PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
Written by
Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg
November 28, 2006
EXT. FARMLAND - DAWN
IN BLACK AND WHITE, A black 1930s Cadillac speeds down
the only visible road amidst endless plains of farmland.
The road curves sharply ahead - the car accelerates.
Ignoring the turn, the Caddy drives directly off the road
and through a massive field of emptiness.
The car abruptly stops in the middle of the vacant field.
GENERAL BRAT (58, a patch covers one of his eyes) and
AGENT BLACK SUIT (an agent in a black suit) step out of
the car.
Although there is clearly nothing in sight for miles, the
General scans his surroundings with concern.
TITLE CARD UP: THE PAST
Agent Black Suit crouches down and pulls open a METAL
HATCH in the ground. Both men walk down the hatch and
into the earth.
INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - MOMENTS LATER
They descend a metal staircase and walk with great
urgency down a narrow corridor. The hallway spills into a
hauntingly huge metal room with a lone SCIENTIST standing
in the middle. The Scientist immediately begins leading
them across the room.
GENERAL BRAT
When did it start?
SCIENTIST
At 05:00. We're seven minutes in.
INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
The three men enter a large room divided by a one-way
mirror.
On their side, numerous SCIENTISTS, utilizing several
archaic devices, are busy at work monitoring the subject
on the other side of the mirror.
The subject: PRIVATE MILLER (22, naive and dutiful) sits
at a small table with a microphone on it. Miller raises
his hand, REVEALING a smoldering JOINT.
2
He takes a long and awkward hit from the joint and bursts
into a coughing fit.
The scientists begin to scribble profusely as their
devices blink manically. General Brat and Agent Black
Suit exchange a concerned look. The General lights a
cigarette as the Scientist steps up to a small microphone
in the corner.
SCIENTIST
(into microphone)
Private Miller, we are now going to ask
you several questions. How do you feel?
His voice booms through large speakers on Miller's side
of the room. Miller leans towards the microphone.
PRIVATE MILLER
Uh, I feel a little queer sir. But...
It's good. Good queer.
(beat)
Sir. Good queer, Sir.
The scientists scribble madly. One of them mumbles into
General Brat's ear.
PRIVATE MILLER (CONT'D)
But...uh...even though I feel queer, Sir,
I should mention that I'm also feeling
quite gay...so, a little queer, but
mostly gay.
SCIENTIST
Private Miller. When you think of your
superiors, what emotions do you feel?
PRIVATE MILLER
(holding out the joint)
This went out...Sir.
SCIENTIST
We will send someone in. Now answer the
question.
A door opens beside Private Miller and an AGENT steps out
wearing an intricate uniform that resembles an old
fashioned diving suit, an air hose leading out the door
that he came from. He slowly walks toward the Private,
who looks at him in shock.
SCIENTIST (CONT'D) (O.S)
(through speakers)
Private Miller? Answer the question.
3
PRIVATE MILLER
Oh...um...what was the question again?
The Agent in the strange suit reaches the private and
holds a lighter up to the joint.
SCIENTIST (O.S.)
(through speakers)
What are your emotions towards your
superiors?
Miller pulls at the joint until it is lit again. The
Agent exits the room.
PRIVATE MILLER
COUGH COUGH Fucking shit.
(beat)
Well, now that I think of it, it's
strange that they are called my
`superiors'. Does that make me their
`inferior'? I mean, that's pretty fucked
up.
General Brat scowls.
GENERAL BRAT
(curtly to the scientists)
I've seen enough. Shut it down. Bury the
hatch, sell the land, and dispose of him.
This never happened.
Instantly, the scientists start packing up their
equipment. Staring at Miller, General Brat grabs a RED
PHONE and dials. Two Agents in the scuba-like suits
emerge from behind Miller and start aggressively dragging
him away.
PRIVATE MILLER
(freaking out)
Hey! What the...what are you guys doing!
Let go of me!
(desperately looking at the
mirror)
Sir!!! Sir!!! Help me!!!
GENERAL
(into phone)
This is General Brat. We've reached a
final conclusion on Item 9.
(beat)
Illegal.
He hangs up the phone.
4
CUT TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD UP: THE PRESENT
INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
DALE DENTON (late 20s, out of shape, slightly unkempt)
looks out of place in his black suit as he drives he sits
in his cluttered and worn old lady car. He smokes a joint
while listening to talk radio.
TALK RADIO DJ
Well, let's look at the facts.
Financially, coins are better because
they're cheaper, and environmentally,
forget-about-it, coins win hands down.
For those just joining us, we're with
caller Dale Denton discussing if America
should lose the paper dollar bill.
We see that Dale has a wireless ear piece in.
DALE
Of course not! Who wants a pocket full of
coins? Seriously. Weighs down your pants,
clangs around. With all this unnecessary
new security everywhere, we'll be setting
off alarms left and right!
TALK RADIO DJ
We certainly do, Mr. Denton. Crude, but
to the point. Next caller!
Dale puts away his phone and pulls up in front of a nice
house.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - MOMENTS LATER
Dale, wearing a name tag that reads "Garth", holding a
clip board and wearing a greenpeace hat, knocks
repeatedly on the door. A woman cautiously answers the
door.
WOMAN
Um, I didn't order a pizza.
DALE
Excuse me, miss? Are you Sandra Danby
5
WOMAN
Uh...yea-
Dale shoves an envelope into her hand.
DALE
Sorry, miss, but you've failed to show up
to your divorce proceedings 4 times under
court order. You've been served.
WOMAN
Oh great! Thanks a lot asshole! Real
clever! Go fuck yourself!
Dale dashes back to his car as the upset woman starts to
open the envelope.
INT. DALE'S CAR - SOON AFTER
Dale is driving and smoking a joint. He looks at his
check list - it is a list of people he served that day.
He's only got a few left. He listens to a different talk
radio dj while playing music from a tiny iPod boom box
that sits in his passenger seat.
TALK RADIO DJ 2
...forget about Area 51, Roswell
sightings, Atlantis and the Boogie Man,
let's talk about real threats, threats to
our home and security...
DALE
Fuckin' eh.
His iPod starts playing HOT STEPPA by INI KAMOZE.
DALE (CONT'D)
Nice! Hot Steppa!
Dale turns down the talk radio and puffs away at his
joint; he enthusiastically dances in his car while
singing along.
DALE (CONT'D)
(singing)
You think you know, chico/I know what Bo,
don't know/touch them up and go - uh oh!/
Chi-chi-ching-chang!!!
6
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER
Dale, wearing a Zerox hat, walks into the building.
SECRETARY
Can I help you?
DALE
Just here to check out some units.
The secretary nods and goes back to her work. Dale
casually waltzes down the office halls looking at the
names on the doors. He glances down at his clipboard, it
read: Walter Tandum.
He finds the office and knocks on the door.
WALTER (O.S.)
Come in.
Dale enters to see Walter, a 40 year old accountant,
seated at his desk.
WALTER (CONT'D)
Oh! Hey there. Are you here to fix the
fax machines?
DALE
Nope.
Dale drops a blue envelope on Walter's desk.
DALE (CONT'D)
You owe American Express $4068 dollars.
Sorry, but you've been served.
Dale turns and walks away. As he does, he notices a small
kitchen. He enters and is delighted at the array of
snacks and beverages. He helps himself.
INT. DALE'S CAR - LATER
Dale is parked at a look-out enjoying the food, smoking
weed and has his ear piece in.
RADIO DJ 3
What gives you the right to say that?
DALE
Everything! They should be able to
collect garbage TWICE a week. Why not?
(MORE)
7
DALE (CONT'D)
As a tax payer, can't I say that? Come
get my garbage a bit more! Is that so f-
ing crazy? I'm not asking for free beer
Tuesday's or anything. And the whole city
would be more aesthetically pleasing and
smell better. And don't pretend you can't
smell it. Ever been to New York? Great
place, smells like piss, though.
(takes a hit and starts
coughing)
Twice a week, cough might fix that.
(starts coughing harder)
Hold on one sec.
EXT. HOSPITAL - LATER
Dale gets out of his car, followed by some plumes of
smoke, and goes to his trunk. He chuckles as he takes out
a lab coat and walks towards the hospital.
INT. HOSPITAL - SOON AFTER
Dale, looking very professional in his lab coat, rushes
to reception.
DALE
I need Dr. Terrence, immediately.
RECEPTIONIST
Of course. One moment.
The receptionist immediately picks up the phone.
INT. HOSPITAL - MOMENTS LATER
DR. TERRENCE runs towards reception, where Dale is still
waiting.
DR. TERRENCE
(to Dale)
Hi there, I don't think we've met, I'm-
DALE
Dr. Edgar Terrence. You're the guy who
repeatedly refused to take care of the
monkey tree that spills onto your
neighbors property. And now, because of
that, you've been served.
8
INT. DALE'S CAR - LATER
Dale hits a pipe. It is clear he strongly disagrees with
what the DJ is saying.
TALK RADIO DJ
...stay in your own country. Five simple
words. And stay the hell out of mine! I'm
not a racist, per se, but I'm not some
hippy tree humper.
We see his ear piece and hear that he is on hold.
DALE
Let me through, damnit.
EXT. HOTEL - VALET
Dale, wearing a chauffeur hat, stands by the main
entrance holding a sign that reads: JOSH CORBER. A man
walks out of the hotel and, seeing the sign, approaches
Dale.
CORBER
My name's Corber.
DALE
You're Joshua Aaron Corber?
CORBER
(overjoyed)
Get out of town! Clarice did this, didn't
she? I was just telling her before I left
how I've never been in a limo. Can you
believe it? 35 and I've never been in a
limo. Man! It's not stretched, is it?
Dale hands him a BLUE ENVELOPE.
DALE
Sorry, but you've been served.
Dale walks away. CORBER opens the envelope and reads it.
CORBER
Ah fuck!
(reads more)
Fuck! You fucking asshole!!! FUCK!
9
Dale completely ignores Corber as he dumps the sign and
walks out of the airport. Then, a huge smile comes across
his face. He has noticed a nearby Burger King.
DALE
(excited)
Hey! Nice. New chicken fries.
He happily walks toward the food.
INT - DALE'S CAR - DAY
Dale sits in his car outside a high school. An array of
Burger King wrappers surrounds him as he rolls a joint
with the last of his weed on top of a Batman comic. He
lights the joint and turns on the radio.
RADIO DJ
...3:09 in the PM and we-
Dale turns off the radio, takes one last haul, and then
snubs out the joint. He then pulls out a small leather
kit and sifts through it's contents: handi-wipes, hand
sanitizer, a little vial of cologne, Visine, mouthwash
and breath mints.
Dale vigorously wipes his hands, face, and mouth with wet
naps and then starts futilely attempting to put visine in
his blazing red eyes. Frustrated, he squirts Visine all
over his finger tips and simply rubs them into his eyes.
He uses the mouthwash, chews up a mint, dabs on some
cologne, and then gets out of the car.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
Dale walks towards the school.
ANGIE
Dale!
Dale turns to see his attractive 19 year old girlfriend,
ANGIE ANDERSON, walking towards him with her group of
friends. She kisses him.
ANGIE (CONT'D)
Mmm. Minty.
ANGIE'S MALE FRIEND
Yo Dale. `sup.
10
DALE
Hey Kyle.
(to Angie)
So, should we head back to my place and
finish up the trilogy? Matrix:
Revolution. Whose it gonna be, Angie? Man
or machine?
ANGIE
Of course. But can we just head to my
locker first? I left some stuff by
mistake.
DALE
Sure.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SOON AFTER
Dale and Angie walk hand in hand towards the locker.
ANGIE
So, are you going to come over for dinner
tomorrow, `cause my parents are beginning
to think I made you up.
DALE
Well, yeah, I really want to meet them.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow...let me
think.
ANGIE
You don't have to feel weird about it.
They know how old you are and they're
fine with it. They just want to meet you
and see that you're a cool guy and that
I'm not dating you just because you're
older.
DALE
Of course. I know that. It's
just...tomorrow's tight. I've got a whole
bunch of cases that I can finish
tomorrow. It's probably going to take me
into the night.
ANGIE
Fuck. Well, then you have to just come
over sometime this week or something,
okay? `Cause it's getting weird for them.
11
DALE
I will. I promise. I'm not trying to
avoid this, for real, I've just been
crazy busy.
TEACHER
Hello? Can I help you?
Dale and Angie turn to see a TEACHER, a guy about the
same age as Dale.
DALE
Pardon?
TEACHER
You can't just waltz in here and hit on
the students. Get out now before I-
ANGIE
Mr. Edwards, he's my boyfriend.
Mr. Edwards looks at Dale, then shoots Angie a confused
look.
MR. EDWARDS
This is your boyfriend? How old are you,
30?
DALE
24.
MR. EDWARDS
And you're dating an 18 year old?
ANGIE
I'm 19. I moved here from Morocco.
Dale doesn't know what to make of Mr. Edwards comments
and looks.
MR. EDWARDS
Alright, well this school is for students
and faculty only. Friends can't just stop
by.
DALE
Dude, you may be a teacher here, but
we're about the same age, so don't get
all high and mighty. It's not that weird.
Frankly, it's natural.
12
MR. EDWARDS
Well, in that case, get off school
property or I'm calling the Police
Liaison officer. Angie, no offense to
you, but if this guy's dating someone
your age, it's because nobody his age
will date him.
Then, four HANDSOME AND FIT STUDENTS walk by.
HANDSOME STUDENT
Hey Angie. You were hilarious in drama
today.
Angie smiles at the guys. Dale doesn't like how all this
is going down.
DALE
I'll wait in the car.
INT. DALE'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Dale and Angie sit in the parked car making out.
ANGIE
So, do you want to get some food?
DALE
No...actually I can't. I have to go serve
a guy.
ANGIE
Now?
DALE
Yeah. It sucks. I'm sorry. We can hang
out later though. You can come over.
ANGIE
We'll see if Neo is truly the one.
They share a long kiss, and Angie gets out of the car.
Dale watches her walk away, then whips out his cell phone
and hits speed dial.
SAUL (O.S.)
(over phone)
Yo?
13
DALE
Yo. It's Dale. Mind if I come by and pick
up some shit?
INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - LATER
SAUL SILVER is constructing a CROSS-SHAPED JOINT (two
joints that intersect one another). Pot and paraphernalia
are scattered all over the coffee table. A large
"Scarface" movie poster hangs on the wall. There is a
knock at the door and Dale enters.
DALE
What's up, Saul.
SAUL
(unpleasantly surprised)
What the fuck?!?
DALE
What?
SAUL
I didn't buzz you in. How the monkey did
you get in here?
DALE
Whoa...sorry, man. someone just let me
in. I-
SAUL
That's fucked up, man! This building is
filled with fuckin' assholes. What else
is the buzzer for? Fuck.
DALE
I'll buzz next time, man. I'm real sorry.
I'm just not familiar with your,
uh...protocol yet.
SAUL
Hey, stuff your sorry's i n a sack, bro.
We're always cool. It's those fuckin'
jaggoffs.
DALE
Um...sure.
Dale awkwardly sits down on the other side of the couch.
14
SAUL
Brass tacs. I've got this new bud.
Unfortunately, it's a few more bones, but
fortunately, it's hands down the dopest
fuckin' shit I ever smoked. And I've
smoked some dope fuckin' shit.
DALE
Better than that Blue Oyster weed?
SAUL
Dude. Seriously. It's like if that Blue
Oyster shit and the Afghan Kush I got had
a baby, and meanwhile, the craziest
Northern Lights and that red-ass Espresso
Snowflake had a baby, and then by some
miracle those babies met, and fucked -
then this would be the shit they'd birth.
Saul pulls out a big bag of weed. He places it on the
coffee table as though it was his child. He pulls out a
large bud.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Smell it.
Dale takes the weed and looks at it. It looks
spectacular. Bright red hairs and large crystals, huge
purple and blue leaves - just spectacular! Dale smells it
and is taken aback.
DALE
What is this? It's spectacular.
SAUL
It's called Pineapple Express. My guy Red
told me it's when this Hawaiian flood
takes special dirt to the weed or some
shit. It's pretty scientific. And I'm the
only guy in the whole city who has it.
And, its only ten bones more for a
quarter.
DALE
So...can I get a quarter?
SAUL
No doubt. Just let me grab my scale.
Saul walks into another room. Dale looks around
anxiously; he clearly wants to go.
15
A moment later, Saul comes back into the room and sits
down. Dale notices that he didn't bring anything back
from the other room. Saul notices Dale looking at him
strangely.
SAUL (CONT'D)
What's with the look? What?
DALE
Where's the scale?
SAUL
Oh shit! The scale. Be right back.
Saul hustles into the other room.
SAUL (O.S.) (CONT'D)
(from other room)
You know what's weird? How sometimes,
your brain just chooses to like, not keep
things in it, you know?
(beat)
Fucking scale.
(beat)
Shit. Where is it?
Dale checks his watch and then looks at the door;
suddenly, something catches his eye - it's the cross-
joint Saul was constructing.
DALE
Holy shit! What the fuck is this thing?
Saul comes back in and puts a small electronic scale on
the coffee table.
SAUL
(nonchalantly)
Ah, the cross-joint. You've never seen
one of these? Not surprising. They are,
like, the apex of the vortex of joint
engineering. NASA built the first one in
the eighties.
Saul chuckles at his joke as he places some weed on the
scale.
DALE
You can actually smoke that contraption?
Saul puts Dale's weed in a baggie.
16
SAUL
You light all three ends at the same
time, then, you smoke it as it resonates
the main section, creating a "trifecta"
of smoking power. It's like, three times
as powerful as a normal joint.
Dale hands Saul some money and Saul gives him his weed.
Dale lingers for a moment.
DALE
Well, be careful with that thing.
Dale gets up and heads to the door.
SAUL
Dude...you wanna smoke this thing with
me?
Dale turns around. He clearly wants to smoke it, but he
tries to play it cool.
SAUL (CONT'D)
I can't even light it on my own.
Dale sits back down on the couch, giddy as a schoolgirl.
DALE
(excited)
Wow. So like, uh...so like, so like what
do I do?
Saul gathers three lighters from the coffee table.
SAUL
Alright. Firstly you light these two
ends. Then I will light the tip, making
the trifecta complete. Are you ready?
Dale nods and they light the joint. Saul tokes hard;
plumes of smoke fill the air as he bursts into a COUGHING
FIT.
DALE
Holy...
Dale takes the joint and hits it, exploding into a
coughing fit.
SAUL
It's...uh, it's good to cough. COUGH It
opens the COUGH capillaries...gets you
twenty-five percent higher.
(MORE)
17
SAUL (CONT'D)
And that, combined with the pineapple
weed, and the cross-joint COUGH you're
a good thirty to forty times higher. I
don't know the exact math, but, pff,
you're pretty fucking gong-showed. You
know what I mean?
Saul takes a toke. Dale coughs HARDER and HARDER. He
seems like he might throw up.
SAUL (CONT'D)
It's crazy. The better the weed, the more
I wish I could think of how to explain
what's so good about it, but the...uh,
the better it is, the less shit I can
think of in total, you know?
Saul passes Dale the joint, obliviously dropping ash all
over his suit. Slightly agitated, Dale brushes it off.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Okay, so, like, you've been buying from
me for, like, a few months now and I
really gotta ask.
(beat)
What's with the suit?
DALE
I'm a process server.
SAUL
You`re a servant? Like, a butler.
DALE
No, process server.
Saul looks confused.
DALE (CONT'D)
I'm hired to give people papers they
don't want. It's pretty much the easiest
job on earth.
SAUL
Nice, man. Where'd you get that job?
Dale takes a big hit from the joint.
DALE
Well...uh, I got a totally useless degree
two years ago, then I did nothing for a
year, then my dad got so fed up he hooked
me up.
18
They both revel in the thought.
DALE (CONT'D)
I got it pretty sweet, though. Today? I
smoked like five joints, gave out some
pieces of paper, and I ate some Burger
King-
SAUL
Hey man, did you get those new chicken
fries?
Dale passes the join to Saul.
DALE
Yeah man. I'd get on that shit. They're
fucking mind blowing. So, then I hot-
boxed my car and then...got some action
from my girlfriend.
Saul laughs at this.
SAUL
Does she smoke pot?
DALE
A little. She's in high school.
SAUL
That's fuckin' sweet! Ilegal love! You're
like Jerry Lee Lewis. I just read his
biography.
DALE
No, no. She's 19.
SAUL
(dissappointed)
Oh. It's still cool I guess.
DALE
Yeah, it's awesome, although I think
she's getting old enough where she's
realizing I don't do much. And these high
school guys these days. They're all
roided out and going to Harvard. Even on
my best days, I look like a fat, dumb
piece of shit next to them.
SAUL
Whatever, man. It sounds like you got it
pretty good. I wish I had a job that
easy. Fuck.
19
DALE
Dude...you've got, like, the actual
easiest job in the world.
SAUL
Hey! You're right, man. I never thought
of it like that.
DALE
You can actually do whatever the hell you
want. You get to sleep all day and people
come buy weed at night.
Dale passes Saul the joint.
SAUL
That's totally true. Except tomorrow.
Thanks to that bitch daylight savings, I
gotta go change my grandma's clocks
forward at 7am. Or 8am. I seriously can't
figure it out.
DALE
Sorry to hear that.
Saul passes Dale the joint.
SAUL
Yo, so, like, what have these people done
that you go after?
DALE
Let's see...tonight I'm going after-
Dale pulls a blue envelope out of his pocket.
DALE (CONT'D)
Ted Jones. He forgot to pay his-
SAUL
Dude! My guy, Red, gets his weed from a
Ted Jones. He's, like, #1 supplier in
town. Maybe it's him!
DALE
I doubt that, man. There's probably a lot
of Ted Joneses's out there.
SAUL
Yeah, but not like this one, man! He's
what I want to be one day. He's like the
"Jesus of Weed". So...I guess he's like
Jah. Or Scarface.
20
Saul points to his Scarface poster. The joint ends. After
a few moments it seems as though their ability to have a
conversation burnt out with the joint. They sit in
awkward silence. Dale gets up.
DALE
Well Saul, that was crazy. Thanks.
SAUL
No worries dude, peace.
They slap each other five and Dale exits. Saul turns on
the TV. Saved By the Bell is on. It makes Saul chuckle.
INT. DALE'S CAR - NIGHT
Dale cruises down side streets and locates Ted's house.
It is a large well-to-do home. Having difficulties, Dale
parks in between two cars across the street. He turns off
the engine and starts smoking a joint. SUDDENLY - FLASH!
Two head lights appear up the street. Holy shit! It's a
COP CAR!
He sits still, holding the joint between his legs as the
cop car drives past and...parks a few cars down! The
FEMALE COP walks up the block - TOWARDS DALE'S CAR!
DALE
Oh shit on me.
Fortunately, the COP crosses the street and walks towards
Ted's house. Confused, Dale watches as she is let in.
Dale waits a moment and then re-lights the joint. He
tries to see into Ted's house as he takes a MASSIVE TOKE.
BANG! A SILENCE SHATTERING BLAST comes from Ted's house.
Dale holds the toke in and tries to keep quiet as he
focuses on the large front window. SUDDENLY, the drapes
are torn down by an ASIAN MAN as he falls forwards and
crashes through the front window!
Dale watches in horror as a LARGE GREY-HAIRED MAN and the
Female Cop step forward and shoot the Asian man! BLAM!
BLAM! Blood splatters!
Dale starts COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY! He starts the car
and, in a panicked fit, tries to pull out. CRASH!!! He
smashes directly into the car in front of him! He flicks
the roach out onto the grass and slams the car in reverse
- CRUNCH!!! He backs into the car behind him! Still
hacking his lungs out, Dale drives away!
21
The Grey-Haired Man and the Female Cop sprint out of the
house in time to see Dale's distant tail lights vanish
into the darkness. Something catches the Grey-Haired
Man's eye - a trail of smoke rising from the grass. He
lowers his blood-stained hand and picks up...DALE'S
ROACH! He brings it to his nose and sniffs, then rips
open the paper and examines the weed closely.
TED
Pineapple Express.
INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Saul is laying on his couch watching Saved By the Bell,
laughing so hard that he's crying.
SAUL
Ha! Ha! Ha! Screech.
Suddenly, the BUZZER sounds repeatedly.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(mumbles)
Fucking hell.
He grudgingly walks to the intercom and presses talk.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Hello?
He presses listen.
DALE (O.C.)
(through intercom)
...me in! Let me in! Let me in! Let me
in! It's Dale! Let m--
Saul casually presses the talk button.
SAUL
(annoyingly casual)
Denton? Dale Denton?
He smiles to himself, then presses listen.
DALE (O.C.)
(through intercom)
...the love of shit, let me in! Pleeea-
Annoyed, Saul buzzes him in and unlocks the door.
22
SAUL
(to himself)
...fucking, don't smoke that shit if you
can't handle it.
A moment later, Dale, completely freaking out, BURSTS
through the door and SLAMS it shut.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(startled)
Dude, whoa. What the fuck are-
DALE
He fucking killed him, man!
SAUL
Be quiet, man, I got neighbors-
DALE
(quietly)
He killed him!
SAUL
(loud)
Somebody killed somebody?!?
DALE
Yeah, man! I can't believe it. A cop! A
lady, and a guy.
SAUL
Somebody killed a cop, a lady and a guy?
DALE
No! A guy!
SAUL
A cop killed a guy?
DALE
No! A cop and a guy killed another guy!
The lady and the guy...No, a fucking
woman, a police woman, and an old guy,
shot a guy, a younger guy, in the fucking
window at Ted's house!
SAUL
Was the guy Ted?
DALE
Which guy?
23
SAUL
I don't know, the old guy who shot the
guy?
DALE
I don't fucking know. He was this big,
old, grey haired guy with a gun, and he
fucking took him, and he shot him! Right
there in the fucking window! BAM!
SAUL
I heard Ted's got grey hair!
DALE
And they saw me! They saw me see them
shoot the guy!
Saul jumps to his feet.
SAUL
What!?! They saw you?!? Why the fuck did
you come here? Did they follow you?!?
Saul dashes to the window and peeks out.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Did they follow you here!?!
DALE
No! I panicked. I was having a coughing
fit, I crashed, I crashed into a car.
Fuck, two cars. They must've heard at
least. They knew someone was there.
SAUL
But they don't know it's you?
DALE
No. I don't think so. No.
SAUL
So...they're not coming here?
Dale shakes his head, on the verge of tears. Saul shrugs,
sits back down, then picks up his joint and re-lites it.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Cool. So, what's your game-plan? You
gonna call the cops? Cause if you do, I'd
appreciate it if you left my shit out of
this shit.
24
DALE
I'm not calling the cops - one of them
was a cop. They could all be cops!
SAUL
Did you see any blood? Was it sick?
DALE
Yeah. I saw some blood.
SAUL
I wonder who the guy he shot was?
DALE
I don't know, who do drug dealers kill?
It was probably another drug dealer. He
was Asian. Are there Asian drug dealers.
SAUL
Hell yeah, man. The Koreans teamed up
with, like, the Vietnamese or some shit.
They're crazy mother fuckers. Number two
in town.
(beat)
Heh. Ted's cappin' the competition. Yo,
you want some of this?
Saul passes Dale the joint. Dale takes the joint and
frantically smokes as he paces.
SAUL (CONT'D)
So, like, exactly what was the sequence
of happenings?
DALE
I'm sitting across from Ted's smoking a
massive joint of that weed you sold me-
SAUL
Oh, the Pineapple Express. It's so rare
it's almost a shame to smoke it, like
killing a unicorn...with, like, a bomb.
DALE
When I threw it...out...the window...
Dale stops pacing and stares at Saul. He then looks down
at the joint of pineapple weed. Saul notices wheels
turning in Dale's head.
SAUL
What?
25
Dale continues staring at the joint.
DALE
This weed is actually that rare?
SAUL
(proudly)
Yeah, it's like, "the rarest".
DALE
So, you are actually the only guy in town
with this weed?
SAUL
Fuckin' rights, I am. Red told me he was
giving me an "exclusive sneak preview".
DALE
And am I the only guy you gave it to?
SAUL
Yeah. So, we're the only guys.
DALE
But, like, another dealer, couldn't
identify it, the pineapple weed? Like, if
they found a roach of it, right?
Saul thinks for a moment.
SAUL
I could. Why?
DALE
(panicking)
We should go, we shouldn't be here! We
should go!
SAUL
No...seriously, why?
DALE
I left a roach of this weed in front of
Ted's house!
SAUL
So what? I leave roaches all over fucking
town.
26
DALE
No, listen - they could find the roach
and say, "This is pineapple weed, Saul's
the only guy in town who has pineapple
weed, therefore he must have witnessed
the murder or know who did - let's go
kill him."
Finally, Saul understands.
SAUL
Mother of fuck!
He SPRINGS to his feet and BOLTS for the door.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Let's go!
Dale grabs Saul and stops him.
DALE
Wait!
SAUL
Why!?! Let go of me! Let's get the fuck
out of here!
DALE
Saul, wait! Grab anything we might need,
like your weed and money and stuff.
Saul grabs his bag of weed and shoves it in his backpack.
They run for the door.
DALE (CONT'D)
Are you sure you're not forgetting
anything?
SAUL
Yes! Come on!
INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Saul and Dale run to the elevator and frantically press
the button, terrified for their lives.
SAUL
Fuck! I forgot something!
Saul runs back to his apartment, leaving Dale alone and
frightened. Saul BURSTS back out of his apartment holding
his cell.
27
SAUL (CONT'D)
Dude, I was so scared going back, I
thought there was gonna be guys there,
and then you'd be gone, and there was
this music in my head-
DALE
We'll take the stairs, it'll be faster.
They scramble towards the distant stairwell. Almost at
the door, they hear the DING of the elevator arriving.
DALE (CONT'D)
Go back! Go back!
They DASH back to the elevator. Dale shoves his arm
between the doors and they hop in. Saul rapidly presses
the LOBBY button as the doors shut. They're both on the
verge of hyperventilating.
DALE (CONT'D)
Okay, man. We gotta try to relax.
SAUL
Why?!?
DALE
We don't want to draw attention.
SAUL
(freaking out)
Whose attention!?! You think they could
be down there? In the Lobby? Right now!?!
DALE
I don't know! Who knows? Just try to be
cool.
DING The elevator SUDDENLY STOPS on the second floor.
DALE (CONT'D) SAUL
Oh my god!!! Ahhh!!!
The doors OPEN! There's no one there. The doors close.
SAUL
What the fuck was that?
DALE
That was bad - Calm! Calm! Calm!
The elevator stops at the lobby and the doors open, they
step out, bumping into two rough looking guys.
28
DALE (CONT'D)
Oh. Pardon.
Dale and Saul quickly leave as the bikers enter the
elevator.
INT. SAUL'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
The rough looking guys, BUDLOFSKY and MATHESON, kick in
Saul's door and dash into the room, guns drawn. Matheson
spots a smoldering joint in the ashtray.
MATHESON
Look.
Budlofsky whips out his cell and hits speed dial.
BUDLOFSKY
Ted? He's gone, but he was just here. I
think he knew we were coming.
INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Dale peels out of his spot and down the road.
DALE
Okay, what do you know about Ted?
SAUL
What? Ted? Nothing. For all I know he's
tracking us with space satellites right
now! He's got grey hair, that's all I
knew.
Saul checks behind them.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Let's go to your place.
DALE
No way! What if they did see my license
plate!?!
SAUL
Okay, so let's got to a hotel, or a
motel, or a Holiday Inn.
DALE
Well, how much money do we have?
29
SAUL
All I've got is the seventy-five you gave
me.
DALE
That's it!?!
SAUL
Well, how much money do you have?
While Dale gets out his wallet, Saul opens Dale's change
tray. It's full of roaches.
DALE
Uh...nine bucks.
SAUL
Well, shut up then! I've got more than
you!
DALE
Fine. Forget the hotel.
A tense beat.
SAUL
I wish we could just go nowhere.
DALE
Okay...where's nowhere?
EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
The car is parked on a small dirt path in the moon-lit
woods. Dale paces back and forth as Saul walks over.
DALE
So what do we know? Nothing. We may or
may not be followed because we don't even
know if he found the roach or not. And,
we could just be completely crazy. But,
the question is this: even if he found
the roach, how could he know where you
were?
SAUL
(thrilled)
He couldn't. Cause I'm in the woods. It's
impossible! Unless he's, like, hanging on
the bottom of the car or some shit, but I
mean-
30
DALE
No, what I mean is, if Ted found the
roach and identified the weed, how could
he connect it to you?
SAUL
There's no way. He could only find out
from Red.
DALE
Who is this Red guy?
SAUL
Red's pretty much a middleman between Ted
and guys like me. And we're mad fucking
tight. One time he convinced some girl he
knew to give me a hand-job within, like,
five minutes of me meeting her.
DALE
But let's say someone calls asking who he
sold this pineapple weed to, he'll say
you, because...why wouldn't he?
SAUL
Fuck that. That's bullshit. He would have
called me if that happened. A hand-job,
Dale! Imagine if I'd gotten you a hand
job by now!
DALE
Yeah, but Saul, he's a fucking drug
dealer.
SAUL
So? I'm a fuckin' drug dealer. What, you
don't trust me then?
Saul stares at Dale, who doesn't know how to respond.
DALE
Um...I...call him. Yeah, sure, call him.
SAUL
Thank you!
Pleased, Saul pats Dale on the back.
DALE
You're right. You are. I'm just being
paranoid. Sorry, dude.
31
Saul takes his cell phone out and presses speed dial. We
hear someone pick up.
RED (O.S.)
(through phone)
Ow! Hello?
SAUL
Yo, Red. You okay man?
RED (O.S.)
Saul! Oh. I, uh...stubbed my toe.
Red sounds nervous.
SAUL
Dude, watch the toes. Wear shoes in the
house. But Red, I gotta get straight to
brass tacs, I need a favor.
RED (O.S.)
Sure man, anything. I'm Red.
SAUL
You sure as fuck are, buddy. So, you know
how you gave me some of that pineapple
express stuff? Don't tell anyone you gave
it to me.
RED (O.S.)
Sure man, no problem. Red swears it,
hombre.
SAUL
So, can I come on over now?
Dale waves his hands in front of Saul's face.
DALE
(louldy whispering)
No! We should do it tomorrow!
SAUL
(covering phone, talks to
Dale)
I'm in the middle of a convo, man. Let's
just go and get this shit over with.
DALE
Come on, man. Tomorrow. I'm scared
shitless. I want to think things through
before I do anything. Let's go in the
morning. Please.
32
Saul looks around the dark forest.
SAUL
Yeah...okay. Less scary shit happens in
the day.
Dale nods.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Red?
RED (O.S.)
(talking to someone else)
-I can hear him talking to someone, so-
Yo! Saul? So, you're gonna come by in the
morning?
SAUL
Yeah, right after I see my grandma.
RED (O.S.)
Sure, your Grandma's retirement home- Ow!
Fuckin' stupid god-damn toe. I, uh, is
that the one on Granville and 41st.
SAUL
Yeah man. I've only got one. So, we'll be
chillin' by noon.
Saul gives Dale the thumbs up.
RED (O.S.)
Well, cool brother. Noon it is.
SAUL
We should definitely hit up the casino
again sometime.
RED (O.S.)
For sure. We should definitely hit up the
casino.
Saul hangs up the cell.
SAUL
Nice. Now let's do some fucking stone
cold chilling. I'll role a jigga, on the
house.
33
INT. RED'S APARTMENT - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
RED, 30, stalky and short, sits between the BUDLOFSKY and
MATHESON
BUDLOFSKY
Why isn't he coming now? What did you
say?
RED
(incredibly afraid)
I didn't say shit, man! There was another
guy there and he said tomorrow!
MATHESON
Why did he mention the casino? The Asians
run the casinos. Is Saul Asian?
RED
No, man!
This worries the thugs.
MATHESON
This might be more than we thought.
BUDLOFSKY
Than you thought. I thought it would be
more than you did. I'll call Ted.
EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
SAUL
I always liked smoking weed in the
forest.
Saul lights a joint and starts smoking. He passes it to
Dale. Dale puffs. They look around at their expansive,
dark surroundings and immediately become overwhelmed with
paranoia. Saul notices a shooting star zip across the sky
as Dale takes out his cell phone.
DALE
I'm going to go call Angie. Make up some
bull shit.
As Dale dials, Saul, paranoid from the pot, looks at his
cell phone. He takes another hit, and then looks up to
the sky again. He looks back at Dale's phone. Dale starts
to walk off.
34
SAUL
Dale...wait!
Saul snubs out the joint and runs over to Dale.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Yeah, the phone...I mean, I don't know
how this shit works, but...can cops...
you said they might be cops...could they
triangulate our phones or trace `em or
some shit like that? I don't know. I feel
like I've seen that.
Dale stares at Saul, then flips open his phone - beep
SAUL (CONT'D)
I mean, shit Dale, maybe they can trace
them when we're not even on them!
Dale takes a hit as he looks up to the sky. Just then, a
loud rumbling noise is heard.
DALE
What the fuck is that?!
The rumbling gets louder.
DALE (CONT'D)
Are we on fucking "Lost"?! What the hell
is that?!
SAUL
It's them!!!
The noise builds to a deafening crescendo as the guys
dive behind a tree stump. A moment later, a JUMBO JET
buzzes overhead, heading towards the nearby airport. Dale
and Saul pop up.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Holy fuck. That was close.
DALE
(clutching cell phone)
You know what? You're right. We should
just get rid of them. We should just
smash `em.
Dale looks at his phone, which is a new, expensive Razor.
DALE (CONT'D)
Fuck. I just bought this thing. Maybe I
can just take the batteries out?
35
SAUL
No! Smash it!
Dale sighs, then SMASHES his phone on a rock. Saul looks
at Dale, then HURLS his phone into the woods as hard as
he can, sending it SAILING into the FOREST.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Shit!
DALE
What the fuck was that?!
Dale tosses the joint aside.
SAUL
Fuck! I was trying to throw it at that
tree!
DALE
What tree?
SAUL
That one.
Saul points out a group of trees about 30 feet away.
SAUL (CONT'D)
It was a cheap piece of shit. Came free
with the plan. It must've smashed when it
landed.
DALE
Who the fuck knows?!? I don't know!! Why
couldn't you have just smashed it on a
rock like a normal person?
SAUL
I was trying to smash it! How often does
a guy smash things? I'm rusty. Fuck.
DALE
Did you at least see where it landed?
SAUL
Over there, somewhere. Wait! We could
call it!
DALE
With what? I just smashed my phone!
They look into the scary dark depths of the woods. Both
of them are clearly terrified.
36
SAUL
Man, it's not like they got McGuyver
workin' on the case. I bet they can't
even triangulate it.
DALE
Well, then you shouldn't have said
anything, cause now you've convinced me
that they can!
SAUL
Fine! Fine. Let's just find the stupid
thing and get back to doing what we were
doin'.
Horrified, they cautiously inch into the forest.
DALE
Do you see it?
SAUL
Dude, this is the scariest place I've
ever been in my life.
They nervously walk on.
SAUL (CONT'D)
You ever see that movie where all the
people are in the woods and they slowly
get killed?
DALE
The "Blair Witch Project."
SAUL
No...Shit. That one's way scarier than
the one I was thinking of. Mine had
Arnold Shwartzenegger in it. Now I'm
thinking of the fucking Blair Witch.
They inch forward, nervous.
DALE
(whispering)
Stop!
They both freeze.
SAUL
(whispering)
What-
37
DALE
(whispering)
Sshh!
SAUL
(whispering)
What is-
DALE
(whispering)
Sshh! Can you hear that?
SAUL
(whispering)
What?
DALE
(whispering)
Just listen.
Saul listens.
SAUL
(whispering)
I literally hear nothing.
(gasp)
Wait...
SUDDENLY, Saul SPRINTS off into the darkness!
DALE
SAUL!!!
Dale looks in horror as Saul vanishes amongst the trees.
SAUL(O.S.)
(screaming in pain)
ARGHHH!!!
Dale hears a loud THUD.
Scared for his life, he SPRINTS in the opposite
direction! He weaves in between the trees, avoids some
rocks and tree roots, stumbles on some loose dirt, then
SLAMS half his body against a tree and FALLS HARD.
ANGLE ON: SAUL
Saul gets up, covered in dirt. Panting, he looks around
the forest and sees no one. He thinks he hears something
and SPRINTS off! WHAM! He trips on a tree root and SLAMS
into the ground.
38
ANGLE ON: DALE
Dale stumbles to his feet while futilely trying to wipe
the dirt off his suit.
DALE
Shit.
Saul hears Dale and whips around, breaking a twig -
CRACK
Dale looks towards the noise, then SPRINTS off.
Saul hears someone and BOLTS in the opposite direction.
Like chickens with their heads cut off, they both
scramble through the woods trying to evade their
imaginary enemies.
Dale spots his car! He jumps in and SLAMS the door shut.
He's about to turn the ignition, but stops. Panting and
wheezing, he sinks into his seat.
BAM! Something slams into the car.
DALE (CONT'D)
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Dale sees Saul BANGING against the passenger side door.
SAUL
(muffled through the window)
Let me in! Let me in!
Dale unlocks the car and Saul JUMPS in.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Let's go! Go!
DALE
Is there anyone even out there?!?
SAUL
I don't know!
DALE
If you don't know then why the hell did
you run like that?!?
SAUL
I don't know! I'm freaking out, man!
Let's just go!
39
DALE
No! We're not going anywhere!
SAUL
But there could be something out there!
DALE
There's nothing out there, that's why
we're here. God, man, you scared the
fucking shit out of me.
SAUL
Well, I'm not getting out of the car. I'm
staying in the car.
A moment of silence. They both look around. There is
clearly nothing out there. Dale turns on the car. Talk
radio comes on.
RADIO DJ
-white accent walls would go nice with a
dark colored room, say a burnt sienna,
but don't forget...
SAUL
Talk radio? You fuckin' joshin' me? Why
don't we just shoot ourselves in the
nuts?
DALE
Shut up, okay? It's my car.
SAUL
Fine. Well, I'm going to smoke a joint
before I go to sleep, and don't worry
about it, even though you're being a
dick, it's on the house.
DALE
Don't do me any fucking favors. I got my
own.
SAUL
Thanks to me!
DALE
Shut up.
Dale and Saul start rolling separate joints.
40
INT. DALE'S CAR - THE NEXT DAY
Dale slowly wakes up. He stretches, and then shakes Saul.
DALE
Saul. Saul. Get up. Wake up.
Saul opens his eyes and realizes where he is.
SAUL
Fuck me.
DALE
What's the time?
SAUL
(groggy)
It's too early.
Saul brings his wrist up close to his eyes.
SAUL (CONT'D)
It's...
Saul stares at his watch, confused.
SAUL (CONT'D)
This can't be right.
DALE
What does it say?
SAUL
It says, uh...
Saul looks outside towards the sun.
SAUL (CONT'D)
It couldn't be three in the morning,
could it?
DALE
It's three o'clock!?! We were supposed to
be there at noon!
SAUL
(excited)
Wait! My grandma's clocks! It's daylight
savings!
(beat)
Fuck! No! They go forwards an hour!
Dammit-
41
DALE
It's four o'fucking clock?!
SAUL
-I didn't go to my Grandma's! Fuck! And
we've gotta call Red.
DALE
(angry)
How?
Dale digs in his pockets for the keys.
SAUL
We'll find a pay pho...fuck! His number
was in my phone!
Dale notices the keys are in the ignition.
DALE
You remember where he lives, right?
SAUL
Yes, I remember. What the hell is that
supposed to mean? Are you insinuating I'm
forgetful? That's right, I know the word
insinuating.
DALE
Let's just get out of here.
He turns the keys. NOTHING. He tries again. NOTHING.
DALE (CONT'D)
What the fuck? Come on.
He tries twice more, but nothing happens.
DALE (CONT'D)
(pissed off)
I think the battery's dead.
SAUL
Are you fucking serious?
He tries again.
DALE
It's dead.
SAUL
It's dead?
42
Dale shoots Saul an angry look.
SAUL (CONT'D)
What the fuck happened? How did this
happen?
DALE
How? We fell asleep!
SAUL
Yeah. With your stupid talk radio. No
surprise, that stuffs, like, made to put
people to sleep.
Frustrated, Dale tries to gather his thoughts.
DALE
We gotta...let's just...we'll walk. We'll
walk to a road and hitchhike to Red's.
SAUL
For real?
Dale opens his door and hops out.
DALE
Yeah, "for real". We'll be late, but
we'll get there. Then we can fix this
insane situation.
MONTAGE:
- Dale and Saul walk down a seemingly unused forest road,
each smoking their own joint.
- Saul points out a giant caterpillar crawling on a leaf.
Dale is grossed out. Saul pokes the caterpillar and then
blows weed smoke onto it.
DALE (CONT'D)
Stop fucking around, man. Come on. Leave
that thing alone.
- They emerge at the highway and try to hitch a ride.
- Dale notices Saul has his thumb sticking out of his
zipper.
SAUL
It's like, my thumb is my cock!
Dale doesn't laugh.
43
- Bored and tired, they wait. Saul lights a joint. Dale
notices. Saul shifts his body away from Dale. Just then,
an eighteen wheeler slows for them. Saul snubs out the
freshly lit joint and puts it in his pocket.
EXT. RED'S HOUSE - LATER
Dale and Saul get out of the eighteen wheeler.
SAUL
(to the driver)
Thanks a fucking ton, Sharid.
Saul shuts the door and he and Dale run towards Red's
house - a small, dilapidated place in a rundown part of
town. Exhausted, Dale and Saul reach Red's door. Saul
knocks.
DALE
So, what's this guy like?
SAUL
I don't know. He's short...and stout. So
he's like a tea pot. Hehe.
DALE
Well, do you think he'll be there?
SAUL
I don't know, I mean, we are only...eight
hours late.
(beat)
That's actually pretty late.
RED (O.S.)
(through door)
Who is it?
SAUL
Red! It's Saul. Open up.
Red opens the door. He has a SPLIT LIP and has clearly
been CRYING. He tries to act normal. Dale immediately
suspects something is up.
RED
(sniffling)
Who's this guy?
DALE
Dale. Nice to meet you.
44
Red ushers them in and shuts the door.
RED
Dale who?
DALE
I think it's better if you don't know my
last-
SAUL
(oblivious)
Dale Denton. He's with me. No worries.
Red notices their dirty clothes.
RED
(to Saul)
What happened to your clothes? Where'd
you call me from, man?
Dale notices Red quivering as he lights a cigarette and
becomes increasingly suspicious.
SAUL
We were in the forest laying low.
Thinking.
DALE
Uh, Red...what...uh, is your lip okay?
Saul finally notices Red's dishevelled appearance.
SAUL
Whoa! Dude, have you been crying?
RED
What? Oh, I uh...
(feeling his split lip)
...I got a cold sore, I've never got one
before. I started crying.
SAUL
A cold sore? Is that fucking herpes?
RED
...uh, yeah, man.
SAUL
Ewwww! That's sick, man. Do you know how
many joints we've shared? I told you,
man. This is from that time you ate the
lollypop straight from the strippers sna-
45
DALE
Saul. Ask him.
SAUL
(to Dale)
Okay, Captain Demando. Can you just chill
out, maybe? So, Red. I gotta ask-
RED
Okay, first of all, stop. What's this all
about? That's what I want to know.
SAUL
Alright. Well, Dale's a servant for
protest lawyers, and-
DALE
Whoa, whoa! Saul, I don't think...well,
Red, I don't mean to be rude but I don't
think we should tell you any more than
you need to know.
RED
Fuck that, Dale. This is my house, I
deserve to know.
SAUL
Dude! Let's just tell him. It is his
house.
DALE
Look. Red, I just don't want to pull you
into the shit we're in. It's just
trouble.
SAUL
Don't be weird about this. If he wants
trouble, it's his right to have it.
RED
Whoa! Whoa! I don't want trouble.
DALE
That's why we only need to clarify one
thing - nobody's called about Saul or the
pineapple express or anything like that?
RED
No one. Nada.
46
SAUL
Awesome! Look at that! Everything's fine.
We had a crazy night in the woods, which
I assume we can both put behind us like
grown ups, and now we can use Red's giant
bong to get super-duper high.
Dale doesn't seem convinced. Saul picks up Red's huge
bong and starts to pack a bit of Red's weed into it.
RED
Alright, well, wicked. Make yourselves at
home. I'm just going to use the ol'
telephone-o.
Saul sits down and picks up a lighter as Red walks
towards the phone. Dale watches Red, suspicious of his
odd behavior. Red begins to dial...
SMACK! Dale knocks the phone out of Red's hand.
RED (CONT'D)
What the fuck!
Saul jumps up. Dale SNATCHES the phone and backs up.
DALE
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
SAUL
Dale! What the fuck are you doing?
DALE
(to Saul)
We can't let him call anyone! He's acting
weird!
RED
Fuck you man - this is my house!
DALE
I'm sorry. I just, I don't think I can-
SAUL
Dale! You fucking nut. You're stoned and
paranoid. Just chill the shit out, guy!
(to Red)
I'm sorry, Red. I shouldn't have brought
this guy over here, he's a total lunatic.
Without warning, Red grabs a LARGE ASHTRAY filled with
cigarette butts and WHIPS it at Dale. BAM! It smashes him
in the head!!!
47
DALE
(in pain)
AAAHHH!
Ash EXPLODES everywhere as Dale drops the phone and
clutches his head.
SAUL
Holy cock!
Red approaches the cowering Dale. Saul intercedes.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Dude! He's sorry! Wait!
Red PUNCHES Saul in the face! Saul SCREAMS and drops to
the ground.
SAUL (CONT'D)
WHY!?!?!
Dale snatches the phone and scurries into the bathroom,
slamming the door behind him.
INT. RED'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Disoriented, Dale scans the small bathroom. Saul and Red
can be heard fighting outside.
SAUL (O.S.)
Dude, we're friends, what the fuck is
wrong with you? Ow! Dude! Are you fucked
off that shit again!?! Ow!
RED (O.S.)
I have to! They'll kill me!!! Please
don't fight!
A loud CRASH is heard from the other room.
SAUL
AAAHHHHHH!!!
Dale throws the phone in the toilet bowl and smacks down
the seat. He runs back to help Saul.
INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Red is BEATING the shit out of Saul.
48
SAUL
Why, man!?! Why!
RED
I'M SORRY!!!
Saul manages to stand up when Red boots him in the BALLS!
He SHRIEKS and stumbles backwards. Dale dashes into the
room and LEAPS onto Red's back. Red wobbles forward, then
starts RUNNING BACKWARDS. He trips on his coffee table
and CRASHES Dale through it, landing on top of him. Red
gets up, sprints into the bathroom and locks the door.
With great effort, Dale and Saul manage to get up.
DALE
He's going for the phone! Bathroom!
INT. RED'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Frantically searching for the phone, Red flips the toilet
seat up and grabs it. He begins to dial as Dale and Saul
sprint down the hall.
Just as Red is about to finish dialing, Dale and Saul
CRASH into the bathroom door! They knock it completely
off it's hinges, SLAMMING it directly into Red! The phone
flies into the bathtub.
DALE
(pointing at the phone)
SAUL!!! Phone!!!
Saul jumps into the bathtub and begins STOMPING the
phone. Dale continuously SLAMS his body against the door
in an attempt to keep Red pinned down.
SAUL
What the fuck Red!?! What the fuck is
going on!?!
RED
I don't know!!! They're going to kill
me!!!
SAUL
You didn't stub your toe, did you?
Red stops struggling and tries to catch his breath. Dale
kneels on top of the door, keeping him pinned.
DALE
Now tell us-
49
RED
They're gonna come back and kill me!!!
In an impressive show of strength, Red shoves the door
off him, knocking Dale aside. He runs.
INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Saul chases Red and TACKLES him into a wall. Dale follows
seconds later, and notices Red's LARGE GLASS BONG. He
looks back to see Saul getting pummelled.
SAUL
DALE! HELP!
Dale grabs the bong and swings around - CRASH!!! It
shatters on the back of Red's head.
Red falls to the ground moaning, blood dripping from his
head. Dale and Saul stand over him, out of breath,
bruised and battered.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Red, you motherfucker.
Dale, lost in thought, starts to seriously freak out.
DALE
It's happening! It's actually happening!
He knows my name! Red knows my name!
SAUL
We should beat it out of his sellout
brains. You're a shitty friend, Red! Fuck
the Casino! Go alone!
DALE
This is fucked, what do we do now, he
knows my name!?!
SAUL
He knows my name too!
DALE
Well what do we do? He's gonna tell them!
SAUL
We're not gonna have to kill him, are we?
I don't think I could do that.
Dale stares at the almost motionless Red.
50
SAUL (CONT'D)
Maybe we could talk him into killing
himself, or, like, make him promise not
to tell.
DALE
Well, we have to find out what he knows.
RED
(in great pain)
I don't know anything...you broke my
bong...
Dale, trying to act tough, grabs Red by the collar.
DALE
Tell us everything. Now!
Red looks to Saul for sympathy.
SAUL
Don't look at me, you sellout bastard.
Now start talking!
RED
I can't...I don't know anything.
Dale pulls Saul aside.
SAUL
What do we do? He's not gonna talk.
DALE
I think we beat it out of him.
SAUL
For real?
DALE
Okay. Red. Here's the deal: if you don't
tell us everything, we're going to beat
you up.
RED
Don't beat me up! Saul, dude, I'm Red!
SAUL
You were Red. Now you're no one to me.
DALE
You've got five seconds, okay? Ready?
Five, four-
51
Dale raises his fist.
RED
Please don't.
DALE
Three, two...one!
Red cringes as Dale softly "punches" his gut. It doesn't
hurt him.
RED
That didn't hurt.
SAUL
You didn't even hurt him! Hit him hard,
man. Like, fucking hit him!
Dale takes a deep breathe and raises his fist.
RED
Wait! I...I...
Dale grabs a potted plant.
RED (CONT'D)
No!
Dale swings the plant back to strike Red. The pot flies
off the plant and Dale smashes the dirt covered roots of
the plant against Red's face.
RED (CONT'D)
Ow! Fuck, man! Stop it.
Listen...two...two guys came here,
they...they were here when you called-
SAUL
Seriously?
DALE
Who were they?
Dale raises his fist.
RED
They work for Ted. Budlofsky and
Matheson. Fuckin' crazy weird guys. They
were here all day, but you guys didn't
show. They said they'd kill me if I
didn't bring you to them, they said I'd-
52
DALE
How many cops does he have in his...uh,
payroll, or whatever?
RED
I know there's this lady cop. He could
have more, I don't know. He's got pretty
crazy connections. He's also got a cool-
ass hideout. It's crazy man.
Dale and Saul exchange very worried looks.
RED (CONT'D)
Listen, I-
Dale swings the PLANT upwards, prepared to strike Red
again.
DALE
Who's his competition?
RED
The Asians!
DALE
Asians? Which Asians? Indians are
technically Asian.
RED
The...the Koreans, I think. Everyone just
calls them the Asians.
Dale and Saul exchange an even more worried look.
SAUL
What else?
RED
I swear to god that's all I know...I
swear...
DALE
Alright. We should...tie him up and...and
get the fuck out of here.
SAUL
I made a gravity bong here once. I know
where his duct tape is.
Saul runs off. Dale puts on Saul's backpack and looks at
the battered Red moaning on the floor.
53
SAUL (CONT'D)
Come on, let's tape this piece of shit
up.
Dale pulls Red's hands behind his back. Saul is picking
at the tape.
SAUL (CONT'D)
I can't find the edge.
DALE
What?
SAUL
I can't find the, oh...wait...
Saul rips open the DUCT TAPE. He quickly BINDS Red's
hands and feet. SUDDENLY, there's a KNOCK at the door.
They stop, silent. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. Red starts
thrashing and trying to scream.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Shit. They're actually here to kill him.
DALE
(whispering)
What do we do?
SAUL
(whispering)
I don't know.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
DALE
(whispering)
Fuck. Oh, man.
Frozen in terror, they don't know what to do.
RED
(whispering)
Guys, guys...listen to me-
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
RED (CONT'D)
(whispering)
I'm fuckin' sorry. Okay? I fucked up. I'm
a son-of-a-bitch. I forgot bros before
hoes, even though these guys aren't hoes.
You know what I mean. But I can fix this.
(MORE)
54
RED (CONT'D)
I know these guys, it's cool. Just head
out the back, I'll stall `em. Won't tell
`em nothing. You can count on me!
SAUL
Thanks, Red.
Red frantically tries to wriggle out of his bonds while
Saul leads Dale out the back door. SUDDENLY, the door is
KICKED open! Budlofsky and Matheson enter, guns drawn.
They see Red.
RED
Dale Denton! It was Saul and some dude
named Dale Denton! They just ran out the
back!
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Dale and Saul run like hell. Saul spots a dumpster.
SAUL
In here!
Saul jumps into the dumpster.
DALE
No. I've got to get to a phone!
SAUL
We should hide!
DALE
But, if Red tells Ted's guys my name,
then they'll go to my apartment and find
out about Angie!
SAUL
I think we should stay!
DALE
Why?!
SAUL
Because I'm in the dumpster already!
Shit! Fine!
Saul hops out of the dumpster and follows Dale.
INT. RED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Budlofsky dashes back into the apartment.
55
BUDLOFSKY
They're long gone.
Matheson stands over top of Red, talking to Ted on the
phone.
TED (O.S.)
Find out what he knows.
MATHESON
Red, you gonna tell us anything helpful?
RED
I just did, Matheson. Fuckin' Dale
Denton's the other guys name. He was with
Saul, they kicked my ass. What more do
you want?
MATHESON
You hear that?
TED
Ask if either of them were Asian.
MATHESON
Hey. What skin color were these guys?
RED
What? Um...white, they're both white. I
think Denton might be a Jew, but I
couldn't really tell.
MATHESON
You hear that, Ted?
TED (O.S.)
Dale Denton. Not Asian. Alright. Kill
Red.
Matheson pulls out a gun and shoots Red in the gut.
RED
(clutching his bleeding gut)
Oh fuck...you shot me, you motherfucker!
Fuckin' Matheson...fuck you! You've eaten
dinner here, man! Tacos! And now I'm
gonna fuckin' die from this, probably.
Get the fuck out of my house!
56
INT. TED'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
TED (the big grey-haired guy) puts his portable phone
back in its charger.
TED
Fuck.
The living room windows are covered by black sheets.
Workers are busy scrubbing blood stains off the floor and
walls. The dead Asian man lies on top of bubble-wrap in
the corner.
Ted walks into the kitchen where CAROL BRAZIER (female
cop from the murder, in full uniform, mid-30s) is playing
with her gun.
TED (CONT'D)
Carol, there's another name to run. Dale
Denton.
CAROL
Does he have something to do with our
friend in there?
TED
If the Asians have the balls to send an
assassin right into my home, we can't be
too cautious. The boys say Denton and
Saul are Caucasian. Maybe after their
assassin failed, they hired this outside
guy Denton to finish the job.
(pondering)
Also, the boys said that Saul mentioned
"going to the casino."
CAROL
"Going to the casino"? I don't like that.
Carol holsters her gun.
CUT TO:
EXT. TED'S HOUSE - STREET - CONTINUOUS
Inside an Escalade with tinted windows sit two
frightening looking Asian men. They have earphones on and
an eavesdropping tool aimed at Ted's house. They hear
every word. One of them writes down info in Korean.
57
CAROL (O.S.)
(through one of the Asian
mens ear piece)
I'll be back in an hour with everything
there is on Dale Denton. He'll be dead by
the time we make our pick-up tomorrow.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Dale and Saul are still running and are unbelievably
exhausted.
SAUL
(gasping and wheezing)
But my parents live in Canada. You don't
think they're going to go to Canada, do
you? How would they get a Canadian phone
book even?
DALE
(gasping and wheezing)
All I know is Angie's new number is on my
fridge and they could see that, so I have
to get to her.
SAUL
My Grandma lives here. They wouldn't go
after her, would they? She's got a
different last name. Belogus.
Dale hails a cab.
INT. DALE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Dale's apartment door BURSTS open. Budlofsky and Matheson
enter, guns drawn. They start searching the apartment.
Budlofsky presses a button on the ANSWERING MACHINE.
ANSWERING MACHINE
(Dale's voice)
" cough It's Dale. I'm probably at work,
maybe we'll talk later. BEEP "
Matheson walks to the fridge and yanks off a NOTE.
MATHESON
Budlofsky!
Budlofsky looks at the note:
" - Memorize Angie's New Cell: 366-3666 - Go get weed - "
58
EXT. OUTSIDE ANGIE'S HOUSE - SOON AFTER
Dale and Saul get out of the cab in a pleasant
neighborhood. Saul begrudgingly pays the driver. They
walk towards Angie's house.
DALE
Dude, stay here. I'll be back in a
minute.
SAUL
Hells no! I don't want to be alone! I
want to go with you!
DALE
Saul, just watch my back. I'll literally
be five minutes. Please.
SAUL
Fine. But hurry.
Dale runs up to the front door and frantically knocks.
Angie answers the door.
INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Dale dashes in.
DALE
Angie!
Angie opens the door with a smile, the phone in hand. Her
attention is towards the phone conversation she is
having. Dale enters her apartment.
INT. ANGIE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
ANGIE
It's Dale! You came.
Dale freezes in horror: ANGIE'S PARENTS (SHANNON and
ROBERT) are pleasantly eating at the dining room table.
SHANNON
Hi, Dale. Nice to meet you, sit down and
have some couscous. Can I get you a
drink?
Robert sees that Dale is DIRTY, DISHEVELLED, BRUISED and
BATTERED.
59
ROBERT
What the hell happened to you?
ANGIE
Dale? What happened to you?
Robert and Shannon exchange worried looks.
DALE
Nothing, I was in the woods and...
(turns to Angie's parents)
...Hi, I'm Dale. Uh...it's nice to
finally meet you both...I apologize for
my appearance. Robert, Charlotte-
SHANNON
(not amused)
Shannon.
DALE
Yes! Shannon. I've heard a lot about both
of you.
Dale walks to Robert and extends his DIRTY, BLOODY HAND.
DALE (CONT'D)
Very nice things.
Robert smugly declines Dale's hand shake.
ANGIE
You were in the woods?
DALE
(at a loss for words)
Alright, now, here's what's happened -
I've been thrust into a kind of,
ah...situation. So, uh, if we could all
just start to evacuate...
Dale starts gathering all their jackets and shoes.
DALE (CONT'D)
...that'd be really, really good right
now. I'll answer all your-
ANGIE
Is this a joke?
ROBERT
What is this Angie?
60
SHANNON
I think it is a joke.
DALE
(deep breath)
Listen. There are people after us and
they could come here. I'll tell you
anything you want, just please, let's go!
ROBERT
He's serious?
DALE
Yes, I'm serious. Super serious! We have
to get the "F" out of here!
The Anderson's stare at him dumbfounded. Robert gets up
and stands tall.
ROBERT
Get the hell out of my house.
DALE
Okay, Mr. Anderson, look, here's the deal
- I saw a crooked cop kill a guy while I
was working...this morning. The cop shot
the guy then saw my car drive off, and I
think they might have seen my license
plate and, so, I ditched my car...in the
woods, so...
They stare at Dale as though he were crazy.
EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Saul sees a car nearing. He sees Budlofsky and Matheson
are in it.
SAUL
No fucking way.
He runs like hell towards Angie's.
INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Angie and her parents try to make sense of what Dale is
saying.
ANGIE
Who are these people? Why are they-
61
DALE
I think their drug dealers.
ANGIE
(on the verge of tears)
Why?
DALE
Well, it's complicated. See,
the...uh...it doesn't matter right now,
we just have to get out of here.
ANGIE
Let's go to the police!
DALE
No, they are the police!
ROBERT
I'm getting my gun.
SHANNON
Robert! No!
ROBERT
We bought it for a reason!
Robert runs up the stairs to his bedroom.
Suddenly, Saul bursts through the front door in a
panicked frenzy.
SAUL
(completely out of breath)
You... huff ...Angie? Dale! It's
happening!
ANGIE
EEEHHHH!!!
Angie grabs a fork off the table and stabs it into Saul's
shoulder.
SAUL
ARGGG!!!
ANGIE
(freaking out)
Dale, it's one of the drug dealers!!!
SAUL
No! I'm Dale's dealer, I'm S-
62
DALE
Angie! Stop! It's Saul!
SHANNON
What did you do, Angie?!
Saul yanks the fork out and tosses it on the ground.
SAUL
Ow!! Fuck. Now I'm gonna need a tetanus
shot! They fuckin' kill. Fuck!
ANGIE
Saul? Dale, who is-
SAUL
Dale, they're coming!
Then - Robert appears at the top of the stairs with his
gun. He sees Saul bleeding and SCREAMS. BLAM! He fires at
Saul!
EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Budlofsky and Matheson are walking towards the front door
when they hear the gunshot and dive behind some bushes.
BUDLOFSKY
Fuck! What the hell?
MATHESON
Get out your fucking gun!
BUDLOFSKY
What the fuck is going on?
BANG! Blasts through the front door and almost hits them!
INT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Everyone is in shock. Saul frantically pats himself down
to see if he got hit.
DALE
Stop! Stop! He's with me!
SAUL
Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Holy
fuck!
63
ANGIE
Dad, put the gun down!
SHANNON
Robert, what's going on?
ROBERT
Just nobody move, okay? Except Shannon
and Angie. So, you two don't move!
SHANNON
Oh my god.
DALE
Sir, please, he's my friend, he's helping
me, he's-
SAUL
Stop shooting, man! I'm Dale's dealer
Dale looks at the pandemonium as everyone tries to be
heard.
DALE
Guys! Please! We have to get out of here.
Robert, Angie...Mrs. Anderson-
SAUL
(whispers to Dale)
It's Shannon.
DALE
I know! Look, we have to get out of here.
I'm sure everything is going to be fine
but better safe than...not.
SHANNON
Is this...for real-
DALE
Yes. Terribly real.
Dale and Saul lead Angie and her parents towards the back
door.
EXT. ANGIE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Budlofsky and Matheson are now at the front door. They've
each got a gun drawn and are preparing to burst in.
Budlofsky is loading his bullet cartridge.
64
MATHESON
Ready?
BUDLOFSKY
No. One sec.
Budlofsky puts in the last few bullets.
MATHESON
Hurry the fuck up.
BUDLOFSKY
Chill out, man. You're nagging isn't
helping.
Budlofsky cocks his gun and nods at Matheson.
INT. ANGIE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
BAM! They kick open the doors and run into her house. No
one is there. Budlofsky cautiously walks over to the
table and touches the food. It's still warm. Matheson
bends down and picks up a bloody fork.
MATHESON
Ew! It's a bloody fork! What are these
people doing?
INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Dale, Angie, her parents, and Saul burst into the garage.
Robert is fumbling with the keys. He manages to open the
car. Saul pulls up his shirt to look at the stab wound.
SAUL
Fuck. Look at that. Fuckin' mashed
potatoes in my wound.
ROBERT
Baby! Get in the car quick. Angie, in the
car!
The Andersons get in the car.
ANGIE
Dale - get in the car!
ROBERT
(to Dale)
You stay the fuck away from my family!
65
ANGIE
Shut up dad!
DALE
(glances at Robert)
I...I think it would be best if I didn't
go with you. I don't want to put you in
any more danger.
ANGIE
What are you going to do? What should we
do?
ROBERT
Angie, get in the car!
DALE
Alright, baby. Here's the plan - go to
the Holiday Inn downtown and use a fake
name. Something like...
(looks around, focuses on
Robert's car)
Car...lyle.
ANGIE
Carlyle?
(beat)
I...I have so many questions. I
just...how can this be happening?
Where...where are you going?
DALE
I have to stop this. I don't know how,
but don't worry. I'll keep you safe.
(beat)
But still, watch your back. You never
know where they might be, whoever they
are.
Angie gets in the car. Dale pecks her on the lips.
DALE (CONT'D)
I love you.
Beat.
ANGIE
Uh...thanks.
Angie gets in the car. Dale pecks her on the lips.
66
DALE
Um...you're welcome. And nice to meet you
guys.
She shuts her door and the Anderson's pull out. Dale
watches them depart with great concern.
SAUL
Why aren't we in that car?
DALE
Let's run, man! Run!
They start to sprint.
SAUL
Huff Huff Where are we running?
DALE
Somewhere we can think.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Ted and Carol are in mid-discussion, and rather
distraught at that. Behind them two henchmen take the
dead Asian man's body out the back door.
CAROL
A fork?
TED
A bloody fork. In his girlfriends house.
And the blood was fresh.
CAROL
Maybe he killed her, to protect himself.
TED
Or maybe it's the Asians fucking with us.
What the fuck is going on!
(a frustrated beat)
Any luck with the cell phones?
CAROL
They smashed one and left the other one
in the woods to distract us. Took us an
hour to find it. And we found Denton's
car, which was filled with all these
strange disguises. These guys are for
real.
Ted slams his fist on a table. He ponders.
67
TED
I want to talk to the Asians. Get me
Cheung's number. Now.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. CHEUNG'S MANSION - MOMENTS LATER
Cheung, the leader of the Asians, has a lavish mansion
which is covered in ornate decorations and expensive
merchandise. It is immaculately clean and organized.
Several armed men with earpieces stand in strategic
locations throughout the house. Cheung is reading a
Korean book alone in his study. The phone rings and he
picks it up.
CHEUNG
(in Korean)
Hello?
TED
Cheung. It's Ted.
Cheung sits up, shocked to have his opponent calling him.
He snaps his fingers and two guards run in. He covers the
phone.
CHEUNG
(in Korean)
Record this conversation.
He uncovers the receiver.
CHEUNG (CONT'D)
(perfect English)
Ted. This is surprising. What would you
like?
TED
Cheung, I want you to call off your man
Denton. I don't know what he is, a scout,
assassin, and frankly I don't care. I
just want him gone. I want him dead. If
you do this, I'll consider it a peace
offering, otherwise, you're asking for
war. And just in case you forgot, I'm
number one, and there's a reason for
that. You've got 24 hours to reply.
We stay on Cheung. He hails another guard.
68
CHEUNG
Ted Jones is slipping. Our assassin
failed to kill him, but it did rattle his
confidence. It's earlier than planned,
but we should strike now, while he is
confused. Let it be known-
He turns to a picture of the Asian Ted killed earlier.
CHEUNG (CONT'D)
-Li-Youngs death will not be in vain.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Dale and Saul are sitting in the branches of a tree. Fast
food wrappers lie scattered. Saul is rolling a joint.
SAUL
Victory joint complete. Here ya go.
Saul passes it to Dale, who lights it. Dale takes another
puff and starts to seriously relax. A smile creeps across
his face as he passes the joint to Saul.
DALE
"Tell us what you know!" How fuckin'
balls was that?
Saul takes a puff.
SAUL
Like, really balls.
DALE
And I think I fought pretty well, don't
you? You know, for my first time. We were
like Tango and Cash, man.
SAUL
Or Scarface!
DALE
BOOM! Knocked the door right off it's
hinges!
Saul passes the joint to Dale.
SAUL
And you probably saved Angie, which is
fucking pimp.
69
DALE
I probably couldn't have done it without
you. Thanks, man. It is fucking pimp.
SAUL
We're in this together, right? So, ya
know.
Saul passes the joint to Dale.
DALE
Thanks, man.
(beat)
You know, my last dealer was a total
dick. You're by far the coolest dealer
I've ever had.
SAUL
(sincerely)
Wow. Thanks, man. I seriously appreciate
that.
DALE
Yeah...like, the time before last time, I
totally had weed. I just kind of wanted
to chill with you.
SAUL
(over-joyed)
Really? That's awesome, man. That means a
lot to me, `cause, like, plenty of dudes
come in to buy and pretend to be all
buddy-buddy with me, but in my head I'm
always, like, "you don't like me, you
like my drugs, so fuck you, buddy!" You
know? And just so you know, I totally
could have lit that cross-joint on my
own. I'd just have to use candles, but,
like, I've never smoked one of those with
anyone before.
Dale passes Saul the joint.
DALE
So, do you think we should leave town? We
could just get on a bus and go, right?
SAUL
We only have, like, fifty bucks. I don't
think that could even pay for one ticket.
Saul rubs the roach out in the dirt.
70
DALE
What about your sack?
Saul rubs his balls again.
SAUL
Oh man. It's still fucking killing me.
DALE
(laughing)
No dude, your sack of weed. Can't we sell
some?
SAUL
Of course. That's my bread and butter. We
just have to go to a highschool. It's the
easiest market. Chester A. Arthur is
like, a block a way.
DALE
No way, man. I'm not going to sell to
kids.
SAUL
Why? They're gonna get it from somewhere.
I mean, we got it from guys like us.
DALE
Well, then not kids at that school.
SAUL
Well, there's a bunch of private ones
nearby, but they're into way crazier shit
than weed-
DALE
I can't do it, man. I'm not going to a
high school is there anywhere else we
could go?
SAUL
(thinks, then-)
We could go to Crackhead Park.
DALE
What's that?
SAUL
It's a park. Really close, actually. Full
of crackheads. They smoke weed too,
though.
71
EXT. CRACKHEAD PARK - NIGHT
There are several tarp-houses set up, garbage all over,
and crazy/dangerous homeless people milling about the
park. A deranged looking homeless man walks over to
another one and starts pissing on his leg. They begin
fist fighting. Suddenly, a half eaten hamburger hits Dale
in the face and a bag lady comes up to Saul and starts
poking him.
SAUL
Hey, stop it. Stop it. You wanna buy some
weed, or, like, what?
The bag lady runs off.
SAUL (CONT'D)
See, that's the problem around here.
Target demographic has a real, uh, fickle
attention span. You gotta wow `em.
(beat)
Hey! Who wants some weed!?!
DALE
Fuck this place.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - LUNCHTIME - THE NEXT DAY
At the same high school Angie goes to, Dale and Saul walk
up to four thirteen year old students. (DESMOND, WALT,
ACK and BLAKE)
SAUL
Yo. `sup. You guys want some chronic?
EXT. ALLEY BEHIND A CONVIENANCE STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Dale and the four kids all laugh hysterically as Saul
marches around pretending to be Godzilla, blasting weed
smoke out of his nose and mouth as though it was fire.
Saul passes Ack the joint. He takes a puff and starts
coughing.
DALE
(very stoned)
Man, this is great.
72
ACK
Cough Cough What's it called again?
WALT
Pineapple express. They said it, like,
eight times, you fucking `tard.
ACK
Oh, so sorry if I-
BLAKE
Come on, man. Puff, puff, pass.
SAUL
You know, I went here for a year. Kicked
me out for having a swiss army knife.
Everyone has a swiss army knife!
DALE
I got like, thirty for my Bar Mitzvah.
DESMOND
My Bar Mitzvah sucked.
ACK
I touched Jessica Lubell's tit at your
Bar Mitzvah.
DALE
You touched a tit when you were twelve?
WALT
Lubell? Are you joking? Those are the
finest tats in the grade!
ACK
Fuck that, dude. Angie in 12th grade has,
like, the sweetest tits ever.
DALE
Hey!
WALT
What? You know her?
DALE
Yeah. She's my girlfriend.
DESMOND
Whoa. You're that dude. You lucky fucker.
73
DALE
(proud)
Yeah. She's pretty sweet.
SAUL
And we're all high, that's hilarious.
Blake passes the joint to Dale.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Alright gentlemen, it's time for me to
teach you some business. Brass tacs -
this is the best weed you've ever smoked,
agreed?
The kids all nod in agreement.
SAUL (CONT'D)
So I'm gonna make this simple. How much
did you get between you?
BLAKE
A hundred and seventy eight.
Saul pulls out his impressive bag of weed. The kids GASP.
SAUL
Alright. You gimme all your money, you
can each take two handfuls of weed. That
treat ya right?
The kids cheer as Desmond takes two BIG handfuls.
DESMOND
That's fucking awesome!
SAUL
I know. Keep it on the down low.
They pay Dale and take their weed. Happy as hell, they
run off, stuffing HANDFULS OF WEED into their pockets.
ACK
(to Walt)
Jason'll never believe this...until I
show him all this weed!
Dale holds the un-lit joint as Saul takes the pot and the
money.
SAUL
And we, my good man, are officially scott
fuckin' free.
74
DALE
There are still people trying to kill us.
SAUL
But at least now we can afford to run.
I'm gonna go buy some celebration snacks.
Let's have us a little mardi-gras
fiesta.
Saul laughs as he puts on his backpack and walks around
the corner. Dale re-lights the remaining roach and
casually smokes. He blows some smoke rings, coughs a bit,
stretches; for a few moments, looking completely relaxed,
but then-
A COP CAR screeches to a halt right in front of Dale! A
female POLICE LIAISON OFFICER (who is not Carol) gets out
of the car. Dale freezes in horror.
POLICE LIAISON
Don't move!
She walks towards Dale. He seems prepared to run, but she
places her hand on a can of pepper spray.
POLICE LIAISON (CONT'D)
Don't move! This stuff hurts. What's in
your hand?
DALE.
I'm sorry, Ma'am. It's weed. I'll get rid
of it right away, I was just smoking
this. I...I thought it was
decriminalized. Or something. For medical
purposes. I have epilepsy.
POLICE LIAISON
Selling pot to my students isn't
"decriminalized." I'm the liaison officer
for this school and I just caught four
students showing off handfuls of
marijuana to their friends. They told me
they got it back here. Put your hands up.
She cuffs Dale's hands behind him!
DALE
Wait! I wasn't selling anything! All I
have is this little joint.
Police Liaison takes the large joint out of Dale's hand.
75
POLICE LIAISON
You call this little?
She throws it on the ground and smears it around with her
foot.
DALE
I don't even have any money! How did I
sell weed if I don't have any money?!? I
was just smoking it. I swear. Please.
She pats him down, finding only his wallet. The Police
Liaison sees he only has nine dollars. She pulls out his
DRIVER'S LICENSE.
POLICE LIAISON
It's possible you're telling the truth.
I'm going to run a check and if it turns
out you don't have any priors and all
you've got is this small amount of
marijuana, I'll let you go with a fine.
Take a seat.
She walks towards her car as Dale sits on the ground.
ANGLE ON: Saul
Saul merrily turns into the alley holding TWO RED
SLURPEES, when he jumps back in terror! He sees the cop
car up the alley. He ducks back behind the corner.
SAUL
They got Dale. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh
fuck...
ANGLE ON: Dale and the Police Liaison
She looks at her car computer. The screen reads:
DALE DENTON: OUTSTANDING WARRANT - DOUBLE HIT AND RUN.
She looks back at Dale and types into her computer.
INT. CAROL'S COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
We see Carol (who is in fact Ted's evil accomplice)
speeding down the road. Her police computer beeps. She
looks at the screen.
CAROL
(smiling)
Denton.
76
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The Police Liaison stuffs Dale in the back of her squad
car.
DALE
What is this for? What did that thing
tell you? What did I do?
POLICE LIAISON
Hit and run, Mr. Denton. A double,
actually. You hit two parked cars two
nights ago.
A look of crippling horror comes across Dale's face as
she throws him in the back seat and slams his door shut.
ANGLE ON: Saul
He peaks down the alley and sees Dale in the back of the
car and the FEMALE Police Liaison getting in the front.
SAUL
The lady cop. She's gonna kill him.
The car slowly makes a three point turn.
INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
DALE
You don't understand! You have to let me
go! Dirty cops are gonna kill me! Please!
The Police Liaison ignores Dale.
DALE (CONT'D)
This...this lady cop, and these guys
Budlofsky and Matheson, they all work for
Ted Jones, and-
POLICE LIAISON
(suddenly interested)
Ted Jones?
DALE
Yeah. With grey-hair. Tell me you know
what I'm talking about. He lives near
Evergreen Heights. He-
77
POLICE LIAISON
Are you telling me you saw Ted Jones and
a police office shoot someone?
DALE
Yeah. An Asian someone.
The Police Liaison ponders as she finishes her three
point turn and drives toward the exit of the alley.
POLICE LIAISON
Stay calm, do as your told, I'll get you
down to the station.
DALE
(ecstatic)
Yes ma'am.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Saul peeks out and sees the approaching cop car. He looks
at the two red slurpees and thinks, then suddenly jumps
out and THROWS himself onto the hood of the cop car!
The Police Liaison and Dale see a body SLAM against the
car and RED LIQUID SPLATTER everywhere, covering the
windshield. They SCREAM.
WHAM! In the impact, we clearly see Saul's BALLS getting
ROCKED on the car! The Police Liaison slams on the
brakes, causing Dale to SMASH into the metal cage.
POLICE LIAISON
Oh my god! Is that blood? Oh my god!
She puts the car in park. As the Police Liaison gets out
of her car, Saul can be seen crawling around the back of
the vehicle, clutching his testicles. The frightened
Police Liaison looks at the windshield.
She notices the two slurpee cups on the ground and
quickly turns around. She sees Saul jumping into the
drivers seat.
Saul sees a SHOTGUN beside the passenger seat. The Police
Liaison reaches for her GUN!
DALE
NO! What are you doing!?!
78
SAUL
Saving you. Hold on, amigo. Tango and
Cash!
POLICE LIAISON
Freeze mister! Don't even...
Saul slams the car into reverse! He speeds backwards up
the alley as the Police Liaison runs after them - GUN
DRAWN!
DALE
No! She was going to help us!
SAUL
(in pain)
Oh...my balls...I seriously think I
popped one...
Suddenly, Carol (the cop from Ted's house) whips her COP
CAR into the alley! WHAM!!! It smashes into the rear of
their car! Dale turns around and establishes eye contact
with the stunned Carol.
DALE
(horrified)
IT'S HER! The lady cop!
Saul slams down the gas! Through the slurpee covered
window Saul sees the Police Liaison rushing towards them.
SAUL
(motion at the Police
Liaison)
Then who's that?
The Police Liaison raises her gun.
SAUL (CONT'D) DALE
NOOOO!!! AAAAH!!!
BLAM! She fires and the bullet punches through the
windshield! The Police Liaison dives to the side as they
zoom past her! They burst out of the alley. A moment
later, Carol follows, in hot pursuit.
I/E. DALE AN SAUL'S STOLEN COP CAR - CONTINUOUS
The car weaves through traffic.
SAUL
The slurpee! I can't see!
79
DALE
Turn on the wipers!
Saul mindlessly starts grasping at switches in the car.
He finally turns on the wipers, which wipe away the
slurpee and reveal that the window is so badly cracked he
still can't see through it. Carol's car emerges right
behind them.
SAUL
Dude, I seriously can't see!
DALE
Kick out the window! Isn't that what they
do?
SAUL
I don't know. Okay.
Saul, with great effort, keeps one foot on the pedals
and, with all his might, kicks his other leg through the
front window. His leg PUNCHES straight through the glass,
but he can't pull it back in!
SAUL (CONT'D)
Oh fuck! Shit!
DALE
Get it out of there!
Suddenly, their car gets jerked to the side.
SAUL
Ah! Ah! My leg!
Carol is ramming them from behind.
DALE
(hysterical)
She's following us! She's gaining on us!
SAUL
Her car's better!
Saul yanks at his leg and manages to wriggle it out of
the hole. He begins to accelerate and realizes he can see
where he's going through the hole.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Ha! I can see! Through my leg hole!
Saul bumps over the curb and cuts through a LARGE PARK.
Carol is right behind them.
80
DALE
Do something!
Saul thinks hard, then buckles his seat belt.
SAUL
Hold on. I've got an idea.
Dale does what little he can to brace himself. Saul SLAMS
on the breaks. Carol sees Saul screeching to a halt and
slams on her breaks. She grunts and whips out her GUN.
Both cars come to a full stop beside one another.
She opens fire - BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! - Bullets
rip through the stolen cruiser. Shattered glass flies
everywhere. Dale and Saul desperately duck for cover.
Saul hits the gas and the bullet riddled car takes off.
Carol follows.
DALE
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?
Saul pops back up and begins steering again.
SAUL
Oh shit, man! I'm sorry! I thought she'd
keep going.
The car bumps back on to a main road. Carol follows,
sirens blaring.
DALE
Turn on the sirens!
Saul's hand flails around, grasping everything. He feels
the SHOTGUN and accidentally pulls the trigger-
BOOM! The blast blows through the roof of the car and
hits an overhead TRAFFIC LIGHT - shredding it to pieces!
SAUL DALE
JESUS!!! SHIT!
Carol flies into the intersection on a collision course
with Saul and Dale.
CRUNCH! A car smashes into the side of the Carol's
cruiser.
As Dale and Saul speed off, Carol emerges from the
smoking wreckage, a look of hate in her eyes.
81
EXT. QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET - MOMENTS LATER
The stolen cruiser screeches to a halt and Saul hops out.
SAUL
Run!
He starts running up the block at top speed.
Dale, still handcuffed in the back of the cruiser, starts
thrashing and screaming.
DALE
Saul! Saul! I'm locked in!
Dale continues to scream as Saul obliviously bolts to the
end of the block and just keeps going.
DALE (CONT'D)
You dumb fucking fuck!!! HELP ME!!!
Dale sits in the car, helpless. He has a look of utter
disbelief on his face. After a moment of silence he
starts wildly kicking the door window. He soon gives up.
Just then, Dale notices Saul, over a block away, running
back towards the stolen car. Saul soon arrives,
completely out of breath, and opens the door.
SAUL
So... huff ... huff ...fuckin'
sorry... huff ...forgot...
Dale flops out of the car and onto the grass. Saul tries
to help him to his feet, but Dale pulls away.
DALE
Don't touch me, you asshole!
Dale wiggles to his feet runs for it. Saul follows.
INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
Dale and Saul enter the hardware store, walking very
close together so that no one sees Dale is handcuffed.
They receive a few odd looks as they search and locate
what they are looking for: saws. Saul quickly finds a
sturdy looking hack-saw.
82
SAUL
Okay, only one way to do this, hard and
fast. Bend over.
Dale gets on his knees and bends over, pressing his face
up against the wall. Saul begins to manically hack away
at the cuffs.
DALE
Ow! Ow! Hurry!
SAUL
I am!
Suddenly, Saul sees a store clerk coming and shoves the
saw underneath Dale's suit jacket.
DALE
Which saw do you like most?
SAUL
The brown ones nice, but the metallic
ones seems more...
They watch the clerk walk off and immediately return to
sawing the handcuffs.
CUT TO:
EXT. HARDWARE STORE - SOON AFTER
Dale stretches his arms. The handcuffs are still on his
hands, but no longer attached.
DALE
(relieved)
Okay, I'm going to go call Angie. Be
right back.
SAUL
A thank you would be nice!
EXT. PAY PHONE - MOMENTS LATER
Dale is on the phone.
DALE
Could I have the, uh, Carlyle room,
please?
INTERCUT WITH:
83
INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Angie is watching TV alone in a hotel room. The phone
rings and she picks it up.
ANGIE
Dale?
DALE
Angie! Thank god you're okay!
ANGIE
I'm fine. How are you? Are you okay?
DALE
I'm great. I'm fine. I miss you. So,
here's the plan, babe. I'm going to leave
town and contact a government official or
something. From somewhere safe. I know
this shit is all fucked up and I just
can't apologize enough.
ANGIE
Dale. I've realized some problems and-
DALE
I know there's a problem! That's the
thing, that's why I-
ANGIE
Dale, shut up and listen. People are
trying to kill you, and me! Dale, drug
dealers are trying to kill me, because of
you! It's fucking over, man. Are you
kidding me? For gods sake...
DALE
Angie, no! No! Don't you get it? I was
thrown into this situation, I had no
control, but I am dealing with it. This
kind of thing happens, you know-
ANGIE
NO! IT DOESN"T!
(beat)
You're immature, Dale! I'm six years
younger and I'm saying this! And the fact
that you think you're some kind of
fucking genius just makes it a hundred
times more infuriating!
84
DALE
What? You're telling me you think I'm a
dumb guy?
ANGIE
You're not how you think you are Dale,
and it's pathetic. Call me when I can go
home.
Angie hangs up.
EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS
As Dale walks out of his phone booth, we see that Saul is
on the phone in the next booth and is also smoking from a
pipe.
SAUL
Alrghit, I'll see you soon. And I'm sorry
again about the clocks.
(beat)
Ha! What a douche bag.
(beat)
Yeah, love you too.
Saul hangs up and exits the phone booth.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Yo, so before we go on the lamb I gotta
go see my grandma, okay? She was worried
`cause I didn't show up to help with the
locks. But before that I've got to smoke
another bowl.
DALE
Are you joking? You're actually gonna
smoke marijuana?
SAUL
Why not?
DALE
How can you smoke marijuana after what we
just went through? That clearly happened
because we were smoking marijuana.
SAUL
No. It happened because those fucking
kids didn't keep that shit on the down
low. Which is weird, `cause they really
seemed like cool kids.
85
DALE
If you haven't noticed, we're not very
functional when we're stoned, Saul.
SAUL
When I saved you with those Slurpees I
was stoned. What do you gotta say to
that? Maybe the pot is what gave me the
creative capacity to come up with such a
great plan! The Beatles were high!
DALE
You didn't save me! She was going to
protect us, and now we're wanted for all
sorts of crazy shit!
Saul lights his bowl.
DALE (CONT'D)
Fine. Smoke marijuana. But you know how
"Scarface" ends. Face down, dead, in your
own fuckin' water fountain.
SAUL
For one thing, I'm done dealing pot.
Mostly, because I don't know where I
would get it now, but still. And "b",
fuck you, man. You can't judge me. We're
exactly the same, and this whole thing's
your fucking fault. You're the one who
dropped the roach!
DALE
It's not my fault!
Dale points at Saul's bowl.
DALE (CONT'D)
It's marijuana's fault!
SAUL
Stop calling it marijuana!
DALE
Grow up, you fucking two year old.
SAUL
See! This is why you're a douche bag,
Denton. Because you think you're better
than others, but you're just a dumb
pothead burnout, same as me.
86
DALE
Maybe I am a pothead burnout, but at
least I'm not the dumbest most annoying
guy in the world. The only reason I ever
bought weed from you was because you're
shit is so good, not because you're cool.
SAUL
But you said you bought when you already
had a few times, just to hang out?
DALE
Bullshit! I just like...liked having lots
of different kinds of weed at once.
Saul takes out his wad of cash and throws half of it at
Dale.
SAUL
Here. Buy yourself a good last meal.
He throws fifty more cents at the shocked Dale.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Super size it, bitch.
Saul walks off.
DALE
Saul! I'm sorry, man! I didn't mean all
that! Saul!
A sad Dale starts picking up the money.
INT. TED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Carol, who is a little bruised up from the car crash,
sits with Ted. They are both furious.
CAROL
Guy drove like a mother-fucker. It was
amazing.
TED
This is not good. We should have this
under control. We haven't heard shit from
the Asians. Got these lunatics after us.
Shit.
Carol checks her watch.
87
CAROL
We should probably get to the farm.
MUSIC UP: THE END by THE DOORS
- Saul gets on a bus and sits down, sad and deject.
- Dale sits against the phone booth, crying like a baby.
He buries his hands in his pocket and pulls out his baggy
of weed. He hurls it away. He gets up to retrieve it.
- Saul is in a really shitty fast food restaurant, nearly
crying as he eats his burger and fries.
- Dale stares at a joint in his hands, thinks for a
moment, and then, crying profusely, lights it and starts
smoking.
A solitary tear rolls down his cheek and drips directly
onto the tip of the joint, putting it out. Dale hears the
sizzle and looks at the joint. He continues crying. He
puts the joint down, beside three large roaches.
- Walking down the street, Saul sees the Point Grey
Retirement Home.
- Dale feverishly looks through the phone book. He finds
what he's looking for: Belogus.
- Saul, hiding behind a bush across the street, surveys
the retirement home. Seeing the coast is clear, he walks
towards the entrance. As Saul enters the building,
Budlofksy and Matheson pull up.
INT. RETIREMENT HOME - CONTINUOUS
Saul casually walks into the lobby. The elderly residents
of the retirement home are milling around the massive
common room.
ELDERLY WOMAN(O.S.)
Solly?
Saul turns and sees an ELDERLY WOMAN.
SAUL
Hey! Mrs. Mendelson!
Saul peers over her shoulder and sees Budlofsky and
Matheson walk in!
88
SAUL (CONT'D)
HOLY SHIT!!!
Saul runs for it, and they chase after him. He maneuvers
through the elderly like a pylon course, the thugs right
on his ass. He bursts into another room.
INT. CAFFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
He tears through the room, filled with old people eating.
Budlofsky and Matheson pursue him.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
As Saul runs through the hall, Budlofksy and Matheson
appear.
MATHESON
Eat it!
Matheson whip out his gun and fires - BLAM! The bullet
whizzes past Saul and two elderly men, who don't even
flinch, and then shatters a distant window. Saul turns
the corner and-
BAM! He slams into someone, sending the person crashing
to the ground.
INJURED PERSON
OW! Shit...ow, ow, ow!
Saul looks, terrified he's hurt an old person, but sees
it is a young male nurse. He runs for it and sees an open
door with chatter coming from inside. He runs into-
INT. TEA ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A dead end! Several startled OLD WOMEN look up from their
Majong. One of them instantly recognizes Saul-
MRS. CORBER
Solly Silver?!?
SAUL
Mrs. Corber! You gotta hide me!
The Budlofsky and Matheson bursts into the room. Saul
looks around, sees a teapot and grabs it. He hurls it at
Matheson and nails him in the face. The tea pot shatters
and hot water pours all over his face and hand.
89
MATHESON
AHH!!! FUCK!!!
Budlofsky GRABS Saul and knees him in the balls.
SAUL
(wheezing)
NOOO!!!
BUDLOFSKY
Yeah!
Budlofsky punches Saul in the face.
CUT TO BLACK
EXT. POINT GREY RETIREMENT HOME - CONTINUOUS
Dale hustles towards the entrance of the building when he
sees several police cars parked outside, their lights
flashing.
He sees a bunch of old people gathered on the front lawn.
Doing his best to avoid the cops, he joins the cluster of
elderly.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, god this is terrible. Poor Faye.
Poor, poor Faye.
DALE
Hey, uh, what's going on here?
OLD MAN
It just happened.
DALE
What did?
OLD WOMAN
Faye Belogus' grandson was kidnapped from
right inside the building. We all saw it.
They fought in the majong room and hurt
the new nurse, Stefan.
Dale is terrified.
DALE
Uh...thanks.
OLD MAN
If I was there, I would've kicked an ass.
90
Dale looks, circle of people comforting a crying old
woman, clearly Faye Belogus. He walks over.
DALE
Mrs. Belogus. I wouldn't worry, Saul's
going to be fine.
Dale walks off, determined.
INT. THE BARN - SOON AFTER
Saul wakes up but can't see anything. From his POV we see
tape get ripped off his eyes and mouth.
SAUL
ARRGGGHHH!!!
Saul sees a BUDLOFSKY wielding a knife. He struggles and
realizes that his arms and legs are bound. Saul closes
his eyes, assuming he's about to die.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(whispers to himself)
Fuck. I regret everything.
BUDLOFSKY cuts the tape away from Saul's legs.
BUDLOFSKY
Get up.
Saul gets up and hops out of the car. He looks around and
see that he is in a LARGE BARN. Saul notices SIX THUGS
talking as they move bricks of weed and cocaine into a
van.
Matheson appears and looks at Saul with smoldering
hatred. Saul sees that his face and neck were burnt from
the tea and the broken shards of pot cut his cheek.
SAUL
Oh fuck. That looks painful.
Matheson walks over, lowers to one knee, and punches him
straight in the balls.
SAUL (CONT'D)
EEEHH!!!
Matheson whips out his gun and shoves it in Saul's mouth.
Budlofsky taps Matheson on the shoulder.
91
BUDLOFSKY
Don't. Ted wants him.
MATHESON
Fine.
Matheson looks at the wheezing Saul, curled over by his
feet, and punches him in the back of the head.
Matheson pokes Saul in the back with his gun, ushering
him towards the corner of the barn. They come to an old
TRAP DOOR. Matheson opens the hatch and they descend.
INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
Saul is led along a narrow tunnel. As they reach the end,
Saul's eyes go wide. He enters the same massive metal
room that the government used in the 30s (at the
beginning of the movie)...only now it is rather worn
down, and filled with HUNDREDS OF HUGE MARIJUANA PLANTS.
SAUL
(breath-taken)
El Dorado.
Matheson urges Saul through the dense forest of weed,
passing several of Ted's thugs, the hum of the giant grow
lights filling the air.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Dude, look at all this weed.
MATHESON
Shut the fuck up and keep moving.
As Matheson ushers Saul through the foliage, Saul notices
a strange suit that resembles an old fashioned scuba
diving uniform (the one from the 1930s intro) hanging on
a wall.
SAUL
What the hell is that?
They arrive at a door. Matheson opens it and shoves Saul
in, causing him to almost trip.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Ow.
It is the same room Private Miller was in. Matheson shuts
the door.
92
INT. RED'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
BAM! Dale kicks open Red's door and dashes into Red's,
ready for anything.
DALE
Hello? Anyone here? Red?
Dale starts looking around. He hears music and then sees
he's stepping in a pool of blood.
DALE (CONT'D)
Oh my god.
Dale follows the music into the bathroom.
INT. RED'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dale enters and is shocked to see Red lying on the floor,
clenching his bloody gut with one hand and a joint and
beer in the other. The music is coming from a small boom
box.
RED
(a little out of it)
What? Who the fuck!
Red turns toward Dale and picks up a kitchen knife with
his bloody hand.
RED (CONT'D)
Stay the fuck back, Denton! I didn't do
shit! I'll gut ya if I have to, tooled ya
once, tool ya again!
DALE
(utterly shocked)
I...what? I'm not here to fight, man, I-
RED
Good, man. I'm fuckin' tired.
Red drops the knife and then takes a puff of his joint
and a sip of his beer.
RED (CONT'D)
I'm dyin', Denton. Fuckin' shot. Right
here-
(he points at his wound)
(MORE)
93
RED (CONT'D)
I'm having a little going away party and
I don't remember inviting you,
cocksucker. So I'm gonna ask you to
leave. In my dying moments, I don't want
some asshole I barely know around.
DALE
Go to the hospital, man! Are you crazy.
You don't have to die.
RED
Yes I do! What? I go to the hospital, I'm
gonna end up in But that doesn't matter
`cause once Ted finds out, which he will,
I'm dead wherever I am. I'm fucked
through and through. Now if you'd be
willing to give a dying man his wish,
could ya run on into the other room and
pop in disc two of Tu Pacs "All Eyez On
Me". I want to listen to it while I die.
DALE
You don't have to die.
RED
Will you stop saying that, I've excepted
it, man. I'm at peace. cough
Red takes a hit and coughs. It clearly brings terrible
pain to his bullet wound.
DALE
Red, I need you to tell me where Ted's
base is. He took Saul, and I can't bail
on him. I'm going to get him back.
Red stares intensely at Dale.
RED
Fuckin eh, amigo.
Red heroic-ish-ly rises from the floor. He hobbles over
to the hall and opens a cabinet on the wall. Dale looks
in and sees several hand guns inside.
RED (CONT'D)
Blaze of glory, motherfucker.
INT/EXT. RED'S CAR - NIGHT
Dale and Red are in Red's car, a FORD FIESTA, driving
through the countryside. Dale stops the car 100 yards
from the barn.
94
RED
This is awesome! We're so gonna show
those motherfuckers. Think they can kill
me? Fuck no, you can't! Not how I roll.
Red gets out and walks to the drivers side. Dale gets
out, gun in hand. Red gets in the drivers seat.
DALE
What are you doing?
RED
So, this is the backside of the farm. If
you stay low in the grass you should be
fine. If someone is shooting at you with
an automatic weapon, zig zag. It makes
you harder to hit.
DALE
You're not coming to help?
RED
Fuck no! I've been shot. By these guys. I
was in shock before, but the air on the
drive cleared my mind, I should get to
the hospital. You saw Reservoir Dogs,
right? I got shot in the best spot
possible. I could have a long and
fruitful life ahead of me. Full of
possibilities. Go get `em, slugger.
DALE
But how do I get out of here if I rescue
Saul?
RED
I've no idea. I'm sure it won't be that
hard. Kill some dude and take his car, or
just take it or whatever. Good luck,
amigo!
Red drives off. Dale takes a deep breath, clenches his
gun, and starts cautiously moving towards the barn. He
checks to make sure his safety is off and he's ready to
fight. Dale sneaks up on the building and pears in
between two boards. He sees Budlofsky supervising as the
thugs load the van.
95
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Budlofsky is about to light a cigarette, when SUDDENLY
Dale does a jumping role into the burn and then quickly
scampers to his feet and puts a gun to THUG 1's head.
DALE
I'll blow his fuckin' brains out if you
don't-
BLAM! Budlofsky shoots Thug 1 in the chest.
DALE (CONT'D)
Oh my god.
Dale drops his gun and puts his hands up.
THUG 2
What the fuck was that, Budlofsky?
BUDLOFSKY
Haven't you seen "Speed"? "Shoot the
hostage".
THUG 2
In the leg, you fucking moron!
Budlofsky points his gun at Thug 2.
BUDLOFSKY
Still worked.
Two of the thugs grab Dale and punch him several times.
BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)
Throw him in with the other guy, and
everyone stay alert. Jared, go watch
outside. This is fucked up. Somethings
going down.
The thugs start bringing Dale towards the hatch. Suddenly
one of them motions for the other to stop, feeling
something on Dale's back.
THUG 3
I think he's got a gun.
BUDLOFSKY
What?
Thug 3 lifts up Dale's shirt, revealing that he has taped
a gun to his back.
96
BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)
You're kidding me, right? Die Hard?
DALE
I had to try.
The thugs bring him down the trap door.
THUG 3 (O.S.)
Hey! He's got another one taped to his
stomach!
THUG 4 (O.S.)
And his leg!
INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
Saul is sitting against the wall with his hands bound and
a look of complete defeat. Suddenly, the door opens and
Dale is tossed in by Budlofsky.
SAUL
Dale!?! What the fuck? Did you rat me
out, you shitty bastard? That what
happened?
DALE
No! I came here to save you!
SAUL
To save me? Ha! That's rich! You're
caught, too. And now I have to die with
some asshole.
DALE
Saul, I deserved that, because I fucked
you. You're right, this whole things my
fault, and they only way I can make it up
to you is by rescuing you, and that's why
I'm here. To save my friend.
SAUL
Tell ya what, Dale. You actually save me
and I'll consider forgiving you for this
mad shit.
DALE
Good. `Cause I will.
97
SAUL
Oh really? What, you forget to tell me
you shoot lasers out of your eyes, or you
got some kind of secret blowtorch
strapped to your dick? We're not gonna
escape, Dale, we're losers, and sinners,
and after we die, we're gonna go to hell!
DALE
We're not losers! We did that car chase.
That was all you, man! You got away from
the cops. I've watched, like, nine
billion hours of worlds wildest police
chases and I've never seen a guy get
away. Not once! But you did it. You did
the impossible.
Suddenly, they both hear someone coming. The door opens.
Matheson pokes his head, and gun, in.
MATHESON
We can hear you out there, and it's
annoying. Shut the fuck up.
He looks Dale and Saul up and down, then shuts the door.
Dale sits down and thinks, but is disturbed by his belt
buckle, which is digging into his gut.
DALE
(whispering)
Perfect! Now rub your wrists against my
belt! My belt buckle'll cut the tape. Do
it! This is it!
Saul is hesitant, but awkwardly gets in position anyway.
DALE (CONT'D)
(whispering)
Hurry!
In an unavoidably sexual-looking motion, Saul begins to
gyrate against Dale's belt buckle.
DALE (CONT'D)
(hushed)
Yes! Yes! You know what this is called,
Saul? This is called saving you.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
The barn door slides open. Ted and Carol walk in.
98
TED
You have them?
BUDLOFSKY
Got them downstairs.
CAROL
Where did you find them?
BUDLOFSKY
We found Saul at his grandmother's and
Dale Denton busted in here like a madman,
armed to the teeth, and-
Budlofsky looks over at the man he shot.
BUDLOFSKY (CONT'D)
Yeah, he just plugged Frank and then I
disarmed him. We got `em both holed up
downstairs.
TED
He shot Frank? Jesus. Fuckin' Frank.
CAROL
Who the fuck is this Dale Denton?
EXT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Five Asian men lay on their stomachs in the tree line
dressed in black and armed with machine guns. One of them
stares through a pair of night-vision binoculars while
utilizing a listening device. We see his view of Ted and
hear what he hears.
TED
Well, we'll torture these two bastards
and find out everything they know. What
about the shipment? Ready to move out?
BUDLOFSKY
We'll be good to in 10 minutes or so.
The Asian leader nods and does some hand signals to his
men. The acknowledge they understand. He holds up a
flashlight and flashes three times. From the opposing
side of the barn two other flashlights blink back. They
all get up and start to slowly move towards the barn.
99
INT. OBSERVATION LAB - CONTINUOUS
Dale and Saul are still "humping" away.
DALE
This isn't working. Turn around. I'm
using my mouth.
Dale drops to his knees and starts gnawing at the tape on
Saul's hands. Suddenly, they hear approaching footsteps.
SAUL
(whispering)
Someone's coming!
DALE
(whispering)
Yo - if I cough, I'm going to make a
move, if I cough twice, you take the
lead. Got it?
SAUL
(whispering)
What? No! What if you actually cough?
Dale stands up just as Matheson walks in, gun drawn. Dale
looks at Saul and notices that he's managed to free his
hands.
Dale COUGHS TWICE. Saul shoots him a worried look and
shakes his head. Matheson notices. Saul COUGHS TWICE.
Dale shoots him a confused look. Saul motions at him and
COUGHS TWICE MORE.
MATHESON
Hey man, whatever you're doing, I get it,
okay? So just stop it, alright? Just cut
it-
DALE CHARGES DIRECTLY AT MATHESON!!!
BLAM! Matheson shoots at Dale's head! Dale falls to the
ground, specks of blood hitting Saul as he dives
forwards, TACKLING Matheson into the wall!
The Matheson's gun slides across the room, hitting Dale's
motionless body. Saul scrambles for the gun and grabs it.
Matheson gets to his feet. Saul turns and-
BLAM! He shoots Matheson in the gut.
100
MATHESON (CONT'D)
AAAHHHHH!!!
SAUL
Holy shit, man! I'm sorry!
Matheson writhes in pain.
MATHESON
AAAHHHHH!!! ARGH!!! YOU SHOT ME! I'VE
NEVER BEEN SHOT! HELP! HELP!
AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Saul turns to see Dale lying face down.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Ted and Carol talk as Budlofsky and the thugs silently
stands by. Ted is holding a large hunting knife.
TED
Has anyone seen my bigger knife?
(beat)
Do you guys hear that?
SUDDENLY, there is an EXPLOSION and a hole is blown in
the barn wall. Budlofsky is blasted back and badly torn
up.
BUDLOFSKY
Arg...
Asian assassins start pouring into the barn. One of them
sees the wounded Budlofsky and blasts him away with a
machine gun.
TED
BUDLOFSKY!!!
ASIAN ASSASSIN 1
(subtitled in Korean)
WAR IS UPON YOU!!!
RATA-TAT-TAT!!! Everyone opens fire!
INT. UNDERGROUND STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Matheson moans and groans behind Saul, who is staring at
Dale's motionless body. Horrified, he flips Dale over...
He's alive! The top of his left ear has been blown off!
101
SAUL
Dale? You're alive!
DALE
What happened?
Saul analyzes Dale's wound.
SAUL
They got your ear.
Behind Saul, Matheson tries to stand up, but immediately
falls back down.
DALE
(difficulty hearing)
My what?
SAUL
Here. Get up.
Saul helps Dale stand up, freeing his hands. Dale feels
his ear.
DALE
(in pain)
AAHHHH!!! MY EAR!!!
Dale turns to the injured Matheson.
DALE (CONT'D)
YOU KILLED MY EAR!!!
MATHESON
(to Saul)
You shot me..
SAUL
(to Matheson)
Well, you kneed my balls!
DALE
You shot him?
Dale notices Saul is holding a gun.
DALE (CONT'D)
Whoa.
Dale turns to Matheson, who has stopped moving.
102
DALE (CONT'D)
Uh...stay there.
They walk out the door and cautiously enter the forest of
weed.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
The Asians riddle the barn with bullets as they scream at
Ted and his men in Korean. The remaining thugs scamper
about, returning fire to the Asians. Ted and Carol hide
behind a vehicle.
CAROL
On three.
Ted nods.
CAROL (CONT'D)
One, two, three!
Carol and Ted pop up and unload their guns, hitting
several of their assailants. They watch in horror as
several more creep in through the hole the Escalade made.
CAROL (CONT'D)
You go down. I'll take care of this.
Ted nods as Carol steps out from behind her cover and
nails several assassins.
RAT-A-TAT-TAT!!! Carol is shot several times in the
chest! She lurches backwards, but does not fall. Her
bullet proof vest has taken the bullets.
CAROL (CONT'D)
ARGGG!!!
Carol continues firing and kills another attacker as Ted
runs for the trap door.
INT. GIANT UNDERGROUND GROW ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dale and Saul slowly make their way through the dense
marijuana foliage.
SAUL
Look at all this fucking weed, man. Where
the hell are we? Is this some underground
weed city we don't know about?
103
Saul suddenly GRABS Dale and pulls him down.
SAUL (CONT'D)
(whispering)
What's that noise?
DALE
(whispering)
I don't know! That guy just blew half my
fucking ear off!
SAUL
(pointing across the room)
There's some dudes in here. I saw them
when I got dragged down. And there's some
kind of super-suit or something.
DALE
Were they armed?
SAUL
(whispering)
I don't think so.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Dale and Saul both scramble along a row
of weed planets as bullets ricochet all around them. They
continue running and then stop.
DALE
I can't hear them.
Saul spots an air vent in the middle of the room.
SAUL
You could boost me up! We'll sneak out.
BLAM! BLAM! They are being shot at again.
DALE
Shoot back!
SAUL
Really?
DALE
YES!
Saul hesitantly takes aim and pulls the trigger. BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM!
DALE (CONT'D)
Now run!
104
They run and turn several corners when Saul suddenly
trips over a dead thug.
SAUL DALE
AH!!! WHOA!!!
DALE (CONT'D)
Nice. You got him.
Dale picks up the thug's machine gun. Suddenly, a thug
appears behind Saul.
THUG 7
Lance? Holy fuck! You sons-of-
Dale shoots right over Saul's shoulder and nails the thug
several times.
DALE
Holy shit. I killed him.
SAUL
About time you killed somebody. You're
the one whose supposed to be saving me,
and I`ve killed two bad guys already.
Saul looks to the vent in the middle of the room. Dale
looks at the pipe, sizes up Saul and himself, and takes a
deep breath.
DALE
You'll never be able to pull me up, but
I'll boost you up there and you just
fucking run for it, man.
SAUL
What? No fucking way, Dale. What about
you?
Dale cocks his gun.
DALE
Don't worry about me.
SAUL
Whoa. That was awesome.
Saul tucks the gun in his belt and awkwardly climbs atop
Dale's shoulders and tears the vent off.
SAUL (CONT'D)
You're a good man, Dale Denton.
105
Saul lifts himself in. SUDDENLY, Dale sees Ted enter the
room and immediately go for his gun.
DALE
Hold on!
SAUL
Wha-
Dale walks out from under Saul, raises his gun, and
unloads - RATA-TAT-TAT!!! Ted ducks as the plants around
him are torn asunder. Dale runs out of ammo.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Ted shoots at Saul, who narrowly avoids
the gunfire as he pulls himself into the vent. Ted
redirects his attention to Dale, who is running through
the bushes. Ted blasts off a few shots before Dale
vanishes into the foliage.
TED
Denton!!!
INT. VENT - CONTINUOUS
Saul wiggles his way through the vent. He turns a corner
and-
SAUL
AHHH!!!
There is a skeleton wedged in the vent. A grate leading
out is directly above the corpse. Saul squeamishly crawls
over the skeleton.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Ew. Gross, man. A fuckin' dead guy.
He spots dog tags around it's neck as he crawls by. They
read: Private Greg B. Miller.
EXT. OPEN FIELD - CONTINUOUS
Thirty feet from the barn there is an air vent sticking
out of the ground. The top flies off and Saul emerges. He
flops onto the ground, then immediately scampers to his
and pulls out his gun. Saul looks to the open road to
freedom, then back at the barn.
SAUL
Fuck...
106
INT. GIANT UNDERGROUND GROW ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dale frantically runs through the rows of plants, when
SUDDENLY he sees the strange scuba suit out of the corner
of his eye and swings his gun at it, nearly opening fire.
DALE
(whispering)
Oh god.
Dale slows down to catch his breath, staring at the
strange scuba suit. Then, he gets an idea.
ANGLE ON: Ted, quietly walking through the room
Ted raises his gun as he spins around a corner.
TED
Where are you, you son-of-a-bitch?
Ted turns another corner and sees the strange scuba suit.
He starts to walk past it, when he stops himself. He
creeps back and looks at it, suspicious. He walks closer,
breathing as quietly as he can, his gun clenched tightly.
He slowly reaches his hand out to lift the face-hatch. He
gently takes hold of the latch and is about to open it,
when-
Dale jumps out from behind him and swings a FIRE
EXTINGUISHER at Ted's face - SLAM!!! Ted drops his gun as
he falls to the floor.
DALE
Ha!
Ted leaps upwards and uppercuts Dale hard!!!
EXT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Saul inches towards the barn, hearing a melee of gunfire
and screams as he nears it. He cautiously peers in and
watches as Carol shoots an assassin in the chest then
spins around and shoots at another assassin who
desperately runs with a METAL BRIEFCASE handcuffed to his
wrist. Carol hits him several times; he lurches over and
falls through the trap door. She smiles and drops her
empty gun.
Saul watches Carol as she heads towards the trap door. He
takes a deep breath and CHARGES into the barn, unleashing
a barrage of bullets at her! BLAM BLAM BLAM! CLICK.
107
CLICK. CLICK. None of the bullets hit her. She turns and
sees Saul, who drops his empty gun.
SAUL
Fuck tha po-lice.
They both SCREAM in rage and CHARGE, fists flying as they
collide. Carol whips Saul around by his collar and hurls
him to the ground. She runs up and kicks him in the gut,
time and time again.
CAROL
I'm a fucking cop, you moron.
SAUL
AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!
Saul leaps to his feet and PUNCHES Carol in the face. He
PUNCHES her again. She reaches for her mace, so Saul
kicks her in the groin and grabs it for himself, then
sprays her in the face.
SLAM! He punches her in the face.
INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
Ted and Dale are squared off. Both are bloody lipped and
bruised. Dale continuously shucks and jives on the spot
as they talk.
DALE
You can't fucking take me. I'm young.
Virile. Prime of my life. You're old. Old
and dying.
TED
I don't know who you are, Denton, or why
you're trying to ruin my life, but you're
fuckin' dead!
Ted rips off his shirt, revealing dozens of fearsome
tattoos and scars. Dale quickly picks a grow light up off
the ground. Ted does the same. The humming of the grow
lights is heard as the two men walk in a circle, squared
off.
TED (CONT'D) DALE
AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
They both swing and their grow lights collide, sending
shards of glass everywhere.
108
Both receive several small cuts. The immediately charge
at each other and are soon grappling on the ground.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Carol writhes on the ground as Saul runs towards her with
a plank of wood. SMASH! He shatters it over her head.
Carol drops, unconscious.
Saul drops to his knees, exhausted.
SAUL
Crazy huff huff , psycho bitch...
MATHESON (O.S.)
Hey Saul!
Saul turns around to see Matheson clutching his bleeding
gut with one hand and a loaded gun with the other.
MATHESON (CONT'D)
I owe you one. In the gut. Then the
balls, and then the-
CRASH!!! Red's car SMASHES through the side of the barn
and SLAMS into Matheson, PULVERIZING him!!!
It lurches to a stop directly ON TOP OF THE HATCH leading
underground. Red steps out of the car.
RED
(to Matheson's corpse)
You just got killed by a Ford Fiesta
motherfucker!!! How you like me now!?!
SAUL
R...Red?
RED
Saul! `sup! Dude, me and that Dale guy
are rescuing you. And getting revenge on
those whose shot us in the gut.
BLAM! Red gets shot in the gut and drops!
SAUL
RED!!!
Saul spins around to see Carol standing behind him, a
machine gun aimed.
SAUL (CONT'D)
Oh no...
109
CAROL
Oh yeah!
INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
Ted and Dale grapple violently on the ground. His gut
jiggles as he lunges forwards, punching Dale in the
throat! Dale falls to his knees, gasping for air. Ted
kicks him in the head and picks up his GUN.
ANGLE ON: AN ASIAN ASSASSIN
Barely alive, the Asian Assassin with the briefcase drags
himself down the corridor and enters the grow room. He
opens the briefcase and we see that it is a bomb. The
assassin inserts a key.
Ted stands over Dale, aims the gun to his head, and-
KA-BOOM!!! THE BRIEFCASE EXPLODES!!!. Flames sweep over
the room as Dale rolls for cover. Ted gets blasted back.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
Saul tries to be brave as Carol takes final aim.
CAROL
Now prepare to eat shit and die-
KABOOM!!! The explosion BURSTS UP from the hatch with
incredible force. Saul and Carol get blown back as Red's
Ford Fiesta is sent flying up in the air. The flaming car
lands DIRECTLY on Carol and explodes. The entire barn is
now engulfed in flames.
INT. UNDERGROUND FACILITY - CONTINUOUS
The air thick with weed smoke, Dale slowly rises to his
feet. He sees Ted slumped against the wall, dead,
partially aflame. Dale walks over to Ted's body and takes
the gun out of his hand.
DALE
Sorry, Ted...
He pulls a small BLUE ENVELOPE out of his pocket and
drops it on Ted.
DALE (CONT'D)
...but you've been served.
110
Dale turns to see the exit blocked by a wall of fire. The
air is thick with smoke and he can barely breath. Dale
looks around desperately. He spots the FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
He looks at the flames. He takes a deep breath, picks up
the fire extinguisher, hurls it with all his might at the
fire, and then quickly whips out his gun and shoots at
it!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He hits the extinguisher and it
explodes, blasting out the fire in the hallway towards
the barn. Dale runs like hell.
As he bolts down the hallway, the flames rush back in and
chase after him.
INT. BARN - CONTINUOUS
The barn starts to buckle, when Dale suddenly leaps out
of the trap door, flames licking his heels. Coughing
profusely, Dale stands in the barn, then realizes his
pants are on fire.
DALE
Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Aaaahhhh!!!
Dale wriggles out of his pants and kicks them away.
DALE (CONT'D)
Ow. Ah. Ow. Okay... cough cough
He starts to walk out of the barn when he suddenly trips
over someone.
DALE (CONT'D)
Saul!
He grabs one of the unconscious Saul's feet and starts to
drag him out of the barn. Just a they exit, the barn
COLLAPSES in on itself, crumbling into a massive heap of
burning wood. Dale pulls Saul onto the grass. Saul starts
coughing.
DALE (CONT'D)
Saul! Cough Cough You're okay!
SAUL
(confused)
Cough Cough What the fuck happened?
DALE
We... Cough ...we did it. We beat them.
We won.
111
SAUL
No fucking way. Seriously?
(pointing at the fire)
How did that happen?
DALE
I have absolutely no idea.
SAUL
They were fighting Asian dudes, man.
DALE
Asian dudes? So, okay...maybe this is
revenge for that Asian dude I saw Ted
kill.
SAUL
So we're, like, in a drug war. That's
cool.
DALE
What's cool is that you came back for me
man. You did, right? You weren't just
captured again, were you?
SAUL
Hell no! I was scott-free. But how the
hell was I going to leave you there after
you came to save me? Fuck that.
They take a few deep breathes and each cough a bunch.
Suddenly, they see something moving in the rubble. RED
emerges, lightly crisped with his clothes on fire. He
roles around in the dirt trying to put himself out.
RED
Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. Light me on
fire? Kill my Fiesta? Fuckers.
DALE
Red? You okay?
Red pats out the flames and stands up, all charred and
covered in dirt.
RED
Fuck yeah, I'm fine. I'm Red. You're
makin' me feel like a broken record. Now
can we get the fuck out of this shit
hole.
They all stand up. Red puts his arms around Dale and Saul
for support. They start to hobble towards the forest.
112
SAUL
What should we do now? Can we go home?
DALE
I've gotta get downtown, try and win
Angie back.
SAUL
Tell her you cut off your ear for her,
like that crazy artist.
(beat)
But, seriously dude, your joking right?
She'll never take you back, ever. Just
grow up and date a woman your own age.
DALE
Do you think we should have looked for
the ear? They probably could've re-
attached it, eh? I mean, this ear thing
kind of fucking sucks.
RED
Oh my god, they blew your ear off, man!
Fuck that's gross. Can you dudes switch
sides? I don't want to look at it.
SAUL
Don't worry, man. Look at Evander
Holyfield, he looks totally normal. And
plus, I saw this thing on the Discovery
Channel, they can actually grow ears,
like, in a petri dish, or even on the
side of a mouse. And you only need half
of one. It'll be a fuckin' cinch.
DALE
I just realized I've 100% lost my job by
now. I haven't called in for days.
SAUL
Who fuckin' cares? I thought you wanted
to be a talk radio dude anyways? And,
like, I never said anything, but you do
have the voice. Like, when I didn't know
what you did, I kind of thought you might
have been doing cartoon voices, you know,
like that Shrek shit, and that's why you
wore a suit.
RED
You do have a good talk radio voice. I
love that shit, too. I...wait, say
something again?
113
DALE
What? Why?
RED
You're that dude whose always calling
KSTAR about havin' two garbage days. I
totally agree with you, man. I work out
of my house, and it's, like, one of my
main concerns, garbage pile up.
DALE
Saul, what're you going to do?
SAUL
Work at a bong shop.
RED
I'm still selling weed. Fuck you guys.
They walk together in silence, delighted at their new
prospects. After a brief moment, Saul suddenly seems
afraid. He starts nervously looking back towards the
barn.
SAUL
Do you hear something?
Dale motions at his wounded ear.
DALE
All I hear is ringing.
SAUL
Dude, I'm kind of freakin' out. Like...I
don't know...like, there might be someone
out there. I mean...how do we know we got
them all?
RED
What the fuck are you guys talkin' about?
I don't hear shit.
Dale starts getting nervous, but tries to hide it.
DALE
Well...the barn did collapse in a ball of
fire, and we probably each inhaled about
ten pounds of weed smoke, so...it's just,
you know-
Dale suddenly looks over his shoulder, but sees nothing.
114
DALE (CONT'D)
...a little paranoia.
Saul grabs Dale.
SAUL
(whispering)
Stop!
They freeze.
RED
(whispering)
Are you guys fuckin' with me?
DALE
(whispering)
What-
SAUL RED
(whispering) (whispering)
Sshh! Sshh!
DALE (CONT'D)
(whispering)
What is-
SAUL
(whispering)
Sshh! Can you hear that?
DALE
(whispering)
What?
RED
(whispering)
Oh fuck. I'm freakin' out.
SAUL
(whispering)
Just listen.
Dale listens intently.
DALE
(whispering)
I literally only hear ringing.
They stand in silence.
RED
Fuck this noise!
115
Red pushes himself off Dale and Saul and run into the
darkness.
DALE
I'm following him.
SAUL
Wait! Me too!
With the barn's flaming remains the only light in sight,
Dale and Saul run off into the endless, dark country
side. And as enchanting music fills the air, we humbly...
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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