THE UNDERSTUDY
Written by
Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer
GENNICE
(Crying) (sob sob)
JERRY
(To himself) Now what am I supposed
to do here? Shall I go over there? It's
not like somebody died. It's "Beaches"
for god's sake. If she was sitting next
to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't
be making a big move like going all
the way over there. I can't. I won't.
(Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
She calls me this morning and tells
me she's upset I didn't console her.
I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake.
What, what do you do in a situation
like that?
GEORGE
Where were you?
JERRY
I was sitting on the chair. She was
over here on the couch.
GEORGE
Well you know, if you were sitting right
next to her you'd have to console her
no matter what.
JERRY
Of course.
GEORGE
When you're talking about a movie like
"Beaches", moving from the chair to
the couch ... that's quite a voyage.
JERRY
yeah,
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey. I gotta go.
KRAMER
Where you going?
JERRY
The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle"
The musical.
KRAMER
Really? What is Bette Midler playing?
Is she going to be there?
JERRY
She might be. She's the star of the
show.
KRAMER
Bette Midler is going to be in the park
today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.
GEORGE
I didn't know you were such a Bette
Midler fan.
KRAMER
So maybe I'll go down there and watch,
uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.
GEORGE
Gennice palying today?
JERRY
Yeah, maybe.
KRAMER
Who's Gennice?
JERRY
That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
KRAMER
Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?
JERRY
Yeah.
KRAMER
Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch.
The substitute teachers of the theater
world.
JERRY
I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't
have to avoid going back stage and having
to think of something to say.
GEORGE
Going backstage is the worst. Especially
when they stink. You know that's a real
problem.
JERRY
Just once I would like to tell someone
they stink. You know what? I doidn't
like the show. I didn't like you. It
just really stunk. The whole thing...real
bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets
though.
(Ruby's Nail Parlor - Korean language in quotes)
RUBY
You late.
ELAINE
I know I know. I didn't have change
for the bus and they don't give change
in this city. So they threw me off the
bus
RUBY
"That's a shame". You'll have to wait
for Lotus now.
ELAINE
How long do you think this will take.
I have a millllioooon things to do.
RUBY
"Mustn't keep the princess waiting.
Princess in a big hurry." "No change
for bus" "Poor princess."
ELAINE
What?, uh?
RUBY
Nothing, won't be long.
LOTUS
"Princess wants a manicure."
SUNNY
"Oh lucky me."
LOTUS
"Oh, you got the princess."
ELAINE
What is so funny?
RUBY
...tell knock-knock joke.
(Baseball diamond in the park)
ELAINE
The Korean women were talking about
me. I think they were calling me a dog.
JERRY
How would you know? You don't speak
Korean.
ELAINE
Because this woman came in with a dog
and Ruby called the dog the same word
they used when they were pointing at
me...ge ge ge
KRAMER
You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't
an insult. Could be like the word "fox"
to us. Oh, she's a DOG!
JERRY
Why don't you go to another nail shop?
ELAINE
Because they're the best Jerry, the
best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
JERRY
What you need is a translator to go
in the shop with you and tell you what
they're saying.
ELAINE
Yeah, who speaks Korean?
JERRY
You know who speaks Korean?
ELAINE
No, who?
JERRY
George's father.
ELAINE
You gotta' be kidding me. How does he
speak Korean?
JERRY
He used to go there a lot on business.
ELAINE
What did he do?
JERRY
He sold religious articles the statues
of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were
manufactured in Korea.
ELAINE
Uh,
JERRY
George, does your father speak Korean?
GEORGE
Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung
Sun Moon.
JERRY
Oh, hi Gennice.
GENNICE
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
This is George, this is Kramer.
GENNICE
Nice to meet you.
JERRY
Playing today?
GENNICE
No. I'm on the bench today.
JERRY
They really stick to that understudy
rule.
KRAMER
So she's coming?
GENNICE
Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS
HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter
fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really
good. I can't believe that I dropped
it. (sob sob sob sob)
JERRY
It's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still
sobbing) everything is going to be okay.
GENNICE
No it (sob) was really good.
(Crowd yelling - Bette arrives)
KRAMER
Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah,
AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.
BETTE
Hi.
KRAMER
Uh, I just want to say I think you're
wonderful.
BETTE
Uh, thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've
done.
BETTE
Really?
KRAMER
Anything I can get you? Water? They
got ice over here.
BETTE
What flavours do they have?
KRAMER
Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.
BETTE
How about Pineapple?
KRAMER
Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right
back.
(First Italian ice cream seller)
ICE CREAM VENDOR #1
No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and
Tutti-Frutti
KRAMER
Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves)
(Monk's)
ELAINE
Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you
to do is to come to the shop with me
and tell me what they are saying. You
do speak Korean?
FRANK
I once talked to the reverend Yung Son
Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from
me. He's a hell of a nice guy.
ELAINE
uh, ha.
FRANK
Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig
apple pie.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza,
if uh, if you do this for me I'll get
you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or
you can get a pedicure if you want.
FRANK
No one is touching my feet. Between
you and me, Elaine, I think I've got
a foot odour problem.
(Baseball diamond- Bette at bat)
GEORGE
I watched "Beaches" on cable last night.
...(wings?) ... Give me a break.
BETTE
Get some talent then you can mouth off.
UMPIRE
Strike three.
BETTE
What? Are you blind?
UMPIRE
What?
BETTE
Nothing, nothing.
(Monk's)
FRANK
I had an affair with a Korean woman.
ELAINE
Uh, Mr. Costanza, I ...
FRANK
No, I feel I need to unburden myself.
I loved her very deeply. But the clash
of cultures was too much. Her family
would not accept me.
ELAINE
Mr. Costanza, I, ...
FRANK
Maybe it was because I refused to take
off my shoes. Again, the foot odour
problem. Her father would look at me
and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means,
"this guy - this is not my kind of guy".
(On Stree)
ICE CREAM VENDOR #2
Sure I got Pineapple.
(Kramer runs back with it)
(Baseball diamond - George at bat)
BETTE
Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your
shrimp here. Shrimp on special today!
JERRY
Come on George, just loosen up.
(George hits one )
JERRY
Come on George.
KRAMER
I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.
JERRY
(to George) Keep going.
GEORGE
Aaaaaah
(George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate))
UMPIRE
SAFE!
(Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry)
GEORGE
come on it's just a game.
KRAMER
(holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is
going to take care of everything. See,,
I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last
night for the fourth time (sings) "You
are the wind..."
(Jerry's Apartment)
TV
the show will go on but not Bette Midler.
While playing softball in the park Ms.
Midler was injured when another player
thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate.
All captured on amateur video tape.
She will be out for two weeks from her
Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The
Musical.
(Genice enters)
GENNICE
. . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)
JERRY
Well we...
GENNICE
No, please. This is the first time in
my life (sobs) that anyone has ever
done anything like this for me. I've
always had to struggle so hard for everything
I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this
is going to be my big break. (sobbing)
JERRY
(with no emotion) It's okay. Everything
is going to be all right.
(Knocking at door)
KRAMER
Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE
IN THERE!
JERRY
Come back another time.
(Shot of each lock being opened)
KRAMER
SO...you're all in here together. How
convenient. I hope you're all proud
of yourselves.
(Turning to Genice)
KRAMER
So my dear you think you can get to
Broadway. Well, let me tell you something.
Broadway has no room for people like
you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway
takes people like you and eats them
up and spits them out. My Broadway is
the Broadway of Merman, and Martin,
and Fontaine, and if you think you can
build yourself up by knocking other
people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)
(Nail Parlour)
ELAINE
Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend,
Frank.
RUBY
What would you like today? Manicure,
Pedicure?
FRANK
I'll take a manicure. I don't take my
shoes off for anyone.
RUBY
"That's the least of his problems."
FRANK
What was that?
ELAINE
What'd they say? What'd they say?
FRANK
They made a derogatory comment about
me.
RUBY
"She's with a man twice her age." "He
doesn't look like he's got much money
either."
LOTUS
"Check out that sweater". (all laughing)
RUBY
"I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."
LOTUS
"What happened to his tail?"
FRANK
Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's
my tail? I heard every word you said.
You got some nerve.
(Back room)
KIM
That voice? It sounds so familiar. It
reminds me of when I was ayoung girl
in Korea and I met an American businessman.
He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd
with a strange halting way of speaking.
We fell in love but when I brought him
home to meet my father? He refused to
take his shoes off. And there was a
terrible fight.
LOTUS
That man also refuses to take his shoes
off.
FRANK
(from other room) I never seen people
treated like this!
RUBY
You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out!
KIM
Frank?
FRANK
Kim?
(Hospital room)
KRAMER
(on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side
of slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark?
BETTE
White meat.
KRAMER
Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece
of dark meat on there. It's your ass
buster.
BETTE
Get me one of those Black and White
cookies.
KRAMER
yeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They
don't have any. But don't worry I'm
going to get you one somewhere.
BETTE
Good. Because if I don't get a Black
and White cookie I'm not going to be
very pleasant to be around.
KRAMER
Now that's impossible.
(On rainy street at night)
ELAINE
(sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella)
... I don't even know where I'm going.
PETERMAN
That's the best way to get someplace
you've never been.
ELAINE
yes, (sob) I suppose, ...
PETERMAN
Have you been crying?
ELAINE
Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman,
this manicurist,...
PETERMAN
Oh no, that doesn't matter now. That's
a very nice jacket.
ELAINE
Uh, (sob) thanks.
PETERMAN
Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo
pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing
vents in the back perfect for jumping
into a gondola.
ELAINE
How do you know all that?
PETERMAN
That's my coat.
ELAINE
You mean..?
PETERMAN
Yes, I'm J. Peterman.
ELAINE
Oh!
(In Taxi)
JERRY
I don't know why I have to go to the
hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette
Midler. Driver can you stop over here,
we're picking somebody up.
(Crowd yelling)
GENNICE
Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never
informed. ... YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT
TO HELL.... You see that? You see what
I am going through?
GEORGE
So what? Somebody dropped an egg on
my head as I went into my building last
night.
JERRY
Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People
are yelling out Galloogy.
GENNICE
I'm having a little trouble with all
this. I mean all I ever wanted to do
is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big
media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show
will even talk to me.
JERRY
Stop your crying will ya?
GENNICE
What?
GEORGE
You heard him.
GENNICE
Oh, don't you you're the reason this
whole thing happened.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the
papers yesterday. You weren't in on
the planing. What planning? YOU THINK
WE PLANED THIS? Uh?
CABBIE
Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked
Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle
the Musical. I want you creeps out of
my cab.
JERRY
Hey, I had nothing to do with it.
CABBIE
Get out of my cab. You should go to
prison. You should be in prison for
the rest of your life. Get out, each
of you. Each and every one of you get
out of my cab.
(Restaurant)
PETERMAN
Then in the distance I heard the bulls.
I began running as fast as I could.
Fortunately I was wearing my Italian
Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different;
nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich
dark brown calfskin leather. Matching
leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes
7 through 13. Price $135.00.
Ex; Oh, that's not too expensive.
PETERMAN
That shirt. Where did you get it?
ELAINE
Oh, this innocent looking shirt has
something which isn't innocent at all.
Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton,
with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling.
Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence
and mayhem at once.
PETERMAN
That's NOT bad!
(Frank's car)
KIM
Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you
had taken your shoes off.
FRANK
I couldn't because I had a potential
foot problem.
KIM
I thought maybe you had a hole in your
socks.
FRANK
I wiped them for two minutes on the
mat. I don't know why your father had
to make a federal case out of it.
KIM
Anyway that is all in the past. We have
our whole future ahead of us.
FRANK
Between you and me I think your country
is placing a lot of importance on shoe
removal.
(Screeching of brakes)
KIM
You short stop me? We don't do that
in Korea! Take me home. Inever want
to see you again.
(Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives
her a pasta statue)
BETTE
... What is it?
KRAMER
It's macaroni Midler.
BETTE
Macaroni Midler?
KRAMER
Yeah, see how you're singing?
BETTE
... yeah ...ha ha. Well you made a long
journey from Milan to Minsk.
KRAMER
oh, what's that from?
BETTE
Oh, that's one of the songs from my
show. Bette sings:
"Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.
Rochelle Rochelle.
You never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk
Rochelle Rochelle
When the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace
So nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face.
I'm having adventures all over the place.
Rochelle ROCHELLE!"
KRAMER
Oh You are so freaking talented.
(knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall)
KRAMER
Oh, so look who's here. What do you
want.
JERRY
We just want to talk to her. We want
to apologize and tell her the whole
thing was an accident.
KRAMER
No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Bette is recuperating right now and
I'm not going to allow anything to disturb
her.
GEORGE
Who are you to decide?
KRAMER
I'm calling the shots around here so
there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!
GEORGE
Hey, look, Kramer,...
KRAMER
AH! I don't want her disturbed.
(Outside Broadway Theater)
RUBY
hello, Elaine.
ELAINE
Hello
LOTUS
We're so excited.
ELAINE
You're welcome.
RUBY
We'll see you inside.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Well I felt bad about the spying, so
you know, ,I got them tickets to the
show.
JERRY
Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see
you later.
ELAINE
Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you
about my new job.
JERRY
Where?
ELAINE
Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.
JERRY
(pushing her) How did you get that?
ELAINE
I met him.
JERRY
You met J. Peterman?
ELAINE
yeah.
JERRY
What is he like?
JERRY
(walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.
ELAINE
. . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...
(Backstage)
JERRY
Well, break a leg tonight.
GENNICE
I'm really nervous.
STAGEHAND
Here you got a telegram. Well, look
who's here.
JERRY
Listen buddy,
STAGEHAND
What are you going to do? Break my legs?
You don't scare me. You or your goons.
GENNICE
How do you like this?
JERRY
What is it?
GENNICE
My grandmother died.
JERRY
Oh, I'm so sorry.
GENNICE
Oh, it's okay,
JERRY
So you don't cry when your grandmother
dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?
VOICE
(Off camera) Places everyone.
GENNICE
I gotta go.
JERRY
Good luck.
(Audience)
ANNOUNCER
ladies and gentlemen for this evening's
performance the part of Rochelle will
be played by Gennice Grant.
LOTUS
Gennice Glant?
RUBY
What happened to Bette Midler?
ELAINE
Oh, she got hurt.
RUBY
No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and
all three leave)
ELAINE
I, uh, wait..
(On Stage)
GENNICE
(singing and dancing) "It's a long journey
from Milan to Minsk" (Shoe lace comes
undone) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob)
I'm sorry, I have to start it over,
my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like
this. Please let me start over. (sob)
Please. (sob) Please....
THE END
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