THE NOSE JOB
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to
be two-and-a-half
feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't
be down there
on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots,
nuclear
physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be
two-and-a-half
feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread
out, give me
some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could
see is typing
everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get
all the words on
there, keep the paper in the- it's a little piece of paper, in
the roller of the
typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah,
I'd like to
get this prescription filled." "Alright, and you wait down there,
only I'm
allowed up here."
First scene.
Jerry and George are at a newsstand.
GEORGE
Where'd you meet her?
JERRY
I met her on an elevator.
GEORGE
On an elevator? You met a woman on an
elevator?
JERRY
Impossible, right?
GEORGE
You got less than sixty seconds. That's
like dismantling a time bomb.
What got into you?
JERRY
I don't know. She was so beautiful,
it was like a pure reflex. The
words just came out of my mouth.
GEORGE
Wow. What'd you say?
(flashback to Jerry and Isabel on the elevator)
JERRY
You know, I'm the one responsible for
those crop circles in England.
(end of flashback)
GEORGE
Wow.
JERRY
Can you believe I did that?
GEORGE
What did she say?
(another flashback)
ISABEL
What crop circles?
(end of flashback)
JERRY
Not a good sign.
GEORGE
Not everybody knows what the crop circles
are. (to the newsstand
owner) Do you know what the crop circles are?
NEWSSTAND OWNER
Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?
JERRY
You got something in your teeth there.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
It's green.
GEORGE
Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking
around like this all
afternoon.
JERRY
Did you bump into anybody you knew?
GEORGE
I had a job interview.
JERRY
How'd it go?
GEORGE
Take a guess.
(flashback to George's job interview, with close-ups of George's
spinached
teeth.)
INTERVIEWER
Well, Mr. Costanza, we have nothing
available at the present time,
but should anything open up, we'll be in touch.
GEORGE
Ok, thanks.
(end of flashback)
JERRY
What do you need a job, you got Audrey.
GEORGE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
What's the matter?
GEORGE
Oh, nothing.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
You won't think I'm a bad person?
JERRY
Too late for that.
GEORGE
'Cause believe me, I would only say
this to you and maybe a
psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.
JERRY
Yeah, she's got a big nose.
GEORGE
I mean, big would even be ok, a little
beyond big.
(momentary flashback to Audrey's tremendous nose)
JERRY
It's a schnoz.
GEORGE
Now, I'm aware that my own physical
dimensions are perhaps a little
short of perfection.
JERRY
A little.
GEORGE
So who am I to be thinking about someone's
nose? I mean, I should be
grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing.
But I have
to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the
nose. I don't
ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed
at night, I tell
myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I
think about it. I
look at her, I see nose.
JERRY
Stop being so concerned with looks.
(momentary flashback to Isabel giving Jerry her number)
JERRY
Have you said anything to her about
it?
GEORGE
I could never do that. You know the
ironic thing is if she had a
smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first
place. She'd be
out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her,
I know that. And
I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.
JERRY
Alright, shut up, here they come.
GEORGE
How can I not think about it? Look at
the size of this thing.
New scene.
Jerry, Elaine, George, Audrey and Kramer are sharing a pizza
at Jerry's
apartment.
KRAMER
So my mother's going out with this guy
who leaves a jacket in her house
so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows
up and he
takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail
fraud. So
Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell
the landlord that
you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
ELAINE
Won't the landlord know I'm not the
daughter?
KRAMER
No no, he's never met her. She's in
California.
ELAINE
Are you coming with me?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiancé,
Peter Von Nostrand.
GEORGE
Why don't you just commit yourself already?
AUDREY
What is so special about this jacket?
ELAINE
He believes it possesses some extraordinary
power over women.
AUDREY
What's the smudge on your hand?
KRAMER
Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge
last night. Yeah, I'm going
back there tonight, you know, I'm not gonna pay another cover
charge.
GEORGE
What, you didn't wash all day?
KRAMER
Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You
wouldn't believe the women at
this club. Ohh, man.
AUDREY
It's amazing how many beautiful women
live in New York. I actually
find it kind of intimidating.
KRAMER
Well, you're as pretty as any of them,
you just need a nose job.
ELAINE
Kramer!
KRAMER
What? What?
ELAINE
How could you say something like that?!
KRAMER
What? What do you mean? I just said
she needs a nose job.
ELAINE
No no, there's nothing wrong with her
nose! I'm so sorry, Audrey.
AUDREY
No, it's ok.
ELAINE
What did you have to say that for?
KRAMER
Well, I was just trying to help out.
ELAINE
Yeah? Well, you can kiss that jacket
goodbye, Mr. Von Nozzin.
KRAMER
You see what happens when you try to
be nice?
Mid-episode monologue.
But what would the world be like if people said whatever they
were thinking, all
the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date
last? About
thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big."
"That's ok,
your breath stinks anyway. See you later, no problem, good-bye,
ok, thank you
very much."
New scene.
George and Audrey are in Elaine's apartment.
AUDREY
Elaine said I could stay with her another
month until Tina gets back.
What are you thinking about?
GEORGE
Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly
be thinking?
AUDREY
You look like you've got something on
your mind.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah, right. I wish I had something
on my mind. (pregnant pause)
So how about that Kramer, huh?
AUDREY
How about him?
GEORGE
They way he just says stuff.
AUDREY
He sure does.
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah, he's quite a character.
AUDREY
So, what did you think?
GEORGE
About the pizza?
AUDREY
No, about the nose job.
GEORGE
Oh, the nose job. I don't know, what
did you think?
AUDREY
Well, I've thought about it, but I don't
know.
GEORGE
Yeah. (another pause) Not that I care,
one way or the other, but
these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you
were so inclined.
And again, I'm not suggesting.
AUDREY
I know, they're good.
GEORGE
Peter Jennings had one.
AUDREY
Really?
GEORGE
Probably. They all do. In my high school,
half my graduating class
had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
AUDREY
Uh huh.
GEORGE
It's really nothing, it's like going
to the dentist.
AUDREY
I hate the dentist.
GEORGE
It's a cleaning.
AUDREY
So you really think I should do this?
GEORGE
If it makes you happy, I don't focus
on these things. I will tell you
THIS
Unfortunately, we live in a very superficial
society. I don't condone
it, but it's a fact of life.
AUDREY
Well, maybe I should.
GEORGE
What the hell.
ELAINE
Aw, now you talked her into getting
a nose job?
GEORGE
Me? I didn't say anything.
ELAINE
You encouraged her to get one.
GEORGE
I didn't encourage. No encourage.
ELAINE
Peter Jennings had one?
GEORGE
It's possible.
ELAINE
Well, I think you should accept her
for who she is.
AUDREY
No, George is right. I want to get one.
ELAINE
I think it's a mistake.
GEORGE
Me too, really. Unless you'd really
like to get one.
New scene.
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
GEORGE
I'm going straight to hell, no two ways
about it.
JERRY
Well, it might not be hell but you're
gonna run into some bad dudes.
GEORGE
Hey, let's get the check, she's taking
the
bandages off at four o'clock.
JERRY
We have time.
GEORGE
It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna
have a whole new face.
JERRY
It is exciting.
GEORGE
Of course, not as exciting as miss crop
circles, but...
JERRY
Please, please, Isabel? She is the most
despicable woman I have ever
met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally
and so
attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain
is facing my
penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
GEORGE
You're not letting him win. He wins
till you're forty.
JERRY
Then what?
GEORGE
He still wins but it's not a blowout.
JERRY
She wants to be an actress. She makes
me read these moronic acting
scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex,
I'm helpless,
I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day.
(flashback to Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
I don't want to see this woman anymore
but
I haven't got the will power to throw out her number. Please,
help me. Help
me.
KRAMER
I'm proud of you.
(end of flashback)
JERRY
So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm
going cold turkey.
GEORGE
Good for you.
JERRY
I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I
was like an animal. I mean it was
just completely uninhibited.
GEORGE
It's like going to the bathroom in front
of a lot of people and not
caring.
JERRY
It's not like that at all.
New scene.
Elaine, George, Jerry, Kramer and Audrey are at Elaine's apartment.
ELAINE
How do you even know the jacket is there?
KRAMER
Well I don't, I'm guessing.
GEORGE
Okay, look, Audrey, before you take
the bandage off just remember that
I was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? Now that
you're gonna
be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. You know,
like if you'd
listened to your friend, Elaine,
AUDREY
George?
GEORGE
Yeah?
AUDREY
Enough.
JERRY
Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's
get this show on the road.
ELAINE
Are you sure you want us here for this?
AUDREY
Yes.
JERRY
Shouldn't a doctor do it?
AUDREY
No, he said I could do it. Okay, here
goes.
GEORGE
Very exciting, very exciting, it's like
watching a birth.
Audrey removed the bandage, the gang tries to disguise their
horror.
ELAINE
It looks good.
JERRY
Great job.
KRAMER
You got butchered.
George faints.
An undetermined time later, Jerry and Elaine are helping George
to his feet.
JERRY
Let's put him over here.
KRAMER
Where are you going?
AUDREY
To the doctor!
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.
Kramer leaves, Elaine sits on the couch near George.
ELAINE
How ya feeling?
GEORGE
Too much salt in my diet.
ELAINE
Can I get you anything?
GEORGE
Nah, I'm good.
ELAINE
You sure? Anything?
GEORGE
Mmm, no. Boy, it really didn't come
out too well, did it?
ELAINE
No, it didn't. No, it didn't.
GEORGE
It's like, all dented.
ELAINE
Seems to be.
GEORGE
Well, I'm sure they'll be able to fix
it. You can't stop modern
science. Can't stop it, you can't stop it. Can't stop science.
Can't be
stopped, no way, no how, science just marches--
ELAINE
Shut up, George.
GEORGE
Shut up?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Interesting.
New scene.
Jerry and Kramer are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pouring
a bowl of cereal,
Jerry has cracked.
JERRY
Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me
her number!
KRAMER
I don't have it, I threw it out.
JERRY
You're lying! You got it, I want that
number!
KRAMER
I told you, I threw it out.
JERRY
Give it to me!
KRAMER
You told me not to give it to you, you
made me promise.
JERRY
Well, I changed my mind, I want that
number.
KRAMER
You said, no matter what you do or say,
I'm not to give you the number.
JERRY
I was lying, give it to me!
KRAMER
No, you told me not to!
JERRY
I want that number!
KRAMER
Alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper
to the ground) Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! (Jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces)
Look at you!
Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look
in the mirror,
cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand
by and do it
anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching
you
destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside!
Kramer storms out, then storms back in to grab the box of cereal
and the bowl,
then storms out again.
New scene.
George and Audrey are at the coffee shop, Audrey is talking about
her nose,
George is trying not to look at it.
AUDREY
The doctor said that they need to build
the lateral wall of the septum.
Over here...
GEORGE
Yeah.
AUDREY
You see this perinasal sinus cavity?
GEORGE
Oh, I got it.
AUDREY
You see how it's collapsing? That's
what's causing this huge dent.
GEORGE
Yeah, phew.
AUDREY
So anyway, George, do you know what
I was thinking about?
GEORGE
What?
AUDREY
Remember we talked about taking a trip
together?
GEORGE
We did?
AUDREY
Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
GEORGE
Hawaii?
AUDREY
Anyway, I think it would be great to
get away after all this.
George (removing his glasses) You know, Hawaii could be a little
tricky right
now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time
of year, there's
a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava,
pretty dangerous.
AUDREY
I never heard that.
GEORGE
Oh yeah. My friend lived there.
AUDREY
We could go to the Caribbean.
GEORGE
You know, I have to tell you something.
You couldn't get me on a plane
right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them
to me, he
used to be a pilot, so. Big investigation in the, uh, what's
the word there,
uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't
let that stop you
from going. You could go. I don't mind.
AUDREY
George, I don't think this is working.
New scene.
Jerry is rehearsing with Isabel.
ISABEL
Ever since you came back from the Army,
you've changed. I swear
Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.
JERRY
I'm Nelson!
ISABEL
That's not the line, Jerry.
JERRY
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading)
Nothing's changed, Alma, I just
need more time.
ISABEL
I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night,
when you're not around, I just go
crazy thinking about you.
JERRY
Well, you just need to relax. Maybe
a hobby, bowling is fun.
ISABEL
Yeah, bowling's good if you're really
gross and ugly.
JERRY
Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
Cut to the table where a slightly translucent Jerry's brain is
playing chess
with a similarly visible Jerry's penis.
JERRY'S BRAIN
Well I'm getting a little tired of this.
What do you say we
play one for all the marbles?
JERRY'S PENIS
Oh Brain, what are you doing? You cannot
beat me. Do you have
any idea who you're dealing with? Forget about it!
JERRY'S BRAIN
I can't take her anymore. I hate reading
her stupid little
acting scenes.
JERRY'S PENIS
Oh, so what? So you read from a little
play. You can't put up
with that for an hour to make me happy? You're so selfish. Give
me one hour,
then I will take over, you will not have to think for the rest
of the night.
JERRY'S BRAIN
What about tomorrow morning? Do you
have any idea what that's
like for me? Do you care? No, you don't care. So long as you
get to do
whatever it is you do. You disgust me.
JERRY'S PENIS
Oh, go read a book.
JERRY'S BRAIN
Enough chatting, let's play.
New scene.
Elaine and Kramer are outside the landlord's apartment.
ELAINE
You know the only reason I'm doing this
is because you took Audrey to
the hospital.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear,
you got
everything?
ELAINE
Yeah.
KRAMER
Wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a
ring on Elaine's finger) Here.
ELAINE
What do I need this for?
KRAMER
Because we're engaged.
ELAINE
We're engaged?
KRAMER
Um hm.
ELAINE
Kramer, this is too big.
KRAMER
It's my mom's.
A stout man walks around the corner.
LANDLORD
Hello?
ELAINE
Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert
Pepper's daughter. My father
asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
LANDLORD
Oh, hello Miss Pepper, it's a pleasure
to meet you. (To Kramer) And
you must be Professor Von Nostrand?
KRAMER
Yes, yes I am.
LANDLORD
I've read your book, Professor, and
I was quite intrigued by it.
KRAMER
Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
LANDLORD
Tell me, is it your contention that
Shakespeare was an imposter?
KRAMER
My contention?
LANDLORD
Yes, your contention.
KRAMER
Yes, that's my contention.
ELAINE
I heard him contend that.
LANDLORD
It's too bad about your father.
ELAINE
Oh, it was a frame-up.
LANDLORD
A fine man, he spoke often of you. He's
very proud of the work
you're doing.
ELAINE
Oh, well, we're all proud of the work
I'm doing.
KRAMER
She does fine work.
LANDLORD
Your father gave me strict orders not
to turn the jacket over to
anyone, but I suppose I can make an exception in your case. The
closet's this
way.
ELAINE
How kind of you.
LANDLORD
You know, your father has a very extensive
wardrobe.
Kramer enters after Elaine, banging his pipe on the door frame.
New scene.
Jerry's Brain and Penis are still playing chess, Jerry's Brain
appears to have
the upper hand.
JERRY'S BRAIN
What's the matter, fella? You look a
little tired. Ha ha ha ha
ha!
ISABEL
Nelson, don't you see? You are a part
of me, and I, I am a part of
you.
JERRY'S PENIS
It's killing me. (Makes a move)
JERRY'S BRAIN
That's your move?
JERRY'S PENIS
Yeah.
JERRY'S BRAIN
Well that's trouble, my friend. That's
big trouble. Checkmate!
JERRY'S PENIS
Getting weak... Losing
power... You haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back. You're
nothing
without me. Nothing!
Jerry's Penis disappears with an audible pop.
JERRY'S BRAIN
Punk.
JERRY
Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working.
Isabel checks the script with a puzzled look on her face.
Back to Elaine, Kramer and the landlord at Albert Pepper's apartment.
ELAINE
Daddy certainly does have an extensive
wardrobe.
LANDLORD
He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I
don't have to tell you he's quite
popular with the ladies.
ELAINE
My father, really? I had no idea.
LANDLORD
Yes, they're crazy about him. There
was one in particular, came
around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor.
Could have been
your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's
it, Babs
Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the
street, drunken
stumblebum.
KRAMER
You don't say?
ELAINE
I found it!
LANDLORD
The woman used to walk around here half
naked, sucking Colt 45 from a
can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her
knees,
screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy
ape, and bring
back that box of Danish!"
Throughout the landlord's narrative, Kramer becomes more and
more agitated.
Finally, he grabs the pipe out of his mouth.
New scene.
The four are at their usual booth at the coffee shop.
KRAMER
So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
ELAINE
Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer,
you're killing him!"
JERRY
So I assume the jig was up.
ELAINE
Yeah, pretty much.
Kramer shows off the fruits of their labor; he's wearing the
jacket. Audrey
walks in, her nose has been repaired and she's absolutely beautiful.
AUDREY
Hi.
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
Hey.
AUDREY
Hello.
GEORGE
Audrey? My god, you look incredible!
I can't believe it!
AUDREY
Well, it was his doctor. He was wonderful.
ELAINE
So, will I see you later tonight?
AUDREY
Not sure.
KRAMER
Well, I'll check
you guys out later. (To Audrey) Ready?
AUDREY
I didn't wash.
KRAMER
Neither did I. We're off to the Reggae
Lounge.
ELAINE
Isn't she beautiful? Her nose is in
such perfect
proportion with the rest of her face. She's breathtaking! Who
would have
though she's like--
GEORGE
Elaine. Shut up.
(Comedy club)
The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay?
Do we really
need to insult the person at this particular moment of their
lives? They know
they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really
need the
abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything
else? When someone
goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to
perform a
cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to
remove the
skinheadia of your chrome-domus which is the technical term."
THE END
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