THE PIE
Written by
Tom Gammill & Max Pross
(Monk's coffee shop, evening)
(Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)
AUDREY
Hum! That was really good!
JERRY
Yeah. Are you full?
AUDREY
Oh no, I've had just enough.
(Waitress brings dessert)
JERRY
Here we go... apple pie! Best apple
pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating)
Delicious. I'm not waiting for you.
Take some.
AUDREY
No thanks.
JERRY
You're not gonna have any?
AUDREY
No (with a disgusted face)
JERRY
Do you not like apple pie?
AUDREY
No, it's not that.
JERRY
Well, at least taste it.
AUDREY
No (a resolute "no")
JERRY
You won't even taste it?
AUDREY
No.
JERRY
Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her
head doing "no") A little taste! (still
shaking) Come on! (still shaking)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's appartment, the next day)
(Jerry and George)
GEORGE
Did she say why?
JERRY
No. She wouldn't say anything. She just
kept shaking her head like this (Imitating
Audrey)
GEORGE
Maybe she's diabetic.
JERRY
No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts
in her purse.
GEORGE
Maybe you said something that offended
her.
JERRY
The only thing I can think of is I told
her we should have those moving walkways
all over the city.
GEORGE
Like at the airport? (getting excited)
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
That's a great idea!!!
JERRY
Tell me about it!
GEORGE
We could be zipping all over the place.
JERRY
They could at least try it.
GEORGE
They never try anything.
JERRY
What's the harm?
GEORGE
No harm!
(Elaine enters)
JERRY
(still talking to George) I'm sorry.
There's no reason for her not to taste
that pie.
ELAINE
Who wouldn't taste a pie?
JERRY
Audrey.
ELAINE
Dump her.
JERRY
Boy, I never broke up with anyone for
not tasting pie???
ELAINE
(piffling) I once broke up with someone
for not offering me pie.
JERRY
You did?
ELAINE
He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't
offer me anything. It's a sickness.
GEORGE
Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just
gonna be wishing there were walkways.
(seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What
are you doing?
ELAINE
I got a pebble.
JERRY
Boy, I never heard of that happening
to a woman?
ELAINE
What the hell does that mean?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating
a mannequin posture)
ELAINE
What? Why?
KRAMER
Do it. Do it. This.
ELAINE
Like... (doing it) Like this?
KRAMER
Oh yeah! It's you!
ELAINE
What's me?
KRAMER
(to the gang) There's a clothing store
downtown. They got a mannequin in there
that looks exactly like Elaine.
ELAINE
Get out!
KRAMER
It's uncanny! It's like they chopped
off your arms and legs, dipped you in
plastic, and screwed you back all together,
and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really
quite exquisite.
GEORGE
Kramer, what's the name of the store
with the mannequin?
KRAMER
Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and
starts rubbing his back with it) Oh
yeah...
JERRY
(to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering
what the hell's Kramer doing)
KRAMER
It's this itch. I was watching TV without
my shirt on, and one my couch cushion
didn't have any fabric on it.
GEORGE
Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have
somme really cool suits in there?
KRAMER
Real Boss!
ELAINE
I'm going down there.
GEORGE
I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a
new suit. I got a second interview with
MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close.
They're all taking me out to lunch on
Friday.
ELAINE
(grabbing George by the arm, hurried
to leave) Let's go.
GEORGE
All right. All right. (They both leave)
KRAMER
(leaving too, with the spatula) Are
you gonna need this?
JERRY
Keep it. (implied: please)
(scene ends)
(Rinitze)
(George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)
ELAINE
It looks exactly like me.
GEORGE
It's like some pod landed from another
planet and took your body. Don't fall
asleep Elaine.
ELAINE
What's going on here? How do you think
this happened?
GEORGE
Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful
suit. Huh?
ELAINE
You think that could be a coincidence
George? Is that possible?
(the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)
SALESWOMAN
(european accent) You are perfect for
that suit.
GEORGE
You think so?
ELAINE
(to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where
did this come from?
SALESWOMAN
I don't know.
GEORGE
You really think this looks O.K. on
me?
SALESWOMAN
Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the
last one we have.
ELAINE
I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the
mannequin came from?
SALESWOMAN
I told you, I don't know.
ELAINE
(irritated, but still polite) Well,
is there somebody around here I could
talk to who would know?
SALESWOMAN
Why?
ELAINE
Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks
exactly like me.
(saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)
ELAINE
(upset) Did you just roll your eyes
at him? Because let me tell you something,
if anobody should be rolling their eyes,
it is me at him about you.
SALESWOMAN
I think maybe you're flattering yourself.
That mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier
dress.
(George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care
about their dispute)
ELAINE
What are you saying, that I'm not good
enough for this hideous dress? (looking
at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I
wouldn't be caught dead wearing your
crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George)
I'll meet you outside.
(Elaine leaves and waits outside)
SALESWOMAN
What is her problem?
GEORGE
Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a
tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?
SALESWOMAN
Yes.
GEORGE
Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off
the suit)
SALESWOMAN
I'll tell you a little secret. We're
having an unadvertised sale starting
Friday, that suit will be half-price.
GEORGE
So you think you can put the suit aside
and hold it for me?
SALESWOMAN
Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It
wouldn't be fair to the other customers.
GEORGE
Oh yes, of course, and we have to be
fair. (placing the suit further away
in the rack)
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)
ELAINE
So, I found out who supplies the mannequins
and I called 'em up.
KRAMER
How did they get your face?
ELAINE
I don't know. They wouldn't tell me.
(Jerry is not listening, he's looking
at two women sitting in the other booth)
Jerry? Je... Hello?
JERRY
(Jerry gets up and walk to these persons)
Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but
notice you offered her a piece of your
pie.
WOMAN 1
That's right.
JERRY
And you waved it away.
WOMAN 2
Right.
JERRY
Did you give her a reason?
WOMAN 2
Yes, I was full.
JERRY
You were full. So you gave a reason.
You didn't just shake your head.
WOMAN 2
No, I'm not a psycho.
JERRY
Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've
been very helpful. Thank you very much.
Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back
with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think
we proven who the psycho is.
ELAINE
We certainly have.
KRAMER
Hey, Elaine scratch my back.
ELAINE
No way!
KRAMER
Come on, one lap around.
ELAINE
No.
KRAMER
It will be a funky adventure.
ELAINE
Kramer, forget it.
KRAMER
Jerry, how about you?
JERRY
I think you know my policy.
KRAMER
I'm going home to spatula. (picks up
the check and walks to the cashier)
ELAINE
I thought George was meeting us here?
JERRY
No he's going downtown to guard the
suit.
ELAINE
He's guarding a suit?
OLIVE
(to Kramer) Do you need some help with
that itch?
KRAMER
Madam, I pray you're not toying with
me. (Olive shows her long finger nails)
Whoa.
OLIVE
Turn around.
KRAMER
Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer
enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)
(scene ends)
(Rinitze)
SALESWOMAN
(makes a guy trying the suit. His name
is not mentionned but it seems to be
Bob as it appears in the credits at
the end of the episode.) It fits you
perfectly.
BOB
You think so? (she nods and walks away)
GEORGE
(outside, looking the guy trying the
suit through the window, and thinking
out loud) What's this? Can't I leave
this place for a second? (goes in, take
off his jacket, walks to the guy and
talks to him with an european accent)
Can I help you?
BOB
I'm buying the suit.
GEORGE
No, no, no, this suit is not for sale.
(tries to take off the suit from the
guy)
BOB
Excuse me, do you work here?
GEORGE
(leaving the european accent) No.
BOB
Then what the hell business is it of
yours?
GEORGE
Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're
having an unadvertised sale. This suit
is gonna be half-priced starting ...
Monday.
BOB
Really? This Monday?
GEORGE
Yes. Now take off those pants.
SALESWOMAN
Actually, the unadvertised sale starts
on Friday.
BOB
Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look
at George and leaves)
GEORGE
(to the saleswoman) You know honey for
an unadvertised sale, you're doing a
lot of yapping about it.
(she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like
he's really seeing Elaine naked)
(scene ends)
(Poppie's restaurant)
(Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at
the menu)
JERRY
I can't beleive your father owns this
place. So how are the desserts here?
AUDREY
Everything is delicious.
JERRY
You've tasted them?
AUDREY
Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.
JERRY
Oh I see they have apple pie.
AUDREY
Mmm-hmm.
JERRY
You've had the apple pie?
AUDREY
Many times.
JERRY
Audrey, I got to be honest with you.
I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature.
I need to know things. Not tasting the
apple pie the other day, I can't get
past it. You obviously like pies. You
carry doughnuts in your bag, you're
not averse to pastry. Surely you could
see how such a thing would prey on my
mind.
AUDREY
Can we drop this?
JERRY
(like a frustrated child) Why can't
I know?
(Poppie comes to the table)
AUDREY
Ah! Poppie.
POPPIE
Sweetheart, hello.
AUDREY
Poppie, this is Jerry.
POPPIE
Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)
JERRY
Hello Poppie.
POPPIE
Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making
you a very special dinner. Very special.
(he leaves)
JERRY
The pies. I'm going to the bathroom.
You know. (he leaves)
(Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while
Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall)
POPPIE
Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real
treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare
the dinner for you and my Audrey.
(He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices
it)
(back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen
with his hands in the dough, making dinner)
AUDREY
Jerry are you OK?
JERRY
Huh?
AUDREY
Is anything wrong?
JERRY
No, Nothing.
AUDREY
You look like you've seen a ghost.
(Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie
smiles and winks at him)
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
OLIVE
(to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.
(Kramer enters with flowers)
KRAMER
Hey. These are for you Olive.
OLIVE
Thank you.
(They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)
KRAMER
Ohh!
(scene ends)
(Poppie's)
(Poppie serves dinner)
POPPIE
Here it is.
AUDREY
Wait till you taste this. (she eats)
Poppie, this is perfect.
POPPIE
(to Jerry) Well?
AUDREY
Jerry have some.
(Jerry shakes his head doing "no")
AUDREY
You're not gonna taste it?
(still shaking)
AUDREY
Jerry.
(still shaking)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's appartment)
(Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch)
JERRY
So she tought I did it to get back at
her
GEORGE
Why didn't you just tell her?
JERRY
I don't think that's the kind of thing
you wanna hear about your father. But
I'll tell you when he came out of that
bathroom and he was kneading that dough,
it was a wild scene.
GEORGE
How could he not have washed?
JERRY
Even if you're not gonna soap up, at
least pretend for my benefit. Turn the
water on, do something.
GEORGE
Yeah, just like I do.
JERRY
You know a chef who doesn't wash is
like a cop who steals. It's a cry for
help, he wants to get caught.
GEORGE
Well, I think Poppie's got some problems.
There's a whole other thing going on
with Poppie. So how did you leave ti?
JERRY
We haven't spoken.
(Kramer enters holding the spatula)
KRAMER
Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore.
I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)
GEORGE
Olive?
KRAMER
Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks.
You guys ought to see the way she works
her nails across my back. Ohh! She's
a maestro. The crisscross. The figure
eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and
this wild, savage free-for-all where
anything can happen.
GEORGE
I got to get downtown and buy that suit.
The store opens in twenty minutes.
KRAMER
Is that Elaine mannequin still there?
GEORGE
Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was
naked.
JERRY
Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...
(scene ends)
(Rinitze)
(The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting.
He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident.
Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different
rack.)
BOB
Where is it? Where is it?
GEORGE
(George takes out the suit from the
other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently)
This doesn't belong here! Someone has
made a terrible mistake.
BOB
You bastard! You hid the suit.
GEORGE
Hid? I have no idea how this suit got
misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe
I shall purchase it.
BOB
I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna
get you for this. I don't know how,
but I'm gonna get you. You are going
to pay!
GEORGE
Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci
my fellow 40-short.
(scene ends)
(Monks)
(Jerry and Elaine at a booth)
ELAINE
So I made a little list of people who
might've made the mannequin. You know,
possible suspects.
JERRY
Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very
interested)
ELAINE
There's this blind guy at a party I
was at, and he felt my face for a really
long time. You know, to see what I looked
like. He almost put his finger up my
nose.
JERRY
Hum... ok, what else you got?
ELAINE
OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest
of the list.
JERRY
Oh, because I didn't think the blind
guy did it?
ELAINE
Because you have an attitude.
(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his
fingers)
JERRY AND ELAINE
Oh!
JERRY
Georgio! Nice duds!
GEORGE
You're telling me. (he walks around
and the suit makes a swooshing sound)
So, what do you think?
JERRY
Did you hear something?
ELAINE
Yeah, like a swoosh.
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
It must be the fabric. It's rubbing
between you thighs when you walk. That's
what's making that swooshy sound.
(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)
GEORGE
I probably didn't hear it on the way
over because of the street noise. (he
panics) This is no good! I got to meet
these guys from MacKenzie for lunch
in half an hour!
JERRY
So what? What would they care?
GEORGE
This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut.
Someone told me he fired the last guy
because his nose whistled when he breathed.
JERRY
So you think you're not gonna get the
job because your pants make a noise?
GEORGE
Let's say it comes down to me and one
other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit,
and I'm whooshing all over the place!
Who do you think he's gonna hire?
JERRY
You know, I think all these interviews
are making you nuts.
(Kramer comes back from the bathroom)
KRAMER
Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was
in here before.
JERRY
Audrey?
KRAMER
Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of
pie.
JERRY
Was it apple?
KRAMER
What else?
JERRY
This woman is bending my mind into a
pretzel!
(a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)
STRANGER
Do I know you?
ELAINE
Hmm... No you don't.
STRANGER
Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and
one of those bras with points.
ELAINE
The mannequin!
JERRY
Oh, I got to see this thing.
(scene ends)
(Rinitze)
(Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked
by another mannequin)
JERRY
Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.
(Elaine goes to the saleswoman)
ELAINE
You think you can pose me however you
want? That's my ass in your window!
SALESWOMAN
It's our store and our mannequin, we
can do whatever we want with it.
ELAINE
No! You take down that mannequin right
now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry
goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.
SALESWOMAN
(to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?
JERRY
Well, I believe there's some legal precedent
- Winchell vs. Mahoney,
ELAINE
Uh-huh
JERRY
The Charlie Macarthy hearings.
ELAINE
Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?
SALESWOMAN
I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)
ELAINE
Jerry get the car. (she's getting the
mannequin)
JERRY
What are you doing?
ELAINE
Just get the car!
JERRY
Elaine, as your legal counsel I must
advise against this.
(They get out with the mannequin)
(scene ends)
(Jerry's car)
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between
them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)
JERRY
I don't know about you, but I'm getting
a hankering for some doublemint gum.
I'm dropping you off at work, right?
ELAINE
Where are you going?
JERRY
Poppie's
(scene ends)
(a restaurant)
(George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking
to a table)
MACKENZIE
Thanks for meeting me down here George.
My office is out of control, (George's
pants are making noise) phones ringing,
people running in and out. (MacKenzie
stops talking and walking, George too)
Did you hear something?
GEORGE
No, I didn't hear anything.
MACKENZIE
Huh, that's strange. (they start walking
again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate
without people wooshing around... (he
stops again, George too) That sound
again. Sure you didn't hear anything?
GEORGE
No, can't say as I did.
MACKENZIE
Kind of like a... rustling.
GEORGE
Could be the leaves...
(scene ends)
(Poppie's)
(Audrey talks to a client on the phone)
AUDREY
That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll
see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.
JERRY
Hello.
AUDREY
What are you doing here?
JERRY
So how was the pie?
AUDREY
What pie?
JERRY
The apple pie you had today at Monks
AUDREY
I'm very busy here.
JERRY
Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you
should've tasted it.
AUDREY
You better not let Poppie see you here.
(a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)
HEALTH INSPECTOR
All right, I'm looking for someone named
Poppie.
AUDREY
Uh, who are you?
HEALTH INSPECTOR
Board of health, we've had several complaints.
JERRY
Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to
wash his hands)
HEALTH INSPECTOR
Are you Poppie?
POPPIE
I'm Poppie.
HEALTH INSPECTOR
I think you'd better come with me.
POPPIE
What's the problem?
(Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)
AUDREY
What do they want from Poppie?
JERRY
Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.
(scene ends)
(at the restaurant with MacKenzie)
(everybody's laughing at the table)
MACKENZIE
You taught I'd care about your pants
wooshing?
GEORGE
I heard the last guy got fired because
his nose whislted.
MACKENZIE
No, no, no. He got fired because he
wasn't a team player. That's something
we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll
find we're team here George. We don't
tolerate dissent. If you want to go
your own way, you're in the wrong place.
GEORGE
No problem there. Conformity is an obsession
with me.
(The waiter brings dessert)
WAITER
Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of
the house.
MACKENZIE
Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.
WAITER
(to George) The chef said that he made
it special for you.
GEORGE
Oh... (George looks around and sees
the chef hiding behind a plant: it's
Bob!)
MACKENZIE
Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take
a bite George. (George shakes his head
doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's
delicious. (still shaking) I insist.
(still shaking)
BUSINESSMAN
If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.
(still shaking)
(scene ends)
(Monk's)
(evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)
JERRY
So you didn't get the job.
GEORGE
No. But I was the only one at the table
that didn't get violently ill.
JERRY
Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her
like this, you're gonna have to say
something.
KRAMER
What am I supposed to say?
JERRY
Tell her you lost your itch.
GEORGE
What happened to your itch?
KRAMER
I lost it two days ago. I've been faking
it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.
JERRY
Well you should tell her.
KRAMER
I'll let her down easy. All right. (he
gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi
Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back)
No, no. No more of that. There's something
I have to tell you.
OLIVE
What?
KRAMER
Uh, well, there's someone else.
OLIVE
Someone else?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
OLIVE
Who is she?
KRAMER
Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin
in Jerry's car)
OLIVE
her?
KRAMER
Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.
OLIVE
You're a liar. I've seen her in here
before. She's not your girlfriend.
KRAMER
Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.
OLIVE
Why is she wearing her underwear?
KRAMER
Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry)
Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws
his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're
gonna go for a drive now. She really
loves that.
(Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the
mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't
work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's
hand fall out from the arm!)
(Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's
car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table,
eating dessert)
GEORGE
Did you ever solve the riddle of the
pie?
JERRY
No. That's one for the ages. But I think
they're gonna put Poppie away for a
long long time.
(Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking
at her, confused.)
ELAINE
You guys are not gonna believe this.
I just got a letter from a friend of
mine in Chicago who's shopping, and
she said she saw a mannequin that looked
just like me. What if there're more.
Where are they coming from?
(scene ends)
(The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar
Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.)
RICKY'S BOSS
Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous
response to your TR-6 mannequin.
RICKY
TR-6? I prefer to think of her as...
Elaine.
THE END
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