THE CHINESE WOMAN
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(The street)
JERRY
Good shave today..
ELAINE
[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry,
I can manage these bags; really
I'm
fine.
JERRY
I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns
grow in a little..
ELAINE
Can we rest here a second.
JERRY
[pause] Yeah, I guess.
[She sits on the stairs of a small
entryway.]
JERRY
.. So how's Noreen?
ELAINE
Mm! She's got a new boyfriend:
Paul.
JERRY
Already? That was fast.. I assume
he's not a High Talker..
ELAINE
No, but, he has, The Worst Habit.
Whenever he answers the phone,
he
won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta
go through, like, ten minutes of
chit-chat.
JERRY
A Long Talker.
ELAINE
Yeah! But he is so boring! But
now, whenever he answers the phone:
I
just hang up.
JERRY
[pause] All right; let's move it
out.
[ELAINE gets her bags.]
JERRY
Hey, isn't that George's father?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say
hello?
JERRY
I've never seen him in Manhattan
before; it's weird. So out of context.
ELAINE
That man he's with: is he wearing
a cape?
JERRY
I believe he is wearing a cape.
ELAINE
Why is Mr. Costanza with a man
in a cape?
JERRY
Well, it is good cape weather.
Cool. Breezy.
ELAINE
Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape?
Where do you even get a cape?
JERRY
You're right; it is strange. In
fact, let's cross to the other
side of
the street. Cover me.
[ELAINE positions the bags to cover
her face and upper body. JERRY
walks
by her so he's out of view, too.]
[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]
[Commercial Break]
[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's
"house."]
JERRY
Just, ah, plop it on the counter
there.
[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately
and throws the others on the counter.
He hadn't helped her at all on
the way--payback time. Then, during
the
following, she spends a lot of
time looking for food in the bags
and
puts some in one bag--presumably
hers.]
JERRY
Oh! I got a message. [presses button
on phone machine]
GEORGE
[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got
nothin' to say.. [beeeep]
ELAINE
That sounds Urgent..
JERRY
Let me call him back..
Hello?? Who is this?
Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must
o' dialed the wrong number.
ELAINE
Donna Chang?
JERRY
[is redialing] Should've talked
to her; I love Chinese women.
ELAINE
Isn't that a little racist?
JERRY
If I like their race, how can that
be racist?..
Hellooo??..
Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..
Yyy-yes, I am calling George..
Oh, the lines are crossed; you're
getting his calls. Well, what do
you
know?!
[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle
of water. JERRY stays on the line
to
chat with Donna.]
JERRY
So listen..
KRAMER
I'm goin' through this stuff like
water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin'
to?
ELAINE
He's on with a Chinese woman.
KRAMER
Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian
women. [a little distracted, pulling
down his underwear in back, through
his pants]
ELAINE
You got a.. comfort problem there?
KRAMER
Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
ELAINE
I thought you wore silk underwear.
KRAMER
No. Well, you know, I wore 'em
for about a month but I couldn't
stay
with it. Yeah, I need the secure
packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious.
Then he makes a hand gesture of
grabbing up.] My boys need a house.
ELAINE
[not charmed..] That's nice.
Listen, Kramer, you know, if you
ever want to have kids you shouldn't
wear briefs. Boxers are much better
for your sperm count.
KRAMER
Sperm count?
Well how many ssssperm should I
have?
ELAINE
A lot.
[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered
into the bedroom and is now off
the
phone.]
JERRY
I got a date!
ELAINE
With the Chinese woman?!
JERRY
She knew who I was! She saw me
in a club one time! My first date
ever
with the Pacific Rim. I'm very
excited.
KRAMER
Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm
count checked?
JERRY
No, why should I? I wear boxers.
KRAMER
You ever get a woman pregnant?
JERRY
I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records
are permanently sealed..
KRAMER
What would you say if I told you,
"I never impregnated a woman"?
JERRY
Really? You never slipped one past
the goalie in all these years??..
Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept
with a lot of women, I--
KRAMER
A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked
out]
Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!
JERRY
Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally
Depleted.
KRAMER
Well, but what if I am? I'm the
last male Kramer! We're facing
extinction!
JERRY
Well, go to a fertility clinic.
Have your sperm count checked.
KRAMER
Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well,
you know.. into a cup? In the middle
of the day??
ELAINE
Does that conflict with your regular
schedule?
[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]
ELAINE
[going to the phone, she's been
eating chips from small package
of them]
All right. I'm gonna try Noreen
again.
JERRY
I am very excited about this date!
We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
ELAINE
She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese
food?
JERRY
She suggested it!
ELAINE
I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..
JERRY
She's very assimilated.
[Elaine's on the phone--we hear
a male, "Hello?" on the other end.
ELAINE quickly hangs up.]
JERRY
Paul again?
ELAINE
[matter of fact] You can't get
one ring past him.
[GEORGE comes in.]
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me
back?!
JERRY
I tried! Your line's crossed with
a Chinese woman!
GEORGE
Uh?
ELAINE
[coming toward GEORGE to sit over
by JERRY, who's on the arm of the
couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey,
George, we saw your father on the
street before.
GEORGE
What's he doin' in the city today?
[They both shrug.]
GEORGE
You didn't ask him?
[They both shake heads no. Elaine's
eating chips.]
GEORGE
You didn't say hello?
ELAINE
Well, he was with someone.
A man.. In a cape.
GEORGE
Why was he wearing a cape?..
[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]
GEORGE
Was my father wearing a cape?
JERRY
No. Jacket and tie: no cape.
GEORGE
Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes
to door] W--a man with a cape doin'
with my father?.. What was my father
doing with a man in a cape? ..
[opens door] Why a cape? [out the
door and gone]
[Fertility clinic. In an examination
room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR
comes in.]
DOCTOR
The results of your sperm test
are in.
Well, ummm.. Are you planning to
start a family?
KRAMER
Yes! I would like to! Very much!..
Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I
ca--I can feel it!...
DOCTOR
Yes, I'm afraid you're a little
low.
KRAMER
Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer
name is finished! I'm never goin'
to
procreate! I--
DOCTOR
Hey--that's not necessarily true.
There are measures you can take
to
improve your fertility.
KRAMER
All right, all right. What. What.
You tell me; I'll do anything.
Come
on, Doc, tell me.
DOCTOR
First thing: you should wear boxer
shorts.
KRAMER
All the time?
DOCTOR
All the time. Ya have to get off
Jockeys right away.
KRAMER
Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.
[At Elaine's. She's in her robe
and talking on the phone, blowing
a hair
dryer onto the phone.]
ELAINE
Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!
Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone
so I don't really have time to
talk.
Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh.
She's not?! Okay, great. Well you
can
just tell her I called, then, an'--
Well, yes. It has been unseasonably
cool lately..
Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up
to the building now. So, I'm gonna..
[a little later, is sitting] Yeah,
I took 20%, too..
Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair
dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car..
seems to be running out of gas.
.. I'm gonna.. have to get off
the
phone. [hangs up]
[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's
in the waiting area, in a good
mood,
sitting next to a GUY.]
HOSTESS
Just let me know when the rest
of your party has arrived, sir.
JERRY
Yes, I will.
GUY
[indicating a cigarette] Mind?
JERRY
[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand
smoke two packs a day.
[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not
oriental. But is good-looking.]
DONNA
Jerry.
JERRY
[pause] 'scuse me?
DONNA
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
JERRY
Who're you?
DONNA
I'm Donna Chang..
JERRY
[stands, in shock, it's not sinking
in] What do you mean?
DONNA
I mean: I'm Donna Chang.
JERRY
[pause] You're Donna Chang?
DONNA
Did you think I was Chinese?..
JERRY
Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of
the "Chang"?
DONNA
Actually, the family name wasn't
originally Chang.
JERRY
I didn't think so.
DONNA
It used to be "Changstein."
[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY.
She's making herself a bowl of
Raisin Bran.]
ELAINE
She's not Chinese?
JERRY
No. Not Chinese.
Not even Asian.
ELAINE
So. What is she?
JERRY
Well, she's.. like you.
ELAINE
[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed
you must have been. [walks to couch,
with
her cereal]
JERRY
Well, it's false advertising, see?
And the thing is, I think she likes
people thinkin' she's Chinese.
She suggests Chinese food. She
always
introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..
ELAINE
So why're you seeing her again..
JERRY
Well, she is a woman.
ELAINE
I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They
might be breakin' up.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
Well, maybe.
JERRY
[sits on couch as something occurs
to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny
if
Paul an' Noreen broke up because
o' you kept hangin' up on him?
ELAINE
[pause] What do you mean?
JERRY
Well, you know if Paul thought
it was some guy.. hangin' up because
he
was having an affair with Noreen?
[As ELAINE considers the implications,
KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile
of underwear in his hands.]
KRAMER
Here. Take my Jockey shorts.
[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following
him as JERRY walks backward
around the apartment during the
following.]
ELAINE
Whoa! Whoa!
JERRY
What is that?!!
KRAMER
Look, you gotta help me. I have
to get off Jockey shorts.
JERRY
Wha--you have a low sperm count?
KRAMER
Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take
'em.
JERRY
Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.
KRAMER
Jerry, look! You gotta help me!
I can't have 'em near me! If I
have one
pair in my house, I'm gonna wear
them!
JERRY
Look! I don't want 'em!
KRAMER
All it takes is one pair! Now,
come on!
JERRY
I'm not gonna be able to sleep
if those are in the house!
[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's
table and is grabbing at his own
pants.]
KRAMER
Boxers! How do you wear these things!!
Look at that--they're baggin' up,
they're rising in! An' there's
nothing holding me in place! I'm
flip
pin'! I'm floppin'!
[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]
KRAMER
What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm
goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]
JERRY
[calmly turns back to The Pile
on his table] Well. I'm gonna have
to
move now.
[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER
at a booth.]
FRANK
Ya know what I like about Manhattan?
There's no mosquitoes.
GEORGE
Plenty of mosquitoes.
FRANK
Queens is full of mosquitoes.
GEORGE
So, Dad..
FRANK
Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.
GEORGE
Dad! I heard you were in the city
the other day!
FRANK
Your mother has to tell you every
move I make!?
GEORGE
No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.
FRANK
They didn't say hello?
GEORGE
Well, they were in a rush.
FRANK
They couldn't just say hello?!
.. Oh, to hell with them.
GEORGE
They, uh.. said you were with some
guy who was wearing a cape, ha
ha.
FRANK
Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello.
She's very--what's the
word--supercilious.
GEORGE
So Dad.
FRANK
How could Jerry not say Hello?!!
[Night. At Jerry's with he and
DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch
and he's
drying the dishes. She's just hung
up the phone.]
JERRY
So did they, uh, uncross the lines,
yet?
DONNA
No. They can't find the problem.
It's really getting ridicurous(sic).
JERRY
[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should
he say something--can't
decide if he should. finally..]
Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?
DONNA
Ridiculous.
JERRY
[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic)
[he and she look at each
other, puzzled.]
[GEORGE comes in.]
JERRY
Oh, what are you doing here?
GEORGE
Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA]
talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't
know
you had company. [JERRY indicates
he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.
DONNA
Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm
Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself
registers
that as weird, is heading to the
kitchen.]
I just spoke to your mother before.
GEORGE
[pause] You spoke to my mother?
DONNA
She was trying to call you, but--
JERRY
The rines(sic) were crossed?
[They both look at him weird.]
GEORGE
Did you say, "The rines(sic) were
crossed?"
JERRY
Did I?
DONNA
[pause] George, she's so sweet.
We talked for an hour!
Anyway, I'm really sorry.
GEORGE
Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have
to be sorry for?
DONNA
Well, she told me she and your
father are getting divorced.
[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE
immediately and ritually goes to
the
oven, turns on the gas, opens the
door and sticks his head in it.]
[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]
[Commercial Break]
[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's
left. Elaine's there.]
ELAINE
Divorced. That's really too bad..
JERRY
Yeah, you know it's a shame his
parents didn't get divorced thirty
years
ago. He could have been normal.
GEORGE
[coming out of bathroom] Oh my
God! You know what I just realized?!
If
they get divorced an' live in two
separate places? That's twice as
many
visits!
JERRY
I never thought of that.
GEORGE
Imagine if I had to see them both
on the same day? [mirthless] Haha!
It's like runnin' the double marathon!
ELAINE
Hey George, did you have any idea
that anything was wrong?
JERRY
Have you ever spent any time with
these people..?
GEORGE
You know what this has to do with?
The man in the cape--I bet you
he is
mixed up in this!
I don't trust men in capes.
JERRY
You can't cast aspersions on someone
just because they're wearin' a
cape. .. Superman wore a cape..
An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna
stand
here an' let you say something
bad about him.
GEORGE
All right Superman's the exception.
ELAINE
[has been watching that with amazed
disbelief]
[KRAMER enters.]
KRAMER
Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that
Noreen and Paul are breaking up.
I
want you to put in a good word
for me. [to JERRY] I've always
had a
thing for Noreen.
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer. You don't understand.
This could be my fault.
KRAMER
Well, if she's available now, I'm
not gonna let her slip through
my
fingers this time. Nooope. [walking
around at ease, some dancy moves]
JERRY
Well it looks like you've adjusted
to the boxers..
KRAMER
Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as
that.
JERRY
You went back to the Jockeys?
KRAMER
Wrong again.
JERRY
[pause] Oh, no.
ELAINE
What? What?..
JERRY
Don't you see what's goin' on here???
.. No boxers, no Jockeys..
ELAINE
Eeaawww...
JERRY
The only thing between him and
us is a thin layer of gabardine..
JERRY
Kramer, say it isn't so.
KRAMER
Oh, it be so.
I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin'
every minute of it!!!
JERRY
Don't you need a little.. help?
KRAMER
Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm
unfettered.. [opens door to leave,
still very happy, then:] I'm like
a naked innocent boy rrroamin'
the
countryside!!
[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN
are sitting at the counter. We're
looking straight at them.]
ELAINE
Well, you guys are tryin' to work
it out! That's great!..
NOREEN
Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He
just went insane there for a while..
ELAINE
Oh, he went insane?..
NOREEN
Believe it or not: Paul was convinced
I was having an affair because
somebody kept calling and hanging
up whenever he answered! What kind
of
a Sick Person calls and hangs up
over and over?
ELAINE
[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical,
avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I
don't know about sick. I mean,
maybe it was somebody who, didn't
wanna,
talk to whoever was answering because
whoever was answering was always
making, boring chit-chat, an' was
completely oblivious to the fact
that
the person who was calling, didn't
want to speak to them, ah!
NOREEN
[has been growing increasingly
slackjawed in amazement] I can't
believe
that was you..
ELAINE
[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry,
Noreen..
NOREEN
[pause] So you thought he was boring?
ELAINE
Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha
ha.
NOREEN
[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]
[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's
apartment.]
JERRY
What are you doin' to this woman?!
This is the second relationship
you've ruined for her in a few
weeks!!
ELAINE
I know--
JERRY
First you ruin her relationship
with the High Talker.
ELAINE
Well, Jer--I got confused, they
sound exactly the same.
JERRY
So she breaks up with him. Somehow
picks up the pieces of her life.
Miraculously meets: A New Guy!
Ya bust that up! An' then, just
as they're
reconciling, you announce to the
world: He's Boring.
ELAINE
[apologetically] I didn't know
she'd take it so seriously.
JERRY
Well, apparently you have a tremendous
influence over this woman!
Anything you say she does!
[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over,
hits the button.]
JERRY
Yeah.
DONNA
It's Donna Chang.
JERRY
[hits button] Come on up.
ELAINE
Well, I guess I just didn't realize
it..
JERRY
Well, let's look back on your history
with this woman. Okay?
ELAINE
Okay..
JERRY
First, you encouraged her to join:
The Army. .. She did.
ELAINE
She was lost..
JERRY
Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL!
She did!
ELAINE
Well, she didn't seem to be havin'
so much fun..
JERRY
You know.. You better make sure
you never tell this woman to jump
off
the Brooklyn Bridge..
ELAINE
If I have this much influence over
her, why don't I just call her
an'
tell her to get back together with
him--that's aalll!
[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly,
good mood.]
DONNA
Hi.
JERRY
Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..
[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE:
Hi! Good to meet you.]
DONNA
[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza
called me, they're not getting
divorced.
JERRY
Why? What happened?
DONNA
Well, she was trying to call George
last night, she got me, we spoke
for
an hour, she changed her mind!!!
JERRY
Wow! That's amazing!
DONNA
Anyway, she wants to meet me! She
invited me over for dinner! She
said
you should come too.
JERRY
Tonight?
DONNA
Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna
have to cancel my acupuncture class.
[goes to phone]
[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly
exchange looks.]
[Same day. At the Costanzas', are
GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE
just entered. ESTELLE's snacking
watching TV.]
GEORGE
All right. Let me just say one
thing: there is no way that this
is goin'
to happen. No Way! Because if you
think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings,
you're out of your minds!!!
ESTELLE
[calmly] We're not getting divorced.
FRANK
You mother changed her mind.. [tries
to catch a fly with his hand]
GEORGE
[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's
Very good! I'm very glad to hear
that.
FRANK
Yeah. We worked it out.
GEORGE
All right. So let me ask you a
question. Who was the man in the
cape?
FRANK
He was my lawyer.
GEORGE
You lawyer wears a cape..?
FRANK
Yeah. So what?
GEORGE
Who wears a cape?
FRANK
He's very independent; doesn't
follow the trends.
ESTELLE
He looks ridiculous in that thing..
FRANK
You have no eye for fashion!!!
ESTELLE
I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!
GEORGE
All right! Come on!
Let's not fight.
FRANK and ESTELLE
All right! All right!
ESTELLE
Georgie's right.
GEORGE
So what made you change your mind?
ESTELLE
It was that Chinese woman.
[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving,
DONNA CHANG is with him.]
JERRY
So I'm curious. What'd you tell
Mrs. Costanza that changed her
mind?
DONNA
I mentioned a few bits of wisdom
from Confucius.
JERRY
[pause] Confucius, huh?
DONNA
Yeah.
JERRY
[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...
[The Costanzas again. They open
the door for JERRY and DONNA.]
JERRY
Hey! I heard the good news!
FRANK
Jerry: how come you didn't say
hello to me the other day, huh?!
JERRY
Elaine was.. in a rush.
FRANK
I knew it was Elaine!!
DONNA
You must be Estelle.
ESTELLE
Yes. Who are you..?
DONNA
I'm Donna Chang!
ESTELLE
You're not Chinese!
[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment.
NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on
the
couch when the phone rings. KRAMER
picks it up. Scene cuts back and
forth between ELAINE and them.]
KRAMER
Hello?
ELAINE
Paul?
KRAMER
Elaine!
ELAINE
Kramer?
KRAMER
[pause] Yeahh!
ELAINE
What're you doin' there?
KRAMER
Wellll, isn't it obvious?
ELAINE
Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?
KRAMER
Yes, she is..
ELAINE
Well? Can I talk to her?
KRAMER
What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?
ELAINE
[tired] Fine--would you just put
her on?
KRAMER
Well, I feel it'd be best if you
just didn't talk to her for a while..
ELAINE
You feel?
KRAMER
That's right!
She an' I have had a very long
talk. An' I was appalled to learn
of the
destructive influence you've had
over her life lo these many years..
ELAINE
What are you insane?!
KRAMER
From now, on, I'll be calling the
shots around here..
ELAINE
Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna
tell her?
KRAMER
Well. I've encouraged her to go
back into the Army..
There she'll get the structure
an' the discipline she needs right
now..
And she'll have qualified officers
telling her what to do..
ELAINE
Uh! Kramer! You have got to let
me talk to her!
KRAMER
Can't help ya, kid.
[Back at the Costanzas'. Still
daylight.]
ESTELLE
You're not Chinese!?!?
DONNA
[pause] No.
ESTELLE
I thought you were Chinese!!
DONNA
I'm from Long Island.
ESTELLE
Long Island?!?!
I thought I was gettin' advice
from a Chinese woman!!
DONNA
I'm sorry..?
ESTELLE
Well! Then, that changes everything!
GEORGE
What?!
ESTELLE
She's not Chinese; I was duped!!
GEORGE
So what?! She gave you advice;
what's the difference if she's
not Chi
nese?!?!
ESTELLE
I'm not taking advice from some
girl from Long Island!! [goes into
KITCHEN]
GEORGE
[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now
you're getting a divorce because
she's from Long Island?!?!
FRANK
[from the living room, standing,
shouts after them] You want a
divorce?!!? You got one!!!
JERRY
[pause, to DONNA] You know, you
might wanna think about changin'
your
name..
[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking
down the street.]
ELAINE
So, ever since she started dating
Kramer, she won't even talk to
me!
JERRY
Well--Noreen listened to you like
George's mother listened to the
Chinese.
ELAINE
[pause] You know, everybody listens
to the Chinese.
I mean, look at the fortune cookie.
You couldn't get away with that
in
any other restaurant.
JERRY
[has just bought a newspaper out
of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading
any rolled-up messages in a knish..
[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets
out.]
GEORGE
Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
I predicted it! [hits cab roof
twice, it drives off]
Saw both of them today!
What a disaster!
I'm runnin' all over Queens. First
I saw my mother. We had lunch
together. Never had, Lunch, with
my mother before--it's like a date!
Then we drive down to Kew Gardens!
Tons of traffic! I see my father.
We
played "Clue"! All day with this!
[KRAMER sticks his head out of
his (or Jerry's) apartment window,
shouts
down to them.]
KRAMER
Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer
name might live on! Noreen's late!
She's laaate!!
[During credit roll. Night on the
Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over
the
edge, the wind blowing up on her
face. Then a man in a black cape
edges
over to her cautiously, reaches
and holds her forearm.]
NOREEN
Who are you?!
MAN
[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank
Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her
get
back off (and out of view of the
camera).]
THE END
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