MINI'S FIRST TIME
Written by
Nick Guthe
CLOSE ON:
The face of MINERVA "MINI" DROGUES, 18, watching something.
She looks extremely bored by the television images flickering
across her eyes. She has a pretty face: Large eyes, and pouty
mouth. Her knowing look is incongruous with a face clearly
still that of a girl.
- MINI (V.O.)
I know what you're thinking. Don't
bullshit me, because I do... You're
- thinking, oh dear lord in heaven,
please, I'm begging you. I'll gouge
- out my eyes with the straw in my
drink right now. I'll jam every
last kernel of popcorn into my
- mouth until I suffocate, just not
another fucking teenage coming-of-
age story.
We pull back to reveal her body, which is moving out of that
awkward stage between adolescence and womanhood. Though tall
and thin, her hips haven't quite rounded. She's wearing a
"FUCT" T-shirt and jean shorts.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Well, relax...no prom night
highjinks, no nerds becoming
popular and no Shakespeare set in
high school...I promise.
CLOSE ON: THE TV SCREEN. "When Animals Attack" is on. In a
series of quick cuts:
A zoo keeper is mauled by an elephant.
A sport fisherman is attacked on the deck of a boat by a
shark he and his buddies thought was dead.
A pit bull clamps down on his owner's arm.
An alligator hunter stupidly puts his head in the mouth of a
just-captured alligator, only to have it chomp down on his
skull.
MINI (V.O.)
Since it happened, everyone's
asked me how it all started.
2.
Mini's face registers no reaction to the gruesome images. We
now see she is sitting in the living room of a well-appointed
Studio City hillside home.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM- EVENING- A PARTY.
TEENAGERS OF PRIVILEGE and their UPTIGHT PARENTS are milling
around, dancing and chatting as A DEEJAY spins tunes.
MINI (V.O.)
I suppose the obvious answer is my
eighteenth birthday...
Mini dances with a few friends in a very short mini-skirt and
halter top. She clearly understands how to the drive the boys
crazy and this is not lost on her mother, DIANE, 42, who
stands off to the side, nursing a drink with some other HYPER-
AEROBICIZED MOTHERS.
MINI (V.O.)
See, I was blessed with a terrific
mom. Not only is she a lush, but
she also hates me.
Diane is beautiful, but there is an essential hardness to her
that comes from a life spent trading on her looks. The
blouse and mini-skirt she wears are inappropriately revealing
for the occasion of her daughter's birthday.
MINI (V.O.)
A few days before the party, I
overhear her on the phone ordering
me a male stripper. Nothing says "I
love you" like ten inches of man
meat in your face.
Diane and the other mothers are talking about Mini's dancing.
MINI (V.O.)
And knowing dear old ma, she'll try
and nail him after the party...in
my bed.
Mini's friend KAYLA, a little rounder, but also brash, comes
dancing over. She's swaying her hips provocatively at Mini,
almost challenging her.
MIKE RUDELL, a tanned and trim man of 55, watches their
display, clearly enjoying the way it's jump-starting his
imagination.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
That guy? Our neighbor Mike Rudell,
big shot TV producer and the guy my
mom screws whenever the batteries
run out.
Kayla and Mini begin dancing together in a very explicit way,
clearly trying to make the adults uncomfortable.
MINI
Yo, bee-ach!
KAYLA
Yo, birthday bee-ach!
MINI
Is it on?
KAYLA
Oh, it's on!
MINI
That's my girl!
Mini grabs Kayla and dips her low.
INT. THE KITCHEN - LATER.
Kayla instructs some CATERERS to start wheeling a giant
birthday cake into the living room. The caterers look
confused, but Kayla is insistent and the young men obey,
starting to wheel the cake down the long hall.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The cake emerges from the hallway. The caterers begin singing
"Happy Birthday", as Diane turns to see it and her eyes flash
rage. As Diane comes storming over, we switch to SLOW MOTION.
MINI (V.O.)
See, to understand me, you need to
understand that life, in my
opinion, is all about new
experiences. "Firsts" is what I
call them.
As she strides across the room, the look of vitriolic rage on
Diane's face grows stronger with every step.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Somewhere around fourteen, when I
had my first...rhymes with duck, I
realized that the goal of life, any
life, should be to cram as many
"firsts" into it as possible.
We switch back to real time.
DIANE
What the hell are you doing? I said
wait until-
(looking around)
She's not even here, you morons!
A YOUNG CATERER'S face turns white.
CATERER
But, but her friend said--
POP! Suddenly the lid to the cake flies off and from behind
we see A NUDE MINI rises out of it like Venus on the half
shell.
MINI
SURPRISE!
MINI'S POV:
A collection of reactions from the party goers: The mothers
are numb, the fathers pretend to be disturbed, while copping
looks, and her friends are in stitches. Some are even waving
dollar bills. M
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
That was definitely a first, but
more importantly, it was the first
time I really understood my
potential...And that's when it all
started.
Mini leans over and gives her STUNNED mom a big hug.
MINI (CONT'D)
(doing her best Donna
Reed)
Oh, Mom, this is the best birthday
ever!
5.
INT. MINI'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
Mini stands in a bathrobe with a towel around her head,
having just taken a shower. She removes the towel to reveal
she's just changed her hair color to FLAMING RED.
MINI (V.O.)
That little stunt got me grounded
for a week, but it was worth it.
CUT TO:
Mini blow drying her hair.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
See, I just don't understand people
who live their lives as one big
routine.
CUT TO:
Mini evenly spreading the base to her make-up.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
They're basically saying "I'm not
worthy of a unique experience on
this earth."...Well, sorry, but I
am.
CUT TO:
Mini applying blush to her cheeks.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The law of firsts has served me
well, because it's liberated me
from the usual pathetic, repetitive
concerns of high school.
CUT TO:
Mini applying eye liner.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I simply don't care if I'm popular,
because if I did, then I'd be
constantly stressing about whether
my clothes are cool enough, or if
Troy, the "gay but he doesn't know
it yet" quarterback, is gonna call.
6.
INT. THE HALLWAY OF MINI'S HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Mini and Kayla walk down the crowded halls attracting lustful
looks from some of the more aggressive boys.
They approach a group of FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
KAYLA
(whispering, worried)
Oh, God, it's Troy.
MINI
Just keep walking and don't look at
him.
T
ROY, a cocky, chiseled, all-around nightmare, sticks his
tongue in his cheek, simulating a blow job.
TROY
Yo, Kayla, I got some more of what
you were looking for Saturday
night.
MINI (V.O.)
Ahh...The joys of the American
educational system.
Kayla puts her head down, her face turning red, as Mini stops
to address Troy and his posse.
MINI (CONT'D)
(suddenly brightening)
Actually, Troy, I think you
confused her with that senile,
toothless grandmother of yours.
"Ooohs" and "Aaahs" erupt from the onlookers as Troy looks
concerned his ambush has backfired.
TROY
Yo, Mini, why don't you use that
mouth for something useful and suck
my dick?
More students start to gather, overhearing them.
MINI
Actually, now that you mention it,
I can't think of anything I'd
rather do than suck your dick.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
Troy looks around, surprised and emboldened by her
declaration.
TROY
Well, it's all for you, babe.
Mini moves closer, looking him right in the eye.
MINI
Really?
TROY
(daring her)
If you can fit it all in.
The crowd has now swelled to a few dozen, as everyone is
riveted by the exchange. Suddenly, Mini starts unzipping his
fly.
TROY (CONT'D)
Hey, what the?!
MINI
(grabbing his belt buckle)
I'm going to suck your dick, Troy,
you said I could.
Troy tries to push her away, but she's got a grip on his
belt. Everyone watching is almost speechless at first, but
then giggles start to erupt.
TROY
Yo, this ain't funny!
MINI
No, Troy, I want to suck your dick
right now!
TROY
Jesus, Mini, come on, get off!
MINI
(screaming)
No, Troy! You said I could, now
come on!
She gets down on her knees, struggling to get a hand in his
pants. The crowd howls with approval, as they almost can't
believe their eyes.
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI
Let's see it! Come on, I want to
suck your throbbing member right
now!
Troy finally pushes her off, humiliated, and runs down the
hall as the mob laughs at him. Kayla looks at her gratefully
and smiles.
CUT TO:
Mini applying frosty hot pink lipstick, making her lips as
full as possible.
DIANE (O.S.)
Mini?
Mini looks towards the door, deciding to ignore her mother.
DIANE (O.S.)
(screaming)
MINI?!
Mini turns towards the sound.
MINI
WHAT?!
Diane comes storming in.
DIANE
When I call you, I expect you to
answer.
MINI
(flatly)
Sorry.
DIANE
Don't patronize me.
MINI
(sugar sweet)
Sorry!
DIANE
If you're trying to get me to call
you a spoiled little ungrateful
bitch, you're out of luck, because
I won't give you the satisfaction.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Thanks, mommy.
Diane's eyes narrow, as it's clear Mini knows exactly where
her mother's buttons are.
MINI (CONT'D)
What do you want?
DIANE
I'm going out and I need you to
wait for the delivery from the
liquor store. They'll be here by
nine.
MINI
Fine.
Diane gives Mini the once over, lingering on her mini-skirt.
Diane winces at the outfit.
DIANE
Just thought you should know, that
makes your thighs look fat.
MINI
(deadpan)
Gosh, you're right, mom, I'm such a
cow.
MINI (V.O.)
It's a freakin' miracle I'm not
anorexic after eighteen years of
her little pep talks.
MINI
Have fun, don't do anything I
wouldn't.
Diane turns and leaves.
DIANE
(over her shoulder)
Well, that doesn't leave much.
MINI
(under her breath)
Cunt.
Mini turns back to the mirror.
10.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mini pulls on a pair of thigh-high stockings, as a lit
cigarette hangs from M
her mouth.
MINI (V.O.)
My mother moved out to LA from Ohio
when she was twenty to become an
actress. Even though she was a
total flatliner, somehow she
managed to land a few bit parts on
soaps...without screwing anyone.
INT. A HALLWAY OF THE HOUSE - LATER.
Mini walks along the corridor in a pair of "fuck me" pumps,
as the doorbell is heard ringing.
MINI (V.O.)
When she gets really sauced, she'll
pop the tapes in and make me watch,
then I'll threaten to call the
suicide hotline.
She continues through the living room towards the door,
hiking her mini skirt up a little.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
After a few years, she got
desperate and spread 'em for this
fat, ugly producer when he promised
to give her a role in some bullshit
cable series that was basically
softcore porn. She got knocked up
with me and he told her she
couldn't be on the show, unless she
hoovered me out.
She reaches the front the door.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Excuse me for one sec.
She opens the door to reveal a delivery boy, JIMMY 20's, with
six cases of liquor stacked on a handcart.
JIMMY
(nervously excited)
Hey, Mini, how you doin'?
MINI
You're late.
11.
INT. THE KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini watches as Jimmy carefully lifts one case after another
on to the counter.
MINI (V.O.)
She was gonna do it, too, at least
that what's she told me when she
was feeling particularly loving.
But then she heard rumors the show
wasn't gonna fly and realized
eighteen years of child support
beat thirteen weeks on "Skin
Tight", so I got to stick around.
...Bad choice.
Mini opens one case, takes out a bottle and heads out of the
kitchen.
I
NT. THE WET BAR - LATER.
Mini mixes herself a large Sapphire martini.
MINI (V.O.)
Anyway, what Mom didn't count on
was the prick having a heart attack
and croaking a year after I was
born.
She pours it into a martini glass and drops an olive in.
MINI (V.O.)
When she tried to collect on his
estate, she found out he'd owed the
government two point five in back
taxes.
EXT. A RUN DOWN STUCCO APARTMENT BUILDING IN THE VALLEY-
CIRCA 1993.
Diane walks down the steps to a waiting Porsche, with a
SLEAZY LOOKING, BUT CLEARLY RICH GUY behind the wheel.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
Now, if she had been smart, she
would've set her sights a little
lower and gone after a guy who
would've worshipped the ground she
walked on and wouldn't care that
she already had a kid...
CUT TO:
Diane getting into the car. She turns to the driver and gives
him a flirty smile. IT'S NOW A DIFFERENT, but just as SLEAZY
GUY smiling back at her.
MINI (V.O.)
But not mom, she was gonna bag
another elephant if it meant
gobbling every knob from Hollywood
to the Palisades.
As the car pulls away, we see an 8 YEAR OLD MINI watch from
an upstairs window of the building.
INT. THE SAME RUN DOWN APARTMENT - EVENING
Mini sits watching TV as Diane walks in with YET ANOTHER
SLEAZY GUY, his hands all over her. Diane looks surprised
and pissed to see Mini still up.
DIANE
Jesus Chr--Mini, why aren't you in
bed?
Mini just stares at her, then shifts her penetrating gaze to
SLEAZY GUY #3. He looks unnerved by Mini.
SLEAZY GUY #3
I thought you said we'd be--
DIANE
Don't worry, Larry, she's going to
bed, right now. Aren't you?
I
NT. MINI'S TINY BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mini lies awake as the SOUNDS OF DIANE FUCKING SLEAZY GUY
#3's brains out waft through the thin walls.
13.
INT. THE KITCHEN OF DIANE'S APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING.
Mini sits at the kitchen table eating cereal as THE FOURTH
SLEAZY GUY emerges from Diane's bedroom, he's tucking his
shirt in. He looks a little startled to see her up.
SLEAZY GUY #4
Oh...Uh, hi, uh, tell your mom I, uh, had a good time.
MINI
Oh, I will...Like some coffee for
the road?
The guy looks at her a little surprised, then smiles.
SLEAZY GUY #4
Sure...thanks, kid.
CUT TO:
Mini watching the PORSCHE PULL AWAY from the curb. In her
hand, she holds a bottle of MAXIMUM STRENGTH EX-LAX.
CUT TO:
SLEAZY GUY #4 driving down the freeway, drinking coffee from
a paper cup. Suddenly, a look of absolute dread overcomes
him.
INT. DIANE'S APARTMENT - LATER.
Diane emerges from her bedroom in her bathrobe, looking
disheveled. She glares at Mini, who sits at the kitchen
table eating her cereal.
DIANE
Do you want to live in this shit
hole your whole life?
Mini just stares at her.
DIANE
Then stay in your fucking room
until they leave. Got it?
Mini says nothing. Suddenly, Diane picks up a SMALL PIECE OF
POTTERY from the coffee table and throws it at Mini's head.
Mini ducks as it SMASHES behind her on the wall.
14.
CUT BACK TO: 18 YEAR OLD MINI MIXING HER MARTINI IN THE WET
BAR.
MINI (V.O.)
So it pretty much went on like that
until...
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Mini? Diane? I'm home.
MINI (V.O.)
Five years ago, when she met
Martin.
Mini starts downing the drink in a few big gulps.
M
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was a win-win...
INT. A HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
Mini, Diane and MARTIN TANNEN, 45, a trim executive in an
Armani suit and $300 haircut, mingle at a large corporate
cocktail party. Martin, a man who understands, in his world,
style over substance is a way of life, works the crowd
effortlessly.
MINI (V.O.)
He didn't want kids, but needed a
ready-made family to help project
an image of stability for his
corporate outings...We finally got
out of Reseda...
CUT TO:
Mini at the bar, stealing the drink of a TROPHY WIFE who has
turned her back on it, to make a point to her OLDER HUSBAND.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It was great for about a year...
CUT TO:
LATER. Martin finishes talking to a client and heads out on
the balcony to get some air, where he sees Diane kissing a
HANDSOME YOUNG EXECUTIVE off to the side. Martin stiffens as
he watches in SLOW MOTION her tongue slip into his mouth.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Then he figured out what he had
married...by then it was too late.
15.
INT. THE FRONT DOOR TO THE HOUSE - NIGHT
Martin puts his keys and cell phone on a table near the door.
MINI
(breezing past him)
You're home early.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
First time in three months he's
walked in before Letterman. He
totally forgot my birthday party,
and right now I'm thinking his pin
cushion must have given him the
walking papers or...found a new
pin.
MARTIN
Yeah...uh...
(searching)
A dinner with a client got
canceled.
MINI (V.O.)
Bingo.
MINI
Tough day?
MARTIN
About the same...
They head back into the living room.
MINI
Protecting all those poor
defenseless oil companies from
those big bad environmentalists?
M
ARTIN
Someone's got to make the payments
on your Beemer.
MINI (V.O.)
He's a partner at a public
relations firm, which is ironic
because I can't remember the last
time he and my mom were seen in
public together...or had relations.
He plops down on the couch, taking an electronic organizer
out of his breast pocket.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Is your mother around?
MINI
No, she went to a party off
Beachwood. She was in one of her
"happy moods", so I doubt she'll be
sleeping here...
MARTIN
Oh.
MINI
(innocently)
If you were thinking of inviting a
guest over.
MARTIN
(measured)
I wasn't, but thanks for the
concern...You're going out on a
school night?
MINI
Yeah?
Martin punches a few buttons on the organizer, his mind
clearly elsewhere.
MARTIN
Mmm...Is your homework done?
MINI
Haven't even cracked a book.
MARTIN
(not listening)
Mmm...
INT. MINI'S BATHROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini double checks her purse for everything: lipstick,
compact, Altoids, a flask of liquor and a string of condoms.
MINI (V.O.)
Considering how many guys my mom
has done in his bed, you've got to
admire his resolve. He could've
left her years ago, but with no pre-
nup, he loses half and he just
won't give in.
17.
EXT. THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini walks out the front door, revealing an impressive front
of the house with stone pillars and a brick circular drive.
Martin's MERCEDES 500 SL COUPE and Mini's BMW Z3 convertible
sit in the open garage.
MINI (V.O.)
Their arrangement actually keeps
everything very calm.
Mini gets into her BMW.
EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - NIGHT
The BMW drives down the street, weaving in and out of
traffic. M
MINI (V.O.)
As I said, the rule of firsts
guides my life. Once you've gotten
into every club in town and had
enough Ivy League lawyers cum too
fast, drastic measures are called
for.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - NIGHT
Mini walks past the neon covered shop windows.
MINI (V.O.)
I thought it would be a goof if I
put a photo ad in one of those 25
cent "outcall" massage newspapers
they sell around town. But I just
got a bunch of pervs breathing
heavy on my voice mail. So I went
to an escort service, and when they
found out I was 18, they told me
they had two tricks in the same
hotel that night...if I was up to
it.
She passes OLDER PROSTITUTES soliciting cars that have slowed
down for a peek.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Would you look at them?
One of the prostitutes gives her a threatening look.
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It's pathetic. I mean, she's got to
be, what? At least twenty
eight?...In dog years.
(pausing)
Oh, wait, that would make her four.
She arrives in front of the HOLLYWOOD ROOSEVELT HOTEL.
INT. A HALLWAY OF THE HOTEL - NIGHT
Mini walks down a hall and stops in front of a room and
knocks. She looks around trepidatiously, as she waits for an
answer. The door opens and a MIDDLE AGED MAN opens the door.
He's very well groomed in a creepy middle american way. He
could be a serial killer or...
INT. A HOTEL ROOM - LATER.
Mini pulls her red top on and heads for the door, as the man
sheepishly follows her.
MINI (V.O.)
My first night as a call girl was
a serious let down. It turns out
both guys were in town for the
"Promise Keepers" convention.
She reaches the door. He opens it and points to the room
across from his. Mini walks across and knocks.
M
MINI (V.O.)
The first one got so excited I
didn't even get a chance to get my
panties off before he creamed
himself.
A HEAVIER MAN in a denim shirt opens it.
INT. THE OTHER HOTEL ROOM - LATER.
The heavier man is on his knees, weeping as he hugs Mini
around the waist.
MINI (V.O.)
And the other said I looked so much
like his niece, he started
whimpering and praying for
forgiveness.
She rolls her eyes in frustration.
19.
EXT. FOUNTAIN AVENUE - NIGHT
Mini drives home, suddenly a SIREN is heard and she sees the
FLASHING LIGHTS of a cop car behind her. Mini pulls over
looking pissed.
MINI (V.O.)
Time to bat the eye lashes...
The cop car pulls up behind her and a FEMALE COP WITH A BUZZ
CUT gets out, approaching the car. Mini looks in her mirror,
with a sly smile. The cop reaches Mini's door and looks down
at her, clearly attracted to her.
EXT. A BACK ALLEY OFF FOUNTAIN - NIGHT
THE POLICE CRUISER is parked with its lights off.
INT. THE CAR - CONTINUOUS
THE FEMALE COP is lying on the seat with her legs spread, as
Mini goes down on her. The woman is clutching the steering
wheel with her left hand and the seat with her right, hanging
on for dear life as Mini rocks her world.
MINI (V.O.)
This? Are you kidding? My first
woman and my first cop?...It
would've been perfect if she hadn't
wanted to cuddle afterwards.
INT. THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - LATER.
Mini unlocks the door and walks in to find Diane passed out,
face-up on the sofa in a loosely-tied bathrobe. At the sound
of the door, Diane looks up.
DIANE
(slurring)
Oh...wha- what are you doing here?
M
ini stops and looks at her mother, absorbing her insightful
question. Mini sighs and heads for the bedroom.
DIANE
Did you have fun, dear?
MINI
Yeah, I turned two tricks and went
down on a dyke cop.
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
Thass nice...
Mini heads down the hallway.
MINI (V.O.)
God, what's gotten into her? She
was almost warm and fuzzy.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini walks in and stops dead in her tracks. A GREASY-HAIRED
NAKED MAN lies passed out on her bed. His body hair is thick
and matted. His genitals are covered by her pillow, which he
cradles like a teddy bear.
Mini's jaw tightens slowly.
INT. THE LOBBY OF THE PENINSULA HOTEL - NIGHT
Mini walks through the lobby past TWO BUSINESSMEN sitting at
the bar, chatting up TWO VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN in their mid
twenties.
MINI (V.O.)
After that night, things really
picked up.
The men's eyes instinctively follow Mini, as their dates
exchange a glance of annoyance.
MINI (V.O.)
My one rule which the agency wasn't
too happy about was, of course,
only firsts, no repeat customers.
EXT. AN OFFICE BUILDING IN SHERMAN OAKS - DAY
This time Mini walks in, dressed like a normal high school
student, past a SECURITY GUARD.
MINI (V.O.)
But believe me, they didn't have
too much trouble honoring that
request.
INT. AN IMPRESSIVE CORNER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Mini is led in by a SECRETARY who presents Mini to one of the
PENINSULA BUSINESSMEN sitting behind a large oak desk.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
I'd make house calls to offices at
lunch hour and we'd say I was
someone's niece or cousin in town
on vacation.
The man stands up and greets her like she's family, and then
quickly shuts the door.
E
XT. A HOUSE IN THE HILLS - NIGHT
Mini arrives in her convertible and gets out dressed in a
cheerleaders uniform.
MINI (V.O.)
And then when football season
started, Saturday through Monday...
INT. THE ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A HUSKY MAN in a football jersey opens the door to find Mini
waving her pom poms with a Texas sized grin on her face.
MINI (V.O.)
I was busier than Domino's.
INT/EXT. A MULTI LEVEL PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT
Mini drives into the garage.
MINI (V.O.)
Then one Thursday night I get a a
last minute gig at a fuck pad in
Westwood that some executive keeps
so "wifey" doesn't find the motel
bills on the gold card statements.
They say I'm just his type...young.
INT. THE LOBBY OF A MODERN APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Mini walks quickly through the lobby.
MINI (V.O.)
They tell me he's not big on the
chit-chat and he loves paying extra
for the stuff we charge extra for.
INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini knocks on the door.
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
It's open.
INT. THE APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
The executive "convenience" apartment is cold, sterile and
clearly just used for short amounts of time. Mini opens the
door, passing the closet, the bathroom door and then stops
suddenly as she sees...
MARTIN, her stepfather, sitting up in bed.
She quickly turns away before he sees her face.
MARTIN
Hello?
MINI (V.O.)
Can you fucking believe it?
Mini goes back towards the front door, panicking. She
absently hangs her jacket up in the closet, to buy some time.
MINI
Uh...hi,
(quickly adopting a
southern accent)
Sorry, I'm Mlate.
ARTIN
Don't worry about it.
MINI
Mind if I freshen up?
MARTIN
Sure.
Mini ducks into the bathroom.
INT. THE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mini shuts the door, turns on the light and looks at herself
in the mirror. She's almost white from the shock. She looks
down at the counter.
MINI (V.O.)
My own dad! My first thought was
"how sick is he?" But then I
started thinking...I'm one to talk,
and...well...
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:
Mini's expression softens as she examines herself closer.
MINI (V.O.)
Why not? I mean, he isn't my real
dad...and talk about a first. The
more I thought about it...
A wicked glint dances across her eyes.
MINI (V.O.)
...the more turned on I got. Then I
thought that if my mother could do
some strange guy in my bed, I could
do her strange guy in this bed.
MARTIN (O.S.)
Everything alright in there?
MINI
(still in her southern
accent)
Just peachy. Listen, Sugar, would
you mind turning the lights off,
I'm kinda new to all this and a
little shy.
MARTIN (O.S.)
No, that's fine, but can we get
this show on the road?
MINI
Sure can, in two shakes of a lamb's
tail.
INT. THE BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Martin turns the light off next to the bed. A little bit of
light from the street sneaks in around the edges of the
blinds. After a second, the door opens and Mini comes out in
a bra and panties.
Mini crosses the room slowly and sits on the edge of the bed,
letting her hair fall over her face. Martin tries to pull her
hair away from her eyes, but she turns away, playfully
shaking her head "no".
She reaches down and touches him through the sheet. He looks
up at her, clearly excited, but she keeps her gaze down. He
reaches over to the nightstand and picks up his wallet.
M
INI
What did you have in mind tonight?
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
The deluxe.
MINI
Oh, so you want complete access?
MARTIN
(voice quivering)
Y...yes.
MINI
You do know that's extra?
He nods.
MINI
Just so we're clear...Now, close
your eyes.
Martin furrows his brow, disappointed.
MINI
Come on.
He obeys.
MINI
Now just keep them shut for a
while.
Mini pulls the sheet back, revealing his body to her. She
starts kissing his chest, inhaling deeply. She looks up at
his expectant face, intoxicated with her power. Her mouth
starts to move down his chest. Martin lets out a small,
almost self-conscious gasp.
FADE OUT:
INT. THE ROOM - LATER.
It is still dark as Martin and Mini lie under the sheets,
post coitus in the "spoons" position. Martin has a dreamy,
satisfied look on his face. Mini smiles to herself.
MINI (V.O.)
I can't believe I pulled that off.
Keeping my face hidden actually
wasn't that hard, and he pretty
much let me do whatever I wanted.
25.
INT. THE BATHROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini is getting dressed.
MINI (V.O.)
And you know what?...He was damn
good. I don't why Mom is throwing
the cat all over town, when she can
have this every night.
INT. THE BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
The room still dark, Mini emerges from the bathroom, dressed.
MARTIN
I...
(searching)
that was...you were really good.
MINI
(southern accent)
Thanks, Sugar.
MARTIN
I'd like to see you again,
but...uh...I never got your name?
Even in the dark, he looks a little embarrassed. Mini smiles.
MINI
Ginger.
MARTIN
Ginger, I won't forget.
INT/EXT. UPPER LEVEL OF THE BUILDING'S PARKING GARAGE-
LATER.
Mini walks to her car, giddy with excitement.
M
MINI (V.O.)
I literally couldn't feel the
ground under my feet. A first to
top all firsts. I knew I'd tell him
one day, but I wanted to savor it
for a while.
She reaches her car and looks for her keys in her purse. Her
eyebrows furrow as she has trouble finding them. Suddenly,
she realizes they aren't there. She freezes.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN (O.S.)
Ginger! You forgot your...
Startled, her head whips around to see Martin walking towards
her, carrying her jacket. He stops, the realization setting
in.
MARTIN
...Jacket.
Seconds go by as Mini allows a pathologically triumphant
smile to spread across her mouth.
MINI (V.O.)
Here's to immediate gratification.
Martin starts to look nauseous, as Mini walks slowly over and
gives him a deep, wet kiss right on the mouth.
MINI
(whispering)
You were great.
Martin just stares straight ahead, numb. After another moment
he walks to the railing of the garage, staring down at the
street below.
MARTIN'S POV: A few cars rush by on the street below. It
appears to be about a three or four story drop.
He looks back at Mini. He starts to lift a leg over the
railing.
MINI
Uh, that fall probably won't kill
you, and considering what a caring
nurturer your wife is, I don't
think that's a risk you can afford
to take.
Martin looks down at the street for another moment.
MINI (V.O.)
God, what a drama queen. Don't let
this little act fool you. He'd
never let mom get all his money.
He glances back at her, looking tortured.
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI (V.O.)
This is just his twisted public
relations brain working overtime to
figure what the appropriate
response should be to fucking your
stepdaughter...ah ha! Contemplate
suicide!
M
artin backs away from the railing.
MINI (V.O.)
Now that's thinking outside the
box.
INT. AN ALL NIGHT COFFEE SHOP - LATER.
Martin and Mini sit at a booth. Martin stirs his coffee
looking shell shocked. Mini devours a plate of Belgian
waffles covered with whipped cream.
MINI (V.O.)
We spent the next few hours just
sitting there. I don't think we
said three words. I think he was
trying to find a way to justify the
whole thing, but it was actually
one of the sweetest nights I ever
spent with a guy.
EXT. VENTURA BLVD- JUST BEFORE DAWN.
Mini drives home with the top down.
MINI (V.O.)
He told me it was a monumental
mistake and that we should both
never mention it again. I told him
that was fine.
INT. THEIR KITCHEN - MORNING
Mini sits at the table eating cereal. Martin enters, looking
a little guilty as they exchange an awkward glance.
MINI (V.O.)
Suddenly, he started coming home
every night and even started really
asking me about my homework.
MARTIN
Morning, Kiddo, you finish those
math problems?
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
Kiddo?
Mini looks up at him, raising her eyebrows.
MARTIN
I'd be happy to help you with it,
if you need.
MINI
Actually, I'm thinking about
starting a 401K plan at work, could
you help me pick a good mutual
fund?
Martin looks down uncomfortably.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Martin watches television next to Diane, who's passed out
with an empty bottle of vodka sitting on the coffee table. A
BOTTLE OF PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION is open as well. Martin
looks over at Diane, pokes her to make sure she's truly
blitzed, checks his watch and stands up.
I
NT. MINI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mini lies in bed under the covers, reading. The door to her
room opens. She looks at the clock. It reads: 12:15am. Martin
enters.
MINI (V.O.)
It took exactly one week.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The lights are off, and the two of them are going at it under
the covers.
MINI (V.O.)
In the beginning, I was concerned
this would violate my rule as he
technically was a repeat customer,
but then I realized this was my
first affair, and with my
stepfather no less. To be perfectly
honest...I loved it. Talk about
electric, knowing at any moment she
could walk in was better than any
drug. It reminded me of when I was
young and brought guys home after
school.
29.
INT. MINI'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
Mini and Martin are locked in an embrace behind a steamed-
over glass shower door.
MINI (V.O.)
At first, we were very discreet,
only doing it when Joan Crawford
wasn't home or was completely
comatose.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mini and Martin post coital, catching their breath, as they
both stare at the ceiling. Martin looks over at her and they
share a conspiratorial smile.
MINI (V.O.)
Then we got bolder, doing it before
she would pass out. I think we were
seeing exactly how far we could
push the envelope.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Mini and Martin poke their heads out from the hallway that
leads to Mini's bedroom. Diane is watching TV with a martini
glass in her hand.
MINI (V.O.)
One night we did it before
"Entertainment Tonight" ended.
DISSOLVE TO:
Them under the covers, but this time the lights in her room
are on. M
MINI (V.O.)
We even almost got caught.
DIANE (O.S.)
Mini?
Mini and Martin stop at the sound of her voice, they look at
each other, realizing Diane's right outside.
MINI
(startled)
Yeah?
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
Suddenly, the door flies open, as Martin ducks under the
covers. Diane stands there with a drink in her hand and what
appears to be cocaine residue under her nostrils. She appears
truly wired and incoherent, it's unclear whether she's even
noticed someone else in the bed.
MINI
God, I've told you a thousand times
to knock.
DIANE
Have you seen Martin? I think he
was in his study a half hour ago.
MINI
Uh...can't say that I have.
DIANE
Well, I assume he's gone out, so
I've invited Ricardo over for
a...cocktail. You know how children
make him uneasy, so I'd appreciate
if you and...
(pointing to Martin under
the sheet)
...your friend could either stay in
here or use the back door when he
arrives.
For a moment, Mini can't believe her mother appears to have
no problem with there being a man in her bed.
MINI
Oh...sure, no problem.
Diane shuts the door.
MINI
Okay, she's gone.
Martin pokes his head out of the covers. The two of them
share a smile, not believing their luck. They start to laugh
and then after a moment she kisses him deeply and they resume
where they left off.
MINI (V.O.)
Looking back, that may have been
the moment we fell in love.
31.
INT. A WOMEN'S CLOTHING STORE IN A SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Mini tries on a cocktail dress, as Martin looks on, giving
his approval.
MINI (V.O.)
We became inseparable.
EXT. THE TANNEN'S POOL - DAY
Mini sits at the pool side table, as Martin helps her with
her homework. M
MINI (V.O.)
Mom thought it was cute how we had
suddenly grown so close, and
thought it was wonderful how Martin
had taken an interest in my
education.
From inside the house, Diane is seen lighting a cigarette,
looking out at them and smiling.
CLOSE ON HER HOMEWORK: Mini has drawn a dirty cartoon which
indicates how well endowed he is. She jots down an arrow next
to the words "actual size".
Martin blushes, averting his eyes.
EXT. THE OUTDOOR PATIO AT IL CIELO RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The two of them sit at a romantic table in the candlelight,
as A WAITER refreshes their wine.
MINI (V.O.)
Now that we were spending time
together, I actually started to
find out what Martin was like for
the first time.
Martin tells her something and they both crack up.
MINI (V.O.)
He wasn't the drip I thought he
was.
EXT. VENICE BEACH - SUNSET
The two walk hand in hand, stopping to watch the drum rhythm
circle filled with LOCAL PERCUSSIONISTS and ON LOOKERS moving
to the throbbing beat.
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
He was funny, charming, sweet and
even a little shy.
Mini jumps into the circle, dancing along with the other
revelers. Martin is content to watch, until she runs to the
edge of the circle and pulls him in. Reluctantly, he begins
to move with her and slowly start to enjoy himself.
EXT. OCEAN AVENUE- SANTA MONICA- EARLY EVENING.
Mini and Martin walk close together, but not the way couples
do.
MINI (V.O.)
Being seen in public was no sweat,
as long as we didn't act like a
couple.
EXT. MULHOLLAND DRIVE - NIGHT
Martin's Mercedes snakes through an "s" curve, as the lights
M
of the city twinkle in the background.
MINI (V.O.)
This went on for two months, before
we had the talk we both knew was
coming.
The car pulls off the road at one of the tourist overlook
areas with a view of the city.
INT. THE MERCEDES - CONTINUOUS
Martin pulls up the parking break and turns to her.
MARTIN
So...
MINI
So.
MARTIN
I don't want to have to sneak
around in my own house.
MINI
Well, I don't think telling her is
such a hot idea.
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
I mean, I don't want to live under
the same roof with her.
CLOSE ON:
A FEW RAIN DROPS HITTING THE ROOF OF THE CAR.
MINI
You can't leave, she'll get half.
Martin exhales, knowing she's right.
MINI
Can I ask how the hell you married
her without a pre-nup? Her?
MARTIN
(sighing)
She wasn't as bad an actress as you
think.
MINI
Well, there is another option.
THE RAIN PICKS UP, PLINK, PLUNKING ON THE ROOF.
MARTIN
There is?
Her eyes harden as she looks out at the city.
MINI
But it will take some planning...
and some resolve.
Martin's eyes suddenly widen.
MARTIN
Wait, you don't mean-
MINI
Kill her?
She lets the word linger, as the rain beats down steadily.
MINI
No, of course not, she is my
mother.
MARTIN
Good...
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
MINI
But I've been thinking, if she
suddenly got ill-
MARTIN
Ill?
MINI
Unstable, unpredictable,
irrational...dangerous to the
safety of her husband...her
child...She would have to be sent
someplace where they could give her
the care she needs.
Martin searches her eyes, almost unsure he's heard her right.
Her gaze is unwavering and after a few seconds he realizes
she's serious. He can't help but let the hint of a grin cross
his lips. M
ARTIN
It would be for her own good.
MINI
The only truly caring action we
could take.
MARTIN
As painful as it would be for me to
be without my loving wife.
MINI
You did it for the well being of
your daughter. The selfless act of
a devoted parent.
The sexual tension arises between them, as he starts moving
closer to her lips.
MARTIN
Of course, we'll have to make sure
her episodes are well documented.
She responds in kind, tilting her head.
MINI
And corroborated by friends and
people outside the family.
MARTIN
A public complaint by a neighbor
wouldn't hurt.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI
No, that would be useful.
Their lips are now almost touching.
MARTIN
And we'll find her a very
comfortable place out in the
country.
MINI
With lots of fresh air.
MARTIN
It will be a much better life for
her.
MINI
Much.
Unable to stand it, their lips meet and they start to
hungrily tear at each other's clothes.
EXT. THE CAR - CONTINUOUS
The car rocks gently back and forth in the rain, as another
car whizzes by, spray flying up behind it as it disappears
around a curve.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Mini wakes up with a look of pure joy, ready to face the
world.
MINI (V.O.)
I awoke the next morning, as
excited as I could remember. Unlike
most firsts which are over too
quickly, this would take
determination...
EXT. THEIR BACKYARD- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini swims on her back in the pool, a lit cigarette dangling
between her lips.
MINI (V.O.)
Stamina...
INT. THEIR KITCHEN - MORNING
Mini and Martin sit together, eating breakfast.
(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
And imagination.
Diane storms through the living room in the background,
passing out of sight, behind the door frame.
M
MINI (V.O.)
I decided to start simply.
DIANE
Goddamn it! Goddamn it! Goddamn it!
MINI (V.O.)
Part one, violent mood swings-
slash-uncontrollable rages.
Cushions from the living room couch fly past the door frame.
DIANE
Fucking shit! Where are they?
Mini stirs her coffee innocently. Diane again can be seen
through the door, this time throwing magazines and papers off
the coffee table.
DIANE
I'm gonna be late! It took me three
weeks to get an appointment with
Anton...
MINI (V.O.)
Anton Michelle, masseuse to the
stars and reported possessor of one
of the biggest schlongs in town.
Rumor has it, he's pouring the pork
to every rich wife between Malibu
and Pasadena. He must be incredible
if Mary Magdalene dragged her ass
out of bed this early.
DIANE
...and now I'm gonna miss it
because I can't find my fucking car
keys?!
Martin and Mini exchange a smirk. She turns towards them,
eyes ablaze.
DIANE
I could use a little help in here!
Martin looks up from his morning paper as cheerful as can be.
(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED: (2)
MARTIN
Coming, honey.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mini and Martin walk in to see Diane on all fours, looking
under one of the sofas. Her panties are blatantly visible
from under her mini-skirt. Mini and Martin exchange a smirk.
MARTIN
Diane, sugar, do you remember where
you put them when you came home
last night?
DIANE
Yeah, in the fucking bowl by the
fucking door where I always
fucking put them!
MINI
Well, uh, you were kinda out of it
last night.
DIANE
No, I wasn't! I had one drink with
Marie, one!
MARTIN
Uh, are you sure? You did seem a
bit tipsy.
DIANE
Yes, I'm sure, you dickless wonder.
D
iane starts rummaging through the drawers of a desk near the
front door.
MINI
(under her breath)
Now don't you listen to her, you
are not a dickless wonder.
Martin tries not to let on how much he's enjoying this.
Completely frustrated, Diane stops looking and heads for the
"key" bowl by the door.
DIANE
Mini, I'm taking your car. Martin,
take her to school.
Diane grabs a set of keys.
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Diane, I have a meeting with
Chapman, he's our biggest client--
DIANE
(opening the door)
Tell him it's an emergency.
She slams the door behind her. Mini looks at Martin with a
sly grin then removes a cell phone from her pocket and dials
a number. As she waits for an answer, she twirls DIANE'S KEY
RING around her finger.
MINI (V.O.)
Now, here comes the really fun
part. I realized a year ago that by
lowering my voice a bit I could do
a passable job imitating...
MINI
(mimicking Diane)
Hello, Anton? It's Diane Tannen, I
know it's late notice, but I'm
going to have to cancel our
appointment. What? No, of course, I
realize I'll still have to
pay...yes, something came up.
INT. THE "OFFICE" OF ANTON MICHELLE - LATER.
ANTON MICHELLE, 30, the very muscular "it boy" masseuse is
furiously fucking JEANETTE LANG, a similarly hyper-
aerobicized wife, on his massage table.
He's bent her over the table and is taking her from behind
when, suddenly, the door flies open. They both look up to
see...DIANE with a stunned expression.
DIANE
Anton? But...Jeanette?
JEANETTE
Uh...hi, Diane?
ANTON
(french accent)
But, Mrs. Tannen, you call and
cancel zee session thirty meenutes
ago? D
IANE
What? No, I didn't!
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
ANTON
Yes, I spoke to you myself, you say
sometheeng come up.
Diane looks at Jeanette, her eyes narrowing.
DIANE
Jeanette, you knew I had an
appointment today, did you pretend-
JEANETTE
(flustered)
No, I, I ...Anton called me and
told me he had a cancellation.
ANTON
Yes, I call her after you call me.
Jeanette nervously tries to wrap the massage towel around
herself.
DIANE
Why, you sneaky little bitch!
Suddenly, Diane LUNGES for Jeanette, grabbing her by the hair
and pulling her off the table. Jeannette shrieks as Anton
struggles to pull up his pants and pry them apart.
INT. THE TANNEN'S DINING ROOM - EVENING
Diane sits at the table with her arm in a sling. Martin cuts
her meat for her, as Mini pours her some red wine.
MINI (V.O.)
Needless to say, word of the
L'incidént de Anton spread quickly
through the community.
MINI
Do you think she'll press charges?
DIANE
Are you kidding? She should get
twenty to life! When I told Margo
and Penny about her little stunt,
they both said they'd have ripped
her eyes out. She'll be lucky if
anyone speaks to her again.
Martin holds up a forkful of food.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Here comes the choo-choo.
Diane grabs the fork with her good hand.
DIANE
For god's sake, I didn't break both
hands.
MINI
Jeez, I still can't believe you
broke your hand on her face? It's
so Linda Hamilton.
DIANE
(slugging some wine)
I hope she enjoys shitting out the
teeth she swallowed.
INT. THE ROSA ANGELICA FLOWER SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON: The store's owner, CARLOS, 50, picking up the
RINGING PHONE.
CARLOS
R
osa Angelica, this is Carlos.
MINI IMPERSONATING DIANE (O.S.)
Hello, Carlos, it's Diane Tannen calling.
CARLOS
Ah, sí, Senora Tannen, como esta?
MINI IMPERSONATING DIANE (O.S.)
(annoyed)
Uh, Carlos...english, comprende?
CARLOS
(taken aback)
Okay.
MINI IMPERSONATING DIANE (O.S.)
I'm going to need a delivery to the
house.
EXT. THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - DAY
A "MOONWALK" INFLATABLE CARNIVAL RIDE is being inflated on
the front lawn by a WORKER, as TWO JUGGLERS warm up next to
it, tossing clubs between them.
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
Phase two: wild shopping sprees
carried out in a euphoric state.
FIVE DELIVERY VANS from Rosa Angelica are parked outside as
FIVE DELIVERY BOYS unload their cargo. It appears that they
have brought the entire inventory of Rosa Angelica. DOZENS OF
BOUQUETS and ARRANGEMENTS line the driveway. Mini stands
outside next to Carlos, sucking on a lollipop.
MINI
Gosh, look at all the pretty
flowers.
CARLOS
Your mother said you are having a
big party!
MINI
(innocently)
I know, can you believe all this?
Just then, Diane's Jaguar pulls into the driveway. She looks
at the trucks, her expression souring. She stops the car and
flies out.
DIANE
Carlos, what the hell is going on?
CARLOS
Senora Tannen, the delivery you
ordered yesterday for the party?
DIANE
Ordered, I didn't order anything?!
Who told you to bring these here?
CARLOS
(flustered)
But, but, Senora, you did, you
called me, I talked to you.
DIANE
No, you didn't!
CARLOS
Sí, you said you were having a
party, don't you remember?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED: (2) CARLOS(CONT'D)
You were very excited, saying you
were going to have the most
wonderful party and invite everyone
you knew and it had to be just
perfect. Perfect, that's what you
said. M
INI
Mom, is that what you were talking
about yesterday?
DIANE
What?!
MINI
Well, it was after lunch and you
had washed your pain killers down
with some wine. You mumbled
something about a party before you
took a nap.
DIANE
No, I did not!
MINI
(wincing)
Mom, you did. The doctor said no
more mixing pain killers and
alcohol.
DIANE
But, but...I only slept for--
MINI
(to Carlos)
I am so sorry. Listen, we'll pay,
don't worry.
Mini leads Carlos back to his vans, just Martin's Mercedes
pulls up. Diane turns around to see his car and a look of
dread strikes her.
DIANE
Oh, god.
MINI (V.O.)
Right on cue. Let's see how
convincing he is.
Martin gets out of the car, surveying the damage. A look of
pure indignant outrage overcomes him and it's impossible to
tell this is an act.
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED: (3)
MARTIN
What is going on?! Carlos, what the
fuck are all these flowers doing
here?!
MINI (V.O.)
Oooh, now I see why he makes the
big bucks.
CARLOS
Señor Tannen, we--
DIANE
Uh, Martin, I, I...
MARTIN
Diane, did you order all this?!
MINI
Mom, go inside, just go, I'll
handle him.
(trying to calm him)
It's under control, Dad. Please,
let's not make a scene.
MONTAGE:
-Mini opens the front door to find A DELIVERY VAN from
WATERFORD CRYSTAL pull up.
MINI (V.O.)
Over the next few days, whenever
Mom had passed out from too much
drinky-drinky...
-The door opens again as A FURRIER holding a full length mink
coat stands before her with a big smile on his face.
MINI (V.O.)
I'd pull out her wallet...
-A SALESMAN dangling the keys to a FORD MUSTANG CONVERTIBLE
which is parked behind him in the driveway.
M
MINI (V.O.)
...and reach out and touch someone.
-A FLATBED TRUCK hauling a 30 FOOT SAILBOAT behind it pulls
up in front of the house.
(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED: (4)
MINI (V.O.)
It's really remarkable what you can
order with a Platinum card these
days.
INT. THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A strung out Diane sits on the couch, smoking and nursing a
Vodka tonic. THE DOORBELL rings and Diane reacts like a dog
in a thunderstorm, a jolt of fear coursing through her body.
MINI (V.O.)
Talk about easy. After a week of my
version of the home shopping
network, the doorbell might as well
have been a canon.
Diane gets up and walks unsteadily towards the front door.
INT. A CLASS ROOM AT MINI'S HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Mini and Kayla sit in a history class, looking dreamily at
their teacher, WARREN BISHOP, 25, an earnest young preppy in
the middle of a lecture.
MINI (V.O.)
At this point, dear old mummy was
so spooked, I was actually afraid
she might stop drinking. So I
needed a back up plan, to keep
her...off-balance.
BISHOP
As we see from a closer examination
of the facts, Abraham Lincoln's
decision to...
Bishop's voice fades out as he continues to speak.
MINI (V.O.)
Now, here's someone I'd like to
make sit, roll over and then toss
me his snausage. But today...
priorities are priorities.
Mini raises her hand.
MINI
Mr. Bishop, can I go to the little
girls room?
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:
BISHOP
Of course, Mini.
INT. THE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Mini walks down the empty corridor.
INT. THE GIRL'S BATHROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
The SCHOOL NURSE, HELGA HAUPTFÜHRER, 55 and very Aryan,
enters the empty bathroom and walks into a stall.
MINI (V.O.)
The school nurse, a regimented
Kraut lush named Helga Hauptführer,
or "der Führer" as she was
affectionately known, starts
jonesing for her afternoon nip...
I
NT. THE STALL - CONTINUOUS
Hauptführer sits down and takes a bottle of vodka out of her
nurses coat.
MINI (V.O.)
...exactly 45 minutes after lunch
each day.
She takes a long slug.
INT. THE NURSE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Mini quickly picks the flimsy lock on the medicine cabinet
with a paper clip. She quickly looks through the bottles.
MINI (V.O.)
Which leaves me free to help myself
to the candy store.
Mini finds what she needs and holds it up to read the label.
CLOSE ON: THE LABEL indicating "RITALIN" and the dosage.
Mini quickly closes the cabinet, walks out and stuffs the
bottle in her pocket, just before Hauptführer enters.
(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
Thank god for the quack who
invented ADD and the lazy parents
willing to let "Der Führer" keep
their kids comfortably numb on what
basically amounts to legalized
speed.
INT. THE TANNEN'S KITCHEN - EVENING
Mini stands at the counter, making her mom A MARGARITA. She's
cutting up all kinds of tropical fruits and putting them into
a blender.
MINI (V.O.)
My fears of mom giving up the sauce
were unfounded. Actually, she
started drinking more.
She then takes a few tablets of Ritalin and grinds them up
with their coffee grinder. She pours that into the blender
and puts the lid on.
MINI (V.O.)
Which gave me the perfect
opportunity to prescribe her a
little pick-me-up.
She turns on the blender.
INT. DIANE'S DRESSING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Diane's getting dressed for a party, trying to gracefully
camouflage her cast with jewelry.
DIANE
(annoyed)
Mini! I asked you for that drink
ten minutes ago!
Mini walks in, carrying the margarita.
D
IANE
Put it on the counter.
MINI
You're welcome.
Diane takes a pain killer and washes it down with the
margarita.
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
Mmm...this is really good. What's
in it, Sweetie?
MINI (V.O.)
The first time in my life she calls
me "sweetie" and I've just slipped
her the mother of all Mickeys.
MINI
Oh, this and that.
INT. A POSH PARTY IN THE HILLS - NIGHT
The party is chock full of TROPHY WIVES and their decidedly
less attractive HUSBANDS. Diane is in a full blown booze and
Ritalin induced monologue, having cornered TWO WOMEN.
DIANE
My god, let me tell you, breaking
my hand on that bitch's face...
The two women recoil.
DIANE
...was the best thing that ever
happened to me.
MINI (V.O.)
Phase three: rambling incoherent
monologues in public.
DIANE
I feel fantastic, just fabulous. I
mean, I feel like I could run a
marathon like that Bruce Jenner
guy. He did that, right? Boy, I'll
tell you before he had that face
lift that made him look like a drag
queen, I would've let him stick his
javelin in me any day.
Suddenly, her ears unconsciously pick up the strands of a
conversation going on behind them between TWO HUSBANDS.
HUSBAND #1
So I looked each and every juror in
the eye-
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
(spinning around)
I want to talk to you about juries,
will you come and talk to me about
juries?
HUSBAND #1
Uh...
DIANE
I'd like to be on a jury and say
"guilty!" or "sidebar!" What do
you think goes on in all the
sequestered situations? Do you
think any of the jurors have sex
with each other? I was once on an
episode of Love Boat, playing the
role of "Bikini Girl" and my line
was "I'll have another," it was
with "Isaac" at the pool bar. I had
to suck one of the associate
producers off to get the line, but
it got me my SAG card, so I guess
it was worth it.
T
he men shoot each other an uncomfortable glance.
HUSBAND #2
Uh, I think I could use a refill.
HUSBAND #1
Me too,
(to Diane)
please, excuse us.
They head towards the bar and Diane follows. The two women
she turned away from shake their heads at the spectacle.
DIANE
But, but we were talking about
juries and Isaac and, and that drag
queen I broke my face on and..
The two men try to ignore her, but she keeps following them.
She finally realizes they aren't stopping. She grabs the
first man by the shoulder, pissed.
DIANE
Hey! COCKBREATH!
(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED: (2)
The party stops. Everyone is staring at Diane as the music
continues to play. She looks around the room at the
disapproving eyes, panic setting in.
EXT. THE HOUSE OF THE PARTY - LATER.
Diane is led away by Martin and Mini, as other partygoers
watch the sad scene. They both struggle to keep Diane from
stumbling.
DIANE
(slurring)
...And then I told him that I had
been an extra on Hello Larry and
Mike Farrell had tried to--
MINI
MacLean Stevenson.
DIANE
What?
MINI
MacLean Stevenson played "Larry."
DIANE
Right, that's what I said...and
then MacKenzie Phillips tried to
slip me the tongue!
INT. THE MASTER BEDROOM - LATER.
Diane lies passed out on the bed as Mini and Martin watch her
sleep.
MARTIN
Listen, great job, but you need to
give me more warning. I was at
dinner with Chapman, and it's the
second time I've had to re-
schedule.
MINI
I'm sorry, but it was a golden
opportunity. You always said you
can't pay enough for good
publicity.
INT. A HARDWARE STORE - DAY
Mini and Martin peruse the aisles.
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
At this point, with all those
witnesses, Martin thought we could
get a shrink to have her sent away.
T
hey stop in front of a wall of tools: hand axes, hammers and
saws. Mini selects a large hand axe.
MINI (V.O.)
My feeling was that until they were
ready to weld the door to her
padded cell shut...
CUT TO:
Mini picking out two black ski masks, two pairs of black
goggles and two black sweatsuits.
MINI (V.O.)
...there was more work to be done.
INT. THE SHERMAN OAKS GALLERIA - DAY
Diane walks through the mall aimlessly. She wears a wrinkled,
mis-buttoned pink blouse. Her eyes are hollow, her cheeks
sunken. A few SHOPPERS throw her a concerned glance as they
pass.
MINI (V.O.)
Final phase: Complete psychotic
breakdown.
MINI, disguised in a hat and sunglasses, leans on the railing
from the next level up, watching her mother.
INT. THE FOOD COURT OF THE MALL - CONTINUOUS
Mini slides into a table next to TWO SKATEPUNKS.
MINI
Hey, boys.
The two guys exchange a glance. Cute girls like Mini clearly
don't "hey, boys" them.
MINI
Wanna have a little fun?
INT. THE DISPLAY WINDOW OF A STORE - CONTINUOUS
Diane looks at some clothes. RING! Her cell phone goes off
and she answers it.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
Hello?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
(breathy, threatening)
Diane?
DIANE
Yes?
The breathing increases, getting deeper and more menacing.
DIANE
Hello?...What do you want?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
I can see you? Can you see me?
DIANE
(alarmed)
Who is this?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Do you feel safe?
DIANE
(looking around)
Who is this?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
You didn't answer the question.
Mini and the two skatepunks giggle with glee at the terror
they're inflicting.
She looks around, scanning THE MALL. Nothing seems out of the
ordinary. D
IANE
This isn't funny. I'm hanging up.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
I wouldn't do that.
DIANE
If this is some kind of joke...
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
I assure you, I'm no joke. May I
say that pink blouse is very
fetching.
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED: (2)
Panicked, she heads for an exit. A FEW SHOPPERS look at her
with concern.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Diane, your car is the other way.
(menacing)
Now answer my question. Do you feel
safe?
A whimper escapes from her throat as she looks around.
DIANE
I'm hanging up.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
(very calm)
Hang up and you're dead.
DIANE
(falling apart)
Why are you doing this?
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Can you see me?
She scans the crowd frantically, then starts walking towards
a VICTORIA'S SECRET STORE for help.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Pick me out something sexy.
DIANE
Leave me alone!
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
(very calm)
But I'm so close to you...
She stops, frozen in fear. Just then, the second SKATEPUNK
comes up behind her, brushing into her. She jerks away from
him.
DIANE
(screeching)
Get away!!!
EVERY SHOPPER within ear shot turns around, including TWO
SECURITY GUARDS.
SKATEPUNK #2
Take it easy, lady, what the hell's
your problem?
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED: (3)
The skatepunk walks away.
MINI and THE FIRST SKATEPUNK watch with amusement from an
upper level as A SECURITY GUARD moves towards her.
MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Peek a boo...I'm coming for
you...but that guard can't help
you. Maybe you should make a run
for that Gold Jag you drive home to
Mira Loma Lane.
DIANE
(whimpering)
How do you know where I live?
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
I know everything about you.
DIANE
No!
DIFFERENT MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Maam?
Diane spins around to find TWO SECURITY GUARDS standing
behind her.
S
ECURITY GUARD #1
I'm going to have to ask you to leave the mall. We'll walk
you to your car.
DIANE
No! I can't leave, he knows where I
live!
SECURITY GUARD #1
Maam, you're going to have to leave.
DIANE
Did you hear me?! He knows where I
live!
SECURITY GUARD #1
Who knows?
She hands him the phone.
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
Him!
The security guard puts the phone to his ear. The BEEPING
sound of a hang up is heard. He nods to his partner, as he
removes a walkie talkie.
SECURITY GUARD #1
(into walkie talkie)
Yeah, this is Franklin, we've got a
code 7, get an EMS unit over here.
The two guards grab her. She drops the phone and starts
scratching at one guard's face. The other pepper sprays her,
as she falls down, howling.
DIANE
What are you doing?!
SECURITY GUARD #1
Sorry, Maam, this is for your own
protection.
RING! The phone is like a jolt of electricity through her
body. Diane kicks and punches at the guards.
DIANE
It's him! Answer it! Answer it! He
said he was gonna kill me!
The guards finally tackle her, getting handcuffs on.
DIANE
He, he knows where I live!
THE OTHER SHOPPERS watch for a moment and lose interest,
writing her off as just another LA kook.
MINI watches from the upper level, quite satisfied.
INT. MARTIN AND DIANE'S BEDROOM - LATER.
Diane lies in bed, half awake, watching TV. A scotch and soda
rests in her hand.
MINI (V.O.)
After her performance at the mall,
I'm sure she would have qualified
as "committable". But that wasn't
enough, I wanted her to beg the
boys in the white coats to take her
away.
(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED:
Mini pokes her head in the door of the room.
M
INI
Mom, we're going to get some
dinner. Do you want us to bring you
back something?
DIANE
You're leaving? Both of you?
MINI (O.S.)
For the last three days she hasn't
left the house.
DIANE
Why don't we just order in?
MINI
Mom, we can't stay in here forever.
Do you want to come with us?
Diane considers the question by looking at her face in the
bed side mirror. It's still puffy and blotchy from the pepper
spray.
MINI
Mom?
She looks up at Mini.
MINI (V.O.)
Ah...vanity, the most predictable
of sins.
DIANE
I...can't. You two go.
MINI
Okay.
EXT. THE BACKYARD - LATER.
It is dark and quiet, as the evening dew rises on the lawn.
INT. MARTIN AND DIANE'S BEDROOM - LATER.
Diane is almost asleep when the phone next to the bed RINGS,
waking her up. She stares at it for a moment, trying to
decide if she should answer it. On the forth ring, she
answers.
(CONTINUED)
56.
CONTINUED:
DIANE
Hello?
A DIAL TONE rings in her ear. She hangs up the phone. A
second later it RINGS again. She waits two rings and then
answers. Again a DIAL TONE.
Now a bit freaked, Diane is fully awake and staring at the
phone, waiting... PLINK! Something small hits the window
across the room. Startled, she turns her head towards it.
DIANE'S POV: Through the window, in the distance by the
hedges a BLACK CLAD FIGURE is visible, wearing a ski mask and
goggles. In the figure's right hand there is a gleaming,
sharp kitchen knife.
She can't believe her eyes.
HER POV: The figure stands silently, bringing the knife up,
indicating that he's going to cut her throat.
Eyes wild with panic, Diane picks up the phone and dials 911.
D
The phone dials and she waits.
IANE
Please, please, oh god.
She looks back out the window: THE HOODED FIGURE walks out of
the bushes and heads towards the house.
RECORDED VOICE (V.O.)
You have reached 911, if this is an
emergency, please remain on the
line...
DIANE
Oh god, oh god!
Diane realizes she doesn't have time to wait and runs out of
the room, leaving the phone off the hook.
INT. THE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Diane stumbles down the hallway, almost tripping on the steps
down to the living room. She goes straight for the phone on
the end table next to the couch. She picks it up.
RECORDED VOICE (V.O.)
Please continue to hold, your call
will be answered...
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
She hangs up the phone and looks back at the hallway, but as
she does, she sees reflected in a wall mirror: ANOTHER BLACK
CLAD FIGURE outside the living room window, but this one
holds a HAND AXE.
She turns around to look out the window. THE FIGURE raises
the axe slowly.
DIANE
No...no...help! Help!
She heads towards the front door to scream for help, but the
axe wielding figure moves swiftly towards the door, making it
unsafe for her to even try. Her face dissolves into utter
despair, as she stumbles out of the room.
INT. THE FAMILY DEN - CONTINUOUS
Diane runs in to check that the sliding doors are locked. She
clicks the lock shut, just as THE FIRST FIGURE with the knife
appears in the door frame.
DIANE
Oh, God! Help! Someone!
Diane is transfixed by her own eyes reflected in the lenses
of the goggles.
DIANE
(softly )
No, please, no.
She slowly backs away from the door, as the figure tries to
open it. The door frame rattles on its track, as the figure
D
violently tugs at the handle.
IANE
Help! Someone please, help me!
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
She runs back in, checking THE WINDOW. It's clear. She
decides to check the front door. She runs over and looks out
the peep hole.
PEEP HOLE POV: It appears clear.
She starts to undo the lock and then slowly peeks through the
slit in the door, leaving the chain on.
THROUGH THE SLIT: everything looks good.
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED:
She opens the door and looks towards the front gate, which is
open. She looks as if she's thinking of making a dash for the
gates. Just then, from behind the gate, steps the AXE
WIELDING FIGURE.
It shakes a finger "no" at her, as it walks towards the
house. Terrified, she slams the door, locking it behind her.
She instinctively pushes her back against the door, hyper-
ventilating. She looks up at the ceiling, her eyes filling
with tears.
DIANE
Please God, please God...please!
She looks around the room, searching for options. Suddenly,
her eyes bulge as she sees THE KNIFE WIELDING FIGURE standing
not ten feet away in the door to the kitchen.
Diane screams and runs back down the hallway, towards the
bedroom. The knife wielding figure follows behind her. She
looks back, as it runs after her, grabbing her by the
shoulder. She shrieks and struggles out of it's grasp before
running in the bathroom and slamming the door.
INT. THE BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Diane throws her weight against the door, struggling to keep
the intruder out. She looks for anything to help her, and
then sees in the window to the bathroom...THE AXE WIELDING
FIGURE standing silently, staring back at her.
D
iane collapses to the floor in a pool of tears. She looks up
again at THE WINDOW: It's empty. The pushing on the door
suddenly stops, but Diane is so disturbed, she doesn't notice
through her sobs.
CLOSE ON:
A PAIR OF BLACK GLOVED HANDS puts the bedroom phone back on
its cradle.
MINI (V.O.)
Our work finished...
INT. DOCTOR HOGGLY WOGGLY'S TYLER TEXAS BARBECUE - LATER.
Mini and Martin laugh and giggle at the enormous slabs of
beef put in front of them.
MINI (V.O.)
We rewarded ourselves on a job well
done...
59.
INT. THE HALLWAY OF THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - LATER.
Mini and Martin walk down the hallway towards the master
bedroom.
MINI (V.O.)
And we returned home expecting to
find her blabbering like a three
year old.
MINI
Mom, we're home!
MARTIN
Diane, honey, we brought you a
pulled pork plate!
They reach the door to the bathroom. It's still closed.
Martin and Mini exchange a look, not believing that Diane
could still be in there.
MARTIN
Honey? You okay?...Honey?
MINI
Mom?
Martin tries the door. Diane still appears to be leaning
against it. He pushes hard on the door, opening it a few
inches. Mini reaches in and shoves Diane over so they can can
open the door. She appears drugged. They lay her flat and try
to wake her up.
MARTIN
Diane, it's us, wake up.
Mini slaps her hard across the face.
MINI
(feigning concern)
Wake up, Mommy.
MARTIN
Mini.
MINI
Killjoy.
Martin lightly taps Diane's cheeks.
MARTIN
Diane, come on, come on.
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED:
Mini looks up at the counter. AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF PRESCRIPTION
SLEEPING PILLS lies open next to the sink.
MINI
Martin...
H
e looks up and immediately sees the bottle.
MINI
I picked that prescription up three
days ago. It was probably more than
half full.
The two of them look at each other, studying each other's
reaction. Seconds go by as both wait for the other to make
the first move.
MINI
(eerily calm)
I suppose we should call an
ambulance?
The suggestion hangs in the air, as Martin feels Diane's
wrist again.
MARTIN
Her pulse is almost gone.
MINI
Do you really think they can save
her?
MARTIN
I...I don't know.
MINI
She'll only try it again. You know
she will.
MARTIN
She will if we keep this torture
up.
Martin looks down at Diane.
MARTIN
(suddenly with resolve)
This is wrong, call an ambulance.
(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI
Hold on, who are we to say her
choice was wrong? She put those
pills in her mouth.
MARTIN
Mini--
MINI
Don't "Mini" me, you've been
bankrolling my little project from
day one.
MARTIN
We both agreed murder was out.
MINI
I'd hardly call it murder, if
anything, we're just helping to
fulfill her last wish.
MARTIN
She wouldn't have taken the pills
if we hadn't-
(urgently)
Mini, for gods sake, she still has
a pulse.
MINI
So do people in comas. It's just a
matter of time-
MARTIN
Mini, we-
MINI
Look, you can drop the indignant
outrage, because if you really
cared, you'd have already grabbed
the phone and dialed 911 by now.
She's got him and he knows it.
MINI
(softening)
Can't we just admit how lucky we
are? It's the perfect alibi, she
put the drugs in her system.
MARTIN
What? Just leave her here?
(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED: (3)
MINI
Exactly.
MARTIN
I don't know.
MINI
Can you think of one person she
knows who would say she's sane at
this point? This is just the
natural, sad and inevitable
conclusion to a tragic life.
M
artin ponders the choice.
MINI
We're this close from being
free...let's just let nature take
its course.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - LATER.
Mini and Martin sit watching a game show called Absolutely
Positive.
MINI
And so we passed the time watching
my favorite show.
CLOSE ON THE TV:
A YOUNG MALE GAME SHOW HOST comes out on stage to the
applause of the audience.
HOST
Welcome to "Absolutely Positive!"
The show where we give couples
about to get married a last chance
to make sure they're...
He puts a hand to his ear, encouraging the studio audience.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Absolutely Positive!
HOST
That's right! We send them out on
one last date with someone other
than their fiance, so they can be
sure they're really ready to make
that lifelong commitment.
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
Our neighbor, Mike Rudell, the
scumbag at my birthday, produces it
and it's so twisted, I'm surprised
I didn't think of it.
On the screen, the host introduces THE COUPLE, who nervously
walk out to the studio applause.
MINI (V.O.)
Take happy couples about to marry
and try to break them up. The catch
is the couples are always sent on
dates with people just a little
better looking than their fiancés.
Then the TWO DATES are brought out to sit on either side of
the couple. Both dates are, indeed, slightly better looking
than the engaged couple.
INT. THE BATHROOM - LATER.
Mini checks Diane's pulse.
MINI (V.O.)
And we waited some more.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - LATER.
Martin sits on the couch. He looks up as Mini comes in from
the bathroom, shaking her head "no", indicating she's not
I
dead yet.
NT. THE BATHROOM - LATER.
Mini checks Diane's pulse again.
MINI (V.O.)
Typical mom, she managed to fuck up
her last act of free will...
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The 11 O'clock news is starting, as Mini impatiently looks
towards the hallway leading to the bathroom.
MINI (V.O.)
Finally, it was time to do the only
humane thing.
Mini stands up.
(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Come on, let's go.
MARTIN
What?
MINI
It's time to speed this up.
MARTIN
Speed this up?
MINI
We can't wait anymore, our alibi is
only believable for maybe another
hour. We can say that after dinner
we went to a movie, but if she
hasn't croaked by midnight, you can
forget about this.
Martin looks at her for a long moment, clearly realizing the
implications of "speed this up".
MARTIN
No, I'm sorry, this is going
somewhere I'm not prepared to go.
MINI
Oh, but you were prepared to sit
here until the pills did her in? I
hate to break it to you, but
wherever you "weren't prepared to
go"...the hypocrite express just
rolled into the station.
Martin stares straight ahead, coming to grips with the truth
of his actions.
MARTIN
What are you suggesting?
MINI
Well, I thought we'd disembowel her
and leave her for the raccoons.
Martin recoils.
MINI
Kidding...God, you've lost your
sense of humor. Don't worry, it'll
be painless.
(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED: (2)
Martin takes a deep breath, considering his options.
INT. DIANE'S WALK IN CLOSET- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini goes through her mother's clothes, as Diane lies
crumpled in a heap on the floor. Martin looks on impatiently.
MINI (V.O.)
To be honest, I think we both knew
in our hearts it would come to
this. And as my first assisted
suicide, I was going to make it
flawless. M
ARTIN
Come on, we don't have time.
MINI
Look, if we're going to screw up
the details we might as well call
San Quentin and tell them to fire
up the dutch oven.
(off his confusion)
The gas chamber?
(exasperated)
Martin, please, I can't explain
everything.
Mini holds a chic black Chanel suit up to the full length
mirror.
CUT TO:
Mini applying make-up and lipstick to Diane's face in front
of her vanity mirror. Martin holds Diane's head still.
MARTIN
I don't think this is a good idea.
MINI
Have you lost your mind, "Mr.
Public Relations"? What's the one
thing all her friends are going to
be talking about when they find
out?
(waits for his answer)
"How did she look"? Do you think
anyone will think twice if the
answer is "fabulous"?
66.
INT. THE GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
The door to the dark garage opens and Mini turns on a light.
Martin, carrying Diane (now dressed in the suit) over his
shoulder, struggles through the doorway.
INT. DIANE'S JAGUAR- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini props Diane up in the driver's seat and begins touching
up the make-up. She ties a silk scarf around Diane's neck,
ever so elegantly. Satisfied, she turns the ignition key and
lowers all the power windows in the car. She looks up at
Martin.
MINI
Well, if you've got anything to say
to her, now would be the time.
MARTIN
Could you just pretend to have a
little remorse?
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mini and Martin walk through the door to the garage and close
it behind them. The hum of the car engine can he heard
through the wall.
INT. THE GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Diane sits in the driver's seat, as THE EXHAUST PIPE spews
E
fumes into the sealed garage.
XT. THE HOUSE - LATER.
The garage door is open and Diane's body is visible on the
garage floor as Martin and Mini kneel beside her. The wail of
an ambulance siren is heard as it pulls up in front, cutting
the engine. Mini comes running outside in tears.
MINI
Help us, please! My mom, I think
she's dead!
INT. THE GARAGE- MOMENTS LATER.
TWO PARAMEDICS try to revive Diane, having laid her out on
the floor of the garage. Mini sobs hysterically, as Martin
hugs her.
MINI
Mommy, wake up!
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
It's okay, sweetheart, everything's
going to be okay.
FIRST PARAMEDIC
Mr. Tannen, I think you should take
your daughter in the house.
MINI
Oh, please, don't let her die!
EXT. THE HOUSE - LATER.
Two POLICE CRUISERS are parked outside as Diane's body, now
wrapped in a body bag, is being wheeled into the ambulance.
A FEW "LOOKY LOOS" are standing at the gates to the house,
interested to see what's happened.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - LATER.
One of the paramedics fills out a report on a clipboard in
the background, as Martin continues to comfort Mini. A MAN,
30, with a slightly weary look, walks in the front door
wearing an off-the-rack grey suit and barber shop haircut.
GARSON
Mr. Tannen?
Martin looks up.
MARTIN
Yes?
MAN
I'm Detective Bill Garson, LAPD.
MARTIN
Yes?
GARSON
I'm sorry to be here right now, but
whenever there's an apparent
suicide we are required to do an
investigation to rule out homicide.
MARTIN
(clearly surprised)
Oh...uh...right.
GARSON
It's really just a formality.
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
MINI
(exploding)
My mother just killed herself! They
haven't even taken her away yet!
What's wrong with you?
M
ARTIN
Mini, please! He's just doing his
job.
MINI
Tell him to leave! This is
outrageous!
MARTIN
(to Garson)
Could we do this another time?
GARSON
Of course we--
MARTIN
Thank you.
Mini looks at Martin, relieved.
GARSON
But I do need to ask just a few
simple questions before I go.
MINI
Didn't you hear him?! He said--
MARTIN
(sharply)
Mini, it's okay...just go lie down
for a moment.
INT. THE GARAGE- MOMENTS LATER.
Martin stands in the garage with Garson, going over what
happened.
MARTIN
So after dinner and the movie, we
came home at around 11:30 and found
her in the garage. I turned off the
car and opened the garage door to
let out the exhaust.
(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED:
GARSON
What about trying to revive your
wife?
Martin seems a bit taken aback by the question.
MARTIN
Of course, we did that too, but I
couldn't feel a pulse. Mini took a
course at school in CPR and tried
that, but...
(taking a breath)
it didn't work.
GARSON
So your wife did this sometime
between 8:00 and 11:33 when you
placed the 911 call?
MARTIN
Yes.
GARSON
May I ask why you left your wife
alone when she had been acting in
such an unstable state?
MARTIN
We never thought she'd do anything
like...this. After the episode in
the mall, Diane hadn't left the
house for three days and my
daughter and I just needed a break.
It's been a very stressful time.
GARSON
Of course. So this was your wife's
car?
MARTIN
Yes.
GARSON
Was it in the garage when you left
for dinner or did she drive it in?
MARTIN
What?
GARSON
Was it in the garage when you left?
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED: (2)
MARTIN
(a little flustered)
Is, is that important?
G
ARSON
Just trying to reconstruct what
happened.
MARTIN
Oh, well...after she was brought
home from the mall, the car was
towed here and we put it in the
garage.
GARSON
And no one drove it during those
three days?
MARTIN
No, Mini and I have our own cars.
GARSON
We are going to have to impound it
for a few days to take it to the
crime lab.
MARTIN
Crime lab? Oh, okay.
GARSON
Again, purely routine.
MARTIN
Sure.
GARSON
Have you found a note yet?
MARTIN
(confused)
I'm sorry?
Garson's eyes flicker for a split second.
GARSON
A suicide note? The deceased
usually leaves one.
MARTIN
Oh...right, no...not yet. But we
haven't really looked.
(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED: (3)
GARSON
Mind if I take a look around?
Martin hesitates for just a split second.
MARTIN
No...of course not.
INT. MINI'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini and Martin whisper together.
MINI
Who cares if we didn't leave a
note? Just relax.
MARTIN
But they said it's--
MINI
So what? He'll do his little dance
and chalk it up to another failed
actress who realized after forty
she might as well be dead.
MARTIN
(remembering something)
Oh, shit!
MINI
What?
MARTIN
The sweatsuits and goggles.
MINI
I already snuck out the back and
threw them in Mike Rudell's garbage
cans.
MARTIN
(exhaling)
Good.
MINI
Angelpie, just relax, we did it,
we're free.
EXT. THE LAS HADAS RESORT- MANZANILLO MEXICO - DAY
Martin and Mini arrive in a shuttle bus in front of the lush
resort.
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
After the funeral, I felt it would
be good idea if we took a vacation
and went somewhere where we could
act like a real couple for the
first time.
INT. THEIR HOTEL ROOM - LATER.
M
artin tips the BELL HOP on the way out and the moment the
door closes, Mini jumps into his arms.
MINI (V.O.)
Martin agreed and let me pick the
place. I chose Las Hadas in
Mexico, because that's where Dudley
Moore and Bo Derek did it in Ten.
EXT. THE BEACH - DAY
Martin spreads sun tan lotion on Mini's back.
MINI (V.O.)
I figured sugar daddy/younger woman
would be old news down there.
A few other OLDER MAN/YOUNGER WOMAN couples lounge near them,
mixed among more traditional pairings.
INT. AN OUTDOOR TIKI BAR/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
MARIACHIS play a sexy Mexican ballad as Mini, wearing a thin
sundress, dances very close with Martin.
MINI (V.O.)
I could feel that Martin had let
the whole thing with the cops go.
It had been two weeks since Mom's
death and it already felt like it
happened a year ago.
EXT. THE BEACH - NIGHT
Mini lies on top of Martin on a lounge chair. They both stare
up at the stars. The gentle breaking of waves further adds to
the tranquility of the evening.
MINI
You know, I've been thinking that I
might enjoy working in your office
this summer.
(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Really? Sure, if you want.
MINI
I want.
She moves to kiss him.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Martin, Mini? Is that you?
Martin and Mini look up to see MIKE RUDELL, their producer
neighbor, peering at them in the dark. He has an arm wrapped
around the waist of A YOUNG BLONDE who is clearly Playmate
material.
MINI (V.O.)
I swear I thought Martin was going
to wet himself.
Mini quickly sits up, trying to make it look like innocent
father/daughter closeness.
MARTIN
(extremely tense)
Oh...hi, Mike, what, what are you
doing here?
R
udell comes over, clearly aware of how un-father/daughter
they were lying.
RUDELL
Last week Mini mentioned you two
were coming here for a little R&R,
and I suddenly realized I hadn't
taken a vacation in god knows when.
Jennifer, this is my neighbor
Martin Tannen and his daughter,
Mini.
Martin barely looks at Jennifer as he shakes her hand. She
looks equally uncomfortable.
MINI
I'm sorry, but, Jennifer, have we
met? You look so familiar.
Jennifer looks quite uneasy, as she forces a smile.
JENNIFER
I don't think so.
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI (V.O.)
And the icing is that Jennifer
works for the same escort service
that I did. Now this is rich.
MIKE
I wanted you both to know how sorry
I am for your loss.
MINI (V.O.)
Our loss? He just lost six or
seven freebies a year.
MIKE
If there's anything I can do...
(to Mini)
for either of you...
MINI (V.O.)
Yikes, now that Mom's out of the
way, I guess I'm fair game.
MIKE
...don't hesitate to ask. Remember
I'm just right across the fence.
The meaning is not lost on Martin.
MARTIN
(measured)
Thanks, Mike, we appreciate it.
INT. THEIR HOTEL ROOM - LATER.
Martin paces back and forth as Mini sits on the bed. His neck
muscles bulge with frustration.
MARTIN
Why did you tell him?!
MINI
I was just being friendly, I had no
idea he'd decide to come here.
MARTIN
He knows. He found the clothes and
goggles and he fucking knows!
MINI
I doubt he even knows where his
trash cans are.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED: MINI(CONT'D)
You're overreacting. It's just
coincidence.
MARTIN
Yeah, well coincidence or not, he
saw us together.
MINI
It was dark, I sat up before he saw
anything. M
ARTIN
No, he knows. It was like he was
toying with us.
MINI
Just relax, what is he going to do?
Go home and tell everyone we're a
couple? We'll just laugh it off and
tell everyone he vacations with
hookers.
Martin stops and looks at her, surprised.
MINI
Oh, come on, could that little
moment between you and Jennifer
have been any more awkward?
His face turns a little red.
MINI
I'm not jealous or anything, I just
think it's funny. Talk about six
degrees of penetration.
Martin rubs his temples, clearly overwhelmed.
MARTIN
You realize he could blackmail us?
If the police found out about us,
that suicide wouldn't look so
routine.
MINI
Martin, please, calm down. Trust
me, nothing is going to happen.
Her words don't appear to have calmed him.
76.
EXT. THE POOL - DAY
Martin sits on a lounger, reading a book and looking very
unhappy. From the pool, Mini emerges, soaking wet in a
bikini.
MINI (V.O.)
The next few days were a laugh
riot.
Martin looks up from the book, looking around suspiciously.
Suddenly, Mini appears behind him and gives him a kiss on the
mouth. He instinctively pulls back.
MINI (V.O.)
Suddenly, Martin was acting like he
really was my father.
Just then, Rudell and his bimbo enter the pool area, waving
at them. Mini's head is not close enough for the scene to
look incriminating, but Martin is too spooked to know the
difference.
INT. THE TANNEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mini and Martin sit watching TV. Mini flips channels,
stopping at Absolutely, Positive! Martin snatches the remote
and grumpily changes M
channels. Mini looks very annoyed.
MINI (V.O.)
We returned home and things didn't
get much better.
MONTAGE:
Mini trying on various sexy outfits in front of her mirror:
-Catholic School girl.
MINI (V.O.)
What little sex we were having was
getting dull.
-Cheerleader.
MINI (V.O.)
Quite frankly, with my little
project successfully completed...
-Naughty Nurse.
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
I was bored. I became concerned
that in my world of firsts I had
achieved my greatest first...
-French Maid.
MINI (V.O.)
...at too young an age.
-Marilyn Monroe in the sequined dress she sang to JFK in.
MINI
(singing breathily)
"Happy birthday, Mr. President"
MINI (V.O.)
As for school, well, I was just in
no state to return to my studies
after the trauma of my mother's
death.
THE DOOR BELL RINGS. Mini looks towards the hallway.
EXT. THE FRONT DOOR TO THE HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini answers it, having removed her Marilyn wig, but still in
the sequined dress. Detective Garson stands at the door,
looking her up and down. Mini hides her surprise well.
MINI (V.O.)
Uh oh.
MINI
Yes?
GARSON
Minerva Tannen, Detective Garson, I
don't know if you remember me?
MINI
Drogues, my last name is Drogues.
And "yes", I remember you, you were
the big hearted lug who wanted your
questions answered while my mother
was still warm.
GARSON
(ignoring her dig)
So, Mr. Tannen is your stepfather?
(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Nice work, McGruff.
GARSON
Again, I am sorry about that night,
but it is policy that we get the
preliminary facts as soon as
possible.
MINI
What do you want?
GARSON
I need to ask you a few more
questions about your mother's
death. M
INI
Sure, come on in.
INT. THEIR LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mini leads him in.
MINI (V.O.)
I know, it's stupid as hell to talk
to a cop without a lawyer, but I
didn't want to look jumpy and my
first real interrogation? I could
feel something tingle deep inside.
Mini and Garson take a seat. Mini lights a cigarette. Garson
looks over her outfit again.
GARSON
It's a little early for the prom,
isn't it?
MINI
A girl can dream, can't she?
GARSON
Perfectly legal. So, anyway, we got
the preliminary coroner's report.
Although the pills knocked her out,
she died of the carbon monoxide
poisoning from the exhaust.
MINI
Is it that important?
(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:
GARSON
Well, it's just a little unusual
for a suicide victim to use two
methods. Her choices seemed, I
don't know how to put it...
improvisational.
MINI
Well, maybe she wanted to drift off
before the fumes got her? She
clearly put some thought into that
outfit.
GARSON
Clearly...But dying from carbon
monoxide poisoning is actually
pretty painless, you just basically
pass out.
MINI
I doubt she would have had an
intimate knowledge of how car fumes
feel when you choke on them.
GARSON
I suppose you're right...Also we
checked the phone records and there
was a 911 call placed at 8:12. It
was a hang up and when the 911
dispatcher called back a few
minutes later, there was no answer.
MINI
Really?
GARSON
Any idea why she'd call 911?
MINI (V.O.)
Okie fine, this may be the most
exciting thing I've done in a
while, but even I know when the
rush isn't worth the risk.
MINI
Look, I think you should come back
when my father's around. He'll be
upset I let a stranger in the
house. G
ARSON
I think you're safe with me.
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI
Even so, he won't be happy.
GARSON
Not a problem, will he be home
tonight?
INT. MARTIN'S OFFICE - DAY
Martin is on the phone.
MARTIN
And you let him in?!
EXT. THE POOL - CONTINUOUS
Mini lounges in a bikini, talking on the cordless phone,
while sucking on a red popsicle.
MINI
I played it cool, it would've
looked worse to be defensive.
Mini looks across the yard to see...
MIKE RUDELL looking down at her from the upstairs balcony of
his home. He's dressed in a plush terry cloth robe and is
smoking a pipe, which he raises in greeting. His eyes are
locked on hers.
MARTIN (V.O.)
Well, when's he coming over?
MINI
Tonight?
MARTIN (V.O.)
Tonight!? I've got a dinner with
Chapman. I've already cancelled--
(frustrated)
Damn it! Why didn't you call me?!
RUDELL allows the folds of his robe to open in the breeze,
revealing his chest and pair of silk boxers. He's in good
shape for a man his age.
MINI
(annoyed)
Hey, I didn't know you had plans!
Mini responds to Rudell's challenge, lowering a strap on her
bikini top.
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN (V.O.)
Listen, I'll be home early so we
can get the story straight.
MINI
Okay.
Mini hangs up the phone, removing the popsicle slowly from
her mouth.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Martin and Mini sit across from Garson. Martin appears cool
and relaxed, a scotch in his hand.
GARSON
I really appreciate you taking the
time to help us out. There's just a
few loose ends we want to tie up.
MARTIN
Absolutely. What would you like to
know?
Garson opens his briefcase and removes a report. He starts
G
leafing through papers.
ARSON
There appears to be some question
as to the time of death. You said
you went to dinner and a movie-
MARTIN
Detective, not to be overly
sensitive, but do I need my lawyer
here? Because these sound like the
questions one asks when there's a
homicide investigation.
GARSON
Mr. Tannen, I'd really like to just
finish this up, I've got real
homicides that need attention. How
about if I just ask you some
questions and the one's you don't
want to answer, we'll just skip?
MINI
That sounds good, doesn't it, Dad?
I mean, let's just get this over
with.
(CONTINUED)
82.
CONTINUED:
Martin looks at Mini, trying hard not to allow his anger to
escape for a second.
MARTIN
Fair enough.
GARSON
Terrific...now, the preliminary
blood report indicated she had
ritalin in her system.
Mini's eyes shift between Garson and his note pad.
MARTIN
I wasn't aware my wife was taking
ritalin.
GARSON
Neither was her physician, he had
never prescribed it.
MARTIN
Well, as you may have discovered by
now, my wife had substance abuse
problems, I'm sure there were many
drugs she took without a
prescription.
GARSON
I know, but it's an odd drug to be
taking. It's mostly given to adults
and children with Attention Deficit
Disorder to calm them. But in
people who don't need it, it has
the reverse effect, making them
incredibly hyper and agitated.
MARTIN
Again, Detective, I really can't
say why she was taking these drugs.
GARSON
Fair enough...Mr. Tannen, were you
and your wife close?
MARTIN
No...we led, for the most part,
separate lives. We had decided to
stay together for Mini.
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI (V.O.)
O
oh...sacrifice personal happiness
for the benefit of the child.
Excellent.
GARSON
I see...
MARTIN
Listen, Detective Garson, I must
admit I don't see the relevance of
these questions. Diane was an
extremely disturbed person. Haven't
you interviewed enough people who
saw her at her worst?
GARSON
Yes, but what I'm still unclear
about is her time of death.
MARTIN
Well, that makes two of us...
Again, detective, we were out for
the whole evening.
GARSON
(looking at his notes)
After dinner you saw a movie that
night?
MARTIN
That's right.
MINI (V.O.)
Start time 9 o'clock.
GARSON
What did you see?
MARTIN
That new Jackie Chan movie where
the terrorists try to blow up Mount
Rushmore.
MINI (V.O.)
Running time 115 minutes.
GARSON
Ahh...My buddy told me the end is
crazy.
(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED: (3)
MINI (V.O.)
For god sakes, does he think we
wouldn't actually see it?
MARTIN
Yeah, he slides down Washington's
nose with the bomb strapped to him.
MINI
Dad...Don't give it away, he hasn't
seen it yet.
Martin turns to Mini, giving her a fatherly smile.
MARTIN
Another demerit...
Mini rolls her eyes at Garson.
GARSON
That's okay...Where did you see it?
MARTIN
The Galleria.
MINI (V.O.)
Drive time 17 minutes.
GARSON
And you got home at?
MINI (V.O.)
Precisely...
MARTIN
11:30.
MINI (V.O.)
With 12 minutes of previews. You
didn't think we'd forget the
previews?
MARTIN
Now, if there aren't any more
questions, it is a school night.
GARSON
No, that about wraps it up for now.
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED: (4)
MARTIN
For now? Detective we are trying
very hard to put our lives back
together, but every time you come
by, it just dredges everything back
up. We've told you everything we
know. G
ARSON
I wish I could be more definitive.
MARTIN
Well, I'm telling you the next time
you have a question, it had better
be because you're charging us-
GARSON
Us?
Martin momentarily freezes.
MARTIN
I'm just asking you to please let
us deal with our grief and get on
with our lives.
GARSON
(standing)
Thanks again for your time.
EXT. THE POOL - LATER.
Mini sits in a chair as Martin paces.
MARTIN
What the hell was I thinking,
letting you talk me into this?
MINI
It's probably just routine stuff.
MARTIN
That was not routine, my dear.
MINI
Nice use of the word "us", by the
way.
MARTIN
Sorry, it just slipped out.
(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED:
MINI
If I had a nickel for every time I
heard that-
MARTIN
(sharply)
Okay.
MINI
Look, just chill, I'm sure this
will blow over in a few days.
MARTIN
Chill?! Believe me, we'll be
chilling in a pine box if he
figures everything out. You do
understand they could go for the
death penalty?
MINI
He's probably just trying to spook
us.
MARTIN
Hello?! They don't try and spook
you unless they think you did it!
MINI
It was a great plan, no one can
prove we stuck those sleeping pills
in her mouth, because we didn't.
MARTIN
(seething)
Well, if it was such a great plan,
why am I cancelling business
dinners to accommodate a detective
who appears convinced it wasn't a
suicide?
Mini glares at him and then stands up, heading inside.
MINI
I'll see you later.
MARTIN
Where are you going?
MINI
Out.
87.
INT. A DANCE CLUB IN EAGLE ROCK - NIGHT
The club is packed with YOUNG LATINO CLUBHOPPERS gyrating to
the pulsating beat. Mini, in a tight crimson dress, has
attracted quite a crowd, as she dances very provocatively
with a MUSCULAR YOUNG LATINO.
M
MINI (V.O.)
Would he follow?
His face and shoulders glisten with sweat, as she lifts one
leg around his waist and then the other. As she straddles
him, their hips rocking together, she puts her arms around
his neck and leans all the way back, her hair hanging down in
ecstasy.
As she pulls herself back up, her eyes scan the room.
MARTIN stands in the back, watching her, his eyes sullen.
MINI (V.O.)
Was there any question?
Mini's eyes move quickly enough past him that it's ambiguous
to him whether she spotted him or not.
Martin watches as Mini leans in and in SLOW MOTION gives her
partner a deep, long kiss. MARTIN looks ill.
EXT. THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - DAWN
Mini's car pulls into the driveway. She gets out, looking
rumpled.
INT. THE KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini walks in to find Martin, sitting at the table in a
bathrobe. He's reading the paper, with a cup of coffee. Mini
opens the fridge and removes a carton of orange juice, taking
a big slug.
MARTIN
A phone call would have been
appreciated at some point. I was
worried.
MINI (V.O.)
Worried that refugee from a J.Lo
video rode me `til the tires fell
off?
(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Uh...Martin, I'm not sure you're
aware, but at this point you can't
be my dad and my lover. Where I go
and how late I stay out is my
business.
MARTIN
I wasn't saying that as a dad.
(very sincere)
Before your mother and I...grew
apart, I would worry if she was out
late.
MINI
Well, that's sweet, but I'm not her
and I can assure you I won't end up
passed out in some greaseball's
fuck pad with my panties around my
ankles...
(cold, smooth)
u
nless I choose to.
MARTIN
What the hell's gotten into you? I
just expressed concern for you and
you turn around and threaten me?
Mini, in a relationship, it's okay
to worry about someone else.
MINI (V.O.)
I kind of have to admire this. He
really is one of the world's
premiere bullshit artists.
MARTIN
Haven't you ever been in a
relationship?
The questions hangs in the air. Mini looks down, almost
ashamed.
MARTIN
My god, you haven't.
She tries to hold back the tears as she looks up.
MINI
Congratulations...
(sniffling)
you're my first.
(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED: (2)
He comes over and gives her a very sweet hug.
MARTIN
Oh, angel.
MINI (V.O.)
And I'd like to thank the academy
and god and, oh yeah, "Free Tibet".
INT. AN ELEVATOR - MORNING
Martin rides up in the elevator with other OFFICE WORKERS.
His eyes look tired from staying up all night.
MINI (V.O.)
Fake tears aside...he actually was
my first relationship. Which, in
itself, was significant, because I
had always felt that by living my
life by the rule of firsts, I would
never be able to find someone who
could accept me on those terms.
INT. MARTIN'S OFFICE - MORNING
He strides off the elevator sending "hellos" and nods to his
employees, as he passes the large corporate logo: "BOYD,
MATHER, TANNEN & ASSOCIATES".
MINI (V.O.)
And I was willing to give him the
chance to be that person...
He reaches his desk, where his YOUNG SECRETARY, LOIS, is
waiting with an envelope.
MINI (V.O.)
...if he could just hold it
together.
MARTIN
Morning, Lois.
LOIS
Mr. Tannen, this just arrived for
you.
She hands him a manila envelope marked "MARTIN TANNEN- VIA
MESSENGER". He takes it from her and walks into his office,
sitting down. He opens the package to find an 8x10 glossy
photo of:
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:
MINI SITTING WITH HIM AT THE POOL IN MEXICO. The caption
reads: "THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS".
MINI (V.O.)
That's when things started to get
interesting.
Martin looks up, the empty look in his eyes revealing a
terrified mind already calculating the potential outcomes. He
examines THE ENVELOPE. There is a SPEEDWAY COURIER STICKER,
but no return address.
INT. MARTIN'S CAR - LATER.
Martin angrily honks his horn in slow traffic as he talks on
his cell.
MARTIN
Lois, I need you to re-schedule the
Chapman meeting...
(listening)
I know...Tell him...tell him it's
an unavoidable emergency.
INT. SPEEDWAY COURIER - DAY
Martin stands at the front desk, talking to A CLERK.
MARTIN
What do you mean you don't keep
records on who your senders are?
CLERK
When it's paid cash, we only keep
records on packages, not envelopes.
EXT. THE SPEEDWAY BRANCH - CONTINUOUS
Martin walks outside, frustrated. His cell goes off and he
answers it.
MARTIN
Yeah?
LOIS (O.S.)
Mr. Tannen, I just spoke to Mr.
Chapman...he told me to tell you
that he's going to be seeking a new
firm to handle his company's needs.
Martin's jaw tightens.
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Thank you, Lois.
Martin hangs up the phone, as he looks up, he sees across the
street a large sign on a modern office building: RUDELL
WORLDWIDE ENTERTAINMENT.
Martin closes his eyes, trying to remain in control.
INT. A CONFERENCE ROOM AT MARTIN'S FIRM - LATER.
Martin walks into the office to find his partners, STEVE BOYD
and CHARLES MATHER waiting for him. Martin looks surprised
and concerned.
MARTIN
Steve? Charlie? What, what are
you doing in town? Why didn't you
tell me you were coming--
M
ATHER
We just heard about Chapman...not
that it matters.
BOYD
We can't afford to lose any more
clients.
The color drains from Martin's face.
MARTIN
Jesus, guys, my wife just committed
suicide...
MATHER
No one's saying this isn't a
difficult time for you, but
whatever's been distracting you
started long before that.
BOYD
There's just no way to sugarcoat
this...you're a liability we can't
afford anymore...
Martin sits very still, his world crumbling around him.
MARTIN
Fifteen years...we've been--
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
MATHER
(curtly)
We'll be asking all our clients who
they would prefer to stay with, and
of course, you'll have an equal
shot to make your case with them.
Martin continues to stare off into space, reeling.
INT. MARTIN'S CAR - LATER.
Martin sits in the traffic on Beverly Glen. The veins in his
neck are starting to bulge as he stares straight ahead.
Suddenly, he starts pounding on the steering wheel.
MARTIN
Fucking shit! Fucking shit! Fucking
shit!
Just then, he looks over to the next car. A three year old
GIRL in the back seat holds up her "PO" TELETUBBY DOLL to
show him.
CLOSE ON: AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW OF MIKE RUDELL'S HOUSE-
NIGHT.
Through a BINOCULAR'S VIEWFINDER: Rudell is seen through the
window talking on the phone, unaware he's being watched.
MARTIN (O.S.)
Look at that smug prick...He's
fucking with me and I will not be
fucked with.
INT. THE KITCHEN OF THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Martin and Mini stand in the dark kitchen, as Martin peers
out the window through binoculars at RUDELL across the yard.
MINI
What are you gonna do?
Martin goes to a drawer and removes the LARGE KNIFE they
bought at Williams Sonoma.
M
ARTIN
I'm gonna go over there and tell
him to back off or he's gonna get
hurt.
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Are you crazy? We're not even
positive it's him!
MARTIN
My god, the picture was dropped off
at a messenger service right across
the street from his office! He was
the only person at the resort who
knew who we were!
MINI
He could go to the cops and tell
them you threatened him, then
they'd really start investigating
us. It's just one photo and you
can't even really tell if it's me.
MARTIN
That son of bitch just cost me the
firm I worked fifteen years to
build.
MINI
Well, if you start waving that
thing around, he's gonna cost you a
lot more than that.
INT. THEIR BEDROOM - LATER.
Mini lies awake, looking annoyed as Martin keeps turning and
shifting in bed.
MINI (V.O.)
Martin didn't sleep at all that
night and made damn well sure I
didn't either.
EXT. THE FRONT DOOR OF MIKE RUDELL'S HOUSE - MORNING
Mini walks up the long driveway.
MINI (V.O.)
With Mommy Dearest out of the way,
I decided to take the matter of
Rudell into my own hands. I knew
Martin wouldn't approve, but at
this point...action had to be
taken.
She arrives at the front door and rings the bell.
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
I would catch him off guard,
disorient him and then kill him...
The door opens and Rudell stands before her in the same plush
bathrobe.
MINI (V.O.)
...with kindness.
MINI
Hi, Mr. Rudell, I'm sorry to bother
you.
RUDELL
Not at all, as I said down in
Mexico...
(slightly lascivious)
anything for a neighbor.
MINI
May I come in?
INT. RUDELL'S IMPRESSIVE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Eighteen foot ceilings frame the room, garishly decorated
with very modern, modular furniture. Rudell leads Mini in.
M
INI
Wow, I haven't been here since you
redecorated.
RUDELL
It was just finished. I'm sorry
your mother never got to see it
completed.
MINI
I know she'd approve.
RUDELL
If you don't mind me asking, ...how
are you doing?
MINI
It's been hard, but I guess I've
just been telling myself that she's
probably much happier where she is
now.
RUDELL
You're absolutely-
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Positive!?
Mini giggles, almost embarrassed.
RUDELL
(chuckling)
Well, that too, but "correct" was
the word I was thinking of. Do you
like the show?
MINI
Oh, god, it's my favorite. I love
how you never know if the couples
will decide to stay together.
RUDELL
I could arrange for you to go to
the set one day if you'd like, or
even be a contestant?
MINI
A contestant? Really?
RUDELL
Sure, those dates are really quite
harmless. You just spend an evening
with the person. We prep you on
what to say before the show.
MINI
It sounds like fun.
Rudell lets his eyes take a walk all over her. Mini, keenly
aware, blushes.
RUDELL
Anyway, what's on your mind?
MINI
Well, um...this may sound strange,
but you haven't seen any suspicious
looking people around our house
lately?
RUDELL
No, is everything okay?
MINI
Yes, it's just that since mom's
death, someone sent us a photo of
Martin and I together.
(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED: (2)
RUDELL
Together?
MINI
It indicated that we were...I know
this sounds crazy, but...a couple.
RUDELL
A couple? You and Martin? Hmmm...I
mean, certainly older men and
younger women are an
(searching again)
...accepted part of society, but
for someone to do that, well...it's
just tasteless.
MINI
Exactly, so we're just trying to
figure who Rit could be.
UDELL
Hmm, I haven't noticed anyone at
all...Out of curiosity, what kind
of a picture could they send you to
indicate that you and Martin were
together?
MINI
Oh, it wasn't like we were naked or
anything. I mean, of course, he's
seen me naked, he is my step-
father.
RUDELL
Of course.
EXT. RUDELL'S POOL - LATER.
Mini and Rudell sit at a table, enjoying iced teas, as Mini
flirts shamelessly with him.
MINI (V.O.)
Much to my surprise, I was invited
to stay for a refreshing
beverage...
EXT. RUDELL'S HOT HOUSE - LATER.
Rudell shows Mini around his collection of rare tropical
flowers. He plucks a tiger lily off a stem and puts it in her
hair.
(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
I knew he had had no shortage of
young women in his bed, but he had
been paying for it in one form or
another for a long time.
EXT. RUDELL'S PUTTING GREEN - LATER.
Rudell shows Mini how to use a pitching wedge on the small
putting green off his back patio. He stands behind her,
wrapping his arms around her, guiding her arms through the
swing.
MINI (V.O.)
And the one undeniable fact I had
learned from Martin is that there
is no greater thrill or triumph in
a man's life...
INT. RUDELL'S KITCHEN - LATER.
Rudell makes her a giant banana split, covering it with whip
cream.
MINI (V.O.)
...than getting a ripe young woman
to open the gates to heaven for no
other reason than she wanted to.
He accidently gets some whip cream on his nose. Mini reaches
over and wipes it off, licking her finger clean. Rudell tries
to hide the wonderment in his eyes.
MINI (V.O.)
Frankly, I'm surprised the
anticipation of pulling off a
mother-daughter double dip didn't
give him a stroke right there.
E
XT. RUDELL'S FRONT GATE - LATER.
Mini walks out, skipping down the path, singing "The Candy
Man" to herself.
MINI
"Who can take tomorrow? Dip it in a
dream, separate the sorrow and
collect up all the cream, the candy
man, oh, the candy man can"
(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED:
MINI (V.O.)
I left that day, exhilarated in the
knowledge that in one afternoon, I
had turned Rudell into a trout on a
line...and he'd follow me anywhere
I tugged the pole.
MINI
(singing)
"The candy man can 'cause he mixes
it with love and makes the world
taste good..."
INT. THE HALLWAY OF MINI'S HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Mini walks down the corridor with Kayla.
MINI (V.O.)
The photos stopped coming and
although Martin was freaking out
about his business, things were
returning to normal. I even decided
to return to school.
They approach TROY, the football player she humiliated
earlier. Mini raises two fingers to her mouth in a "V",
simulating cunnilingus, taunting Troy. His friends laugh and
he wilts, pretending he didn't see her.
INT. A CLASSROOM- MOMENTS LATER.
Mini and Kayla walk in with other students. Her teacher,
Warren Bishop, comes over to her immediately.
BISHOP
Mini, I've got a message for you to
go to the principal's office right
away.
INT. THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - LATER.
Mini is led in by A SECRETARY, as Detective Garson sits in a
chair next to PRINCIPAL PATTY ANDREWS, 50.
MINI (V.O.)
Then things got interesting again.
Mini immediately sizes up the situation and takes on the
appropriate concerned tone.
(CONTINUED)
99.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Detective Garson, is everything all
right?
CLOSE ON: A VIDEO MONITOR.
A
black and white surveillance tape of one of the school's
hallways is seen.
GARSON (O.S.)
Mini, this tape was shot a week
before your mother's death.
The door to the nurses office is seen opening and Nurse
Hauptführer walks out.
GARSON (O.S.)
The next day, the school nurse
reported two bottles of Ritalin
missing from the medicine cabinet.
A few seconds later, Mini is seen entering the nurse's
office, checking over her shoulder to make sure no one saw
her. THE TAPE FREEZES, then fast forwards. Mini is seen
leaving the office, stuffing something in her pocket.
INT. AN EMPTY CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
A TV and VCR sit on a rolling cabinet in the corner, as
Garson puts down the remote and looks at Mini. Principal
Andrews is not pleased.
GARSON
We've lifted two prints from the
door and the inside of the medicine
cabinet. They don't match the
nurse.
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
Mini, is there something you'd like
to say to Detective Garson?
Mini eyes remain calm.
MINI
Can we see the tape of the Der
Führer sucking down her afternoon
fix of Smirnoff, or don't you have
cameras in the bathroom stalls?
(CONTINUED)
100.
CONTINUED:
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
Young lady, stealing anything,
especially prescription drugs is a
serious matter.
Mini looks at Andrews, her eyes suddenly starting to tear up.
MINI
You got me, okay? But what was I
supposed to do?
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
What do you mean?
MINI
(suddenly hysterical)
She...She said if I didn't, she
was...was gonna--
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
Who? Another student?
MINI
My mother! She made me steal them
for her! I didn't want to, but she
said she was going to send me to
boarding school in Canada if I
didn't! P
RINCIPAL ANDREWS
Canada?
MINI
(sobbing)
The Yukon territories! Are you
happy, now? You got me!
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
Oh my lord, I had know idea, she
was--
MINI
An addict? Detective Garson knew!
We told him, and now what? The
whole school's gonna know!?
Mini hides her face in her hands.
MINI
She's dead, my mommy's dead. Can't
we just leave her be?
(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED: (2)
Andrews casts a harsh glance at a frustrated Garson.
PRINCIPAL ANDREWS
Detective Garson, I assume, there
won't be a need to press charges
against Ms. Drogues?
Mini holds out her wrists to Garson.
MINI
(sniffling)
You gonna cuff me, Copper!?
Garson looks at Mini, clearly not convinced of her innocence.
GARSON
She's free to go.
INT. THE LOBBY OF MARTIN'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Martin gets off the elevator and heads across the lobby.
GARSON and A UNIFORMED OFFICER approach him. Martin looks a
little unnerved to see them.
GARSON
Ah, Mr. Tannen, we were just coming
up to see you. Have you got a
minute?
MARTIN
Detective, I told you no more
questions without my lawyer.
GARSON
I think you'd better call him.
INT. AN INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER.
Martin sits at a table, conferring with his lawyer, NED
VOLANT, an impeccably dressed operator with a mane of thick,
heavily gelled hair. Garson sits across from them.
GARSON
There's a small discrepancy that I
can't quite figure out and I was
hoping you might be able to explain
it.
MARTIN
I suppose I can try.
(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED:
GARSON
The final toxicology report came
back and your wife definitely
didn't die from the pills. She
wasn't conscious past 9:30, but it
was the fumes that killed her.
M
ARTIN
Well, hallelujah, thanks for the
update-
VOLANT
Martin, easy.
MARTIN
I'm sorry, but this is harassment.
GARSON
See, here's what I needed to ask
you. The gas tank in the Jag was
almost full, just a gallon had been
used.
MARTIN
And?
GARSON
Well, if she was unconscious by
9:30, that means the car must have
been running for at least two hours
when you found her. An unconscious
person can't turn on a car, right?
VOLANT
Detective, with all due respect,
could you get to the point?
GARSON
Well, here's where I get confused,
see, that particular model idling
for two hours will burn at least
four gallons of gas.
Martin tries to remain calm, as the panic starts to settle in
for a long stay.
GARSON
So, there's really no way the tank
could be almost full if it was
running for two hours. Is there?
He looks at Martin, waiting for an answer.
(CONTINUED)
103.
CONTINUED: (2)
GARSON
So, I guess what I'm asking is,
whose idea was it to put her in the
car?
VOLANT
Martin, don't say anything.
GARSON
Now, Mr. Tannen, you clearly had
the most to gain from her death,
but I've learned from a number of
your wife's friends that she and
Mini had a strained relationship.
VOLANT
Again, Detective, my client won't
be answering anything, so let's
just cut the cat and mouse.
GARSON
I'd like Mr. Tannen to know that if
he's trying to be a protective
father by covering up something
Mini did, I'd be careful. The
district attorney is viewing this
case as an opportunity to show the
public that the rich don't get away
with murder in this town.
Martin whispers something in Volant's ear and he in turn,
V
whispers back.
OLANT
Does this mean he's offering Mr.
Tannen immunity if he says he was
protecting his daughter?
Garson takes a sip of water, as Martin anxiously waits for
his answer.
GARSON
It's a strong possibility. But he
wants Mr. Tannen to know he will go
for the maximum sentence if he
doesn't. No manslaughter, no plea
bargains, nothing.
Martin's eyes shift slightly.
104.
INT. ANOTHER INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Garson, now finished with Martin, sits across from Mini and
her lawyer, HERB PELHAM, who doesn't look nearly as confident
as Martin's lawyer.
MINI
It was Colonel Mustard in the
library with the candlestick.
Garson smiles at Mini, admiring her resolve.
PELHAM
(nervously)
Uh...Miss Drogues, as your lawyer-
MINI
Don't wet your pants, I know when
to shut up and swallow...
Mini takes out a sip a water, letting a trickle of liquid
roll down her chin.
MINI
...my tongue.
Even Garson appears a little intimidated by the overt
flirtation.
GARSON
Look, the fact that the marriage
was unhappy and there was no pre-
nup gives all the motive to Martin.
MINI
So you want me to say it was his
idea?
GARSON
If it was his idea, give me one
reason you should take the fall?
MINI (V.O.)
At that moment I knew we had him.
If he was trying to get me to rat
on Martin, he didn't have enough to
charge either one of us.
(CONTINUED)
105.
CONTINUED:
MINI
So if I tell the jury it was his
idea and I was scared for my life,
because he said he'd kill me if I
ever told anyone, then I walk?
Garson instinctively leans forward in his chair, just a bit.
Mini stares into Garson's eyes, unflinching. She looks around
the room, weighing her options. Pelham attempts to whisper
something in her ear. She waves him off.
M
INI
Sorry, sport, but I'll take my
chances.
INT. MARTIN'S CAR - LATER.
Mini and Martin drive home together. There is an icy chill
between them, as Martin looks over at Mini.
MARTIN
I never doubted for a minute you
were going to hold firm. Not a
second. I hope you know that?
MINI
Oh, I knew...I knew.
MARTIN
Good. You realize, we've got to
rely on each other?
MINI
Who else do we have?
MARTIN
Exactly. We're almost home free. My
lawyer says that gas gauge theory
is circumstantial as hell. I've
only got one concern now.
MINI
What?
MARTIN
Rudell. If a jury knew we were a
couple, we've both got a motive and
that changes everything.
Mini puts her hand on Martin's, reassuringly.
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:
MINI
Baby, don't worry about him, he's
just jealous 'cause you've still
got rockin' abs and a better
hairline.
Martin looks over at her, softening.
MINI
Even if he did send that picture,
what does it prove?...Nothing.
INT. THE SHERMAN OAKS GALLERIA - DAY
Mini walks through the mall.
MINI (V.O.)
For all of Martin's talk of relying
on each other...
MARTIN follows about a hundred yards behind.
MINI (V.O.)
Garson had succeeded in planting
the seeds of distrust.
MINI turns around and Martin ducks into a boutique.
EXT. A MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
Mini walks out of a movie theater, with Kayla and TWO BOYS.
MINI (V.O.)
Our relationship had turned into
what some might call...
A few seconds later, Martin walks out of the theater, wearing
dark glasses and a hat. He follows them.
MINI (V.O.)
...unhealthy.
INT. THEIR LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Mini sits in front of the TV, watching a commercial. She is
wearing the same "Fuct" T-shirt she wore when we first met
her. Her eyes are filled with anticipation.
M
MINI (V.O.)
Something had to give, and
ironically enough, it was the night
I was making my television debut.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
107.
CONTINUED: MINI(CONT'D)
I had asked Martin to be home by
eight for a big surprise.
Martin walks in the front door with his briefcase.
MINI
Oh, hey, come and watch. You're
missing me, I'm on TV!
MARTIN
What? Why?
MINI
Hurry up, the commercial's almost
over!
Martin walks over.
CLOSE ON: THE TV.
Absolutely Positive! Comes back on and we see that MINI and A
MALE CONTESTANT are sitting on either side of this show's
BLONDE HAIRED ENGAGED COUPLE.
Mini and her male counterpart are just a bit better looking
than the engaged couple, both of whom have a midwestern
wholesomeness.
MARTIN'S FACE turns white.
THE HOST turns to the camera.
HOST
Welcome back to Absolutely
Positive. Now it's time to hear how
the date between Jason and Mini
ended.
MARTIN
You? You went on-
MINI
Yeah, I thought it'd be a gas...now
shhh...
CLOSE ON THE
SCREEN:
HOST
Jason, you said that the reason you
wanted to come on the show was to
test your ability to resist
temptation.
(CONTINUED)
108.
CONTINUED:
JASON
(a bit nervous)
Well, since Becky and I have dated
since high school and decided to
remain virgins until marriage, I
just wanted to go on a date with
another girl just to see how I
would react. You know, whether
there'd be any feelings of doubt
about my decision?
HOST
So, after dinner, what happened?
JASON
Oh, gosh, well she suggested we go
to a dance club she knew. I'm not
really a good dancer, but I said
"yes."
BECKY
(hurt)
We never go dancing.
Jason smiles at her uncomfortably.
HOST
So, Mini, is Jason a good dancer?
M
INI
Well, he's a damn quick learner,
and not just at dancing.
MARTIN shoots a look at Mini
MINI
Martin, for god's sake, that was
their line. You think I talk like
that?
CLOSE ON THE
SCREEN:
HOST
Oh, really? So there was some other
teacher-student stuff going on?
JASON
(uncomfortable)
Uh, no, not really-
(CONTINUED)
109.
CONTINUED: (2)
MINI
Oh, come on, what about when we
went back to your place?
BECKY
You what?!
JASON
I, I don't know what she's talking
about.
MINI
Come on, don't be bashful. He put
on some soft music and-
JASON
No! This isn't true, why are you-
MINI
We started kissing and-
BECKY
Jason!
JASON
(to Mini)
Shut up!
STUDIO AUDIENCE
OOOOHHHHH!
MINI
But, Jay-Jay, it was really
special.
(to the host)
He loves to be called "Jay-Jay".
BECKY
You, you...
MINI
Let me tell you, Becky, you're in
for a wild ride from this Bronco.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
WHOOOOOOAAAA!
CUT TO:
MARTIN staring at Mini.
(CONTINUED)
110.
CONTINUED: (3)
MARTIN
Did, did you...
BECKY (O.S.)
You slept with her?!
MINI
God, Martin, it was a one time
thing. He was a virgin, how could
I say "no"? Believe me, she'll
thank me after their wedding night.
MARTIN
You had me come home early to-
MINI
Don't be jealous. It won't happen
again. It was just a goof.
Martin stands there, speechless, while ON THE SCREEN:
BECKY dissolves into a puddle of tears as Jason tries to
console her. Suddenly, she runs off stage.
MARTIN picks up the remote and hits "mute".
MARTIN
Rudell? He let you go on?
MINI
Yeah, I thought it would be fun. I
wasn't really supposed to, you
know, "go all the way" but-
MARTIN
I can't believe you...th-that
couple, you ruined their
relationship.
M
INI
Excuse me, but the show is called
Absolutely Positive for a reason.
Clearly, the only thing Jason was
positive about was-
MARTIN
You're a sick little twist, you
know that?
MINI
Well, what does that make you?
(CONTINUED)
111.
CONTINUED: (4)
MARTIN
(heading outside)
I need some air.
MINI
Oh, by the way, some intern from
your office stopped by earlier
today with something. It's on the
desk.
Martin walks over to the desk and picks up an envelope marked
"MARTIN TANNEN". He opens it to find...
AN 8x11 PHOTO of him and Mini kissing passionately on the
beach in Mexico. This time there is no question as to the
nature of their relationship. Scrawled across the bottom in
black marker is: "REMEMBER, I'M JUST ACROSS THE FENCE".
Martin's eyes scan the photo, a look of resignation setting
in.
MINI
What is it?
Martin slowly holds it up for her to see.
MINI
Oh, my god.
MARTIN
(very evenly)
I think it's time I had a little
chat with our neighbor
MINI
No, this is exactly what he wants!
What if he's working with Garson?
MARTIN
Then he can't blackmail me. Wait
here, I'll be right back.
Martin heads for the back door.
MINI
No, please, don't do this! Let me
go with you!
MARTIN
I said wait here.
Mini jumps up and runs over to him, grabbing his wrist.
(CONTINUED)
112.
CONTINUED: (5)
MINI
Don't do this, we can leave
tonight! We'll drive to Mexico!
Martin looks up at her.
MARTIN
He'll never leave us alone, you
realize that?
MINI
No! Let me talk to him, he promised
me he wouldn't hurt us!
MARTIN
He did? When?
MINI
A few days ago!
MARTIN
You saw him?
MINI
I went to try and find out what he
knew! I spent the afternoon with
him- M
ARTIN
You...spen-
MINI
I was doing it for us! I figured he
wouldn't turn us in if I...
MARTIN
If you...?
MINI
If I made him think I was...
interested.
A wave of nausea washes over Martin's face.
MARTIN
And was he?
Mini nods.
MARTIN
Please tell me you didn't.
(CONTINUED)
113.
CONTINUED: (6)
Mini hesitates.
MINI
No...
Martin looks unconvinced.
MINI
I just made him think I would, so
he wouldn't turn us in.
When Animals Attack comes on the TV in the background.
MARTIN
(sarcastically)
Thank you, I appreciate your
restraint.
MINI
Fuck you. I'd think you'd be a
little more appreciative.
MARTIN
Who were you doing it for when you
did it with that kid? Huh? Who was
that selfless act for!?
MINI
Oh, like you're such a martyr for
being faithful? It shows amazing
restraint to limit yourself to just
one stepdaughter!
MARTIN
Don't lecture me about fidelity!
Your mother was cheating within six
months of the "I do's"!
He heads for the door again.
MARTIN
Now, if you'll excuse me...
Mini grabs him again, desperate.
MINI
Please-- Look, I'm sorry, I really
am, but this isn't the answer!
Martin grabs her wrist, forcefully.
(CONTINUED)
114.
CONTINUED: (7)
MINI
You're hurting me!
MARTIN
(through his teeth)
Calm down or I'll snap it in two,
do you hear me?
Mini nods her head.
MARTIN
Now, I want you to wait here for
me. Do you understand?
Mini nods again.
MINI
(softly)
Please don't do this.
He lets go and calmly walks towards the sliding doors to the
back yard. Mini watches him go.
EXT. RUDELL'S FRONT DOOR- MOMENTS LATER.
Martin stands outside and rings the bell. The door opens and
Rudell stands there in a smoking jacket and pajamas. He looks
Martin up and down with a self-satisfied smile, as Sinatra's
R
"Nice and Easy" is playing on his stereo in the background.
UDELL
Martin, what a surprise, how are
you?
MARTIN
Just watched Mini on your show.
RUDELL
Ahh...was tonight the night? We
taped that two weeks ago. Let me
tell you, I have girls audition all
the time for me and...
(enjoying this)
She was fucking incredible.
Rudell watches Martin's eyes for a reaction.
MARTIN
A natural, huh?
(CONTINUED)
115.
CONTINUED:
RUDELL
Like a duck to water...and totally
willing to take direction.
Martin's jaw tightens, as Rudell is loving twisting the knife
in him.
RUDELL
I wish all the girls I worked with
had her...how can I put this?...
Need to please.
MARTIN
You son of a bitch...
Martin explodes, punching Rudell in the mouth, sending him
staggering backwards inside.
SINATRA (V.O.)
"Let's take it nice and easy..."
INT. THE TANNEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Mini stands at the window, nervously waiting on the phone.
She looks out THE WINDOW at the fight beginning in Rudell's
house.
MINI
(frantic)
Yes, hello, you've got to send a
police car to 2376 Mira Loma Lane
right away! My father's gone crazy,
I think he's going to hurt our
neighbor...yes 2376 Mira Loma, oh
god, hurry!
INT. RUDELL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rudell struggles to his feet and charges Martin, shoving him
against his wet bar. Rudell grabs a glass and smashes it
over Martin's face, grinding the glass into his face.
SINATRA (V.O.)
"Hey, baby, what's your hurry?
Relax, don't you worry..."
Martin screams in agony and throws Rudell off him. Rudell
crashes into a glass coffee table, smashing it to pieces.
Martin tries to pick the glass out of his eyes, as Rudell
gets to his feet and grabs one of metal legs of the shattered
coffee table.
(CONTINUED)
116.
CONTINUED:
He rushes Martin, clubbing him in the head with it. Martin
crumples to the floor and Rudell starts kicking him. Martin
grabs Rudell by the ankles and flips him.
The two men grapple on the floor.
MARTIN
Where are they?! Huh?
RUDELL
What are you talk-
MARTIN
Don't fuck with me! The negatives!
RUDELL
What?!
EXT. RUDELL'S PATIO AND POOL - CONTINUOUS
Rudell and Martin crash through the plate glass window on to
the brick patio. Martin gets to his feet first and grabs a
golf club propped up on a chair next to the putting green.
SINATRA (V.O.)
"The problem now of course is, to
simply hold your horses..."
Rudell struggles to his feet, just in time to see the
pitching wedge heading straight for his ribs. THWACK! Martin
catches him square and he goes down like a sack of potatoes.
Martin starts hitting him with one swing after another.
SINATRA (V.O.)
"To rush would be a crime..."
Rudell cries out in agony, as the blows smash one rib after
another.
MARTIN
You son of a bitch! How's that
feel?! You like that?! You thought
you could have my wife and my
daughter too?!
SINATRA (V.O.)
"`Cause nice and easy does it, nice
and easy does it..."
Martin bends down and grabs Rudell's hair, twisting his head
around so he can look him in the eye. In the distance a SIREN
is heard getting closer.
(CONTINUED)
117.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Sorry, pal, she's mine! Diane may
have taken pity on you between
vodkas, but not her! Not her!
Martin smashes his face into the patio. Rudell lets out a
moan, grasping at the ground, trying to get up, but his legs
don't obey him. Martin stands up and grabs the club, raising
it with both hands above his head for a final swing.
M
ARTIN
Now tell me where they are or I
swear to god, I'll crack your head
open!
MINI (O.S.)
Martin, don't!
He turns around to see Mini, tears coming down her cheeks,
standing ten feet away. The SIRENS suddenly stop.
MARTIN
Go look for the negatives!
MINI
No! This is insane!
MARTIN
We need the negatives!
He raises the club again. Mini runs for him, grabbing his arm
before it comes down.
MINI
You're gonna kill him!
He tries to pull the club away.
MARTIN
What are you doing! He'll tell
everyone!
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Freeze, police!
Martin turns around to see TWO UNIFORMED OFFICERS with their
guns drawn. Martin looks down at Rudell, gasping for air, his
face covered in blood. He looks at his own blood-soaked
clothes, the reality hitting him.
(CONTINUED)
118.
CONTINUED: (2)
OFFICER
Drop the club and put your hands
up!
Martin obeys and Mini runs into the arms of the second
officer. The first one moves quickly to Martin and shoves him
on the ground.
MINI
Thank God! Thank God, you came!
MARTIN
Mini, you called them?! How could
you call them?!
Mini buries her face in the officer's chest.
MINI
He's...he's crazy, I told him not
to! I told him to stop!
SINATRA (V.O.)
"Nice and easy does it...every
time."
FADE OUT:
EXT. THE FRONT OF A POLICE STATION - DAY
Mini emerges from the station with her lawyer as a throng of
REPORTERS jostle for a photo.
MINI (V.O.)
Needless to say, my appearance on
Absolutely Positive was the most
sought after clip in every newsroom
in town.
TV VIDEO FOOTAGE OF: Mini at Martin's trial sitting in the
front row.
MINI (V.O.)
The trial was quick. Once Mom's
affair with Rudell came out, the
D.A. realized he had a motive and a
slam dunk.
T
HE FOREWOMAN, an elderly hispanic woman, casts a harsh eye
towards Martin and then reads the verdict.
FOREWOMAN
Guilty.
(CONTINUED)
119.
CONTINUED:
Martin stares straight ahead, showing no emotion as Mini sobs
behind him.
MINI (V.O.)
Since, Rudell was in a coma, the
issue of my relationship with
Martin was moot. Martin realized
trying to pin anything on me would
probably get him the chair.
EXT. THE COURTHOUSE - DAY
Martin, wearing an ORANGE PRISON UNIFORM, is led into a van
by a DEPUTY.
MINI (V.O.)
At his sentencing I begged for
leniency. He got off with ten for
the attempted murder of Rudell and
twenty to life for mom's death.
EXT. THE TANNEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Mini opens the door to find reporters camped on the lawn,
snapping photos. Dozens of bouquets and wreaths are piled up
next to the front door.
MINI (V.O.)
The outpouring of support was
amazing.
A MAILMAN hauls a bag of sympathy cards to the front door.
She leads him inside where he dumps them next to three other
bags full.
EXT. A DUSTY TWO LANE ROAD IN THE CENTRAL VALLEY - DAY
The sun is blistering hot as Mini drives Martin's Mercedes
convertible with the top down.
MINI (V.O.)
Martin's assets were put in a trust
for me and since I was eighteen, I
was allowed to live by myself.
She turns down another road at a sign reading "LOMPOC STATE
PRISON, 5 MILES".
120.
INT. A VISITING ROOM AT LOMPOC - DAY
Mini and Martin sit facing each other behind a plexiglas
barrier. There are dividers between each phone to provide the
prisoners with a little privacy.
MINI
I'm sorry I forgot to bring that
book you wanted.
MARTIN
It's okay, Myou can mail it.
INI
Are you okay? You look like you
haven't showered in days.
MARTIN
(disturbed)
Well...uh...you have to be careful
about sh-...So how's school?
MINI
(excited)
You'll never guess what happened.
MARTIN
What?
MINI
I was voted valedictorian!
MARTIN
But don't you have to be-
MINI
The best student? I know! But the
students took a vote and they said
they wanted me to have it for
demonstrating remarkable courage in
the face of unspeakable loss.
MARTIN
(smiling sadly)
I wonder how the real valedictorian
feels?
MINI
Like slitting his wrists with the
sharp end of a protractor.
(CONTINUED)
121.
CONTINUED:
MARTIN
Is Rudell out of his coma yet?
MINI
I don't know, why?
MARTIN
Why?
(taken aback)
Mini, if he recovers, he may try to
blackmail you with those pictures.
MINI
(nonchalant)
Oh...I wouldn't worry about that.
MARTIN
But if the D.A. got those pictures,
you could-
MINI
I'm pretty sure he won't be doing
anything with them.
He looks suddenly very worried.
MARTIN
Mini, you're not thinking of
sleeping with him to keep him
quiet? Because I've met people in
here who could help us with him, if
it comes to that.
MINI
Help us?
MARTIN
They know people on the outside we
could...pay to make sure he doesn't
try to take advantage of you.
MINI
Oh, gosh, that's so romantic. It's
like you're a real life criminal
with connections and everything,
but I'm a little surprised you
haven't figured it out yet.
MARTIN
What?
(CONTINUED)
122.
CONTINUED: (2)
Mini's eyes glint ever so slightly, as she examines Martin's
face, almost as if he's an animal at the zoo.
MINI
Oh...wow, like I thought you were
just playing along `cause I'm your
only link to the outside world, but
you really don't know?
Martin furrows his brow, confused.
M
INI
Rudell didn't send those pictures.
He suddenly becomes very still, as Mini's lips curl in a thin
smile.
MINI
You remember, Aurelio?
Martin looks at her blankly.
MARTIN
Our cabana boy from Mexico?
Suddenly, it hits him. He looks almost nauseous.
MINI
What a sweetie, I thought I might
have to fuck him, but just giving
him the camera was enough.
His knuckles tighten around the phone.
MARTIN
You...you...
MINI
It was pretty clear Garson wasn't
gonna give up, and sooner or later
he'd find enough to charge us. It
just seemed ridiculous that we'd
both end up suffering.
Martins jaw tightens as his pupils go black.
MINI
Oh, come on, you would've done it
if you thought of it first...you
know I'm right.
The veins start to bulge in his arm holding the phone.
(CONTINUED)
123.
CONTINUED: (3)
MINI
(suddenly switching gears)
Hey, listen, since conjugal visits
are pretty much out of the
question, I thought it would be
cool if we tried a little prison
phone sex.
Martin stares at her, taking deep steady breaths.
MINI
They don't tap these lines, do
they?
(looking around)
I think I might even be able to
open my blouse without anyone
seeing...you ready?
MARTIN
Guard!
MINI
No? Are you sure? I won't be able
to come back for a few weeks.
(mock jealous)
Wait, have you met someone in
here?!
MARTIN
Guard!
MINI
Why, you old dog! I knew you
wouldn't be single in here for
long.
A PRISON GUARD appears behind Martin's stall.
MARTIN
Guard! She did it! She just
admitted it! It was her idea!
MINI
I guess this means I could start
dating around too?
MARTIN
Don't let her leave! She's guilty!
Get the warden!
G
UARD
Okay, that's enough!
(CONTINUED)
124.
CONTINUED: (4)
The guard moves to take the phone from him. Martin clutches
it to his head.
MARTIN
You bitch! You little whore!
MINI
(starting to cry)
Daddy, why are you saying those
things!
The guard struggles to rip the phone away, but Martin holds
on for dear life.
MARTIN
I'm gonna kill you! Do you hear me,
you little bitch!
MINI
(sobbing)
Daddy, stop! I love you! Don't say
that! I love you!
Finally, the guard smashes Martin with a billy club, sending
him sprawling on the floor. Martin screams behind the glass,
but cannot be heard, as the guard hog ties him and drags him
away by his feet.
EXT. A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION CEREMONY - DAY
SENIORS in gowns sit awaiting their diplomas, as PARENTS sit
in the audience, fanning themselves with programs. Mini
stands at the dais, addressing the class.
MINI (V.O.)
...As many of you know, the past
few months of my life have been
very difficult. I don't know how I
would have gotten through it
without all of you. I really think
it is a testament to the love in
this institution, that I stand
before you today, as the first
straight "C" student in school
history voted Valedictorian.
A FEW CHEERS go up from the rowdier students.
MINI (CONT'D)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
125.
CONTINUED:
Again, to Marvin Tepperman, the
real valedictorian, he deserved
this and I want to wish him a
speedy recovery. I spoke to his
doctors today and they say, with
medication and therapy, Marvin
should be able to attend Harvard
this fall.
A polite smattering of applause is heard.
MINI
While I may not have excelled in
the classroom, I think my recent
experiences in that bigger
schoolhouse we call "life", have
taught me a few lessons that I'd
like to share with my fellow
graduates.
Her classmates instinctively lean forward a little to listen.
MINI
Follow your heart and don't
question it, now matter where it
tells you to go. Trust me, it'll
open up a world of new experiences
you can't even imagine.
Principal Andrews nods in approval.
MINI
But as you listen to it, don't
forget your family, your parents.
Don't forget they're people too,
and while we may not always agree
with them, remember to love them
when they need love.
A few PARENTS look almost surprised to hear positive things
said about them.
MINI
(voice breaking)
And I mean really love them, don't
just pay them lip service. Really
do it...Whenever you can.
(holding back tears)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
126.
CONTINUED: (2) MINI(CONT'D)
I know I did, and I just wish my
dad could be here today, so after
this speech I could just walk down
into the audience and give him my
love right here...in front of all
of you. Thank you and good luck.
Mini puts her speech down, gently sobbing, as THE AUDIENCE
ERUPTS. PRINCIPAL ANDREWS moves quickly to console her.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Like I promised, no prom night
highjinks, no nerds becoming
popular, no Shakespeare shoved up
your ass.
MINI'S FELLOW GRADUATES give her a standing ovation. A few
PARENTS become misty-eyed.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And in case you're feeling guilty
about having no one to identify
with but me, relax...
MINI looks out across the crowd and a huge smile ripples
across her face, as she waves to everyone in the golden
sunlight.
MINI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...There's a first time for
everything.
FADE OUT:
THE END
| Mini's First Time
Writers : Nick Guthe
Genres : Comedy Crime Drama
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