The Cable Guy

by Judd Apatow
Based on a Screenplay by
Lou Holtz Jr.

Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)
Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)
Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)

1	FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISE

Credits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can make out thefaint 
image of a television program. Every few moments the channel changes, revealing a new ghostly 
image.

The camera pulls back very slowly. We reveal that this image is coming from a twenty seven inch 
television.

The camera pulls back some more and we see a man's hand enter frame holding a remote
control. The hand changes channels frantically.

The camera pulls back into its final position and we see STEVEN BARTOWSKY, thirty
years old, sitting on his couch. He is trying to find a channel with viewable reception.
Unfortunately for him – his cable is not hooked up.

STEVE
(looks at watch)
Jesus, where's the cable guy already?

END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE

1A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

It is a stylish old apartment. There are half unpacked boxes strewn about the floor. Steven has just 
moved in. The phone rings.

STEVEN
(into the phone)
Hello.

2	NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

We see Steven's best friend RICK standing in the middle of a busy newsroom. He is a rough 
looking, cynical local news cameraman. In the background, hanging from the ceiling is a television 
set.

ON THE TV - An anchorman sits at his desk fixing his hair as he waits to go on the air. A graphic 
on the screen says "Sam Sweet Trial Update."

RICK
How's the move going?

3	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Steven unpacks as they speak. The phone call intercuts between the two locations.

STEVEN
Horrible. The cable guy is missing in
action. Apparently he's going to be here
sometime between eight AM and my death.

RICK
You haven't called Robin have you?
Please tell me you didn't call her.

STEVEN
(sarcastically)
No, I'm giving her space.
(beat)
I can't believe she's doing this.

RICK
You never should have asked her to marry
you. You're the mad smotherer.

STEVEN
All she had to do was say no. She didn't
have to kick me out. I feel like Felix
Unger.

RICK
You forced her to evaluate the
relationship. If you didn't propose she
would never have realized how unhappy she
was.

STEVE
I don't want to talk about it.
So what time are you going to come by?

RICK
I can't. I'm working double shifts the
rest of the week.

STEVEN
It's my first night here. Don't do this
to me.

RICK
The other camera guy pulled out his back.
Besides, I spent the last two weeks with
you on my couch. Isn't that enough?

STEVEN
Fine, fine.

RICK
One piece of advice. Slip the cable guy
fifty bucks, he'll give you all the movie
channels for free. Even the dirty ones.

STEVEN
I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff.
What if he says no? I'll feel like an
idiot.

RICK
None of them say no, believe me. I'll
talk to you later.

Steven hangs up, and waits.

DISSOLVE TO:

4	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Steven continues unpacking. He is very neat. He opens a box and finds a pictures of him with his 
ex-girlfriend. He looks at one sadly, considering whether or not to put it on display. He puts it 
back in the box.

4A	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Establishing shot of a renovated apartment building built in the nineteen twenties. A moving truck 
pulls into a gated side garage.

5	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Movers deliver a small breakfast table and chairs. Steven directs them as to where to put them.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 3:52 P.M.

6	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven puts a few feet of tin foil on his antenna to help the reception. He changes channels. Still 
nothing. He pulls it off frustrated.

7	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Many of the boxes are gone. Steven lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, fidgeting. He is unable 
to fill his day without cable.

STEVEN
Where the hell is he?

8	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven paces back and forth across the room. He stares at his watch frequently.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 5:12 P.M.

9	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven slowly eats a sandwich in his empty kitchen. He looks at the clock. It says five-thirty. He 
picks up the phone and dials. A machine picks up.

ROBIN (VO)
Hi, this is Robin. Leave a message. If
you are trying to reach Steven he can now
be reached at 555-3837.

Steven hangs up.

10	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SUNSET

Steven does sit ups. He looks at the clock.

CLOSE UP OF THE CLOCK - 6:48 P.M.

STEVEN
(to himself)
Forget it. Idiots.

He gets up, and walks into the bathroom.

11	INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Steven gets undressed. He turns on the shower, adjusts the heat, then gets in. He tries to lose his 
tension by letting the hot water engulf him. He takes some shampoo, and lathers up his hair.

THE DOORBELL RINGS
STEVEN
(annoyed)
Oh great.

THE DOORBELL RINGS SEVERAL TIMES

Steven jumps out of the shower, soaking wet, throws on a bathrobe and runs to the door.

STEVEN
Don't leave! I'm here! I'm here!

12	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs to the door.

CABLE GUY (OS)
Hello! Cable Guy!

Steven reaches the door, and looks through the peep-hole.

P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE

The CABLE GUY is walking away.

INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY

Steven opens the door and yells to the Cable Guy.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

STEVEN
Hey, wait!

The Cable Guy turns back.

CABLE GUY
Well, look who decided to show up. I was
just gonna go collect my retirement
pension.

The Cable Guy wears a clean white jump suit, and is extremely confident despite the fact that he 
speaks with a slight lisp. This lisp gives him a child-like quality.

STEVEN
You were supposed to be here four hours
ago.

CABLE GUY
Was I? So I'm the tardy one. Good to
know.

STEVEN
Yes. I had to go to the Bed 'n Bath
place, but now it's closed.
CABLE GUY

(turns to leave)
Maybe I shouldn't have come at all – jerk
off!
(turns back smiling)
I'm just joking. Let's do this.
(looks around)
Oh, the old McNair place. I never thought
they'd get the floors clean after what
happened here.

STEVEN
What happened?

CABLE GUY
(long beat)
They had a lot of cats.

They walk into Steven's living room.

CABLE GUY
Hey, this could be a cool pad. Here is a
comment card.

He pulls out a card, and hands it to Steven without turning back to look at him.

CABLE GUY
Please mail it in when I am done.

STEVEN
These go to your boss?

CABLE GUY
No, they go to me. I'm a
perfectioniss… perfectioniss…
(he strains to lose his lisp)
perfectioniss…t.
Now let's take a look at what we're
dealing with.

The Cable Guy walks around the room with his hands out, sensing the space.

CABLE GUY
Come on baby. Come on baby. Talk to me
baby. Tell me where you like it. That's
it baby.

He zones in on one wall. He fells the wall in a sensuous manner.

CABLE GUY
Here's your sweet spot.

He pulls out his drill, and begins drilling.

CABLE GUY
So your lady kicked you out.

STEVEN
What?

CABLE GUY
In preparing your service I noticed you
were previously wired across town at 1268
and a half Chestnut. Last week the
billing was transferred to one Robin
Harris. Smells like heartbreak to me.

STEVEN
I really don't want to talk about it with
you. Could you please just install my
cable? I'm going to get dressed.

CABLE GUY
No sweat.

Steven walks away, into the hallway. A moment later the Cable Guy runs to him.

CABLE GUY
Hey, I'm going to go to the hallway so I
can access the floorboards. Don't be
spooked if you hear someone crawling
underneath you.

STEVEN
Okay, whatever.

Steven walks toward his bedroom.

CABLE GUY
Put on your bathing suit 'cause you'll be
channel surfing in no time.

The Cable Guy pulls the trigger on his drill twice to punctuate his joke.

13	INT. - STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

CLOSE UP - THE TELEVISION

RIKKI KLIEMAN from COURT TV broadcasts from their studio.

RIKKI KLIEMAN
(to camera)
So ends day fifty-four of the trial of
former child star Sam Sweet who has been
accused of shooting his twin brother,
Stan, in cold blood. The twins were
stars of the hit sitcom "Double Trouble"
which aired from nineteen seventy-seven
till nineteen eighty-four.

A video package rolls in - We see several photographs of Sam Sweet and his twin brother at 
various ages. Included is the cast photo of "Double Trouble." Pictured in the photo are eight-year-
old Stan and Sam and Conrad Janis as their single dad.

We see a brief clip from "Double Trouble," starring the two eight-year-old boys, then a shot of 
Sam Sweet being taken out of a police car in handcuffs.

RIKKI KLIEMAN
(to camera)
Life wasn't so sweet after the cancellation
of their program. Hollywood chewed them
up and spit them out. A frustrated Sam
turned to petty larceny, while his more
impressionable brother, Stan, fell in
with a fringe cult called "The
Brotherhood of Friends." Reduced to
tabloid fodder a fury was growing inside
of Sam. A burning need to be recognized
as an individual, not a person famous for
having an identical twin. A need that
took the form of four shotgun blasts on
the night of November fourteenth. And so
today his attorneys continue the unusual
defense of "Twin Envy."

ANGLE ON

Steven re-enters the room. The Cable Guy is watching television.

STEVEN
How's it going?

The Cable Guy holds up one finger as if to say "quiet." His eyes never leave the TV.

CABLE GUY
Guilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. I
hope they fry this bastard.

Steven sees that the Cable Guy has completely redecorated the room in a fashion which makes the 
room impractical for anything other than watching television. The TV is now on the stairs 
blocking the entrance into the living room. All furniture faces the TV, making conversation 
impossible.

STEVEN
(looks around)
What happened?

CABLE GUY
(jumps to his feet)
The arrangement of your major appliances
and your furniture was causing some noisy
pics and hum bars in your reception. I
moved a few things. Cleared it right up.
Is that cool?

STEVEN
(non-confrontational)
I… guess so.

CABLE GUY
You programmed?
(off of Steven's look)
Then let me slave your remotes.

He picks up Steven's remotes, punches in a complicated series of commands, then points them at 
each other. As he holds them together he makes a face as if their power is surging through him.

CABLE GUY
Ooh, maybe we should leave these two
alone.

STEVEN
So after this I'll only need one remote
for everything?

CABLE GUY
You know you're pretty good at this. You
could be a cable guy yourself.
(he finishes)
Now let me check your levels.

With amazing alacrity he adjusts color setting, sound controls, closed captioned, etc. Then he 
clicks through the channels. A music video, documentary on Hitler, Oprah Winfrey Show, starving 
kids, Barney, court TV. The Cable Guy watches emotionless.

CABLE GUY
All right. That about does it. I just
have some paperwork for you to fill out.
Sign here.

Steven does.

CABLE GUY
That gave me power of attorney over you.
(beat)
Joking.

Steven laughs. The Cable Guy joins him, but then continues to laugh way too hard for way too 
long. As the laugh ends it quickly turns into an awkward moment. The Cable Guy does not want 
to leave.

CABLE GUY
I'm about finished here.
(beat)
Okay. I feel good about this.

Cable Guy walks to the door.

STEVEN
One thing.

CABLE GUY
(turns back immediately)
Yeah!

STEVEN
I… uh… I have this friend and he said
he gave his cable guy fifty bucks and he
got free movie channels. Have you ever
heard of anything like that?

CABLE GUY
(deadly serious)
You mean illegal cable?

STEVEN
Uh… yes.

CABLE GUY
Who told you that? I want his name.

STEVEN
Forget it.

CABLE GUY
You're offering me a bribe? What you
have just done is illegal, and in this
state if convicted, you could be fined
five-thousand dollars or spend six months
in a correctional facility.

STEVEN
Please… that was dumb. I was just
making conversation –

CABLE GUY
(laughs)
I'm just jerking your chain. Wake up
little snoozy. I'll juice you up. All
it is is a push of a button.

He puts his arm around Steven and walks him toward the front door.

STEVEN
Oh, great. How much?

CABLE GUY
Don't worry about it. I couldn't charge
you. Your girl just booted you.
Consider it one guy doing another guy a
solid.

STEVEN
That is so nice.

CABLE GUY
Hey, you're a 'nice' guy. You'd be
surprised how many customers treat you
like shit, like I'm a god damn plumber or
something.
(hands him a card)
Here is my personal beeper number. It's
just for my preferred customers. Never
call the company, they'll just put you on
hold.

STEVEN
Thanks. Really.
(holds up comment card - jokes)
You're gonna get some good marks here.

CABLE GUY
Maybe some day I'll take you out to the
satellite and show you how all this stuff
works. It's really incredible.

STEVEN
Sure. We should do that one day.

CABLE GUY
How 'bout tomorrow?

STEVEN
Tomorrow? Tomorrow's not good.

CABLE GUY
What are you going to do, sit home and
stew about your ex?

STEVEN
No.

CABLE GUY
(insulted)
Oh, okay. I guess I crossed the line.
Sorry.

STEVEN
(guilty)
You didn't cross the line.

CABLE GUY
No? Cool. I'll pick you up at six-thirty.
On the flip side.

The Cable Guy leaves before Steven can reconsider. Steven cannot believe he just got roped into 
that.

(End Revision - Pink)

14	INT. CITYWIDE LAND DEVELOPERS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Steven is in the middle of a presentation to his co-workers. His boss, HAL DANIELS, looks 
impressed.

Steven pulls a sheet off of an architect's model of a condominium complex.

STEVEN
…There are twenty-four classrooms; each
can be converted into a 1400 square foot
home. The facility has two tennis courts,
an Olympic size pool and full gym, with a
stage if the residents decide they want
to perform "Oklahoma."

Everyone laughs. Steven is very good at his job.

STEVEN
The kitsch appeal of living in an old
schoolhouse should be very attractive to
young, upwardly mobile home buyers. And
most important, the structure is
available in foreclosure. If we put down
a cash bid, we're going to steal this
thing.

There is a pause, then everyone applauds. Mr. Daniels walks over to Steven and puts a proud arm 
around him. They speak as the meeting breaks up.

MR. DANIELS
Great work Steve-o. So you're feeling
good?

STEVE
Yeah.

MR. DANIELS
Did I hear something about you having
some troubles at home?

STEVE
Robin and I have been having a difficult
time. I moved out, but I really think
it's only temporary.

MR. DANIELS
Gotcha. I love this project, but it's a
big mother. Know what I mean? If it
fails, corporate's going to have my ass.
I've got confidence in you, but you hear
where I'm coming from, bro?

STEVEN
Absolutely. Now I've got more time than
ever. It's a good thing.
(laughs)
I know I can pull this thing off.

MR. DANIELS
(playfully)
Then what are you doing talking to me?
You've got a lot of work to do. Get to
it!

STEVEN
Thank you. I will.

Hal goes down the stairs to his office. Steven watches him disappear, then turns to his secretary, 
JOAN.

STEVEN
I'll be right back.

14A	INT. SASSY MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAY

Steven walks through the halls looking for Robin's office.

15	OMITTED

16	INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE AT SASSY MAGAZINE - DAY

ROBIN HARRIS, an attractive woman in her late twenties, sits at her desk at "Sassy Magazine." 
Her office is fairly nice, but she is definitely not at the upper level of the company yet. There are 
papers spread all over her desk. On her walls are pictures from the magazine, and articles she has 
written.

Steven peeks his head in her door.

STEVEN
Hello.

Robin's face drops.

ROBIN
Steven, what are you doing here?

STEVEN
I was just in the area. Thought I'd pop
by. How's work? How'd the big teen crush
article come out?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

ROBIN
They liked it.
(beat)
I thought we agreed we weren't going to
see each other for a month.

STEVEN
I know, it's just Daniels accepted my
proposal to renovate the old schoolhouse.

ROBIN
That's wonderful, congratulations.

STEVEN
I know I'm breaking the rules, but come
have dinner with me tonight to celebrate.

ROBIN
I don't think we should.

STEVEN
Come on, this is the biggest day of my
career.

ROBIN
Don't put me in this position.

STEVEN
What position? I want to share this with
you.

ROBIN
(feeling pressured)
I love you, but I need to take some time
on my own to see how I feel. You agreed
to this. I mean… this is exactly why we
broke up, because you never listen to me.

STEVE
What? Now we're broken up? What
happened to 'trial separation?'

ROBIN
I can't get into this now. If you haven't
noticed, I'm at work.

STEVE
Sorry to disturb you.

He turns to leave.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

ROBIN
(sincerely)
Steven. Congratulations. I know how
much this means to you. You deserve it.

STEVEN
Thanks.

He leaves.

17	OMITTED

17A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SIX-THIRTY P.M.

Steven is watching television. He looks lonely and depressed. He clicks around in a daze, never 
stopping for more than a second.

He hears a horn honking outside.

CABLE GUY (OS)
Steven!!!! Stev-ey!!!! Let's go!!!!

ON THE TV - A commercial for Medieval Times Restaurant.

Steven walks over to the window and sees The Cable Guy standing in front of his van, leaning in 
his window honking the horn.

CABLE GUY
Steven!!!!
(waves)
Hey buddy!!! Come on down!!!

Steven waves and then steps back from the window. He doesn't know what to do. He looks at the 
television.

ON THE TV - The local news.

REPORTER
Coming up next a special report,
"Loneliness, America's Silent Killer."

Steven looks back out the window and sees the Cable Guy smiling and waving for him to come 
down.

STEVEN
(begins walking to the door)
What the hell.

18	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK

Steven walks from his apartment to the customized van. On the side of the white van it says, "The 
Cable Company - Get Wired Today."

STEVEN
How's it going?

CABLE GUY
Howdy partner. Climb aboard.

Steven gets in.

19	INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The van drives onto the main boulevard.

CABLE GUY
Thanks for coming out. You know most
people think cable is just a simple co-ax
that comes out of the wall. They never
take the time to understand how it works.

STEVEN
Where exactly are we goin?

CABLE GUY
We're going to take a ride on the
information superhighway.

20	EXT. CITY - DUSK

Birds eye P.O.V., shot follows the Cable Guy's van as it drives through the city.

CABLE GUY
…It all started in Lansford,
Pennsylvania where Panther Valley
Television, with the assistance of Jerrod
Electronics, created the first cable
television system.

The van drives up into the hills, finally revealing a huge satellite dish on top of a small mountain, 
overlooking the entire city.

CABLE GUY
I went to Lansford once. It's the Cable
Guy's Mecca. It was very emotional.

21	EXT. WOODED AREA - DUSK

Steven and the Cable Guy get out of the van, and walk down a trail.

CABLE GUY
I come here to think sometimes. To clear
my head.

They turn a corner and the satellite dish is right in front of them. It is enormous. Next to it is a 
one-hundred and fifty foot antenna. Next to that is a small fenced-in shack where the satellite's 
controls are located.

CABLE GUY
There she is. Right now she's sending
entertainment and information to millions
of satisfied citizens.

STEVEN
That's pretty impressive.

CABLE GUY
See, I knew the moment I met you that
you would appreciate this.

The Cable Guy runs to the dish. A few seconds later he appears inside of it.

CABLE GUY
(with wonder)
The future is now. Soon every American
home will integrate their television,
phone, and computer. You'll be able to
visit the Louvre on one channel, and
watch female mud wrestling on
another. You can do your shopping at
home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend
in Vietnam. There's no end to the
possibilities.
(waves to Steven)
Come on up! What are you waiting for?!

22	INT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Steven are lying in the middle of the dish, looking up at the night sky.

CABLE GUY
Sometimes I'll sit here and imagine that
there are billions of bits of information
surging through me.

STEVEN
I've watched a lot of TV in my life. I
guess I've always taken it for granted.

CABLE GUY
When I was a kid my mom worked nights.
Never met dad. But the old TV was always
there for me.

STEVEN
I know what you mean. My dad was there,
but he might as well have been gone. My
mom is a stewardess. She was always out
of town.

CABLE GUY
(moved)
That's tough. You must have a lot of
abandonment issues. Reality isn't "Father
Knows Best," it's a kick in the face on
Saturday night. But what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?

STEVEN
(tentative)
You know my brother's a speech therapist.

The Cable Guy sits up. He looks angry.

CABLE GUY
So?

There is a long silence. Steven doesn't know how to react.

STEVEN
Never mind.

The Cable Guy sits back down and pretends Steven never mentioned it.

CABLE GUY
(beat)
So, you're pretty love struck about your
lady, huh?

STEVEN
I miss her. I asked her to marry me, and
she asked me to move out.

CABLE GUY
I hate that.

STEVEN
She said she felt pressured. Can you
believe that?

CABLE GUY
Women are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? I
don't think you listen to her. I think
you try to tell her what she wants to
hear. She wants you to thirst for
knowledge about who she is. All the
complicated splendor that is woman. When
your love is truly giving, it will come
back to you ten-fold.

STEVEN
You're right. That is remarkably
insightful.

CABLE GUY
Yeah, it was Jerry Springer's final
thought on Friday's show.

23	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

The van pulls up in front of Steven's apartment building.

CABLE GUY
You know what? Women are suckers for
"Sleepless in Seattle." It's on HBO this
month. That's your bait right there.

STEVEN
Robin loves that movie.

CABLE GUY
They all do. Next time you talk to her
tell her you're cooking yourself dinner,
and watching it by yourself. Sound like
you're happier than a pig in shit.
She'll come running. Betcha. Then just
play it cool.

STEVEN
Maybe I will.

Steven gets out of the car.

STEVEN
Thanks a lot. I'm embarrassed to say
this, but I don't know your name. What
is it?

CABLE GUY
(touched)
You really want to know my name? You do?
Really? It's Ernie Douglas. But my
friends call me Chip.

STEVEN
I'll see ya' Chip.

Before he can exit the van, the Cable Guy is staring him in the eyes.

CABLE GUY
Let's just remember right now. You know
some people walk through their entire
lives and never find a true friend.
(long pause)
I guess we're the lucky ones.

(End Revised - Pink)

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - The Cable Guy is in slow motion. He blinks once.

STEVEN
Uh… good-bye.

CABLE GUY
Later buddy. I'll catch ya' on the
flip side.

Steven exits the van feeling a little uncomfortable.

24	INT. COFFEEHOUSE - NEXT DAY

Steven and Robin are talking. Robin does not look happy to see him.

STEVEN
I don't listen to you. I pretend to
understand but I'm really just saying
what I think you want to hear. So from
now on I'm going to try my best to listen
more because I do love you and am
interested in learning about every detail
about the complicated splendor that is
you.

Robin looks at him, somewhat shocked.

ROBIN
Oh.

STEVEN
I want us to get back together, but I can
see why taking this time might be good
for us. So, I'm not mad.

After a long beat, Robin smiles.

ROBIN
Sometimes time apart is healthy.

STEVEN
You're right. Well, that's what I came
here to say. Look, I've got to get back
to the office.

He starts getting up.

ROBIN
So, are you doing anything tomorrow?

STEVEN
I'm just going to cook myself dinner and
watch a movie. "Sleepless in Seattle" is
on cable.

ROBIN
Really?

STEVEN
If you're around you should drop by and
check out the new apartment.

ROBIN
Okay, maybe I will.

He exits the room. As he does we see a television broadcasting the Sweet case.

ON MTV - Sam Sweet sits behind the defendant's table. TABITHA SOREN is giving the news 
update.

TABITHA SOREN
Today in the Sam Sweet case the
prosecution played the 911 call that Sam
Sweet made the night he murdered his
brother. Keep in mind, he confessed one
month later.

The courtroom listens to a 911 phone call. The transcription is seen on the screen.

SAM SWEET V ON THE TAPE
(crying and babbling)
Hello, please send help. My twin brother
has been shot.

911 OPERATOR
Slow down sir. What happened?

SAM SWEET
Oh my god, they shot him with a shot gun
four times. I mean I think it was a
shotgun. Who would do such a thing?! I
think it was an Asian gang or something.
They were speaking some other language.

Sam leans over and whispers something in his lawyer's ear.

TABITHA SOREN
Hmm. Who indeed? Coming up next, a rare
interview with Michael Jackson's zoo-
keeper.

25	INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

Steven is playing a pick-up, full court basketball game with some of his friends. It is a competitive, 
but friendly game. Steven is on skins, Rick is on shirts.

STEVEN
Here, here, here.

A player passes to Steven. Rick is covering him. Steven drives to the basket and puts in a lay up.

RICK
(to himself)
Shit! My fault! My fault!

STEVEN
Not your fault. I'm in the zone. There
is no stopping me today.

Play begins again. A player named JEFF takes the ball out, then passes to a heavy-set player who 
catches the ball, then drives to the basket. When he does he twists his ankle, dropping the ball. The 
ball rolls out of bounds into a dark corner of the gym. We follow it as it rolls on the ground until it 
hits a man's sneaker. A pair of hands pick up the ball. The camera tilts up the man's body. It is the 
Cable Guy. He is holding another ball. He starts dribbling the two balls in a circular pattern.

CABLE GUY
Hey, you guys play here, too? Cool. I
was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd
run the court for a couple of innings.

RICK
(gestures to injured player)
Great. We need another man.

STEVEN
This is… Chip Douglas… my cable guy.

Rick smiles in recognition.

CABLE GUY
We met about a week ago during a routine
installation, but I feel like I've known
him my whole life.

Steven can't believe this is happening.

RICK
Oh really. That's sweet. All right Chip
Douglas, you're on shirts. Let's play.

CABLE GUY
No, I want to be on Steven's team. I'm
skins.

The Cable Guy quickly takes off his shirt. Steven looks shocked because underneath his clothes he 
is rippled with muscles. The dichotomy between his nerdy face, and his awesome physique is 
scary.

JEFF
I don't care, I'll be shirts. Let's just
play.

CABLE GUY
Wait a sec'. I've got to warm up.

The Cable Guy starts running wind sprints across the court, touching all the main lines. Everyone 
stares at him until he finishes.

CABLE GUY
Let's get it on!

STEVEN
Are you any good?

CABLE GUY
Feed me under the boards and you'll find
out.

Play begins. The shirts inbound to Jeff. The Cable Guy is all over him, covering him as tightly as 
humanly possible. He keeps his hands near Jeff's face, whacks him in the back as he dribbles, etc. 
He couldn't be more annoying. Jeff passes to Rick who drives to the basket and puts up a shot 
which goes in. Rick and Jeff slap hands.

CABLE GUY
(doing the traveling hand signal)
Traveling! That's traveling!

RICK
Yeah, whatever you say Chip.

Everyone runs down the court, ignoring him.

CABLE GUY
All right, so we're playing that type of
game. Prison rules. I get it.

Steven takes the ball out. The cable Guy runs around the court, attempting to get open. He criss 
crosses all over the court.

CABLE GUY
Feed me the rock! Feed me the rock! I'm
open!

Steven passes to the Cable Guy, who drives to the basket, pushing Jeff out of the way in the 
process. The ball goes in.

CABLE GUY
(does the foul hand signal)
And one! That's definitely a foul!
(to Jeff)
You want to mug me, my wallet is in my
other pants.

STEVEN
(to Cable Guy)
What are you doing?

CABLE GUY
Don't play from fear Steven. We can take
these guys.

MUSIC UP - SLOW MOTION - STEVEN'S P.O.V.

a. The shirts put a shot which doesn't go in. The Cable Guy swings his elbows wildly as he pulls it 
down.
b. The Cable Guy drives to the basket in slow motion violently taking down two men, including 
Rick.
c. Rick drives to the basket. On his way he fakes out Steven who falls to the floor. Rick scores. 
The Cable guy helps Steven up. As the Cable Guy walks across the court he bangs shoulders 
with Rick.
d. The cable Guy passes the ball to Steven, then sets a nasty pick against Rick, who goes down 
hard.

CABLE GUY
Take it to the hole!

Steven is so un-nerved by the Cable Guy's behavior that he misses a simple lay up. Steven grabs 
his own rebound. When he puts up a second shot, Rick gently fouls him. Steven stumbles to the 
ground. The ball does not go in.

CABLE GUY
Hey, are you okay?

He pulls Steven up.

STEVEN
Yeah. I'm fine.

CABLE GUY
Let's switch. I'll cover Rick.

The cable Guy gets in Rick's face and gives him a death stare.

Steven takes out the ball. He passes to a teammate who passes it to the Cable Guy who drives to 
the basket, then literally steps on Rick's back and leaps into the air and dunks the ball.

RICK
(enraged)
What the hell was that? That's it. I've
had enough.

Everyone begins to exit the court.

JEFF
Thanks for bringing your "friend".

The Cable Guy runs up to Rick.

CABLE GUY
Good game.
(slaps Rick on the butt)
You were tough out there. Your play
brought me up to a higher level. I mean
that.

RICK
(dismissive)
Yeah.

He shakes his head and exits with the rest of the players.

STEVEN
What are you doing?

CABLE GUY
It was payback time. I was protecting
you.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

STEVEN
You ruined the game.

CABLE GUY
I don't appreciate your tone Steven.
That's not the way friends speak to each
other.

STEVEN
What are you talking about? I don't even
know you!

CABLE GUY
Well let's fix that. Let me buy you a
Heineken?

STEVEN
No, I'm going home.

Steven turns to leave.

CABLE GUY
Well, uh, I guess we'll talk later. I've
got to go shower up and do some stuff.
I'll call you if I get a chance. Or you
call me… or something.

The Cable guy puts his hand up for Steven to high five. Steven slaps it halfheartedly. Then the 
cable guy extends his palm out low by his knee.

CABLE GUY
And down low.

Steven stares at it for a beat. The cable Guy waits. He'll wait as long as it takes. Finally Steven 
gives him a low five just so he can leave.

CABLE GUY
(pulls his hand away so Steven misses it)
Too slow. Have a good one.

STEVEN
(as he walks away)
Yeah, have a good one.

26	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT NIGHT

Steven runs in with a small bag of groceries. He is dressed for a date. He pulls out a bottle of 
wine. He opens the oven, and checks on dinner. It is almost ready. Then he checks his message 
machine as he prepares the meal. He begins chopping an onion.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

MESSAGE VOICE
You have eleven messages.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
(ON THE MACHINE)
Steven, it's mom. Give me a call. I'm
still your mother.

STEVEN'S FATHER
(ON THE MACHINE)
I'm getting on. Steven call your mother.

CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
Hey Steven. Just checking in. Give me a
ring. I'm at 555-4329.
(beep)
What's up Steven? I'm at a pay phone. If
you're there pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Okay, I'll be home later. I'll talk to
you then.

Steven stops chopping.

CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
(beep)
Okay I'm home now. Give me a buzz when
you get in. I'll be here pretty much all
night. Bye.
(beep tone)
Hey Steven. Quick question, give me a
call when you get a chance.
(beep tone)
I was just taking a whiz, thought you
might have called. Okay later.
(beep tone)
Sorry, I had call waiting, didn't get to
it, thought it might have been you. All
right, bye.

Steven is beginning to get a little wigged out by this. He fast forwards through a sampling of the 
rest of the calls.

CABLE GUY
(fast forwards)
…We're having ourselves quite a little
game of phone tag here. You're it!
(fast forwards)
…I was just blow drying my hair and I
thought I heard the phone ringing.
(fast forwards)
…you're a tough man to reach.
(fast forwards)
I guess you're too busy to call your
friends.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

Steven fast forwards the machine. All he hears is sighing. Then –

CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
(long beat - then quiet and distant)
Shit.

The doorbell rings. Steven takes a deep breath then opens the door. It is Robin. She is dressed 
casually, but looks beautiful.

STEVEN
Hey, good to see you.

There is an awkward moment where Steven intentionally doesn't kiss her hello.

STEVEN
Come on in. What do you think of the
place?

She looks at the odd placement of furniture.

ROBIN
You made some interesting choices laying
out the room.

STEVEN
(embarrassed)
That's actually where the movers put the
furniture. I'm gonna change it, very 
soon.

ROBIN
No, I like it.

27	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

The food is all eaten. Steven and Robin are sitting on the couch having an awkward conversation.

ROBIN
So how's work?

STEVEN
Work's good.

ROBIN
How's Hal?

STEVEN
Don't get me started. That guy has no
vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.
He's just worthless.

ROBIN
It's just great that you're getting to do
it. It's a real step up.

STEVEN
I know. Now if only someone at corporate
smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I
could really get some stuff done.

ROBIN
It's nice to see you doing so well.

STEVEN
Well, it's nice just to see you.
(looks at his watch)
Hey, it should be starting.

They sit on the couch. Robin moves to sit in closer to Steven. Steven turns on the television. The 
screen is filled with white noise. The sound is loud static. He changes channels looking for the 
signal. Then fumbles with the remote control as he attempts to lower the volume.

STEVEN
Damn cable is out. Son of a bitch.

ROBIN
It's alright. We can watch it another
night.

STEVEN
No, no. We really should see it now.
Now's a good time.

He plays with the remote, hoping it will magically come back. It doesn't.

STEVEN
Wait, wait. I know what to do.

He walks over to the phone, then pulls the Cable Guy's beeper number out of his wallet. He dials 
it, then presses the number in.

STEVEN
The Cable Guy's a friend of mine. I'll
just page him. We'll have this fixed in
no time.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

Steven dials the Cable Guy's beeper number into the phone. The moment he is finished dialing –

THERE IS A KNOCK - THE CAMERA WHIP PANS TO THE DOOR

Steven walks to the door and opens it. Standing there is the Cable Guy looking dark and 
disturbed, different than we've ever seen him before. Steven is startled.

STEVEN
That was… fast.

CABLE GUY
Is there a problem with your service?

STEVEN
Yeah… my cable went out.

Steven pushes him out into the hall.

CABLE GUY
Really?

The Cable Guy holds up a cut cable cord.

CABLE GUY
So you called me. Interesting how you
call when you need something. Is that how
you treat people?

STEVEN
I've been really busy. You've got to get
my cable going, Robin is here. This is
really important.

He peeks in to get a look at Robin. They make momentary eye contact. Steven pushes him back 
out.

CABLE GUY
But calling me back isn't?

STEVEN
I'm sorry. Please, you've got to help me.

CABLE GUY
Why should I help you? I gave you free
cable. What have you ever done for me?

STEVEN
Anything you want. Name it – quickly.

CABLE GUY
Tomorrow night, we hang out.

STEVEN
Fine, whatever you want.

CABLE GUY
God bless you. You're too good to me.

The Cable Guy walks over to a fuse type box, turns one knob, then walks back to Steven.

CABLE GUY
(loud-normally)
All set.

STEVEN
So what's with the cut cord?

CABLE GUY
(nonchalantly)
That's for effect. See ya' tomorrow
Steven.
(conspiratorially)
She's pretty. And don't kiss her. Don't
even touch her. Fight the urge at all
costs. It will pay off later with…

He makes a motion which implies sex.

CABLE GUY
Enjoy the flick.

The Cable Guy walks away. Steven walks back inside.

ROBIN
Who was that?

STEVEN
Nobody.

Steven sits down next to Robin. Robin moves next to him. Steven looks very happy.

28	ON THE TV

A scene from the film "Sleepless in Seattle."

The camera pulls out and reveals the Cable Guy watching the film in the back of his van – alone. 
We cannot see much of the inside of the van because the only light is that of the television, but we 
can tell that he lives there.

29	(SCENE 29 OMITTED)

30	EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSK

The Cable Guy and Steven walk across a parking lot. Steven has his eyes closed.

CABLE GUY
Sorry about yesterday. I was in kind of
a weird mood. How'd things go with you?
Keep 'em closed.

STEVEN
Pretty well. We'll see. Look, about the
other night. I didn't appreciate you --

CABLE GUY
Don't peek. I want this to be a
surprise.

STEVEN
I really don't need to be surprised.
Where are we going?

CABLE GUY
Only the best restaurant in town.

They walk around a corner.

CABLE GUY
Okay, here we are. Open sesame.

Steven opens his eyes.

The camera moves behind then and reveals an enormous faux castle with a big sign on it which 
says "MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT."

STEVEN
Medieval Times?

CABLE GUY
I know what you're thinking. Don't
worry, I'm buying.

31	INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER

The Cable Guy and Steven are walking to their table. All the seating overlooks a large, circular 
arena, the kind a rodeo is held in. The entire restaurant/arena is designed in Medieval themed 
decor. All of the staff are dressed as knights, sorcerers, royalty, etc.

(Revision Ends - Pink)

STEVEN
Funny. I never thought I would ever
come here.

CABLE GUY
I love this place. I come here twice a
week.

A Hispanic woman with a large butt walks by. The Cable Guy is transfixed.

CABLE GUY
Oh man, that's my look. I love big
butts. Ow, that hurts.

He grabs his crotch and squeezes, as if it's the only way he can control himself.

CABLE GUY
There oughta be a law. Man she is hot.
It's just not fair.

STEVEN
(gestures to him squeezing his crotch)
Please don't.

CABLE GUY
You know what I need right now? Pooooon
tang. And I'm not talking about the
place in Vietnam.

STEVEN
Good to know.

They sit down. The WAITRESS walks over. She is dressed in peroid clothes, but is not 
enthusiastic about her job.

WAITRESS
(flatly)
Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is
Melinda. I'll be your serving wench.
May I get you something from the bar
keep?

CABLE GUY
(too into it)
Dost thou have a mug of ale for me
and me mate? He has been pitched in
battle for a fortnight an has a King's
thirst for the beer thust thou might have
for thust.

WAITRESS
(uninspired)
I'll be right back my lord.

The Cable Guy puts something together.

CABLE GUY
There you go.

He hands Steven a paper crown. They both put theirs on.

STEVEN
Thanks for the help.

The Cable Guy sees something. His eyes widen.

CABLE GUY
Steven, don't turn around, but there is a
woman eyeing you like you are a piece of
meat and she hasn't eaten in a week.

Steven acts like he isn't interested, but he is.

STEVEN
Really? What does she look like?

CABLE GUY
Shoe's a hottie. I wish she was checking
me out. Man -- she is on fire! Total
robo-babe.

STEVEN
Are you serious?

CABLE GUY
Don't look.

STEVEN
I've got to look.

CABLE GUY
Okay, but play it cool. Just turn like
you are looking for the waitress.

Steven puts up his hand, and turns as if he's going to call for the waitress. He sees the woman. She 
is in her sixties, and probably wasn't attractive at any stage of her life. Steven turns back to the 
cable Guy, annoyed.

CABLE GUY
Ha-ha. I'm just messing with your mind.
But you fell for it man. You are one
horny Indian Chief.

STEVEN
(not laughing)
You got me.

CABLE GUY
So what did you want to rap about?

The trumpets go off, the lights go down and the show begins.

CABLE GUY
Hold that thought. Show's on.

The Cable Guy turns and looks at a stage that stands at one end above the arena.

32	ON THE STAGE - A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE ALAN RICKMAN IN "ROBIN 
HOOD" SPEAKS TO THE CROWD

HOST
Welcome to a magnificent journey into the
past. This is Medieval Times!

The entire crowd, filled completely with white trash tourists, applauds.

HOST
Are you prepapred for a night of feasting
and sport the likes of which ye will
never forget?!

The audience applauds.

HOST
I charge you to stand up on your feet and
cheer for your section's knight!

ON THE STANDS - Each section of the crowd is painted a color that corresponds with a knight. 
The Cable Guy stands up and cheers like he is at a wrestling match. Steven remains seated.

CABLE GUY
Let the games begin! The Red Knight
rules! Blue Knight! You're going down!
Going down!

An embarrassed Steven applauds politely. The Cable Guy sits down.

33	INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER

ON THE FLOOR - In the center of the room two Knights are fighting with swords while on 
horseback.

ON STEVEN AND THE CABLE GUY - They are eating whole chickens with their bare hands 
while watching the show.

STEVEN
(to the Watiress)
Could I get a knife and fork?

WAITRESS
There were no utensils in Medieval Times,
so there are no utensils at 'Medieval
Times.' Do you want a refill on that
Pepsi?

STEVEN
There were no utensils, but there was
Pepsi?

WAITRESS
Look, I have a lot of tables to get to.

The waitress exits.

CABLE GUY
(stands up - yells to the competitors)
Spill his blood! Take his kead! Show no
mercy!

The two knights fight with swords. After a few moments of battle the Red Knight wins.

The crowd erupts. The Cable Guy goes crazy.

CABLE GUY
(to Steven)
Come on, get into it, we won!

Releuctantly, Steven stands up and applauds.

STEVEN
(halfheartedly)
Way to go Red Knight. Good job of
killing. Good work.

Steven and the Cable Guy sit down.

CABLE GUY
So, what were you saying before?

STEVEN
(tentatively)
How do I put this? I've really enjoyed
hanging out with you, but...

CABLE GUY
That's why I became a cable guy. To make
friends like you. Every time I walk up to
a new door, that door is a possibility
for friendship. When I walked in your
apartment I knew there was something
there. I just knew it.

STEVEN
(sotto)
Oh lord.
(tries to get back on track)
I want you to know --

The lights change. Trumpets play a fanfare. The host walks out onto the stage, interrupting 
Steven.

HOST
We have reached the climax of our
competition good people! Now, two noble
men from our audience will battle to the
death to resolve a grievance. Will a
Master...
(looks at his clipboard)
Steven M. Bartowsky and Lord Ernie
Douglas make you way to the fighting
pit!

A spotlight shines on them. Steven is shocked.

STEVEN
What's going on?

CABLE GUY
We're going to do battle. It'll be fun.

STEVEN
Is this a normal part of the show?

CABLE GUY
No, but I give all the Knights free
cable. They said it would be cool if we
just went at it for a little while.

Two PIMPLY FACED SERFS from the show come and lead them away.

STEVEN
Is this safe?

CABLE GUY
That's what the armor's for.

34	INT. FIGHTING PIT - LATER

Steven and the Cable Guy are being dressed in armor by the two serfs. The Cable Guy could not 
be happier. Steven is freaked out.

STEVEN
What are we supposed to do? We've got to
be careful we don't hurt each other.

The Cable Guy doesn't answer him. He has his game face on.

CABLE GUY
I cannot listen to any of your
instructions for you are my sworn enemy,
and are about to meet your demise.

Before Steven can answer him the trumpets blare.

HOST
Let the battle begin. Come now people,
let me hear your voices!

The crowd cheers. Music plays. The serfs hand them each a sword and shield, then walk them to 
the center of the pit.

The Cable Guy crouches in a war-like position. He begins to circle Steven like a cat. Steven 
mirrors him, not sure of what to do.

STEVEN
Just take it easy.

The Cable Guy runs at Steven, and swings his sword. In fear, Steven puts his shield over his head. 
The sword smashes into it sending sparks into the air. The Cable Guy darts toward Steven and 
pokes him several times with his sword. Each time Steven blocks it with either his sword or his 
shield.

STEVEN
(enraged)
What are you doing?!

CABLE GUY
(matter of fact)
I'm trying to kill you.

The Cable Guy grabs a mace (a stick with a chain and ball attached to it) off of a weapon filled 
wall and runs at Steven, swinging with abandon. Steven blocks the deadly mace with his shield.

STEVEN
Hey, watch it!

The Cable Guy leaps onto Steven. Then he speaks into his ear as he pushes him down onto the 
ground.

CABLE GUY
This is just like when Spock had to fight
Kirk on 'Star Trek.' Best friends forced
to do battle.

Steven gets angry and pushes the Cable Guy off of him. He swings at the Cable Guy with his 
sword, just missing him. The Cable Guy rolls on the ground and pops back up in the air.

CABLE GUY
That's the spirit. Let's give 'em a good
show.

Steven charges at the Cable Guy, swinging wildly. It is a real battle now. He bangs away at the 
Cable Guy's mace until he knocks it out of his hands. The Cable Guy runs backwards, then falls on 
the ground.

By the look in his eyes we can tell that the Cable Guy's feelings are hurt.

CABLE GUY
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All
right. If you want to play rought, Daddy
can play rough.

The Cable Guy charges at Steven with his shield. He upper cuts the shield to Steven's face, 
sending him to the ground.

The Cable Guy runs to the wall and grabs a huge battle ax, a four foot long stick with a fancy 
silver blade on the end of it. He swings it in circles like a Japanese master. Steven grabs a similar 
weapon, and then begin to circle each other.

STEVEN
Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop
it!

CABLE GUY
The name is Spock. If we don't battle to
the death, they'll kill us both. Good-bye
Jim.

He swings his sword, and they battle 'Star Trek' style. The Cable Guy begins to sing the "Star Trek 
Battle Music" as they fight.

STEVEN
This isn't 'Star Trek!'

MUSIC UP: STAR TREK BATTLE MUSIC

They bang the handles of their battle axes together, jockeying for position. The Cable Guy pushes 
Steven away from him, then takes a huge swing, but Steven leaps in the air over the blade. The 
Cable Guy swings over his head, and Steven blocks it with his ax handle. They continue to swing 
and roll in a vicious battle.

Then the Cable Guy takes a swing which Steven is unable to block. The battle ax cuts through part 
of Steven's protection.
STEVEN
(looking down)
Jesus.

The Cable Guy runs to a horses' entrance. There is a long pause, and then we hear the sound of 
pounding horse hooves. A moment later the Cable Guy rides out on a horse holding a jousting 
stick.

The show's host runs up to Steven.

HOST
Quickly, muster a top your steed.
(Steven doesn't move - the host drops character)
Get on the god damn horse! I don't think
he's kidding!

Left with no choice, Steven jumps on a horse and grabs a joust. The host smacks Steven's horse 
sending it straight toward the charging Cable Guy.
STEVEN
Don't do this!
CABLE GUY
Jim, we have no choice!
STEVEN
Oh my god.

They run toward each other. A horrible game of chicken. Neither gives in. When they reach one 
another Steven knocks the Cable Guy off his horse with his jousting stick.
The Cable Guy flies through the air, lands on his back. Steven rides to him. Jumps off his horse, 
throws off his helmet.
STEVEN
(concerned)
Are you okay?

The Cable Guy sits up and smile at him.
CABLE GUY
Well done good sir. You are the victor,
but we shall meet again.

The two serfs put Steven on a chair connected to two poles. They carry him to the center of the 
arena in victory. The crowd cheers wildly. Steven feels the adrenaline rush. He holds up his arms 
in triumph, and smiles.
DISSOLVE TO LATER:
35	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
They are walking up the stairs.
CABLE GUY
You've got a real warrior's instinct.
STEVEN
I've got to admit there's a real feeling
of power holding that jousting stick.
CABLE GUY
If Robin saw you tonight, she would be
begging you to take her back. I'm
telling you these knights get laid all
the time.
STEVEN
We should go again next week.
CABLE GUY
Easy there Lancelot.

Steven opens the door to his apartment.
36	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Steven pops into the kitchen and hits a button on his answering machine.
MACHINE
You have zero messages.
CABLE GUY
Nobody loves ya.
(grabs a beer from the fridge)
Hey, I think I left my staple gun in the
living room the other day. Could you be
a pal?

Steven walks to the living room.
36AA	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steven turns on the lights.
CABLE GUY
What do you think?

Steven's entire stereo system and TV have been replaced with a sixty-five inch television, laser disc 
player, karaoke machine and a brand new stereo system. All top of the line.
STEVEN
What is this?
CABLE GUY
I took the liberty of updating your in
home entertainment system. I got you the
big screen, plus THX quality sound that
would make George Lucas cream in his
pants.
STEVEN
You went in my house when I wasn't home?
CABLE GUY
How else was I supposed to get the stuff
in here? Magic?
STEVEN
How much did this cost?
CABLE GUY
Practically nothing. I have a connection.
Preferred customer. I hook him up, he
hooks me up.
STEVEN
Look, I can't accept this. I wouldn't
feel right.
CABLE GUY
Yes but you give me something so much
more valuable… friendship.
STEVEN
And you've given me friendship, so we're
even.
(beat)
Really, don't take it personally, but
you've got to take it back.
CABLE GUY
(sadly)
Well, my buddy with the pick-up truck
works all week. Is it all right if I
leave it here till Saturday?
STEVEN
(guilty)
Sure, no problem. And don't get me
wrong. I really appreciate the gesture.
CABLE GUY
Mm-hmm.
(beat)
Staple gun?
STEVEN
Oh, right.

Steven picks up the staple gun. The Cable Guy pulls out a leather pouch. Steven drops the staple 
gun in the pouch. The Cable Guy never touches it.
36A	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
Steven dials the phone. On his computer screen a graphic reads "HELLO STEVEN - HAVE A 
WONDERFUL DAY."
STEVEN
(into the phone)
Robin, it's Steven again. I'm still
trying to reach you. Okay, I'm at work.
Call me.

He hangs up. He is getting frustrated. The door opens. Hal Daniels sticks his head in, but does not 
enter.
MR. DANIELS
How's it going?
STEVEN
Good.
MR. DANIELS
(long beat)
Good good?
STEVEN
Great.
MR. DANIELS
Good. Keep it up.

He leaves. The phone rings.
SECRETARY
(through the intercom)
Robin on line two.

Steven lights up. He takes a deep breath, then answers the phone.
STEVEN
Hey, I had the best time the other night.
When am I going to get you on my couch
again?

36B	INT. VAN - DAY
The Cable Guy is driving around. He speaks on a cellular phone.
CABLE GUY
Well tonight's not looking too good. How
about tomorrow?
STEVEN
Chip?
CABLE GUY
I knew I'd get you on the phone that way.
Listen, that equipment will be history
the day after tomorrow. It sure would be
a pity to leave that karaoke machine a
virgin.
STEVEN
What do you mean?
CABLE GUY
Tomorrow night, you are having a karaoke
jam. No ifs ands or buts. Well maybe a
few butts. Later gator.

37	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SATURDAY NIGHT
CLOSE UP - AN OLD MAN'S FACE INTENSELY SINGING "AMERICAN WOMAN."
We pull out to reveal we are in Steven's living room. It is populated with about twenty odd 
looking misfits mingling and dancing to the music. Among them we see Rick looking very 
uncomfortable.
37AA	INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Steven is on the phone. He is dressed up. Occasionally a misfit enters and grabs a drink from the 
fridge.
STEVEN
Hey Robin. What's up? Did you get my
message?

37A	INT. - ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUT
The scene intercuts between the two locations. Robin is dressed up, and on her way out.
ROBIN
Yes. You left me five messages. It king
of freaked me out.
STEVEN
Sorry. I've been trying to reach you
'cause I'm having a party.
You've got to come over.
ROBIN
(listens for a beat)
I can't. I'm going to dinner with
someone.
STEVEN
Dinner? What, like a date?
ROBIN
Not really a date.
STEVEN
You've got a date?! I thought things
were going well between us.
ROBIN
They are.
STEVEN
So why are you going out on a date?
ROBIN
I made it before we got together the
other night. I knew you would freak out.
STEVEN
I'm not freaking out.
ROBIN
Yes, you are freaking out.
STEVEN
I'm not. I just can't believe you would
do this.
ROBIN
I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm allowed
to date. It's not like we're back
together. We had a good time the other
night, and you're already pressuring me.
STEVEN
(pissy)
Fine, enjoy yourself. Have fun.
ROBIN
I will.
STEVEN
Fine. Bye.

Steven hangs up the phone. The Cable Guy appears, and hands him a beer.
CABLE GUY
This is just a sign that you need to live
a little. She's having fun, and you
should too.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
STEVEN
You're probably right.
CABLE GUY
Damn right I'm right.
STEVEN
Oh, I got you a little something.

He hands a box to the Cable Guy.
CABLE GUY
I thought you said we were even. You're
breaking the rules.
STEVEN
So shoot me.

He opens it. The box says, "Lose Your Lisp in Thirty Days." The Cable Guy is so moved he 
cannot speak.
STEVEN
My brother said it might help with your
lisp.

The Cable Guy looks Steven in the eye for a long beat, then hugs him hard.
CABLE GUY
Words cannot express…
(he is too moved to finish his sentence)
STEVEN
It's no big deal.
CABLE GUY
Yes it is.

He stares at Steven until it makes him uncomfortable.
CABLE GUY
Now I'm on a mission. This has got to be
the best party ever! Let's rock.

37B	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
They walk into the living room. A sad looking OLDER MAN is singing "Superfreak." Everyone's 
having fun. We see a couple of off duty policemen in uniform mingling with the crowd.
(Revision Ends - Blue)
STEVEN
You've got plenty of friends.
CABLE GUY
These people are acquaintances. They're
not ride to the airport friends, like us.
(sees something)
Whoa, chick alert at three o'clock. A
real barn burner. Don't look.
STEVEN
You're playing with me again.
CABLE GUY
No sirree Steven. This woman is all over
you like a lamp-shade.
STEVEN
Shut up.

He turns and sees a stunning woman standing in the middle of a group of male and female misfits. 
When he looks at her, she smiles. He quickly turns back.
CABLE GUY
Did it just get hotter in here?
(grabs his crotch)
Oh, that hurts.
STEVEN
Who'd she come with?
CABLE GUY
I don't know, but she looks pretty
available to me. I'd strike while the
iron is hot. He who hesitates,
masturbates, know what I'm saying?

ANGLE ON
A nerdy, balding man walks over to Rick.
ODD MAN
He sure can throw a party. Chip's an
incredible man. I really admire him.
RICK
Where do you know him from?
ODD MAN
He hooked up my cable. Didn't charge me
either. That's the kind of guy he is.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
ANGLE ON
Steven slowly walks over to the pretty woman.
STEVEN
Hey. I'm Steven.
WOMAN
Heather.
STEVEN
Can I get you something to drink?
HEATHER
Sure. I'll have a shot of tequila if you
will.
STEVEN
Coming right up.

37C	INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
AT THE KARAOKE AREA - Steven and Heather are singing "You're the One that I Want" from 
"Grease." They are both drunk, and having a great time.
The Cable Guy walks over to Rick.
CABLE GUY
I'm glad you accepted my invitation.
RICK
Steven invited me.

The Cable Guy looks at Steven and Heather.
CABLE GUY
Look at him. Have you ever seen him so
alive? He's changing, Rick. You've got
to learn to live with that.
RICK
I don't know what your story is "Chip
Douglas," but I'm going to find out.
CABLE GUY
Oooh. How dramatic.

The song ends. Rick walks away. He waves to Steven as he heads out. Steven runs over to him.
RICK
I'm getting out of here.
STEVEN
(drunk)
Why? This is a great party. This girl
is really into me.
RICK
You're whacked man. That guy is bad
news.
STEVEN
You don't even know him. You're just mad
'cause he kicked your ass in basketball.
RICK
I can't even deal. I'm outta here.

ON THE CABLE GUY - At the karaoke area. He speaks into the microphone.

CABLE GUY
Hello everyone. First of all I'd like to
thank Steven for being such a terific
host.

Steven smiles, and does a half wave to everyone as they applaud.

CABLE GUY
Don't forget to kick in some spinach for
the beer. Steven ain't made of money.
And I expect some of you to join in the
clean up crew.

OFF DUTY COP
Sing something! Do a song!

CABLE GUY
(false coyness)
No… I really couldn't.

ODD MAN
Come on! Do your song!

CABLE GUY
Okay, just to stop that guy from begging.
This number is dedicated to all of the
ladies in the house.

He puts on a Janet Jackson type microphone, then breaks into a fast paced rap of the song "Bust A 
Move," accompanied by elaborate dance moves.

CABLE GUY
(rapping)
(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

During the musical break the Cable Guy begins to break dance. He knows all the moves. The 
robot, the spider, the crab. He looks like a deranged cast member or "Electric Boogaloo." The 
guests go crazy.

ANGLE ON STEVEN AND HEATHER

STEVEN
You sounded just like Olivia Newton John.

HEATHER
I've been practicing for years.

STEVEN
(laughs)
So what do you do?

HEATHER
I can barely hear you. Do you want to
talk in the other room?

STEVEN
Oh… okay.

They walk into Steven's bedroom.

ON THE CABLE GUY

CABLE GUY
(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

38	INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Heather are sitting on the bed talking.

STEVEN
She says she wants a break, and that's
fine with me. I think I needed some time
also.

HEATHER
Yeah. I know what you mean.

She leans in and kisses him.

39	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The cable Guy has got all of the guests in a frenzy.

CABLE GUY
(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

40	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Heather are kissing passionately. Suddenly the door flies open, and the Cable Guy 
dances into the room, takes out a Polaroid instamatic camera and FLASHES A PICTURE of 
them. Steven is disoriented. Behind the Cable Guy in the hallway is everyone from the party.

CABLE GUY
(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

He continues to rap, dance and flash pictures of everyone as he dances out of the room.

41	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING

Steven walks into the living room looking a little disheveled. The Cable Guy is cooking him 
breakfast.

CABLE GUY
Good morning sleepy head. I hope you
don't mind, I crashed on the couch.
Bacon and eggs coming up.

STEVEN
Where did Heather go?

CABLE GUY
I heard her slip out early this morning.

STEVEN
What a night. That was just what I
needed.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

CABLE GUY
You look like a new man.

STEVEN
I feel like a new man. I was getting so
used to being rejected. I really liked
her.

CABLE GUY
Hey, it was my treat.

STEVEN
(taken aback)
What do you mean it was "your treat?"

CABLE GUY
You know, I bought this time, you buy
next time.

STEVEN
(getting concerned)
Buy what?

CABLE GUY
You know, the women.

STEVEN
You mean Heather is a prostitute?

CABLE GUY
Of course she is. Do you think a woman
like that would hang out with us if we
weren't paying? Don't tell me you didn't
know.

STEVEN
I can't believe this.

He sits in a chair, and leans over in pain.

CABLE GUY
She's clean I assure you. I tried her out
last week to make sure she was top
quality, and I'm as healthy as a horse. Not
a drip. She's the best, ask any of my
friends.

Steven cringes.

STEVE
You've got to be kidding? Please tell me
she's a friend of yours. You're just
playing with my mind again, right?

CABLE GUY
I wish I had friends like that.

STEVEN
Get out of my house!

CABLE GUY
Don't be ashamed of yourself. I know she
was a working girl, but she kind of liked
you. You might have been able to
get a freebie.

STEVEN
Out, now! I don't ever want to see you
again.
(to himself)
Robin is never going to forgive me.

CABLE GUY
I'll tell you how to handle that. Don't
tell her. You want to get her back, I'll
help you get her back.

STEVEN
I don't want your help. I want you to
leave.
(gestures to the TV)
And take that stuff out of here.

CABLE GUY
(calmly)
Whatever. I can take a hint. I'll see
ya'.

The Cable Guy exits.

42	OMITTED

43	EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

P.O.V. Shot - Robin and a date enter the restaurant.

We move to reveal the Cable Guy driving up in his van. He watches them from across the street. A 
moment later he heads inside.

44	INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The Cable Guy enters the restaurant. The HOSTESS walks over to him.

HOSTESS
May I help you?

CABLE GUY
No, I'm meeting someone here.

He looks around the restaurant, then spots Robin and a handsome, chiseled man at a table. They 
are on a date. The Cable Guy looks angry. He walks to the restroom.

45	INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

An OLDER BATHROOM ATTENDANT stands in front of the sinks. On the counter sits a 
variety of toiletries. A MAN washes his hands. The bathroom attendant hands him some paper 
towels. The man puts a tip in the basket, and exits.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
Most appreciated.

The Cable Guy walks over to the bathroom attendant. He dramatically whips out a twenty dollar 
bill, and puts it in front of the bathroom attendant's nose.

CABLE GUY
You've been working hard. Take a break.

46	INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER

Robin is talking to her date RAY. He is handsome, and somewhat goofy. They have empty salad 
plates in front of them.

RAY
My brother and I wanna start our own sun
block company. But the twist is, it's
only for skiing. SkiBlock. Or SunSki.
We haven't decided yet. Maybe BlockSki.
Do you think that sounds good?

ROBIN
BlockSki? That sounds right.

RAY
So, Gail told me you're just coming off a
relationship.

ROBIN
Well, not really. We're kind of in a
holding pattern. He wants more of a
commitment, but I don't think I'm ready.
I just want to have a good time for a
while.

RAY
Then we got to get you on a Skidoo!

ROBIN
Skidoo?

RAY
High powered snow mobile. It'll blow
your mind. It flies over powder like
it's glass.

Their waitress passes by.

RAY
(impatiently)
Hey, how are you doing on that chicken?
Have the eggs hatched yet? Thanks.

Robin is mortified by his behavior.

RAY
So, how's your work going?

ROBIN
It's been crazy. They just hired a –

RAY
Hold that thought. I have to use the rest
room. Be right back.

He leaves. Robin looks relieved to have a break.

47	INT. RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ray enters the restroom. The Cable Guy is now wearing the bathroom attendant's blue shirt white 
pants and a thin fake moustache. A DISTINGUISHED MAN walks over and washes his hands.

MAN
(to Cable guy)
Towel please.

CABLE GUY
My pleasure.

The man puts out his hand to take the paper towel, but the Cable Guy doesn't hand it to him, he 
grabs the man's hands and surrounds them with several paper towels, and begins drying them 
furiously. When he's done, he takes a beat and wipes them over and over, just to make sure they're 
dry. The man is aghast.

CABLE GUY
Enjoy your meal

The man exits. Ray walks toward the stalls.

CABLE GUY
Good evening sir. Pleasant night, isn't
it?

RAY
(curt)
Yeah.

CABLE GUY
But I guess the weather's always pleasant
in here. The winters are remarkably mild.

He laughs at his own joke. Ray walks into the handicapped stall.

CABLE GUY (OS)
If you need anything, just let me know.
Anything at all.

RAY
(getting annoyed)
I think I can handle it.

Ray unzips his fly, and prepares to pee standing up. Suddenly, as if out of thin air, the Cable Guy 
is standing right behind him. He speaks into Ray's ear, startling him.

CABLE GUY
I'm here to serve you.

RAY
Jesus! Get out of here!

CABLE GUY
Most people never bother to take
advantage of all my services, for
instance –

The Cable Guy grabs the back of Ray's shirt, kicks his feet out from under him, and slams his face 
into the toilet bowl, sloshing it around. Ray struggles, but the Cable Guy is too strong.

CABLE GUY
I can help you wash up. Cleanliness is
so very important.

He pulls his face out.
CABLE GUY
Then once you're done I have a variety of
skin care products which can make you
look years younger.

The Cable Guy kicks the door open, and pulls Ray toward the counter. He grabs a bottle of lotion.

CABLE GUY
This lotion is superb at removing liver
spots.

He slaps it onto Ray's face.

CABLE GUY
This one is an excellent moisturizer.

The Cable Guy pours some after cologne into his hands, and rubs his hands together as if he's 
about to put it on Ray's face.

CABLE GUY
And one can never underestimate the
effects of a good cologne.

The Cable Guy rears back and slaps Ray across the face.

CABLE GUY
(sniffs)
Mm… High Karate. And now a touch of
powder.

He takes a large powder puff, and smashes it into Ray's face temporarily blinding him.

CABLE GUY
(grabs a tweezer)
Ooh, I almost forget, it's oh so very
important to be properly tweezed.

The Cable Guy plucks several hairs out from between Ray's eyebrows.

CABLE GUY
You're on a big date, you'll need fresh
breath.

He takes a clear jar of combs, and pours the blue fluid and the combs into Ray's mouth.

CABLE GUY
Whoops, that's not mouth wash. But that
reminds me. Proper hair care is a must.

The Cable Guy combs his soaking wet hair into a very goofy looking side part.

CABLE GUY
Looking good, now let's dry you off.

He runs Ray face first into the starting button of an automatic hand dryer. It turns on. The Cable 
Guy puts his face right up next to the air.

CABLE GUY
Now suck it. Suck the air!

Ray hesitantly puts his mouth around the nozzle, and his cheeks start fluttering like an astronaut 
experiencing heavy G-Force.

CABLE GUY
from this angle you look just like Neil
Armstrong experiencing G-Force. I
believe you have the "right stuff."

The Cable Guy pulls him away, and smashes his face into the tip basket.

CABLE GUY
Don't worry about the tip. But I've got
one for you.
(whispers into his ear)
Stay away from Robin. She's taken.

He tosses him out the door.

47A	INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

The door opens, and Ray falls to the floor.

47B	INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

Robin sits alone at her table. She looks at her watch. In the background the Cable Guy slips out.

48	OMITTED

49	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steven is watching television while eating a TV dinner.

ON THE TV - LOCAL TELEVISION NEWS

ANCHOR MAN
Here's a bizarre story from downtown,
where a man was beaten in a restroom by
an assailant disguised as a bathroom
attendant. The victim has been unable to
speak since the unmotivated attack.

We see the image of a shaken up RAY being led out of the restaurant by two police officers.

ANCHOR MAN
A police sketch artist put together this
drawing from witnesses' descriptions.

We see a drawing which looks a little like the Cable Guy. In it he has a moustache and appears to 
be Hispanic. Steven looks carefully. Does he know that man? Nah. He changes the channel.

ON THE TV - the FOX logo flies up, followed by a slick promo for a FOX Movie-of-the-Week 
on the Sam Sweet trial.

ANOUNCER (V.O.)
Tonight on Fox, the true story behind the
trial that's captured the nation.

We see ERIC ROBERTS holding a shotgun, pointed at another scared ERIC ROBERTS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The jury may still be out, but the
chilling facts are in. Eric Roberts, in
his dramatic debut is Sam and Stan Sweet.
"Brother, Sweet Brother: The Killing of
Stanton Sweet." Tonight on Fox.

49A	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - DAY

The Cable Guy walks over to a FEMALE NEIGHBOR.

CABLE GUY
Excuse me, apartment 202 is Robin Harris?

FEMALE NEIGHBOR
(points)
It's right upstairs.

50	INT. ROBIN'S HOME - NEXT DAY

There is a LOUD KNOCK. Robin walks to the door and opens it without undoing the chain.

ROBIN
Who is it?

The Cable Guy sticks his face as far into the crack of the door as possible.

CABLE GUY
It's the Cable Guy.

ROBIN
There's no problem with my cable.

CABLE GUY
I've got an upgrade order for one Robin
Harris. The Rainbow package, that's every
pay channel available.

ROBIN
I didn't order this.

CABLE GUY
Apparently you've got a secret admirer.

She unlocks the chain, and the Cable Guy quickly steps inside.

ROBIN
Was it a man named Steven?

CABLE GUY
I can't tell you.

ROBIN
Come on.

CABLE GUY
No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.

He gave it away on purpose. They both laugh.

CABLE GUY
Whoops, I slipped. Well you didn't hear
it from me.

51	INT. AIR DUCT - LATER

The Cable Guy is in the air duct. He is pulling cord. He reaches an area of the duct which opens 
up to a vent. He looks through and sees Robin changing in the bedroom. He tries not to look at 
Robin undress. He turns away.

CABLE GUY
I'm sorry Steven. I'm just a man.

He turns back and looks at her. He notices a birthmark on her back.

52	INT. APARTMENT - LATER

The Cable Guy is on his way out.

CABLE GUY
That about does it. Enjoy.

ROBIN
So, are you a friend of Steven's?

CABLE GUY
I'm proud to say I am. I installed his
cable recently, and we just hit it off.

ROBIN
That's right. You fixed his cable the
other night.
(suspicious)
So you guys are going out a lot?

CABLE GUY
Not really. That man is devoted to you.
You know I'm probably crossing a boundary
telling you this, but he's really crazy
about you.

ROBIN
Did he say that?

CABLE GUY
Only every five minutes. Quite frankly,
I'm sick of hearing it. No, I'm just
kidding with you.
(looks her deeply in the eyes)
He's a good man. He mentioned that you
guys have had some problems.

ROBIN
Well, it's a little complicated.

CABLE GUY
It always is. You know I asked a woman to
marry me once. She said she wanted to
think about it. We agreed to take some
time apart to re-assess our feelings. To
give each other…
(mockingly)
space.
(chokes up)
Well, she is no longer with us.

ROBIN
I'm so sorry.

CABLE GUY
Sometimes you don't have the time you
think you have. Just promise me you'll
never go bungee jumping in Mexico.

ROBIN
I promise.

CABLE GUY
(embarrassed that he spoke too much)
Anyway, I've got to go.

He quickly departs. We hold on Robin for a beat.

53	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy smiles, proud of himself.

53A	EXT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSK

Establishing shot of the building. We hear Steven's cellular phone ring.

53B	INT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSK - INTERCUT

Steven holds on a cellular phone as he walks down the long Gothic hallway of a half renovated 
school house. Around him construction workers go about their business.

STEVEN
Hello?

ROBIN (VO)
I love you.

STEVEN
Robin?

54	INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUT

Robin is on the phone.

ROBIN
Yes.

STEVEN
(surprised)
I… love you too.

ROBIN
That was so sweet of you.

STEVEN
(playing along)
Oh… well…

ROBIN
You didn't have to do that.

STEVEN
I… wanted to.

ROBIN
Giving me free cable. Only you would do
that.

STEVEN
You got it? Great.

ROBIN
Yes, your friend came by.

STEVEN
My friend?

ROBIN
The Cable Guy. I liked him. He was kind
of goofy, but nice. Thank you so much
for doing that.

STEVEN
I'm… glad you liked it. I've wanted to
do something nice for you, but I've been
trying to give you your space.

ROBIN
Well, I don't think we should make rules
anymore.

STEVE
Okay.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

ROBIN
Call me later if you're around?

STEVEN
Sure. I'll call you as son as I get
home. Bye.

Steven is elated. He can barely contain himself.

RICK (O.S.)
Steven, are you ready to go?

Steven turns and sees Rick wearing a "Soundgarden" T-shirt.

STEVEN
(pained)
The concert. Oh Jesus.

RICK
What?

STEVEN
Robin just called. I think we're getting
back together.

RICK
(pissed)
So you're blowing me off? I can't
believe this.

STEVEN
This is the first time she asked to get
back together.

RICK
You do this every time. You only call me
after a girl breaks your heart. "Oh Rick
can I stay on your couch? Let's talk all
night about how mean girls are." Then as
soon as a relationship starts again
it's bye-bye Rick. I don't know why I
fall for it anymore.

55	OMITTED

56	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

It is raining. Rick pulls up, and drops Steven off.

STEVEN
Can't you get someone else
to go?

(Revision Ends - Blue)

RICK
Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

Steven gets out of the car. Rick drives off. Steven walks up the steps to his apartment. The Cable 
Guy appears from behind a corner.

CABLE GUY
Pretty smooth work. I set 'em up, you
knock 'em down.

STEVEN
What?

CABLE GUY
Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced
her up.

STEVEN
How do you know we're back together?

CABLE GUY
Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

STEVEN
I don't want you messing around with my
life. You've caused enough trouble as it
is.

CABLE GUY
I know. I felt bad about the other night,
so I wanted to make it up to you. So
what are you doing? Do you want to catch
a bite?

Steve looks the Cable Guy in the eye.

STEVEN
(sincerely yet curt)
Look, I appreciate you helping me out
with Robin. But you have to understand,
I'm going to have to work extra hard to
not screw this relationship up again.
You're a great guy, but I just don't have
any room in my life for a new friend. Do
you understand?

CABLE GUY
I appreciate your honesty. You're a real
straight shooter.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

STEVEN
So, you're okay?

CABLE GUY
Hey, I'm a big boy. It's no big deal.
Whatever.

STEVEN
All right… well, take care.

CABLE GUY
Have a good one.

The Cable Guy walks away. Steven stands there feeling a little guilty about what he just did. 
MUSIC UP.

57	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ON THE TV - Conan O'Brien is doing a monologue joke about Sam Sweet.

Steven and Robin are kissing. Outside it is raining. There is occasional lightning and thunder. In 
the middle of kissing, lightning flashes. Steven looks up and sees a flash of the Cable Guy staring 
down at them, his faced pressed against the skylight. In the next flash he is gone. Was it real? 
Steven looks scared.

ROBIN
Are you alright?

STEVEN
I'm fine.

They go back to kissing.

57A	EXT. TELEPHONE POLE/INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE - DAY

The Cable Guy and Robin are speaking on the phone. As the conversation continues we slowly 
pull back and reveal that the Cable Guy is standing on the top of a telephone pole, dressed as a 
phone company employee. He speaks into a repairman's phone which is illegally hooked into the 
telephone pole.

CABLE GUY
Hey, it's Chip Douglas.

ROBIN
Chip Douglas?

CABLE GUY
Your cable guy.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

ROBIN
(surprised to hear from him)
Oh, hi. What's up?

CABLE GUY
I feel kind of weird calling you. It's
just… I'm worried about Steven.

ROBIN
What is it?

CABLE GUY
Something isn't right. He hasn't been
himself lately. Have you noticed
anything?

ROBIN
No, things are actually going really
well.

CABLE GUY
Good.

ROBIN
Should I be worried?

CABLE GUY
Nope. I'm probably just being a nervous
nellie. Let's just keep our eyes open.

ROBIN
(nervous)
I will. Good-bye.

She hangs up, then dials Steven's number.

ROBIN
Steven Bartowsky please.

57B	INT. STEVEN'S SECRETARY'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

His secretary, JOAN, answers the phone.

JOAN
Sorry Robin. He's in a meeting.

58	INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A dozen of the top employees of the company Steven works for are having a meeting. Steven 
listens intently as a SALES MANAGER speaks to the group.

SALES MANAGER
The response to our initial offering has
been remarkable. A local investment
group has decided to buy the entire
complex and turn them into rentals. In
retrospect I must admit we made one big
mistake.

Everyone hangs on his every word.

SALES MANAGER
We should have asked for more money.

The entire room laughs. Mr. Daniels stands up.

MR. DANIELS
I just want to put this out there,
Stevey. You did it bro. You laid your
cajones, and mine, out on the table, and
you slam dunked it. Way to go.
(nervously jokes)
Now watch, they'll kick you upstairs
ahead of me. All right, in other
business…

As Mr. Daniels speaks, Joan tries to get Steven's attention from a crack in the door.

JOAN
(quietly)
Pssst. Steven.

Steven turns and sees her. She waves for him to come to her. He waves her off.

JOAN
(more urgently-quietly)
I really need to speak with you.

Some people are beginning to notice this exchange.

STEVEN
(curtly)
It can wait.

Right then two POLICE OFFICERS storm into the room. Joan stands behind them looking 
concerned.

POLICE OFFICER
Is there a Steven Bartowsky here?

STEVEN
Uh… I'm Steven Bartowsky. What's going
on?

POLICE OFFICER
You are under arrest.

MR. DANIELS
On what charge?

POLICE OFFICER
Receipt of stolen merchandise.

STEVEN
What? I never –

POLICE OFFICER
Please put our hands on the table.

Steven moves a sudden move toward the Police Officer. The Officer jabs him in the ribs with his 
club. Steven groans, then leans over in pain.

POLICE OFFICER
Please follow my instructions. Hands
on the table.

Steven puts his hands on the table. The Officer kicks his legs apart, then frisks him in front of 
everyone. It is pure humiliation.

POLICE OFFICER
Hands behind your back.

The other Officer cuffs him, then turns him around.

POLICE OFFICER #2
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say may be used against you
in a court of law. You have the right to
an attorney. If you cannot afford an
attorney one will be provided for you.
Do you understand?

STEVE
This is all a mistake. I didn't accept
any stolen goods.

Just then it hits him. He hears the Cable Guy's voice in his head.

CABLE GUY (V.O.)
(with echo)
…you're getting THX quality sound that
would make George Lucas cream in his
pants – cream in his pants.

He pushes him toward the door. Steven looks at everyone's horrified faces as he is taken away. He 
tries to break the tension with a joke.

STEVEN
Hey, relax. I'm the one who's going to
jail.

Nobody laughs. He exits.

59	EXT. OFFICE TOWER - MOMENTS LATER

Steven is walked to a police car, and put inside.

We slowly reveal a man across the street at an auto shop. He is looking under the hood of his car. 
Apparently it has broken down. The man turns and we see that it is the Cable Guy covertly 
watching Steven's humiliation. As the policeman pushes Steven into the car he looks at the Cable 
guy and touches his nose. The Cable Guy touches his nose.

60	INT. POLICE STATION - LATER

Steven is chained to a bench. He is speaking to his father EARL, a stout man of sixty, and his 
LAWYER.

EARL
I can't believe you did this.

STEVEN
I didn't do anything. My cable guy gave
me all that stuff as a present.

EARL
A stereo system and a big screen TV as a
present? You expect me to believe that?
You know you're killing your mother with
this.

STEVEN
I swear it's true.

EARL
Why would you accept such extravagant
gifts?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

STEVEN
I don't know. I shouldn't have.

EARL
What is really going on here Steven? Are
you on something?

STEVEN
I'm fine! I didn't do anything! Please
call my cable guy, his name is Ernie
Douglas.

LAWYER
Steven, the police looked into it, nobody
named Ernie Douglas works for 'The Cable
Company.'

EARL
You want to tell us the truth now

STEVEN
(falling apart)
That's got to be a mistake. Oh, this
is not happening.

EARL
Yes it is, and it's killing your mother.
Did you deliberately want to ruin our
fortieth anniversary party on Monday,
Steven?

STEVEN
Yeah, Dad, I did. It's all a big plan.
(to the lawyer)
When can you get me out of here?

LAWYER
Unfortunately it's too late to get a bail
hearing today. You're going to have to
spend the weekend in county lock up.

STEVEN
The entire weekend?

61	OMITTED

(Revision Ends - Blue)

62	INT. PRISON - LATER

Steven is now wearing prison blues. He holds a pillow and a set of sheets as he walks down the 
long corridor to his cell. Lining each side are cells filled with angry prisoners who throw things at 
Steven, and taunt him as he walks by. It is a nightmare.

PRISONER #1
New meat! Look at the pretty boy!

PRISONER #2
Nobody touches him, he's mine! You touch
him, you're dead!

PRISONER #3
Is baby scared? Don't cry baby!

They all laugh and scream at him until he reaches his cell. A guard opens the door. Steven enters 
his cell. He turns and inside is an angry looking prisoner. The door is locked behind him.

ANGRY PRISONER
Ooh, looks like I won the lottery.

63	OMITTED

64	INT. VISITORS ROOM - MORNING

A guard walks Steven in. His lawyer sits on the other side of the glass with his back to Steven. 
Steven sits down and picks up the phone, excited to hear any news.

STEVEN
What did you hear? What did you hear?

The man turns around. It is not Steven's lawyer, it is the
Cable Guy dressed in an expensive suit.

CABLE GUY
Hello Steven. I came as soon as I heard.

Steven's head sinks.

STEVEN
Who are you?! What's your real name?!

CABLE GUY
So many questions.

STEVEN
Why are you doing this to me?

CABLE GUY
I didn't do this to you, you did this to
you. You need to learn who your friends
are.

STEVEN
You set me up.

CABLE GUY
I taught you a lesson. I can be your best
friend, or your worst enemy. I hope
you'll choose the latter… I mean, the
former. You know what I mean.

STEVEN
I'll never be your friend. You need help.

The Cable Guy absorbs the blow, then goes on the offensive.

CABLE GUY
Right now I think you're the one who
needs help. I'm here to give you comfort.

The Cable Guy huts his hand up to the glass.

CABLE GUY
Come on, touch it.

Steven just stares at him.

CABLE GUY
Come on. You need human contact. Touch
it.

STEVEN
I will not touch it.

The Cable Guy stands up, and begins unbuttoning his shirt.

STEVEN
What are you doing? Stop it.

Steven looks around frantically.

CABLE GUY
I know how you're feeling right now.

The Cable Guy pushes his naked breast against the glass. Other prisoners are beginning to stare.

STEVEN
(smacking the glass)
Stop it! Stop it!

CABLE GUY
I'm here for you.

STEVEN
(smacks the glass three times)
Get off there! Are you trying to get me
killed?

The Cable Guy begins to laugh.

CABLE GUY
(as he buttons his shirt)
I was just messing with your mind. That
was from 'Midnight Express.' Awesome
film. Oliver Stone won the Academy Award
for the screenplay.

STEVEN
Guard! Guard!

CABLE GUY
Don't you worry about Robin, I'll make
sure she's well taken care of.

STEVEN
You go near her, I'll kill you.

Steven lunges at the glass. Steven's guard pulls Steven out of the room toward the exit.

STEVEN
Hey, this is the guy who framed me!

The Cable Guy walks to his door. He turns to the guard at the door.

CABLE GUY
(warmly)
Louis, how'd you like that Tyson fight on
Pay Per View? I told you it's more fun
when it's Free Per View.

They both laugh. The door closes behind them.

65	EXT. OUTDOOR CAFÉ - DAY

The Cable Guy is sitting at a table wearing a Walkman. People look at him funny as he speaks out 
loud to his lisp tape.

(Revision 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY
(over-pronouncing)
Sea shells. Sea shells. Salmon. Salmon.
Silverware. Silverware. Suspicious.
Suspicious. Sensational. Sensational.

Robin is brought over to the table by a hostess. The Cable Guy takes off his Walkman, and stands 
up to be polite. He sits down in perfect synch with her.

ROBIN
Hello.

CABLE GUY
Hello. I'm sorry we have to meet under
these circumstances.

ROBIN
Me too. Believe me.

CABLE GUY
I know we don't know each other very
well, but we do have one thing in common, 
our concern for Steven.

ROBIN
Well, you were right. Something's
happening with him and he won't even
acknowledge it.

CABLE GUY
If he refuses to admit he has a problem,
we may have to let him hit bottom. He's
gonna need some tough love.

ROBIN
(tentatively)
You know his lawyer said that nobody
named Ernie Douglas works for the Cable
Company.

CABLE GUY
(chuckles)
Did he do a name search? 'Cause I work
under a pseudonym so the customers won't
harass me at home. Kind of like a
stripper. My real name is Larry, Larry
Tate.

ROBIN
And he's saying he received all the
stereo equipment from you.

CABLE GUY
(I know, and I'm not mad. He's been
cornered, so he's telling some wives
tales. He doesn't mean to hurt me.

ROBIN
I just feel like I triggered this with
him. It's not that I don't want to get
married, it's just I felt like he wanted
to get married just to get married. I
don't deal well with pressure.

CABLE GUY
Hey, welcome to the human race. We're
not perfect. We all think we have to
look like a 'Baywatch' babe and be as
witty as 'Seinfeld.' Give yourself a
break.

ROBIN
God I could go for turkey and mashed
potatoes now.

CABLE GUY
Comfort food. Bring it on.

ROBIN
Exactly.

She laughs.

CABLE GUY
You've got a great laugh. Can I make a
small request? I'd like to hear it a little
more often.

She blushes.

66	INT. PRISON ADMINISTRATION - NEXT DAY

ON THE TV - Hard Copy's BARRY NOLAN, sits behind his desk giving a news update.

BARRY NOLAN
The Sam Sweet trial has been thrown into
chaos as a result of a videotape made a
month after the killing. In this "Hard
Copy" exclusive an apparently intoxicated
Sam Sweet puts on a macabre show for his
friends at a party. The judge has not
decided whether this tape is admissible
as evidence.

We see a videotape of Sam Sweet at a party. The date and time are seen in the corner. Sam stands 
next to the corner of a wall which is completely covered with a mirror. Sam gestures with a beer 
bottle as he looks at his reflection in the mirror.

SAM SWEET
(to camera)
Hey everyone. Look it's me and…
(gestures to his reflection)
my brother Stan.
(waves at reflection)
Hi Stan. It's so nice to see you. How
are you feeling?
(to camera)
Look, he's alive.

Sam punches the mirror, shattering it.

SAM SWEET
(angry)
Now he's dead.

Realizing he's revealed too much, he forces a smile.

SAM SWEET
What? I'm just goofing around.

We pull back and reveal a group of police officers watching this on television.

We pan over to Steven's father EARL paying bail.

STEVEN
I'm sorry dad.

EARL
I don't want to hear it. Do you know the
pain you out your mother through? You're
lucky she didn't die of a heart attack.

STEVEN
I didn't do anything.

EARL
Just like you said you didn't steal that
'X-Men' comic book when you were eight.
Then I found it in your underwear drawer.

STEVEN
Will you ever stop mentioning that?

EARL
This cost me a lot of money. You jump
bail, and I swear I'll hire a bounty
hunter to hunt you down.

67	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - DAY

Steven walks into his apartment, exhausted from his jail experience. He walks into the living room 
and sees several new frames on the wall. They are four foot blow ups of Polaroid photographs of 
Steven with his arm around the Cable Guy at the karaoke jam. The photos have been tinted in a 
stylish fashion.

Steven angrily runs to the wall and takes them down.

68	OMITTED

69	EXT. STEVEN'S PARENTS' HOME - NIGHT

Steven and Robin are walking up the stairs to the front door. They are dressed up for his parents' 
anniversary party.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

ROBIN
Are you sure you're okay?

STEVEN
I'm fine.

ROBIN
You're not fine. When you say you're
fine, I know you're not fine.

STEVEN
I just want to get this over with so I
can go home and get some rest.

ROBIN
I wanted you to know I invited your
friend. He was concerned about you.

STEVEN
Great. I feel. Bad. I've been kind of
blowing Rick off lately.

He rings the doorbell.

ROBIN
Not Rick.

The door opens. Standing there, dressed to kill, is the Cable Guy.

CABLE GUY
You can only come in if you came to rage.

Steven is shocked. Robin walks in. When Steven walks in, the Cable Guy stops him.

CABLE GUY
(to Robin)
Is this guy cool?
(to Steven)
I'm just joshing. Come on in.

They walk inside.

70	INT. STEVEN'S FATHER'S HOME

Steven turns to Robin.

STEVEN
(enraged)
What is he doing here?

ROBIN
I invited him.

STEVEN
When did you invite him?

ROBIN
At lunch the other day.

STEVEN
At lunch? You had lunch with him?

The Cable Guy walks over.

ROBIN
Hello. You look great.

She gives him a peck on the cheek. Steven winces.

CABLE GUY
And you are a vision. Hello Steven.
You're looking rested.

STEVEN
Come here.

He pulls the Cable Guy aside.

CABLE GUY
Steven, what's with you tonight? I'm
getting some really weird energy from
you.

STEVEN
Maybe it's because I just got out of
prison, where you sent me. I should just
drag you to the police right now.

CABLE GUY
You can if you like, but I'd hate to have
to show Robin this.

He takes out a Polaroid of Steven kissing the hooker.

STEVEN
You son of a bitch.

The Cable Gut quickly puts it away.

CABLE GUY
Come on Steven, let's just have a good
time tonight.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

Robin, Earl and Steven's mother walk over.

EARL
Steven, your mother and I had a long talk
with your friend Larry here when he came
over to screw in the cable.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
(to the Cable Guy)
Thank you again for that.

EARL
(beat)
We owe you an apology. I didn't realize
the seriousness of your problems. You're
obviously going through some kind of
personal hell and I need to be more
understanding. We didn't get involved
with things like that when I was your
age.

Steven cannot figure out what kind of lie the Cable Guy has told them.

EARL
I know we haven't been there for you
lately but we're going to see you through
this, 'cause we are a family. I love
you.

He gives him a big hug. Steven grimaces.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
You've got a good friend here.

They walk into the next room where the entire family is gathered for pre-dinner cocktails.

Steven's brother PETE walks over to Steven. He carries a baby in a pouch.

PETE
(winks)
Hey buddy, we're with you. Keep your
chin up.

71	INT. DINING ROOM - LATER

As the Cable Guy charms Steven's family we pan across all of the guests laughing, and enjoying 
dinner.

CABLE GUY
So Steven is carrying this battle ax, and
he's chasing me, swinging like a mad
man. I'm yelling at him,
'hey, it's just a show!'

(Revision Ends - Blue)

STEVEN'S SISTER
He always takes things too seriously.

CABLE GUY
Tell me something I don't know. This guy
almost took my head off.

Everybody laughs.

The camera moves to Steven. He stares at the Cable Guy, his eyes filled with rage.

STEVEN'S P.O.V.

The Cable Guy is talking and eating in SLOW-MOTION.

ON STEVEN - watching him. He is in normal motion.

ON THE CABLE GUY - eating in SLOW-MOTION

ON STEVEN - getting very irritated.

STEVEN
What are you doing?

ON THE CABLE GUY

As he talks we realize he has not been in slow motion, he's just been pretending he's in slow 
motion.

CABLE GUY
It's from "Goodfellas." Remember the
intro scene at the bar. I'm Johnny Two
Times.

He moves in slow motion some more. Everyone laughs.

TONY, Steven's six year old nephew, runs to the Cable Guy with a toy gun.

TONY/CABLE GUY
Pow, pow, pow. You're under arrest.

Everyone laughs. The Cable Guy starts running around the table. Tony makes chase, laughing all 
the way.

CABLE GUY
You'll never catch me copper.

The Cable Guy stops, grabs a piece of asparagus and puts it between his lip and nose, and pretends 
it's a moustache.

CABLE GUY
I'm gonna wear a disguise.

Steven looks at the Cable Guy and remembers something.

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees the Cable Guy. The artist's rendering of the man who beat up Robin's 
date appears in front of the Cable Guy's face. Steven realizes that they are the same person.

Steven gets a frightened look on his face.

The kid points his gun at the Cable Guy and yells "pow." The Cable Guy drops to the floor like 
he's been shot.

CABLE GUY
Oh, you got me.

The Cable Guy plays dead. The kid walks over to him. When he gets close, the Cable Guy lunges 
to grab him.

CABLE GUY
(devil voice)
Aaah!!! Nobody messes with me and lives!

The kid screams with laughter and runs away. The Cable Guy chases him around the table and out 
of the room. Steven instantly fears for Tony's safety. He follows them.

72-75	OMITTED

75A	INT. LIBRARY - A MOMENT LATER

Steven walks around looking for Tony. Suddenly from behind a couch Tony and the Cable Guy 
pop out.

TONY/CABLE GUY
Booo!

Steven flies back, scared out of his wits. Tony and the Cable Guy start laughing hysterically. They 
have a grand 'ol time enjoying their little prank.

CABLE GUY
Oh man, you should have seen your face.
It was classic.

STEVEN
Very funny. Tony, go to your mother!

Tony immediately starts crying. He leaves.

CABLE GUY
Look what you've done.

STEVEN
I know you beat up Robin's date.

The Cable Guy's laughter stops on a dime.

CABLE GUY
I guess I did what you didn't have the
guts to do.

STEVEN
You stay away from Robin.

CABLE GUY
(disturbed)
Don't mess with me. I'm feeling like a
part of the family, and I like it. You
should try it sometime.

Steven's mother enters.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
(looks at them)
My, you two look like brothers. Come on
back, we're all having coffee in the
living room.

Cable Guy quickly starts walking back to the dining room.

CABLE GUY
(happily)
Are you guys trying to fatten me up?
'Cause if you are, you're doing a damn
good job of it.

He laughs, and exits. Steven slowly follows.

76-78 OMITTED

79	INT. LIVING AREA - LATER

Everyone is sitting around having coffee. The Cable Guy is writing words on torn up pieces of 
paper.

CABLE GUY
You guys have never played "Porno
Password?"

EARL
No, but I like the sound of it.

CABLE GUY
It's the adult version of the popular
television game show. Robin you're on my
team. Steven, you're with mom.
(to everyone else)
You're the audience.

The Cable Guy sits next to Robin. Steven and his mother sit across from them.

The Cable Guy looks at the word, then shows it to the family so none of the contestants can see it. 
He whispers it in Steven's ear.

CABLE GUY
(whispers)
The password is… vagina.

Steven winces.

STEVEN
I really don't want to play this game.
(looks to his mother)
Woman. Woman.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
Uh… man?

STEVEN
No.

CABLE GUY
(to Robin)
Pe-nis. Pe-nis. Pe-nis.

Robin concentrates hard, but she can't figure it out.

CABLE GUY
Peeee-nis. Peeee-nis.

ROBIN
Vagina?

CABLE GUY
(pumps his fist)
Yes!

He high fives Robin. Everyone laughs.

EARL
(blurts out)
I thought it was going to be schlong!
(covers his mouth - embarrassed)
Whoops.

Everyone laughs. They are all having a great time, except Steven. The Cable Guy looks at the next 
word, shows it to the family privately, then whipsers to Steven.

CABLE GUY
The password is… nipple.

STEVEN
Can I pass?

EARL
Come on Steven, don't be a stick in the
mud.

STEVEN
Breast. Breast.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
Tit?

Everyone laughs. Steven's face is red.

CABLE GUY
Hard…
(gestures like there is another word after it)
Hard…

ROBIN
Erection?

Everyone laughs. Steven looks like he might kill the Cable Guy.

STEVEN
Center. Center.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
Nipple?

Everyone cheers.

STEVEN'S MOTHER
I can't believe I got it. I was going to
say areola.

Everyone laughs except Steven, who is mortified.

CABLE GUY
I wish you did, 'cause we'd be ahead.

The Cable Guy shows the word to everyone, then whispers in Steven's ear.

CABLE GUY
The password is… I'm not sure how to
pronounce this, it's either clitoris, or
clit-oris.

STEVEN
(snaps)
I can't say that to my mother!

EARL
Hey, she's a grown woman. She can handle
it.

ROBIN
Come on Steven. We're just having fun.

STEVEN
No, I've had enough. I can't do this.
This guy is ruining my life, I won't sit
here and play X-rated party games with
him.

EARL
Steven, I really think you're over-
reacting.

STEVEN
I am not over-reacting. You're all being
fooled by this guy! He's a felon for
Christ sake!
(to the Cable Guy)
I hate you! Get out of my life!

CABLE GUY
I'm sorry everyone. If I am a nuisance,
I will leave. I would never stay where I
am not wanted.

ROBIN
(to the Cable Guy)
You're not a nuisance. Please don't go.
(to Steven)
Steven, you're being an asshole.

EARL
Yeah, Steven it seems like you're the one
with the problem.

STEVEN
What? You have no idea what this guy is
really like.

CABLE GUY
I'll just go.

STEVEN
See what I mean!

CABLE GUY
Steven, what's with you tonight?
(gets close to Steven and whispers)
Robin showed me that birthmark on her
left shoulder. It's very sexy.

Steven punches the Cable Guy in the facem sending him to the floor. All of the women, including 
Robin run to help him.

ROBIN
(to Steven)
I can't believe you.

The Cable Guy gets up.

CABLE GUY
I'm fine. Thank you for a delightful
evening.
(to Steven)
I forgive you.

He exits. Everyone looks at Steven like he is the devil.

STEVEN
You don't understand.

Everyone walks away from Steven. The party is over.

80	EXT. DRIVEWAY - LATER

Robin is venting her anger at Steven as they walk to the car.

ROBIN
I just think you were completely out of
line. I don't know what's happening to
you these days.

Steven gets fed up.

STEVEN
Robin, this guy is a sociopath. He
leaves messages on my machine night and
day. He shows up wherever I go. He
won't leave me alone.

ROBIN
Sounds familiar.

STEVEN
You know he was the one who beat up your
date at that restaurant. That's right.
And he gave you the free cable. It wasn't
me.

ROBIN
But you took the credit for it?

STEVEN
That's what he wanted. He was
manipulating me. It feels so good to be
honest about this. We're finally
communicating. I've been wanting to tell
you for so long, but he's been
blackmailing me.

ROBIN
Blackmailing you? How?

STEVEN
With a photograph.

ROBIN
Of what?

STEVEN
Me with a... prostitute.

ROBIN
What?!

STEVEN
He set it up. He invited this woman to
my party and didn't tell me she was a
prostitute. I'm so glad we can talk
about this.

ROBIN
When did you have a party?

STEVEN
When we weren't communicating. I invited
you. You were out on a date.

ROBIN
And you were with a prostitute.

STEVEN
She seduced me. That's what they do.
They're professionals. And I didn't even
know she was a prostitute.

ROBIN
So that makes it better?

STEVEN
That's not the point. The point is this
guy has been setting me up. He's
responsible.

ROBIN
He didn't have sex with a whore. You
did.

STEVEN
Robin you don't --

ROBIN
I don't want to hear it. Breaking up was
the best thing we ever did. You have
some serious problems, and it's not my
responsibility to help you. I am only
responsible for my own happiness.

STEVEN
Where did that come from?

ROBIN
It was Jerry Springer's "final thought."

She exits.

80A	INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Rick is running to an editing bay. Steven follows him.

STEVEN
I'm sorry I've been blowing you off.

RICK
You bet your ass you've been blowing me
off.

STEVEN
It's just, this guy is really doing a
number on me.

RICK
I told you not to hang out with him.

STEVEN
You're the one who told me to offer him
money so I could get free cable.

RICK
You didn't tell me he was a psychopath.
(beat)
I'll see if I can get my friend in
research to track him down. What's his
name again?

STEVEN
Ernie Douglas.

RICK
Ernie Douglas? Ernie Douglas? Why does
that sound so familiar?

81	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

Steven's secretary Joan is watching a news report about the Sam Sweet trial on a mini television.

On the TV - a Female Prosecutor gestures with a shotgun as she questions a policeman.

Joan changes channels. The image changes to LARRY KING interviewing ALAN 
DERSHOWITZ regarding "the abuse excuse."

BACK TO SCENE

Steven walks over to Joan.

STEVEN
(to his secretary)
Did anyone notice I'm late?

JOAN
What are you talking about, you've been
here for an hour.

STEVEN
Thank you.

Steven walks to his office.

81A	INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Steven walks behind his desk. He notices something which disturbs him. His computer is on. He 
clicks a button and a message comes on the screen.

ON THE SCREEN - "GOOD MORNING STEVEN. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. HERE'S 
AN EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE."

Then an image comes on the screen. It is black and white surveillance video, digitized to the 
computer format. The video is of Robin and Steven talking. It is the conversation they had before 
they watched "Sleepless in Seattle."

STEVEN
Work's good.

ROBIN
How's Hal?

STEVEN
Don't get me started. That guy has no
vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.
He's just worthless.

ROBIN
It's just great that you're getting to do
it. It's a real step up.

STEVEN
I know. Now if only someone at corporate
smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I
could really get some stuff done.

The sccene starts again. It is on a loop. Steven is aghast. He looks up and sees the scene is playing 
on every computer in the office. He gets a panicked look on his face. Is Hal seeing this? He runs 
out of his office to prevent Hal from viewing this.

81B	OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs to the edge of the stairs and looks down.

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees Hal downstairs, walking into his office.

BACK TO STEVEN - He runs down the stairs towards Hal's office as fast as he can.

81C	INT. HAL'S OFFICE

Steven walks in. Hal is sitting behind his desk staring angrily at the computer. He looks up and 
sees Steven.

HAL
Don't worry. I didn't see it --- 'cause I
have no vision.

Steven knows what's coming.

82	OMITTED

82A	OMITTED

82B	OMITTED

82C	INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER

Steven walks to his car carrying a box filled with his belongings. He has been fired. Suddenly a car 
alarm beeps. It's headlights flash. Then another, and another. Soon he is surrounded by screaming 
car alarms, and flashing headlights. He looks around in fear.

STEVEN
Chip! Chip, this isn't funny! Where are
you?!!!

Suddenly they all stop simultaneously, and then the only sound is a miniacle laugh echoing through 
the garage.

Steven runs to his car, and gets in. He drives up the ramp in a panic. From out of nowhere the 
Cable Guy steps into the beam of his headlights. He cannot stop in time. The Cable Guy is thrown 
into the air, then lands on the back of the roof of the car. Before he falls off he grabs on to the bar 
of the luggage rack.

Steven looks through his rear view window and sees the Cable Guy staring at him.

As Steven continues to drive the Cable Guy climbs on to the roof of the car, then jumps on the 
hood, and stares at Steven through the windshield. Steven swerves around, almost losing control 
of the car.

STEVEN
Leave me alone! I have no job, no
girlfriend, no family anymore! It's
over! You won!

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY
(menacingly)
Oh no. It's not over. It's just gettin'
started.

He turns a corner very sharply throwing the Cable Guy off his car. The Cable Guy falls to the 
ground, rolling many times, then leaps to his feet using the momentum of the roll, and runs off, 
scampering like a supernatural bug.

83-94	OMITTED

95	OMITTED

95A	INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

ON THE TV - The local news.

MARK THOMPSON
The jury has notified the judge that they
are very close to reaching a verdict, and
would like to keep deliberating into the
evening hours.

Rick is sitting at his desk. A FEMALE RESEARCHER walks over, and sits down.

RESEARCHER
There are five people named Ernie Douglas
in this county. Two are African
American. One is eighty-five years old.
One is eleven years old, and the last one
is in a wheelchair.

RICK
So we're nowhere. Ernie Douglas? Ernie
Douglas?

She begins tapping her foot nervously.

RICK
Could you stop that?

RESEARCHER
Don't snap at me. I'm doing this as a
favor.

He continues staring at her two-tone wing tipped style shoe.

RICK
(has an epiphany)
Wait, could you start that again? Start
tapping your foot again.

She begins tapping. Rick begins humming the theme to "My Three Sons." She joins him. They sing 
louder and louder. They've broken the code.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

96	INT. STEVEN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

The PHONE RINGS. Steven runs in the front door, and picks up the phone.

STEVEN
Hello.

RICK (VO)
Bingo. "My Three Sons."

STEVEN
Chip and Ernie Douglas.

97	INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT

Rick sits at his desk. The researcher is at his side.

RICK
I've got a list of every cable installer
fired in the last four years. Every one
of these guys has the same physical
description as our friend.
(reads from the list)
Murray Slaughter, Brendan Walsh, Sam
Malone, Alex Reiger. There was even a
guy who liked to be called 'the big
Ragu.'

97AA	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven walks in and looks for the Cable Guy's hidden camera as he speaks on the phone.

STEVEN
Carmine from "Laverne and Shirley."

RICK
That's so sad that you know that.
Anyway, the cable company in town fired a
guy six months ago named Darren Stevens.
He stole the truck and disappeared.
That's our guy.

Steven finds a small camera in one of the television speakers. He rips it out.

STEVEN
So he doesn't even work for the Cable
Company?

97A	INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Quick cuts of Steven bolting doors, and locking windows.

RICK (VO)
He was fired for beating up a customer
who yelled at him for being late. A
company in Denver thinks they might have
a lead on who he really is.
If I were you I'd lock down tonight.
I'll call you when I get some more info.

98	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Steven is watching television. He struggles to stay awake.

ON THE TV - Court TV. The prosecutor in the Sam Sweet trial is speaking.

PROSECUTOR (ON TV)
Don't let your memories of these cute
twins distract you from the fact that
this funny star of a situation comedy
killed his own brother in cold blood,
then called the police and said he was
killed by an Asian gang. There was no
laugh-track on that night.

The prosecutor's words turn into gibberish as Steven's eyes go heavy and he falls asleep.

99	ON STEVEN - HE IS ASLEEP	HE SLOWLY WAKES UP.

The gibberish turns into clearly spoken words, only this time the voice sounds more familiar.

ON THE TV - We see the Sam Sweet trial. A prosecutor makes a passionate final summation. We 
reveal that it is the Cable Guy.

CABLE GUY
This man killed his own brother. Some
people don't even have a brother...

The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy's face. He looks to camera.

CABLE GUY
...do they Steven? Are you listening to
me? Don't shut it off. Don't shut it --

ON STEVEN - He shuts off the TV, and walks out of the room.

100	INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The entire apartment appears much larger. Steven walks down the hallway. He looks into the 
living room and sees Rick.

RICK
Why do you keep icing me man?

100A	INT. ELONGATED BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

He opens up a door and sees an elongated version of his bathroom. The shower is steaming. The 
two eight year old Sweet twins stand in front of it looking very spooky. He quickly closes the 
door.

100B	INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He continues down the hallway and opens the door to the dining room, but when he opens it he 
sees Robin's bedroom.

100C	INT. ROIN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Robin is in bed. A man wearing a cable installer's uniform is smothering her with a pillow. The 
man turns -- it is Steven. He quickly closes the door.

100D	INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He hears someone pounding on the front door. He opens the door. Nobody is there. Then the 
Cable Guy pops into frame holding a cut cord.

CABLE GUY
You owe me!

Steven slams the door. Then looks through the peep hole.

101	P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE

The Cable Guy begins to run full speed at the door. As he does he gets bigger and bigger, and 
more distorted as he come closer to the peephole. BANG! He hits the door. Then disappears from 
frame. A moment later he stumbles back into frame, then walks to the far end of the hall, and runs 
again to the door even faster. BANG! He staggers back into position again. He runs toward the 
door.

102	INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs away from the front door. The door smashes open, and the Cable Guy runs after him.

Steven runs away down the hallway. The hallway appears to be a mile long. He tries to run fast 
but appears to move in almost slow motion. Every time he looks over his shoulder he sees the 
Cable Guy running at an alarmingly fast rate of speed toward him, grunting like a wolf. He looks 
back another time and the Cable Guy is gone.

He keeps running, and the hallway starts getting smaller and smaller, till he can barely fit through. 
He becomes trapped at the end of the hall. Arms come out of the window behind him and grab 
him. Fifty Cable Guy faces pop out of the wall on both sides.

CABLE GUY
I just want to hang out. No big deal.

Steven breaks free of the hands and runs into his living room.

103	OMITTED

104	INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs in. The television is on. He sits on the edge of the couch not sure what to do.

He puts his head down. When he looks up, he sees the Cable Guy's face on the television set. The 
Cable Guy's face stretches out from the television, getting larger and larger.

CABLE GUY
Steven, you're just like me. We're cut
from the same cloth. We're one and the
same!

Then it opens its mouth, and swallows Steven pulling him into the television.

105	INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steven wakes up in a cold sweat.

STEVEN
(panting)
Oh my god. She's right. I am a
smotherer. I'm just like him.

The phone rings.

STEVEN
Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)
It didn't have to come to this Steven.
We could have been blood brothers.

STEVEN
Rick told me you were fired from The
Cable Company. You're not even a real
cable guy.

106	INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS

Close up of the Cable Guy's face.

CABLE GUY
Do you feel good now that you've hurt me?
Well now I'm going to have to hurt you.
I'm going to take away what you hold
dearest in the world.

STEVEN (VO)
I swear to God, if you touch --

CABLE GUY
Could you hold on a second, I've got call
waiting. It'll just be a sec.

He clicks over. Steven just sits there, waiting. Waiting some more. Then the Cable Guy clicks 
back.

CABLE GUY
Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah.
You're going to feel my wrath.

107	INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

STEVEN
(pleading)
Don't do this. There must be some way
for us to work this out.

108	INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS

CABLE GUY
I wish there was.
(losing it)
Oh Steven, I'm just so tired. So very
tired.

STEVEN
Let's talk in person. Where are you?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY
I'm close. So very close.

The camera rotates and reveals that the Cable Guy is actually lying down. Then the camera rises 
up and reveals that the Cable Guy is lying in the floorboards right underneath Steven. A single 
beam of light shines across his face. As he speaks a large daddy long legs spider crawls across his 
face. He never acknowledges it.

CABLE GUY
You know, I don't think you're right for
Robin. She needs someone who can be
sensitive to her needs. Someone who
understands her soul.

STEVEN
You stay away from her.

CABLE GUY
Aren't we the control freak. Looks like
you're starting to sweat.

STEVEN
I got the camera. You can't see me.

Steven begins to pick his face.

CABLE GUY
Oh yeah? Then why are you picking your
face?

Steven throws the phone. When it lands we see the speaker phone light is on. He begins looking 
for the camera. He smashes his TV.

JUMP CUTS - Steven tearing through everything in his apartment.

CABLE GUY
You're getting closer.

Steven overturns a CD rack.

CABLE GUY
Pity, such a nice CD rack. You know
sometimes the answer is right under your
nose.

Steven lloks at the floorboards, then runs out of the room, and returns a moment later with an ax. 
He starts chopping at the floorboards, tearing the out.

He looks down into the hole, he sees nothing. Then a hand grabs him by the shirt and pulls his face 
into the space in the floor. The Cable Guy's face appears in front of him, screaming like a mad 
man. He licks Steven's face quickly, then disappears back into the hole. Steven falls back. He hears 
the Cable Guy scuttle away.

Steven sticks his head back down into the hole only to see the dust in the floorboards swirl in the 
aftermath of the Cable Guy's exit. He hears the Cable Guy crawling through the walls above him, 
then through the side walls, and away into the distance. When it clears he discovers a small 
makeshift observation room has been set up in the crawlspace.

There are a few photos pasted to the floorboards. One shows the Cable Guy as a child standing 
next to his mother. Steven's picture has been pasted into those photos making him look like the 
Cable Guy's brother. The only other photo is of Jerry Springer. Steven sees a small television 
monitor and a set of headphones from which the Cable Guy has been watching him. He looks at a 
cellular phone. Every speed dial on the back of the phone says "Steven" next to it.

Steven gets up, and runs out of his front door.

108A	EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

It is raining lightly outside. Steven is in his car. He pulls away quickly.

109	INT. RICK'S NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Rick sits at his desk. The PHONE RINGS.

RICK
Hello.

109AA	INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT

Super Close Up - What the audience will think is Steven's mouth (actually the Cable Guy) 
speaking on a cellular phone.

STEVEN
Hey Rick. I need to meet with you right
away. I've got some information about
this crazy cable guy.

RICK
Me too. I've got the whole story.

STEVEN
That's great. Let's meet at the old
school at nine-thirty.

RICK
Why all the way out there?

STEVEN
I think he's been following me. Don't be
late, buddy.

109AB	EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Steven's car screeches to a stop. He runs up to Robin's door and starts knocking. Her FEMALE 
NEIGHBOOR opens her door.

STEVEN
Be home! Be home!

FEMALE NEIGHBOOR
Go away! I remember you. You're her
obsessive boyfriend. She said you might
come here. I'm calling the police.

She closers her door. He runs off.

109A	EXT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - NIGHT

Rick drives up, then walks into the building.

110	INT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Rick walks through the school looking for Steven.

RICK
Steven? Steven?

In the distance he sees Steven standing in the shadows.

STEVEN
Hey Rick. I'm really excited to hear
what you found out about this nut.

RICK
I hit the Holy Grail. This guy is deeply
troubled. Only child. His mother was
arrested for prostitution, and phone
solicitation. Apparently she was some
phone sex pioneer.

STEVEN
No way.

RICK
And get this, he was discharged from the
Marines. He got mad at his Sergeant so
he sent a weapons silo to Defcon Two
using a Radio Shack computer. And that's
not the half of it.

As Rick gets closer Steven steps forward out of the shadows, and we reveal that it is not Steven, 
but the Cable Guy, dressed like Steven, doing a perfect impression (actually the real voice of 
Steven looped into the Cable Guy's mouth - with a very slight lisp).

CABLE GUY
Really? Tell me more.

Rick's face turns white. He stumbles backwards, trying to get away.

CABLE GUY
I'm very interested in learning
everything I can about that wacked out
cable installer.

He turns and runs. He is fifteen feet away from the Cable Guy.

The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy. He pulls out a staple gun, and fires. We hear but do not 
see Rick yelp, and fall.

CABLE GUY
It sounds like he might hurt somebody.

110A	INT. STEVEN'S CAR - NIGHT

Steven is driving in his car. His cellular phone rings. He picks it up.

STEVEN
(panicked)
Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)
(talks like a game show host)
Nosey friends for two hundred. This
supposed pal of Steven's is currently
residing in the intensive care unit of
Good Samaritan Hospital.

STEVEN
Rick.

CABLE GUY (VO)
I'm sorry, you didn't answer in the form
of a question.

He hangs up.

111	OMITTED

111A	EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven's car pulls up. He gets out, and runs toward the hospital.

112	INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven flies through the swinging doors, and runs through the hallway of the hospital. He walks up 
to a DOCTOR.

STEVEN
(rapid fire)
Rick Legatos. He's a friend of mine.
Where is he?

DOCTOR
Room 205.

STEVEN
Can I see him?

DOCTOR
Yes. But he can't speak. He's in shock.

113	INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Steven enters the room. The camera pulls back to reveal Rick laying in full traction, face down, his 
rear end heavily bandaged. He is unconscious.

Steven tentatively walks over to Rick's rear end. He pulls back a small portion of the bandage and 
sees that his butt is covered with staples. The staples form the shape of a television with an 
antenna. Inside the TV is the word "RING."

STEVE
(perplexed)
Ring?

The phone rings. Steven jumps, then picks up the phone.

STEVEN
Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)
Poor Rick. Seems he had a little
accident with the business end of a
staple gun.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

STEVEN
You're not going to get away with this.

CABLE GUY
The question is, are you going to get
away with it? Apparently there was an
anonymous tip placed to the police
leading them to a staple gun at the crime
scene with your fingerprints all over it.

ROBIN
(VO)
All right, I'm ready.

114-6	OMITTED (NOW A PART OF SCENE 106)

116A	INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT

We reveal that the Cable Guy is at Robin's apartment. They are getting ready to go out.

CABLE GUY
(non psychotic voice)
Be right there.

STEVEN
Was that Robin?

CABLE GUY
(psychotic again)
I've got to go. We're going to take a
romantic stroll on the information
superhighway.

Steven drops the phone, and runs out of the room.

116B	INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs down the hall to the elevator. Before he reaches it the doors open, and the two 
policemen who arrested him at work walk out. Steven quickly turns left, but the policemen see 
him, and make chase.

OFFICER
Hey, hold it!

116C	EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven runs out of the hospital. The two policemen run after him, about twenty feet behind. 
Steven jumps in his car, and takes off. The police follow in their car.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

116D	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

Steven's car turns a corner, and flies down a busy boulevard. A second later the police cars follow 
with sirens blaring.

116E	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin are at the dish. He gives her the same tour he gave Steven earlier in the 
film.

CABLE GUY
...it all started in Lansford,
Pennsylvania where Panther Valley
Television, with the assistance of Jerrod
Electronics, created the first cable
television system.

116F	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

The chase continues.

116G	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin are now standing on the edge of the dish.

CABLE GUY
The future is now. Soon every American
home will integrate their television,
phone, and computer. You'll be able to
visit the Louvre on one channel, and
watch female mud wrestling on another.
You can do your shopping at home, or play
a game of Mortal Kombat with a friend in
Vietnam.

117	EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

The chase continues.

Steven slams on the gas, until he is driving one-hundred miles-per-hour. He weaves in and out of 
traffic, running stop lights, and avoiding obstacles. The police cars disappear behind him. On a 
dime, Steven turns left onto a residential street and shuts off his lights. A moment later all of the 
police cars pass by. Steven pulls out and heads the other way.

117A	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

ROBIN
This is really fascinating, but I really
think we ought to go now.

CABLE GUY
I knew you'd appreciate it. I took
Steven here once, and he didn't give a
rats ass about my interests.

ROBIN
I'm worried about Steven.

CABLE GUY
Maybe Steven should be worried about you.
(beat)
So, where was I?

118	OMITTED (NOW PART OF SCENE 109AB)

119	OMITTED

120	OMITTED

121	OMITTED

122	EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT

Steven drives his car up the muddy dirt road. It gets stuck in the mud. He gets out of the car, and 
begins walking to the satellite dish which is surrounded by a chain link fence. He hears the sounds 
of horse hooves coming closer, and closer. The  he sees a headless man on a horse ride straight 
toward the fence. The horse has the coat of arms from Medieval Times. When he reaches it he 
smashes off the chain with a sword, then rides through. The horse rears back on its hind legs.

The horse runs full speed directly at Steven. At the last possible moment the horse jumps over 
Steven. When the horse stops, the Cable Guy pops his head through the top of his coat.

CABLE GUY
(chuckles)
Ichabod Crane! The Disney Channel showed
it all last month.

The Cable Guy rides toward him again.

CABLE GUY
(like the Vegas announcer)
Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbble!!!!

(Revision Ends - Blue)

This time when he gets near Steven, he leaps off the horse, onto him. They both slam into a puddle 
of mud. The Cable Guy punches him in the stomach, and then the face.

STEVEN
Where's Robin?!

CABLE GUY
This isn't about Robin, this is about you
and me.

Steven charges directly at the Cable Guy.

STEVEN
Where's Robin?!!!

Steven tackles him to the ground, and begins hitting him. They are both covered in mud like 
warriors from the rain forest. Steven grabs a large rock and holds it over his head.

STEVEN
Tell me!

CABLE GUY
(nonchalantly)
I'm sorry, I didn't catch the question?

Steven brings down the rock. At the last moment the Cable Guy moves his head. The rock slams 
into the ground.

CABLE GUY
Steven you've changed.
(beat - then impressed)
I like it.

The Cable Guy convulses his body, pushing Steven off him.

They wrestle on the ground. The Cable Guy gets on top of Steven, then pulls a power drill out of 
his belt and turns it on.

CABLE GUY
I think it's time to make you cable ready.

He slowly brings the drill down to Steven. Steven blindly reaches behind him. He grasps a large 
branch and bats the Cable Guy off him.

The Cable Guy grabs a large tree brance and runs towards Steven. They begin fighting in a fashion 
which mirrors their Medieval Times swordfight.

CABLE GUY
Last time we fought I let you win! Best
two out of three!

MUSIC UP: Ominous version of the 'Star Trek' battle music.

CABLE GUY
(crazed)
You treat me like the TV! You use me, but
you can't live without me!

The Cable Guy smashes Steven in the knee with his branch.

CABLE GUY
You can't shut me off with your remote
control!!!! I'm not like Robin and Rick
and Mommy and Daddy and brother and
sister and cousin --

Steven smashes him in the head with the branch.

STEVEN
I got the point.

The Cable Guy goes down. He appears to be unconscious.

ROBIN
(in the distance)
Steven.

He looks to the dish, but cannot see her.

123	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - MOMENTS LATER

Steven climbs over the edge into the dish. Below him he sees that the bottom of the dish is filled 
with several feet of rain water.

Three wires go from the points on the edge of the dish, and meet at a point at the center of the 
satellite, thirty feet above the floor of the dish. ROBIN is hanging by her bound hands from the 
center of where those wires meet.

Steven climbs down towrd the bottom of the dish.

ROBIN
Help me Steven!

In the background we see the blurry image of the Cable Guy climbing through an entry hatch at 
the top of the dish. Robin's eyes fill with terror.

ROBIN
Steven! Look out!

CABLE GUY
(mimics her)
Yeah Steven. Look out!

The Cable Guy leaps out of the hatch like a jack-in-the-box. He slides down the dish, knocking 
Steven down. The two tumble down the slope of the dish, and tumble all the way down into the 
water.

CABLE GUY
(sweetly, like a girl)
I've missed you.

The Cable Guy immediately punches Steven, sending him back into the water. The Cable Guy 
dives on top of him. A moment later the Cable Guy pulls Steven up, then grabs his collar and 
speaks right into his face.

CABLE GUY
(dramatically)
"Dry land is not a myth, I've seen it."
Kevin Costner from Waterworld. I don't
know what the fuss was about, the movie
ruled, I saw it six times.

He pulls Steven under the water, and tries to hold him there. He pulls him up after a few moments.

CABLE GUY
Isn't it weird that we'vve wound up in
this position?

He pushes him under the water again. After a moment he pulls him back up. Steven gasps for air.

CABLE GUY
Who would have thunk it?

Enraged, Steven punches him in the mouth with such tremendous force that it appears to have 
knocked his jaw out of alignment.

CABLE GUY
(without any lisp)
You're gonna have to do better than that
Steven.
(realizing his lisp is gone)
Steven. Hey, my lisp is gone.

Steven hits him again, this time on the other side of the face.

CABLE GUY
(lisping again)
You stupid son of a bitch.

The Cable Guy falls unconscious.

ROBIN
Steven!

Steven runs to her.

124	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER

He runs to the side of the dish. He realizes he must climb up to release her. He climbs onto the 
WIRE and begins tightrope walking toward her. He walks very slowly, almost losing his balance 
several times.

STEVEN
Hang on.

CLOSE ON: The opposite wire. The Cable Guy's muddy hands slam onto it. He pulls himself up.

CABLE GUY
(laughs maniacally)
I know what your saying. Who does this
guy think he is, Jason?

STEVEN
Stay away from her!

Suddenly, the Cable Guy does a front flip, and lands perfectly on the wire.

CABLE GUY
I saw that in Trapeze, starring Tony
Curtis. He was just on "Life-styles of
the Rich and Famous." He still looks
terrific.

Steven is about ten feet from the dangling Robin, but the reverberation from the Cable Guy's 
landing makes Steven lose his balance. He falls over, but catches ont the wire. He is left hanging 
there.

The Cable Guy sees this, and begins to run incredibly fast toward Robin.

CABLE GUY
And the race is on.

He does a cartwheel on the strut, hops on one leg, then takes off toward her, running at full speed.

Steven, left with no other option, simply bounces up and down on the wire. Robin sees this and 
joins him.

The Cable Guy begins to lose his balance.

CABLE GUY
(knows he's about to fall)
This is such an anti-climactic way to end
this.

The Cable Guy loses his balance and falls to the water below. The Cable Guy has surely met his 
demise.

125	EXT. SATELLITTE DISH - LATER

Steven and Robin are sitting in the dish, a few feet from where the water begins. They are 
exhausted from their ordeal. They hold each other close.

ROBIN
I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I love
you.

STEVEN
I love you too. You're right. We
shouldn't get married. I've got a lot of
problems to work out which have
absolutely nothing to do with you.

ROBIN
We'll work them out together.

They kiss. Suddenly the Cable Guy pops up from underwater. He looks frightening. Then he starts 
coughing uncontrollably. He looks like a small boy who has swallowed too much water.

CABLE GUY
(between coughs)
What just happened? Where am I?
(remembers)
Oh yeah, I was trying to kill you.

He leaps at Steven, and puts him in a head-lock. He squeezes until Steven passes out. The he lays 
him on the ground.

CABLE GUY
(to Robin)
It's a sleeper hold. Hulk Hogan used it
on Sly Stallone in "Rocky Three." He
should wake up in thirty seconds, so
let's get going.

He holds her around the neck, and puts a staple gun to her head, then walks her out of the dish.

Steven slowly wakes up. He looks and sees the Cable Guy and Robin beginning to climb up the 
rdio antenna. He quickly gets up to follow them.

126 EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin climb the antenna. Steven follows them up from a distance.

The Cable Guy and Robin reach a platform at the top of the antenna. The Cable Guy holds Robin 
with one hand, and holds a staple gun to her temple with the other hand. Steven climbs onto the 
platform.

STEVEN
Easy.

He walks with Robin to the edge of the platform. There is a one-hundred foot drop to the dish 
below. A police helicopter hovers in the air around them.

CABLE GUY
It didn't have to be this way Steven. I'm
just trying to show you the kind of
things that can happen when you mistreat
people.

STEVEN
Don't do anything stupid.

CABLE GUY
You know this is just like that secen in
that Clint Eastwood movie "Dirty Harry" --

STEVEN
(snaps)
No! This is not like anything! This is
not a movie! We're real people! You're
hurting us! This is reality!

The Cable Guy's eyes turn sad. This hits the Cable Guy like a sucker punch. Dazed, he lets go of 
Robin. She runs to Steven's arms.

From below we hear the sound of sirens. A pack of police cars pull up and surround the antenna. 
The Cable Guy's expression changes. He begins to look like a scared little boy.

CABLE GUY
If this is reality...
(he climbs onto the guard railing)
...I am outta here.

The Cable Guy slowly falls backward off the antenna.

STEVEN
Nooo!

Steven lunges for the Cable Guy, grabbing his forearm, then grabbing the antenna with the other 
hand.

STEVEN
You're not going anywhere.

The Cable Guy hangs high above the satellite dish. Steven tries to pull the Cable Guy back onto 
the platform, but the Cable Guy does not want to be saved.

STEVEN
Don't do this. You just need help. We all
get lonely.

CABLE GUY
Yeah, but I get really lonely.
(beat)
I mean, look at me.

STEVEN
You're gonna be fine. Just come on up.

CABLE GUY
(a long beat)
Steven, I think I sat too close to the
television. Mommy was right.

Steven can't hold onto his forearm any longer. The Cable Guy's arm slips and Steven grabs onto 
his hand at the last possible second.

CABLE GUY
It's too late for me, but there's a lot
of little Cable Boys out there who still
have a chance. Say good-bye to the baby-
sitter.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

The Cable Guy stops holding onto Steven's hand. He begins falling toward the dish below.

126A	EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT

LONG WIDE SHOT of the entire antenna.

The Cable Guy falls backward toward the satellite.

127	INT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT

A nuclear family is watching court TV.

On the TV - A REPORTER speaks to the camera from the courthouse.

REPORTER
This is the moment America has been
waiting for. We've just been told the
jury is ready to render their decision.

128	EXT. ANTENNA - CINTINUOUS

The Cable Guy sails through the air. As he falls he looks almost peaceful. Totally comfortable with 
what he is doing.

128AA	INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

A COUCH POTATO sits on a fold out bed, his eyes glued on the television.

ON THE TV - The COURT CLERK is about to read the jury's decision.

COURT CLERK
By unanimous vote the defendant Sam
Sweet...

128AB	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON - The Cable Guy plummeting toward the dish, about to hit.

128AC	INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS

The camera flies through the crowd at the same speed as the Cable Guy straight into a close up of 
the television.

COURT CLERK
...has been found --

We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.

128A	EXT. TOP OF THE ANTENNA - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Robin gasp.

128B	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

From below we see the Cable Guy's silhouette motionless on the struts of the satellite dish.

128C	EXT. THE CITY - CONTINUOUS

A wide panorama of the city. All of the color televisions which can be seen through the many 
windows of apartments and houses turn to white noise.

128D	INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS

The television shows white noise. Everyone screams at the TV.

129	OMITTED

130	OMITTED

131	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy appears dead. The needle of the antenna sticks through his mid-section. A red light 
blinks at the tip of the needle. Then, the Cable Guy's eyes open.

CABLE GUY
Damn, that hurt like a mother. What the
hell was I thinking?
(looks at the needle)
Oh man, that stings.

Steven and Robin look relieved.

CABLE GUY
A little help here!

132	OMITTED

133	OMITTED

134	INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - NIGHT

A pasty white couch potato stares at the white noise, not sure what to do. He turns and picks up a 
book. As music crescendos he begins to read.

135	EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER

The Cable Guy is being taken away on a stretcher toward an emergency helicopter. Steven and 
Robin are covered in police blankets. Steven calls to a paramedic.

STEVEN
Is he going to be all right?

PARAMEDIC
I don't know. It's in God's hands.

The paramedics put the Cable Guy on the helicopter. The helicopter flies away.

P.O.V. SHOT - From the helicopter looking down on Steven and Robin holding each other, 
getting smaller and smaller until they disappear.

136	INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy lies in a stretcher next to the paramedic. He is barely conscious, struggling for 
survival.

PARAMEDIC
Hang in there buddy. Stay with me. Just
stay with me.

The Cable Guy's eyes slowly open. He motions for the paramedic to come closer.

CABLE GUY
Am I really your buddy?

137	EXT. SKY - DAWN

The helicopter flies away.

THE END

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