THE WATCH
Written by
Larry David
(Comedy club)
JERRY
It's an entire industry of bad gifts,
aren't they? All those
executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put
a piece of green
felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser,
dad." But to
me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's
no better
way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse
to put any thought
into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers
are just
blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed
to the back of
a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are
they
typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need
a paperweight for?
(Restaurant)
Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.
MORTY
(to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller,
Jimmy Sherman.
(indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week
to fix. He fixed
yours in one day.
JERRY
Oh, you know these jewellers, they're
enigmas. They're
mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.
Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table.
Helen watches her.
HELEN
(indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.
JERRY
She's okay.
HELEN
Just okay?
JERRY
She's nice.
HELEN
She's better than nice.
JERRY
She's all right.
HELEN
She's beautiful.
JERRY
She's not beautiful.
HELEN
I think she's beautiful.
JERRY
So you ask her out.
HELEN
I'm not gonna ask her out.
JERRY
Why not?
HELEN
If you don't think she's beautiful,
there's something wrong with
you.
JERRY
She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
HELEN
I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
JERRY
I think that's a little extreme.
LEO
(grudgingly) She's awright.
MORTY
(oblivious to the above) Two exact same
watches. He tells you a
week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about
this.
(George's Car)
GEORGE
He said what?
SUSAN
"The hell with them."
GEORGE
"The hell with them?"
SUSAN
Those were his exact words.
GEORGE
(worried) Oh boy.
SUSAN
He said, "We've got five hundred shows
to choose from. Why
should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience,
more money?"
GEORGE
(still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
SUSAN
Pounded on his desk.
GEORGE
Pounded?
SUSAN
(tossing her purse on the dash) I told
you to take the offer.
GEORGE
(getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had
nothing to do with this.
It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the
creative
guy. He handles the business end.
SUSAN
You said it was insulting.
GEORGE
I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted?
I'm never insulted.
You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults
me.
SUSAN
Well, there's nothing I can do.
GEORGE
Well, don't they make a counter offer?
How can they just cancel
the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy?
I mean he
just, he says no, and that's it?
SUSAN
Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He
doesn't like to play games.
GEORGE
Well, he has to play! He can't just
not play. We're playing!
Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?
SUSAN
You'll have to wait til Monday.
GEORGE
Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday,
that's impossible, I
gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?
SUSAN
(laugh) I can't give you his address.
George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse
on the
dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.
SUSAN
Give it back!
GEORGE
Gimme the purse!
(Kramer's Apartment)
Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch.
ELAINE
Okay, so he just wants to talk to you.
I couldn't talk him out
of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that
we're in love,
okay. Can you do that?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
ELAINE
Okay.
KRAMER
Have we been intimate?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
KRAMER
Alright, how often do we do it?
ELAINE
Kramer, how is that important? Honestly,
do you really think
he's gonna ask you that?
KRAMER
Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're
interested in stuff like
that.
ELAINE
Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks)
five times a week,
okay?
KRAMER
(suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)
ELAINE
Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell
me something, what are you
gonna say?
KRAMER
I know what I'm gonna say.
ELAINE
No, no, but I would like to hear it.
KRAMER
No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud.
Kills the spontaneity.
You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay,
go 'head, do it.
Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.
ELAINE
(dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to
him.
KRAMER
(playing with his hair) Talk to him.
ELAINE
Hey, how's your hair?
KRAMER
Oh, well, yeah, it's good.
ELAINE
(handing over the phone) You're not
the type that should be
playing with matches, seriously Kramer.
KRAMER
(listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh,
Reston, is he in? Well,
this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.
ELAINE
(mouths silently) Okay.
Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.
KRAMER
(singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel.
He rode through the land...
He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell
is he
doing?' look.
KRAMER
...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston.
Uhm well, hello
there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...
ELAINE
(animated, but quietly) No, no. Not
friends.
KRAMER
...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're
not friends Uh, we're uh,
we're much more than friends...
Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep
going.
KRAMER
...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit
of a problem. Well, the
point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...
Elaine smiles.
KRAMER
...and uh, she's very much in love with
me, and uh, well uh, we
would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow
us to pursue
our courtship unfettered.
Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.
ELAINE
(mouths silently) That's perfect!
KRAMER
If not, I can assure you, doctor, that
I can make things very
unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.
Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate
he's
doing so well.
KRAMER
Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.
KRAMER
...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh,
yeah, that's possible...
Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.
KRAMER
(listens) ...Well, I suppose I could,
(turns away from Elaine)
but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for
a second, will
you? Uh...
Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on
his knee.
Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.
KRAMER
... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and
makes a note) Alright
uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens)
Eh, hah, okay. So
long.
Kramer hangs up the phone.
ELAINE
What happened? What'd he say? (indicates
pad) What's going on
here?
KRAMER
Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh,
wants to get together.
ELAINE
(horrified) Get together!!
KRAMER
He wants to talk.
ELAINE
Well, why didn't you say no!!
KRAMER
(momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh...
(thoughtful) That's
interesting.
Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.
ELAINE
(frustration) Ugh!
(Restaurant)
Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.
NAOMI
Did you enjoy your poisson?
HELEN
It was... different.
NAOMI
(to Jerry) And how was yours?
JERRY
Ah, very good.
NAOMI
You should try our mousse. (a little
flirtatious) It'll change
your life expectancy.
JERRY
No thanks, just the check.
Naomi leaves.
HELEN
What's the matter with you?
JERRY
What?
HELEN
Why didn't you flirt with her?
JERRY
Come on.
HELEN
She was flirting with you. Why didn't
you say something?
JERRY
What am I gonna say?
HELEN
You just sat there.
JERRY
Well, you made me uncomfortable.
HELEN
You're a comedian, couldn't you come
up with something?
LEO
(to Morty) Where's the bathroom?
JERRY
In the back, on your right.
Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table.
As he
puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug
of war
develops.
JERRY
Dad!
MORTY
Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.
HELEN
Jerry.
JERRY
Will you let me pay just once.
MORTY
You're out of your mind.
JERRY
How you gonna pay? You don't even have
a wallet!
MORTY
Don't worry about it.
JERRY
What're you gonna do?
MORTY
What's the difference, we'll figure
something out.
HELEN
(to Jerry) You're not paying.
Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take
the check.
JERRY
Alright, fine. You figure something
out. I'd be very curious to
know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works,
the whole
monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing)
I'm going to the
bathroom.
Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to
read it
too.
MORTY
How the hell am I gonna pay for this?
(Restaurant Bathroom)
Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry
in the
mirror.
LEO
They give you some portion here, huh?
JERRY
Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey
uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't
uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh,
I really did have
to get to
a meeting.
LEO
(preening himself in the mirror) Aw,
no, no, I understand. I got
plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.
JERRY
So you found that watch in the garbage
can, huh?
LEO
Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran
into you.
JERRY
Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine
has a watch just like that.
I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.
LEO
Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating
watch) these.
Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping
pace
with him.
JERRY
Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell
me that one.
LEO
(sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)
Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the
arm.
JERRY
(pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second.
I got a little
proposition for you.
(Apartment Building Lobby)
A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous
George
stands beside him.
DOORMAN
(into phone) There's a George Bonanza
to see you.
GEORGE
Costanza. Costanza.
DOORMAN
(into phone) George Costanza.
GEORGE
The guy who pitched him the show with
the stories about
nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
DOORMAN
(into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens)
(to George) He
says, call him Monday.
A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and
pulls
it down so's he can speak into it.
GEORGE
(into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple!
Mister Dalrimple I have
to talk to you!
DOORMAN
Excuse me.
GEORGE
It's about the show. It... No, it was...
DOORMAN
Excuse me.
GEORGE
...It was all a terrible misunderstanding,
sir. Just five
minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you!
Thank you, Mister
Dalrimple.
George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman
should
listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.
DOORMAN
(into phone) Very good, sir.
A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads
toward
Russell Dalrimple's apartment.
(Restaurant)
Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who
speaks
with an approximate French accent.
MORTY
You don't understand. I can't allow
my son to pay for me. Look,
as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you
a check.
MAITRE D'
Why don't you just let him pay, and
then you can pay him
back?
MORTY
No, no, he won't let me do that.
MAITRE D'
Why don't you just put the money in
his pants pocket,
unsuspectingly?
MORTY
He could wash them.
MAITRE D'
Monsieur, we are running a reputable
business.
MORTY
Don't tell me about business! I sold
raincoats for thirty-five
years!
MAITRE D'
Aha, but you did not give them away,
did you?
MORTY
You don't understand my...
MAITRE D'
Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved
with you and your
family, ah.
(Street Corner)
Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.
ELAINE
Now look, don't take too long.
KRAMER
(looking around) Look at this building.
What is this?
ELAINE
I don't know. It's a building.
KRAMER
(indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
ELAINE
So what?
KRAMER
(looking around) It's architecturally
incorrect.
ELAINE
(frustrated) Just go.
Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye,
then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.
(Russell Dalrimple's Apartment)
Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background
is
a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful
date. She
looks haughty and bored throughout the scene.
GEORGE
(sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope
I'm not disturbing
anything.
RUSSELL
We were about to sit down to dinner.
George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.
RUSSELL
(indicating) This is Cynthia.
GEORGE
(entering the apartment more fully)
Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to
meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?
RUSSELL
No.
GEORGE
Looks like veal.
RUSSELL
It's not veal.
GEORGE
Well, it's a good looking piece of meat.
(laughs nervously)
Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at
this, you got stairs in
an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an
apartment.
Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really
not all that
sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)
RUSSELL
Who gave you my address?
GEORGE
No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm...
(nervous chuckle)
Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell)
He uh, he gave it
to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
Russell closes the door.
GEORGE
He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go
to Marlon Brando's house
if I
really wanted.
Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.
GEORGE
Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy
is uh, well obviously
(to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.
RUSSELL
So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk
about the show?
Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee
table.
As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks
up the glass
and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.
GEORGE
Well, you know, it's really very funny,
because you know what
we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible
misunderstanding.
You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry
wanted me to
say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.
CYNTHIA
(bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.
GEORGE
Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll
tell you what's on. You
got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...
RUSSELL
Blossom's on Monday.
GEORGE
Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking
to. The president of
NBC. (forced laughter)
RUSSELL
Look Mister Costanza, it's too late
now anyway. I already made
a deal with another writing team.
GEORGE
(worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're
people, you and me,
huh? Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll
do it for
the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up
here, we
never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell
toward the door) It
was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia)
Cynthia, right?
George is opening the door.
RUSSELL
Alright, now look. These deals are already
made.
George closes the door and turns back to Russell.
GEORGE
Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand
dollars, alright,
and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your
dinner, have your
veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...
George opens the door, and is halfway through.
RUSSELL
Mister Costanza.
George re-enters again.
GEORGE
Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight
thousand dollars. (to
Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on
the shoes? I love
suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it
against the
grain? Alright, anyway...
George is halfway through the door again.
CYNTHIA
(bored, frustrated) Russell, can we
eat?
RUSSELL
(to George) Alright. Eight thousand.
GEORGE
(pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.
George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns
to
Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens
it, to reveal
George.
GEORGE
May I just use your bathroom for a moment?
(Restaurant Bathroom)
Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.
JERRY
Alright, two hundred, but that's as
high as I can go. I really
think you're being unreasonable here!
LEO
Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's
not the money, I happen to
like it.
JERRY
Look, I happen to know how much that
watch cost. It's a sixty
dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred
dollars. I'm
offering you two hundred!
LEO
(indicating) I've never seen a band
like this.
JERRY
Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty
for the repair. Three
fifty, that's it!
LEO
You have it on you?
JERRY
Yeah, I think I do.
Jerry fetches out his wallet.
JERRY
(under his breath) This is unbelievable.
Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to
the
bathroom opens and Morty enters.
MORTY
What the hell is going on here?
(Dr Reston's Office)
On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces
himself to Dr Reston.
KRAMER
Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's
a pleasure to meet you.
RESTON
(shaking hands) Thank you for coming
in.
KRAMER
Thank you.
RESTON
Please, sit down.
Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face
each
other, he crosses his legs.
KRAMER
(quiet) Okay.
Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing
rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr
Reston's crossed
legs sitting position.
RESTON
Could I offer you something to drink.
Uhm, coffee? Anything?
KRAMER
Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have
a decaf cappuccino?
RESTON
I don't think we have that.
KRAMER
Well, that's a little strange.
RESTON
Uh, why does that surprise you?
KRAMER
Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
RESTON
This is an office.
KRAMER
That's true. But, you know, I can't
help but think that uh...
RESTON
(interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...
KRAMER
...Okay, yes, shoot.
RESTON
Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.
KRAMER
Oh, alrighty uh...
He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble
from
the leather.
KRAMER
Well, what we have here, doctor, is
uhm, an extraordinary
situation.
RESTON
Is it?
KRAMER
Oh, you better believe it.
(Street Corner)
Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls
Joe
Davola, singing as he goes.
DAVOLA
(singing) '...Travelling along...'
Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in.
ELAINE/DAVOLA
'...singing a song, side by side...'
Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what
he sees,
and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.
ELAINE
Wow. You really have a terrible voice.
DAVOLA
Do I know you?
ELAINE
Uhh, I don't think so.
DAVOLA
'Cos you really look familiar.
ELAINE
Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face
is on uhm, Mount
Rushmore.
DAVOLA
Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess
I'm just used to seeing
it on a much larger scale.
ELAINE
Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy
Roosevelt.
DAVOLA
Oh really.
ELAINE
Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.
They laugh and smile at each other.
(Dr. Reston's Office)
Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.
KRAMER
You know, I never thought of it like
that before, doctor.
(points) You, are absolutely right.
RESTON
I'm glad we agree.
KRAMER
(reaching in pocket) Hey, would you
like a cigar? Y'know,
they're Cubans.
RESTON
I'd love one.
Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.
KRAMER
Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a
wonderful woman. You two
are gonna make a wonderful couple.
Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.
RESTON
If you ever feel, a need to talk to
someone...
KRAMER
(lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.
RESTON
...About anything. You have my number.
KRAMER
(lighting his own cigar) Well, that's
very kind of you.
Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a
box of
tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.
KRAMER
Mmm, these are good, huh?
Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.
KRAMER
(quiet) Oh.
Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it
to put
out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for
it, he keeps
the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers.
He jumps, almost
dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.
(Street Corner)
Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number
on a
piece of paper.
ELAINE
I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never
meet people like this.
You're not a nut, are you?
DAVOLA
No, I don't think so.
Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as
they
laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.
(Restaurant)
Naomi is handing her card to Jerry.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm doing this. I never
do stuff like this.
NAOMI
(joking) Really? I give out my number
to just about every
customer who comes in here.
JERRY
Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem
that desperate.
NAOMI
(playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually,
I'm a little
disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.
JERRY
Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call,
and thanks for the fish.
By the way, you know why fish are so thin?
NAOMI
Why?
JERRY
They eat fish.
Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh
later
described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and
persistent. Jerry
leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of
disbelief on his face.
(Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office)
A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling
'Side
By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door
opens and
Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer
walks away,
relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling
happily.
(Street Corner)
Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens
and one
of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door,
which swings
shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
What happened? What took you so long?
KRAMER
Hey, he's a terrific guy.
ELAINE
Wha...? What are you talking about?
What'd he say?
KRAMER
Well, we talked about a lot of things.
The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's
office.
ELAINE
You talked about a lot of things? Well...
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Did you talk about us?
Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the
window
fade up.
DAVOLA
I'm in love. I just met her outside
in the street. Her
name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
RESTON
Did you say Elaine?
(Nightclub)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
How come the psychiatrist, every, the
hour is only fifty
minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they
have left? Do they just
sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe
the things he
was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another
headcase!"
(Jerry's Apartment)
Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing
packing.
MORTY
You shoulda told me it didn't work.
JERRY
I know, I know.
HELEN
You didn't have to throw it out.
JERRY
I was always late. It was frustrating
me. I'm sorry, I really
am.
The buzzer sounds.
HELEN
Oh, that must be Leo.
JERRY
I woulda taken you to the airport.
HELEN
He has nothing to do.
JERRY
Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?
GEORGE
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
MORTY
Oh, it's George.
HELEN
What ever happened with NBC and the
deal?
JERRY
Ah, George turned it down.
HELEN
He turned it down?
JERRY
Yeah.
HELEN
Why did he do that?
JERRY
Because of Ted Danson.
HELEN
What does Ted Danson have to do with
it?
MORTY
Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.
JERRY
(fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey,
who knows, maybe we'll
wind up getting more money.
George enters.
GEORGE
(to Jerry) Hey.
MORTY
Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?
GEORGE
Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand)
Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How
are you?
He approaches Helen for a greeting.
HELEN
What's the matter with you?
GEORGE
What'd I do?
JERRY
What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
GEORGE
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.
GEORGE
We got a deal.
There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed
at
George.
MORTY/HELEN/JERRY
(simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We
got a deal!
JERRY
Heyy! Terrific.
MORTY
You see, he had the right idea. Hold
out. That's how you get the
big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)
GEORGE
Uh, please, Morty.
MORTY
No, no, no. He knows how to talk to
these people. No-one's gonna
take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)
GEORGE
I'm just happy to be working with your
talented son...
JERRY
Aww...
GEORGE
...Who's not doing this for the money.
JERRY
...C'mon.
GEORGE
You have no idea how refreshing that
is.
JERRY
So what'd we get?
GEORGE
(big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
JERRY
Beautiful!
GEORGE
(quietly) That's uh, for the two of
us.
HELEN
Four thousand apiece?
JERRY
Lemme see if I understand this. In other
words, you held out
for... less money.
GEORGE
I was wrong, you were right.
JERRY
You know, the basic idea of negotiation,
as I understand it, is
to get your price to go... up.
GEORGE
You're smart, I'm dumb.
JERRY
You know, this is how they negotiate
in the bizarro world.
The buzzer sounds.
HELEN
That's gotta be Leo.
JERRY
(to intercom) Yeah?
LEO
Leo.
JERRY
Alright, we're coming down.
MORTY
Alright, let's get going.
JERRY
Dad, before we go, I got a little something
for you.
Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers
it to
Morty.
JERRY
A present.
MORTY
A present?
Morty opens it.
MORTY
Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly
what I needed, y'see.
JERRY
C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured
I'd get you another one.
HELEN
I hope you didn't spend too much on
that.
MORTY
I wanna tell you. This is one of the
most thoughtful gifts
anyone's ever given me.
HELEN
He's something, you son, isn't he?
JERRY
Ah hah, alright, let's go.
Everyone begins to head for the door.
MORTY
You're a terrific kid.
Jerry picks up a case.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE
Yeah, he's something, isn't he?
George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.
HELEN
How could anybody not like you?
GEORGE
(to Jerry) You're very special.
JERRY
(pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about
four thousand dollars.
(Street)
Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.
LEO
Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch)
uh, twelve twenty-two.
MORTY
Alright, Leo.
JERRY
Hey, uncle Leo.
LEO
Hi, hi...
JERRY
How you doing?
There are murmurs of greetings.
JERRY
This is some beautiful parking spot
you got here.
LEO
Yeah, I hate to give it up.
JERRY
Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need
any more money?
MORTY
Jerry!
JERRY
Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have
a nice trip.
HELEN
(hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.
GEORGE
Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.
MORTY
Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again
for the wallet.
GEORGE
(shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always
a pleasure.
JERRY
Take care now. So long.
Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment.
They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.
GEORGE
Yeah, like he was really gonna take
your money.
JERRY
Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars
in the new wallet.
GEORGE
You're kidding.
JERRY
He lost all that cash. It was the only
way I could give it back
to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.
GEORGE
Man, would I like to see the look on
his face.
Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.
MORTY
You believe this?
HELEN
What?
MORTY
(indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.
HELEN
You're kidding.
MORTY
Who needs this?
He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.
MORTY
Leo, let's go.
Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and
walks
toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his
eye. Leo picks the
wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching,
and tucks it
into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.
(Comedy club)
Jerry's standup piece.
JERRY
...main difference between the women's
wallet and the man's
wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph
of every
person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since
the beginning
of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean?
It's, "Here's my
cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is
my dog. He died
during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped
by a cop, no
licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six
people that
know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure
you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."
THE END
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