TROPIC THUNDER
Written by
Ethan Cohen, Ben Stiller & Justin Theroux
ON THE MOVIE SCREEN
BLACK. The movie has not started yet. After the last real
trailer plays in the theater, we see THE UNIVERSAL LOGO.
The globe stops rotating, and STARTS TO BROWN AND CRACK.
VOLCANOES ERUPT ON IT...
ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER
In a world where only one man made a
difference... "n 1a%
AND WE ZOOM ALL THE WAY IN TO,..
A POST APOCALYPTIC FIERY TUNDRA... AND ONE MAN...who
walks across it, looking cool, shirtless, pumped, with
shades on, holding a BABY in one arm and a FLAMETHROWER
in the other. . .this is international superstar CHRIS
MICHAEL SPEEDMAN... there is a GIANT explosion behind
him... he doesn't even flinch...
ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER
The one man who made a difference... is
about to make a difference... Again...
BLACK... then Speedman, again shirtless, is on an ICEBERG
and an AVALANCHE is thundering behind him. This time he
has a SET OF TWINS AND A FLAMETHROWER.
ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER
Chris Michael Speedman...IS Deke
Cogan...
A TITLE BURNS ACROSS THE SCREEN..
ACTION TRAILER ANNOUNCER
SCORCHER 3: GLOBAL MELTDOWN
TITLE FLIES AWAY FOLLOWED BY: SUMMER 2008
BLACK, then... "
The NEW LINE LOGO over the stately POMP AND
CIRCUMSTANCE...
COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER
This summer, the halls of academia are
about to get a lesson in...
INT. BOARDING SCHOOL
TRACK ACROSS a bunch of CUTE TEN YEAR OLD SCHOOLBOYS
sitting at a dining hall table until we get to .JEFF
PORTNOY, 35, GROSS OUT COMEDY STAR.
Tropic Thunder 2.
He has red hair, cut in a page-boy style and is dressed
in a school boy uniform which is way too small.
COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER
.Comedy! From America's favorite fat
guy... uhh...fat KID...
HE RIPS A GIANT FART. THE MUSIC NIPEDLE SCRATCHES TO
"LOUIE LOUIE"...
An ANGRY HEADMASTER SCOWLS. THE BOYS CRACK UP.
16,
COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER
Jeff Portnoy is having...
PORTNOY
(YELLING ON THE TABLE)
DOODYFOR DINNER!!!
A GIANT FOOD FIGHT ENSUES AS THE TITLE "DOODY.FOR
DINNER" FLIES ON..
COMEDY TRAILER ANNOUNCER
This summer, lunch is on him!
A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI IS DUMPED ON HIS.HEAD..
BLACK
The FOX SEARCHLIGHT LOGO comes up. AN EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL
JAMES HORNER TYPE,SCORE PLAYS... i
EXT. A BEAUTIFUL 400 YEAR.OLD IRISH VICARAGE
It is an Oscar winning shot at dawn of a brooding
handsome priest in a monk's robe walking towards the
church. This is KIRK LAZARUS, who has the intensity of a
Daniel Day Lewis and the seriousness of a Sean Penn...
OSCAR WINNING MOVIE
TRAILER ANNOUNCER
In a time where to be different was to be
condemned... and to be condemned was to
die...
INT. CHURCH
Lazarus is. lighting the rosary candles... he glances over
at another YOUNG PRIEST, who gives him a smoldering
look. . .Lazarus turns away, tortured...
, Tropic Thunder 3.
OSCAR WINNING MOVIE
TRAILER ANNOUNCER
.one man chose to question his God...
Lazarus screams angrily at crucifix on the wall:
LAZARUS
(Irish brogue)
You made me! Why can't you... UNMAKE ME!'
THESE TITLES COME UP ON THE SCREEN AS THE ANNOUNCER
SPEAKS:
OSCAR WINNING MOVIE
TRAILER ANNOUNCER
Winner of the Palm D'or, The Golden Bear,
The Laughing Monkey and over 350 film
critics' '10 BEST' picture lists, and
hailed by Roger Ebert as "A MASTERPIECE
THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL EMOTIONS YOU
NEVER KNEW YOU HAD"... Three time Oscar
Winner Kirk Lazarus, in two time Oscar
winning director Clint Eastwood's
boldest film... "SATAN'S ALLEY".
THE TITLE HOLDS... then BLACK.
Now, finally, the movie starts. We see The DREAMWORKS
LOGO... Which has no music under it... only the low
pitched SWOOSHING OF A CHOPPER BLADE...
BLACK
The thumping blade gets LOUDER AND LOUDER, the BASS LINE
of "BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE" rising with it
until finally...
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. VIETNAM -- DAY
A HUEY COBRA in slow motion, crests an impossibly
beautiful jungle ridge, flying low and straight at us.
INSIDE THE COBRA
A GUNNER sprays fire down at unseen anti-aircraft. All
that can be see on the ground are whizzing TRACERS flying
up at the chopper.
"Tropic Thunder 4.
The chopper skims the treetops heading toward a hot LZ...
EXT.,, HOT LZ -- DAY
As the Cobra comes in hard, about TWENTY INFANTRYMEN are
emerging from the tree-line, in a chaotic fire fight with
twice as many VC SOLDIERS.
As the. chopper tries to land, the gunner tosses a couple
of grenades behind the Americans, sending about ten VC
flying. But the bulk of the platoon is getting GUNNED
DOWN by the enemy.
A. heavy set grunt, FATS, looking like he is in great
pain, is'running full speed for the chopper, taking fire
from all over.
Fats looks a 'lot like JEFF PORTNOY, star of ."Doody For
Dinner".
BROOKLYN, an.18 year-old cherry from Brooklyn, is also on
the move, towards the.chopper...Clutching his thick black
glasses, and a. map, and triangulating coordinates, he' is
frantically trying to call in an air strike on his radio
backpack. A GRENADE EXPLODES ten feet away knocking him
on his ass.
He gets up, shaken, just in time to be BAYONETED. through
the stomach by a VC SOLDIER...
The VC soldier turns around just in time to be machine-
gunned down-5y MOTOWN who has all sorts of stomizd
shit" on his fatigues, an ace of spades in his helmet,
along with some graffiti scrawl that reads "and God
spoke" including cut-off sleeves that reveal his
impressive pipes. He, is a 'bad muthaf.ucka.
MOTOWN
That's for Brooklyn, Muthafucka!
Underneath the hovering chopper, OSIRIS,a black, buffed
out Rambo-looking Sergeant, is letting loose his M-16
with abandon, yelling at the pilot to get the bird lower.
It does.
Fats grabs. the mortally wounded Brooklyn and slings him
over his shoulder, Brooklyn's shirt is blown open
revealing his entrails...in shock, he clutches his liver
in his right hand, and is trying futilely to put it back
in his body...
Tropic Thunder 5.
FATS heaves Brooklyn onto the floor of the still-airborne
chopper just as it gets low enough, and returns to
firing. He unleashes a hailstorm of lead at the
approaching VC...
OSIRIS
FATS! GET YOUR ASS ON THIS CHOPPER NOW!
LET'S MOVE!
4 41
FATS ignores him and continueb firing. MOTOWN comes
running up to the chopper...
OSIRIS (CONT'D)
YOU TOO, MOTOWNI
MOTOWN
(to Osiris)
SIR! Requesting permission to disobey
Sergeant's orders, SIR! FOUR LEAF IS
STILL OUTSIDE THE PERIMETER AND
UNACCOUNTED FOR!
OSIRIS
MOTOWN! GET YOUR DETROIT JUKE BOX JHERI
CURL IN THIS CHICKENSHIT CHOPPER ASAP.
THAT GOES FOR YOUR FAT ASS TOO, FATS!
MOTOWN
SIR! FUCK YOU SIR! WE DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT
FOUR LEAF, SIR!
OSIRIS
THAT'S JUST HOW BOOKS GOT HIS JEW ASS
KILLED AND MEATBALL'S WOP ASS BOUGHT THE
SIX BY THREE FARM! YOU GET ON THIS BIRD,
PRIVATE!
CHOPPER PILOT
Sir! We gotta DIDI NOW! Air strike
confirmed! This place is gonna be toast
in about thirty seconds!
Osiris turns on Motown, pulling his .45 in the midst of
the mayhem. He pushes it up into Motown's neck.
OSIRIS
FOUR LEAF IS DEAD MEAT, SOLDIER! AND YOU
GOT ZERO 0' HUNDRED HOURS TO GET YOUR ASS
ON THIS CHOPPER BEFORE YOU JOIN HIM!
Osiris, standing on the skid, motions for the chopper
pilot to take off.
Tropic Thunder 6.
Motown looks to Fats,:then reluctantly jumps on the
chopper...It begins to hover...
OSIRIS(CONT'D)
FATS! YOU GET ON THIS BIRD NOW! YOU HEAR
ME YOU MUTANT MOTHER--
BROOKLYN
A 1, I qft
(a soft whisper) I Id
Sarge...
.We PUSH IN ON BROOKLYN dramatically as he raises his
head. Looking off to the tree line, he points a crooked
finger...
BROOKLYN
It's him. It's Four Leaf...
Everyone turns to-see...
FOUR LEAF, who looks a lot like CHRIS MICHAEL SPEEDMAN
from the "Scorcher" trailer, . burst through the treeline,
half limping, half crawling heroically through the
massive firefight in SLOW MOTION.
He is being chased.by about-FIFTY _VIET...CONG SOLDIERS...
Everyone on board seems mesmerized. Osiris sees it, and
can't believe his eyes... nevertheless, he screams to the
pilot. I
OSIRIS
GO! GO!
Fats, still on the ground, in defiance of Osiris, grabs
the chopper's runner, and in a superhuman show of
strength, OR IS IT WEIGHT, holds it with-all-his might,
preventing it from flying away.
The pilot struggles with the controls, as Fats continues
his barrage of bullets with his machine gun arm,
providing weak cover for Four Leaf.
The chopper is now gaining momentum, and pulls Fats about
ten feet-off-the ground. He is, about to lose his battle
with the helicopter.
Four Leaf, riddled with bullets, and delirious, is
fighting a losing battle to gain ground... He doesn't
even have a gun...
Tropic Thunder 7.
Osiris looks at the dejected faces of his men, then at
Fats... a flash of anger and compassion comes over his
face.. .
FOUR"LEAF, Christ-like and arms extended, sinks to his
knees, his body now absorbing unbelievable amounts of
lead...
OSIRIS
I HOPE YOU FAGGOTS LIKE HAMBURGER BECAUSE
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA BE
BRINGING BACK TO THIS BIRD.. .COVER ME!
Weak smiles flicker across the face of the men as they do
just that... unleashing lead all around Osiris as he jumps
out of the chopper like an Apache warrior.
Fats drops off the runner of the chopper, shooting his
machine gun in cool SLO MO.
Screaming a war cry, Osiris makes a beeline for Four
Leaf. Dancing between the raindrops, he dodges tracer
fire ...
Osiris finally makes it and kneels beside Four Leaf,
cradling his head. Four Leaf's eyes are glassy, and his
body and arms are ripped open all over like a rag doll.
FOUR LEAF
Get outta here. I'm worm food, man, you
dig?
OSIRIS
(beginning to cry)
What, and give up all that California
pussy you been talking about? Shiiit.
Someone's gotta show me around L.A...
FOUR LEAF
(cracking a bloody smile)
Shit. . .the only way you're gonna get a
piece of LA pussy if is you go out to the
graveyard and dig some up...
Osiris looks down at Four Leaf's now missing arms...
OSIRIS
Well ...y...you better come along and
bring the shovel...
He starts to choke up.
Tropic Thunder 8.
FOUR LEAF
I'm scared,. Sarge. 'Scared I ain't never
gonna see another sunset.
(long philosophical beat)
Why does a man want to pick up sticks
against another man... 'Stead of usin'
them sticks. to prop a man up?
Osiris nods, now crying like a baby... �4Id Iu I. Igft
OSIRIS'
DON'T YOU DIE ON ME FOUR LEAF... .THAT'S AN
ORDER!!!
FOUR LEAF
(beginning to fade)
Hold my hands... 'cause I got somethin'
to say...
Osiris looks down.at Four. Leaf's bloody, stringy stumps.
There's nothing to hold...
FOUR LEAF
Are, you holding them?
OSIRIS_
(WEEPING)
Oh, I'm holding them..
FOUR LEAF
I ain't never been worth a. nothin' in
this life, and it's kinda late to start
b e i' a somethin' now. But you... you
are my... b-b-brother.
Four Leaf screws.up.his .face and begins to cry--except
that he can't. He tries again... and can't.. Hescrews
up his face grotesquely...
FOUR LEAF
You are my...
WE NOW PULL BACK TO REVEAL we are actually on location
shooting this war scene with about 50 CREW MEMBERS
watching, surrounded by millions of dollars worth of film
equipment.
Four Leaf, actually the superstar. playing him, Speedman,
is getting increasingly self-conscious, becoming more and.
more aware of the-crew waiting for him to cry.
The actor playing Osiris, KIRK LAZARUS, is also getting
uncomfortable holding Speedman's not-crying head.
,, Tropic Thunder 9.
(YES, LAZARUS WAS WHITE AND IRISH IN THE SATAN'S ALLEY
TRAILER, now he is AFRICAN AMERICAN and speaks with an
American accent-- IT WILL BE EXPLAINED SOON!)
The person perhaps most upset about it all is the skinny'
young British director, DAMIEN DORFMAN. Coiled at the
monitor and covered in bug bites and sunblock, wet towels
around his neck, and clearly not made for jungle
life.. .he' mouths the words "you are my brothers..'." as
if trying to will the tears from Speedman's dry eyes.
SPEEDMAN
(breaking character)
I'm sorry, can we cut, Damien?
Damien grips his headphones in confusion, looking around
to his cadre of assistants and ADs...
The chopper continues to hover, soldiers continue to
fight, except a few are starting to wonder what's going
on.
SPEEDMAN
CUT! We gotta cut, Dorf!
DAMIEN
(CONFUSED)
What? What did he say?
(to 1st AD)
Play it through! Still rolling!
Now the extras have stopped fighting -- except for a few
way far back.
1ST AD
Play it through! Still rolling!
SPEEDMAN
No! Not still rolling! Cut!
Damien runs towards Speedman.
Fats, who is young fat comedy gross-out star JEFF
PORTNOY, gets up from the ground, rubbing his butt.
PORTNOY
OW, SHIT! I fell right on my ass bone!
Other "dead" extras begin to hold their heads up and look
around. Some are amputee stuntmen.
11
Tropic Thunder 10.
1ST AD
(into megaphone)
Damien? Are we cutting?
1st AD jumps off the scaffold, running towards the
director. Tekkies scurry around, lots of confusion. Are
they cut, or what?
Brooklyn,'.played by the not-famous KEVIN SANDUSKY,Ihold s
his bloody "liver" up to hand off to someone.
SANDUSKY:
Mr. Dorfman? Are we cutting sir? Cause .I
think they put w ay too much blood in my
liver again.
DAMIEN
STILL ROLLING! Get down Kevin, you're
dead!
Sandusky immediately complies, he seems to be the only
actor listening to the director.
SPEEDMAN
I'm sorry.. I can't do it, Dorff.
Damien runs up to Speedman. They are the center of
attention -- the whole crew watching them.
DAMIEN
It's good, keep going. This is a big shot
so keep going, let it come. No arms,
you're hanging on, it's-al-1-coming out...
It's real, death, life, brotherhood and
we just... let's keep it going now...
He starts to back out, turning his finger in the "still
rolling" motion. He gives a thumbs up to the AD.
SPECIAL EFFECTS PYRO CONTROL TOWER
CODY, the GRIZZLED LOOKING PYROTECHNIC EFFECTS.GUY, paces
in an elaborate tower rigged with EFX detonation
equipment.
He is surrounded by a throng of local ASIAN TECHNICIANS
who all hold various types of buttons, and detonators.
He punches buttons, and surveys the chaos, trying to
figure out what's going on.
CODY
Is that the signal?
Tropic Thunder 11.
The assistant doesn't appear to,understand English. He
shrugs. Frustrated, Cody rips out an earpiece.
CODY
DAMIEN! IS THAT THE SIGNAL?
BACK ON THE ACTORS
'IYd "'
Damien has his hands full with Speedman.
SPEEDMAN
(above the din of the
CHOPPER)
Dorf! Seriously, I think we should cut.
I mean, Should Osiris be crying too?
Maybe he shouldn't cry if I'm crying...
Lazarus abruptly drops Speedman from his arms and gets
up, shaking his head.
LAZARUS
I'm sorry, so, just keep crying or are'we
cutting??
DAMIEN
No, no, it's good.
Portnoy is walking around massaging his butt.
PORTNOY
Damien, I think I broke my ass. Is it
possible to break your ass?
DAMIEN
Get back in character Portnoy! Still
rolling everyone!
(to Lazarus)
Great crying Kirk -- stay with that.
Chris Michael, don't worry about where
Kirk is at, just be Four Leaf crying
right here and now and still
rolling... and GO!
SPECIAL EFFECTS PYRO COMMAND AREA
Cody's crew buzzes around him in a countdown to
Armageddon...
CODY
Did he say "go"?
(loud into walkie)
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 12.
CODY,(cont,'d)
DAMIEN, ARE WE GO FOR EXPLOSION? BECAUSE
WE GOT ABOUT THIRTY MORE SECONDS TO
DECIDE IF--
BACK ON'THE ACTORS
The 1st A.D. tries to.get Damien to pay attention to
Cody, but he is too focused on getting Speedman to cry.
I III I. 11h."
'111
Lazarus gets back in position. He effortlessly turns.the
waterworks back on, sobbing like .,a broken man. Speedman
.starts to get back into position and then :--
SPEEDMAN
Wait, hey, y'know, maybe- is it the
line? "You are my brothers"? I don't
think I would.say that. Four Leaf
wouldn't say that.
DAMIEN
Yes, well-you see, Four Leaf was there
and he did say that. So...
Right. So let's just go...
SPEEDMAN
Is he here, or is he-'at the.hotel?
Because I would love to run it by him.
1ST AD
Damien! The chopper! I got to let them
go! We,need to pull the plug on the
treeline burst if you're cutting!
LAZARUS
You know what, this is nuts. You got my
take. I'm done.
(to Speedman)
Movie star. We'll be here till Chinese
New Year waitin.' for my man to. cry.
DAMIEN
Kirk! Wait!
Lazarus keeps walking.
DAMIEN
Kirk!
LAZARUS
.You got my take.
,I
Tropic Thunder 13.
–º" )
A CELL PHONE RINGS -- A HIP HOP RING TONE. MOTOWN, who is
played by rap superstar and budding media mogul
REDYKULOUS, pulls the phone out and checks his text
message.
REDYKULOUS
Hey, can we get this going? I got peeps
coming to my room to rub me down at 4.
Bitches, too.
His phone rings again.
REDYKULOUS
(into phone)
Hey! What's up! Naw, nothing -- same
soup, just re-heated, you know?
Redykulous wanders off in another direction. The AD is
now yelling into Damien's ear.
DAMIEN
(losing it)
EVERYONE! Please! The chopper only has so
much gas!
PORTNOY, trying to lighten the mood, rips a huge FART.
PORTNOY
Plenty of gas right here, D-man!
(then feeling the pain in his
BUTT)
OWW1
REDYKULOUS
Hey, yo! I am trying to have a
conversation here!
DAMIEN
Okay, fine! Fuck me! What the fuck do I
know? I'm just the fucking...
(inarticulate snarl)
Godfuckit!
Damien throws his headphones off in frustration... and
throws up his hands.
SPECIAL EFFECTS TOWER
Cody, sees Damien throw up his hands.
11
Tropic Thunder 14.
CODY
There's the signal! GO! GO! GO! Let's
light this puppy up! Let's go freaking
11 TET here!! i
Cody and his assistants push plungers, buttons, pull
levers, and drag metal wands over long lines of wired
nails, they spark and fizz...
WIDE SHOT'
Damien is-still throwing his fit when...
AN EXPLOSION TURNS THE ENTIRE TREE LINE INTO ACURTAIN OF
FLAMES.
ON CODY
climaxing with joy as he barks commands and pushes ever
more buttons..
THE BLAST
blows the helicopter backwards into a bank of lights,'
causing them to tip.and-begin a GIGANTIC CHAIN REACTION
that takes down most of the equipment, then finally THE
TOWER WITH CODY AND HIS ASSISTANTS!
Men jump like fleas. Cody lands on his back, in pain,
.which he seems to like.
CODY
(1 T)
That was good for me.
Damien's mouth hangs open in shock. There is a strange
quiet on the set.
DAMIEN
(WHISPERING)
.Did we get that on film?
The cameraman turns to the AD and then back to Damien,
looking a bit scared.
CAMERAMAN
Sorry, Damien.'Chris Michael was saying
to cut, so we cut--
The AD comes up to the lost looking Damien.
Tropic Thunder 15.
1ST AD
(to Damien)
I'm gonna have to call it, Damien.
Damien is silent, stunned.
1ST AD
(into megaphone)
Okay, that's a wrap for'today. If you are !IN
injured, please find the set medic.
Speedman, looking as if he had nothing to do with what
just happened, walks toward Damien.
SPEEDMAN
I think I got another in me if you want
to go again, Damien.
Damien looks at the scorched treeline behind them.
Speedman looks too, then looks back at Damien.
SPEEDMAN
Your call.
In the background, Cody is casually putting out a fire on
his lap. He gives an 'I'm O.K.' gesture to no one in
particular.
CUT TO:
El TELEVISION OPENING GRAPHICS
After a flashy montage, JULIE MORAN, the cute El News
Daily reporter, walks through the Tropic Thunder set in a
halter top, talking to camera:
JULIE
Well, it might look like 1969 here in the
tiny Southeast Asian country of Bien Den
Phu, but it is 2007, and they are making
history. We are here with an E!
exclusive, the first look behind the
scenes at what Hollywood insiders are
calling the most expensive war movie ever
produced. It's called "Tropic Thunder",
and first time Director Damien Dorfman
has assembled an all-star cast to play
the forgotten grunts who perished near
here more than 35 years ago.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 16.
JULIE (cont'd)
Heading up the ensemble, the highest
grossing action star of all time, Chris
Michael Speedman...
d I
VARIOUS SHOTS OF SPEEDMAN AT PREMIERES, PRESS CONFERENCES
JULIE .
But the last few films have-not "blown
up" for Speedntan as he's struggled to
broaden his range as an.-actor.. First, an
attempt to change gears with a comedy...
INT. BANK - SCENE FROM "CHITLIN AND THE DUDE"
Speedman'and Martin Lawrence, both with guns, are holding
up a bank -- Speedman in drag. They yell at each other
in that uptight-white-guy/loose-cannon-black-guy action
comedy style.
JULIE (V:O.)
The disappointing "CHITLIN AND THE DUDE",
was followed.with last year's failed
venture into serious dramatic
territory...
EXT. PONY FARM - SCENE FROM "SIMPLE JACK" - DAY
:Speedman,..innoveralls and with a bad haircut, dressed as
a farm hand. He holds a pony_by the reins as he "talks"
to it by rubbing his nose on the pony's neck.
JULIE (V.0.)
."Simple Jack", the story-of a mentally
impaired farm hand who can "talk" to
animals was a box office disaster that
many critics called one of the worst
movies of all time.
SPEEDMAN
(as Simple Jack)
You mu-mu-muhhh make me'ha-aaaapy.
Tropic Thunder 17.
EXT. TROPIC THUNDER SET -- DAY
JULIE
(to camera)
But now, the question is can Speedman "mu-
mu-make" audiences happy in the true life
story of war hero Four Leaf Tayback in
"Tropic Thunder". And,' possibly a shot „ 1. -4416
at that elusive gold statuette?
EXT. TROPIC THUNDER SET -- DAY
Julie sits with Speedman. With them is the real FOUR
LEAF, a stoic, grizzled man of few words.
SPEEDMAN
(very serious)
All I want is to make the real Four Leaf
here proud. It's his story, he lived it
and wrote it in his book. That's why
we're here. But really, I mean, how cah
we begin to understand what he-- what you
--went through?
Four Leaf fixes his stoic, steely gaze on the horizon for
a beat. He lifts his hands up, and we see he has only
two HOOKS.
Speedman studies him closely, aping his gestures, trying
to "get inside" him as much as possible.
FOUR LEAF
(MYSTICAL)
When I lost these...
(holds his hooks up)
It was as if I saw through these for the
first time..'.
(indicates his eyes)
And it was only then that I really began
to use these...
(indicates his ears)
SPEEDMAN
That's great. He's like a... Buddha or
something. Maybe I should rub his belly
for luck!
He laughs, but quickly realizes Four Leaf doesn't find it
funny.
,Tropic Thunder 18.
JULIE
(to Speedman)
Like for a lucky Oscar nod this time?
Maybe you should rub Kirk Lazarus's
belly! He already has three!
Speedman laughs uncomfortably, trying to seem
unperturbed. i
"I' 0, nM y
L
CUT TO:
A SERIES OF SHOTS OF KIRK LAZARUS
In his normal.look, CAUCASIAN and IRISH, much like he was
in the "Satan's Alley" trailer...
- JULIE (V.0.)
Three time Oscar winner Kirk Lazarus,
reclusive, brilliant Irishman, considered
by many.'the best actor of his generation,
and also a known bad boy...
Stills of a DRUNKEN LAZARUS outside a New York Bar,
punching a paparazzo...
JULIE
. is famous for his total immersion
into whatever role he plays. To.transform
into the role of the African American
Sergeant who saved_Four Leaf's life...
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Lazarus is examined by a doctor.
AJULIE (V.0.)
Lazarus-went - to shocking, and
controversial lengths...
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - A FEW WEEKS LATER
Lazarus lies in a hospital bed,, covered in bandages.
JULIE
After undergoing experimental
pigmentation alteration procedures in a
Singapore clinic, this was the startling
result.
Tropic Thunder 19.
A doctor dversees as nurses carefully peel the bandages
off Lazarus's head. Lazarus is now Black.
INT.''TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE
In the hotel, with THE ENTIRE CAST sitting in front of a
banner touting the movie's title.
Lazarus speaks in his "Osiris" character voice we heard
at the beginning of the film -- one that he will NEVER
DROP.
LAZARUS
(OSIRIS VOICE)
There are all these young brothers who
got no role models but a bunch of pimp-
acting rappers, who glamorize a life of
gangsterism and womanizing. I'm just
grateful to have this opportunity to be
able to represent.
Redykulous hears this, looks pissed.
SERIES OF SHOTS OF DAMIEN DORFMAN
Getting awards, shooting documentary footage in SIERRA
LEONE of warring tribesmen.
JULIE (V.0.)
British documentary director Damien
Dorfman has never made a theatrical movie
before, but his mission, he says, is to
bring a reality to the film that he feels
is missing from most Hollywood epics.
INT. TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE
DAMIEN
My goal, quite simply, is for an audience
member to walk out of the cinema, feeling
as if they were IN Vietnam for two hours.
Quite literally.
REPORTER
Are you intimidated about working with
actors for the first time?
DAMIEN
Intimidated?
(CHALLENGING)
(MORE)
1
Tropic Thunder 20.
DAMIEN (cont'd)
Not really, mate. I tell you what's
intimidating. Filming a seven-foot Hutu
warrior who is readylto shove his machete
up your ass if you look at him cockeyed.
(BEAT)
That's intimidating. I think I ban handle
actors of the unarmed variety.
CUT TO:
JULIE (V.0.,)
Well, he'll certainly have his hands full
with king of comedy Jeff Portnoy.
INT. COURTROOM - VIDEO
A fuckedlup looking PORTNOY being taken away by a
.bailiff.
JULIE (V.0.)
After being arrested for heroin, cocaine
and crack possession, Portnoy is out to
prove he can. stay clean and get audiences
addicted to seeing him in a movie without
any potty. humor...
HIP HOP VIDEO -- MIAMI -- DAY
REDYKULOUS struts out and does a ridiculously lewd dance
with about FIVE HIP HOP ASSES. surrounding his face.
JULIE
And from the world of hip-hop, multi.--
platinum selling rapper, producer, and
clothing designer Redykulous, and star of
his own hi't reality show "Utterly
Redykulous".
INT. TROPIC THUNDER PRE-SHOOT PRESS CONFERENCE
Redykulous is in his "REDYKWEAR" sweats.
REDYKULOUS
As far as Redykulous is concerned, you
.know, I 'always believed you've got to
exploit every opportunity.
He holds up a can of "PYMP SWEAT".
Tropic Thunder 21.
REDYKULOUS
That's why my new sports drink Pymp Sweat
is the official beverage on the set of
Tropic Thunder, as well as my new energy
bar, the "Bust-A-Nut", with all proceeds
going to clean up land mines in this
previously war ravaged area.
EXT. HOTEL POOL -- DAY
JULIE
At a reported budget north of $200
million, Tropic Thunder could end up
costing almost as much as the real war!
But the good news for Damien Dorfman and
his troops -- the Oscar buzz is already
starting! So for El News I'm Julie--
All of a sudden Portnoy, wearing a Tropic Thunder cap all
askew and surfer shorts with no shirt, bursts out of the
bushes. He screams wildly and GRABS Julie, who cracks up
laughing at his "stunt". '
PORTNOY
(silly voice)
Me so horny!! Me so horny!!
He jumps into the pool with her! What a crack up!
CUT TO:
EXT. RUN DOWN "RESORT" HOTEL -- DAY
It is the one hotel in the area, and it looks like it has
been through a war, which it probably has. It has been
taken over as the Tropic Thunder production headquarters.
We see a mix of PRODUCTION PEOPLE and HOTEL WORKERS.
VOICE OF TODD
We're shutting you down, Dorf.
INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE -- DAY
Damien sits behind his desk, looking scared. Vietnam
photos, maps, and sketches cover the walls. Standing in
the office are ASSORTED CREW, including Cody and Four
Leaf, who whittles a stick with his hooks, never looking
up.
Tropic Thunder 22.
They are all staring at a speaker phone.
DAMIEN
You can't do that Todd.
VOICE OF TODD I
Yes we can.. The dailies are not good.
DAMIEN
Dailies are always bad! Bad dailies, good
movie! Isn't that what they say?
VOICE OF TODD
I never heard that saying. Look, Damien.
Fact: You're. three weeks behind and
you've been shooting for five days. Fact:
we greenlit this project at a very
specific number, a number Walter and I
could get in bed. with, and fact--.
DAMIEN ,. _.
(starting to lose it)
Todd, it really isn't necessary for you
to,keep saying "fact" before everything.
It's kind of implied, that if you are
saying.it--
VOICE OF TODD
Alright.. I'm just.trying to keep the
emotion out of it, so I thought I would
say."fact" before each fact, so it would
be less-upsetting -- I
VOICE OF WALTER
Ok, Damien, this is Walter, I'm just
gonna jump in.and bad-cop.it here for a
second. Dude, I mean, 46,000 dollars for
Chris Michael Speedman's masseuse's
miscellaneous living expenses? It sounds
like the inmates are running the asylum.
DAMIEN
Well, yes, that's exactly-it,.Walter if-
you actually came out here you would see
that .these actors are--
VOICE OF TODD
(loud out of'nowhere)
The actors didn't blow up the rainforest
and forget to turn on the camera Damien!
I have a lot of tolerance, but when. Lt
comes to nature I lose it!
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 23.
R
IN
â–º VOICE OF TODD (cont'd)
I will not be called an eco-terrorist, do
you understand that?
Damien looks a bit bewildered by that. His hot young
assistant comes in with a cell phone.
11
HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT
Sorry.
(whispering to Damien)
It's Chris Michael, he says it's
important.
Damien, shaking now, steps out on to the balcony and
slides the glass door shut.
EXT. RUNDOWN BALCONY -- DAY
Though the hotel is a shambles, the view out on to the
bay is spectacular.
DAMIEN
(trying to seem calm)
Yes, Chris!?
EXT. SPEEDMAN'S PALATIAL BEACHFRONT ESTATE
In stark contrast to the hotel where everyone else is
living, Speedman is in what looks like an Asian
presidential palace overlooking the ocean.
SPEEDMAN is standing on the deck, trying hard to hold the,
phone with his hook hands. "Simple Jack" plays on a flat
screen inside.
SPEEDMAN
Hey, Dorf. Just wanted to call and throw
a little pep talk your way. I know today
was rough, and you're probably mad at
yourself for not getting the shots, but
that's the way these movies go. We all
boot it from time to time, and today was
just one of those days. Happens.
DAMIEN
(sickly sweet)
Yes it does. It does. Though I do think
you have to realize Chris, that you are
somewhat responsi--
Tropic Thunder 24.
SPEEDMAN
Oh, also needed to let you know, and I.
.know you're like wrapped up with the
movie, but I really need that new chef
like we talked about, you know to really 4
get that super-ripped thing happening.
This guy is great but all he makes are
dumplings. And they stiill haven't worked
out the TiVo thing. III I. I I 4I
DAMIEN'
Right. well those things... those. 4,
4,
things ...I'm dealing with bigger issues
right now Chris --
SPEEDMAN
Yeah, of course, I just know we talked
about getting super-super-ripped for that
starvation sequence
Speedman's other line goes. He sees the caller I.D.
SPEEDMAN
Oh,, shit-- can you hang on a sec, D?
He switches over,, but it takes a few seconds with the
hooks.
SPEEDMAN
Rick?.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- L.A. - DAY
RICK PECK, head of the Peck Agency, sits in his office,
overlooking. Los Angeles. He has a headset on.
PECK.
Guess what I'm staring at right now?
WE INTERCUT BETWEEN SPEEDMAN AND PECK
SPEEDMAN
What?
PECK
I'm looking at your ugly mug on the back
of Vanity Fair magazine in beautiful
living color with the two cute cuddly
pandas from cuteville. It's insane.
I
Tropic Thunder 25.
We see Pedk is holding a Vanity Fair with an ad on the
back: it is a picture of Speedman looking earnest,
holding two baby PANDAS. The caption reads:
"PANDAS...THEIR SURVIVAL IS NOT SO BLACK AND WHITE"
PECK
The credibility factor that the pandas
give you is priceless, and strangely, if'
you see this picture, what really strikes
me is the credibility that you give them.
I've been getting psychotic feedback all
day. Hey did you get the basket I sent?
WE SEE: A survival-themed gift basket in a camouflage
backpack, There's a satellite phone, camouflage
sunblock, etc.
SPEEDMAN
Yeah. Thanks.
PECK
You sad? What's wrong?
SPEEDMAN
No I'm fine. I've just been having a
tough time over here. They still havn't
got the TiVo hooked up and... I don't
know... Lazarus is getting all this Oscar
buzz already --
PECK
Is that what this is about? Crazy Kirk
Lazarus goes and places his entire body
in some experimental Malaysian dipping
sauce so he can actually be black, of
course he's gonna get buzz. Listen to
what I am telling you. He is clinically
mentally not right.
SPEEDMAN
Yeah but the way they talk about him. I
mean, he played a retarded guy and won an
Oscar, I play a retarded guy and don't
even get a nomination. I don't know, I
mean you said "Simple Jack" would be my
"Elf" but with Oscars. Those were your
exact words.
1
Tropic Thunder 26.
PECK
I don't believe those were my exact words
but let's get beyond that to the root of
this. Remember the moment you chose to do,
this', and I wanted you to do the ESP
robot thing with Wolfgang Petersen? And I
said stay home be happy and you said "no,
Rick I need to play a real human being"
and I said "okay" and then I said "are
you sure?" and you said that you needed
this-for your soul?
SPEEDMAN
Yes but --
PECK
Which I totally respected and now you're
doing the crazy surfer three..sixty move
on me,..which I love by the-way-- but-you
said fuck it, I gotta do it for my soul
And-that's why I hate you.. Because you
were RIGHT. And you're in. the Phuc Long
fucking Delta,. in the real mud, with-
leeches in your hair, 20,000 mil
es from
Fatburger.being an actor-And, I would
wager, forcing everyone around you to
rise to your level. Am I right? I mean
you are over there forcing a bunch of
PUSSY actors to gel, straighten up and.
become a platoon. And it hurts. Am I
right?
Speedman actually seems tohave bought-this
SPEEDMAN
Yeah. You are right.
PECK
Alright, that's what.I thought. Now get
to work genius soldier. I'll handle the
.TiVo.
Peck hangs up abruptly.
ON SPEEDMAN
Speedman punches the button on his cordless and puts. it
down. He ponders Rick's words as he gets caught up
watching the end scene of "SIMPLE JACK" on his TV.
He has forgotten Damien is on the other line.
Tropic Thunder 27.
EXT. RUNDOWN BALCONY -- DAY
Damien stands holding the phone, still on hold. Through
the glass, we see the entire crew waiting silently behind
him.
SPEEDMAN ON TV (O.S.)
(as Simple Jack)'
Shu-sure is a puh-puh-purty
sssssssunrise, uh-uh-uh-uh-ain't it?
DAMIEN
Chris? You there? Hello?
Finally, after a few moments of listening to this, Damien
explodes. He throws the phone on the ground and jumps up
and down on it. He notices the crew staring at him. He
tries to look as if that just didn't happen.
He opens the sliding glass, and heads straight to the
door. He continues walking through his office, out into
the main offices. He motions for his assistant to join
him.
VOICE OF TODD
Damien? This is not going to go away! I'm
going to be on my cell all day -- I'm
going to a funeral but I'm keeping it on.
That's Where we're at with this!
OUTSIDE OF DAMIEN'S OFFICE
He walks with purpose, followed by his assistant.
DAMIEN
Get everyone together! We are having a
cast meeting" tonight! No choice! Everyone
must attend. I am putting my foot down!
HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT
Oh... I don't think I can do that,
Damien. Chris is having that "End of
First Week" party at his place tonight.
Everybody's going.
Damien's eyes twitch oddly.
CUT TO:
Tropic Thunder 28.
EXT. SPEEDMAN'S PALATIAL BEACHFRONT ESTATE -- NIGHT
It is an APOCALYPSE NOW theme party. Vegas style. Tiki
torches,, buffets. PLAYBOY PLAYMATE DANCERS circa 1967 are
dancing on a deck in front of a banner that reads "ONE
WEEK DOWN!". The crew and cast are partying their asses
off.
i n �� i nM�'al
WAITERS, dressed like bald Marlon Brandos in full face
camo, serve hors d'oeuvres.
PORTNOY, not looking very sober, jumps up on the stage
with the dancers and starts doing a striptease.
ENTRANCE TO THE DECK
Damien walks in, watching this scene from Caligula going
down. He looks in a deep funk.
Portnoy STAGE DIVES straight onto the lawn, landing with
a thud in front of Damien.
DAMIEN,
Jeff. Jeff are you alright?.We.need to
talk -- as.a cast, as a platoon, right
now.
PORTNOY
(sick and drunk)
Dorfie-- did you happenito see that grip
withthe bandana?-The big guy?-I was
supposed to meet him here. He has a-
package of mine.
Kevin Sandusky ("Brooklyn" from the movie) comes up to
them, looking fresh faced and eager.
SANDUSKY.
Hey Mr. Dorfman. Jeff. You O.K? That was
some hit you took today.
PORTNOY
(BEAT)
Who are you?
SANDUSKY
I'm Kevin. Are you serious? Kevin
Sandusky? I'm playing Brooklyn?
Tropic Thunder 29.
PORTNOY
Oh yeah. Right. Hey, have you seen that
grip with the bandana?
SANDUSKY
Uh, no. I think--
But Portnoy is off already looking for his drug
connection. They both watch him go.
SANDUSKY
Hey, Mr. Dorfman, I was hoping to find
you. I know this is a party, but this
afternoon after work I was breaking down
my M-16, and I have to say, in the night
watch scene, a minute and a half is a
pretty short amount of time to assemble
it.
DAMIEN
(TOUCHED)
You actually care, don't you?
SANDUSKY
Oh, yeah. Of course. This is a huge
opportunity. To be working with all these
great actors, and you.
DAMIEN
You're the only one who auditioned.
You're the only one who did the two week
boot camp, Sandusky.
SANDUSKY
Yeah, I know. It was kind of weird.
Wasn't the point that we were all
supposed to bond?
DAMIEN
(BITTERLY)
Yes, that was the point.
Damien, grabs a drink from a passing tray, and downs it.
We follow A WAITER as he passes Speedman with a tray of
food.
Speedman, ungracefully and with his hook hands, grabs a
spring roll off the tray. He resumes talking to LAZARUS
who is deeply uninterested.
I
I
r Tropic Thunder 30.
SPEEDMAN
I guess I just watched some retarded
people. I mean, I spent a lot. of time.
with them... watching them.. Watching all
the retarded stuff they did.
LAZARUS
Huh, I always found mere observation a
little rudimentary. Gotta dig deeper to
mine the true emotional,paydirt. Diagram
the source of the pain. Then live it.
SPEEDMAN
(trying. to keep up)
Exactly! With Jack. I was, for the
first time in-my life..
(searches for the word)
Retarded. I was retarded.in.the trailer,
retarded at home., Brushing my. teeth
retarded. In a `weird way I had to
unlearn what it was to be... .NOT
retarded.
LAZARUS
Yeah... but Simple Jack thought he was
smart. Or, rather, didn't think he was
retarded. So you can afford to play
retarded', being a smart actor. Tricky
tricky stuff. Hats off for going. there.
Especially.knowing how the Academy is
about that shit.
Speedman is lost:
SPEEDMAN
About what?
LAZARUS
(with 'a chuckle)
Are you serious? Everyone knows you
don't ever go fully retarded!
SPEEDMAN
How do you mean?
Lazarus sets his. drink down. School's in session.
LAZARUS
Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man.
Looked retarded. Acted retarded. NOT
retarded. He could count toothpicks,
cheat at cards. Autistic. Sure. NOT
retarded. HANKS'. Forest Gump. Slow? Yes.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 31.
LAZARUS (cont'd)
Retarded? Maybe. Had braces on his legs,
he charmed the pants bff Nixon, and won a
ping-pong competition. Peter Sellers,
"Being There", infantile? Yes.
Retarded? No.
He claps a hand on Speedman's shoulder.
LAZARUS
You went full retard, man. You never go 14
full retard. Don't believe me? Ask Sean
Penn, 2001, I am Sam. Went full retard.
Went home empty handed.
Speedman sees this for the truth it is. How could he be
so stupid?
LAZARUS
(cruelly, driving it home)
But hey, man! Who knows? Four Leaf could
be your ticket to Oscar gold. I'd lose
the hook hands though... cripples don't
give the Academy wood either.
SPEEDMAN
(DAZED)
Oh.
Lazarus laughs and excuses himself by rattling his glass
and heading for the bar. Speedman stands hurt, delicately
holding the spring,roll in his hook.
ON THE OTHER SIDE,OF THE ROOM
Damien paces the party. He looks more miserable and high
strung than ever. He discovers Redykulous, surrounded by
his posse and a CAMERA CREW.
DAMIEN
Redykulous... I need to talk to you.
REDYKULOUS
What up, money.
DAMIEN
(in a hushed tone, aware of
the cameras)
We're having a cast meeting, right now
We need to come together as a unit --
The camera crew moves in for the close-up. . .making Damien
uncomfortable ... Redykulous takes it in stride. Throughout
the scene he is TEXT MESSAGING someone.
Tropic Thunder 32.
REDYKULOUS
Uh-huh...
Damien is made uncomfortable by the cameraman who has i
started manually zooming in and out on him in a dutch
style camera move...
DAMIEN i
Do you mind if we step away for a moment?
REDYKULOUS
From what?
Damien tries to indicate the crew.
DAMIEN
(whispering even lower now)
From the...uh...you know... .this area..
REDYKUL:OUS
Oh, I see...sure
They take a few steps away from the bar... The entire
camera crew follows.
DAMIEN
Oh. Hah! No, I mean away from the
cameras.
you understand?. Away from
(indicating the crew)
them...
REDYKULOUS
No.
DAMIEN
What?
REDYKULOUS
No. I can't do that. If Redykulous
steps away from the cameras then my
.people don't get to see the real
Redykulous. The show is called "Utterly
Redykulous".
DAMIEN
Well this is about work ...my show so to.
.speak. Do you understand?
REDYKULOUS
I guess. But not really. Your show and
my show are the same thing. This is gonna
help your show, trust me.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 33.
REDYKULOUS (cont'd)
My show AND the soundtrack drops the same
time "Tropic Thunder opens. So you get
that crossover audience everybody wants
on your opening weekend, which will
dictate your revenue streams all the way
through DVD release, pay per view,
etcetera.
Damien thinks this over for a second. It does sort of
make sense. He then notices the chmera crew pushing in k I , 1 '144%
for a close up He awkwardly tries to get away from
them...
DAMIEN
Excuse me, everyone! If I could have
your attention!
Nothing. No one notices except Speedman. Damien grabs a
couple bottles off the bar and BANGS them together.
DAMIEN
Sorry to break up the party, but I just
wanted to call your attention to a cast
meeting tonight! Big meeting! Future of
the film depends on it!
(UNRAVELING)
Not to mention my entire bloody life!
Damien in a final cry of frustration, SMASHES a bottle on
the bar. He succeeds only in cutting his hand.
DAMIEN
GODFUCKITI SHIT!
Speedman comes up, placing a calming hook on Damien's
shoulder. He steps to the fore.
SPEEDMAN
(slowly, deliberately)
"When... we.'.. put... aside... our...
differences... we see we're kind of the
same."
Within moments, the place settles completely.
SPEEDMAN
(Long beat...-then almost
quietly.)
"When we put aside our differences, we
see we're kind of the same. Let's be
friends, I know we will do great things
together."
(beat, then more upbeat)
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 34.
SPEEDMAN (,cont'd)
That's a quote from my children's book,
"The Boy Everybody-Was Jealous Of." I
know it's just a book for. kids, but I
think it applies to.making a movie as
well. 'Course... I know a lot of the
reason things are maybe messed up is ME.
The guys look at each other -- maybe he's not so bad.
SPEEDMAN
I was looking-at it all backwards. You
guys are lost. You heed.me to.lead you,
to help you gel, and straighten.up --
like a PLATOON!
A long beat.
PORTNOY
(drunk out of his mind)
Hey,. Speedman! That bullshit pep'talk
made me.H-h-h-h-h-happy!
The entire party cuts.up.in loud hysterics. Speedman
looks hurt. The DJ puts on-a Redykulous track really
loud, and the, place gets even crazier.
EXT. BEACH - LATER
Damien, drunk, walks along, illuminated by the light of
the moon. He holds' a bottle of wine, which.he chugs..In
the distance, the party rages.
FOUR LEAF-CO .. S . )
When a herd loses its way, the shepherd
must kill the bull that leads them
astray..
Damien turns around., startled. FOUR LEAF is standing
eerily in the bushes by the sand.
FOUR LEAF
You don't know which way is up, do you
private`? You couldn't find a dixie
coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your
prick. and showin' you the way...
Damien doesn't know what the fuck that meant.
Four Leaf moves to him, staring deep into his eyes.
Damien's eyes widen in fear.
,I
I
„Tropic Thunder 35.
FOUR LEAF
A raindrop cannot carve a valley. An ant
cannot defeat a buffalo. But a tempest
can cleave that mountain to make the
valley, and an army of ants can fell the
mighty buffalo.
DAMIEN
(seeing the wisdom of this)
Yes...
FOUR LEAF
If the lion, although king of the jungle,
is thrown into the sea, he will
drown... but...if...
(PAUSE)
He...lives in the...water, for many
years, he will.. .grow gills ... . do you
understand?
(long pause)
DO YOU!?
He lunges at Damien and grabs him by the collar with both
hooks. '
DAMIEN
(near tears now)
I want to!!! But not really!!
(BEAT)
Someone's an ANT? Or something???
FOUR LEAF
I put my story in your limp Brit hands
and you will not fail me!!
(long pause)
My boys were worse pussies than these
guys. But the shit is what made us a
unit. A whole. You must put them in the
SHIT.
He releases Damien and takes a large draw on his
cigarette...
FOUR LEAF
There's a place. About a hundred clicks
from here, as the crow flies. Deep in the
jungle. No trailers, no port-a-potties.
Nothing but triple canopy jungle and
cockroaches the size of melons.
Damien seems intrigued yet a little freaked out by his
weirdness.
1
Tropic Thunder 36.
DAMIEN
And...?
FOUR LEAF
Rig up your documentary cameras'in that
jungle, give me and Cody a few of those
smoke bombs and some charges and we could
light up the jungle so those lily-dick
actors would think they were in the
middle of. Hamburger Hill. You.get them
thinking they're getting shot at, and
you'll have your movie.
Suddenly, Four Leaf slaps his neck with his hook as
though he has been bitten. He holds out a small squished
mosquito' between the claws of his prosthesis.
FOUR LEAF
You must put them.under your thumb the
way this. bug is under mine... .under YOUR
control.
DAMIEN
I see ...yes ...They would 'be under my
total control... finally. I could shoot
the whole movie there. Gritty. Dirty.
Away from their pampered pussy posses and
helpers...
FOUR LEAF
Yes... yes...
DAMIEN
Put them in the real shit. Film them
with real fear in their eyes. REAL FEAR!
.REAL EMOTION! YES! YES, FOUR LEAF, FUCK
YES!!
Damien and Four Leaf share a crazed look. COOL MUSIC UP
as WE PUSH IN and...
CUT TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT
A CHOPPER skimming the treetops, illuminated by a lonely
moon...
Tropic Thunder 37.
IN THE CHOPPER
Cody is piloting. Damien and Four Leaf are in the back
sitting, across from Speedman, Portnoy, Redyk and Lazarus
and Sandusky.
We move across the faces of the actors, all in
brainbuckets, who all look confusted and unhappy, except
for Sandusky who seems excited.
Speedman clutches the camouflaged gift bag from his agent
Rick Peck.
PORTNOY
(FINALLY)
So, uh, any idea how long we'll be gone?
Because I left most of my... vitamins
back at the hotel.
The other actors chime in with similar concerns,
regarding sleeping arrangements, make up facilities,
etc... '
FOUR LEAF
Save your breath, maggots!
They all shrink back. Four Leaf's fierce posture is
undercut as the helicopter lurches, sending Damien
sprawling onto hire.
DAMIEN
That's•right. Maggots.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAWN
The chopper lands in a small clearing as the sun rises
behind a mountain.
IN THE CHOPPER
Damien and Four Leaf, in DI mode, hustle the "grunts" off
the chopper.
DAMIEN
GO!!!
Apparently they are not moving fast enough -- Four Leaf
and Damien shove the guys out of the chopper onto the
ground.
.Tropic Thunder 38.
FOUR LEAF
MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
The group, scared shitless, start falling out of the
doors of the chopper, more like a bunch of oysters than a
crack platoon.
Four leaf jumps on the skid of thy chopper and motions to
Cody, who lifts off. It kicks�up a violent backwash, 0, Iq y
forcing the guys to duck. and cover.
FOUR LEAF
See you in hell!
As the noise of the helicopter fades, the group starts.
trying to orient itself in their new surroundings.' The
Jungle. Black, dense, unforgiving.
All around them can be seen the remnants of a war that
has been over for thirty years. A grave marker,. half of
an old rusted out•'downed chopper.
All are absorbing the spookiness, except Portnoy who
seems very upset.
PORTNOY
This is bullshit!
Damien marches over to him, and SLAPS HIM REPEATEDLY in
the face.
PORTNOY I
(clutching his cheeks)
OWW! FUCKIN' JESUS, DUDE!
DAMIEN
YOU'RE SITTING ON A NEST OF HOSTILE V.C.
ENEMY. CONGRATULATIONS FATS. YOU JUST GOT
US ALL KILLED! ANYBODY ELSE CARE TO GIVE
AWAY OUR POSITION TO CHARLIE!!
Silence.
DAMIEN
CELL PHONES!
Everyone hands over their phones.
Speedman, however, turns away from the group, getting his.
satellite phone out of the gift bag. He surreptitiously
stows it down the front of his pants.
,. Tropic Thunder 39.
I" â–º
Damien dumps them in a pile and finds a large boulder. HE
smashes the phones with a draatic flair. The guys GROAN.
Damien turns on them with a crazy gleam in his eye.
DAMIEN
Okay, girls... now that I have your
attention, I will tell you fuckfaces what
we're doing here. You are no longer
actors in a movie. You,are grunts in a
war. These men around you are your
brothers.
The guys look at each other, unhappy.
DAMIEN
Congratulations. You've just landed in
"the shit". Your objective is to head
north and liberate the village at D'ang
Kwook Hill, at which point "Four Leaf"
gets himself captured, at which point you
rescue him, at which point we will
chopper you home. We will also be
rigging this entire valley of death with
hidden cameras so that every glorious
moment gets on film. And believe me it
WILL be glorious. If it looks real,
chances are good it probably is. You
wanted to be actors? You wanted to
occupy the skin of another human being?
Get ready to occupy the skin of a
terrified U.S. Infantry grunt, surrounded
by death, crawling up Satan's arsehole.
There's going to be enemy fire. Booby
traps. Your own personal little slice of
the 'Nam.
The group shares a look -- "What's going on?"
He pulls out a laminated packet.
DAMIEN
(to Spe?dman)
"Four Leaf", since you're the Captain
here, here's the scene list and the map.
(he throws them at him)
Think you can handle it? From now on,
Whatever we get on film is our movie,
period.
Damien pulls out a walkie-talkie.
.Tropic Thunder 40.
DAMIEN
THIS is your only link to, the real world.
It will be used only in an emergency or
to replenish our supplies if absolutely
necessary. This is NOT a cell phone.
This radio goes'to the chopper, and the
chopper ONLY. The chopper is GOD, and I
am Jesus Christ his SONI!! You will'
depend on and pray 'to US!! And nobody �i�� i n I' �IMd�4
gets home until we get the shots!
(loud and confident)
Now... let's'put the greatest war movie
ever in the can!
With that, Damien marches toward the treeline and'steps
on a dormant LAND MINE left sleeping for decades., BLOWING'
HIM TO BITS.
The group stands absolutely stock still for several long
beats until...
SPEEDMAN
Whoa.
EXT. JUNGLE. -- A HALF MILE AWAY
A group of about SIX ASIAN GUERILLA FIGHTERS, well armed
and scary looking,,. notice the sound of the explosion.
They begin talking very seriously in a foreign language.
One of them grabs a radio:
GUERILLAS
(SUBTITLES)
< We have heard an explosion, in the
northern sector.>
A UNKNOWN VOICE
(crackling over walkie
talkie),
.
They lock and load, heading towards the actors...
EXT. JUNGLE -- A.HILLTOP CLEARING
Four Leaf scans the horizon while. Cody sets up high-tech
equipment, including monitors and cameras and detonation
devices.
I
Tropic Thunder 41.
CODY
So, I'm thinkin' as soon as Damien gives
us the go ahead, we'�ust their cherry
with a few airbursts, then alpha-alpha
till they come running right at, us, then
a good of fashioned firefight,
maintaining our distance.
Four Leaf ignores him, instead looking around the jungle,
looking almost lost.
CODY
I been meaning to tell ya the whole
shoot. I'm probably one-a your biggest
fans. Your book was kinda my "Catcher in
the Rye". It inspired me to become a gyro
man.
Four Leaf gives Cody nothing -- except his usual stoic
stare.
CODY
I'm actually sort of a war nut. I mean I
never was in the service, but for me
blowing shit up in a war films is sort of
my way of paying tribute to the real
deal. And you sir, are the real deal.
Nothing.
CODY
Hey, I was wonderin' what kind of sidearm
you carry? Looks to me like a--
FOUR LEAF
(very scary)
I don't know what it's called. I just
know the sound it makes when it takes a
man's life.
Cody, a little spooked, picks up his radio.
CODY
Ok, we're ready to rock and roll.
(to walkie-talkie)
Damien, come in. Cameras are up,
ordinance are up. Ready to kick the tires
and light the fires on your say so.
11
Tropic Thunder 42.
EXT. JUNGLE - THE ACTORS
WE are close on the seemingly broken.walkie talkie,.which
has heard none of this. We PULL BACK to reveal the guys,
staring at Damien's corpse in total shock. All except
Speedman, who looks on with a smirk.
PORTNOY
I think he's like... dead.
SPEEDMAN:
(with a chuckle)
Nice, very nice, Dorf. . .Very nice,
wherever you're hiding!
REDYKULOUS
I don't think he's hiding.. I think he
just died!
Sandusky leans down towards the off screen corpse.
pulls a wrist into frame.
SANDUSKY
He doesn't. have a pulse ...or a head.
He then grabs a bent and rusty.piece of metal.
SANDUSKY
Must've been one of those Claymore mines.
This old Jungle must.be full of them.,
REDYKUZOUS
You bet your ass it is. That's why a
percentage of my Pymp Sweat Profits are
helpin' solve the problem!
Damien's corpse emits a disturbing death rattle.
Speedman busts up laughing. They turn to him -- what the
hell?
Speedman throws an-arm.around Sandusky, -like an indulgent
older brother.
SPEEDMAN
C'mon! Don't you get it? This is what
.Dorf was talking about -- our slice of
the Nam! He's trying to get in our
heads!
Tropic Thunder 43.
GUERRILLAS P.O.V -- FROM THE SURROUNDING JUNGLE
They are right behind the treeline, watching the guys
from about thirty feet.
SPEEDMAN
That whole "life and death" speech in the
chopper? He's meshing 'with us! What do
you think all that "playing God" was
about?
The guys breathe a huge collective sigh of relief --
except Lazarus.
LAZARUS
Are you nuts, shithead? The dude is
dead!!
Sandusky looks unsure. He doesn't want to take sides.
SPEEDMAN
Kirk. I know you're the big fancy actor
here, but, no offense, I've done a lot
mote effects driven event films, and I
think I can spot a prop body.
ON THE GUERRILLAS
The LEAD guerilla signals for all his guys to hold their
fire and pick their targets...
ON THE ACTORS
Suddenly, The walkie-talkie lying on Damien's body
crackles to life:
CODY (ON WALKIE)
-- I repeat, we are now go for mission!
DAMIE--
The walkie crackles unintelligibly. Speedman picks it up,
showing it to the guys. See?
SPEEDMAN
(SMIRKING)
Alright, can we start the scene now? Or
do you need a formal invitation?!
(checking the list)
Scene 12A, ext. Jungle. Day. Ambush.
Tropic Thunder 44.
Speedman closes his eyes, taking a second to get into
character. He opens them, and grabs. his gun and creeps
towards the bushes, stealthily..
SPEEDMAN
(as Four Leaf)
I got a baaaad feeling on this one, Fats.
The group remains motionless., Speedman gives Portnoy a ,M in MAIM
"c'mon!" type look. Portnoy doesn't know what he means...
SPEEDMAN
I said, I got a baaad feeling on this
one, Brooklyn...
Oh! He's acting!
Sandusky hesitantly takes the cue, and starts walking.
stealthily around.with him, on high.alert.for Charlie.
Swinging his gun unpredictably.
ON THE GUERILLAS
They are a mere ten or fifteen feet from Sandusky on the
other side of the. trees... they back off as. he waves his
gun...
BACK ON THE ACTORS'
SANDUSKY
(-as Brooklyn)
Me too, cap'n.
(BEAT)
Hey, cap?: If.I told you something,
something kinda personal, you wouldn't
think I was crazy, right?
SPEEDMAN
Naw, man. I know you ain't crazy
Brooklyn...
SANDUSKY
Well,. if I told you that I, I never
actually, well, been with a girl...you
wouldn't, like, think I was, like, queer
.or nothin'... would you.?
SPEEDMAN
.Naw, man... I wouldn't think you was a
queer.
,I
Tropic Thunder 45.
I" â–º
Redykulous shrugs and joins in, too:
REDYKULOUS
(acting really "black guy"
SCARED)
Sh...sh...shit ...When I get back to the
world, I'm gonna find me the finest piece
of Detroit nubian mugambo, and fuck it
till I broke its back.
PORTNOY
The last "mugambo" you ever tasted was in
your momma's soup bowl. I wouldn't mind
slurpin' on a little of that --
SPEEDMAN
That's enough outta you Fats. Don't you
worry, Brooklyn. You gotta lotta days a
fucking ahead of you and I for one ain't
gonna let Charlie...
Lazarus can't handle it anymore.
LAZARUS
What the FUCK is wrong with you people?!
Speedman shoots him a look then takes a few steps back.
He addresses the treeline.
SPEEDMAN
Sorry Damien! Back to one... action!
(he gets back in character)
Don't you worry, Brooklyn, You gotta
LOTTA--
LAZARUS
Yo, asshole! Mothafucka just DIED!
Speedman sighs, annoyed.
SPEEDMAN
How many more takes you wanna wreck? Some
of us are taking this seriously.
Lazarus looks likes he wants to explode. But instead he
becomes eerily calm. He begins an impressive
transformation -- Everything except for his skin color
returns to his real identity, a pompous Irish prick.
LAZARUS
(Heavy Irish)
Jaysus! There isn't going to be any
movie, ya gobshite!
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 46.
LAZARUS (cont'd)
Damien is dead, Speedman. Yes,_the show
must go on, but this is feckin' madness.
PORTNOY
(re: Lazarus transformation) i
Wow. That was really cool.
THE GUERILLAS
Are watching this, poised to attack.
BACK ON THE ACTORS
Speedman and Lazarus argue, more heated now.
SPEEDMAN
Excuse me Kirk, I think you dropped
something.
He mimes picking something , off, the ground.
SPEEDMAN
It's called your character. Don't worry,
I won't tell the Academy!
Suddenly: GUNFIRE FROM EVERYWHERE! The Guerrillas have
seized the moment.
The actors all immediately hit the dirt, except for
Speedman,.who just looks annoyed and blase as dirt and
debris kicks up all around him.
SPEEDMAN
You happy now? We're out of position for
the effect! Am I the only one who read
.the script?! This is the ambush!
A tree aboveSpeedman gets hit, explodes, sprays chunks
of wood and shrapnel everywhere.
SANDUSKY
I think they're really shooting at us!
SPEEDMAN
What are you guys worried about? These
guys are pros. The unions would tear
them a new ass-if any of us got hurt.
The actors stay down, looking scared.
SPEEDMAN
Come on, you guys! Let's use this!
Tropic Thunder 47.
No one follows Speedman's lead., Fine, he'll go it alone.
Speedman begins shooting at the guerillas alone, and
doing a very good job of it, going through an assortment
of absurd action style maneuvers throughout.
Redykulous looks around, and then decides to get up and
join him. Sandusky and Portnoy look at each other -- what
the heck -- and follow. They all fire at the unseen
enemy, letting out very convincing WAR CRIES.
ON THE GUERRILLAS
Not knowing it's only blanks, and awed by the power of
the actors' automatic weapons, and the intensity of their
screams, they drop back...
GUERILLA LEADER
The guerillas hastily go through their packs hooking up
RPGs...
EXT. JUNGLE - HILLTOP CLEARING
Four Leaf looks out into the jungle below, he can hear
the firefight, but, Cody can't.
FOUR LEAF
Hear that?
Cody is preoccupied with the radio and the explosives.
CODY
What? I still can't get Damien on the
radio. I bet he forgot how to use the
Walkie again. What do you say we get a
little... pro-active?
Cody, very excited, grabs a plunger.
BACK ON THE ACTORS
Still fighting, oblivious that the guerillas are about to
blow them to kingdom come with RPGs.
But before the guerillas have a chance--
I
t' Tropic Thunder 48.
ON CODY
He pushes down the plunger...
ON THE GUERILLAS
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!!
Dirt flies, the guerillas don't know what the hell is
going on =- except that someone is suddenly bombing the
shit out of them. They beat a hasty retreat.
EXT. JUNGLE HILLTOP CLEARING
Cody and Four Leaf watch Cody's handiwork with
binoculars. A smoke cloud slowly rises from the jungle.
CODY
Right on!! I bet Damien heard that!.
Cody turns to Four Leaf, and finds himself staring
straight at 10 GUERILLA FIGHTERS with their submachine
guns pointed straight at them.
CODY
Oh shit.
FOUR LEAF
Oh yeah.
And with that Cody and Four Leaf are.RIFLE BUTTED out of
consciousness...
EXT. JUNGLE -- THE ACTORS
Speedman motions for everyone to "cease fire".
SPEEDMAN
(PUMPED)
Aaaaand... CUT! Jesus!. Alright! That's
the trailer 'right there!
REDYKULOUS
That was some sick shit! I wasn't even
thinking bout the camera!
The guys' adrenaline is flowing, they do high fives all
around. Lazarus is not happy. He looks off into the
jungle, sensing that someone was out there.
Tropic Thunder 49.
SANDUSKY'
So what do we do now?
Speedman pulls out the map, frowns at it.
SPEEDMAN
Damien said to head north. I'm guessing
they've got more of these "battles" and
Viet Congs rigged for uls on the way.
(into it)
Alright, let's hump-our shit to D'ang
Kwook! Let's didi double time! We got a
lot of clicks to cover!
Speedman heads off into a particularly dense section of
jungle. After a beat, he reappears, looking a little
lost.
SANDUSKY
Uh...Sir, isn't it that way?
Kevin points in the other direction. Speedman glances
down at the map, which he rotates around, right side up
now.
SPEEDMAN
Oh yeah. Thanks, uh...
SANDUSKY
(can't believe it)
Kevin. Kevin Sandusky.
SPEEDMAN
Right. Okay, To D'ang Kwook! Lets do-it-
to-it!
Everyone follows Speedman. Lazarus, very reluctantly,
brings up the rear, still looking off into the jungle. A
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - ESTABLISHING
It is a large, secret heroin processing facility,
surrounded by barbed wire fencing. It is in a clearing
in the jungle, by a small river.
There's a GUARD TOWER overlooking a main gate, which
leads into a big open courtyard area. The main structure
is a low, concrete military-looking building.
It's all populated with tough-looking, well-armed
badasses.
Tropic Thunder 50.
CODY AND FOUR LEAF, both hog-tied and unconscious, are
marched through the courtyard, and into a building.
INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - COMMAND CENTER
We are behind the back of the person who is in charge. In
front of him, we see workers busily manufacturing tar
heroin, in a sweatshop like atmosphere.
A cadre of guerilla fighters domes in, sweaty and tired.
The Lieutenant steps to the fore -- this is BYONG. He's
badly shaken.
BYONG
The Unseen Leader shakes. his head.
UNSEEN LEADER
.
BYONG
UNSEEN LEADER.
.
EXT. BAMBOO FOREST -- DAY
The actors are slogging along, through a tall thicket of
bamboo. They look exhausted -- except for Speedman, who
always manages to look like.a.movie star.
PORTNOY
So... we're just supposed to keep
walking?
SPEEDMAN
We'll see some action soon enough. And
try to stay in character. We're on
camera..
PORTNOY
What do you mean "soon"?
,I
Tropic Thunder 51.
SPEEDMAN
Whenever Damien decides it's time, I
guess.
PORTNOY
When's that?
SPEEDMAN
I don't know. That's the whole point.
Damien wants us tired and confused.
REDYKULOUS
Yeah, well I'm definitely qualifying for
those objectives.
Everyone chimes in -- they all need a break. Lazarus
notices the mutinous vibe and smiles.
SPEEDMAN
Fine, fine. Okay, let's take a break,
but be on the lookout for anything.
Charlie doesn't care if you're on a break
or not.
Speedman plunks down and opens the map. He seems puzzled.
Lazarus eyes him suspiciously. Sandusky walks off to take
a leak. Lazarus then watches him go.
Off to the side, Sandusky starts to pee. He hears
something rustle next to him.
LAZARUS (O.S.)
Psst. Hey.
Sandusky turns to see Lazarus peeing uncomfortably close
to him.
LAZARUS
Speedman is watching. I don't have much
time. I don't really need to piss. I
need to talk to you. You went to the
boot camp Sandusky, right? You can read
that map?
SANDUSKY
Yeah...
LAZARUS
Good, good. Speedman is a tosser. That
hoor's melt really thinks this is a
movie. And he's got the lot of ya
convinced.
Tropic Thunder 52.
SANDUSKY
You saying you don'tithink they're
filming us?
I
LAZARUS
Of course not! It's only a matter of
time before he walks us into more mines
or more of whoever the hell was shootin',
at us. That muppet's going to get us all
killed. I need to convince everyone.to
turn around, but I .can't do it without
the map. You're the only one who can
read it. Can I count on you?
SANDUSKY
Well, yeah, I.guess. But
LAZARUS
Good man, Good man.
Lazarus makesa big show of pretending he's done peeing,
shaking, etc.., and heads back to the group.
Speedman eyes Lazarus. What is he up to?
Sandusky is just getting comfortable, begins to pee
again. He hears another rustle. He turns.to see
Speedman, right next to him.
SPEEDMAN
I'm gonna level with you, bro. I don't
need to pee. I need to talk to you.
Speedman surreptitiously takes out a can of Pymp Sweat
and sticks the tip of his Bowie knife into it, to create
a red pee.stream.
SPEEDMAN
Lazarus is insane. He's freaking out, and.
he's gonna.ruin the whole movie for all
of us. The men respect you, because you
went to boot camp and rehearsal.
(patting his shoulder)
And you're pretty handy with that map. I
need you on my side, Kyle.
SANDUSKY
Kevin.
Tropic Thunder 53.
SPEEDMAN-
If you stick with the program, I'm gonna
talk to some of the Dreamworks
brass... there'll probably be a Teen
Choice award in it for you. You have
that potential.
SANDUSKY
Well, I --
SPEEDMAN
Good man. Good man.
Speedman rejoins the group, gives Lazarus a cocky look.
EXT. JUNGLE - ELSEWHERE - LATER
The guys continue to trudge along a hugely overgrown
path. Speedman machetes through the overgrowth.
SPEEDMAN
If we stay on this trajectory we should
be reaching the village any minute now.
At the end of the line, we hear a few groans emanating
from Portnoy.
SPEEDMAN
Buck up,, Fats ...we got a long road ahead
of us...
PORTNOY
(SICK)
No... its just that I don't feel so hot...
I left my medication at the hotel.
REDYKULOUS
(to himself, snickering)
Yeah, I'd like to check out some of those
"meds" for my own self.
Lazarus moves up to Speedman.
LAZARUS
Look, ya eejit, I mean, if there was a
village don't you think we would have hit
it by now?
SPEEDMAN
Quit your carping, we're right where
we're supposed to be!
Tropic Thunder 54.
WHUMP! All of a sudden Speedman disappears out of
frame...
We see he has fallen chest deep into the edge of a SLOW
MOVING RIVER.
LAZARUS
.(laughing)
Hey, Is there a feckin' river on that
map?
S.pee`dman refers to the'now sopping wet map.
SPEEDMAN
Yes! There is! Its just a little more'
down to the... lefty-down part from the:
village.
(checking the scene list)
Anyway,. this feels like the Sampan, Boat
Raid at the end of the second act.
LAZARUS
I don't see a "Sampan" boat!
SPEEDMAN
Any second now one should come by.
Alright men, into the water!
Everyone'except Lazarus reluctantly gets into the water.
They all hold their rifles above their heads.
LAZARUS I
- L-et-'-s-stop this-char-ade-,sha-l-l-we? We
need to quit faffin' about and turn.
around NOW! And...
Lazarus grabs Sandusky.
LAZARUS
Sandusky agrees. with me. Don't you,
Sandusky?
Kevin is caught, not sure what to d
SPEEDMAN
Wait! First of all...
Now Speedman grabs him.
SPEEDMAN
Kelvin believes in this movie. And,
second, need I remind you,. I am your
superior officer.
,. Tropic Thunder 55.
P–º
LAZARUS
No, yer an actor. Arid if memory serves,
a pretty shite one.
The actors react -- Damn! Oh Snap! Shit! Speedman steels'
himself.
SPEEDMAN
THAT'S THE WAY OUT! That's our only
chance!
PORTNOY
Yeah, but maybe we should stay here until
they send help! Or maybe try to get back
to the hotel.
SPEEDMAN
Help from where! Need I remind you that
Damien's orders were to --
(right at Lazarus)
--stay in character.
(to the guys)
Now, I already have an international box
office presence, but for some of you, I'm
guessing you might not want to screw this
movie up!
This actually seems to affect the actors. Lazarus can't
believe it.
SPEEDMAN
.okay...C'mon, boys! This way. Let's go
get those Viet Congs!
Lazarus throws down his gun. He's had it.
LAZARUS
Jay-sus Fuck! It's Viet Cona! Not Viet
Congs! Viet Cong, you plunker! And, hey,
if you're so sure of yourself, why don't
you let Kelvin have a look at the map?!
Kevin doesn't know what to do -- he doesn't want to get
in the middle of this. Speedman continues to be the tough
guy.
SPEEDMAN
Be my guest.
Speedman hands over the soggy map. Kevin looks. After a
long beat...
Tropic Thunder 56.
SANDUSKY
We've been going the wrong way. 'We were
supposed to be doing this:
Sandusky traces his finger along the correct route -- a
clearly marked, northward arrow.
SANDUSKY
instead, we did this. i I �1d Iv I. 11M%
Sandusky draws a line due East --..into a. section of the.
map clearly marked with scary skull and cross-bone type 14 %
warnings.
PORTNOY
(holding his stomach)
Oh, man, this is not' cool, this is not
cool at all.
Speedman grabs the map back from Sandusky.
SPEEDMAN
I can't believe you people!. You're
pussing out on me? We are supposed to be
a unit!
LAZARUS
No one is "pussing out." They just
prefer not. to die.out here. Sandusky, can
you get'us back to the landing zone
without the map?
SANDUSKY
It might be tricky, but maybe.
LAZARUS
Okay, which is it, gentlemen? Playin' war
with Mister Box Office? Or staying
alive?
SPEEDMAN
Unbelievable!. Are you guys really gonna
abandon this movie?
A long tense. beat -- finally, Sandusky walks towards
Lazarus. Everyone follows him.
Speedman looks stunned. After a moment, he shakes his
head and begins crossing the river, holding his rifle
with both hands over his head.
,. Tropic Thunder 57.
SPEEDMAN
So that's the way it,,is, huh? Fine! I'll
finish the movie alone!
(turns to Lazarus, under his
BREATH)
And when I give my acceptance speech,
I'll be sure to thank you, Lazarus, for
staying out of that scene. And come Oscar
night, we'll see who feels a little "full
retard"!
He reaches the other side of the river.
SANDUSKY
Chris, You have no idea where you're
going!
SPEEDMAN
Yeah, I do!
(consulting the scene list)
I'm going to "EX'S. JUNGLE. DUSK. FOUR
LEAF PINNED DOWN AND ALONE". And, I can
shoot it alone.
They'watch him trudge into the foliage.
U2'S "BULLET THE BLUE SKY" comes up as the men watch
Speedman disappear...
EXT. MOUNTAINOUS JUNGLE -- SUPER WIDE -- DUSK
We slowly push in on a lone figure silhouetted against
the purple sky, trudging along the top of a trail to
nowhere.
CLOSER
Speedman walks through the scary jungle, exhausted. He is
tired, lonely and hungry. The jungle is making all sorts
of terrifying noises. Finally he stops and regards the
treeline.
SPEEDMAN
DORF!...CODY?!...What's the deal with a
meal break? Are they gonna chopper stuff
in later on? I don't wanna be a prima
donna or anything, but, we gotta eat,
right?
(PAUSE)
Damien?
P- 'Tropic Thunder 58.
Clearly no answer.
He trudges a bit further finally 'plunking down.by the
trunk of a huge tree. ,
He empties his pack, within which is the gift bag.from
his.agent. He 'surveys his wares: An i-pod. Nano, an In
Style magazine, a neck pillow, Cherry Chapstick, a,
tonight--show baseball hat, some packets of equal, and an
unopened "MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS' DVD.
EXT. JUNGLE -,DUSK
Our Guys, led by Lazarus, are humping through a dense
section of jungle. Portnoy is beginning to make all
sorts of pained and horrible noises.
PORTNOY
Uhhh... .UHHHHHHHH.
(PAUSE)
Ohhhhh-Maaaaaaannn...I'm cold. It's
FREEEZING..
REDYKULOUS
WOULD YOU PAH-LEEZE.SHUT THE FUCK UP!-
PORTNOY
(after a beat)
Ohhh GOD! Is'anybody BOILING!? It's like
a sweat lodge out here!
LAZARUS
Make a note gentlemen,. unwittingly,
Jeffrey Portnoy is joining the proud
ranks of those of us who have suffered
for art.
(to Portnoy)
A new frontier for you, Funny Man. When
this is all over, you might have more
than flatulence to offer an audience.
Portnoy looks a little hurt.
REDYKULOUS
You know what? I think I actually liked
you better when you were a nigga.
LAZARUS
You know, Redykulous', I respect what it
is you do, the rapping, the rhyme-talking
-- invented by the Irish I might add.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 59.
LAZARUS (cont'd)
Yet you ooze this hostility towards me.
Why do you think that-is?
REDYKULOUS
"Why"?! I dunno...maybe because they had
one good part for a black man in this
movie and they gave it to a white guy.
LAZARUS
Oh...I see...Put another way -- you're
mad because I can act "black" better than
you can.
SANDUSKY
Take it easy guys...
REDYKULOUS
(to Sandusky)
You better rein in 'black like me' over
here, before I put a foot in his white
ass...
LAZARUS
Niggaz always got to be niggaz.
This is truly over the line. Redykulous lunges at
Lazarus. They fight.
Redykulous throws a wide punch, that Lazarus deftly
avoids, that hooks Portnoy right in the jaw.
Sandusky jumps in and pries them apart.
SANDUSKY
Okay! That's enough! Jesus Christ! It's
not enough we have people shooting at us!
Now we have to kill each other?! Let's
pull it together! This place is full of
land mines! Or doesn't anyone's sense
memory recall our director being blown
up by onel?
That shut them up.
LAZARUS
Sandusky is right... we could all learn a
little from his common sense approach.
From now on we walk Indian style,
footstep upon footstep. Sandusky. . .you
take first position.
He breaks off a branch, and hands it to Sandusky, and
pushes him out front. Sandusky gives him a look.
Tropic Thunder 60.
LAZARUS
Your bravery shames us.
Sandusky reluctantly starts down the path, tapping for
land mines with the branch. The guys follow at a VERY
safe distance.
EXT. JUNGLE - NIGHT AM l u I, I nhy
CLOSE. ON Speedman's face. After a beat.a drop of water
hits him in the.forehead. Then another.
PULL BACK to reveal a pathetic shelter made. out of
headphone. wire, and the In Style magazine.' The drip-is
now becoming full on RAIN.
He clutches an Equal packet and. the Cherry Chapstick.
Gently, he puts the chapstick-to his face and takes a
tentative bite, as though he were eating human flesh. He
then tears open the Equal packet and empties its contents
into his hand,.and takes. a lick, savoring every granule.
He hears a rustling in the bushes across from him. A
rodent? Food? Excited, he pulls out his Bowie knife and
begins to stalk his prey.
Now another movement behind.the bush, and a flash of.
fur...
Stealthily, he moves towards it. With cat like quickness,
and knife drawn, he lunges onto the bush, A HUGE ROAR is
heard...
QUICK SHOTS OF: FANGS, BLOOD, AN EYEBALL, A HUGE PAW...
Speedman is slashed, SOMETHING has got him in a choke
hold...
He reels around screaming.and stabbing wildly, brutally
pummeling his attacker. He is. covered in blood, but
looks ecstatic.
SPEEDMAN
Die! Die, you son of a bitch! Die!
Speedman deals a death blow. And unleashes a primal
VICTORY SCREAM. Spent, he finally gets a good look at
his victim:
A.small, cute, cuddly PANDA...
Speedman looks horrified...
,i
,Tropic Thunder 61.
I" 1
FLASH on a SERIES OF STILLS from SPEEDMAN'S PANDA PHOTO
SHOOT...
He stumbles back against a tree.
Suddenly we hear an odd VIBRATING SOUND. He jumps, and -
frantically jams his hands in his pants it is the
forgotten satellite phone he hid there way back when.
CLOSE ON PHONE -- CALLER ID SAYS "RICK PECK"
Speedman answers...
INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- L.A. --DAY
Rick is on a Pilates machine in is office with a HOT
PILATES INSTRUCTOR working him out.
RICK
I got the personal attache of Bien Den
Phu's ambassador to the United Nations of
America delivering a TiVo directly to
your bedroom. But the bad news is you
gotta sit down and have monkey brains
with him or some ceremonial shit for the
local paper.
WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THEM
SPEEDMAN
(FREAKED)
I killed one rick. The thing I love more
than anything in the world...
RICK
A hooker? You killed a hooker? Calm
down, it's fine. This is a no-brainer.
Thank GOD you're out of the country.
SPEEDMAN
No! A Panda! I killed a panda!
RICK
You WHAT? Uhy. Heavy shit National Park.
Oh jeesus...take a breath.. .did anybody
see you?
SPEEDMAN
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME RICK!
Tropic Thunder 62.
RICK
Chill zone, buddy, 1im thinking. Did
anyone see you do this?
I
SPEEDMAN
I don't think so. I'm out in.the bush.
Alone.
RICK
Alright. Listen to me. I want.you to.get
your hands on some-bleach, some hydrogen
peroxide and some lime. Your gonna wanna
cut the body in quarters ... the femurs are
gonna be a bitch... that's normal...
Speedman'nods eagerly, absorbing it all, not noticing a
PIANO. WIRE BEING SLIPPED AROUND HIS NECK...
Suddenly, he'is being choked.-He drops the phone, gasping
for.air...
RICK (O.S.)
Chris? Breathe.! It's gonna be ok.. I'm
calling that publicist right now, the one
J Lo hired when she was'hammered and
killed that kid with her Jetski.
A guerilla shoots the phone. They quickly tie Speedman.up
and whisk him'off into the jungle.
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -- DAWN
Speedman is being led through the courtyard in:shackles.
He looks up to the guard towers.
There are security cameras everywhere. In Speedman''s
mind, movie cameras. He nods, into it.
SPEEDMAN
(under his breath)
Alright. P.O.W camp. Scene 67..Bring it
on Dorf.
INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT
Cody is just coming to. Four Leaf is already at the
slatted window, watching...
CODY
Where are we?
Tropic Thunder 63.
FOUR LEAF
In a detention hut. And they got
Speedman...
FOUR LEAF'S P.O.V. --
A guard shoves Speedman hard with a rifle butt. Speedman
over "acts" the pain.
BACK ON CODY AND FOUR LEAF
Cody gets up, starting to freak out
CODY
What? Why? We gotta get outta here! Are
they gonna kill us?
Four Leaf turns on him, grabbing him with one of his
hooks.
FOUR LEAF
Pull it together private! Shut your trap
before you get us killed! You understand
me , lilydick? !
Cody backs off, still scared.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- LATER
Speedman is in a windowless hut, his feet and hands tied
to a chair.
There are security cameras in the corners of the room,
which Speedman continually plays to.
Byong stands across from him, watching him calmly.
A
BYONG
What were you doing in our poppy fields?
SPEEDMAN
(CONFUSED)
Poppy fields?
BYONG
Who sent you here?
SPEEDMAN
("ACTING")
Corporal Four Leaf Tayback...Serial
number 694529987.
'Tropic Thunder 64.
BYONG
(CALMLY)
Perhaps some hot tea will make conversing.
a little easier?
SPEEDMAN
You bastard.
BYONG
What? just thought you might like.
some...
SPEEDMAN
Corporal Four Leaf Tayback. And oh.
yeah. . .THIS is from my uncle... SAM!
He HEAD BUTTS Byong in the face,. sending him reeling into
the back wall.
Beat.
SPEEDMAN
(under his breath)
You.ok? You leaned into it, man.orry.
CUT TO:
EXT. BAMBOO CAGE --.DAY
A pissed off Byong and a couple of guards throw Speedman
into a small cage that is suspended by rope over the edge
of-a marsh.
He looks around, impressed with the production design. He
looks up,.sees another security camera observing him. He
turns it on.
SPEEDMAN
May God protect you from the mighty arm
of the 51st Tropic Thunder to the end! My
men will seek you out and mete. out a
cruel justice!-
Byong and the guards look at him, a bit confused.
CUT TO:
EXT. RICE PADDY -- DAY
Looking up we see a circle of faces. Our guys, looking
down on something awful.. . .that thing is:
Tropic Thunder 65.
PORTNOY, delirious and groaningt
SANDUSKY
I think he's dead.
A wet fart seeps out of Portnoy.
REDYKULOUS
No. Just smells like hens dead. Smelled
44M
like that all night.
LAZARUS
What's wrong with him?
PORTNOY
(LYING)
Nothing! Probably just the beginning
stages of some ... . kinda...jungle fever.
More bad noises.
PORTNOY
If we can work out some rig to carry m�? I
think it might subside in a little bit...
No one touches him.
LAZARUS
Alright. Sandusky?
Sandusky looks up at him. Is he serious?
SANDUSKY
What?
LAZARUS
You and Redykulous are gonna have to
carry Portnoy. God help you.
He marches off.
SANDUSKY
God help me?
REDYKULOUS
God help him that bitch ever find his
blackface minstrel show ass alone with me
in the real world.
Redykulous and Sandusky shake their heads and gather up
Portnoy on a make shift stretcher.
Tropic Thunder 66.
EXT. HILLTOP
Our guys are humping, with Fats in the makeshift
stretcher.
They look exhausted. As they crest. the ridge, Redykulous
spots something.
''I , I n n4�N11
REDYKULOUS
Look!
From behind, Sandusky grabs him and forces him to the
ground.
SANDUSKY
SHH! Everybody down!
The guys hit the dirt. Lazarus crawls up to join them.
He pulls out his binoculars, and surveys the scene.
I
BINOCULAR POV
It is the Flaming Dragon compound...
ON THE GUYS
" LAZARUS
Fook me! I knew it!
-SANDUSKY
Knew what?
LAZARUS
"EXT. P.O.W. PRISON CAMP -- DAY"! Oranges
and Lemons,,, the bells of St. Clements.
Speedman was right. We 'are shooting the
movie.
Sandusky grabs the binoculars and starts'looking...
LAZARUS
(to himself),
How could I be so stupid.
SANDUSKY
I don't think so... . looks to me like some
sort of heroin processing plant. Look at
the cooking vats, and the guards.
Sandusky continues looking through the binoculars.
Tropic Thunder 67.
LAZARUS
How do you know all,this?
SANDUSKY
It was a long trip. I read the in-flight
magazine. We're in the Golden Triangle,
the biggest drug producer in the world.
Uh-oh.
BINOCULAR POV
It is SPEEDMAN, who is being dipped in and out of the
water in his bamboo cage, while a bunch of guards stand
around and laugh. Whenever he comes up for air, he is
YELLING:
SPEEDMAN
CUT!1
(into the water, then out)
CUT1!
BACK TO 'SCENE
LAZARUS
What do you see?
SANDUSKY
It doesn't look good.
Lazarus grabs the binoculars.
LAZARUS
Sweet Mother of Jaysus.
Suddenly: GUNFIRE ERUPTS ALL AROUND!
A BAND OF GUERILLAS have spotted them and are running at
them, firing automatic weapons...
The guys scream, and start a frantic retreat down the
hill. Portnoy suddenly gets well enough to run out of his
stretcher for dear life...
In fact, he is actually beating them down the hill.. .when
suddenly WHUMP! He falls into a PIT!
PORTNOY
HELP! GUYS! WAIT!
REDYKULOUS stops and turns around and runs back to him,
heroically pulling him out. BUT...
Tropic Thunder 68.
There is more fire coming all around. He gives up,
reverses tactics, and starts KICKING PORTNOY IN THE
CHEST, trying to KICK HIM INTO THE HOLE !
11
PORTNOY
Ow! Fuck Dude! What the fuck?!
He screams in pain! Finally, WHUMP!! He disappears
into the'hole. REDYKULOUS whistles for the guys to join
him, and they all pile into the hole.
IN, THE HOLE
Totally black... . they huddle, trying to muffle their
heavy breathing...
ABOVE. THE HOLE
The guerillas all frantically look around for the guys.
No sign of them. One of them signals for them to keep
moving.
HOLE
Footsteps can be heard above leaving the area. Sandusky
lights a match. Portnoy is weeping in pain.
SANDUSKY
Must be one of those underground tunnels.
The-cou-ntr-y-is-l-itte-red-with them. Je-f-f
must have found one of the entrances,:.
Portnoy is on his side in pain, whimpering.
PORTNOY
My ass...I think I took one in the ass...
SANDUSKY
Lemme see...
Sandusky rolls him.over, and off camera, helps him remove
his pants... All the guys recoil in horror.
REDYKULOUS
AWW JEEESUS MAN!
SANDUSKY
How did it get infected so fast?
More ad libs of disgust...
Tropic Thunder 69.
SANDUSKY'
Okay Jeff...This is gonna hurt like hell,
but I have to take my finger and see how
deep the slug is, and if I can dig it
out. Take a breath. Redykulous, hold his
hand...
Beat... Sandusky puts his hand off camera.
I
PORTNOY
Hey Dude! What are you doing! Cut it
out! That's not the bullet hole. The
bullet hole is over here!
It dawns on the guys that they have NOT been looking at
the bullet hole. Ad-libs of even MORE disgust.
SANDUSKY
OH! my bad. You just got grazed. You're
gonna be fine.
EXT. BAMBOO CAGE -- DAY
Speedman is exhausted, slumped in his cage. He is covered
in a few leeches. Byong appears with his usual cadre of
guards. He nods, and they grab Speedman, and drag him
out of the cage.
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON HQ - COURTYARD
Byong leads Speedman to the center of the courtyard. A
HUSH falls over the soldiers.
They begin to part, as someone very important is
arriving.
Finally, the unseen leader emerges. He is a LITTLE BOY,
no older than 12 years old, but has the eyes of a killer.
He smokes a cigar. This is TRAN.
He stops in front of Speedman, staring him down. Then, in
a show of alpha male dominance, he tears his shirt off,
revealing an impressive set of gruesome tattoos -- a
flaming dragon raping a monkey, raping a skull, raping a
rat. He holds a stick.
SPEEDMAN
(WARILY)
Uhhh..I don't think I got the new
pages...
Tropic Thunder 70.
TRAN
YOU ARE A TRESPASSER IN MY POPPY FIELDS!
YOU ARE D.E.A. SCUM! WE HAVE SHOT DOWN
YOUR HELICOPTER, AND SOON WE WILL KILL
YOUR COMPATRIOTS!.
Tran points across the courtyard where...
A"4 Iv I. InM y
CODY AND FOUR LEAF ARE MARCHED OUT. Cody looks scared out.
of his mind. Speedman takes this in.
Traci nods, and TWO GUARDS start to BEAT THE BEJEESUS out
of Cody and Four Leaf. Then Tran gets out his own stick
and starts to BEAT SPEEDMAN...
TRAN
DO YOU WANT THEM TO DIE? DO YOU WANT THEM
TO DIE!!
SPEEDMAN
No! Puh-Puh-pulease don't h-h-h-hurt
them... I
Tran cocks his head curiously. He stops beating him..He
signals.for the guards to stop beating the others. A long
beat.
TRAN
Say that. again.,
SPEEDMAN
Please don't hurt them?I
TRAN
No...like you did before!
Silence.
TRAN
SAY IT!
He threatens to hit him, Speedman recoils.
SPEEDMAN
Puh-puh-puhlease don't h-h-hurt them?
A hush falls over the crowd. Tran'seyes widen.
TRAN
NAYAM NOOK SNEP JAWK!
(louder, to the crowd)
NAYAM NOOK SNEP JAWK!!
Tropic Thunder 71.
IP 1
INT. TRAN'S QUARTERS -- DAY
Speedman is now seated in a comfortable, ornate chair,
though his feet and hands are still bound. Tran and
Byong and a few cohorts, stand across from him,
whispering.
TRAN'S ENTOURAGE
Nyam nook snep jawk...
SPEEDMAN
Please! Excuse me, What are you saying?
TRAN
Nyam nook snep Jawk!
(almost shyly)
You are Simple Jack?
SPEEDMAN
What? You.. You saw Simple Jack?
TRAN
We love the tale of this man, Simple
Jack.
Tran snaps his fingers, and an assistant shows Speedman a
battered VHS BOX OF SIMPLE JACK. Speedman looks lovingly
at it.
TRAN
We do not have many luxury here. Simple
Jack is the only movie we possess. We
have watched it many, many times. How is
the word? Genius?
Speedman smiles big. They smile back at him. It's a
small world after all.
BODYGUARD
(broken English)
You should have got Oscar.
SPEEDMAN
Thanks. I mean even just the
nomination...
TRAN
You were nominated?
Tropic Thunder 72.
SPEEDMAN
No, I mean it is great to.be nominated,..
if you are, or that's what I hear.
Whatever. It's a popularity contest.
It's totally political, you have to lobby
for like a year for it...
TRAM
SHUT UP NOW. ilia i n nMd
(BEAT)
My apologies for almost.beating you to
death before.
SPEEDMAN
No problem. So are you going to let me
go?
TRAN
No. We will hold.you,for ransom.--.much
more money now..
He pulls out a cell phone.
TRAM
Is it possible to.have picture?
SPEEDMAN
Oh, sure, absolutely.
Speedman tries to throw an arm around Tran, a guard grabs
the arm., and twists it back. Speedman shrieks in pain.
TRAN
You mustn't touch me.
The guard snaps the picture.
ABODYGUARD
That came out really good.
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- NIGHT
The entire camp is assembled. Guards lead Speedman onto a
platform; behind Tran.
TRAM
The people CHEER some more. Tran turns to Speedman.
Tropic Thunder 73.
TRAN
Now, do the movie.
SPEEDMAN
Excuse me?
TRAN
Do the movie.
SPEEDMAN
The whole movie?
TRAN
Yes. Begin.
SPEEDMAN
Hey, I know you're big fans and that's
GREAT--
Tran smacks Speedman in the, head with a rifle butt.
Speedman crumples to the ground. The crowd cheers.
SPEEDMAN
OW!!
Tran stands over him, screaming into his face:
TRAN
YOU WILL PERFORM, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??
YOU WILL PERFORM OR DIE11! MONKEY-
SWINE!1
Speedman gets up, begins a scared, unenthusiastic
PERFORMANCE:
SPEEDMAN
Aww, puh-puh-Pa! Whu-why you guh-got to
muh-muh-make ffffffun of me?
TRAN
More stupid!
SPEEDMAN
Awww, puh-puh-paaaa...
Tran turns to one of his men
TRAN
Get him some overalls! And give him the
Simple Jack haircut!
CUT TO:
Tropic Thunder 74.
EXT. HOLE -- DUSK
Sand}asky slowly lifts his head out, surveying the
territory. It looks clear. He drops back down.
INT. HOLE -- DUSK
The actors look miserable. Portnoy-looks.like his face is
going to fall off
SANDUSKY
It looks clear, but I can't be sure. I
say we stay in here till it's dark.
REDYKULOUS
I can't believe this is how it ends for
Redykulous. I'm a triple platinum
recording artist., Shit.
PORTNOY
(shivering and wheezing)
I gotta get back to the hotel. I'm not
gonna make.it...
SANDUSKY
Forget it. That guard patrol knows we're
out'here. They'll be looking for us.
Anyway, Speedman's in that compound. And
no one else knows but us.
LAZARUS
That's right. So here's the plan.
Everyone leans forward expectantly.
LAZARUS
We sneak out of here, make our way back
to the hotel and once we're safe, we
alert the government of Speedman's
situation.
REDYKULOUS
Sounds good.
SANDUSKY
Whoa whoa whoa ... . wait! So, we're just
gonna leave him here?
Tropic Thunder 75.
REDYKULOUS
Yeah, and I don't wanna spend another
minute getting the full on smell'o vision
in this hole with his stinky ass.
Everyone agrees. They start packing up. Sandusky looks
horrified.
SANDUSKY Au II4
WAIT! Look, I don't think I've met a more
wildly self involved human than Speedman,
but you're just gonna leave him here? I
mean, come on. He's a person, guys.
These drug lords are killers. I mean,
they eat their enemies. We leave him
alone now, he doesn't have a chance in
hell.
LAZARUS,
That tosser is in there because of his
own stupidity. As far as I'm concerned,
he brought it on himself.
REDYKULOUS
Besides, how could we possibly rescue
him? Get real, Sandusky, we don't know
what the fuck we doing out here.
SANDUSKY
We've gotten this far. Look, we're making
a movie about one of the greatest rescues
ever. It's a true story,, right? I mean,
those guys weren't superheroes! They
were just put in extra-ordinary
circumstances, and they rose to the
occasion.
PORTNOY
Yeah, but they were trained soldiers.
They knew how to take care of themselves.
SANDUSKY
And we don't? They believed they could do
it. They believed in each other. Look,
I'm not saying it's gonna be easy.
(BEAT)
I mean, some of us might not come back.
REDYKULOUS
You mean, like, not on the same flight?
Sandusky just looks at them. They know that is not what
he meant.
Tropic Thunder 76.
PORTNOY
I NEED MY DRUGS!
SANDUSKY
Jeff -- I know this is really hard for
you,.•but you're gonna have to kick some
time, and it might as well be now.
(he turns to Lazarus)
Kirk, I've always admired you as an
actor. But as a person, I have to say,
not that impressive.' You got a.few
Oscars. Got any balls?
Lazarus takes this in.
SANDUSKY
Redyk. Whadda.you say? You talk a good
game, but how's it gonna feel when you're
sipping Cristalle with your homies.in the
hot tub back in.Cali knowing you left.a
man to die back here? You gonna rhyme
about that? ,
There is a long beat.
REDYKULOUS
Shit. I only wish they was filming this
for my show. I'm in.
He looks to LazaruS.,Lazarus takes a long dramatic pause..
Then...
LAZARUS
(with resolve)
We could fooster about for donkey's
years..Let:'s quit acting the maggot and
nix that mentaller.
The guys look at each other. What did that mean?
LAZARUS.
I'm in!
CUT TO:
INT. AGENCY OFFICE.- LOS ANGELES --DAY
Peck squeezes a stressball as his HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT
comes in.
HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT
Chris Michael is on the line.
Tropic Thunder 77.
RICK
(he hits a button)
Chris? What is this craziness?
SPEEDMAN (V.0.)
Hi, Rick. It's Chris--
INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND - COMMAND CENTER
Byong presses pause on a tape recorder he's holding up to
Chris's satellite phone. Tran watches, very serious.
RICK (O.S.)
Chris?
WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THEM
BYON G
Yes, that was Chris. But you will not
speak with him again. And do not bother
trying to trace this call.
RICK
What's going on? Who is this?
BYONG
We are Flaming Dragon. Speedman is with
us now.
There is a long silence as Rick processes this. Then he
nods slowly.
RICK
Oh. Really. Well I never heard of your
little agency. But if you wanna poach my
client? Lemme tell you something. His
career's been in a death spiral since
Simple Jack, so why don't you all go fuck
yourselves! Oh, and I bet he hasn't even
told you about the whole panda thing! He
killed a panda! And next time you're at
a cocktail party with Paris Hilton, or at
Kate Mantellini's choking down some egg
whites with Ron Howard, DON'T LET THAT
SLIP, because chances are, I ALREADY DID!
Rick slams the phone down.
I
Tropic Thunder 78.
INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -'COMMAND CENTER
Byon,g stares at the phone, amazed. He looks to Tran.
TRAN
(BEAT)
EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT
Up on the.hill., our guys. are back up top, watching
Speedman through binoculars.
BINOCULAR POV.-- FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD
Speedman is acting like Simple Jack, with his new bad
haircut.,He is performing for a small group, of chuckling.
GUARpS.
EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT
LAZARUS
Jaysus! We're too late. They brained him!
REDYKULOUS grabs the binoculars. Sees for himself.
REDYKULOUS
He's right, man, that ain't right.
Messin' with a man's brain.
SANDUSKY
We gotta get him outta there...
EXT. HILLTOP -- NIGHT -- LATER
The guys have set up a camp, with.a small fire. Everyone
watches as Sandusky diagrams a plan in the dirt.
SANDUSKY'
Here's us. Here's the compound.Here's
where Speedman was. It looks like they
move him at night, cause he's not here
now. Unfortunately we have no idea what
the layout of that place is.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder 79.
SANDUSKY (cont'd)
But Speedman does. If we can get in
there, and find him, maybe he can help us
sneak him out.
PORTNOY
(sweating and in pain)
I got an idea.
Everyone turns to Portnoy.
11 N 0 6 III4"
PORTNOY
It might be a little crazy, but...
REDYKULOUS
Crazy is better than nothin'.
SANDUSKY
What is it?
PORTNOY
(intermittent pain noises)
Back in '98, I did a low budget titty
comedy for skinemax, "Sex Camp". Anyway,
me and the campers from the uncool camp
had to break into the rich girls' camp.
So we did it by building a catapult.
They shot us over the wall and we
parachuted down.
The guys all look at each other... then finally:
LAZARUS
That's the stupidest idea I've ever
heard.
SANDUSKY
Yeah. Sorry Portnoy. That's lame. I say
we wait till just before dawn and sneak
over the fence. Take our chances. You
guys ok with that?
The group nods in approval.
SANDUSKY
Good. Then let's get some rest. Me and
Redyk are on first watch.
(to Lazarus)
I'll wake you in two hours, and we'll
switch.
They break up. Portnoy comes up to Sandusky, extremely
freaked out.
I
Tropic Thunder 80.
PORTNOY
I'm not gonna make it.
SANDUSKY
Yes you are.
PORTNOY
Then you gotta tie me up. I'm serious.
Tie me to a tree. No matter how much I
scream, or however much-I plead, you.must
not untie me. I will be cunning, I will
be in pain, and Iwill lie. The devil
works this way. I will say, do, and
excrete many regrettable things. But.no
matter what.. .you must leave me alone.
Beat..
SANDUSKY
Okay.. .Lazarus, you heard him. Tie him
up. We'll get you through it.
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON. COMPOUND -- NIGHT
Speedman has now been moved back to the cage. He is doing
a "late show" for a crowd of toothless old women. A
bodyguard plays a supporting female role, he wears a mop
for a wig.
BODYGUARD
(heav-i-l-y-accented Eng-l-is-h)
Jack...I could never go
-to the county ho-
down with you. I would be laughed out of
town. And what would Chet say?
The bodyguards laugh woodenly at Speedman.
SPEEDMAN
B-b-b-b-but I am a G-g-g-ggggoood Dd-d-d-
d-dancer.
Speedman bows, exhausted and exhilarated. The old women
.politely applaud. A new group forms in front of his cage.
Speedman stands. He sighs, and begins the movie over
again...
SPEEDMAN
Shu-sure is a puh-puh-purty
sssssssunrise, uh-uh-uh-uh-ain't it?
Tropic Thunder 81.
BODYGUARD
Go do your chores, slowpoke!!
INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS
Cody and Four Leaf watch through the slat in their
window.
11l I I, I. Inti"
FOUR LEAF
That poor bastard. Looks like they coo-
coo nested him.
CODY
(IMPATIENT)
So what's the plan?
FOUR LEAF
What plan?
CODY
To get us out of here? Come on man, yoi4
lived this, you gotta have an idea of how
we can get out of here? Right?
Four Leaf looks a little at a loss...
FOUR LEAF
(trying to be stoic)
Sometimes the flowing stream can only
move when... the water... dries up.
CODY
No offense, but what the hell does that
mean?
FOUR LEAF
It means I'm,sick of your yappin'!
CODY
Come on man, you heard him back there.
They wanna off us! We gotta escape! You
GOTTA--
Four Leaf suddenly puts his hook hand right up to Cody's
neck. Cody instinctively blocks it with his hand.
FOUR LEAF
I gotta what? Take on the whole compound
by myself!
CODY
Stop it man! You're chokin' me!
.Tropic Thunder 82.
Cody tries to push him away. They get into a wrestling
match, hand to hook... Cody is pushing against Four
Leaf... then four Leaf tries to pull away.. But Cody
holds on to his hooks... he holds on until... HE PULLS
THEM OFF! Revealing... TWO PERFECT HANDS.
CODY
AHH! Who the hell are you?
Four Leaf looks down, sheepishly.
EXT. CAMPSITE -- NIGHT
PORTNOY,. tied to a tree, looking miserable and fidgety..
We TRACK PAST HIM to...
SANDUSKY AND.REDYKULOUS, who sit upright, back to back,
leaning against one another. Sandusky smokes a
cigarette. It's quiet except for the hum of cicadas, and.
the odd jungle noise.
SANDUSKY
Wow... .look at all those stars. Makes a
guy feel pretty small.
REDYKULOUS
Yup.
SANDUSKY
Back in LA, we don't get stars like this.
I wonder why there are so many here?
PORTNOY (O.S.)
Ohhhh...jeeesssusss..it's horrrrible.:...
REDYKULOUS
Man, how can;, you be talking about stars?
We might not make it outta here tomorrow.
SANDUSKY
I don't know. I give us pretty good odds.
Redykulous looks at'his watch, and lets out a chuckle.
SANDUSKY
What's so funny?
REDYKULOUS
Nothin'..
PORTNOY (O.S.)
.I can't feel my legs!...
'tropic Thunder 83.
I" 1
REDYKULOUS
I'm just thinking about Lill Kantankerous
Bitch.
SANDUSKY
Who?
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(DRY HEAVES)
REDYKULOUS
She's a rapper I'm producing, a twelve
year old girl. Her first single drops
tomorrow and I'm not even gonna be there
to see it.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
Ohhhhh GOD! THERE'S BARBED WIRE IN MY
URINE!
REDYKULOUS
I pulled her off the streets six months
ago.
SANDUSKY
You did that?
REDYKULOUS
Well, not literally, she was trapped in a
dead end record deal with Rick Rubin.
Didn't even have a lawyer. Huh. And here
I am on the other side of the world.
About to die for a guy I barely even
know. Makes Redykulous wonder what's it
all about.
SANDUSKY
Yeah. . .well at least you have someone to
think about.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(TTTTTHHHHWWAAAAAPPP... GURGLE)
REDYKULOUS
You single?
SANDUSKY
Yeah,... .I guess. I dunno. I got a girl.
But it's not too serious.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(FFFAAAARRRRTTT... . FFFAAAARRRTTTT)
Tropic Thunder 84.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
MY EYES! SOMEONE RIP OUT MY FUCKING
EYES!!!! (VOMITING NOISE)
SANDUSKY
I don't think we're in love.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
Ohh... . thank God...its Over ...it's
finally over...
SANDUSKY:
It'.s kind of depressing. That feeling of
not having anyone who really loves you..
Redykuloils. puts his arm around Sandusky to comfort him..
REDYKULOUS
Hey, it's cool.. I think you're extremely
lovable.
Weird silence.
SANDUSKY
What?
REDYKULOUS
(removing his arm)
I mean like ...like,. I know what you mean.
I have love problems myself!
PORTNOY.(O.S.)
OH-H-GOD-! ITS--NOT-OVER!
SANDUSKY
.No you don't. What would the great
Redykulous, know about Girl Problems.
You're ten girls deep 24 hours a day!
REDYKULOUS
.That's the problem.
Silence.
SANDUSKY
How do you mean?
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(HUGE FART, BELCH VOMIT!)
Tropic Thunder 85.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
OHH GOOD!!!1 make it
stop! ... .Pahllleeeeeese!
REDYKULOUS
Jeesus, I can't believe I'm gonna tell
you this...
Beat.
REDYKULOUS
I'm... .I like guys.
SANDUSKY
What? But...
PORTNOY (O.S.)
Ohh...phew...
REDYKULOUS
I know-impossible huh. That's what I
say sometimes, but its true. Talk abort
living a loveless life. At least you
have someone who loves you. I don't even
have that.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(THE SOUND OF GIVING BIRTH... then:)
OH MY GOD. MY SKIN IS A MILLION PIECES OF
SHATTERED GLASS RUBBING AGAINST AN OPEN
WOUND!
REDYKULOUS
When I think of the nights, alone in my
penthouse, when I've longed for the
gentle touch of another dude, to feel his
skin against mine, or his sweet breath on
my face.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(LOUD SNORING)
SANDUSKY
All this from the same guy who
wrote"Niggaz Gotta Bust a Nut on a Ho".
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(LOUD VOMITING)
REDYKULOUS
Yeah, well, let me let you in on a big
secret.
(MORE)
.Tropic Thunder 86.
REDYKULOUS,(cont'd)
Most of the time, when I'm writing about
ho's in my songs, 'I really mean Niggaz.
Creatively, that's the only way I can
cope.
SANDUSKY
So what! You're gay! You're also a great
artist and-businessman ... why not rap
about that?
�u I° I. 11�jm
REDYKULOUS
Yeah right. And watch my clothing line,
e4�
sports drink,jewelry, nutrition, bars,
and fragrances go south? It's all such a
lie.
Now he begins to cry .a. little. Sandusky embraces him.
SANDUSKY.
Shhh...shhh... .shhh..shhh..shhh... .That's
it...let it out.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(LOUD VOMITING)
REDYKULOUS
(muffled, crying in his
SHOULDER)
If you tell anyone I'll have someone
shoot your. ass.
SANDUSKY
I'm not gonna tell anyone, and your not
gonna shoot me... .th-at's it...l-et -tout.
Redykulous pulls back, and collects himself.
REDYKULOUS
Aww shit... (sniff sniff) I can't. believe
it's possibly the last day of my life,
and I'm not even gonna be able to let my
fans know how truly 'Utterly Redykulous I
really am.
SANDUSKY
(with total sincerity)
Listen, I know how utterly Redykulous you
are. Even for just.thisone
moment. . .and sometimes that enough.
PORTNOY (O.S.)
(SOUND LIKE A GALLON OF SQUID BEING
DUMPED INTO AN ALUMINUM PAIL)
I
Tropic Thunder 87.
REDYKULOUS
Thanks man.
CUT TO:
INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- NIGHT
Cody, still awkwardly holding the hooks, is yelling at
Four Leaf.
CODY
So all of "Tropic Thunder" is bullshit?
FOUR LEAF
No! Four Leaf and his men were real, it
happened!
CODY
Are you even a VET!?
FOUR LEAF
YES! Well ...no! I mean, kinds! Yeah! Not
exactly. I served honorably in what they
called the "forced service". Sanitation
Detail at the United States Pentagon.
CODY
So you were some two bit criminal who got
caught and sentenced to clean toilets at
the Pentagon? I IDOLIZED YOU MAN!
FOUR LEAF
God-dammit, would you LISTEN! I was a
fuckup, sure, but one day as I was
cleaning the office of some Top-Brass big-
wig, I came across a file headed for the
shredder marked top secret. It was Four
Leaf Tayback's file. A nobody. No family.
Nothing. Killed in Action. They were
gonna bury the whole thing. Total black
op.
CODY
So you decided to take his identity?
FOUR LEAF
NO! I gave him one! I wrote the story
And I gave the American people a hero!
Yes, I am not technically Four Leaf, but
if I didn't pretend to be him then nobody
woulda ever known who he was! See what
I'm sayin'?
Tropic Thunder 88.
CODY
And you cashed in!
FOUR LEAF
I was a fuck up my whole life! This guy
had a story worth-telling, and nobody
woulda ever known!
Cody slumps in the corner, looking spent and lost.
FOUR LEAF
I'm sorry, man.. I'm responsible: for this
.whole mess.
EXT. JUNGLE -- PRE-DAWN
PORTNOY wakes up, still tied to. the tree, looking like
shit. But realizes something-that makes him ecstatic:
PORTNOY
I'm clean! I'M CLEAN!!!!!
He struggles to his feet, doing a celebratory dance. He
immediately gets nauseous again and heaves.
PORTNOY
(still sick, but cheery)
My ' life .be_gins today!
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON THE FLAMING DRAGON INSIGNIA
Pull back to reveal that it is on a piece of paper being
pulled from a fax machine.
The text below reads:
"Flamingg. Dragon has Speedman.lfyou want him, the price is $5O Million."
There's a phone number below it.
Reveal we're in...
INT. AGENCY OFFICE -- LOS ANGELES -- DAY.
Rick frowns at the fax. His Hot Assistant comes in.
,, Tropic Thunder 89.
HOT YOUNG ASSISTANT
Rick, you better check your email.
He punches up his email. He opens a video attachment. We
SEE:
ON RICK'S COMPUTER
A bad quality video of Speedman sitting in the
interrogation room.
BYONG(V.O.)
Mr. Rick Peck. So far you have refused
to give us the respect we asked for.
Maybe this will change your mind.
Please state your name.
SPEEDMAN
Chris Michael Speedman.
BYONG (V.0.)
Who do you work for, Mr. Speedman?
SPEEDMAN
Well, I guess that really varies from
project to project--
Byong SCREAMS at Speedman, who cowers. Even Rick
flinches.
TRAM (V.0.)
Wrong answer!! You work for me now!! Do
you understand! Like my desk or my gun,
you are mine and you exist for me!!
SPEEDMAN
Yes! I work for you!
ON RICK
PECK
(IMPRESSED)
He really knows how to handle a client.
He hands the assistant the fax.
PECK
Get this yutzle on the phone. Now.
Tropic Thunder 90.
I
INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -+., COMMAND CENTER
Tran,,and Byong sit by a phone. Byong looks impatient., i
Beat. The phone rings! Byong answers.
BYONG
Yes.
INT. RICK PECK'S OFFICE
RICK
I saw your 'little fax, Flaming Fuckwads.
I bet you thought I was just. going to lie
here and take it. Well, wrong! My name
is Rick Peck, not Rick Shaw,..and you are
not gonna take me.for a ride, you
industrious fuck; I don't care who you
people think you are, but I am coming.
there, and I am going to jack you up! I
am bringing the heavy artillery, my
friend, so you'd better be prepared for a
blood bath.! I am walking out of there
with Chris Speedman whether you, or he,
likes it or.not!
Rick slams down the phone, enjoying himself.
INT. FLAMING DRAGON COMMAND CENTER
Byong and Tran are stunned.
TRAN
Byong turns to his lieutenants.
BYONG
Tropic Thunder 91.
INT. RICK PECK'S OFFICE
RICK
Shandra, get tech support to put a trace
on this email attachment, let's find out
where this "Flaming Dragon" agency is!
Call the travel department. See if they
got a nonstop to Bien-Ben-Wherever-the
fuck-it-is!
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COMPOUND -- PRE DAWN
SERIES OF SHOTS as the guerillas ready for an attack...
EXT. CAMPSITE -- PRE-DAWN
The guys are suiting up for combat. They apply burnt cork
to their faces for camouflage.
SANDUSKY
This is it. You know what you need to
do.' Tropic Thunder on three, two, one...
GUYS
TROPIC THUNDER!
They make their way down the hill.
EXT. FENCE LINE -- PRE-DAWN
They reach the fence. The coast looks clear and they each
scamper over...
Finally, it's PORTNOY'S turn. He's clearly too heavy.
The fence groans under'his weight. He launches himself --
and...
THWANG!!! Slams painfully into the razor wire of the
fence.
GUARDS hear the noise. They raise their weapons and
listen.. They see nothing in the pre-dawn darkness...
The actors run to the wall and clumsily pull PORTNOY
down, just in time.
Everyone's inside the perimeter... they quickly make their
way along the fence line to the entrance of the main
building, ducking away to avoid a LONE GUARD.
Tropic Thunder 92.
INT. MAIN BUILDING
Sandusky makes a series of hand gestures, indicating for
them to'split up and search for Speedman. A beat. The
guys all shrug, not understanding. Sandusky repeats the
hand gestures. Finally he has to speak.
i 1, 11 11^�%
SANDUSKY I 4I4
(in a loud whisper, also
signalling what.he's saying)
FAN OUT! 'GO ROOM BY ROOM ! IF YOU SEE, nci 16,
SPEEDMAN, give the signal!
We follow PORTNOY, working his wayldown a hall. He peaks
around a half opened door...
A DARKENED ROOM
.PORTNOY turns on his flashlight to reveal he is in fact
in... HEROIN HEAVEN! Wall to wall packets, ready,for
shipment.. PORTNOY is paralyzed. He spots a box with the
words "For U.S.A., 100% pure, dilute before ingesting".
His mouth LITERALLY waters, and'a drop. of .spittle oozes
from his bottom lip. He doesn't know what to do. He
gently takes two handfuls of the heroin from the box.
marked "pure". It's like holding two grenades...
HALLWAY
Sandusky moves silently toward a door. He kicks it'open
to reveal...
SPEEDMAN
Shackled to the floor. Delirious, he sits bolt upright.
SPEEDMAN
You mu-mu-make me ha-aa-ppy.
SANDUSKY
Oh sweet Jesus. Hold tight, Buddy! I'll
be right back!
Sandusky runs off to get the guys.
Tropic Thunder 93.
I" 1
HALLWAY
Sandusky rounds up Redyk and Lazarus, points to both of
his eyes, signalling that he's got "eyes",on Speedman.
They take a step in that direction. Redykulous stops
them, and makes a made up, absurd signal for "Where is
Portnoy?", somehow trying to mime looking for a fat guy.
No one knbws what he is doing.
REDYKULOUS
(FRUSTRATED)
Where is Portnoy?!
SANDUSKY
Shhh!
A muffled, anguished animal noise that could only be
PORTNOY emanates from a nearby door. They run towards it.
Redykulous kicks it in.
HEROIN HEAVEN
The 'gang flies in, to discover Portnoy holding the bags,
crying.
REDYKULOUS
What are you doing, man!
SANDUSKY
Come on, let's go! We found Speedmani
PORTNOY
I don't care! It doesn't matter what I
do! I'll always be a screw-up! No one
will ever respect me...
REDYKULOUS
That's not true! Listen, back in the
day, I used to think I couldn't produce a
record simply because...
SANDUSKY
.he's gay.
Uh-oh. That's not what Redykulous was about to say. Beat.
REDYKULOUS
Actually I was going to say poor.
SANDUSKY
Sorry...
I
Tropic Thunder 94.
LAZARUS
Listen.. .Don't be crazy Portnoy --you're
not a fuck up. You'make millions of
people laugh!
PORTNOY
You said my farts made them laugh! Leave
me ALONE!!
REDYKULOUS.,
That ain't true Portnoy! Lotta people be
fartin' and not be gettin' 20 large a pop
for it!
OUTSIDE THE DOOR
.TWO GUARDS hear the noises inside, head. in to check it
out.
HEROIN ROOM
The guys hear the guards enter the far side of the room.
They can't see the guys through the.shelves packed with
heroin packets.
SANDUSKY
Damnit! We need to go!
PORTNOY
No, I can't do it.
(-l-ooking-in the-pac-ket )
I need it! I need it!! This'is all I
deserve.
REDYKULOUS
Come on, man...
And.the guards emerge. around a corner! They jab their
rifles.at:the guys and SCREAM AT THEM TO PUT THEIR HANDS
UP!
The guys all slowly raise their hands...
Then, in a moment of craziness, PORTNOY CHARGES THE
GUARDS, PIE-ING THEM IN THE FACE WITH THE HEROIN PACKETS.
PORTNOY
LAUGH AT THAT!! LAUGH AT THAT BASTARD!!
The guards let off a BURST OF MACHINE GUN FIRE as Portnoy
grinds it into their noses...
Tropic Thunder 95.
INT. CODY AND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS
They hear the fire. Four Leaf runs to the window. Through
it he sees the commotion...
CODY
What?
FOUR LEAF
Something's happening! Get me the hooks!
HEROIN ROOM
Portnoy watches as the white faced guards fall to their
knees, choking and groggy. After a beat, they collapse.
PORTNOY
Let's move! We got about sixteen hours
before they wake up!
They run out.
SPEEDMAN'S CELL
The guys run in. Redykulous breaks the lock off
Speedman's ankle with his rifle butt. Sandusky keeps
watch by the door.,
REDYKULOUS,
C'mon! We're busting you out!
SPEEDMAN
Muh-my nnnname is Juh-Jack. Some folks
call muh-me Simple Juh-Jack.
REDYKULOUS
What's wrong with him?
SANDUSKY
I think he thinks he's Simple Jack. Like
from the movie?
LAZARUS'
Shite. I was afraid of this. The same
thing happened to me when I played Neil
Armstrong in "Moonshot". They found me in
an alley in Burbank re-entering the
Earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator
box.
Tropic Thunder 96.
REDYKULOUS
I heard that movie was good.
SANDUSKY
Can you fix him?!
LAZARUS
I'll try.
Lazarus takes Speedman's face in his hands, forces him to
look at him.
LAZARUS
.You're Chris Michael Speedman!
SPEEDMAN
Ah 1-1-likes pie.
LAZARUS
You're the greatest star in the world!
There's a flicker of intelligence in Speedman's eyes. It
passes.
INT. CODYAND FOUR LEAF'S DETENTION HUT -- CONTINUOUS
Four Leaf wedges one of the hooks in the. door jamb, and
Cody does the same with the other. In one fell swoop,
:they bust. the door off its hinges.
E-X-T . DE-T-EN-T-ION-HU-T----DAWN-
They emerge into the chaos. IT IS DAYLIGHT NOW. A GUARD
runs by, Four Leaf uses the hook to trip him up. Cody
knocks him out and grabs his machine gun. He tosses the
guard's pistol to Four Leaf.
CODY
By the way, what's your name anyway?
FOUR LEAF
Marvin Kaminsky.
CODY
you ever been in this jungle?
FOUR LEAF
Nope. First time outta the states
actually.
He shoots off a round and they run for cover.
Tropic Thunder 97.
INT. SPEEDMAN'S CELL -- CONTINUOUS
Lazarus is right in Speedman's face. He seems to be
getting clearer...
LAZARUS
The world needs you! It` needs its stars!
You make people forget how awful and 1� I Ii I. 1 ,14M
depressing their lives are! People love
your work! And... I love your work, too.
Speedman is quiet.
SPEEDMAN I
Uhhhh-uh-I'm... Spah-speeedman?
LAZARUS
Simple Jack was magnificent!
SANDUSKY
Is it working?
LAZARUS
JESUS! Give me time, Sandusky! I'm not re-
programming a VCR!!
(back to Speedman)
You really committed yourself. And for
that you DESERVED AN OSCAR!
Speedman registers this.
LAZARUS
(FRUSTRATED)
C'MON CHRIS! DAMMIT! YOU MUST KNOW WHO
YOU ARE!
Lazarus's own words make him stop and think.
LAZARUS
(almost to himself)
You know who you are... . you do Chris.
Long beat.
LAZARUS
Unlike me. What am I doing? I can't do
this. How can I convince a man he is who
we know he is, when I can't even convince
myself of the same thing.
He lets go of Speedman, and begins to break down.
Tropic Thunder 98.
REDYKULOUS
Yo, c'mon, man! Why is everybody gettin'.
so insecure alla a sudden?! You're Kirk
Lazarus! You're like the greatest actor
in the motherfuckin' world!
SANDUSKY
Guys, let's go, we gotta get outta here!
I it I. 11h.4%
LAZARUS
Am I Redykulous? ... AM I!...Or.am I just
acting like that's who I am?
No. The sad fact is... I'm not Sergeant
Osiris. . .or Father O'Malley ...or' Neil
.Armstrong. I'm not even .Kirk Lazarus.
(a beat)
I have no idea who I am.
The guys look at him... it's the first time he has let
his guard down.
SANDUSKY
Kirk, this is NOT the time!
LAZARUS
And I guess when you-do themath... .and
boil it all down, I've invented myself so
many times... .became so many
people... .that at the end of the.day...I'm
NOBODY.'
REDYKULOUSI
Bull-s-hit! Y-ou-l-isten to-me .-.-Y-ou-a-r-e-who
you want to be, and you-have to OWN. THAT!
Look at me! I'm GAY and, I'm proud!
He winks at Sandusky.
REDYKULOUS
That's right! We're.not what we're
called, or who we pretend to be. We are
what we are in our hearts. And to me,
looking into your heart, you're a hero..
Lazarus looks to Redykulous.
LAZARUS
You mean that?
REDYKULOUS
.Yup.
(BEAT)
(MORE)
'- -Tropic Thunder 99.
REDYKULOUS (cont'd)
And one of the finest pieces of black ass
I ever seen come out of Belfast.
Thera,... from off camera.
SPEEDMAN
And I'll second that.
They all'turn to see...SPEEDMAN. The million-dollar smile
is back!
SPEEDMAN
Now let's get the hell outta here!
Speedman leads the men to the door. Sandusky tosses
Speedman'a machine gun.
SPEEDMAN
Thanks Kevin.
SANDUSKY
My name...you remembered my name. You
gotta show us the way outta here Chris.
SPEEDMAN
Follow me.
This time they do...
HALLWAY
The guys run toward the opening to the courtyard,
Speedman leading the way...
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- CONTINUOUS
They huddle close to the wall, unseen, surveying the
situation: about 20 GUARDS on full alert... a JEEP about
30 feet away... beyond that, A HELIPAD with the
compound's chopper, maybe 200 yards in the distance...
SPEEDMAN
That's their supply chopper.
SANDUSKY
If we could create a diversion, we could
get to that jeep and drive it right over
there...
I
"Ttopic Thunder 100.
PORTNOY
Anybody here know how to fly a
helicopter? Cause that would come in,
handy too.
SPEEDMAN
You want a diversion? I'll give you a
diversion. Is this baby loaded?
He holds up the machine gun...
SANDUSKY
Yeah, but...
And with'that, Speedman runs out in to the courtyard,..
the opposite direction from the jeep, doing a CRAZY WAR'
WHOOP...
A BUNCH OF GUARDS turns to,see.him... he does a-SUPER
MACHO TUCK AND ROLL, landing perfectly and EMPTYING HIS
CARTRIDGE ON. THE GUARDS...
SANDUSKY
(to.himself)
.they're blanks...
There is a long moment of silence as the guards just
stare at Speedman. He seems a. bit surprised that. they are
not dead,. as do the guards themselves. They cock their
weapons, about to shoot him when.,..
A HAIL OF-BULLET FIRE-erupts-behind-the-gu-ards... They
turn...WE REVEAL CODY AND FOUR LEAF BEHIND THEM, THEIR
GUNS FIRING INTO THE AIR!!
SANDUSKY
Let's move!
The.guys jump into the jeep, Sandusky at the wheel, and
'gun it..
SANDUSKY
Chris, come.on!
Speedman jumps. into the jeep as it passes by. They are
speeding toward the helipad.
SPEEDMAN WATCHES FOUR LEAF AND CODY, WHO CONTINUE
SHOOTING AT THE GUARDS...
SPEEDMAN
Four Leaf! Effects guy! Come on!!
Tropic Thunder 101.
But they can't break away, they-are trying to run toward
the jeep but are under too much fire...
SPEEDMAN
WE GOTTA GET THEM, GO AROUND!!
Sandusky swings the wheel hard. . .the jeep careens back
toward the firefight...they come in hard, and SKID TO A
STOP NEXT TO FOUR LEAF AND CQDY..1.
Cody jumps in the jeep, but FOUR LEAF DOESN'T...
SANDUSKY
Get in the Jeep!
FOUR LEAF
You go... I got real bullets! I'll cover
you.. It's the only way you'll make it!
CODY
Marvin, you gotta --
FOUR LEAF
Just go!!
Sandusky looks at Speedman... they both know he's right.
They go... leaving Four Leaf in the dust, still firing...
The jeep speeds up to the helipad... the guys jump out.
Just as the last guy is out...
BOOM! A HUGE BLAST FLIPS THE JEEP INTO THE AIR...
Across the courtyard is TRAN... who just fired an RPG at
our guys!
The guys are freaked and shaken, but start to get in the
chopper... Sandusky pushes Cody in...
A
SANDUSKY
Start the chopper now Cody!
Cody nods, getting his bearings... and hitting the
ignition...the BLADES SLOWLY HUM TO LIFE, BEGINNING TO
TURN... Portnoy grabs Cody's gun and hangs by the runner,
shooting towards approaching guards...
WHAT WE SEE NEXT SHOULD PLAY OUT VERY MUCH THE SAME AS
THE OPENING OF THE MOVIE:
Tran is reloading his RPG...
Tropic Thunder 102.
REDYK and LAZARUS GET. IN, and SPEEDMAN grabs a live
machine gun off the ground and fires toward TRAN and his
men.
LAZARUS
WE GOTTA GO NOW!! LET'S MOVE!!
CODY
BUT FOUR LEAF --
LAZARUS
WE'RE. ALL DEAD MEAT IF WE DON'T.LIFT OFF
NOW!! DO IT CODY!!
Cody reluctantly pulls up the throttle. The chopper.
begins to LIFT OFF...
SPEEDMAN.
FOUR LEAF IS STILL OUT THERE!
LAZARUS
WE GOTTA GO! PORTNOY GET YER ASS IN THIS
CHOPPER!!
PORTNOY
I'M TRYING!!
Portnoy is not being heroic, he, is genuinely having
trouble getting in.-the chopper.
But then Speedman sees something...
SPEEDMAN
It's him...
SPEEDMAN'S POV
FOUR LEAF... much-like.Speedman playing him in the
beginning of the. movie... Arms extended, his body riddled
with bullets...
LAZARUS
FOOCK!
Cody lowers the chopper ... Speedman jumps out...
SPEEDMAN
Cover me!
Speedman runs towards Four Leaf, through a hailstorm of
bullets...PORTNOY AND THE GUYS PROVIDE AS MUCH COVER AS
THEY CAN...
i- Tropic Thunder 103.
Speedman reaches Four Leaf and collapses beside him,
cradling his head.
Trap's men continue to bear down on them...
FOUR LEAF
Go on...get outta here. I'm worm food,
you dig?
SPEEDMAN
DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!
(then totally surprised)
You have hands?
ON THE CHOPPER
The guys are busy shooting off their attackers, but they
see this moment happening...
BACK TO SPEEDMAN AND FOUR LEAF
The life is draining from Four Leaf (Marvin)...
FOUR LEAF
I ain't Four Leaf, Chris. We're in this
mess because of me.
SPEEDMAN
(can't get over it)
How did you get hands?
FOUR LEAF
I ain't never been worth a nothin'...and
it's too late to start bein' a somethin'
now.
Speedman tries to understand. He is welling up with
emotion.. .real emotion.
FOUR LEAF
(SINCERELY)
But you... you can tell the story. . .You
have to tell the real story...
And Four Leaf... or Marvin... dies.
Speedman begins to weep. Tears. Yes, he is crying, for
real...
AND WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL THIS PLAYING ON A GIANT VIDEO
SCREEN AT THE OSCARS...
Tropic Thunder 104.
Only... LAZARUS (CAUCASIAN AGAIN BUT LOOKING ALOT LIKE
FOUR LEAF) is now playing FOUR LEAF, (Or Marvin), dead in
Speedman's arms...
INT. ACADEMY AWARDS THEATER,
SPEEDMAN sits in.the audience, suirrounded-by his Tropic �i'4 1, I. 1 ,1M
-Thunder compatriots. Everyone watches with rapt
attention...
ON SCREEN
SPEEDMAN
Don't you die on me! Don't you...
And his weeping continues. He then looks up. to see:
20 GUERRILLAS RUNNING AT HIM, SHOOTING WILDLY...
MOVIE STAR STYLE, HE UNLEASHES A BARRAGE OF MACHINE GUN
FIRE, MOWING THEM DOWN,..
HE SLINGS FOUR LEAF/MARVIN OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND RUNS
FOR THE CHOPPER, STILL SHOOTING;..
HE GETS THERE WITH PORTNOY, REDYK AND SANDUSKY PULLING
HIM UP AND IN AS THEY TAKE OFF, LEAVING HELL BEHIND.
THE IMAGE FREEZES.
INT. ACADEMY AWARDS THEATER
The audience applauds wildly. HILARY SWANK opens the
envelope at the podium...
A
HILARY SWANK
And the Oscar goes to...Chris,Michael
Speedman as himself in ".PLAYING HOOKY
THE REAL TRUE STORY OF THE LIFE AND DEATH
OF FOUR LEAF TAYBACK AND THE MAN WHO
PRETENDED TO BE HIM".
The audience erupts in applause. Speedman gets up,
hugging Redyk, Portnoy, Sandusky. Even Cody is there...
As he gets near.the stage, KIRK LAZARUS (CAUCASIAN BUT
LOOKING LIKE HIS-ORIGINAL SELF), with his own Oscar in
hand, bear hugs him...
i-Tropic Thunder 105.
I" â–º
ANNOUNCER
This is Chris Michael Speedman's first
Oscar. He joins four time Oscar winner
Kirk Lazarus, tonight's Best Supporting
Actor winner for the role of Marvin
Kaminsky...
And we FREEZE on Speedman and Lazarus, grinning eat to
ear, arms' around each other, awards in hand...
WE FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK
After a few moments...
CUT TO:
EXT. FLAMING DRAGON COURTYARD -- DAY
Peck is tied up, in ragged, prisoner clothes, hanging in
the cage. He has been there a while.
PECK
Ok, look, you wanna go through this
again, let's do it. I see more for you
than this. This whole 'big fish in the
little scary jungle pond' thing. I see
you as a front man, as a leader, not just
of this little rebel guerilla warrior
group. I see it big picture. Is it music,
is it movies? Is it a series on Fox? I
don't know. But I do know it is not
happening with you staring at me doing my
"I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" routine
for you and the peanut gallery for
another six months. It's old school
already.
TRAN and some HENCHMEN watch, unamused. Tran nods, one of
the henchmen turns a handle which lowers the cage into
the water. After a moment, it comes back up with a
soaking Peck.
PECK
(not missing a beat)
And it makes me sad to see you chomping
on the stogie and you're not even
fourteen or whatever. I'm thinking "what
hole does that need to fill, that you
have to keep dipping me into the water to
somehow feel better about yourself?" I
can be a partner to you, not just a
captive.
(MORE)
Tropic Thunder
106.
PECK (cont'd)
But you have to allow me into your inner
workings, into your headspace to
facilitate that. And"to do that you gotta
let me outta the cage,'both figuratively
and literally. Until you can let me go, I
you.can't let you go. Do you get that?
He gets dunked in the water again.
PECK
Obviously not. Dare I bring up.a sore
subject. Can we do a little business on
the blackberry privileges? Cause you're
killing me here.
BLACK
THE END
|
