There's Something About Mary - by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
There's Something About Mary
Screenplay by
Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
and
Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
(FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY)
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
OCTOBER 21, 1997
FADE IN:
EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
PELOQUIN.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
When I was sixteen years old I fell in
love...
CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.
TED
Hey, Renise.
She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.
RENISE
Hey.
TED
So what's up?
RENISE
Eh.
TED
Great. Great.
(beat)
So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to go to the prom you know, with
me.
Renise looks unenthused.
TED (cont'd)
It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
want.
RENISE
See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
this guy I like was gonna ask me.
TED
Uh-huh.
RENISE
Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
happens there...But that sounds great,
yeah.
Ted nods, confused.
TED
Okay.
(beat)
So is that a yes or a no?
RENISE
I think I was very clear, Ted. If
everything else falls apart, maybe.
Renise throws down her butt and storms off.
TED
I'm gonna hold you to that.
CUT TO:
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT
ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
years earlier.
She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
better life if you could only know her.
As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.
FRIEND #1
Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
with?
Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.
TED
Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
know, not my style.
FRIEND #2
You have a style?
FRIEND #1
Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?
TED
(perks up)
Who?
Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.
FRIEND #1
Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
spend enough fucking time with her.
The guys LAUGH.
TED
(out of ammo but doesn't
know it)
Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
palm?
His friends stare at him.
FRIEND #1
Clever. I like the way you just spun that
around on me.
Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.
FRIEND #2
I wonder who she's going with.
FRIEND #1
Some guy named Woogie.
TED
Who?
FRIEND #1
Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.
This irks Ted.
TED
Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
a loser.
FRIEND #1
Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
and basketball and valedictorian of his
class.
FRIEND #2
I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
but he's going to Europe first to model.
This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.
FRIEND #3
Yeah and he's got a huge cock.
Everyone looks at him.
FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
I heard.
Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.
FRIEND #1
Hey, check it out.
THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?
CAR HOOD KID #2
No.
The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?
ON CAR HOOD KIDS
CAR HOOD KID #1
(to his buddies)
This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
(to Ear-Muff Guy)
Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
your ball is.
The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?
CAR HOOD KID #1
Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
has it.
Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.
CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
has another name for it...
CUT TO:
ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?
GIRL
What?!
EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?
The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.
BOYFRIEND
You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!
The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.
TED
Take it easy, Smokey.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!
TED
All right, just be cool.
(under breath)
He looks like he's not all there, you know
what I mean?
A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Get the fuck out of my way, man!
Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.
MARY
What's going on here?
She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.
MARY (cont'd)
Are you all right?
EAR-MUFF GUY
Mary, you seen my baseball?
MARY
No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
Warren, you know you're not supposed to
leave the yard by yourself.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
(to Mary)
You know him?
MARY
He's my brother.
BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Oh.
(beat)
I didn't realize he was...you know...
At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.
Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.
MARY
You okay?
HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
himself off.
TED
Oh yeah. Fine.
MARY
Thanks a lot, Ted.
CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
my best friends didn't know my name.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING
Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.
MARY
Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
yourself?
TED
No, it's an old football injury.
MARY
Oh, are you on the team?
TED
No, a couple of the players and me were
joking around and, uh, I fell off the
school.
Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.
WARREN
Piggyback ride?
MARY
Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.
Warren pats his back again.
WARREN
Piggyback ride.
TED
(to Mary)
I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.
MARY
Oh he can hold you. He weighs
two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.
TED
A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?
Ted hops onto Warren's back.
TED (cont'd)
Giddy-up.
Warren walks about five feet and stops.
WARREN
My turn now.
Off Ted's reaction, we
CUT TO:
EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY
Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.
TED
(straining)
We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?
WARREN
Giddy-up.
Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
on, amused.
MARY
So who you taking to the prom?
TED
Huh?
MARY
The prom--you going?
TED
Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
dumb.
MARY
'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
if you weren't already taking someone.
TED
I mean dumb in the sense that they only
happen once a year.
She smiles at this.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
From that moment on the guys at school
looked at me in a whole new light.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON FRIEND #1
FRIEND #1
You're a fucking liar!
EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.
FRIEND #2
You expect us to believe you're going to
the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?
TED
They broke up. She said he started getting
weird on her.
FRIEND #1
I got twenty bucks says you're full of
shit.
TED
Oh come on, why would I lie?
FRIEND #1
Because you're a loser, and in some warped
way this gives you a momentary sense of
worth.
FRIEND #2
Put me down for fifty.
FRIEND #3
I'm in.
As the others join in, we
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.
EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT
Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.
MARY'S DAD
Yeah? What do you want?
TED
Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
Mary to the prom.
MARY'S DAD
Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
just left for the prom with her boyfriend
Woogie.
Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.
MARY'S MOM
Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
joke a minute.
TED
Oh.
(relieved)
Oh, that's a good one.
INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.
TED
Hey, Warren.
Warren doesn't look his way.
Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
his eyes.
MARY
Hi, Ted.
TED
Hi, Mary.
MARY'S MOM
Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
barrels from the Wisenheimer here.
MARY
Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?
Mary's Dad shrugs.
MARY (cont'd)
Warren, did you say hi to Ted?
WARREN
(not looking up)
'Bout ten times.
TED
Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
baseball is.
This finally gets Warren's attention.
WARREN
You seen my baseball?
We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.
TED
Well, if it's a big white one with red
stitching, I think I saw it right behind
your ear ..
Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.
MARY
Warren!!!
Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.
ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.
BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
HEADLOCK.
MARY'S DAD
(to Ted)
What the hell are you doing?!
MARY'S MOM
Teddy, let him go!
TED
(out of breath)
I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.
The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.
MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
(to Ted)
Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
doing?!
TED
I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
baseball.
MARY'S MOM
What baseball? Where's a baseball?
Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.
TED
There was a ball I had a honest.
As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
the couch.
MARY (to Ted)
I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
thing about his ears.
TED
Oh. Okay. I gotcha.
MARY
Are you all right?
TED
Oh yeah.
MARY'S MOM
(to Mary)
Honey, now you're all wrinkled.
Mary looks down and frowns.
MARY
Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
I have to iron this thing.
Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.
Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.
TED
(to Mary's Dad)
May I use your bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT
Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.
TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.
Ted smiles...
...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...
SNAP FOCUS
...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.
ON TED...
...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
HORRIFIED.
PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and
TED
YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!
CUT TO:
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT
A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
bathroom.
MARY
(knocking gently)
Ted, are you okay?
TED (O.S.)
(pained)
Just a minute.
MARY'S MOM
He's been in there over half an hour.
(whispering)
Charlie, I think he's masturbating.
MARY
Mom!
MARY'S MOM
Well he was watching you undress with a
silly grin on his face.
TED (O.S.)
(pained)
I was watching the birds!
They all look at one another.
MARY'S MOM
Charlie, do something.
MARY'S DAD
All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.
MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
What seems to be the situation here? You
shit yourself or something?
TED
I wish.
Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.
TED (cont'd)
I, uh...I got it stuck.
MARY'S DAD
You got what stuck?
TED
It.
MARY'S DAD
It?
(beat)
Oh it. All right, these things happen,
let me have a look. It's not the end of the
world.
Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...
MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
TED (O.S.)
Shhhhhh!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
MARY'S DAD
(CALLS OUT)
Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!
TED
What?! No please, sir--
MARY'S DAD
She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
to do.
Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.
MARY'S MOM
Teddy, hon, are you okay?
(moving closer, seeing the situation)
OH HEAVENS TO PETE!
TED
Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.
MARY'S MOM
Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
are we looking at here?
TED
(dizzy)
What do you mean?
MARY'S MOM
(delicate)
I mean is it...is it...?
MARY'S DAD
(gruff)
Is it the frank or the beans?
TED
I think a little of both.
Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:
WARREN (O.S.)
Franks and beans!
Ted hangs his head.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.
MARY
(to Warren)
Shhhh.
MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
What the hell's that bubble?
Mary REACTS to this.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
TED
One guess.
MARY'S DAD
How the hell'd you get the beans all the
way up top like that?
TED
I don't know. It's not like it was a well
thought-out plan.
MARY'S MOM
Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
through there.
MARY'S DAD
I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
was about, pumpkin.
MARY'S MOM
I'm going to get some Bactine.
TED
No, please!
Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.
POLICE OFFICER
Ho there.
TED
(humiliated)
Oh God.
POLICE OFFICER
Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
heard a lady scream.
MARY'S DAD
You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
look at this beauty.
TED
No, that's really unneces--
But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.
POLICE OFFICER
Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
you thinking?
TED
(frustrated)
I wasn't trying--
POLICE OFFICER
Is that bubble what I think it is?
Mary's parents nod.
POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
the way to the top?
MARY'S DAD
Let's just say the kid's limber.
The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.
POLICE OFFICER
Well, there's only one thing to do.
TED
No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
shirttail out and work on it in the
morning.
POLICE OFFICER
Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.
The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.
TED
No, no, please!
MARY'S MOM
Teddy, be brave.
WARREN (O.S.)
Beans and franks!
MARY (O.S.)
Warren, shhh.
Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.
POLICE OFFICER
It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
A-one and a-two and...
CUT TO:
PARAMEDIC
We got a bleeder!
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.
PARAMEDIC
(to Mary)
Keep pressure on it!
Mary does as she's told.
MARY
(running along)
Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
okay?
TED
(irrational cockiness)
You betcha!
He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.
INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS
The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY
Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.
TED
...Anyway, school ended a few days later
and that July her father got transferred to
Florida.
The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.
TED (cont'd)
It took me half the summer to pay off all
those bets.
(sighs)
I never did see Mary again. That was about
twelve years ago.
Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
collar.)
PSYCHIATRIST
Uh-huh. Interesting.
The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.
TED
Anyway, it's not something you exactly
forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
it out of my head. Then about a week ago
I'm driving on the highway and I got to
thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
of traffic anymore I felt like I was
going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
parked the car, and just started shaking.
The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.
PSYCHIATRIST
You know...rest areas are homosexual
hang-outs.
TED
Huh?
PSYCHIATRIST
Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
of the nineties for some gay men.
Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.
TED
What are you saying?
PSYCHIATRIST
(checking wristwatch)
Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
that next week.
Off Ted's look, we
CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY
Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.
DOM
Gay? He said you were gay?
TED
He implied it.
DOM
Well you're a writer, and a lot of
writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.
TED
Yeah, but he was successful.
DOM
Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?
Ted appears to think about this.
TED
Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.
DOM
I'm going to fix you up with my new
assistant.
TED
What's he like?
Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.
DOM
You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
(beat)
You're going to like this one--she's half
Asian, half American.
TED
Good-looking?
DOM
I just told you, she's half Asian. half
American. They're all good looking. You
could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
a foolproof combo.
Ted thinks about it.
TED
What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
in a slump.
(SIGHS)
Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
a loser.
DOM
Loser? You?
Ted shrugs.
DOM (cont'd)
Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
when your kidneys failed? If you were a
loser would they have been able to find a
donor with an exact tissue match? What are
the odds of that, one in a million?
TED
Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
killed in an explosion?
DOM
I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
those kids found his kidneys.
(beat)
Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
shit about you.
Ted gives him a look.
DOM (cont'd)
You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.
Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.
TED
I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
(flips phone open)
Ted here.
GARBLED VOICE
(on phone)
You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
puke!
Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.
TED
Yep.
EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY
Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.
DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.
DOM'S WIFE
I thought you guys might like these with
your beers.
DOM
Thanks, baby.
She goes back inside.
TED
See, that's what I want. I don't need these
bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
you have. A family....Someone to...you
know...love.
These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
little embarrassed.
TED (cont'd)
It must be great with a wife like that.
DOM
Each day is better than the next.
(beat)
Have you ever been, you know...in love with
someone?
TED
Nah.
DOM
Never?
TED
Well once. Mary.
Dom SIGHS.
DOM
Mary again.
TED
Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
years.
DOM
Whatever happened to Mary?
TED
I told you, her family moved to Miami.
DOM
I mean since then.
TED
I don't know.
DOM
Well why don't you look her up?
TED
(sarcastic)
Yeah, right.
DOM
Why not?
TED
Because I guarantee she's married and has a
couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
single.
DOM
What if you're wrong? You just said she's
the only girl you ever loved, what have you
got to lose by calling her?
TED
I did try calling her.
(sheepish)
A few years ago. She wasn't listed.
DOM
So that was it? One bump in the road and
you gave up?
TED
I also called Unsolved Mysteries.
DOM
You're kidding? What did they say?
TED
They told me they don't help out stalkers.
(beat)
Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
time.
DOM
I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
out there, he follows her around a couple
days, she'll never know a thing.
Ted considers this.
TED
No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.
Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.
DOM
Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
my office who might be able to help you
out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
to Miami every couple weeks.
As Ted thinks about this, we
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING
Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.
TED
I don't know about this, Dom.
DOM
Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
office; some bullshit about padding his
resume--like we haven't all done that.
Anyway, they were going to let him go but
his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
ended up on my desk.
TED
His mother?
DOM
Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
something--so I went out on a limb and got
him transferred down to Providence.
TED
And you think he could find out her number
for me?
DOM
He'll do better than that. I'll send him
down to Miami on business, you throw him a
couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
her down.
Ted thinks about this.
DOM (cont'd)
Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
little hot, but he gets the job done.
CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING
Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.
HEALY
So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
lady-friend you knew in high school.
TED
Uh-huh.
HEALY
Any idea where I might start looking?
TED
She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
I checked directory assistance down there
and she's not listed. She might've moved
ten times since then.
HEALY
(skeptical)
All you want is a phone number?
TED
Well, I know you're busy
HEALY
Don't play games with me, Ted.
TED
I don't know, maybe you could poke around
for a half day and see if she has five kids
and a Labrador.
HEALY
I don't buy it.
TED
You don't buy what?
Suddenly Healy is in his face.
HEALY
Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
Did you knock this skirt up?
TED
(indignant)
No.
HEALY
She's blackmailing you, right?
TED
(more indignant)
No.
HEALY
You want her dead, don't you?
TED
You can't be serious.
HEALY
Do you really expect me to believe this is
a straight stalker case?
TED
I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.
HEALY
Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
number and you haven't heard squat from her
in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
You're a real piece of work.
TED
(stands)
Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
whole thing.
HEALY
I get one hundred a day plus expenses.
TED
(LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
You get fifty a day, period. It's a
business trip, they'll pay for your
expenses.
Healy thinks about it.
HEALY
Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
on you.
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach
EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY
Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.
SULLY
Healy you dog!
HEALY
(checking out car)
Fucking Sully! Look at you!
SULLY
(Boston accent)
You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY
The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
packet.
SULLY
Here's the info you asked for.
HEALY
Thanks.
SULLY
You should thank me--that girl was not easy
to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
insurance dough?
HEALY
Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
down his high school girlfriend.
SULLY
Stalker, huh?
HEALY
Big time.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY
This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.
HEALY
Very nice.
SULLY
I'm doing okay.
(checks watch)
I gotta get ready for work.
Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.
HEALY
Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
Looks like you really cleaned up your act.
SULLY (O.S.)
What can I tell you? It's a healthier
lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
I worked with back in Boston, they were a
bad influence.
HEALY
Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
grab a couple drinks.
SULLY (O.S.)
Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.
HEALY
Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?
Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.
HEALY (cont'd)
What the...?!
Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.
SULLY
Take it easy, that's Bill.
HEALY
Tell Bill to get the fuck off!
SULLY
(smiling)
Relax, he just ate.
Healy just stares at his friend.
SULLY (cont'd)
(proudly)
Nineteen months I been sober.
HEALY
What are you talking about? You were never
an alky, you were a cokehead.
SULLY
Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
quit the booze, too.
HEALY
Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
proud of you.
Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.
HEALY (cont'd)
Here, just have one of these then.
SULLY
Healy, what I just tell you?
HEALY
This is a light beer. You can't have a
light beer?
SULLY
No I can't.
Healy stares at him, baffled.
HEALY
Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
sakes.
(holds up beer)
Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.
Sully stares at the beer, weakening.
HEALY (cont'd)
I'm worried about you, man. You better
learn to have a pop once in a while or
you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.
SULLY
Am I?
HEALY
Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
me...you're gonna break.
Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
sips.
SULLY
Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
even taste good to me anymore.
HEALY
Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
you, spotting?
Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we
CUT TO:
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN
Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.
Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
binoculars toward...
HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET
Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.
CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:
HEALY
(into recorder)
Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
affirmative.
INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY
Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.
MARY
Have you been up all night again?
MAGDA
Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
Neighborhood Watch is.
MARY
Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
listening in on stranger's phone
conversations?
MAGDA
These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
This only picks up signals in a half-mile
radius.
MARY
Meaning?
MAGDA
Meaning these are the people you live
amongst, you got a right to know if they're
creeps. For instance, did you know there's
a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?
MARY
(feigning shock)
You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
move.
MAGDA
I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
something was up because Puffy used to bark
like hell whenever he saw him and you know
Puffy only barks at bad people.
Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.
MARY
Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.
MAGDA
That's because there's a lot of bad people
out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
for yourself, didn't you?
MARY
Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
huh.
Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.
CUT TO:
MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.
EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING
Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING
Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.
ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.
HEALY
(into mic)
Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.
EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING
Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.
PAN TO Healy watching from his car.
HEALY
(into mic)
Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
or we've got a hurler on our hands.
EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING
Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.
Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.
MARY
Get in line. One at a time.
A fat patient, GARY, approaches.
GARY
Can I have two, Mary?
MARY
Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
everyone else.
GARY
Thanks.
Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.
FREDDIE
Will you marry me, Mary?
MARY
Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
Dolores?
Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.
FREDDIE
Would you marry us both, Mary?
MARY
Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
wouldn't it?
Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.
MARY (cont'd)
Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
looked just like you here a minute ago.
Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.
CLOSE ON Healy.
HEALY
(into mic)
Ixnay on the big appetite.
(beat)
She's just got a big heart.
EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY
Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Magazine.
LISA
Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'
BRENDA
What does this girl want, a corpse? You
gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
with three pound cock and trust fund.'
JOANIE
No, it should be 'a hockey player with
great pecs.'
MARY
Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
hammock.
PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.
BRENDA (O.S.)
(to Mary)
I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?
BACK ON Mary and friends.
MARY
I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
You can have those pretty boys who hang out
in a gym all day staring at their
reflections.
ON HEALY
HEALY
(quietly into mic)
A girl after your own heart, Ted.
BACK ON Mary and friends.
JOANIE
I can live with those reflections.
MARY
I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
and playing thirty-six holes and still has
enough energy to take me and Warren out to
a ballgame.
JOANIE
(sarcastic)
Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
to find a guy like that.
MARY
But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
about has got to be self-employed.
LISA
You mean, like an architect or something?
MARY
Architect, yeah.
BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.
MARY
No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
talking about. See, this guy has to have a
job he could do anywhere. That way we could
just up and leave at the drop of a hat.
LISA
And where would you and your beer-bellied
architect be leaving to?
MARY
I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
Nepal.
JOANIE
Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
halfway to Katmandu.
MARY
What's that supposed to mean?
JOANIE
It means you're too hard on guys.
MARY
No I'm not.
JOANIE
Oh come off it, Mare. What about
what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
at least passed the baton on that one.
The girls LAUGH.
MARY
Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
awhile.
JOANIE
All right for awhile? The guy's
good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.
LISA
At one point you were talking about
marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?
Mary thinks about this.
MARY
I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
(dodging question)
Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.
JOANIE
Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
said you were putting her up for a
month--it's been a year and a half.
MARY
Ah, she's okay.
LISA
Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
with Steve?
MARY
Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
(sighs)
Warren.
JOANIE
What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.
MARY
I don't want someone who'll put up with
him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
way I do. Do you know what he told my
friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
in my life.
(beat)
Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.
Everyone is touched by this. Then:
BRENDA
Well, that's the last time I blow him
behind your back.
As the girls LAUGH, we
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.
HEALY
Hello...? Sully...?
(beat)
Sully, that you?
SULLY (V.O.)
(over phone)
Who the fuck is it to you?
HEALY
Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
there?
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.
SULLY
(into phone, sloshed)
Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
don't stink. Well I got news for
you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
hell are ya?!
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy looks at the phone, concerned.
HEALY
Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
I'm still staking out this girl's
apartment.
SULLY (V.O.)
You found my car?!
Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
his seat.
ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
the bag.
HOMELESS MAN
Thanks, Mary.
MARY
You watch out for yourself, Herb.
As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we
HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.
MAGDA
Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
cop's staking out this broad's apartment.
MARY
No time, Magda, my show's starting.
BACK ON HEALY...
... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.
MAGDA (V.O.)
This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
partner's all lubed up.
HEALY
(quietly into phone)
Call you back.
SULLY
(over phone)
God, I miss ya, ya fuck-
Healy hangs up abruptly.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
MAGDA
Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.
Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.
ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.
HEALY
Fucking Barney...he never learns...
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.
BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.
HEALY
(into mic)
Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
shot.
Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.
ON HEALY - he cringes.
HEALY (cont'd)
Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
Boy....
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.
ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.
ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.
HEALY (cont'd)
Oh sweet Jesus
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY
Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.
HEALY
I've got some very, very good news for you,
my friend.
TED
Really?
(perking up)
Very, very?
Healy sits down and motions for a beer.
HEALY
I think your life's about to change.
TED
So you found Mary?
HEALY
Right there in Liberty City. And you were
right, she's really something.
TED
(smiles)
So she hasn't changed?
HEALY
That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
something: Was she a little big-boned
in high school?
TED
No, not at all.
HEALY
Well she must've packed on a few pounds
over the years.
This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.
TED
Mary's a little chubby, huh?
HEALY
I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
Not bad.
Ted's smile starts to fade.
HEALY (cont'd)
But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
you're going to put on a few pounds.
TED
So she's married?
HEALY
Nope. Never been.
TED
Huh?
HEALY
Four kids, three different guys.
TED
Three different guys?
HEALY
Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
whites, and a midget.
TED
Oh my.
HEALY
Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.
TED
She's in a wheelchair?!
Ted looks completely drained.
HEALY
Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
last twelve years, haven't you?
TED
(shrugs)
It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
thought...
HEALY
Anyway, the good news is I have all the
information you need. Got it from her
bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
to get those rugrats off welfare and with
your help I'll bet she does it.
Ted stands and starts moping away.
TED
Thanks, Healy. Good work.
HEALY
Ted? Don't you want the name of the
housing project?
TED
Uh, that's okay.
HEALY
You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
hear from you before her mastectomy!
As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
it.
TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
Mary.
As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.
TED
What are you doing?
HEALY
Oh, uh, I resigned.
Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.
TED
Miami?
HEALY
Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
for me. I'm going to go down and try my
hand at jai alai.
TED
Jai alai?
HEALY
Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
home in the fronton.
Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.
TED
Look, uh, I've been thinking about
everything you told me.
HEALY
Good good.
TED
Well I think you're right, I should look
her up.
HEALY
Rollerpig? Are you nuts?
TED
But you said she was a sparkplug...?
HEALY
I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.
TED
All the same, I still want to call her. I
know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
maybe I can help her out.
(sighs)
The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
wheelchair for Godsakes.
HEALY
It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.
TED
Oh. I thought
(beat)
That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
make any sense to you, but I just can't
turn it off that fast. I still feel
something for her.
Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.
HEALY
Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
for you just as soon as she gets back from
Japan.
TED
Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
HEALY
You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
they go that way, too.
Ted is devastated.
TED
Mary's a mail-order bride?
HEALY
Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
pound there. Sort of like tuna.
Off Ted's look, we
CUT TO:
EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY
Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.
TED
That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
procrastinate about anything again. Life is
too fucking short.
DOM
Hey, look on the bright side--
TED
(interrupting)
What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?
DOM
Well...at least now you know.
TED
I think it was better when I didn't. It was
kind of inspiring to know there was someone
so pure in the world.
As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.
TED
What's so funny?
DOM
I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
out that getting your dick stuck in your
zipper was the best thing that ever
happened to you!
Ted flinches at this.
TED
Wait a second, I never told you that.
DOM
Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.
Ted thinks it over.
TED
Maybe you're right. I should look on the
bright side. I mean, I've still got my
health...
(checks watch)
I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
apartment.
DOM
What? On your day off? Do you even know
the guy?
TED
Never met him.
DOM
Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.
TED
Amen to that.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY
Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
jauntily to...
A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S
Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.
HEALY
Hit a house! Bite bite!
(to Mary)
Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.
Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
and
HEALY (cont'd)
Hey, can you give me some tips here?
She cracks her shot long and straight.
MARY
Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.
HEALY
Thanks.
Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.
HEALY (cont'd)
I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?
MARY
(annoyed)
No thanks.
Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.
HEALY
Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.
MARY
(interested)
Nepal? Have you been?
HEALY
Not in months. I don't even know why I
bought the damn place.
MARY
You own a home there?
HEALY
Well...it's just a condo really. Right
outside Katmandu.
MARY
Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
you can't see the tops?
HEALY
Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
from the summit. That's been my experience
anyway.
She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.
HEALY (cont'd)
You know, I should just get going. I'll
work on my game next week.
He flips her a coin.
HEALY (cont'd)
Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.
MARY
(smiles)
Thanks.
Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?
MARY (cont'd)
(CALLS after him)
It was nice meeting you!
Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.
Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...
EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY
Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
Honda Civic.
He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
second chance.
MARY
Well, it was nice meeting you, again.
HEALY
Same here again.
MARY
By the way, what's your name?
HEALY
Pat Healy.
There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
usual questions?
MARY
Don't you want to know my name?
HEALY
I already know it, Mary.
MARY
(surprised)
How'd you know that?
HEALY
It's right there on your golf bag.
Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.
MARY
What are you doing with all these
blueprints?
HEALY
Some buildings I'm working on.
MARY
Are you...an architect?
HEALY
Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.
Mary stares at him, mouth agape.
HEALY (cont'd)
I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
me an architect--it's just a job really, a
way to keep me moving. My real passion is
my hobby.
MARY
What's that?
HEALY
I work with retards.
MARY
(taken aback)
I beg your pardon?
HEALY
You know...
(flaps lips with fingers)
...the guys who ride the short bus.
MARY
(put off)
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
HEALY
The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
who I can and can't work with.
MARY
No, I mean
HEALY
--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
of his cage once and--
MARY
--He's in a cage?!
HEALY
Well it's more of an enclosure really.
MARY
They keep him confined? That's bullshit!
HEALY
That's what I said, so I went out and got
him a leash you know, one of those
clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
got plenty of room out there to dig. The
kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
to ball games, movies--you know, happy
stuff.
MARY
That sounds like fun.
HEALY
Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
for me.
(getting emotional)
Those goofy bastards are just about the
best thing I have in this crazy old world.
(checks watch)
Ooh, hey, I gotta run.
MARY
(won back over)
Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
have dinner sometime.
Healy smiles at this and we
CUT TO:
EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.
A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
scratch that thing, huh?
TED
(straining)
What?
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
You heard me. You already put a fucking
nick in my piano.
TED
(biting tongue)
I'll try to be more careful.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
S'matter with you? You look like you're
fading.
TED
The thing's kind of heavy.
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
what heavy feels like, you insensitive
prick.
TED
No, I just meant...
BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
cup of coffee.
The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.
ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
Hey you!
Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
her heels.
T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
Do you know that you're parked in a
handicapped spot?
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.
DR. LALONDE
(smirking)
So...I see you made the news.
TED
(angry and embarrassed)
It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
in a wheelchair.
DR. LALONDE
(dubious)
Uh-huh. Where was he?
TED
Out getting coffee.
DR. LALONDE
Yeah, that's more or less what the others
said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
meet him here...picking up my grandma...
Ted turns and GLARES at him.
DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
I'm just saying...They sure made you look
dumb.
Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.
TED
Bob, do you remember Mary?
DR. LALONDE
Who?
TED
Mary.
DR. LALONDE
From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
about six months ago at a convention in Las
Vegas.
Ted sits up.
TED
A convention? How'd you see her at a
convention?
DR. LALONDE
I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
orthopedic surgeon.
The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.
DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
What a babe...
Ted sits up on his elbows.
TED
Babe?
CUT TO:
INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
his face.
TED
Mary's a babe!
DOM
What?
TED
My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
little gambling problem, she plays the
football cards a bit too much, but she's a
babe, a surgeon babe!
DOM
Huh? But why did Healy?
TED
Well think about it.
Ted folds his arms.
DOM
No You mean...?
TED
Uh-huh.
DOM
The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
her up.
TED
(nodding)
That sneaky prick was probably practicing
his jai alai.
Dom shakes his head. Then:
DOM
Well then you've got to call her, man.
TED
Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
lap.
MAGDA
So who's the lucky guy?
MARY
Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
range.
MAGDA
Good lookin'?
MARY
He's no Steve Young.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69
Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.
MAGDA (V.O.)
What's he like?
MARY (V.O.)
I don't know. He's kind of a mook.
MAGDA (V.O.)
What's a mook?
MARY (V.O.)
You know, a mookalone, a schlep.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
MAGDA
Then why you going out with him if he's a
schlep?
MARY
Come on, Magda
(SIGHS)
It's like that movie Harold and Maude.
MAGDA
I don't watch the new ones.
MARY
This one's almost thirty years old. It's
about a young kid and an old lady who fall
in love.
MAGDA
That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
an old lady go for a young kid?
Mary smiles at this.
MARY
The point is, love isn't about money or
social standing or age, it's about
connecting with someone, having things in
common kindred spirits.
MAGDA
Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
here's gonna tell you all you need to know
about this guy in about two seconds flat.
If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
keeper.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
As Healy thinks about this, we
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Healy enters the building.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
mail slot.
HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.
Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.
Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in.
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
in amazement.
HEALY
(baby talk)
Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
rubbed, doesn't he now?
MARY
Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
doesn't usually like guys.
MAGDA
You mean he doesn't like bad guys.
HEALY
'That right?
MAGDA
He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
aren't ya?
HEALY
Truth is I usually get along better with
animals than with people. In Nepal the
villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
means 'man who is loved by many animals...
(babbling)
...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'
Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.
MAGDA
Would you like a glass of tea or something?
HEALY
You got a brew?
MARY
Sure.
(noticing Magda's trance)
Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
cheese and crackers...?
MAGDA
Oh, yeah, of course, dear.
The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.
MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?
HEALY
(CALLING out)
Great.
He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.
MAGDA (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?
HEALY
(CALLING out)
No, thanks.
(panicking)
Love a little bundt cake if you have some!
INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME
Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.
MAGDA
Bundt cake?
MARY
(shrugs)
Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
find some cookies.
As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...
INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME
A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....
HEALY
(quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
Come on, man, stay away from the light!
Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.
Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.
ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
SPARKS FLY.
Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.
ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
FLAMES.
When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.
With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!
MAGDA
All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
that sound, honey?
Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.
HEALY
(petting dog)
Fine. Fine.
MARY
Here you go.
(sniffs)
What's that smell?
Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT
Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.
HEALY
The museum? I thought we were going out to
dinner?
MARY
We will, but first I have a surprise.
HEALY
A surprise?
MARY
The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
is going to be here. He's an architect,
too. You guys will have tons to talk about.
CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.
INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT
Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.
MARY
I know he's around here someplace.
HEALY
(chipper)
What say we get outta here and go crush a
bucket?
MARY
We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
this stuff great?
Mary points to an architectural model.
MARY (cont'd)
Is this one art deco or art nouveau?
HEALY
Deco.
MARY
Would you call that a portico or a
vestibule?
HEALY
That...? Vestibule.
MARY
How about--?
HEALY
When you look at architecture, try not to
concern yourself with the pieces--look at
the building in its totalitarianism.
Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.
HEALY (cont'd)
Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
here, goofy.
He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.
MARY
Tucker!
Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.
TUCKER
(still hugging)
Come on, like you mean it.
Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:
MARY
Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
Healy and Tucker shake hands.
TUCKER
Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.
HEALY
Same here.
MARY
Pat's an architect, too.
TUCKER
Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?
HEALY
(keeping cool)
Mainly I work out of Boston.
TUCKER
Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
there?
HEALY
Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.
TUCKER
Harvard?
HEALY
You bet.
TUCKER
(pleased)
Did you study under Kim Greene?
HEALY
Among others.
TUCKER
Kim and I are close friends!
HEALY
Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.
TUCKER
You mean him.
BEAT.
HEALY
Well...that's debatable.
Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
doubt.
TUCKER
Really? But he's been married for twenty
years--they've got six kids.
HEALY
Nice smokescreen, isn't it?
Tucker can hardly believe his ears.
MARY
Pat does projects all over the world.
TUCKER
(impressed)
Where would I have seen your work?
HEALY
Have you been to
(thinking hard)
Let's see--Santiago, Chile?
TUCKER
Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
Which building is yours?
HEALY
Do you know the...soccer stadium?
TUCKER
Did you build the Estadio Olympico?
HEALY
No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.
TUCKER
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
style?
HEALY
Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
there.
Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.
TUCKER
You know, I really should take your card.
HEALY
(noticing something)
Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
minute, Tucker?
Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
exhibit.
HEALY
(to Man)
Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
are ya?
MAN
My name's Mel.
HEALY
Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
just like Jim Dubois?
MAN
The sheepfucker?
Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.
INT. TOYOTA TERCEL
A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.
HITCHHIKER
Thanks for picking me up.
TED
No prob, I could use the company. I've been
on the road going on fifteen hours
straight.
HITCHHIKER
I know how you feel--I been standing in the
same spot for the last five hours. You know
it's against the law to pick up a
hitchhiker in this state.
TED
That must make it tough.
HITCHHIKER
Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
salesman or something?
TED
Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.
HITCHHIKER
Oh. Well I am.
TED
Hm?
HITCHHIKER
A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
company--video sales--just as soon as I get
enough seed money.
TED
'That right? Good for you.
HITCHHIKER
Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
Abs?
TED
The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
T.V.
HITCHHIKER
Two million copies it sold last year. Two
million, man. But not next year--my idea's
gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
(dramatic pause)
Seven-Minute Abs.
BEAT.
TED
I see where you're going.
HITCHHIKER
(big smile)
Think about it. You walk into a video
store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
right next to it you see Seven-Minute
Abs--which one you gonna spring for?
TED
I'd go with the seven.
HITCHHIKER
Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
get every bit as good a work-out.
TED
How do you guarantee that?
HITCHHIKER
Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
happy we'll send you the extra minute.'
TED
Huh. That sounds great.
(beat)
Unless someone else comes out with
Six-Minute Abs.
Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.
TED (cont'd)
(unaware)
I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.
EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT
The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.
ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.
TED
What the--?
Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing
TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
around him.
POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
THIS IS A RAID!
ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.
TED
(deer caught in headlights)
Wait a second, it's not what you think.
A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.
PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!
Ted glares at him.
TED
No! I was pissing!
POLICE OFFICER
Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
the truck.
As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we
PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.
The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.
Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.
CUT TO:
CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible.
TED
(to Cop)
Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.
DOM
Oh my God. Is that...?
DOM'S WIFE
(matter-of-fact)
Told you he was gay.
BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.
TED
I was taking a leak!
T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We'll be right back with more of our
special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
BIBLE BELT!
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT
Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.
HEALY
That grandmother of yours--she's really
something.
MARY
Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
she rents the apartment right next to mine.
Her husband passed away a couple years ago
so she doesn't like to be alone.
HEALY
And it doesn't cramp your style?
MARY
Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.
HEALY
Lint?
MARY
Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
around on the rug all day--just makes for a
lot of lint. Look at this...
Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.
MARY (cont'd)
See? That's just one day.
Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.
HEALY
You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
bounce around for awhile, do a little
traveling...
MARY
Why bounce when you have your own condo in
Nepal to go to?
It's clear Healy forgot about that one.
HEALY
Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
place, quit the architect game, slow things
down, read more books, see more movies...
MARY
You're a movie buff?
HEALY
Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
best they've got to offer I say thanks but
no thanks.
MARY
Have you seen it?
HEALY
No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
hated it.
MARY
A fucking moron.
HEALY
Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
like they used to. You know, something like
The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
Maude.
Mary can't believe her ears.
MARY
Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
movie.
HEALY
Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
it's corny, but I do love it.
MARY
Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
the greatest--
HEALY
--Love story of our time.
Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?
MARY
Yeah.
HEALY
Wow. I thought I was the only one.
They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.
MARY
So...
HEALY
Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?
MARY
I guess.
HEALY
Well, I'll see ya.
Healy turns to go but stops.
HEALY (cont'd)
Mary ah, forget it.
MARY
What?
HEALY
No, forget it, it was stupid.
MARY
Come on, what were you going to say?
HEALY
Nah, really, it was moronic.
She grabs him by the shirt playfully.
MARY
Just say it.
Healy takes a deep breath.
HEALY
Could I feel your bosoms before I go?
Mary just stares at him.
MARY (beat)
Knock yourself out.
Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:
HEALY
Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?
She smiles and as Healy walks away we
CUT TO:
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.
PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
Man, they never look like you'd expect.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
That's probably how he got the victim to
drop his guard.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
Where'd they find the body?
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
In a big red bag on the front passenger
seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
real psycho, this one.
The Detectives ENTER the room.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.
TED
(agitated)
I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
thing I know I tripped over something--well
someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
lights and--
DETECTIVE FRANEK
Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
(beat)
The problem is we found your friend in
the car.
As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.
TED
Oh. The hitchhiker.
(CHUCKLES)
That's what this is all about.
Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.
TED (cont'd)
Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
everything.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
So you admit it?
TED
Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
with you. I could give you a song and dance
but what's the point? I did it and we all
know it.
(laughs)
The hitcher himself told me it's
illegal The irony.
The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
TED
Jeez, I didn't catch it.
The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
So he was a stranger? It was totally
random?
TED
(confused)
He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
trouble am I in?
The Detectives look at one another.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
First tell us why you did it.
TED
Why I did it?
(scoffs)
I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
doing the guy a favor.
The Detectives look at each other.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
How many we talking?
TED
Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
hundred maybe--Who keeps track?
Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
the building.
PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.
MARY
Mornin', Jane.
MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
in your office to see you.
Mary nods and heads toward her office.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)
TUCKER
What's up, Doc?
MARY
Tucker, you look different some how. Did
you do something with your hair?
MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.
TUCKER
The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.
ON MARY - smiles.
MARY
Oh yeah, they look great.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.
TUCKER (V.O.)
You don't think they're too big?
MARY (V.O.)
No no, the bigger the better.
(beat)
But I must say, they could be a little
brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
of pearly whites.
Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.
TUCKER
You ever been laid in this office?
Mary pushes past him.
MARY
Behave yourself, Tucker.
(smiles)
Come on, what are you doing here?
She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.
TUCKER
I wanted to talk to you about your friend
Patrick.
EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Healy almost flies out of his seat.
MARY (O.S.)
He's a nice guy, isn't he?
TUCKER (O.S.)
Well that's what I'm trying to figure
out. How long have you known him?
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Tucker has a look of concern.
MARY
Not long at all, but I really like him.
(off Tucker's look)
Okay, I know he's a little different,
Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
politically correct and he probably farts,
too. And that's okay with me.
TUCKER
That's what you've been looking for--a
farter?
MARY
I've been looking for a guy--not one of
these South Beach pussies.
TUCKER
(SIGHS)
Look, it's just that something about him
struck me as odd last night. He gave me
this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
friends back east. They don't know of any
architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
listed as a Harvard alumnus.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.
HEALY
Fuck!!
MARY (O.S.)
Huh...that's strange.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
TUCKER
I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
you should be careful with this guy.
MARY
(concerned)
No no no, Tucker, thank you.
TUCKER
I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
beautiful, you've got money, you trust
people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
psychos out there.
MARY
(small smile)
I appreciate you looking out for me.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
enforcement community, I would like to
offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
or temporary inconvenience we may have
caused you, Mr. Peloquin.
REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.
INT. PRISON HALLWAY
The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
apprehended not far from where you were
arrested. He was identified as an escaped
mental patient and subsequently confessed
to the murder that you were being held for.
Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
the bag.
TED
(fragile)
So...I'm free to go?
Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.
DETECTIVE CAVALLO
No harm, no foul?
TED
(stunned)
I guess.
Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
the door.
DETECTIVE FRANEK
By the way, there's somebody here to see
you.
CUT TO:
INT. TED'S CAR - DAY
Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.
DOM
You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
that?
TED
I am?
DOM
Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
about to cut your throat when you stopped
to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
up your ass, man.
TED
Yeah feels like it.
Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.
TED (cont'd)
How the hell did you get here anyway?
DOM
Flew.
(beat)
Told my wife I was going to a Promise
Keepers convention.
Ted gives him a look.
DOM (cont'd)
I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
some bad news for you.
Ted SIGHS.
TED
(resigned)
Shoot.
DOM
Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
know where to mail his last paycheck so I
sent my assistant by his mother's
apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
years.
TED
And this adversely affects me how...?
DOM
Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
everything! The landlord said when he got
back from Miami he kept talking about
falling for some doctor named Mary!
Ted is stunned.
TED
Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
for him....would she?
Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.
DOM
His address in Miami. You know, when you
think about it, we really don't know the
first thing about this guy.
Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.
TED
Jesus Christ what have I done?
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.
LISA
You're not seriously thinking about going
out with this guy again?
JOANNIE
Mary, he sounds like a psycho!
MAGDA
Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
and Puffy's never wrong.
The girlfriends roll their eyes.
BRENDA
Mary, the guy's full of shit.
MARY
What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
an honest mistake?
LISA
What if he didn't?
It's clear that Mary is torn.
MARY
I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
to be here any minute.
JOANNIE
Well then blow him off when he gets here.
MARY
But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
don't know...perfect...kind of.
BRENDA
He has a big cock, doesn't he?
Mary shoots Brenda a look.
MAGDA
Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
was?
MARY
Healy.
Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.
MAGDA
I think you better listen to this.
Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
gather around.
SULLY (V.O.)
So where the hell are you, Healy?
HEALY (V.O.)
Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
girl I told you about.
SULLY (V.O.)
The sawbones?
HEALY (V.O.)
Yep.
The girls all look at one another.
BRENDA
We hit the motherlode.
MARY
We shouldn't be listening to this.
LISA AND JOANNIE
Shhh.
SULLY (V.O.)
She still think you're a fucking architect?
HEALY (V.O.)
Oh yeah.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dumbshit.
LISA
Mr. Perfect, huh?
Mary starts to feel like a fool.
MARY
(edgy)
Turn it up, Magda.
HEALY (V.O.)
Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.
SULLY (V.O.)
Why didn't you just tell her the truth?
HEALY (V.O.)
I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
women today are more impressed by the
mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
the last seventeen years scraping by on
Peace Corp wages.
The girls all seem moved by this.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:
SULLY (V.O.)
But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
say, she's going to want to hear about
the things you did.
HEALY
(dismissing this)
Ahh.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME
A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.
In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.
SULLY
(reading)
Come on, you could tell her about the
irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
orphan babies who cried in your arms in
Romania...
(does a line of blow)
...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
Calcutta...
Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
EAT IT.
BACK ON Mary and friends.
JOANNIE
(welling up)
I love this man.
Magda folds her arms and gloats.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
HEALY
Look, I did all those things for myself.
I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
prick. I get a high from helping all of
God's creatures. An honest to goodness
high.
Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
squashes it.
ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.
Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.
SULLY
(winging it)
That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
the front line. Remember the, uh,
malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
vicious strain of genital herpes?
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.
ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.
HEALY (V.O.)
Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
illnesses in third-world countries.
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.
HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
philanthropy as some form of
currency...especially after what I did.
(SIGHS)
I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
deserved better.
SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
things.
HEALY (V.O.)
You said it, mister.
(choking up)
I gotta go.
ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we
PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.
HEALY
(startled)
Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
to tell you. I'm not
Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING
--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
defender.
--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.
--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.
MARY
All set.
HEALY
You look great.
(beat)
Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
these pants?
When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
LAUGHS.
--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.
--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.
TED
Fuck me.
(sighs)
Let's go home.
DOM
No! You've gone through way too much to
back down now. Get over there and do
something--I can't stand watching this.
BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.
MARY
Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?
Healy LAUGHS.
HEALY
How's my stomach taste, she says.
(shakes head)
Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
a dog.
MARY
Forget it. It was...fun.
ON TED AND DOM
Ted recognizes Warren.
TED
Holy shit, there's Warren.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN
Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.
WARREN
Franks and beans!
ON TED AND DOM
TED
Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.
They both duck down in their seats.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN
WARREN
Beans and franks.
MARY
Give it a rest, War. You just ate.
HEALY
Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
appetite.
(to Warren)
Am I right?
Healy winks at Mary.
WARREN
Huh?
Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.
HEALY
I said you've got a big app--
Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.
HEALY (cont'd)
Urrggghh...
MARY
Warren!
ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.
DOM
Attaboy!
BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.
MARY
Are you okay?
HEALY (cont'd)
(raspy, to Mary)
Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
right? Right?
MARY
(cornered)
Sure.
Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
drives off.
ON TED AND DOM
Ted stares gazily.
DOM
Well? What are you waiting for?
TED
I don't know what to say.
DOM
Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
schmuck out of the water.
TED
Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
(stares at Mary)
She's even more beautiful than I remember.
THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.
DOM
Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!
Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.
TED
You asshole, what are you--
(CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
Mary! Is that you?
MARY
(squinting)
Who's that?
Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.
TED
It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
Island Ted.
Finally she recognizes him.
MARY
Oh my God...Ted.
(big smile)
What are you...? I can't believe this. I
haven't seen you since--
TED
Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.
MARY
And did everything--?
TED
Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.
Mary LAUGHS.
TED (cont'd)
How are you doing, Warren?
WARREN
Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?
TED
I'm gonna take a rain check.
Mary is stunned.
MARY
I can't believe he remembered you. He never
remembers anybody.
(beat)
You know I tried to call you for weeks
after that.
TED
Really? I never got a message.
MARY
That's weird. I talked to your brother
Jimmy five or six times.
Ted is devastated to hear this.
MARY (cont'd)
By the way, how's he doing?
TED
He's dead.
MARY
(taken aback)
Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.
TED
(bitter)
No, it was a good thing.
(off her look)
I mean, good in that it was very quick.
Ted pantomimes an explosion.
MARY
Oh. So...what brings you down here?
TED
Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
mine decided to...ah...you know...just
...drive down.
She stares at him.
MARY
Well you look great. Are you married, do
you have kids?
TED
Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
(smiles)
God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
with Mary Jenson.
MARY
Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.
TED
(taken aback)
Oh...are you...?
MARY
Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
(off his look)
There was this guy back in college who was
bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
when I got out of Princeton I changed my
name as a precaution.
TED
Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
on old times?
BEAT.
MARY
Didn't we just do that?
Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.
MARY (cont'd)
I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
the thing is I already have plans. How
about tomorrow night?
TED
Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
years.
(beat)
Don't make me wait another day.
Mary seems touched by this.
MARY
Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
up at eight.
Ted finally smiles and we
CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT
A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
newspaper.
MAGDA (V.O.)
I'm buying bananas tonight.
MARY (V.O.)
Why?
MAGDA (V.O.)
Back when I was your age I always used to
make myself a big banana split after sex. I
think you're gonna need one tonight.
MARY (V.O.)
Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
probably need it before I will.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
couch.
MAGDA
Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
oyster shucker.
MARY
So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
take you to the movies.
MAGDA
Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
be.
MARY
Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.
MAGDA
Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.
BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.
MARY (V.O. )
Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
guy today I hadn't seen since high school.
Healy loses the smile and sits up.
MAGDA (V.O.)
An old flame?
MARY (V.O.)
Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
guys in the world.
Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.
ON MARY
MARY (cont'd)
He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
crush on him.
BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.
HEALY
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
reminds me, I've got to call
what's-his-face and cancel.
ON MARY
MAGDA
Do I sense a chill in the air?
Mary sits down.
MARY
Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
my love life. I always pick guys on what I
feel in here.
(pats heart)
But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
"Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
with this one, you'll grow to feel
something for him." But it never happened.
ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.
HEALY
(jovial voice)
Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
I'm out rustling up some champagne and
roses in preparation for the greatest
birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
having a good day, too.
Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.
ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.
MARY
Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
say I'm...looking forward to tonight.
She hangs up.
MAGDA
You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
night?
MARY
I can't do it--I just found out it's his
birthday.
(sighs)
I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.
ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
YAPPING.
ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.
MARY
(surprised)
Tucker...come on in.
BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.
MAGDA (V.O.)
Well look who's here.
BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.
TUCKER
There she is--I brought you a little
thirst-quencher, Mag.
MAGDA
Oh, you are sweet.
TUCKER
No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
so you'll pass out and I can have my way
with Mary.
Everyone LAUGHS.
MARY
Can I pour you one?
TUCKER
Thanks, but I've got to be going.
Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
visit.
Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.
MARY
What's up?
TUCKER
Well...I've got a little more news about
your friend Healy.
Mary seems relieved.
MARY
I know what you're going to say, but he
already told me everything. I know he's not
an architect.
Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.
TUCKER (cont'd)
I think you'd better sit down.
MARY
Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
but I'm really strapped for time here and--
TUCKER
Mary, the man's a killer.
ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.
BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.
MARY
(stunned)
What...?
TUCKER
I've got a friend in the Boston police
department. He faxed me this this morning.
I'll just give you the highlights.
(reading from rap sheet)
After a short stint as a petty thief,
Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
committed his first murder--a pretty
teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
despite a grim psychological profile, the
state was forced to release him. In his
mid-twenties and again in his early
thirties he was suspected of homicides in
the states of Utah and Washington.
Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
decomposed that there wasn't enough
evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
forth and so on.
Mary looks like she's going to throw up.
ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.
MARY (V.O.)
Holy shit...
MAGDA (V.O.)
Puffy, get over here.
We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.
ON MARY
MARY
Magda!
MAGDA
The little shit lied to me about that guy!
Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.
MARY
(growing emotional)
I can't believe this is happening. I'm
supposed to be meeting him in an hour.
TUCKER
Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
okay.
Tucker puts his arms around her.
MAGDA
Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.
Mary looks fondly at Tucker.
MARY
Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
my life.
TUCKER
Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
me a big head.
(smiles)
The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
to distance yourself as much as possible
without pissing this psycho off.
MARY
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
do. I'll call him right now.
BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.
HEALY
Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
message. BEEP.
MARY (V.O.)
(nervous)
Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
not going to believe this--well, you'll
believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
just got beeped for emergency surgery.
Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
bail on you.
As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
the sidewalk.
ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
Tucker.
HEALY
(under breath)
You're gonna pay, fucker.
Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.
BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.
TED
Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
if I'm ready for this, man.
DOM
Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?
TED
(pats his back pocket)
Got cash.
DOM
Car clean? Plenty of gas?
TED
Check.
DOM
Mints?
TED
Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.
Dom nods, satisfied.
DOM
Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
clean the pipes and it's a go.
TED
Hm?
DOM
You know, clean the pipes.
TED
Pipes? What are you talking about?
DOM
You jerk off before all big dates, right?
Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.
Ted just stares at him.
DOM (cont'd)
(incredulous)
You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
crazy?! That's like going out there with a
loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!
Ted considers this.
DOM (cont'd)
Think about it: After you've had sex with a
girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
are you nervous?
TED
No.
Dom shrugs...Duh.
DOM
Why's that?
TED
I'm usually too tired to be.
Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.
DOM
Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
with your head, that stuff will.
TED
(starting to believe)
Huh.
DOM
The most honest moment in a man's life is
the five minutes after he's blown a load.
That's a medical fact. And it's because
you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
actually thinking like a girl. They love
that.
TED
Jesus Christ you're right.
DOM
You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
out with a loaded gun, you empty the
barrels!
TED
(shakes his head)
Holy shit, I've been going out with a
loaded gun!
DOM
People get hurt that way.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL - EVENING
Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
past him.
INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME
Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.
He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
clean up.
But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.
The Load IS MISSING!!!!
That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
answer it.
INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME
Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
ever.
TED
Hey.
MARY
Hi, Ted.
TED
You look great.
MARY
Thanks.
She notices something.
MARY (cont'd)
What's that?
TED
Hm?
MARY
On your ear, you've got something.
MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
drop earring.
MARY (cont'd)
It looks like a gob of...
Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.
MARY (cont'd)
(making face)
Is that....hair gel?
BEAT.
TED
Sure.
MARY
Oh great, I ran out.
Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.
CUT TO:
EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.
Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.
HEALY (cont'd)
You motherfucker, you're a dead man!
Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.
TUCKER
(cowering)
Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
stupid.
HEALY
Who the fuck do you think you are making up
that bullshit about me?!
Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.
TUCKER
Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
about.
HEALY
Maybe this'll jog your memory.
Healy SLAPS him across the face.
HEALY (cont'd)
I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
do with me being a murderer.
Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.
TUCKER
Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
information.
Healy grabs him by the collar.
HEALY
That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
working for him, aren't you, you little
shit?
TUCKER
Who?
Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.
HEALY
This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
either you come clean or I'm going to kick
your ass from here to Tallahassee.
Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.
TUCKER
I LOVE HER, OKAY?!
Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.
HEALY
You what?
TUCKER
You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.
Healy slowly lets go.
TUCKER (cont'd)
I'm a phony--just like you, man.
HEALY
What do you mean?
TUCKER
I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
Santiago twice in a year?
(scoffing)
Estadio Olimpico--please!
HEALY
But...but you knew people at Harvard.
TUCKER
I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
you were a fake and I made up everything
else.
(sighs)
My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.
HEALY
Bullshit!
Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.
TED
Thanks, that's great.
The WAITER turns to Mary.
WAITER
Madame?
ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
up front.
MARY
Thank you.
The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.
TED
Now by killer, you mean...?
MARY
I mean he murdered someone and did time
back in Boston. The guy's a freak.
TED
(stunned)
Jeez, Mary...I'm...
MARY
Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
have friends like Tucker.
(beat)
Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
(big smile)
Let's talk about you.
CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT
Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.
TUCKER
...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
Community College for a semester and when
the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
hooked up with the Pizza Barn.
HEALY
And you met Mary how?
TUCKER
Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
one night and she answered the door in her
nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
that night, shaved my beard, and a week
later I was laid out in her office with a
broken back.
HEALY
How'd you manage that one?
TUCKER
(matter-of-factly)
Friend. Baseball bat.
HEALY
Nice.
TUCKER
Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
until you showed up.
HEALY
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
telling bald-faced lies about the
competition--that's crossing the line!
TUCKER
What line? The day you first laid your oily
rap on my future wife you started a war!
HEALY
Future wife? Get real, man--you're
nothing more than a glorified brother in
her eyes.
TUCKER
Why you son of a--
Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.
HEALY
Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
is neither of us are going to get her if we
don't do something about that headcase
she's with now.
As Tucker slowly releases him, we
CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT
Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.
MARY
You hit the ball pretty good for a
fourteen.
TED
(shrugging)
No short game.
She smiles.
MARY
We should play some time...I mean, if you
can afford to lose some money.
TED
(smiling)
What are you?
MARY
Twenty-two.
TED
Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a
one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.
Mary smiles coyly.
MARY
Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.
TED
That's more like it.
(to Counter-Man)
Two more nitrate-sicles please.
COUNTER-MAN
You got it.
Mary is amused by this.
MARY
Nitrate-sicles--I like that.
TED
I say they should put more meats on a
stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets
on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles,
lollipops--but hardly any meat.
MARY
I agree there should be more.
The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.
TED
You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a
cone. You could put corned beef hash in a
cone, or chopped liver.
MARY
I like it. And think of the
toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly
TED
Not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.
They smile at one another.
MARY
It's too bad you don't live down here, Ted.
TED
(pleased)
Yeah?
MARY
We've got a lot in common.
Ted takes a chance.
TED
Well...why don't you move back?
MARY
Ah, my roots here are too deep. I love my
practice, the people I work with, Warren's
got a nice thing going
(joking)
Why don't you just move down here and marry
me?
Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.
MARY
So you're a writer?
TED
Trying to be.
MARY
Well good for you. I bet it works out for
you.
TED
We'll see. If it doesn't, what the hell, at
least I gave it a shot.
MARY
That's right. And the good thing is you can
do it anywhere.
TED
What about you, Mare? How the hell'd you
manage to stay single?
MARY
I don't know...My friends think I'm too
picky. I think I'm just a weirdo magnet. I
did come close once--just last year, in
fact. There was this guy he lived in San
Francisco.
ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker SPYING
ON THEM from the shadows.
TUCKER
(WHISPERING)
That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!
HEALY
Fucking sickening.
Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT
Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch with a
watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her feet.
Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on the
rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat. He sniffs
it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands beside him and
he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.
EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME
Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.
HEALY
How many is that?
TUCKER
Four.
HEALY
That seems like a lot of speed for a little
pooch--you sure it won't kill him?
TUCKER
I never said that.
As Tucker throws another...
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. Magda
looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE DRINK!
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME
Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.
MARY
... and then it was all over.
(SIGHS)
We haven't spoken since.
TED
(sincere)
Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
perfect.
MARY
Yeah...almost.
(beat)
You want to come up and watch Sportscenter?
TED
Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out while
I'm ahead.
Mary looks a little disappointed.
MARY
Ted...you're not that far ahead.
TED
Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be in town
for a while now but I don't think we should
see each other for a few weeks.
MARY
(alarmed)
Why not?
TED
Well...to be honest....I'm really crazy
about you and it's making me nervous and
when I get nervous I'm not myself and I'm
afraid I'm going to doing something really
dumb before we get started so I think I
should just lay back until I regain my
composure.
Mary sort of smiles.
MARY
That's really sweet, Ted, but you should
save it for one of your books.
TED
All right, let's go.
Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH with one
hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.
Mary doesn't know what to make of it.
MARY
Magda, what are you doing?
Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.
MAGDA
Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.
MARY
Where's Puffy?
MAGDA
Ah, he was being a pest so I put him in the
bathroom.
As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.
MARY
(to Ted, concerned)
Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--would
you let the dog out of the bathroom.
TED
Yeah, sure.
Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING SOUND
until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is MUCH LOUDER
now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM HESITATE.
TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED OUTWARD
from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.
TED
(CALLING out)
Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?
MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Toy poodle!
Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.
BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!
INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up dog ON
HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the floor, and
fights for his life.
Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. Ted
tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF OF HIS
PANTS.
DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into the
room.
Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.
MAGDA
Stop it, you're hurting him!
TED
(out of breath)
Tell him...to calm down.
Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops him.
Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.
They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted SMACKS
HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start and LEAPS
AT TED'S NECK.
Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY
MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE
--Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.
Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a
sissy. Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren
decides to go for it and Ted follows.
--At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks
around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives
underwater and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a
GASPING Warren.
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
--Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of
his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass
a shop Warren points to the window excitedly.
THEIR POV
In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-
hero outfit, i.e. a generic superman.
Warren then pulls Ted into the store.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in
the Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and
a few steps later Warren excitedly points to another
shop window.
THEIR POV
In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy
outfit, i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps,
vest, boots, spurs, etc.)
Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She
turns and reacts amused.
HER POV
Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a
humiliated Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting
Super-hero outfit.
EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda
and Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's
company. Ted is on top of the world, feeling good,
looking good-right up until he gets the HOOK IN HIS
MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED OUT OF FRAME.
EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE
HOOK. Mary looks on, concerned.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each
HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A
BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts
putting the groceries in the back seat.
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
--Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS
Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that
PUFFY IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY
before Mary notices.
EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY
--Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE
while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into
the cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE,
and MOVES WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.
--A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, Mary
comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND COMPLETELY
CLOSED.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting on the
couch.
TED
(chipper)
Hey.
Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.
TED (cont'd)
The flowers are for you and the ball's for
Warren. I had a friend of mine Fedex it to
me--it's signed by Tony Conigliaro.
Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.
MARY
Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me around?
Ted tries to hide his horror.
TED
(lamely)
What do you mean?
Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to him.
Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.
MARY
It's not true...right, Ted?
Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.
TED
Well, funny story there. You see, uh, it
started out as a uh...yeah...it's true. =
Mary stands up.
MARY
Get out.
TED
Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad as it
sounds. I certainly didn't know--
MARY
That you put a murderer on my trail?
TED
Well yeah, I didn't know much about him. I
just thought--
MARY
What did you think, Ted? That you could spy
on me and trick me into thinking you were
someone I could...really go for?
Mary starts to get emotional.
TED
Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to trick you.
MARY
Then what the fuck did you do it for?
TED
I did it because because I'd never
stopped thinking about you and if I didn't
find you I knew my life would never be good
again.
Mary looks away.
MARY
(softly)
Please leave.
TED
(devastated)
Mary, come on...
MARY
Go!
TED
(beat)
Okay.
And so Ted does.
CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back and
forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems to grow
angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds a SLIP OF
PAPER.
TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 Court
Street, apt. 43.'
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to apartment
43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He tries the handle
and THE DOOR OPENS.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. DOG
SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers across
the carpet.
TED
Hello...?
No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he ducks
behind the door.
Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks when
they see the MESS.
HEALY
Ho-ly shit.
TUCKER
Hey, this is a pretty nice place.
HEALY
Sully...! What the fuck happened here?!
Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs Healy
by the collar.
HEALY (cont'd)
(alarmed)
Hey, hey, hey!
TED
Surprised?
TUCKER
Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash now.
TED
(to Tucker)
Who the fuck are you?
HEALY
He's in love with Mary, too.
Ted releases Healy and glares at him.
TED
You fucked me, man? Why would you do that?
HEALY
(righteous)
What do you mean 'why'?
TED
Answer the question, shitball.
TUCKER
I think everybody could use a drink.
Tucker goes into the kitchen.
HEALY
Look, you asked me to follow your girl
around, and I did and I started to like
her, and then I realized I just couldn't in
good conscience do it.
TED
(amazed)
Do what?
HEALY
Turn her over to a stalker.
TED
What?! You're calling me a stalker?
HEALY
That's right--if you weren't you would've
looked for her yourself!
Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa slithering
into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP in his midsection.
HEALY (cont'd)
(sickened)
Oh Christ...poor dog.
TED
You're a sick man, you know that?
HEALY
Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand
the fact that it was my turn.
TED
Your turn?
HEALY
(getting emotional)
That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's
the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever
get the great girl? Give the big pig with
the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick
of it, man! No more--it was my turn. It was
time for me...time for me...to be happy.
This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits down,
runs his fingers through his hair.
TED
Well you didn't have to blow us both out of
the water. Jesus Christ, just because she
found out about you, why'd you have to take
me down with you?
HEALY
I don't know what you're talking about.
TED
I'm talking about the letter, asshole.
HEALY
What?
Ted stares at him.
TED
Are you telling me you didn't send Mary a
letter outlining our deal?
HEALY
Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
screwing myself.
The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the kitchen
with a drink. They turn their attention to him.
HEALY (cont'd)
You little fuck.
TUCKER
What?
HEALY
You fucking prick, we had a deal--you said
you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck
you until we had this fuck out of the
fucking picture.
(moves in on Tucker)
You crossed the line, man.
Tucker backs away nervously.
TUCKER
Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy now. Why
would I cross the line--what do you think I
got no pride?
Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.
TUCKER (cont'd)
I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! You
probably did it yourself, you piece of
shit.
HEALY
Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why would I
rat myself out?
TUCKER
Like I'm going to try to figure out a guy
who's idea of courting is blowing farts in
the chick's face
HEALY
You were following us?
TUCKER
Don't flatter yourself--I was following
her, I always do. How the hell you think
I got rid of Mary's boyfriend Steve?
This gets Ted's attention.
TED
You mean...Steve didn't say all that stuff
about Warren?
TUCKER
Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?
He was like a fucking eagle scout. You two
should be kissing my balls--if it wasn't
for me, she might've married that schmuck!
Ted thinks about this.
TED
The hell with you both--I'm out of here.
Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare each
other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of the bedroom
with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does a double-take,
then looks back at the snake.
HEALY
(sadly)
Oh...Sully.
TUCKER
Look, if it wasn't you who sent the letter,
and it wasn't me who sent it?
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.
MARY
Woogie? What are what are you doing here?
REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.
DOM
Did you get my letter, Mare? The one about
Ted?
MARY
You sent that?
DOM
Uh-huh. I was worried about you.
MARY
Well...thank you. But...you know you're not
supposed to be within four hundred yards of
me.
DOM
(excited)
That's what I want to tell ya. I've been
through two years of extensive
psychotherapy and you know what? You were
right--I needed help.
MARY
(cautious)
That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
better--you seem...good--but...you put me
through quite an ordeal, you know.
Dom nods aggressively.
MARY (cont'd)
I had to move, go to court, change my last
name--you stole all my shoes!
Dom stands up.
DOM
Look at me.
Mary turns her head.
DOM (cont'd)
Look at me, Mary. On my mother's soul, on
God above, on everything that is holy to
me, I did not steal your shoes.
MARY
Woogie, I caught you red-handed.
DOM
All right, I did, but I was in a weird
place then.
He approaches her.
DOM (cont'd)
Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!
Mary backs into the living room.
CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY
Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO THIS
CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.
MARY (V.O.)
Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.
HEALY
Who the hell's Woogie?
Tucker just shrugs.
BACK ON Mary and Dom. =~
MARY
I'm asking you to leave.
DOM
(gentle)
Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this all
wrong.
(beat)
I'm not leaving...
BACK IN HEALY'S CAR
DOM (cont'd) (V.O.)
...Not until I get a little something to
remember you by.
MARY (V. O . )
(clearly struggling)
Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!
Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE BUILDING.
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they see.
THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his arms
and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him back.
MARY
Stop it!
DOM
Just one pair! You owe me that much, you
heartless bitch!
Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.
HEALY
Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your
friend Ted like that.
DOM
What? You fucked him over, too.
HEALY
He's no friend of mine.
Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-eaten
BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after her, sporting
a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.
MAGDA
What the hell's going on here?
At first no one knows what to say. Then:
HEALY
We're in love with your roommate.
MAGDA
Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. I'm
gonna pack my bags and go back to my own
place.
Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.
MARY
Tucker, where are your crutches?
Tucker is stumped for a second, then:
TUCKER
(British accent)
Interesting query, Mary...
Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.
HEALY
Shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.
Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.
TUCKER
Well isn't this nice--now we've got the
whole gang together.
Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.
TED
Dom? What are you?
DOM
You stole her from me. Now I want her back.
MARY
(rolling eyes)
Woogie and I went out for awhile in high
school.
TED
(stunned)
You're Woogie?
DOM
Dom Wooganowski. Duh.
TED
But but you're married. You have kids a
great wife.
DOM
If you're so happy with them, please, be my
guest.
HEALY
If I may I have a proposal.
Everyone turns to Healy.
HEALY (cont'd)
I say none of us leave this room until our
young Mary here stops jerking us around and
decides once and for all who she wants. Now
Mary, I know this is difficult but you
really will be doing them all a favor to
tell them the truth about us.
MARY
Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? You're
a murderer.
Healy glares at Tucker.
TUCKER
Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I
exaggerated a little there.
MARY
You mean he's not a criminal?
HEALY
God no!
(pleased)
I'm just a pathological liar!
Mary looks at Tucker, confused.
MARY
Tucker...not you, too?
Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.
TUCKER
Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano with my
folks.
MARY
Oh Jesus...
Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers quarterback
ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside him. Everyone is
stunned.
MARY (cont'd)
Brett...?
BRETT FAVRE
Hi, Mary.
HEALY
What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
BRETT FAVRE
We're in town to play the Dolphins.
TED
I called him. I told him to pick up Warren
and get over here.
everyone turns their attention to Ted.
TED (cont'd)
Mary, I found out that your buddy Tucker
there lied to you about Brett.
Tucker lowers his head.
TED (cont'd)
Brett never said anything bad about Warren.
He loves Warren...and from what he just
told me on the phone, he loves you, too.
(beat)
He's the guy you should be with.
BRETT FAVRE
That's right, Mare. And you know I'll
always be true to you.
DOM
Aw shit, this isn't fair.
Mary manages a smile.
TED
(to Mary)
I realized something tonight. I'm no better
than any of these guys. None of them really
love you...they just fixated on you because
of how you made them feel. But that's not
real love...Thank you for letting me see
that. Now I can get on with the rest of my
life.
Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.
TUCKER
Oh please...
DOM
Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a ploy.
HEALY
You are so full of shit, Strohman. Are you
going to stand here and tell us that you
aren't in love with this girl?
Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.
TED
Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
(winks)
See you, Mare.
Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.
TED (cont'd)
(as he passes Warren)
See you, Warren.
WARREN
Huh...?
Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.
TED
See you, Warren.
WARREN
Bye, Ted.
Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in silence
for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.
DOM
Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you to
autograph one of these pumps for me?
CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running down
the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.
MARY
Ted!
Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his eyes,
hopeful.
TED
What what are you doing here?
MARY
You forgot your keys!
She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.
TED
(deflated)
Oh. Thanks.
They remain across the street from one another.
MARY
Did you mean what you said back there, Ted?
Ted starts to well up again.
MARY (cont'd)
Ted...?
TED
(looking down)
I...I just want you to be happy, Mary.
MARY
But I think I'd be happiest...with you.
Ted just stares at her.
TED
You're fucking with me, right?
Mary smiles.
TED (cont'd)
(wiping eyes)
But but what about Steve?
MARY
Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy
doesn't even drink beer or gamble.
Now Ted smiles.
MARY (cont'd)
Get over here.
TED
Really?
MARY
Really.
The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a BUS
WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around under the
bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the back end and
TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.
Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to gather.
MARY
Ted, no, no....!
She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.
Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. The
crowd winces.
MARY (cont'd)
Somebody hold up traffic!
(beat)
Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're going
to be okay.
Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.
TED
Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.
Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.
MARY
I love you too, Ted.
(beat)
I think I always have.
As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:
LADY
Over here! I found his foot! It was in the
storm drain!
ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.
MARY
All right, everyone, let's fan out and look
for the penis!
As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and
FADE OUT.
THE END
|
