THE INVITATIONS
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I think that if the wedding invitations
were left up to the men, we'd just drive
around sticking flyers in windshields
...y' know... Not even typed up either,
just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!..
What's needed is a divorce announcement;
Mr and Mrs Fred Johnson are requesting
the honour of your presence at the "returning"
of their daughter back to Mr,and Mrs
Fred Johnson.
(Outside Melody Stationeries)
Susan and George walk into the store and go up the sales clerk.
SUSAN
Hi.
CLERK
Hi.. May I help you?
SUSAN
Yes, we'd like some wedding invitations.
CLERK
Ohh! Well...Congratulations
SUSAN
(happily) Thank you.
GEORGE
(mildly embarrassed) yeah.. Thank you.
CLERK
When 's the wedding?
SUSAN
June
GEORGE
late June.
CLERK
Oh! Well, we have quite a few to pick
from ( turns around and picks up a huge
binder)
They're arranged in order of price , the most expensive are in
the front.
George takes the binder and feigns browsing and flips right to
the last page.
GEORGE
He..hmmm. humm...What about this one.
CLERK
Hmmm,..to tell you the truth they haven't
manufactured that one for a number of
years.
I might have couple of boxes left in our warehouse in New Jersey.
I'd have to check.
SUSAN
Oh! no. George that's so ugly we don't
want that.
GEORGE
What's the difference you just read
it and mail it right back. These we'll
do.
SUSAN
Why don't they make'em anymore?
CLERK
Well.. For one thing the glue isn't
very adhesive. It takes a lot of moisture
to make them stick.
GEORGE
So we pick up some Elmers
SUSAN
(disappointed)All right. You see what
I do for you.
Scene cuts to the street as Susan and George are about to get
into a cab. Kramer happens to walk by.
GEORGE
Hey! Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey! George.....Lily..
SUSAN
No. Susan.
KRAMER
No. No It's Lily
SUSAN
I think I know my own name.
GEORGE
It's Susan
KRAMER
(lost for words) Well you look like
a Lily...
Scene cuts to Jerry's apt. George walks in . Jerry is coming
out of his bedroom twiddling scissors.
GEORGE
It's coming Jerry, it's coming.
JERRY
What's coming?
GEORGE
The Day..
JERRY
Ahhh...The Day..
GEORGE
We ordered the wedding invitations today,,
Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's
here! It's
happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look
at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic)
Help me Jerry , help me.
JERRY
why don't you just break it off with
her. tell her it's over
GEORGE
I can't
JERRY
Why not?
George; 'Cause I can't face that scene. You know what kind of
scene that would be? i'd rather be unhappy
for the rest of my life than go through something like that.
(forceful) I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
I tried to psyche myself up a million times I cannot go through
that.
JERRY
All right take it easy, just take it
easy.
GEORGE
What about a letter?
JERRY
A letter.
GEORGE
I...I...write a letter and then I..I
go to China. I disappear in a sea of
people for like
six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm..
Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry.
I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.
JERRY
That's it?
GEORGE
What? Too short?
BOTH
Seems a little short, yeah..
JERRY
You can't go to China What about your
job?
GEORGE
My Job..arghhh
JERRY
So write a letter.. move to another...move
to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend
in a sea of people in
Staten Island than China believe me.
GEORGE
Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about
my clothes ,how do I get the rest of
the clothes?
JERRY
Aagh! You come back for your clothes
GEORGE
I'm not going back in there.
JERRY
So forget about your clothes.
GEORGE
Well I'm not starting up a whole new
wardrobe now!!!
Jerry; Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no
freedom with clothes.
GEORGE
If she'd just take a plane somewhere.
JERRY
And what, hope for a crash?
GEORGE
It happens.
JERRY
You know what the odds are on a crash
it's a million to one.
GEORGE
It's something . It's hope.
Elaine comes through the door
ELAINE
Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie.
You know what I just realized; the wedding
is like a month
away.ha..haa..
JERRY
Euhh...Elaine....
ELAINE
What?...Oh! by the way. What am I going
to be in the wedding party?
GEORGE
What do you mean?
ELAINE
Well Jerry's gonna be the best man and
Kramer's gonna be the usher so what
am I gonna be?
GEORGE
I don't know. I don't think you're anything.
ELAINE
Wel...I have to be something. I 'm a
close friend....What about being a bridesmaid.
GEORGE
Those are Susan's friends.
ELAINE
Well then...aaahh how about being an
usher?
GEORGE
Well...I'll ask Susan about it later.
ELAINE
You don't ask.. You tell.
GEORGE
( to Jerry) What about the letter, should
I think about the letter?
JERRY
Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a
relationship with you . What could he
do?
ELAINE
Start smoking.
GEORGE
Smoking.
JERRY
Does she hate cigarettes?
GEORGE
Yes, she hates cigarettes.
JERRY
But you don't smoke.
GEORGE
Nooooooo......
Scene cuts to Jerry and Elaine walking
JERRY
You know, I think I'm getting a little
depressed about George's wedding.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah. Well once he gets married that's
it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll
move to Westchester.
I'll never see him again.
ELAINE
Yeah! You're probably right.
JERRY
Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer.
ELAINE
No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up
much longer. I'm sick of being single.
I'm getting out.
JERRY
So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.
ELAINE
Yep! just you and Kramer.
Elaine walks away
JERRY
See you ... me and Kramer...
Daydreaming sequence set in Jerry's apt. in a probable future.
Kramer pops in. They look a
little older.
KRAMER
Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention
for driving. A periscope in a car, so
you can see
the traffic.
JERRY
(annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking
through a periscope? Besides it's not
a submarine
and there's no room for a periscope in a car.
KRAMER
Huh! You make a higher roof.
JERRY
They're not making higher roofs.
KRAMER
why can't you make a higher roof.
JERRY
Because it's a stupid idea. No one's
gonna go for it. Don't you understand
It's stupid ,stupid...
As Jerry slowly comes out of his doze he is about to cross the
street as a car comes to him at high speed.
JERRY
.....Stupid , stupid.
JEANNIE
Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back
saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?
JERRY
Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved
my life.
JEANNIE
Shouldn't there be some kind of reward
for that.
JERRY
oh! thank you.
JEANNIE
You know you should be a lot more careful
crossing the street like that, otherwise
you could die..
If that bothers you.
JERRY
Well I...
JEANNIE
You see..(points to his collar) To me
this is a waste.
JERRY
What?
JEANNIE
The shirt you got on under your sweather.It
sits for three weeks in your drawer,
waiting to come
out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch
out of your collar.
JERRY
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
JEANNIE
Jeannie Steinman.
JERRY
Hey! Same initials . How do you like
that?
JEANNIE
I like it.
George and Susan at their apt.
GEORGE
Listen I was talking to Elaine today
and she said she'd would really like
to be an usher at the
wedding
SUSAN
No. Out of the question. I don't want
any women ushers at my wedding and while
we're on the
subject, Kramer is not an usher either.
George; Why not?
SUSAN
He doesn't even know my name.
GEORGE
That was an honest mistake.
SUSAN
Nah! He's too weird he'd fall or something.
He'd ruin the whole ceremony.
George takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out.
GEORGE
Yeah! You're right.. You're probably
right.
SUSAN
Whadda doing?
GEORGE
(shrugs and lights it up)
SUSAN
Since when do you smoke?
GEORGE
(coughs) I've always smoked.
SUSAN
I've never seen you smoke.
GEORGE
Oh yeeah.. well , Big smoker... I (coughs
some more) gave it up for a while but
it was too tough.
Y' know.....I got no will power.
SUSAN
I don't like this one bit.
GEORGE
Well(coughs) I can't stop now...(coughs)
I'm addicted...(words missing)
SUSAN
Well you are gonna have to quit.
George sprints to the bathroom
GEORGE
Oh my god....
At Monks.
WAITRESS
Menus?
JERRY
No. I know what I want.
WAITRESS
The usual?
JERRY
Yeah.,
WAITRESS
And for you?
JEANNIE
I'll have a bowl of Cheerios , not to
much milk.
WAITRESS
Ok Two bowls of Cheerios.
JEANNIE
You too.?...
JERRY
Yeah!!!
At Jerry's. Kramer comes in Jerry is on the couch.
KRAMER
Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner
is offering a 100 dollars if you go
in there and they
don't greet you with a hello?
JERRY
Uh! Really .That's nice.
KRAMER
Now what's with you?
JERRY
I think I'm in love.
KRAMER
Oh. Come on.
JERRY
No it's true. This woman saved my life.
I was crossing the street .I was almost
hit by a car...and then
we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
KRAMER
If a guy saved your life you'd be in
love with him too.
JERRY
No, no this woman is different , she's
incredible. she's just like me. She
talks like me, she acts like me.
She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same
initials. Wait a minute, I just realised
what's going on.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Now I know what I've been looking for
all these years......myself! (Kramer
is speechless)
I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself
off my feet.
KRAMER
You stop it man.. you're FREAKING ME
OUT!!!
At the HOME FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK Kramer walks up to a teller.
KRAMER
Hey!
TELLER
Hey!
KRAMER
Hey! wait a second. You didn't say hello.
TELLER
Yes I did
KRAMER
No no you didn't ...Hundred dollars..
I get a hundred dollars.
TELLER
No, No I said Hello.
KRAMER
No, No You said Hey!
TELLER
Well.. Hey! is Hello, same thing.
Kramer; The add said that the bank's gonna pay a hundred dollars
if you are not greeted with a hello
TELLER
You're taking that much to literally.
Now sir , do you have any business to
transact.
KRAMER
No, I want to speak to the manager.
TELLER
Well, He's not here right now.
KRAMER
Then I'll be back.
In Jerry's hallway
ELAINE
So I'm not gonna be an usher?
GEORGE
No..
ELAINE
So I'm nothing. Jerry is best man ,
Kramer is an usher and I am nothing.
GEORGE
Well Kramer's not an usher anymore.
Kramer; What are you talking about?
GEORGE
You've been demoted.
Kramer; Why?
GEORGE
Because you called her by the wrong
name.
KRAMER
But she really looks like a Lily
ELAINE
Jerry ( as they come into the apt.)
Jerry, Susan says I can't be an usher
at he wedding.
KRAMER
Yeah. me neither.
JERRY
(shrugs) Hey George I think I want to
bring a date to the wedding
GEORGE
Who!!?
JERRY
I just met her, she's incredible.
ELAINE
Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm
gonna be stuck at the singles table
with all the losers.
JERRY
You can go with Kramer
KRAMER
No , no no no no. Weddings are a great
place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.
GEORGE
Do you see what this is turning in to?
Do I need this. I have to get out of
this thing.
ELAINE
Did you try the cigarettes?
GEORGE
Yeah.. They made me sick.
KRAMER
All right, All right. Lets get down
here. You really want to get out of
this thing ?
GEORGE
Yeah...
KRAMER
All right. I got two words for you;
Pre-Nup.
GEORGE
What does that mean?
KRAMER
Ask her to sign a pre-nup.
GEORGE
What does that do?
KRAMER
Because most women when they're asked
to sign a pre-nup are so offended they
back out of the marriage.
GEORGE
They are?... Elaine?
ELAINE
I wouldn't sign one.
GEORGE
Pre-nup of course ..Kramer....
KRAMER
Get out of here.
George and Susan at their apt.
GEORGE
Hi.
SUSAN
Hi. Hey I've been going over the list
.What about The Drake? Wanna invite
him?
GEORGE
Yeah. Got to invite The Drake. Listen
hem...there's something that's been
on my mind and
we haven't really talked about it..I t's kind of important to
me.
SUSAN
What is it?
GEORGE
Well I I ..put a lot of thought into
this and I think I would like you to
sign a prenuptual agreement.
SUSAN
A pre-nup?
GEORGE
Yeah.
SUSAN
(burst out laughing)
GEORGE
What's so funny?
SUSAN
Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money.
I make more money than you do. ha. ha.
ha.
Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...
Cheesy scenes of Jerry and Jeannie enjoying each other in the
park , at the grocery store, comparing
comic books and making out. Interrupted by Kramer as he slams
into Jerry's locked door.
JERRY
Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)
KRAMER
Jerry.... hey Jeannie.
JEANNIE
Hello.
KRAMER
Remember I told you about the bank?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah well I went in there and they said
Hey!
JERRY
Hey is the same thing as hello. What
do you think Jeannie.
JEANNIE
Yeah I think it's the same thing.
KRAMER
Oh! Big surprise ( he leaves frustrated)
Scene takes us to George's again. We hear a buzzer.
DELIVERY MAN
Delivery from Melody Stationaries.
SUSAN
Oh those are the invitations.
DELIVERY MAN
Just sign there.
SUSAN
yeah! Thank you.
GEORGE
See ya later.
SUSAN
Urgh.. these are so cheap. (as George
leaves) And don't forget tommorrow we're
going shopping for some rings, so don't make any plans...and
this time we're not skimping.
To Jerry's again
KRAMER
Hey
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Jeannie left?
JERRY
Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight.
KRAMER
Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure
that's right up her alley.
JERRY
What's with you?
KRAMER
Nothin'
JERRY
Something on your mind?
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Looks like there is?
KRAMER
No
JERRY
Come on. Something's on your mind. Out
with it.
KRAMER
I don't like her.
JERRY
You don't like her?
KRAMER
That's right I don't like , I never
like her from the get-go.
JERRY
What's wrong with her?
KRAMER
Everything she thinks. you think. Everything
you think she thinks. No I can't take
it.
I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.
JERRY
Well you can't take her maybe you can't
take me either.
KRAMER
So THAT's how it's going to be
JERRY
That's how it's gonna be.
KRAMER
OH! GOD HELP US!!!
Susan licking envelopes
SUSAN
Eurk.. Awful
Jerry at the pier watching lovers and families considering his
future and we get another look
at Susan licking her envelopes, getting nauseous.
Back to the Federal Home Savings Bank
MANAGER
May i help you?
KRAMER
Yeah. uh..I was in here the other day
and I went up to that teller and he
didn't say hello.
MANAGER
Then you are entitled to a hundred dollars.
That's our policy.
KRAMER
yeah., but he wouldn't give me the money.
MANAGER
Hehummm.. JIM...Can I see you for a
second
JIM
Uh.. yes can you give me a minute.
Manager; Yea....hum......He'll be. hum.. right over.(awkward
pause)
KRAMER
(knocks on desk) Is thi oak?
MANAGER
'think it's pine.
KRAMER
Pine is good.
MANAGER
Yeah. pine's okay.
Jim the teller walks over
JIM
You want to see me
MANAGER
Yeah... Hum..Jim , a man here says came
in the other day , you didn't say hello?
JIM
No ,No that's not true, I said Hey!
you know like a friendly greeting, Hey!
KRAMER
But that's not Hello.
MANAGER
That's a tough one.
KRAMER
Uhummm...
MANAGER
You know what , let me bring some other
people in on this...Barbara ,Jane ,
Mike Can I see you please.
BARBARA
How you doin'?
JANE
What's happening?
MIKE
What's up?
MANAGER
( to kramer) Can you excuse us for one
minute . Just one minute.
Kramer gets up a little confused and walks away.
MANAGER
Thanks.( they huddle)
SOME GUY
How's it going?
MANAGER
Thanks, thanks everybody.( they leave)
Sir , have a seat.
MANAGER
Well , we've discussed this, here's
the feeling. You got a greeting starts
with an H how's twenty bucks sound.
KRAMER
I'll take it.
MANAGER
awright sir ( they shake hands)
Scene cuts to the Improv as Jerry walks into the club and sees
Jeannie sitting at a table
JERRY
Will you marry me?
Susan licks her last envelope and collapses. George is walking
down a street looking depressed.
We go back to the Improv.
JERRY
I would like to propose a toast....Wait
a second.. George!, George Costanza
come in here.
JEANNIE
Georgie boy..
JERRY
George, big news; I'm getting married!!
GEORGE
Married , What!(astounded)
JERRY
September 21st, first day of Autumn.
Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful
colors.
JEANNIE
... all that crap.
JERRY
You see , I kept up my end of the pact.
GEORGE
Good for you (sympathetic)
JERRY
Hey look , Champagne..
GEORGE
Hehehe. .(feebly)
JERRY
To our future wives....yeah...
George returns home only to find..... Scene then cuts to Monks
with Jerry and Jeannie arriving.
JERRY
Well it's been quite a night I could
sure use a cup of coffee.
JEANNIE
Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how
do they get the caffeine out of there
and then
where does it go?
JERRY
(weakly) I dunno
A guy suddenly gets up to leave then falls on the ground.
JEANNIE
That's a shame..
JERRY
(to waitress) I' ll just have a cup
of coffee.
JEANNIE
Bowl of Corn flakes.
JERRY
More cereals? that's your third bowl
today, you had it for breakfast and
lunch.
JEANNIE
Hey! So what's the deal with brunch
, I mean that if it's a combination
of breakfast and lunch.
How comes there's no lupper or no linner.
Back to Jerry's , Kramer comes in..
KRAMER
Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.
JERRY
Thanks , thanks
KRAMER
Look I'm sorry about before....I mean
I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry
JERRY
Yeah , yeah .
KRAMER
C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?
JERRY
I think I may have made a big mistake.
KRAMER
Oh! Come on.
JERRY
All of a sudden it hit me, I realized
what the problem is; I can't be with
someone like me..
I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite
of me....It's too much. .It's too Much
I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!
KRAMER
(mocking) Too bad you got engaged.
JERRY
Yeah! Too bad.
Phone rings, Jerry picks it up.
JERRY
Hello. Oh! Hi George.......What! ..really!
All right I'll call Elaine , we'll meet
you down there.
KRAMER
What happened?
JERRY
They just took Susan to the Hospital
At the hospital.
JERRY
So she was just lying there.
GEORGE
Tsss...Yeah..
ELAINE
I wonder what happened?
GEORGE
I don't know....hmmm ha! here's the
doctor.
DOCTOR
Excuse me , Are you the husband?
GEORGE
Well , not yet.. Fiancé.
DOCTOR
Well , I'm sorry.....She's gone.
GEORGE
.........What's that?...
DOCTOR
She expired.
GEORGE
...Are you sure?
DOCTOR
Yes , of course.
GEORGE
So.....She's dead?
DOCTOR
Yes
GEORGE
...Huh!
DOCTOR
Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed
to any kind of inexpensive glue?
GEORGE
...Why?
DOCTOR
We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive
commonly found in very low priced envelopes.
GEORGE
Well she was sending out our wedding
invitations.
DOCTOR
That's probably what did it.
GEORGE
We were expecting about two hundred
people...Well...Thank you , thank you.
Doctor leaves , George returns to the others
GEORGE
She's ahem....gone
JERRY
Dead?
ELAINE
I'm so sorry George
JERRY
Yeah! me too
KRAMER
Poor Lily..
JERRY
How did it happen?
GEORGE
Apparently the glue in the wedding invitations
was a....toxic.
ALL
Aah!..
KRAMER
Well that's weird
JERRY
So I guess , you're not getting married?
GEORGE
(embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained
jubilation) Yes.
JERRY
But....
GEORGE
Yeah?
JERRY
Well , now I'm engaged..
GEORGE
Yeah?...
JERRY
Well I thought we'd both be getting
married.
GEORGE
Hey!.. What can I tell ya.
ELAINE
All right. (they start to leave except
Jerry)
GEORGE
well humm.. lets get some coffee.
JERRY
WE HAD A PACT!!!
(George at home on the phone)
GEORGE
Yes I'd like to speak to Marisa Tomei,
please? Marisa, Hi it's George Costanza..
I'm the short, funny, quirky bald man
you met a little while ago, heh! yeah
I was just calling 'cos I wanted you
to know that I'm not engaged anymore......well
huh, She died....Toxic glue from the
wedding invitations.....well we were
expecting about two hundred people.
Yeah... Anyway.. hum I got the funeral
tomorrow but huh.. my weekend is pretty
wide open and I was wondering... (dial
tone interrupts George)..... Hello...Hello..
THE END
|
