"HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES"
Written by
R.W. Zombie
Revised 3-31-00
FADE IN:
INT. OLD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
We see a LITTLE GIRL dancing around in a grainy super 8 home
movie. A LITTLE BOY wearing a monster MASK enters the frame.
He struggles to lift a double barrel shotgun. He points it
at the girl and pretends to SHOOT.
GIRL (V.O.)
(whispering slowly)
Once I had a cat, he was the sweetest
little guy. Then one day he got sick
and died. My heart was broken. My
whole body hurt.
She continues dancing. The little boy imitates her.
GIRL (V.O.)
After that, I saw things differently,
everything could be summed up with
three simple words... fuck the world.
The camera swings over to some ugly, toothless relations
watching the show. They laugh.
EXT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
We open on a dark, lonely stretch of two lane blacktop.
Off to the side of the road we see a rundown gas station.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Hey, welcome back to 93.5 WJRC's
Halloween monster weekend. I'm Jimmy
Ray and I'll be bringing you the
oldies, the goldies and sometimes
the moldies. The good, the bad and
the uglies straight from the WJRC
vaults.
A weathered wooden sign proclaims CAPTAIN SPAULDING'S WORLD
OF MONSTERS AND MADMEN, sits atop the building.
A smaller sign below reads FRIED CHICKEN AND GASOLINE.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Hey, kids still trying to decide on
the right costume? Well why not head
on down to Randall's Penny Save
located on Kimball Rd. just off route
1 in Mackin County. Choose from a
wide array of ghosts and ghouls,
jeepers and creepers...
(scary sound effects)
...everything you need for your
Halloween needs.
SHERIFF HUSTON, a tall southern good old boy, leans against
his dusty cruiser smoking a cigarette, pumping gas into his
tank.
INT. CAPT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
Inside is a poorman's Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Bizarre props and treasures of killers and monsters cover
the dirty walls. Wax figures of JACK THE RIPPER stand guard
before oil paintings by JOHN WAYNE GACY.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Alright let's get back to our monster
music marathon with this classic
called The Teddy Bear's Picnic.
Perched on a stool behind the counter sits CAPTAIN SPAULDING,
a crusty looking old man in a filthy clown suit and smeared
make-up. The word LOVE is tattooed across his right knuckles
and HATE is tattooed across the left.
He is reading the newspaper, crunching on crackers from a
paper bag and halfheartedly listening to a small, nerdy man
wearing coke bottle glasses named STUCKY.
Stucky thumbs through a stack of autographed 8x10 photographs.
STUCKY
(speaking through
voicebox in his throat)
I... I got back a stack today. Some
nice shots.
(holds up a picture
of June Wilkinson)
See, a good topless June Wilkinson...
unfortunately she personalized it...
(looking at the photo)
to Stucky, love June.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Hmmmmm.
STUCKY
Shit, this ain't worth nothing now
that my name gotten all over it. I
was a fixin' on trading it to Jackie
Cobb.
CAPT. SPAULDING
The retard over at Molly's fruit
stand.
STUCKY
Yeah, he's all hot on her after he
found some of his dad's old nudie
books hidden in the basement. He
keeps 'em taped inside his school
workbook.
Spaulding brushes cracker crumbs off his paper and continues
reading.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Fascinating.
STUCKY
That kid is one horny retard.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Christ, ain't they all. All them
retards wanna do is fuck and eat.
STUCKY
Well, yeah... I think that if you
knew him... I mean if you'd understand
his urges, shit the guy's like forty
or something.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Worse than a fucking rabid baboon.
STUCKY
Yeah, I guess, you know next to
wacking his weasel his other favorite
thing is twisting sharpened pencils
in the corner of his eyes.
CAPT. SPAULDING
What?
STUCKY
Yeah, doesn't hurt himself, just
spins it around next to his eyeball.
CAPT. SPAULDING
I'm sure that ain't the only place
he's sticking those pencils.
STUCKY
Naw, he don't do anything else with
'em, but he did get caught once with
a Planet of the Apes doll hanging
out his asshole.
CAPT. SPAULDING
(laughing)
Goddamn.
STUCKY
Had to take him to the hospital. Kid
had Dr. Zaius stuck half way up his
butt, couldn't get it out.
CAPT. SPAULDING
I always loved that mute broad that
Chuck Heston was shacking up with.
STUCKY
Nova, yeah she looked pretty sweet.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Yeah, now there's the perfect woman.
STUCKY
Can I get some stamps off ya?
(slapping down his
money)
Did you fix the toilet yet?
Opens a drawer and tears off five stamps.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Yes, I did... so don't you go stuffin'
any goddamn paper towels down that
hole. I just snaked the shit out of
that thing.
Spaulding SLIDES the KEY attached to a cow skull across the
counter. Stucky grabs it. Spaulding hangs on.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Ya hear me? You bust that crapper
and I'll beat your ass.
STUCKY
I hear ya.
He lets go of the key.
EXT. CAPT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
From a STRANGER'S POV we watch through the window, Stucky
EXIT for the restroom.
Sheriff Huston finishes pumping his gas, gets in his cruiser
and drives off.
KARL (O.S.)
All clear. Let's go shopping.
RICH (O.S.)
Right.
From this POV we RACE across the highway towards the front
door of the MUSEUM.
SLAM! We BURST through the door.
INT. SPAULDING'S - SAME
The moment of impact. BOOM. The door SMASHES open.
Spaulding's head JERKS up to see: a masked gunman, KARL,
wearing a LEATHER S+M MASK.
Behind him stands a second gunman, RICH, wearing a rubber
CAVEMAN MASK.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Mary fucking Moses. Get the fuck out
of here.
KARL
Hold it, clowney. Keep your paws
where I can see 'em.
RICH
Yeah, don't move or I'll blast a
hole the size of a Kansas City melon
through your ugly-ass Bozo face.
Spaulding obeys and raises his hands.
KARL
Go get that other asshole out of the
shitter and drag his ass back in
here.
RICH
Right.
Rich exits.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Miserable little cunts with guns. I
ought to jump right over this counter
and bash your fucking balls in.
Killer Karl steps up and puts his gun against Spaulding's
face.
KARL
Alright Tippy, hand over the cash
box and I might leave your brains
inside your skull.
Spaulding smiles wide, his teeth are yellow and rotted.
CLOSE UP
Spaulding's foot kicks a red switch, triggering a silent
alarm.
CAPT. SPAULDING
That's what you bitches need. A
reality check courtesy of my boot in
your ass. That'll be a fucking cash
box you can cry to mamma about.
INT. SPAULDING'S - BACKROOM - NIGHT
A silent RED LIGHT FLASHES. In the dim glow, we see RAVELLI,
a large hunched figure, sitting on the edge of a bed. The
figure is heavily bandaged.
Ravelli reacts to the flashing light, he RISES and puts a
huge mask over his head. He EXITS the room.
INT. BATHROOM STALL - NIGHT
Stucky sits on the toilet pasting stamps on large yellow
envelopes.
Killer Rich KICKS OPEN the stall, GRABS Stucky by the neck
and PULLS him out.
RICH
Come on, fatboy!
EXT. CAPT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
We move around the outside of the building watching the scene
inside unfold. HEAVY BREATHING is heard.
Rich DRAGS Stucky into the main room.
INT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
Karl grows increasingly HOSTILE, knocks a candy display over,
raises his gun over his head and fires into the ceiling.
KARL
(screaming)
That's it. I'm gonna count to ten
and you're gonna hand over the cash
or I'm gonna splatter your grease
paint mug across the stateline...
one.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Fuck your mother.
KARL
Two.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Fuck your sister.
RICH
Come on, man. Just shoot him.
STUCKY
(recognizing Rich's
voice)
Hey, I know you. We were in high
school together. Wood shop, right?
...Richard Wick... right?
He looks nervously at Stucky.
RICH
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
KARL
Quiet down... three.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Fuck your grandmother.
STUCKY
Yeah, I remember Mr. Alacard the
shop teacher use'ta call you Little
Dick Wick. Hey, wasn't there a song
we made up to go with that?
RICH
(temper rising)
Shut up!
STUCKY
(singing)
Little Dick Wick, play with his prick
Don't his smell, just make you sick.
EXT. CAPT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
From Ravelli's POV we watch through the window, as everybody
inside starts SHOUTING at each other.
Suddenly, Rich SHOOTS Stucky. Stucky FALLS BACKWARDS against
the wall, screaming in pain.
We move QUICKLY towards the entrance.
INT. CAPT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
Suddenly... CRASH! Ravelli SMASHES through the front door
knocking Karl to the ground. In the light we see that Ravelli
is wearing an OVERSIZED CLOWN HEAD. In his hand is a
sledgehammer.
Rich TURNS toward the COMMOTION. The Captain quickly WHIPS
OUT a GUN and FIRES. Rich falls dead.
Ravelli lunges at Karl, smashing him over the head with the
hammer. Ravelli's clown head comes loose and falls to the
floor. We now see that Ravelli is a bald pitbull of a man
with badly scarred skin that is painted white and red.
Karl hits the floor and begins CONVULSING violently.
Spaulding STEPS DOWN from behind the counter, puts his foot
on Karl's throat and points his pistol at Karl's head.
CAPT. SPAULDING
And most of all... fuck you!
BOOM! Spaulding SHOOTS Karl in the head.
The screen EXPLODES RED, then TURNS BLACK.
CAPT. SPAULDING (V.O.)
God damn it, that motherfucker got
blood all over my best clown suit.
CREDITS ROLL
Strange paintings of demons, monsters and bizarre creatures
fade up and move across the screen.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT
We see a BILLBOARD painted on the side of an ABANDONED TRUCK.
The sign reads GOD IS DEAD.
We turn to face the road as a car drives by.
JERRY
Alright then, out of all of Charlie's
chicks who do you think is the
hottest?
INT. CAR - FRONT SEAT - NIGHT
Fast food wrappers and road maps clutter the car's dashboard,
a swinging monkey head dangles from the rear-view mirror.
Behind the wheel, the driver, BILL HUDLEY, 29, downs the
last sip of coffee before crumpling the paper cup and placing
it among the other trash before him.
BILL
I guess if I had to choose I'd say...
mmmmmm... Sandra Good. She seemed
like a nice girl, I mean in a psycho
kind of way.
Beside him rides, JERRY GILMORE, 30, slumped down in his
seat, reading a magazine with a flashlight, feet hanging out
the window.
JERRY
Really? Huh, I thought for sure you'd
say Lynette Fromme. She's got that
snooty vibe I know you dig.
BILL
Sqeaky! No way, she ain't that hot.
JERRY
She's pretty cute.
BILL
Yeah but, she reminds me of this
chick that I remember from fourth
grade... called a... shit, what did
we call her?
(thinks for second)
Oh yeah, Patty Pee-pee Pants... when
ever she got called on by Miss
Chumski, this chick would piss in
her pants and start bawling.
JERRY
(laughing)
There always one kid with no bodily
controls. We had this dude, Jeff
Baxter, he was a puker. The fucker
would just sit there puke all over
himself.
BILL
Better than pissing... anyway so,
what's your choice?
JERRY
If we're talking cute... like regular
cute, I'd say Leslie Van Houton, but
cute ain't hot.
BILL
Yeah, no shit.
JERRY
As far a hot... goes I gotta go
with... Ruth Ann Moorehouse.
BILL
Oh yeah, I forgot about her. She was
pretty hot.
JERRY
Fuck yeah, she is. I'd join a cult
to get some of that... and the best
part is she didn't try to kill the
President or nothing, so that baggage
ain't hanging around.
BILL
I thought she tried to murder a
witness for the prosecution.
JERRY
I'll let it slide, she was only
seventeen.
BILL
Dude, talk about baggage, that ain't
no carry-on shit, that's some heavy
duty Samsonite shit.
JERRY
Yeah, I guess... hot chicks are always
nuts.
BILL
Hot has got nothing to do with it.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT
A LONE FIGURE in a cheap skull mask and white robe stands
hidden behind a billboard off to the side of the road. Bill's
car drives past.
BILL
(yawning)
Hold on, I've heard this before...
but I can't remember the end.
JERRY
So, the guy goes to Hell and the
devil says, "do you smoke?" The guy
say, "yeah"... the devil say, "great
cause Tuesday is cigar night, sweetest
Cuban cigars you ever had."
BILL
Shit, we really need to find some
gas.
JERRY
(not listening)
Then the devil asks, "do you drink?"
Guy says, "yeah"... devil say,
"wonderful, Wednesday is free drinks
night, best booze you ever had...
all made from the finest stuff."
BILL
Yeah.
JERRY
Then the devil says, "are you gay?"
Guy says, "fuck no"... Devil says,
"Well then, I guess you're gonna
hate Thursdays."
BILL
Oh yeah, I remember now.
JERRY
Yeah, no shit I just told ya.
(looking at magazine)
Hey, you think this place called
Alien Ed's UFO Welcoming Center is
still around? It says, "Where the
Fact is separated from the Fantasy."
BILL
I dunno... we'll ask around as we
get closer. Man, I really don't want
to run out of gas out here in the
middle of Petticoat Junction, man.
JERRY
(sitting up)
Don't panic yourself, way too much
caffeine guy... I see a sign.
(reading the sign)
Captain Spaulding's Museum of Madmen
and Monsters... cool. Also... fried
chicken and... gasoline... next exit.
BILL
Perfect.
JERRY
I hope this place is cool. We could
use something interesting to liven
up chapter 12.
The car drives past. We turn and hold on the billboard. We
see the happy smiling face of a young Captain Spaulding.
EXT. CAPTAIN SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
The car pulls up to one of the gas pumps. Bill and Jerry get
out. Inside we see Spaulding, now in army pants and a hunting
jacket, mopping the floor.
BILL
I'll pump the gas. Go inside and see
if it's worth thinking about.
JERRY
(salutes)
OK, Boss.
Jerry walks inside and immediately comes back out.
JERRY
Holy crap. You gotta see this place.
It's awesome.
BILL
How awesome?
JERRY
Really fucking awesome.
BILL
Wake up the chicks and bust out the
camera awesome?
JERRY
Hell yeah.
Jerry sticks his head back inside the car.
JERRY
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
INT. CAR - BACK SEAT - NIGHT
A dark haired girl, DENISE WILLIS, 27, sleeps curled up under
a blanket.
JERRY
Come on, babe. Me and Bill found a
kick ass place.
She opens her eyes.
DENISE
Huh?
JERRY
Grab Mary and come inside.
Denise shakes a lump of jackets and sweaters lying next to
her. She removes a sweater from the top of the pile to REVEAL
the face of MARY KNOWLES, 29.
DENISE
Come on sleeping beauty, time to go
to work.
MARY
(half asleep)
Sleeping.
DENISE
Rise and shine.
MARY
(groggy)
No please, let me sit this one out.
DENISE
(removing the blanket)
Let's go. You're the one who wanted
to be a photographer.
MARY
I resign.
DENISE
Too late. You're in for life, let's
move it out Private Shutterbug.
MARY
(opening her eyes)
Christ, I hope this isn't more crappy
folk art. It's so quaint... it's so
primal... it's so crap.
DENISE
Aw, it ain't crap... it's... cute.
(sarcastic)
...and really who are we to judge
the artistic merit of the tin-can
Mona Lisa?
MARY
Aw, shit...
(exhales deeply)
I gotta pee anyway.
INTERLUDE
Grainy super 8 footage shows us an OLD MAN standing in front
of a small shack. His name is Lewis Dover. The shack is
painted white and covered with SIMPLISTIC RELIGIOUS WRITINGS.
LEWIS
I ain't no rich man, but I see the
truth. You do not have to go to Hell.
You are in Hell. This is Hell. All
American Hell.
(holds up a gun)
...true heaven in my hands... I'm
gonna blow Satan back through the
door to Hell.
Surrounding the shack are strange sculptures of various half-
human/half-animal creations.
INT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
Spaulding swabs up the last remains of blood from the floor,
he drops the mop into a bucket filled with water and blood.
Bill pays no attention, he is distracted by a strange object
in a glass case over the counter. In the case is a shriveled
up looking half human and half fish figure. It is the size
of a small child. A banner above reads:
AQUALINA - THE MERMAID.
BILL
How long have you been running this
place?
CAPT. SPAULDING
How long is a piece of string? Too
God damn long, that's how long.
Spaulding slides the mop and bucket behind the counter.
BILL
No, really.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Shit, I don't remember exactly. I
took over for my Pa just after the
Duke nabbed the Oscar.
BILL
The Duke?
CAPT. SPAULDING
Yeah, my Pa wasn't right in the head
after that.
BILL
You mean John Wayne?
CAPT. SPAULDING
Hell, boy there some other Duke you
know about?
(rolls up his sleeve
to reveal a John
Wayne tattoo)
A great American.
BILL
Yeah, I was never that big of a
western fan. I like science fiction.
CAPT. SPAULDING
I figured that much. Why the fuck
you asking so many jackass questions
for?
BILL
You see me and my friends are writing
a book on offbeat roadside
attractions. You know all the crazy
shit you see when you drive cross
country.
CAPT. SPAULDING
I don't drive cross country.
BILL
But if you did.
CAPT. SPAULDING
I don't.
BILL
But suppose for a second you did.
CAPT. SPAULDING
(fake hick accent)
Y'all find us country people real
funny like don't ya... well, God
damn pack up the mule and sling me
some grits, I'ze a gotta get me some
schooling.
BILL
No, no I think it's really
interesting.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Well fuck me Side Sally, who want to
read about all that horse shit anyway.
Jerry OVERHEARS Bill's and Spaulding's conversation and joins
in to help.
JERRY
You'd be surprised. Would it be OK
if we took some pictures and included
this place in our book?
CAPT. SPAULDING
Hey, knock yourself silly.
JERRY
You got some really rare stuff here...
(pointing to Aqualina)
...dig your Feegee mermaid.
INT. SPAULDING'S - RESTROOM - NIGHT
The restroom is gray, dingy, a single exposed light bulb
hangs from the ceiling. The peeling walls are plastered with
newspaper clippings and faded photos.
Mary is in the stall, sitting on the toilet, staring straight
ahead at a poster of RHONDO HATTON, a B-MOVIE ACTOR that
suffered from acromegalia.
Denise standing at a tiny sink, splashes water on her face.
She looks at herself in the mirror.
DENISE
(water running down
her face)
I swear I've aged five years since
this trip started.
MARY
Tell me about it.
DENISE
(takes a paper towel
and wipes her face)
God, I hate falling asleep in the
afternoon. Now I'll be up all night...
(stretches)
...ugh, my back is killing me.
MARY
Yeah, hey how far do you think we
are from your Dad's?
Mary flushes the toilet and exits the stall.
DENISE
I don't know. Couple hours I think.
I've got to call him.
Mary washes her hands. Denise ties up her hair.
MARY
It will be nice to have a few days
off to regenerate. This trip is fun,
but it's starting to get brutal.
DENISE
Yeah, I hit burn out mode back at
that old stripper lady's place.
Watching her dance around with those
ratty-looking animals was ridiculous.
MARY
I know, that was some crazy shit. I
never in a million years would have
believed it if I hadn't seen it.
DENISE
A decent meal every once in a while
wouldn't hurt either, this road food
is crap.
MARY
If I never eat at another Waffle
House again, I can die a happy girl.
DENISE
Scattered, smothered and covered.
MARY
Exactly... well, I guess a couple
more photos won't kill me.
INT. SPAULDING'S - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT
Jerry knees over a box of magazines labeled TRUE CRIME $1.00,
he flips through an issue, tosses it back.
Bill leans against the wall next to him, sipping a hot cup
of coffee.
The girls return from the bathroom. Jerry jumps up with
excitement.
JERRY
Great, you're back. Let's go. We
already paid for the tickets.
DENISE
Tickets for what?
JERRY
This isn't everything. Get ready for
this... there's a Museum of Murder
and Mayhem.
DENISE
I don't want to see that.
MARY
How about if we skip it and just
hang out here. I can get some great
shots of this stuff.
Jerry PULLS Denise over and puts his arm around her.
JERRY
Aw, come on. It will be fun.
DENISE
Oh yeah, murder museum... sounds
fun.
Bill grabs Mary by the hand and kisses it.
BILL
(smiling)
We'll need pictures of the inside
too.
MARY
Alright, alright. I know... I wanted
to be the photographer.
Bill and Mary kiss.
Spaulding waits, unamused. He rolls his eyes.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Anytime this year, people. Alright
line your asses up in front of the
black door. The tour is about to
begin.
Spaulding disappears through a curtain behind the counter.
The kids wait.
The black metal door CREAKS open.
They enter the darkened room.
INT. SPAULDING'S - MUSEUM - NIGHT
Darkness. A blue light comes on. Spaulding is standing on a
MOTORIZED PLATFORM. He begins the tour, speaking through a
small megaphone.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Ladies and gentlemen, you are about
to enter a world of darkness. A world
where life and death are meaningless
and pain is God.
(pointing with a cane)
To your left you see the infamous
Albert Fish.
A lifeless wax figure POPS forward with a loud metal CLANG.
Mary jumps back with fright.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Sadist, masochist, child killer and
most of all importantly cannibal.
Born in 1870, Mr. Fish enjoyed burning
himself with hot pokers, spankings
with nail-studded paddles and
embedding needles in his groin. On
the right, notice the X-ray...
CLOSE UP - X-RAY
CAPT. SPAULDING
...showing clearly 29 sewing needles
inserted in to his groin. Mr. Fish
was executed in 1936 at the age of
65.
Spaulding rolls backwards and continues the tour.
CLOSE UP ON: a dummy face of a grizzly looking old man in
hunting attire.
CAPT. SPAULDING
To your right. One of our most popular
crazies, the psycho of Plainfield,
Ed Gein.
Behind the figure of Gein hangs an inverted corpse of a slain
woman.
Mary recoils in disgust.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Murderer, cannibal and momma's little
bitch boy. Mr. Gein found special
pleasure in playing with the dead
bodies of women, especially their
sexual organs. He was quite a handy
little dandy, fashioning lamp shades,
jewelry and human skin suits from
his victims. Mr. Gein was discovered
when the decapitated body of Bernice
Worden was found gutted like a deer,
hanging in his barn.
DISSOLVE TO:
A wax figure of a young man in doctor's scrubs. He is covered
in blood.
CAPT. SPAULDING
And now I would like to introduce a
local hero, S. Quentin Quale, a.k.a.
The Butcher Boy, a.k.a. Nurse Nellie
and most famously a.k.a. Dr. Satan.
Another wax figure, of a bloody corpse, JUMPS up.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Murderer, torturer and most of all
master surgeon. Mr. Quale an intern
at Willows State Mental Hospital,
nicknamed Weeping Willows for its
neverending cries of pain, took great
pleasure in control. Through primitive
brain surgery. Mr. Quale believed he
could create a race of superhumans
from the mentally ill, or so the
story goes. His terrifying experiments
continued until 1952.
Jerry stares fascinated.
CAPT. SPAULDING
At which time he was discovered and
turned over to authorities for
observation. Unfortunately, Mr. Quale
was abducted from his cell by members
of the victims' families. Vigilante
justice prevailed and Dr. Satan was
taken out and hanged. The next day
his body was found to be missing.
Some say he survived, rescued by his
loyal slaves, others say they hung
the wrong man... To this day no sign
of Dr. Satan has ever been discovered.
But who knows? Maybe he lives next
door to you.
KLUNK: A big metal door opens to the outside world.
CAPT. SPAULDING
Please exit through the door.
The kids exit. SLAM! The door shuts.
EXT. SPAULDING'S - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
Denise leans against the glass walls of the phone booth.
Various flyers are taped to the inside: free kittens, phone
sex ads and a missing poster for a girl named KAREN MURPHY.
A light rain begins to fall.
Denise puts some change in the phone and dials a number.
EXT. WILLIS HOUSE - NIGHT
The camera moves down a quaint quiet little street. We come
to rest at a modest two-story house. The house is decorated
for Halloween.
Parents and their children roam from house to house, trick
or treating.
We hear the sound of a phone ringing.
INT. WILLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A grey haired man sits at a small table eating a ham sandwich
and drinking a beer. This is DONALD WILLIS, Denise's father.
He stands up and walks to the phone hanging on the wall.
MR. WILLIS
Hello...
(brightens up)
...hey Denise... what, what's wrong,
did you break down?
EXT. SPAULDING'S - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DENISE
No, nothing like that... yeah, we're
gonna be a little late. We stopped
for gas at this place called Capt.
Spaulding's outside of Ruggsville
and it turned into a whole thing, so
we're kind of behind schedule.
INT. WILLIS HOUSE - NIGHT
MR. WILLIS
Oh yeah, yeah I've driven by that
place before. I seem to remember a
crabby old bastard in a crummy clown
suit running the place.
INT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DENISE
Yeah, well he's still here. I think
him and Jerry are fast becoming
buddies, you know Jerry... yeah,
he's gotta see everything... yeah, I
know... thinks there's some unsolved
mystery around every corner.
INT. WILLIS HOUSE - NIGHT
MR. WILLIS
Well, don't take too long, the kids
are already knocking down the door
demanding their sugar fix... I know,
I know I forgot to mention that
Halloween falls on a school night,
so they're trick or treating
tonight... I got the joint decked
out this year, built a graveyard in
the front yard like when you were a
kid.
EXT. SPAULDING'S - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DENISE
Hopefully I can move things along
here and make up the lost time by
speeding all the way home... yes,
Dad I'm kidding.
INT. WILLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
MR. WILLIS
Well, just promise me you'll be
careful... alright, alright see ya
soon... good-bye.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Bill, Jerry and Mary wait for Denise.
JERRY
I'm gonna go ask him.
MARY
Aw, come on Jerry. We've gotten all
we're gonna get out of this place
and its starting to rain.
JERRY
Shit, it is only sprinkling and it's
worth the trouble. Hold on for two
seconds.
Jerry goes back inside.
INT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
Jerry knocks on the glass as he passes. Denise waves as he
walks by.
DENISE
Yeah so... OK, expect us more around
eleven or so. OK yeah, I will...
love you, too, bye.
She hangs up the phone, opens the doors and heads back to
the car.
INT. SPAULDING'S - NIGHT
JERRY
I know it's hard to understand, but
I really want to see this tree.
CAPT. SPAULDING
OK, alright I'll draw you a map, but
I still say it is a waste of time.
JERRY
Great.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Through the window we see Jerry talking to Spaulding.
Spaulding draws a map, explaining as he draws.
MARY
Geez, he never gets tired does he.
DENISE
Never. I swear to God he never sleeps,
he goes to bed after me, wakes up
before me. He's always working on
10.
MARY
Maybe he's a cyborg.
BILL
(wearily, sips his
coffee)
I like sleep.
DENISE
Here he comes.
Jerry comes bouncing out towards the car and jumps in.
He is holding a map and a box of chicken.
JERRY
We hit the jackpot! Let's roll, good
buddy. We got ourselves a convoy.
MARY
Huh?
DENISE
Ugh, what's that smell?
JERRY
Fried chicken.
(holds up a drumstick)
Anybody want some?
No one responds.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
An OLD FARMER and his WIFE stare directly into the camera.
OLD MAN
I don't know where that skunk ape
sleeps. Maybe in the trees and all...
all I know is he eats squirrels to
survive and he had impure relations
with my wife.
WIFE
That's true. He performed lurid acts
upon me and my person while my husband
Russell was a fix'n to our hound
Clarence.
OLD MAN
If I see that thing again... I'm a
gonna kill that skunk ape.
BILL
(off screen)
What does it look like?
WIFE
It looked just like that chubby fella
from McHale's Navy... Ernie Borgnine.
OLD MAN
Hold up the picture.
The wife holds up a pencil sketch of a Bigfoot like creature
and a newspaper photo of Ernest Borgnine.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT
Bill's car moves past empty farmlands. A HEAVIER RAIN is now
falling.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Jerry directs Bill from Spaulding's hand-drawn map.
JERRY
Keep straight on this road here.
BILL
How much further?
JERRY
I'm not exactly sure... it looks
close. Did we pass an abandoned school
bus yet?
BILL
I don't know.
Mary and Denise sit bundled up in blankets.
MARY
Let's just skip it. It is probably
nothing anyway.
DENISE
Aw Christ, Jerry. We can't see
anything now, it's too dark. Let's
forget it.
JERRY
Come on, we need something like this.
It could be the real deal. It's too
far out of the way to come back to.
BILL
What's that?
Through the windshield we see a LONE FIGURE hitch-hiking by
the side of the road. It is a girl, BABY, 27, in a worn cowboy
hat and long fur coat. She is soaked to the bone.
JERRY
It's a hitchhiker.
BILL
Way out here?
MARY
Well, don't even think about playing
the good samaritan, there's way too
many psychos wandering loose these
days.
BILL
(looking closer)
It's a girl.
JERRY
Hey, maybe she knows where this is?
DENISE
(sarcastically)
That seems likely.
MARY
Should we stop?
BILL
We can't leave her out here in the
rain... maybe we can just drop her
at the next rest area.
MARY
She looks like a freak.
DENISE
Stick her in the front, if you want
to pick her up so bad. She's soaked.
MARY
She looks like she stinks.
BILL
(imitating Mary)
She looks like she stinks.
JERRY
(makes cat noises)
Cat fight, cat fight.
DENISE
Hardy har, har.
The car pulls over and Baby jumps in. The car moves off.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Once inside the car they see that the girl is a bit odd.
BABY
Whoa, thanks for stopping. I been
standing out there in that toad
strangling rain for like a hundred
million years.
JERRY
Really, that's a long time.
BABY
Yeah, most people just whiz on by
like I was invisible or something...
or else they're creeps who wanna jam
their slimy hands down my pants and
twiddle my naughty-naughty.
JERRY
Yikes.
BABY
Yeah, icky. This one guy stops and I
look in and he's got his thing out
waving it around like a drunk monkey.
DENISE
Well, hitchhiking ain't the safest
way for a girl to travel.
BABY
Yeah, but it's fun.
MARY
Sounds like a magical trip through
the heartland.
BILL
Where ya headed?
BABY
Aw, I was going home to my Mamma's
house... yeah, I was out doing this
thing.
BILL
Where's that?
BABY
Couple more miles up this road.
JERRY
Hey, you might know...
(shows her the map)
...you know where this tree is at?
It's an old hanging tree from...
The Baby PERKS UP at the mention of the tree.
BABY
Yeah, I know where that is, it's
right by my house. It's Dr. Satan's
tree. I can show ya.
JERRY
Really, wow, so it's really a real
thing.
BABY
Yeah, it's a tree. I used to play
there all the time. But, you can't
find it without me. Outsider can't
find no deadwood.
JERRY
Deadwood, is that what it's called?
Cool, will you show us?
BABY
Maybe, maybe, maybe... hey, you know
what word I hate?
JERRY
What?
BABY
Cone.
JERRY
Huh... what cone?
BABY
Any cone, yeah...
(looking out the window)
I hate that word... sounds ugly, I
don't like crumple either.
JERRY
I always hate saying the word cheese,
every time you get your picture
taken... smile, say cheese.
BABY
I know I hate Swiss cheese, the holes
make me nervous.
BILL
What about the tree?
BABY
Oh yeah, the tree.
MARY
This is crazy. She don't know nothing.
Baby turns her attention toward Mary.
BABY
Oh, I know. I'll show you where it's
at, sweetie. Aren't you just so cute
all bundled up like a cinnamon roll
of Christmas love.
JERRY
Cool.
BILL
Which way?
BABY
Go straight up about another mile...
til we hit Cherrypicker Road and
turn right... it ain't far from there.
INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL
The camera FLOATS through the hallways of the Peabody Mental
Institution. It is HALLOWEEN.
PATIENTS wander the stark halls dressed in hospital gowns
and cheap plastic masks. Some are laughing, some are
screaming.
We move into a private room. Where we see DOCTOR SATAN
completely covered except for his eyes, hovering over a BOUND
AND GAGGED PATIENT.
We move off the doctor to a crayon child's DRAWING of a JACK-
O'-LANTERN. Tortured screams fill the room.
EXT. CHERRYPICKER RD. - WOODS - NIGHT
From a STRANGER'S POV we see the car STRUGGLING down a dirt
road.
INT. CAR - SAME
Everyone rides in silence, music plays on the radio.
The song ends and a NEWS REPORTER comes on.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
This is WJRC News at the top of the
hour... Investigators in Clairemont
County are no closer to identifying
the body of a young woman found
crucified to the doors of St. Mary's
Church yesterday morning.
Baby lights up a cigarette and takes a drag.
MARY
Excuse me, could you not smoke in
here?
Baby puts out the cigarette on the back of her hand.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
Local police and State Officials
have released this report...
JERRY
What's that?
BILL
I don't know. Looks like some kind
of animal.
Bill stops the car.
EXT. CHERRYPICKER RD. - WOODS - NIGHT
Sitting dead center in the middle of the road is a HUMONGOUS
DOG. The dog stares straight ahead. Long strands of drool
hang from its mouth to the ground.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
MARY
Why are we stopping?
BILL
There's a dog in the road.
DENISE
Honk at him. Scare him.
BILL
(honking horn)
He won't move.
MARY
Go around him.
BILL
There's not enough room.
MARY
Then run him over, he'll move.
BABY
No! He's one of God's creatures, he
can't help it if he's dumb... I'm
just crazy about animals.
MARY
(to Denise)
The animals have got nothing to do
with it.
EXT. STRANGER'S POV - SAME
A gun barrel is raised and we are looking through the sight
at the car. Pop! Pop! Pop! The GUN fires THREE SHOTS at the
car's rear tire.
The stranger whistles and the dog moves to the side of the
road.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
The SOUND of the heavy rain MASKS the gunshots.
BILL
Hey, he moved.
MARY
Let's get going before that thing
tries to eat the car or something.
As the car moves past, Denise stares at the dog sitting calmly
to the side of the road. The dog blankly stares back at her.
JERRY
That reminds me of a film I saw once
of a guy who got out of his car at
Lion Country Safari to take a picture
of a lion cub and got eaten by the
lions.
BILL
Oh yeah, I heard about that. I always
thought it was bullshit.
JERRY
No... yeah, they ripped him to pieces
while his family watched from the
car. The wife is screaming, the kids
are crying. Some dude in another car
filmed the whole thing.
BABY
I'd like to see that.
MARY
Nice.
JERRY
The lions were totally covered in
this guy's blood... I think they ate
his face off, tore open his rib cage,
pulled his legs off... it was a wild
scene.
BABY
Things like that get a lot bloodier
than ya think.
Without warning the car lunges to one side.
JERRY
What was that?
BILL
Fuck. I think we blew a tire.
MARY
Don't even say it.
DENISE
You got to be fucking joking.
MARY
God damn it, I knew this witch-hunt
was fucking bullshit.
BILL
OK, let's relax. I'll check it, maybe
I'm wrong. Don't everybody freak out
just yet.
JERRY
I'll help ya.
BILL
(sarcastic)
Gee, ya think it wouldn't be too
much trouble.
EXT. CHERRYPICKER ROAD - WOODS - NIGHT
Bill and Jerry stare down at the blown tire sunk in the mud.
BILL
I hope you fixed the spare like I
asked ya.
JERRY
Yeah, I fixed it. Well, I ain't...
um, I can't remember. I think I took
it out to fit the bags and forgot to
put it back.
BILL
Jesus Christ, Jerry.
JERRY
Well, technically I did what ya said.
BILL
You're a real fucking piece of work.
Bill stares at Jerry in disbelief.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Baby is leaning on her chin staring at Mary and Denise. The
car radio plays in the background.
MARY
Can I help you with something?
BABY
I was just wondering.
MARY
Wondering what?
BABY
Are you two gals all funny with each
other?
MARY
What?
BABY
You know... a couple of queers.
MARY
Do you believe this fucking girl?
BABY
(turning her attention
to Mary)
I was just wondering, cause you got
a pissy look about you... like a
real pussy licking bitch.
Denise tries to QUICKLY defuse the situation.
DENISE
No. No pussy licking here, but thanks
for your concern.
Bill and Jerry slide back into the car.
BILL
Well, I got some bad news and some
bad news.
MARY
What?
JERRY
(fake Scottish accent)
Tire's fucking gone crap on us, man.
There's no saving it now.
BILL
And the spare is safely sitting in
Jerry's garage.
DENISE
For fucking sake Jerry, what the
fuck are we gonna do?
Baby starts laughing.
MARY
What the hell are you laughing about?
BABY
I just pictured the tire sitting in
a chair watching TV.
MARY
Oh, wonderful.
(muttering to herself)
Fucking psycho.
BILL
I guess I'll try to back it out on
the rim... at least to the main road.
BABY
If you keep going straight you can
get back on the interstate... it's
easier.
MARY
Just back up.
JERRY
I think we should go straight. I
mean we know for a fact there ain't
nothing back that way, right?
BABY
Oh wait! I love this song!
Baby reaches over and TURNS UP the VOLUME. She loudly sings
along with the song.
BILL
Fine. I'll go straight.
MARY
What!
BILL
(over the loud music)
Fine! I'll go straight!
The car moves forward. After about fifty yards the car HITS
something hard and gets stuck in a deep mud bog.
BILL
Fuck! We are fucked!
DENISE
Turn that fucking radio off!
Bill shuts off the radio.
DENISE
Now what are we gonna do?
BABY
We can walk to my house from here.
My brother's got a tow truck, he can
come get your car.
A silence falls over the car.
MARY
I think I'm going fucking crazy.
DENISE
I can't believe...
BILL
OK, whatever. Let's go get your
brother's truck. Faster we get the
truck, faster we get out of here.
BABY
OK.
JERRY
I'll go. It's my fault.
MARY
You said it, not me.
BILL
Forget it. I'll just go.
MARY
Screw that, no way, I ain't letting
you go by yourself.
BILL
Don't worry, I'll be quick. Just
stay here, no sense everybody getting
drenched.
JERRY
I agree.
BABY
Yeah, it won't take long and besides
you sassy poodle girls will slow us
down.
Baby jumps up and gets out of the car.
BILL
Don't worry, I'll be right back.
BABY
Come on.
JERRY
Don't forget the flashlight, it's
pretty dark out there.
BILL
Thanks.
JERRY
No problem.
Bill kisses Mary good-bye and EXITS.
Mary watches Baby and Bill head off into the WOODS. Baby
turns and makes a kissy face at Mary.
EXT. MISS BUNNY'S HOLLYWOOD REVUE - DAY
A hand painted tin sign surrounded by flashing lights which
reads MISS BUNNY'S HOLLYWOOD REVUE hangs over the entrance
to a small garage.
Movie star portraits of JEAN HARLOW, W.C. FIELDS and CLARK
GABLE adorn the walls of the garage.
An over the hill ex-glamour girl, MISS BUNNY, 55, comes into
frame. She's dressed in a sparkling red gown with feathers
in her hair.
MISS BUNNY
(bad Marilyn Monroe
imitation)
Hi, I'm Miss Bunny and welcome to my
Hollywood Revue...
(she giggles)
...where the stars shine forever.
INT. MISS BUNNY'S HOLLYWOOD REVUE - DAY
Tinseltown lives. Tin foil is wrapped around everything, the
walls, doors and ceiling. Fake cement handprints of movie
greats cover the tiny floor. Badly sculpted statues of MARILYN
MONROE, GROUCHO MARX and JOHN WAYNE stand in the corners.
Dead center is a small puppet show stage.
MISS BUNNY
Hi, this is the place where the magic
happens.
CLOSE UP - SQUIRREL
A stuffed squirrel dressed in a gray skirt and jacket, a
tilted hat sits atop its head.
MISS BUNNY
(holding up squirrel)
This is Jenny, she is our resident
Ingrid Bergman.
Miss Bunny picks up a stuffed white cat wearing a brown
trenchcoat.
MISS BUNNY
This is Ronald J. Perrywinckle...
our Humphrey Bogart... today we'll
be doing a scene from Casablanca.
Miss Bunny begins to make the dead animal puppets interact.
She provides their voices.
HUMPHREY CAT
If that plane leaves the ground and
you're not with him you'll regret
it... maybe not today, maybe not
tomorrow but soon and for the rest
of your life.
INGRID SQUIRREL
But what about us?
HUMPHREY CAT
We'll always have Paris. We didn't
have, we lost it... until you came
to Casablanca. We got it back last
night.
INGRID SQUIRREL
When I said I would never leave you.
HUMPHREY CAT
And you never will.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
A single flashlight beam cuts through the darkness of the
dense woods. Bill stumbles behind Baby, she is clearly in
her element.
BILL
How much further?
BABY
Almost there... are you in a hurry
or something?
BILL
Well, yeah, kind of.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Jerry is stretched out across the front seat, reading a book
on Freak Shows. Denise and Mary sit in the back, curled up
under layers of blankets and clothes.
DENISE
Fuck, it's freezing.
JERRY
Hey, listen to this... I think this
is related to our Dr. Satan.
DENISE
Oh, yeah.
JERRY
Yeah, in this book there's a chapter
called Self Made Freaks about how
people would mutilate themselves in
order to work in a freak show. It
mostly talks about tattooed people
and wild men of Borneo and shit like
that, but there is one mention of a
single case where a woman was
suspected of having her arms removed
on purpose to become an arm-less
wonder.
DENISE
Yeah, so how does that fit with the
story of four morons with a flat
tire looking for a dead tree?
JERRY
It says, "records show that Ellie
Thompson was born in 1914 of normal
physical stature and lived a life of
normal bearings, until such time
that she was placed in the care of
the Willows State Mental Facility."
DENISE
So.
JERRY
Now she was put in the nuthouse in
1930 at the age of 16.
DENISE
Why?
JERRY
(scanning the book)
Blah, blah, blah... it doesn't say,
but she was released sometime in
1937, only to reappear as Ellie
Bogdan, the arm-less wonder. Says
she, "criss-crossed the United States
constantly in carnivals and freak
shows until her death in 1946."
DENISE
Yeah?
JERRY
These dates perfectly correspond
with the time frame of our beloved
Dr. Satan working at the looney bin.
I'll bet he amputated her arms.
DENISE
So what?
JERRY
I don't know, I just thought it was
interesting.
DENISE
You know what Jerry, who really cares
at this point?
JERRY
I don't...
(to himself)
...I just thought it was weird.
MARY
(bursting in)
God damn it, I must be fucking crazy
to let him go off with that crazy
fucking bitch.
JERRY
Huh?
MARY
That stupid hillbilly slut.
JERRY
Oh, don't blow everything out of
proportion.
MARY
You didn't see the look she threw
me. She's up to something.
DENISE
Yeah, Jerry, she said some pretty
fucked shit to us.
JERRY
When?
DENISE
When you were outside with Bill.
MARY
She said we look like pussy lickers
or some shit like that.
DENISE
Yeah, she said we looked queer.
JERRY
Aw, get over it, she's just some
dopey redneck, she ain't smart enough
to be up to nothing... I mean
anything... chicks.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
An old Gothic FARMHOUSE stands atop a hill at the end of a
long sloping dirt road. SCARECROWS with pumpkin heads hang
CRUCIFIED on crosses lining the drive. Everything is severely
overgrown.
Bill and Baby enter the gates of the FARM, they walk up the
main drive.
Baby runs forward and begins jumping around in the huge mud
puddles, then runs up onto the front porch of the old house.
The front of the house is covered with strange junk art.
Hundreds of dolls faces are nailed to the walls.
BABY
These are all my dolls. I use to
like to chop their heads off.
Broken bottles and cans are cemented together in weird HUMAN
FIGURES, ANIMAL SKINS stretched over bone armatures form a
makeshift roof.
Glowing down from the upper windows are grinning JACK-O'-
LANTERNS.
BABY
The door's locked. I'll gotta go
around... wait here.
BILL
OK.
Baby RUNS OFF around the side of the house.
Bill stands looking off into the distance at the desolate
farm grounds. The rain continues to hammer down.
From BILL'S POV we see a silhouette of a LONE FIGURE walking
in the distance. The shape of a large dog follows behind
him.
Bill JUMPS, startled by the sound of the heavy front door
opening.
BILL
Christ, you scared the shit out of
me.
BABY
Aw, you ain't seen nothing yet.
BILL
Is your brother ready to go?
BABY
Oh... yeah, he already left. We'll
wait inside, come on.
BILL
He left!
BABY
Yeah, come on.
Baby GRABS Bill by the arm and pulls him into the house.
The heavy iron door slams shut.
INT. CAR - SAME
Denise and Mary sit facing one another, playing cards.
Mary deals from a deck.
Jerry naps in the front seat.
MARY
How long has it been?
DENISE
I don't know... about half an hour.
A metal KLANG is faintly heard.
MARY
What was that?
DENISE
What? I didn't hear anything.
MARY
Wait... quiet. Turn off the radio.
Mary reaches over the front seat and turns off the radio.
DENISE
Now... listen.
They sit in silence.
MARY
I don't hear anything.
DENISE
(whispering)
Shhhhhh, quiet.
MARY
I still don't.
DENISE
Turn on the headlights. See if
anything is out there.
Mary turns on the headlights. Denise lets out a blood-curdling
SCREAM. Jerry bolts up.
JERRY
What... what!
Standing dead center in the road is the GIANT SHAPE of a MAN
holding a heavy chain with a huge hook on the end.
MARY
Lock the doors... quick, quick.
Everybody scrambles to lock the doors.
DENISE
Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck.
On closer inspection, Jerry notices the chain is attached to
the back of a TOW TRUCK.
JERRY
Hold on, hold on! Everybody calm
down! It's the tow truck guy.
MARY
What!
DENISE
Jesus Christ.
MARY
I think I'm gonna have a fucking
heart attack.
JERRY
(Scottish accent)
OK lassies, I think it's time you
get to gripping reality.
MARY
Enough with the stupid voices.
The brute man attaches the chain to the car and begins raising
it with his truck.
A SIGN on the side of the truck reads FIREFLY TOWING.
DISSOLVE TO:
CLOSE UP - TV SCREEN
We are watching a scene from THE OLD DARK HOUSE. GLORIA
STUART, RAYMOND MASSEY and MELVYN DOUGLAS are standing in
the rain pounding on a huge wooden door.
GLORIA STUART
Knock again louder.
MELVYN DOUGLAS
I should of thought that was loud
enough to wake the dead... that's an
idea.
RAYMOND MASSEY
What is?
MELVYN DOUGLAS
Wouldn't it be dramatic, supposing
the people inside were dead. All
stretched out with the lights quietly
burning about them.
GLORIA STUART
I'm sure it would be very amusing.
We pull back from the TV to see Bill's clothes drying by the
fireplace. Bill, now wearing overalls and a flannel shirt,
is sitting on an old over stuffed sofa.
BILL
So, you live here alone... I mean
with just your brother?
BABY
(speaking from the
next room)
No. There's a bunch a us 'round
somewhere... I think Mamma's sleepin'.
She sleeps a lot, now... do you want
marshmallows?
BILL
Um, yeah sure, I guess.
BABY
You sure do a lot of guessing.
Baby sets down the tray, making sure to bend over close to
Bill. She hands him his drink and sits down next to him.
BILL
Thank you.
BABY
You're welcome.
Baby moves closer to Bill, he begins to get nervous.
BILL
Hey, um...
(pointing to the
mounted animal head
over the fireplace)
...what kind of animal is that?
BABY
A dead one.
BILL
(sipping his drink)
Mmmmm, this is tasty.
BABY
(scoops out some
marshmallow with her
finger)
Ain't the only thing tasty in this
house.
(licks it off)
BILL
I wonder what time it is. Seems kind
of late.
BABY
Don't worry, sugar. It ain't past my
bedtime... are you flirting with me?
BILL
What? No, I'm was worried that... I
was just wondering what's taking so
long.
BABY
Oh. Maybe R.J. got into a crash and
killed everbody?
BILL
That's not something to joke about.
BABY
(rolls her eyes)
OK, sorry... maybe the Great Pumpkin
ate 'em up.
Finally, the SOUND OF A TRUCK pulling up can be HEARD.
Bill jumps up and goes to the window.
BILL
Hey, great they're back.
BABY
(sarcastically)
Whoopie fucking doo.
TV SCREEN - SAME
On the B+W screen we see DR. WOLFENSTEIN, a local horror
movie host. He looks like a cross between the WOLFMAN and
LON CHANEY in LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT.
DR. WOLFENSTEIN
(sounds like Wolfman
Jack)
Aaaahooooh, the Doctor is in! Don't
move, don't scream. Stay tuned for
more creature craziness from channel
68's Halloween eve movie marathon.
I'm your host... your ghost host
with the most, baby... Dr. Wolfenstein
and will be with you until the end.
Aaaaaaahooooooh!
EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Bill stands on the front porch watching as the truck roughly
jerks the car to a stop.
Jerry jumps out, opens the back door and helps Denise.
JERRY
(looking at Bill)
Hey, nice outfit Billy Bob.
DENISE
Thanks for coming to get us. Little
brother almost scared us to death.
JERRY
(quietly to Bill as
he passes)
Dude, your chick's a little high
strung.
Mary is the last one out of the car. She says nothing as she
walks to join the others on the porch.
Her look says it all as she walks by Bill and into the house.
BILL
Mary, I'm sorry but he left without
me. Mary... come on, you don't think
I'd leave you stranded out there.
INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Everyone stands around at the fireplace, trying to dry off.
DENISE
Look. I gotta call my Dad and tell
him we're gonna be late. Can I use
your phone?
Baby sits silently watching TV.
DENISE
Excuse me, may I please use your
phone?
MARY
(sarcastically)
Bill, why don't you ask her... she's
your special friend.
A VOICE from upstairs answers.
MOTHER
Ain't got one.
MOTHER comes into view from the darkness above. She is in
her fifties, but looks younger. A sleazy white trash queen.
She slowly descends the stairs.
DENISE
Huh? Oh, hi. You really don't have a
phone?
MOTHER
No, none. I had one once, back in
'57 maybe... I don't know. Really
ain't nobody we wanna be jaw flapping
at around here no more.
JERRY
Hey, maybe the guy with the tow truck
could drive us to a phone.
MOTHER
His name is Rufus, Rufus Jr., but we
all call him R.J.
JERRY
Oh, right.
MOTHER
What do they call you, sweety?
JERRY
Um, I'm Jerry... that's Bill... Denise
and Mary.
BILL
Yeah, maybe R.J. could just tow us
and our car to the nearest garage.
DENISE
I mean obviously we will compensate
you for your troubles.
MOTHER
Oh, you ain't no troubles, no, no,
no fuss.
(claps her hands)
Baby... go see what Rufus Jr. is
doing with these nice folks'
automobile.
Baby slowly rises like a defiant child and walks out of the
room.
MOTHER
In the meanwhile please make
yourselves at home.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE
Gruesome crime scene photos flash across the screen.
CHILDREN
(singing, off screen)
98 bodies in your bed, Some are green,
some are red. Eat the flesh and pick
the bones, Drink the blood when you
get home. 99 bodies in the ground,
Some are blue, some are brown. Gather
'round the people said, Where do you
go when you are dead?
INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mother, Jerry, Denise and Mary are all seated on the sofa.
Bill sits in an easy chair.
MOTHER
So, what brings you kids way out
here, ain't you got something better
to do for Halloween than wander around
out here in the sticks?
JERRY
Well, I thought I'd maybe take in a
hoedown.
MOTHER
(flirting)
Oh, really...
(puts her hand on
Jerry's knee and
winks)
...well, I'm a pretty good dancer if
you know what I mean... I bet I got
a few moves you ain't never seen.
JERRY
I don't doubt that.
DENISE
No, he's just joking. We don't really
have any plans other than spending
the night at my Dad's house...
(glances at Jerry)
...which is where we were headed
when our car broke down.
MOTHER
That's nice.
DENISE
Yeah, I guess I'll just help him
hand out candy to the trick or
treaters.
JERRY
And I'm gonna help put the razor
blades in the candy apples.
MOTHER
I'll bet you are... you are a naughty
little thing aren't ya.
JERRY
I was just kidding.
Bill and Mary snicker at Jerry's comments. Denise tries to
keep a straight face.
MOTHER
Oh, I get it... I guess you think
you're too good for the simple
pleasures of Halloween.
MARY
No, just a little too old.
MOTHER
Oh really, well I hope something
changes your mind some day.
Baby returns from the garage.
BABY
Tiny's home.
MOTHER
What about R.J.?
BABY
Oh, he was already gone before I
seen him... but Tiny saw him and
said he said he was going out to the
yard to get a new wheel.
BILL
The yard, what's that?
MOTHER
It's an old auto junkyard out in
Baldwin.
DENISE
How long is that gonna take?
MOTHER
He should be back in a couple hours.
MARY
A couple hours!
DENISE
Can't Tiny drive us to a phone?
Mother and Baby laugh.
MOTHER
(laughing)
Tiny ain't got no car, he ain't even
got a bicycle.
DENISE
How's he get around out here?
BABY
He walks, duh.
MARY
Fucking great.
MOTHER
I know you're my guests and welcome
but I'd please advise you to keep
from cussing while in my house, thank
you.
MARY
Sorry.
MOTHER
Well, even though I know it seems
childish to you all. Tonight is
Halloween eve and it special to us
so you are all invited to stay for
dinner.
Under the circumstances they realize they have no choice.
They grin and bear it.
DENISE
Thank you.
JERRY
(imitates Elvis)
Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.
MOTHER
(Mother touches Jerry's
shoulder suggestively)
You're a strange one, aren't ya honey.
I think you and me are get on like...
(she thinks for a
second)
...like something real good.
Camera moves over to the TV. THE END fades up on screen.
Dr. Wolfenstein appears over the credits.
DR. WOLFENSTEIN
There well, who knew there was love
to be found in The Old Dark House.
Coming up next, do not move a muscle,
an artery or a vein as we venture
into another creepy classic... are
you ready for THE WOLFMAN, baby?
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM
Bill, Jerry, Mary and Denise are now all seated around a
large dining room table. A thick mountain of candles sits
burning dead center on the table, giving off a warm glow.
Dozens of Halloween decorations dangle from strings over the
table, spiders, bats and black cats.
There is a hand-made PAPER MACHE MASK sitting on each plate.
MARY
(holding up the witch
mask)
I hope to Christ she doesn't expect
us to wear these things.
BILL
Whatever it is just do it. The more
we play along the faster we'll get
the hell out of here.
DENISE
Really, now is not the time to make
waves.
JERRY
Hey, I'm just waiting for Cousin Itt
to show up.
DENISE
Shhhhhh.
Mother walks in holding a covered serving tray.
DENISE
You sure you don't need any help in
there?
MOTHER
No dear, I'm fine. Now what kind of
host would I be if I put my guests
to this kind of work.
She sets the tray and goes back in the kitchen.
BOOM! The sound of the front door SLAMMING shut is heard,
followed by the POUNDING of heavy footsteps.
Mother's and Baby's shouting is heard.
BABY (O.S.)
Ma, Tiny's in.
MOTHER (O.S.)
Go tell him to get your Grandpa.
INT. HOUSE - BABY'S ROOM
Baby is standing in front of her closet staring at her
clothes. The walls of her room are covered with B+W photos
of movie stars.
BABY
(whining)
Ma, I can't, I'm busy getting dressed.
INT. HOUSE - DINING ROOM
TINY ENTERS and removes his coat.
Everyone is speechless.
Tiny is over SEVEN FEET TALL and weighs THREE HUNDRED POUNDS.
He is wearing a black sweater with a big red skull stitched
into it. A red knit ski mask covers his face. Black gloves
cover his hands.
Tiny sits at the table, looks down at his plate and says
nothing.
Mother comes to fetch Tiny. She relays a message to him with
strange hand gestures.
Tiny gets up and leaves the room.
MOTHER
You'll have to forgive Tiny, he can't
hear so much.
DENISE
Oh.
MOTHER
Yeah, my poor baby. It's his Daddy's
fault. I mean Earl was a good man...
I mean he never hit me or nothing,
but one day he just got up and went
pure devil on us all.
DENISE
What happened? Oh, I'm sorry, it's
none of my business.
MOTHER
He tried to burn the house down,
said it was possessed by the spirits.
Tiny was sleeping in the basement
where the fire started. I don't think
Earl ever meant to harm us... but
Tiny was badly burnt, his ears were
destroyed and most of his skin.
BILL
Is that why he wears the mask?
MOTHER
Yeah, my baby boy gets shy around
new people, but he'll warm up to
ya... especially the ladies.
JERRY
Great. I thought I felt a certain
attraction between Mary and Tiny
soon as he walked in.
MOTHER
Maybe. He's a real lady killer.
JERRY
Didn't ya think, Mary?
Mary just smiles, then gives Jerry a dirty look.
MOTHER
Well, we'll see... the night is young
and so are you... oh well, couple
more minutes.
Mother returns to the kitchen.
DENISE
(elbows Jerry)
Don't be such a fucking smart ass.
MARY
Yeah, it's really your fault that
we're stuck in this shithole in the
first place.
JERRY
Oh, don't worry she didn't get
offended by what I said. You two got
to lighten up... right, Bill?
BILL
Whatever, at this point all I care
about is food. I'm starving and I
got a fucking killer headache.
JERRY
Hey, I asked you if you wanted some
chicken.
BILL
Didn't look like chicken to me, more
like fried pussy cat.
JERRY
(shrugs)
Tasted pretty good.
INT. FARMHOUSE - GRAMPA'S ROOM - NIGHT
In a cramped, darkened room we see the huge shape of Tiny
hovering over a BED containing the hunched, fragile old body
of GRAMPA.
Grampa struggles to sit, then slowly slides his legs over
the edge of the bed. Tiny helps him to stand.
GRAMPA
God damn it, I can do it. I can do
it myself, ya big monkey. I ain't
dead yet... so don't you and your
sister start counting out my money
yet.
Grampa steadies himself against Tiny. They slowly walk out
of the room.
GRAMPA
God damn, my dogs are barking.
As they move into the light of the hallway, it is clear that
Grampa is in his late 80's.
Grampa quickly grows tired. Tiny picks him up in his arms
and carries him down the stairs to the dining room.
As they move past, the camera comes to rest on a STRANGE
OBJECT sitting on a shelf.
A LARGE GLASS JAR containing a DEFORMED BABY. The pickled
punk looks to have a small second head growing from its
temple. The label on the jar reads STUFFY 1973.
The sound from the TV fades up in the background.
BELA LUGOSI'S VOICE can be heard.
BELA LUGOSI (V.O.)
Your hands, please. Your left hand
shows your past...
DISSOLVE TO:
TV SCREEN
Bela is seen as a fortune teller holding a woman's hands.
This is a scene from The Wolfman.
BELA LUGOSI
...and your right hand shows your
future.
CLOSE UP
We see a tight shot of the woman's palm. A pentagram appears.
INT. DENISE'S FATHER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
We PULL BACK from the TV to find Donald Willis sitting in a
old easy chair. The room is modest, but comfortable.
He reaches over and picks up a small alarm clock, notices
the time, concerned look comes over his face.
The phone rings. He quickly answers it.
MR. WILLIS
Hello, Denise?
Disappointment. He mutes the TV.
MR. WILLIS
Oh, yeah... no, Fred. I was hoping
you were Denise, she's a little late.
(pausing)
Yeah, yeah I'm sure the rain just
slowed 'em down... yeah... uh-huh,
yeah... no, no you can keep it 'til
Tuesday... alright, talk to ya
tomorrow, bye.
Unmutes the sound on the TV.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
The feast is on. Mother, Tiny, Grampa, Jerry, Bill, Mary and
Denise are gathered around the table.
MOTHER
OK, everyone, put on your masks. We
can't very well eat with our everyday
faces exposed.
Mother puts on her mask, Tiny and Grampa follow. Jerry, Bill
and Denise slowly raise up their masks, Mary hesitates.
GRAMPA
(to Mary)
Christ kid, put it on. She ain't
letting any of us touch the grub
'til you're wearing the damn thing.
Mary rolls her eyes and complies.
JERRY
I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs...
Ummmm.
MOTHER
(hesitates)
Firefly.
JERRY
Firefly... mmmmm odd name. Mrs.
Firefly, do you know anything about
the legend of Dr. Satan?
BILL
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