there I've never
seen you look like that
Kat steps away, brushing the hair back that he just touched
Her cheeks pinken.
His cocky side is back in a flash
PATRICK
(continuing)
Come to that party with me.
At that moment, the band starts another SONG
KAT
(yelling)
What?
The bartender approaches.
BARTENDER
(to Kat, yelling)
You forgot to pay!
PATRICK
(yelling)
I got it, Rick.
He tosses some bills on the bar
Rather than thank him, Kat simply watches him, trying to
figure out his motive.
PATRICK
(continuing;
yelling)
Nine-thirty then.
A few people have gotten between them at the bar and she
can't hear a word he's saying. She gives him one last look
and heads back into the crowd.
Patrick smiles. She didn't say no this time.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
The crowd files out of the club, Kat and Mandella amongst
them. A^ they're walking toward the parking lot, Patrick
coasts by in his truck. The gears GRIND. He yells out the
window.
MANDELLA
What'd he say?
KAT
Who cares?
Mandella watches Kat as she stares after Patrick
MANDELLA
Has he importun'd you with love in
honourable fashion?
Kat glances sharply at her.
MANDELLA
(continuing; off
her look)
Don't be Cruella with me. I'm in favor
of romance. You're the one that wants
to march on Washington every five
minutes.
Kat pokes her, then looks back at the club dreamily.
KAT
Gigglepuss was so beyond.
Mandella nods.
MANDELLA
They were. I only wish William could
have been here to witness the rebirth of
punk rock with us.
Kat links her arm through Mandella's and they head for the
car.
KAT
So true.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Cameron and Michael are at Michael's locker.
CAMERON
So, then she says that she almost
didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that
dress because she thought she was
mixing, you know, genres. And the fact
that I noticed -- and I'm quoting here -
"really meant something."
Cameron looks At Michael expectantly
MICHAEL
You told me that part already.
CAMERON
Hell, I've just been going over the
whole thing in my head and -
Joey appears over Cameron's shoulder.
JOEY
Hey. Dingo Boingo
Cameron and Michael look at each other And turn around
slowly
JOEY
(continuing; to
Michael)
I hear you're helpin' Verona.
MICHAEL
Uh, yeah. We're old friend*
JOEY
You and Verona?
MICHAEL
What? We took bathes together when we
were kids.
It's incredibly obvious that he's lying. Joey eyes him then
turns to Cameron.
JOEY
What's your gig in all this?
CAMERON
I'm just the new guy.
Joey turns back to Michael, grabbing the alligator on his
shirt and twisting it.
JOEY
You better not fuck this up. I'm
heavily invested.
MICHAEL
Hey -- it's all for the higher good
right?
Joey lets go of Michael and SHOVES Cameron against a locker
for good measure, as he walks away-
CAMERON
Is it about me?
EXT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Kat sits outside waiting for her appointment, bored and
annoyed.
The door opens and Miss Perky escorts Patrick out
MISS PERKY
You're completely demented.
PATRICK
(cheery)
See you next week!
Kat stands and Patrick sees her.
Miss Perky watches in horror
MISS PERKY
You two know each other?
PATRICK/KAT
Yeah/No.
Miss Perky grabs Kat and shoves her into her office.
MISS PERKY
(to Patrick)
Dear God, stay away from her. If you
two ever decided to breed, evil would
truly walk the earth.
Patrick gives Kat one last look before the door shuts, then
smiles-
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
The lights are on, illuminating the yard
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Bianca and Chastity stand outside Kat's room. MUSIC is
blaring and the door is shut. Bianca looks at her watch
BIANCA
She's obviously not going.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Across the carpet, two pairs of teenage girl feet sneak
past. Bianca and Chastity, teddy bear purses in hand.
FROM THE KITCHEN A RUSTLING is heard. The girls freeze.
Walter emerges from the kitchen with a mile-high sandwich
The girls are like statues. Walter jumps.
BIANCA
Daddy, I --
WALTER
And where're you going?
BIANCA
If you must know, we were attempting to
go to a small study group of friends.
WALTER
Otherwise known as an orgy?
BIANCA
It's just a party. Daddy, but I knew
you'd forbid me to go since "Gloria
Steinem" over there isn't going --
She points to Kat -- Walkman blaring -- who comes
downstairs, wearing a baby tee and battered Levis. Her
relaxing-at-home look is about 400 times sexier than her at-
school look. She wanders toward the kitchen.
Walter directs his attention toward Kat.
WALTER
Do you know about any party? Katarina?
Kat shrugs as she comes back out of the kitchen with an
apple
BIANCA
Daddy, people expect me to be there!
WALTER
If Kat's not going, you're not going.
Bianca turns to Kat, eyes ablaze
BIANCA
You're ruining my life' Because you
won't be normal, I can't be normal.
KAT
What's normal?
BIANCA
Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal, but
you're too busy listening to Bitches Who
Need Prozac to know that.
WALTER
What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
Kat takes off her earphones, ready to do battle
BIANCA
Can't you forget for just one night
that you're completely wretched?
KAT
At least I'm not a clouted fen- sucked
hedge-pig.
Bianca tosses her hair.
BIANCA
Like I'm supposed to know what that
even means.
KAT
It's Shakespeare. Maybe you've heard
of him?
BIANCA
Yeah, he's your freak friend Mandella's
boyfriend. I guess since I'm not
allowed to go out, I should obsess over
a dead guy, too.
WALTER
Girls
Kat stares Bianca down
KAT
I know about the goddamn party. I'm
going.
Bianca and Chastity look at each other, thrilled, and burst
into gleeful screams.
A startled Walter clutches Bianca in a protective hug.
WALTER
Oh, God. It's starting.
BIANCA
It's just a party. Daddy.
Walter looks dazed.
WALTER
Wear the belly before you go.
BIANCA
Daddy, no!
WALTER
Just for a minute
He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-
pregnancy belly.
WALTER
(continuing)
I want you to realize the weight of
your decisions.
He hangs the belly on her as she stands mortified.
BIANCA
You are so completely unbalanced.
KAT
Can we go now?
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Formatting by http://simplyscripts.home.att.net
WALTER
(to Bianca)
Promise me you won't talk to any boys
unless your sister is present.
BIANCA
Why?
WALTER
Because she'll scare them away.
Kat stomps to the door, grabbing her car keys off the hall
table and a sweater from the coat rack. She flings open the
door and...
There stands Patrick.
PATRICK
Nine-thirty right?
Kat's in shock
PATRICK
(continuing)
I'm early.
She holds up her keys
KAT
I'm driving.
He peeks in behind her.
PATRICK
Who knocked up your sister?
INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
BOGEY, a short Future MBA in a tux, greets his guests like a
pro, handing out cigars and martinis.
BOGEY
Nice to see you. Martini bar to the
right, shots in the kitchen.
The house is filled to capacity with Padua High's finest Kat
pushes through the crowd. Patrick saunters in behind her
INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Joey lines up a row of shots amid much whooping and
hollering within the jock crowd.
Kat enters, then quickly tries to make an about face. Joey
sees her and rushes over to block her, standing in the
doorway.
JOEY
Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Kat
Kat gives him a death look and then stops and points at his
forehead.
KAT
Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline
just recede?
He panics, whipping out a handy pocket mirror She's
already walking away.
JOEY
Where ya goin?
KAT
Away.
JOEY
Your sister here?
Kat's face shows utter hatred
KAT
Leave my sister alone.
JOEY
(smirking)
And why would I do that?
A RUCKUS sounds from the next room
JOCK
A fight!
The other jocks rush to watch as two Coffee Kids splash
their cupfuls on each other.
COFFEE KID #1
That was a New Guinea Peaberry, you
Folger's-crystals-slurping-buttwipe.
Caffeinated fists fly. Joey slithers away from the door to
watch, giving Kat one last smirk, just as Bianca walks into
the kitchen.
JOEY
Just who I was looking for.
He puts his arm around Bianca and escorts her out
KAT
BIANCA
Bianca keeps walking, ignoring Kat
A GUY pouring shots hands Kat one She downs it and accepts
another.
GUY
Drink up, sister.
Patrick walks up
PATRICK
What's this?
KAT
(mocking)
"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
PATRICK
I say, do what you wanna do.
KAT
Funny, you're the only one
She downs another.
INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Cameron and Michael enter. Cameron looks, around for his
beloved, while Michael schmoozee with all in attendance and
dishes dirt simultaneously.
MICHAEL
(high-fiving a
jock)
Moose, my man!
(to Cameron)
Ranked fifth in the state. Recruiters
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