FUTURAMA
Episode 218
"THE PROBLEM WITH POPPLERS"
By
Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear in an oval.]
ANNOUNCER
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by......Molten Boron!
JINGLE
(singing) Nobody doesn't like Molten
Boron!
[Opening Credits. Caption: For External Use Only.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The Planet Express ship flies away from a dark
brown world surrounded by green clouds. Fry and Leela talk.]
FRY
I hate the Planet of the Moochers. They
take you out for a drink, but when the
check comes, their wallet's always in
their other pants - which they borrowed
from me!
[He is indeed only wearing his underwear on his lower half. Bender
climbs up the ladder from the galley wearing his chef's hat and
an apron which says "Heil To The Chef".]
LEELA
Dinner ready?
BENDER
Nah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out
our pantry. All they left was baking
soda and capers. And here it is!
[He holds up a plate piled high with the stuff.]
FRY
Ugh!
LEELA
Ugh! Great. We're two days from Earth
with no food.
BENDER
Problem solved: You two fight to the
death and I'll cook the loser. (whispering
to Leela) Work his gut; I like it tender.
FRY
Maybe that planet over there has a
drive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy
Joe's or a Chizzler or something.
BENDER
Ah, don't get your hopes up. We're a
billion miles from nowhere.
LEELA
Yeah. It's probably only got a Howard
Johnson's.
[Planet Surface. The ship flies over the planet's lush forests
which are covered by an orange-brown haze. It lands in a clearing.]
[Time Lapse. Leela scans the area. Fry walks off into the woods.]
LEELA
Well, it's a type-M planet, so it should
at least have Roddenberries.
FRY
I'm experienced at foraging. I used
to find edible mushrooms on my bath
mat.
[Bender arrives with a sack over his shoulder.]
BENDER
I found some rocks. You guys eat rocks,
right?
LEELA
No.
BENDER
(tempting) Not even if they're sautéed
in a little mud?
[He bounces a bucket of mud up and down. Fry pushes some leaves
apart.]
FRY
Here's something. It looks like a ditch
full of fried shrimp.
BENDER
What are you, blind? It looks more like
a hole full of fried prawns.
[Leela picks it up and scans it with her armband. It makes a
noise like a truck.]
LEELA
Hm. This thing I wear on my wrist says
they're not poisonous.
[She puts it in her mouth and starts chewing.]
FRY
Well? How are they? Oh, they're great!
They're like sex! Except I'm having
them!
[Bender sniffs one.]
BENDER
You know what these would go great with?
Rocks.
FRY
Look! Here's more!
BENDER
The planet's covered with 'em.
FRY
Let's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.
BENDER
No, a whole Bender-ful!
[He opens his chest door and starts filling his cabinet.]
LEELA
No. Only what we need. Stuff the ship.
[Outside Planet Express. The ships comes in ready to land. There
is a crate strapped to the roof. The hangar roof opens.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Hermes stands at a control panel
wearing earphones and a mic.]
HERMES
Planet Express ship, you are cleared
to land.
LEELA
Roger!
[The ship lands.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The whole crew are gathered around the
table eating the things.]
HERMES
Oh, man, I'm inhaling these things!
You guys scored some primo stuff here.
[Zoidberg eats some.]
ZOIDBERG
They're tastier than an unguarded penguin
nest. What do you call them?
LEELA
We haven't thought of a name yet.
BENDER
They're tasty, right? Let's call 'em
"Tasty-cles".
[Hermes gasps.]
AMY
Ew!
ZOIDBERG
No!
LEELA
We can't call them that.
BENDER
Why not?
LEELA
It sounds too much like those frozen
rocky mountain oysters on a stick. You
know, Test-cicles?
[Hermes types something on a computer.]
HERMES
According to government records, the
only names not yet trademarked are "Popplers"
and "Zittzers".
FRY
I know, we'll call them Popplers!
BENDER
Good idea.
ZOIDBERG
Oh, yeah, why not?
AMY
You sure picked it.
FRY
Swish!
[Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]
ZOIDBERG
Call them what you want. I call them
a free meal.
[Bender grabs his claw.]
BENDER
Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Sigmund.
I can't stand idly by while poor people
get free food. We gotta sell these things!
FRY
Hey, yeah.
LEELA
Good idea.
BENDER
Bender's a genius.
[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender have set up a hover-cart
selling fresh Popplers. They sell a bag to a guy and Fry holds
some cash.]
FRY
Hey, business is great.
BENDER
Ah, great is OK, but amazing would be
great.
[They look across the street and see a queue forming at a hot
dog stand.]
VENDOR
Please, don't push, there's hot dogs
for everyone.
[Bender grumbles and crosses the road. The vendor hands a man
a hot dog.]
BENDER
Hey, Mac, where do you want those rat
droppings you ordered?
[The man throws his hot dog down and the people in the queue
cross the road to the popplers stand.]
WOMAN
That's disgusting.
VENDOR
Wait a minute. You're not the guy who
delivers the rat droppings.
[Bender chuckles and walks back across the road. A short man
with stubble is talking to Fry.]
MAN
What are you selling? Popplers? Never
heard of 'em.
BENDER
Eat it or beat it.
[Fry hands the man a bag and he eats some.]
MAN
Mmm, these are great. Boys, this is
your lucky day. I'm Joe Gillman.
[He points at a Fishy Joe's sign where he is dressed as a pirate
and eating a sandwich with an entire fish in it.]
FRY
Wow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy
Joe's?
GILLMAN
Hell, no. I am Fishy Joe! I've got a
fast-food franchise on every planet
in the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.
BENDER
Hey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write
you about your in-store kiddie parks.
The slides won't support an adult robot.
GILLMAN
Good point, not interested. But these
Popplers, these are great. How much
you sell 'em for?
FRY
A dollar a dozen.
GILLMAN
You'll never make money that way. You
supply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for
two bucks a dozen at my restaurants.
I'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.
BENDER
Yes! I'm gonna be rich. You too but
it's hard to get excited about that.
FRY
How do we sign?
[Montage Scene. The Popplers popularity starts to grow. An Over
X Popplers Served sign is placed outside Fishy Joe's. It turns
to one. Fry and Bender record an advertising jingle.]
FRY AND BENDER
(singing) Pop a Poppler in your mouth
When you come to Fishy Joe's
What they're made of is a mystery
Where they come from no-one knows
You can pick 'em
You can lick 'em
You can chew 'em
You can stick 'em
If you promise not to sue us
You can shove one up your nose.
[In space, Bender paints "Poppler" on the ships tail and scrubs
out "Planet", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through
space carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign turns over
to over one million sold. People buy Popplers from tube-thru
window. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]
ZOIDBERG
I can't pay.
[Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]
WOMAN
Move it, man. Come on!
[The ship flies out into space and comes back to Earth with a
U-Yank trailer. It flies over the city and crashes into a billboard
which says "Fishy Joe's. Over 3.8 x 10^10 Popplers Served".]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
FRY
Leela! That's the second billboard you've
crashed into this week!
LEELA
Sorry. I was distracted by those protesters
outside our building.
[Outside Planet Express. The ship and U-Yank trailer land inside
while a crowd of hippies congregate outside with placards saying
"Stopp Before You Popp", "Eating Is Murder" and "Popplers Are
Peoplers Too!"]
HIPPIE #1
Disgusting!
HIPPIE #2
You should be ashamed!
[Farnsworth leans out of the lounge window.]
FARNSWORTH
(shouting) Hey! Unless this is a nude
love-in, get the hell off my property!
[The leader, a guy called Free Waterfall Jr., laughs.]
WATERFALL JR.
You can't own property, man!
FARNSWORTH
I can, but that's because I'm not a
penniless hippie.
[Leela, Fry and Bender arrive at the window.]
LEELA
(shouting) What do you people want?
WATERFALL JR.
(shouting) We're with Mankind for Ethical
Animal Treatment. Popplers are living
creatures. You gotta stop harvesting
them for food!
BENDER
(shouting) Or what?
WATERFALL JR.
(shouting) Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.
LEELA
You're vegetarians, who cares what you
do?
WATERFALL JR.
Shut up.
LEELA
Animals eat other animals. It's nature.
WATERFALL JR.
No, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat
tofu. The point is, you shouldn't eat
things that feel pain.
[Bender throws a brick at him and he clutches his head.]
BENDER
(shouting) OK, we won't eat you.
LEELA
I'll go get some more bricks.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks over to the table
and picks up some Fishy Joe's buckets.]
LEELA
Fry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old
Popplers. They're getting big and scaly.
Ooh, there's one left.
[She picks it up. It uncurls itself. It has eyes and a mouth.]
POPPLER
Mama!
[Leela gasps and lets go of it. It lands in some honey mustard
sauce, laughs, and swims around in it. She clasps her hands to
her mouth and licks her fingers.]
[Time Lapse. Leela runs into the lounge later where the rest
of the crew are eating Popplers.]
LEELA
Stop! Stop eating Popplers!
[She throws Fry's, Zoidberg's and Farnsworth's buckets off the
table and smacks them out of Hermes' and Amy's hands.]
AMY
Why?
[Leela smashes Bender's beer.]
BENDER
My booze!
LEELA
Popplers are intelligent. This one called
me mama.
[She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]
ZOIDBERG
Congratulations. I assume Amy is the
father.
BENDER
Popplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating
from not eating enough Popplers. Here,
eat some now.
[He picks up a bucket. Leela turns away.]
LEELA
No!
[Bender squeezes her mouth open and tips some Popplers into her
mouth.]
BENDER
I said "eat"! Come on, mange!
[Leela throws the bucket into a bin, gasps and runs over to it.]
LEELA
Sorry, babies.
[She puts it on the table.]
AMY
Leela, maybe you should lie down.
ZOIDBERG
Yes, listen to the father.
LEELA
I'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come
on, little Poppler, say "mama".
[She tickles it. Fry tuts and leans back in his chair.]
FRY
Look, Leela, even if you heard one talk,
that doesn't mean it's intelligent.
I mean, parrots talk and we eat them,
right?
BENDER
Yeah. Maybe it just learned to talk
as a parlour trick. Like Fry.
FRY
Like Fry! Like Fry!
FARNSWORTH
There's one way, and only one way, to
determine if an animal is intelligent.
Dissect its brain!
[The Poppler reaches out to Leela.]
POPPLER
No, mama. Stop grandpa!
[Everyone but Farnsworth, who is sharpening a knife, gasps.]
FARNSWORTH
Enough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!
[Fishy Joe's. Diners fill up on Popplers.]
MAN
Mmm, good.
WOMAN
Give me some of that special sauce.
[A Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats some Popplers and the fat guy
from the Titanic reaches inside him and takes a Poppler. The
Horrible Gelatinous Blob growls, grabs the man and eats him.]
[Cut to: Outside Fishy Joe's. Leela wears a "Free The Popplers!"
sign.]
LEELA
(shouting) Stop eating Popplers! They
can talk!
[A man dressed as a Poppler and holding a tray of free samples
walks up behind her.]
MAN
(shouting) Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!
[A man takes a Poppler and eats it.]
LEELA
Hey, cut it out!
MAN
(shouting) Take a coupon, cut it out!
Ow! Ow!
[He falls over and some dogs eat the Popplers on the floor.]
[Time Lapse. Fry handcuffs himself to the Fishy Joe's door.]
FRY
People, I won't let you enter. Popplers
are as intelligent as you or me.
[A smartly-dressed man pushes him aside.]
SMARTLY-DRESSED MAN
You maybe!
[The door Fry cuffed himself to is a revolving door. The door
drags him around and around.]
[Time Lapse. Bender rings his head like a town crier's bell.]
BENDER
Hear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers!
Stop eating them with honey mustard
sauce......stop eating them with tangy
sweet and sour sauce. Stop eating the
new fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking
advantage of the money-saving 12-pack.
Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio,
in the car, or on the boat. Wherever
good times are had! Ow!
[The bomb opens a little flag that says "Please Don't Eat Popplers"
comes out.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Everyone except Leela sits around the
TV to watch Datenight, presented by Linda.]
LINDA
Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating
them. Is it alright to? We have with
us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy"
Joseph Gillman......Noted anti-eating
activist, Free Waterfall Jr......And
the discoverer of Popplers, Captain
Turanga Leela.
[Leela appears on the screen.]
FRY
Turanga?
AMY
That's her name, Philip.
BENDER
Philip?
LINDA
Fishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent
animals?
GILLMAN
Absolutely not, Linda. I don't think
anyone's here to make that claim.
LEELA
I am.
WATERFALL JR.
Me too.
GILLMAN
Listen...
WATERFALL JR.
Shut up...
GILLMAN
...we're talking about a snack...
WATERFALL JR.
...shut up...
GILLMAN
...that's low in fat...
WATERFALL JR.
...shut up.
GILLMAN
...and high in profit.
WATERFALL JR.
You're crazy, man. He is crazy.
GILLMAN
There's not even any strong evidence
that these Popplers are intelligent.
WATERFALL JR.
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut
up...
LEELA
That's not true. I have one right here
that can talk.
WATERFALL JR.
...shut up...
LEELA
Come on, say "mama".
POPPLER
Ca-ca!
LINDA
OK, we'll have to bleep that.
LEELA
Look, I'm saying eating meat is wrong...
WATERFALL JR.
Shut up.
LEELA
I don't think anyone's here to make
that claim.
WATERFALL JR.
I am.
LEELA
But eating an intelligent animal is
different.
WATERFALL JR.
Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut
up...
GILLMAN
Oh, don't force your tired philosophy
on us. I mean, the only reason we don't
eat people is because it tastes lousy.
WATERFALL JR.
You're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk.
LINDA
You shut up, please.
WATERFALL JR.
No, you shut up, please.
GILLMAN
Popplers are no smarter than any other
animal I've served. And that includes
cats.
[Another rectangle forces itself in behind Linda. The Poppler
is in it.]
POPPLER
Ca-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head.
GILLMAN
Sir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed
creatures are so smart, why don't they
defend themselves, eh?
[He grabs a bucket of Popplers and starts eating.]
LEELA
Stop it!
WATERFALL JR.
I call murder on that.
GILLMAN
Look, I'm willing to grant that it's
murder. The real issue is: Who's gonna
stop me?
[He laughs. There is a crash and the studio starts shaking.]
[Cut to: New New York City Street. Shadows creep over buildings
and nine Omicronian saucers descend from the sky.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]
LINDA
We seem to be experiencing technical
difficulties. And, crap like I've never
seen!
[The screen cuts to static and then to Lrrr, standing behind
his old-fashioned microphone.]
LRRR
People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet
Omicron Persei 8. Turn down that TV,
Nd-Nd.
FARNSWORTH
Dear Lord, they're back!
AMY
We're doomed!
HERMES
Dooomed!
[Bender takes a breath.]
BENDER
Doooo...!
LRRR
Now then, the creatures you call "Popplers"
come from a nursery planet in our sector
[Nd-Nd grabs the mic.]
ND-ND
You monsters have been eating our babies!
[Cut to: Datenight Studio. Leela, Waterfall and Gillman watch
the Omicronians on a TV.]
LEELA
Eck!
[Gillman spits out half a Poppler and puts the mush on the other
half he is holding.]
ND-ND
We demand justice. As you ate our children,
so shall you be eaten by us!
LRRR
We will begin with the firemen, then
the math teachers, and so on in that
fashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission
over! Well, that went OK. I tell you,
when you know you can't scratch, that's
when you really have to, huh? Oh, yeah,
oh, that feels a lot better. What? It's
still on?
[He growls and the TV cuts to static.]
[DOOP Headquaters: Secret Conference Room. Outside, a sign has
been change from "Democratic Order Of Planets United Against
The Omicronian Menace" to "Democratic Order Of Planets Welcomes
The Omicronian Menace". In the small room, Zapp Brannigan sits
across a table from Lrrr and Nd-Nd. Omicronians and Kif stand
behind them.]
ZAPP
As chief negotiator, I speak for all
of Earth when I mourn the regrettable
loss of the Omicronian young. We share
your pain. Mmm. If we could undo the
damage... These would be great with
quack-a-mole.
LRRR
(shouting) Stop eating our young! And
it's pronounced guacamole!
ZAPP
Alright, I'm putting them away. Now,
uh, what is it you want?
LRRR
We demand - We demand to eat one human
for each Omicronian that was eaten.
[Zapp cleans his teeth with a toothpick.]
ZAPP
Fair enough. How many is that?
[Kif taps him on the shoulder.]
KIF
198 billion, sir.
LRRR
Very well. You will provide us with
198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
ND-ND
Lrrr!
LRRR
Oh, alright, cottage cheese!
KIF
Sir? (whispering) There aren't that
many human beings.
ZAPP
A though occurs: There aren't that many
humans.
LRRR
We're willing to wait a few weeks while
you shore up the numbers.
ZAPP
Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks.
We'll need an army of super-virile men
scoring 'round the clock! I'll do my
part. Kif, clear my schedule.
[Kif takes out an Etch-A-Sketch and shakes it.]
[DOOP Headquarters: Main Room. Hundreds of people sit waiting
for the negotiations to end. Fry is slumped in a chair.]
FRY
I wish they'd just wipe out humanity
and get it over with. It's the waiting
I can't stand.
LEELA
That's stupid.
[The door to the secret conference room opens. Zapp, Kif, Lrrr
and Nd-Nd walk out. Everyone cheers and Zapp waves.]
ZAPP
My fellow Earthlings, we have reached
an agreement. Using the twin guns of
grace and tact, I blasted our worthless
enemies with a fair compromise. They
will not eat everyone on Earth.
LRRR
I filled up on nuts at the negotiation.
[Nd-Nd shakes her head.]
ZAPP
Instead, they will eat only a single
human of their choice.
LRRR
We choose to eat the first Earthling
who ate our offspring. Here is the
culprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam
satellite. She must be sacrificed,
but the rest of you shall be spared.
[Everyone cheers, except Leela, who boos.]
[Madison Cube Garden. The sign outside reads "Slurm Concert Series
Present: An Evening With A Human-Eating Monster". Inside, the
crowds murmur. There a is a stage in the middle of the room with
a table and chairs on it. Linda presents the TV coverage from
a commentary box.]
LINDA
Tonight, the world watches in horror
as an earthling is eaten alive on network
television. This grim scene of unimaginable
carnage is brought to you - by Fishy
Joe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice!
100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the
walrus!
[A spotlight shines onto a door on the stage.]
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!
[The door opens. Lrrr, Nd-Nd and some other Omicronians walk
out, waving. Nd-Nd sits at the table and the other Omicronians
sit down behind her. Lrrr stands at a mic.]
LRRR
Greetings, Earth morsels.
[The crowd boos.]
MAN
(shouting) You suck!
LRRR
Get a job!
[Backstage, Bender peeps through the curtain and then turns around.]
BENDER
I'll miss you, Leela. I know you're
just a carbon-based life form but I'll
always think of you as a big pile of
titanium.
[He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]
FRY
What Bender means is, you're really
brave, and smart, and beautiful, and
a great friend.
BENDER
(crying) Just like titanium!
[He cries into Fry's lap.]
LEELA
This is all a big load. I was the one
trying to save the Popplers. You were
sucking them down like the fat hog you
are and you were stepping on them for
fun. You both should be in here instead
of me.
BENDER
(whispering to Fry) Someone's acting
awfully aluminum.
[Enter Zapp.]
ZAPP
Leela, my sweet, I've come to save you.
I have a devious plan!
LEELA
Oh, great, Captain Moron has a plan.
Why don't you tell it to Wingus and
Dingus here?
[Zapp turns to Fry and Bender.]
ZAPP
Wingus? Dingus? Listen up. We're gonna
give the aliens the old switcheroo!
FRY
You mean -
ZAPP
Correct. I found a giant hideous ape
that looks exactly like Leela.
[Kif wheels in a cage holding an orang-utan that is wearing a
white tank top, black trousers and boots like Leela's.]
LEELA
It doesn't look anything like me. The
hair is all wrong.
ZAPP
Don't worry. Kif is an expert stylist,
as you can plainly see. Mmm!
[Kif groans and walks into the cage. He puts a sheet around the
orang-utan, squirts some shampoo onto its head and starts rubbing
it in.]
LEELA
You know, this might actually work.
The Omicronians seem to have trouble
telling one person from another.
ZAPP
True. At the negotiations, they thought
Kif here was the statesman and I was
a jabbering mental patient. Isn't that
right, Kif?
KIF
Please, I'm creating. Voila!
[The orang-utan grabs a banana, eats it and scratches itself.]
BENDER
Bingo!
FRY
That's Leela!
ZAPP
I'm seeing double!
[On the other side of the curtain, Lrrr sits at a table.]
LRRR
I grow hungry! Bring on the one called
"Leela".
[A waiter fills his wine glass.]
WAITER
That comes with salad or soup.
LRRR
Uh, salad.
WAITER
Ranch or vinaigrette?
LRRR
Vinaigrette!
WAITER
Balsamic or raspberry?
[Lrrr picks up a laser from under the table and vapourises the
waiter. Zapp pulls on the cage with the Leela-ape inside. Nd-Nd
takes it out and puts it on the table. The crowd sees and murmurs.]
WOMAN #1
(murmuring) What's going on here? It's
very strange.
[Zapp whispers into the microphone.]
ZAPP
(whispering) People of Earth: Shh!
WOMAN #1
(murmuring) Oh, I get it.
WOMAN #2
(murmuring) I understand.
[Lrrr looks back and forth between a photo of Leela and the orang-utan.
They are both sat in the same pose.]
LRRR
Hmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I
recognise her slumping posture and hairy
knuckles.
[Leela is taken aback and looks at her own knuckles. Lrrr puts
a lot of salt on the orang-utan.]
ND-ND
(sarcastic) Would you like some human
with your salt?
[Lrrr picks up the orang-utan and opens his mouth.]
LINDA
This is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's
ploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought
to you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.
[Lrrr is about to eat the orang-utan when some idiot shouts from
the crowd.]
WATERFALL JR.
Wait, stop! It's a trick! That's not
Leela.
[The crowd boos and Lrrr puts the orang-utan back on the table.
Waterfall Jr. runs onto the stage.]
LRRR
W-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.
WATERFALL JR.
It's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's
most precious creatures.
[He hugs the orang-utan and it starts to scratch his hair and
eat his fleas. Lrrr puts on a pair of glasses. Zapp grabs Waterfall
Jr. by the hair and drags him away.]
ZAPP
Why'd you open your bong hole you smelly
hippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful
woman to save a moderately-attractive
monkey? You must've smoked some bad
granola.
LRRR
The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right.
This is a monkey!
[Nd-Nd eats it whole.]
ND-ND
Yes. Definitely.
LRRR
Where is the real female?
ZAPP
I'll never tell.
[He crosses his arms and Lrrr points a laser to his head.]
LRRR
Where is the real female?
ZAPP
I'll get her for you.
[He runs off.]
[Time Lapse. Zapp pushes Leela's cage out onto the stage.]
ZAPP
I realise this may hurt our chances
of consummating our relationship again.
LEELA
Go consummate yourself.
LRRR
Stop talking, you're getting cold.
[He reaches into the cage and grabs Leela around the waist.]
LEELA
Please! I just paid off my car!
FRY
No!
BENDER
I can't look!
[He takes his eyes out, puts them in his chest cabinet and looks
back towards Leela. Lrrr puts Leela in his mouth.]
POPPLER
Stop! People of Earth. I am Jrrr of
the planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone
lower this thing for me? Now then,
if Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.
[The Omicronians gasp.]
ND-ND
Little one, get out of there. I'm going
to count to blorks!
JRRR
But elder one -
[Nd-Nd starts counting off her fingers.]
ND-ND
Flingle. Glorg. Glorg and a gloob.
JRRR
Hear me out. There are many good reasons
to eat. Hunger, boredom, wanting to
be the world's fattest man. But not
revenge. Are we no better than they?
Besides, Leela's my friend.
LRRR
(mumbling) Is this true, Earthling?
LEELA
(mumbling) Yeah, it is.
[He takes her out of his mouth.]
LRRR
Leela's garbled words have opened my
eyes.
[The crowd cheers and Leela spits out and pokes Jrrr, who giggles.
Waterfall Jr. holds the mic and strokes his hair.]
WATERFALL JR.
OK, that's a start. That's very Earth-friendly.
Now everyone join hands. Join hands,
please. I'd like to lead you all in
some swaying. Come on, pay attention.
I said do it! Yeah...
LRRR
Is he your friend too?
JRRR
No.
[Lrrr eats Waterfall Jr. He pokes his head out of Lrrr's mouth.]
WATERFALL JR.
This is not happening.
[Lrrr swallows him and everyone cheers and applauds. Lrrr clutches
his stomach.]
LRRR
I think there was something funny in
that hippie.
LEELA
Thank you, Jrrr. I hope you'll always
think of me as your mom.
JRRR
When my species grows up, we eat our
moms!
LEELA
Whoop!
[She tosses Jrrr to Nd-Nd.]
LRRR
People of Earth - oh, that hippie's
starting to kick in - we've all learned
a valuable lesson today, I realise now
that - dude! My hand are huge! The
can touch anything but themselves.
Oh, wait.
ND-ND
Let's go.
[She pulls her cape across her and she and the other Omicronians
walk off. A heavily stoned Lrrr stares at his cape and feels
it.]
LRRR
Whoa!
[Nd-Nd pushes him off the stage.]
[Outside Madison Cube Garden. Four Omicronian ships head off
into space and another follows, weaving around the sky.]
LRRR
Whoa, I feel like I'm flying!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew sit around the table
and Bender puts a plate with a cover on the table.]
FARNSWORTH
A toast to Leela. She showed us it's
wrong to eat certain things.
FRY
Hear, hear!
BENDER
Let's get drunk!
LEELA
Aww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.
BENDER
Here you go.
[He passes a plate over.]
FRY
Mmm, let me get some of that suckling
pig.
[Amy passes it to him. Bender holds up a plate.]
BENDER
Who wants dolphin?
[Everyone gasps.]
LEELA
Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.
BENDER
Not this one. He blew all his money
on instant lottery tickets.
FRY
OK.
LEELA
Oh, OK.
AMY
That's different.
FARNSWORTH
Good, good.
LEELA
Pass the blowhole.
AMY
Can I have a fluke?
HERMES
Hey, quit hogging the bottle-nose.
FARNSWORTH
Toss me the speech centre of the brain!
THE END
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