DAVE BARRY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS
Written by
Jeff Arch
From the book by
Dave Barry
February 2nd, 2004
FADE IN:
EXT. MIAMI - OCEAN AVE, SOUTH BEACH - DAY
Blazing sun. MUSIC everywhere. Everybody's living la vida.
LEOPOLD (V.0.)
And we're good to go.
TWO MEN come out of the BEACON HOTEL. Loud Hawaiian shirts,
walking a Chihuahua. They pause; take in the scene on Ocean.
Adjust their EARPIECES.
LEOPOLD (V.0.)
Proceed to first checkpoint and hold.
They thread their way to the corner... across the street.. .onto
the Promenade. Under fat shady palm trees, to a CLEARING --
CUT TO:
EXT. THE ROOF OF THE BEACON HOTEL - CONTINUOUS
AGENT STEARNS has a RIFLE with a kick-ass scope. AGENT LEOPOLD
watches through binoculars; talks through a collar mike.
LEOPOLD
Okay sit tight. Company's coming.
THROUGH BINOCULARS NOW, as TWO DEADLY MEN approach like
barracudas. A THIRD GUY, BEHIND THEM, the KINGPIN they're
protecting. Then as TREETOPS BLOCK THE VIEW --
LEOPOLD
Shit. Hang on.
Leopold scans, looking for them. Searching, until he FINDS --
LEOPOLD
WHOA --
The Hawaiian Shirt Guys hear that. The SEE the Barracudas,
getting nearer; steal a look at the roof...
CUT TO:
POV FROM ROOFTOP - THROUGH BINOCULARS - A FANTASTIC BLONDE
rinses off at an outdoor shower. Beads of spray skip off
her like diamonds in the sunlight.
2.
STEARNS
Oh, mama.
She bends, twists; water streams down every delicious curve.
LEOPOLD
She sure is taking her time...
STEARNS
She must be really salty...
LEOPOLD
(shakes his head)
It's not just the salt. She's got
sunscreen on. Then the sand gets on
that, and it sticks...
(then still watching)
Hell, one time I was in Hawaii? And
these three models --
STEARNS
Wait a minute.
(looks at him)
Hawaii.
LEOPOLD
-- Shit!
He WHIPS THE BINOCULARS back: but all that's left is the
Chihuahua. Then, walking into the spot --
DAVE
Hi, I'm Dave Barry. Has something
like this ever happened to you?
(bends down to pet
THE CHIHUAHUA)
Because if you're a guy - or if you
know someone who is - then what you've
just seen should look pretty familiar.
He picks up the Chihuahua, starts walking with it.
DAVE
Scientists call this condition "Lust
Induced Brain Freeze." It affects
millions of guys, every day, in all
walks of life -- causing anything
from a mild embarrassment, to an
international incident.
He stops. Finds LEOPOLD and STEARNS and SEVERAL OTHER AGENTS
pointing GUNS at him.
3.
LEOPOLD
Hand over the dog.
DAVE
Hey. I didn't even know it was a
dog.
They take it from him; rush it away. Dave turns to CAMERA.
DAVE
Notice I didn't say it's a condition
that affects men every day -- only
guys. And that subtle but important
difference is one of the things this
movie is about.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A HUSBAND and his WIFE. He has suitcases by the front door.
WIFE
You'll never get away with this.
I'll sue you down to your last penny.
HUSBAND
Good luck - I transferred everything
we own into private accounts, where
you can't touch it. In fact, as of
now, you're broke.
WIFE
But...why?
HUSBAND
I've fallen in love with another
woman. A younger woman. Prettier,
with no cellulite. Actually, I think
you'd like her.
WIFE
You bastard.
The IMAGE FREEZES. Dave walks into the room.
DAVE
Now clearly, this woman is dealing
with a Man.
(MORE)
4.
DAVE (CONT'D)
Whereas Guys aren't capable of
doing anything like what you just
saw. Guys are more like this:
CUT TO:
INT. A BAR/RESTAURANT - NIGHT
A DIFFERENT HUSBAND sits across from his WIFE. Above and
behind her is a TV with SportsCenter on.
WIFE
I just want you to know, I've thought
about this a lot.
GUY HUSBAND
Mm.
WIFE
And I've talked it over with everyone
I know.
GUY HUSBAND
(NODS)
Good.
She looks down; stirs her soda.
WIFE
So there's nothing left to do now,
but leave you, forever, and only see
you from across a shiny conference
table with bloodthirsty lawyers all
around it.
GUY HUSBAND
(a beat; turns to her)
-- Okay.
WIFE
"Okay?" That's all you have to say?
(then watching him)
Well then I guess this is it.
She pushes back from the table, starts off.
GUY HUSBAND
Wait a minute.
(THEN)
This can't be happening...
The words she's waited for. She turns, relieved.
GUY HUSBAND
(to the tv)
How can you dQ that? How can you
trade Lupenza?
(then to the BARTENDER)
What's the matter with these people?
BARTENDER
Beats me. I saw this on the eight
o'clock.
GUY HUSBAND
He's the backbone of the whole team!
They're pikers without Lupenza!
WIFE
I'll see you in court.
GUY HUSBAND
-- I gotta call Lenny.
He takes out his cell phone. She levels a look.
WIFE
Maybe you should call your lawyer
too.
GUY HUSBAND
If he could hit left-handed pitching,
I would.
(THEN)
Lenny. Pick up -- the Yankees got
Lupenza!
The IMAGE FREEZES.
CUT TO:
EXT. A FRONT PORCH - DAY
Two OLD PEOPLE on a glider. LENORE talks directly to CAMERA.
ALBERT'S absorbed with some device that we can't see.
LENORE
Well when I met him, I didn't know
so much. About guys, or men or what
have you -- we just didn't talk about
such things then. In fact, I didn't
see him naked until quite well into
our marriage. When was it Albert?
6.
ALBERT
A year ago. By accident.
LENORE
Anyway. I thought I was marrying a
man, but didn't know that in his
heart, he was a guy.
DAVE (O.S.)
When did you first suspect?
LENORE
Not long after the wedding. But it
didn't bother me. I just didn't
know how to recognize the signs.
But we've learned to live with it.
Haven't we, Albert?
(then after a beat)
Albert.
ALBERT
It's twelve hundred and thirty-one
miles from this spot right here, to
Cleveland.
LENORE
What does that have to do with
anything?
He holds up the device - handheld GPS.
ALBERT
Six hundred fifty-one from Atlanta.
LENORE
Who cares how far we are from Atlanta?
ALBERT
You have a cousin there.
LENORE
Albert. There's a person here asking
us questions. There's a film crew
here.
He looks up at the CAMERA, as if just noticing someone there.
Then holding up the GPS --
ALBERT
You. Where do you live.
DAVE (O.S.)
Here in Miami.
ALBERT
What part.
Lenore buries her head.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - DAY
Dave walks down a crowded street. Colorful day life.
DAVE
Like a lot of big cities, Miami is
known for its sizeable population of
guys. So we came here to take the
city's pulse on the subject.
CUT TO:
INT. A SECRETARY'S OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY
A young, pretty, single SECRETARY.
SECRETARY
Let me put it this way. Everyone I
ever dated was a male. I mean they
were all men. But only some of them
were guys. You know?
DAVE (O.S.)
I see.
SECRETARY
(thinks about it)
-- The guys were funnier. But the
men were more responsible. You could
almost half-believe them when they
told you something sometimes.
DAVE (O.S.)
So, if you were to meet someone that
was funny and responsible...
SECRETARY
That would be a woman.
CUT TO:
EXT. EQUESTRIAN ESTATE - STABLES - DAY
A 20-ish HORSE GROOMER talks to the CAMERA while she combs
out a mane.
8.
HORSE GROOMER
Well guys, they're sort of like your
older brother. And men are like
your dad.
DAVE (O.S.)
In what way?
HORSE GROOMER
Your older brother doesn't have to
grow up. Your dad came that way.
CUT TO:
EXT. BARN - DAY
Dave walks out of the barn towards CAMERA.
DAVE
So now you have some background on
basic guy attributes. But before we
move on, let's look at one more scene
and see where you stand --
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE"
INT. ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
ELAINE works at a window desk. ROGER watches NFL on FOX.
JOHN MADDEN
(ON TV)
-- now that's the kind of middle
linebacker you like to see. He's
got the mud all over him, he's got
the bleeding knuckles, he's got the
clumps of grass all jammed in his
HELMET --
ELAINE
Roger?
ROGER
(to the tv)
Oh man you gotta show that again
Shepauses; chews her pen...
ELAINE
Roger...I think I really love you.
(MORE)
9
ELAINE (CONT'D)
(looks over there)
But I can't bear the uncertainty
anymore, of where this relationship
is going.
Roger turns...
ELAINE
I'm not asking whether you want to
get married. Only whether you believe
that we have some kind of a future
together. That you, and I - have a
future.
JOHN MADDEN
Now this is just what you want in a
playoff game. You got snow, you got
mud, you got a lead that keeps
changing, you got two great teams
that just hate each other to the
bone and would rather die than give
up...
Roger looks...then takes the REMOTE and TURNS OFF THE TV -
waving Elaine over, who cuddles into him.
ROGER
I've been thinking too, Elaine. And
for the first time in my life, I'm
feeling like I might really be close
to a lasting commitment. I haven't
said anything up until now because
it's always been important to me
that I not mislead you. But yes,
Elaine. I want to think that we dQ
have a future. And with a little
more time, I think I could be sure.
ELAINE
Oh, Roger...
He smiles. Strokes her hair and pulls her in even closer.
They share a long deep sigh together, As the PICTURE FREEZES
and DAVE WALKS IN.
DAVE
If this was how you responded, you're
not a guy. You may not even exist.
(then taking the remote)
On the other hand...
10.
ROGER AND ELAINE DIGITALLY REWIND BACK TO THEIR EARLIER
POSITIONS. DAVE RESTARTS THE ACTION AS ELAINE IS SAYING --
ELAINE
I'm not asking whether you want to
get married. Only whether you believe
that we have some kind of a future
together. That you, and I - have a
future.
(then looking at him)
Roger?
ROGER
(engrossed in game)
What.
FREEZE on her look, and --
DAVE
(TO CAMERA)
If that was you...you're a guy.
CUT TO:
INT. A DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
SHERYL CROW talks to the CAMERA before going onstage. The
muffled SOUNDS of the warmup band O.S.
SHERYL CROW
Well there were always guys at my
shows - right from the beginning. I
mean you start out playing beer halls,
right? So when you have beer, you
have guys. And it sorta just grew
from there. But I was okay with it.
They didn't cause much trouble.
DAVE (O.S.)
And what about men.
SHERYL CROW
Men cause trouble.
(THEN)
But that's okay too. I get half my
songs from that.
DAVE (O.S.)
So it all works out.
11.
SHERYL CROW
Long as they buy the records...
CUT TO:
INT. MIAMI PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY
Dave walks along the stacks in the ANTHROPOLOGY SECTION.
DAVE
So where did this all start? Many
experts now think they know where
men came from, but what about Guys?
where did they come from?
He stops, peels off a THICK BOOK full of science things.
DAVE
To answer this question accurately,
we might have to look something up.
So instead we'll travel back to
prehistoric sub-Saharan Africa, and
get there just in time for the Dawn
of Guys.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE DAWN OF GUYS"
CUT TO:
EXT. PREHISTORIC AFRICA - MOONLIGHT
The endless expanse. A cluster of caves. SOUND EFX of all
kinds of nasty shit out there. Skittering over rocks.
Slithering through the grasses. Bigger predators, circling...
A ROOSTER cocks his head back and CROWS out.
CUT TO:
TNT. ONE OF THE CAVES
PRIMATE ROGER opens one eye...SEES PRIMATE ELAINE, PRIMATE
KIDS and PRIMATE IN-LAWS. Hairy grunting things, all sleeping
in a protective clump...
12.
He rolls over, back to sleep. But the ROOSTER CROWS again...
CUT TO:
THE ROOSTER, COOKING ON AN OPEN FIRE
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CAVES - MORNING
PRIMATE ROGER comes out. A sleepy nod at PRIMATE GENE and
OTHER PRIMATES, as they take up LARGE JAGGED ROCK SLABS
leaning against their caves and start off. In a few million
years they'll be leaving suburban driveways this way.
EXT. TRAIL FROM CAVE AREA - CAVES IN B.G. - MORNING
PRIMATE ROGER and PRIMATE GENE have joined PRIMATE LENNY and
PRIMATE PHIL. All carrying their slabs of jagged rocks.
PRIMATE ROGER
Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!
(SUBTITLE)
0
-- and that's why wildebeests are so
mean.
PRIMATE GENE
Grunt grunt!0
Ha ha!
PRIMATE LENNY
Grunt grunt grunt! 0
That's really funny!
PRIMATE PHIL
Grunt ...0
I don't get it...
The other three look at him.
EXT. THE CAVE AREA - DAY
PRIMATE WOMEN work in stooped-over positions, trying to pound
roots and tend fires while BABY PRIMATES crawl all over them.
They HEAR the Primate Guys' laughter trailing off. They
trade looks; Something seems to pass between them...
EXT. HUNTING GROUNDS - DAY
Primates Roger, Gene, Lenny and Phil get to the grounds and
SEE PRIMATES PETE and LOUIE already there. These two don't
have the rock slabs though.
13
PRIMATE ROGER
Grunt grunt?0
Whassup?
PRIMATE PETE
Grunt grunt grunt. 0
Nothing. We've been hunting.
PRIMATE GENE
Grunt grunt? 0
Where are your jagged rock slabs?
PRIMATE LOUIE
Grunt? ❑
Slabs?
(looks at Primate
PETE)
Grunt grunt grunt? ❑
Who needs slabs?
Primate Pete laughs with him; then holds up a ROUND ROCK,
about the size of a grapefruit. Primate Roger and Primate
Gene trade looks with Primate Lenny and Primate Phil.
Grunting/subtitles continue.
FIRST FOUR PRIMATES
Ooooohhhh.
Ooooohhhh.
PRIMATE ROGER
Where'd you get that?
PRIMATE PETE
Primate Discount Manny. He just got
them in.
PRIMATE ROGER
Mind if I have a look?
PRIMATE PETE
Be my guest.
He hands it over. Primate Roger lays down his jagged rock
slab to check it out. His buddies gather round.
PRIMATE GENE
How do you kill an animal with that?
PRIMATE LOUIE
You throw it.
14.
PRIMATE LENNY
You mean you don't chase the old
ones until they get tired and then
hit them with the jagged rock slabs?
PRIMATE PETE
(shakes his head)
You can stand in one place all day.
And when they go by, you just let
loose.
He shows a throwing motion. The first four look intrigued.
PRIMATE LOUIE
You can carry more than one - and if
you're throwing uphill, it rolls
back down if you miss. It's so much
easier with these.
PRIMATE GENE
-- I'm sticking with mine.
(then off their looks)
We've been using these jagged slabs
forever. And you know why? Because
they work. And anyway, killing them
is only half of it -- how are you
gonna skin a wildebeest with that?
They look at Primate Pete: Yeah, how? But he's there.
PRIMATE PETE
We get the women to do it.
They look among themselves. They like it. But then.
PRIMATE ROGER
How?
PRIMATE PETE
-- I'm working on it.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CAVE AREA - SUNSET
The PRIMATE WOMEN are still, pounding roots and tending fires
and dealing with climbing PRIMATE KIDS. They HEAR SHOUTS
O.S.; gather and go to the ridge where they SEE
POV FROM RIDGE --
The PRIMATE GUYS are coming back, without their jagged slabs
and without any animals. But they are having great fun:
15.
running in primitive patterns, and throwing one of the ROCKS
back and forth and chasing whoever has it. It looks like
the beginnings of rugby, or Australian Rules Football, in
terms of all they need now is beer.
The PRIMATE WOMEN watch. And trade looks. Once more,
something seems to pass between them...
CUT TO:
INT. PRIMATE CAVE - NIGHT
Primate Roger and Primate Elaine try to keep it down for the
Primate Kids' sake.
PRIMATE ELAINE
(grunting, subtitled)
Please don't tell me you got rid of
your jagged rock slab.
PRIMATE ROGER
But these are great!
PRIMATE ELAINE
But you didn't kill anything.
PRIMATE ROGER
Nobody's going with jagged slabs
anymore.
PRIMATE ELAINE
But the kids are hungry.
PRIMATE ROGER
What about your pounded roots?
PRIMATE ELAINE
Pounded roots are a side dish. They
need balance in their diets.
(then off his look)
And another thing - suppose you do
start bringing animals home using
this -- who's going to skin and clean
them?
He looks at her-the SOUND of TOMORROW'S ROOSTER CROWING as
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CAVE - MORNING
Primate Roger comes out of the cave, with his rock. He gives
it such a look.
16.
Then looking up at the sky he hurls it, up as high as he
can...
AND THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THE ROCK, UP, UP, IN SLOW MOTION,
PEAKING, THEN STARTING ITS DESCENT BACK TO EARTH -- ONLY NOW
IT'S NOT A ROCK BUT A WINDOWS --
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
-- which ROGER is holding, across from ELAINE on the couch.
ELAINE
Five hundred dollars?
ROGER
It can hold a thousand addresses.
ELAINE
So can my address book.
ROGER
Can your address book pick up your
em-ail?
ELAINE
No but my computer can.
ROGER
Well this can do both.
ELAINE
For five hundred dollars it should
give me a manicure, Roger! It should
drive me home from work at night!
HOW could you spend that kind of
money without discussing it first?
On Roger's look...the PICTURE FREEZES. Dave walks in.
DAVE
There's a whole list of things a guy
is supposed to discuss first.
Unfortunately, he never knows what
they are until he's already not
discussed them.
(MORE)
17.
DAVE (CONT'D)
To a girl it's a pain in the butt.
But to a guy - some things just come
naturally...
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PROW OF A SHIP - DAY
Shrouded in fog. EXPLORER ROGER scans the horizon through a
spyglass. Next to him is long-suffering EXPLORER ELAINE.
EXPLORER ELAINE
Well did you ask?
EXPLORER ROGER
This is a shortcut.
Explorer Elaine shakes her head. Dave enters.
DAVE
There's a very simple reason why
guys don't ask for directions. It's
because they know that if they do,
someone else - most likely Visigoths -
will come and steal their woman.
CAMERA PANS to the side rails, where a CLUSTER OF HUNGRY
VISIGOTHS nod, slobbering, confirming this.
EXPLORER ELAINE
I just want to get to Colonial
America.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUYS IN COLONIAL AMERICA"
EXT. BOSTON HARBOR - NIGHT
A bunch of GUYS dressed as Indians are throwing barrels into
the water. A COLONIAL REPORTER interviews COLONIAL ROGER.
COLONIAL REPORTER
-- and this is your way of expressing
the public outrage over the high-
handed anti-democratic actions of
the British Government in general
and King George III in specific?
COLONIAL ROGER
(looks a little nervous)
Uh, yeah.
18.
COLONIAL REPORTER
Might I ask, sir, whose idea was
this?
COLONIAL ROGER
(POINTS)
Guy over there.
COLONIAL REPORTER
The one drinking coffee?
COLONIAL ROGER
That's him. His name's Starbuck.
He said to get rid of all the tea.
COLONIAL REPORTER
(NODS; THEN)
I see. One more question. Aren't
those Greek fraternity letters painted
on your chest?
The Guy looks; GREEK LETTERS in greasepaint.
COLONIAL ROGER
I didn't do that.
(then as the Reporter
WAITS)
Don't tell anyone.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY
FOUR MIAMI GIRLS, ethnically cross-sectioned. LILA. MIA.
SIDRA. KARLA E.
LILA
Well that's pretty much how it is
right now, right? They don't grow
up. Or, they grow up, but they
don't change.
MIA
(NODS)
You want to know how to spot a guy,
there's your first clue: Look for an
otherwise man who did not grow up.
SIDRA
No they grow up all right -- but
only just enough - you know?
(MORE)
19.
SIDRA (CONT'D)
Like they'll meet the absolute minimum
requirements of being a man, but
that's it. The rest of the time
they're fourth-graders. Walking
fourth-graders.
KARLA E
More like driving fourth graders.
SIDRA
With credit cards.
LILA
And a phone.
MIA
And give them ten minutes on their
own? Or put them in with other guys?
Now you've gone nuclear.
KARLA E
Please.
CUT TO:
EXT. BURGER KING - DAY
The lot is filled with 60's and 70's cars. Dave gets out of
a CHEVY VEGA; has mutton-chop sideburns, talks to CAMERA.
DAVE
In learning to understand Guys today,
it's important to remember that these
same guys, only yesterday, were just
kids.
CUT TO :
INT. BURGER KING - DAY
A table of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS: punching, eating, climbing all
over each other. One poor luckless DAD with them.
BURGER KING DAD
Stop punching!
BURGER KING KID
We're not punching!
BURGER KING DAD
You are too punching - now stop! We
didn't come here to punch!
20.
They stop; look at him as if he's crazy. Then one of them
notices ROGER AT 8 looking O.S.
BURGER KING KID
Hey Roger's got a girlfriend.
ROGER AT 8
I do not!
BURGER KING KID
Then what're you looking at!
ROGER AT 8
Nothing!
And they start punching again. The Dad looks up - so weary...
DAVE
(AT COUNTER)
Here we can see where even at an
early age, guy behavior is already
well developed along complex patterns
that social scientists have called,
"jerks." While girls at the same
age are referred to by the same social
scientists, as "human beings."
ANGLE ON A TABLE FULL OF GIRLS - INCLUDING ELAINE AT AGE 8
They are all chatting nicely, passing out napkins and ketchup
packets making sure everyone has what they need. While the
MOTHER that brought them quietly reads a novel.
DAVE
See? Humans.
He walks past with his takeout order. As ELAINE at 8 notices
Roger, blushing, taking all this punishment because of her.
BURGER KING DAD
(as Dave exits)
Will you please stop punching!
CUT TO:
INT. NOTED PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE - DAY
Dave sits across from a BRITISH GUY with a SUBTITLE saying,
"Noted Pediatrician. " He has a laser pointer and a
powerpoint presentation.
21.
DAVE
Where are we in the area of Guy
Violence, Doctor.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
Well first, one must understand the
inherent differences in DNA and cell
structure as relates to men and women.
(CLICKING SLIDES)
For example, all women have a gene
that makes them have the need for
meaningful conversations. Likewise,
all men have a gene in them that we
scientists believe is directly related
to violence.
DAVE
And what can be done about that.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
well, some of my esteemed colleagues
are quite keen on the idea of
tampering with the DNA itself - an
idea with which I heartily disagree.
The bastards...
DAVE
Then what would you recommend.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
Me? Well they can start by spreading
out the funding a little bit. Let a
few other scientists wet their beaks.
I mean what's the point of rewarding
the same tired old hacks, year after
YEAR --
DAVE
I meant about Guy Violence.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
OH --
(then shifting back)
Well nothing, really. I mean, what
can you do. Short of lobotomizing
them, anyway. No I suppose we'll
just have to continue to channel
their aggression into socially
acceptable outlets. Like professional
wrestling, or the space program.
DAVE
I see. Can I ask you a question?
22.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
Certainly.
DAVE
Where'd you get that laser pointer.
SCIENTIFIC EXPERT
It's mine.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY
Dave stands in front of the entrance.
DAVE
A lot of work has been done in the
field of children's toys and how
they unconsciously reinforce gender
roles. Studies have found that over
ninety-three per cent of this work
is done by researchers who don't
have children of their own. But to
test the theory anyway, we're here
at Toy World Warehouse Planet.
CUT TO:
INT. TOY WORLD WAREHOUSE PLANET - DAY
Dave shepherds new father GENE up to the CUSTOMER HELP
counter.
DAVE
Hi! My friend here is looking for
toys for his son that are gender
neutral, environmentally sound, and
culturally unbiased!
SALES GUY
Here it is.
He brings up a box with a picture of a spinning top on it.
NEW FATHER GENE
What's it do?
SALES GUY
It's recyclable.
23.
NEW FATHER GENE
Where are the trucks and guns.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOY WORLD PARKING LOT - DAY
New Father Gene meets up with NEW MOTHER KELLY at the car.
She came from GROCERY WORLD; he helps load up the bags...
NEW MOTHER KELLY
What's this?
NEW FATHER GENE
(looks, sees the toy
STORE BOX)
Oh I got that for Benjy.
NEW MOTHER KELLY
You were supposed to get a rattle.
NEW FATHER GENE
All the rattles were recalled.
NEW MOTHER KELLY
So you bought a tank.
NEW FATHER GENE
Wait'll you see what this can do,
baby. Benjy's gonna love it.
NEW MOTHER KELLY
Oh yeah? Can he shake it? Will it
rattle?
NEW FATHER GENE
Rattle? This thing'll bring down a
bookshelf!
She looks at him. He'll be returning the thing within
seconds. CAMERA PANS to Dave, who shrugs.
CUT TO:
EXT. DETROIT - ED'S AUTO SHOP - DAY
A rundown place with junked cars out front. ED's an intense
little guy in a Tigers' hat and a couple major tattoos.
ED
Well I'm into fireworks. I like to
take 'em apart, you know. And study
'em. See what makes 'em tick.
24.
He shows Dave a box with ASSORTED FIREWORKS inside.
ED
I just got these from Ohio. I don't
think they're as good as the ones I
got from Tennessee. Not as loud,
you know?
DAVE
Well no, if loud is your --
ED
If you want to hear loud - listen to
this.
He goes over to a different box, takes out what looks like a
stick of dynamite. Gets ready to light it; turns to CAMERA.
ED
You may want to step back a couple
hundred yards.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE'S CAR - TRAVELING - DAY
As Ed's Auto Shop recedes in the background - with a LOUD
EXPLOSION accompanying -
DAVE
So when we see guys like Ed, and his
fireworks - or guys shooting marine
flares into innocent pumpkins, or
building catapults that'll throw a
Buick - we should not condemn them.
We should not assume these are just
pointless juvenile activities.
Instead we should be convinced they
are, and move on to Guys in the
Workplace.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - PHILADELPHIA - DAY
A PHILADELPHIA GIRL stands outside a CHEESESTEAK PLACE.
PHILADELPHIA GIRL
Guys at work? Or guys doing work.
(MORE)
25.
PHILADELPHIA GIRL (CONT'D)
I mean unless you want to talk about
faxing or emailing their stupid jokes
back and forth. Sick jokes.
CUT TO:
EXT. WALL STREET - DAY
Dave and a SEASONED BROKER eat HOT DOGS from a CORNER CART.
BROKER
Ten, fifteen years ago? A guy would
call you up with some joke he just
heard. So you wanna pass it on,
it's by phone. One person at a time.
Then a while later, some guy calls
you up with the same exact joke.
Then when group faxing came in, it
really sped things up. Next thing
you know there's like ten faxes on
your machine, from places you never
even heard of. Places around the
world, I'm saying.
DAVE
And how long would that take.
BROKER
A run of the mill, 'guy walks into a
bar' joke, those'd take about .a. week
to come back to you. The topical
ones, your mass murders and tragic
accidents and the like, they're
naturally gonna have a lot more heat
on them and they'll circulate a lot
quicker. I mean no one's gonna sit
on a Princess Diana joke until three
weeks after the crash. No one i
know, anyway.
(THEN CHEWING)
Now there's the internet -- and what
used to take a week'll take like
seconds. I'm telling you it's getting
harder and harder to keep up.
DAVE
A lot of people don't understand the
attention and the kind of importance
these jokes have.
BROKER
Who.
(MORE)
26.
BROKER (CONT'D)
(THEN)
Oh you mean women? Well, you know -
what's the importance of having
fifteen pairs of shoes?
DAVE
No one knows that.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "ROGER AND ELAINE"
INT. ELAINE'S CAR - DAY
Roger is slumped across the back seat; messed-up clothes and
in obvious pain. Elaine drives; talks to CAMERA.
ELAINE
So I get this call at work.
(then to Roger back
THERE)
You want to tell this?
ROGER
Its just a sprain.
ELAINE
(shakes her head)
I get on the phone and they say he's
okay - but maybe I should come down
to the paper and get him. Does he
look okay?
ROGER
It's a sprain. It just looks worse.
ELAINE
Not the way I heard it.
CUT TO:
TNT. NEWSPAPER BUILDING - EARLIER THAT DAY
Roger's at his desk; can't help but HEAR PATRICK, TOM and
GENE talking nearby.
PATRICK
He's how old?
TOM
High school. A sophomore.
27.
GENE
Big deal. I could run the forty
that fast.
TOM
You and who - the Flash? This kid
set a national record.
GENE
Yeah? What nation.
BACK TO:
TNT. ELAINE'S CAR - CONTINUING
ELAINE
(TO ROGER)
Tell me something. If the article
was about a poem there wouldn't be
an argument - would there.
ROGER
Why would there be an article about
a poem.
ELAINE
I'm just saying. I don't see the
four of you fighting over who can
write the better sonnet.
ROGER
So?
ELAINE
So no one gets hurt writing sonnets.
ROGER
(off her look; then)
It's a sprain.
BACK TO:
INT. THE NEWSPAPER BUILDING - DAY
Roger listens more agitated as the argument mounts.
GENE
When did you last run the forty?
PATRICK
Hey. I could beat you in the forty
running backwards.
28.
TOM
You couldn't even beat your butt
running backwards.
ROGER
(from his desk)
Will you guys cut it out?
They stop. Look at him.
ROGER
The kid in the story's in high school.
You're not. You're supposed to be
adults and you're bragging about who
can beat who in a stupid footrace.
TOM
No one's bragging.
PATRICK
Gene's just saying he can run the
forty in under six seconds.
ROGER
Hey. I can do it in under six
seconds.
FREEZE THE PICTURE, on their expressions. BRING UP "CHARIOTS
OF FIRE" MUSIC
DISSOLVE T0:
EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
The FOUR GUYS crouch in their starting stance. A SECRETARY
stands at the end of a marked-off course with a stopwatch
and a whistle. She blows the whistle. They're off.
SLOW MOTION WITH MUSIC
All four guys explode off the line. Patrick gets five strides
and goes down. Tom gets two more and falls, howling in pain.
Then Gene and Roger, neck and neck for at least three more
strides until Roger HEARS A "POP," that ECHOES over the music,
and goes toppling down. As Gene finishes alone - gripping
his side in awful pain but pumping his fist in victory.
29.
MUSIC FADES AS
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Elaine comes in; Roger, limping and leaning heavily on her.
ELAINE
I don't know why I listened to you.
You need to see a doctor.
ROGER
It's a sprain, Elaine.
ELAINE
Roger you can't walk.
ROGER
It'll work itself out.
She gives him a look. Parks him long enough to close the
door behind him. Without her support, he drops to the floor.
She turns to the CAMERA.
ELAINE
Why won't they go to the doctor?
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
British, white coat, stethoscope.
DOCTOR
Here's why.
He holds up a RUBBER GLOVE. Dangles it harmlessly.
DOCTOR
I don't care who they are. If they
think there's even a chance their
doctor will use one of these - and
they always assume there is - they
won't come in.
(MORE)
30.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
(puts it away, shakes
HIS HEAD)
If there's anything out there that
would bring them in... it hasn't
been invented yet.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC"
EXT. FANTASY GUY MEDICAL CLINIC - DAY
It says so on the SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN, like an international
road sign, has a graphic of a HAND IN A RUBBER GLOVE with a
RED LINE through it. There are also SPORTS TEAM BANNERS.
CUT TO:
INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY
The DOCTOR checks a GUY'S chart. There's a TV with ESPN on
in the exam room.
GUY DOCTOR
What seems to be the problem?
GUY PATIENT
Well the main thing is, I keep
coughing up blood. And I get these
really severe chest pains, and double
vision sometimes. And every night
at sunset, little worms come burrowing
out of my skin.
GUY DOCTOR
It's just a sprain.
GUY PATIENT
That's what I thought.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUY FEELINGS"
INT. MIAMI - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY
Karla E, Mia, Lila and Sidra again, with Dave.
DAVE
A lot has been said about how guys
don't share their feelings.
31
KARLA E
You mean they have them?
MIA
Or they have them and don't
acknowledge them.
LILA
Or they don't think that others have
them.
SIDRA
Or they just don't think.
DAVE
(as they agree on
THAT)
-- Is it possible that they do have
feelings, they do acknowledge them
and they do know others have them -
but they just don't express it the
same way?
Four blank faces look at him. Then.
KARLA E
Sports. They have feelings about
sports.
LILA
And their underwear.
(POLLS THEM)
You ever try and throw out their
underwear?
MIA
Once. I nearly lost my life.
SIDRA
They act like it's so sacred. I've
seen pairs of briefs with holes in
them larger than the leg holes.
(as the others nod)
I tried to throw a pair out once?
And sneak it past him? He went out
into the garbage and found them. He
said he couldn't trust me after that.
KARLA E
Tell me what that's all about.
SIDRA
I don't even want to think about it.
32.
DAVE
(off their reactions)
So you agree then, that guys at least
have feelings.
MIA
They just waste them. That's all.
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT
ROGER and ELAINE get out of Roger's car. Elaine has an
armload of magazines.
ELAINE
Now remember. Gene's dad is real
sick. Kelly says he doesn't talk
about it. So see if you can draw
him out.
ROGER
He already did talk about it.
ELAINE
Oh? What did he say?
ROGER
He said his dad is real sick.
She gives him a look. Gets to the door.
ROGER
What are those?
ELAINE
Kelly's boss is turning forty.
ROGER
So you're giving her magazines?
ELAINE
(a look; then)
Just see if you can get him to talk.
CUT TO:
INT. DEN - NIGHT
There's a GAME on. Gene sort of stares. Roger has a SHOEBOX
on his lap; goes through Gene's SEGA cartridges.
33.
ROGER
Galaxians. Far out...
GENE
(while Roger keeps
LOOKING)
Can you believe the Yankees got
Lupenza.
ROGER
They get everybody.
GENE
I know. They suck.
ROGER
I know.
Silence. Roger pulls out two cartridges, compares them.
GENE
I got to Level 24 of Arkanoids.
ROGER
(TURNS)
-- You're kidding.
Gene shakes his head. He's not. This is big.
ROGER
You've seen the Evil Presence?
(then off his look)
What's it look like?
Gene shrugs; even the best of friends. Roger understands.
CAMERA PANS to Dave.
DAVE
Believe it or not, ladies - that was
sharing.
(then nods to kitchen)
And believe it or not, guys - so is
THIS --
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Elaine and Kelly with magazines and writing pads.
ELAINE
Well I don't know. How do you think
she feels about getting older?
34
KELLY
I don't know... I know how I felt.
How did you feel about it?
ELAINE
How does anybody feel.
KELLY
(NODS)
So you think she'll want a smaller
gathering?
ELAINE
Well if we go that way, we know who
to invite.
KELLY
But then who do we not invite.
ELAINE
Exactly. And how are they going to
feel about that.
KELLY
So maybe we should make it a slightly
larger gathering.
ELAINE
-- Depends on the food, I guess. I
mean, if we go with a larger
gathering...
KELLY
Exactly.
ELAINE
(finds the right
MAGAZINE)
I saw something earlier in here about
low-fat hors d'oeuvres.
KELLY
Oh - I've seen that one too.
They open to the article, scanning it.
ELAINE
Hmm.
KELLY
Hmm.
35.
ELAINE
You thinking what I'm thinking?
KELLY
That if we have low fat hors d'oeuvres
she'll think we noticed she's gaining
weight?
ELAINE
Exactly.
KELLY
(CONSIDERS THAT)
Maybe just blow it out, you know? I
mean it's a party. Go with the high
fat.
ELAINE
Thinking she won't think we've noticed
the weight gain.
KELLY
Unless she thinks that's insensitive.
You know, that we hadn't noticed...
ELAINE
Hmm...
They close the magazine, look through the others when:
KELLY
How about medium fat hors d'oeuvres?
ELAINE
And we could cut them into smaller
pieces?
KELLY
(THEN)
She could think we were being cheap.
ELAINE
And how would she feel about that...
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEN - SAME
Roger and Gene watch a PORSCHE COMMERCIAL without the sound.
GENE
That one has the GPS. With the screen
that has maps of everything?
36.
ROGER
What about with the convertible.
GENE
It's optional on the convertible.
Unless you get the turbo, then it's
standard.
ROGER
Phil Wonkerman got the turbo.
GENE
No shit...Phil got a Porsche?
ROGER
Said it was his birthday present to
himself.
GENE
(IMPRESSED; THEN)
When was his birthday.
ROGER
Beats me. Probably around the same
time when he got the car.
GENE
No shit...
(THEN)
Maybe we should get him something.
ROGER
(looks at him)
He just got a Porsche.
GENE
Right.
They look at the TV again. Then, from the kitchen doorway:
ELAINE
Roger?
They turn. Elaine gives Roger a look. PICTURE FREEZES AS:
37.
DAVE
Roger met Elaine at a company event.
CUT TO:
EXT. A HOTEL POOL - DAY
PEOPLE with NAMETAGS mingle with drinks and appetizers.
Dave comes away from the hot buffet table with a great haul.
DAVE
-- They discovered they had something
in common right away.
He points to ROGER and ELAINE, over by a tiki-torch.
ELAINE
You're kidding! That was you? At
the Burger King?
ROGER
I was in fourth grade.
ELAINE
I was too! But my God, you remembered
that?
DAVE
(off Roger's nod)
She loved that he remembered that.
CUT TO:
INT. A BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
A GLOW-BOWL night; neon and black light and MUSIC.
DAVE
(handing out shoes)
A few nights later, he asked her
out.
He points over to the LANE where they're bowling.
DAVE
They had a good time, and so he asked
her again. And then before too long
they were seeing each other regularly,
and not seeing anyone else.
(MORE)
38.
DAVE (CONT'D)
(THEN)
Of course, Elaine was the only one
who knew that...
CUT TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Roger opens Elaine's door for her, then goes around. She
lingers, watches him before she gets in.
ROGER
What.
ELAINE
Nothing...
She smiles; gets in. Roger pauses. CAMERA PANS TO DAVE.
DAVE
Roger has no idea that this was a
defining moment for her.
Roger gets in. Fuzzy but not sure why.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER'S CAR - NIGHT
Roger drives. Elaine looks out ahead. Long stretch of road
and no one on it. She turns; looks at him.
ELAINE
Do you realize that, as of tonight,
we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?
CAMERA HOLDS on her. She waits.
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
Gee...I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some
kind of obligation that he doesn't
want, or isn't sure of. Maybe he's
been feeling confined enough by our
relationship as it is...
CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.
ROGER'S INNER VOICE
Six months...
39
CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE.
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
He's worried.
(then thinking about
IT)
Well hey - you know? I'm not so
sure I want this kind of a
relationship either. Sometimes I
wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether
I really want us to keep going this
way. I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level
of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?
CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.
ROGER'S INNER VOICE
So that means it was...let's see...
February when we started going out,
which was right after I had the car
at the dealer's, which means ... lemme
check the odometer...
(he looks down at it)
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil
change here.
CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE. An OVAL IMAGE OF HER APPEARS in the
top corner of the screen; they watch him together.
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
He's upset. I can see it on his
face.
ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE
You know, maybe you're reading this
completely wrong - and he wants more
from the relationship.
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
(CONSIDERS IT)
More intimacy...more commitment...
(AND THEN)
-- and maybe what's happening, is
he's sensing my reservations?
40
ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE
Well don't bet the farm on it. But --
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
-- And that's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings -
he's afraid of being rejected...
CAMERA PANS TO ROGER.
ROGER'S INNER VOICE
And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care
what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better
not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather?
It's eighty-seven degrees out, and
this thing is shifting like a goddam
garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent lowlife bastards six
hundred dollars.
CAMERA PANS TO ELAINE.
ELAINE'S INNER VOICE
-- He's angry. And I don't blame
him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel
so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm just not sure.
ELAINE'S OVAL IMAGE
(TO ELAINE)
You know what your problem is? You're
too idealistic. You're waiting for
some knight to come riding up on his
white horse, when you're sitting
next to a perfectly good person, a
person you enjoy being with, a person
you truly do care about, a person
who seems to truly care about you.
A person who is in pain because of
this self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy
that you insist on clinging to.
CAMERA PANS TO ROGER. His OVAL IMAGE APPEARS; at the LOCAL
BAR with a beer in front of him and pool tables in b.g.
ROGER'S INNER VOICE
They'll probably say it's only a
ninety day warranty. That's exactly
what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
41
ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
Let 'em say what they want. You
don't have to listen.
ELAINE
Roger?
ROGER'S INNER VOICE
You know you're right. They want a
warranty? I'll give them a goddam
warranty. I'll take their lousy
warranty and stick it right up their --
ELAINE
Roger.
ROGER
(STARTLED)
-- What?
ELAINE
Please don't torture yourself like
this. Maybe I should never have...
(BREAKING DOWN)
Oh God, I feel so...
ROGER
(looks over, alarmed)
WHAT --
She struggles to keep control. Her OVAL IMAGE disapproves.
ELAINE
I'm such a fool. I mean I know
there's no knight. I really know
that. It's silly. There's no knight,
and there's no horse.
ROGER
There's no horse?
He looks up; his OVAL IMAGE SHRUGS; gets up off the stool.
ELAINE
You think I'm a fool, don't you?
ROGER
(reacting to the Oval
ROGER)
-- no!
He looks over at her; not sure who he responded to...but it
appears he said the right thing anyway.
42.
ELAINE
It's just.. .well I need ...time, I
think. I think I need some time.
Roger looks up at his OVAL IMAGE: gone. He looks at Elaine.
ROGER
-- Time. Yes.
ELAINE
(moved, touches his
HAND)
Oh Roger, do you really feel that
way?
ROGER
What way?
ELAINE
About time. Do you feel that way
about time?
Roger looks confused. His OVAL IMAGE is off playing pool
now. He turns to Elaine; does his best to look decisive.
ROGER
Oh. Well. Yes. Yes I do, feel
that way. About time.
ELAINE
(MELTS)
Thank you, Roger.
ROGER
-- Thank you.
They smile. Look forward. He looks a little nervous. She
looks serene...
CUT TO:
EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Roger drives away. Elaine goes into her building. Already
dialing her cell phone...
43.
BLAINE
Come on, Kelly -- pick up.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
.while Roger and his OVAL IMAGE watch an OBSCURE FOREIGN
SOCCER GAME. Share a giganto bag of Doritos.
ROGER
Hey, Ref - look alive. Those guys
were offsides.
ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
They suck.
ROGER
Who, the Albanians or the Moroccans.
ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
They both suck.
ROGER
I know.
He eats some more Doritos. But then suddenly-he pauses.
ROGER
I think I missed something back there.
ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
Wait for the replay.
ROGER
(shakes his head)
No I mean in the car.
ROGER'S OVAL IMAGE
Can't help you. I was shooting pool.
Roger looks up at his Oval Image. It shrugs.
CUT TO:
EXT. A JUICE BAR - DAY
Elaine huddles with Kelly.
KELLY
.and you said 'there's no knight.'
44.
ELAINE
(NODS)
- and no horse.
KELLY
Did you say 'no knight and no horse,'
or 'no horse and no knight?'
She looks at Elaine.. This is crucial.
ELAINE
I said 'no knight.' And then I said
'no horse.'
(THEN)
I know he agreed to the knight.
KELLY
But maybe not the horse.
Elaine racks her brain; just can't say for sure.
KELLY
It's probably not important...
(then watching her)
This is really it for you. Isn't
it.
ELAINE
(looks at her; nods)
Really it.
KELLY
(glad for her)
Does he know it?
Elaine looks up; she has no idea.
CUT TO:
EXT. LOCAL HOOPS COURT - DAY
Roger and Gene get ready for some 1 on 1. Roger passes to
Gene...
ROGER
Check.
.who passes it right back.
GENE
Check.
45.
Roger takes the ball, dribbles, almost starts but doesn't.
Gene looks at him.
ROGER
Listen.
GENE
What.
ROGER
(a beat; then)
-- Elaine and I.
GENE
Elaine and you what.
ROGER
(a beat; then he shrugs)
We sort of have this -- thing.
He looks at Gene. Conveys the full impact of this. Then --
ROGER
Did she ever mention owning a horse?
GENE
Who.
ROGER
Elaine. She ever talk about horses?
Like, to Kelly or something?
GENE
Not that I know of. Why?
Roger thinks.. .then shakes it off. Throws the ball to Gene.
ROGER
What's the score.
GENE
We haven't started yet.
They start to play. CAMERA FINDS DAVE, on a nearby bench.
DAVE
Roger's in love.
CUT TO:
INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
SHERYL CROW takes a break in the MIXING BOOTH.
46.
SHERYL CROW
I can sympathize with your friend,
man. I've seen a lot of guys go
there.
DAVE
Do you have any advice for a guy in
love?
SHERYL CROW
I don't know - most of my songs are
about guys out of love.
DAVE
I see.
SHERYL CROW
Cause you know, a guy in love - a
guy who's where your friend's at,
anyway - they don't know where they
are. They're like an ant, standing
on a truck tire. They don't know
how they got there - all they know
is that's not where they were a minute
ago. But then they sort of get
vaguely okay with it, you know?
They start hangin' out there, they're
feelin' pretty good.
(THEN)
Until the thing starts moving.
DAVE
What happens then.
SHERYL CROW
Well then they get crushed.
Dave gulps. She shrugs.
SHERYL CROW
Rock and roll, my friend. Life in
the city.
CUT TO:
INT. TWO OLD PEOPLE ON A COUCH - DAY
OLD MAN
November 8, 1960. The day John
Kennedy beat Nixon and won the White
House. That was the day I met her.
His WIFE turns, looks at him funny.
47
OLD MAN
It was close the whole way - it was
neck and neck by God. But then old
Kennedy Senior rode on in on that
big old pile of money of his, and
fixed the results in Illinois. And
that made all the difference.
Happiest day of my life, just about.
She watches him. The man is hopeless.
OLD MAN
I was walking away from a newspaper
stand, with my head buried in the
final edition. And I looked up, and
there she was.
(he looks over at his
WIFE)
You were wearing a yellow sun dress
and there was a smudge of makeup
just over your left eye.
He smiles at her. Gets a thin smile back.
OLD MAN
What.
OLD LADY
That wasn't me.
OLD MAN
Of course it was you. What are you
talking about?
OLD LADY
It was your first wife.
OLD MAN
Nonsense.
OLD LADY
(TO CAMERA)
We met in Sacramento. Eight and a
half years ago.
OLD MAN
Don't believe her.
OLD LADY
I've never owned a yellow sun dress
in my life. And even if I did, I
wouldn't be wearing it in November.
48.
OLD MAN
(off her look)
-- The point is, in 1960 an Irish
Catholic could be elected president
of this fine country, as long as his
father was a filthy rich rum-runner
with connections to the Mafia! And
when Nixon did get elected, he had
to quit!
His wife shakes her head.
CUT TO:
INT. KELLY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Kelly and Gene on the sofa.
KELLY
Well we didn't know each other. I
mean, of course we didn't - we hadn't
met yet. But we were both invited
to the same party, by different people
who we only knew marginally - only
the party got cancelled, and I guess
that's how marginal we were, because
no one told us. So we came in
different cars and found ourselves
at the same front door - with no one
home.
(then taking his hand)
So Gene asked me out to eat.
GENE
I was hungry.
KELLY
You were in love.
(then off his look)
You told me you loved me, that first
night!
GENE
I said I loved mashed potatoes.
KELLY
You were eating mashed potatoes.
You said you loved me. You said
because your name was Gene and mine
was Kelly, that that just proved it.
We were meant to be together.
49.
GENE
(off her look; then
TO CAMERA)
-- Does this have to go in the movie?
CUT TO:
EXT. GENE AND KELLY'S PLACE - DAY
Dave walks out, talks to the CAMERA.
DAVE
Contrary to what many women believe,
it's fairly easy to develop a long
term, stable, intimate and mutually
fulfilling relationship with a guy.
As long as this is the guy:
QUICK SHOT OF A LABRADOR RETRIEVER -- PANTING, FRIENDLY.
DAVE
With human guys, it's extremely
difficult. This is because guys
don't really grasp what women mean
by the term 'relationship.'
CUT TO:
EXT. JERSEY SHORE - DAY
A JERSEY GIRL on break at a SNACK HUT.
JERSEY GIRL
What I don't get is how they can be
a fully grown adult male and not be
able to make a commitment to a woman
who loves him like no one else - and
yet the same person, at age seven,
could make an unbreakable lifelong
commitment to the San Francisco
Giants, who do not even know him and
who never will.
(shakes her head)
I just don't get it.
CUT TO:
EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY
A SEATTLE GIRL outside the cafe.
50.
SEATTLE GIRL
They're never "ready." If you ask
me, guys are in a permanent state of
nonreadiness. That's where they
live. If guys were turkey breasts,
you could put one in a 350 degree
oven on the Fourth of July and they
still wouldn't be ready in time for
Thanksgiving.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHICAGO - RARE BOOKS STORE - DAY
The OWNER arranges titles on a display outside her store.
CHICAGO GIRL
The thing is, you shouldn't even
think about marrying them until you
really know them. But you can't
really know them until you marry
them.
(then after a beat)
That's the thing.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUY FIDELITY"
EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
A Manhattan Girl gives a world-weary look.
MANHATTAN GIRL
One: A guy will have sex with
anything. Two: A guy will do
anything to have sex. There's your
Guy Fidelity. Move on.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUY PRIDE"
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S MARRIED HOUSE - DAY
Elaine and Roger are inside, looking at the front door.
ELAINE
What do you mean, it's 'supposed to
be that way.' It's stuck.
51
ROGER
It's basic physics, Elaine. Wood
expands. And then, later, it
contracts.
ELAINE
But we can't get out.
ROGER
Which also means other people can't
get in. That's part of the design -
it discourages burglars.
ELAINE
(looks at him)
The same way the toaster was designed
to discourage carbohydrate consumption
by bursting into flames?
ROGER
That was an outdoor toaster. It was
clearly not designed for indoor
situations.
The PICTURE FREEZES. DAVE steps in front, talks to CAMERA.
DAVE
I think it's obvious here, that Roger
has absolutely no idea what he's
talking about. But Guy Pride forces
him to keep acting like he does know,
for reasons I believe we've covered
in an earlier scene.
He nods his head over to the corner, where the CAMERA PANS
TO SEE HUDDLED VISIGOTHS, WAITING. Then BACK TO ROGER AND
ELAINE as the PICTURE UNFREEZES.
ELAINE
Okay. So now we have a broken water
heater and a stuck front door.
(CONTROLS HERSELF;
THEN)
I think it's time to call Steve.
ELAINE'S IMAGE FREEZES. Roger turns to the CAMERA.
52.
ROGER
"Steve."
CUT TO:
EXT. CUL DE SAC - DAY - SLOW MOTION - HEAVENLY MUSIC
STEVE leaves someone's house, heads for his super-outfitted
TRUCK. Haloed in golden sunlight. Strong, capable, equipped
for every situation.
WOMEN look out from kitchen and bedroom and living room
windows, from front steps and yards and gardens, just to see
whose house Steve is leaving. The women look all dreamy the
way they would in a really corny musical.
DAVE
(watching; to CAMERA)
As far as women are concerned, God
didn't really rest on the seventh
day. On the seventh day, God created
Steve.
As the Women all sigh...
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY
Elaine stands at the basement door. CLANGING down there.
ELAINE
Roger? Did you find anything?
INTERCUT WITH ROGER IN THE BASEMENT
He's in ankle deep water. Pokes a FLASHLIGHT into some of
the corners where the overhead bulb doesn't reach.
ROGER
Good news, honey! The basement's
level.
ELAINE
How can you tell?
ROGER
Because I know a well built floor
when I see one! We were right to
buy this house. Everything works
just the way it should!
53.
ELAINE
Except there's no hot water.
ROGER
(aiming the flashlight)
Sweetheart, don't you remember? The
power company talked about this.
ELAINE
How about calling Steve.
ROGER
(HATES THIS)
We'll call "Steve," when we have a
real problem. Okay?
(then more to himself)
A mouse gets the hiccups, you don't
have to call Steve every time.
ELAINE
(hears him whang
something down there)
But Roger you're such a good copy
editor. You don't have to be a good
repairman too! Honest!
ROGER
Okay I think I found it.
ELAINE
The problem?
ROGER
The water heater.
Elaine leans her head against the door jam.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY
Elaine sits on the step, looking blank. Kelly is with her.
There are LOUD NOISES from the basement.
ELAINE
I don't know why he does this. He
doesn't know what he's doing down
there...
KELLY
It'll be all right.
54.
ELAINE
(off a loud CLANG)
It's not like some broken part is
just going to be standing there,
waving a flag that says "Help me."
Or there'll be an octopus on the
compressor, and then he could say,
"Look! There's an octopus on the
compressor!"
(THEN)
Of course, how would he know it was
the compressor...
KELLY
Trust me, it'll all work out. After
a while, there's no more harm they
can do.
Roger comes around from the side door. SLOSHING feet. Holds
a dripping PART.
ROGER
I just need to go to the hardware
store. Hi Kelly.
Kelly smiles, waves. Then as Roger sloshes past, to the
car.
ELAINE
And what is it about the hardware
store? All they do in there is buy
a bunch of tools that they don't
know how to use -- and no matter
what the problem is, all they'll end
up doing is whacking at it with a
hammer until it breaks even more.
KELLY
And then they cover it all up with
duct tape and then come out and say
it's supposed to work that way.
ELAINE
(SOLIDARITY NOD)
Then we have to call Steve. And
they get offended.
CUT TO:
INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
Roger waits at the counter. Talks to CAMERA.
55.
ROGER
Let me tell you something. If I had
a dollar for every time I heard
"Steve's" name, I could hire somebody
better than Steve, just to shake
things up. Get her one of these old
semi-retired guys - someone from the
pre-steroid days, with the hairy
shoulders, and the butt crack. They
won't be so quick to call him every
ten minutes.
The Clerk comes back. Hands over a 53-piece TOOL SET.
CLERK
Remember. Keep these away from
anything magnetic.
ROGER
(WINKS)
Got it.
He takes the tool kit from the Clerk and drops it. The Clerk
watches Roger chase down all the parts: what a dolt.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Roger puts the tool set in his trunk...then stops.
ROGER
The thing is - I missed out.
(turns to CAMERA)
It's like everyone else was there
the day they taught all this stuff.
How to look inside acar.Or a
furnace. Or a rocketship.But the
guys like Steve, youknow.They
were born knowing allthis- and now
they're laughing.
(MORE)
56.
ROGER (CONT'D)
They all go down to the Competent
Guys' Tavern and compare notes.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPETENT GUYS' TAVERN - DAY
VANS and PICKUP TRUCKS just like Steve's are parked outside.
A STEVE LOOKALIKE gets out and goes in, greeting ANOTHER
STEVE also arriving. LAUGHTER pours out from inside.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY
Steve rings the bell. Elaine tries opening the door.
ELAINE
(on other side)
I'm sorry - the door's stuck.
STEVE
I can fix that.
He checks it out, taps it in one place and opens the door.
Elaine steps aside, enchanted --
-- as Roger drives up and sees this. And the pain in his
heart is something we can feel.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BASEMENT - DAY
Power's back on. Steve pulls the cover off the HVAC assembly.
Roger is sorting through the 53-piece tool set he bought and
has no idea what to do with.
STEVE
If you've got a minute, sir. I'd
like to show you something.
ROGER
(holds up tool kit)
Should I bring these?
STEVE
That won't be --
(then as all the parts
FALL OUT)
-- necessary.
57
ROGER
(LOOKS DOWN)
The latch broke.
STEVE
I can fix that.
Roger puts the tool kit down. Joins Steve.
STEVE
There's your problem right there.
(POINTS)
You got calcification in your pullet-
beam header grommets.
ROGER
I was afraid of that.
Steve looks at him. One of those sideways looks.
STEVE
What you gotta do is jack up your
laminate bolts and remove the
calcification on the stress points.
ROGER
(while Steve takes
SOME MEASUREMENTS)
Of course when he says "you," he
doesn't mean "me." I don't have jacks.
I don't have winches. And Steve has
got like fifty kinds of each, right
on his truck. If society collapsed,
the Steves of the world will be living
in nice sturdy shelters that they
built with their own hands, eating
food that they grew or caught. And
I'll be getting shredded to death by
wolverines.
STEVE
Here we go.
He reaches down. Pulls out a fuse assembly, holds it up.
58.
STEVE
Here we go. Back in business in no
time.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - DAY
Steve is packing up his truck. Roger is about to go back
INSIDE WHEN:
KID
Dad, look! Look what Steve made me!
A working battleship made entirely
out of Coke cans!
Roger looks. It is a working battleship made from Coke cans.
KID
This is so neat! Thanks, Steve!
The kid runs off. Roger looks at Elaine.
ROGER
Do we have a kid?
ELAINE
Steve got him from the truck.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVE'S TRUCK - TRAVELING - DAY
Dave rides up front with Steve. Talks to CAMERA.
DAVE
Just because Steve can fix things,
doesn't mean he's shallow and doesn't
have any concerns. All guys have
concerns. Deep concerns.
STEVE
(LOOKS OVER)
You like SportsTalk? Mike the Moose?
DAVE
Hell yeah.
Steve gives him a look. Turns on the radio.
59.
CALLER
I'm just sayin' those owners better
never run into me. Because God help
'em, man.
MIKE THE MOOSE
-- and we'll pick up on that and
more, right after the news.
CALLER
I mean it, man.
CUT TO:
INT. RADIO STATION - WGRG-AM SPORTSTALK - DAY
MIKE THE MOOSE flips a switch; turns to Dave.
MIKE THE MOOSE
Three months ago, the Marlins traded
a guy named Rufino Lupenza to the
Yankees, for some minor league players
and cash. I grant you it was a rotten
trade. I grant you the Yankees seem
to have this, this knack for making
brilliant deals year after year.
But three months?
(pops in a tape)
The Marlins are over it. The Yankees
are over it. The players and their
families are over it -- but just
check this out.
CALLER
(ON TAPE)
The guy was a workhorse! He filled
in wherever he was needed and he
never got hurt! And when he got
hurt, he played hurt.
MIKE THE MOOSE
(ON TAPE)
You know I got a post card from him
here at the station. He says they're
all doing fine: Lucita's got the
kids in their new school already and
they all seem happy. She even found
an Ecuadorean grocery she likes.
CALLER
Grocery -- the guy batted 340, from
both sides.
(MORE)
60.
CALLER (CONT'D)
His on-base percentage was in the
4's, with a rocket arm on defense
and an awareness of the field like
nobody's business. And they trade
him for minor leaguers? For untested,
greenhorn punks who can barely even --
MIKE THE MOOSE
(pauses the tape)
That guy's pretty normal.
He cues forward, plays. A GUY CALLER, fighting tears.
MIKE THE MOOSE
(ON RADIO)
You just have to move on, Stan.
CALLER
.I try to - I'm trying. But I
just can't make sense of this...
Mike the Moose stops the tape.
MIKE THE MOOSE
These are guys you wouldn't see crying
even at a funeral. Guys who can't
bring themselves to hug their own
children. And they're beside
themselves.
(shakes his head)
And all over a meaningless trade...
DAVE
Meaningless?
Mike the Moose looks at him.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Roger and Gene are watching the KNICKS/HEAT game. Big bag
of Doritos between them.
TV ANNOUNCER
.seventy-seven per cent from the
line during the regular season, and
a red-hot eighty-three per cent during
the playoffs.
ROGER
Stop saying that!
61.
TV ANNOUNCER SIDEKICK
-- and in the fourth quarter of the
playoffs, that number is even higher --
GENE
Stop saying that!
TV ANNOUNCER
So they really picked the wrong guy
to foul, at this crucial point in
such a crucial game.
ROGER AND GENE
Stop saying that!
TV ANNOUNCER
He dribbles. He sets -- he dribbles
again...
Roger and Gene lean forward.
ROGER
Come on come on come on comeoncomeon --
GENE
Miss the shot miss the shot miss the
shot come on and miss the shot --
TV ANNOUNCER
-- and the Knicks call time out.
They lean back in their seats; breathe some relief.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Elaine and Kelly are addressing INVITATIONS by hand. Dave
sits on the counter, listens in.
ELAINE
They don't know the players. The
players don't know them - yet they
idolize these people. They follow
them from team to team -- and they
know more about these teams than
they know about their own families.
They might not even know if they
have families.
KELLY
Not during the playoffs anyway.
62.
ELAINE
(amen to that; then)
And what gets me is, they think -
they really think - that whether a
team wins or loses or not depends on
how much they personally care about
them. Like if they don't care, the
team can't win.
DAVE
But that's true.
They look over - see him on the counter.
ELAINE
What's true.
DAVE
It's true that the level of concern
a guy shows for his team can affect
the outcome of the game.
(then off their looks)
I mean not just one guy - but lots
of guys. All the guys who care about
the team combined, if they really
care, can make a difference on the
scoreboard.
ELAINE
That's crazy.
KELLY
Who is he?
DAVE
(hops off the counter)
-- Follow me.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEN - CONTINUOUS
Roger and Gene and the game are FROZEN IN PLACE. Dave stands
in the doorway with Elaine and Kelly.
DAVE
For the first time ever, through the
use of highly advanced technology,
we will be able to see the actual
Concern Rays emanating from the minds
of Roger and Gene, in their attempt
to affect the outcome of this upcoming -
and totally critical - foul shot.
63.
The PICTURE CHANGES as though a filter has been slipped over
the lens. Then we BEGIN TO SEE THE ACTUAL RAYS emanating
from Roger's and Gene's foreheads and traveling into the
screen. The rays are colored BLUE.
DAVE
These Concern Rays go straight into
the television screen where they
join the combined Concern Rays of
all the other guy fans watching this
game right now.
CUT TO:
A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES
Where all the CITIES representing major markets LIGHT UP and
FORM ARCS, like airline flight routes, connecting RED or
BLUE CONCERN RAYS from each city, and sending them to MIAMI.
DAVE
(in front of map)
Then the rays are transmitted to the
actual arena itself, all arriving at
the same moment regardless of any
geographic or time zone differences.
CUT TO:
EXT. AN ARENA - NIGHT
Dave reports as BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS materialize from
the sky and descend on the arena, covering the roof.
DAVE
And it is here, at the arena, where
the combined Concern Rays from both
teams' fans will be measured - not
just for quantity, but for quality.
Because this - as every Guy must
believe - is what wins ball games.
BACK TO ROGER AND GENE AT THE TV
Dave steps away and the PICTURE UN-FREEZES.
TV ANNOUNCER
He sets...he takes the shot...it's
UP --
ROGER
-- Come on come on come on ---
64.
GENE
Miss the shot miss the shot miss the
SHOT --
ON TV - THE BALL, IN MIDAIR -- BLUE AND RED CONCERN RAYS
APPEAR AND CONVERGE ON IT, IN A MIGHTY STRUGGLE FOR DOMINATION
TV ANNOUNCER
-- and he misses! He misses! It
bounces off the rim and Miami wins
the game! What a comeback! A field
day for the Heat!
Roger and Gene leap up and scream. High fives, victory dance.
Dave looks at Elaine and Kelly - who look at each other...
ELAINE
Let's get back to those invitations.
KELLY
I'm with you.
They turn, go back to the kitchen. The celebration goes on.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM"
INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
Dave walks down a terminal corridor among hurrying PASSENGERS.
DAVE
If there's one thing women don't
know about when it comes to guys,
it's the public rest room problem.
And we're here to clear that up right
now.
He stops outside a MEN'S REST ROOM, which is currently closed
for maintenance.
DAVE
This room is a private hell for a
countless number of guys -- yet the
women in their lives are completely
in the dark about it.
(MORE)
65.
DAVE (CONT'D)
But before we go inside, let's talk
with a leading social scientist, so
that what we're about to show you
sounds a little more official.
CUT TO:
INT. RED CARPET CLUB - DAY
Dave is at the honor bar with the SAME BRITISH GUY. The
words "Leading Social Scientist" APPEAR under him this time.
LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
One has to understand that the act
of emptying one's bladder goes deep
to the very roots of masculinity.
It is an important territorial
statement that males are genetically
programmed to carry out.
DAVE
I see.
LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
In fact, many of my colleagues believe
the reason that dogs howl at the
moon is because they can't go up
there and urinate on it -- which is
not, however, a theory which I
embrace. But guess who gets all the
grant money every year. The
bastards...
He stares off into space. A bitter man.
DAVE
Um...you were saying?
LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST
I didn't want this job. Twenty years,
in the social sciences? And what
was everybody else doing -- they
were getting laid. They were going
to bed with women. And what have I
been doing -- applying for matching
grants. And not getting them.
(MORE)
66.
LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (CONT'D)
Applying for any grants at all - and
not getting those either. Meanwhile
all the "cool dudes" are laughing!
CUT TO:
EXT. "THE COOL DUDES WHO GET THE BIG GRANTS" TAVERN - DAY
Honda Accords fill the lot. TWO MORE drive up and a SCIENTIST
gets out of each. They hail each other and go in together.
As they pull open the door, LAUGHTER spills out from inside.
LEADING SOCIAL SCIENTIST (V.0.)
The bastards...
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC REST ROOM PROBLEM"
EXT. A VIDEO PRODUCTION TRUCK - DAY
There is a SATELLITE DISH on top. Dave is with JOHN MADDEN.
DAVE
With me now is the great John Madden --
legendary coach of football's Oakland
Raiders and veteran network analyst
for CBS Sports and now the Fox Sports
Network. John, thanks for coming by
today.
JOHN MADDEN
Happy to be here Dave.
DAVE
John, you heard what our leading
expert said about this particular
anxiety that guys have regarding
bathrooms in general and public ones
in particular. Any thoughts?
JOHN MADDEN
Well he's exactly right, Dave. I
mean the guy was a little loopy but
he hit the nail on the head.
DAVE
So an airport bathroom presents a
specific kind of challenge.
67.
JOHN MADDEN
The worst kind, Dave, and in a lotta
ways. Because a guy's main goal is
to get in and outta there without
having to deal in any other way with
any other guy - and in an airport
bathroom especially, with the turnover
rate they've got, he's up against
some pretty mean odds.
DAVE
Couldn't agree more, John. Let's go
INSIDE --
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEO TRUCK - DAY - CONTINUOUS
TECHNICIANS wearing headsets. Dave and John sit by a BANK
OF MONITORS. There's a TELESTRATOR for John.
JOHN MADDEN
Okay. Now this angle here, we're
outside the bathroom and the
maintenance guy's just about to open
it up.
We SEE THE AREA OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM, WITH "CLOSED FOR
MAINTENANCE" SIGNS IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH. A JANITOR starts
removing the signs as a BUSINESS TRAVELER heads over.
DAVE
Here's our first candidate now --
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS - ON MONITORS, WITH TELESTRATOR
John diagrams the action, marking up the screen like a
football play while the action unfolds.
JOHN MADDEN
Okay now the leadoff guy, he's gonna
come in, he's gonna see the open
field and he's gonna swing wide right
to grab a spot against the wall.
He's got one flank covered this way
and for now he's feelin' pretty good --
and of course by doin' that, he's
also settin' the tone for everything
that happens after.
r• . 68.
DAVE
What's the main thing we're looking
for, John. What does each individual
guy feel he needs to get out of this.
JOHN MADDEN
Well the crucial thing here, is makin'
sure there's no eye contact. I mean
none - zero. These guys'll look up,
they'll look down, they'll look
straight ahead -- but a guy would
rather have you poke both his eyes
out with burning hot fire tongs,
Dave, than to give the next guy over
a reason to think you might be lookin'
at him in a public bathroom. For
reasons that oughtta be pretty darn
obvious.
DAVE
Obvious indeed. Now here comes Guy
Number Two --
The SECOND GUY comes in; John diagrams the call.
JOHN MADDEN
Now Guy Number Two, what he's gonna
do is, he's gonna come in, see the
first guy in position along the wall
and right away he's gonna line up
wide on the opposite side. This is
a best case scenario here, something
both these guys can appreciate.
Plus they've opened up the middle
for the third guy --
The THIRD GUY comes in. John diagrams his path to the middle
urinal. The Guy goes there.
DAVE
What about eye contact in this
situation.
JOHN MADDEN
Well you're still not likely to
encounter any, but again if you do,
that's what that buffer zone on either
side of him's for. And all three of
'em are feelin' pretty lucky to have
it, I can tell you that.
DAVE
Okay. Now if things stay like this...
69.
JOHN MADDEN
If things stay like this, you're
fine - and if this were some small
commuter airport, y'know late at
night or somethin', then these guys
could possibly even be home free.
But we're talkin' Miami International
here, this is the big time, we're
talking about 747's, DC-10's, the
big jumbo jets dumpin' off three-
four hundred people at a clip. So
everybody's gonna be next to somebody,
which is the last thing any of these
guys want. You're in a critical
mass situation, and this is where a
lotta mistakes get made.
DAVE
Which brings us to Guy Number Four.
Here he comes --
JOHN MADDEN
-- and there he goes...
Guy #4 spins around and leaves. John and Dave watch; then.
DAVE
Now one thing that I know we're going
to get asked, John, especially from
women, is whether, as guys, we're
aware of how utterly stupid this
kind of behavior really is.
JOHN MADDEN
Well I think we know, Dave. Don't
you think we know?
DAVE
I think we do.
JOHN MADDEN
(NODS)
Have to be stupid not to.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM"
70.
DAVE (V.O.)
We did that.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUYS AT MIDLIFE"
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI - DAY
Dave walks the campus. Threads through GORGEOUS COLLEGE
GIRLS who don't know he's there.
DAVE
If there's anything that causes more
anguish in a guy than sports anguish,
and public restroom anguish, and
hardware store anguish, it's the day
that he realizes that somehow his
life is half over now, and no matter
what he tries to tell himself, he's
not young anymore and he's never
going to be young again.
(then he stops)
And as any guy'll tell you - it sucks.
CUT TO:
INT. AN ELEVATOR - DAY
A GUY IN A SUIT, alone in here. Faint ELEVATOR MUSIC plays.
ELEVATOR GUY
I got used to having the Beatles and
Stones called 'classic rock.' Then
I heard Elvis Costello on an Oldies
station. I figured, okay - who cares -
at least it's on somewhere. But
then I hear "London Calling," on
Muzak. By the Clash. On Muzak.
(SHRUGS)
But what the hell. I'm in a suit
and I go around all day explaining
peoples' 401K plans to them. And
Sting's doing commercials for Jaguar.
He shakes his head; it's hopeless.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOPPING MALL BARBER SHOP - DAY
The BARBER talks while cutting Dave's hair.
71.
BARBER
The way I see it, it's like menopause,
right? Except men get it different.
It doesn't show, y'see? The cramps
don't come, the hot and cold flashes,
and you don't have your magazines
and drug stores filled with helpful
stuff to do about it. But something
comes, and it hits every guy who's
living whether he likes it or not.
Whether he knows it or not. Guy can
lose his bleepin' mind if he doesn't
watch out.
He gets a mirror to show Dave the back. Gives him time to
get philosophical.
BARBER
But you know? Maybe it's for the
better. Maybe whoever designed all
this, was afraid to let the men in
on what was gonna be happening.
Like if we knew, we'd bail or
something. You know, ahead of time.
CUT TO:
INT. A BAR - DAY
The BARTENDER wipes the bar down in front of Dave.
BARTENDER
I'm just telling you what I see.
Every lousy day. A guy'll come in
and sit down, right where you are.
He loosens up a little and then it
comes. The road not taken.
Unexamined choices. An unfulfilled
life. And other guys, they'll come
in and don't say a word. The ones
who just stare at the mirror.
DAVE
That sounds pretty bleak.
BARTENDER
(SHRUGS; THEN)
I think it goes back to the old times.
Ancient times, you know? When nobody
was expected to live past forty.
You got to forty? You died.
(MORE)
72.
BARTENDER (CONT'D)
But now that men aren't doing that,
there's a lot more shit up ahead,
and none of it looks good so they go
freak out and make a mess of things --
they'll quit their jobs or walk out
on their marriages or make some other
idiot grandstand move. None of them
are happy and every single one of
them wishes he did something else
with his life and can't figure out
how it got this way. Every single
one of them.
CUT TO:
INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY
A hotshot LAWYER is dictating a memo to his SECRETARY.
LAWYER
.therefore please be advised that
in reference to the aforementioned
subject matter, as per the original
agreement dated 7 March Two Thousand, --
His Secretary stops writing. Waits.
LAWYER
...7 March Two Thousand...
SECRETARY
Um. You said that already.
LAWYER
(shakes his head)
I started here on the 7th of March.
Fifteen years ago...
SECRETARY
Oh. Well - Happy Anni--
LAWYER
What the hell am I doing. Why did I
even think this would be a good idea --
to work my ass off every single day
of my life? So I could come in here
and dictate letters like this?
SECRETARY
They're not all like this. You do a
lot of good...
73
LAWYER
And what does it get me -- a twin-
turbo convertible that I don't even
get to drive, because I'm always
traveling and renting shitbox cars
in other cities where all I do is
take clients out to lunch and tell
them how to negotiate their golden
parachutes? You ever sit in the
driver's seat of one of those renta
cars?
SECRETARY
Well my husband usually does the --
LAWYER
Brand new cars, not even two thousand
miles on them, and already they drive
like camels. The seat's got no
cushion left already, and you're
lucky if you don't need a chiropractor
after twenty minutes in one. What
do people do in those things?
SECRETARY
Maybe I could get you something.
You want something?
LAWYER
Yeah. I want something. I want the
number of that hang-gliding place
out on Route 33.
SECRETARY
You want to go hang gliding?
LAWYER
I want to teach hang gliding.
SECRETARY
I'm sorry. I didn't know you did
that.
LAWYER
I don't do that. I want to do that.
I've always wanted to do that, and
lots of other things too -- only I'm
stuck doing this all day long. And
I don't even know what this is half
the time, just that I have to spend
every waking hour doing it. So you
tell me -- where the hell does hang
gliding fit into that.
74.
SECRETARY
Um. Saturdays?
LAWYER
Give me a break.
SECRETARY
(as he starts to leave)
Where are you going?
LAWYER
I should have done this a long time
ago.
SECRETARY
What about the letter?
LAWYER
Put in the usual bullshit. Nobody's
gonna read it anyway.
He's gone. She sits there.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY
JOHNNY LAKE lifts a titanium frame up onto the back of a
pickup. Part of it catches on the lift gate and he SWEARS,
kicking it. About to really lay into it when the LAWYER
drives up in his twin turbo convertible and gets out.
LAWYER
Hi!
JOHNNY LAKE
Sorry. We're closed.
LAWYER
(stunned; watches him)
-- It's two thirty in the afternoon.
JOHNNY LAKE
Hey. I don't make the rules.
LAWYER
Aren't you the owner?
JOHNNY LAKE
You're right. I do make the rules.
We're closed.
75.
LAWYER
(sees he means it)
Look, there has to -- I really want
to learn this -- I just quit my job
to learn this.
JOHNNY LAKE
Be my guest - learn it.
He kicks the frame again, walks off. The Lawyer watches.
LAWYER
How can you do this? This is the
perfect job!
JOHNNY LAKE
Yeah right. Driving around in a
rusted worthless pickup truck that's
about to be repossessed anyway, while
a guy like you, my own age, is going
around in a Porsche Carrera.
LAWYER
But you get to fly.
JOHNNY LAKE
No, you get to fly. I get to hoof
this shit up and down these
godforsaken hilltops listening to
stockbrokers brag about getting lap
dances from college coeds, and
charging the whole thing through the
company expense account -- while I
can't even deduct my blood pressure
medication. That's what I get to
do.
He kicks a rock in the road, which almost feels good enough
so he kicks another one -- but this one is buried in the
dirt like an iceberg and doesn't budge --
JOHNNY LAKE
Ahh, SHIT!
-- and he falls down hobbling on one knee instead.
CUT TO:
INT. ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY
Johnny Lake waits on the examining table, holding ice against
his leg. The Lawyer sits on the extra chair reading EXOTIC
ISLANDS MAGAZINE.
76.
He holds up a PHOTO: a Guy in a hammock, in Paradise.
LAWYER
Look at this.
JOHNNY LAKE
You got that right.
The Lawyer shakes his head; flips the page.
JOHNNY LAKE
Hey.
(then on Lawyer's
look; he shrugs)
You don't think he's gonna...
LAWYER
What.
JOHNNY LAKE
You know. Have to use the --
LAWYER
Glove?
(then off his look)
You hurt your knee. He already took
the x-rays.
JOHNNY LAKE
What if something's broken.
LAWYER
Well he's not going in that way.
You don't do a rectal to set a guy's
leg.
Still the guy looks doubtful. The ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON -
British, familiar - comes in, with a fresh X-RAY.
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
Well you've done quite a number on
yourself. Want to see?
JOHNNY LAKE
Why should I. I wouldn't know what
the hell I'm looking at. You're the
one who went to medical school.
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
Don't remind me.
(then on their looks)
What. You think I like this?
(MORE)
77
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON (CONT'D)
The medical profession? Owing my
life to the insurance cartel while
the rest of the world thinks I'm so
stinking rich?
LAWYER
Well.. .aren't you?
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
Of courseIam - I'm an orthopedic
surgeon!Ijust don't like people
assumingit!
(THENASHIS BEEPER
GOESOFF)
And this -- I am so sick of this
bloody thing I can't even tell you!
Because every time it goes off it
means I have to stop doing one thing
I don't want to be doing, and start
doing another thing I don't want to
be doing. You call that a life?
They look at him. Don't know what to say.
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
-- Let me show you something.
(puts down the x-ray,
goes to a drawer)
I've been working on this during my
free time. Not like I get any.
He gets an accordion-style envelope; takes out a REAM OF
TYPED PAGES. Hands it over to Johnny Lake.
JOHNNY LAKE
What is it?
ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON
What is it? It's a screenplay!
This'll blow the lid off the
orthopedic surgery industry! Look -
look here --
(takes it back; flips
THROUGH)
-- no wait, this part's better. No --
here! Here you go. Read this and
tell me if you don't --
78.
He looks up. They're gone.
CUT TO:
EXT. "GUYS WHO WISH THEY HAD DIFFERENT JOBS" TAVERN - DAY
The lot is filled with Ford Fiestas. The Lawyer and Johnny
Lake drive up. When they pull the door open there's WHINING
from inside...
Then the BARTENDER FROM BEFORE comes out, storms past them
and throws his rag down hard as he gets the hell out of there
and away from that shit job.
As Dave walks into frame, starts over to his car.
DAVE
Okay! Well it looks like it's time
to talk about sex.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE PUBLIC RESTROOM PROBLEM"
DAVE (V.0.)
Will you knock it off?
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - DAY
Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the mall.
DAVE
For the sake of any younger viewers
who might still be paying attention,
during this next segment we will be
using certain euphemisms to describe
a natural and wonderful thing that
happens among grownups - grownups
besides your parents, that is.
CUT TO:
INT. MALL BOOKSTORE - MAGAZINE AISLE - DAY
Dave walks along all the COSMO'S, REDBOOKS, etc.
DAVE
Probably the fastest growing sector
of the U.S. economy is the sector
that conducts surveys asking women
(MORE)
DAVE (CONT'D)
what is wrong with men. And in all
those surveys, there is one main
area that shows up constantly at the
top of the charts.
(he stops, pulls a
MAGAZINE)
-- Euphemisms.
CUT TO:
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET - DAY
Dave walks up the aisles filled with delectable things.
DAVE
when I say "euphemisms," I of course
am not suggesting that guys don't
have them. Guys have plenty of
euphemisms. Most guys have more
euphemisms in a single day - and
here I am thinking of a day that
occurred in the summer between ninth
and tenth grades - than some women
have in a lifetime - or longer, in
the case of certain Math Teachers.
CUT TO:
EXT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY
Dave walks outside, past a line of SCHOOLKIDS off a BUS.
DAVE
It all goes back to a time, millions
of years ago, when primitive males
often had to complete their part of
the equation quickly and right away
stand ready to fight off attackers.
CUT TO:
INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Dave walks past glassed-in DISPLAYS of CAVEMAN LIFE.
DAVE
Today, however, women want euphemisms
too -- and this ability in males is
no longer as prized as it once was.
(MORE)
80.
DAVE (CONT'D)
In fact, when modern women describe
the qualities they're looking for in
the ideal man, the phrase "a real
fast shooter" is usually pretty far
down the list.
(THEN STOPPING)
Naturally, it fell to guys to do
something about this. So, naturally -
they did.
CUT TO:
EXT. A SKI CABIN - NIGHT
Dave stands outside while Kelly and Gene come back from
walking their dog. In a hurry.
DAVE
one technique for holding back the
inevitable, is when the guy - just
when he is about to have his euphemism -
will hurl himself violently into an
iron bed railing, and raise a lump
on his head the size of a golf ball.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SKI CABIN - CONTINUOUS
They come in the room, shedding clothes. He lifts her,
carries her to the bed -- with nothing but pillows against
the wall. He stops, panicked...
GENE
There's nothing there!
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CABIN - CONTINUOUS
Dave watches the LIGHT GO OFF. Turns back to the CAMERA.
DAVE
In cases where there aren't any iron
railings, a good backup technique
can be found right on the end of the
cold wet nose of the trusted family
dog.
CAMERA PANS to the window where we hear:
81.
KELLY
Yes...yes...
GENE
.yesyesyesyes...yesyesyesyes...
KELLY
.just hold on...yes...
GENE
.yesyesyesyesYEEE00000WWWW!!!
CAMERA PANS back to Dave.
DAVE
There are also mental techniques --
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Roger and Elaine are under the sheets. Some good early
MOANING.. .as Dave comes in, holding a mike, interview style.
DAVE
One of the most time honored and
reliable mental delaying styles, is
the Baseball Method --
(taps Roger's shoulder)
-- how's it going, Champ.
Roger pokes his head out of the blanket; stays active from
the neck down.
ROGER
Oh - yeah hi.
(ACKNOWLEDGES CAMERA;
then to Dave)
Well, the baseball thing. I mean a
while ago I was into that - big time.
You know, fooling around with
different lineups, mixing up the
batting order - like thinking about
what would happen if you took your
cleanup guy and made him eighth or
something -- just something stupid
like that, you know? Stuff you'd
never really do.
DAVE
And that did the trick.
82.
ROGER
Oh hell yeah. I mean I could go all
night - literally all night - just
shuffling my pitching staff around,
or thinking about who I might try
and sign at the winter meetings.
Hang on --
He goes under the blanket; pays more attention to Elaine...
then comes back.
ROGER
The thing is, it got stale. And I
found after a while I wasn't enjoying
sex or baseball that much. And you
don't want to mess with that stuff.
DAVE
(CAN'T DISAGREE)
So what do you do instead?
ROGER
Math problems.
DAVE
Really?
(off his nod)
You mean like if a train leaves
Chicago at one o'clock and another
train leaves Denver at two o'clock
and they're going at different speeds?
ROGER
(shakes his head)
I can't do train ones. I always end
up imagining this beautiful girl on
the train - and it makes things even
worse.
Elaine stops. Pops her head out.
ELAINE
what beautiful girl.
ROGER
-- You, Elaine. The girl on the
train is always you.
ELAINE
Oh, Roger...
83.
Roger gives Dave a close call look...then goes back to work.
CUT TO:
INT. ROGER AND ELAINE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Dave helps himself, makes a sandwich.
DAVE
As you can see, a lot of guys are
making a tremendous effort here -
and yet, according to certain
standards they are still, basically,
lame as hell on almost every single
count. The reason for this is simple:
women set the standards.
(takes a bite)
And not just bedroom standards --
all standards. Because women invented
standards. Remember the Dawn of Guys?
CUT TO:
EXT. PREHISTORIC CUL DE SAC - DAY
Long shadows. PRIMATE WOMEN are still at it, pounding roots
and dealing with PRIMATE KIDS.
CUT TO:
INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND ELAINE'S CAVE - DAY
Primate Elaine, picking up around the cave. She stumbles on
something gross... finally has had it.
PRIMATE ELAINE
(SUBTITLED)
That's it.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAVES - DAY - LATER
Primate Elaine addresses the OTHERS. All SUBTITLES.
PRIMATE ELAINE
I've been thinking. We need some
standards around here.
PRIMATE KELLY
What are standards?
84.
PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
What is 'thinking?'
The others turn, look at her. Look back at Primate Blaine.
PRIMATE ELAINE
Standards are like rules. Things
they'll have to do. And things
they'll have to stop doing.
PRIMATE KELLY
How about "no leaving your dirty
smelly loincloths wherever you feel
like it, and expecting me to do
something about it?" Can that be a
standard?
PRIMATE ELAINE
That can be one of the first.
PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
How about "No gnawing on a fish head
during sex?"
PRIMATE ELAINE
There are all kinds of things we can
get them to do.
PRIMATE LUCY
How? They're stronger than we are.
PRIMATE KELLY
They smell stronger maybe.
PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
(off their laughter)
I like the smell.
PRIMATE LUCY
Of the men, or the rotten fish?
PRIMATE KELLY
There's a difference?
More laughing; then they turn back to Primate Elaine.
PRIMATE KELLY
But how will we make them go along?
Most of them can't even remember
which cave to come home to every
night. How are they going to remember
rules?
85.
PRIMATE ELAINE
We'll give them a Look.
PRIMATE LUCY
A look?
PRIMATE ELAINE
A special look. A 'Certain Look.'
PRIMATE KELLY
But we look at them every day. And
they still do whatever they want.
PRIMATE ELAINE
(as the others agree)
I've been working on this. Watch.
She turns to Primate Blonde Woman, who is holding a gourd.
On the Look, the Blonde drops the gourd.
PRIMATE ELAINE
See? And she wasn't even doing
anything.
Agreements and "Wows" go all around.
PRIMATE ELAINE
Now who's with me.
CUT TO:
VARIOUS SHOTS, QUICK CUTS OF THE PRIMATE WOMEN TRYING TO GET
THE "LOOK" RIGHT. EVENTUALLY, EVEN PRIMATE BLONDE WOMAN
GETS IT. . .ALTHOUGH AT ONE POINT SHE SCARES HERSELF AND DROPS
THE GOURD AGAIN.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIL BACK TO THE CAVES - DUSK
The Primate Guys come back lugging ANIMAL PARTS. Each now
has his own ROCK, instead of the giant jagged slabs.
PRIMATE GENE
What are you doing later.
PRIMATE ROGER
I don't know. Probably just stare
at the fire.
86.
PRIMATE GENE
A bunch of us are going over to
Primate Blonde Woman's cave to see
what she does with those gourds.
Want to come?
PRIMATE ROGER
-- Can't. Primate Elaine's ancestors
are still here.
PRIMATE GENE
Bummer.
PRIMATE ROGER
Tell me about it.
(THEN)
They are so Ice Age...
CUT TO:
INT. PRIMATE ROGER AND PRIMATE ELAINE'S CAVE - NIGHT
Primate Roger watches Primate Elaine examine his NEW ROCK.
Her PRIMATE MOM AND DAD hover on the edge of the discussion.
PRIMATE ELAINE
I don't get it. What was wrong with
the other one.
PRIMATE ROGER
This one's better. It's an upgrade.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
What did he say it was called?
PRIMATE ROGER
An 'upgrade.' An improvement on a
previous design.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
What? What'd he say?
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
(to his wife)
An upgrade. An grade.
PRIMATE ROGER
(to Primate Elaine)
The guy said there are newer ones
coming out that'll make even this
one look primitive. They're getting
lighter and rounder every epoch.
87
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
What guy.
PRIMATE ROGER
Primate Discount Manny.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
(MUTTERS)
Boy he must have seen this one
coming...
PRIMATE ELAINE
Dad.
(then to Primate Roger)
I just wanted to know what the
difference is between this one and
the one you had. You were so excited
about it when you got it, and now
you've gotten rid of it -- and the
only difference I can see is where
this one has these markings painted
on.
She holds it up; something like BASEBALL SEAMS going around.
PRIMATE ROGER
Those make it so it travels better.
PRIMATE ELAINE
Painted on?
(off his look)
-- What'd it cost you.
PRIMATE ROGER
Nothing. A couple wildebeeste steaks
and handful of seeds of some kind.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
I told you.
(then to his wife)
Did I say he was a bum?
PRIMATE ROGER
Who's a bum. Are you calling me a
bum?
PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
No one's calling anyone a bum.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
I'm just visiting. You do what you
want.
88.
PRIMATE ROGER
Oh yeah? Who do you think killed
your dinner tonight?
PRIMATE ELAINE
Look. Just take it back. Please.
PRIMATE ROGER
But I can't do that! All sales are
final!
PRIMATE ELAINE
You can explain it to him. Tell him
he can keep the steaks, but we want
the seeds back.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S MOTHER
(to Primate Roger)
I don't mean to meddle. But you
should listen to your wife.
PRIMATE ELAINE'S FATHER
That's meddling! That's meddling!
(then to Primate Roger)
-- But in this case she's right.
PRIMATE ELAINE
(to her parents)
Look will you both stop?
(then to Primate Roger)
Just take this back. All right?
PRIMATE ROGER
This is totally unreasonable!
(THEN)
Oh I get it. Don't tell me -- it's
your time in the moon cycle again --
He stops cold. Stunned by her CERTAIN LOOK. History's first
in SLOW MOTION, FROM SEVERAL ANGLES, the way they do it when
buildings explode in much bigger movies.
PRIMATE ROGER
-- I'll take it back.
She smiles. FREEZE IMAGE.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI, BAYSIDE COMPLEX - DAY
Dave strolls among the SHOPPERS, TOURISTS etc. He has the
ROCK with him; tosses it unconsciously like a baseball.
89.
DAVE
This is basically where we stand
today. The only difference is, we
have way more standards.
(gives the ROCK to a
KID passing by)
There are social standards, about
being sensitive - remembering
anniversaries, listening during
conversations, not eating soup with
your hands, or sitting around in
your underwear when company's over.
CUT TO:
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
Dave goes up the escalator; walks through the kind of 'Home
Stylings' section where no other guy would go. Everything
he talks about is on display in some form.
DAVE
-- And there are thousands of
standards for domestic life, involving
even more totally un-guy concepts --
like curtains, bedspreads, napkins,
special hangers, little soaps shaped
like fruit, and decorative boxes
that hold tissues that already come
in a box. While guys, left on their
own in the wild, will develop
lifestyles that don't involve any of
these things.
CUT TO:
INT. COLLEGE GUY APARTMENT - DAY
COLLEGE ROGER and COLLEGE GENE stand in their doorway. There
is one window, a lot of dust and nothing else.
COLLEGE GENE
I know just what this place needs.
COLLEGE ROGER
(NODS)
Hockey sticks.
They turn around to go buy hockey sticks.
CUT TO:
90.
INT. THE SAME APARTMENT - SOME MONTHS LATER
A RABBIT on a lawn chair drinks beer out of an ashtray.
College Roger and College Gene play Indoor Death Hockey;
slamming into walls, scattering NEWSPAPERS and PIZZA BOXES -
as their IMAGE FREEZES.
DAVE
of course, even by the most basic
standards, these two are living like
savages. But they honestly don't
know this -- because Guys, in their
natural state, aren't any more aware
of domestic standards than a trout
would be aware of the stock market.
And this causes women a lot of
concern.
CUT TO:
EXT. SEATTLE - E-CAFE - DAY
SEATTLE GIRL
Take laundry. To him his clean
clothes are ready when he's ready to
go get them. And they can dry the
rest of the way in the drawer. But
they don't dry the rest of the way
in the drawer, they sit there in
damp musty unfolded balls and he
doesn't even mind, and I can't figure
that out. What is the matter with
folding something? What is the matter
with waiting for it to be dry?
CUT TO:
INT. DAVE'S CURRENT BEDROOM - DAY
Dave unloads a laundry basket on the bed. Starts folding
the clean clothes and making piles.
DAVE
Laundry's a big issue - and a deep
and puzzling mystery to guys. My
own wife Michelle, for instance, is
an accomplished sportswriter and
mother of an extremely young child,
yet she is still able to maintain a
vigorous clothes-cleaning regimen
bordering on the super-human. And
I'm not allowed near the stuff.
91.
MICHELLE
(comes in with more
CLOTHES)
He's right.
She dumps out the clothes, sees what he's doing and takes
over, doing it better. Dave picks up a random BLOUSE, shows
a LABEL with lots of printing on it.
DAVE
These are clearly secret codes, that
women intuitively understand but
cannot adequately explain -- just
like how a lot of guys understand
the Infield Fly Rule, without being
able to explain that.
MICHELLE
I can explain the Infield Fly Rule.
DAVE
Because you're special, Sweetheart.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "GUY BASHING"
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY
Dave anchors a semi circle with Sidra, Mia, Karla E and Lila.
They take turns focus group style.
SIDRA
Sometimes I think they're just like
tapeworms. You know? I mean
tapeworms are just tapeworms - that's
all they are, and all they'll ever
be. They're just these repulsive
little parasitic beasts and nobody
expects anything different from them -
because people know that's their
nature. And it's the same way with
guys - although a tapeworm's more
likely to help clean out the garage.
LILA
(NODS)
They have to be the biggest and they
have to be the best. And they can
never back down from a challenge.
Ever.
92
KARLA E
They sleep with your sister and wonder
what's wrong with that.
MIA
They will make a game out of anything.
A contest out of anything. Give
them a grain of sand and they will
figure out some game with it.
LILA
And they'll argue over the rules.
KARLA E
(off their agreement)
They leave their dirty dishes
everywhere. I can't believe the
places I'll find some crusted over
cereal bowl with yuckola blobs of
God knows what in them. And the
thing is, from his point of view?
They really do get cleaned by magic!
Because I can't take seeing them sit
there, so I clean them.
SIDRA
(to Karla E)
I just get him to wash my car when
that stuff happens.
KARLA E
Sweetheart he could wash my car with
his tongue and it still wouldn't
make up for where I find those dishes
sometimes.
DAVE
(while they commiserate)
So now that we've heard your thoughts.
The frustration, the exasperation...
the obvious question comes to mind:
Why go through it? Why have guys in
your life at all?
They look at him.
MIA
-- You mean as a choice? You mean
like a mature adult choice to have a
guy in your life? In spite of
everything?
93
SIDRA
Like trying to borrow money from
you, after you've broken up, so he
can buy something for his new
girlfriend? And wondering what the
problem was with that? I mean like
really not knowing?
Dave looks at her. They all do. Until --
LILA
I'll tell you why. There is no good
reason, that's why.
The others turn, look her way.
LILA
-- I mean don't get me wrong. They
really can be fun. You know, like a
big stupid dog can be fun. I mean
not everything has to be so serious
in life. You want to be able to do
more with someone than just read
book reviews together - which is
something a guy would never do anyway.
(then as the others
LISTEN CLOSER)
But what a guy will do? Is at eleven
o'clock at night he'll show up at
your door and bring cheese steaks.
And he doesn't care that you look
all rumply and dreadful from not
expecting anyone. He might not even
remember that you're a vegetarian
and don't eat cheese steaks -- but
that doesn't really matter either.
Because the point is he wanted one,
and he can't come out and say it but
he didn't want to eat it alone.
MIA
And you're the person he thought of.
LILA
(off her look; nods)
I can't tell you what that feels
like, when they do that.
(a beat; and then)
I swear, if they knew how adorable
they are sometimes, they'd be
dangerous. I mean -- more dangerous.
The other Girls think about that. Considering...
94.
SIDRA
-- Bullshit. They're tapeworms.
The rest of them agree and all high-five her. Dave leans
back from the fray, turns to the CAMERA.
DAVE
I think it's time for the conclusion
now.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE CONCLUSION"
EXT. JOHNNY LAKE'S HANG GLIDING CENTER - DAY
A SIGN says "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT." Dave is on top of the
hill, in a rig that the EX-LAWYER is fastening him into.
DAVE
Well now you know where things stand.
You've learned a little bit about
guys, and the critical roles they've
played in the past and in modern
society today. And for better or
worse, they're here with us to stay --
so the best thing you can do about
it, is continue to learn about them -
by coming to see this movie lots and
lots of times, and bringing more and
more of your friends back every time
you do. Because the more people
that understand guys, the better for
everyone. And the more people that --
(as the Lawyer launches
HIM)
-- WHOAAAAAAAALII
Off he goes. . .right out of frame, and --
FADE TO BLACK.
MUSIC AND END CREDITS BEGIN, AS --
CUT TO:
A PICTURE OF ROGER AND ELAINE, IN ROGER'S CAR
SUBTITLE: Roger now owns a 104-piece tool set, and he has
successfully attempted to change his first switchplate.
A PICTURE OF ELAINE WITH HER HEAD AGAINST THE BASEMENT DOOR
95.
SUBTITLE: Elaine has an open line of credit with Steve.
A PICTURE OF GENE AND KELLY, AT A DANCE CLASS
SUBTITLE: Gene and Kelly won the Fred and Ginger Award in
three straight ballroom competitions. Gene was right; they
belong together.
A PICTURE OF SHERYL CROW, IN CONCERT
SUBTITLE: Sheryl Crow gave a concert in Central Park for
half a million people a while back. We weren't there, but
we have it on CD.
A PICTURE OF RICHARD M. NIXON WAVING GOODBYE
SUBTITLE: Richard M. Nixon was finally elected President in
1968. He held that position until August, 1974, when he
resigned in disgrace.
A PICTURE OF AGENTS LEOPOLD AND STEARNS
SUBTITLE: Agent Leopold and Agent Stearns were fired by the
FBI for gross incompetence. They now work in network
television.
A PICTURE OF THE BRITISH GUY WHO PLAYED EVERY EXPERT
SUBTITLE: This man is not really an expert. If you see him,
don't listen to any of his opinions.
A PICTURE OF A BALLPLAYER, WITH HIS FACE BLURRED OUT
SUBTITLE: Rufino Lupenza is an imaginary ballplayer, created
by the filmmakers to prove a point. However, if he did exist,
and if he were any good, the Yankees probably would get him.
And that would suck.
A PICTURE OF JOHN MADDEN ON A TV SCREEN. WHICH THEN COMES
ALIVE --
JOHN MADDEN
Now these are the kinda end credits
you like to see. You got the final
update thing goin', where you find
out how all the characters you've
been watchin' are gonna turn out.
You got good music, a lively kinda
feel, and maybe most of all, the
movie itself isn't too long --
He reacts now, looking down at the TAIL CREDITS as they start
speeding up.
96.
JOHN MADDEN
-- that's how you know it's a real
movie, in my book. That's how you
know it's not some boring kinda art
piece made by these tortured head
case kids fresh outta film school --
you're not gonna come outta this
theater talkin' about symbolism, or
the use of darkness and light or any
kinda mumbo-jumbo like that -- you
come out of this movie and you're
laughin'. And that's what I like in
a movie - a movie that's funny but
it doesn't take forever, you know?
You still got some time to do
somethin' after, maybe go get
somethin' to eat, y'know? Because
the guys behind the thing knew enough
not to drag on and on and --
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE END"
As the MUSIC FADES.. .and it's QUIET. A good quiet...
DAVE (V.0.)
Hey what do you know? We got through
the whole entire thing without saying
"booger."
FADE OUT:
THE END
| Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
Writers : Jeff Arch Dave Barry
Genres : Comedy
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