"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 902
"DIE HIPPIE, DIE!"
Written by
Trey Parker
[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she
answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is
carrying a tank of something on his back]
CARTMAN
Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up
the neighborhood from parasites. Do
you mind if I take a quick look around
your house? I'm afraid you may have
hippies.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Hippies?
CARTMAN
Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over
the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson
next door had seven hippies in her basement;
they usually live in colonies. Hm,
I don't like the sound of that. Could
I take a look in your attic?
[The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight,
turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.]
CARTMAN
Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am.
See that? Hippies.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh my.
CARTMAN
These are what we call the uh giggling
stoners. Pretty common form of hippie,
usually found in the attics. Problem
is, if you see one hippie, there's probably
a whole lot more you're not seein'.
Uh, whe-where's the backyard.
[The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks
out onto the back porch]
CARTMAN
Yep, that's what I thought. See that?
You've got a drum circle in your backyard.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, well they showed up a few days ago,
but I didn't think they were hurting
anything.
CARTMAN
Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson
county. He had a little drum circle
in his backyard. It turned into a drum
circle four miles in diameter. You get
a few hippies playing drums and next
thing you know, you got yourself a colony.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh dear.
[back inside the house]
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, well, so, so what do I do?
CARTMAN
Well, your attic could be so we can
fumigate with polymerethane. The drum
circle we're gonna have to gas. Goddamnit!
HIPPIE 1
Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm
so high.
CARTMAN
Goddamn hippie!
HIPPIE 1
Whoa, dude!
CARTMAN
Get out of here!
HIPPIE 1
Not cool! What's up?!
CARTMAN
Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling
stoners and your drum-cricle hippies
RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract
something much worse!
ELDERLY WOMAN
Ooooo.what's that?
CARTMAN
The college know-it-all hippies.
[The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the
back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at
Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car]
DRIVER
Wow, my friend Brittany was right.
This is a really laid-back place.
WOMAN 1
Yeah, this will be a great place to
spend spring break.
KYLE
Hey, let's ask them.
STAN
All right. 'Scuse me. Hello, we are
selling magazine subscriptions for our
community youth program. Would you like
to help young people like us by purchasing
a subscription of your choice?
DRIVER
Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing
that. Don't you know what you're doing
to the world?
KYLE
Wha- whataya mean?
MAN 1
You're playing into the corporate game!
See, the corporations are trying to
turn you into little Eichmanns so that
they can make money.
STAN
Who are the corporations?
WOMAN 2
The corporations run the entire world.
And now they fooled you into working
for them.
STAN
Are you serious?? We never heard that.
DRIVER
We just spent our first semester at
college. Our professors opened our eyes.
The government is using its corporate
ties to make you sell magazines so they
can get rich.
KYLE
Ugh! Those dirty liars!
KENNY
(Sonofabitch!)
MAN 2
This is a really nice town you have
here. That's why the corporations are
trying to use you to take it down.
STAN
Well... Well what do we do?
DRIVER
Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill
you in on everything you haven't been
told.
[Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there
and one of them pounds the door to get out]
HIPPIE 2
It is time to let us out! I'm sending
your names! Open this door right now!
CARTMAN
All right, in you go.
HIPPIE 2
What are you doing, man?!
HIPPIE 3
Let us out!
CARTMAN
Get back. Get back or you're all gonna
get maced!
HIPPIE 2
What's up, man?! You can't keep us down
here like this!
HIPPIE 4
What's wrong with you?!
CARTMAN
What's wrong is that there's more of
you showing up every day and I need
to find out why!
HIPPIE 5
What makes you think you could tell
us where to live?!
HIPPIE 6
This is a free country, man!
CARTMAN
Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you,
all right? Just go with it.
HIPPIE 3
Just go with it? We've been down here
for days!
CARTMAN
And you're gonna be here a little longer,
brah, all right? Here, here's some joints
, and a guitar!
SINGER
What's goin' on in this world o'mine?
There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine.
Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...
[Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge
of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a
peace sign]
STAN
Sign, sign everywhere. Sign
Done something to my mind.
SHARON
Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the
mall. Do you wanna come?
STAN
Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate
fatcats to imprison you into a life
of servitude. I've got some stuff you
should read.
SHARON
Okay, sweetie.
[City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at
the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town
sitting on either side.]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
All right, people, we can move onto
issue number 14B.
CHEF
Mayor, we have got to do somethin'
about all these potholes on our roads!
LINDA STOTCH
We don't have it in the budget to fix
them right now.
KYLE'S FATHER
We'll wish we spent the money when
we have a lawsuit on our hands.
CHEF
We-
GUARD
You can't go in there!
CARTMAN
Please, I have to talk to you all right
now!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Kid, we're have a city council meeting.
CARTMAN
Mayor, something very big is happening,
and if you all don't give me a moment
of your time, there may be no more South
Park to council over!
RANDY
What are you talking about?
CARTMAN
I'm talking about the end of all life
as we know it. For the past several
days I've been... noticing a steep rise
in the number of hippies coming to town.
At first I thought maybe it was just
a coincidence. Then I saw this...
Three new drum circles have sprouted
up here, here, and here. They're all
growing in diameter, at a rate of two
hippies per hour. What this means...
is that the hippies are conglomerating.
They'er thriving, if you will. I think
that they're setting up for a... . hippie
music festival.
LINDA
A what?
CARTMAN
Ti's, it's simple science. Look: When
hippies start to nest in a new area,
it draws other hippies in. With the
right weather conditions and topography,
it can lead to a music festival. One
that last for days, even weeks. Reggae
on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man,
they will all pale in comparison to
what we're looking at now. In my professional
opinion... I think we're looking at
a full-blown hippie jam festival the
size of which we've never seen.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Kid, what the hell are you talking about?
CARTMAN
I know hippies. I've hated them all
my life. I've kept this town free of
hippies on my own since I was five and
a half. But I can't contain them on
my own anymore. We have to do something,
fast!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about
potholes right now, m'kay.
CARTMAN
It's not potholes you need to worry
about. It's potheads. I know what these
people are capable of.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Johnson, get him out of here.
CARTMAN
What are you doing?! You have to listen
to me! You can't sweep this problem
under the rug! The town is in serious
danger!
[A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on
it]
DRIVER
You see, the corporations take their
profits and invest it in the war machine
while keeping everyone blind.
STAN
Right, so how do we get back at them?
KYLE
Yeah, we're pissed off.
DRIVER
Well, so my idea was this: Let's have
like a weeklong music festival, draw
everyone here, and then together, we
can tear it all down. Whoa, what the
hell?!
CARTMAN
I knew you were trying to have a hippie
jam festival! All right, everyone pack
up your crap, we're going to our basement!
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN
Oh Jesus, not you guys? What happened?
Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies?
DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!
STAN
NO!
CARTMAN
Listen, you're my friends, but if you've
been comprimised, I'll have no problem
taking you out! I'll expect the same
from you.
MAN 1
What is your problem? Get lost, little
Eichmann.
WOMAN 2
Oh my God!
MAN 2
What the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN
Everybody get in a single-file line!
OFFICER BARBRADY
There you are!
CARTMAN
Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in
time. These college know-it-all hippies
were setting up for a music festival,
just as I predicted.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.
CARTMAN
What?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I was just over at your house and freed
sixty-three people you had locked in
your basement.
CARTMAN
You let them out?! Jesus, we have to
find them!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh no, you're coming downtown!
CARTMAN
No! No, we have to stop them! You know
how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay!
DRIVER
Who was that?
[South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused]
CARTMAN
What did I do?!
OFFICER BARBRADY
You can't kidnap people and lock them
in your basement.
CARTMAN
They're not people, they're HIPPIES!
MAYOR MCDANIELS.
Is this problem under control?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.
CARTMAN
Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data!
The hippies are going to have a massive
jam band concert!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
I know. I signed the permit.
CARTMAN
You... You what?
MAYOR MCDANIELS
I signed a permit allowing them to have
their concert here. Their little "festival"
should pump some money into our economy.
CARTMAN
They're hippies! They don't HAVE any
money! Does the city council know about
this?!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
They don't have to know. I can sign
whatever permit I want!
CARTMAN
You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! That kid
really needs some psychiatric help.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Yeah.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
All right, let's go.
CARTMAN
How much money is enough, Mayor?! How
many people's lives it it all worth?!
GODDAMNED HIPPIE!
[Breaking News]
ANNOUNCER
This is a South Park News special report!
ANCHORMAN
Thousands of people have descended on
South Park for a hippie music jam festival.
The event is said to be the largest
such gathering in the history of man.
MC
All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest
2005! Sooo great to see sooo many people
turn out to make an impact on on the
world!
STAN
Yeah!
KYLE
You said it!
MC
For too long, the corporations have
bled the world of its love and resources!
It is time for us to get to work and
make the world a better place! And we'reg
onna start right now.
MAN 1
Oh man, I can't wait to see the look
on those little Eichmanns' faces when
they hear this crunchy groove.
[The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the
kitchen]
RANDY
Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?
SHARON
He went with his friends to that music
festival.
RANDY
Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that
kid?!
SHARON
Now, Randy, we were the same way once,
too. Don't forget that we were both
considered hippies back in the '60s.
RANDY
Yeah, but when we did it we actually
stood for something. I mean, remember
Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something
there.
[Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to
the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian.
Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns
and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and
throws up.]
SHARON
You ate too much acid, man!
[Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity
would be seen these days...]
SHARON
...Oh my God. Our son is with those
people.
RANDY
S-stan. STAAAN!
[Breaking News]
ANNOUNCER
This is South Park News!
ANCHORMAN
Fear and horror in South Park today
as the music festival continues to grow.
They're arriving in droves and apparently
no end is in sight.
REPORTER
Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger
and the town is literally bursting at
the seams. We don't know where this
music festival came from, but, it's
very close to consuming us all.
[Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV
as they watch the news brief.]
LINDA
Steven, what do we do?
[Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door
and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams.
A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has
gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy
is seen looking for his son]
RANDY
Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through,
please!
JIMBO
Randy! Randy, you've got to get out
of here! If they just trample this park,
we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!
RANDY
My son is in there! Duh-uh! Stan?!
Stan! Stan!
MALE HIPPIE
Heey, chill man. It's all good.
FEMALE HIPPIE
Have some water laced with acid.
RANDY
Sta-ogh. Ugh!
[City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
What have I done?
MC
Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital
of the world!
[South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having
nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the
cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?
CARTMAN
Great, I love crapping in a toilet
with no rim on it.
RANDY
Eric, you were right. About the hippies.
Could you... get rid of them for us
now?
CARTMAN
Let me guess: they've started a hippie
jam band music festival.
KYLE'S MOTHER
We we need to take care of them, Eric!
They're out of control!
CARTMAN
Forget it.
RANDY
Please. Some of our kids are in there.
We should've listened to you earlier.
CHEF
Yeah. We apologise.
KYLE'S FATHER
Please. Don't let them ruin our town.
CARTMAN
It's too late! Even if I did agree to
help, there's too many of them now!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We know you can do it, Eric. You're
smart. Wha- why you're the smartest
kid in school, m'kay?
RANDY
We're just asking you to try. The whole
town even got together and, and baked
you a cake.
CARTMAN
Don't think that you can buy me with
presents! ...Unless of course it's the
new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
RANDY
It's yours.
CARTMAN
I want the batteries for it too. And
I get to drive it around in the school
parking lot.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Fine.
JIMBO
Anything else?
CARTMAN
Yes. Kyle doesn't get to have one!
Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine
around the school parking lot and get
super-jealous!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, we can promise not to buy one
for Kyle, but we we can't make him watch
you play th- Oh yes! Fine! We'll force
Kyle to watch you.
CARTMAN
All right, fine. But now listen up and
listen good! I've never tried to get
rid of this many hippies before, so
I'm gonna need every resource this town
has! And even if I don't succeed, and
it's a million-to-one shot that I will,
I still get the Tonka radio-controlled
bulldozer and get to play with it in
the school parking lot where Kyle has
to watch me and get super-jealous because
he doesn't have one! Are we clear?!
[The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera
has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view. The boys
are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing
reggae music.]
DRIVER
Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude,
I need more weed.
STAN
So it seems like we have enough people
now. When do we start taking down the
corporations?
MAN 1
Yeah man, the corporations. Right now
they're raping the world for money!
KYLE
Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get
'em.
MAN 2
Right now we're proving we don't need
corporations. We don't need money. This
can become a commune where everyone
just helps each other.
MAN 1
Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who
like, makes bread. A-and one guy who
like, l-looks out for other people's
safety.
STAN
You mean like a baker and a cop?
MAN 2
No no, can't you imagine a place where
people live together and like, provide
services for each other in exchange
for their services?
KYLE
Yeah, it's called a town.
DRIVER
You kids just haven't been to college
yet. But just you wait, this thing is
about to get HUGE.
[Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults
are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various
pictures on a tabloid-size book]
CARTMAN
All right, everyone listen up! The hippie
jam band festival is now fourteen miles
in diameter and five hundred thousand
hippies thick.
RANDY
My God...
CARTMAN
In less than three days, all of South
Park will be completely consumed. My
only hope is to fight our way to the
center of the crowd, and reach the heart,
here. If we can reach the stage, we
can upload this Slayer CD into their
music system. Hippies can't stand death
metal. If everything works, they should
disperse just before they consume us
all.
JIMBO
Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant
flaw. That hippie crowd is massive!
How the hell are we supposed to get
through it and reach the stage?
CARTMAN
We drill. I've designed a vehicle that
can bore its way through even the densest
hippie crowd. They pilots inside will
be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy
music outside.
STEVEN
Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody
drives right into the heart of that
mob?? It's a suicide mission!
CARTMAN
Not just somebody. I need a complete
team to operate this vehicle. Along
with me I'm gonna need a scientest,
an engineer, and of course, a black
person who can sacrifice himself in
case something goes wrong.
RANDY
I'm the... only scientist in town.
LINDA
I'm your engineer.
STEVEN
Honey, no!
LINDA
I have to do it, Steven.
CARTMAN
All right, then we just need a black
person who can sacrifice himself in
case something goes wrong. Lessee,
anyone would do, anyone who meets the
qualifications, let's see... Oh, I
know. How about-
CHEF
Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!
STEVEN
I I can't believe we're actually listening
to this. This is a crazy plan!
RANDY
You got a better ides, Steven?! Damnit,
my son is in there!
CARTMAN
There's no more time for ideas! We have
to have this vehicle up and operational
in less than three days! Look, it's
a long shot! But it's also the only
shot we- got.
[The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and
stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle]
[New report]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where a desparate attempt to save the
town is underway. Some call it a suicide
mission, but the heroic men and women
of the hippie digger may be our only
hope of survival.
RAMDU
Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.
SHARON
Please, save our boy, Randy.
LINDA
Butters, if anything happens to Mommy,
I, I want you to be a good boy.
BUTTERS
Ah I will, Mom.
CHEF
Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's
gonna be fine.
CARTMAN
I... don't want you to worry about me,
Clyde Frog. Hey! You're the best stuffed
animal I've ever had.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Look out for yourselves!
MRS. GARRISON
Godspeed!
[Inside the digger]
CARTMAN
Primary engine running?
RANDY
Check.
CARTMAN
Navigation systems?
LINDA
Online
CARTMAN
Let's punch this baby. We're coming
up on the outer perimeter of the hippies.
Hang on. Reaching hippie crowd. Hull
status?
RANDY
Vehicle shell holding!
[A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]
JIMBO
They're in!
TOWNSFOLK
All right! All right, yeah! We did it!
MAYOR MCDANIELS
All right, people, let's save it!
They still have a long way to go!
[The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting
on throw rugs. They're bored.]
STAN
All right, I can't take it anymore!
I'm getting on that stage!
KYLE
You're doing what?
GUARD
Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo,
woo!
[Inside the digger]
CARTMAN
Switching to secondary fuel line. What's
that?
RANDY
The drill is getting too hot from all
the hippies.
[The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
What's happened?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
They, they s- they stopped. Somethin's
wrong.
STEVEN
Jesus... they're dead in the water.
[The music festival. The digger is dead. Stan approaches the
mic]
STAN
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have
your attention please? What are we doing?
It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem
like we should accomplish something?
A HIPPIE
We're using the power of rock and roll
to change the world! Woo!
STAN
Maybe instead of complaining about corporations
being selfish, we should lookt at ourselves.
I mean, is there anything more selfish
than doing nothing but getting high
and listening to music all day long?
SINGER
He's right. It's time for all of us
to focus our energy and get this hippie
jam into full swing.
[Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.]
CARTMAN
Come on, come on!
LINDA
It's useless. The main power line has
been shut down.
RANDY
Somebody's gonna have to go outside
and activate the backup boosters.
CARTMAN
No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out
there!
CHEF
...I didn't volunteer!
CARTMAN
...All right, fine Chef, go!
CHEF
...Aw damnit!
[The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke
the crowd!
STEVEN
Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them
more time!
[The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to
the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms
towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something, but what
it is we don't hear.]
STAN
Dude, these people have no idea what's
going on. Let's get out of here.
KYLE
We can't. Kenny just checked. There's
a wall of people like seven miles thick
behind us.
STAN
What?? You mean, we're stuck here listening
to this crap?
MAN 2
Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?
MAN 1
More tunes. More tunes!
LINDA
We made it, We made it!
CARTMAN
Hit the PA system NOW! Put me in the
main line!
RANDY
Which cord is it?
CARTMAN
You're the scientist, jackass!
RANDY
I'm a geologist!
LINDA
We don't have time to argue! They're
gonna nuke us!
RANDY
Nyugh!
CARTMAN
Put them in my laptop!
A HIPPIE
Oh man, not cool.
HIPPIE 3
This music is so angry.
MAN 2
This is killing my buzz.
MAN 1
Let's bail on this whole angry scene.
RANDY
It's working!
LINDA
What?
RANDY
It's, it's working!
[The command center.]
MRS. GARRISON
We did it! We did it!
[The music festival. Stan sees his father]
STAN
Dad!
RANDY
Stan!
CHEF
I'm alive!
CARTMAN
Hold it right there, Kyle!
KYLE
Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies
anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.
CARTMAN
Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger
plans for you now.
[South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching
Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another]
CARTMAN
Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee!
Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with
it a little while. Oh, psych! You don't
get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!
THE END
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