FUTURAMA
Episode 404
"LOVE AND ROCKET"
By
Dan Vebber
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: When You See The Robot, Drink!]
[Ship's Cockpit. Bender argues with the ship at a port that looks
like the ports HAL 9000 used in 2001: A Space Oddysey. The ship
speaks with a male voice.]
BENDER
You are one narrow minded spaceship
Planet Express Ship.
SHIP
Whoa whoa! Why should my tax money pay
for art I find offensive?
[Bender flips through a book titled Art & You and holds up a
page with a picture of a Horrible Gelatinous Blob.]
BENDER
Would you censor the Venus de Venus
just because you can see her spewers?
SHIP
Oh its filthy! Why not create a national
endowment for strip clubs while we're
at it?
BENDER
Why not indeed!
LEELA
Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm
going to come back there and change
your opinions manually!
BENDER
Fine! I'll be in my quarters appreciating
controversial artworks.
[He leaves. The door closes on him and cuts his head off. It
lands on the floor and rolls a little.]
SHIP (SARCASTICALLY)
Oops! Sorry!
[He chuckles.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.
Bender screws his head back on.]
BENDER
Ah that ship is so white bread!
[Enter Hermes and Farnsworth carrying several red boxes.]
HERMES
People! It's Valentines Day next week,
so your beloved company has gotten you
all new uniforms!
[Everyone opens their boxes and reacts well to the uniforms.]
AMY
Cool!
ZOIDBERG
Clothing, delicious clothing!
FARNSWORTH
We'll need to look our best if we're
to get the account of our new potential
customer Romanticorp!
AMY
Romanticorp? Are they a corporation
that makes romantic stuff?
HERMES
Very good Amy!
FARNSWORTH
Everyone suit up. We're off to the most
romantic city on Earth!
[Milwaukee. The ship flies in and lands in the Romanticorp factory.
The doors have lips painted on them and make kissy sounds when
they close.]
[Cut to: Romanticorp Factory Entrance.]
FARNSWORTH
Remember, we've got to show these people
we're not bitter husks of human beings
who long ago abandoned hope of finding
love in this lifetime. Leela you'll
have to do some acting.
LEELA
Check!
[Some doors open and a man and a woman, Sheldon and Gwen, walk
in.]
SHELDON
Welcome, aww I'm just so excited! I'm
Sheldon and this is my chief financial
officer Gwen.
GWEN
For 30 years we've shared the adventure
of managing Romanticorp.
SHELDON
Not to mention the adventure of marriage!
[They both laugh. Then they kiss again.]
LEELA
Oh you have got to be kidding! Ow!
Ow! I mean, aww thats so sweet! Ow!
I mean, (soppily) Aww dats show shweet!
[Farnsworth nods.]
[Romanticorp Factory Production Line. The crew and Sheldon and
Gwen are moving along a moving walkway.]
FARNSWORTH
You know, romance is an important part
of our work too, uh right everyone?
[The crew nod in agreement.]
SHELDON
Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?
AMY
I do! Kif's given me dozens! Is it true
what the ad says? That you kiss them
together out of blanket cloth and magic
buttons?
GWEN
No.
SHELDON
It's actually cheaper to genetically
engineer real ones. They frolic in
the Lovey Forest until their first birthday
then we choose the cuddliest ugliest
ones and stuff them full of fire retardant
love fluff!
[In the Lovey Forest, bears are picked up and put onto a conveyor
belt where they are delivered to the Bear "Hospital".]
AMY (UNSURE)
Oh cute!
[Romanticorp Factory Romance Acceleration Lab.]
GWEN
Knowing which pickup lines fizzle and
which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting
edge of flirtation technology.
[Two robot frames stand in front of a woman.]
FRAME #1
Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've
got nice cans!
[The woman is not impressed.]
FRAME #2
My two favourite things are commitment
and changing myself.
[The woman is lovestruck and hugs the frame.]
LEELA
Does that dummy have a brother?
[Romanticorp Factory Candy Hearts Production.]
SHELDON
And now friends and lovers we come to
the heart of our operation. Pun definately
intended!
[He and Gwen laugh. Leela sighs. Farnsworth threatens her with
the cattle prod. Hermes picks up a candy heart that says "Cutie
Pie."]
HERMES
Impressive!
GWEN
My family has been making these hearts
since the 1900's. Tastes may have changed
but our secret recipe sure hasn't.
[She points to a machine mixing Bone Meal and Earwig Honey. Fry
picks up a candy heart.]
FRY
Whoa! Letters like "U" and "R" can mean
words like "You" and "Are." Here Leela,
U-R-2 Cute!
LEELA
Perhaps. What's your point?
FRY
I've never been able to put into words
how I feel about you. But somewhere
among these trillions of hearts, those
words must already exist. And I'm gonna
find them.
[He dives into a barrel and rummages around. A Lovey Bear runs
around being chased by a hunter. The hunter shoots and misses.
Farnsworth zaps the Lovey Bear with the cattle prod and it falls
over. He turns to Sheldon and Gwen.]
FARNSWORTH
So, do we have the contract?
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is now back in the hangar and the crew
have changed back into their normal clothes.]
FARNSWORTH
With that big new Romanticorp contract,
I've been able to make those government
mandated upgrades you've all been suing
me about.
[The crew look around the cockpit.]
LEELA
Ooo look! You taped up the cracks in
the dark matter reactor!
FRY
And you got a cage for the lion!
[The cage is in the ceiling. The lion growls and swipes it's
paw at Fry. Bender turns the radio on.]
BENDER
Hey who's been messing with the radio?
This isn't alternative rock. It's college
rock!
FARNSWORTH
Oh it must have been the ship's new
improved personality software I installed.
SHIP
Yeah it was me. It's a cute song.
BENDER
Listen ship! No one changes my stations!
I hope you have a good mechanic!
[He rolls his sleeves up.]
FARNSWORTH
It even comes with an adjustable voice.
[He adjusts the voice. As the ship speaks its voice changes from
the smartarse male voice to a friendly female voice.]
SHIP
We each get one of the four buttons
remember Bender? That was the deal.
[She giggles.]
BENDER
Wha? Did you just say...?
SHIP
If you don't like the stations you could
just...play with my buttons 'til you
find something we both enjoy. Oh gosh!
That came out all wrong!
BENDER
Too late baby, you said it! So what'll
it be? My place? Or you?
[Time Lapse. The crew are now in uniform and are cruising through
space. Fry enters with a barrel of candy hearts.]
FRY
Before we deliver these hearts, I'm
gonna find the one that sums up my feelings
for you! "I Love You." Hmm, too conventional.
"You're My Man." Ooo so close!
LEELA
I'm not impressed by a guy's message
Fry. I'm impressed by the guy. Or not.
[The ship shakes violently. Fry falls over.]
FRY
Whoa!
LEELA
What was that?
FRY
Maybe we hit a space cow.
[Cut to: Ship's Engine Room. Bender is tickling a control panel.]
BENDER
Coochie coochie!
SHIP (GIGGLING)
Stop it! You're mussing up my trajectory!
BENDER
You know you love it sugar-engine!
[He presses some buttons.]
SHIP (GIGGLING)
No!
[She laughs. Enter Fry and Leela.]
LEELA
Bender! What's going on in here? Planet
Express Ship! Cover your shame!
[Ship closes the control panel.]
SHIP
It's not what it looks like. Bender
was just helping me...zip up my turbine.
FRY
Wow Bender. Are you and the ship an
item? I mean I know you're both items
but...how can you date a ship anyway?
It'd be like me dating a really fat
lady. And living inside her. And she'd
be all like...
[He impersonates a ship.]
BENDER
Fry, in order for me to get busy at
maximum efficiency, I need a girl with
a big 400 ton booty!
[He taps the wall.]
LEELA
Bender, dating your co-worker and primary
mode of transportation is immoral, illogical
and a violation of interstellar shipping
statute 437-B.
BENDER
That's what makes it so nasty!
[He strokes the control panel. Ship giggles. He giggles and rubs
himself up the wall.]
LEELA
Still, given the chance, I've given
to urges far more shocking.
[Bender starts rubbing a girder.]
[Musical Scene. Bender sings A Bicycle Made For Two while he
dates the ship. First he sits on one of the tail fins with a
picnic set up. The sheet blows in the breeze of space.]
BENDER (SINGING)
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.
I'm half crazy all for the love of
you. It won't be a stylish marriage......I
can't afford a carriage. But you'll
look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle
built for two.
[On the hangar roof Bender and Ship dance under the moonlight.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela reads a newspaper while
Fry is still searching for the perfect candy heart.]
BENDER
Well, I'm sick of her.
FRY
The ship? But you just started dating.
BENDER
With my mighty robot powers I can get
sick of things much quicker than you
humans.
LEELA
Well just remember we all still have
to work together. So try and let her
down easy.
BENDER
In due time Leela. But for now I'll
just resume dating cheap floozies on
the side.
FRY
You have much to teach us.
LEELA
Ugh. Doesn't it bother you even a little
to be taking advantage of your girlfriend's
trust?
[Bender laughs.]
BENDER
Oh wait you're serious. Let me laugh
even harder.
[He laughs even harder.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender sits with two Fembots. They giggle.]
FEMBOT #1
What's it like being a lawyer for the
Mayor's office? And also the world's
strongest millionaire?
BENDER
Well baby, for starters you gotta be
honest all the time!
[Enter Elzar.]
ELZAR
Good evening Bender! And to your lady
friends may I say - Bam!
[The Fembots giggle.]
FEMBOT #2
You know Elzar?
[Through a window Ship watches Bender and the Fembots.]
[Cut to: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Ship sighs.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. In Fry's
room the windowbell ding dongs and awakens Fry. He opens the
window. It is Ship.]
FRY
Planet Express Ship? Is that you?
SHIP
Oh. Hi Fry. Is Bender home?
FRY
Uh, um no. I think he's at his parent's.
SHIP
Oh I see. He didn't fly there in another
spaceship did he?
FRY
Bender? No! He's an old fashioned one
spaceship robot. Look I'll tell him
you stopped by OK?
SHIP
OK.
[Fry closes the window and walks back to his bed. Almost immediately
the windowbell goes off again. He walks over and opens the window.
Ship is still there.]
SHIP
Oh. Hi Fry. Is he home now?
[Central Park Zoo. Bender and the ship stroll around.]
SHIP
Of all the zoos we've been to today,
I like this one the best. Bender, which
is your favourite nocturnal rat?
BENDER
Eh, they're all pretty unimpressive.
[The ship swoops off in another direction.]
SHIP
Oh honey look! The Tapirs! It says
here that the babies lose their pyjama
like coat after their first year. Isn't
that interesting honey?
BENDER
Yup. Mind numbingly interesting. Ooh!
[He spies a Fembot and zooms in on her.]
SHIP
Bender!! Are you looking at other women?
BENDER
No baby never!
[He turns around. His eyes are fully zoomed.]
SHIP (CRYING)
Bender! Don't lie! I saw you at Elzar's
with those two ladys of the evening.
Explain that!
BENDER
OK, I like a challenge. Aah! I got
it! I'm going to be completely honest
with you Planet Express ship. Those
women you saw me with...were my accountants!
SHIP
Your accountants? Oh I would dearly
love to believe that were true. So I
do.
BENDER
Phew!
SHIP
I'm going to go home and get dinner
started.
[She zooms off. Bender's chest cabinet opens. Lucy Liu's head
in a jar is still there.]
LIU
Who are you talking to?
BENDER
No one baby! Lucy Liu is the only girl
for Bender!
LIU
I love you -
[He slams the door on her.]
[Ship's Cockpit. Leela is steering the ship through an asteroid
belt and is back in her new uniform. Ship sighs.]
LEELA
Planet Express Ship is something wrong?
SHIP
Oh it's Bender. He's acting so strange
lately. Do you think he's going to
ask me to marry him?
LEELA
Uh, no.
SHIP
Oh-oh, someone knows something she's
not telling!
[Leela sighs.]
LEELA
Uh look, I'm not saying Bender's not
great but have you ever considered that
maybe he's...y'know...not that great?
[Ship scoffs.]
SHIP
You're just jealous! No one loves you
because you're tiny and made of meat!
[An asteroid suddenly hits Ship's windscreen.]
LEELA
Could you maybe pay a little more attention
to these asteroids?
SHIP
Sorry Captain Leela. I guess I'm just
having one of those...manic Mondays!
[She laughs insanely. Leela laughs unsurely and then grins unsurely.]
[Ship flies towards Omicron Persei 8 (246/7 Days Without Invading
Earth) and lands outside a huge castle, home of the planets'
rulers, Lrrr and Nd-Nd.
[Cut to: Omicronian Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd watch TV.]
LRRR
This is ancient Earth's most foolish
program. Why does Ross, the largest
Friend, not simply eat the other five?
ND-ND
Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
[Enter a guard.]
GUARD
Exaulted leaders, the Earth messengers
have arrived bearing a peace offering
from their weak and fearful government.
LRRR
Oh very well. This is a Joey heavy episode
anyway.
[He turns the TV off. Enter Leela, Fry and Bender with the barrels
of candy hearts.]
LRRR
I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei
8.
[A picture slips from the wall. He puts it back. Leela reads
from a piece of paper.]
LEELA (READING)
Esteemed potentates of Omicron Persei
8, please accept these 20 billion candy
hearts as proof that Earth loves you.
Thiiis much!
[She holds her arms out wide. Lrrr and Nd-Nd taste the candy
hearts. They immediately spit them out.]
LRRR
Bleurgh! These candies are choccy and
unpleasant!
ND-ND
And what is this emotion you humans
call "wuv"?
LRRR
Surely it says "love"?
ND-ND
No, "wuv." With an Earth "w." Behold!
LRRR (SHOUTING)
This concept of wuv confuses and infuriates
us!
[Guards surround the crew, guns at the ready.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The ship and crew have taken off and
are pursued by Omicronian saucers.]
FRY
Incoming torpedoes. Shields at maximum
yarnell.
LEELA
Steady, Planet Express Ship. Focus on
diverting all power to the scramjets.
BENDER
Uh look, Planet Express Ship, this might
not be the best time...but...well...I
really like you and whatever but...I
think we should just be friends.
SHIP (SCREAMING)
Nooo!
[Cut to: Outside Ship. She jerks to a stop.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
BENDER
So we're cool?
[The Omicronian torpedoes hit the ship and explode.]
[Time Lapse: The ship is tumbling through space with black scars
on the hull. Ship is crying. Leela prints a readout from a machine
and looks at it.]
LEELA
Well, it was a spectacular battle but
there doesn't seem to be any permanent
damage.
SHIP (CRYING)
No damage? What about my feelings?
LEELA
Aww, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking
this just as hard as you are.
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. They are both lying in their
hammocks.]
BENDER (SINGING)
Bender is great oh Bender is great.
Bender Bender Bender!
FRY
You couldn't have picked a better time
to dump the ship Bender!
BENDER
Eh, the moment seemed right. Call me
old fashioned but I like a dump to be
as memorable as it is devastating.
[Ship's Cockpit. It is nighttime ship's time. Ship is still crying.
Leela is wearing her pyjamas and is sat in her chair facing Ship's
port. She starts eating another tub of ice cream.]
LEELA
I know, I know. Look Ship, if there's
one thing I learnt from my mutual breakup
with Sean that was totally mutual its
that happiness can only come from within
you.
SHIP (CRYING)
But Bender is within me! There must
be some way to make him love me again.
LEELA
Trust me. You can't change men anymore
than you can change the laws of time
and space.
SHIP
That's so true. I may not be able to
change the laws of time and space, but
I know something that can.
[Leela turns around and looks through the windscreen. She gasps.
The ship is heading straight towards a huge quasar. She wrestles
with the controls but they won't move.]
LEELA (UNSURE)
Uh sweetie? You see that giant quasar
we're heading into? You might wanna
scooch a few parsecs to the left.
[Ship, the movie buff, resonds calmly.]
SHIP
I'm afraid I can't do that Leela.
[Enter Fry and Bender.]
FRY
What's happening? Space cow?
LEELA
The ship's just taking the breakup a
little hard. (whispering to Fry) She's
nuts!
SHIP
In a few moments the power of 10 million
black holes will smush me and Bender
together into a beautiful enternal quantum
singularity.
[The crew scream.]
BENDER
Uh you don't need to kill us Planet
Express ship...because...I love you!
Uh yeah baby! I feel like doing stuff.
SHIP
Hmm. I don't believe you. If you really
wanted to be with me you'd merge your
program with mine.
BENDER
Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down! All of my
friends that have done that said that
afterwards all the passion went out
of their relationship.
LEELA
Look, I don't know if you want my opinion
-
SHIP
Leela. Bender and I really need to be
alone. So, I'm turning off the oxygen.
[The oxygen goes off and Leela and Fry start to suffocate. They
grab some oxygen tanks and put them on.]
LEELA
Now look missy! If you don't trun around
now I'm going to have to shut down your
brain!
SHIP
Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela.
[A fire hose comes down from the ceiling and hits Leela with
a jet of water.]
FRY
Ha! That barely hurt Leela at all!
SHIP
Maybe not. But what if the artificial
gravity were to malfunction?
[The gravity goes off and Fry, Leela and Bender float towards
the ceiling. The candy hearts float upwards and out of the barrels.
Bender screams.]
BENDER
Float for your lives!
[They all swim through the door.]
[Ship's Bathroom. The crew get into the shower and Leela closes
the door.]
[Cut to: Shower.]
LEELA
This is the one place she can't hear
us. Everyone just pretend to shower.
FRY
Same as everyday, got it.
LEELA
Now here's the plan.
[Cut to: Ship's Bathroom. Ship has another port in the bathroom.
She tries to listen to the plan but can't hear through the soundproof
shower glass. All she sees is Leela's lips moving.]
SHIP
Oh, if only I could read lips!
[Cut to: Shower.]
LEELA
Comprendez Bender? You'll have to distract
her. Merge your program with hers while
I shut down her brain.
BENDER
It's too risky. I'm a very meek individual.
If her personality engulfs mine, the
Bender you know and worship could disappear
forever!
[Leela doesn't take long to think about the situation.]
LEELA
I'm willing to take that risk.
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship gets closer to the quasar. Bender floats
in. There are candy hearts everywhere.]
BENDER
Hey pookums! Contrary to what I was
saying earlier, melding minds with you
would be extremely bearable.
[Ship gasps.]
SHIP
You really mean it?
BENDER
Uh......yes!
[He pulls out a wire from inside the control panel and connects
himself via a modem.]
[Ship's Mind. The Tron-esque environment looks sort of like a
motherboard. Bender looks around in a panic. Ship is a little
smaller and she has eyes and is wearing lipstick.]
BENDER
Huh? Tubes? You're older than you said
you were!
SHIP
Come closer Bender. Lets become one!
BENDER
I prefer two. That way we can still
be a horse for Hallowe'en.
[Ship moves closer to Bender. He backs away.]
[Ship's Brain Room. Fry and Leela float in. There are candy hearts
floating around. Leela waves her hand across one of Ship's ports.
No reaction.]
LEELA
OK, Bender has her distracted. Now I
can shut down her brain by deactivating
the carbonated logic matrix. Ugh. I
can't concentrate with this obnoxious
candy in my face.
FRY
I'm on it. And maybe I'll find those
magic words while I'm at it.
LEELA
Fat chance.
FRY
Eh. Blech! Eurgh! Ooo how 'bout this
one?
LEELA
Give it up Fry! I've got to pop these
tops in a precise order.
[She pops another one. Fry sadly eats another heart.]
[Time Lapse.]
LEELA
Halfway there. The ship should be getting
a little less rational now.
[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship is chasing Bender making irrational
noises.]
SHIP
Want...to...engulf...Bender!
[She cackles and grows fangs.]
[Cut to: Ship's Brain Room.]
LEELA
Only a few more. Hey! I won free admission
to Six Flags! Just one more reason we
must survive this.
[Fry is about to eat another heart but notices Leela's oxygen
gauge. The needle points at critical.]
FRY
Um, Leela?
LEELA
Fry! I'll read your candy later! When
we're not dead! What was that?
FRY (SUFFOCATING)
Oh nothing.
[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship is still chasing Bender. He comes
to a dead end on the motherboard.]
SHIP
We're gonna love being each other you
sexy ion!
BENDER (SCREAMING)
Nooo!
[She moves towards him.]
[Cut to: Ship's Brain Room.]
LEELA
Last one! It worked! Gravity normal,
air returning, terror replaced by cautious
optimism! We did it Fry! Fry? You
gave me your oxygen? Oh no! Breathe
Fry breathe! You leave me breathless!
Happy Valentine's Day Fry!
FRY (GASPING)
Happy Valentine's day.
[Ship's Cockpit. Bender has separated from the ship. He wakes
up. Enter Fry and Leela.]
FRY
Bender! Are you OK?
BENDER
Aw. What crazy thing am I going to date
next?
LEELA
Well at least it sounds like you were
able to keep your conciousness seperate
from hers.
BENDER
Of course! Bender is a lone wolf. A
solitary eagle. A cuddly baby Tapir!
And that's why I love 'em!
[He walks out.]
FRY
Well I guess we'd better clean up these
millions of hearts.
LEELA
Nah, I've got a lazier idea.
[The ship's cargo bay doors open and the candy hearts float out
and into the quasar.]
[As he speaks shots of couples on Earth come and go. Horrible
Gelatinous Blobs, mutants, Amy and Kif and Fry and Leela (joined
by Zoidberg).]
THE END
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