Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels

By Guy Ritchie




INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT

This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards, 
tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a bright  pair of eyes. One is 
bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their 
clarity.

EDDY
Three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three 
cards and these you can't change. If you don't look at your cards 
you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake. Three of any 
kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty-
five to one. Then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit 
running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and 
finally whatever the highest card you are holding. There are some tell-
tale signs that are valuable; I am not going to tell you them because 
it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player, 
not make one. So you want to play?

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

What have you got?

We cut to a beady pair of eyes and then to his cards as they are turned 
over: three hearts of no consecutive numbers are exposed. That's a good 
hand. A flush beats my pair. What about you?

* Cut from completed film.

Another pair of excited eyes widen to the question. We see more cards: 
a run is revealed.

And here's me trying to explain the game to you. Hustlers, you're all 
hustlers!

We cut to a shot of a small amount of money being scooped up. OK! You 
got some real money?

DISSOLVE TO BLACK: MORE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

Ed scoops up a large pile of money.

Odds chaps, you gotta remember the odds.

There ? a loud slam of a door. We cut to a wide shot of a policeman 
who has just entered. It is then revealed that two of the three players 
are also policemen. They stand to attention, red faced with 
embarrassment.

SERG
I hope I am not interrupting. Comfortable, Edward?

EDDY
I haven't slept for forty-eight hours, got a dozen broken ribs, can 
feel a case of the flu coming on and . . .

SERG
(interrupts)
All right, all right, don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you; 
but before I do, I need to know what's going on, son.

EDDY
If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.

We pull back out of the black to reveal that we have been sitting in 
the inside of a shotgun. The barrels recede further, then `boom.' LOCK 
STOCK are shot out of the top of the screen in peppered letters. We 
wait for a while, as the barrels reappear through. the smoke. We then 
see one smoking barrel; 'boom!' the other is let off: AND TWO SMOKING 
BARRELS joins the sentence.]

EXT. STREET (FLASHBACK] - DAY

We open on a smart, casually dressed man selling perfume and jewellery 
on a street corner. A crowd has gathered, attracted by the alarming 
volume at which he is advertising his wares.

BACON
See these goods, they never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-
by-the-gas-light. If you can't see value here today you're not up here 
shopping, you're up here shoplifting. Take a bag, take a bag. I took a 
bag, I took a bag home last night and she cost a lot more than ten 
pounds I can tell ya. Tell me if I am going too cheap. Not ninety, not 
eighty, not forty, half that and half that again, that's right, ten 
pounds. Don't think 'cos it's sealed up it's an empty box. The only man 
who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you 
here today I would make more money with me measuring tape.

A well-dressed, zealous character (Eddy) appears from behind the crowd 
waving money. It seems he can't wait to get rid of it.

EDDY
Bargain, that's a bloody bargain if I ever heard one. Ten pounds you 
say? I'll have five.

Certainly sir. I'll just wrap.

Changing his attention.

BACON
Excuse me misses, sorry sir, ladies first and all that.

A tourist spectator, rather than a buyer, has been. put on the spot. 
She fumbles through her bag hastily all too aware of the attention of 
the crowd, of which she is now the focus. She passes her money like 
it's contaminated. Others follow suit.

Buy 'em, you better buy 'em; they're not stolen, they just never been 
paid for.

This really stokes the fire. The money can't come fast enough. Just as 
business reaches its peak there is a call of alarm from the first 
enthusiastic punter, who seems to be rather more familiar than he first 
pretended.

EDDY
Bacon!

Bacon's expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms 
between Ed's, Bacon's and a third party's eyes (the police) reveal 
there is a problem. They're off: EDDY and BACON run like they have done 
this before. They go down an ally; Ed jumps some stairs, we freeze.

BACON
(voice-over)
Ed can run fast, talk fast, eat fast, and play cards fast, but he's 
fucking slow when it comes to spotting the roz.

EDDY
(voice-over)
The reason he is called BACON is he spent so much of his youth in the 
police station that people thought he was one of them. But he is a big 
boy now and it is time to move on.

We cut to a shot of Ed as he lands. He has made good distance.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP - MORNING

EDDY arrives at a grocer's shop. We meet Tom. Tom is talking to Nick 
the Greek.

TOM
What are you talking about? I am bloody skinny, pal.

NICK
Of course you are. All right, Ed.

EDDY
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure. All right Tom, what you been eating?

Tom examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.

TOM
Please, both join me in my orifice.

INT. GROCER'S SHOP STORE ROOM - DAY

They work their way past a maze of boxes.

NICK
(fingering and admiring one of the boxes)
How much did you say it was, Tom?

TOM
You know how much it is, Nick.

NICK
And that does include the amp?

TOM
You know it doesn't include the amp.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN -AFTERNOON

Tom and Ed make their way through a busy, well-equipped kitchen. This 
is obviously a smart and serious establishment. They stop in front of 
the man whose uniform is covered in blood; he appears to be the head 
chef. Meet Soap.

TOM
What have you come as?

SOAP
Cupid stupid! That's the last time I am getting any more fruit off you 
Tom. Call that fresh? There was more small hairy armoured things in 
your fruit than there was fruit. You should open a butcher's, not a 
grocer's.

TOM
If you will order stuff that comes from Kat-Man-Fucking-Du don't be 
surprised if your fruit picks up a few tourists en route. ~ Never mind 
that, what about the money?

SOAP
Get your fingers out of my soup!

SLOW MOTION

Soap pulls out a bag from under where he is sitting.

TOM
(voice-over)
Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any 
unlawful behaviour. He is proud of his job, and even more proud that 
it's legal.

BACON
(voice-over)
 He's a stroppy sod but he's got more balls than a golfer, only he 
doesn't know it. ' * Cut from completed film.

16

RELEASE SLOW MOTION]

Ed looks in bag.

EDDY
Are you sure you can afford twenty-five?

SOAP
Well that depends on how you look at it. I can afford it as long as I 
see it again, if that's what you mean. You got the rest from the fat 
man and Bacon?

Tom looks on with suspicion.

TOM
Who's this fat man, then?

EDDY
Bacon, the fat man and myself, and it's time to make a call to Harry.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

A hard-looking man of about fifty is sat behind a large antique desk. 
On this desk is a hatchet resting in a block of wood, poised like a 
judge's hammer. Harry is obviously in the sex game. Cluttered up in a 
hazardous way are a selection of dildos, spanking paddles, etc. A 
cabinet of fine-looking shotguns is placed behind. We have a split 
screen involving EDDY and his friends (listening in) and Hatchet with 
one hand on the phone and the other on a shotgun.

HATCHET
You got it all?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY.

EDDY
A hundred grand.

FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

TOM
(voice-over)
You see it's not easy to take a seat at this table; the money involved 
has to be a hundred grand upwards and there is no shortage of punters.

EDDY
(voice-over)
The man who decides if you can play is this man Harry, or Hatchet Harry 
as some including himself like to call him.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET
Well if you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind . . .

The phone is slammed down.

SHOT OF HATCHET

SOAP
(voice-over)
When the old bastard is not playing cards he's chasing a thousand debts 
that ill-fated individuals owe for an array of reasons.

BACON
(voice-over)
Sex and sleaze and antique shotguns are all deep and dear in Harry's 
stone cold heart.

Cut from completed film.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

HATCHET
What's this EDDY like, then?

The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting 
opposite Hatchet. Meet Barry the Baptist.

FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

EDDY
(voice-over)
Hatchet has a colleague, a monster of a man: Barry the Baptist.

BACON
(voice-over)
The Baptist got his name from drowning people for Hatchet.

TOM
(voice-over)
But he needs him, because he is good at making sure debts get settled 
and jobs get done.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

BARRY
EDDY been shaking the knees of a lot of good players. The boy has a 
rare ability, he seems to make cards transparent, got bluffing dow . . 
.

HATCHET
(interrupts)
All right, all right, so we can say he is good.

BARRY
Better than good, he is a fucking liability.

HATCHET
Where did he get a hundred grand?

20

BARRY

He has got some adhesive mates, they have tossed up between them.

HATCHET
And JD is his dad, and owns the whole property?

BARRY
No mortgage, no debts; lock, stock, the sodding lot . . . don't worry, 
I got it under control.

HATCHET
Good, you can get this under control now.

A glossy Christie's brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique 
hammer-lock shotguns is shoved in Barry's face.

It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money, and these little 
beauties are up for auction, but I am not paying quarter of a million 
quid for 'em, if you know what I mean Barry. One of my associates has 
given me an address and the location of these lovelies. Make sure we 
get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don't want to know who 
you use, as long as they are not complete muppets; and don't tell them 
what they're worth.

Changing the subject.

'Ere! Hold on, what do you think of these? We are selling hundreds.

Holds up one of the spanking paddles.

BARRY
Er, very nice Harry. What's it for?

HATCHET
Don't play innocent with me Bazza; spanking!

The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.

INT. TORTURE ROOM - DAY

Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating. 
Administering pain is Dog's forte. He is also the Guy we cut from the 
last scene `slap' to the teeing of a golf ball. Wallop. Dog pulls a 
sadistic and alarmingly pleasurable face.

DOG
It's a dog eat dog world, lads, and I got bigger teeth than you.

We see an individual hanging upside down tied up with gaffer tape but 
otherwise naked. An orange is stuck in the man's mouth. Dog is standing 
on another man's chest who has a tee stuck between his teeth from where 
Dog fires golf balls at the other unfortunate figure. The tied-up man 
is Gordon. The other is Slick. Gordon nods his head erratically 
implying that he has reached a decision.

(to Plank)
I think your man is trying to say something.

Pause.

Perhaps not; maybe I should have another swing just to make sure.

Agonised muffled screaming from Gordon. Slick (who has a tee in his 
mouth) shuts his eyes in horror as the golf ball thumps into Gordon.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you would like to tell us?

The orange is removed from Gordon's mouth.

GORDON
(rushing to get the words out)
In the kitchen, under the floor . . .

SLICK
(interrupts)
Shut it, you idiot . . .

Dog swings the golf club round Slick's jaw, knocking him unconscious.

DOG
You were saying?

GORDON
It's in the karzi, pull the fishing wire under the seat. Jesus, for 
god's sake let me down.

PLANK
Oh, Dog! . . . I think you want to have a look at this!

Plank returns holding an assortment of drugs and cash. Gordon starts to 
scream. Dog picks up a steel for sharpening knives and throws it across 
the room. Thunk. Silence follows. Plank grimaces.

Oh, Dog!

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - EVENING

Ed, Bacon, Soap and Tom park outside their house. As they get out they 
pass Plank and John who have also just parked. They ignore each other, 
and go to their separate doors.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

BACON places a pile of money on a table. The rest are eating, Tom keeps 
looking at his plate distastefully.

BACON
Twenty-five from me, Tom, Soap and yourself; a hundred grand to the 
pound. You don't need to count it.

EDDY
I still will, if you don't mind.

TOM
(eating)
So, a reasonable return should be in the region of one hundred and 
twenty, for twenty-five grand invested. That's going on previous 
experiences.

SOAP
That's going on optimism.

TOM
Whatever it's going on, it's still enough to send you on a cooking 
course.

SOAP
You're not funny Tom; you're fat and look as though you should be 
funny, but you're not.

Tom is definitely not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. He 
examines himself to see if something has developed.

TOM
Fat? Who are you calling fat? What are all these fat jokes about?

The light switch above Tom's head lets out a few sparks causing him to 
cower in a sharp defensive action.

Jesus! It's good in here, ain't it! Trains overhead, walls exploding . 
. . Why the hell did you move in?

EDDY
Because it's cheap like a budgie.

BACON
And nobody wants to live next door to the people that we live next to; 
a bit anti-social, you know.

BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.

TOM
What do you mean?

EDDY
He means they're thieving dogs.

BACON
I mean when they are not picking peanuts out of poop, they're ripping 
off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

BACON opens the cupboard doors and puts his finger to his lips. The 
noise from next door immediately gets louder.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

DOG
(off)
No you prat, that's for me.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Dog has a small pile of money and pills that he is distributing to his 
lads.

DOG
How many times do I have to explain this to you, Plank? You find a job 
worth doing and you will find your share improving . . . Now do you 
have a problem with that?

He obviously doesn't.

INT. ED AIVD BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

EXT. BIG BOY'S GYM/SOLARiUM - NIGHT

Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).

BIG CHRIS
How long has he been in there, son?

LITTLE CHRIS
About twenty minutes.

BIG CHRIS
Is he on his own?

LITTLE CHRIS
Just carrying a bag.

BIG CHRIS
Let's have a look, shall we?

INT. GYM/SOLARIUM - NIGHT

BIG CHRIS
Son, have a look under that one.

Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.

LITTLE CHRIS
It's not him, Dad.

BIG CHRIS
Try that one.

Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.

LITTLE CHRIS
Sleeping like a baby.

Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.

BIG CHRIS
This is one of those high-powered numbers, isn't it?

John O'Driscoll's eyes widen; Chris slams down the sunbed on top of him 
as hard as he can.

Got some bad news for you, John.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
What the fu-!

Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.

BIG CHRIS
Mind your language in front of my boy.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
Jesus Christ!

Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.

BIG CHRIS
That includes blasphemy as well. Now tell me, John . . .

JOHN'O'DRISCOLL
Tell you what, Chris?

A man opens the sunbed mom door.

SUNBED MAN
I say, hold on.

LITTLE CHRIS
I say shut it!

SUNBED MAN
You what?

BIG CHRIS
He said shut it!

Chris pulls a mean face; the door is closed.]

Tell me John, how you can concentrate on improving a lovely tan, and it 
is a lovely tan by the way, when you have more pressing priorities at 
hand?

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
Tell Harry . . .

Bang as sunbed comes down again.

BIG CHRIS
Did I say speak? And it's Mr Harry to you . . . Now don't disappoint me 
and chose your words carefully. You may speak.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
I'll have it for Mr Harry in a few days. I have been busy, and I am 
nearly there.

BIG CHRIS
Son, have a look in his locker.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
No chance of you lifting this sunbed up is there?

* Cut from completed film.

30

BIG CHRIS
Yeah, all right.

Big Chris lifts it, then smashes it down again. Now, you want me to 
lift it up again?

Little Chris pipes up. Obviously familiar with counting money he has 
flown through it.

LITTLE CHRIS
He's not poor. Five hundred and sixty pounds and that's just in his 
wallet . . . Fuckin' 'ell John, you always walk around with that in 
your pocket?

The expression on Big Chris's face changes.

BIG CHRIS
Oi! Next time you use language like that, boy, you'll wish you hadn't!

LITTLE CHRTS
Sorry, Dad.

BIG CHRIS
Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that, son. You can go home in 
a plastic bag tonight, John. You owe what you owe arid before this tan 
has faded, you want to have paid.

Chris punches John unconscious and turns the time dial up.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

JD's bar is an impressive sort of uptown-downtown establishment with 
pretty girls serving a laddish clientele. The boys are propped up at 
the bar, looking straight ahead in silence. They look nervous. The 
silence is broken by Ed.

32

EDDY
I am going to the john.

He walks off.

TOM
What you telling us for? The only thing I care about is whether you get 
your rest in.

SOAP
Tom, you're all heart.

TOM
Listen cooky, you want to make sure that man rests before he plays; 
it's in all our interests.

JD
(the bar owner and Ed's father)
All right lads? How's things? How's it going, Soap? Cooking all right? 
Where's that son of mine?

Each time a question is asked the lads try to answer but are just left 
with their mouths open, which remain open as a gorgeous girl walks 
through the bar (Daisy).

INT. SLOANES' HOUSE LABORATORY - NIGHT

We cut to a small, humid, artificially lit, illegal forest being 
cultivated for profit. Someone is smoking a joint and raising his 
eyebrows at his friend. These two characters are J and Charles; they 
have got hair down to their shoulders, small try-hard goatees and 
science-lab coats, with nothing much underneath.

J
(coughing)
This gear is getting heavier you know, Charles. I got a suspicion we 
should have been rocket scientists, or Noble Peace Prize winners or 
something.

A horn blows (the door bell).

CHARLES
Who the hell is that?

INT. SLOANES' HOUSE - NIGHT

The door opens to reveal Willy. Under each arm is a large bag of 
fertilizer.

WILLY
Give me a hand Charlie, I could break sweat at any second.

A voice comes from behind them. At the top of the stairs stands 
Winston. He slowly starts to walk down.

WINSTON
Charles, why have we got this cage?

Pause. Charlie shrugs.

CHARLIE
Er, for security.

WINSTON
That's right, for security. So tell me, Charles, what's the point in 
having it if we don't fucking use it?

CHARLIE
Well, because it's Willy and Willy lives here.

WINSTON
Yes Charlie, but you didn't know it was Willy, did you?

WILLY
Chill, Winston, it's me and Charlie can see it's me, so what's the 
problem?

WINSTON
The problem is, Willy, that Charlie and yourself are not the quickest 
of cats in the alley at the best of times, so just do as I say and keep 
the fucking cage locked.

Pause as the two in the door look slightly pissed off at being shouted 
at. Winston sighs and looks at what Willy is carrying.

WINSTON
What are you carrying, Willy?

WILLY
Er, fertilizer.

WINSTON
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back 
carrying two bags of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willy.

WILLY
We need fertilizer, Winston.

WINSTON
We also need a fucking money counter, William! We have to get the money 
out by Thursday and I'll be buggered if I am counting it . . . and if 
you have to get your sodding fertilizer, couldn't you be a little more 
subtle?

WILLY
What do you mean?

WINSTON
I mean we grow copious amounts of ganja, and you don't look like your 
average hort-er-fucking-culturalist, that's what I mean, Willy.

Winston turns on his heels and walks off. 35

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

Ed returns to the bar to find Tom, Soap and BACON
looking in disbelief.

TOM
(pointing to watch)
What the hell are you doing here?

EDDY
Why, what's up?

TOM
Er, let me guess, my foot in your arse? A game of cards and Hatchet 
Harry. You're supposed to be getting some rest, boy!

Ed grimaces as his father approaches. He has overheard this last 
statement.

JD You playing cards tonight with Harry?

EDDY
(pauses)
Don't be silly Dad, I wouldn't have anything to do with that.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

We calm down for a while. A cool track is playing. Ed is now smartly 
dressed, sitting in an armchair. We have a close-up of his face. He is 
motionless, eyes closed; he looks asleep. The camera slowly tracks down 
his body We reach a single hand; he is cutting the pack skilfully and 
faultlessly; he is very much awake. There is a knock on his door. His 
eyes open.

INT. SEEDY BAR - NIGHT

Near-naked girls are gyrating against blue poles, which keep 
distracting these men's attention. Meet the two Scousers - Gary and 
Dean. The Scousers are in their late twenties, one big, one small. Gary 
(the smaller) sports a large demi-perm. They bear strong Liverpudlian 
accents. They are meeting Barry (Hatchet's man).

GARY
Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?

BARRY
Oh, you must be the brains then. That's right, guns that fire shot . . 
. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There 
will be a load of guns, that's all I want. I'll pay you when you 
deliver. Everything outside the cabinet you can keep; it's yours.

GARY
(sarcastically)
Oh, thanks very much. And there had better be something there for us.

BARRY
It's a fucking stately home, of course there'll be something there.

DEAN
Like what?

BARRY
Like antiques.

DEAN
Antiques? What the fuck do we know about antiques? We rob post offices 
and steal cars, what the fuck do we know about antiques?

BARRY
If it looks old, it's worth money, simple. So stop fucking moaning and 
rob the place.

GARY
So who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?

BARRY
You're doing it for me is all you need to know. You only know that 
because you need to know.

GARY
I see, one of those `on a need to know' basis things, like a James Bond 
film, is it?

BARRY
Careful, remember who's giving you this job.

A bit of confused eye-rolling goes on. Barry eventually looks at his 
watch.

I am off, it's all yours now. Call me when you're done.

As he leaves, the two Scousers eye him distastefully.

GARY
(to Dean)
I hate these Southern shites.

BARRY
(on his way out, whispering to himself)
Fucking Northern monkeys.

EXT. BOXING CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT

EDDY and the lads have all made an obvious effort with their 
appearance. They are met by a doorman.

DOORMAN
Invitations.

EDDY
Invitations?

DOORMAN
Yeah invitations, you know a pretty white piece of paper with your name 
on it.

EDDY
Well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with 
the Queen on it. Will that do?

DOORMAN
All right, just you; the others can wait in Samoan Jo's next door.

EDDY
Samoan Jo's? Yon mean the pub? Hold on . . .

DOORMAN
Hold on bollocks, no one but card players in here tonight sonny, and I 
do mean no one.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

EDDY enters the boxing gym on his own, and raises his eyebrows at the 
thought of climbing into the ring. Everybody else is sitting down 
counting their money and converting it to chips. Ed takes the only 
empty chair and has a quick look around, particularly behind.

EDDY
Evening Frazer, Phil, Don. This is a bit dramatic, isn't it? Is it 
supposed to be symbolic?

40

PHIL/DON
All right Ed. Apparently it's for security.

EDDY
I would have brought my gloves if I had known.

HATCHET
You must be Eddy. JD's son.

EDDY
Yup, you must be Harry? Sorry, I didn't know your father.

HATCHET
Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.

There is an attractive blonde croupier shuffling the cards. EDDY

Evening Tanya, it has been a while.

EXT. SAMOAN JO'S - NIGHT

As the boys walk in to Samoan Jo's, a man comes tearing out of the door 
covered in flames followed by his friends trying to put the flames out. 
The lads look on in mild shock.

TOM
I heard this place was rough.

EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT

The Scousers make their way to the front door and unravel their lock-
picking kit. '

42

SAMOAN Jo's - NIGHT

SOAP
What sort of a pub is this then?

SAMOAN JO
A Samoan one. Anything else?

BACON
(receiving a monstrous, leafy cocktail)
What's that?

SAMOAN JO
A cocktail, you asked for a cocktail.

BACON
No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a 
fucking rainforest; you could fall in love with an orang-utan in that.

SAMOAN JO
You want a pint, go to the pub.

BACON
I thought this was a pub.

SAMOAN JO
It's a Samoan pub.

BACON
Well whatever it is, could you get your man to turn the TV down?

SAMOAN JO
You ask him if you like, but I would leave him to it if I was you.

BACON looks at Rory Breaker, the man watching the TV.

BACON
Excuse me, could you turn the TV down?

RORY BREAKER
No.

He takes a swig of whatever he is drinking and frowns at Bacon. BACON 
frowns back, then Soap interrupts.

SOAP
This is the English-Brazil game, isn't it?

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

CROUPIER
This is three card brag, gentlemen. That means that three threes is the 
highest, then three aces and then running down accordingly; then it's a 
running flush, a run, a flush, then a pair: An open man can't see a 
blind man, and it will cost you twice the anti to see your opponent. 
Don't fuck around, fellas; you all know the rules and you know I won't 
stand for it.

FRAZER
What sort of shirt is that then, Ed? 'Three hundred open.

EDDY
The type of shirt that has buttons on the front and collars at the top, 
Frazer. One hundred and fifty blind.

DON
Three hundred and fifty open.

PHIL
Fold.

* Cut from completed film.

HATCHET
Three hundred and fifty open.

FRAZER
You're the only fella in London who wears shirts like that. Three 
hundred and fifty open.

EDDY
No Frazer, it's just I'm the only classy fella you have had the 
pleasure of seeing in London. One hundred and seventy-five blind.

DON
Four hundred open.

HATCHET
Four hundred open.

FRAZER
Eight hundred. Like that, do ya, son?

EDDY
When my knees stop knocking I'll live with it. Four hundred blind.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry, who is sitting among sweaty towels, takes out a four-inch 
monitor and switches it on, and hey presto we can see the card table. 
The camera is placed behind Ed in one of the four posts. Barry zooms 
in, pauses on the back of Ed's head, gets his focus and jibs down to 
view his cards, pauses and re focuses, because Ed is playing blind. He 
hasn't raised them: there is nothing Barry can do. We cut to Barry's 
other hand. He is pressing a button on a remote control. We cut 
straight to Harry's leg which is receiving the pulse.

46

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

HATCHET
Listen ladies, this is cards. Men play cards, you want to talk soft you 
should be at the fucking hairdressers, so shut up and play.
(dramatic pause)
I fold.

FRAZER
Two thousand open.

EDDY
One thousand blind.

DON
Two thousand open.

FRAZER
Deep end, eh? Fold.

EDDY
Two thousand blind.

DON
You what?

There is a pause as Don examines Ed's brow looking for a trace of  
nerves.

Two grand? You're still blind. You have been eating too much English 
beef, mate; honkers, mad.

HATCHET
Well, you going to play?

Cut from completed film.

DON
Fucking right I am going to play. Three thousand, there.

CROUPIER
Four thousand to an open man, you know that.

We can feel the confidence emanating from Eddy. Don continues to search 
Ed's forehead waiting for a break of nervous moisture, but it's as dry 
as a desert disco.

EDDY
Donald, do you know how to play this game? The reason I put in half the 
anti is because I don't know what I have got. Now play, or fold.

Silence.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT.

Don is thrown out on to the street, screaming and cursing.

EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT

The Scousers, having now entered, make their way through the large 
house.

DEAN
OK Gary, we call each other Kenny, all right?

GARY
All right, Kenny.

Dean looks at Gary's disguise with some distaste. He has a stocking 
pulled over only half his face. A sexy thigh grip is replicating an 
artificial, frilly moustache, not giving the desired menacing look. A 
big bouffant head of hair is neatly being conntrolled up on top.

DEAN
Can't you pull that stocking down further, Kenny?

GARY
It just cost me fifty quid to have this done.
(Lovingly rearranging his hair)
If you think I am going to ruin it for a couple of old bastards you're 
mistaken, Kenny.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Music starts. We cut to a montage of Ed, Hatchet and Barry at work. Ed 
must be about 250,000 up but the game is getting out hand and pieces of 
paper are being signed; IOUs.

INT. STATELY HOME BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dean returns down a corridor carrying an armful of rifles and enters a 
large bedroom. There are a couple of toffs (English aristocrats) tied 
up in bed. The old man has bits of tissue between is toes which Gary 
has seen fit to light, in order to extract information. Briefly meet 
Lord and Lady Appleton Smythe Winston and Daisy's parents).

DEAN
What are you doing, Kenny?

Gary is on the point of lighting another piece of tissue.

GARY
Finding out where he keeps the money.

48 49

DEAN
Kenny, you twat, does it look like these people have got any money? 
They can't even afford new furniture. We've got the guns; now if you 
don't mind . . .

At that moment they are interrupted by the sound of a shotgun 
cartridge. The ancient butler has made an unexpected entrance. He is 
holding an equally ancient pair of hammer-lock guns (the ones from the 
catalogue) which he has obviously got little control of. The recoil 
knocks the butler clear off his feet. The second shot hits the ceiling 
covering the old boy in plaster.

We cut to a POV of the butler on his back. We see Dean looking down.

You want to be more careful, old fella. You very nearly took my man's 
head clean off with that. You all right, Kenny?

We cut to a shaking shell-shocked Gary, mouth agape. The gun shot has 
torn through the centre of Gary's bouffant hairdo leaving him with a 
pair of smoking Mickey Mouse ears. Shock prevents him from answering.

Kenny?

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

EDDY
Ten grand blind.

We see Hatchet feeling his leg; he looks shifty

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry zooms in again; he can see nothing.

HATCHET
Twenty thousand open.

EDDY looks at his cards: he has a running flush.

EDDY
Twenty thousand open.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barrv sighs with relief and types in the relevant information.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Having received this information Hatchet pauses, then . . .

HATCHET
I'll fold.

We hear lots of oohs and aahs. EDDY frowns slightly This is odd play. 
Rather than looking happy he has a discrete glance over his shoulder; 
satisfied that nothing can be amiss, he collects his money.

Don't go spending, that all at once, boy.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry's phone rings. He jumps in shock and fishes around to find it.

BARRY
What?

50 ~ 51

INT. RED PHONE BOX - NIGHT

The Scousers reply; Gary is still unable to speak due to his shotgun 
experience.

DEAN
I thought you said no staff, Bazza!

BARRY
You get the guns?

DEAN
You should see what they did to poor Gary.

Gary wanders past the phone box in a gormless state. He obviously 
doesn't know what day of the week it is.

DEAN
Gary, get back into the van!

Barry frowns down the telephone. Yeah, yeah, we got 'em.

BARRY
Good. I'll speak to you later.

Barry clicks the phone off. Dean looks at Gary and raises his voice as 
if speaking to a deaf person.

DEAN
Gary, Gary, if you can hear me, I think we better get you back in the 
van now, OK?

Dean takes his arm and guides him back into the van.

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Stakes have increased dramatically. There is a pause as Frazer looks at 
his cards.

EDDY
Twenty thousand open.

PHIL
OK. My Doctor would beat me to a heart attack if he knew what was going 
on here. I fold.

HATCHET
Got some cards there, boy? Thirty thousand. Back to you already Eddy?

Hatchet looks impatiently at the door.

EDDY
Fifty grand.

Hatchet scours Ed's forehead. It is still dry.

HATCHET
Eighty grand.

BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry, who is trying as hard as he can to see Ed's cards, frustratedly 
zooms in and out; eventually Ed raises them just
enough; Barry jibs, hey bingo he sees Ed's cards!

Ed's got nothing but a pair of sixes. Barry excitedly starts tapping 
away.

53

INT. BOXING GYM - MGHT

EDDY
One hundred grand.

FRAZER
Hold on fellas, I know . . .

HATCHER (interrupts j
I know you're not in, which means nobody cares what you know. Two 
hundred and fifty.

Hatchet and EDDY minutely study each other's hairlines, waiting for a 
nervous droplet to appear. Sweat breaks; a drop on Ed's forehead, fills 
frame. Slowly we follow a droplet's journey coursing down Eddy's brow 
Eventually this is met by a large unblinking eye, at this point the 
pause is broken.

EDDY
That is quite a raise, one hundred and fifty on my hundred.

HATCHET
Yes . . . and is there something else you want to say? EDDY

As you know, this puts us in an awkward position. I don't have enough 
to continue.

Pause.

CROUPIER
We will have to see both your cards if no one loans EDDY the money to 
continue. It's a loan or we see both your cards.

Silence follows. A lot of nose scratching and examining of imaginary 
dirty ftngernails spreads contagiously throughout the remaining 
company.

It doesn't look . . .

HATCHET
(interrupts)
I will.

EDDY
You will what?

HATCHET
I will loan you the money.

Silence. The sweat bead reaches the bottom of Ed's chin, trembles for a 
second, then unattaches itself. Very slowly it falls. We follow its 
long silent journey. Eventually it is greeted by the back of Ed's 
cards. It explodes dramatically in sound and vision, symbolizing this 
worrying news.

EDDY
I think I would rather just turn them over.

HATCHET
I am not interested in what you would rather; I want to keep going. I 
am also offering you the money, so we don't have to turn them over 
because you can borrow.

EDDY
I need two hundred and fifty grand.

HATCHET
No, you need five hundred grand to see me.

Ed's face is now awash, busily blistering with sweat.

EDDY
That's if I want to see you.

HATCHET
Well, you're going to have a problem carrying on, aintcha.

The pause is painful.

55

CRUOPIER
You can still fold.

EDDY doesn't like the sound of this. There is sympathy in her voice. 
Harry looks sharply through narrowed eyes at the croupier; the croupier 
pleads with Eddy.

EDDY
I'll see ya.

HATCHET
For half a million?

EDDY
Unless you are going to accept twenty quid.

HATCHET
And still got a sense of humour. That's not monkey nuts son; you can 
still fold.
(Pause)
OK, before I loan you this, I expect, if you lose of course, my money 
back within a week, Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?

These last few words echo in the distance of Ed's mind (and ours). He 
is committed, but has now left the world of the conscious. Hatchet 
turns over the first card; it's a seven. EDDY
ushers him on; another seven, it looks as though he will have three; 
then the third: it's a four. There is an anti-climatic silence. After a 
loud pause . . .

CROUPIER
Is that it?

* Cut from completed film.

56

FRAZER
He was bluffing!

Hatchet looks content and rather nonchalant.

HATCHET
Let's see your fucking cards.

Nobody is impressed by Hatchet's cards; all eyes fall on EDDY 
expectantly We crash in to Ed's pupils with a loud swoosh. They 
contract to the size of pinheads. His world has changed for ever.

FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY

EDDY
(voice-over)
I knew he was bluffing, but somehow the worst card player round the 
table had fucked me like a frozen virgin with a pair of sevens. A 
series of blows to my head with a baseball bat would have been greeted 
with a grin compared to this. Ten minutes earlier, I was two hundred 
thousand pounds richer; now I owed half a million.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY

Harry approaches Ed and whispers in his ear.

HATCHET
I know your friends are responsible for most of that cash, so I'll give 
you all a week to find it. After that, I'll take a finger off each of 
you and your friend's hands for each day that passes without payment; 
and when you have all run out of digits, then who knows what?

Ed gets up. We stumble with him in slow motion. He is hardly able to 
stand. He wobbles over to the door. Harry continues to talk over the 
top.

Business is business, and I am good at making mine work. I like your 
dad's bar, JD's, so don't get clever or lethargic. If you can't pay in 
a week, a few fingers and a bar for starters.

Ed stumbles out of the door, doubles up and vomits all over the f door.

INT. SAMOAN JO'S - NIGHT

Ed has made his way into the bar. All his friends have fallen asleep. 
One of Bacon's eyes opens to see Ed cleaning himself up.

BACON
This doesn't look good.

The others wake on this statement. We cut between the lads and their 
frozen reaction.

FREEZE SHOT OF LADS IN SHOCK

EDDY
(voice-over)
I then explained the unfortunate position we were in. Harry was going 
to start sizing up all our fingers in a week, 'cause he knew there was 
no way I could raise that kind of money on my own. Harry saw it as 
their money on the table so it was also their debt off the table. I 
hate to admit it but I could have kissed the old bastard for that. If I 
said I wanted to settle this debt on my own it would have been a lie.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF LADS

EDDY
Listen, I wish he would let me settle it on my own.

Tom drops his drink and rushes Eddy.

58

TOM
I'll kill him!

BACON
(intercepts Tom)
Stop fucking around, Tom, and think. What are we going to do?

SOAP
What's all the fuss about Harry? Why don't we just boycott the payment?

They all look at Soap like he is mad.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S' OFFICE - NIGHT

BACON
(voice-over)
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called 
Smithy Robinson who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on 
the take. Harry invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't 
do a very good job. Within a minute Harry lost his temper and reached 
for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a fifteen-inch 
black rubber cock. He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death 
with this; that was seen as a pleasant way to go . . . Hence, Hatchet 
Harry is a man you pay if you owe.

EDDY
I'll think of something, don't worry.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ed, who looks like he is close to suicide, has developed a two-day 
stubble and his eyes have disappeared into black sockets. He stumbles 
along the street with a bottle of scotch poking out of a pocket. He 
stops outside JD's, looks at the entrance and decides not to go in.

60

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY The ridiculous door-bell horn blows.

J
Who the hell's that. It's only twelve.

WINSTON
Use that cage, that's what it's there for.

WILLIAM
(off)
Who is it?

PLANK
(off)
Plank, open up.

This is done without the use of the steel-caged security door.

This weed is getting quite a reputation, you know, fellas. Gloria 
remains motionless in her chair. Plank waves his hand about in a sort 
of `how you doing' way to everyone and goes to take a seat. At the last 
minute, poised like he is sitting on a potty he realizes he is about to 
sit on this girl.

Jesus! Never saw you there. Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?

Gloria doesn't respond. Plank waves his hand over her face. Still no 
response. Plank looks around for some acknowledgement.

Is she, er, compus?

WINSTON
(doesn't look up)
What do you think?

Plank takes a close look at the girl.

61

GIRL
BOO!

Plank jumps back, completely taken by surprise, knocking over a 
pedestal of shoe boxes stacked up against a wall, full of fifty-pound 
notes.

PLANK
Fuck me!

Charles, pissed off, looks at William like it's his fault.

CHARLES
Fod God's sake.

WILLIAM
Clean that up, Charles.

CHARLES
Sod you, you clean it up.

PLANK
Sorry fellas, but that stupid cow!

WILLIAM
Never mind, could you please just sit down and stay out of the way.

WINSTON
Anyway, how much do you want?

PLANK
(trying to look like the money hasn't had an impact on him)
I am after a half weight.

WINSTON
That's one and a half thousand. Pass those scales, Willie, and sort out 
the gear, Charlie. Any chance of seeing your money?

INT. JD' S BAR - DAY

Cut to Bacon, Soap and Tom sitting and talking in the back of JD's bar. 
They don't look a lot better than Ed.

BACON
The odds are one hundred to one so all we need is five grand.

SOAP
I would rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds 
are a hundred to one for a good reason, BACON
. . . it won't win. So where is Ed with all the bright ideas?

BACON
At the bottom of a bottle and has been for two days; it's hit him hard.

SOAP
It's hit us all hard!

BACON
Yeah, but he has got to tell his Dad he is about to lose his bar.

Tom, who has not really been listening, suddenly interrupts.

TOM
Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's 
Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, 
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er 
. . . I dunno, `does what no other dildo can do until now', latest and 
greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all 
that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the 
pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to 
the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, 
for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them 
clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for 
twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot 
Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they 
have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; 
not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he 
tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!

There is a long pause while BACON considers this.

BACON
So how long do you have to wait 'till you see a return?

TOM
Probably no longer than four weeks.

BACON
A month? So, my friend, what fucking good is that, if we need it in six 
. . . no, five days?

TOM
Well, it's still a good idea.

SOAP
Listen to this one . . .

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

We see the back of a head.

DOG
So do you know these geezers well?

PLANK
Well enough. I have been buying gear off one of them for a couple of 
years.

DOG
What they like then?

PLANK
Poofs. Nothing heavy, four public school guys. Soft as shite.

INT. JD'S BAR - DAY

Soap is finishing off his suggestion for raising money.

SOAP
And you keep all the money'

Pause. BACON and Tom frown at Soap.

TOM
I have heard some fucking stupid ideas in my time but yours makes 
Bacon's sound inspired.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Ed fumbles with his keys at his front door. He enters his house in a 
sort of zombie state, takes off his jacket and opens the cupboard 
doors. He hangs his coat up (it promptly falls off" the hanger) and he 
collapses in a pile on the floor. The cupboard doors now being open, he 
can clearly hear next door's discussion. We track in very slowly on Ed.

PLANK
They ponce around in funny hippie clothes all day, talking bollocks. 
They're just good at growing weed, that's all, and business has got 
bigger than what they can keep up with.

INT. JD'S BAR - DAY

SOAP
If you're so fucking clever why don't you come up with a suggestion?

BACON
I am thinking, I am thinking.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

DOG
(off)
Listen, they can't be all stupid if they got a container load of cash 
sitting in shoe boxes, a skip-load of Class A gear and you don't think 
there is anybody sensible involved.

We reach the end of our track. Ed's head is on a pitiful angle in full 
close-up. It straightens and his dark eyes widen immediately on this 
news.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

DOG

What about security?

PLANK
There's one steel gate as you go in but they never lock it.

DOG
What do you mean, never? Well what have they got it for, then?

PLANK
I must have been there fifty times, it's never been locked; they're not 
suspicious. Everybody who goes there are toffs. They're all into that 
karma crap: `If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me' stuff.

DOG
Is there no way they can get back to you?

PLANK
Even if they could they'd be too shit scared. They have got no muscle; 
they're gutless faggots.

66 ~ 67

IN'T. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Barry and Harry are talking. Harry is polishing a shotgun. It is very 
different in appearance to the hammer-locks.

HATCHET

Is Big Chris on his way?

BARRY
Should be here any minute. I think you're making a mistake, Harry. 
That's a lot of money for Chris to be running after. I wouldn't trust 
him to bring it back here.

Hatchet's speech is laced with cut-aways of Big Chris in action, and on 
the ascent (with Little Chris) of Hatchet's stairs.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S STAIRCASE - DAY

HATCHET
(voice-over) 
What do you know about Chris, eh? You put Big Chris on a job and he 
will make sure it gets done, no matter what's in his way. His dad used 
to collect debts and his dad before that, and that monster of a boy 
will after he has gone. It seems that the Almighty himself requested 
them to collect debts for eternity and not to fear knocking on old 
Nick's door himself, if he was behind on his payment. But he has never 
nicked a picker in his life. Straight as an arrow and as strong as the 
bow that fired it. If you dropped your tenner he would search till he 
found ya . . . the only problem is he isn't stable, has a temper like a 
runaway train, and he hits twice as hard. Heaven protect anyone who 
touches that boy, not that the boy needs protecting.

We see Big Chris walking up the stairs. He reaches the top and knocks 
on the door.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Big Chris is sitting in front of Hatchet, Barry behind Chris.

HATCHET

Want a drink?

BARRY
Hello son, would you like a lolly?

LITTLE CHRIS

Piss off you nonce!

BIG CHRIS

Oi, watch it! No thanks Harry, we are both all right. Nice shooter.

HATCHET
Like it? One of a pair, Holland and Holland. Here, you want to hold it?

BIG CHRIS

Nah, not my thing, thank you, Harry. Business good? I imagine that's 
what I am here for.

Harry leans the gun against the side of the desk and takes a seat, does 
a breast-stroke movement to clear his desk of all the sexual debris, 
takes a big breath of air and begins.

HATCHET

I want you to forget about any other debts at the moment; there are 
fresher fish to fry!

BIG CHRIS

Go on.

HATCHET

It's a bit of a priority. Four young fellas who got in deeper than they 
could handle; they owe me half a million pounds.

68 ~ 69

LITTLE CHRIS

How much?

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom, BACON
and Soap are sitting in front of Ed who looks as though he is about to 
launch in to a speech.

TOM
What's the flapping about? You told the old man yet? EDDY

I hope I won't need to. I got a plan. So listen carefully.

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - NIGHT WINSTON

Look, he set us up. That means he put money into us, which means he 
expects money out of us. You don't need to be an economist to work that 
out.

J
He might think we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't 
have any idea about the hard currency we've accumulated. We can just 
slice it off the top.

WINSTON
You guys, you've got to realise who this chap is. He's a fucking 
lunatic. If he gets the slightest inkling that we are not throwing 
straight dice, you - and fuck it, me - are going to know what the sharp 
side of a kebab knife feels like.

*CHARLES Come on, we are in this for the cash however it comes.

The phone rings. Winston picks it up.

* Cut from completed film.

70

WINSTON
Hello.

DAISY 
(she is upset) 
Winston?

WINSTON
Yeah.

DAISY 
It's Daisy.

WINSTON
I know who it is. What's the problem?

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The situation has been explained. There are thoughtful frowns on all 
foreheads. There is a pause.

SOAP
Well, what do you want us to do about it?

EDDY
Hit the fuckers.

Pause while this is digested.

I know it sounds a bit heavy, but it's not like you are doing anything 
illegal.

BACON
I don't know how you've reached that conclusion.

EDDY
They can't report they have had all their drugs and money nicked, can 
they?

71

TOM
How heavy are the fellas anyway?

EDDY

They don't look all that.

SOAP

Hitler didn't look all that.

EDDY
All right, but for Christ's sake we're in the soup and this is the 
silver spoon. If you can think of another way to get out, let me know. 
It's not like we've got all the time in the world either . . . Dig?

Silence falls over them.]

BACON

I am game.

TOM

Me too.

S0AP

Oh, god!

EDDY
Well, we hit them as soon as they come back. We'll be waiting and 
prepared for them.

Pause as Ed's voice drops a little. And they are armed.

SOAP
What was that, armed? What do you mean, armed? Armed with what?

EDDY
Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do 
you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!

SOAP
Guns! You never said anything about guns. A minute ago this was the 
safest job in the world, now it's turning in to a bad day in Bosnia . . 
.

EDDY
Jesus, Soap, stop being such a mincer. I thought about that and...

SOAP

And what exactly?

EDDY
And we will just have to find out who's going to be carrying them.

SOAP
Carrying them. They could all be carrying them for what we know.

EDDY
No, just one of them is in charge of them going to the job. So I assume 
he will still

be carrying when he comes back from the job.

SOAP
Oh, you assume, do ya? What do they say about assumption being the 
brother of all fuck-ups?

TOM
It's the mother of fuck-ups, stupid!

SOAP
Well, excuse me, brother, mother or any other sucker, doesn't make any 
difference, they are still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking 
bullets!

72 ~ 73

EDDY

Soap, if you got a better idea to get five hundred grand in the next 
few days you let us know . . . In the meantime, Tom, speak to Nick the 
Bubble about moving the weed.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

Tom and Nick are stuck away in a corner playing on a fruit machine.

NICK

Weed?

TOM
Not normal weed. This is some fucked-up skunk class A. I can't think 
let alone move shit.

NICK
Doesn't sound very good to me.

TOM
Neither me, but it depends on what flicks your switch, and the light's 
on and burning bright for the masses.

NICK

You'll need samples, Tom.

TOM

No can do.

NICK

Where's that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me half way, mate.

TOM
Listen, it's all completely chicken soup.

NICK

It's what?

.

TOM

Kosher as Christmas

NICK
(rolls his eyes)
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

TOM
Never mind that now. I also need some artillery, you know, a couple of 
sawn-off shotguns.

NICK
Bloody hell, Tom! This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon' 
Who do you think I am?

TOM
I think you're Nick the Greek.

INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY

There's a cacophony of seventies funk and football filling the room. We 
meet Rory Breaker. Rory is a very well-dressed cool-looking black dude. 
He is in his own way sophisticated, considering what he does for a 
living. His help, however, are less well-informed. Rory has Nick the 
Greek in front of him.

RORY
Nick, I don't have anything to do with weed, normally, but if it is 
what he says it is, I'll give him three and a half thousand a key, 
that's if it is what he says it is. I don't want to see it after a 
sample, I don't want to touch it after a sample. I'll leave you in the 
capable hands of Nathan here. He will work out the details, but let me 
get this straight. If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind 
of pussy who will drink it. Know what I mean?

74 ~ 75

INT. GARAGE UNDER THE ARCHES - DAY

The Scousers are handing over all the shotguns from their previous job 
to Barry and assistant. Dean has got a complicated hair arrangement to 
disguise his accident with the butler. Barry raises his eyebrows at 
this new look.

BARRY
Is your hair supposed to look like that, then?

Gary ignores this question.

DEAN
Next time we do a job like this we gonna want more money, or we are 
going back to post offices and cars.

BARRY
Where're the others?

Barry is looking with same concern for the hammer-lock Purdeys.

DEAN
There are no others.

BARRY
Now, stop fucking around. The others, the old ones?

DEAN
I don't know what you mean.

BARRY
(dead serious)
There were two old guns there; where are they?

DEAN
Not in the cabinet there wasn't. There was a couple of old hammer-lock 
muskets the butler was carrying; they were ours, and we sold 'em!

77

BARRY
Well you just better un-sell 'em, sharpish.

DEAN
They were . . .

BARRY
(interrupts)
I am not fucking interested.

Shouting. If you don't want to end up counting the fingers that you 
haven't got, or sharing a bed with the anti-Christ, I suggest you get 
those guns, quick.

INT. BACK OF VAN - DAY

We are facing Nick's large behind, builder's cleavage poking out of the 
top of his trousers. Nick is unwrapping two long implements from a 
sheet: the hammer-lock Purdeys.

TOM
Jesus, if I pick them up, will they stay in one piece? Where did you 
get them from?

NICK
I got contacts. Listen Tom, if you pointed them at me I'd shit myself 
or do whatever you said to do. Either way you still get the desired 
effect.

TOM
They look nice, I agree . . . but lacking in criminal credibility, 
aren't they? I might get laughed at. How much do you want for these 
muskets?

NICK
Seven hundred each.

78

TOM
What's that, a pound for every year they have been around? I know 
they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices. Pause.

And they're a bit long, aren't they?

NICK
Sawn-offs are out, Tom; people like to have a bit mare range nowadays.

TOM
Range? I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, granted, but 
I don't want anybody blowing a raspberry at me either. I want to look 
fucking mean.

NICK
Of course you will look mean, Tom, you will look really scary.

TOM
All right, let's forget about them for the time being. What about your 
weed man?

NICK
Rory Breaker is standing by. You stand to make a lot of money, Tommy 
boy.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

We are looking directly at JD's shell-shocked face. He gently lays down 
an empty glass on the bar.

HATCHET
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock, but I'll tell you 
how this can be resolved by the good father.

* Big Chris in completed film.

Pause. The camera spins round to reveal Hatchet and Barry the Baptist.

JD
Go on.

HATCHET
I like your bar.

JD
Yes?

HATCHET
I want your bar.

JD
And?

HATCHET
Do you want me to draw a picture?

JD
Harry, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his ear-hole, or you 
from a hoodwink. This bar is mine, and he has nothing to do with it.

HATCHET
What, and I care? Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage of 
being able to sustain your son's life.

JD
And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose my words carefully. But 
not to put too fine a point on it, fuck yourself, Harry!

Barry pulls a kind of mock-scared face and clutches his heart.

80

HATCHET
Oh, careful JD, you'll give Barry a heart-attack.

We crash-zoom again into Harry's eyes to see the pupils contract. It's 
time to look mean.

I'll put that down to shock, but only once, only once can or will I let 
you get away with that. Your son's still got three days to find half a 
million, but make up your mind which one you prefer: your son, or your 
bar.

We have a slow-motion close-up of the drink being slammed down, proving 
a point.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON has rigged up an amplifier to the hole in the cupboard along with 
a ridiculous amount of recording equipment. The house lights still 
flicker on and off. We start the first part of the conversation looking 
at Bacon, who has his headphones on. We cut to Dog halfway through the 
second sentence.

INT. DOG'S HDUSE - DAY

PLANK
There's nothing to worry about, it's going to be easy.

DOG
There is no such thing as easy in my experience and, if you think this 
is going to be easy, you're a dick. It may be easier than most but it's 
not going to be easy.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON has a kettle next to where he is sitting. It steams away quite 
happily but a worrying noise starts to come from the plug socket. BACON 
prepares himself.- BOOM! He disappears into black.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

They react to the BOOM! Dog looks at the wall with suspicion, misses a 
beat, then continues.

DOG
What's that idiot doing next door?
(Points at Paul)
We use your van. It's up some stairs this place, so we'll stick out 
like balls on a bulldog. Plank is going up first. There is a cage but 
it is never locked, is it Plank?

PLANK
No.

DOG
And it better bloody not be. Once he is firmly in place, he gets the 
rest of us in. We'll get nasty with a couple of them, shit 'em up, 
scare and gag 'em. I can't see these wankers giving us a problem, but 
they might have a couple of tools hanging around like any cowboy. When 
the job is done we'll come straight back here. It's dark by then, 
unload and Robert's your father's brother. Everybody savvy?

ALL TOGETHER
Yup.

DOG
Right, tomorrow, eight o'clock we'll do it. Apparently these stags 
don't get out of bed till midday, lowest ebb and all that, and that's 
how I like it.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON is now lit by candle.

BACON
Jesus.

DOG
(off)
So no messing around tonight. We leave eight a.m., OK?

EDDY
Yes?

BACON
It's happening tomorrow morning. Get back here now.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SOAP
(staggering)
Where did you get those from, a museum?

TOM
Nick the Greek.

BACON
How much did you part with?

TOM
Seven hundred for the pair.

SOAP
Drachmas, I hope. I would feel safer with a chicken drumstick. They 
could do more harm than good.

BACON
Jesus, Tom, do they work?

TOM
I dunno, but they look nice. I rather like ' em.

EDDY
Top of the list of priorities, how nice they look.

SOAP
Ladies, if you don't mind, back to a more important issue. We've only 
got two real guns . . . apparently that's what they are. We find a good 
place to hide next door. When it sounds like the right time, we jack in 
the box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, then we nick 
their van and swap the gear into a new van and then bring it back here. 
As long as we are all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last 
thing they'll expect. If Tom and anyone else feels like kicking them 
around a bit I am sure it won't do any harm. A bit of pain never hurt 
any one (thinking about it) if you know what I mean . . . Also, I think 
knives are a good idea, you know, big fuck-off shiny knives, the ones 
that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good because 
they don't make any noise, and the less noise the more we're likely to 
use them. That'll shit 'em up and make us look like pros.

There is a pause as they look at Soap with suspicion.

TOM
Is there something we should know about you, Soap?

BACON
I am not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - MORNING

Ed and Bacon, etc, are all mounted up on top of one another looking out 
a crack in the curtain. They are observing Dog's party en route to 
work. They are dressed as kebab shop assistants.

SOAP
Where the fuck are they going? To butcher a sheep? I thought this was a 
robbery.

EDDY
Where did they get those outfits from? Haven't we got some like that, 
Tom?

TOM
Well, not exactly like that.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE (VAN) - MORNING

Dog and troop load up.

INT. SLDANES' SITTING ROOM - MORNING

Cut to Sloanes. They are up and unusually awake. Today is the day to 
move the money so they are comparatively alert. There is lots of 
activity.

WINSTON
You fucking jelly-heads, move it. You have been up for two hours, you 
should have got somewhere by now. The gear and the money has got to be 
out of here before twelve.

The horn blasts.

Who's that? J, don't you dare open the door until you use that cage. I 
am serious, and find out who it is first.

86

INT. SLOANES' FRONT DOOR - DAY

J
(raising his voice for the door)
Hello, can I help you?

PLANK
All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?

J
No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.

PLANK
Well, perhaps you can help?

J
Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.

PLANK
Look, could you just open the door so I could talk without shouting?

J
I can't help you, Plank.

PLANK
I think you'll find it is in your interest.

INT SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY

J
Hold on. OK.
(Whispering inside.)
Look Willie, it's Plank outside asking for you, he says it's in our 
interest.

87

WINSTON
I don't care if it's King fucking Kong, he is not coming in here, not 
today.

WILLIAM
Hold on: we are in business and correct me if I am wrong, but that is 
business?

J
Corrected; that's a walking accident that we can do without.

WILLIAM Jesus, he's OK; he knows only to buy weights now, so we are 
looking at least a couple of thou; just one last time.

J
What do you think, Winston?

Pause.

WINSTON
Willy, this is the last time, and don't let him know that you're here, 
otherwise he will be here all day, and get rid of him quick. We have 
work to do.

EXT. SLOANES' STAIRS - DAY

DOG
(frustrated)
What the fuck is going on?

MICK
Do you want me to have a look, Dog?

DOG
No, you silly fucker, stay still.
(Whispering)
What's going on?

PLANK
Come on, I can't wait out here all day.

Starting to get anxious that the whole deal could be off Plank looks 
down the stairs and waves at Dog as some kind of reassurance.

J
(off)
All right, just coming.

J unlocks the door after getting the cage ready. There's an external 
door, and then a small corridor before the cage. J is inside the cage. 
Two, or at a push, three people could fit in this space before they 
would be poking out on the outside world.

INT. SLOANES' CAGE - DAY

PLANK
I thought you were going to leave me out there all day.

J
I didn't know you were a kebab man, Plank.

PLANK
(taking the piss)
Lives and learns doesn't one.

Then devastation slaps him hard.

Keep the gates locked now, do you?

J
Sorry, got to do business like this now; can't be too careful these 
days.

PLANK
I know.
(Suddenly turning very nasty whispering.)
Now shut it. You say a fucking word the right knee goes, another word 
then your left.

J
(confused and believing it's a joke, until he sees the gun.)
What are you doing, Plank?

PLANK
What do you think I am doing? Hold on. What are you doing? Unlock that 
gate. Oi! I said unlock that fucking gate.

J has found it all too much and has passed out with fear, collapsing on 
the floor in an awkward contorted position. Plank is desperately trying 
to find the right key. Things are not going as well as planned. Dog, in 
the meantime, has decided it's time to start the show

EXT. SLOANES' STAIRS - DAY

DOG
 Go! Go! Go! Fucking run, you two.

They all go charging into the open door only to slam straight into 
Plank. The keys go flying out of Plank's hands and through the cage. 
Plank cries with frustration, reaching out with his hand to retrieve 
them. Dog, finding the gate locked, is none too happy They are also 
still exposed to the eyes of the world due to the lack of space between 
the outside door and the inside cage.

90 ~ 91

INT. SLOANES' CAGE - DAY

DOG
(mesmerized}
The fucking gate's shut, you prick.

PLANK
Just hold on, I got the keys.

Having clawed them back with the end of his shotgun.

DOG
(seeing an unconscious man at his feet)
What the fuck did you do to Fauntleroy?

PLANK
(fumbling and panicking)
I didn't touch him, he just passed out.

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY

WINSTON
J, what's going on out there?
(Realising)
Get the rifle out, Charles. We're being fucked.

INT. SLOANES' FRONT DOOR - DAY

DOG
Get the sodding gate open now, Plank.

Plank is busy fumbling about, not really getting anywhere because of 
the pressure being applied.

PLANK
(trying to convince himself, as much as Dog)
It must be this one.

DOG
Just give me the keys.

The gun with which Plank has been entrusted is pointing straight at 
Dog's groin.

Point your gun in there, dick, not at me.

Mick has unwrapped his gun from his case. Dog turns and looks amazed at 
the size of the weapon.

What the fuck is that?

MICK
It's a bren gun.

DOG
You could have brought something a bit more fucking practical, couldn't 
ya?

Pop! We hear the sound of an air gun pellet hitting the bars.

PLANK
(trying to salvage some credibility)
Don't you stags move or I'll kill the lot of ya.

DOG
(amazed by this stupidity)
Who are you going to kill Plank? There's no one there.

We hear another pop and Plank gets shot in the neck. This 
understarulably sends him into a real panic, thinking this is curtains.

PLANK
(gurgle)
They shot me!

Panic unashamedly exposing itself. Trickles of blood start flowing from 
in-between Plank's fingers.

DOG
(unimpressed)
Well shoot them.

Plank shoots at everything and nothing. Smoke fills the corridor, 
leaving them in a cloud. A bit of coughing goes on, then silence.

JOHN
Jesus Plank, you could have got smokeless cartridges, I can't see a 
bloody thing.

Pop! Another pellet is fired hitting John in the chest.

Ah, Jesus, shit, I've been shot!

DOG
I don't fucking believe this. Could everybody stop getting shot. Sit 
down John, you cock, patch yourself up; it's only a fucking air rifle.

Dog is interrupted by an enormously loud blast of machine-gun fire. Dog 
and the boys panic, cover their ears and hit the floor. After this 
outburst Dog looks up at Mick and sees he is the culprit. Mick looks 
down at Dog expecting a congratulatory nod from Dog; he doesn't get it.

What the fuck was that?

MICK
That was the bren gun!

94 . ~ 95

DOG
If you use that again, you're a dead man, do you understand?

He speaks softly but he is quite shaken. He then raises his voice; he 
has had enough of all this mincing.

Right fellas!

He shouts to the Sloanes while dragging the semi-conscious body of J up 
to use as a shield.

Before I go any further I am going to shoot your mate's toes off!

No sooner said than done; his toes go. The smoke problem repeats itself 
and J faints again, but an unfazed Dog continues.

Now if you want us to be gone in two minutes, open the fucking gate, 
now!

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY

CHARLES
He'll probably kill us if we do.

WINSTON
Well, J will certainly get it if we don't; he's serious. Look what he 
did to his toes.

DOG
(off)
Right, his leg's going now.

WINSTON
All right, all fucking right, I am coming.
(Turning and whispering)
Willie, he doesn't know you are here, just sort something out, OK.

Willie slinks off with a `like what?' look on his face.

INT. SLOANES' CAGE - DAY

DOG
And all your friends, there's a good lad.

WINSTON
There is only three of us here.

DOG
Do you want me to take his leg off? Where's the fourth?

WINSTON
I mean it, there is only three of us here.

DOG
Plank?

PLANK
(gurgle, gurgle)
Yeah, one of them's out.

DOG
OK, open the gate.

No sooner said than done. Dog hits one straight on Winston's forehead 
with the butt of his gun and drags him to the stairs. 97

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY DOG

Up boy, up, up.

They reach the top of the stairs.

Tie 'em up John and, Plank, you come with me. Where's the money?

PLANK
There, in those shoe boxes.

Dog opens them. There is nothing in them. If looks could kill Plank 
would be pushing up daisies.

DOG
(gun to the head of Winston)
Where?

WINSTON
Out the back.

DOG
And the weed?

WINSTON
Out the back.

MICK
Point.

WINSTON
With what?

MICK
Your hands, now!

WINSTON
I can't, I am tied up.

98

MICK
Well, well, shake your head or something.

DOG
All right Plank, get Paul out of the van.

This is done on a walky talky.

INT. SLOANES' BACK ROOM - DAY

The door opens. Willie is waiting behind it armed with a machete. He 
turns to his opponent and, eyes shut for Dutch courage, hacks straight 
into Mick's arm. Mick's machine gun goes off and William loses a finger 
as he tries to push the barrel to the side. He starts screaming 
uncontrollably

DOG
(to Plank)
Give us your knife.

Dog is going to put an end to this screaming and is making his way to 
its source. William is silenced through fear of the approaching Dog and 
slumps on the floor in a silenced wreck, holding a bleeding hand.

(the point of the blade resting on William's throat)
Enough! Mick, how you doing?

MICK
How do you think I am doing? He has fucking nearly chopped my arm off.

Dog's attention is diverted as he sees a table full of cash, neatly 
packed and stacked.

PAUL (in doorway visibly shocked
Gordon Bennett! What's been going on in here?

DOG
Shut up, you idiot. You got the bags? Can you get it in?

PAUL
There's a lot here, all right. I don't think we will be able to get 
this all in the van.

DOG
Bollocks, you'll get it in even if you have to do two trips.

EXT. SLOANES' HOUSE - DAY

A traffic warden appears as Paul goes outside to load up.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
You got a ticket already and, if you don't move it now, sir, we will 
move it for you.

PAUL
I'll only be a minute.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
You've already been fifteen.

Paul, realising that persuasion is futile, decides other means are 
necessary to despatch this nuisance. He looks down both sides of the 
street: the coast is clear.

PAUL
Look. Go on, look.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
At what, exactly?

PAUL
My van is half full.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
So?

PAUL
So I've just got to put you in, and I am off.

Having made their way to the rear of the van, Paul opens the back 
doors. Paul smacks the traffic warden on the side of the head. The 
momentum carries the warden into the van, unconscious. Paul has another 
quick look round and Lifts the warden's legs up and pushes him deeper 
into the vehicle.

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY

PLANK
My neck, Dog.
(Dog shows no sign of pity)
That's the last bag?

DOG
(Turning to Mick.)
How about you? All right?

MICK
I'll be fine when; have dealt with this little shit. Mick grabs the 
machete that was used to disable him and puts down the machine gun.

DOG
Do it quietly.

Gloria, who has been forgotten by the Sloanes and unnoticed by Dog and 
troop, has sat through the whole episode without apparently realising 
the gravity of the situation. She is kick-started into action by the 
sure demise of Willie. The machine gun has been placed not too far away 
from her. She picks it up, and fires it into the already wounded body 
of Mick, who is almost instantaneously transformed into dog meat. 
Gloria, who has found a gear that nobody probably not even herself, 
knew existed, destroys everything she points at. Bodies jump for cover 
and Winston and the rest close their eyes and hope for the best. 
Eventually the gun, which seems to have a limitless supply of lead, 
goes quiet. We cut to close-ups of everybody opening their eyes 
cautiously. Looks of relief come from everyone, not least the Sloanes. 
Dog, who is closest, stands, walks straight up to her and punches her 
on the jaw Gloria is knocked out.

What was that? Where did she come from? That's fucking it. Tie her up. 
We are getting out of here.

EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON
Eh, bunk us up over the wall.

BACON forces one of the windows open. He looks pleased and beckons the 
others over. They keep in contact with Soap by cellular phones.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

EDDY
Everything all right out there, Tom?

TOM
(on phone)
Right as rain.

EDDY
Where the hell are we supposed to hide?

Ed looks into an almost empty room in which they are to find cover. He 
shrugs, and goes to sort himself out a cup of tea.

SOAP
What are you doing, Ed?

EDDY

Do you want one?

SOAP
No I fucking don't! You can't make a cup of tea, Edward.

EDDY
Why not? The whole of the British Empire was built on cups of tea.

SOAP
And look what happened to that.

EDDY
If you think I am going to war without one, you're mistaken, mate.

INT. DOG'S VAN - DAY

Dog turns to admire a full van.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
You won't get away with it.

Dog turns around and sees the tragic warden.

DOG
Paul, what's that?

PAUL
That's a traffic warden.

DOG
(looking straight at Paul)
What's he doing in the van?

Dog and the others look at the tragic warden mercilessly

PAUL
He was about to call the cozzers.

Paul hits him again, sending him back into unconsciousness.

DOG
We will deal with him later.

EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY Tom is on the mobile phone.

TOM
They're here.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

Dog opens his door, enters the front room, dumps his two bags down and 
is met by a bleeding Plank (who is grunted at) and John, who is rubbing 
his chest. Dog sighs and turns to get more bags. The action starts. 
It's hard to tell who is who because of the balaclavas. The lads jump 
out of their positions.

BACON
Down, down, get fucking down now'

This is like d??vu. There is no response as the three of them seem 
not to believe what's going on. BACON hits Dog with the butt of his 
gun, establishing who's boss. Dog does down with a thud. Plank hits the 
floor immediately.

EXT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

Paul enters, sees trouble, drops his bags and prepares to run. He is 
met by Tom who greets him with a smash round the kneecaps with a lead 
pipe. This has more than the desired effect and Paul has to be dragged 
in screaming by Tom. It all went rather smoothly

EDDY
Tie 'em up, tape 'em up, face and mouth. Keys, I want the keys.

DOG
I'll find you.

BACON
Of course you will, sweetheart. This one, search this one. Ed finds the 
keys without any trouble.

EDDY
I'll meet you in the van when you have finished with handsome there.

INT. DOG'S VAN - DAY

There is silence. For a few seconds all we can hear is the noise of 
their breathing.

107

TOM
Well Jesus, that wasn't so bad, was it?

SOAP
When the bottle in my arse has contracted I'll let you know.

EDDY
Bacon, see what we got.

BACON
Let's have a butcher's. Jesus, there's lots of everything. We've got 
god knows how much of this stinking weed; we've got a shit load of 
cash; and we've got a . . . traffic warden.

TOM
A what?

BACON
A traffic warden. Look, what's this?

He holds up the hat.

TOM
Shit Ed, we've got a traffic warden.

Pause.

BACON
I think he's still alive. He's got claret coming out of him somewhere. 
What did they want with a traffic warden?

EDDY
I dunno, but I don't think we need him. Dump him at the lights.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

HATCHET
It's about time you give my young friends a visit, Chris. Tomorrow is 
the day and mum seems to be the word, and I can't have that now, can I, 
Chris?

BIG CHRIS
No Harry, you can't.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

Dog struggles free and unravels the tape from his head and gets the 
other three out.

DOG
Dead. Dead. I don't know who they think they could be, for me not to 
find 'em. Of course I'll find 'em. I don't give a flying fucking fish 
who they think they are. I'll kill - fur and feathers, burning wheel 
South African style, kebab 'em, peel 'em, slice 'em and dice ' em, hang 
draw and fucking quarter ' em.

INT. OTHER VAN - NIGHT

Two vans are parked back to back. We see Ed and the boys putting one 
last trunk into the back of the new van.

EDDY
That's it all done, we are off.

SOAP
You think it's a good idea taking it back to yours?

EDDY
There is nowhere else to keep it, and it's the last place they are 
going to look. Anyway the battle's over and the war is won.

Ed passes a handful of grass to Tom.

Tom, take this to Nick, and let's get rid of it, quick.

INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Nick has given the weed to Rory for inspection. Lenny has stepped in.

LENNY
It is skunk . . . and it's as good as it gets.

RORY
OK, I'll take it off you; half price.

NICK
I don't think he'll like that. You said three-five a key, that's what 
he wants and you know that's a good price.

RORY BREAKER
It was yesterday I said three and a half grand and today is today, if I 
am not mistaken.

Turns back to the TV.

I'll take it tomorrow for half price. If he wants to move it quick 
he'll take it. Now, I've got another game coming up in a minute so if 
you would be kind enough.

Pointing at the door. Nick exits.

Lenny, take this to Snow White and the three little chemists; they 
should have a gander at this. I want a proper opinion. 110

EXT. SLOANES' HOUSE - NIGHT

Lenny and Nathan, Rory's minders, pull up outside the Sloanes' house to 
have the weed analysed. For the first time it is revealed that Rory 
Breaker owns the Sloanes.

LENNY
Hold on!

NATHAN
What?

LENNY
something's not quite right here. Go in slowly, Nathan.

NATHAN
Fuck you funny man, you go first.

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - NIGHT

NATHAN
Shit!

Winston is tied up and squirming.

WINSTON
For Christ's sake, get us out.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

EDDY
Well, not a bad day's work. That takes care of Harry.

Pushing a massive pile of notes to one side.

SOAP
What's left over?'

TOM
Hold on, give us half a chance to count it.

SOAP
What about all the gear?

BACON
'Ere, have a pull of this.

Passes Ed the joint.

EDDY
I don't want that horrible shit. Give it to Soap. Can we just lock up 
and get drunk now, please?

INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - NIGHT

We see Winston, Nathan and the torso of Lenny, standing in front of 
Rory Like naughty schoolchildren.

WINSTON
We had the gates up but they stuck a shotgun through. Poor bloody J got 
shot; it was a right mess.

The gravity and reality dawns on Rory.

RORY
It will cost you more than your life's worth if you jest with me.

LENNY
Some girl took one of 'em out, but he's a bit of a mess.

WINSTON
(proudly j
We shot one of them in the throat.

112

RORY
What do you want, a fucking medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat 
if I don't get the gear back.

He pauses, rubs his forehead and continues, slightly calmer. You shot 
the one that's in there now?

WINSTON

No, another one.

RORY
This is more like it. So where's he?

WINSTON
They took him with them; he was still alive.

RORY
Well, what did you shoot him with, an air gun?

There is an embarrassed pause and a look of `how did you know?' Rory 
doesn't need an answer and slaps his forehead.

WINSTON
We grow weed, we're not mercenaries.

RORY

You don't say.

There is a pause while Rory searches for the right words. The silence 
is deafening.

LENNY
(stupidly)
Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory?

Rory looks up amazed.

RORY
Mr Breaker! Today my name is Mr Breaker. You think_this is a 
coincidence? Not many, Benny! This white shite steals my goods and then 
thinks it is a good idea to sell it back to me. They got less brains 
than you, Lenny . . . Get Nick cum-bubble round here now if he is 
stupid enough to still be on this planet.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Dog has all his boys round.

DOG
I want you to search the house for bugs. I mean I want you to strip it.

JOHN
What is the point in that? Even if it was a bug they would have taken 
it with 'em.

DOG
It is too late for you to start thinking John. It is a possibility and 
that is good enough for me. And after you strip the house, I want you 
to get every thieving slag this side of Ceylon and torture them, badly. 
I want to know who is responsible, otherwise I will hold you 
responsible.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

All kinds of characters have made an appearance. A game of cards is in 
motion, the forfeit now being alcohol. Barfly Jack the barman is 
sitting at the table. They are already on the road to being comfortably 
comatose.

TOM
Rory Breaker?

114

BARFLY JACK
Yeah, I know Rory.

This next section is subtitled. This is to keep everyone, even those 
familiar with cockney rhyming slang up to speed with the narration, of 
which even Tom is unsure. As with the police scene earlier this is a 
voice-over and we cut to the relevant scenes.

BARFLYJACK
(voice-over)
Rory's got few interests in life; darky music, football, bees and honey 
and kicking the shit out of anyone that interferes with that shortlist. 
A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron rusted, so he has gone to the 
battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching 
the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens 
and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. `Now fuck off and watch it 
somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to 
miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a 
fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are 
ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then 
orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong oddly in the nuclear sub and 
switches back to his footer. `That's fucking it,' says the man. Rory 
gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match 
into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, 
unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos 
ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won 
too, four-nil.

EXT.JD'S BAR - NIGHT

After a while Ed sees Daisy making a sneaky sharp exit and tries to 
pursue her, running out on to the street. Daisy is nowhere to be seen.

115

INT. RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY

Nick is blissfully ignorant of the situation. He is sitting in front of 
Rory.

RORY
Your one saving grace might be your stupidity.

NICK
(looking quite petrified)
Er.

RORY
Don't fucking er me, Greek boy! How is it that your so-fucking-stupid, 
soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my gear? 
And then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some 
sort of white cunts' joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cos I am not 
fucking laughing, Nik-ol-as.

NICK
Er.

RORY
There are four interests I have, Nick. Football, music, money, and the 
annihilation of anybody who interferes with that shortlist . . . I know 
you couldn't have known my position because you're not so fucking 
stupid that if you did know, you would turn up here scratching your 
arse, with that `what's going on here' look slapped on your Chevy 
Chase. But what you do know is where these people live.

We look at the white faced Nick. He doesn't open his mouth. The penny 
has dropped.

If you hold anything back, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or if 
I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget 
anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work very 
hard to stay alive, Nick. I hope you understand everything

I have said. Because if you don't, I'll kill you. Now, Mr Bubble and 
Squeak. You may now enlighten me.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - MORNING

Paul, John, and Plank are lined up like naughty schoolchildren in front 
of Dog, who is black-eyed and pissed off:

DOG
So we have a bit of a problem, don't we?

JOHN
Er well, yes we do.

DOG
In fact it is a little more than a bit of a problem, isn't it? You 
could say that in the scale of these things this is the Mount fucking 
Everest of problems, couldn't you? . . . And the reason it is such a 
mon fucking-strosity of a problem is because you don't have the first 
fucking idea who did this to us, do you?

PLANK
Dog, we have been up all night. It's no one round here! We have had 
them all against the wall.

JOHN
If it was a toe rag from the area we would know.

Dog starts slapping his troops round their heads.

DOG
You wouldn't know if it was the next-door fucking neighbours, you 
prick! You find 'em, you hear? And find 'em quick! Now get out and 
start looking! Out! Out!

Dog Loses his temper and throws Plank across the room. Plank's head 
breaks effortlessIy through the wall.

INT. ED AND BACON'S CUPBOARD - MORNING

A dust-covered Plank blinks in confusion as he looks on to a heap of 
recording equipment.

INT. JD'S BAR - DAY

Recovering from the night before.

BACON
Scarface, I have watched Scarface. You want to know how to do a drug 
deal, you watch Scarface!

EDDY
That inspires confidence, that does.

TOM
This guy Rory Breaker can afford to do the deal at the price we are 
selling. It's not worth him giving us trouble; he knows we would be a 
pain in the arse, and who wants a pain in the arse?

SOAP
I would take a pain in the arse for half a million.

TOM
You would take a pain ? the arse full stop.

SOAP
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.

EDDY
Jesus, would you two stop flirting for one minute . . . After we pay 
Hatchet, this deal puts us up near enough two hundred grand each. Not 
bad for a day's work, I think you will agree.

118

INT. SPLTT SCREEN. NICK'S HOUSE - DAY

A seventies-style split screen. A very shaky Nick answers his cartoon 
telephone.

NICK
Yeah?

INT. DEAN'S HOUSE - DAY

DEAN
That's no way to answer the phone.

NICK
Is that you, Dean?

DEAN
Sure is.

NICK
What can I do for you?

DEAN
You know those shotguns I sold ya, well I need 'em back.

NICK
Not likely I am afraid; I don't think I'll be seeing them again.

DEAN
I got the money to pay for 'em.

NICK
I am sure you do, but I don't think you understand; I am not going to 
see them or the guns again.

Gary looks at Dean.

119

DEAN
If we can't get 'em, we can't get 'em.

INT. SPLIT SCREEN. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY. Barry is on his 
mobile, moments later.

BARRY
You fucking well have to get 'em!

INT. DEAN'S - DAY

DEAN
We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.

BARRY
Inside, out-fuckin'-side. I don't give a shit, you get those guns 
because if you don't . . .

DEAN
Yeah, Bazza, what?

BARRY
You heard of Harry Lonsdale? Otherwise known as Back-you-up with-a-
Hatchet Harry, infamous for his removal of digits?

Dean pauses for a while, a look of concern coming over his face.

Well this is `James Bond need to know' time. They're his! When you 
dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean?

Hatchet has had enough. He grabs the phone from Barry's hand, waving 
the infamous fifteen-inch big black cock in the other hand. Hatchet 
goes on to put the shits up the Scousers.

HATCHET
Do you know who I am? I am split in two; there is me, and there is my 
patience, and patience has gone to the hospital; you are not far 
behind, know what I mean? I mean, find ' em, torture 'em, kill 'em, and 
bring back what belongs to me, because if you don't . . . you are . . . 
bang . . . in trouble.

Hatchet slams the phone down. Dean looks at Gary in horror.

GARY
Who was that?

DEAN
That was Hatchet Horrible Harry.

GARY
Jesus, I have heard about him.

DEAN
We're in the spite. They were his fucking guns that we sold; we gotta 
find 'em.

Dean dials Nick immediately.

No fucking about, Nick; where can I find those guns?

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Dog and boys have made a Large hole in the connecting cupboard wall 
which they have crawled through. Dog is holding a large bag which he 
has found.

JOHN
Dog, I have found the cash!

DOG
The stupid bastards! Count it!

JOHN
Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to do this next door?

DOG
We're not going next door until we've flayed these dead men walking. 
Count it out the back. I don't want them seeing you fingering that 
money as soon as they walk in.

JOHN
But...
(interrupts)
Give it us here, you dozy sod. You hide and get the guns ready. Wait 
until they are well in, then give it to 'em.

INT RORY BREAKER'S OFFICE - DAY

Rory Breaker is amassing his troops and preparing to go round to Ed's.

RORY BREAKER
We are going to do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of 
London illuminated; I want that house painted red. Winston here is 
coming along, see if he can recognize any of 'em, then we bring what's 
mine back here. Watch out for these fellas; they've got a bit of 
arsenal and they don't mind using it. Now you know what you're doing, 
yes?

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Big Chris and Little Chris are waiting outside. Dog's gang are waiting 
for Ed's gang inside. Rory's gang are going to Ed's.

122

INT. RORY BREAKER'S VAN - DAY

Six heavy-looking black guys are loading their weapons.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Dog's gang are also loading their weapons and concealing themselves 
among the furniture. Dog is counting out the money in the side room and 
has the two antique hammer-lock shotguns resting on the table in front 
of him, which were found with the rest of the bounty.

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Rory's boys stop the van outside Ed's and back up to Ed's front door. 
The rear van door is opened when it is completely flush and Lenny (with 
gun) prepares to do his worst.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

There is a loud bang and the front door disappears. In its place is a 
large black man pointing an even larger machine gun. Nobody seems to be 
at home; it appears to be quite an anti-climax. A long pause follows as 
both gangs don't quite know what to do. Rory's guys jump over the 
machine gun to explore further.

PLANK
(under his breath)
What the fuck is going on here?

Dog's lot are confused as to why these guys appear to have broken into 
their own home, carrying weapons of mass-destruction and looking to use 
them. We cut to a close-up of Plank's pov under the sofa. He can see 
numerous pairs of boots and they are multiplying. At last Plank can't 
take any more; his finger's shaking too much on the trigger. BANG.'

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

We see the windows shattering from the outside as bullets hail through.

INT. ED AND BACON'S BACK ROOM - DAY

Dog, who was counting the spoils in the adjoining room, is more than 
aware of the seriousness of the situation. He quickly closes his 
suitcase of money and grabs the two old guns, opens the adjoining door, 
gets splattered in blood and smoke and quickly closes it. He then 
checks his escape route out of the front window and exits. Dog looks 
quite pleased with himself as he still has the money and his life, and 
is holding the infamous guns in each hand like a Mexican bandit.

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Big Chris, watching the house, intrigued and interested by all the 
activity, has made his way closer, and low and behold: looks what walks 
straight into him.

BIG CHRIS
Got something here for me, have ya?
(Dog is stunned by this)
Come on, chop chop.

Before Dog has a chance to use the shotguns Chris grabs one in each 
hand and knocks Dog down with a swift headbutt. Dog moans, not knowing 
what day of the week it is. Chris opens the case, sees it's full of 
money, takes the two shotguns, then leaves. Thank you very much.

On reaching the car he gives the case to his son, putting the guns on 
the back seat.

Count that son, and put your seatbelt on.

INT. SCOUSERS' CAR - DAY

DEAN
Follow that car, Gary; he's got the fucking guns.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Ed's place has been shot to pieces. Only Rory and Winston (in shock) 
seem to be left. Rory is throwing the bags of weed into the back of his 
van, then he kicks over one of the bodies. It's a blood-covered Plank.

RORY BREAKER
This is one of them.

Winston nods in confirmation.

Lucky, that.

Bang' Bang! Plank (to Rory's surprise) still had a loaded gun. Rory and 
Plank despatch each other simultaneously.

INT. ED'S CAR (MOVING) - DAY

Tom, Bacon, Ed and Soap look hung-over Ed is driving. 126

TOM
There's six black cocks sitting on the side of the road. How many beaks 
have they got between them?

SOAP
Six.

TOM
How many wings have they got between them?

SOAP
Twelve.

TOM
How many feet?

SOAP
Er, well, twelve.

TOM
That's right. So how many whiskers has the little white kitten got?

SOAP
How the fuck should I know?

TOM
How come you know so much about black cocks and so little about white 
pussy?]

The end of this joke is interrupted by a van swerving past them, 
dangerously close. The lads lodge a complaint and then they stop 
outside Ed and Bacon's so that they can pick up the money.

* Cut from completed film.

127

EXT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON
What has been going on here?

They look into a smoking, blood-covered house.

SOAP
The money, the gear!

TOM
That's fucked it. What do we do now? No money, no weed; it's all been 
swapped for a pile of corpses.

SOAP
OK, don't panic; let's think about this.

EDDY
Bollocks! You can think about it for as long as you like. I am 
panicking and I am off mate.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE CORRIDOR - DAY

Big Chris is about to walk in to Hatchet's office. The door opens and 
out walks John O'Driscoll with a serious sunburn.

BIG CHRIS
Hello, John. Nice holiday?

JOHN O'DRISCOLL
I won't be seeing you again Chris; I have paid him every last penny.

BIG CHRIS
I am sure you have, no one was accusing you of being dishonest, John.

128

HATCHET
(off)
That you, Chris?

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

HATCHET
How did you get your hands on these?

He drops a vagina-shaped penis massager, realising that these are the 
guns he has been after. He then tries desperately to conceal his 
excitement.

BIG CHRIS
The boys had 'em. I know you like these things; wondered if you wanted 
them?

HATCHET
Er, yeah, sure, I'll have 'em.

BARRY
Was it any trouble getting the money?

BIG CHRIS
Well, not especially, but they seem to of upset a few characters.

HATCHET
Have you counted the money?

BIG CHRIS
Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.

HATCHET
They were going to pay, then?

BIG CHRIS
It looks like ?, but who knows? The opportunity was there. In my 
experience it is best to take the opportunity if it is there.

HATCHET
Good job, Chris.

Chris exits, pushing his wages into his inside packet. Harry is 
ecstatic about the guns and starts chuckling to himself.

EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

The Scousers watch Big Chris walk out of Hatchet's empty-handed

DEAN
We gotta get those guns.

GARY
This is dangerous shit, Dean; we don't even know who lives in there.

DEAN
Listen, I don't care who lives in there; all as I know it's got to be 
preferable to death by Hatchet.

GARY
Furry muff, let's go.

EXT. ED'S CAR (STATIC) - DAY

SOAP
I hope this is the right move.

EDDY
It's either that, my old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily. I am 
going to call him.

BACON
As if he'll care.

130

EDDY
He'll care all right. That was going to be his money. Whether he cares 
about us is different. Pass your phone.

BACON
Think about what you're going to say, Ed; we are on thin ice.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S STAIRCASE - DAY

The two Scousers with guns in hand creep their way up the stairs. 
There's only one door in front of them. Dean gets ready to kick it 
open. Gary leans against the wall and delivers a Professionals-style 
kick.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Harry is in his offtce playing with his guns. The phone rings.

HATCHET
That you, boy?

EDDY
(on phone)
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.

HATCHET
It's pay day, ain't it?

EDDY
(on phone)
I wanted to talk to you about that.

HATCHET
I bet you did. I have got half a million nicker sitting in front of me, 
which means that some poor sod doesn't. You must have upset a few 
people, boy . . . but that isn't really my concern, is it? But what 
does concern me is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. 
Get your arse over here now, and I do mean now!

INT. ED'S CAR - DAY

Ed puts the phone down after a pause. His state of shock is obvious to 
the rest of the lads.

BACON
Well?

EDDY
Well what?

TOM
(impatiently)
Well, what did he say?

EDDY
He said he thinks we have paid him, and he wants to talk about those 
guns . . . now.

SOAP
You what? What are you on about?

EDDY
Listen, if he has the guns he might have the money . . . I think we 
should go and see him.

BACON
I think you're a sandwich short of a picnic, mate; you want to start 
making sense.

133

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

We cut to a time Lapse. Hatchet puts down the phone while resting his 
bum on the front of his desk. He is ecstatic with the guns. He loads 
and plays with them, aiming at imaginary moving birds.

The door is suddenly kicked wide open and, lo and behold, there is a 
Scouser standing in the door. Dean has a thousand ugly thoughts flying 
through his troubled mind, most of which are based an regretting the 
decision to kick this door in: `shit, what the hell is that, and why is 
he holding a shotgun'. Hatchet realizes that the man standing in the 
doorway (who is posed like De Niro in the poster of Taxi Driver, 
holding a gun in each hand) has nor come to deliver the mail. The pair 
are blissfully unaware that employee has met employer. Hatchet Harry 
has effectively contracted his own demise. The pause is eventually 
shattered by reality There is a rush to pull their individual triggers. 
There is a race between the two bullets to reach their prospective 
targets. Both barrels are emptied into Dean's chest. The Scourer is 
airborne by the sheer power of the cartridges. One of Dean's 
bullets,finds its way into Harry's shoulder. Gary can do nothing to 
stop this atrocity. He watches helplessly as his pal flies clean past 
him.

Overtaken by emotion or fear, Gary charges in, gun blazing, and 
proceeds to perforate Hatchet who is now unarmed. Hatchet flies over 
his desk. Gary comes into the room to finish the job and fires one last 
bullet into Hatchet, who is lying on the chair side of his desk. It is 
then revealed that Barry is sitting in his chair behind the door. The 
Scourer can't see Barry and Barry can't see Gary's face. Barry throws 
the hatchet that is sitting next to him in a butcher's block. It hits 
Gary in the back. Gary spins round firing wildly and lodges a bullet in 
Barry's stomach. It is then clear to them both that this has all been a 
terrible mistake.

BARRY/GARY
What are you doing here?

Then both collapse into dead lumps on the floor.

EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE ED'S CAR - DAY

EDDY
You and me, Tom.

TOM
What do you mean, me?

They stand outside Hatchet's door and are just about to ring it when 
Tom notices it's open.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY EDDY

Oh Jesus, not again.

The two pause while they build their confidence. They enter Hatchet 
Harry's room. It's still smoky. There on the table is the money.

TOM
That's it, I am off.

Ed tiptoes over to the bag containing the money.

EDDY
Tom, this is our case.

TOM
. . . What?

EDDY
This is our money, Tom! . . . Now I think we should go.

Tom sees his guns. His eyes widen in surprise.

TOM
I'll meet you in the car. I am taking these guns.

136

EDDY
Tom, don't mess around, let's go.

TOM
I'11 meet you in the car.

EDDY
Tom?

TOM
I'll only be a minute.

EXT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE/CHRIS'S CAR - DAY

BIG CHRIS
A job well done son; we made a few quid out of that one.

As he puts the key in the ignition, there is no reply from his little 
boy

BIG CHRIS
Son?

DOG
Made a few quid, did ya? Now where is it?

We can't see Dog but we can see the sharp side of a knife resting along 
the front of Little Chris's throat. The Dog is Lying down in the back. 
Big Chris assesses the situation.

BIG CHRIS
You all right back there, mate?

DOG
Very fucking funny. Where's what I want?

BIG CHRIS
It's in an office; I have just left it in the office. 137

DOG
Well, you had better go and get it from the office. That's if you want 
to see your son reach his next birthday. Now chop-fuckin'-chop.

BIG CHRIS
All right, furry muff.

Big Chris doesn't seem too bothered by this problem. He shrugs and 
starts the car.

DOG
What are you doing?

BIG CHRIS
Well, it's a five minute walk or a thirty second drive.

DOG
You had better be careful.

Big Chris starts his car up, looks across to make sure that Little 
Chris has got his seatbelt on and pulls out on to the road. He gets 
faster and faster until Dog pokes him in the shoulder with his knife. 
Chris pulls hard to the left and rams into the nearest parked vehicle. 
BANG' Dog goes flying forward, hitting the windscreen.

INT. ED'S CAR (STATIC) OUTSIDE HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Another time lapse.

SOAP
Well, what's going on?

EDDY
I don't know, but what I do know is that there's no more Harry, which 
means there's no more debt, and if there's no more debt there's no more 
problem, and there's no more problem with our neighbours because they 
are all dead. I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything 
wrong anyway, which means we are in the clear.

Bang! Big Chris's car hits them straight in the rear. The bag of cash 
goes flying through the car, landing on the dash. The lads are knocked 
unconscious.

INT. CHRIS'S CAR (NOW STATIC) - DAY

Big Chris, having removed the knife from a stunned Dog, proceeds to 
smash his head against the dash and has the most amount of fun in doing 
so.

BIG CHRIS
Never, never, not as long as I can remember has anybody been as rude to 
me as you have.

Dog is being thrown around like a rag doll.

INT. SIDE ROOM TO INTERROGATION ROOM - PRESENT, OPENING SCENE

We are looking through a two-way mirror.

SERG
Don't think I wouldn't like to get rid of you; but before I do, I need 
to know what's going on, Edward.

EDDY
If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole, blindfolded.

The camera spins round to see the traffic warden standing with a 
policeman. There is a long pause far consideration. Eventually he 
shakes his head.

TRAFFIC WARDEN
No, that's not one of them.

The policeman then knocks on the door.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

The SERG looks round to see the policeman. They exit and Ed is left on 
his own. After a short pause the door bursts open.

SERG
All right son, you're outta here! And you want to stay outta here.

FADE IN TO BLACK.

FADE IN.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

All the lads are sitting in the bar. Ed is talking to Tom who is 
interested in whatever he has to say.

EDDY
The traffic warden went to the morgue and recognized Dog and his lot so 
that put us sort of in the clear. They got no case against us because 
there is no evidence against us.

BACON
Apart from those shotguns.

EDDY
And Tom took care of them.

Pause while Tom looks embarrassed about something.

SOAP
You did take care of the guns, didn't you, Tom?

Ed looks at Tom, who looks even more embarrassed.

TOM
I wanted to talk to you about that.

BACON
Well, talk.

TOM
Well not exactly, no; I got 'em sitting in the car, actually; I thought 
we might sell them back to the Greek, but I am having a bit of a 
problem getting hold of him.

BACON

You dippy bastard.

EDDY
The only item that connects us with the crime is sitting in your car 
which is sitting outside?

TOM
We paid seven hundred quid for those guns. They could hardly trace them 
to you, could they?

SOAP
I don't think we will take the risk for seven hundred quid.

EDDY
Tom, go and throw those guns off a bridge.

BACON
And, throw yourself off while you're at it. SOAP

Now, Tom! There is a pause.

ALTOGETHER
Now, Tom!

Tom leaves, looking a little sulky.

EDDY
The silly sod.

Big Chris walks in. He approaches the bar.

BIG CHRIS
JD.

JD
Chris.
(Pause)
You come to collect something, Chris? Should I have something for you?

BIG CHRIS
Nope.

JD
Can I help?

BIG CHRIS
I think I can help you, as it happens.

JD
Yes?

BIG CHRIS
I have got something for ya. Well, for your boy, actually.

JD
Well, I suggest you speak to him, then.

They all look rather shocked. He is carrying their bag and he places it 
on the table, which increases the shock factor.

BIG CHRIS
It seems that Hatchet under-estimated your lot and that seems to have 
cost him . . . I am not going to make the same mistake, am I? I have 
decided to bring your bag back.

Pause. The words you are looking for start with thank you.

EDDY
Thank you.

BIG CHRIS
Now you have presented me with a problem. I don't have an employer any 
more. So I have taken care of myself and my son, and if you think that 
is unfair you just come and pay me a little visit; but you better be 
waving the white flag high and clear, otherwise it will be the last 
little visit you lot ever make . . . That's all I had to say. It's been 
emotional.

Big Chris turns to walk out. The lads stare at the bag and then at each 
other.

EXT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

Big Chris walks out into the street. We see a shiny new sports car. 
Little Chris is sitting in the passenger seat.

BIG CHRIS
That should take care of that lot. We are now officially in the money-
loaning business, all right, son?

LITTLE CHRIS
All right, Dad.

BIG CHRIS
Well, put your seatbelt on then.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

Ed goes forward to open the case. The rest are still in shock. Ed opens 
the bag.

EDDY
There's nothing in it!

SOAP
What do you mean?

EDDY
I mean it's fucking empty.

BACON  lunges forward and stares in. He sticks his hand in and extracts 
an A4 envelope. They look puzzled. Ed feels the package and starts to 
tear the top off. As this is done it creates a split screen.

On the other side of the picture, Tom is on a London bridge with the 
car boot open. He looks at the guns with regret and give them one last 
polish. Then he folds the guns up and places them on top of a handrail. 
Simultaneously Ed extracts a Sotherby's brochure on shotguns. They 
still look confused. They turn the brochure upside down and recognize 
the shotguns. Slowly they start to turn the pages.

Torn pushes the shotguns over the top rail: they fall. He starts 
walking but stops for some reason. He retreads his steps and peers 
over; the guns had just fallen on to a shelf.

Ed sees the price of the guns: a series of alarming zooms cut between 
eyes and prices. They panic and reach for their mobile phones.

Tom is climbing over the bridge now and has to hold on to the rail with 
one arm.

Ed starts screaming at the other two that the number is engaged and 
asks them to put their phones down.

Tom now had one hand on the guns and one on the rail. His mobile phone 
starts to ring in his top pocket; he has either to drop the guns or let 
go of the rail to answer the phone.

The shot freezes.

Back to IMSDb