THE FINALE PART 1
Written by
Larry David
(Monologue, on stage)
JERRY
It seems like whenever these office
people call you in for a meeting, the
whole thing is about the sitting down.
I would really like to sit down with
you. I think we need to sit down and
talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll
sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting
down doesn't work. People get mad at
the sitting.You know, we've been sitting
here for I don't know how long. How
much longer are we just going to sit
here? I'll tell you what I think we
should do. I think we should all sleep
on it. Maybe we're not getting down
low enough. Maybe if we all lie down,
then our brains will work.
(Jerry and George at Monks)
GEORGE
I can't eat this without catsup. Would
it kill her to check up on us? Would
that be a terrible thing? "How's everything?
Do you need anything? What can I do
for you?"
JERRY
I know what you mean.
GEORGE
Do ya?
JERRY
It's like going out with someone and
you never hear from them again.
GEORGE
Same thing!
JERRY
Not really, but it's something. Ask
the people behind you.
GEORGE
Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?
WOMAN
What do you think? You want to give
him the catsup?
MAN
It's up to you.
WOMAN
You know what? I don't think so. I'm
going to need it from time to time.
JERRY
So what are you doing later? You want
to go to the movies?
GEORGE
Nah - what for?
JERRY
To see a movie.
GEORGE
I've been to the movies.
JERRY
Not this movie.
GEORGE
They're all the same. You go, you sit,
you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick
of it.
JERRY
Did you shower today?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
That's usually the kind of mood I'm
in when I haven't showered.
GEORGE
When is it going to be my turn, Jerry?
When do I get my 15 minutes? I want
my 15 minutes!
JERRY
Oh, quit complaining. At least you have
your health.
GEORGE
Ah! Health's not good enough. I want
more than health. Health's not doing
it for me anymore. I'm sick
of health.
WOMAN
All right, we're done. You can have
it now.
GEORGE
Oh, very gracious.
(Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk.
Kramer and Elaine drive up.)
MAN
Nice day
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
What is that?
KRAMER
Hey! JoJo!
JERRY
Ey, ey!
ELAINE
All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.
KRAMER
No, thank you. So what are you doing?
JERRY
Nothing.
KRAMER
Come on, let's go to the beach.
GEORGE
What are you crazy?
KRAMER
What? It's a beautiful day.
JERRY
Have a good time.
KRAMER
Yeah, there's something in the air today.
You feel it? There's something in the
air.
JERRY
You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?
KRAMER
Yeah, there's something in the air.
(Kramer drives off)
ELAINE
Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi,
it's Elaine. How is your father? Is
everything okay? What? I can't hear
you so good. There's a lot of static.
Wha? I'm going to call you back.
JERRY
Jill's father is in the hospital and
you call to ask about him on a cell
phone?
ELAINE
What? No good?
JERRY
Faux pas.
ELAINE
Faux pas?
GEORGE
Big hefty stinking faux pas.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
You can't make a health inquiry on a
cell phone. It's like saying "I don't
want to take up any of my important time
in my home so I'll just get it out of the way
on the street."
GEORGE
On-the-street cell-phone call is the
lowest phone call you can make.
JERRY
It's an act of total disregard. It's
selfish.
GEORGE
It's dismissive.
JERRY
It's pompous.
GEORGE
Why don't you think before you do something?
ELAINE
Here's a thought - Bye bye.
(Exit Elaine)
GEORGE
Too much?
(Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine
- that whole phone business - she should
know better than that.
JERRY
Hey - hey - hey!
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
Where do you think this relationship
is? If you are thinking of instituting
an open-door urination policy, let me
disabuse you of that notion right now,
my friend.
GEORGE
You're so uptight.
JERRY
Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee
party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket.
We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee
party.
(Jerry listens to his answering machine)
PHONE TAPE
Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling
from James Kimbrough's office at NBC.
Could you please give us a call? Thanks.
JERRY
Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld
calling for James Kimbrough. Hello?
Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem,
definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.
GEORGE
Who's he?
JERRY
He is the new president of NBC. He wants
to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."
GEORGE
Our show, "Jerry"?
JERRY
Right.
GEORGE
"Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk
about "Jerry"?
JERRY
Yeah!
GEORGE
When?
JERRY
Today, like right now.
GEORGE
Right now? "Jerry"?
JERRY
"Jerry"!
GEORGE
He wants to talk about "Jerry"?
JERRY
He wants to talk about "Jerry"!
GEORGE
"Jerry"!
JERRY
"Jerry"!
GEORGE
Can I go like this?
JERRY
Sure!
GEORGE
No sports jacket? I don't need a sports
jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.
JERRY
Forget the sports jacket.
GEORGE
I won't feel like a writer.
JERRY
You're not a writer.
GEORGE
Right!
(Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC)
GEORGE
Water. Need some water! Water here!
JERRY
Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes
in here like the last time.
GEORGE
Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.
JERRY
Don't blow this.
GEORGE
I will not blow this.
JERRY
If he says he doesn't want it to be
a show about nothing, don't go nuts.
GEORGE
It's fine, it doesn't have to be about
nothing.
JERRY
He might not want nothing.
GEORGE
Something, nothing, I could care less.
JERRY
He might want a show about anything
and everything.
GEORGE
Anything, everything, something, nothing
- Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm
down!
JERRY
All right.
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you
GEORGE
Magic time.
JERRY
What?
(Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office)
RECEPTIONIST
Mr. Kimbrough.
STU
Hey, Jerry, good to see you.
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey!
STU
How you been?
JERRY
Good, good. You remember George.
STU
George, good to see you.
GEORGE
Hello Stu.
STU
You remember Jay Crespi.
GEORGE
Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay
Crespi?
STU
This is James Kimbrough.
KIMBROUGH
Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for
coming in.
GEORGE
Kimbrough.
JERRY
Don't spell.
GEORGE
K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H
KIMBROUGH
That's right.
GEORGE
It's a talent I have.
KIMBROUGH
Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.
GEORGE
Woo! Some day out there - You ever see
weather like that? Woo! It's crisp -
it's crispy crisp.
JERRY
Shut up, George.
KIMBROUGH
Can I get you anything?
GEORGE
What do we have in the fruit department?
JERRY
Oy.
STU
Pineapple.
GEORGE
Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like
a weapon that thing, got spikes on the
end. You can get killed from
one of those things.
KIMBROUGH
Anyway, let me tell you why I called.
When I took over here last month, I
reviewed what was in development,and
it was pretty much same old, same old.
GEORGE
Been there, done that.
KIMBROUGH
Right. I was looking for something different.
Something that would have people talking
at the water coolers.
GEORGE
Water coolers?
CRESPI
We call it a water-cooler show.
JERRY
Because the next day in the offices,
people gather around the water coolers
to talk about it, right?
GEORGE
See, I think people would talk about
it at the coffee machines.
JERRY
Well it's probably just easier to say
"water cooler show" than "coffee machine
show."
GEORGE
It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks
from a water cooler any more - they
use bottles.
JERRY
But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good
point.
KIMBROUGH
Anyway, Stu here started telling me
about a show, "Jerry", that he developed
five years ago.
STU
I have always loved it.
KIMBROUGH
He said it was a show about nothing.
So, I saw the pilot and I've got to
tell you - I flipped out.
CRESPI
He totally flipped out.
KIMBROUGH
What I want to do is put it on the air.
13-episode commitment. Start it off
on Wednesday night, build up an audience.
This show needs time to grow. I love that
Kramer guy.
JERRY
He's a little off the wall.
CRESPI
Oh yeah.
STU
Kramer.
KIMBROUGH
And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing
something happening between you two.
JERRY
Definitely.
GEORGE
I tell you, I really don't think so-called
relationship humor is what this show
is all about.
KIMBROUGH
Or we could not do the show altogether,
how about that?
GEORGE
Or we could get them together. Woo!
(George and Jerry attempt a hug outside
Mr. Kimbrough's office)
GEORGE
Yeah!
JERRY
Yeah!
(Elaine is at home using the phone when
Jerry calls to tell her the news)
ELAINE
Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling
from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just
calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm
getting another call. Hang on just a second.
Hello?
JERRY
Hi. Elaine, it's me.
ELAINE
Jerry, I'm on the other line.
JERRY
No no - this is an emergency - get off
the phone.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to
take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?
JERRY
The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show!
George and I are moving to California!
ELAINE
That's the emergency?
JERRY
Did you hear what I said?
ELAINE
I was on the other line talking to Jill.
JERRY
Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?
ELAINE
You said it was an emergency.
JERRY
So now she's lost a phone face-off?
That's even worse than your cell phone
walk-and-talk.
(Jerry is telling his parents the good
news about Jerry)
HELEN
Congratulations, they're doing the show.
MORTY
They should have put that show on 5
years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network.
Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's
all crap on TV. The only thing I watch
is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must
be about six-six.
HELEN
She's not six-six.
MORTY
Jerry, you ever watch that?
JERRY
Yeah, it's pretty good.
(George is telling his parents the news.)
ESTELLE
They picked up the show?
GEORGE
I'm moving to California.
FRANK
Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places,
I told you.
ESTELLE
The NBC guy liked it?
GEORGE
Of course he liked it.
ESTELLE
He told you he liked it?
GEORGE
He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like
it.
ESTELLE
Well, what are you doing?
GEORGE
I'm writing.
ESTELLE
You know how to write?
FRANK
Without the writing, you have nothing.
You're the ones that make them look
good.
ESTELLE
Since when do you know how to write?
I never saw you write anything.
GEORGE
Ma?!
ESTELLE
I don't know how you're going to write
all those shows. And where are you get
all the ideas?
FRANK
Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter
his confidence!
GEORGE
I don't need any ideas. It's a show
about nothing.
ESTELLE
Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth
- the whole thing sounds pretty stupid
to me.
(Jerry is on the phone with his agent,
Kramer walks in.)
JERRY
NBC is letting me use their private
jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's
fantastic! Thanks. Great.
Okay, bye.
KRAMER
Oh hey!
JERRY
Hey - how was the beach?
KRAMER
Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas
- some major femininas
JERRY
I had a little meeting today at NBC.
What are you doing?
KRAMER
You know, I went swimming and I can't
get this water out of my ear.
JERRY
So do you remember five years ago, we
did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new
guy at NBC wants to do it.
They're putting it on the air! They're
giving us a 13-episode commitment. George
and I are moving to California!
KRAMER
You're moving to California?
JERRY
Yeah, only for a while.
KRAMER
Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the
show's a hit? You could be out there
for years! You might never come back.
JERRY
No, I'll be back.
KRAMER
Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's
a seductress, she's a siren, she's a
virgin, she's a whore.
JERRY
And my agent said as a bonus, I can
use their private jet, so we'll all
go somewhere - the four of us, one big
fling before George and I go to California.
KRAMER
Fling!
(The group is sitting at their table at Monks)
ELAINE
So we can go anywhere we want?
JERRY
Anywhere.
ELAINE
Why are they doing this?
JERRY
I think they want to make it up to us
cause they let this thing sit on their
shelf for five years.
ELAINE
This is all very exciting.
GEORGE
So? Where are we going?
KRAMER
I say Japan.
ELAINE
Why Japan?
KRAMER
Oh - geishas - they cater to your every
whim. They're shy at first, but they're
quite skilled at conversation. They
can discuss anything from world affairs
to the fine art of fishing - or baking.
ELAINE
Oh - I got it - how about Russia?
JERRY
Russia, it's so bleak.
ELAINE
It's not bleak - it's springtime.
JERRY
It's still bleak.
ELAINE
You can't be bleak in spring.
JERRY
You can be bleak in spring.
GEORGE
If you're bleak, you're bleak.
ELAINE
What about Switzerland?
KRAMER
Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family,
huh?
GEORGE
It's a bit hilly - no?
ELAINE
You're not going to do any walking.
GEORGE
What if I want to walk around a little?
ELAINE
So then you'll walk down the hill and
we'll pick you up.
GEORGE
What if I'm at the bottom?
ELAINE
All right! You know what, just forget
it!
JERRY
Alright - come on - come on now, people.
Let's face it, we're not all going to
agree on anything.
Why don't we all just go to Paris?
ELAINE
I'll go to Paris.
GEORGE
Me too.
KRAMER
Oh yeah - oui oui.
JERRY
So that's it - it's settled, we're going
to Paris.
GROUP
Yeah!
(Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment)
ELAINE
Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep
beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call
Jill one more time before we go.
JERRY
Wait, you can't make a call like that
on your way out. You can't rush that
conversation.
ELAINE
Well, I can't call from the limo. Can
I call from the plane?
JERRY
First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk,
then she loses a call-waiting face-off,
now you're talking about
a plane call?
ELAINE
All right, I'll just have to call her
from Paris.
(Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello, Newman. What gives?
NEWMAN
I was speaking earlier with Kramer and
he mentioned something about a private
jet to Paris?
JERRY
Yeah, that's right.
NEWMAN
Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there
this time of year, and of course you
know I'm one-quarter French.
JERRY
Really.
NEWMAN
Oh yes, in fact I still have family
there. This probably won't interest
you, but I have a cousin there who's
suffering very badly. She's lost all
use of her muscles. She can only communicate
by blinking. I would so love to see
her - bring a ray of sunshine into her
tragic life. But alas, I can't afford
it, for I am, as you know, but a simple
postal worker.
JERRY
That's a shame.
NEWMAN
Take me! Take me!
JERRY
Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together.
You're making me sick. Be a man!
NEWMAN
All right! But hear me and hear me well
- The day will come. Oh yes, mark my
words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning
is coming. When an evil wind will blow
through your little playworld, and wipe
that smug smile off your face. And I'll be
there, in all my glory, watching - watching
as it all comes crumbling down.
(The group arrives by limo to the airport)
CAPTAIN
Ah, Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah.
CAPTAIN
I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot,
Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?
JERRY
All set. We'll just grab the bags.
CAPTAIN
Don't worry about that. We'll take care
of them for you.
JERRY
Just keeps on getting better and better.
(Our heroes enter the plane)
JERRY
Not bad.
ELAINE
Wow!
KRAMER
The only way to fly.
GEORGE
This is it?
(After take-off, the group chit-chats)
GEORGE
I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little
disappointed, I thought it would be
a lot nicer.
JERRY
You're complaining about a private jet?
GEORGE
You think this is the plane that Ted
Danson gets?
JERRY
Ted Danson is not even on the network
anymore.
GEORGE
Still, I bet when they gave him a plane,
it was a lot nicer than this one.
ELAINE
Will you shut up? You are ruining the
whole trip.
GEORGE
This is a real piece of junk. I don't
even feel safe on this thing. I have
a good mind to write a letter toMr.
Kimbrough.
JERRY
You're not writing any letters!
ELAINE
Will you turn around?
GEORGE
Why?
ELAINE
You are annoying me sitting like that.
It's effeminate.
GEORGE
It's effeminate to sit like this?
ELAINE
Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.
GEORGE
How is this effeminate?
ELAINE
I don't know - it just is.
GEORGE
Kramer, what are you doing?
JERRY
Still got water in your ear?
KRAMER
Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked
inside my brain.
GEORGE
Would you stop that? It's not safe to
be jumping up and down on a plane.
KRAMER
I got to get it out, I can't take this
anymore.
GEORGE
Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.
GEORGE
Kramer!
CAPTAIN
Hey, get the hell out of here!
ELAINE
What is that?
GEORGE
Oh my God!
ELAINE
What is that noise? What is that noise?
JERRY
Kramer, what the hell did you do?
KRAMER
I lost my balance.
ELAINE
Oh my God!
ELAINE
What's going on?
JERRY
Kramer!
KRAMER
It was an accident.
GEORGE
I told you to stop with the hopping.
ELAINE
Oh my God, we're going down. We're going
to die!
GEORGE
Just when I was doing great. I told
you God wouldn't let me be successful.
JERRY
Is this it? Is this how it ends? It
can't- it can't end like this.
KRAMER
I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!
GEORGE
Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
There's something I have to tell you.
JERRY
What? What is it?
GEORGE
I cheated in the contest.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
The contest - I cheated.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell
you.
JERRY
Great - I won.
ELAINE
Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.
JERRY
Yeah, Elaine I got something I want
to say to you.
ELAINE
No no - me first.
JERRY
Alright.
ELAINE
Jerry, I've always loved ..u..
GEORGE
Hey - What's going on?
KRAMER
We're straightening out!
ELAINE
We're straightening out?
JERRY
We're straightening out!
GEORGE
We're straightening out!
GROUP
Yeah!
(Outside the plane)
CAPTAIN
Well, again, sorry about that little
mishap. But once you get everything
checked out there shouldn't be anymore
problems.
JERRY
Where are we?
CAPTAIN
Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you
take a cab into town, get yourself something
to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll
beep you as soon as we're ready.
JERRY
Okay.
ELAINE
Okay.
JERRY
We'll see you later.
(In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts)
ELAINE
Well, what are we going to do about
Paris? I mean are we actually going
to get back on this plane?
JERRY
I say we go back to New York, and take
a regular flight.
GEORGE
I'm not getting on a regular plane now
- I'm all psyched up to go on a private
jet. No way I'm getting on a regular
plane.
ELAINE
Well, I'm sure that they would fly us
first class.
GEORGE
First class doesn't make it anymore.
Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough,
tell him what happened and tell him
to get another plane down here, but
this time, the good one - the Ted Danson
plane.
JERRY
Alright, I'll feel him out.
GEORGE
Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.
STRANGER
Nice day.
JERRY
Another one?
(A carjacking takes place in front of the group)
ROBBER
Alright fatso, out of the car.
KRAMER
I want to capture this.
ROBBER
Come on! Gimme your wallet.
VICTIM
Don't shoot.
JERRY
Well, there goes the money for the lipo.
ELAINE
See, the great thing about robbing a
fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You
know? They can't really chase ya!
GEORGE
He's actually doing him a favor. It's
less money for him to buy food.
ROBBER
I want your wallet. Come on. Come on,
come on.
JERRY
That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call
NBC.
VICTIM
Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer,
I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint!
He took my wallet, everything!
JERRY
Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get
another plane.
KRAMER
All right, what's wrong with the plane
we got? They're just checking it out.
ELAINE
Forget it.
JERRY
No, no, no. We're not getting on there.
Come on, let's go get something to eat
in Sticksville.
OFFICER
All right, hold it right there.
KRAMER
What?
OFFICER
You're under arrest.
JERRY
Under arrest? What for?
OFFICER
Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal
Code.
ELAINE
What? No, no - we didn't do anything.
OFFICER
That's exactly right. The law requires
you to help or assist anyone in danger
as long as it's reasonable todo so.George:
I never heard of that.
OFFICER
It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan
Law. Let's go.
(In a cell, at the Latham County Jail)
ELAINE
The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?
GEORGE
Why would we want to help somebody?
ELAINE
I know.
GEORGE
That's what nuns and Red Cross workers
are for.
KRAMER
The Samaritans were an ancient tribe
- very helpful to people.
ELAINE
Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you
tell me what kind of law this is.
DEPUTY
Well, they just passed it last year.
It's modeled after the French law. I
heard about it after Princess Diana
was killed and all those photographers
were just standing around.
JERRY
Oh, yeah.
ELAINE
Oh, yeah.
DEPUTY
You're the first ones to be arrested
on it, probably in the whole country.
GEORGE
All right, so what's the penalty here?
Let's just pay the fine or something
and get the hell out of here.
DEPUTY
Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the
law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000
and as much as five years in prison.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Oh no no no no - we have to be in California
next week. We're starting a TV show.
DEPUTY
California? Oh gosh, I don't think so.
Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted.
Better get yourselves a good lawyer.
(Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office)
CHILES
Who told you to put the cheese on? Did
I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't
tell you to put the cheese on.
(The phone rings)
SECRETARY
Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.
CHILES
You people with the cheese. It never
ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.
Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of
it. You don't have to help anybody.
That's what this country's all about.
That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable.
Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment
with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me.
I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right
away.
PROSECUTOR
So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?
D.A. HOYT
Uh huh. You know what that means. This
whole place is going to be swarming
with media by the time this thing is
over. You're not going to be able to
find a hotel room in this town. The
whole country is going to be watching
us. Now we got to do whatever it takes
to win it, no matter what the cost.
The big issue in this trial is going
to be character. I want you to find out
everything you can about these people
- and I mean everything.
THE END
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