"Hudson Hawk", by Steven E. de Souza, revised by Daniel Waters
HUDSON HAWK
Screenplay by
Steven E. de Souza
Revisions by
Dan Waters
Based on an original idea by
Bruce Willis & Robert Kraft
A Silver Pictures/Flying Heart Films June 14, 1990
Production
NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
THIS SOFT COPY.
FADE IN:
EXT. VINCI COUNTRYSIDE - RENAISSANCE - DAY
Beneath a jawdroppingly storybook castle, a small
Renaissance Fair with florid awnings, demented ACROBATS
and roaring puppets is unfolding.
RUSTIC FARMERS and their families rumble with enjoyment
at the Sabbath afternoon entertainment.
Encircled by children, A JUGGLER WITH AN UNFORGETTABLY
ETCHED FACE elegantly plucks the red balls from a pouch
on his mule. As he begins to juggle, a LOUD EXPLOSION
is heard, causing him to ungracefully drop his balls
and collapse in a heap.
Everyone at the fair, including the puppets, looks up.
UNFORGETTABLE JUGGLER
Leonardo, che pazzo.
The juggler shakes his fist up to a swish pan that swings
up toward a smoking window of the awesome castle...
INT. ROOM OF THE GOLD MACHINE
where the charismatic LEONARDO DA VINCI laughs down at
him. Da Vinci wears a pair of very early, very cool sun-
glasses with his trademark beard.
He turns and loses his smile, something extraordinary
reflecting off his glasses. Removing his shades, Da
Vinci moves to the Something, a gloriously incredible
machine. The opening CREDITS REVEAL its dazzling idio-
syncrasies.
TWO COUGHING APPRENTICES haplessly try to disperse smoke
from the still billowing, mysteriously spectacular
Machine. Mirrors attached to parts of it reflect beams
of light which cut through the smoke like a Renaissance
laser show.
DA VINCI
(silencing authority)
Basta vapore.
The apprentice throws a lever. A shunt near the furnace
turns. Steam escapes upwards. The machine immediately
slows down. Da Vinci oh-so-gently coughs and moves for-
ward with tongs.
A LITTLE TROUGH - IN THE MACHINE'S INNARDS
comes to a trembling, mystical halt. Right behind this
trough is a CONPLEX POLYHEDRON CRYSTAL as intricately
modulated as any Rubik stocking stuffer, but much more
dazzling in beauty. It gleams like a jewel in the yellow
glow which pours from a PLEASANTLY GRINNING DEMONHEAD into
a trough--a glow of heat--and something more than heat.
The tongs enter the frame.
Da Vinci brings the object closer to his face. A murmur
goes up from the awestruck apprentices as the Master
peers at the smoking yellow bar.
APPRENTICE TWO
Maestro, che meraviglia!
APPRENTICE THREE
Lei e' proprio fantastico!
Da Vinci's pride goes dead as the implications hit.
DA VINCI
Lasciatemi, solo. Solo!
The apprentices scurry out. Mind reeling, Da Vinci turns
his back to the viewer, before a wall of frescoes.
DA VINCI
L'ho fatto.
Spinning back around, using the edge of his cloak, Da
Vinci pulls out the large gleaming crystal with a pop.
INT. DA VINCI'S WORKSHOP
With an accompanying blast of smoke, Da Vinci bursts
through some double doors into his workshop, sadly
reflecting upon the crystal in one hand and the tonged
bar in the other.
His workshop is a spendiferously enigmatic blend of
laboratory and studio; On a table in the foreground is
a fresh clay equestrian statue; a large VOLUME of
sketches, the inkwell nearby; a MODEL of what looks like
a HELICOPTER; Da Vinci flings the tonged bar on the table
among these goodies.
Pocketing the crystal, Da Vinci meanders through his work-
shop casually tinkering with various experiments. He
snaps his fingers at a BATHING SUITED APPRENTICE, wearing
a diving helmet prototype. The Apprentice jumps into a
pool of water.
Leonardo next stops at an easel displaying a finished-
except-for-the-mouth portrait of Mona Lisa, who happens
to be seated in a stool before the easel. She broadly
smiles, revealing the worst dental work of her epoch.
Da Vinci shakes his head and moves out onto a
EXT. CASTLE TERRACE
A FLYING APPRENTICE sails past Leonardo in a bat winged
glider, enthusiastically shouting. Da Vinci grins back
until he touches his pocket. He pulls out the crystal
and, after a beat, angrily twists it apart into two
separate, geometric pieces revealing a small intricate
mirror. He quickly folds the surprisingly shapable
geometric pieces.
Calming down, Da Vinci looks from the three components of
the crystal to each of the three unfinished works on the
table in his workshop. He ponders then looks back out to
the Vinci vista.
The bat winged glider DISSOLVES into:
A HAWK
who is revealed to be flying over Sing Sing prison.
INT. A SING SING PRISON CELL
The shadow of the hawk passes through a cell window, over
the face of EDDIE HUDSON HAWKINS causing him to break out
of an eye-closed trance.
Before the viewer can get a good look at him, Hudson
Hawk turns to an oddball version of the "Mona Lisa" that
has his face and tears it off the cell back-wall.
INT. PRISON BLOCK WALKWAY
TWO PRISON GUARDS, One WISE and BLACK, the other YOUNG
and GREEN march down a cell block. The Former is smoking
a pipe which the Young Guard lights with a lighter.
WISE GUARD
We're losing our biggest celebrity
today.
YOUNG GUARD
You're kidding, Petey the Paint
Thinner Killer is getting paroled?
WISE GUARD
Not that slime, you Fizzhead.
Hudson Hawk. The last of the
great cat burglars.
INT. PRISON CELL WALL
A hand tears down a picture of a happy Hudson Hawk and
a LITTLE MONKEY, identically dressed in black cat
burglar gear.
THE BLOCK
The Wise Guard and the Young Guard rumble forward.
WISE GUARD
As a thief, Hawk was a poem.
Iambic fucking pentameter. You
know, Crime used to have a little
class. A hundred reporters were
here when he came in, now they're
probably out covering some tired
crack gang war...
The Guards approach Hawk's cell. Hawk, with his back
turned, hefts on a nifty blazer.
HAWK
Remind me to fire my publicist.
The Wise Guard chuckles as the Young Guard fumbles with
his key-ring.
YOUNG GUARD
Darn, these are for L-block...
Hawk's hand reaches through the bars and grabs a pipe
cleaner from the Wise Guard's pocket. Then the lighter
from the Young Guard's pocket--BURNS OFF the fabric fuzz
with the lighter beside it--bends the now blackened
wire--and with a quick turn of the wrist uses it to
UNLOCK the door.
YOUNG GUARD
- go back down to security and-
He stops, dumbfounded, as the door clunks open. The
Guards double-take as Hawk, finally in full view, struts
past them, down the hall. The Guards hustle to catch
up. The wise guard puts his finger in the air and
sarcastically pretends to be stung by the heat emanating
from Hawk.
WISE GUARD
Guess this means, Hawk, you'll
be able to let yourself back in...
HAWK
Never happen. Bet. Ten bucks.
Hawk and the Wise Guard hit fists, half-smiling. Hawk
unfolds the painting.
HAWK
Oh, give this back to Petey in A
block. Tell him it was a sweet
gift, but I think he got some
wrong ideas about our friendship.
YOUNG GUARD
The Paint Thinner Killer did
this? I think you picked a good
day to get out...
The trio comes to the final checkpoint. Hawk takes a
deep breath.
WISE GUARD
Hope I lose the bet. Have that
cappuccino on me.
HAWK
(flipping him the
pipe cleaner)
You got it. A double.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE PRISON--DAY
Hawk strides to the Massive Sliding Concrete Door/Wall
between him and freedom. As music crescendos and
Hawk glows his first smile, the door opens to reveal two
Mafioso brothers, CESAR and ANTONY MARIO, the latter
sitting upon the hood of a tinted window Lincoln
Continental. Cesar is of cool, hair-slicked-back
attitude, his scumbag brother is not.
ANTONY
Welcome back, buddy ol' pal.
We've got a proposition...
HAWK
Answer's no, not even if you
bathe. Cesar Mario, Antony Mario,
how's the "Family?" Kill any
monkeys lately?
CESAR
How many times do I have to say
it? I didn't put the hit on
Little Eddie... Never had anything
against that kooky chimp. I
actually found him, "endearing."
HAWK
Sure. Face down. Two endearing
shots to the back of the head.
That's your mark, man. What did
Little Eddie ever do to...
Smouldering, Hawk struts off. Cesar takes a black
canvas bag from a SCARFACED DRIVER and hustles up to
Hawk. The Lincoln rumbles behind them, Antony riding
on the hood.
CESAR
You're hitting Rutherford's
Auction House. Easy as my
brother's wife. Directions are
in the bag. Just open the seventh
floor safe and take out the
thingie...
HAWK
Or you cut off my thingie.
Directions even your brother
would understand.
ANTONY
(defensively)
Yeah, directions even I could
understand.
The car squeals to a stop. Antony bounds off. Cesar
shove-throws the canvas bag into Hawk's unwilling
hands.
CESAR
Hawk, you're a great thief. Got
set up, did some time, nothing to
be ashamed of. Don't give me a
sonata about you always just
really wanted to settle down,
open a hardware Store and sell
spatulas...
HAWK
If the Mario brothers weren't
Jersey's third largest family,
I'd say kiss my ass. But
considering your status, I'll
say slurp my butt.
Hawk fiercely push-shoves the canvas bag back into
Cesar's hands.
CESAR
What's your favorite sport, Hawk?
HAWK
Baseball, why?
Antony opens the back door of the Lincoln and says
"Baseball." He is handed a baseball bat. Hawk backs
up as Antony moves threateningly toward him.
HAWK
I meant, ping pong. Listen, I'd
rather go back in than whore for
you...
(stopping)
Oh, I need to borrow ten dollars.
A PRISON GUARD from above turns as not to be a witness.
Hawk feebly calls up to him.
HAWK
Help? Police?
Antony swings at Hawk, who pretends not to notice until
the last second. Hawk ducks and slam-kicks his calf.
Antony crumples, using the bat as a crutch. Hawk boots
up the bat for a two-handed catch then savagely pivots
it across Antony's face, knocking him into the backseat
of the car.
CESAR
(unfazed)
You need some time to think.
That's cool, but next time, I'm
not going to say "Please."
Cesar floats into the backseat. The Lincoln takes off.
Hawk seethes...
HAWK
I don't believe this. I've been
out forty seconds...
A BACKFIRE rings out. Hawk hits the ground, thinking
it is a gunshot.
HAWK'S ON THE GROUND P.O.V.
A gasping 1960 Caddy comes to a stop and a pair of a too-
fancy-to-be-tasteful shoes comes out. Hawk looks up to
see ALEX MESSINA, his older, maybe-maybe-not-wiser best
friend.
ALEX
That's the first thing I did.
Smooch the ground and taste the
freedom. Sorry I was late. Miss
anything?
HAWK
(getting up)
Your timing, and your shoes, are
impeccable... Good to see you,
Alex, been having a lousy day.
ALEX
Lousy day? The man's getting out
of prison and he's having a
lousy day. What, you missing out
on the Cell Block Water Ballet
pageant? Believe me, it's
overrated.
Hawk pauses to say something, then just hugs Alex.
ALEX
Where's the kiss? No tongue this
time, I promise.
A laughing Hawk gives Alex's stomach a slap before
getting in the car....
HAWK
Looks like you've been expanding
your...
ALEX
Don't say it, Hawkins. I'm
incredibly sensitive about my
fucking figure.
HAWK
My next word was gonna be
"consciousness." Swear to God...
tubby.
EXT. THE ROAD INTO HOBOKEN--DAY
The Caddy thunders past a sweet Manhattan view. "Come
Fly With Me" is playing on the radio. Hawk casually com-
pletes an intimidating hand puzzle.
HAWK
That's your definition of "Hard?"
ALEX
Show off. Hey, boss tune. "Come
Fly with Me."
HAWK
Three minutes, 51 seconds.
ALEX
Still do the puzzles, still know
the running times of songs, and
I'll bet you're still the best
damn cat burg--
HAWK
Not anymore. Now I'm the laziest
damn cat burg--I'm going to take
it so straight that I won't tape
a Mets game without the expressed
written consent of the National
Baseball League.
ALEX
Now that you're born again,what
do you wanna do? Statue of
Liberty? Entertain some ladies?
Miss Saigon tix? Seduce some
women? Play Nintendo? Bone some
chicks?
HAWK
Come on, Alex, let's just get to
Alex's. Your bar's the only
place that's going to cheer me.
God, I'd kill for a damn
cappuccino. What the hell's a
Nintendo?
ALEX
Oh man, you still got a thing for
those unmasculine European coffees?
Who's your buddy?
Alex pulls a styrofoam cup from a paper bag.
HAWK
The man knows, the man knows!
Hawk takes off the cap with a stimulating whiff.
ALEX
So Mr. Coffee, what went down
outside the prison?
HAWK
Oh, not much. Mario Brothers want
me to do a job.
Alex brakes and cappuccino flies. Hawk half-heartedly
tries to lick up with his fingers.
ALEX
Those dago-guinea-I can say
this shit I'm Italian-wop
motherfu--
HAWK
Ah, had the perfect amount of
foam. Just get me to the bar...
It's the one good thing in my
life that'll never change....
EXT. OUTSIDE ALEX'S BAR--NIGHT
The Guys move through the personably Jersey face of the
bar. The Empire State Building beams in the background.
Sinatra cuts off.
INT. ALEX'S BAR--NIGHT
It's changed. Hawk and Alex enter into what has become
the ultimate pseudo-art deco-fern littered-nightmare,
packed with noisy, INSUFFERABLY SELF-ABSORBED YUPS.
A violently erotic and pretentious video plays upon
elevated T.V. sets set up all around the place.
Hawk's mouth gapes as he drifts by a sickening COUPLE
toasting wine coolers, and two very YOUNG BROKERS high-
fiving each other after missing a dartboard.
ALEX
I didn't know how to tell you. A
couple brokers stopped in for
Stoley Spritzers one night. Next
thing I know Fast Track Digest
votes us "Watering Hole of the
Month." Now, I'm shopping for
Aqua Salmon wallpaper.
HAWK
I read about these people in
Newsweek. Where's all the
regulars, Crazy Jeff Cava, the
Todd sisters, Indian Joe? Where's
Ed Kranepool's autograph? Captain
Bob's steering wheel?
ALEX
Hey, get this irritable guy a
cappuccino. I gotta go be a boss.
Alex lifts a piece of the bar and moves behind it.
Snatching up a menu, Hawk calls out...
HAWK
This is Pizza? Reindeer Goat
cheese? I admit, I've been known
to go wild and order a Canadian
Bacon in my time, but..
Hawk lights up a cigarette. A TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER
immediately turns to him wearing a "Yes, I mind if you
smoke" button.
TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER
Can you read.... smoker?
HAWK
Can you take a sunrise and
sprinkle it with dew?
TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER
(Huh?)
No.
HAWK
The Candy Man can, Felix. You
know, I thought this was a country
where you could do any stupid
thing you wanted; drive to work
naked, make love to a V.C.R.
Guess I'm wrong. Maybe that's
why I became a serial arsonist.
TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER
Hey, it's okay, big guy. Smoke
all you want. Have mine....
The Non-smoker fumbles out a pack of cigarettes and
flees. A cappuccino in cup and saucer slides down the
bar saloon-style. A smiling Hawk picks it up, turns away
from the bar and closes his eyes, bringing the cup to his
lips until a POLICE BADGE swirls into frame and splashes
into the cup, splattering coffee over Hawk's blazer.
GATES (O.S.)
You're under arrest...
Hawk makes eye contact up to a crude, coarse, and
cackling island of a man, OFFICER GATES, amid the sea
of oblivious and self-obsessed yuppitude, standing by
a table.
GATES
Have a seat. Good to see you,
buddy ol' pal...
HAWK
The pleasure's all yours, Officer
Gates.
BACK OF THE BAR
With concern, Alex watches Hawk sit at Gates' table.
GATES' TABLE
Gates pillages a plate of spaghetti and meatballs with
terrifying precision. Hawk tosses the badge onto the
food. Gates eats around it.
GATES
Why do you show your parole
officer such disrespect?
Especially after I got you such
a nice job.
HAWK
What job?
Gates pulls up the black canvas bag and puts it on the
table.
GATES
The auction house, asshole. One
night's work and you're free like
no ex-con's ever been. No
checking in with a shrink, no
community service teaching
retards how to play air hockey.
It's a great deal, I can't lie.
HAWK
The only thing you can't do is
get sex for free. I know I was
in prison for like basically the
80's, but, call me daffy, aren't
you supposed to stop me from
committing crimes. You know,
Book-em-Dano, Call-for-backup,
Give-a-Hoot-Don't-Pollute.
Gates thunders out of his chair and moves around to sneer
down at Hawk. Behind Gates, on the T.V. screens, are
analogous images of DISGUSTING ANIMALS AND MONSTERS.
GATES
You wouldn't be out if it wasn't
for me! I did dog and pony for
you! You think they would have
let you out after what you did,
you told the board members they
looked like the Three Stooges...
HAWK
How was I supposed to know they
were women? Besides one of them
was bald and kept saying
"Soitinly."
Gates simmers into his seat with a self-control smile.
GATES
Remember that guy in the cell
next to you who hung himself?
HAWK
Yes.
GATES
Remember that shoe you lost...
HAWK
Uh, yeah. Cut to the chase.
Gates pulls up a shoe and puts it on the table.
GATES
One phone call and your shoe
will become a piece of evidence
and that suicide'll become a
murder.
Hawk bobs under the table and up.
HAWK
What else do you got under there
... I don't want to be rude, but
this is all pretty lame.
GATES
That's the beauty. It's bullshit,
but I can make it stick because
I'm a good guy parole officer and
you re a bad guy who's about to
find out that there's a thin line
between ex-con and escape con.
Alex suddenly approaches the table.
ALEX
How is everything tonight, sir?
GATES
Beat it, Alex. You're a dinosaur.
HAWK
Alex, did you know this ape was
going to be here...
ALEX
Sure. That's why his meatballs
are made out of marinated Chuck
Wagon.
GATES
(mouthful)
You're full of shit.
As Alex speaks, an eating dog is on the screens.
ALEX
No, man, actually you are. Just
add water and it makes its own
gravy. Keeps your teeth healthy
and your coat shiny.
Gates grabs the shoes and races off, gagging. Hawk gets
up to laugh next to Alex. Their laughter dies as they
turn to look at the black canvas bag left on the table
between them.
INT. BACK ROOM--DAWN
Hawk stares mournfully at a black and white photo of a
monkey-sized chalk-outline on a city street. Behind him,
Alex pulls out blueprints from the black bag. Sinatra's
"Witchcraft" blares on the radio....
ALEX
Hmmmm.....
HAWK
Yo Pandora, quit hummm-ing... look
at this.
Hawk is rummaging through stockpiled remnants of an old,
"true" bar. Round lamps, tacky mirrors, pictures of Hawk
and the Regs at the bar. Managing a weary smile, Hawk
lifts a ship steering wheel, while Alex puts on a pair of
granny classes and pulls out blueprints.
HAWK
It's Captain Bob's steering wheel!
Remember when the Captain.....
ALEX
Hmmm, nasty little safe on the 7th.
Hawk nervously picks up a Rubik's Cube and holds it
behind his back. He brings it back around, completed.
Sighing, Hawk drops the cube and rubs his scalp. Alex
starts rubbing his stomach. They pace in pre-job
syncopation and speak rapid-fire.
HAWK
The safe's a Simpson 71. Last
time I played the game, Simpson
only had a 40.
ALEX
Just means it'll take you an extra
31 seconds to seduce. You re
still the best, I know it.
HAWK
But you got three guards who...
Shit, what am I doing? Where's
the want ads? Gonna sell some
spatulas.
ALEX
Hey, I'm sorry, man. I'm putting
out a fire with kerosene.
Alex gives Hawk a consoling two-hand-shake then jumps
back to reveal he has put Hawk into thumbcuffs.
HAWK
This isn't funny. I'm not into
this. I...
ALEX
There goes five seconds...My
record's eighteen.
HAWK
You're not...LISTENING!
Out of annoyance, Hawk breaks out of the cuffs and
violently throws them at Alex, who sits down a little
wounded.
HAWK
I'm sorr--Goddamn Mario Brothers.
Goddamn Gates. Goddamn Rutherford
Auction House. By the way, how
many seconds?
ALEX
Rutherford Auction... that name...
Alex jumps up excitedly and then convulses in pain.
HAWK
Alex!
ALEX
Don't wet your diapers. I'll have
to change them. "Witchcraft."
What's the running time?
Alex flops down behind a work table before a wallfull of
drawings of different kinds of vaults. He sets himself
up for an insulin injection.
HAWK
3:48. I can't get you involved,
man. This is my sewage and...
(re drawings)
God, you love all this, don't you,
you bastard. Haven't you ever
heard of stamp collecting, or
curling?
Hawk leans in and administers the shot of insulin to
Alex.
ALEX
I'm in. Have you seen the public
service announcements for Diabetes.
We can ride horses, play LaCrosse,
and knock off auction houses. I
got a plan. You won't have to hail
Cesar or Gates.
Hawk collapses next to Alex, resigned to his fate.
HAWK
I'm a bum.
EXT. NICE, BUSINESS NEIGHBORHOOD--NIGHT
TWO GRUBBY DERELICTS, one pushing a shopping cart, the
other inside it, situated atop the usual two Glad bags.
They are drunkenly warbling "Witchcraft." IMPECCABLY
DRESSED NIGHT-LIFERS give them a wide berth.
Our derelicts pass beneath a MASSIVE RED CANOPY of a
distinguished eight story edifice, upon which is written
RUTHERFORD'S AUCTION HOUSE. A DOORMAN shoos them away...
A NEWSPAPER TRUCK pulls up in front of the Auction House.
The Driver pops out with a bundle of papers and moves to
a Dispenser on the corner. The Bums wheel around the
truck. The Driver loads the papers and bounds back.
The Truck pulls away from the corner. The shopping cart
rolls off--the bums nowhere to be seen.
The Truck turns the corner, revealing the derelicts
climbing up the back of it, with Glad bags around their
necks. The Truck moves toward an enclosed Walkway Bridge
that connects the Auction House with another Building.
Launching low-tech grapples, the Vagrants latch them-
selves onto the Walkway window as the Truck passes
beneath.
AT THE WINDOW
The viewer's viewpoint moves into a tighter view of the
dangling derelicts, revealing them to, of course, be Hawk
and Alex. Getting a footing, on the small window ledge,
each man cuts a hole in the window while holding onto a
plunger.
HAWK
Whoa, you better cut a bigger hole
than that.
ALEX
Hey, you promised......Don't worry,
I'm wearing my girdle.
INT. INSIDE THE WALKWAY WINDOW--NIGHT
Hawk and Alex come through their window holes. Hawk
immediately flattens himself against a wall, whisper-
ing...
HAWK
Cameras?
ALEX
No need. Guards' station's right
there.
Alex points to an open doorway just down the hall where
laughter and shadows emerge. Hawk tries to flee, but a
grinning Alex pulls him toward it.
Hawk and Alex slide across the wall to a closed room
marked POWER, which is right next to the open Guards'
Station. The viewer's viewpoint moves past Hawk and
Alex lock-picking into the Power room to...
INT. THE GUARDS' STATION
Two Security Guards sit before a console of seven
security screens still chuckling over an unheard joke.
Wires coming out of the security console run across the
floor and through the wall into...
INT. THE POWER ROOM
The wires go up to a row of seven humming, RECORD button
flashing V.C.R.s. Hawk and Alex stand before them,
sharing a cig.
ALEX
They record everything their
video surveillance takes in...
HAWK
Yes, master-thief, I can see that.
You said something about a plan...
Alex presses the REWIND buttons on the V.C.R.'s.
ALEX
Am I boring you, smartass? Watch.
A little rewind and re-wire action
and the Guards are going to be
watching a rerun and miss out on
our exciting episode.
Alex pulls from a nearby shelf six tapes marked MONDAY.
INT. SEVENTH FLOOR AUCTION AUDITORIUM--NIGHT
Moving beneath a video camera and a dazzling Set of
Hanging Horse Mobiles, a Heavyset guard, BIG STAN, moseys
through the dimly lit main auction house auditorium. The
auditorium chairs are strewn out in the middle beside a
turbo Floor Washer.
Next to a painting of Happy Children Riding Horses at the
back of the auditorium stage, Big Stan hefts himself upon
a comparatively TINY BLUE CHAIR and begins to tip back
and snooze.
INT. GUARDS' STATION
The Security Guards look to the seventh floor screen to
see an unfolding shot of Big Stan mid-snooze.
SECURITY GUARD ONE
Check out Big Stan...
(walkie-talkie)
Big Stan!
THE AUCTION AUDITORIUM
Startled by his walkie-talkie, Big Stan falls back on the
little chair, crunching it to the ground.
THE FIRST FLOOR
The laughing security guards see the crunch.
INT. THE POWER ROOM
Alex puts the last of the Monday tapes into a V.C.R.
ALEX
You got about five minutes and
change.
HAWK
5:32. "Swinging on a Star."
ALEX
You know they invented something
while you were inside. Called a
watch.
A freight elevator pings. Hawk opens it up as the music
of "Swinging on the Star" kicks in on the soundtrack.
HAWK
"A mule is an animal with long
funny ears."
ALEX
"He kicks up at anything he
hears.
Hawk crams himself into the freight elevator with his
Glad bag. Strenuously upbeat Ray Conniffesque singers
continue to sing the song, orchestrally accompanied, when
Hawk isn't.
INT. THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR
Hawk takes over the song, sardined in the elevator.
HAWK
"Or would you rather swing on a
star, carry moonbeams home in a
jar."
POWER ROOM
Alex goes up to a Circuit Box and pulls down two large
Switches. The soundtrack singers continue to warble.
THE GUARDS' STATION
The lights of the floor wobble and die. The console
screens blink off. The Security Guards stop laughing.
SECURITY GUARD TWO
Hell-o. Check the Power room,
bud...
Security Guard One harrumphs into a standing position...
POWER ROOM
Alex speedily hooks and rehooks the backs of the V.C.R.S.
They now all have their PLAY buttons lit up.
ALEX
swing on a star, carry moonbeams...
OUTSIDE THE POWER ROOM
Security Guard One fishes for keys to open the power
room. The soundtrack singers whisper as not to give away
Alex.
INSIDE THE POWER ROOM
Alex briskly slams back up the switches.
OUTSIDE THE POWER ROOM
The singers go louder as the lights come back on.
Security Guard One harrumphs and heads back to the
Guards' Station.
THE AUCTION AUDITORIUM
Hawk scrambles out of the freight elevator in the left
wall of the Auditorium, glancing to the clock.
HAWK
"Or would you rather be a fish?"
He pulls out the black canvas bag from his Glad bag and
takes out the blueprints. Hawk follows them toward the
painting on-stage.
THE GUARDS' STATION
Big Stan comes up from behind his fellow guards, dumping
the remains of the chair on the floor.
BIG STAN
(moving back off)
Very funny.
The Seventh Floor Screen shows a peaceful auction
auditorium. And the Blue Chair.
THE AUCTION AUDITORIUM--CAMERA P.O.V.
From the exact angle, the viewer sees the current state
of the room with Hawk flinging off the painting of the
horseback children, revealing a safe. But no Blue chair.
HAWK
spits on the rubber cup of an electronic sensor, plugged
into a Walkman, and affixes it to the safe above the
dial.
HAWK
(lyric trouble)
"A fish is annuh nan na nan na
brook.
THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR
Alex is now packed into the freight elevator.
ALEX
"He can't write his name or read
a book. To fool people is his
only thought."
THE AUCTION AUDITORIUM
HAWK
(remembering)
"And though he's slippery, he
still gets caught."
Wearing headphones, Hawk cranks up the Walkman and spins
the dial. The CLICKS from the dial are so loud he winces
and turns down the volume. Then there's a CLUNK.
THE GUARDS' STATION
With the soundtrack singers taking over, Guard Two sips
a cup of coffee. He doesn't swallow.
His sights zero in on the Blue Chair on the seventh
screen. He looks to the chair remains, then back again.
SECURITY GUARD TWO
Uh, Jerry. I'm looking at the
seventh floor and I don't know
how to say this, I see the Blue
Chair.
SECURITY GUARD ONE
What the... You think that's weird,
check out screen two.....
Screen Two shows THE TWO SECURITY GUARDS THEMSELVES
hatching open some on-duty beers, going down a hall.
Guard Two looks to the empties atop the console....
SECURITY GUARD TWO
Somebody rewired the recorders!
AUCTION AUDITORIUM
Hawk ditches his accessories and swings the safe door
open.
Inside the safe, along with the "holy" Da Vinci music
cue, is the clay equestrian model from Leonardo's
worktable.
Hawk belts out as he put it in the black canvas bag.
HAWK
"And all the monkeys aren't in
the zoo."
ALEX (V.O.)
"Every day you meet quite a few."
Alex gives Hawk a congratulatory pat.
HAWK AND ALEX
"So you see it's all up to you.
You can be better than you are.
You could be swinging on a star."
THE AUCTION ROOM
BIG STAN reconnects the wires of the seventh V.C.R.
THE GUARDS' STATION
Suddenly, on the seventh screen, the image and voices
of Hawk and Alex in-process comes on.
SECURITY GUARD ONE
Shit, let's roll!
THE AUCTION AUDITORIUM
Hawk puts the painting back up, but stops to stare at the
playful children.
ALEX
The song's over! Come on!
"You could be swinging on a star."
HAWK
What am I doing here? There are
so many things I wanna do that
aren't this. Paint a lighthouse.
Kiss a woman in Italy.
ALEX
(more frantically)
"You could be swinging on a star."
HAWK
Paint a woman in a lighthou--I
don't want to steal a horse.
Life is...
Hawk's soliloquy is cut short as Security Guards One and
Two crash into the auction auditorium.
ALEX
(DEADPAN)
"You could be swinging on a star."
You couldn't have waited to see
a psychiatrist. No, you had...
Alex whips his chair at the floor washer, tipping it
forward and causing its electrical cord to pull up and
trip the Guards into a bellyflop.
Hawk bolts right at the bustling up guards and locks them
into Alex's thumbcuffs. He then limbos under their
connected arms and springs over the outstretched washer
cord. The Security Guards clumsily turn and re-trip
themselves.
HAWK
Let's go down the freight elevator.
Big Stan suddenly unhatches from the freight elevator.
ALEX
Keep those ideas coming.
Hawk and Alex run toward an office located at the right
wall. They both do a Gene-Kellyesque-chair-tip-over
before simultaneously bashing through the office door.
INT. DARKENED AUCTION AUDITORIUM OFFICE
Hawk and Alex stop in the office to painfully laugh and
rub their funny bones. Alex stops laughing.
ALEX
I'm not as unpleasantly plump as
that Guard am I.
Big Stan fires off a warning shot. Hawk and Alex quickly
tear up a window.
Moving out on to a ledge, Hawk and Alex look down to the
huge auction house awning and trade gulps.
Big Stan wobbles into the mouth of the office door.
HAWK AND ALEX
I got a bad feeling....
HAWK
I can't even swim.
ALEX
Hell, the fall'll probably kill
ya...
Big Stan raises his gun.
Hawk and Alex jump and AAAGH down the face of the
building....
Closer and closer to the awning....
The viewer focuses upon Hawk as he free-falls......
CUT TO:
RIGHT INTO A LAZ-Y-BOY CHAIR
Hawk continues his "fall" into a ridiculously huge
reclining chair. The foot stand swooshes out with a
thump. A HAND pulls away the canvas bag with a cackle.
INT. GATES APARTMENT--LATE NIGHT
Hawk's weirdly reclining viewpoint makes Gates and his
pad more grotesque than they are (No small feat.)
A sub-Radio Shack stereo coughs next to a scary punch
bowl of red, margarita-like substance, beneath the
instantly recognizable framed picture of Those Dogs
Playing Poker, all atop a Jungle Shag.
Gates, in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt-over-a-KEEP ON
TRUCKIN'-T-shirt, raises a loud tumbler with one hand,
the black canvas bag in the other.
GATES
Hudson Hawkins gets the chair of
honor. How about a Gates-arita?
(toward bowl)
I used real hot dogs.
HAWK
Weren't you the bartender at
Jonestown?
Suddenly a light is turned on in the corner, revealing a
seated Cesar and Antony Mario, the latter taking a painful
Gatesirita sip.
CESAR
Good job, not pretty, but good.
HAWK
Ah, the mafia, the cops; do I know
how to party or what?
Gates pulls out the horse and looks at it.
GATES
All this trouble for a horsey.
I may not know art, but I know
what I like.
HAWK
(to Dog picture)
You certainly do.
GATES
So when's that Sebastian-Cabot-
Buckingham-Palace-looking-
Butlerhead getting here?
ALFRED
Any minute now, dear Mr. Gates.
A malevolently snobbish British Butler, ALFRED, enters in
distaste. He makes a stressful glance to three VANITY
FAIRS on a coffeetable that has a photo of a MAGNETIC
HUSBAND-WIFE-DOG COMBO with the caption: MAYFLOWER POWER.
Hawk notices this.
GATES
Oh, sorry Jeeves. Gates-arita?
ALFRED
I'll pass. May I?
Alfred takes the equestrian model and with a jeweler's
loupe, studies it carefully.
ALFRED
Ah, such craftsmanship. Leonardo
Da Vinci's last commission for the
Duke of Milan. Irreplaceable.
GATES
Hey, Mr. French, I'm delirious
for you. Now where's my cut?
With dignity, Alfred SMASHES the ancient horse over
Gates's head. Alfred rummages through the debris
REVEALING a perversely labyrinthine CRYSTAL PIECE.
(recognizable from Da Vinci's workshop).
GATES
You son-of-a......I don't believe
this! You come into my house!
Alfred pockets the goodies, but not before Hawk can give
them a confused peruse.
GATES
I ought to take Big Ben and shove
it up your limey blimey bunghole!
A blade slides down Alfred's arm. Half-yawning, he...
ALFRED'S 180 DEGREE POV
spins before Gates and the bystanders behind him.
THE BLADE goes back up Alfred's arm.
The room's only sound is the stereo's inappropriate
music. Gates shrugs but his voice is off.
GATES
Like I said. Where's my cu-u-...
Suddenly a line across Gates's neck turns red and blood
begins to gush like a tourist attraction. Gates crashes
down upon the table holding the punch bowl and the stereo,
sending it to the ground, cutting off the music. The Dog
Poker picture falls atop the carnage like a lid.
Blown away, Hawk tries to wiggle his way out of the
recliner. Alfred pats some stain remover on the blood
on his shirt.
ALFRED
So much for his "cut."
(post-chortle)
Excuse my dry British humor.
CESAR
(rising)
Lovely work, Alfred, taking the
Concorde back?
ALFRED
Indeed I am, Mr. Mario. I'm
really racking up those frequent
flyer points...
HAWK
I hate to interrrupt you two
lovebirds...
ANTONY
You know, I think Gates promised
Hawk a cut, too....
The Mario brothers cackle out. Hawk tries to flail out
of his chair. Alfred turns to him and flicks up his arm.
Hawk sees his life pass before his eyes until he realizes
Alfred is merely pulling him up off the chair.
ALFRED
Ta ta, Hudson Hawk.
HAWK
(breathless)
Too-do-loo, babe.
INT. ALEX'S RESTAURANT--DAWN
Hawk bursts into the bar. Alex sits on a stool, reading
the paper.
ALEX
Did I miss anything?
HAWK
Oh, not much. Gates just had his
tonsils taken out. The hard way.
ALEX
Geez, Gates was killed. Who do we
send the thank you note to?
Hawk does a combat jump over the bar and begins to fiddle
with the cappuccino machine.
HAWK
The Butler did it. Guy was a cross
between Alistair Cook and a Cuisinart.
Dude took Mr. Ed and humptied
dumptied it over Gates's head. He
said it was made by, get this,
Leonardo..
ALEX
(professorial)
Ah yes, a rare Renaissance piece.
Da Vinci's "Sforza," an equestrian
model of a never executed statue.
I consider it to be the prize of
tonight's auction of objets
d'equestrian. Horse things.
The cappuccino machine sparks. A perplexed Hawk takes
a couple extra seconds to back off.
HAWK
Okay, you got me, Mr. PBS.
ALEX
(holding up newspaper)
Morning edition. Seems two thieves
"attempted" to steal it last night,
but thanks to three "courageous"
guards, it will be ready for tonight.
HAWK
"Attempted." At-tempt-ted! I'm
not happy about having to steal
that horse, but I do have my
pride. Face it, when it comes to
burglary, and sex, I....
Hawk takes the newspaper. There is a picture of the
Three Security Guards in a cheery pose behind the
"Sforza." Hawk squints to see that Security Guards One
and Two are still wearing the thumbcuffs.
HAWK
Boing. Uh, this I don t understand...
ALEX
Why try?
HAWK
(hurdling the bar)
Because I'm tired of not
understanding things. Cops,
Mafia, and butlers forcing me to
bust my ass to steal something,
which it turns out I really didn't
steal--it's fucked up.
ALEX
(pulling back newspaper)
You re not thinking of going to...
HAWK
Alex, my man, it's time to play a
little offense. Where's your tux?
INT. RUTHERFORD'S AUCTION HOUSE--NIGHT
Dressed in a not-quite-fitting but suave tuxedo, Hawk
enters the now well-lit auction house auditorium (chairs
all set out). Bored WORKMEN in coveralls lug equestrian
items on to a podium from the familiar freight elevator.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
...fan-taas-tic example of
Florentine marble... Who will start
at 160,000...160,000......180,000.
Someone raises their paddle as Hawk passes beneath the
hanging horses and finds an aisle seat near the stage.
Hawk scans everyone in the room before coming to the one
seated next to him, AN ENCHANTINGLY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
HAWK
All these years of attending auctions,
I still get goosebumps. The paintings,
the sculptures....the things that
aren't really paintings or sculptures...
THE WOMAN
.... the pretentious vultures who
don't even look up from their
calculators to see what they're
buying. Now that gives me
goosebumps. Auctions are
disgusting.
HAWK
I couldn't agree more. Savages.
The Woman laughs at his gear switch then catches herself.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Lot Fifteen, an equestrian sconce
attributed to the Cellini school..
AUCTION ENTRANCE
Big Stan, the hefty guard from the heist, enters the area
wearing a blue ribbon.
AUCTION AREA
Big Stan is walking in back of the seated bidders: An
oblivious Hawk in the foreground starts to scan VARIED
BIDDER-TYPES, raising their paddles to babble out dollar
figures; a GAUDY ROCK STAR and his GLOOMY-CHIC ENTOURAGE,
A KING FAROUK-TYPE with a BORED TEENAGE AMERICAN HOOKER,
and a scary NORDIC PRINCESS in a monocle and a tiara.
THREE STANDING ASSISTANTS frantically man a table of
phones set up down before the stage. One raises his
arm.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Sold! To the caller from
Newfoundland.
A STYLISH FEMALE ASSISTANT takes out an impressive replica
of the "Sforza" from the safe behind the podium and brings
it to the Auctioneer. The crowd a-a-hs... Hawk laughs
and shakes his head.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUTIONEER
And finally, Lot number 17,
thought to be lost in the war,
and again last night, the Da
Vinci "Sforza," the jewel of the
sale. Fan-taas-tic...
HAWK
(re: Auctioneer)
Is looking like a constipated
warthog a prerequisite to getting
a job in the art world?
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
There have naturally been questions
of its authenticity, so to verify
we have Doctor Anna Baragli of the
Vatican. Doc?
ANNA
(rising, to Hawk)
Some of us warthogs are more
constipated than others.
Hawk uneasily laughs as Anna makes her way up the stage
and pulls out a large magnifying glass. A look of
distress passes over her face. Hawk closes his eyes in
anticipation.
HAWK
Oh, the shit is going to hit the
fa--
ANNA
(suddenly serene)
Fantastic. Perfection. The
Vatican extends its jealousy to
the lucky bidder.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
We'll begin the bidding at 82.5
million dollars. To you, sir.
Eighty-three, Ninety--your bid,
madame--Ninety point five.....
Hawk opens his eyes in confusion. He scans Anna coming
off the stage, gliding toward the phone table. Hawk
floats into the aisle, curling toward her as she picks
up a phone and murmurs into it.
DARWIN MAYFLOWER
lOO million clams, Francesco!
The crowd orgasms as Vanity Fair cover boy, DARWIN
MAYFLOWER works the aisle, playfully mussing up the
appreciative, tiaraed Princess's hair, giddily high-
fiving the Rock Star, and sloppily frenching the Hooker.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
100 million dollars to Mr. Darwin
Mayflower.
Hawk turns to gaze at the enigmatically familiar figure.
Anna looks up from the phone to do the same. She
swerves her attention to the back-turned Hawk.
Darwin moves to one of two reserved empty seats as his
wife, Minerva, makes her entrance par excellahnce. She is
outrageously dressed with a mammoth Tiffany watch that
extends from her wrist down to, acting as a leash,
her obnoxious little dog, BUNNY.
MINERVA
Francesco, 100 million and one.
Darwin, to the crowd's delight, holds his struck heart.
DARWIN
Outbid by my own wench, quelle
bummere.
MINERVA
Poor baby..... Here, Bunny.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Fan-taas-tic, the bid is at 100
million and one dollars.
Commencing a slow motion sequence, Big Stan comes out
of the nearby office, zipping up his fly. He immedi-
ately scopes Hawk in the space before the stage.
The Mayflowers lower themselves into their seats with
devoured canary smiles.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Go-ing!
Big Stan pulls out his gun, untheatrically, as not to
cause a scene. Anna sees this and follows Big Stan's
eyeline to Hawk.
Hawk turns to re-pursue but stops dead at the sight of
the gloating Big Stan.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Go-ing!
Big Stan launches a gallop toward Hawk, who spins and
veers back round up the aisle.
The Mayflowers zero their sights on the activity.
ECCENTRIC BALD AUCTIONEER
Gone!
The gavel comes down in super slow-motion.
Anna's leg pokes out of the aisle, tripping the guard.
Hawk brakes at the end of the Mayflower's row and smiles
in relief, casually turning to Darwin and Minerva.
The gavel continues to come down in super slow-motion.
Both Darwin and Minerva Mayflower suddenly DUCK DOWN.
Smile vanishing, Hawk spins toward the stage.
The Gavel hits.
Breaking out of slow-motion into wide-angle, the entire
podium explodes sending debris, equestrian pieces, and
eccentric bald pieces searing into the screaming,
battered crowd.
Knocked off his feet, Hawk gropes into a standing
position. He sees the Mayflowers make a smooth exit.
He starts to give chase until he sees a battered Anna
rising from the ground.
A hanging white Tri-Star Pegasus, cracks from the
damaged ceiling and swooshes down towards Anna.
Hawk bolts upon some auction chairs and makes a flying
leap. He slams Anna out of the Pegasus's pulverizing
Path. They weary up off the ground and move down the
aisle, calm in a storm of packed art patrons.
ANNA
My God, that was bold of you,
you didn't have to do that...
HAWK
Forget about it--it was nothing--
anybody would have done the same
thing--It's an impulse...
ANNA
No, I meant you didn't have to
tackle me and rip my dress. A
polite push, perhaps? A clear
shout of "watch out, Anna"
would have done nicely...
HAWK
Excuse me, Milady. I would have
flown over and carried you up to
a pink cloud, but I left my cape
at the cleaners.
Anna touches Hawk's lips and laughs.
ANNA
("Hey, I was kidding")
Thanks tough guy, thanks a lot.
Why was the guard chasing you?
HAWK
(Serious answer?
Na-a-h?)
Because Danger, Doc, is my middle...
Before Hawk can finish, a hanging horse out of nowhere
hammers him into the ground and the viewer into
darkness.
FADE IN:
INT. VAN-TYPE AMBULANCE--NIGHT
Hawk stirs into consciousness strapped on an elevated
gurney.
HAWK
Saint Pete, hey I know, the whole
cat burglar thing, it sounds bad,
but I'll take the worst cloud you
got...
Hawk's eyes focus. The Mario Brothers hover over him.
CESAR
News flash. You're not in
heaven. Yet. 30 seconds and
counting, if you know what I'm
saying. Couldn't just play along,
could you...
EXT. THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE--NIGHT
The ambulance careens onto the Brooklyn Bridge.
INT. INSIDE THE AMBULANCE
Antony raises up a mammoth gun.
HAWK
Pretty class way of covering your
tracks. I think that auctioneer
landed at La Guardia.
ANTONY
Subtlety was never one of our
strong points.
HAWK
Neither's flossing.
A confused Antony touches his teeth with his gun hand.
Hawk escapes from one of his straps and launces a nearby
trayful of syringes into Antony's face where they ghoul-
ishly quiver. Antony fires a wild shot, shattering the
partition.
FRONT SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE
The Scarfaced Bodyguard/Driver, now in paramedic white,
freaks at the starred windshield.
THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE
The ambulance bumper-pools off some innocent cars.
INSIDE THE AMBULANCE
Hawk frantically tries to undo his other strap but a
howling Cesar, side-stepping his vibrating-on-the-floor
brother, latches onto the back of the gurney and wrenches
it backward.
OUTSIDE BACK OF AMBULANCE
The elevated gurney blasts out the back with a now
unstrapped but terrified Hawk whoa-a-ing atop it.
The gurney wheels hit the road, sparking.
A sheet from the gurney, caught on the door, yanks TAUGHT
--Hawk is "water skiing" on his stomach atop the elevated
gurney!
Screeching cars are weirded out by the new vehicle on the
road.
THE GURNEY
Battered by wind and fear, Hawk clutches to the gurney
and the sheet with a grit teeth stoneface.
The sheet is torn from the gurney sending it rocketing
off to the side on its own crazed volition.
Hawk skis toward a TOLL BOOTH WITH A LARGE GATE-ARM.
HAWK
Life don't get much better than
this.
He then sees he's heading toward an EXACT CHANGE lane.
Whizzing wildly forward on the gurney, Hawk scrambles
into his pocket and wiggles out some change. He fran-
tically winnows out some pennies and then maniacally
FLINGS the change from twenty feet away.
TOLL BOOTH
The change ker-chunks into the basket and Hawk and the
gurney JUST BARELY streak underneath the rising Gate-arm.
EXT. THE AMBULANCE
CRASHES through a gate-arm of another lane. Hawk and the
still-wildly whooshing gurney cut it off.
FRONT SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE
Cesar pops his head through the partition.
CESAR
Make him into Roadkill!
Antony, seemingly oblivious to the syringes porcupined in
his skull, pokes his head next to Cesar's.
ANTONY
Yeah, run him down!
Cesar and the Bodyguard/Driver turn to Antony and scream,
then all three look out the windshield and scream.
THE AMBULANCE
jackknifes over a stopped car and somersaults into a
fiery ball.
In the foreground, Hawk's gurney coasts down
A PEACEFUL OFF-ROAD
Hawk, with an unchanged expression of pure white knuckle
fear, comes to a tranquil gurney-wheels-gently-squeaking
stop.
Lit by the flames of the ambulance crash, a sneering
young man in wire rim glasses emerges from the darkness,
carrying a steel suitcase. He kneels before Hawk and
opens the suitcase revealing a complex computer appara-
tus. He begins mumbling into a cellular phone.
A malevolent, SILENT DEADPAN WRAITH passes him and
approaches Hawk. Both men are dressed in outfits that
seem to be a melange of fascist uniform and haute
couture.
On the fingers of one Wraith hand is carved the word
HATE. On the other hand is the word FROG. The Frog Hand
hands a befuddled Hawk a card. It reads: MY NAME IS KIT
KAT AND THIS IS NOT A DREAM.
Hawk looks up with a "huh" expression as Kit Kat chops
his neck, knocking him off the gurney.
The sneering computer guy hangs up his phone and pulls
forward a small cattle prod from his apparatus.
HAWK
This is the worst night...
SNICKERS
When it rains, it pours. Name's
Snickers. The plane leaves in 40.
Snickers zaps Hawk in the leg with his device. Hawk a-
a-ghs into a kneeling position. Snickers returns to his
suitcase and is passed by a PLEASANT YOUNG BLACK WOMAN in
the "outfit."
ALMOND JOY
Almond Joy. I know, pretty silly.
But it's better than when we first
started out, our code names were
Diseases. You don't know what
it's like being called Clymidia
for a year.
(walking off)
Whoops, forgot....
She deftly kicks Hawk across the face. Hawk angrily
bounds back up until he sees the BIGGEST MEMBER OF THE
GROUP Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum his way toward them. Suddenly, the
Giant clumsily trips over Snickers' suitcase apparatus
and ram-collapses into Hawk and the gurney. Laying atop
Hawk, Butterfinger goofily speaks...
BUTTERFINGER
My name's Butterfinger.
HAWK
No shit.
The mysterious group parts to reveal a much more mature
and cynically subdued man dressed in big lapels and a hat
that screams Old Time CIA. His name will be GEORGE
KAPLAN.
KAPLAN
Don't you just hate kids...
ALMOND JOY
George, you promised. No Old CIA/
New CIA jokes...
KAPLAN
I call them the MTV.I.A. Punks
think Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea.
They think the Cold War involves
penguins and...
HAWK
Don't I know you...
KAPLAN
You just might. I'm the guy who
tricked you into robbing a
government installation and then
had you sent to prison for it. At
the time, I was bald with a beard,
no moustache, and I had a different
nose, so if you don't recognize me,
I won't be offended.
HAWK
Bastard, you're going to need
another nose!
Hawk explodes upward. Everyone but cool Kaplan draws a
gun.
HAWK
But I'm not the type of guy to
hold a grudge.
KAPLAN
I used you as a diversion. while
you were getting captured upstairs,
I was shredding documents in the
basement. Deep down, I guess I
was just jealous. You were one
incredible thief...
HAWK
To what do I owe the dishonor of a
reunion, you centrally intelligent
scumsicle.
As Kaplan converses, Snickers and Butterfinger bring out
a mammoth empty suitcase and open it behind Hawk.
KAPLAN
I Want to make things up to you.
That's why I got you this gig,
doll. Hawk, my name's George
Kaplan and to quote the late,
great Karen Carpenter, "We've only
just begun."
HAWK
Three minutes, twenty-three
seconds. If you think I'm doing
another...
KAPLAN
Hush. My employer wants a meeting.
HAWK
Employer? The president?
KAPLAN
No, somebody powerful. Oh. Look.
what's that up there?
HAWK
I'm supposed to fall for that?
KAPLAN
Shucks. Guess not.
Kaplan savagely point-blank punches Hawk in the face,
knocking him out cold and into the mammoth suitcase.
Snickers slams it shut revealing a KENNEDY INTERNATIONAL
sticker.
INT. MYSTERIOUS BARE ROOM--DAY
Hawk slowly awakens on an exotic couch. He has been put
in an aggressively fashionable Italian outfit. He eyes
and touches his new duds with complete bafflement. He
then stumbles into a standing position to, mouth gaping,
take in a wondrous 360 degree view of Rome, Italy as "O
Solo Mio" blares on the soundtrack.
HAWK
No. Way.
Hawk's spinning view and the music on the soundtrack slam
to a halt as he zeroes in on the sight of Scary Butler
Alfred elegantly reaching the top of the staircase.
ALFRED
Welcome to Rome, sir.
HAWK
Yes way.
EXT. OUTSIDE INTERESTING BUILDING--DAY
Alfred opens the back door of an omnipotent, Mayflower-
logoed LIMOUSINE. The car moves off as Hawk slides in...
INT. THE BACK SEAT OF THE MAX-TECH LIMOUSINE
facing Darwin Mayflower who is blustering into the
cellular.
While he talks, Darwin shakes Hawk's bewildered hand,
then holding up one finger in a "be with you in a sec"
facial move.
DARWIN
For those kind of wages, I could
have built the factory in America!
They're Vietnamese, can't we just
give them more Bart Simpson shirts?
I hear depressing news like this
and I want to commit genocide!
(slamming phone)
Alfred, hold my calls. So, Hawk!
The Hawkster! What do you think
of the vehicle?
HAWK
You could host American Bandstand
in here. Why did you duck at the
auction, asshole?
DARWIN
Because I didn't want to get hurt,
taterhead.
A FAX MACHINE comes to life as Darwin babbles.
DARWIN
What can I tell you, I'm the
villain. Initially it was a
priority to keep a lot of buffers
between you and me, but since most
of them are dead now, I thought
what the heck. Hawk, you come
highly recommended. I would have
done some things differently at
the auction house, but hey, I want
to be in business with you.
Darwin scans the Fax message with annoyance, and then
shoves it into a violent paper shredder.
OUTSIDE THE LIMO SHREDDER
Shredded paper litters out of a vent on the outside door.
INSIDE THE LIMOUSINE
A simmering Hawk tries to explode but the phone rings.
HAWK
My life is not some deal. I...
ALFRED (O.S.)
It's Boston, Mr. Mayflower.
DARWIN
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
Those are valid points though...
Darwin picks up the phone and goes Mr. Hyde, while giving
Hawk "Can you believe this guy"-type gestures.
DARWIN
You better have a good excuse...
You better have a better excuse!
You are so weak! I'm only
thankful your ancestors didn't
settle America or else my name
would be Running Brave or Vomiting
Antelope...Really. Well, listen
close, babe.
Darwin holds the phone over a 50 cent piece-size siren in
his armrest. Darwin presses a button and a PIERCING
NOISE fills the car as it comes to a stop.
DARWIN
Shall we?
Darwin bolts out. Hawk hangs back, waiting for Rod
Serling to explain things, then bolts out too.
EXT. E.U.R. DISTRICT BUILDING--DAY
Hawk and Darwin head up the steps of an overpowering
fascistly marble superstructure. Alfred brings up the
rear.
DARWIN
So Hawkasaurus, I won't mince
words...
HAWK
Whatever. You own Boardwalk, you
own Park Place, you own the four
railroads. You think you're God.
For all I know, you're probably
right. I just wanted to have a
damn cappuccino, maybe play some
Nintendo after I find out what it
is. Man, why didn't you just buy
the horse? What am I saying, you
did buy it...
DARWIN
Oh... Let's see. There are
organizations that think we wanted
the "Sforza" for reasons other
than putting it in the Da Vinci
museum we're building in Vinci.
Hopefully, these organizations
think our plan has been ruined
with the explosion of our replica.
If I seem vague, grand. We want a
low profile on this, that's why I
got Kaplan and the Candy bars
involved. I helped George help
the Mario Brothers and Gates help
get you out....
HAWK
If you're pausing for a "thank you,"
give it up. So boss, you going to
tell me what the crystal piece
inside the pony means?
DARWIN
Way to go, Alfie! How many people
did you break that thing in front
of. Good help's hard to find.
HAWK
I guess that's a no.
INT. MASSIVE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
A mind-blowingly pretentious painting of Darwin, Minerva,
and Bunny hangs above a mammoth M-shaped conference table.
Lying atop the table in heels, shades, and a heart-
stopping dark outfit is Minerva. NASTY Metal riffs semi-
audibly spew from a headset she wears.
Surrounding the table is a VARIED GROUP OF OLD MONEY AND
NEW MONEY BOARD MEMBERS ranging from a nine year old
INDIAN PRINCE to a SWEET ELDERLY AMERICAN WOMAN. They
converse to the person at their side in businesslike
tones, oblivious to Minerva.
DARWIN
Ladies and gentlemen of the board...
The board members go into tableau silence. Minerva con-
tinues a brief sing-a-long before Darwin scolds...
DARWIN
And Min-er-va. Let's give it up
for Hudson Hawk.
The board applauds as Alfred pushes Hawk inside.
MINERVA
Hello......Bunny, Ball-Ball!
Minerva lobs a ball in the air. Bunny, the annoying dog,
scurries beside Hawk to catch it.
Moving down toward the other end of the table, Hawk takes
in the surreal surroundings with battle fatigue. He sees
ONE BOARD MEMBER take a luxurious sip of cappuccino.
Minerva paces up upon the table.
DARWIN
Hawkmeister, we got you clothes,
great hotel, and a 250,000 lira
per diem.
MINERVA
That's two hundred dollars a day?
So he can get a hooker and some
tequila. Veto, Darwin.
HAWK
Guess I know who wears the penis
in this family.
MINERVA
(jumping off table)
For God's sake, chain this
convict.
With a yawn, Alfred pulls out a pair of state-of-the-art
handcuffs.
HAWK
Alfred, you're a very polite
psychopath, but if you...
Hawk kicks out at Alfred, who nimbly moves slightly and
gives a pummel to Hawk's body somersaulting him over the
edge of the table, into an empty seat.
The Board Members politely applaud. Alfred pulls Hawk's
hands around his back and cuffs him. Bunny intensely
sniffs his crotch.
MINERVA
We want Da Vinci's sketchbook,
what do they call it, the Codex.
DARWIN
Listen Hawk, this might be hard to
believe, but I'm a regular joe. I
just want to be happy and happiness
comes from the achieving of goals.
It's just when you make your first
billion by the age of 19, it's
hard to keep coming up with new
ones. But now finally I got my
new goal. World domination. With
your help...Bunny....quit that!
MINERVA
Bunny, ball-ball! Bad bunny!
HAWK
Think he's already got today's
ball-balls. Five more minutes
please, it's been so long...
Minerva yanks away the yelping dog.
HAWK
Anybody have a cigarette? But
seriously, do me a favor and
Concorde me back to prison. I
don't care anymore. I hope you
have the receipts for the threads.
MINERVA
You go back, you won't be alone.
You'll have a diabetic barkeep
cellmate. You're still young
enough to have fun shanking child
molesters for a pack of smokes,
but "Alex" will go in knowing that
the next time he gets out it'll be
to attend his own funeral.
Depressing.
HAWK
You wouldn't risk the dime to call
the police. You have no proof.
DARWIN
Ah, the magic word...
Alfred plants a slide machine on the table and Darwin
starts clicking gorgeous images of Hawk and Alex robbing
the auction house, on a bare wall.
The Board members gush. The Elderly Woman gives a
thumbs-up.
DARWIN
It's veja du, Hawkhead. Something
you wish never happened. We shot
the entire operation with hidden
cameras behind the hidden cameras.
Hired the guy who did the last
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.
Excellent work... whoops, damn
Fotomat assholes...
A slide hits the wall of himself and Minerva kneeling in
Big Baby clothes with Alfred snarling over them, decked
out in leather. He clicks ahead...
Hawk looks away and sees that the Board members have an
annual Report-type booklet in front of them that reads--
THE DA VINCI/ALCHEMY PROJECT.
Minerva leans over in front of him.
MINERVA
Tomorrow, you're going to hit a
church.
CUT TO:
EXT. A MASSIVE WIDE SHOT OF ST. PETER'S--DAY
The Vatican stands in its glory, mobbed by HUNDREDS OF
LOCALS AND SIGHTSEERS. The viewer's viewpoint zeroes in
on the Mayflower limousine circling around it.
INT. THE LIMOUSINE
Hawk looks out from the back seat of the limousine
in stylish Italian sunglasses.
HAWK
I'm robbing the Vatican. The nuns
at St. Agnes predicted that I'd end
up doing this...
Two identical Twin Flunkies sit across from him, grinning
stupidly. Hawk pushes up his sunglasses with his middle
finger.
INT. VATICANESQUE MAP ROOM
Mentally casing the joint, Hawk gets some distance
between him and the flunkies as he enters into a room
that has a glorious, ancient Map of the World Mural.
INT. ANOTHER VATICAN ROOM
Hawk makes a scribble in a notepad before coming to a
Vatican guard, standing before a painting of a Pope
performing a Coronation.
HAWK
(half-hearted)
Excuse me, I'm being blackmailed
into robbing the Vatican by a
psychotic American corporation
along with a CIA...
VATICAN GUARD
"You're being".....uh, I don't,
uh...
A jaded Hawk laughs and pats the cop on the back.
HAWK
Forget it, man. Go tackle a
jaywalker.
INT./EXT. CIRCULAR OPEN AIR HALLWAY
Hawk comes out onto a circular open-air hallway. He
scans up to some rooftops and makes a note...until he
sees a line of International Phone Boothettes. Checking
for Flunkies, he rips one up.
HAWK
Operator, I want to make a collect
call to Alex Messina, New York....
The Flunkies drift into view. Hawk hangs up and seethes
off.
INT. HALLWAY LEADING TO CODEX ROOM
Hawk saunters down a long resplendent hallway toward a
room at the end bustling with excitement. Coming to the
mouth of the room, he looks to two gold framed mirrors on
either side of the opening, rubs his head, and scribbles.
INSIDE THE CODEX ROOM
Hawk takes in the majestic beauty, and practical details,
of the room--windows, statues, a Massive Ornate Lighting
Fixture--as he moves down one of the twin winding stair-
cases leading to a path of people behind velvet ropes and
the object of their gaze...
THE DA VINCI CODEX
--an old book enclosed in a glass case, propped open to
the familiar BEAUTIFUL DRAWING of a MAN inside a CIRCLE.
The case is located between two informational tablets
enclosed in glass columns. Enter Holy Da Vinci theme.
ANNA (V.O.)
But it is his gift as an inventor
who drew together science and art
that is most incredible.
Hawk brightens to the return of Anna, carrying a portfolio
bag, striding down the stairs with a group of INVESTORS
AND FAMILIES. She brightens back, giving him a quick
verbal breath and a hand squeeze.
ANNA
Tough guy. What are you--How's
your head.
HAWK
(vegetable)
Yes, and my giraffe loves it, too...
She laughs, going into her public voice.
ANNA
As you know, the Da Vinci Codex,
has lived in the Vatican for
centuries and will continue to
live here for centuries more.
HAWK
(under his breath)
That's what you theenk.
ANNA
Question, sir? His untiring pen
predicted the airplane, the
submarine, the bicycle, the
helicopter, and even the tank.
A LITTLE BRAT trailing the group, moves next to Hawk,
bitching away to her STUFFED ELEPHANT, POKEY.
LITTLE BRAT
This is so bor-ing! Do you hate
Italy as much as I do, Pokey?
(bad ventriloquism)
Si, senor! Italy sucks the big
one! why can't we go to the Epcot
Center!
The Little Brat stops and lets Pokey the elephant dangle
from her side. Hawk eyes the elephant strangely.
ANNA
These more dangerous designs
inspired him to develop a secret
code that ....
The stuffed elephant suddenly goes flying over Anna's
head.
The ALARM goes off. The Massive Ornate Lighting Fixture
swoops down from the ceiling, inverting in air, and slams
down over the Codex, transformed into a makeshift cage.
Strange green gas comes billowing out of the vents.
Needless to say, everyone goes crazy.
Coughing gas, Hawk peeks to see that a line of light
sensor alarms imbedded in the tablets are what set the
alarm off.
Two GAS MASKS drop airlinesquely from the mouth of the
entranceway and TWO RACING-IN GUARDS wrangle them on.
The Little Brat sees that Pokey the stuffed elephant has
been beheaded by the cage/lamp. She is pulled away and
spanked.
LITTLE BRAT
Pokey, come back!
Anna yanks a notetaking Hawk away as the gas blusters in
around him. The Two Flunkies, eyes on Hawk, are hap-
lessly making their way up the opposite staircase.
ANNA
Come on, this stuff will knock you
out. Have you ever had the feeling
you were being followed, Mr. Bond.
HAWK
Never, why do you ask?
Reaching the top of the stairs, just outside the door,
Anna briskly pulls Hawk into a PIECE OF WALL THAT IS
REALLY A DOOR. The wall closes as the Flunkies come
flying out, baffled.
INT. CIRCULAR STAIRCASE
Hawk, mucho impressed, and Anna move down a tight, dark
circular staircase.
HAWK
Whoa. Name's Hawkins, Eddie
Hawkins.
My nickname's Hudson Hawk, but don't
call me Hudson, not even as a joke.
The Nuns at St. Agnes called me
that and they're the ones who
helped make me what I am today.
Not a compliment...
ANNA
Sure Hudson. Are you going to
tell me why you did that back there
or are you going to blame it
on Dumbo?
HAWK
Could you believe that crazy
elephant?
Anna shakes her head as she opens a door into...
INT. A LITTLE UNDERGROUND SUBWAY--DAY
A four foot high mail train rumbles down the track of a
mini-underground station. Workers latch onto mail bags.
Hawk and Anna emerge from a small door.
HAWK
Whoa, part 2. Does it go to Times
Square?
ANNA
Delivers up to ten at night. The
Pope has an obsession with his
Easter Seals. It's actually not
that an unusual set-up. The
secret passageway on the other
hand....
HAWK
The Vatican is made of constant
mysteries meant to be enjoyed,
not explained.
ANNA
Nice. But right out of our
brochure.
HAWK
Oh, you read that.
ANNA
Actually I wrote it. It's a good
sentence. It can apply to people.
HAWK
You're not an unmysterious thang
yourself.
ANNA
I don't steal stuffed elephants
from little girls.
(smoothing his
jacket)
And I buy my own clothes. My
life's a little boring...
HAWK
God, I wish I could say the same
thing. What about having a nice,
dull dinner with me tonight.
Scrabble, Knock-knock jokes,
Anecdotes about famous dead
Italians....
ANNA
I'll bring my entire repertoire...
The Two Flunkies stumble into the station, looking
around. Anna and Hawk crouch down.
HAWK
And I'll bring my entourage...
ANNA
Secret passageways don't mean as
much as they used to. There's
a place two blocks east of here.
Enzo's. Say 10:30.
HAWK
Said.
Hawk and Anna peck each other with a smile. He crawls
out an exit door. As he leaves, Anna's smile disappears.
She pulls out a rosary and gives herself a self-scolding
bang on the head. She then darts to a large crucifix
and looks up.
ANNA
Father, it's obvious. He's up to
something.
Suddenly a speaker in Jesus's mouth gently crackles.
JESUS (Italian)
Report downstairs at once.
ANNA
Yes, sir.
INT. CATACOMBLIKE AREA
A CARDINAL paces in an enigmatic Vatican area. Anna
clacks up to him.
CARDINAL
Did he mention the Mayflowers?
ANNA
No, your Eminence. I think he's
going to steal the Codex, as
early as next week.
CARDINAL
Attempt, you mean. The vanity
of this man, Hudson Hawk. The
Vatican has foiled the advances
of Pirates and Terrorists. We
will not lie down for some
schmuck from New Jersey. Must
you flirt with him so realistically?
ANNA
That's the best kind. A wise
woman once said "Polite
conversation is rarely either."
CARDINAL
(chuckling)
Let me be the one to quote
Scripture. ....As an agent of
our organization, you are put in
awkward situations. Just
remember, Hudson Hawk is an evil,
evil man.
ANNA
(unconvinced)
Yeah. The big E.
EXT. NAVONA PIAZZA--DAY
The evil Hawk clumsily strides around a fountain, looking
off in all directions, soft-shoes past some sedate
painters and swings into...
INT. A BIG QUIRKY PHONE BOOTH
Hawk grabs up the phone and dials....
HAWK
Hello, operator. I'd like to
make a collect call to New York
number...
The Mayflower limousine creeps to the edge of the piazza,
behind an oblivious Hawk.
HAWK
Thank you, operator, thank you.
Hawk turns, putting a finger in his ear. Seeing the
limo, he FREAKS and balls himself into a corner.
HAWK
Come on, Alex, pick up, you
Reindeer goat cheese-eating
motherfucker.
INT. ALEX'S RESTAURANT--NIGHT
It is late night in New York. A phone rings atop the
bar of Alex's restaurant with no one in sight.
INT. PIAZZA--DAY
Hawk pokes his head to see a Darwin and Minerva (holding
Bunny) emerge from the limousine. As he turns his con-
centration back to the phone, ALEX HIMSELF flows out from
a building to cheerfully speak with Darwin and Minerva
and get licked by Bunny, before they all pile into the
limo.
HAWK
A-lex, A-lex, come on Alex.
Hawk slams down the phone and turns to see the limousine
pull off.
Hawk angrily bursts from the door and is painfully
CLOTHESLINED by agent Butterfinger, who is dressed as
a mailman.
Crumpled on the ground, Hawk kicks out with his foot,
into Butterfinger's stomach, doubling him. Hawk then
grabs him by the head and rams into the glass of the
booth.
Hawk rotates off for an escape...but the rest of the
CIA crew cuts him off holding barely concealed guns;
Snickers dressed as a maitre 'd, Almond Joy as a Bermuda
tourist, and Kaplan in his usual emsemble. Kit Kat is
dressed exactly like Hawk, right down to a bloody lip.
Hawk gives him a double take.
KAPLAN
Hawk, Hawk, Hawk. Enjoying
Italy? I always had a soft spot
for Rome. Did my first barehanded
strangulation here. Communist
politician.
HAWK
Why George, you big softie...
KAPLAN
God, I miss communism. The Red
Threat. People were scared, the
Agency was respected, and I got
laid every night.
A humiliated Butterfinger comes waddling out, holding
the phone. Kaplan rolls his eyes.
BUTTERFINGER
Sorry, coach...
KAPLAN
(shaking his head)
If his father wasn't the head of
Shit, I hate this, the
government's got me farmed out,
working for the Mayflower
corporation now, money beats
politics. War isn't Hell anymore,
it's Dull. Don't slaughter their
men and rape their women, just
steal their microchips.
HAWK
You know Kaplan, if you weren't
the slimiest pinata of shit that
ever lived, I'd feel sorry for
you.
SNICKERS
Good news, bud, the Mayflowers
have moved up the time-table.
You're hitting the Vatican to-night.
HAWK
Tonight? You're whacked. The
timing's off, I'm underequipped
Damnit, I have a date!
Almond Joy smoothly extracts Hawk's notebook and reads...
ALMOND JOY
Grapple, Biker's bottle, hairspray,
black turtleneck, Pocket
Fisherman, acid, collapsible
yardstick, softball, and 72 stamps.
Gee Stud, this is going to be
some date. No Harvey's Bristol
Cream?
KAPLAN
Snickers, make the list happen.
Oh and it's one thing to play
hide and seek with the Mayflower's
pathetic staff, but we're sore
losers. I've put jumper cables
on the nipples of children and
not always in the line of duty.
HAWK
Thanks for sharing.
KAPLAN
We blow up space shuttles for
breakfast. You and your friend
Alex would be a late afternoon
Triscuit.
HAWK
If you do anything to my friend...
KAPLAN
Yeah, right. By the way, as long
as I'm getting things off my
chest, I'm the one who killed your
little monkey. Made it look like
a Mafia hit. Did it for fun.
Ciao.
Kaplan and the crew quickly disperse in different
directions as Hawk howls in frustration. Kit Kat moves
behind Hawk and perfectly mimics him.
HAWK
What did you have against Little
Eddie, motherfucker? He was just
a monkey who liked to laugh.
Come back without your yuppie
army. I'll triscuit you, you
space shuttle eating...Shit.!
Without looking, Hawk elbows the mimic Kit Kat in the
face. Kit Kat gives Hawk a strange smile and hands him
a card that reads: BEWARE THE ODD STEPS.
Hawk looks up from the card. Kit Kat is gone, but
Butterfinger scampers in his place.
BUTTERFINGER
Hey, Mr. Hawk, I got those 72
stamps!
Sighing, Hawk takes the huge sheath of stamps.
EXT. INDOOR TRAIN TRACK
One of the small Vatican mail trains bullets across an
indoor track. The viewer's viewpoint whooshes to catch
up, focusing on a very large package, addressed to the
Pope, that has Hawk's sheath of stamps slapped onto it.
The train zips into a tunnel.
INT. THE VATICAN UNDERGROUND SUBWAY
The train rumbles into the Vatican mini-station. TWO
HARRIED WORKERS heave up the strange cargo onto a sorting
table.
A bell rings as a clock hits 10. The workers do a sigh
of relief. Shucking off their uniforms, they head out.
A hand rips out of the huge package.
INT. OUTSIDE THE CODEX ROOM--NIGHT
Hawk pops out of the secret passageway door and moves to
the mouth of the doorless Codex room. He pauses to
hand-comb his hair in the two large, framed mirrors at
the sides.
THE CODEX ROOM
Carrying the now frameless mirrors in each hand, Hawk
hustles to the top of the steps and suddenly stops.
HAWK
"Beware the Odd Steps."
Hawk crouches down and notices the step below him has a
clear magnetic tape running across it to a dime sized
alarm button.
HAWK
Why Kit Kat, aren't you a
gentleman...
Hawk bounds down every other one of the steps down to
where the Codex is bathed in a holy light.
He hefts up the two now frameless mirrors and puts them
each in a groove of a collapsible yardstick running
across the top. The parallel mirrors now face out from
each other. Hawk sprays a blast of Clairol to reveal the
light sensor beams, and then with a deep breath, he
thrusts the mirrors into the beams.
The light bounces harmlessly off the mirrors and Hawk
exhales. He balances the connected mirrors then crawls
through his tent-like passageway.
Hawk squirts acid from a biker's bottle on the cracks of
the rectangular glass case that holds the Codex. The
acid sizzles.
INT. VATICAN LIBRARY HALLWAY--NIGHT
A BURLY GUARD thoughtfully stares at a painting, fingers
propping his chin like an critic then continues ambling
on.
THE CODEX ROOM
Rubbing his head, Hawk gives an excited smile as the glass
cracks of the rectangular case loosen. Hawk pulls out a
pocket fisherman....
The viewer's viewpoint moves upward to reveal, through
the mouth of the room, the Burly Guard is coming down
the hall.
OUTSIDE THE CODEX ROOM
Burly Guard approaches the outskirts of the Codex room.
He combs his hair into the piece of wall in the now
empty mirror-frame then REALIZES.
Muttering Italian into his walkie-talkie, Burly Guard
rushes into the room and looks down to the sensor
deflecting mirrors.
He passes a statue, behind which, Hawk is revealed to
be standing.
Burly Guard approaches the Codex and sees the dripping
acid. He also notices a fishing hook attached to the
binding of the Codex. The fishing wire leads out of
the glass case. The Guard reaches to touch it when
suddenly the wire is pulled tightly upward by a
moving-out-from-behind-the-statue Hawk.
The Codex FLIES off its perch, setting off the ALARM and
sending the bizarre cage/lamp CRASHING DOWN and AROUND
the hapless Burly Guard. The green gas commences its
noxious billowing as the Codex swooshes into Hawk's
hands. He then hurls a softball, smashing a window
on the other side of the room.
The familiar Vatican Guard and a Guard Three barrel
down into the mouth of the codex room. Only one
Gas Mask drops from the doorway. The Vatican Guard
pulls it on and gives a "That's Life" shrug of
shoulders to the fainting Guard three.
Hawk puts on the missing gas mask and launches a grapple
around the ceiling cord of the dropped Ornate Lighting
Fixture. Hawk then Tarzans from one staircase to
another. He then ungrapples and heads toward the
shattered window.
The Vatican Guard waits a stunned moment before giving
chase.
EXT. THE ROOF
Hawk flings off his gas mask and begins a classical
skipping-across-the-rooftop jaunt. Suddenly a brick
on the slightly slanted roof gives way and Hawk FALLS.
His canvas bag goes skipping down across the roof,
landing against the antennae.
INT. THE POPE'S BEDROOM
A T.V. showing Mr. Ed. speaking to Wilbur in Italian
goes fuzzy. THE POPE, wearing his famous hat and a Notre
Dame bathrobe angrily bangs on it.
EXT. THE ROOF
Hawk harvests his grapple on the level part of the roof
and slides down toward the dangling-off-the-antennae bag.
The Vatican Guard pops out of the window and fires a
warning shot.
Hawk stretches to the bag. His fingers touch as the
Guard continues to bound forward.
HAWK
Please God, Please God.......let
the guard shoot me.
Hawk pulls up the bag and turns himself to see Vatican
Guard hovering over him on the roof.
VATICAN GUARD
The worm's on the other foot,
yankee noodle candy.
Hawk sees the Vatican Guard's foot move toward the
grapple. Hawk ferociously tugs, ripping the Guard
off-balance and knocking down a side of the roof.
EXT. TOP OF A NEARBY WALL
Hawk dashes atop a nearby wall and hurls his grapple
across a road around a tree branch. Hawk ties the end of
grapple line, tosses on a friction belt, takes a breath
and JUMPS OFF THE WALL. The viewer follows him on his
breathtaking ride.
The brused Vatican Guard flops back atop the roof. He
gets off a wild shot before crumpling back down.
HAWK
is alnost to the other side when the Guard's bullet hits
the friction belt. Hawk drops with a wild scream...
and lands with a painful straddle atop a street lamppost.
His eyes bug out with the thought of a life without
children. He slowly spins off the lamppost and sails
down upon...
EXT. A BUS
and the comfortable luggage housed on top of it. Hawk
tries to maintain his balance upon the wobbling
baggage, but the bus makes a quick turn and Hawk goes
flying off...
EXT. RIGHT INTO A CAFE CHAIR--NIGHT
Panting and discombobulated, Hawk looks across the table
to the female hands holding open a menu. The menu comes
down. It is Anna. Hawk unpretzels and laps his canvas
bag.
ANNA
Oh Hudson, I was worried you
weren't going to drop by....
HAWK
I never break a date. Scout's
honor.
Hawk does the honor sign with his black gloved hand
then quickly rips it off as a WAITER comes to the
table.
HAWK
Fettucini con Funghi Porcini.
WAITER
Bellissimo, signor.
HAWK
Oh, and could I have some ketchup
with that.
Anna hits her forehead with the palm of her hand while
the waiter's entire body sinks in disappointment. Other
TABLE OCCUPANTS sadly shake their heads.
EXT. ANOTHER TABLE--NIGHT
At a comfortable distance curled behind a heat lamp,
Snickers is being an Uglier American to an UNCOMPREHENDING
WAITER, while Almond Joy chuckles and Butterfinger spreads
butter over an entire baguette.
SNICKERS
Come on, Pierre, Steak-bur-ger,
Fren-n-ch Fries. This is France,
you gotta have French.....
ALMOND JOY
Actually we're in Italy, Snickers,
she said as if it made a difference.
The Waiter sneaks off. Butterfinger devours his bread.
SNICKERS
Italy, France, Moscow. They all
just wanna be Nebraska. Old Man
Kaplan thinks since Communism is
dead, we got nothing to do. Man,
Democracy isn't free elections.
We gotta teach the world that
Democracy is Big Tits, College
Football on Saturdays, Eddie
Murphy saying the word "Fuck"
and Kids putting their hands down
garbage disposals on "America's
Funniest Home Videos."
ALMOND JOY
Damn baby, when's the last time
you had a vacation...Jesus, I
gotta get out of this job. If
my Mom knew her daughter
assassinated the leader of the
anti-Apartheid movement....
SNICKERS
Quit bitching, you got the
employee of the month plaque for
that shit...Ah to be in Pari-is
and in love.
They look off to....
HAWK AND ANNA'S TABLE
Physically sarcastic, the Waiter brings a tall wine
basket with a bottle of ketchup in it. Hawk nabs it.
HAWK
This is bueno. They had the worst
ketchup in prison.....uh...
ANNA
Prison?
HAWK
I was the Warden?
ANNA
How long were you in?
HAWK
Let's just say, I never saw E.T.
ANNA
Wow, you were "in the joint."
"Doing hard time." It's funny,
but that excites me. I seem to
have a thing for sinners.
HAWK
I seem to have a thing for sinning.
sinning. Check please....
WAITER
Ah, anything for dessert?
ANNA
(she shoots)
Yes. Something to go.
HAWK
(she scores)
I'll bring the ketchup.
INT. ANNA'S HOUSE--NIGHT
The viewer's viewpoint pulls back, past the black canvas
bag on a table, to reveal a barefoot Anna is straddling
a bare-backed Hawk, demurely and tentatively studying his
bruises.
ANNA
What have you been doing?
HAWK
Uh....old badminton injury.
Anna giggles and bends to kiss a bruise. She stops
herself and opts for tickling.
HAWK
tickles, ticKleS, TICKLES.
ANNA
(not stopping)
Oh, I'm so sorry...
Roaring with laughter, they capsize onto the floor.
Hawk slithers around to devour her toes. Anna closes
her eyes and arches her back.....
She opens her eyes and sees a large crucifix staring
right at her. With a gasp, she rolls away from Hawk
and stands up, trying to brush off her sins.
ANNA
I'm sorry. I can't. I....
HAWK
(softly approaching)
Hey now, outside of a very
friendly dog this morning, it's
been a slow decade. I don't make
love every ten years, I get a
little cranky.
ANNA
It's also been a long time for
me. I--
Their heads fuse for a semi-classic screen kiss until
THE CRUCIFIX LIGHTS UP AND BEGINS SHOUTING IN ITALIAN.
HAWK
Catholic girls are scary...
ANNA
Somebody robbed the Vatican.
HAWK
Oh. No.
Anna slides on her shoes and makes a hasty retreat.
She bumps into the canvas bag. The Codex slides out.
They both catch it in mid-air. Anna's eyes pop. She
wrenches the Codex away and kicks. Hawk pulls her into
a compassionate back-against-his-stomach hug. The Codex
falls to the floor unharmed.
HAWK
It's not what you think. Okay,
maybe it is....
ANNA
You really went and did it. With
one day, not even a day, of
planning, you did it. Nobody
does it better, Hudson. You
started the week stealing the
Sforza and you ended it swiping
the Codex.
HAWK
Wha--
ANNA
What are your plans for the
weekend? Hoisting away the
Colosseum? Tell me, did the
devil make you do it or did
Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
EXT. A CAR OUTSIDE OF ANNA'S PLACE--NIGHT
Crammed together in the front seat, Snickers, Almond
Joy, and Butterfinger are watching the shadows of
Hawk and Anna up in the window. Snickers snaps a
cartridge into a gun while Butterfinger attacks a
goo-ey pastry.
SNICKERS
What's going on in there?
BUTTERFINGER
Do you want me to rape them?
(throwing pastry down)
Dunkin does it better.
SNICKERS
Just read, Butterfinger.
Butterfinger pulls up the book on Da Vinci that Anna
wrote and starts reading like a schoolboy.
BUTTERFINGER
"Da Vinci had fears about his
more dangerous designs, so he
created a shorthand code in
reverse script..."
ALMOND JOY
To yourself!.....What are they
doing? In twenty seconds, we go
in.
INT. ANNA'S PLACE
Foam shoots out over the coffee. Hawk smiles down at
it as Anna works a cappuccino machine.
ANNA
For two years, I've been tracking
the Mayflowers' peculiar interest
in three Da Vinci pieces. Their
Sforza replica was as fake as
the "gas leak" that supposedly
destroyed it.
HAWK
Does everyone in the world know
more than me? Jesus, I'm just
some guy who happens to be good
at swiping stuff.....Lifted a
piece of licorice when I was one
and a half. Who knew it would
lead... They even got the CIA
involved!
ANNA
The C.I. what? God, no...
HAWK
(raising his cup)
Ooh, I guess I do know something
Here's looking at you, kid...
THE CAR OUTSIDE
The agents burst from the car, guns raised.
ALMOND JOY
Now.
ANNA'S HOUSE
Hawk sips the cappuccino. His face immediately contracts.
HAWK
This doesn't taste like
cappuccino.
ANNA
Oh, I must have put too much
ethyl-chloride in it.
Anna throws a pillow on the ground and holds out her
hand. Hawk collapses. His coffee cup lands perfectly in
Anna's outstretched hand and his head lands perfectly
on the pillow.
The candy bars bash the door open, guns raised.
ANNA
Why didn't you tell me at the
restaurant that he had hit the
Vatican tonight. My people will
not be happy. I want to see Kaplan.
ALMOND JOY
That's not overly possible. He...
BUTTERFINGER
But guys, remember, he's in the
castle at Vinci....
Snickers and Almond Joy grimace into fake smiles.
EXT. THE CASTLE--NIGHT
A helicopter thunders up to the awesome castle from the
opening Da Vinci sequence.
INT. HELICOPTER
Anna pets the head of Hawk on her lap. She is pondering.
INT. A MYSTERIOUS DARK ROOM--NIGHT
A sparse circle of light houses a chair and a pacing
Kaplan.
Snickers and Butterfinger flop Hawk onto the lit chair.
Kit Kat is dressed exactly like Anna. She reacts as she
comes into the light. Kaplan takes the Codex from her.
KAPLAN
Way to go, Anna.
ANNA
When the Mayflowers find out we
have the Codex, they're going to
want to make a deal...
KAPLAN
(gung-ho lying)
And then we'll arrest those
greedy pigs... Is that it?
Hawk stirs. The viewer gets his woozy P.O.V.
ANNA
Actually George, it's not it.
What are we doing in this castle?
I happen to know the Mayflowers
bought this castle last year when
they found out Da Vinci used to
do...
The lights in the room come on to the sound of holy Da
Vinci theme, revealing an almost perfect refurbishing of
the exact same workshop Da Vinci toiled in in the
opening.
KAPLAN
(trying to be solemn)
It's the site of their new museum
and we're taking it over. Operation
Deflower Mayflower is going full
speed ahead.
ANNA
(taking it in)
Oh Lord.... the only reason I ask is
that Hudson, uh, Mr. Hawk, Hawkins,
had some "neat" things to say about
Darwin, Minerva, and you.
Basically that you're part of the
same car pool.
KAPLAN
Anna. Anna. Anna. If that were
true, Almond Joy would have
handed you your heart right
after you handed me the Codex.
Now, get some sleep. Kit Kat...
Kit Kat in drag spookily moves inches away from Anna.
ANNA
Cat got his tongue?
KAPLAN
Actually he never told us what it
was.
Kit Kat smiles, revealing the fact he has no tongue.
ANNA
How sweet. I trust you will see
Hudson Hawk is given to the proper
authorities. I recommend
leniency...
SNICKERS
(holding in a laugh)
Oh, I think we all do.
Hawk gives her a look of honesty and pain that causes
Anna to guiltily gulp as she heads out with the mimicking
Kit Kat.
SNICKERS
Do you think she has any idea that
Operation Deflower Mayflower is as
bogus as Kit Kat's tits?
KAPLAN
I don't think so, although bringing
her to the castle gave her a big,
juicy hint.
ALMOND JOY
With all due respect to that great
blouse, why didn't I cut out her
heart?
KAPLAN
Close call, but she's our only way
of keeping tabs on that damn
mysterious Vatican organization.
Hawk, it's time to go to the
principal's office....
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE--NIGHT
Moving into the chopper, Anna glimpses, Bunny, the
obnoxious dog, in a Mayflower logo dog tag, taking a leak
on some bushes. She fakes a yawn to the like dressed Kit
Kat who fakes one back.
INT. THE G. MACHINE ROOM--NIGHT
Kaplan, Hawk, and the other agents march into the mammoth
room of the opening scene. In the place of where one
remembers the gold machine are undulating sheets, beneath
which are unassembled parts of the machine.
Inside, a ball goes whizzing out of a tennis ball
machine. In tennis gear and goggles, Darwin Mayflower
thwacks it against the wall of (now faded) frescos.
Also in tennis threads, Minerva is laying on a chaise
lounge holding a gadget in her hand.
DARWIN
Seven!
Minerva turns the gadget up to SEVEN and presses a
button. Another tennis ball shoots out, a little faster.
Darwin batters it. The ball ricochets into the forehead
of an "amused" Alfred who is retrieving balls in sweat
pants.
ALFRED
Jolly. Good. Shot. Sir.
MINERVA
Ooh, it's Hudson Hawk, you cease
to amaze me, convict. You are a
terrible cat burglar!
DARWIN
Haven't you ever seen, like David
Niven? You know tiptoe in, tiptoe
out.
MINERVA
Like a "cat", one could say.
HAWK
Shucks, I'll just take it back.
Hawk reaches for the Codex. Kaplan pulls it over to
Darwin, who pulls up his goggles and fondles the ancient
binding. Taking a knife from Kaplan, he begins to slit
it open.
MINERVA
(bouncing up)
No, let me!
DARWIN
(pout)
I don't care.
Hawk looks away to the billowing sheets and the strange
machine parts behind them.
Minerva slits the bindings and tugs out another geometri-
cally perverted crystal.
HAWK
Another piece of the puzzle for
the Da Vinci Alchemy project.
Kaplan, Darwin, and Minerva look up to Hawk, then to each
other, all start to speak, then all stop.
This quandary is deferred by the entrance of the twin
Flunkies.
DARWIN
Oh, you. There's nothing more I
hate than failure. All you had to
do was follow the Hawk, it's not
like I said "Teach our nation's
children how to read."
Hawk uses the distraction to amble toward the sheets.
DARWIN
I guess we're just going to have
to kill 'em...
Shockingly swift, Minerva pulls a small gun from beneath
her tennis dress and blasts a burning hole between each
set of Flunky eyes, splattering them to the ground.
DARWIN
God Minerva, I was kidding.
A SHOCKED HAWK
quickly turns from the blithe carnage and pulls up a
sheet. He reveals the familiar Gold Machine Demonhead.
THE MAYFLOWERS
reverberate off each other with laughter. Bloodstained,
Kaplan and Almond Joy exchange an eye bulge. Minerva's
smile disappears as she sees Hawk by the sheets.
MINERVA
Get away from there, convict!
HAWK
Just browsing. Don't touch me....
Snickers touches him. Hawk smashes him in the jaw.
Snickers rears back to reciprocate....
DARWIN
Don't hurt him! We need him for
the final job!
Snickers stops himself, snarling in frustration. Hawk is
suddenly the happiest man he's been in Italy.
HAWK
Oh weeeeelly, don't hurt me? Even
if I do this....
Hawk pulls Snickers' glasses off and stamps them.
HAWK
And this....
Hawk knees Butterfinger in the stomach.
HAWK
Surely this must offend....
Hawk body-block-dominoes Butterfinger and Snickers to the
ground. Kaplan and Almond Joy aim their guns.
KAPLAN
That's it!
Playfully lifting his shirt, Hawk grabs Minerva and
manually swivels her hips to the beat of his.
HAWK
Things are getting a little loose
at the Da Vinci workshop tonight.
"Put your left leg in, take your
right foot out." May I call you
Minnie....
Hawk mambos to Alfred who rifles his blade up to Hawk's
crotch. Hawk stops dancing.
DARWIN
Come to think of it there is a part
of your body that you won't need for
your next job...
HAWK
Hey, guys, I've always wanted to sing
like Franki Valli and the other seasons,
but come on....
Alfred moves the blade a little upward. Hawk a-a-ghs.
MINERVA
Big girls don't cry-I-eye.
HAWK
Two minutes, 35 seconds. Damnit,
I'm involved in this thing, so I
just wanna know what this thing is.
I wanna be treated as an adult.
DARWIN
That's fair. Tomorrow. Back in
Rome. Now go to your room.
Alfred strategically Vulcans Hawk on the neck. He falls.
INT. DARK CONFESSION BOOTH--MORNING
The lips of Anna come into light.
ANNA
Forgive me Father for I have
sinned. It's been 1200 hours
since my last confession.
INT. THE CARDINAL'S SIDE OF THE CONFESSION BOOTH
The cardinal suppresses a yawn.
CARDINAL
Hit me with your best shot.
ANNA (O.S.)
I betrayed a man. A good man. An
innocent man. A thief.
CARDINAL
Anna, what are you trying to say...
ANNA'S DARKENED LIPS
ANNA
He came into a world where crime
is a legitimate business tactic
and a legitimate government
procedure. But he knew Right and
Wrong. Oh, and we kind of messed
around...
THE CARDINAL
freaks and goes into some Italian gibberish before...
CARDINAL
"Messed around" messed around? I
know-- I don't want to know. First
base? Second Base? Stop me when
I'm getting warm...
ANNA (O.S.)
A little petting is not the issue!
CARDINAL
Sorry. Seventeen Hail Marys and
five minutes outside.
INT. OUTSIDE THE CONFESSION BOOTH--MORNING
The Cardinal emerges and stands by Anna's confessional
curtains.
CARDINAL
So let me get this straight,
sister, you're saying Hudson Hawk
is not willingly working for the
Mayflowers but Kaplan and the
Candy Bars are?
Anna moves out of the confessional curtains, wearing a
FULL NUN HABIT for she is a Nun. The gaspingly beautiful
church unfolds as they walk.
ANNA
You got it. Operation Deflower
Mayflower is a bad joke and I'm the
punchline. I thought we were using
the CIA to help us to get Mayflower,
but really the CIA was using me to
keep us away from Mayflower.
CARDINAL
Oh, why couldn't I be the Cardinal
in charge of catering.... If the
Mayflowers get the three sections
of Da Vinci's crystal and his
instructions for the gold machine--
Aie-yi--Do we got anything? What of
Alex, Hawk's friend, where is his
loyalty?
ANNA
I'm going to find out.
CARDINAL
I'm sorry for losing it back there,
but you must remember, sister, you
have vows to God as well as a mission
to the world.
ANNA
I know, I know, your Eminence, just say
"God go with me."
CARDINAL
God go with you, sister.
Anna puts on the coolest pair of sunglasses, deliciously
contrasting with her habit. She moves off....
INT. ROME CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Beneath the wacky portrait, Darwin circles the board-
member filled conference table as Minerva smooches Bunny.
Everyone watches Alfred place a bar of Gold and of Lead
in the hands of a blindfolded Hawk at the middle of the M.
DARWIN
So, Captain Hawk, in one of your
paws you got a gold bar worth
about 8 thou. In the autre, you
got lead that won't get you
gelato.
MINERVA
Surely a master-thief like you can
tell the difference.
HAWK
("What's my Line")
That's two down to Kitty
Carlisle...
Hawk "weighs" the two bars in his hands--digs with his
fingernails. He rips off the blindfold in subdued
frustration. As Minerva speaks, she unconsciously
molests Alfred.
MINERVA
Cool, isn't it? Weight, feel,
mal1eability, they're all but
identical. On the periodic chart
of elements, they're but one
proton apart. Great minds worked
for centuries to turn worthless
into priceless.
HAWK
Alchemy.
DARWIN
(casually goosing Alfred)
Alchemy! Is the business term of
the 90's, my man! Minerva read
about it in an airline magazine
about four years ago. I dumped
some lira into research... Shazam,
we come across a diary by one of
Da Vinci's apprentices detailing
La Machine de Oro, the gold machine
for those at home, and the rest is
about to become history. Money
isn't everything, gold is. Fuck
blue chip stocks! Fuck T-bills!
Fuck Junk Bonds! I got the real
deal! Money will always be paper
but gold will always be gold!
MINERVA
Market crashes. Bomb drops.
Greenhouse effect affects. We'll
still be the richest, most powerful
people in the world. In 1992,
Europe is coming together to become
one business superpower. It's one
party we'd love to poop.
DARWIN
Well, that said, the last
ingredient in the recipe is in, get
this, you're gonna die, the Kremlin.
HAWK
Sure. The Kremlin. Makes sense.
The Kremlin. Why not? Listen,
this is all too Indiana Jones and
the Lost City of King Tut for me,
man. Throw me in jail and go ahead,
just try and throw Alex...
MINERVA
Jail, you asshole! Our foot
soldiers will blow your brains
out! Bunny, Ball-Ball!
Minerva angrily throws the dog off her lap and whips a
tennis ball into its mouth.
DARWIN
I'll torture you so slowly you'll
think it's a career! I'll kill
your family, your friends, and the
bitch you took to the Prom!
HAWK
You want an address on that last
one?
Bunny barks up at Hawk in anger.
HAWK
Bunny, not you too?
MINERVA
You've got a dilemma, tiger. I
think I know what's going to help
you solve it.
Alfred quickly latches on the state-of-the-art handcuffs
and the blindfold. The viewer's viewpoint stays on a
writhing Hawk.
HAWK
I'll kill all you. Even the old
lady.
Hawk kicks back on the table, "jump ropes" the cuffs,
then picks the lock with his teeth. Hawk rips off the
blindfold to see that the entire room is empty except
for Alex, standing at the other end, in an incongruous
Italian leather coat.
ALEX
I hated cigarettes until I saw my
first No Smoking sign. Keep off
the Grass? Let's play Soccer.
Only law I cared about was
friendship. Broke that one too,
didn't I? This Gates-Mario
Brothers-CIA-Mayflower-Da Vinci
thing seemed like a sweet deal.
Visit foreign lands, take their
treasures. I don't know, I thought
you'd get into it. It's better
than playing darts with M.B.A.'s at
the bar. I didn't know it was
going to be like this. Them using
me to use you... I'm sorry, there's
only one way out of this and it's
gonna hurt me more than it's gonna
hurt you.
Alex pulls out a gun from his jacket and clicks it in.
EXT. FAMILIAR PIAZZA--DAY
The piazza from the fascist E.U.R. building are bustling
with office workers laughing, smoking, and hustling.
Darwin, Minerva and Kaplan are a solid troika in the
center of the steps. The other agents stroll in the
periphery....
KAPLAN
I just don't think it was a
smoking hot idea to leave them up
there alone.
MINERVA
Don't worry George, this is the
reason we put the old diabetic
guinea on the payroll to begin
with. To keep Hawk in line.
They'll talk about "being buddies"
and "chugging brewskis."
DARWIN
(raising glass)
You gotta love male bonding.
As Darwin slaps Kaplan on the back, behind them, Hawk and
Alex come crashing out of the windowed doors of the building.
KAPLAN
You were saying...
Moving to the edge of the stairs, Hawk and Alex, latter
holding his gun, sprout up from their own debris and
continue savagely brawling. The wigging out passers-
by give them space.
HAWK
You bastard! You fucked my
freedom for a lousy job!
Alex trembles, going into a diabetic seizure. He shakily
raises his gun.
ALEX
Hawk... I'm so sorry...
Hawk roars forward like a bull and helmets Alex. They
roll together down the massive staircase past Darwin,
Minerva, and the CIA who react with "This can't be
happening" catatonia.
Two SHOTS go off as Hawk and Alex crash to the bottom of
the staircase. Hawk rises up in a daze to see Alex on the
ground with two bloody bullet holes.
HAWK
No.....Alex! Wake up, you can't
go out like this.
Hawk falls to his knees as Snickers hustles toward him.
Suddenly, sirens are heard as a police van pulls up.
Snickers stops.
Four policemen blast from the back of the van. One holds
back the crowd. One strenuously pulls Hawk into the van.
The other two drag in Alex.
The villains look to each other for non-existent guidance
as the van pulls away.
MINERVA
Plan B, anyone...
Using initiative, Snickers hops on a Vespa and roars off
after them. The van can be seen swerving off.....
AROUND A CORNER
where it bolts up into a much larger truck marked VATICAN
SOUVENIRS. TWO SEEMINGLY-INNOCENT-BYSTANDER PRIESTS break
demeanor to flop up the wheel ramps, slam close the back
of the truck, lock it shut, and continue on their solemn
way.
The TRUCK BELLOWS off as the Vespa spins around the corner.
Snickers brakes and looks around for the police van. He
hits his handle with frustration.
EXT. BEAUTIFUL ROME OVERVIEW
Out of her habit but still in her incredible sunglasses,
Anna looks out to a lovely view of Italy. The Vatican Truck
pulls up behind her. A giddy, blood-stained Alex and a not-
so-giddy Hawk bound out of the back. Alex excitedly gives
himself an insulin shot.
ANNA
Oh thank God, you're dead...
ALEX
It was so beautiful! When the
blanks went off, they...
Hawk's fist whooshes into frame and blasts Alex's jaw.
HAWK
You bastard. You fucked my
freedom for a lousy job.
ALEX
But I said I was sorry....
HAWK
No sweat, Alex, you only made the
biggest mistake of my life. What
was your per-diem?
ALEX
Don't act like you've never committed
a crime before, Hawkins? I know, I
made call, when Anna tracked me down I...
ANNA
Hudson, don't you understand...
HAWK
And you, Dr. Cappucino, you're lucky
I don't hit women, assuming you are
a woman. I'm not taking anything for
granted anymore.
ANNA
I-work-for-a-covert-Vatican-humanitarian-
organization. The-CIA-made-a-fool-of-me.
I-care-for-you...
HAWK
Oh. Well, what's this?
Hawk pulls out the Demon Head that was in the Mayflower
Museum from out of his pocket. Anna turns white.
ANNA
Where did you get this?
HAWK
You know, the place where you gave
the bad guys the Codex.... the
Mayflower Museum.
ANNA
It's from the machine. All they
need is the crystal to run it and
they have 2/3 of it already. We
can't let that happen.
ALEX
You're saying you want us to beat
them to the crystal and save the
world from financial disarray.
ANNA
Something like that.
ALEX
(pulling out plane
tix)
Well, forget about it. Hawk and I
are going to Rio. We're hurt,
we're tired, and a hero ain't
nothing but a sandwich. Right,
buddy?...
ANNA
Hudson, God's given you a gift for
cat burglary, you can t just...
HAWK
You better believe I can. I'm
sick of people telling me what I
have to do.
ANNA
It's that kind of selfish attitude
that...
HAWK
Selfish attitude? I'm just some
guy who wants a little nap and a
cappuccino for when he wakes up,
not too much foam...
ANNA
You re not "some guy" anymore,
Hudson. Right now, you're the
only guy. Without your help, I....
Anna looks to Hawk with a choked-up expression. The
weight of the world on his shoulders, Hawk turns away
to a lovely view, his mind painfully raging and
swirling toward peaceful clarity.
HAWK
The world is beautiful. Every day
in prison I made sure to remember
that. It's only when I actually
got out that I forgot. If I was
sane, I'd be on that plane to Rio.
But being beaten and abused to
fulfill some corporation's
perverted vision does something to
your mental health. The world is
beautiful and I'm tired of being
fucked.
(turning around)
It's Darwin and Minerva's turn to
bite the pillow...
Anna involuntarily does the sign of the cross. Alex
goodnaturedly does a jerking off motion.
ANNA
That was beautiful.
ALEX
I laughed, I cried.
Shaking his head, Hawk swipes the plane tickets from
Alex.
HAWK
Rio, Alex? After all they've
done to...Hey, these tickets are
for Moscow!
ALEX
(knowing smile)
Damn travel agency. That Kremlin
thing is in Moscow, isn't it?
A proud Hawk slaps Alex on the back as some passing
ITALIAN LOCALS stop to stare, horrified, at Alex's
bullet holes. Anna sweetly intervenes.
ANNA
Ketchup. Stupido Americani...
The locals give off a slightly dazed "A-a-h" and move off.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY
Wind blows through the shattered conference room window.
Snickers is banging on his computer apparatus at the
table with the Mayflowers and the other agents.
KAPLAN
We're all family now. My team
has done a lot of rougher things
than steal the model of a
helicopter.
SNICKERS
We're going to whack this place
so fast we'll have time to shop
for American imports.
Darwin and Minerva politely smile and then turn away to
each other with knowing looks. The computer screen shows
the familiar image of the Kremlin building that turns
into a complex look at interiors the viewer will later
see.
ALMOND JOY
Lucky for us, the Da Vinci is
located in a wing of the Kremlin
that they used to throw the Miss
Ukraine pageant and stuff. It'll
have the least number of guards....
KAPLAN
As for our plan of action,
anybody'd be insane to go in
from the ground floor...
INT. A VAN-BUS--NIGHT
A head-rubbing Hawk and a stomach rubbing Alex kneel on
the floor of a moving van, over a barely legible drawing
of what was so neatly delineated on the CIA computer.
Both guys are dressed as priests and are chewing gum.
ALEX
We're going in from the ground
floor.
HAWK
Geez, this Art Treasures Room
looks like a burnt diaphragm.
Hawk laughs and pops up into the passenger seat. Anna
is revealed to be driving in her habit. Hawk gives her
a kiss.
HAWK
Hey, don't take your disguise so
seriously.
ANNA
Uh, yeah. Guess I'm a wee bit
nervous. I'm sorry I could only
score clergy passports.
HAWK
Fits my new image. A thief for
the masses. This is one job I'm
not going to feel guilty about
enjoying. Gum.
Hawk, Alex, and Anna all spit out their gum into a bag
Hawk holds.
ALEX
The security's actually not that
severe.
ANNA
It doesn't have to be. Everybody
knows that if you mess with the
Kremlin, you'll end up in a
Siberian gulag eating your own
fingernails.
Hawk takes in some views of Moscow that remind one of
Budapest.
HAWK
Shwoof, that makes me feel better.
I can't believe this is the Iron
Curtain. All the guy at Airport
customs wanted to know was "Who
Shot J.R.?"
ALEX
You sound disappointed.
HAWK
Yeah, I mean, come on, going
through the Iron Curtain is
supposed to be crawling
underneath barbed wire, it's
supposed to be strangling a
guard...
THE VAN
passes a textbook shot of the Kremlin in the distance.
HAWK (V.O.)
It's supposed to be parachuting
in the moonlight....
EXT. THE TOP OF THE KREMLIN--NIGHT
Kaplan, Snickers, Almond Joy, and Butterfinger slam down
upon the roof of the Kremlin and discard their
parachutes.
Snickers opens up his computer screen, upon which is the
image-map of the Kremlin with a flashing blue light at
the top of the building and a flashing green one inside.
SNICKERS
We are the blue light. The green
light is where the Art Treasures
room is.
KAPLAN
Let's go make a purple light.
Where's Kit Kat?
EXT. THE KREMLIN GROUNDS
Dressed in cat burglar black and all chewing gum, Hawk,
Alex, and Anna crawl across the Kremlin grounds. They
scope out a shabby Delivery Entrance.
ALEX
Delivery Entrance. Low Security.
ANNA
Gum.
All three spit out their gum into Hawk's bag.
HAWK
Count of three?
ALEX
Why not just go now?
HAWK
Okay.
The Trio rush for the door.
THE KREMLIN ROOF
SOVIET GUARD ONE comes out on the roof to light a cig-
arette. He looks in the distance to the motivating CIA
team. Suddenly a card floats down into his hand.
It reads: WILLIAM TELL. ADAM'S APPLE. GET IT?
The not-getting-it Guard looks up from the card as a
grinning Kit Kat parachutes behind him. The Guard
swerves around and Kit Kat savagely skewers him with a
crossbow shot to his Adam's apple.
THE DELIVERY ENTRANCE
Hawk, Anna, and Alex race to the door, the latter
bashes it...
INT. GRUNGY WHITE FOYER
open and sets off an annoying hammer-against-bell alarm.
Alex all-fours beneath the alarm. Hawk does a Michael
Jordan vault off Alex's back and slam dunks A MASSIVE
BALL OF USED-GUM, pulled from his bag, between the
hammer and the bell, cutting off the sound. They rush
ahead.
EXT. THE KREMLIN ROOF
The agents are trotting across the roof when a phone on
Snickers' apparatus rings. Kaplan answers it.
KAPLAN
Everything's going fine, Minerva,
thanks for asking...
INT. NONDESCRIPT HALLWAY
Minerva chats on a cellular moving down a hallway, with
Darwin, who is holding in his laughter as if this was a
great crank.
MINERVA
I say who needs this Hudson Hawk
anyway....
INT. A GRAND BALLROOM
The good guys scurry upon the second level of an epic
and gorgeous ballroom. Two lush staircases lead up from
the floor. From behind a pillar, the gang checks out
the activity below.
A tablecloth is being wrangled over a large table at
the opposite end of the ballroom by SERVANTS. Threaten-
ing SOVIET SOLDIERS maneuver on the floor.
HAWK
(Wizard of Oz)
Oh-Eee-Oh-A-Whoa-Oh.
They then make a mad scuffle across their side of the
second level, hunkering down by the level railing.
As they move into another wing hallway, the viewer's
viewpoint moves back down to the ballroom floor to see
a gloating DARWIN AND MINERVA ENTER, the latter still
on the phone.
MINERVA
Everybody here, in Rome, wishes
you tinsel boxes of love...
The servants move away from the tablecloth and the
table, revealing that it is shaped like an M. A GROUP
OF SERIOUS SOVIET V.I.P.'s come out to join the
Mayflowers at the table.
THE ROOF
Kaplan hangs up the phone.
KAPLAN
Lazy, rich, condescending bitch.
The team moves up to the rooftop doorway where Kit Kat
is. He holds up an "About Time" card. The agents laugh
and greet them.
INT. A VERY LONG, ENIGMATIC HALLWAY
Hawk, Alex, and Anna pass through a set of windowed
double doors into a very long hallway that leads into a
pitch darkness. A MURAL OF A HAPPY, ARM-STRETCHED LENIN
looms above the doors. They give it a a quick glance
before pulling out screwdrivers and wire hangers.
ALEX
Eighth room down, babe...
ANNA
Guards come exactly every three
minutes....
HAWK
Three. Oh. Oh. "Side by Side."
Our trio charges down the hallway.
HAWK
"Oh, we ain't got a barrel of
money.
ALEX
"Maybe we're ragged and funny."
They reach a MASSIVE SPOOKY DOOR WITH AN ODD, ANCIENT
LOCK. They go to work on it. Not losing the beat.
HAWK AND ALEX
"But we'll travel along, singing
a song. Side by Side..."
INT. TOP FLOOR HALLWAY
With a gust of wind, Kaplan and the Candy Bars bluster
through the rooftop door into another hallway, where
SOVIET GUARDS TWO AND THREE are taking it easy.
KAPLAN
Create a diversion.
Snickers and Butterfinger calmly blow away both guards
with silenced mini-Uzis.
SOVIET GUARD FOUR rushes out a door before the agents,
zipping up his fly. Almond Joy twists his neck with an
agonizing SNAP.
THE LONG HALLWAY
Hawk, Anna, and Alex retreat beneath the Lenin mural
through the windowed double doors.
Behind the doors, they poke up to see a BESPECTACLED
GUARD emerge from the darkness to check out the door.
ALEX
Now that's a lock.
HAWK
Don't worry, we'll get it...
ANNA
Can I sing this time, too?
Please?
Hawk and Alex are not thrilled about the idea, but Anna's
eye flutter does it.
HAWK
Uh, I guess so.
The Bespectacled Guard moves back into the darkness.
THE BALLROOM
The Soviet V.I.P.'s open up presents of pink L.A. GEAR
tennis shoes, silly T-shirts, and Nintendo joysticks
as a standing Darwin hypnotizes them.
DARWIN
I look at you Soviet people and I
feel... pity... superiority. Most
of your life, your government has
told you that Capitalism turns
people into robots who'd rather
eat microwave sushi, naked in the
back of a Cadillac than hear the
laughter of children.
MINERVA
(smiling)
We're here to say, your government
was right.
DARWIN
So let's get busy. Have some fun
and make some deals.
AT THE LOCK
Alex holds a lit match into the lock, while Hawk
does something incomprehensible with a screwdriver.
They are improvising...
HAWK
"Oh this lock is a pain in the bu-utt"
ALEX
"How'd we ever get such in a ru-utt"
Anna suddenly, booms out the chorus in a way that Hawk and
Alex can barely concentrate.
ANNA
"But we'll travel the road, Sharing
the load. Side by Side!"
THE HALLWAY ABOVE
The CIA team saunters through corpses up to a door
similar in lock and design to the one Hawk and Alex
are working on.
Snickers's computer screen shows the blue light directly
above the green light.
SNICKERS
This is the room above the Art
Treasures room. The lock is a
Natalya Z-Z, first created...
ALMOND JOY
Snickers, baby, I love you like a
brother, but really, who cares?
Silencer bomb...
Butterfinger pulls from around his shoulder a strange
rifle. He attaches to the front of it;, a glass encased,
suctioning time-bomb from a waist satchel. He fires
the bomb against the door and it starts ticking.
BEHIND THE WINDOWED DOUBLE DOORS
come Hawk, Alex, and Anna, panting.
HAWK
That was close....
ALEX
Anna, I think you better stay....
HAWK
You can be lookout!..... Take
Alex's gun.
Alex hands Anna his gun, who glumly takes it like a Little
Sister not allowed to play. Hawk and Alex go back through
the doors.
THE HALLWAY ABOVE
The CIA bomb blows up the door with a weird silencer
sound. Kaplan and the Candy Bars giddily whoop as they
rush through the smoking door.
THE BALLROOM--SECOND LEVEL
Anna meanders across the second level muttering to herself
in Italian and amusingly imitating Hawk's condescension.
ANNA
"You can be the lookout."
Anna suddenly moves past the pillar to see the Mayflowers
and the V.I.P.S. She gasps and hurls herself behind the
second level railing.
THE BALLROOM FLOOR
A VERY DIGNIFIED SOVIET LEADER, in a SHIT HAPPENS baseball
cap, addresses Darwin.
SOVIET LEADER
Before we serve you "the main course,"
hee, hee, we need to know specifics
about what you can do for us. We--
DARWIN
Bluntness. How amusingly Hungarian.
Listen up, for reasons I don't want
to get into, I recently had to close
down a petroleum factory, but I'm
going to re-build it here and
Madonna's going to cut the ribbon!
Frozen burritos in Leningrad. 1982
fantasy. 1992 reality.
THE LOCK OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Hawk and Alex more frantically toil on the lock.
HAWK
"We all had our quarrels and
parted..."
ALEX
"But we'll be the same as we started...
The lock clunks open. They race through the doors into...
INT. THE ART TREASURE ROOM
Hawk and Alex weave through the room which is crammed,
with little nuance, to the gills with great art treasures
including an impressive array of Faberge eggs. A solid
gold hammer and sickle hang on one wall...
HAWK AND ALEX
"Just traveling along, singing a
song. Side--"
HAWK
Geez, this place is a mess...
ALEX
Voila...
They rumble toward an opening in the wall of the room
covered by a small curtain that has the Da Vinci Man in
the Circle drawing emblazoned across it. Hawk reaches
for the curtain. Alex puts his arm around him and speaks,
not sings.
ALEX
Side by side, man...
Suddenly, the roof above them explodes. Kaplan and the
Candy Bars drop down behind them.
ALMOND JOY
What the hell....
SNICKERS
You're supposed to be dead!
ALEX
I'm a ghost. Boo.
HAWK
I don't want to sound immature,
but we were here first...
KAPLAN
I wish I could think of those cute
quips the way you can, Hawk, but
I can't, so I'll just shoot Alex.
Kaplan point blank shoots Alex in the chest. Alex
crumples backward, moaning. Butterfinger, casually, but
with incredible strength, holds Hawk's arms behind his
back.
HAWK
No....
ALMOND JOY
That was pretty uncool, George...
KAPLAN
Sorry, you know he kind of reminds
me of Little Eddie. But I digress.
Ah, victory is so sweet....
Kaplan pulls back the Da Vinci curtain. Nothing is there.
THE BALLROOM BANQUET
A SOVIET CHEF lifts up a silver domed serving tray,
revealing the Da Vinci helicopter model.
MINERVA
Yum. This is the best meal I
ever had...
ANNA
bulges her eyes at the revelation. She pulls out Alex's
gun and bangs herself in the head. What to do....
THE ART TREASURES ROOM
Kaplan is bugging out.
KAPLAN
Damnit, this isn't the plan!
Blue light, green light, shit!
Snickers, Kit Kat, A.J., scramble,
see if you can find out anything.
They thunder out. Hawk, still in Butterfinger's
oblivious clutches, shouts..
HAWK
Can't you see the Mayflowers
double-crossed you...
KAPLAN
They may be scum, but if I get the
Da Vinci model back, then we'll be
roasting weenies on the beach.
HAWK
I don't think you'll appreciate
their choice of weenie.
Kaplan raises his gun.
THE BALLROOM BANQUET
Darwin holds the Da Vinci model in one hand and raises
a glass of vodka in the other.
DARWIN
You're helping us achieve a goal
and in return, I'm giving you a
key to the world's executive
washroom. Don't piss it away....
Skoal, amigos...
ANNA (O.S.)
Stop or I'll shoot.
Minerva and some various Soviet VIPS spew their vodka to
look up to Anna pointing a gun down at them from the
second level. She is shivering, shaking the gun.
ANNA
You people are immoral and
narcissitic and I won't let you...
In unison, the Soviet Soldiers surrounding the table
begin machine gunning up at her. She dives behind the
railing.
THE ART TREASURES ROOM
Kaplan lowers his gun.
KAPLAN
I can't believe this. I'm in
fucking Russia, or do I have to
say, the fucking Soviet Union and
I'm shooting a non-Bolshevick.
(raising back up
his gun)
I never thought I'd say "I'm just
in this job for the money." Sad.
Any last immature quips?
HAWK
No.
(a beat)
But why do you let Butterfinger
keep those blood stains on his
shirt?
Falling for the oldest trick in the book, Butterfinger
looks down to his shirt.
BUTTERFINGER
What blood stains....
Hawk bounces up to savagely head-butt Butterfinger.
Butterfinger slams back against a wall causing the Gold
Sickle to fall down around his neck and knock him to the
ground, pinning his head to the floor. The Gold Hammer
next trembles off the wall and crushes Butterfinger's
skull.
HAWK
You want immature, how 'bout an
egg fight...
Hawk flings a Faberge egg, smashing the gun out of Kaplan's
hand. Hawk pelts a batch more at him. Kaplan sloppily
whips some eggs back. Hawk finally smashes one in half
and beans the jagged piece into Kaplan's eye. He squeals
to the ground, geysering blood.
Hawk swoops down to a wheezing, breath controlling Alex.
HAWK
Alex, are you....
ALEX
I can't believe you didn't notice.
My weight. I lost ten pounds in
Rome
HAWK
You're a reed, man. I gotta get
Anna. Hang in there...
THE BALLROOM
Bullets stop splintering around Anna at the railing as
the soldiers fling out their empty cartridges to reload.
Snickers, Almond Joy, and Kit Kat race out of the hall-
way area into the ballroom area. They stop at the sight
of Anna....
ALMOND JOY
Anna-bannana-fo-fanna, I guess I
have to cut out your heart for
real now. It's not personal.
Anna feebly raises her gun. Almond Joy laughs and
pulls out a knife.
ALMOND JOY
You won't shoot. I read your
dossier... Sister.
The Soviet Soldiers snap in new cartridges as Almond Joy
moves out from behind the pillar towards Anna. The
Soldiers blast away at this newly appearing figure.
Almond Joy ruptures and vibrates in a Sonny Corleone
ballet.
ALMOND JOY
I gotta get a new job...
Snickers and Kit Kat militarily roll on either side of
Anna as their partner wilts to the ground. The men,
Snickers with his mini-Uzi, Kit Kat with his cross-
bow rifle, briefly leap up to fire down at the soldiers
with some graphic success.
Anna watches Darwin and Minerva head up the stairs to
her level. She bolts off....
BALLROOM FLOOR
The last of the Soviet VIPS flee as the Soldiers tip
over the M shaped table on its side, using it for
cover, firing upward.
KIT KAT
breaks off and scurries around the second level to get
a position behind the M.
He fires down an arrow for a successful kill. Another
guard tries to fire up, but Kit Kat impales him to the
back of the table with a quality shot.
Kit Kat grins and reloads as Alfred, the butler, regally
creeps behind him.
HAWK
comes out of the long hallway double doors up to where
Anna is bustling. They hug...
ANNA
The Mayflowers got...
Hawk and Anna turn to see the Mayflowers hastening in
their direction. Noticing them back, the model-toting
Mayflowers halt.
KIT KAT
turns to Alfred and fires his crossbow. Alfred effort-
lessly cuts it in half with his blade and continues
to move forward. Still smiling, Kit Kat tries to reload.
MINERVA
breaks the standstill.
DARWIN
What a pleasant surprise. You're
probably wondering...
HAWK
But you're going to tell us
anyway...
MINERVA
I hate a man with a sense of
humor. While you corn dogs were
comparing the lengths of your
masculinity, we obtained the
helicopter the new fashioned
way: a thoroughly corrupt business
deal.
HAWK
If you think you're getting past
me...
Grunting behind them, Snickers gun-butts Hawk to the
ground.
HAWK
Don't be stupid...they...
SNICKERS
Bastard! If you were a true
American.
HAWK
Just shut up and hit me!
Snickers swings a punch. Hawk blocks it then whomps
him in the chest.
As they battle, Darwin grabs Anna's hair, slams her
into a pillar, and watches her crumple.
KIT KAT
gets in an arrow but it's too late. Alfred stabs
him deep, deep, deeply, and lifts him from the ground.
A shower of cards reading "OUCH" "PAIN" and "THIS REALLY
HURTS" rain from out of Kit Kat's coat.
Alfred discards him over the edge.
Kit Kat sails down upon the M.
The lone card of "FUCK" plops from his open eyed corpse.
HAWK
and Snickers trades fierce blows, stumbling down a
staircase.
DARWIN
and Minerva watch the fight with amusement. Alfred
approaches.
DARWIN
Alfred, the getaway car...
SNICKERS
slashes Hawk in the arm with a small but sinister blade.
HAWK
Damnit, I hate this! I'm a cat
burglar! Nobody said anything
about this fight-to-the-death
shit.
SNICKERS
Too bad.
Snickers goes for a final thrust when suddenly one of the
silencer time bombs suctions to his head.
Hawk turns to see Alex, barely standing, at the top of
the stairs, holding the strange rifle.
Darwin and Minerva turn to this dramatic entrance. They
start to trot off...
MINERVA
I knew it! I told you it was a
fake.
DARWIN
That New-York-Italian-Father-
made-twenty-bucks-a-week-son-
of-a-bitch. What was our bet? A
million?
MINERVA
Million five, lover...
HAWK
boots Snickers down the stairs. Snickers somersaults
up and frantically tries to pull off the bomb.
Snickers wails to the soldiers, who have lowered their
guns and are poking their heads out of the M to watch.
SNICKERS
Help me you Democratic Reform
lovers! Get a screwdriver, you
Stupid Eskimoes! Screw-dri-ver!
Oh God, I always wanted to know
how to play the harp, there
just was so little time! Rosebud!
The soldiers high-tail it out. Snickers plugs his ears.
Nothing happens.
SNICKERS
Maybe it was just a....
Snickers blows up gloriously before the M.
THE STAIRCASE
Hawk bounds up to Alex, who puffs down onto the steps.
ALEX
Get 'em. They went down the
hallway.
HAWK
Let's just forget it, I mean...
ALEX
Get em....
Hawk rushes up the. stairs, gives a "What can I do?" glance
to the unconscious Anna, and then continues rushing, past
a pillar. Minerva emerges from behind the pillar and
moves forward.
THE LONG ENIGMATIC HALLWAY
Hawk chugs beneath the Lenin mural and down the hall-
way. He sees Darwin breezing in front of him. Darwin
looks back to Hawk then runs forward into the darkness.
THE BALLROOM
Minera sits down next to the pained Alex.
MINERVA
Alex. How's it going?
ALEX
Go, go to Hell, to Hell.
Minerva pulls out a candy bar and rips it open.
MINERVA
Where's your insulin....No? Well,
Bon Appetite.
Minerva savagely slams Alex's head down and shoves the
candy bar in his mouth.
THE HALLWAY
Hawk moves closer and closer to the darkness of the
hallway when a one-eyed and bleeding George Kaplan dives
out of the Art Treasures room and tackles him. Hawk
kicks him off...
HAWK
Oh, come on....
THE BALLROOM
Alex gulps down the last of the candy bar, shivering.
MINERVA
Very good, Alex, but you re
still alive....
She pulls out another candy bar. Alex, with a last
burst of strength, punches her across the face.
MINERVA
That's fair.
THE LONG HALLWAY
Hawk and Kaplan lock onto each other's throats.
HAWK
Why does this have to be so hard...
KAPLAN
Tell me about it...
Suddenly, of all things, a car is heard rumbling in the
darkness.
Hawk and Kaplan stop fighting and turn to see THE MAY-
FLOWER LIMOUSINE screeching out of the darkness with
Darwin standing out of the sunroof firing a gun.
Bullets fly around them. From his back pocket, Hawk
slaps the nice picture of him and Little Eddie into
Kaplan's hands.
HAWK
Take this to Hell with you...
Hawk jumps up and grabs a hanging lamp.
Deranged with confusion, Kaplan turns from the picture
to the charging limousine.
KAPLAN
My pension.....
The driving Alfred smiles through the windshield.
Kaplan's body slams into a vivid somersaulting crash
into the windshield.
Hawk's hands burn and sizzle on the hanging lamp.
Passing beneath, Darwin raises up his gun.
Hawk lets go of the lamp and drops down on Darwin,
locking his legs around his neck and crushing him
down into....
THE BACKSEAT OF THE LIMOUSINE
Hawk and Darwin grapple on the floor of the limo. The
Da Vinci helicopter model bobs on the backseat. Darwin's
gun goes off..
right through Alfred's throat. He slumps over, pressing
down on the accelerator.
THE LIMOUSINE
blasts down the hallway, sparking off the wall, and
bashing off paintings and mirrors.
THE BACKSEAT
Darwin flicks on his paper shredder and shoves the side
of Hawk's hand into its teeth.
OUTSIDE THE LIMOUSINE
A mist of blood coughs out of the shredder vent and makes
a weird bloody line across the wall.
INT. BACKSEAT
Hawk yanks his hand from the shredder and grabs the meg-
lomaniac by the hair and shoves his head down on the
arm rest. Hawk turns on the piercing siren and Darwin's
eyes try to escape his head with a high pitched scream.
Darwin's entire body bucks wildly.
Darwin back-elbows Hawk and moves down for his gun.
Hawk pulls him back by his hair, grabs him by the balls,
and pushes him upward through the sunroof.
DARWIN
God-damnit, I only wanted to
destroy the world in my own image.
I'm a regular Joe...
Darwin pounds his fists on Hawk's head as Hawk hits the
sunroof switch sliding it shut on Darwin, pinning
his arms below the roof, but leaving his torso twisting
in the wind.
The mural of a happy Lenin with his arms outstretched
looms ahead waiting to greet Darwin.
Putting two and two together, Darwin loses it....
DARWIN
Not Lenin, anybody but Lenin. God,
let's talk abut this.
The limousine charges through the double doors and Darwin's
body connects with the mural.
INSIDE THE LIMO
Hearing the crunch, Hawk flips into the front seat and
brakes the vehicle. Alfred's head bounces against the
steering wheel. Hawk reaches over with a grin and picks
up the Da Vinci model. He looks to Alfred, Kaplan
crunched in the windshield, and Darwin's dangling legs.
HAWK
Wow, this is really gonna hurt the
resale value...
THE BALLROOM
Hawk runs up to a woozy Anna and helps her up. She has
a cross-shaped blood stain on her forehead.
HAWK
Oh, honey....
Hawk looks to Alex, sitting on the stairs, the same way
he left him. Hawk rushes to him.
HAWK
We did it man, we...
Hawk grabs Alex's shoulder. Alex falls back. Written
over his face in red lipstick is REALLY DEAD.
Engaging a slow motion sequence, Minerva saunters behind
Anna, putting on red lipstick. Minerva slams her back
to the ground.
Hawk howls then turns to see stiff-upper-lip Alfred,
bleeding from the neck. Hawk tries to throw a punch,
but Alfred blocks it and crunches him across the face.
The Da Vinci helicopter model bounces down the stairs
in slow motion and cracks open, revealing the intricate
mirror of the opening scene.
INT. DARK ROOM ATOP MAYFLOWER MUSEUM--DAY
A damaged Hawk awakens in a dungeonish room and stumbles
to some shutters. "O Solo Mio" returns on the sound-
track as the shutters open to a postcard view of Vinci.
Hawk closes the shutters and cuts off the music. A
slightly more composed Anna touches his shoulder causing
him to jump slightly. They melt into a kiss.
ANNA
Oh Hudson...
HAWK
I told you not to call me Hudson.
The only people who called me that
were the nuns at...
ANNA
Oh Hudson, I'm a sister of the
Catholic church as well as an
agent.
HAWK
(cut-off laugh)
This is too bad to be false.
Alfred enters the room in his favorite outfit with a
bandage around his neck. His voice is strange, but still
polite.
ALFRED
Welcome back to Vinci.
HAWK
Last rites, sister?
ANNA
Please, no nun jokes...They're a
bad habit to get into....get it?
Hawk and Anna unconvincingly laugh then sadly pause.
HAWK
She killed Alex.
Alfred gives them a push.
INT. THE DA VINCI WORKSHOP
Alfred leads them through the Da Vinci workshop past the
bat winged glider and incongruously crammed-in tennis ball
machine.
INT. THE ROOM OF THE GOLD MACHINE--DAY
Alfred grandly opens double-doors to reveal that Da
Vinci's gold machine has been majestically re-created
piece by piece. In the periphery, the 90's rears its
head in the form of THREE TECHNICIANS wearing headsets
and gun holsters who consult computer terminals.
MINERVA (O.S.)
GOLD-FI-ING-ER!
Hawk and Anna turn to see Minerva splashily enter in
sexy funeral-wear.
MINERVA
Sorry, I couldn't resist. You're
probably wondering why you're
still alive. Anna.....
As Minerva speaks, TECHNICIAN ONE forcibly escorts Anna
toward a stand near the gold machine and tightly
handcuffs her to it.
MINERVA
I want you to monitor the Da
Vinci's directions from the
apprentice diary. And Hawk, I
didn't want you to go to hell
without knowing that Darwin and
I's dream came true.
(suddenly sheepish)
Beside that, none of us can seem
to put that damn crystal together.
Alfie and I were up all night with
the thing.
TECHNICIAN TWO commences a forcible escort of Hawk to the
gold machine. Hawk cold-cocks him to the ground.
HAWK
You killed a friend. Why should I
help you go for the gold?
MINERVA
It'll take a couple of years of
steady production, but I'll flood
the market with so much gold that
gold itself, the foundation of all
finance, will lose its meaning.
Brokers, economists, and fellow
entrepreneurs will drown in the
saliva of their own nervous
breakdowns. Markets will crash-
crash. Financial Empires will
crumble-crumble.
HAWK
Except yours-yours. The goal of
world domination. Well, if you
put it that way, Minnie. How can
I resist?
MINERVA
You can't, convict! You're just
a shmoe! Every shmoe has the
fantasy the planet revolves around
them. It rains, car crash stops
traffic, you say "How could this
happen to me?" It's a natural
inclination. But for I, this
isn't a fantasy, it is reality!
You are on my planet! You walk
around the corner for coffee, out
of my sight, you do not fucking
exist! The lives of shmoes like
you have meaning only in relation
to the rich, to the powerful, to ME!
Anna looks at the oil cloth diary before her. She pulls
a compact from her pocket and holds the compact mirror
over the scribblings. Reading off the reflection, her
eyes widen.
ANNA
Do it. There's no reason to fight
anymore. She's a force of nature.
Trying to get a grip on Anna's words, Hawk lets himself
be escorted to another stand before the gold machine that
has the two complex crystal parts and the weird mirror.
MINERVA
If you pull this off, I can't
promise I won't kill you. I mean,
who we trying to kid? But I will
spare the Flying Nun here....
HAWK
And to think I thought you were
Evil Incarnate in pumps.
MINERVA
I killed some lovable working
class Italian-diabetic, but you
killed the most significant male
figure of the decade and a kind,
gentle lover. So don't play with
me.
Minerva flicks a switch on the stand Anna's handcuffed
to. Anna vibrates, being electrocuted.
HAWK
Okay, fine!
Minerva switches it off. Giving himself a head rub, Hawk
bears down on the three oddly malleable objects. He
TANGLES and BENDS and with a loud SNAP, puts them
together, forming the Crystal from the opening scene.
Minerva snatches it from him and puts on a head-set.
MINERVA
Oh Hawk, don't ever change. Go,
team, go!
Minerva giddily sets the crystal in the same place as Da
Vinci had it in his machine.
Using a long steel pole, Technician One adjusts a myriad
of mirrors so they are in a proper angle with a series
of lenses culminating on the top of the machine.
Technicians Two (black-eyed) and Three pour various
chemical powders and liquids into corresponding compart-
ments on the machine, beautifully decorated by the
chemical's zodiac sign.
Alfred places a lead bar in its proper place.
Hawk glides to Anna and undoes her handcuff.
HAWK
I hope you know what....
ANNA
Trust Leonardo....
HAWK
Wha.....
Anna puts her fingers on his lips.
Minerva throws a lever. Steam begins to percolate from
the furnace towards the machine.
MINERVA
(into the headset)
We're for real.
THE MACHINE
begins to rotate, at first clunkily, then faster.
The Crystal rotates comfortably in its compartment.
The machine throws out its folding arms, each with an
element. The arms click higher.
The goggled technicians stand before a time-coded video
monitor, taking notes.
The chemical housings open and the chemicals begin to
spill and drop through brass tubes.
ANNA
murmurs to Hawk.
ANNA
Da Vinci made the real directions
in a secret script that I decoded.
The way the machine is running
now, the gold will produce too
quickly, clog, and the machine
will shut itself down. Isn't it
wonderful?
HAWK
Yeah, but what would happen if that
little mirror came out of the
crystal.
ANNA
Wha -- you don't want to know...
Hawk pulls out the mirror from his pocket.
HAWK
I wanna know...
ANNA
Holy sh-h--things are going to
get very interesting, very fast.
Da Vinci would be proud of you.
IN THE MACHINE
The chemicals snake down their individual paths to the
Lead Bar spinning its trough. There's a FLASH and a
controlled but jarring explosion.
EVERYONE
doubletakes. Hawk reaches down to the six foot steel
pole and with one swing slams the faces of all three
deep in concentration Technicians to the ground.
Oblivious to the violence behind her, Minerva, pulling
on goggles over her head-set, moves closer with a
religious purr.
THE MACHINE
triggers a fresnel lens and laserlike beams bounce around
the mirrors faster and faster, circling the room.
OUTSIDE THE MACHINE
Hawk and Anna squint, blinded. Flinging off her goggles,
A literally beaming Minerva giggles forward.
THE MACHINE
Beams of light converge on the top mirror and bounce into
the innards of the machine with a mighty roar!
MINERVA
sees that the center of the machine gleams yellowish and
molten. She moves closer, shouting into her head-set.
MINERVA
Eureka, motherfuckers!
The machine thunders and spins at a more aggressive
pace.
Hawk's voice suddenly comes on Minerva's head-set.
HAWK'S VOICE (head-set)
Minnie, hate to interrupt your
orgasm, but....
HAWK AND ANNA
stand above the unconscious Technicians. Hawk is on
head-set.
HAWK
Me, Anna, and Leonardo just wanna
say you got the Midas touch, baby...
MACHINE
Minerva turns toward the machine in anger and confusion.
The center of the machine blows. The pool of molten gold
rockets at the viewer.
Mirrors explode and the lasers slash at the walls.
Minerva tumbles from the machine, screaming, that is to
say, trying to scream, because molten gold covers her
face. It bubbles and cascades, turning her into a
bizarrely beautiful echo of Nefertiti.
HAWK AND ANNA
turn to retreat, and see, standing in the mouth of the
open double doors, in an open shirt, wearing Indian war
paint on his face and the words RULE BRITANNIA painted
on his chest, ALFRED!
ALFRED
How.
HAWK
You're unemployed, Alfie. Boss
is dead. Her plan is over.
ALFRED
(strange voiced)
My plan is just beginning. I'll
forgive you for denying me the
pleasure of slaughtering my
boorish employers, but I'm afraid
the birth of the new British
Empire can have no witnesses!
HAWK
Ooh-kay...
Alfred rushes forward with a howl. Hawk meets him
halfway. They trade savage punches and then lock onto
each other's throats.
Anna pulls a gun from a technician's holster and prays
for forgiveness. She aims steadily, and fires...
right into Hawk's arm. This allows Alfred to knock him
back with a strong punch.
ANNA
Sorry!
She fires again. The bullet pings off Hawk's belt buckle.
HAWK
Stop helping me! Thou shalt not
kill!
Hawk's turning to chastize Anna, allows Alfred to kick
Hawk back against a wall. Alfred lunges out with his
blade, hitting the wall off-angle. Hawk yanks the shaft.
Alfred goes with the flow and presses the shaft on Hawk's
throat.
Gasping, Hawk looks to a rip in Alfred's shirt and sees
a hinge and lever on the shaft. With an all or nothing
jerk, Hawk flicks the lever. The shaft clicks on the
hinge.
Alfred's greater strength and narrower grip makes it fold
away from Hawk and suddenly it is Alfred's throat which
is caught in the V-shaped trap! The momentum of the
sudden change makes Alfred stumble towards the wall until
the point of the "V" hits it--
HAWK
Don't lose your head over this.
Hawk takes the six foot steel pole and gives a Babe Ruth
swing right onto the V. The blades slam together and
POP ALFRED'S HEAD OFF, SENDING IT SCREAMING DISEMBODIED,
HIGH IN THE AIR.
ALFRED'S SCREAMING HEAD P.O.V.
Hawk and Anna are seen waving up to the viewer (Alfie's
head).
HAWK
Excuse my crass American humor.
The machine thunders with another explosion.
THE DA VINCI WORKSHOP
Hawk and Anna rush into the Da Vinci workshop. She
guiltily touches the surface wound on his arm. He
delicately takes the gun from her and laughs until he
sees...
BUNNY THE DOG!! standing in the open mouth of the
workshop. Anna turns to Hawk...
ANNA
Allow me.
Anna confidently moves toward the dog until Bunny leaps
up and savagely clamps his teeth into her throat sending
her crashing to the ground.
Hawk pauses in disbelief before raising the gun.
Bunny continues to viciously gnaw away on the convulsing
Anna, blood gently starts to emerge.
Hawk can't get off a shot. He throws down the gun in
exasperation. It lands next to The Gadget that is
connected to the Tennis Ball Machine. Hawk rushes
forward, picks up the gadget, turns the dial to Ten, and
then smiles sweetly toward the dog.
HAWK
Oh Bunny, Ball-Ball.
Bunny stops his violent behavior and perkily looks up
blood droplets drizzling from his mouth.
Hawk slams down on the gadget.
A tennis ball comes rocketing out of the machine.
Bunny leaps and catches the rocketing ball but the force
of it sends him FLYING AND CRASHING out a window.
Hawk pulls up Anna as the machine completely EXPLODES.
A huge chunk of the roof THUDS before the workshop door.
Hawk suddenly looks off-camera and smiles. Anna shakes
her head vigorously. He pulls her out of the frame.
EXT. A VINCI COUNTRYSIDE TREE
A man awakens from a nap and pulls up his hat. It is THE
TRAVELING JUGGLER WITH THE UNFORGETTABLY ETCHED FACE.
He pulls his three red balls from a pouch on his mule.
He begins a stoic juggle when another loud BOOM sends him
to the ground.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GRAND CASTLE--DAY
An explosion of steam and gas blows out the windows!
Debris frisbees toward the camera along with....
Anna, hanging on Hawk's waist, and Hawk, hanging from
the bar on DA VINCI'S BAT WINGED GLIDER.
The glider gracefully swooshes down through the castle -
through the glorious vista.
EXT. THE ROAD TO THE CASTLE
The glider floats to a perfect landing before the
Unforgettable Juggler.
JUGGLER
Che pazzo....
Hawk and Anna collect themselves and look up to the smoke
billowing castle. They smile and gush in relief. They
wrap arms around the confused but warming up Juggler and
laugh again.
A SMALL PIAZZA
The mule trots into a small storybook piazza in the hush
of dawn. Hawk, Anna, and the unforgettable Juggler ride
atop it.
A WOMAN WITH AN UNFORGETTABLY ETCHED FACE moves to a cafe
table with a luminous smile. She unfolds a table cloth
atop it and then mystically sets down two cappuccinos.
Hawk and Anna dismount, thank the Juggler, then cozy into
the table.
HAWK
Have I ever told you the world is
beautiful...
(semi-seductively)
I'd really like to play
Nintendo with you, or something...
ANNA
Hudson, I'm afraid I'm sticking
with God.
(smiling)
But you're a close second, tough
guy. What is that smile?
HAWK
(broadly grinning)
I got my planet back.
Hawk puts on a pair of sunglasses that look exactly like
the ones Da Vinci wore in the opening and raises his cup.
HAWK
The first one's for Alex. Cheers.
The viewer's viewpoint moves into Hawk's lips having a
sip of that damn unmasculine European coffee.
FADE OUT.
THE END
| 
