HORRIBLE BOSSES
Written by
Michael Markowitz
April 14, 2010
FADE IN:
1 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT 1
Looking incredibly weary, NICK WATERS, 30's, enters his
apartment in his business suit. He stumbles into --
2 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 2
He drops his briefcase, strips off his jacket, loosens
his tie and collapses onto the bed like a dead man. PAN
OVER TO the alarm clock which reads "1:23 AM."
MATCH CUT TO:
3 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING 3
The alarm clock now reads "4:59 AM." It switches to
"5:00" and a BLARING BUZZER goes off. Nick sits up in
bed, shuts off the buzzer and painfully forces himself
out of bed. He hurries out of the bedroom, passing the
saddest, deadest houseplant in history.
4 INT. NICK'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 4
Nick opens his fridge to reveal a wasteland of moldy
leftover containers and crusty condiments. The orange
juice container he grabs is empty.
NICK
Damn.
He opens the freezer. It contains nothing but multiple
boxes of "Jimmy Dean's Breakfast Bowl -- with Bacon!" He
pops one in the microwave, then glances over at a framed
photo of a slightly younger Nick kissing a smiling OLD
WOMAN on the cheek. The frame reads: "I Y Grandma!"
Nick sighs sadly.
5 INT. NICK'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 5
Nick sits on the toilet eating his breakfast bowl with a
fork. He takes some toilet paper from the roll and wipes
his mouth with it.
6 INT. NICK'S SHOWER - MOMENTS LATER 6
Nick showers while simultaneously brushing his teeth and
shaving. He loses track and brushes his face with the
toothbrush.
2.
7 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 7
Nick hastily grabs work clothes from his messy drawers
and closet. Clearly, no laundry has been done in a
while.
8 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER 8
Nick hurriedly buttons his shirt, tucks it in and begins
tying his tie as the elevator reaches the lobby.
9 INT. NICK'S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER 9
As he drives to work, he dials a number and transfers it
to speakerphone.
JENNA (V.O.)
(GROGGY)
Hello?
NICK
(CHEERY)
Hey, Jenna, it's Nick.
JENNA (V.O.)
It's five-thirty in the morning,
Nick.
NICK
Yeah, sorry. This is like the
only time I have to make any
personal calls. I just wanted to
see if you felt like going out
again because I had a great time
with you on our last date.
JENNA (V.O.)
Our last date was two weeks ago.
You haven't called me since.
NICK
I know and that's my bad. I've
been swamped at work --
JENNA (V.O.)
Yeah, I remember. Work was all
you talked about when we went out.
NICK
Right. Well, I'm up for a
promotion which will give me a lot
more free time --
(CONTINUED)
3.
9 CONTINUED: 9
JENNA (V.O.)
Listen, I'm actually seeing
someone. And even if I weren't,
the last thing I need is some
career-obsessed guy complaining
about work all the time. See you
around, Nick.
She hangs up.
10 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - SHORT TIME LATER 10
A soulless four-story building in a drab office park.
Nick exits his car and runs full-speed to the entrance.
11 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 11
Nick bursts through the doors and looks at his watch. It
reads "6:02." He looks up at a security camera with a
flashing red light, indicating he is on tape.
NICK
Fuck!
DISSOLVE TO:
12 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - LATER 12
Nick sits at his desk inputting information from a large
PILE of documents into a spreadsheet on his computer.
The clock on his computer turns to "8:00 AM."
HARKEN (O.S.)
Nick.
Nick jumps, startled. He turns to see his boss, DAVE
HARKEN, 40's, standing behind him.
NICK
Yes?
HARKEN
See you in my office?
4.
13 INT. HARKEN'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON A VIDEOTAPE REPLAY - 13
MOMENTS LATER
of the lobby security camera footage on a television.
The time code at the bottom of the screen reads "6:02."
We see Nick looking up at the camera and silently
mouthing the word "Fuck!" The image freezes and we PULL
BACK to see Harken holding the remote. Nick stands
across from him.
HARKEN
Here's my concern, Nick. You're a
punctual guy. You understand the
importance of getting to work on
time. So that leaves me to wonder
if there isn't something wrong
with the internal clock in our
security system. What do you
think?
NICK
I don't know, Mr. Harken. I might
have been a minute late.
HARKEN
Two minutes according to this. So
either you're a liar -- which I
know you're not -- or our system
is off by a full minute. And if
that's the case, I have no choice
but to dismiss Thomas, our
longtime security coordinator.
NICK
Okay, I might have been two
minutes late.
There's an uncomfortable beat. Then --
HARKEN
So you did lie.
NICK
No, I --
Harken picks up the phone.
NICK
Who are you calling?
HARKEN
Thomas. I'm letting him go.
(CONTINUED)
5.
13 CONTINUED: 13
NICK
Wait! Okay, I guess I lied. But
I didn't mean to --
HARKEN
(hangs up phone)
Trust is everything in this
office, my friend. I know you've
been working your tail off for
that promotion, but if I can't
trust you, how can I make you
Senior VP of Sales?
NICK
I understand. You can trust me.
HARKEN
Now you sound like my wife.
He glances at a framed photo on his desk.
14 INSERT - PHOTO 14
of the hot, bikini-clad MRS. HARKEN, 30's, standing on a
beach.
15 BACK TO SCENE 15
HARKEN
(IMITATING HER)
`Trust me, honey.' `Trust me.'
Meanwhile, she's making love to
every guy in the neighborhood.
NICK
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
Oh, I'm sure she's... loyal to
YOU --
HARKEN
How could you possibly know that?
NICK
I don't.
HARKEN
Are you making love to my wife,
Nick?
NICK
What?! No!
(CONTINUED)
6.
15 CONTINUED: 15
HARKEN
I'm just kidding around. She's
out of your league. No offense.
NICK
None taken.
HARKEN
Hmm.
Harken has crossed to a credenza with several bottles of
booze, two glasses and an ice bucket. He begins to fill
a glass with ice and Scotch.
HARKEN
Would you like one?
NICK
It's 8:15.
HARKEN
You think there's something wrong
with a man enjoying a drink in the
morning?
NICK
(QUICKLY)
No, no. It's fine. I'd love a
drink.
Harken hands him the drink he just poured.
NICK
Thank you.
HARKEN
My pleasure.
Harken returns to his chair and sits.
NICK
Aren't you having one?
HARKEN
It's 8:15, Nick. I'm not an
alcoholic.
NICK
Oh. Well, I only took it because
I thought you were having one.
HARKEN
You took a drink because you
thought I was going to have one?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
7.
15 CONTINUED: (2) 15
HARKEN (CONT'D)
That doesn't exactly sound like
something a Senior VP would do.
NICK
Well, I --
HARKEN
What if you thought I was going to
dip my balls in honey and shaved
coconut? Would you do that too?
NICK
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Of course not.
HARKEN
Of course not. Anyway, we've
moved up the date of the AGM so
you're gonna need to complete your
due diligence by Monday. You'll
probably need to be here all
weekend.
NICK
(SIGHS)
Okay.
HARKEN
Hey, you want a promotion, you've
gotta earn it. Life's a marathon
and you can't win a marathon
without putting a few Band-Aids on
your nipples.
NICK
(huh?)
Got it.
Nick gets up to go.
HARKEN
Nick.
Nick turns back.
HARKEN
That's 18-year-old Scotch. I
can't really pour it back into the
bottle.
Nick, unsure of what to do, picks up the glass and gulps
it down.
(CONTINUED)
8.
15 CONTINUED: (3) 15
HARKEN
That should carry you till lunch,
huh?
16 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 16
A car pulls up outside the modest building.
17 INT. STACY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 17
STACY, cute, 30's, is dropping off DALE STEVENS, 30's,
who wears the scrubs of a dental hygienist.
STACY
Boy, I have to get used to driving
with this heavy ring on. I keep
swerving to the left.
DALE
Aww. You really like it?
STACY
I love it. I feel like a queen.
18 CLOSE ON HER ENGAGEMENT DIAMOND 18
It's tiny and yellowish.
19 BACK TO SCENE 19
DALE
Well, you're my queen. I love
you, Stacy.
STACY
Have a great day at work.
They kiss. Dale exits the car.
20 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 20
Stacy drives off. Dale steels himself for what lies
ahead, then goes inside.
21 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 21
Dale enters the waiting room, passing a few PATIENTS. He
grabs a mask and goggles from a supply room, then heads
INTO --
9.
22 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
Dale finds his boss, DR. JULIA HARRIS, 30's, sexy but
with something a little off, hovering over a patient, MR.
ANDERTON, 50's. Dale seems visibly uneasy.
JULIA
All right, Mr. Anderton, I'm going
to give you the nitrous now and
your root canal will be over
before you know it.
(TO DALE)
Dale? Please.
Dale turns the valve on the tank and soon Mr. Anderton's
eyes roll back in his head. Julia shuts the door, picks
up a drill and begins boring into the patient's molar.
JULIA
(loudly, over the
DRILL)
How are you today, Dale?
DALE
I'm fine. Thanks.
JULIA
You get a haircut?
DALE
Uh-huh.
JULIA
Looks good.
DALE
Thank you.
JULIA
You ever watch that show, `Gossip
Girl'?
DALE
Uh, no.
JULIA
I watched it last night. I'll
tell you, lot of cuties on that
program.
(THEN)
Number 7 scraper, please.
Dale hands her a tool.
(CONTINUED)
10.
22 CONTINUED: 22
JULIA
Thank you. I fingered myself so
hard to Penn Badgely, I broke a
nail.
Dale sighs and looks down at the unconscious Mr.
Anderton. This obviously isn't the first time Julia has
spoken this way.
JULIA
I'd let that kid put it in my ass.
Bet he's packing a plus-size
sausage under those True
Religions.
(then, looking up at
DALE)
Probe.
DALE
What?
JULIA
I need the probe.
DALE
Oh, right.
He hands her the tool.
JULIA
Bet you're no shrimp in the cock
department either, huh, Dale?
DALE
Julia, please.
JULIA
Oh, come on. You know I like to
fool around.
She lifts the patient's limp hand and cups it over her
breast.
JULIA
(FEIGNING SHOCK)
Mr. Anderton! Bad!
She smacks the lifeless hand and cackles with laughter.
JULIA
Okay, enough fun. Let's get back
to work. Water, please.
(CONTINUED)
11.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
Dale hands her the Water Jet tool. Julia briefly sprays
some water in the patient's mouth, then casually sprays
down Dale's crotch with it.
DALE
Hey!
JULIA
Sorry, I'm a squirter.
(studying his groin)
I think I can just make out our
friend. Looks like someone is
circumcised!
DALE
All right, Julia, listen. You
can't keep doing this.
JULIA
I know, I know, you have a
GIRLFRIEND --
DALE
She's not my girlfriend anymore.
Stacy and I got engaged last
night.
Julia's whole demeanor changes. She becomes deadly
serious.
JULIA
What?
DALE
We're engaged.
JULIA
You're actually going to marry
that little dummy?
DALE
Hey!
JULIA
I thought you said she was just a
hole for your dick.
DALE
That's a horrible thing to say. I
never said that!
Mr. Anderton GROANS groggily.
(CONTINUED)
12.
22 CONTINUED: (3) 22
JULIA
(OMINOUSLY)
I'm very disappointed in you,
Dale.
(then, coldly)
Scaler.
Shaken, Dale hands her the tool.
23 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 23
A medium-sized warehouse building in an industrial
neighborhood.
24 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - CONTINUOUS ACTION 24
KURT GAMBLE, 30s, good-looking, sits at his desk. Unlike
Nick and Dale, Kurt seems content in his workplace. A
reasonably cute, but by no means drop-dead gorgeous, UPS
GIRL approaches his desk with a package.
UPS GIRL
Excuse me? Can you sign for this,
please?
KURT
(TAKING IT)
Sure.
(LOOKING UP)
Whoa, whoa. Hold on. What is
this?
UPS GIRL
I'm sorry?
KURT
This is one of those hidden camera
shows, isn't it?
UPS GIRL
What do you mean?
KURT
Come on. You're way too good-
looking to be a UPS girl. What
are you, a model? An actress?
What's gonna happen when I open
this box? Is something going to
jump out at me?
(CONTINUED)
13.
24 CONTINUED: 24
UPS GIRL
(GRINNING)
Nothing's gonna happen. I'm just
a UPS girl.
KURT
Shut up.
UPS GIRL
(PLAYFULLY)
You shut up. It's true.
KURT
Well, then, I need to take you out
to dinner.
UPS GIRL
Why?
KURT
Because I want to be able to tell
my friends that I took out the
hottest UPS girl in America. Come
on, what do you say?
She considers this briefly, then scribbles her number on
a Post-it note.
KURT
Awesome. I'm Kurt.
UPS GIRL
Myrna.
KURT
Pretty name. How's Tuesday?
Macaroni Grill?
UPS GIRL
Okay.
KURT
See you then, Myrna.
She heads off. Kurt opens his DATEBOOK and scribbles
"UPS Girl" in the Tuesday slot. We see every night of
the week is filled with appointments with other women:
"Barnes & Noble girl," "Lauren? Laura?," "Blonde Chick"
and so on.
JACK (O.S.)
Busy week?
Kurt looks up at JACK PELLIT, 70s, the kindly,
affectionate owner of the company.
(CONTINUED)
14.
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
KURT
Hey, Jack. Yeah, just doing my
part for the women of America.
JACK
(CHUCKLING)
You're what we used to call a
rapscallion.
KURT
That sounds a lot more innocent
than `sex addict.'
JACK
Walk with me, Kurt.
The two of them head toward the exit.
JACK
I wanted to talk to you about --
KURT
Last quarter's profits? I ran the
numbers. We're down by 11 percent
year-to-year.
JACK
It's this damn recession. What
about cost-cutting measures?
KURT
Well, I know you don't want to cut
STAFF --
JACK
No way. These people have worked
their asses off for me. There's
no reason they should suffer.
Kurt looks at his boss with admiration. There's a lot of
love between these two.
KURT
There's also the issue of our
hazardous waste disposal. We're
paying a lot right now and the
Bolivians have come back with a
very good offer.
JACK
You know why it's good? Because
they'll dump our chemicals in
rivers, pollute water supplies and
hurt people. I've spent my life
building this company.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
15.
24 CONTINUED: (3) 24
JACK (CONT'D)
Would you want the Pellit name to
be associated with something like
that?
KURT
No, I wouldn't.
As they pass the unisex rest room, they see MARGIE, 30s
and clearly pregnant, looking uncomfortable as she waits
to get in.
JACK
Everything okay, Margie?
MARGIE
Oh hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt. I've
just been waiting to get in there
for a while now...
JACK
Who's in there?
MARGIE
It's... your son.
JACK
(SIGHS)
Of course it is.
(then, knocking on
THE DOOR)
Bobby? There's someone waiting.
You almost done in there?
After a long beat, the door opens and out steps BOBBY
PELLIT, late-20s, weasely-looking, sniffing a bit too
much and rubbing his nose repeatedly. There's something
unnaturally energetic about him.
PELLIT
What the fuck?! A guy can't get
any privacy in this place!
JACK
It's all yours, Margie.
Margie quickly slips into the rest room and shuts the
door.
JACK
You know, Bobby, you seem to be
spending more time in that
bathroom than at your desk these
days.
(CONTINUED)
16.
24 CONTINUED: (4) 24
PELLIT
Well, then, you're fucking stupid,
Dad. Because that's clearly not
true.
JACK
All I ask is that you do your part
around here, son.
PELLIT
I do my part. I do other people's
parts. But you just like to ride
my ass because I'm your son. I
don't see you screaming at --
(RE: KURT)
-- dickskin here.
JACK
(PATIENTLY)
That's because Kurt does his work
and does it well. You could take
a lesson from him.
PELLIT
(SNORTS)
The only thing I'd take a lesson
from him on is being gay. And I
wouldn't take that lesson because
I don't want to be gay.
JACK
(HEADING OFF)
Come on, Kurt.
Kurt follows after Jack.
PELLIT
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Jack and Kurt pass a receptionist desk and go out into --
25 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
Kurt walks Jack to his Cadillac.
JACK
Tell me something, Kurt. Are you
happy here?
KURT
You kidding? It's the best job in
the world.
(CONTINUED)
17.
25 CONTINUED: 25
JACK
I'm glad to hear you say that.
I'm rewriting my will tonight and
there's going to be a special
place for you in there.
He gives Kurt a hug like a doting father, then climbs
into his car. As Jack pulls out and begins driving
across the parking lot, Kurt waves. Suddenly, the car's
HORN begins to honk in a CONSTANT BLARE. Kurt lowers his
hand as the car veers off the pavement, slowly cruising
into a tree where it stops abruptly, the horn still
honking.
A bewildered Kurt runs toward the car, as we --
CUT TO:
26 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 26
Kurt sits at a table looking depressed.
KURT
He died instantly. They say his
heart burst in his chest like a
water balloon.
PAN to reveal Kurt is sitting with Dale, who looks just
as dejected.
DALE
Wow. Sorry, man. He was like a
dad to you.
KURT
I loved him. And I loved working
for him. And now his idiot son is
gonna be in charge. You know how
many times I've caught him doing
blow at work?
PAN FURTHER to reveal Nick sitting beside Dale.
NICK
That sucks. You were the only one
of us who didn't totally hate his
job.
(THEN)
Did I tell you Harken tricked me
into having a drink at eight
o'clock this morning? The guy's
the devil.
(CONTINUED)
18.
26 CONTINUED: 26
DALE
I thought he was giving you a
promotion.
NICK
He is. And he's got to do it
before the General Meeting next
week.
DALE
Well, at least your boss doesn't
sexually harass you.
KURT
This again?
DALE
I'm telling you, she's out of
control. It's a full-on hostile
work environment.
KURT
She's a woman who wants to have
sex with you. How bad can it be?
DALE
Today she sprayed my crotch with
water so she could see the outline
of my wiener.
KURT
Why don't you just fuck her?
DALE
I'm engaged!
KURT
Oh yeah. Congratulations, by the
way.
DALE
Thank you.
NICK
There's gotta be other dental
hygienist jobs out there.
DALE
I can't apply for another job,
remember?
KURT
Oh, right. Because you'd have to
tell them you're a child molester.
(CONTINUED)
19.
26 CONTINUED: (2) 26
NICK
He's not a child molester. He
just took his dick out in a
playground.
DALE
It was nighttime and I was peeing!
And it's bullshit that I got put
on the registered sex offender
list for that!
KURT
It worked out. Julia probably
hired you because she's a sexual
deviant herself.
DALE
Why would they put a playground
next to a bar anyway? That's
entrapment.
A SEMI-CUTE GIRL walks past.
KURT
(WITH JOYLESS
RESIGNATION)
Well, I should go see if that girl
wants to bone.
Kurt groans as he pulls himself out of the booth.
NICK
I thought you were all broken up
about your boss dying.
KURT
This is how I grieve, okay?
Kurt heads off after the girl.
DALE
Man. He must be grieving all the
time.
27 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY 27
Nick sits alongside five other CO-WORKERS at a conference
table. Harken's chair at the head is empty. Nick pours
himself some water from a glass pitcher on the table.
NICK
He did say ten o'clock, right?
(CONTINUED)
20.
27 CONTINUED: 27
CO-WORKER
Yeah. Do you know what this is
about?
NICK
It just said `staff meeting' on
the memo.
(WHISPERING)
Funny how he gets all over me if
I'm a minute late, but he makes us
wait fifteen.
HARKEN (O.S.)
You were two minutes late, Nick.
Nick jumps as Harken enters.
HARKEN
And I didn't know I had to punch a
clock with you.
NICK
You don't. Of course you don't.
I'm sorry --
HARKEN
I'm going to attribute this to
your drinking problem.
NICK
I don't have a --
HARKEN
(with a smile to the
OTHERS)
Let's get started. Shall we?
Nick's eyes narrow. Suddenly, he grabs the heavy glass
pitcher from the table and SHATTERS IT AGAINST HARKEN'S
FACE. Shards of glass fly everywhere as Harken falls
from his chair onto the floor.
SMASH CUT TO:
28 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 28
Harken is fine. Nick is as we left him.
HARKEN
Okay, have we figured out our best
sales distribution plan for the
new model year handsets?
(CONTINUED)
21.
28 CONTINUED: 28
Nick's CO-WORKERS bury their heads in their notes. Nick
tensely raises his hand.
HARKEN
Yes?
NICK
I simulated a number of sales
cycles, factoring in likely end-
users, point-of-sale limitations
and specific demographic
variables.
HARKEN
And?
NICK
And in my opinion, an open plan
selling process in our top 30
markets along with targeted
upgrade offers to existing
customers promises the greatest
yield.
Harken nods. Is he impressed?
HARKEN
Thank you, Nick. Did everyone see
how he did that? Yes, he may be a
pathological liar and have a
crippling drinking problem, but
when the chips are down, Nick has
what it takes.
Nick glows.
HARKEN
Which brings us to our next order
of business. I've decided who I
want as our new Senior VP of
Sales. He's sitting right here
among you.
Everyone turns to look at Nick.
HARKEN
It's me.
Everyone's head snaps back to Harken.
NICK
What?
(CONTINUED)
22.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
HARKEN
I've decided to absorb the
responsibilities of the Senior VP
position into my own. I realized
if you want something done right,
you do it yourself. So, I'm going
to be knocking down the wall
between my office and what
would've been the Senior VP's to
create a single, enormous office.
However, as a cost-cutting
measure, I will only be taking 85%
of the additional salary I'm
entitled to. It's called self-
sacrifice, people. Learn from
this.
Harken heads out.
29 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 29
Nick hurries to catch up with Harken.
NICK
Mr. Harken, can I speak to you?
HARKEN
What is it?
NICK
You've been hinting for months
that I was in line for that
promotion.
HARKEN
And look how hard you've worked.
NICK
So you've just been lying to me?
HARKEN
Not lying. Motivating. We're all
on the same team here, Nick.
We're all trying to find Lorenzo's
oil before it's too late for
little Lorenzo. Besides, I'm the
one who's taking on a lot more
work.
(CONTINUED)
23.
29 CONTINUED: 29
NICK
(barely keeping it
TOGETHER)
Last month you kept me working so
late I didn't get to say goodbye
to Gam Gam!
HARKEN
What?
NICK
My grandmother. I told you I
needed to see her but you said I'd
be fired if I left early. She
died before I could get to the
hospital.
(VOICE QUIVERING)
She taught me how to swim --
HARKEN
Oh, my God. I had no idea... that
you called your grandmother Gam
Gam.
(CHUCKLING)
I don't mean to laugh, but that's
adorable.
(off Nick's outraged
LOOK)
Look, Nick, I'm sorry you didn't
get to say bye-bye to Gam Gam. I
make you work late because you're
an invaluable part of this
operation. And I need you in your
current position.
NICK
I've been in that position for
eight years now. Why would I stay
here after being treated like
this?!
HARKEN
Because I will see to it that no
one else in our industry will hire
you.
NICK
What?
HARKEN
Anyone who interviews you will
want my letter of recommendation.
And I'm prepared to tell them that
you are a dishonest, insubordinate
drunk.
(CONTINUED)
24.
29 CONTINUED: (2) 29
NICK
But that's not true! You can't do
this!
Harken gets directly in Nick's face, speaking softly but
intensely.
HARKEN
Let me make this clear, you weak,
little fuck. I own you. You're
my bitch. Don't make the mistake
of thinking you have free will.
Because I can crush you any time I
like.
(stepping back,
FRIENDLY AGAIN)
Settle in, friend. You're here
for the long haul.
Harken slaps him hard on the back and continues on his
way, leaving a stunned Nick.
30 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 30
Kurt somberly heads to his desk. He's wearing a dark
suit.
PELLIT (O.S.)
Yo, dickwall! What the fuck?
Kurt sees Bobby Pellit standing in the doorway of what
was Jack's office.
KURT
What?
PELLIT
You're three hours late. What's
the deal?
KURT
I was at your father's funeral.
PELLIT
Maybe that excuse would've flown
when my dad was here, but I'm in
charge now.
KURT
That excuse wouldn't have made any
sense when your dad was here.
PELLIT
In my office. Now.
25.
31 INT. PELLIT'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 31
Kurt enters. He notices that the "Jack Pellit" nameplate
has been partially taped over with the name "Bobby"
scribbled in magic marker.
PELLIT
Sit.
Kurt sits. Bobby quickly slips a small mirror and rolled
up dollar bill into a drawer. Kurt sees Bobby has tossed
most of Jack's mementos, achievement awards and photos
with luminaries in the trash.
PELLIT
I've been looking over the books.
You're the accountant. Tell me
why this company is in the
crapper.
KURT
It's not in the crapper. It's a
recession. But we're still
profitable.
PELLIT
Bullshit. Look, I know you and my
dad were pals. Frankly, I always
thought it was weird and gay and I
never understood why my dad
thought you were so great. But it
doesn't matter now because he's in
the ground and I'm your boss. And
there's gonna be some changes
around here. First of all...
(pointing to a
BALANCE SHEET)
What is this `EnviroTech Waste
Management' shit that we're paying
so much for?
KURT
Your father made the decision to
pay a little more to dispose of
our chemical waste responsibly.
PELLIT
Yeah, fuck that. We've got an
offer from Bolivia to dump the
stuff for a third the cost.
KURT
But that would endanger thousands
of local residents.
(CONTINUED)
26.
31 CONTINUED: 31
PELLIT
So some jungle tribesmen get
cancer. Boo friggin' hoo.
KURT
They're not tribesmen. It's a
MODERN --
(THEN)
Look, Bobby, your dad told me very
clearly he'd die before he'd save
money by hurting people.
PELLIT
Well then, we're right on
schedule, aren't we?
Kurt's eyes narrow. He reaches into the trash can and
grabs one of Jack's discarded ACHIEVEMENT TROPHIES and
PLUNGES its pointy end deep into Pellit's chest, impaling
him in his chair.
SMASH CUT TO:
32 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 32
Kurt sits across from an unharmed Pellit.
PELLIT
Oh, and we also need to trim the
fat around here.
KURT
(snapping out of it)
What do you mean?
PELLIT
I want you to fire the fat people.
They're slow and lazy and they
make me sad to look at. Start
with Large Marge.
ANGLE ON Margie at her desk.
KURT
Margie's not fat. She's pregnant.
I'm not firing her.
PELLIT
Fine. Then fire Professor Xavier
over there.
ANGLE ON a balding, middle-aged man in a wheelchair,
HANK, who sits at a desk near Margie's.
(CONTINUED)
27.
32 CONTINUED: 32
KURT
Hank?
PELLIT
He creeps me out. Rolling around
in that weird little chair of his.
KURT
I'm not firing anyone! It's like
you don't care about this company
at all.
PELLIT
No shit. You think when I was a
kid I dreamed of running a fucking
chemical company? No. I dreamed
of retiring. Of being fed
tropical fruit on a beach by a
model while she blows me. And as
soon as I squeeze all the profit
out of this place, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do. So here's the
deal. You either fire the fatty
or the cripple, or I fire both of
them.
33 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MOMENTS LATER 33
Kurt sighs as he looks from Margie to Hank and back. At
last, he gathers his resolve and crosses to Hank's desk.
From a RESPECTFUL DISTANCE we watch as Kurt breaks the
news to Hank who reacts with sad resignation.
Kurt turns to see Pellit standing directly beside him.
PELLIT
(loudly, to the room)
Everyone, can I have your
attention please? I've just
learned that Kurt has fired our
dear friend Hank here. I want you
to know that I am as surprised and
angry about this as you are.
KURT
What are you -- ?!
PELLIT
This is entirely an accounting
department decision. My hands are
tied.
(then, to Kurt)
You are one heartless bastard,
Gamble.
(CONTINUED)
28.
33 CONTINUED: 33
Pellit heads off. Hank glares at Kurt.
KURT
Look, Hank, this was not my --
HANK
Fuck you, Kurt.
Hank wheels away, leaving Kurt to face the angry looks of
his CO-WORKERS.
CUT TO:
34 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 34
Dale, dressed for work, knocks on Julia's office door.
JULIA (O.S.)
Come in.
35 INT. JULIA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 35
Dale enters.
DALE
You wanted to see --
He looks up to find Julia sitting at her desk in nothing
but an unbuttoned white lab coat.
DALE
(AVERTING EYES)
Oh, God.
JULIA
Have a seat, Dale.
DALE
Do I have to?
JULIA
Please.
He sits, then immediately stands again.
DALE
Look, Julia, this is ridiculous --
JULIA
(holding up hand)
I know what you're going to say
and that's exactly what I want to
talk to you about.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
29.
35 CONTINUED: 35
JULIA (CONT'D)
Yes, I like to joke around at
work. And sometimes I might cross
the line a bit. But the last
thing I want to do is make you
uncomfortable. That's
unprofessional and I pride myself
on being a professional.
She leans back in her chair and puts her hands behind her
head revealing even more of her body.
JULIA
So from now on, I want you to tell
me when and if I cross the line.
DALE
Now. Right now.
JULIA
What?
DALE
You're naked, Julia!
JULIA
I'm not naked. You can't even see
my pussy.
DALE
Okay, right there! Just saying
`pussy' to me. That's over the
line.
JULIA
That's over the line? You're
starting to sound like a little
faggot, Dale.
DALE
Again! Naked, `pussy,' `faggot.'
All over the line. And probably
ILLEGAL --
JULIA
Okay, let's not start talking
about illegal, Mr. Pees-on-Young-
Boys.
DALE
It was an empty playground! In
the middle of the night!
JULIA
Even worse. That little boy must
have been terrified.
(CONTINUED)
30.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
Julia stands and moves uncomfortably close to Dale. He
tries not to stare at her breasts.
JULIA
Let's cut to the chase. You're
engaged now. And I respect the
institution of marriage too much
to violate it. That's why you
need to fuck me well before the
wedding. Because the closer it
gets, the less ladylike I'm going
to feel about this whole thing.
DALE
I'm not going to sleep with you,
Julia.
JULIA
We'll see about that.
(then, suddenly
ENRAGED)
OUT! GET OUT!
Startled, Dale hurries out of the office.
36 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 36
Nick, Dale and Kurt sit miserably over their drinks.
They've all had a few.
NICK
I feel like a total sucker.
Harken was never planning on
promoting me.
KURT
That coked-out douchebag is gonna
destroy Pellit Chemicals.
DALE
She stood there with her breasts
right in my face.
Nick and Kurt turn to Dale.
KURT
You know, yours just doesn't sound
that bad.
DALE
Why don't you guys quit? It's not
like you're sex offenders.
(CONTINUED)
31.
36 CONTINUED: 36
NICK
It's true. I mean, I'm young. I
could go back to school, change
fields.
In the b.g., a GUY has noticed them. He heads over.
KURT
Yeah. Why should I care about
protecting Pellit's name when his
own son doesn't? There's a
million jobs out there.
DALE
The world is your oyster.
GUY
Well, well, if it isn't the Three
Musketeers, Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Still hanging out like high
school, huh?
NICK
I don't believe it. Kenny Orkin!
DALE
I heard you moved to New York to
work at Lehman Brothers or
something.
KENNY (GUY)
I did. Hired me right out of
Yale.
KURT
So what are you doing back here?
KENNY
Don't you read the papers? They
shut us down. I've been looking
for work for the last two years.
It's crazy out here. I can't even
get a job waiting tables.
NICK
You? Waiting tables? You were
voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Everyone thought you were set.
KENNY
Everyone including me.
(INTENSE)
I'd murder those Lehman Brothers
if I could. Line them up, put one
bullet through their three heads.
(CONTINUED)
32.
36 CONTINUED: (2) 36
DALE
Easy, Kenny.
KENNY
It's just not fair. I was making
high six-figures. Now I can't
even afford this drink.
(holds up glass)
Seriously, you think you guys can
help me out at all?
The three guys exchange uncomfortable looks as they reach
for their wallets.
DALE
Uh, sure. Here's a few bucks,
Kenny.
KENNY
Okay, y'know that's not really
gonna do it for me.
(looking around,
LEANING IN)
I'll tell you what? What if I
give you guys handjobs? Forty
bucks. We can do it in the
bathroom right here. I'll do the
three of you for a hundred.
KURT
You're gay now?
KENNY
No, I'm not gay.
They look skeptical.
KENNY
I'm the opposite of gay!
They guys look at each other with eyebrows raised. Nick
mouths "opposite."
KENNY
Come on. Handjobs for the Three
Musketeers. Let's do this!
The BARTENDER spots Kenny and points at him.
BARTENDER
(YELLING)
I thought I told you to stay out
of here!
(CONTINUED)
33.
36 CONTINUED: (3) 36
KENNY
Whoops. Gotta go, guys. Call me
if you change your minds. I'm at
my mom's.
He hurries out. There's a silent beat as the guys
process what they've just witnessed.
CUT TO:
37 EXT. STREET - LATER 37
The three guys are walking home, all mildly buzzed.
KURT
So I guess we're just gonna be
miserable for the rest of our
lives.
DALE
What do you mean?
KURT
What options do we have? We can
quit our jobs and turn into Kenny.
Or keep our jobs and turn into
sad, ball-less losers who spend
their days dreaming of ways to
kill their bosses.
There's a beat as Nick regards Kurt.
NICK
You do that too?
KURT
Of course. Everyone does. It's
the only thing that keeps us from
going totally bat-shit.
NICK
The other day I imagined shoving
one of those jugs from the water
cooler in Harken's mouth and
making him drink until his bladder
explodes.
DALE
Jeez.
KURT
That's so funny. I had the same
idea for Pellit.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
34.
37 CONTINUED: 37
KURT (CONT'D)
Only using gasoline instead of
water. And his ass instead of his
mouth.
DALE
You guys are sick.
KURT
What's sick about it? It's just a
way to let off steam.
NICK
Yeah, Dale. It's not like we're
actually going to kill our bosses.
They continue walking. After a beat.
KURT
You have to admit though, our
lives would be a lot better if our
bosses were dead.
NICK
Well, of course. It's the one
thing that keeps me from being
happy.
DALE
Me too.
There's another beat.
KURT
Let's just consider this, for one
second.
DALE
Consider what?
KURT
Killing our bosses. I'm just
being hypothetical here.
DALE
(laughing it off)
Yeah, right.
NICK
Very funny.
KURT
Well, it's not like they're gonna
live forever. These pieces of
shit are going to die someday.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
35.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
KURT (CONT'D)
We'd just be accelerating that
natural process.
NICK
Shut up, Kurt.
DALE
Yeah, shut up, Kurt.
KURT
(EARNEST)
Frankly, I don't see any reason
not to do it.
DALE
Well, first of all, killing
someone is illegal and immoral --
KURT
It may be illegal but I'm not sure
it's immoral. Sometimes one evil
person has to die for the greater
good of the community. If Bobby
Pellit has his way, hundreds,
maybe thousands of innocent
Bolivians will suffer. It would
actually be immoral not to kill
him.
Nick begins to warm to the idea.
NICK
I didn't get to say goodbye to Gam
Gam because of Harken.
KURT
Exactly! Who knows how many other
Gam Gams have died alone.
DALE
I can't believe you guys are
actually talking about this. I
don't care how bad our bosses are.
We're not murderers.
NICK
No, we're not, Dale. We're just
trying to live our lives. But
what are we supposed to do when
someone makes it impossible for us
to live our lives? Do we just
bend over and take it up the ass
forever?
(CONTINUED)
36.
37 CONTINUED: (3) 37
KURT
No, we do not!
DALE
What you guys are talking about is
wrong and you know it.
NICK
Julia's ruining your life. That's
wrong.
KURT
Yeah!
DALE
She's not ruining my life. If
anything's ruining my life it's
you guys and your drunk bullshit.
KURT
If it's bullshit, Dale, then how
come we all want to do it so much?
They reach the corner where they part ways.
DALE
I don't want to do it. And when
you sober up neither will you.
We're not killing anyone.
Dale heads off.
KURT
(TO NICK)
I was just being hypothetical.
NICK
(QUICKLY)
Yeah, me too.
OFF their ambivalent looks --
38 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - NEXT DAY 38
Dale is organizing some equipment when a pair of woman's
hands suddenly cover his eyes.
WOMAN (O.S.)
(SUGGESTIVELY)
Guess who?
(CONTINUED)
37.
38 CONTINUED: 38
DALE
(WEARILY)
I'm really not in the mood for
this now --
He turns and reacts as he sees it's not Julia, but his
fiancée, Stacy.
DALE
Stacy?!
STACY
Not in the mood for what?
DALE
For... nothing. What are you
doing here?
Julia appears in her office doorway.
JULIA
I invited her.
STACY
She called and said now that we're
engaged, she wanted to offer me
free dental work. And you know
I've had that loose filling for a
while. It's so sweet of you,
Julia.
JULIA
It's my pleasure. You're part of
the family now.
DALE
(VISIBLY UPTIGHT)
Uhhhh... I don't know if this is a
good idea.
STACY
Why not?
DALE
We don't want to take advantage of
Julia.
JULIA
Dale, there's nothing you could do
that would be taking advantage of
me. Nothing.
(then, to Stacy)
Now what do you say we pump you
full of gas?
(CONTINUED)
38.
38 CONTINUED: (2) 38
Julia leads Stacy into the exam room. Dale cuts them
off.
DALE
Wait -- no gas. She doesn't need
to be out.
STACY
What are you talking about, Dale?
You know I'm not good with drills.
JULIA
(POINTEDLY)
You don't want your fiancée to
suffer, do you?
OFF Dale's defeated look --
CUT TO:
39 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER 39
Stacy lies on the chair with the nitrous mask over her
nose. Julia and Dale stand beside her.
STACY
(LOSING
CONSCIOUSNESS)
Ten, nine... eight... seh...
And she's out. Immediately, Julia pounces on Dale,
feverishly trying to unbuckle his belt.
DALE
Hey! Stop it, what are you -- ?
JULIA
You're gonna give me that dong,
Dale!
DALE
NO!
Stacy groans softly. Dale pushes Julia away.
DALE
I knew you only brought her in
here to mess with me.
JULIA
Let's have sex on top of her.
Let's use her like a bed!
(CONTINUED)
39.
39 CONTINUED: 39
Julia begins to clamber up onto Stacy's supine body.
Dale pulls her off.
DALE
All right, that's it, Julia. This
is over. You're out of your mind.
I quit!
He goes to turn off the gas but before he can --
JULIA
I'll tell her you fucked me!
DALE
What?
JULIA
If you don't fuck me, I'll tell
her you fucked me.
DALE
Tell her whatever you want. She'd
never believe you.
Julia opens a nearby drawer and tosses an envelope onto
Stacy's chest.
JULIA
She already knows you're a sex
offender. And once she sees
these, I think she'll believe me.
DALE
What is that?
JULIA
You remember your first week here
when I replaced the crown on your
second bicuspid?
DALE
(NERVOUSLY)
... Yeah?
JULIA
I took a few snapshots of the
procedure. For my files.
Dale lunges at the envelope and pulls out the photos.
40.
40 CLOSE ON THE PICTURES 40
-- Dale lies on the dentist chair, his eyes open and his
hands behind his head with Julia at his crotch,
apparently fellating him.
-- Julia, now nude, straddles Dale, who is naked from the
waist down on the chair. She holds one arm in the air
like a rodeo cowboy.
-- Julia is on the floor, her legs splayed while Dale
lies limply on top of her.
-- Julia is on all fours. Dale is limply draped over her
back, apparently doing her doggy-style.
41 BACK TO SCENE 41
DALE
(SHOCKED)
You... you did all this while I
was unconscious?
JULIA
Yup.
DALE
How did you make it look like I
was awake?
JULIA
Taped your eyes open.
DALE
This is rape! You raped me!
JULIA
Don't get all dramatic. Your dick
wasn't hard. But it will be next
time. Or else Stacy here gets a
look at my photo album.
She holds up the packet of photos.
JULIA
(SUDDENLY
PROFESSIONAL)
Now, let's repair this patient's
filling, shall we?
Dale gapes at her, dumbstruck.
41.
42 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - THAT EVENING 42
Kurt and Nick are playing a videogame as Dale bursts
through the front door.
DALE
Let's kill the bitch.
KURT
Huh?
NICK
What bitch?
DALE
My boss. Our bosses. They need
to die.
Nick and Kurt exchange a look.
NICK
We were drunk last night, man.
And didn't you say killing was
wrong?
DALE
That was before Julia tried to
fuck me on top of my fiancée's
unconscious body.
KURT
Whoa!
DALE
I say we kill them all. Are you
guys in or out?
KURT
I was in last night.
DALE
Yes! Nick?
They both turn to Nick who is uncertain. Kurt spots the
photo of Nick with his GRANDMOTHER and grabs it off the
wall.
KURT
Look at her. Look at Bubby.
NICK
Gam Gam.
(CONTINUED)
42.
42 CONTINUED: 42
KURT
Look at Gam Gam. Getting a smooch
from her favorite grandson.
Little does she know that she'll
never get to say goodbye to him.
And why? Because his shithead
boss wouldn't let him leave. What
would Gam Gam want you to do?
NICK
Probably not kill him.
KURT
This isn't about Gam Gam. This is
about you. What do you want,
Nick?
NICK
I want him to die.
KURT
Damn straight!
NICK
Okay, I'm in.
KURT
All right! Let's do this.
(THEN)
How do we do this?
DALE
I was thinking about that on my
way over. Stacy and I watch a lot
of `Law & Order' and there's a ton
of ways criminals mess up. Things
we'd never think of. They leave
behind clothing fibers, bullet
casings, hair, skin cells --
KURT
Skin cells?! I can't even keep
track of my keys!
DALE
Exactly. And that's why we need a
professional.
NICK
What are you talking about, a
hitman?
Dale nods.
(CONTINUED)
43.
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
KURT
You know, that's not bad. I mean,
we don't clean our own apartments,
right? We hire someone to clean
them for us.
DALE
Maybe you do, moneybags.
NICK
But where are we supposed to find
a hitman?
DALE
That's the only problem. I have
no idea.
There's a beat. Kurt's eyes light up.
KURT
I do. Meet at my place tomorrow
after work. And make sure you're
not followed.
NICK
Why would anyone follow us?
KURT
I don't know. People get
followed.
DALE
What people?
KURT
Just meet me at my place.
43 INT. KURT'S APARTMENT - NEXT EVENING 43
Kurt opens the door on Nick and Dale. The decor of
Kurt's place is best described as a middle-income
bachelor pad.
KURT
Come in. The guy should be here
pretty soon.
NICK
Wait. You actually found
someone?!
KURT
It was as easy as buying a used
futon.
(CONTINUED)
44.
43 CONTINUED: 43
He points to his computer. On the screen is a listing
FROM --
DALE
Craigslist?! You found a hitman
on Craigslist.
KURT
Yup. But they don't post it as
`hitman.' That would be stupid.
They use code words, like
`liquidation,' `pest control,'
`wet work.' Check it out. This
is our guy.
Nick reads the listing.
NICK
`Skilled professional with years
of experience in domestic and
international wet work. Fast and
discreet. No children or
political figures.'
KURT
See? He's principled.
DALE
This is so dangerous. What if
he's a narc?
NICK
Yeah, Kurt. Call him back and
cancel.
KURT
It's too late. He's on his way.
DALE
What do we do if this guy gets
here and he asks for so much money
that we can't afford him and he
gets mad and kills all of us?
KURT
I don't think he'd stay in
business long if he killed
everyone who couldn't afford him.
NICK
(looking out window)
Guys! I think this is him!
The others hurry to look. From --
45.
44 THEIR POV 44
We see a black Mercedes SLK pull up. A distinguished-
looking MAN in a well-tailored suit steps out. He wears
sunglasses and carries a briefcase.
45 BACK TO SCENE 45
NICK
Nice car.
KURT
Whoa. This guy's legit.
DALE
I bet that briefcase has one of
those guns you have to screw
together.
NICK
All right, let's just be
professional here. We don't want
to seem all giddy.
A knock at the door.
KURT
(HUSHED)
How's my hair?
NICK
(SOTTO)
It doesn't matter!
Kurt opens the door on the Man who looks even smoother up
close.
MAN
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Is one of you Kurt?
DALE
(whispering to Nick)
Oh my God, he's like James Bond!
KURT
(to the Man)
Yes, hi, I'm Kurt. Please come
in.
MAN
Thank you. Are all three of you
participating in this?
(CONTINUED)
46.
45 CONTINUED: 45
NICK
Yes, we are.
MAN
Very well. Now before we go any
further, I need to know if there
are any hidden recording devices
in this room. I will find out if
there are.
DALE
No, no! We definitely don't want
to record this, sir.
MAN
Then let's get started.
He walks to the middle of the living room, opens his
briefcase and takes out a plastic tarp which he proceeds
to unfurl over the carpet.
KURT
Whoa, whoa. What's that for?
MAN
For the mess.
NICK
We don't want you to kill us!
DALE
(FREAKING OUT)
Oh my God! I knew it!
MAN
Kill you? What are you talking
about?
The guys exchange a confused look.
KURT
Your ad said you do wet work.
MAN
That's correct. I urinate on
other men for money.
NICK/KURT
What?!
MAN
Why do you think my ad was in the
`men seeking men' section?
(CONTINUED)
47.
45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
NICK
(TO KURT)
You were looking in `men seeking
men'?!
KURT
Yeah! We're men seeking a man,
aren't we?
NICK
You are such a moron.
MAN
So you're telling me I drove all
the way to the Valley and no one
wants to be pissed on?
DALE
Please don't kill us.
MAN
I don't kill people!
(then, sighing)
Can I use your rest room? I've
stored up rather a large amount of
pee for this.
KURT
(POINTING)
It's right through there.
The Man heads off. After a beat --
KURT
Good thing I didn't call the guy
who was offering to do `dirty
work.'
46 INT. KURT'S CAR - THAT NIGHT 46
Kurt drives. Nick is in the passenger seat. Dale in
back.
KURT
All right, I'll take the blame for
that one.
NICK
That's big of you.
KURT
I'm going to make it up to you. I
figured out a much better way to
find a contract killer.
(CONTINUED)
48.
46 CONTINUED: 46
DALE
What's that?
Kurt reaches up and pushes a button on the rear-view
mirror. A male voice comes over the speaker.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
(INDIAN ACCENT)
Hello, Mr. Gamble, thank you for
contacting On Star --
DALE
Oh, come on!
NICK
(TO KURT)
This is your plan?
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
-- my name is Gregory. How can I
be of service this evening?
KURT
Gregory, I need you to direct me
to the most dangerous bar in Los
Angeles.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I'm sorry?
KURT
We need to find the bar with the
most scumbags, lowlifes and
hardcore shitheads. Can you help
us out?
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I'm afraid our listings are not
organized by danger, sir. I do
see there is a Bennigan's three
blocks from your current
LOCATION --
KURT
Okay, Gregory? That's unhelpful.
While I'm sure there are plenty of
shitheads there, they're not the
kind of shitheads we need.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I can direct you to the
neighborhood with the greatest
number of car-jackings in your
area.
(CONTINUED)
49.
46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
KURT
Now we're talking.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Very good, sir. You may wish to
lock your doors.
Kurt and the others lock their doors.
47 EXT. SCARY NEIGHBORHOOD - SHORT TIME LATER 47
Kurt's car drives down a depressed-looking block.
48 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 48
The guys are still chatting with Gregory.
NICK
So, do you like living in
Bangalore?
GREGORY (ON STAR REP)(V.O.)
It's not bad. Humid.
DALE
Now, `Gregory.' Is that your real
name?
GREGORY (V.O.)
No, sir. My real name is
Atmanand.
KURT
Atmanand? How did you get Gregory
from that?
GREGORY (V.O.)
`Gregory' was assigned to me by On
Star.
NICK
Why don't they let you use your
real name?
GREGORY (V.O.)
Many Americans find our real names
off-putting.
KURT
Actually, I do find Atmanand a
little off-putting.
(CONTINUED)
50.
48 CONTINUED: 48
GREGORY (V.O.)
(FLAT)
You have arrived at your
destination, sir.
DALE/NICK
Thank you, Gregory./Thanks,
Gregory.
49 EXT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 49
Kurt's car pulls up on a grimy-looking South-Central
street and stops in front of a dingy bar. The guys get
out and look around warily.
KURT
This must be the place.
DALE
Aren't you worried about your car?
KURT
Nah, Gregory's watching it.
NICK
You really think we're gonna find
a hitman in there?
KURT
I think we're gonna have a hard
time deciding between all the
hitmen in there. Trust me, these
are the lowest of the low.
50 INT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 50
The three guys enter the squalid, smoky place. The room
is full of surly-looking PATRONS, none of them white.
People turn to stare.
NICK
Oh, real nice, Kurt. Way to be
racist.
KURT
This isn't a race thing. We need
a criminal and this neighborhood
is where they live. I'm not
saying that's because there are a
lot of black people here. That's
the fault of our society that
discriminates and disenfranchises
them.
(CONTINUED)
51.
50 CONTINUED: 50
DALE
You said they were the lowest of
the low.
KURT
I was speaking socio-economically.
NICK
So what do we do now? Yell out
`anyone here kill people for
money?'
KURT
Let me handle this.
They each take a seat at the bar where a no-nonsense
BARTENDER walks over to them.
BARTENDER
Yeah?
KURT
Hey. How you doing? Nice place.
(LEANING IN)
Listen, does anyone here kill
people for money?
NICK
Kurt!
An intense-looking GUY on the next stool notices them.
BARTENDER
The fuck did you just say?
KURT
Don't get me wrong. This isn't
about race. Our society
discriminates and disenfranchises
YOU --
DALE
(head in hands)
Oh my God.
BARTENDER
I'm a small business owner. Who
are you calling disenfranchised?
KURT
I didn't mean you in particular.
BARTENDER
Right. You mean all black people.
(CONTINUED)
52.
50 CONTINUED: (2) 50
NICK
Maybe we should go?
BARTENDER
You could do that. Or I could
take the aluminum baseball bat I'm
holding in my right hand and
disenfranchise your teeth from
your mouth.
DALE
I vote we go.
The three stand and head for the door.
KURT
Okay, we're going. I'm sorry if I
offended you. It was never my --
BARTENDER
Oh shit, please shut up.
KURT
Okey doke.
51 EXT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 51
The guys come out onto the sidewalk.
DALE
This is ridiculous. We're never
gonna find someone to do this for
us.
COCKSUCKER JONES (O.S.)
Yo!
They turn to see COCKSUCKER JONES, 30s, the guy who was
sitting next to them at the bar.
COCKSUCKER JONES
I think I can help you boys.
He gestures for them to follow him into the alley beside
the bar. Kurt and Nick move to follow.
DALE
Oh, we're just gonna follow him
into that alley?... All right.
52 INT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 52
Cocksucker Jones leans in to the three guys.
(CONTINUED)
53.
52 CONTINUED: 52
COCKSUCKER JONES
I heard you're looking for someone
to take care of some business for
you?
NICK
Yes, we are. Are you a...
businessman?
COCKSUCKER JONES
(putting out his
HAND)
Cocksucker Jones.
NICK
(unsure whether to
take his hand)
Excuse me?
COCKSUCKER JONES
That's my name.
DALE
Your first name is Cocksucker?
COCKSUCKER JONES
And my last name's Jones. You got
a problem with that?
DALE
No, no. It's just interesting.
That's the name on your birth
certificate?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Naw, man. It's a nickname. My
real name is Dean.
DALE
Oh! Like Dean Jones. The actor
from Herbie the Love Bug.
KURT
(quietly to Dale)
I don't think he knows who Dean
Jones is.
COCKSUCKER JONES
I know who Dean Jones is, bitch!
I can't walk around here with that
kind of faggy, cracker name.
NICK
So you chose `cocksucker'?
(CONTINUED)
54.
52 CONTINUED: (2) 52
COCKSUCKER JONES
That's right. Nobody fucks with a
cocksucker. `Cocksucker' is the
toughest name there is.
DALE
Not `motherfucker'?
COCKSUCKER JONES
I considered Motherfucker. But in
the end, I thought Cocksucker
Jones sounded more badass than
Motherfucker Jones.
KURT
I agree.
NICK
Okay, here's the thing: we each
work for a boss that we need to
get rid of. Is that something you
might be able to help us with?
COCKSUCKER JONES
It is. Assuming you've got the
cheese.
KURT
We've got cheese. How much cheese
are we talking?
COCKSUCKER JONES
For three hits? That's gonna run
you thirty large.
NICK
That's a lot of cheese.
KURT
We don't have that much cheese.
DALE
Isn't there any kind of discount
because we're buying three at
once? Like buy two, get one free.
COCKSUCKER JONES
This ain't the motherfucking Cold
Stone Creamery. It's thirty large
or nothing.
NICK
There's no way we can pay that.
(CONTINUED)
55.
52 CONTINUED: (3) 52
COCKSUCKER JONES
Five large.
DALE
Wow.
(TO NICK)
Good negotiating.
NICK
That's a lot more reasonable. And
that would be for all three,
Cocksucker?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Yeah.
KURT
Great. We're in.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Okay, meet me back here tomorrow
night with the cash. I'll take
care of the rest.
NICK
Should we bring the bills in any
kind of special denominations?
COCKSUCKER JONES
No, just, whatever. Small bills.
NICK
Got it.
KURT
And do you want it in any
particular container, like a
shoebox?
NICK
Or a paper bag?
DALE
Or plastic. I read an article
that plastic is actually better
for the environment than paper.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Fuck the environment! Just put
that shit in a briefcase.
NICK
Got it. Thanks. Come on, guys.
They turn to go, when Dale turns back.
(CONTINUED)
56.
52 CONTINUED: (4) 52
DALE
Should we deduct the cost of the
briefcase?
COCKSUCKER JONES
What?!
DALE
I mean, assuming we don't get the
case back... We're not getting the
case back, right?
Cocksucker glares at him.
DALE
Well, that's like an extra eighty
bucks. Only seems fair that we
should take that out of your end.
NICK
We'll cover the briefcase, Dale.
DALE
Then let's get a cheap one. It
doesn't have to be real leather.
(then to Cocksucker)
Are you cool with faux -- ?
Kurt grabs Dale by the shoulder and hustles him to the
car.
DISSOLVE TO:
53 SERIES OF SHOTS 53
MUSIC CUE: Frank Sinatra's "(Forget Your Troubles, Come
On) Get Happy"
-- Dale, Kurt and Nick each take a turn at an ATM
machine, withdrawing the maximum amount they can.
-- Nick at his desk at work. He looks over his cubicle
wall and his eyes narrow as he sees Harken directing a
WORKMAN who stencils the words "Senior Vice President of
Sales" below where it already says "President." Another
WORKMAN uses a sledgehammer on the wall of the office.
Nick grins malevolently.
-- Kurt is at his desk in the chemical company. He looks
up to see Bobby Pellit open his office door and lead out
two obvious HOOKERS. Pellit has white powder around his
nostrils. He spots Kurt watching him and he sneers back.
Kurt smiles devilishly.
(CONTINUED)
57.
53 CONTINUED: 53
-- CLOSE ON Dale as he places tooth X-rays into plastic
contact sheets. PULL BACK to reveal Julia is licking his
neck while tweaking his nipples through his scrubs. In
contrast to earlier, Dale appears to be unfazed and
almost amused by Julia's antics.
54 EXT. ALLEY - THAT NIGHT 54
Cocksucker Jones holds an open briefcase that's empty but
for a single stack of taped together 20-dollar bills.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Looks like it's all here.
DALE
Turns out we didn't really need
the briefcase after all. Could've
just used a manila envelope.
KURT
Shut up, Dale.
NICK
So, Cocksucker, how long do you
think it'll be before you've...
taken care of business?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Here's the thing. I just got out
of doing a dime for some pretty
ugly shit and I'm still on
probation. They're watching me.
So if I step out of line, I go
right back inside.
KURT
You told us you could take care of
it.
COCKSUCKER JONES
And I'm gonna. I'm gonna be your
professional advisor. Think of me
as your murder consultant.
NICK
We don't want a murder consultant.
We want a murderer.
DALE
I knew we were getting ripped off!
KURT
Okay, look. This isn't what we
talked about.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
58.
54 CONTINUED: 54
KURT (CONT'D)
Can we just get our money back,
please? Then we'll be on our way.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Sorry, no refunds.
NICK
That's five thousand dollars. You
think we're just gonna walk away
and let you keep that?
COCKSUCKER JONES
(getting in his face)
I think you're forgetting who
you're talking to.
Cocksucker pulls back the lower edge of his jacket to
reveal what appears to be the holster of a gun.
DALE
Whoa, whoa! We don't want any
trouble.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Now either I give you the advice
you paid for, or you can walk away
with nothing. Up to you.
KURT
Look, the whole reason we came to
you is because we don't have the
experience to do it ourselves.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Most killers are first-timers.
Look, the key to a good murder is
making it look like an accident.
Gas leak, brakes failing, suicide,
that sort of thing. If you do it
right, you won't even have to be
there when it goes down.
NICK
That makes sense. But how would
we fake three accidents?
COCKSUCKER JONES
You need to stalk your prey, track
their movements, get to know them
inside and out. Where do they go?
What do they eat for breakfast?
Who're they fucking?
(CONTINUED)
59.
54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
DALE
You're talking about surveillance
and recon.
COCKSUCKER JONES
But making it look like an
accident won't be enough if the
pigs can pin a motive on you.
NICK
Well, we all have obvious motives
for killing our bosses.
COCKSUCKER JONES
So why don't you kill each other's
bosses?
DALE
Hey, that's a good idea. Like
Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train.
KURT
The Danny DeVito movie?
DALE
Yes, the famous Alfred
Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie.
You're thinking of Throw Mama from
the Train. But it's actually the
same idea. If we kill each
other's bosses there's no link to
us.
NICK
That's pretty good.
COCKSUCKER JONES
That's what you're paying me for.
Now ain't that worth five grand?
The guys all AD LIB "no's."
COCKSUCKER JONES
Yeah, well, too fucking bad.
55 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - NEXT EVENING 55
Nick is poring over a stack of documents when his phone
rings.
INTERCUT WITH:
60.
56 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 56
Kurt and Dale wait in the car outside of Nick's office.
KURT
We're outside. You ready for a
little recon?
NICK
Yeah. I just need to get Harken
to let me leave early.
KURT
What's the difference? He's not
going to be your boss much longer.
NICK
(WHISPERING)
If I get fired before we kill
Harken, this'll all have been for
nothing. I'll just be an out-of-
work murderer.
(THEN)
I'll be down in three minutes.
He hangs up then peers over his cubicle wall to see
Harken talking to another EMPLOYEE nearby. Nick takes a
breath, leans over his garbage pail and sticks a
Commtronix pen down his throat. At the sound of Nick's
loud WRETCHING, Harken looks over to see him puking into
the trash pail.
HARKEN
What in God's name...?!
NICK
(WEAKLY)
Sorry, sir. I've been fighting
this bug all day. I'll just get
back to work --
Nick wipes his mouth and turns pathetically back to his
desk.
HARKEN
No. Go home. I don't want you
getting everyone else sick.
NICK
Oh, okay. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
Nick grabs his jacket and moves to go.
(CONTINUED)
61.
56 CONTINUED: 56
HARKEN
Wait. Take your work with you.
Have it on my desk at six AM.
Nick barely conceals his contempt as he picks up the
stack of papers and heads out.
HARKEN
(MUTTERING)
Disgusting.
57 EXT. BOBBY PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT DAY 57
Kurt's car pulls up slowly and parks. Kurt, Dale and
Nick slump down in their seats.
58 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 58
KURT
Okay, boys, as soon as Pellit
makes a move, we tail him. It is
on now.
NICK
Oh, it's on.
DALE
Hells yeah!
They watch the house with steely determination.
DISSOLVE TO:
59 INT. KURT'S CAR - ONE HOUR LATER 59
The guys are bored out of their minds, barely awake.
Dale nibbles on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a
plastic bag.
KURT
Ugghhhhh, I can't believe how much
this sucks.
DALE
I don't get it. On TV,
surveillance always looks so
great. They've got their cups of
coffee. Their sunflower seeds.
They talk about their lives.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
62.
59 CONTINUED: 59
DALE (CONT'D)
And then, right when they reveal
something really intimate, the
perp appears and they spring into
action.
A long, silent pause as they watch the house...
NICK
Are we even sure he's home?
They exchange looks.
KURT
(opening his door)
Let's go check it out.
They get out of the car. Dale pockets his sandwich.
60 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 60
The three guys creep around Pellit's patio, peeking in
doors and windows. Finally:
NICK
I don't see him.
Kurt is about to try a window when Dale stops him.
DALE
What are you doing?
KURT
We're not gonna get intel standing
on his lawn. We have to go in.
DALE
What about fingerprints? We don't
have gloves.
KURT
Here, do this.
Kurt pulls his shirt sleeves down over his hands. Dale
does the same. Nick, who wears a T-shirt, tucks his
hands inside the bottom of the shirt. With some
difficulty, Kurt slides open the window.
KURT
Here we go.
The three of them manage to wriggle through the window.
It's not graceful: Dale's foot gets caught on the sill,
causing him to tumble on top of Nick and Kurt. At last,
all three are inside.
63.
61 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
KURT
Dale, keep an eye out. Let us
know if Pellit's coming.
DALE
Got it. Wait, I don't know what
he looks like.
NICK
It doesn't matter. Just tell us
if anyone comes.
DALE
Got it.
They take in Pellit's living room. There's a leather
sofa, a 60-inch plasma and enormous speakers. On the
wall are framed Ed Hardy posters depicting dragons and
half-naked girls.
KURT
Wow. This guy's a bigger
douchebag than me.
NICK
Okay, let's split up. Look for
any intel we can use on him.
KURT
What kind of intel?
NICK
I don't know. I guess we'll know
it when we see it.
Kurt heads upstairs while Dale and Nick look around the
living room.
DALE
Hey, Nick? Does this count as
intel?
Nick looks over to see Dale holding in his sleeve-covered
hands an open wooden box filled with white powder.
NICK
Holy shit, that's a lot of blow.
DALE
God, this must be worth, like, ten
thousand -- oh shit!
(CONTINUED)
64.
61 CONTINUED: 61
Suddenly, the box slips out of Dale's hands. It hits the
floor, sending a cascade of cocaine all over the rug.
NICK
What the fuck?!!
DALE
Sorry, my sleeves were slippery!
NICK
We've got to get that back in the
box.
DALE
I've got it.
He kneels and begins trying to scoop up the coke in his
hands. It's an impossible task.
62 INT. PELLIT'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 62
Kurt looks around the room. He doesn't see anything
useful so he heads into --
63 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 63
He flips on the light. His eyes land on Pellit's
toothbrush. He grins slyly.
64 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 64
Dale is still on his knees, scooping up coke, as Nick
returns from the kitchen cradling a Dustbuster in his T-
shirt.
NICK
Look out. Let me try this.
Struggling with his hands in his T-shirt, Nick vacuums up
the cocaine from the rug. When he's finished, he pops
open the vacuum's waste receptacle and dumps the contents
back in the wooden box.
65 CLOSE ON THE BOX 65
Which is now filled not only with cocaine, but bits of
hair, dust bunnies, food and other crap.
65.
66 BACK TO SCENE 66
DALE
I guess we should've emptied the
Dustbuster before we used it.
NICK
You think?
67 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 67
Just BELOW FRAME, Kurt removes Pellit's toothbrush from
his ass and returns it to its holder, careful to keep his
hands covered with his sleeves.
He's about to go when he notices a bar of Neutrogena face
soap beside the sink. He looks around deviously.
68 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER 68
Dale and Nick are doing their best to pick the crap out
of Pellit's cocaine.
DALE
Hey look, there's a piece of
cereal in here. Can't tell if
that's a corn flake or a frosted
flake...
Kurt comes down the stairs.
KURT
Okay, my work upstairs is done.
You guys ready to split?
69 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 69
Kurt pulls away from the curb.
NICK
We need to be better prepared.
That was totally dangerous and a
complete waste of time.
KURT
Not a complete waste.
He pulls a BlackBerry out of his pocket.
NICK
Oh no... don't tell me...
(CONTINUED)
66.
69 CONTINUED: 69
DALE
You stole that from Pellit's
house?
KURT
It's got his calendar and his
contacts. This is what recon's
all about.
DALE
(GLUM)
Nobody said we'd be stealing.
KURT
Shall we pay a little visit to
your boss, Nick?
NICK
I guess so. But let's make a stop
first.
70 EXT. RITE-AID PHARMACY - MINUTES LATER 70
Nick emerges from the store with a plastic bag and gets
into Kurt's car.
71 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 71
DALE
What did you need to get?
Nick holds up a box of latex gloves.
NICK
No more sleeve gloves.
DALE
Nice.
KURT
Oh man, you should've asked me.
I've got a whole box of those in
my bedside table.
(off their grossed-
OUT LOOKS)
Don't judge me.
NICK
Take a right up here. Harken's
place is about a mile away.
They drive for a beat. Then --
(CONTINUED)
67.
71 CONTINUED: 71
DALE
Y'know... this is kinda, I don't
know... exciting.
KURT
Very.
NICK
(a little smile)
Yeah.
(THEN)
I guess we're really doing this
now, huh?
DALE
(GRINNING)
I guess so.
72 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 72
A two-story house with a tidy yard. Kurt's car pulls up.
73 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73
Kurt and Nick begin pulling on their gloves.
DALE
Can I have a pair?
NICK
You know, last time with the three
of us, it got a little... messy.
What if Kurt and I go in and you
stay here and watch out for
Harken?
DALE
Okay -- again, I don't know what
he looks like.
NICK
If anyone approaches the house,
assume it's him and give us a
signal.
DALE
Fine. I'll honk the horn six
times.
KURT
Maybe something a little more
subtle?
(CONTINUED)
68.
73 CONTINUED: 73
DALE
Honk the horn four times?
NICK
How about you just honk once?
DALE
People honk once all the time.
You'll be running in and out of
the house.
KURT
Fine. Honk twice.
DALE
(SKEPTICAL)
Okay...
Nick and Kurt get out of the car. After a beat, Dale
remembers his sandwich and pulls it out of his pocket.
74 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 74
Kurt and Nick sneak up to the front porch which is
camouflaged by shrubs. They peek inside.
NICK
(WHISPERING)
Looks like the coast is clear.
Kurt tries the windows. They're locked.
KURT
Damn. Guess we'll have to break
in the old-fashioned way.
Kurt looks around and spots a small rock beside the
porch. He picks it up and winds back to throw it at the
window.
NICK
Kurt, wait!
But it's too late. Kurt has released the rock. It HITS
the window, but instead of breaking the glass, the rock
itself BREAKS into two pieces.
KURT
Holy shit. I broke the rock.
NICK
No, it's one of those hide-a-key
things. Look...
(CONTINUED)
69.
74 CONTINUED: 74
Nick shows Kurt a key concealed in one half of the fake
rock. He grabs it and inserts it into the front door
lock.
75 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75
The guys tiptoe in, whispering and tense. The place is
tastefully decorated with attractive furniture and modern
art. There is a vase of flowers on a table.
NICK
Wow. This is not how I pictured
his place.
KURT
For all we know, he's got a closet
full of skin suits.
A CAT springs out of nowhere, startling them, then runs
off.
NICK
Jesus!
KURT
Stupid cat.
(THEN)
Let's check upstairs.
They head up.
76 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 76
Dale is finishing the last of his peanut butter sandwich.
He checks the rearview mirror. No sign of anyone.
DALE
(singing a la Cher,
SIMULATING AUTO-
TUNE)
`Do you believe in love after
love/I can feel something inside
me say/I really don't think you're
strong enough now...'
77 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 77
Just as Kurt and Nick enter, the cat suddenly jumps out
from behind the door, startling them again.
(CONTINUED)
70.
77 CONTINUED: 77
KURT
God damn it! How many cats do
they have?
NICK
I think that was the same one.
KURT
Little bastard.
Kurt notices a framed wedding photo on the dresser of
Harken and Mrs. Harken.
KURT
Damn. That's Mrs. Harken? I'd
like to cover her in cock yogurt.
NICK
You want to cover every woman
in... did you say `cock yogurt'?
KURT
I did.
Yet again, Kurt and Nick jump as the cat LEAPS out of
hiding with a YOWL then runs off.
KURT
Ahhh!
NICK
If he's so scared of us, why
doesn't he just leave us alone?!
78 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 78
Dale plays a bowling game on his cell phone.
DALE
C'mon, c'mon... yes!
A breeze blows through the open windows of the car,
catching the plastic bag from Dale's sandwich and
carrying it out the window.
79 EXT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 79
Just then, Harken, in running attire, comes jogging up
the street. His eye is caught by the plastic bag falling
from the car window onto the street. He stops and
angrily picks up the bag.
(CONTINUED)
71.
79 CONTINUED: 79
HARKEN
Hey, schmuck.
Dale, surprised, turns to the window.
DALE
Excuse me?
HARKEN
You want to tell me why you're
littering on my street?
DALE
Oh, I'm sorry, that blew out the
window. I wasn't littering.
HARKEN
I don't care if it blew out of
your twat. Now, get your fucking
Chevy Cavalier the hell off my
block!
DALE
Whoa. Sir, there's no need to be
hostile.
HARKEN
Hostile? You want to see hostile?
How about I go in the house and
get my --
Suddenly, Harken begins to choke and his face grows
increasingly red.
DALE
Get your what?
With one hand Harken grabs his throat and with the other
he looks at the plastic bag he's holding.
HARKEN
(STRAINED)
Peanuts?
DALE
Huh? Oh, yeah. It was a peanut
butter sandwich.
Harken collapses to his knees. His face is turning blue
now. Dale quickly steps out of the car.
DALE
Oh god! What should I do?! Tell
me what to do!
(CONTINUED)
72.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
Harken yanks up the right leg of his jogging pants
revealing an EPI-PEN strapped to his ankle. He reaches
for it, but Dale moves faster.
DALE
What do I do with this? Should I
inject you?!
Harken nods urgently as his eyes begin to roll back.
DALE
Okay, hold on! I got this.
Dale takes the cap off the epi-pen, raises his arm and
jams the needle into Harken's chest. Harken lets out a
grunt.
DALE
Did I do it? Did I get enough
in?! I'm gonna do it again!
Dale raises his arm again.
80 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 80
Nick continues to search around the bedroom. Kurt is by
the window.
NICK
Do you see a Day Runner or an
address book?
KURT
NO --
(glances out the
WINDOW)
What the...? Dude, check this
out.
Nick joins him at the window and they both react as they
see what appears to be Dale repeatedly STABBING Harken in
the chest, neck and arms. Harken lies motionless on the
sidewalk.
NICK
(EXCITED)
That's Harken! Dale's killing
Harken!
KURT
Holy shit! He's really doing it!
(REALIZING)
Out where everyone can see him.
(CONTINUED)
73.
80 CONTINUED: 80
NICK
What the hell is he thinking?!
KURT
He's not stopping. He's gonna get
us all caught. We've gotta get
out of here.
NICK
What about Dale?
KURT
He's a psychopath. We leave him
behind.
NICK
Right. Let's go through the back!
As they hurry to leave the room, Kurt stumbles over the
CAT which has appeared yet again. Unseen by either of
them, PELLIT'S BLACKBERRY SLIPS out of his pocket and
lands on the floor at the foot of Harken's bed.
81 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 81
As Dale kneels over Harken to check his breathing, a car
pulls up alongside and MRS. HARKEN steps out. Seeing her
husband on the ground, she rushes over.
MRS. HARKEN
Oh my god! What happened?!
DALE
He had an allergic reaction. But
I think he's coming around. Do
you know him?
MRS. HARKEN
He's my husband.
Mrs. Harken kneels beside Harken and supports his head.
MRS. HARKEN
Honey? Can you hear me?
Harken groggily looks down at his torso which is
perforated by dozens of tiny needle marks.
HARKEN
(groggy, to Dale)
Wha-- What did you do to me?
DALE
I injected you with your thing.
(CONTINUED)
74.
81 CONTINUED: 81
MRS. HARKEN
He saved your life, honey.
(TO DALE)
Thank you so much!
She grabs Dale in a warm hug.
DALE
Oh, it was nothing.
HARKEN
(to Mrs. Harken)
What's this? What's with the
hugging?
MRS. HARKEN
I'm just thankful that he was
here.
HARKEN
I'll bet you are. Do you know
this guy?
MRS. HARKEN
No. We just --
HARKEN
Are you fucking him, Rhonda?
MRS. HARKEN
Oh, come on.
HARKEN
(TO DALE)
What were you doing out here,
anyway? Waiting to fuck my wife?
DALE
(FLUSTERED)
I've never met your wife --
Still a bit woozy, Harken gets to his feet and points at
Dale.
HARKEN
You need to get the hell out of
here.
MRS. HARKEN
Dave, stop it. You should be
thanking him. Why are you being
so suspicious?
(CONTINUED)
75.
81 CONTINUED: (2) 81
HARKEN
Why? Because I know you sleep
around on me. And I'm going to
find out who it is.
MRS. HARKEN
You're being ridiculous.
HARKEN
Am I? What about Maurilio? I see
the way you look at him.
MRS. HARKEN
I am not having sex with the
gardener!
As Harken and his wife continue to bicker, Dale quietly
retreats to Kurt's car.
82 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATER 82
Nick and Kurt pace nervously.
NICK
I can't believe that idiot Dale.
You realize we're all going to
jail because of him.
KURT
I can't go to jail. Look at these
eyes. Look at this ass. They'll
be all over me.
NICK
Yeah, me too.
KURT
(NOT CONVINCED)
Well...
NICK
What do you mean `well'? I'd get
raped just as much as you.
KURT
(PATRONIZING)
No, of course you would. You're a
good-looking guy.
NICK
You think you're more rape-able
than I am.
(CONTINUED)
76.
82 CONTINUED: 82
KURT
I never said that --
Dale enters.
DALE
Oh good. You guys are here. Did
you see me out there?
KURT
Yeah, Dale, we saw you.
DALE
Pretty neat, huh?
NICK
No, it wasn't neat! You stabbed
Harken to death in front of the
whole neighborhood!
KURT
Not cool, man.
DALE
Wait, that was Harken?
NICK
Who'd you think you were stabbing?
DALE
I wasn't stabbing anybody. That
was an epi-pen. He was having an
allergic reaction to peanuts and I
injected him.
Kurt and Nick digest this for a beat.
NICK
So let me understand this. My
boss, who we are trying to kill,
was dying in front of you and you
saved his life?
KURT
Not cool, man.
DALE
Wait, you were just mad at me for
killing him and now you're mad at
me for not killing him?!
(THEN)
See, this is why I needed to know
what these people look like!
(CONTINUED)
77.
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
NICK
Hang on a sec. Maybe this recon
wasn't a waste of time. Now we
know Harken's deathly allergic to
peanuts and Pellit has a huge
stash of cocaine.
KURT
(GETTING IT)
We could put peanuts in Harken's
house and rat poison in Pellit's
coke!
NICK
Everyone would assume that Pellit
just got a batch of tainted drugs.
DALE
But Harken must always have that
epi-pen on him.
They consider this for a beat.
KURT
I bet he doesn't wear it in the
shower. We could put peanuts in
his shampoo!
NICK
Perfect! Two fatal accidents.
And we're not even there when they
happen.
DALE
That just leaves Julia.
KURT
Tomorrow night, I'll surveil her
and figure out how to take her
down.
NICK
Good. I'll get some rat poison
and take care of Pellit. Dale,
think you can get some peanuts
into Harken's shampoo?
DALE
I can do that.
KURT
All right. That just leaves us
with one final thing to settle.
(CONTINUED)
78.
82 CONTINUED: (3) 82
NICK
What's that?
KURT
Dale, if Nick and I were in
prison, which one of us would get
raped more?
OFF Dale's confusion and Nick's annoyance --
83 EXT. PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT NIGHT 83
Nick sits in his parked car watching the house through
binoculars.
84 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84
Through an upstairs window, he sees Pellit enter his
bedroom. Nick checks his coat pocket and confirms it
contains a Home Depot bag with rat poison inside. Nick
dials his cell phone.
INTERCUT WITH:
85 EXT. JULIA'S CONDO - SAME TIME 85
Kurt sits in his car, reading Maxim magazine. Julia's
car pulls up. She gets out, goes to the trunk, opens it,
then bends down to get a bag of groceries. Nick watches
her ass appreciatively as she does and keeps watching as
she heads into her building.
SFX: His cell phone rings.
NICK
(ON PHONE)
Hey. Have you learned anything
about Julia yet?
KURT
Well, I've learned that Dale is a
homosexual because this chick is
unbelievably hot. How's it going
over there?
NICK
I'm just waiting for Pellit to go
to sleep. I wonder how Dale's
doing with Harken.
79.
86 EXT. HARKEN'S STREET - SAME TIME 86
Dale's car is parked.
87 INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 87
Dale watches the movie Precious on his laptop. He
glances over to see Harken turn on the light in his
bedroom. On the seat beside Dale, we see a large jar of
Planters peanuts.
88 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 88
Harken looks around suspiciously, then goes to Mrs.
Harken's closet. He opens it and begins looking through
her clothing. He sniffs one of her dresses and his eyes
narrow. He sniffs himself, then compares it to the smell
of the dress. Unsatisfied, he continues searching around
the room for any incriminating evidence. Suddenly, his
foot comes in contact with something on the floor. He
reaches down and picks up...
PELLIT'S BLACKBERRY.
He turns it on and scrolls down the contacts list to
"HOME" which shows Bobby Pellit's name and address.
Harken's face turns beet red.
89 INT. DALE'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 89
Dale ducks down as he sees Harken's garage door opening.
Harken's Porsche 911 pulls out and zooms up the street.
Still scooched down, Dale dials his phone.
90 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 90
Nick watches Pellit performing a series of sweaty KUNG FU
MOVES in a full-length mirror.
NICK
Jesus, where does he get the
energy?
(REMEMBERING)
Oh yeah.
CELL PHONE RINGS.
Nick answers.
NICK
What's up, Dale?
(CONTINUED)
80.
90 CONTINUED: 90
DALE
Harken just left his house. I'm
going in.
NICK
Good luck, man.
DALE
Thanks.
91 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 91
Dale flips on the light and enters clutching the peanut
jar in his gloved hands. He slides open the shower
curtain and Harken's CAT LEAPS OUT at him.
DALE
Ahhh!
He regains his composure and finds a bottle of men's
shampoo. As he nervously removes the cap from the
shampoo and the lid from the peanuts, he notices that MR.
PEANUT is STARING right at him. Despite his jaunty top
hat and little monocle, there is something almost
accusing in his look. Dale stares back at Mr. Peanut as
we see his resolve soften.
92 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 92
Nick watches as Pellit finally gets into bed and turns
off his bedside lamp.
NICK
Okay. Here we go.
Nick reaches for the door handle as --
SFX: Nick's cell phone rings. Nick jumps, then answers
the phone.
INTERCUT WITH:
93 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
DALE
(INTO PHONE)
Nick?
NICK
What?
(CONTINUED)
81.
93 CONTINUED: 93
DALE
I'm not sure if I can do this.
NICK
Where are you?
DALE
In Harken's bathroom. About to
pour the nuts in his shampoo.
But, I just... I know he's a real
shithead, but he's still a person,
y'know?
Lights appear in Nick's rearview mirror.
NICK
(looking down at the
rat poison,
RELUCTANTLY)
Yeah. I know.
Harken's Porsche pulls up and stops just behind Nick's
car. Harken gets out and heads toward Pellit's front
door.
DALE
What should I do? Should I do it?
Suddenly, Nick looks up to see HARKEN knocking on
Pellit's door. In the bedroom, Pellit's light goes on.
NICK
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck?!
DALE
What?
NICK
It's Harken. He's here!
DALE
At Pellit's?! Why?!
NICK
I don't know. He's knocking on
his door!
DALE
How would Harken even know Pellit?
82.
94 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 94
Looking irritated, Pellit answers the door. Before he
can get a word out...
... Harken removes a gun from his pocket and SHOOTS
Pellit twice in the chest.
95 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 95
Nick reacts, slumping down in his seat, horrified.
NICK
Oh my god oh my god oh my god...
DALE
What? What? What?!
NICK
He shot him. Harken shot Pellit!
DALE
Oh my god. Is he dead?!
NICK
Shhhh!
With shaking hands, Nick reaches for his ignition but
knocks the car keys out. They fall onto the floor of the
car.
NICK
(HUSHED)
Fuck!
As Nick bends down to find his keys, Harken's shadow
looms over him. Nick cowers just out of sight.
96 EXT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 96
Harken looks around. Did he hear something? No. He
calmly but briskly walks away from Nick's car, gets into
his own and speeds off.
97 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 97
DALE
What's happening?
NICK
Harken's gone.
(CONTINUED)
83.
97 CONTINUED: 97
DALE
What about Pellit?
NICK
He's not moving. He looks dead.
DALE
Shit! What do we do?!
NICK
I've got to get out of here before
someone sees me! Meet me at the
bar. I'll call Kurt.
Nick ZOOMS away from the curb.
98 EXT. STREET CORNER - MOMENTS LATER 98
Nick's car SPEEDS through a red light at an intersection.
A TRAFFIC CAMERA FLASHES as it snaps Nick's photo and
license plate.
99 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 99
With trembling hands, Nick and Dale take deep gulps of
their drinks. Kurt hurries in, looking disheveled. The
ensuing conversation is conducted in tense whispers.
KURT
Okay, let's all stay calm and
figure this out.
NICK
Calm? How can we be calm? I
watched a man die an hour ago!
KURT
A man you were going to kill
anyway.
NICK
Well...
KURT
What?
NICK
I don't know if I had it in me.
DALE
Me neither.
(CONTINUED)
84.
99 CONTINUED: 99
KURT
I can't believe you guys! You
can't just bail on a plan like
that at the last minute.
NICK
You think when it came down to it,
you would've been able to murder
Julia?
Kurt softens.
KURT
I don't know. I mean, afterwards,
it was kind of hard to imagine
killing her.
Nick and Dale turn to him, quizzically.
DALE
`Afterwards'?
Kurt realizes what he said.
NICK
You slept with her, didn't you?
DALE
(TO KURT)
Oh god. Please tell me you didn't
sleep with her.
Kurt lowers his head.
NICK
You are a mess.
KURT
I know, I know. But it's not my
fault.
CUT TO:
100 FLASHBACK - EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 100
Kurt's car is parked across the street.
KURT (V.O.)
At first I was surveilling her
just like I was supposed to...
85.
101 INT. KURT'S CAR - NIGHT 101
Kurt watches through her bedroom window as Julia
undresses sexily.
KURT (V.O.)
Then she started deliberately
undressing in front of the window.
With the lights on. She must've
known I was there.
As Julia removes her bra, we see Kurt's face pressed
against his car window, his breath fogging it up.
102 INT. KURT'S CAR - LATER 102
Julia enters her bedroom with a tray of food. She wears
a skimpy kimono-style robe. She sits on her bed and
unwraps a Popsicle.
KURT (V.O.)
Then she made herself a little
snack. A Popsicle...
We see Julia eat the Popsicle as suggestively as humanly
possible. Then she picks up a banana and peels it.
KURT (V.O.)
... then a banana....
Julia eases the whole banana into her mouth. Then she
picks up a hot dog.
KURT (V.O.)
... and finally a hot dog. I
mean, three penis-shaped foods
cannot be coincidence. And in
that weird order? That's not a
proper meal.
103 EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 103
DALE (V.O.)
So you took that as an invitation
to fuck her?
Julia opens her front door, stares straight at Kurt and
beckons him inside with one finger. She walks back
inside, leaving the door wide open.
KURT (V.O.)
No. I took her invitation to fuck
her as an invitation to fuck her.
(CONTINUED)
86.
103 CONTINUED: 103
Kurt opens his car door so quickly he tumbles out
headfirst, planting his face on the street. He jumps up,
but one ankle is tangled in the seatbelt. He finally
extricates himself and hurries to the house as fast as he
can.
104 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION (PRESENT) 104
NICK
There is something clinically
wrong with you.
KURT
I know. I'm a rapscallion.
DALE
You're not a rapscallion. You're
a whore. A filthy whore.
KURT
Hey. Not nice. And besides, I
think I actually solved your
problem, Dale. Julia just needed
a good fucking. I bet she's not
going to mess with you anymore.
NICK
Whatever. We have bigger fish to
fry right now. What do we do
about Harken?
KURT
Here's what we do. We call the
cops and make an anonymous tip
that Harken killed Pellit. Boom.
Harken's in jail. Pellit's in
hell. Julia's had the crazy
fucked out of her. Our problems
are solved. Boom.
NICK
Okay, but we should find a
payphone. We don't want them
tracing the call to us.
105 EXT. BRADFORD'S BAR - MINUTES LATER 105
Nick, Kurt and Dale emerge from the bar.
NICK
Come on, we'll take my car.
The three of them climb into Nick's car.
87.
106 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 106
Before Nick can even pull out of his parking spot, they
hear the WHOOP of a police siren and see the flashing
lights of a SQUAD CAR behind them. The guys' faces go
white.
NICK
What the hell?
Nick unrolls his window as one COP approaches his side
and his PARTNER comes up on the other.
COP
Are you the owner of this vehicle?
NICK
Uh, yes. Is there something
wrong?
COP
We've got an APB on a black Kia
Spectra, license 4HIG208.
NICK
Can I ask why?
COP
A traffic cam caught this vehicle
fleeing the scene of a crime
tonight. I'm going to need you to
follow us to the station.
KURT
Officer? This is not my car. Is
it okay if I just -- ?
COP
All three of you, please.
Nick glares at Kurt as the cops head back to their car.
107 INT. POLICE STATION - LATER 107
Kurt, Nick and Dale sit in a waiting area looking equal
parts terrified and pissed at each other. Throughout the
following, they speak in hushed voices.
DALE
They know everything. We're dead.
I can't believe I let you guys
talk me into this!
(CONTINUED)
88.
107 CONTINUED: 107
KURT
Oh, please. We were just being
hypothetical. You're the one who
pushed us to do it.
NICK
We can't even say anything about
Harken now.
KURT
Why not?
NICK
Uh, well, Kurt, being outside the
murder victim's house because I
was planning to murder him
probably isn't the best alibi in
the world.
KURT
You know, I didn't actually do
anything illegal, so...
DALE
You broke into two people's houses
and stole a BlackBerry!
KURT
You gonna rat on me, Dale?
DALE
Well, since I'm the only one
without a connection to the
murder, yeah, maybe I will.
NICK
That means you'd also rat on me.
KURT
Not if I rat on Dale first.
Just then, a burly detective, HAGAN, appears behind them.
HAGAN
Gentlemen, this way, please.
The guys glare angrily at each other as they follow
Hagan.
108 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MINUTES LATER 108
Nick, Dale and Kurt sit on metal chairs across a table
from Hagan and his equally burly partner, SAMSON. Hagan
slides a PHOTO across the table to Nick.
89.
109 CLOSE ON A BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF NICK 109
taken by the traffic camera. His terrified face is
clear, as is the time stamp at the bottom.
110 BACK TO SCENE 110
HAGAN
Do you want to explain why you
were driving 61 in a 25 zone, a
block from the victim's house two
minutes after he was shot to
death?
NICK
I... was drag racing.
(off their skeptical
LOOK)
I am a drag racer. There's no law
against that, is there?
HAGAN
Actually there is.
SAMSON
You were drag racing in a Kia
Spectra?
NICK
I don't win a lot.
HAGAN
Here's what I don't understand.
You're at the crime scene. An
hour later when we find your car,
you just happen to be hanging out
with this guy...
(gestures to Dale)
... a registered sex offender --
KURT
(RE: DALE)
Tsk tsk.
HAGAN
... and this guy...
(gestures at Kurt and
holds up a wallet)
... whose employee ID says he
works for Pellit Chemicals, the
victim's company.
(CONTINUED)
90.
110 CONTINUED: 110
KURT
(FEIGNING SHOCK)
Wait. My boss was murdered?!
Bobby Pellit?!
DALE
(WRY)
You want me to get you a Kleenex?
KURT
I can't believe this.
(TO NICK)
What were you doing near his
house?!
Nick looks at him, pissed.
NICK
Where were you during the murder?
KURT
I was making love.
DALE
(SNORTS)
`Making love.'
KURT
(to the cops)
Let me ask you something,
Detective. Let's say one of us
knew who the shooter was and was
willing to hand you that perp on a
platter. Would he be entitled to
some sort of immunity for that
information?
Both Dale and Nick shoot daggers at him.
HAGAN
No. But he would be entitled to
some sort of jail time. Because
if he knew who the shooter was and
didn't tell us, that would be
obstruction of justice.
A beat.
KURT
Well, then I'm glad we have no
idea who the shooter is, right,
guys?
(CONTINUED)
91.
110 CONTINUED: (2) 110
SAMSON
(LOSING PATIENCE)
If you expect us to believe this
is all just a big coincidence,
we're going to be here for a long
time.
DALE
Okay wait!
Now it's Kurt and Nick who look nervous. Is Dale about
to crack?
DALE
Saying that we'll be here for a
long time implies that we can't
leave. Does that mean we're under
arrest?
Samson looks to Hagan who grimaces.
HAGAN
No. We just brought you in for
questioning.
DALE
So, you don't have evidence
constituting probable cause to
arrest us?
SAMSON
Not yet.
DALE
Well then, we're free to go?
HAGAN
Technically.
Dale nervously stands up, half expecting to be hit.
DALE
Come on, guys.
Kurt and Nick, impressed and relieved, stand and head
out.
111 INT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS ACTION 111
The three guys head for the exit.
(CONTINUED)
92.
111 CONTINUED: 111
NICK
(TO DALE)
Nice work. Where'd that come
from?
DALE
`Law & Order.'
KURT
We really showed those guys.
NICK
`We'? You were gonna turn us in!
KURT
For, like, a second.
SAMSON (O.S.)
Stop!
The guys turn to see Samson holding out a traffic
citation.
SAMSON
(handing it to Nick)
For speeding and running a red
light.
(THEN)
Don't get too comfortable out
there, boys. Our forensics team
is sweeping Pellit's house for
fingerprints and DNA. And they
don't miss much.
We HOLD ON Kurt's face and --
CUT TO:
112 FLASHBACK - INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - DAY 112
Kurt pulls Pellit's toothbrush out of his butt and
returns it to its holder.
113 BACK TO SCENE (PRESENT) 113
Kurt suddenly looks nauseous.
114 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 114
Kurt drives, Nick is in front and Dale in back.
(CONTINUED)
93.
114 CONTINUED: 114
KURT
We are so fucked.
NICK
Maybe it's time to lawyer up.
DALE
I don't have money for a lawyer.
I gave all my money to Cocksucker
Jones!
KURT
Hey, that's right! I forgot all
about Cocksucker. Why don't we
ask him what to do?
NICK
We did pay him five thousand
dollars to be our murder
consultant.
DALE
Actually, it was five thousand
forty with the briefcase.
OFF their looks --
CUT TO:
115 INT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 115
Cocksucker Jones looks up from his bar stool, surprised
to see Nick, Kurt and Dale.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Oh damn, look who's back. How did
it go with the Strangers on a
Train shit?
KURT
Not great. We need your help.
NICK
One of our intended victims killed
another of our intended victims.
Cocksucker's eyes go wide.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Shut the fuck up! What kind of
evil geniuses are you?
(CONTINUED)
94.
115 CONTINUED: 115
DALE
We don't even know why it
happened. But the cops brought us
in as suspects. What do we do
now?
COCKSUCKER JONES
First things first. I'm gonna
need another five thousand
dollars.
KURT
What? No way. You said the last
five thousand would cover this!
COCKSUCKER JONES
Okay, fine. Pay for my drink.
As Nick puts down a few bills on the bar, Dale leans in
to Kurt.
DALE
(SOTTO)
Not the best negotiator, is he?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Let me ask you this -- the guy who
killed the other guy you were
planning on killing, are the
police after him too?
NICK
No. They don't suspect him.
COCKSUCKER JONES
All right, so you're gonna need to
encourage him to turn himself in,
by say, kidnapping his wife and
mailing him her earlobe or
something.
DALE
That's horrible.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Naw, the earlobe's vestigial.
(off their looks)
All right, how about you trick him
into confessing what he did while
you wear a wire?
KURT
A wire. That's good.
(CONTINUED)
95.
115 CONTINUED: (2) 115
NICK
(TO COCKSUCKER)
Is that how the cops caught you
when you murdered someone?
COCKSUCKER JONES
What the hell are you talking
about? I never murdered anyone.
There's a beat.
NICK
What?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Who told you I killed somebody?
KURT
You did. You said you served a
`dime' for `some pretty ugly
shit.'
COCKSUCKER JONES
It was ugly.
DALE
What was it?
COCKSUCKER JONES
(LEANING IN)
You ever see the movie Snow
Falling on Cedars?
NICK/KURT
No.
DALE
Yes.
COCKSUCKER JONES
I got caught with a video camera
making a bootleg copy of that
movie.
NICK
You did ten years for video
piracy?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Hey, that's a federal offense.
They take that shit serious.
(BEAT)
I also made the mistake of
representing myself at trial. May
have insulted a few of the jurors.
(CONTINUED)
96.
115 CONTINUED: (3) 115
KURT
Hold on. You're telling me we've
been taking murder advice from
someone whose biggest crime was
taping an Ethan Hawke movie?!
COCKSUCKER JONES
So you do know it.
DALE
If you're not a murderer, why do
you carry that gun on your belt?
COCKSUCKER JONES
Gun?
He pulls back his jacket to reveal the holster we saw
earlier.
COCKSUCKER JONES
This is a motherfucking iPhone.
He pulls the phone out and shows them.
NICK
I feel like such a moron.
COCKSUCKER JONES
Well, you are a moron. You don't
walk into a bar and hand a guy
five thousand dollars just because
he's black.
KURT
Come on, guys. Let's get out of
here.
The three of them turn to go.
COCKSUCKER JONES
(calling after them)
Trust me on the wire thing,
though. Worked for Donnie Brasco.
Bootlegged that movie too.
116 EXT. POLICE CRIME LAB - NEXT DAY 116
Hagan and Samson pull up in their car and get out.
117 INT. FORENSICS LAB - MOMENTS LATER 117
The detectives enter to find a CRIME TECH leaning over
his computer.
(CONTINUED)
97.
117 CONTINUED: 117
HAGAN
You got something for us?
CRIME TECH
We didn't find any foreign prints
in the house, but we did get a DNA
match for one of your suspects,
Kurt Gamble.
SAMSON
Where was it?
CRIME TECH
Pellit's upstairs bathroom. His
toothbrush. It had traces of
Gamble's fecal matter.
HAGAN
That sick bastard.
CRIME TECH
That's not all. We found feces on
Pellit's hairbrush, face soap,
floss and razor.
SAMSON
Razor?!
CRIME TECH
The handle. Not the blade. This
Gamble guy put just about
everything in that bathroom up his
ass.
HAGAN
All I care about is that it puts
him inside the house. That's
enough for a warrant for him and
his drag racing, sex offender
friends.
(takes out cell)
I'll call the DA.
118 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - THAT NIGHT 118
Kurt's car pulls up with the lights off and parks.
119 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 119
Kurt is at the wheel, Nick sits shotgun, Dale in back.
(CONTINUED)
98.
119 CONTINUED: 119
KURT
Okay, looks quiet. Is the tape
recorder ready?
Dale pulls out a mini-tape recorder and hands it to Nick
along with a roll of surgical tape.
DALE
Fresh batteries, fresh six-hour
tape, voice activated.
NICK
One of us needs to tape it to our
chest.
KURT
I'll do it. I'm the only one
without hair on my chest.
NICK
That's `cause you shave it.
KURT
I don't shave it. I wax it.
Nick gives Kurt the recorder and Kurt tapes it to his
chest then lowers his shirt.
DALE
So what do we do now? Wait for
Harken to come home and ambush
him?
NICK
I have a better idea. Let's be in
the house when he walks in. He'll
be so mad, he'll be more likely to
confess.
KURT
Right. We'll sit there in the
dark till he comes in, and then
switch on a lamp. That'll freak
him out.
DALE
Hey, we should find an office
chair so one of us can
dramatically spin around and face
Harken.
NICK
I'll be in the chair.
(CONTINUED)
99.
119 CONTINUED: (2) 119
KURT
Why do you get to be the guy in
the chair?
NICK
He's my boss.
DALE
We could try and find more than
one office chair so the three of
us can spin around at the same
time.
KURT
That doesn't sound intimidating.
That sounds like a musical number.
DALE
I guess you're right. I'll turn
on the lamp.
KURT
So I'm just supposed to stand
there like an idiot?
NICK
You're recording it all. You're
the most important member of the
team.
KURT
Don't patronize me, Nick.
120 EXT. HARKEN'S PORCH - MINUTES LATER 120
The guys tiptoe onto the porch, peeking in the windows.
Nick tries the front door... and it swings open. They
look at each other, then quietly head inside.
121 INT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 121
The LIGHTS suddenly come on.
PARTYGOERS
Surprise!
There are 20 or 30 PARTYGOERS in the house which is
decorated for a birthday party. The guys stand
dumbstruck. The revelry peters out as the guests realize
there are three strangers at the door. Mrs. Harken steps
up.
(CONTINUED)
100.
121 CONTINUED: 121
MRS. HARKEN
Who are you?
NICK
Uh... hi... sorry we're late. I'm
Nick. I work with your husband
AND --
MRS. HARKEN
(NOTICING DALE)
Aren't you the young man who
helped Dave on the street the
other day?
DALE
Uh, yes. How's he doing?
MRS. HARKEN
He's fine. Thanks to you.
(then, to Nick)
Did I invite you to this?
Before Nick can answer a GUEST at the window calls out.
GUEST #1
His car just turned the corner!
GUEST #2
Someone get the lights!
As everyone scurries to hide, Kurt finds himself pressed
up against Mrs. Harken, beside the sofa. He checks her
out.
KURT
(shaking her hand)
Hi, we didn't formally meet. I'm
Kurt.
MRS. HARKEN
(DISTRACTED)
Hi.
KURT
Nick didn't tell me that his boss
was married to a model.
MRS. HARKEN
(noticing him now,
FLATTERED)
I'm not a model.
KURT
("SINCERE")
When did you quit?
(CONTINUED)
101.
121 CONTINUED: (2) 121
We see Mrs. Harken is intrigued. Just then, the front
door opens and Harken enters. The lights come on.
PARTYGOERS
Surprise!
A jittery Harken nearly jumps out of his skin as the
crowd starts singing "Happy Birthday." Mrs. Harken takes
Harken's arm.
MRS. HARKEN
Were you surprised?
HARKEN
(RELIEVED)
Oh, yeah.
MRS. HARKEN
Look, everyone's here.
HARKEN
(EVILLY)
Almost everyone.
MRS. HARKEN
Who are you talking about?
HARKEN
I think you know.
(THEN)
I need to put my stuff away. I'll
be right back.
He heads off to his study, leaving his confused wife.
She notices Kurt, standing at the buffet, staring at her.
He smiles and winks. Mrs. Harken gives him a little
wave.
122 ANGLE ON NICK, KURT AND DALE 122
NICK
He's going off alone. This is our
chance.
DALE
You guys ready?
KURT
(still staring at
Mrs. Harken)
So fucking ready.
NICK
Okay, stay close.
(CONTINUED)
102.
122 CONTINUED: 122
KURT
(NOT LISTENING)
Gotcha.
The three of them head toward the study.
123 INT. HARKEN'S STUDY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 123
Just as Nick and Dale enter, Harken looks up and sees
them.
HARKEN
What the hell are you doing here?
(TO DALE)
You come to stab me a few more
times, you lunatic?
(TO NICK)
And my wife invited you? Are you
fucking her too?
Nick tries his best to suppress his nervousness and be
cool and threatening.
NICK
We know what you did, Harken.
HARKEN
What does that mean?
NICK
We were there. We saw you kill
him.
HARKEN
(TURNING DEAD
SERIOUS)
So what is this? A shakedown?
You think you can blackmail me
because you saw me kill my wife's
lover?
Nick winces. So close.
DALE
(BLURTING OUT)
Say his name.
Nick and Harken turn to Dale.
HARKEN
What?
(CONTINUED)
103.
123 CONTINUED: 123
DALE
The guy you killed. What was his
name?
HARKEN
Trust me, Pellit's name doesn't
matter anymore.
NICK
There it is!
(turning to Dale)
Let's go, guys --
He freezes as he sees for the first time that Kurt didn't
accompany them into the study. It's just him and Dale.
Nick looks around, panicked.
HARKEN
Yeah, I killed Pellit --
NICK
Hang on. Hold that thought,
because I want to get my friend,
KURT --
HARKEN
I walked right up to his door and
I shot him in his fucking chest,
and I'll tell you something: I
liked it. So if you think I'm a
pussy who won't do the same exact
thing to some half-assed
blackmailer, guess again.
NICK
(looking back at the
LIVING ROOM)
You know who really thinks you're
a pussy is my friend Kurt. Let me
go grab him and you can tell him
exactly what you just --
HARKEN
You're pathetic, Waters. You come
into my home, on my goddam
birthday and try and pull this
shit? Well, guess what? You're a
dead man. You...
(TO DALE)
... you, and your friend Kurt,
whoever the fuck he is. Dead.
Men.
(CONTINUED)
104.
123 CONTINUED: (2) 123
DALE
(SOFTLY)
We didn't know it was your
birthday.
Harken has crossed to a drawer and taken out a small
safe. He begins turning the combination lock.
NICK
What are you doing? What's in
that?
HARKEN
My gun. Just give me a second.
Nick and Dale exchange a look, then quickly rush out of
the room.
124 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 124
looking thoroughly freaked out, Nick and Dale push their
way through the partygoers.
NICK
We had him! We had the whole
thing. What happened to Kurt?
Just then, the door to a guest bathroom opens and Kurt
emerges, buckling his belt and looking strangely red in
the face.
KURT
Oh, hey.
NICK
`Hey'?! Where were you?!
KURT
Uh, I had to go to the bathroom.
Bad salmon puff. Are we ready to
record Harken?
NICK
You're too late, Kurt! He
confessed the whole damn thing!
DALE
More than once! Then he told us
we were dead men! He's getting
his gun right now!
KURT
Oh, man, I'm so sorry. I fucked
up.
(CONTINUED)
105.
124 CONTINUED: 124
NICK
Yeah, you --
Suddenly, the bathroom door opens again and out steps
Mrs. Harken, also looking disheveled. She adjusts her
dress then rejoins the party.
NICK
(realizing what Kurt
WAS DOING)
You dick!
Overcome with rage, Nick PUNCHES Kurt in the arm then
rushes to the door. Dale and Kurt hurry after him.
125 ANGLE ON HARKEN 125
seeing them go. With a grim look, he calmly heads to the
garage.
126 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 126
Nick sits steaming mad as Kurt drives. Dan fiddles with
the tape recorder in the back.
KURT
Look, I wasn't thinking. She's so
hot and I'm so weak. I'm a weak,
weak man. I admit it.
From the back seat, we hear from the tape recorder:
KURT (V.O.)
In here? But all those people are
right outside.
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
I know. That makes it even
hotter.
We hear unbuckling and unzipping.
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
Your balls are so smooth.
KURT (V.O.)
I wax them.
DALE
Is there anything you don't wax?
Kurt shrugs. We hear some WET, SMACKING SOUNDS.
(CONTINUED)
106.
126 CONTINUED: 126
NICK
Ugh. Turn it off, Dale!
KURT (V.O.)
Oh yeah... oh shit!
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
Whoops. That was fast...
KURT
(QUICKLY)
Yeah, Dale, turn that off!
127 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 127
A short distance behind a car is following Kurt's. As it
comes closer we see it's a Porsche. And it's driven by a
determined-looking Harken.
128 EXT. KURT'S APARTMENT - SHORT TIME LATER 128
Kurt's car turns the corner and stops short.
129 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 129
From the guys' POV we see an unmarked car and a police
squad car parked outside of Kurt's place. Hagan and
Samson stand with two UNIFORMED OFFICERS.
KURT (O.S.)
Holy shit! They must have found
my DNA.
NICK (O.S.)
Turn around! Get us out of here!
130 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 130
Kurt quickly does a U-turn and ZOOMS off in the direction
they came, inadvertently SPEEDING through a red light.
We see a traffic camera FLASH.
131 INSERT - A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPH 131
clearly showing the three guys, their faces distorted
with panic.
107.
132 INT. KURT'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 132
KURT
Okay, it's clear that none of us
can go home again. Probably ever.
DALE
What?!
KURT
I'm sure they have cops at all our
places. I think our best bet is
to get out of the country.
NICK
Where are we going to go?
KURT
Mexico?
DALE
Everyone flees to Mexico. That's
the first place they'll look.
KURT
You're right. What about Asia?
We could become kick boxers.
NICK
What the fuck are you talking
about?
KURT
What if our entire lives have been
leading up to this moment? What
if we were destined from the very
beginning to become Asian kick
boxers?
NICK
What if I was destined to smack
you right in the face?
KURT
That seems like a lesser destiny.
SFX: Dale's cell phone rings.
DALE
(ANSWERING PHONE)
Hello?
INTERCUT WITH:
108.
133 INT. JULIA'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 133
Julia lies in a bubble bath, a glass of wine on the edge
of the tub.
JULIA
Hello, lover.
DALE
Oh God. Look, Julia, I can't talk
right now --
Kurt reacts at hearing it's Julia. He makes an "I'm not
here" gesture.
JULIA
No worries, baby. I actually
meant to call your home phone.
You know, to tell Stacy about us.
DALE
No! Wait!
JULIA
I think I've waited long enough.
I'm tired of you playing with my
emotions.
DALE
I'm not playing. I'm going to do
it. I swear!
JULIA
This Friday. At the office.
DALE
Fine!
JULIA
Wait. What are you going to do to
me?
DALE
I'm going to... have sex with you.
JULIA
Details! And be explicit.
DALE
Right now? You want me to say it?
KURT
Oh, shit. We've got company.
(CONTINUED)
109.
133 CONTINUED: 133
He points out the back window and the guys react as they
see Harken driving directly on their tail.
NICK
It's Harken! Lose him!
KURT
Lose him? Sure, Nick. His 500
horsepower is no match for my 150.
JULIA
(ON PHONE)
Say it!
DALE
(BLURTING OUT)
I'm gonna put my penis in your
pussy!
Despite the danger, Kurt and Nick turn curiously to look
at Dale.
JULIA
Oh, come on, Casanova. You can do
better than that.
DALE
(WITH DIFFICULTY)
I'm gonna make you feel good.
With my tongue... and my fingers.
And whatnot.
Just then, Harken speeds up and SLAMS into the tail of
Kurt's car. Kurt struggles to stay on the road.
NICK
Jesus Christ, this guy's nuts!
JULIA
You going to slap me with your
cock, Dale?
DALE
Yes! Yes! I'm going to beat your
face with my cock!
JULIA
More!
BANG! Harken again HITS Kurt's car from behind. A tail
light shatters.
(CONTINUED)
110.
133 CONTINUED: (2) 133
DALE
(FRANTIC)
I'm gonna put my balls in your
hair! I'm gonna spit on your
arms!
Kurt and Nick exchange a baffled look.
JULIA
See you Friday, you dirty bird.
Julia hangs up. Dale looks like he's been violated.
DALE
Nice job `fucking the crazy out of
her,' Kurt!
KURT
Maybe I should've spit on her
arms.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Good evening, Mr. Gamble.
The three of them JUMP, startled by the sudden voice in
the car with them.
KURT
What the hell?
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
This is Gregory, your On Star rep.
Our on-board sensors report that
you have a damaged tail light.
KURT
Yeah, thanks, Gregory, we know.
We're being chased by a crazy man
and he just smashed into us!
Kurt looks in the rearview mirror and sees Harken is
still behind them. As his car reaches an intersection,
Kurt swerves at the last second and takes a hard left.
Harken overshoots the turn.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Oh dear. I will alert the local
police authorities and direct them
to your location.
NICK
No, wait! Don't call the police!
They're already after us.
(CONTINUED)
111.
133 CONTINUED: (3) 133
DALE
They think we murdered someone.
Suddenly, Kurt's engine dies and the car comes to a
gradual stop.
NICK
Why are you slowing down?!
KURT
I'm not! The engine died!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I have remotely disabled your
engine.
KURT
Why would you do that, Gregory?!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
It's a standard On Star safety
protocol when we believe a driver
has committed a crime.
KURT
I pay nineteen bucks a month for
this fucking service!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Please stay with your vehicle.
The police should arrive shortly.
DALE
I thought you were our friend,
Gregory!
There's a sound of screeching tires and Harken's Porsche
ZOOMS up behind them.
NICK
He's not stopping!
KURT
Oh, shit!
134 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 134
Harken's car PLOWS into the rear of Kurt's, forcing it
into the back of a parked car. Even if the engine was
working, there'd be nowhere to go now.
Dazed from the impact, the guys look back to see Harken
slowly approaching on foot, holding a gun in his hand.
(CONTINUED)
112.
134 CONTINUED: 134
DALE
Shit, shit, shit...
Harken taps on Kurt's window with the barrel of the gun.
Kurt lowers the window.
KURT
I'm guessing you don't want to
EXCHANGE INSURANCE
information -- ?
HARKEN
Out of the car. All of you.
The three guys nervously exit the car and face Harken who
points the gun at them.
NICK
Look, Mr. Harken --
HARKEN
Shut the fuck up! I've got six
bullets in here. So if I want to,
I can shoot each of you twice,
just like I did that bastard,
Pellit. But if I do that, I'll
have to spend the rest of my life
running from the law or rotting in
jail.
Police sirens approaching.
DALE
(NEAR TEARS)
So, you're not gonna shoot us?
HARKEN
No. I have a better idea.
Harken turns the gun toward his own thigh and FIRES.
HARKEN
Unnnnhhhh!
NICK
What the -- ?!
As his leg bleeds, Harken wipes the gun off with his
shirt, then suddenly tosses it to Dale.
HARKEN
Catch.
Startled, Dale catches the pistol with shaking hands.
(CONTINUED)
113.
134 CONTINUED: (2) 134
HARKEN
(THROUGH GRITTED
TEETH)
Now I can tell the cops that when
I discovered you three killed
Pellit, you tried to kill me to
shut me up.
KURT
That's crazy!
Down the street, two squad cars turn the corner and speed
toward them. Dale looks down at the gun in his hand and
drops it.
HARKEN
Is it? Because I don't see a
shred of evidence proving that I
killed Pellit. It's like I've
always told you, Nick. Life is a
marathon and you can't win a
marathon without putting a few
Band-Aids on your nipples.
Nick deflates. The three guys realize Harken's won.
Then, from the car's open window they hear:
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Did I mention that this
conversation is being recorded?
Kurt, Nick and Dale exchange a look of shock and relief.
HARKEN
Who said that?
KURT
(GRINNING)
That's Gregory, our On Star rep.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
(PROUDLY)
My name is Atmanand!
Harken's face falls. He looks around nervously as the
police cars come to a halt.
HARKEN
You can't -- this isn't --
And with that, Harken BOLTS AWAY as fast as his injured
leg will take him. It's not very fast. The guys watch
him for a beat as they share a joyful, exhausted moment
together.
(CONTINUED)
114.
134 CONTINUED: (3) 134
NICK
I think this is gonna work out
okay for us.
KURT
I told you.
DALE
(RE: HARKEN)
Should we stop him?
KURT
Probably.
NICK
I've got this.
(looking to heaven)
This is for you, Gam Gam.
Nick sprints off after his hobbling boss and in SLOW
MOTION, violently TACKLES Harken to the pavement. Harken
goes down hard, his face SLAMMING against the asphalt.
As the COPS hurry toward them, Nick kneels on the back of
Harken's neck, pinning him.
HARKEN
Get the fuck off me!
Kurt steps up and kneels beside the battered figure.
KURT
(GENTLY)
Hey, Harken, one last thing?
HARKEN
(BARKING)
What?!
KURT
Your wife gives great head.
Harken struggles wildly but he's helpless.
CUT TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
135 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MORNING 135
SUPERIMPOSE: ONE WEEK LATER
(CONTINUED)
115.
135 CONTINUED: 135
The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. It's a bright,
new day as Kurt heads into the building.
136 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 136
Kurt enters and looks over at what was Pellit's office.
He smiles when he sees Margie, the pregnant employee, now
running the company. He heads over.
137 INT. MARGIE'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 137
Kurt knocks on the doorframe and enters.
MARGIE
Oh, hey, Kurt. Come in.
KURT
Thanks, Margie. I just wanted to
congratulate you on taking over
Bobby's job.
MARGIE
Thank you. Terrible what happened
to him.
KURT
Yeah. Tough month for the Pellit
family. Anyway, if there's
anything I can do to help out
before the baby gets here, please
let me know.
MARGIE
(CONFUSED)
What baby?
KURT
Your baby.
MARGIE
(beat, offended)
I'm not pregnant.
KURT
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, right. Look at that big
belly.
Kurt pats her belly. Margie now looks genuinely pissed
off.
(CONTINUED)
116.
137 CONTINUED: 137
MARGIE
I'm aware that I have a weight
problem, Kurt. It just happens to
manifest itself in my lower
abdomen.
KURT
I... oh, my God. I'm really
sorry, Margie --
He falls silent under Margie's death stare.
MARGIE
(COLDLY)
Kurt, I know you were a favorite
of Jack's. He was willing to
overlook your inappropriate
behavior with female clients and
service people. But you should be
aware, I'm not Jack. And I have
very little tolerance for the
mistreatment of women. So
consider this your first strike.
KURT
How was I supposed to know you
were just fat --
MARGIE
Strike two.
Kurt opens his mouth to say something but thinks better
of it. He stands up and slumps out. Life as he knew it
at Pellit Chemicals is clearly over.
138 INT. DENTAL EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY 138
Julia enters to find Dale waiting for her. A PATIENT
lies asleep in the chair, his face obscured by the
nitrous mask.
JULIA
Thank God it's Friday, right,
Dale?
DALE
(RESIGNED)
Yeah.
JULIA
Let's drill this patient and then
you can drill me.
(CONTINUED)
117.
138 CONTINUED: 138
DALE
Could we do it on top of the
patient? I like the element of
danger.
JULIA
(IMPRESSED)
You continue to surprise me, you
weird little man.
Julia quickly undoes the patient's belt and yanks his
pants down.
JULIA
(TO DALE)
You like that? This getting you
hot?
DALE
Oh, yeah.
Julia begins handling the patient's implied genitals
which are obscured by a tray of tools.
JULIA
(in a puppet voice)
`I wish I was Dale's weenie so I
could have sex with Julia.'
Suddenly, the patient bursts out LAUGHING and sits up.
JULIA
What the hell?!
The patient pulls off his nitrous mask to reveal it's
KENNY, the guys' former classmate from the bar.
KENNY
(LAUGHING)
Sorry, Dale. I couldn't keep it
together anymore --
JULIA
What is this?
DALE
Julia, meet my old high school
friend, Kenny.
KENNY
How do you do?
(CONTINUED)
118.
138 CONTINUED: (2) 138
DALE
Kenny will do just about anything
for fifty bucks and that's why I
hired him to help me frame you.
Your days of sexually assaulting
me and your patients are over.
JULIA
(LAUGHS DERISIVELY)
Seriously? This is all you've
got? Your word against mine? I'm
a highly respected professional
and you're two losers.
DALE
Three losers.
Dale points to the window where Julia sees COCKSUCKER
JONES outside holding up a video camera. He waves to
her.
JULIA
You little bastard --
DALE
Shut up, Julia. Now, my fiancee
and I are going to take a very
expensive two week vacation which
you're going to pay for. And then
I'm going to come back to a rape-
free workplace. Because if you so
much as look at my ass, I'll have
yours locked up.
With a bounce in his step, Dale strides out of the room.
There's an awkward beat with Kenny and Julia.
KENNY
I don't suppose you could take a
look at this molar --
JULIA
(SCREAMING)
OUT! GET OUT!
Kenny scampers out, pulling up his pants as he goes.
139 INT. NICK'S OFFICE (FORMERLY HARKEN'S) - DAY 139
Nick is in his new office as a young employee, CARTER,
20's, pops his head in.
CARTER
You wanted to see me, Mr. Waters?
(CONTINUED)
119.
139 CONTINUED: 139
NICK
Hi, Carter. Just wanted to check
if you had a chance to finish
those regional sales projections
yet?
CARTER
Oh, I think I may need another
day.
NICK
Okay. I was hoping to give them
to the marketing guys today, but I
can hold them off.
(FRIENDLY)
In the future, it'd be great if
you could tell me if you're going
to miss a deadline.
Carter's eyes narrow. All at once, he rushes at Nick,
grabs him by the throat and HURLS him THROUGH THE PLATE
GLASS WINDOW, shattering it.
140 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS ACTION 140
Nick plummets forty feet and lands with a SICKENING
CRUNCH directly onto his own car. Just behind him we see
a parking plaque that reads "Nick Waters, Senior VP of
Sales."
SMASH CUT TO:
141 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 141
Carter stands opposite Nick as before.
CARTER
Sure. No problem, Mr. Waters.
NICK
Thanks, buddy.
Nick smiles and closes the door behind Carter. He
settles into his comfy chair and puts his feet up on the
desk.
NICK
It's good to be the boss.
CUT TO BLACK.
THE END
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