JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
Screenplay by
Kevin Smith
OVER BLACK WE SEE:
CHYRON
A long time ago, in front of a convenience store far, far
away--
EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAY
We FADE IN on the block of stores (Quick Stop/RST), from
sometime ago, In fact, RST isn't RST; it's THE RECORD RACK --
a 45's store with head shop paraphernalia in the window. A
white-trash MOTHER (maybe seventeen) wearing a baseball cap
comes into frame carrying a chubby BABY. The Baby wears an
oversized t-shirt under what looks like a little bathrobe,
and messily eats a CHOCOLATE BAR. There are food stamps in
the Mother's hands.
MOTHER
Bobby-Boy stay here while mommy picks
up the free cheese, 'kay?
She looks up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes slightly,
then looks back at the baby on the ground. She takes off her
baseball cap and places it on the baby.
MOTHER
This'll keep the sun out of your
eyes. You be good now.
She walks away, leaving the baby sitting against the wall.
With the backwards baseball cap and the chocolate around his
mouth forming something that resembles a beard, the kid looks
kind of familiar.
Then, another MOTHER (also very young) decked out in a KISS
concert shirt from years gone by and huge, feathered hair
enters, with a black skullcap wearing BABY slung at her hip.
She sees the first Baby, sitting against the wall and sets
her Baby down beside him.
MOTHER
Don't fucking move, you little shit-
machine. Mommy's gonna try to score.
A PASSERBY enters, heading toward the convenience store. He
takes note of the Babies and the Mother heading into the
record store, and then stops and addresses her, disgusted.
PASSERBY
Excuse me--who's watching these
babies?
MOTHER
The fat one's watching the little
one.
PASSERBY
Oh, nice parenting.
(walking away)
Leave'em out here like that and see
what happens.
The Passerby walks away. The Mother flips him the bird.
MOTHER
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
PASSERBY
(waving her off)
Ah, keep on truckin'.
MOTHER
(to baby)
D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me
how to fuckin' raise you?
Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking
think he is? What's the worse fuckin'
thing could happen to you sitting
outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck!
The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat.
Then, they look at each other. The larger one says nothing.
The smaller one says--
BABY
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
DISSOLVE TO:
THE PRESENT
JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The Record
Rack is now RST VIDEO.
Jay is mid-chant.
JAY
(as a chant)
--fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother
fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother-
fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck,
noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed,
smoking weed, doing coke, drinking
beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers,
rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who
smokes the blunts? We smoke the
blunts!
A pair of TEENS approach them.
TEEN 1
Lemme get a nickel bag.
JAY
Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the
money in my hand. If the money does
not show, then you owe-me-owe-me-
owe.
(changing up to Morris
Day)
My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh!
I think I want to know ya', know ya'--
TEEN 1
(digging in pockets)
What the hell are you singing?
JAY
You don't know "Jungle Love"? That
shit is the mad notes. Written by
God Herself and handed down to the
world's greatest band--the
motherfucking Time.
TEEN 2
The guys in that Prince movie?
TEEN 1
Purple Rain.
TEEN 2
Man, that shit was so gay--fucking
eighties style.
Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against
the wall.
JAY
Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind
word about The Time! Me and Silent
Bob modeled our whole fucking lives
after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a
smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and
Tubby here's my black manservant!
Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door
behind him.
RANDAL
What'd I tell you two about dealing
in front of the store? Drop the kid
and peddle your wares someplace else,
burn-boy.
(walking away)
And for the record, The Time sucked
ass.
He exits. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. After
a beat--
JAY
Yo-youse guys wanna hear something
fucked up about him and the Quick
Stop guy?
INT. QUICK STOP-DAY
Randal joins Dante behind the counter. Dante rings up a
customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the
counter. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a
newspaper.
RANDAL
Hey, can't we do something about
those two stoners hanging around
outside all the time?
DANTE
Why? What'd they do now?
RANDAL
I'm trying to watch Clash of the
Titans, and all I can hear is the
two them screaming about Morris Day
at the top of their lungs.
DANTE
I thought the fat one didn't really
talk much.
RANDAL
What, am I producing an A&E Biography
about 'em? I'm just saying they
shouldn't be loitering around the
stores like they do.
DANTE
Neither should you, but we let you
stay.
RANDAL
See, man--if you were funnier than
that, ABC never would've canceled
us.
DANTE
What?
RANDAL
Nothing.
Enter Teen 1 and Teen 2, chuckling.
TEEN 1
Two packs of Wraps.
(beat)
Yo--how was the service?
RANDAL
What service?
TEEN 2
The one at the Unitarian church where
you two got married to each other
last week.
RANDAL
What the hell are you talking about?
TEEN 1
Jay said you had a Star-Wars--themed
wedding and you guys tied the knot
dressed like storm troopers.
TEEN 2
Yeah. And he said you're the bitch
and you're the butch. Oh, sorry--the
Leia and the Luke.
DANTE
I'm the bitch?!
RANDAL
Well if we were gay, that's how I'd
see it.
DANTE
Would you shut up?!
TEEN 1
(to TEEN 2)
Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's
over.
DANTE
We're not married to each other.
TEEN 1
Well, sure. Not in the eyes of the
state or any real church, Skywalker.
RANDAL
(heading for the phone)
That does it. I'm gonna do something
about those two. I shoulda done a
long time ago
TEEN 2
In a galaxy far, far away!
TEEN 1
(exiting)
May the Foreskin be with you. Hand
Jabba the Hutt.
RANDAL
(into phone)
Yeah, I want to report a couple of
drug dealers out in front of the
Quick Stop.
EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a
COP, who frisks them.
JAY
What the Fuck, Serpico? What'd we
do?
COP
We got a report that two guys were
hanging around outside the stores,
selling pot?
JAY
We don't smoke pot, yo.
Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers.
TEEN 1
Here're the rolling papers you wanted
for your pot. And your change. Thanks.
(getting in Jay's
face)
And The Time sucks ass!
Teen 1 races off. Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop
stops them, grabbing the rolling papers out of Jay's hand.
He eyeballs the pair.
COP
No pot, hunh? What do you need this
for?
JAY
What? I got a wiping problem. I
stick these little pieces of paper
over my brown-eye, and bam--no shit
stains in my undies.
(unbuttoning pants)
You don't believe me? Lemme show
you.
Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back
over his shoulder.
JAY
Just spread my cheeks a little and
you can see the fucking stink nuggets--
COP
Pull up your pants up sir, Now!
Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Silent Bob
cracks up. The Cop grabs them both, leading them toward the
car.
COP
Let's take a ride down to the station.
JAY
What? It's suddenly a crime to fart,
motherfucker?!
EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAY
An ESTABLISHING SHOT of Brodie's store in the heart of Red
Bank.
BRODIE (O.S.)
No fucking way!
WE GO TIGHT on the huge, cartoon sign of BRODIE outside to--
INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATER
BRODIE himself, holding a stack of comics in one hand and a
Dixie cup in the other, Jay and Silent Bob follow him as he
puts new books in the racks.
BRODIE
Dante and Randal slapped you with a
restraining order?!
JAY
Judge said if we go within a hundred
feet of the stores, we get thrown
into County.
BRODIE
So you gonna abide by the court's
ruling or you gonna go Bandit--
Reynolds style?
JAY
Fuck yeah! You know what they make
you do in county? Toss the fucking
salad! I don't like this fuck's
asshole; I'm gonna do it for some
stranger?
BRODIE
I guess if you really wanted to hang
out in from of a convenience store,
you could just buy your own now--
what with all that money you guys
made.
JAY
Hell yeah, bitch.
(beat)
Wait a second--what money?
BRODIE
The money from the movie, dumb-ass.
JAY
What the fuck are you babbling about?
BRODIE
(pulling a bagged-and-
boarded issue down
from the wall)
The Bluntman and Chronic movie.
(dawns on him)
Oh my God--don't tell me you have no
idea there's a movie being made of
the comic you two were the basis
for.
JAY
What?! Since when?
BRODIE
Goddamit, man--
(taps his wrist)
Here's the pulse, alright. And here's
your finger--
(shoves his hand down
the back of his pants)
--far from the pulse, jammed straight
up your ass.
(extracts hand and
extends it to Jay)
Say--would you like a chocolate
covered pretzel?
Brodie leads them back to the counter.
BRODIE
You see, kids, if you read Wizard,
you'd know it's the top story this
month. Check it out.
Brodie hands Jay and Silent Bob a copy of Wizard, opened to
the headline: Snootchie Bootchies! Bluntman and Chronic Get
Big Screen Treatment! There are pictures of HOLDEN MCNEIL
AND BANKY EDWARDS, as well as drawings of Bluntman and
Chronic.
JAY
When the fuck did this happen?!
BRODIE
Well, after X-Men hit at the box
office, all the studios started buying
up every comic property they could
get their hands on. Miramax optioned
Bluntman and Chronic.
JAY
Miramax? I thought they only made
classy flicks like The Piano and The
Crying Game?
BRODIE
Yeah, well once they made She's All
That, everything went to hell. So
you're saying you haven't gotten a
cut of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards used to pay you
likeness rights for the comic book?
JAY
We haven't seen a fucking dime for
no movie!
BRODIE
Well boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think
Holden and Banky owe you some of the
proverbial phat cash. I mean they're
making a movie based on characters
that are based on you and Quiet
Robert.
JAY
It ain't me and Quiet Robert. It's a
pair of stupid-ass superheroes that
run around saying "Snitchy-Nitchies"
or something.
BRODIE
I believe it "Snootchie Boochies."
Regardless--you're getting screwed.
If I was you guys, I'd confront Holden
McNeil and ask him for my movie check.
JAY
Shit yeah. We gotsa get paid.
BRODIE
And on that note, we cue the music.
Jay lays down a House bass beat. Brodie complements it with
his own beat.
EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob mosey past the front door of the building
and knock.
INT. POTZER'S INC--DAY
Holden McNeil, opens the door and smiles.
HOLDEN
Well! I have been waiting years to
do this.
(smiles)
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here. Smells like someone shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!
Jay and Silent Bob enter. Holden closes the door, following
them.
JAY
What the fuck took you so long
answering your damn door? You trying
to talk another girlfriend of yours
into some of that gay-ass three-way
action with your buddy?
HOLDEN
No, I was just showering your mother's
stink off me after I gave her a quick
jump and sent her home. But now that
you mention it--
(to Bob)
Thanks, you know. You could've made
the moral of that story you told me
a bit more clear.
Silent Bob shrugs.
HOLDEN
So what brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
JAY
Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods--
Silent Bob holds up the Wizard article.
JAY
Where's our motherfucking movie check?
HOLDEN
You heard about that too, Hunh? Well,
I've got nothing to do with it. That's
Banky's deal. He owns the property
now. I signed my half of the Bluntman
and Chronic right over to him years
ago.
JAY
Why the fuck would you do a thing
like that?
HOLDEN
Because I'm almost thirty, for God's
sake--why on earth would I want to
keep writing about characters whose
central preoccupations are weed and
dick and fart jokes? You gotta grow,
man. Don't you ever want more for
yourself?
(off Silent Bob)
I know this poor, hapless sonovabitch
does. I look in his doe eyes and I
see a man crying out, "When, Lord?
When the fuck can your servant ditch
this foul-mouthed little chucklehead
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly, and who bombards me and
those around us with grade-A
foolishness that prevents me from
even getting to kiss a girl? Fuck!
When?!
Silent Bob nod like he's finally understood. Jay looks at
him, hurt, and Bob tried to downplay the comment's truth.
JAY
I'm the chucklehead? Fuck you--you're
the dumb-ass who gave away his comic,
and now you ain't got no fat movie
check neither.
HOLDEN
When you're right, you're right. I
wish I'd broken off a little piece
for myself. Because if the buzz is
any indication, the movie's gonna
make some huge bank.
JAY
What buzz?
HOLDEN
The Internet buzz.
JAY
What the fuck is the Internet?
INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATER
Holden's at a computer terminal. Jay and Silent bob look
over his shoulder.
HOLDEN
The Internet is a communication device
that allows people the world over to
bitch about movies and share
pornography with one another.
(off monitor)
Here's what we're looking for: "Movie
PoopShoot.com"
JAY
(to Bob)
"PoopChute." Yeaaahhh.
HOLDEN
This is a site full of militant movie
buffs: sad bastards who live in their
parents' basements, downloading
scripts and trading what they believe
to be inside info about movies and
actors they despise yet can't stop
discussing. This is where you go if
you wanna hear frustrated would-be
filmmakers mouth off with their two-
bit, arm-chair-director's opinions
on how they all could've made a better
Episode One.
On the computer monitor, we see the site mainpage load up.
Holden begins navigating the site.
HOLDEN
Here. This is about the Bluntman
movie.
(reading)
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday on
their adaptation of underground comic
fave Bluntman and Chronic."
JAY
Friday?! Shit. Does it say who's
playing us in the movie?
HOLDEN
No, but if it's Miramax, I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
They put'em in a bunch of movies.
JAY
Who?
HOLDEN
You know--the guys from Good Will
Hunting.
JAY
You mean the fucking movie with Mork
from Ork in it?
HOLDEN
Yeah, I'm not too big a fan either.
Though Affleck was the bomb in
Phantoms.
JAY
Word, bitch. Phantoms like a
motherfucker.
Holden and Jay slap hands. Holden points at the monitor again.
HOLDEN
Now down here is where you can gauge
the buzz. This is the Shoot Back
area. It's where people who read the
news get to chime in with their two
cents. Here's what a guy who goes by
the chick-magnet Net handle of "Wampa-
One" thinks about Bluntman and
Chronic.
(reading)
"Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only
work in small doses, if at all. They
don't deserve their own movie."
(to Jay)
He's got a point.
JAY
Fuck him. What's the next one say?
HOLDEN
(reading)
"Bluntman and Chronic is the worst
comic I ever read. Jay and Silent
Bob are stupid characters. A couple
of stoners who spout dumb-ass
catchphrases like a third-rate Cheech
and Chong or Bill and Ted. Fuck Jay
and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their
stupid asses."
JAY
Who the fuck said that shit?!
HOLDEN
A guy who calls himself "Magnolia-
Fan." Check out what the guy after
him said: "Jay and Silent Bob are
terrible, one-note jokes that only
stoners laugh at. They're fucking
clown shoes. If they were real, I'd
beat the shit out of them for being
so stupid. I can't believe Miramax
would have anything to so with this
shit. I, for one, will be boycotting
this movie. Who's with me?"
(leans back)
And then there are about fifty more
posts from people who agree to join
Spartacus-here's boycott of the flick.
JAY
(grimly)
I'm gonna kill all these fucks--
HOLDEN
Ah, let it go. Number one, they're a
bunch of jealous little dicks who
use the anonymity of the Net to insult
people who're doing what they wish
they were doing, and number two,
they're not really talking about you
guys--they talking about Bluntman
and Chronic.
JAY
But they said Jay and Silent Bob!
They used our real names. It doesn't
matter that there's a comic book
version of us and a real version,
'cause nobody knows we're real in
real life.
HOLDEN
Really.
JAY
Yeah! And all these people who read
that shit think the real Jay and
Silent Bob are a couple of faggots
'cause of that all these dicks are
writing about the comic book Jay and
Silent Bob! And maybe one night, me
and Lunchbox'll be macking some bitch,
and she'll be like "Oooo! I want to
suck youse guys dicks off. What's
your names?" And I'll be like, "Jay
and Silent Bob." And she'll be like,
"Oh--I read on the Internet that
youse guys were little fucking
jerkoffs." And then she goes and
sucks two other guys's dicks off
instead! Well fuck that! We gotta
put a stop to these hateful sonsa-
bitches before they ruin our good
names!
HOLDEN
First off, I don't know how good
your names really are. Secondly,
there's not much you can do about
stopping this bile. The Internet's
given everyone in America a voice,
and everyone in American has chosen
to use that voice to bitch about
movies. As long as there's a Bluntman
and Chronic movie, the Net-nerds are
gonna have something negative to say
about it. Jay steams, thinking.
Then, a light dawns on him.
JAY
But wait a second--if there wasn't a
Bluntman and Chronic movie, then no
one would be saying shit about Jay
and Silent Bob, right?
HOLDEN
They're not saying anything about
you now--they're talking about
fictional characters!
JAY
(oblivious to Holden;
to Bob)
So all we gotta do is stop 'em from
making the movie!
HOLDEN
Yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of
thousands of dollars in royalties
you're due in the process. Are you
fucking retarded? Look, I'm probably
not alone in the opinion that this
flick is the worst idea since Greedo
shooting first. I mean, a Jay and
Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to
see that?
Holden, Jay and Silent Bob pause and look at the camera for
a beat. Then--
HOLDEN
But since it is happening, you might
as well just ignore the idiots on
the Internet, go find Banky, and get
your "motherfucking movie check." As
you so succinctly put it. That's
what's important here.
JAY
No, Holden McNeil--what's important
here is that there's a bunch of
motherfuckers we don't even know
calling us assholes on the Internet
to a bunch of teenagers and guys who
can't even get laid. Putting a stop
to that is the most important thing
we could ever do.
(off monitor)
When did it say they're making that
movie?
HOLDEN
They start this Friday.
JAY
So if today's Tuesday, that gives us--
(counts)
Eight days.
HOLDEN
It's more like three days.
JAY
Right. Three days to stop that stupid
fucking movie from getting made!
C'mon, Silent Bob--
Jay and Bob stand and look at each other, filled with purpose.
JAY
We're going to Hollywood.
They stride off. Holden shakes his head.
HOLDEN
Now that's what I call the Blunt
leading the Blunt.
EXT. BUS STATION--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob approach a bus that's labeled "Los
Angeles." They nod at each other and then climb aboard. After
a beat, they re-emerge.
JAY
Tickets? Since when did they start
charging for the bus?
They head toward the depot.
JAY
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every day for free?
EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY
The bus roars past a sign that read: Leaving New Jersey.
INT. BUS--SAME
Jay makes his way up to the DRIVER.
JAY
We in Hollywood yet?
DRIVER
It's a three--day ride to Los Angeles,
sir. We left twenty minutes ago.
JAY
I didn't ask you about Los Angeles.
I asked you about Hollywood.
DRIVER
Hollywood's in Los Angeles, sir.
JAY
Don't change the subject! Are we in
Hollywood yet or not?
DRIVER
Please sit down, sir.
Jay glares at the Driver and heads back to his seat.
JAY
Why don't you take your seat Ralph
Kramden--
Jay slumps into the seat beside Silent Bob.
JAY
I'm fucking bored, man. There ain't
shit to so on this bus.
Silent Bob mimes jerking off.
JAY
I already did that. Twice.
Silent Bob shrugs, looking out the window, Jay looks across
the aisle and spots a CHILD IN A HELMET playing a handheld
video game. He leans over to him.
JAY
Yo, Gretzky--lemme get a turn.
CHILD
Leave me alone, little kid.
The Child gives him the finger. Jay goes wide-eyed, turning
to Silent Bob.
JAY
That fuck called me a little kid and
gave me the finger! Go kick his ass!
Silent Bob offers an incredulous look, as if to say, "He's
ten years old."
JAY
You're my muscle, ain'tcha?
Silent Bob kind of nods.
JAY
So go open a can of whup-ass on that
little fuck, and get me his game!
Silent Bob sighs and stands. He climbs over Jay into the
aisle and stands in front of the child. He looks at him and
registers doubt. He looks back to Jay, who waves him on.
Silent Bob steels himself, looks back to the kid and reaches
for his game. The Child emits a high-pitched scream and starts
punching himself in the head. Silent Bob dives back into his
seat, trying to look nonchalant. The Child stops crying. Jay
looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
You're one tough motherfucker, you
know that?
EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY
The bus pulls over by the side of the road.
INT. BUS--DAY
The Bus Driver heads down the aisle toward the back of the
bus, followed by pissed-off PASSENGERS.
PASSENGER
They been in there going on half an
hour now! Two of them! Doing God
knows what!
The Bus Driver bangs on the bathroom door and shouts.
DRIVER
This bus isn't moving another inch
unless you clear out of there right
now!
No answer. The Bus Driver bangs on the door harder.
DRIVER
DO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR!
NOW!!
The door handle turns, the door swings wide, and massive
amounts of smoke suddenly billow through the back of the
bus. The smoke clears to reveal Jay and Silent Bob squeezed
into the bathroom, holding a massive joint.
JAY
Um--I think something's burning back
here.
EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER
As the bus pulls away, Jay and Silent Bob are revealed, left
behind.
JAY
The whole fucking world's against
us, dude. I swear to God.
Silent Bob nods. Jay sticks out his thumb and starts hitching.
EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER
Jay and Bob are walking backwards, hitching still.
JAY
This sucks balls, man. How come we
ain't getting no rides?
VOICE
'Cause you're doing it all wrong.
Jay and Bob look behind them. There's a GUY hitching as well.
GUY
You gotta induce the drivers a little.
JAY
Like how?
GUY
Like this.
The GUY holds out his sign to them. It reads: Will Give Head
For Ride.
JAY
Yeah, but what happens when you get
in the car, and you don't make with
the head? Don't they kick your ass
to the curb?
GUY
Sure--if you don't make with the
head.
Jay and Bob look at him for a long beat. Then--
JAY
Eww! You eat the cock?!?
GUY
Yeah. If it'll get me a few hundred
miles across country. I'll take a
shot in the mouth.
JAY
Yeah, but we ain't gay.
GUY
Well, neither am I. But have you
seen the price of bus tickets lately?
Shit--I don't wanna cough up two
hundred bucks just to get to Chicago.
JAY
Well, I don't wanna cough up some
dude's sperm!
GUY
Don't be so suburban--this is the
new millennium. Gay, straight--it's
all the same now. There're no more
lines.
Jay draws a line on the ground with his foot.
JAY
There's one. On this side of it, we
ain't gay.
GUY
All hitchers do this. Why do you
think people pick us up? If you get
a ride, it's expected--I don't care
who the driver is. It's the first
rule in the Book.
JAY
What book?
GUY
The unwritten Book of the Road.
A TRUCK starts to pull over to the side of the road. The Guy
points to it, as if to say "See?" The passenger-side door
opens. The Guy climbs into the truck and closes the door. He
looks out the window at Jay and Bob.
GUY
Follow the rules of the Book, and
you'll get where you're going in no
time. Excuse me.
Through the windshield, Jay and Silent Bob see the Guy go
face-first into the TRUCK DRIVER'S lap. The Truck Drivers
smiles, and the truck takes off, roaring down the road.
Jay and Silent Bob watch the truck disappear. Then, a CAR
pulls up. The NUN driving rolls down the passenger side window
and leans toward them.
NUN
You two boys need a ride?
INT. CAR--LATER
The NUN drives, smiling. Jay and Silent Bob sit in the back
seat, huddled close together, their eyes glued on the Nun.
NUN
You both don't have to sit back there.
One of you can sit up here with me.
Silent Bob shakes his head "no" to Jay. Jay shrugs and climbs
up front.
NUN
So where are you boys from?
JAY
New Jersey.
NUN
What brings you to Indiana?
JAY
We're going to Hollywood.
NUN
Hollywood, hunh? That's a long ways
away.
JAY
Yeah--we're lucky you picked us up.
NUN
Well, do unto others. That's what
the Book says.
JAY
(misinterpreting
completely)
Wait a minute--you follow the Book,
too?
NUN
I live my life by it.
JAY
Really? You?
NUN
Of course. You know how lonely it
gets on the road? Thanks to the Book,
I'm never alone--if you know what I
mean.
JAY
I guess. This guy back there explained
it to us. But I didn't think you'd
be into that.
NUN
Are you kidding? I've dedicated my
life to it. Every hour of every day.
JAY
Shit--you nuns are alright.
NUN
You live by the Book, too?
JAY
You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta.
NUN
That's good to hear. But it takes
deed, not words. It's a lot easier
to say you live by the Book than to
actually do it.
(looks at him)
Can you do it?
JAY
You want me to do it right now?
NUN
No time like the present, right?
Jay looks back at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shakes his head
"no." Jay shrugs them flips his hair over his shoulder, and
starts to bend down.
JAY
Alright.
(he suddenly stops)
You hear that? She's not a Catholic.
She's a Presbyterian.
Jay disappears below the dash, The Nun goes wide-eyed.
EXT. ROADSIDE--DAY
The Nun's car screeched to the side of the road. Jay gets
kicked our of the front seat by the screaming Nun. Silent
Bob rushes out too, and the car races off. Jay's wipes his
mouth. He pulls a long curly hair from between his teeth.
JAY
Dude--she had seventies bush.
EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT
Jay and Bob continue hitching.
JAY
I can't believe this shit. Five hours
and not a single ride. Every day,
millions of people hitch to Hollywood
and stop studios from making movies
about 'em. But when you and me try
it, it's like we're trapped in a
fucking cartoon!
A familiar-looking VAN pulls up in the other side of the
raid, The horn beeps. Jay and Bob look at each other, shrug,
and race across the street, get in. The van pulls off.
INT. VAN--NIGHT
Jay and Bob sit in the back of the can and stare at--
A clean-cut GUY, a Bookish woman in glasses, a red headed
Beauty, a stoner DUDE, and a GREAT DANE.
Jay looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
Zoinks, yo
GUY
And now we can finally solve the
mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls!
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are!
BOOKISH
I don't think they are masks.
BEAUTY
I don't think they're Hitchhiking
Girls either.
BOOKISH
Ghouls, you fucking moron. Not Girls.
(to herself)
Though I wish they were hitchhiking
girls. Sexy, skimpily clad hitchhiking
girls--
GUY
Let's kick them out. We've got a
mystery to solve.
DUDE
The only mystery here is why we take
our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!
GUY
Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed you
to the fucking dog!
BEAUTY
(covering her ears;
shrieking)
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!
JAY
YO!
The Gang look to Jay and Bob.
JAY
Youse guys need to turn those frowns
upside down! And we got just the
thing for that.
(pulls out a bag of
joints)
We call them Doobie Snax.
INT. VAN--WEED VISION
As Jay and Bob toke up, we go all SLO-MO and 70's freaky
(with the image seeming to SWIM). Through their stoned haze,
we see old-school witches, skeletons, and ghouls swirling
about their heads--the latter of which gets his mask taken
off to reveal a man inside a costume.
Jay and Bob look at the gang, then take a hit off their joint
and look back. Suddenly, the gang's engaged in total
debauchery: the Dude rides the windshield while the Guy
cackles insanely, blindfolded by his neckerchief. Bookish
and Beauty are in their underwear, making out with each other.
The Great Dane looks at Jay and Bob and says--
GREAT DANE
Ri, Ray rand Rirent Rob
The Great Dane rolls over, revealing its RED THING sticking
way out of its sheath. It's monstrous. Jay and Bob go wide-
eyed.
JAY
Look at his fuckin' lipstick!!! He's
got a stoner-boner!!!
Jay and Bob smile and pass out.
We cut back to the gang, who now appear as they did prior to
Weed-Vision. They stare at the O.C. Jay and Bob.
BEAUTY
I think they passed out.
GUY
Great. What do we do with them now?
DUDE
Let's cut out their kidneys to sell
on the black market and leave them
in a seedy motel bathtub full of
ice.
BOOKISH
Oh God, not again?
INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHT
Jay lies in a bathtub full of ice, screaming. There's a scar
on his back.
EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAY
Jay wakes up suddenly, screaming. He startles Bob awake as
well, as he clutched at this back lifting his shirt to see
the scar. It's not there.
JAY
Holy shit, I had a horrible dream.
(looks around)
Yo, I'm hungry. Where can we get
some breakfast?
Bob looks around, and then locks on something O.C. He points,
and Jay looks, smiles widely, and nods.
EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAY
An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the fast food eatery, as Jay and Bob
enter.
INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAME
As the pair head for the counter, Jay notices a public
INTERNET TERMINAL. He tugs at Silent Bob's arm.
JAY
Yo--check that shit out: the Internet.
Let's see if those fucks said
something new about us and that stupid
flick.
Bob shrugs, heading for the terminal. He inserts a dollar
and types, following it up with a mouse click. The pair look
at the screen and go wide-eyed.
JAY
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent
Bob is gonna lick balls, because
they both, in fact, lick balls. Namely
each other's."
Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, wide-eyed.
JAY
Eww.
(reading further)
"Yes--they are real people. Real
stupid people. Signed, Darth Randal."
(to Bob)
Motherfucker! It's time we wrote
something back! Type this shit down.
Silent Bob starts typing as Jay dictates.
JAY
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay.
You are the ones who are the ball-
lickers. We're gonna fuck your
mothers whole you watch and cry like
little bitches. Once we get to
Hollywood and find those Miramax
fucks who are making the movie, we're
gonna make 'em eat our shit, then
shit our shit, then eat their shit
which is made of our shit that we
made 'em eat. Then all you
motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay
and Silent Bob.
Silent Bob finishes typing and presses "Return". He and Jay
nod at each other, then head over to the counter line, looking
up at the menu board.
JAY
That'll fucking show 'em. Now we eat
our Egga-Mooby-Muffins, then get
back on the road, get to Hollywood,
and stop that fucking movie from
getting made. No more hairy-bush
nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye
on the prize, and not let nothing--
and I mean NOTHING--distract me.
As Jay finishes speaking, he looks to the O.C. doors and
freezes. A gorgeous GIRL walks through the front doors, all
in SLO-MO to the tune of Prince's The Most Beautiful Girl in
the World. She's bathed in light, glowing.
She bats her eyelashes, gliding toward us.
Jay is mouth-agape wide eyed. Silent Bob looks at him, then
at the O.C.Girl. He slowly waves his hand in front of Jay's
eyes, getting zero response.
JAY'S POV
The Girl smiles at us. His POV goes from her face, down to
her breasts, then down to her crotch.
Jay moves past Silent Bob and meets the Girl in the middle
of the floor. He embraces her and lands a long, sweet kiss
on her mouth. After a beat, he starts fumbling like a teenager
to get to second base under her shirt, totally incongruous
with the music. The Girl kindly tries to deter him.
But it's just a fantasy. Jay's still standing there next to
Silent Bob, but he is sporting a huge BONER. Silent Bob rolls
his eyes. He grabs a soda cup off the counter and sticks it
over Jay's boner, just as the Girl joins them in line. She
smiles at the zombified Jay.
GIRL
(off cup)
Oh my God. Do you get free refills
with that?
JAY
Oh, what--this? I just wear this for
protection. You know--so no guys try
to grab my shit.
GIRL
Hi. I'm Justice.
JAY
(dreamily)
And I am so fucking yours--
Silent Bob pokes Jay, who shakes of his daze.
JAY
I mean hi. I'm Jay. And this is my
hereto life-mate, Silent Bob.
JUSTICE
It's nice to meet you.
JAY
Justice, hunh? That's a nice name.
(under his breath, to
Bob)
Jay'n'Justice, sitting in a tree. F-
U-C-K-I-N-G--
(back to Justice)
So you come here often?
JUSTICE
Oh, I'm not from around here. My
friends and I are taking a road trip,
and we just stopped to grab something
to eat.
JAY
Your friends, hunh? Where they at?
JUSTICE
(pointing)
Out there. By that van.
Jay and Bob look past Justice to see a VAN with three other
gorgeous GIRLS stretching outside of it, throwing their hair
around, looking incredibly sexy.
Without looking at Silent Bob, Jay quietly says to him--
JAY
Dude--I think I just filled the cup.
INT. VAN--DAY
Jay and Bob climb into the can, getting odd looks from the
other Girls, Justice follows them in, tossing the fast food
to her friends.
JAY
Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent
Bob are in the Hizz-ouse!!!
SISSY
Who the fuck are these guys?
JUSTICE
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
(to Jay and Bob)
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy, and
Chrissy.
CHRISSY
Where the fuck did they come from?
JUSTICE
I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch
a ride.
SISSY
I don't know if that's such a great
idea. Jussy.
JAY
Sure it is, Juggs.
MISSY
Oh my god--he just called Sissy
"Juggs"!
CHRISSY
I'm on it.
Chrissy lunges toward Jay, pulling a knife.
JUSTICE
Chrissy, no!
Sissy stops Chrissy, shoving a burger into her hands.
SISSY
We're in the middle of suburbia,
Chrissy. Let's try to act like it.
CHRISSY
And what-stupid ass little foul-
mouthed bitch-boys don't get their
balls cut off in suburbia?
JAY
(oblivious)
What's with the knife? We having
cake or something?
CHRISSY
Holy shit--he's retarded, to boot.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Yo--she called you retarded.
SISSY
(to Justice)
What's wrong with you, Justice? You
do remember where we're going, don't
you?
MISSY
That we do have a job to do?
JUSTICE
They're just gonna tag along for a
few miles. They won't get in the
way, I promise.
(cutesy)
Please?
SISSY
Fine--they can ride with us. But
they're so out of here before we get
to Boulder.
JUSTICE
Honest Injun.
CHRISSY
"Honest Injun"?
(to Sissy)
I can't believe what a pushover you
are.
JAY
And I can't believe fine-ass bitches
like yourselves eat that shit. Don't
you know fast food makes girls fart?
Suddenly, Jay and Bob are parted by BRENT, who's getting
into the van.
BRENT
Say--what's all this talk about
farting?
Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy immediately go from disgusted to
sweet and airy, totally switching characters.
SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSY
Hi Brent!
SISSY
This is Brent. He's with us, too.
CHRISSY
Brent, tell these sillies that girls
don't fart.
BRENT
Of course they don't! Only skeevy
stoners fart.
The very white Brent puts his hand out to be slapped by Jay
and Silent Bob.
BRENT
What up, homies?
(off the Girls)
Wow, Three guys, four girls--
(to Jay and Bob)
What's the count boys?
Jay and Bob look at each other and roll their eyes.
EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY
The van drives down the road. We hear singing from inside.
INT. VAN--DAY
Brent strums a guitar and sings, as the Girls and Jay and
Bob listen, rolling eyes.
BRENT
Hey there mister science-guy. Don't
spray that aerosol in my eye. For I
don't really want to die. I'm a noble
rabbit!
JAY
What're you guys, like a cover band
or something?
SISSY
We're the Kansas State chapter of
S.A.A.C.--Students Against Animal
Cruelty.
CHRISSY
And we're on our way to Colorado to
give Provasik a piece of our minds!
Everyone lets out a whoop, except Jay and Bob.
JAY
What the fuck are you bitches babbling
about?
BRENT
Hey! Watch the language little boy.
There are females present.
Jay and Silent Bob eyeball Brent, until Justice distracts
them.
JUSTICE
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical
lab where they perform gross
experiments on animals.
JAY
So, what kind of animals are we
talking about here--like bears and
rhinos?
BRENT
No--more like rabbits, dogs, cats...
heck, even monkeys, If we don't speak
for them, who will?
(touches Justice's
arm)
Right, Jussy?
Jay sees this and his eyes flare over the competition. After
a beat, he relaxes.
JAY
Hey, uh--Brent? Can I talk to you
over here for a second?
Brent joins Jay, strumming his guitar. Jay addresses him
confidentially.
JAY
Be honest, yo--you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
BRENT
I'm down with this because I love
animals, stupid.
JAY
Even sheep?
BRENT
Of course. Sheep are beautiful
creatures.
JAY
They are beautiful, aren't they?
BRENT
Oh God, yes.
JAY
So then you'd fuck a sheep?
BRENT
What is your damage little boy? You've
got a sick and twisted world
perspective.
JAY
No, you misunderstand me, Prince
Valiant. I mean if you were another
sheep. Would you fuck a sheep if
you were another sheep?
BRENT
I--suppose so.
JAY
That's what I thought.
(suddenly loudly, to
all)
YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OF
US! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP!
EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY
The side door of the van slides open and Brent gets hurled
out of the moving vehicle. Jay throws his guitar at him as
well, yelling and flipping the bird as the van drives off.
JAY
YA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!!
EXT. HIGHWAY--LATER
The van drives down the road.
INT. VAN--SAME
Missy drives. Sissy sits in the passenger seat. Chrissy kneels
between them.
CHRISSY
What the fuck are we gonna do now?
SISSY
Shut up, I'm thinking.
In the back, Justice studies some blueprints. Jay joins her,
and she quickly folds them up.
JAY
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
JUSTICE
Is that where you guys are from?
JAY
Ch'yeah, right. Jersey represent!
JUSTICE
Oh, a Jersey Boy. What brings you
all the way out here?
JAY
Well, we couldn't hang in front of
the Quick Stop no more, 'cause of
the strainen-en order, which sucks
ass 'cause it's been like our home
since we were kids. Silent Bob even
busted his cherry there.
JUSTICE
(to Bob)
You did? I'll bet she was a lucky
girl.
Bob blushes, Jay doesn't like that Justice's attention has
strayed.
JAY
Look, fuck that fat fuck--I'm trying
to tell a story here.
JUSTICE
Sorry.
JAY
Anyway, we were talking to Brodie
and he said there's gonna be a
Bluntman and Chronic movie. So we
went to see Holden McNeil, and he
showed us the Internet, and that's
where we found all these fucking
little jerkoffs were saying shit
about us. So we decided to go to
Hollywood and stop the movie from
getting made. And now we're here.
JUSTICE
Wow. I have no idea what you just
said.
JAY
Yeah, I get that a lot. So you like
animals, huh?
JUSTICE
Sure.
JAY
That's cool. Even snakes?
JUSTICE
You can't exclude an animal just
because it's not cuddly. Of course I
like snakes.
JAY
How about trouser snakes?
JUSTICE
What's a trouser snake?
Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay's left shoulder.
JAY DEVIL
(to Jay)
What the fuck are you waiting for?
She went for the setup! Reach in
your fucking pants, and pull yer
cock out, bitch! That's the kinda
shit girls like!
Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay's right
shoulder.
JAY DEVIL 2
Right about here's where the angel's
supposed to show up and tell you not
to pull your dick out. But we bitch-
slapped that little fuck and sent
him packing, so it's smooth sailing.
Let 'er rip, boy!
They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his
hand down his pants, getting ready to whip out his dick,
when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder,
rubbing a swollen jaw.
JAY ANGEL
Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal
here?
(looks down)
Oh, shit--you're not thinking of
whipping your dick out at this fine
piece of woman, are you?
Jay thinks, then nods "Yes." The Jay Angel rolls his eyes,
and slaps him.
JAY ANGEL
Tell you what: look at Silent Bob.
See if he thinks it's a good idea to
whip your dick out.
Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay's hand in
his pants to Jay and shakes his head "no," sternly. Jay
withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods,
satisfied.
JAY ANGEL
That's it, boy--put the dick down.
You gotta go from the heart, yo. No
little perv bullshit will do for
this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de
la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the
shit out of two suckerpunching little
bitches. Remember--don't pull your
dick out until she asks you to.
(beat)
Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg!
The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice
looks at Jay, a bit confused.
JAY
Don't ask.
(beat)
So, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like
me do to help the animals?
JUSTICE
You really don't want to help us--
JAY
What the fuck are you talking about?
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
Justice smiles. Jay tries to recover.
JAY
I mean, youse guys! I'd do anything
for youse guys. For the lift and
shit.
JUSTICE
You sure?
JAY
Sure, I'm sure. I said it, didn't I.
Fuck
JUSTICE
Well--okay. Let me talk it over with
the other girls and get back to you.
JAY
You do that.
Jay takes Justice's hand and kisses it.
JAY
I'll be right here.
He winks at her, smiles and moves to the other side of the
can, near Silent Bob. He's still smiling at Justice and
winking when he looks to Silent Bob who stares at him blankly,
then imitates Jay's hand-kissing back at him, Jay scowls.
JAY
Fuck you. Fatty.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAY
The van pulls up and all pile out, stretching. The Girls
head toward the store. Justice calls over to Jay and Silent
Bob.
JUSTICE
You guys want anything from inside?
JAY
No, we're cool, thanks hon.
Justice smiles and heads inside. Jay and Silent Bob study
the front of the foreign convenience store. They look for a
place to lean, try a few spots out, then settle into one.
After a beat--
JAY
It just ain't the same, is it? This
place licks balls compared to Quick
Stop.
Silent Bob shakes his head "Yeah."
JAY
And speaking of licking balls--how
'bout that Justice chick? She is too
fine. And she smells so fucking
pretty. She's got a nice voice, too.
And that body? Smoking. You know,
she never once said "fuck off," when
I was talking to her, or pulled out
the pepper spray, or nothing. I tell
ya, Lunchbox--she could be the one.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY
Justice is at the microwave when she's suddenly surrounded
by the other girls.
MISSY
Smooth move, Justice.
CHRISSY
(slapping Justice
upside the head)
Nice going, Four Eyes!
JUSTICE
Ow!
SISSY
Why the fuck did you let that little
stoner throw Brent our of the van?!
JUSTICE
Oh please--if I had to listen to one
more of those stupid songs, I was
going to throw him out myself.
SISSY
We needed Brent, Justice! He was our
patsy!
JUSTICE
We'll find someone else. Besides, I
didn't see you trying to stop Jay
from throwing him out.
SISSY
Because I didn't want to blow our
cover!
JUSTICE
Cover, shmover--you all hated his
songs, too.
CHRISSY
Not as much as I hate you.
Justice offers Chrissy a cold glance,
CHRISSY
Fuck, if I don't get to kill someone
soon, I'm gonna--fucking kill someone!
SISSY
(rubbing Chrissy's
shoulders)
Don't mind Chrissy. She's just a
little too wound for sound.
CHRISSY
Then how about you help me take the
edge off?
Chrissy grabs Missy forcefully and the pair make out, hot
and heavy in the middle of the convenience store. Other
customers regard them wide-eyed.
JUSTICE
(to Customers)
They're really good friends.
SISSY
(TO CHRISSY AND MISSY)
Would you two knock it off? We're in
the fucking heartland here! Try to
blend!
JUSTICE
They already do--she's the milkmaid,
and she's the cow.
CHRISSY
Oh, I'm a cow, am I? I'm a mad cow,
bitch. And now I'm gonna rip your
head off and fuck your spine stump.
SISSY
Enough!
(calm to Justice)
We have a very simple gang here,
Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's
the brawn, and Missy's the tech-girl.
But lately, I'm having a hard time
figuring out what you're doing here.
JUSTICE
That makes two of us.
CHRISSY
Shit--your name doesn't even fit the
rhyme scheme.
JUSTICE
That's because very few names rhyme
with "douchebag."
CHRISSY
(getting in her face)
You're dancing on my last nerve,
Strawberry Shortcake.
(to Sissy)
You deal with the weak link. I'm
gonna take Missy into the dirty
convenience store bathroom and hate-
fuck the shit out of her.
Chrissy drags Missy off. Justice and Sissy watch them go.
JUSTICE
And you said letting them read all
that Anais Nin wouldn't amount to
anything.
SISSY
Don't change the subject. You know
what you have to do now, right? Since
you let our patsy slip away, you've
gotta convince the little kid and
that fat guy to take his place.
They've gotta break into Provasik
now.
JUSTICE
Uh-uh!
SISSY
Uh-huh. You'll do it; or you're out
of this gang. Just use the little
one's crush to convince him, since
he's so fucking in love with you.
JUSTICE
Jay? No he's not.
SISSY
What--am I blind? He wasn't kissing
your hand back in the van like he
was fucking Lord Byron?
JUSTICE
Well, maybe he was just raised with
manners.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY
A GIRL walks past Jay and Bob, heading out of the store.
JAY
(to exited Girl)
YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE
LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?!
(to Bob)
Yeah.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY
Sissy continues to confront Justice.
SISSY
You're the one that brought the kid
in, Jussy. So you've gotta make
amends.
JUSTICE
Jay is not taking Brent's place as
the patsy.
SISSY
That kid and his quite friend are
our only options at this point. Now
we got about two hours before we get
to Boulder. That gives you plenty of
of time to work on him.
JUSTICE
I'm not gonna do it.
SISSY
Why the fuck not?
JUSTICE
Because he's just to so innocent!
Justice looks out the window and smiles, seeing Jay dancing
alongside Bob.
JUSTICE
Look at him--
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME
Jay's dancing still, but now we hear what he's SINGING to
Silent Bob.
JAY
I'm gonna finger-fuck her tight little
asshole! Finger-bang and tea-bang my
balls--in her mouth! Where? Where?
In her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her
mouth! Balls, balls, sweaty balls--
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME
Sissy eyeballs Justice, who's still looking out at Jay.
SISSY
Who's it going to be, Jussy--him or
us?
Justice looks at Sissy. Sissy nods at her. Justice looks
back out at Jay.
INT. VAN--DAY
Justice talks to Jay and Silent Bob.
JAY
Steal a monkey? Shit--no problem.
JUSTICE
It's not really stealing--it's
liberating it, and--
(finally hears him)
Wait a second--did you say, "No
problem"?
JAY
Yeah, Fuck--we steal monkeys all the
time.
(to Bob)
Right, Lunchbox?
Silent Bob glares at Jay.
JUSTICE
It's not like it's a bad thing. It's
for a good cause.
JAY
Oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri--
(takes her hand)
The cause of love.
(kisses her hand,
then releases)
Snoogans--
JUSTICE
What the heck is that?
JAY
What's what?
JUSTICE
"Snoogans," I believe it was.
JAY
What the fuck do you think it means?
It means "I'm kidding."
JUSTICE
Ohhh. Well, that's too bad.
She smiles at Jay, touches his chin and heads to the front
of the van. Jay plays it cool until she's out of sight, then
humps silent Bob's leg like a dog.
JAY
(singing)
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey!
(speaking)
If I'd known it was that easy, I'd've
been stealing monkeys since I was
like seven and shit.
Jay looks at Silent Bob, who clearly disapproves.
JAY
Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin
this for me. Me and Justice are gonna
get married one day, so don't be
giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no-
monkey" look. I'm Morris Day; you're
Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that.
That girl? That girl's in love with
me.
Up front, Justice talks to Sissy, while Missy drives.
JUSTICE
They're gonna do it.
SISSY
Good. They do their part--
(pats a video camera)
And we'll do ours.
Justice eyes Sissy, then slumps in her seat.
EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT
The Van rolls up across the street from the Provasik Labs,
parking in front of another large building.
INT. VAN--SAME
Jay and Silent bob get out, along with Justice. They wear
Ninja masks. Missy and Chrissy follow.
JUSTICE
Remember--we meet back here when
you're done. You sure you're okay
with this?
JAY
As sure as I am that you're the
hottest bitch I ever seen.
Chrissy lunges at Jay, Missy holds her back, dragging Chrissy
away.
JAY
What's twisting that bitch's tits?
JUSTICE
Maybe it's because women don't like
to be called "bitches," Jay.
JAY
They don't? Well how 'bout "piece of
ass"?
JUSTICE
How about not.
JAY
Well, what the fuck am I supposed to
call you, then?
JUSTICE
Something sweet, you big goof.
Something nice.
JAY
(thinks; then)
Boo-boo kitty fuck.
JUSTICE
(laughing)
Okay. That's a start.
Sissy jumps out of the van, holding the video camera, aiming
it at Jay and Bob.
SISSY
Jay, before you go, could you say
something into the camera about the
clitoris.
JAY
What?
JUSTICE
(to Sissy)
Man you are such a bitch--
SISSY
(off Justice; to Jay)
She's just a little embarrassed.
See, Jussy and I are putting together
this documentary for our Human
Sexuality class, and we need a male
perspective on the clitoris.
JAY
The female clitoris?
SISSY
Uh--yeah.
JUSTICE
Jay, you don't have to do this.
She elbows Sissy.
JAY
Nah, it's cool, hon. There's a few
things I can say about the clit that
I's like you to hear.
(clears throat; into
camera)
I am the master of the clit! I make
that shit work! It does what ever
the fuck I tell it to do! No one
rules the clit like me!
(off Silent Bob)
Not this little fuck! None of you
little fucks out there! I am the
clit commander!!! Remember that--
commander of all clits!
Jay proceeds to make some pussy-eating faces. Justice shakes
her head at Sissy, who snaps the camera closed and smiles.
SISSY
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, Tiger.
Sissy climbs back into the van.
JAY
(to Justice)
So--can I get a little kiss for good
luck?
Justice smiles at Jay, then kisses him sweetly on the lips.
JAY
So--can I get a little blow job for
good luck?
Justice smiles and pulls Jay's mask down. He heads off,
revealing Silent Bob behind him, lips puckered, handing in
midair. Jay reached back into the frame, pulling Bob out.
Justice watches them go.
SISSY
Jussy. C'mon.
Justice climbs back into the van.
INT. VAN--SAME
Justice sits, glaring at Sissy.
SISSY
Hey, Lover-girl. You cock-block my
authority again, you lose your fucking
fronts, you got that?
JUSTICE
Yes, sir.
Sissy takes the tape out of the camera and hands it off to
Missy, beside whom is a bag full of high-tech equipment.
SISSY
Phase One, down. While we're executing
Phase Two, you edit that tape and
grab a new car.
MISSY
No sweat.
SISSY
Let's suit up.
EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT
Jay and Silent bob tuck-and-roll across the front lawn,
stopping at the building. Silent Bob pulls a GRAPPLING GUN
out of his coat. He fires it into the air as Jay quickly
gives the "metal" sign, and the pair are lifted out-of-frame.
INT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT
It's dead quiet and still. Then, the pair smash through a
window, landing in the floor in a ball. They lift their Ninja
hoods. Jay glares at Silent Bob.
JAY
You fat fuck--
INT. VAN--NIGHT
Missy peers through binoculars out the window.
SISSY
They in?
MISSY
You can say that.
SISSY
Time to shine. Let's go.
EXT. VAN--NIGHT
The quartet piles out of the van, and we get our first look
at them: sexily geared up for action, wearing all black.
They head for a SEPARATE BUILDING. Stopping at the front
door.
Sissy gestures elaborately to Missy, and Missy gestures
elaborately back, racing away into the night. Justice offers
Sissy a look.
JUSTICE
You are so gay.
Chrissy sticks a box on the door and presses a button. On a
digital readout, numbers roll until they stop on four
different digits. The door lock CLICKS open.
SISSY
Once we're inside, I want complete
silence.
(holding up high-tech
device)
Missy whipped this up. It counts our
decibel level. If it goes into the
red--alarm, we're dead. So not even
the slightest noise, got it?
Justice blows her off. Sissy enters the building, followed
closely by Chrissy. Justice lingers at the door, taking one
last look back at the Provasik Building, fretting for Jay
and Bob.
SISSY
(pokes her head back
out)
Justice! Move your ass!
Justice heads inside. We PAN up to reveal a sign that reads:
BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE.
INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHT
Jay and Bob stand there, looking around the room.
It's lines with cages, all of which contain sad-looking
ANIMALS. A tear forms in silent Bob's eye. Jay rolls his
eyes and hits him.
JAY
Stay frosty, you big fucking softie.
We've got a job to do.
Silent Bob nods and clicks on a flashlight. The pair wade
through the cages. Jay stops at an EMERGENCY BOX hanging on
the wall. Inside it, there's a pistol.
JAY
Check this out, Lunchbox. Animal
tranquilizer. This shit fucks you up
like Percocets!
Jay elbows the glass, breaking it. He takes the gun out and
tosses it to Bob.
JAY
Hold this. Later, me and Justice can
shoot each other with it and fuck
like stoned test bunnies. Bunnggg.
Silent Bob rolls he eyes and sticks the gun in his coat. The
pair look through the cages, until HEAR the distinct SOUND
OF A MONKEY. Jay directs Silent Bob's flashlight to the cage
from where the sound emitted. He smiles.
JAY
(reading)
"Suzanne." Boo-yah.
INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT
The three Girls stand at the end of a large hallway. At the
other end is a glass case, full of DIAMONDS.
Sissy pulls and aerosol can from her utility belt and sprays
the air in the hallway. She watches the decibel monitor,
which rises only slightly at the sound of the spray. Suddenly,
within the mist, laser beams become apparent.
Sissy hands the decibel monitor to Chrissy and takes a few
steps back, shaking her hands to limber up. She then runs
forward and does an impressive series of flips down the
hallway, not touching a single laser beam.
Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.
Once Sissy's flipping comes to a stop at the other end of
the hallway near the Diamond case, she makes a hand gesture
to Justice. Justice nods, and proceeds to do the same series
of flips down the hallway, not tripping the alarm.
Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.
Justice lands beside Sissy, and then Sissy gestures to
Chrissy.
Chrissy tosses the decibel monitor over the laser beams,
Sissy catches it, and the monitor rises only slightly.
Then, Chrissy proceeds with her series of flips, which are
even more impressive than the other two, including running
up walls and pushing into handstand flips. When she passes
the last laser beam, she lands between Sissy and Justice,
arms in the air like a gymnast. Then, she lets out a loud,
manly FART.
The decibel monitor goes red and an alarm starts RINGING
through the building.
CHRISSY
Holy fuck--the little stoner was
right--
Sissy shutters the glass surrounding the Diamonds. She ours
them into a bag, and races back down the hallway, followed
by Justice and Chrissy.
EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT
The Girls emerge from the Diamond Exchange, just as Missy
pulls up in a CONVERTIBLE.
CHRISSY
Boom Box!
Missy tosses a metal box to Chrissy, who catches it and races
toward the van, while Sissy and Justice pile into the
convertible.
SISSY
I can't believe it. Months of planning
and it's all blown by a fucking fart.
JUSTICE
We can't just leave them like this!
That alarm's gonna bring the cops
here any minute!
SISSY
That was always the plan, Justice!
They take the heat off of is long
enough until we can get out of town!
Chrissy attaches the metal box to the side of the van.
CHRISSY
Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.
The girls pull up in the convertible and Chrissy jumps into
the car with them.
CHRISSY
It's set. Let's roll.
The convertible screeches away, leaving the can sitting there.
The metal has magnetically attached to the side is counting
down from two minutes.
INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHT
Jay and Bob carry a large canvas bag between them. Something
seems to move inside it. The head for the exit, but Silent
bob hesitates, offering a sad look to the animals in all the
cages. Jay hits him.
JAY
What the fuck are you looking at?
There ain't no snacks here, man! Now
we got what we came for, so let's
get the fuck out!
Silent Bob half-gestures to the cages, forlorn. Jay shakes
his head frustrated.
JAY
Yeah, it's sad! But what the fuck
are we supposed to do about it?
Silent bob offers Jay a look.
EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT
The front doors burst open, spilling out Jay, Silent Bob
(carrying their bag), and HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--cats, dogs,
birds, rabbits. All race off into the night.
Jay and Bob race toward the van. Jay screams at it.
JUSTICE
JUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS!
Suddenly, Jay and Bob stop dead in their tracks.
JAY
Oh shit--
Three COP CARS screech up, the van between them and Jay and
Bob. The COPS leap out of their cruisers, guns drawn. Jay
looks to Bob, pissed
COP
DROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNS
EXPLOSIVE!
The counter on the device attached to the van hits "0," and
the van BLOWS UP. Jay and Bob get thrown backwards in one
direction, the Cops in the other. On all fours, Jay looks
at the burning shell of the van, a tear forming in his eye.
JAY
Justice--
We crane up from him as he bellows--
JAY
JUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!!
Silent Bob grabs Jay and drags him out of frame, still
carrying the bag.
EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY
We start on a sign on the door that reads: Federal Wildlife
Marshal, Colorado Field Office, then pull back to see a DEPUTY
opening the door and heading inside.
INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY
The Deputy enters just as a FAX is coming through at an
operations board. He rips it off, reading it. His eyes go
wide.
DEPUTY
Oh, fudge...
(calling off)
Marshal Willenholly!
INT. BATHROOM--SAME
MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY sits on the bowl, staring at Four Legged
Law-Man magazine, eyeing it lustily. Below frame, he jerks
off.
WILLENHOLLY
Yeah, you chug that ass-cock baby--
It takes two hands to hold doesn't
it--? Uhhh--
As he climaxes, a ganging at the door disrupts him.
WILLENHOLLY
WHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING!
DEPUTY (O.S.)
Sir, we got a report of a break-in
at Provasik Pharmaceuticals' testing
lab.
Willenholly emerges from the bathroom, holding the magazine.
There's a massive wet spot on the front of his pants.
WILLENHOLLY
Have you read this article on the
mule-suckers in Tijuana? Good God, I
wish that was in our jurisdiction--
I'd shut down every last one of those
ass-cock chuggers, personally.
The Deputy looks at the stain on Willenholly's pants, then
at Willenholly.
WILLENHOLLY
What? "Ass" means "donkey."
DEPUTY
Yes, sir.
(hands him a fax)
WILLENHOLLY
(looks at fax)
Boulder, hunh? Well, gas up the jet.
DEPUTY
We don't have a jet, sir. And
Boulder's only ten minutes away.
WILLENHOLLY
Then gas up the next best thing.
EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAY
There are FIRE TRUCKS all over the place now. The burned out
van is being poured over by Cops. Just then, Willenholly
pulls up on a MOPED. He parks it and surveys the wreckage.
WILLENHOLLY
My, oh my, oh my. Who let the cats
out?
(thinks)
Wait--is that right?
COP 1 (O.S.)
Excuse me--who the hell are you?
Willenholly rips down the Velcro patch on his jacket,
revealing a badge.
WILLENHOLLY
Federal Wildlife Marshal. This
investigation is now under my
jurisdiction.
COP 1
Oh really? And why is that?
WILLENHOLLY
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.
COP 1
Well, we believe that was just a
diversionary tactic used to call
attention away from the real heist
over here at the Diamond Exchange.
WILLENHOLLY
Yeah, right. That's a believable
scenario. It sounds more like
something out of a bad movie.
Willenholly and the Cop look at the camera. Then, another
COP joins them.
COP 2
Sir, the Provasik people say they've
rounded all their animals up, except
for one: an orangutan.
WILLENHOLLY
Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our
fugitive has been on the run for 6
hours! Average simian foot speed
over uneven ground--barring injuries
or preoccupation with tire tubes,
mites or bananas--is four miles an
hour. That gives us a radius of twenty
miles.
COP 3
(calling out from
crowd)
Twenty-four, sir!
WILLENHOLLY
What?
COP 3
Six hours times four miles an hour
is twenty-four.
WILLENHOLLY
(doing the math in
his head)
Yes. Yes, you're right. My bad. Twenty-
four miles. Now what I want out of
all of you is a hard target search.
COP 4
Excuse me, sir?
WILLENHOLLY
Yeah?
COP 4
What does that mean, exactly--a "hard
target search"? What's a "hard
target"?
WILLENHOLLY
Well. It's--a target--that's--hard.
Anyway--
COP 4
So are you referring to the search's
level of difficulty? Or is the hard
target the monkey?
COP 3
Or the people who stole the monkey?
The COPS now chatter amongst themselves, to the effect of
"Yeah--It could mean that too--He's got a point--,"etc.
Willenholly rubs his temples.
WILLENHOLLY
Okay, how about this? What I want
out of all of you is a thorough search
of every gas station, residence,
warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse,
outhouse, and doghouse in that area!
Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles!
COP 1
Wouldn't it make sense to put them
up at every twenty-four miles--seeing
as that's how far they'd have gotten
in the last six hours?
They begin chattering amongst themselves again. Willenholly
looks at them all, defeated. He starts to cry.
WILLENHOLLY
This is so frustrating. It's just so
hard sometimes--
(yelling)
YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GO
FIND HER!
Another COP joins Willenholly, carrying a large, fat envelope.
COP 5
Sir, this was just delivered to the
station.
WILLENHOLLY
What is it?
COP 5
It's a tape from the terrorists who're
claiming credit for the break-in.
WILLENHOLLY
Is it VHS or Beta? You know what--
never mind. Do you have a VCR?
INT. OFFICE--DAY
Willenholly and the Cops stare at the O.C. TV, shocked, as
the video ends.
WILLENHOLLY
Oh my God--
(without looking up)
Have the jet gassed up and ready to
go at a moment's notice.
COP
Sir, we don't have a jet; just a
helicopter.
WILLENHOLLY
(dialing his cell
phone)
Doesn't anybody have a jet anymore?
(into cell phone)
Plafsky? It is Willenholly. You gotta
get me on the national news, pronto.
Why?! Because we may very well be
dealing with the two most dangerous
men on the planet!
EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY
Jay and Silent Bob sit close to each other, staring at--
SUZANNE (the ORANGUTAN)--who sits on a log across from them,
staring back.
JAY
This is Jussy's monkey
(to Suzanne, angrily)
JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEY
FUCK!
Suzanne covers her eyes with her hands suddenly. Jay and
Silent Bob, startle, with Jay leaping behind Silent Bob and
pulling back as if he's going to strike.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Do something. Tons of Fun!
Silent Bob offers the ape a weak wave. Suzanne drops her
hands from her face and waves back. Jay cranes his neck to
see over silent Bob.
JAY
Is that fucking thing waving at us?
Suzanne nods. Jay steps out from behind Bob. They state at
the ape.
JAY
Holy shit? That monkey understood
us! Maybe it's some sort of super-
monkey!
Suzanne offer them a "raspberry." Spitting as if the comment
was ridiculous. Jay and Silent Bob react with surprise at
this.
JAY
What the fuck was that for? It's not
a stupid idea! I seen it in Congo?
Suzanne holds her nose, as if to say, "Congo stunk." Silent
Bob smiles in agreement and amusement. Jay looks at him,
stung.
JAY
You're my bitch. You get my back.
Don't go joining this chimp's side.
Jay looks around the woods, formulating a thought. Silent
Bob moves toward the ape, extending his hand to shake hers.
JAY
Yo--what if there's more super monkeys
up in the lab? Maybe they're making
an army of 'em up there! Holy shit!
Maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the
X-Files Roswell--style!
JAY'S DELUSION: We enter into JAY'S HEAD and see--
INT. LAB--DAY
We PAN over from a chimp in a chemist's coat measuring liquids
in a pair of beakers to a chimp at a drafting table sketching
blueprints for an insidious war machine. An orangutan shakes
hands with a group of five well-dressed men, one of which
looks like the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files.
JAY (V.O.)
Working in secret with a crew of
double-dealing, nicotine-fiending
fucks that're selling out the human
race, these supermonkeys will use
simian science and their genius IQ's
to make man and monkey alike believe
that they're the superior species!
EXT. BALCONY--DAY
A monkey dressed like Mussolini addresses a huge crowd of
apes, who wave fists in the air.
JAY (V.O.)
Then all it'll take is one little
monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the
dumber chimps into a frenzy, until
they go all ape-shit and start
demanding more bananas, better pay,
and human flesh!
EXT. FIELD--DAY
Randal leads a pack of humans racing through a cornfield,
and is shot in the neck. He collapses, revealing a GORILLA
on horseback holding a rifle. Two other Gorillas throw a net
over him.
JAY (V.O.)
You'll have to be faster than Walt
Flanagan's Dog to outrun the warrior
gorillas, who hunt humans for sport,
profit, and the occasional inter-
species blow-job. And if you don't
wind up with a monkey hog in your
mouth, you'll be captured, killed or
worse...
INT. LAB--DAY
Cornelius and Zera-looking chimps dissect the brain of a
living, screaming, Dante.
JAY (V.O.)
Eaten alive!
EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY
The Quick Stop is overrun by vines in a jungle like
atmosphere. Monkeys exit the store carrying bunches of
bananas. The sign now reads: Ape Stop
JAY (V.O.)
Then these monkey fucks'll start
wearing our clothes and rebuilding
the world in their image.
EXT. BEACH--DAY
We start on a FULL SHOT of Jay on the beach, looking up,
then SNAP ZOOM OUT to REVEAL Jay kneeling before the beach
buried Statue of Liberty, screaming, his arms raised.
JAY (V.O.)
And only those who outwit those damn
dirty apes'll ever remember that it
was MAN who once ruled the earth!
JAY
(at statue)
YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMN
YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!
WE DISSOLVE FROM THIS IMAGE TO:
EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY
Another close-up of Jay's painted face. Behind him, Suzanne
and Silent Bob are playing patty-cake. Jay eyes Suzanne
angrily.
JAY
Not on my watch, motherfucker!
Jay turns and rushes Suzanne, ferociously.
JAY
DIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!!
Jay trips on a root poking out of the ground and hits the
dirt. Suzanne then goes over to Jay, pulls his face to hers,
and kisses him on the lips.
JAY
Alright--you can live. For now.
Silent Bob helps Jay to his feet.
JAY
You see that? Bitches love me.
(heading off)
Besides--we're in the fucking clear,
yo. It's not like anyone knows we
stole the monkey.
INT. TV NEWS STATION--DAY
An ANCHORMAN addresses the camera.
ANCHORMAN
I'm Reg Hartner and this is a News
Now bulletin. A Provasik animal
testing facility in boulder was the
focus of an attack by a terroristic
primate rescue syndicate calling
themselves the Coalition for
Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers.
Or simply, C.L.I.T.
A graphic of the C.L.I.T. logo appears beside him, nailing
home the joke.
ANCHORMAN
In a videotape sent to authorities
this morning, credit for the
liberation of an orangutan from the
lab last night is taken by these men--
A VIDEO CAPTURE of JAY and SILENT BOB from pre-break--in
appears on screen.
ANCHORMAN
--identified in literature that
accompanies the tape as Jay and Silent
Bob. In this chilling clip, they
make it very clear that they are in
control of the C.L.I.T.
On screen is the C.L.I.T. Logo. A digitized voice narrates.
DIGITIZED VOICE
We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are
safe. Now tremble before the might
of our merciless leader.
The logo gives way to the video of Jay and Bob that Sissy
shot before the Provasik break-in. Jay's yelling into the
camera.
JAY
I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!!
Coming out of the video footage, the Anchorman shakes his
head, chilled.
ANCHORMAN
Terrifying. Here to help us understand
this footage is Federal Wildlife
Marshal Willenholly.
PULL OUT to reveal Willenholly beside the Anchorman.
ANCHORMAN
Marshal, what can you tell us about
the C.L.I.T.?
WILLENHOLLY
From the intelligence we've been
able to gather, we've discovered
that the C.L.I.T. is a tiny offshoot
of the L.A.B.I.A.
ANCHORMAN
The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning
Apes movement.
WILLENHOLLY
Exactly. The men you saw in the video
are believed to be the masterminds
responsible for the frenzied C.L.I.T.
activity last night. They go by the
obvious code names "Jay" and "Silent
Bob."
(to camera)
If you should come across them or
any other C.L.I.T.-ies, please--
exercise extreme caution.
INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHT
On the TV screen is Willenholly and the video capture of Jay
and Silent Bob. Holden looks up from his drawing table,
shocked.
ANCHORMAN (O.S.)
(from TV)
Marshal, how do you respond to
allegations that Federal Wildlife
Marshal's Office allowed the C.L.I.T.
to slip through their fingers?
WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)
Nonsense. We're all over the C.L.I.T.,
Reg.
HOLDEN
(shakes his head)
Nights like this, I miss dating a
lesbian.
INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT
From behind the register, Dante and Randal stare at the TV,
slack-jawed.
ANCHORMAN (O.S.)
(from TV)
Is there also speculation that Jay
and Silent bob may be responsible
for the Diamond Exchange jewel heist
that occurred in the same vicinity
of downtown Boulder last night?
WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)
There's nothing to suggest that, no.
But these men are still to be
considered very dangerous.
RANDAL
(to Dante)
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.
EXT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAME
On the second-floor terrace of a run-down, roadside motel,
Sissy, Missy and Chrissy dance in their undies and drink
champagne. On the first floor terrace below, Justice leans
against the open sliding glass door, watching the news report
on a TV inside the room with the volume turned way up.
ANCHORMAN
(on TV)
Is that your cell phone?
WILLENHOLLY
(on TV)
Yes, Excuse me.
(on TV, into cell
phone)
Federal Wildlife Marshal. I'm on my
way!
(shuts phone; to
anchorman)
We got 'em. They're in Utah.
(to camera)
Citizens of Utah--steer clear of the
C.L.I.T. Stimulation of the C.L.I.T.
is not recommended.
Justice turns the TV off and yells up to Sissy.
JUSTICE
Your tape worked. The news is all
about Jay and Silent Bob's Provasik
break-in, with almost no mention of
the Diamond heist.
SISSY
(yelling down to
Justice)
I told you those two were the perfect
patsies. Now we lay low for awhile--
just in case--and start planning the
next job.
JUSTICE
Don't you feel any regret? Jay and
Bob don't deserve this. They were
really sweet.
CHRISSY
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that little trout-mouthed prick like
a fish and playing Twister with his
vitals.
MISSY
You are so nasty.
CHRISSY
I'll show you nasty, you little slut.
SISSY
Would you two get a room?
CHRISSY
Fine--we'll take yours.
(getting up in Sissy's
face)
I am gonna stain your sheets, bi-
otch.
Chrissy dances away with Missy, heading inside. Sissy rolls
her eyes.
SISSY
Sarah Lawrence girls. Go figure.
JUSTICE
They're your gang.
SISSY
Oh and not yours? You know, I don't
get you, Justice. You used to be all
about the girl stuff: stealing,
boning, blowing shit up. Now you're
like this little priss with a
conscience. It's really a fucking
drag.
JUSTICE
We all gotta grow up some time.
SISSY
If moping around over some little
boy you're crushing on is being grown-
up, then pass me my Wonder Woman
underoos.
JUSTICE
Don't you feel the least bit of guilt
for what we did to those guys?
SISSY
Awww. Does Jussy-wussy feel all dirty
about setting up her boyfriend? Then
how about taking a shower?
Sissy dumps the bag of diamonds over the side of the terrace.
They rain down on Justice below. Just then a PIZZA DELIVERY
GUY approaches the lower terrace, carrying a stack of pizzas.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
You the gals that ordered the pizzas?
SISSY
This dopey bitch ordered the large
plain, but I could go for some hot,
thick, Sicilian.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
No charge, lady. He rushes into the
motel, Justice sighs, looking up at
the stars.
JUSTICE
(quietly)
I'm sorry, Jay.
INT. DINER--DAY
Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne sit at a booth, eating. Jay
chews a burger while Silent Bob eats pancakes and Suzanne
digs into a banana split.
JAY
You know, Justice died trying to
save this monkey, so maybe we should
keep her around. That way, we can
honor her memory.
Silent bob and Suzanne are oblivious, digging into their
food.
JAY
Look at you Tubby Bitches. I'm waxing
all sentimental, and you're all about
a fucking meal and shit. Now ain't
you glad we stopped to eat? And you
were all piss-scared the cops'd bust
us or something. You know what I
say?
(singing, a la NWA)
VOICE (O.S.)
(via bullhorn)
THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WE
KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITH
YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDER
THE ORANGUTAN!
Jay and Bob freeze and go wild-eyed for a beat. Then--
JAY
You think they're talking to us?
EXT. DINER--DAY
There's a few COP CARS outside, and the SHERIFF is yelling
at the diner through his bullhorn. Beside him are the other
COPS.
SHERIFF
YOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.
(to other COPS)
Fuck it, Let's give 'em thirty.
Suddenly Willenholly rushes up, dramatically ducking behind
the car, gun drawn.
SHERIFF
The ape.
WILLENHOLLY
What?
SHERIFF
An orangutan's a member of the great
ape family. It's not a monkey.
WILLENHOLLY
Look, who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshal here?
(into bullhorn)
JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERAL
WILDLIFE MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY! YOUR
C.L.I.T. DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.
SURRENDER THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY,
AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT!
INT. DINER--DAY
Jay, Suzanne, and Silent Bob peer over the top of their booth,
like scared rats.
JAY
What the fuck are you waiting for?
Go out there and give 'em the monkey.
Silent Bob looks to Jay, shocked.
JAY
Oh, what, man? I said that shit before
I knew they were gonna shoot us!
Yes--Jussy was a hottie, but I ain't
takin' no bullet for no monkey!
Bob pulls Suzanne close to him, welling up with tears. Jay
rolls his eyes.
JAY
Oh, brother--this is like something
out of fucking Benji! Look man, maybe
it's not that bad back at the lab!
Maybe they experiment on 'em by,
like making 'em fuck a bunch of
different, good-looking monkeys. We
don't know! Maybe they got it real
sweet!
Suzanne shakes her head "no." Bob points to her, as if she's
strengthening his point.
JAY
(to Suzanne)
You stay out of this, you weepy little
chimp!
(looks around thinking)
Fuck man, I ain't no strategist!
You're the guy that makes the
blueprints! I don't even have the
fucking smarts of a little--
Jay's eyes fall on a scared FAMILY in a nearby booth. There's
a little kid (around five or so), and he's wearing a hooded
sweatshirt and a baseball cap.
JAY
--kid
EXT. DINER--DAY
Willenholly's on the bullhorn, yelling at the diner. The
Sheriff looks on.
WILLENHOLLY
ANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEY
BETTER HIT THE DECK! WE'RE GOING TO
OPEN FIRE!
(to cops)
Everyone has bullets in their guns,
right?
Jay and Silent Bob emerge from the diner, with Suzanne between
them (they're holding her raised hands). She's now dressed
up in the sweatshirt and jeans the kid was wearing in the
diner, with the baseball cap pulled down over her face.
It's a pretty piss-poor disguise.
JAY
Don't shoot! We're just trying to
take our son out of this hostile
environment!
From behind the cop car, the Sheriff looks to Willenholly.
SHERIFF
Their "son"?
WILLENHOLLY
Maybe they're one of those gay
couples?
Jay seizes on the idea. Silent Bob nods fervently.
JAY
Yeah! We're gay! And this is our
adopted love child! We're not from
around here! Don't make us go back
to our liberal city home with a tales
of prejudice and bigotry in the heart
of Utah!
(whispers to Bob)
You see the shit I gotta put up with
for you! Now I got this guy thinking
I'm gay!
WILLENHOLLY
Oh God, this is the last thing I
need--a bunch of uppity homosexuals
shooting their mouth off in the
liberal press that the Federal
Wildlife Marshal's Office persecutes
gays.
SHERIFF
ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAY
BE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T THEIR SON!
THAT'S THE APE!
WILLENHOLLY
You see this badge? I think I'd
recognize an ape if I saw one. And
the only thing I do recognize here
is a political fiasco I'm, going to
avoid by letting this butt-fucking
Brady Bunch go!
Jay is whispering to Silent Bob, still vexed by--
JAY
And I'll tell you another thing:
what if that guy shows up around the
stores one day and starts telling
everybody you and me are poo-gilists?
How are we gonna get any pussy then,
hunh?
WILLENHOLLY (V.O.)
YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS!
Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, shocked. They look
back out at Willenholly, who's yards away. Jay points at
himself, as if to say, "Me?"
WILLENHOLLY
(via bullhorn)
YES, YOU, SIRS.
JAY
(calling over)
So we can just go?
WILLENHOLLY
(via bullhorn)
Yes, sir--or ma'am. Please accept my
apologies for detaining you and your
unorthodox-but-constitutionally-
protected-family unit.
SHERIFF
(amazed)
Un-fucking believable.
JAY
I'd like to offer a big gay thank-
you, sir. We'll tell all our gay
friends that Utah is Gay friendly
country for gays who are gay.
WILLENHOLLY
I'm sure Utah appreciates that. You
might also want to make it clear
that the Federal Wildlife Marshal's
Office is also pro-'mo as well.
(winks at the sheriff)
And might I add, that's one fine-
looking boy you're raising.
JAY
Well, that's 'cuz he's from my sperm.
See, I knocked up a hot woman friend
of ours who I also fuck on the side.
So as not to be all-the-way-gay. But
my tubby husband here is one hundred
percent queer. He loves the cock.
WILLENHOLLY
He certainly looks insatiable.
JAY
'Bye
WILLENHOLLY
'Bye
Jay, silent Bob and Suzanne head off down the road.
Willenholly and all watch them go. The Sheriff is livid.
WILLENHOLLY
Well, it's not my way--but damned if
there doesn't go one happy family.
(balloon two)
Now, we just shoot some tear gas
into that diner, and when the two
guys run out with the monkey, we'll--
Willenholly suddenly freezes, thinking. He looks to the
Sheriff.
WILLENHOLLY
That was the them, wasn't it?
EXT. ROAD--DAY
Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne are laughing.
JAY
I said you "love the cock"! I gotta
be the craftiest motherfucker alive!
GUNSHOTS RING OUT, and bullets whiz by the trio, who are now
in full panic mode.
Willenholly and the Cops race after them, firing.
Jay, Bob and Suzanne race away, ducking bullets.
JAY
FLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!!
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
The trio race across what looks like a bridge (but isn't),
shots still ringing out. Jay spots a manhole. He points at
it, screaming.
JAY
HEAD FOR THE SEWERS!
Silent Bob pops the cover off, With bullets ricocheting all
around them, Jay leaps into the manhole.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL
Jay lands in a sewer tunnel (like in The Fugitive). Suzanne
lands on top of him.
JAY
Take your stinking paws off me, you
damn dirty ape!
(yelling up)
YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP!
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
Bullets hitting the pavement around him, Silent bob dives
into the sewer grate as well, but--
INT. SEWER TUNNEL
Silent Bob gets stuck. Jay rolls his eyes.
JAY
You fat fuck.
Silent Bob struggles while Jay and Suzanne try to pull him
through the hole.
JAY
You just--had to--order pancakes--
didn't ya?
EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME
CLOSER on the running Willenholly and Sheriff.
WILLENHOLLY
Fire a warning shot into that bulbous
ass!
SHERIFF
One rectal breach, coming up!
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME
Jay and Suzanne pull with all their might. Bob strains.
JAY
SUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!!
EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME
TIGHT on the Sheriff, as he squints to aim.
SHERIFF
Open up and say "ahhhhh," you stoner
sumbitch--
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME
TIGHT on Silent Bob bellowing.
SILENT BOB
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
The Sheriff's gun fires.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME
Jay and Suzanne fall backwards, as Silent Bob pops through.
JAY
INCOMING!!!
SILENT BOB
AAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
SUZANNE
OOOOOOOOO!!!
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
The bullet ricochets off the curb, as Silent Bob's feet slip
through.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME
Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne are in various states of
collapse. Jay and Bob look up at the hole.
JAY
Just like Winnie-the-Pooh.
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
Willenholly and the Sheriff arrive at the manhole.
WILLENHOLLY
Wow! That was an incredibly daring
escape!
(to Sheriff)
You must see that a lot, hunh?
SHERIFF
Shut up!
WILLENHOLLY
Sire, you're very taciturn.
Willenholly starts rolling up his sleeves as the sheriff
looks on.
WILLENHOLLY
You and your men stay up here. When
I corner them, I'll call you for
back-up.
SHERIFF
What're you doing? They're trapped.
The only way they can get out of
there is right here.
WILLENHOLLY
A Federal Wildlife Marshal doesn't
wait for his prey to come to him. He
comes to it. Or goes to it. Is it
"comes to it" or "goes to it"?
(shakes it off)
I'm going in there. I'm counting on
you Sheriff.
Willenholly embraces the Sheriff.
WILLENHOLLY
You've taught me so much.
Willenholly then climbs into the sewer, disappearing. The
Cops look at the Sheriff for a beat, who heads O.C. saying--
SHERIFF
Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to
the station and get some donuts.
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY
TIGHT on Jay, Bob, and Suzanne, looking into the distance,
bathed by natural light. We HEAR the loud sounds of water
rushing.
JAY
This reminds me of the night I fucked
your mom, yo. One big-wet, smelly,
gaping hole, and me wishing I had a
board tied to my ass--
PULL BACK to reveal Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne standing at
the precipice of the sewer tunnel that pokes out of a DAM.
Water rushed below.
JAY
--to keep from falling in.
WILLENHOLLY
PUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDS
UP!
Willenholly aims his gun at the trio's backs.
WILLENHOLLY
MISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!?
Our heroes comply, but Jay speaks.
JAY
LOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO
BACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON HER!
(beat)
AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLY
GAY!
WILLENHOLLY
I DON'T CARE!
(beat)
AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'T
REALLY A LITTLE BOY.
JAY
SURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD--
(pointing to Silent
Bob)
HE LOVES COCK!
WILLENHOLLY
ON YOUR KNEES!
Jay and Silent Bob face Willenholly and kneel. But Suzanne's
still looking out of the dam.
JAY
See, man?! He's lining us up like
fucking circus seals! Well, I'm going
first--I don't want no mouthful of
monkey-spit when I gotta blow this
fucking G-Man.
TIGHT on Suzanne, who's looking down at the raging water
below. Her brow hardens with purpose.
TIGHT on Suzanne's right hand grabbing Jay's right hand.
TIGHT on Suzanne's left hand grabbing Bob's left hand.
Suzanne leaps forward at us, pulling Jay and Silent Bob
backwards.
JAY
GET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!!
EXT. DAM--DAY
Suzanne leaps from the mouth of the tunnel, dragging Jay and
Bob with her.
JAY AND BOB
AAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!
INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY
Willenholly goes wide-eyed, holstering his gun.
WILLENHOLLY
Oh, no--think you can pull a Peter
Pan on me?!
He races toward the mouth of the tunnel and leaps out as
well.
WILLENHOLLY
AAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!
EXT. DAM--DAY
As Willenholly plummets, he passes Suzanne hanging by her
feet off a pipe that pokes out from beneath the mouth of the
tunnel. She's hanging upside down, holding Jay and Silent
Bob's hands.
JAY
HEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK--
SMOKER!!!
EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAY
Willenholly plummets toward the water below and ker-splashes
into the drink.
EXT. DAM--DAY
Suzanne has pulled Jay and Silent Bob back into the mouth of
the tunnel.
JAY
You see that shit? Damn--remind me
not to get on the monkey's bad side.
Yo--boost her up. So we can talk, so
we can get the fuck out of here.
Silent Bob lifts Suzanne over the tunnel onto the--
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
--pavement near the manhole. She sits there, looking down.
EXT. DAM--DAY
Silent Bob lifts Jay over the top of the tunnel toward the
road,
EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY
Suzanne sits by the side of the road. A car pulls into the
shot.
Jay and Silent Bob climb over the cliff onto the highway
just in time to see--
The passenger door slamming on a TRUCK with Los Angeles plates
and a sign that reads CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. Suzanne is
looking out the back window waving. Jay and Bob leap to
their feet, chasing after the truck.
JAY
HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF HER, MAN! THAT'S
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MONKEY?!
The truck speeds away in the distance. Jay and Silent Bob
stand there, panting.
JAY
Man! Who the fuck just steals a
monkey?!
Silent Bob indicates themselves.
JAY
Oh yeah.
(pissed)
Well this fucking blows! We got one
more day to stop those fucks from
making that movie, and someone goes
and takes the only thing I had left
from the one woman I ever loved enough
NOT to try to stick my hand down her
pants!
Silent Bob mimes that they should go after Suzanne.
JAY
Go after the monkey? How the fuck
are we supposed to know where that
thing's going?
Silent Bob mimes in the direction the car went. Jay stares
at him.
JAY
What? What is that supposed to mean?!
Don't just fucking point like--
(imitates him)
You ain't the broad in the Children
of a Lesser God. Use you fucking
mouth for more than eating, ya tubby
bitch!
Bob starts an elaborate pantomime. Jay tries to guess what
he's saying.
JAY
You gotta take a shit? No--you gotta
take a salad? Take a salad? What the
fuck are you trying to say?
Bob's on the verge of tears, trying to mime out his message.
JAY
JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?!?
Silent Bob grabs Jay and screams into his face.
SILENT BOB
THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID
CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU DUMB
FUCK!!!
Bob releases Jay, breathing heavily and storms off in the
direction of the car went. Jay watched him go for a beat,
then follows, muttering under his breath--
JAY
Say it, don't spray it, bitch.
EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY
AN ESTABLISHING SHOT.
SHERIFF (O.S.)
"And might I add, that's one fine-
looking boy you're raising."
INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY
The Sheriff and his men stand around, eating donuts, laughing.
The Station doors slam open, and Willenholly enters, soaking
wet. All the Cops stare at him.
SHERIFF
Well, if it isn't the wildlife
experts. Did you come to it or go to
it?
WILLENHOLLY
Do you have a microwave here, Sheriff?
SHERIFF
We have a toaster oven. Why?
WILLENHOLLY
Because I need to dry my gun out so
I can SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE!
SHERIFF
This might cheer you up.
(hands him paper)
Your office just faxed this over.
Guy there say it's a post from an
Internet chat board, signed by a
"Jay and Silent Bob." Your man thinks
it's a lead as to where those fellas
are taking the ape.
WILLENHOLLY
(reading)
"All you motherfuckers are gonna
pay. You are the ones who are ball-
lickers. We're gonna fuck your
mothers while you watch and cry like
little bitches. Once we get to
Hollywood--"
(looks up)
They're going to Hollywood.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGE
We take a quick visual tour of the city, including the sign,
the line of front of Krispy Kreme, the line in front of Coffee
Bean and Tea Leaf, the Simpson star in the Walk- of- Fame,
the Rocky and Bullwinkle statue, the Beverly Center, Jerry's
Famous Deli, the Hollywood and Vine sign, Mann's Chinese
Theatre, the Star Wars footprints outside of Mann's, the
Chateau Marmont, people on cell phones, Trashy Lingerie.
HOOKERS propositioning a potential JOHN, and finally--
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAY
We start on the street sign, and PAN DOWN to a JEEP WRANGLER
that pulls up. A gorgeous woman in sunglasses drives, with
Silent Bob sitting in the back seat. After a beat, Jay pops
up from under the dash, wiping his mouth, looking around.
The Woman sighs, and zips up her pants. Jay and Bob hop out
and wave to the Woman as the car pulls away. Bob offers Jay
a look.
JAY
What? It's not like it's cheating.
Justice blew up.
Two HOOKERS approach them.
HOOKER 1
Hey, little man. You want some of
this?
HOOKER 2
How about you, Big Boy?
HOOKER 1
If you've got fifty bucks we can get
nasty.
JAY
Oh yeah? How nasty?
HOOKER 2
As nasty as you wanna be, poppie.
JAY
Alright--first, I'll want to tongue
your bung while you juggle my balls
in one hand and play with my asshole
with the other. But don't stick you
finger in. Then. I'll wanna pinky
you and put it in your friend's brown,
while Silent Bob spanks into a Dixie
cup. After that, I'll wanna smell
your titties, for a while, and you
can pull my nutsack up over my dick,
so it looks like a Bullfrog. Then I
want you to flick at my nuts while
your friend spanks me into the same
Dixie cup Silent Bob jizzed in. Then
we throw the Dixie cup out.
The Hookers look at him, dumbfounded, Then--
HOOKER 1
Oh, that's it honey. I quit.
(walking away)
This job just passed the point of no
return.
HOOKER 2
(to Jay)
You one fucked up puppy, poppie.
JAY
(watching them go)
What?! You said 'nasty'?
(shakes his head; to
Bob)
Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck
up.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATER
Jay and Silent Bob walk.
JAY
Alright, here's the plan: first, we
find out where they're shooting that
movie at. After we shut that shit
down, we can start looking for the
monkey. But before we do any of that
shit, we gotta find a motherfucker
in the know. Someone who's like, the
mayor of Hollywood.
They pass a DEALER leaning against a wall, trying to make a
sale.
DEALER
(subtly)
Crack? You want some crack? Sweet-
ass rock. Get you high.
JAY
No man, but you want some weed?
DEALER
(beat)
You on the job?
JAY
(pulling out a card)
Yeah, boy. Jersey Local 408.
CLOSE ON THE CARD. It reads: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OF
DEALERS, LOCAL 408.
There's a graphic of a stoner beside it.
DEALER
I'm Los Angeles Local 305!
They shake hands, slapping each other on the back like Union
brothers.
DEALER
You guys got medical in Jersey yet?
JAY
Shit, no, we might have to strike in
September.
DEALER
Norma Rae like a motherfucker. You
gots to get your benefits, you know
what I'm saying?
JAY
I hear that. Yo--maybe you can help
us out. You know where they're
shooting a movie around here.
DEALER
You in this town and you gonna ask
that question? Be a little more
specific.
JAY
It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust
it up so people stop calling us names
on the Internet, even though they're
not really talking about us but these
characters based on us, and at the
same time, find my ex-girlfriend-who-
got-killed-in-a-car-explosion's
monkey.
Jay exhales. The Dealer stares at him for a beat.
DEALER
I don't know that the fuck you just
said, little kid. But you touched a
brother's heart, so I'm gonna help
you out with some directions to the
studio.
JAY
You know where Miramax is at?
DEALER
Fuck, yes. Miramax accounts for
seventy-eight percent of my business.
INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAY
After E! news logo plays. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO in studio.
STEVE KMETKO
Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent
Bob? A source at the Federal Wildlife
Marshal's Office tells us a posting
was pulled off an Internet movie
chat board that was allegedly written
by the two domestic terrorists
themselves. It's sending a shockwave
through Hollywood. Jules Asner's on
the scene at Miramax Studios, Jules?
Jules Asner is in front of the Miramax Studios main gate.
JULES ASNER
Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is
one of terror today, after the Federal
Wildlife Marshal's Office learned
that hot, new terrorists Jay and
Silent Bob are targeting Miramax
Studios for their next campaign of
blood, violence and monkey-theft. In
the posting, pulled off Movie Poop
Shoot.com, the gruesome twosome
threatened, quote--
(reading)
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax Expletive-Deleted who
are making the Bluntman and Chronic
movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our
Expletive-Deleted, then Expletive-
Deleted, which is made up of our
Expletive-Deleted, then eat their
Expletive-Deleted, which is made up
of our Expletive-Deleted that we
made 'em eat. Unquote. So far, we
haven't been able to get a statement
from anyone here are the studio.
BACK TO STEVE in the E! Studio.
STEVE
Jules, word has it that Ben Affleck
and Matt Damon are on the lot,
shooting a super-secret project.
Have you seen then roaming around?
BACK TO JULES at Miramax Studios.
JULES
No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck
buying a soda at a concession stand
earlier.
STEVE
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
JULES
None whatsoever. However, to be fair,
all the feds have to work with is
murky videotape, so no one's even a
hundred percent sure what Jay and
Silent Bob look like, exactly. For
all we know, they could already be
on the lot.
As Jules speaks, Jay and Bob walk into the frame behind her,
looking up at the studio sign. They then notice the camera
and start waving behind Jules.
INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAY
Justice goes wide-eyed, seeing Jay and Bob on E! She hops
out of her seat.
JUSTICE
Oh my God! Jay! No!
Justice looks around, panicky. Her eyes fall on--
The diamonds, sitting atop the satchel on the table.
Justice looks at the diamonds, then the TV screen. She thinks
for a beat, then--
JUSTICE
Fuck it.
She pours the diamonds into the satchel, and shoves it in
her pocket.
INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAY
The door slowly opens in the dark bedroom, and Justice crawls
to the bedside table, reaching for a set of keys. In the
bed, Missy and Chrissy make out under the sheets, moaning.
Sissy's banging the Pizza Delivery Guy against the vanity.
Justice grabs the keys, leaving a note in their place. As
she crawls back out, we PUSH IN on the note, which reads:
SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM.
EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAY
The convertible skids out, taking off.
INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAY
There's a loud scream, then Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy rush
down the stairs (in varied states of undress and sheet-wrap).
Wiping their mouths. Sissy holds Justices's note.
SISSY
That bitch! That fucking, fucking
bitch!!!
(to girls)
Get dressed. We're going after her.
CHRISSY
Fuck that, I didn't get to cum yet.
SISSY
Which is more important to you: a
fortune in diamonds or busting a
nut?
Sissy and Missy race back up the stairs. Chrissy stands there
still, shrugs, then digs her hand into her panties.
SISSY (O.S.)
Chrissy! Now!
CHRISSY
Fuck--
Chrissy races back up the stairs.
EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAY
The E! NEWS CREW packs up. Jay and Silent Bob study the main
gate. They watch the SECURITY GUARD approach a car that's
just pulled up. The Guard checks the driver's pass, then
lifts the gate to let the car through. Jay looks to Bob.
JAY
We gotta play this right.
Bob nods, After a beat, the pair tear-ass past the guard
booth. The GUARD leaps out of the booth, blowing a whistle
and giving chase.
EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAY
Jay and Bob race around the building toward what looks like
an open alley then smash into it, falling down. The open
alley is a background painting that's being moved by some
SCENICS. Jay and Bob get up, shaking off the impact.
JAY
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
The SECURITY GUARD catches up to them now, grabbing them by
their shoulders, spinning them around.
SECURITY GUARD
Where do you think you're going?
JAY
GET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!!
SECURITY GUARD
This is L.A., sir. We don't rape our
suspects in custody. We just beat
them.
(into walkie-talkie)
Echo Base, I've got a ten-o-seven
here: two unauthorizeds on the lot.
Request back-up.
VOICE
(from walkie-talkie)
I thought that was a ten-eighty-two.
SECURITY GUARD
No, sir--a ten-eight-two is the code
for vanishing a dead hooker from Ben
Affleck's trailer.
VOICE
(from walkie-talkie)
Oh, that Affleck. Backup on the way.
JAY
Hey! I make you a deal: this guy'll
suck your dick off if you let us go!
SECURITY GUARD
Contrary to what you believe, not
everyone in the movie business is
gay.
JAY
Well, how about this deal: he sucks
my dick while you watch and jerk
off.
The Security Guard stops, looks around, then releases them,
reaching into his pants.
SECURITY GUARD
Alright. But make is fast. And sexy.
Silent Bob looks at Jay, wide-eyed and scared.
JAY
Dude, it's either this or jail. And
you know what they make you do in
jail.
Silent Bob wells up with tears, slowly dropping to his knees,
reaching for Jay's pants. The Security guard bends down low
to watch at crotch-level. Suddenly, Jay hammers his two fists
into the Security Guard's neck, knocking him out. Silent
Bob falls into a sitting position on the ground, relieved.
Jay looks at him.
JAY
Well what are you waiting for, bitch?
Start sucking. Bunnggg!
(looking around)
Alright--where they shooting this
movie at?
Silent Bob points behind Jay, at the SOUNDSTAGE they're in
front of. There's a LINE OF PEOPLE waiting at the door.
JAY
Worth a shot. Like a shot in the
mouth, you gay bitch. Eww, dude--you
were really gonna suck my dick.
Silent Bob shakes his head "no," wide-eyed as Jay heads off.
When Jay's out of frame, Silent bob shrugs like, "Yeah--I
guess I was."
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY
Jay and Bob approach the line, as an A.D. calls out to the
crowd.
A.D.
Alright--bar extras. Follow me.
The A.D. starts leading the crowd in. Jay and Bob blend in
and follow inside.
EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY
An official-looking car tears down the road.
INT. CAR--SAME
Willenholly drives, dialing his cell phone.
PHONE VOICE
Federal Bureau of Investigation
WILLENHOLLY
Yes, this is Federal Wildlife Marshal
Willenholly. Can I speak with Agent
Sid Enmarty, please?
PHONE VOICE
One moment, please.
INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAME
AGENT SID ENMARTY works at his desk.
SPEAKER VOICE
Agent Enmarty? A Marshal Willenholly
calling.
AGENT SID
(perking up)
Holy shit! Yeah, put him through.
(calling off)
YO! INCOMING BITCH BOY PHONER!
Two other AGENTS rush in, chuckling. All gather around the
phone as Sid presses the speaker button.
AGENT SID
Willenholly?
BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY.
WILLENHOLLY
Sid? Hey, buddy. I'm calling because
I could really use your help on this
killer case I'm working.
AGENT SID
I'll bet, Will. What's it this time...
Beaver trouble? Some kind of
unauthorized marsupial trafficking?
The agents crack up, stifling their laughter.
WILLENHOLLY
(taking it in stride)
No, no--nothing like that. Say--there
aren't other people listening in,
are there?
AGENT SID
No way, man. It's just me and you
talking here.
WILLENHOLLY
Good. I'm tracking a monkey down
that's on it's way to Los Angeles,
and I could use some bureau backup.
AGENT SID
Los Angeles, hunh? Maybe we should
stake out Clint Eastwood's place.
Didn't he used to drive around with
a monkey that'd punch people and
drink beer?
The Agents crack up. Willenholly's catching on.
WILLENHOLLY
Am, uh--Am I on speaker phone?
AGENT SID
No way--Dunston!
WILLENHOLLY
Alright, now that's not fair. I know
I didn't make it as high up as you
guys, but my job's just as important.
AGENT SID
Calm down, Will. Don't go all...
bananas on us!
The Agents crack up even more, Willenholly's pissed.
WILLENHOLLY
I come to you as a friend--as a fellow
professional--and this is the shit I
get?!
AGENT SID
You're right, Will. Tell you what--
we'll get our best man on your case
right away. You might've heard of
him. He's a doctor.
WILLENHOLLY
(excited)
Oh, a doctor?
AGENT SID
His name's Doctor Zaius!
The Agents laugh hysterically, pounding the desk, Willenholly
tears up, enraged.
WILLENHOLLY
SCREW YOU GUYS!
Willenholly throws his cell phone across the car, the mocking
laughter still emitting from it. Willenholly cries.
EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAY
The Red Light FLASHES outside the soundstage.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME
Jay and silent Bob stand amidst a line of EXTRAS. Silent Bob
looks O.C. goes wide-eyed, and pokes Jay, pointing O.C. Jay
looks and sees--
A COLLEGE BAR set that looks like the College Bar from Good
Will Hunting, complete with CLARK (the stuffy college jerk).
MATT DAMON stands off to the side, loosening up for the scene.
BEN AFFLECK calls to the O.C. DIRECTOR.
BEN
Where are we taking it from, Gus?
Gus Van Sant sits off to the side, counting a stack of money.
He just shrugs.
GUS
I'm busy.
BEN
You're a true artist, Gus
MATT
Just take it from "It's a good
course."
BEN
Oh, now you're the director.
MATT
Hey, shove it. Bounce-boy. Let's
remember who talked who into doing
this shit in the first place. Talking
me into Dogma was one thing, but
this--
BEN
I'm sorry this is taking you away
from whatever-gay-killers-on-horses-
who-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-
flick you're supposed to be doing
this week.
MATT
Oh--I'm touchy-feely? I take it you
never saw Forces of Nature?
BEN
You're like a child. What've I been
telling you? Sometimes you've gotta
do the safe picture. Sometimes, you
do it for art. Sometimes, it's the
payback picture your friend says you
owe him--
They take a beat and look at the camera. Then--
BEN
And sometimes, you go back to the
well.
MATT
And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.
BEN
Now that's just mean.
Jay turns excitedly to Bob.
JAY
This has gotta be the Bluntman Flick,
'cause that's those two fucks from
that Mork movie! Now all we gotta do
is figure out a way to get close to
them--
The A.D. grabs Jay and Bob by the arms and drags them onto
the set, placing them near Ben and Matt in the scene.
A.D.
Just stand there and react. Don't
say anything.
Bob goes a little wide-eyed. Jay smiles at him.
JAY
(off A.D.'s comment)
That's pretty funny.
A.D.
(calling out)
Alright, people. Lock it up. Let's
go for picture.
Jay and Bob eye Ben and Matt fiercely, Ben and Matt are
oblivious.
JAY
On the count of three, we rush those
fucks and beat the shit out of 'em.
'Cause if they're all fucked up,
they can't make the move, right?
Alright, then. One--two--
CLAPPER/LOADER (O.S.)
Good Will Hunting Two: Hunting Season.
Jay and Bob freeze and look at each other, then O.C.
The Clapper/Loader holds a clapboard in front of Ben's face.
It does indeed, read: Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season.
CLAPPER/LOADER
Scene sixteen, take five.
The Clapper/Loader claps the board closed and races off. Ben
looks to Gus.
BEN
Action, Gus?
Gus looks up from counting his money.
GUS
Jesus, Ben--I said I'm busy.
Ben shakes his head and then starts the scene with CLARK.
BEN/CHUCKIE
You should check it out, it's a good
course. But, you know, frankly, I
found the class rather elementary.
CLARK
You know, I don't doubt that it was.
I remember that class. It was just
between recess and lunch.
BEN/CHUCKIE
Are we gonna have a problem, again?
CLARK
There's no problem. I was still just
hoping you might give me some insight
into the evolution of the market
economy in the Southern Colonies.
See, Wood says--
MATT/WILL
(stepping in)
What'd I say? Didn't I say you'd be
back here regurgitating Gordon Wood.
But you forgot about Vickers--
CLARK
No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up
on inherited wealth, Hunting. But
you're not the angry, brilliant young
mind you once were, just itching to
vent your frustrations.
In the background, Jay and Silent Bob get bored and head out
of the shot. After a beat, they get pushed back in by the
A.D.
CLARK
Once Sean told you it wasn't your
fault, you lost the edge, William.
You stopped hitting the books with a
vengeance, and now I've read shit
you haven't even heard about yet.
Face facts, my friend--love made you
a soft little pussy boy, unable to
stand up to an academic showdown,
like you used to. You're just no
longer that good--Will Hunting.
(gets in his face)
Now how do you like them apples?
Matt/Will turns away angrily, facing Ben/Chuckie, looking
downwards, steaming.
BEN/CHUCKIE
I don't like the sound of them apples.
Will, what're we gonna do now?
MATT/WILL
Chuckie--
(snarling)
It's Hunting season.
Matt/Will spins to face Clark with two huge guns in his hands.
He blows Clark away, Jay and Bob hit the deck. Matt/Will
stands there, guns smoking.
BEN/CHUCKIE
Apple sauce, bitch.
Suddenly the door to the soundstage swings open, and the
Security guard Jay knocked out rushes in, followed by other
SECURITY GUARDS who comb the place.
SECURITY GUARD
Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but have a
ten-oh-seven on our hands.
BEN
Wait a second! I wasn't with any
hookers today!
The Security Guard sees Jay and Bob crouched behind Ben, He
points, screaming.
SECURITY GUARD
THERE THEY ARE!
Ben and Matt turn to Jay and Bob, Jay smiles.
JAY
Affleck, you're the bomb in Phantoms,
yo.
Jay and Bob then race out-of-frame, closely followed by the
Security guards. Matt head off, arms thrown in the air.
MATT
If anyone's looking for me, I'll be
in my trailer trying to figure out
how I got here from an Academy Award.
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY
Jay and Bob rush out, pulling a bench in front of the door,
blocking it. They race ten feet to another soundstage across
from them and head inside a door.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME
Jay and Silent Bob rush in to see--
Wes Craven getting ready to direct a scene with a familiar-
looking GHOSTFACE KILLER and SHANNEN DOHERTY. The
Clapper/Loader's clapboard reads: Scream 4
CLAPPER/LOADER
Scream four, scene thirty-seven,
take one.
(claps it and rushes
off)
WES CRAVEN
Action!
The Killer chases Shannen around the room, falling over stuff,
until she hits him with a lamp, knocking him out.
SHANNEN DOHERTY
Alright, you bastard! Let's see who
you really are!
Shannen pulls the mask off the short performer to reveal
SUZANNE.
Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed.
SHANNEN DOHERTY
Fucking Miramax--
(getting up)
CUT!
Shannen heads over to Wes, holding the mask.
WES CRAVEN
Shannen, usually I say "cut."
SHANNEN DOHERTY
A monkey? Jesus, you guys aren't
even trying anymore, are you?
WES CRAVEN
The market research suggest that
people love monkeys.
Jay and Silent Bob rush in, grab Suzanne.
JAY
WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
They rush out. West shrugs to Shannen.
WES CRAVEN
See?
Security Guards race through, chasing after the exited pair.
EXT. LOT--DAY
Jay and Bob race through the lot, with Bob carrying Suzanne.
On a fake New York city street, another movie is shooting.
The trio, bob and weave through the shoot, until--
At the end of the alley, a set GOLF CART pulls up, and four
Security Guards pile out, forming a human wall, blocking
their path. Jay and Bob stop dead, looking back to see the
other Security Guards gaining.
JAY
What the fuck are we gonna do?
Just then, a P.A. on a bike pulls up nearby. He ditches the
bike and grabs papers from the large hanging basket in front.
Jay and Bob look at each other, race over to the bike, and
jump on, putting Suzanne in the basket. They start pedaling
away furiously, closely followed by the Security Guard posse.
Silent Bob peddles like mad, racing toward the Golf Cart.
JAY
PUNCH IT!!!
Bob pops a wheelie and the Bike races up the front of the
vehicle, taking flight,
Below, the Security Guards stare in awe as--
Jay and Silent Bob atop the bike--with Suzanne in the front
basket--go past a moon (on a billboard, on the side of a
soundstage) a la E.T.
Jay and Bob look down, then at each other. They smile. Then
they look ahead and let out a scream.
The bike crashes through a window in the side of a Soundstage
Building.
INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY
The Bike lands, and Jay and Bob, and Suzanne go tumbling
onto the floor covered in glass. They look up to see.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS dressed as Jay and Silent
Bob, looking down as them.
JAMES
Holy shit--that looked like it hurt.
JASON
Are you guys alright?
(off Suzanne)
Hey! They've got a monkey!
Jay and Bob look at their twins, then at each other.
JAY
Yo, I think that shit just kicked
in.
JAMES
Let's get you guys on your feet.
James and Jason help Jay and Silent Bob to their feet. All
stare at one another, perplexed,
Then--
JAY
(to James)
See man? Its never, "Hey--you were
in Loser, or, "Dude--you rocked in
Boys and Girls." It always comes
back to that fucking pie! I'm haunted
by it.!
JAMES
Well, you put your dick in a pie,
dude--
JASON
Enough!
(to Jay)
Jason Biggs.
JAY
Yo-you really get to third base with
the Russsian chick like you did in
the movies?
JASON
You mean Shannon? Sadly, no.
JAY
She's fucking hot, man. If I was
you, I'd been like--
Jay mimes a series of sexual maneuvers. Jason and James look
on, bewildered.
JAY
(off James's-look)
What, man? You never did one of these?
Jay starts miming again, and suddenly stops, staring at James,
blown away.
JAY
Holy shit? You're the Dawson!
JAMES
It's James, actually. James Van Der
Beek.
JAY
Yo, what's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you? If I was you, I
would've drowned his ass in your
Creek and shit!
JAMES
I know, Because what--is Josh better
looking than me? Fuck, no. I mean,
who on earth is better looking that
me? I ask you.
JAY
Joey, man! She's too fine! Yo--did
you ever get to third base with her?
JAMES
Well, there was this one time--
(catching himself)
Wait a second--who are you guys?!
JASON
They're our stunt doubles, dumbass.
(to Jay)
Right?
JAY
Stunt doubles for what?
JAMES
The movie we start shooting in a few
minutes--Bluntman and Chronic Strike
Back.
JASON
(to Bob)
You're doubling me. I'm playing
Bluntman, AKA Silent Bill.
JAMES
Bob
JASON
Right. And he's playing Chronic. AKA
Ray.
JAMES
Jay! Shit, did you even read the
script?
JASON
There's a script?
Jay and Bob stare at them, blankly. Then Jay puts up his
finger, indicating they should wait a minute. He gets into a
huddle with Silent Bob and Suzanne.
JAY
These are the guys who are playing
us, yo. We take them out, and bickety-
bam! No movie.
Silent Bob nods at Jay, then Suzanne. Suzanne heads off,
leaving Jay and Bob to huddle.
JASON
(off Jay and Bob, to
James)
What's with the weird, gay huddle
going on over there?
JAMES
What's gay about it? It's two guys
talking in a corner. Man--why are
you such a homophobe.
JASON
I'm not a homophobe.
JAMES
You are. You're always calling things
gay. "Ooo--look at the gay huddle,
dude!"
Suzanne approaches them.
JASON
Hey--look at the monkey.
JAMES
Next you're going to tell me the
monkey's gay.
JASON
He's so cute--
(to Suzanne)
C'mere. Monkey. C'mere--
Suzanne pulls Jason and James out of the frame.
While Jay and Silent Bob continue to huddle, the sounds of a
beating are heard, O.C.
JAY
Alright, here's what we do: start
swinging, and don't stop until those
young Hollywood fucks are out of
commission. Ready? Break!
Jay and Bob spin to face Jason and James--only to go wide-
eyed. Suzanne stands atop the fallen actors, who are bloodied
and beaten and knocked out cold. She holds her hands skyward,
clasped like a champion.
JAY
That's one funky monkey.
Suddenly there's a banging at the door of the dressing room.
VOICE (O.S.)
Mister Biggs? Mister Van... Der--
Beek? This is Security. We've got a
pair of intruders at large, and they
crashed through a window we thought
might be yours.
JAY
(to door; deepening
voice)
Uh--yeah. They're in here.
SECURITY GUARD
Do they have you hostage? Should we
call your publicists?
JAY
NO! I mean, we kicked those guys'
asses bad. They're--knocked out.
EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAME
The Security Guards stand outside a door marked James.
SECURITY GUARD
Great work, sirs! If you let us in,
we'll take over--
JAY (O.S.)
(through door)
NO! Me and Jason Biggs are naked in
here! Together!
The Security guard look at one another.
SECURITY GUARD
Uh--okay. We'll just be--outside the
door, sirs.
The Security Guards stifle a laugh, as one makes a blow job
face to the rest.
INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY
Bob opens an AIR VENT in the wall. He puts Suzanne into it
and hands her the tranquilizer gun, miming to her. She nods,
and starts crawling through the ductwork, Bob closes the
vent again, and starts rifling through a nearby closet.
JAY
What the fuck are we gonna do?! How
are we gonna get out of here without
them seeing us?
Silent Bob pulls a pair of hangered COSTUMES from the closet,
smiling.
EXT. LOT--DAY
The Security Guards push a cuffed Jason and James into a
waiting Cop Car. The pair are still dressed like Jay and
Silent Bob.
JAMES
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS!
JASON
HEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'M
THE PIE-FUCKER.
SECURITY GUARD
(to Cops)
He'll be the pie--in prison.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAY
Jay and Bob creep toward a door (we don't see the outfits).
JAY
This was a good idea, Lunchbox. In
these outfits we're totally incognito.
Suddenly, and A.D. appears, grabbing them by the shoulders.
A.D.
Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek?
Great--you've changed costumes
already. Let's get you to set.
(pulling them off)
The director doesn't like to be kept
waiting.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SET
It looks like the Batcave, but it's not. Off to the side,
near the monitor and chair setup, a black DIRECTOR eyeballs
the hustling, white crew.
DIRECTOR
Look at all these crackers, Seventy
million dollars and I can't even get
a black grip?
A white P.A. brings a cup of latte to the Director.
P.A.
Here's your coffee, sir.
DIRECTOR
(eyes the coffee)
You spit in this? Because I know
all you white folks are pissed off
that the studio'd entrust a multi-
million dollar to a brother.
P.A.
I didn't spit in it, sir.
DIRECTOR
Then taste it! Go on!
The P.A. takes the cup and sips from it. He tries to hand it
back to the Director.
P.A.
It's all good, sir.
DIRECTOR
No it ain't all good. Oh, you think
I want it now, after your lips touched
the cup? Get the fuck off my set!
P.A.
You the man, sir.
DIRECTOR
No you the Man! And that's the
problem!
The Director glares at the scared P.A., as he cautiously
skulks off. BANKY EDWARDS approaches.
BANKY
Uh, Chaka? Yeah, hi--I'm Banky
Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and
Chronic. We met a few weeks back.
I'm the executive producer.
DIRECTOR/CHAKA
Oh--you're the executive producer,
hunh? Well go "produce" me a latte
no white folks spit in--okay Fucky?
BANKY
Banky. I just wanted you to know
that I respect your work as an artist.
I'm something of an artist myself. I
was the inker on the comic book.
CHAKA
An inker? What, like you trace?
Banky's face drops as the A.D. joins them.
A.D.
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the
set, Chaka.
CHAKA
I don't see 'em. Where are they?
(into bullhorn)
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE STARS OF THIS
PIECE OF SHIT?!
On the Bluntcave set, two massive doors open in the fake
rock. Smoke pours in, and Jay and Silent Bob--now dressed as
BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--step from the darkness. Jay and Bob
survey the set, amazed.
JAY
This must've set 'em back a couple
hundred bucks.
CHAKA
Look at this shit.
(off their outfits)
A gay hood ornament, and the color
Purple.
JAY
Who the fuck are you?
CHAKA
Who the fuck am I? I'm the fucking
director, is who I am. Chaka Luther
King. The creator of all of this.
JAY
Wait a sec--I thought Holden and
Banky created this shit.
CHAKA
And I'm stealing it. I'm taking it
back for all the shit you people
have stolen from us! Did you know, I
came up with the idea for Sesame
Street before PBS? I was going to
call it N.W.P.--Niggaz with Puppets.
(beat)
Alright--enough small talk. Let's
shoot it.
Chaka heads back toward his monitor. Jay and Bob are confused.
JAY
Wait, wait, wait!! Aren't you gonna
direct us?
CHAKA
I'll be directing you to the food
stamps line after I fire your ass,
if you talk back like that to me
again!
JAY
But we don't know what we're supposed
to do here. We didn't even read the
script.
CHAKA
So? Neither did I. Shit, neither did
the studio.
(pointing O.C.)
Look man, it's not hard. In this
scene, the bad guy breaks into the
Bluntcave. You make up some shit,
fight him for a while, I film it, I
yell "cut," and then head back to my
trailer, where I got more white women
waiting for me there than the first
lifeboat off the Titanic!
(confidentially)
They all want a part of the movie,
and I got just the part for 'em.
Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed, as Chaka heads off.
CHAKA
LET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW!
A.D. (O.S.)
QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE!
Chaka climbs behind his monitor. The P.A. is waiting for him
with another cup of coffee.
P.A.
I got you another cup of coffee,
sir. Spit free.
Chaka smacks the coffee out of his hand and sits down.
The Clapper/Loader jumps in front of the startled Jay and
Bob, getting ready. After a beat, he turns to Silent Bob.
CLAPPER/LOADER
I just wanna say that I loved when
you fucked that pie.
(calling off)
BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK,
SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE ONE!
The clapper/Loader shuts the clapboard and races off. From
behind the monitor,
Chaka calls out--
CHAKA
ACTION!
Jay and Bob (as Bluntman and Chronic) look at each other for
a beat. Then--
JAY/CHRONIC
Uh--Snootchie Bootchies.
Suddenly, the wall to their left explodes. Jay and Bob hit
the deck. Through the smoking rubble steps COCK-KNOCKER--the
arch--nemesis of Bluntman and Chronic. He's a normal-looking
man with huge, overgrown FISTS.
JAY/CHRONIC
What the fuck?
COCK-KNOCKER
You thought I'd never find your
precious Bluntcave, did you, Hemp
Knight? But now you and your sidekick
are finally in the grasp of Cock-
Knocker!
JAY/CHRONIC
Why do they call you "Cock-Knocker"?
Cock-Knocker slams one of his huge fists into Jay's balls.
Jay drops to his knees, wailing. Cock-Knocker then pulls a
vibrator-looking device from his cape. He presses a button
on it and a laser beam rises out of the vibrator, like a
light saber.
COCK-KNOCKER
Any last words before I bust your
balls, Bluntman?
Silent Bob quickly looks right, then left. His eyes fall on--
A wall of armaments, on which hands a SILVER BONG, under the
placard: BONG SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE.
It's out of his reach.
Silent Bob closes his eyes, concentrating. He reached his
hand out to the Bong Saber, attempting the Jedi Mind Trick.
Suddenly, the Bong snaps from the armory into Bob's grip.
The Bong Saber blasts to life and Bob strikes a defensive
pose. Bob rushes the astonished Cock-Knocker and the pair
start light saber dueling.
CHAKA
(from behind monitor)
Damn! Now that was one special effect!
This picture's gonna make House Party
look like House Party Two!
A.D.
Or House Party Three?
CHAKA
Shut the fuck up!
Cock-Knocker battles Bob back. He vogues some impressive
blade handling, prompting Bob to make a run for it--up the
ladder of the Bong Reactor and over Cock-Knocker's head. He
lands behind Cock-Knocker, striking another pose. Cock-
Knocker then high- kicks Bob in the face, knocking him on
his ass across the floor. Cock-Knocker rushers over to deliver
a saber kill-shot, when we hear--
JAY (O.S.)
YO-BITCH-FISTS!
Cock-Knocker turns to see--
Jay, standing on the rotating monitor station, holding a
double-sided saber. He clicks it and TWO beams emit (a la
the Darth Maul light saber in Episode One).
JAY
Call me Darth Balls. Bunngg.
Jay leaps at Cock-Knocker, wielding the double-beamed Bong
Saber.
CHAKA
(from behind the
monitor)
I think George Lucas is going to sue
somebody--
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY
Willenholly's car screeches up, and Willenholly jumps with a
shotgun. He slides across the hood of the car and lands beside
the flashing red light.
WILLENHOLLY
(looking around)
So, this is Hollywood?
(suddenly full of
purpose)
Lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent
Bob.
Willenholly cocks his shotgun and heads for the door.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY
The door bursts open, and Willenholly charges in, firing two
shots, O.C.
WILLENHOLLY
FREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!!
Willenholly goes wide-eyed.
It's not Bluntcave. We're on a different soundstage, where a
kid's movie's being shot: Mooby's Grand Adventure. There's a
Barney-sized MOOBY surrounded by little KIDS. The Kids stare
back at Willenholly terrified. The Mooby suit has smoking
bullet holes in it. Mooby collapses.
WILLENHOLLY
Oh my God--
(to kids)
Um--sorry. That was supposed to be a
warning shot. Uh--it looks like I'm
on the wrong, uh--wrong set.
The Kids look at the fallen Mooby. On looks angrily at the
O.C. Willenholly.
KID
You killed Mooby--
(to Kids)
LET'S GET HIM!!!
The Kids charge Willenholly, who screams like a woman as
he's attacked.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME
Jay attacks Cock-Knocker with his Bong Saber, full throttle.
COCK-KNOCKER
(breaking character)
You are not upstaging me, Van Der
Beek!
Jay whacks away happily at the actor playing Cock-Knocker,
hacking him up onto the ladder of the Bluntcave's nuclear
reactor. Cock-Knocker climbs the ladder slightly to evade
the attack, dueling Jay back with the saber in his other
hand.
COCK-KNOCKER
(to O.C. Chaka)
CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A
"CUT"!
On cue, Jay delivers a kill-shot to one of Cock-Knocker's
huge fists, cutting it off (a la Empire).
Silent Bob joins Jay, as Jay turns off this double-Bong Saber,
Jay grins at Cock-Knocker.
JAY
Now whose balls have been busted,
bitch?
Suddenly, a gun shot rings out.
All turn to see a roughed-up Willenholly, training his gun
first on Jay, then Bob.
WILLENHOLLY
The C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and
Silent Bob!
(revealing badge:
calling out)
Everyone stay calm. I'm a Federal
Wildlife Marshal. These men are the
leaders of a terrorist organization
wanted for the abduction of a monkey.
VOICE (O.S.)
They didn't really steal that monkey.
All turn to see Justice approaching from the shadows.
Willenholly trains his gun on her. Jay's mouth drops.
JUSTICE
It was just a diversion so we could
steal these.
Justice pulls the bag of diamonds from her jacket, revealing
them.
JUSTICE
And they're not the leaders of
C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T. is not real.
WILLENHOLLY
No--the clit's real. The female orgasm
is a myth.
JUSTICE
(to Jay)
Are you guys alright?
JAY
I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty
Fuck.
JUSTICE
(smiling)
You remembered.
(back to business)
It was a frame-up, Jay. Sissy. Missy,
Chrissy, and I are international
jewel thieves. We were setting you
up as a patsy, but I couldn't go
through with it, because I... because
I love you.
JAY
Yeah? So that means you'll fuck me,
right?
VOICE (O.S.)
If she does, it'll be considered
necrophilia.
All turn to see Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy slinking from the
shadows, guns drawn.
SISSY
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
(to Justice)
Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad
time?
MISSY
You should've just let these guys go
down, Jussy.
JAY
Hey, I wanted to go down, but I was
waiting until I got to know her a
little better. See, there was this
little angel on my shoulder, and he
said--
CHRISSY
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand in your pansy red
booties.
JAY
(looking down)
Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red
booties!
(to Bob)
Man--why the fuck didn't you tell
me?
SISSY
Let's have those diamonds, Jussy.
JUSTICE
I can't do that, Sissy
SISSY
(points her gun at
Jay)
Then lover--boy gets one in the brain.
CHAKA
YO!
All turn to look at Chaka.
CHAKA
Would any of you lovely ladies like
a private audition to be in my movie?
Justice high-kicks the gun out of Sissy's hand. It lands on
the ground discharging. Then everyone starts shooting and
running for cover.
Jay and Silent Bob hurl themselves over the Bluntmobile.
Missy and Chrissy flip over a lavish, exquisitely-packed
craft service table labeled. CAST. They pop back up and start
firing at Willenholly. Willenholly leaps behind a barren
craft service table that holds a bag of Smarties and a dented
can of RC Cola. He pops up and returns fire. When both are
out of bullets, they drop back down behind the table and
reload. From behind his table,
Willenholly yells--
WILLENHOLLY
WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'M
JUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL!!!
CHRISSY
TWO REASONS: ONE--WE'RE WALKING,
TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES!
MISSY
AND TWO: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.
WILLENHOLLY
ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!
The Girls and Willenholly both pop back up and open fire
again.
Chaka ducks behind the monitor.
CHAKA
A shitload of white people with guns?
Time to get my black ass out of here!
He races off, passing Justice and Sissy, who circle each
other defensively, striking kung fu poses.
SISSY
You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.
JAY (O.S.)
HEY!
JUSTICE
(ignoring him)
What's it gonna be, Sissy? Which
fighting style do you want me to
kick your ass in?
SISSY
Are you kidding me? I taught you all
all your moves myself. There's not a
style you can bust that I can't defend
against.
JUSTICE
You're no match for my "Shaolin Monk."
SISSY
Yeah, but I can bury you with my
"Crouching Tiger."
JUSTICE
A little "Venus's--flytrap"?
SISSY
I'll counter with "Dragon Crane."
JUSTICE
How about a little "Bitch, My Man
Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy"?
SISSY
(beat; smiles)
Bring it on.
Justice rushes Sissy and instead of sleek kung fu, they launch
into a down-and-dirty, girl's cat-fight; hair pulling and
screaming.
Behind the Bluntmobile, Jay and Bob watch all the action.
JAY
Yo--I hope one of 'em rips the other
one's shirt off and we see some tit.
Both Bob and Jay smile at each other, nodding. Banky joins
them, crawling in on his belly, covering his head.
BANKY
Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? I
just wanted to say hi. I'm--
JAY
Banky fucking Edwards! Just the
motherfucker we came to see!
BANKY
(shocked)
Holy shit! What the fuck are you
guys doing here?!
Sissy has Justice on her belly, banging her face into the
floor, screeching. Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.
BANKY
Stop the movie?! Are you crazy?!
JAY
All these assholes are calling us
names on the Internet, 'cause of
this stupid movie!
BANKY
I feel for you boys--I really do.
Those Net snipers can be really cruel.
But Miramax paid me a shitload of
money for Bluntman and Chronic, so
it occurs to me that people bad-
mouthing you on some web-site is
none of my FUCKING CONCERN!
SILENT BOB
Oh--but I think it is.
Banky stares at Silent Bob, agog, Jay rolls his eyes.
JAY
Here we go again--
SILENT BOB
Shut the fuck up.
(to Banky)
We had a deal with you on the comics
for likeness rights. And as we're
not only the artistic basis but also
the character basis for your
intellectual property, Bluntman and
Chronic, when we said property was
optioned by Miramax Films you were
legally obliged to secure our
permission to transfer the concept
to another medium. As you failed to
do that, you're in breach of the
original contract--ergo, you find
yourself in a very actionable
position.
Banky stares at Bob, even more agog, joined by Jay. After a
beat, Jay adds--
JAY
Yeah.
Justice now has the advantage over Sissy, holding her head
and kicking her in the face, repeatedly, screaming.
BANKY
So, what do you guys want, to go
away and take your lady friends with
you?
JAY
Shitcan this movie so we don't get
called names on the Internet anymore.
BANKY
Even if there's no movie, people are
still free to talk shit about you on
the Internet. That's what the
Internet's for: slandering others
anonymously. Stopping the flick
isn't going to stop that!
In the background, we see Justice high-kick Sissy into the
air.
JAY
Well this isn't fair! We went to
Hollywood, I fell in love, we stole
a monkey, we got shot at, and got
punched in the motherfucking nuts!
We ain't leaving empty-handed!
On cue, Sissy drops from above, landing in Jay's lap.
JAY
What's up baby? You look good!
BANKY
Isn't that your girlfriend's enemy?
JAY
Oh yeah.
(pushing Sissy off
him)
Get the fuck offa me, pig!
Sissy races at Justice, leaping atop her, pulling her hair.
Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.
BANKY
You guys are gonna ruin my movie
career.
JAY
Well, we want something for our mental
anguish.
BANKY
Tell you what: we'll settle this
monetarily. I'll give you half of
what I made.
JAY
Half?!?
BANKY
Half's not good enough? Fine--I'll
give you two-thirds of what I made!
JAY
Fuck-you--you already said half? You
can't take it back!
Silent Bob rolls his eyes, Banky shakes Jay's hand.
BANKY
Done
Justice throws Sissy off, onto the floor. Both get up, facing
each other.
SISSY
Your shit is so tired, Justice!
JUSTICE
Call me Boo-Boo Kitty Fuck--BITCH!
Justice high-kicks Sissy and she goes flying across the stage.
Sissy sails toward the craft service table, landing atop
Missy and Chrissy, knocking them out.
Willenholly stands to see why the girls stopped shooting.
WILLENHOLLY
Hello? Truce?
(beat)
I think I killed both of them.
Suddenly, he lets out a shriek and falls forward, revealing
a tranquilizer dart in his ass, and SUZANNE standing behind
him, holding the gun up in the air. Justice surveys her
handiwork for a beat, then calls off toward the Bluntmobile.
JUSTICE
C'mon guys. It's over.
Jay, Bob, and Banky pop up from behind the car and join her.
JAY
Yo, I was just about to jump in there
and get your back.
Then, the SOUND of SIRENS rings out in the distance.
JAY
Holy shit, the cops! We gotta get
out of here!
JUSTICE
No. I'm tired of running.
Justice lifts Willenholly into a sitting position and taps
his face.
JUSTICE
You awake, Marshal? Marshal?
WILLENHOLLY
(tries to move but
can't)
Oh my God, I'm paralyzed. The monkey
shot me in the ass and paralyzed me!
Oh the irony!
JUSTICE
(off Suzanne's gun)
You're not paralyzed. It was just a
tranquilizer.
WILLENHOLLY
Jesus! Tranqued by a little monkey!
My friends in the Bureau are never
gonna let me live this down!
JUSTICE
You have friends in the F.B.I.?
WILLENHOLLY
(crying)
They all made it in, but I failed
the exam. Why the hell else do you
think I became a Federal Wildlife
Marshal? 'Cause I'm a joke!
Justice looks toward the direction of the sirens, thinking.
Then--
JUSTICE
Maybe not. I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the F.B.I.,
regardless of test scores.
WILLENHOLLY
What kind of deal?
JUSTICE
You drop the charges against Jay and
Silent Bob and say you never found
the ape. Make sure the world knows
they're not in control of any C.L.I.T.
JAY
Now wait a second--
JUSTICE
I'll explain later, Jay
(to Willenholly)
In exchange, I'll give you the
diamonds I stole, and turn in Sissy,
Missy, Chrissy, and myself. But I
want a reduced sentence.
WILLENHOLLY
You'd be willing to do that?
JUSTICE
(off Jay)
For him? I'd be willing to do
anything.
Justice stands and takes Jay by the hands.
JUSTICE
I'm an international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
JAY
That's alright. I'm a junkie with a
monkey.
JUSTICE
If I go to prison, will you wait for
me?
JAY
I don't know. Will we fuck when you
get out?
Justice smiles and kisses Jay Passionately. The kiss should
say it all, but--
JAY
Don't change the subject. Will we
fuck when you get out?
JUSTICE
Snoogans.
Justice and Jay kiss again.
Suzanne reached up to Silent Bob, who picks her up. She grabs
his face and kisses him.
Willenholly looks to Banky.
WILLENHOLLY
Wow. There's a lot of love in the
room.
BANKY
Regardless of what you may have heard.
I do not kiss guys.
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATER
Justice and Jay are still kissing, until Willenholly pulls
her away and loads her into the waiting Cop Car.
WILLENHOLLY
Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
(to Jay: friendly)
Hey--stop stealing monkeys.
JAY
Fuck you.
WILLENHOLLY
Fair enough.
Willenholly closes the door behind Justice and gets in the
car.
JUSTICE
(to Jay)
Wait for me.
JAY
What--here?
Jay looks at Justice, confused, as the Cruiser pulls away,
leaving Jay, Bob, Suzanne, and Banky. They start walking
down the lot.
BANKY
Well, boys--you're rich in love--
(indicating Jay)
Well, you're in love. And to top
that off, you've got your own monkey.
What more could two guys from Jersey
possibly want?
JAY
All those fucks to stop talking shit
about us on the Internet, for
starters.
BANKY
What do I keep telling you? There's
not much you can do to stop that.
Well, short of showing up at all
their houses and beating the shit
out of them, I guess.
Jay and Bob suddenly freeze. They look at each other and
smile.
JAY
(to Bob)
You know--with all that money we're
gonna make we can buy a lotta plane
tickets.
START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGE
EXT. SKY--DAY
A passenger JET flies through the sky.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY
Jay and Bob stand across the street from a house. They check
the address on the big ream of paper they're carrying, nod
at each other, and cross the street.
INT. HOUSE--DAY
The doorbell rings. A MOTHER answers it to see Jay and Silent
Bob standing in the doorway.
MOTHER
Can I help you?
JAY
Yes. Ma'am, Does--
(reading of paper)
William Dusky live here?
MOTHER
Yes. He's my son.
JAY
May we talk to him, please.
MOTHER
One moment.
She walks away. After a beat, a fifteen-year-old KID comes
to the door.
KID
Yeah?
JAY
Yo--do you post as--
(reading off paper)
Magnolia-Fan on Movie Poop Shoot.com?
KID
Yeah.
JAY
And did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent
Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses?
KID
Yeah, a while ago. So?
Jay and Bob nod at each other, then grab the KID, pull him
outside, and start beating the shit out of him on his front
lawn.
EXT. SKY--DAY
The passenger jet flies again, this time in the opposite
direction.
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAY
Jay and Bob knocking at another door. Another MOTHER answers.
They speak, she heads inside, and another KID comes to the
door.
JAY
On Movie Poop Shoot.com. did you say
Jay and Silent Bob--
(reading off paper)
"--are fucking clown shoes. If they
were real, I'd beat the shit out of
them for being so stupid."
KID
(chuckling)
Yeah.
JAY
Really--
Again, Jay and Bob pull the Kid outside and beat the shit
out of him.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY
Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a CLERK.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAY
Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a WOMAN.
EXT. RECTORY--DAY
Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a PRIEST.
INT. OFFICE--DAY
Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a BUSINESSMAN.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHT
The marquee reads: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK ARE
BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC!
WORLD PREMIERE!
The front doors open and the CROWD lets out. First we see
DANTE and RANDAL.
RANDAL
Now that was worse then Clash of the
Titans.
DANTE
I still can't believe Judy Dench
played me.
RANDAL
Hey--remind me to renew that
restraining order.
DANTE
Why?
RANDAL
Because I'm gonna blast the flick on
the Internet tonight.
STEVE-DAVE and WALT exit.
STEVE-DAVE
Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent
comic book movie?
WALT
Tell'em Steve-Dave!
STEVE-DAVE
Would you stop saying that?
ALYSSA and TRISH come out.
TRISH
Well, that was just another paean to
male adolescence and its refusal to
grow up.
ALYSSA
Yeah, sis--but it was better than
Mallrats. At least Holden had the
good sense to keep his name off of
it.
TRISH
Why wouldn't Miramax option his other
comic instead? You know--the one he
drew about you and him and your
relationship?
ALYSSA
You mean Chasing Amy? That would
never work as a movie.
BANKY and HOOPER exit.
BANKY
I'm so fucking embarrassed--
HOOPER
Honey, you should be. They took your
characters and reduced them to one
ninety-minute-long-gay joke. It was
like watching Batman and Robin again.
BANKY
Thanks. That means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends to be Shaft as
opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
HOOPER
I don't hear you complaining nightly.
In fact, the only thing I do hear
you say is "Yes, Hooper! Cradle the
balls and work the shaft!"
BANKY
(looking around)
Hey! Hey! What'd we say? Not in
public!
A guy behind them calls out to Banks.
GUY
Nice movie, you fucking Tracer!
BANKY
(recognizing him)
You--!
GUY
That's right, you sonovabitch! I'm
back for round two!
Banky grabs the guy by the throat and starts choking him,
while Hooper tries to break them up.
WILLENHOLLY exits with Justice in hand-and leg cuffs and a
prison uniform. They're flanked by two ARMED PRISON GUARDS.
WILLENHOLLY
You know, I don't get out to the
movies much. But I'd have to say
Bluntman and Chronic was Blunt-tastic!
JUSTICE
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
WILLENHOLLY
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
And finally, Jay and Silent Bob come out.
JAY
YO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET,
FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND IN THE
WORLD: MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!!
WHIP PAN to Morris day and The Time on stage, performing
"The Bird." During the song, Morris points to--
Jay and Bob, who are dancing with Suzanne and Justice (who's
still in cuffs, flanked by the Guards). Jay looks to Bob,
they nod at each other and--
Jay and Silent Bob, join Morris Day and the TIME onstage,
and dance us out to the coda, which reads--
CODA
Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back went on to make a mere 2.3
million at the box office. It was the biggest commercial
failure in the history of Miramax films. The film was roundly
drubbed as a bad idea by the denizens of the Internet chat
boards, and over the course of the next year, while they
waited for the Quick Stop restraining order to expire, Jay
and Silent Bob tracked them all down and beat the shit out
of them.
CREDITS. THEN--
INT. NOWHERE
A familiar WOMAN closes a book that's marked: THE VIEW
ASKEWNIVERSE. She puts the book down, smiles at us and skips
off.
THE END
|
| Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Writers : Kevin Smith
Genres : Adventure Comedy
User Comments
|
|
