THE BETRAYAL
Written by
Peter Mehlman & David Mandel
(Coffee shop. George, Elaine, and Jerry enter with suitcases.
Elaine has a large bandage on her nose. They all sit down at
a booth. All three of them are tired, fed up, and angered)
GEORGE
So, Elaine, are you going to sleep with
me or what?!
ELAINE
(Aggravated) George, I just got off
a twenty-three hour plane ride. I'm
too tired to even vomit at the thought.
GEORGE
(Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when
you're rested.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come
around.
GEORGE
Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!
(Kramer comes in and sits down at the booth with them)
JERRY
(To George) I said I was sorry.
GEORGE
You can stuff you sorries in a sack,
mister!
JERRY
(Nauseated at the saying) Would you
please stop saying that?!
KRAMER
(Confused) What's up with you two?
GEORGE
I don't want to talk about it.
KRAMER
(To Jerry) So how was the big trip?
JERRY
I don't want to talk about it!
KRAMER
(Observing Elaine's bandaged nose) Well,
what happened to your nose?
ELAINE
I don't want to talk ab-ow!-t it! (She
winces under the pain from her nose
on the word 'about')
KRAMER
Well, you gotta give me something! Come
on, how was the wedding? Was the bride
radiant?
ELAINE
She.. was.
JERRY
'Till she found out Elaine slept with
the groom.
KRAMER
(Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy.
Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom,
but I want to hear all about it. (Gets
up and heads for the bathroom)
GEORGE
(While skimming a Monk's menu) You know,
I didn't go to the bathroom the entire
time we were in India.
JERRY
I can't believe we went all the way
to India for a wedding!
(Scene ends)
India)
"ONE DAY EARLIER" People storm out of
a building. All are dressed in wedding
apparel)
SUE ELLEN
That's it! The wedding's off.
PINTER
What? But, Sue Ellen-
SUE ELLEN
(Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine,
you were my maid of honor and you slept
with MY Pinter?!
ELAINE
No, no, no! It was years ago - before
you met him. And, and I got to tell
you.. it was very mechanical.
SUE ELLEN
I have never been so humiliated!
ELAINE
(To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is
all yoru fault!
GEORGE
(While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him!
His fault! He betrayed me!
JERRY
(Pleading) George, I'm sorry..
GEORGE
You can stuff your sorries in a sack,
Mister!
JERRY
(Confused) I don't know what that means.
GEORGE
(To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you
have to decide right now. Jerry or me?
NINA
(Casually) Alright.. Neither.
GEORGE
What?! Well, what are you doing here?
NINA
A free trip to India. And by the way,
you can take off those boots. Everyone
knows you're five' six.
GEORGE
Five' eight! Five' seven!
ELAINE
(To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they
are?! We're - we're still best friends,
right?
SUE ELLEN
No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's
nose) And take that stupid thing out
of your nose!
(Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out)
JERRY
That's got to hurt, I don't care where
you're from!
GEORGE
(Whispering to Jerry) What time is our
flight back? I got to go to the bathroom.
(Scene ends)
A building in India)
"FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" The bride,
Sue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are
walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering
flowers behind them. Jerry
walks in and takes a seat)
ELAINE
(Whispering to Jerry) Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
ELAINE
What happened last night?
JERRY
Oh, you were pretty loaded.
ELAINE
(Gesturing to her nose stud) I know.
I woke up with this.
JERRY
Oh. Hello, Tetanus.
(Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall)
NINA
George, I've used the bathroom. It's
fine.
GEORGE
(Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk
it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees
in here.. I'll sweat it out.
ELAINE
(Seeing George, she walks over to greet
him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are
those Timberlands painted black?
GEORGE
(Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?
ELAINE
(Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward
the bride and groom)
GEORGE
Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front
of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there.
(Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry.
(Obviously angered at Jerry) I
believe you know Nina.
JERRY
(As George sits down) George, we need
to talk.
GEORGE
(Trying to keep his voice down) I think
you've done a lot more than talk! You
betrayed me!
JERRY
Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina,
but that's all.
GEORGE
(Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything!
I don't know what all the rest of it
is for anyway!
JERRY
(Pleading) I'm really sorry.
GEORGE
You can stuff your sorries in a sack,
mister!
JERRY
(Confused) Where'd you get that one?
GEORGE
It's an expression.
ELAINE
(From the front of the room, she can
hear George and Jerry's heated discussion)
Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then
shakes her head - apologizing)
GEORGE
(Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we
are gonna settle this right now! I demand
reparations! I should get to sleep with
Elaine. That's the only way to
punish you!
JERRY
That doesn't punish me. It punishes
Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.
GEORGE
(Losing it) Funny guy!
(Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George)
ELAINE
Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best
friend is trying to get married up here!
GEORGE
Elaine, you have to sleep with me.
ELAINE
(Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with
you.
GEORGE
Reparations!
ELAINE
Would you grow up, George?! What is
the difference? Nina slept with (Points
to Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept
with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all
ancient history.
GEORGE
(Loud, so everyone at the wedding can
hear) You slept with the groom?!
(Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly.
All eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen)
(Scene ends)
New York street)
"FOUR HOURS EARLIER" Kramer is standing
up against a brick wall. All the sudden,
he's pegged straight in the face with
a snowball. He winces from
the pain and coldness, then walks up to his friend FDR - the
one who threw the snowball at him. He hugs him)
KRAMER
Oh, thank you, FDR!
(Scene ends)
The Coffee shop)
"ONE HOUR EARLIER" Kramer and FDR are
both holding a wishbone)
KRAMER
Alright, FDR.. This wish is for all
the marbles. You win, you get your wish
- I drop dead. I win, I don't drop dead,
and I get one-hundred percent
anti-drop-dead protection. Forever.
FDR
Alright.
(They each pull, it breaks. FDR won)
KRAMER
Oh, man! Well, then, come on. There's
got to be something that'll change your
mind, FDR. Something.." (FDR lifts up
a cooler, and puts it on the table)
What, you want my kidney? (FDR is smiling wickedly as he pulls
a snowball out of the cooler) Mama!..
(Scene ends)
Jerry's room in India)
"THE NIGHT BEFORE, BACK IN INDIA" Elaine
is obviously drunk)
ELAINE
George knows that you slept with Nina.
That's why he was acting so weird.
JERRY
How did he find out?
ELAINE
He schnapped me.
JERRY
You know you're not supposed to drink
whil you're keeping a secret! (Elaine
laughs) Is there anything else?
ELAINE
I can't tell you.
JERRY
(Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink
this.
ELAINE
Okay. (Takes a drink) I slept with the
groom.
JERRY
Pinter?
ELAINE
He used to be called Peter.
JERRY
(Making nothing of it) So? Who cares
about that?
ELAIEN
Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off
the whole wedding.
JERRY
Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings.
(Elaine, at this point, has climbed
onto the couch and is squirming around
- she now has her backside to Jerry)
Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up.
(Elaine climbs onto Jerry's back)
ELAINE
Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?
JERRY
(Carrying her out, piggy-back style)
No, what?
ELAINE
(Between laughs) Jugdish.
JERRY
Yes, jugdish.
ELAINE
(While sliding off Jerry onto the hallway
floor) Hey, what if I got my nose pierced?
That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa!
JERRY
(Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think
it's a fine idea. Well, good night.
(Shuts the door)
(Elaine peers through the blinds on Jerry's door)
ELAINE
(Sticking her fingers through the blinds
- waving at him) G'night, Jugdish. (Laughs)
(Scene ends)
Jerry's room, India)
"ONE HOUR EARLIER" Jerry hands Elaine
a glass of Schnapps)
JERRY
Bless you.
ELAINE
Thank you..
(Scene ends)
Jerry's room, India)
"THREE SECONDS EARLIER" Jerry's pouring
Elaine a glass of Schnapps. Elaine sneezes)
(Scene ends)
New York park)
"TWO HOURS EARLIER, NEW YORK" Kramer
is with hot-dog vender FDR)
KRAMER
Well, guess what, FDR? I made a wish
on a shooting star last night, and I
wished against your wish.
FDR
That's funny. As it happens, I saw the
same shooting star and double-wished
you to drop dead. (Hands Kramer some
coins) Here's your change.
(Kramer walks over, and throws his coins in a nearby fountain)
KRAMER
Alright, I'm triple-wishing! Yep!
FDR
(Throwing four coins into the fountain)
Then I'm quadruple-wishing!
KRAMER
Alright.. (Pulls out one of his eyebrows)
How do you like this? (Blows it away)
Ya!
FDR
I like it a lot. (Pulls out one of his
eyebrows) Ow! (Blows it away)
KRAMER
(Tears out another eyelash) Ah! (Blows
it away)
FDR
(Doing the same) Oh! (Blows it away)
(Kramer and FDR get into a frenzy - both ripping out their eyelashes)
(Scene ends)
Indian Airport)
"THREE HOURS EARLIER, BACK IN INDIA"
Elaine, Jerry, George, and Nina are
all at the airport)
ELAINE
Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What's
that smell?
JERRY
(Joking around) I think it's the stench
of death.
NINA
George, you've been wearing those boots
since I met you. You're not gonna wear
them to the wedding, are you?
GEORGE
(Laughing nervously) No.. I'm gonna
wear black shoes.
ELAIEN
(Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport)
Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't
want me at this wedding, but here I
am with a buch of my idiot friends!
JERRY
(Giddy) This is gonna be great!
SUE ELLEN
(Walking up to the group) Elaine? Oh!
Oh, I am so happy to see you!
ELAINE
(Confused by her reaction) You are?
SUE ELLEN
Well, of course! No one else was even
willing to come to India. I mean, not
even Pinter's parents - and they're
Indian.
ELAIEN
Come on, Sue Ellen. You don't wear a
bra, you're tall.. we hate each other!
SUE ELLEN
Elaine, I know. I know we've had our
problems, but.. I want you to be my
maid of honor - and my best friend.
ELAINE
(Toying with the idea) Huh.. alright.
I guess.
SUE ELLEN
Uh, this is my fiance, Pinter. (To Pinter)
Say hello.
PINTER
(Walking up to them) Hello.
ELAINE
(Recognizing him) Peter?
SUE ELLEN
Uh, no. It's Pinter. Does anyone want
to use the bathroom?
GEORGE
(Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no.
No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright.
(Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it,
funny man. (Leaves)
JERRY
Elaine, have you noticed George was
acting strage the whole flight?
ELAINE
(Acting equilly strange) No. What? Like
what? What? Strange.. No. I..
JERRY
(Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket)
Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the
plane. Schnapps.
ELAINE
Ooohh.
(Scene ends)
Jerry/Kramer's apartment building)
"THE NIGHT BEFORE, NEW YORK" Kramer
is on the roof of his apartment building
looking up at the stars)
KRAME
Come on.. Come on. Yes! (Sees a falling
star) There's one! (Yelling out) I wish
I don't drop dead!!
MAN
(Off-screen) Hey, shut up up there!
KRAMER
You shut up!
MAN
Aw, drop dead!
(Scene ends)
Airplane)
"FIVE HOURS EARLIER, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
NEW YORK AND INDIA" Elaine, Jerry, George,
and Nina are on the plane - India-bound.
George walks up to Jerry's seat)
GEORGE
Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
JERRY
Coach to India - The only way to go.
GEORGE
(Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at
Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're
very funny, Jerry. That's what I always
tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's
a funny guy!
JERRY
You all right?
GEORGE
Of course I'm all right. I'm here with
my girl. Nina. And what better way to
pass the time than gabbing with my best
friend.. with whom there are no
secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the
fourth grade.
JERRY
(Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you
up in the fourth grade?
GEORGE
(Yelling out to the whole coach) Funny
guy! (Points to Jerry) Right here!
(Scene cuts to Nina and Elaine)
NINA
By the way, you never said anything
to George about Jerry and me, did ya?
ELAINE
Oh please.. It's in the vault.
(Camera stays on Elaine and Nina as we hear George yelling from
the front of the plane)
GEORGE
Ho, ho! Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!
(Scene ends)
The Coffee shop)
"ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine and George
are at Monks. Elaine is drunk)
ELAINE
Watch this. (Puts the bottle of Schnapps
in her mouth, flips her head up, drinking
it, then puts it back down with her
teeth. She is effected by that last
DRINK
) Oh.. God..
GEORGE
So, Jerry and Nina, huh?
ELAINE
Oh, Mmm.. (Scoots up close to George)
I'm not gonna tell you any more things..
GEORGE
But you already told me everything.
ELAINE
Okey-dokey.
(Scene ends)
Newman's apartment)
"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER")
KRAMER
I mean, we had a deal, Newman. And you
were supposed to give my your birthday
wish. And now you've wated it!
NEWMAN
(With a gorgeous woman sitting on his
lap) Did I?
WOMAN
Newman, I'm bored.
NEWMAN
Aww..
KRAMER
Does your girlfriend have to be here?
NEWMAN
(Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?
JERRY
(Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just
hanging out in this hell-hole because
of George.
KRAMER
Alright, come on, Newman. Now you gotta
help me! What am I gonna do about FDR?
WOMAN
Why don't you just make another wish?
KRAMER
And how am I gonna do that, Toots?
WOMAN
What about a shooting star?
KRAMER
(Interested) That's perfect..
NEWMAN
(Kissing the woman) Beauty.. and brains.
JERRY
(Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on.
You know he's a postman, don't ya?
(Scene ends)
Jerry's apartment)
"FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" George enters
Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
(Handing George a ticket) Here. You're
going to India with us tomarrow.
GEORGE
For how long?
ELAINE
Three days.
GEORGE
Great. (Hugs Jerry) Jerry, I gotta tell
you, I had the best time with that Nina
last night. I - I think I'm in love
with her already. You are a great friend.
A
great, great friend.
(Kramer leaves his apartment, entering the hallway)
JERRY
(Trying to change the subject away from
Nina) Hey, Kramer, what are you doing?
You want to borrow something? You want
to eat something? Come on
in!
KRAMER
(Shrugging Jerry off) Nah.
ELAINE
You want to go to India?
KRAMER
I can't. (Complaining) I'm gonna drop
dead.
GEORGE
Great! Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this
is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina..
JERRY
(As Kramer is walking in the direction
of Newman's apartment) Hey, Kramer,
wait up. I'll go with you.
KRAMER
I'm goin' to Newman's!
JERRY
(Eagerly following Kramer) Great, I
love Newman! (They both leave)
GEORGE
(Asking Elaine) Jerry seem a little
weird when I mentioned Nina?
ELAINE
Nina? Nina? No. Psshhh.. Not weird.
No. Nina.
GEORGE
Why do you keep saying Nina?
ELAIEN
I don't know. Nina. Nina! (Feeling she's
said to much, she goes to leave) I'm
gonna go grab a bite.
GEORGE
Uhh.. I'll meet you down there. (Elaine
leaves. George instantly goes looking
through Jerry's cabinet) Cereal, cereal..
(Picks up a bottle) Peach schnapps.
(Scene ends)
NYC Street)
"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER")
KRAMER
(Knocking on a port-a-potty door) Come
on, Lomez! We're gonna be late for the
movie.
(Newman, with the woman he wished for, are riding in his car.
He stops at a stop light - right next to Kramer)
NEWMAN
(To his new girlfriend) You see, my
dear, all certified mail is registered,
but registered mail is not necessarily
cerified.
WOMAN; I could listed to you talk about mail all day.
KRAMER
Anything you wish.. I'll tell you a
little secret about zip codes: They're
meaningless! (Laughs evilly, driving
away)
KRAMER
Wish?! Newman!
(Scene ends)
Newman's apartment)
"ONE DAY EARLIER" It's Newman's birthday
party. His house is full of Postal co-workers)
ALL
(Singing to Newman) ..And you smell
like one, too.
POSTMAN
Make a wish, Newman! We've gotta get
back to work in three hours!
(Newman inhales, ready to blow the candles out. Kramer rushes
in)
KRAMER
Newman, wait!
NEWMAN
(Sputtering loudly) Kramer! I'm with
people.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting
me!
NEWMAN
I did invite you.. Your invitation must've..
gotten lost in the mail.
(All postal workers burst out with laughter)
KRAMER
Well, Newman, I need your wish to protect
me from FDR.
NEWMAN
(Refusing, Standing up) Can't do it.
I'm on an unbelievable birthday-wish
hot streak! My last five birthday wishes
came true.
KRAMER
Come on! Look, I'll give you my next
birthday wish, huh?
NEWMAN
(Negotiating) Your next.. fifty wishes.
KRAMER
Forty-eight.
NEWMAN
Fourty-nine.
KRAMER
Done!
NEWMAN AND KRAMER
(Toghether) Sucker..
(Newman sits back down to his cake, where his co-workers are
about to slice it)
NEWMAN
Alright, alright, back, savages. Back!
I haven't made my wish yet..
(Newman starts to inhale again. This time, he sees a magazine
on the table - on the cover is a beautiful woman. Then blows
out the candles)
(Scene ends)
Jerry's apartment)
"ONE DAY EARLIER" Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Well, this Mischke mish-mash is just
gettin' worse.
JERRY
Uh-huh.
ELAINE
I talked with the groom's parents..
JERRY
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..
ELAINE
..And it's so obvious that they don't
want..
JERRY
Uh-huh..
ELAINE
..me to go.
JERRY
Sure.
ELAINE
So, the only reason..
JERRY
Uh-huh.
ELAINE
..she sent me an invitation was that
so I'd send her a gift.
JERRY
Uh-huh.
NINA
(From Jerry's room) Jerry?
JERRY
(To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee
grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker.
Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do
with coffee. Maybe you should go get
some coffee.
(Nina enters the living room - sees Elaine)
NINA
Oh. Hi.
ELAINE
Hi.
NINA
(Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should..
um..
JERRY
Sure.
ELAINE
Bye.
NINA
Bye-bye. (Leaves)
ELAINE
(Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who
else ya got back there?
JERRY
Look, there was an awkward moment in
the conversation. It never happened
before.
ELAINE
You slept with Nina? What are you gonna
tell George?
JERRY
Nothing. And neither will you. George
can never know about this.. It'll crush
him.
ELAINE
Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in
the vault.
JERRY
No good. Too many people know the combination.
ELAINE
(Confused) What combination? (Jerry
makes the "drinky-drinky" sign with
his hands) Don't be rediculous.
(Jerry opens one of his kitchen drawers)
JERRY
Oh my god. This drawer is filled with
Fruit Loops!
ELAINE
So what?
JERRY
And milk.
(Scene cuts to "THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer is in Jerry's
kitchen. He spills his milk and cereal on the counter)
KRAMER
Oh, geez..
JERRY
(From outside the apartment) Hello?
(Kramer quickly opens a drawer and sweeps his mess into it with
his arm)
(Scene ends)
Pinter's parent's house)
"ONE HOUR EARLIER" Elaine is at Pinter's
parents house)
ELAINE
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Ranawat?
ZUBIN
Please, call us Usha and Zubin.
ELAINE
Oh. Well, Usha..
ZUBIN
I'm Zubin.
ELAINE
(Shrugging it off) Anyway, your son
is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke..
USHA
You're not going to the wedding, are
you?
ELAINE
Well..
USHA
Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful
place.
ZUBIN
You know, it's the only country that
still has the plague? I mean, the plague!
Please!
USHA
Here's the registry. Send her a gift,
and be glad you did not have to go.
ELAINE
(Soaking it in) Right. Don't go. Send
a gift. I think I understand.
ZUBIN
If I had to go to India, I wouldn't
go to the bathroom the entire trip.
ELAINE
(Leaving) That's fantastic.
ZUBIN
And I'm not so crazy about Manhattan,
either.
(Scene ends)
Jerry's apartment)
"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and Nina
are in the kitchen)
NINA
Oh, you were going to tell me all about
George.
JERRY
Ah, just remember when you see him tomarrow
night to tell him that the waiter liked
him.
NINA
Really?
JERRY
Believe me. You know, I forgot how much
fun it is hanging out with you.
NINA
I know. You know, we never had a bad
conversation.
JERRY
I know. No awkward pauses. Probably
the reason we never fooled around..
NINA
Heh.. yeah.
JERRY
Probably the reason..
(They both stare at eachother, then, Jerry clears of the counter
with the sweep of his arm, Nina hops onto the counter, and they
start going at it)
(Scene ends)
FDR's apartment building)
"ONE DAY EARLIER" Kramer is standing
outside FDR's door, talking to FDR.
He is finishing what was once a large
lollipop)
FDR
Are - are you dense? I said I wanted
you to drop dead. Now.. drop dead! (Slams
the door in Kramer's face)
KRAMER
(Walking away) I knew it.. Stupid Jerry..
(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at Jerry's apartment. Jerry's
at his door, talking with Kramer. Kramer's lollipop is slightly
bigger)
JERRY
Kramer, I know what I'm talking about.
There's no way FDR wants you to drop
dead.
KRAMER
But you haven't seen..
JERRY
Just go back and ask him again. (Slams
the door on Kramer)
KRAMER
Yeah.. (Heads for FDR's)
(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" at FDR's apartment. Kramer
and FDR are talking at the door. Kramer's lollipop, of course,
is larger than the scene
before)
FDR
That's right. My birthday wish was for
you to drop dead.
KRAMER
Well, why?
FDR
(Sinister) I have my reasons.
KRAMER
Woah, wait, wait, wait. If you make
a birthday wish out loud, it doesn't
come true.
FDR
That's just a silly superstition. (Slams
his door on Kramer)
(Scene cuts to "TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Kramer comes into Jerry's
apartment with a huge lollipop)
KRAMER
Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
GEORGE
FDR?
KRAMER
(To George) Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski.
(Resumes telling the story) I go to
his birthday part, and just before he
blew out his candles, he gives
me this look..
GEORGE
(Guessing the look) Stink eye?
JERRY
(Also guessing) Crook eye?
KRAMER
(Entroducing yet another type of look
to the boys) EVIL eye.
JERRY
Well, everybody's a little cranky on
their birthday..
GEORGE
Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone
in your house, you're thinkin', "These
are my friends?!"
JERRY
(Sarcasticly joking off what George
said) Everyday is my birthday.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I can't have this hanging
over my head. It's bad mojo.
(Elaine opens the door, hitting Kramer)
ELAINE
Hi.
(Kramer, still wheezing from the door, leaves)
ELAINE
You're not gonna believe what I got
in the mail. An invitation to Sue Ellen
Mischke's wedding.
JERRY
(Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well,
at least the wedding gown will give
her some support.
ELAINE
Not the point. The wedding is in one
week. I got this (Holds up invitation)
today.
JERRY
So you think it's a non-vite?
ELAINE
It's an un-vitation! (Notices George
is a few inches higher) Hey, are you
gettin' taller?
GEORGE
(Showing Elaine his boots) Timberlands.
ELAINE
Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey,
look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder
if he's related to that guy I dated,
Peter Ranawat..
JERRY
Ah, it's probably like Smith over there.
GEORGE
Jerry, would you make the call already?
ELAINE
What call?
JERRY
(Picks up the phone, dialing Nina) He
wants me to set him up with this girl,
Nina Stengal.
ELAINE
(Remembers Jerry's talking about her)
Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat
bitter tward Jerry) The one you think
can replace me?
JERRY
I was kidding when I said that!
GEORGE
(To Elaine) Told me the same thing.
JERRY
(On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry.
GEORGE
You-you sure you never slept with her?
(Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.
JERRY
(To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend,
George? Quite a guy, huh?
GEORGE
(Rubbing his stomach) Ooh.. Something's
not sitting right..
(Scene ends)
The Coffee shop)
"ONE HOUR EARLIER" George is ordering
his meal)
GEORGE
I'll have the clam casino.
JERRY
Get outta here.
GEORGE
(Showing Jerry the menu) "Chef recommends"
JERRY
Hmm..
GEORGE
(Motioning tward waitress) I think she
likes me.
JERRY
Sure.
GEORGE
So, how come nothing ever happened between
you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is
there a problem with her? Is she a man?
JERRY
Are you?
GEORGE
Well, what's the reason?
JERRY
We were too compatible.. Our conversations
were so engrossing.
GEORGE
How engrossing?
JERRY
If we ever had a problem with Elaine,
we could bring in Nina and not lose
a step.
GEORGE
Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't,
huh, have a replacement lined up for
me, do ya?
(Jerry snickers, then stares at George, smiling)
JERRY
Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't
make the trasition from conversation
to sex. There were no awkward pauses..
I need an awkward pause.
GEORGE
I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up
with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just
saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have
to wwear them every time I see her.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
In any othe shoe, I lose two inches.
I - I can't have a drop down. We were
eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!
JERRY
So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter
what the situation?
GEORGE
In every situation. No matter how silly
I look. (Tastes his meal) Hm.. tastes
a little funky.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure it's fine.
(Scene ends)
FDR's apartment)
"THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER" A group of
people are singing to FDR)
ALL
..to you!
MAN
Come on, make a wish! Make a wish!
KRAMER
Yeah!
(FDR eyes Kramer evilly, blows out his candles, then gives Kramer
the same look. Kramer reacts nervously)
(Scene ends)
NYC Street)
"TEN MINUTES EARLIER" Jerry and George
are walking down the street. The opening
credits start to show)
GEORGE
Ah, this is the kind of day that almost
makes you feel good to be alive.
JERRY
Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new
Timberlands?
GEORGE
Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two
inches in these babies!
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Five' eight. Five' seven.
(Jerry passes Nina, an old girlfriend)
NINA
Jerry?
JERRY
Nina?
NINA
Hi.
JERRY
It's been years!
NINA
Yeah!
JERRY
(Introducing the two) George, this is
Nina.
GEORGE
Nice to meet you.
NINA
Nice to meet you, too.
(Scene ends)
Elaine's apartment building)
"THREE HOURS EARLIER" Elaine's at her
mailbox)
ELAINE
(Reading an invitation) India? Yeah,
right. (Sarcastic) I'm goin' to India..
(Scene ends)
The Coffee shop)
"TWO YEARS EARLIER" Jerry is sitting
at a booth with Nina)
NINA
And they call it the World Wide Web.
You can e-mail anyone!
JERRY
(Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!
NINA
Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)
JERRY
Ah.
NINA
It's great talkin'
JERRY
Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves.
To himself) What the hell is e-mail?
(George and Susan enter and sit with Jerry)
GEORGE
How as the date?
JERRY
Pretty good. I think she might be the
one.
SUSAN
No.
GEORGE
Whooo.. (To a waitress taking orders)
Ooh.. French fries.
SUSAN
Ah, George.
GEORGE
(Changing is order for Susan) Baked,
uh, potato.
SUSAN
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
Sorry.
SUSAN
yeah, you stuff your sorries in a sack,
mister.
(Kramer runs into Monk's with a snowball)
KRAMER
Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin'
tight! (Puts the snowball on the table,
then drips water from Jerry's cup onto
it)
JERRY
What are you bringing snowballs in here
for?
KRAMER
Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice
and hard.. and when you throw it - Pop!
Oh look, (Looks out the Monk's windows)
there's my friend, FDR. I'm
gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great!
(Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)
(Elaine and Pinter (Peter) enter Monk's, and are greeted)
JERRY
Hi, Elaine.
GEORGE
Hey!
ELAINE
(Turning around and leaving with Pinter)
Hey, let's go someplace else, Okay,
Peter?
(Scene ends)
Jerry's new apartment)
"ELEVEN YEARS EARLIER" Jerry, carrying
a box, is moving in to his apartment
for the first time. He meets his across-the-hall
neighbor, Kramer)
KRAMER
Oh, hey, how you doing?
JERRY
Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin'
in. I saw your name on the buzzer -
You must be Kessler.
KRAMER
Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.
JERRY
Oh.
KRAMER
Uh, you need any help, or..?
JERRY
No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You
want some of it?
KRAMER
Uh, no, no, no. I couldn't impose.
JERRY
Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine
is yours. (And with that, Jerry made
the most fatal mistake of his life)
KRAMER
(Eyeing Jerry's empty apartment) Really?
THE END
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