"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 603
"FREAK STRIKE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Commercial]
ANNOUNCER
Today on the Maury Povich show, these
poor unfortunate people all have horrible
disfigurements, and you won't believe
how we exploit them for your amusement!
[Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television
from the sofa]
STAN
Hm, that sounds pretty good.
"KENNY"
(Hey guys. What's going on here?)
STAN
Hey Kenny!
"KENNY"
(Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!)
CARTMAN
That's awesome, Kenny.
BUTTERS
Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's
not Kenny! Kenny's dead.
KYLE
Okay, Not-Kenny.
BUTTERS
And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore,
neither! I should be able to be you
guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's
old coat!
STAN
Sh be quite, Not-Kenny, the Maury Povish
freak show is on.
BUTTERS
Oh, all right, then.
[Maury Povich show]
MAURY
Our next guest is a little girl who
was born without a midsection. Please
welcome Damla Jones
DAMLA
Hello, Maury.
[cut to Cartman and the boys]
CARTMAN
Aww, sick dude!
[cut to show]
MAURY
You're a very brave little girl, and
I'm very proud of you.
DAMLA
Thank you
MAURY
Can you tell the audience how miseable
your life is?
DAMLA
Uh-uh, yes. It is.
MAURY
You're a cutey. Do the other kids at
school sometimes make fun of you?
DAMLA
Sometimes.
MAURY
Do people sometimes stare at you?
DAMLA
Sometimes
MAURY
Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell
is that thing"?
DAMLA
Mmm-I don't know.
MAURY
Well your mommy told us you like to
listen to music.
DAMLA
Yes.
MAURY
Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna
give you a three hundred dollar gift
certificate to CD World in Torrance!
All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because
next we're gonna meet a woman who head
was smashed in on a locker! And we're
gonna giver her a makeover!
[cut to sofa]
KYLE
This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich
parades these poor people around on
his show like carnival freaks! And then
gives them prizes at the end after they
joked about it. What a dick!
[cut to show]
ANNOUNCER
Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement
or disability that we can exploit on
the Maury Povish show? If so, call 1-555-HEY
MAURY!
[cut to sofa]
STAN
Dude! One of us should make up some
disease and get on the Maury Povich
show so we can win a prize!
KYLE
Cool!
CARTMAN
Oh YES!!
BUTTERS
Oh, that'd be awesome!
KYLE
Do you think they'll believe it?
STAN
What disease should we say?
CARTMAN
Shhh. Be quite, you guys! Hello, is
this Maury Povish? Oh, well who the
hell are you? Oh. Well I'm calling
about your ad for freaks? Ye-right,
people with disabilities? Yeah, I have
a friend; he has a deformity; I think
he'd be perfect for your show. Great!
Hih-his condition? Uh, he has a condition
called "chinballalitis." Yeah, his
balls actually hang from his chin.
Shut uh- shut up you guys. Yes. Yes,
of course he's very upset about it.
Yes, he cries all the time. Miserable,
uh huh. You wha- Really?
STAN
What?
CARTMAN
Dude, they say they'll fly him out day
after tomorrow!
KYLE
Awesome!
BUTTERS
Cool!
CARTMAN
Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him
to come on the show. There will of
course be a prize involved? Great.
I'll call you back in an hour. No,
thank you. YES!
STAN
This is gonna be so funny!
BUTTERS
Uh, it sure is!
KYLE
But how are we gonna get the balls put
on Butters' chin?
BUTTERS
Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters'
chin?
KYLE
Yeah.
BUTTERS
Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters.
STAN
We know. You're the one doing it, Butters.
Who'd you think we were talkin' about?
BUTTERS
We-ell hold on a second, you guys.
CARTMAN
Hey, I know how we get the balls on
Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks
down the street! They're always making
crasy masks and special effects for
their dumb movies.
BUTTERS
Hang on now.
KYLE
Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set
of balls. Come on, Butters!
BUTTERS
Wait! W-why does it have to be me??
STAN
It has to be you, Butters. Think about
it.
CARTMAN
Yeah.
BUTTERS
But fellas, if I go on Maury Povish,
with- with my balls on my chin, my parents
are gonna get really mad.
KYLE
We'll just tell your parents we're going
on a camping trip with my parents. They'll
never know.
BUTTERS
I'm sorry, but the answer is un uh,
uh uh, uh uh.
STAN
Kenny woulda done it.
BUTTERS
...So? I told you guys before: I'm
not Kenny.
KYLE
We know. Believe me, we know. We're
reminded every day that you're not Kenny
because Kenny... was cool.
CARTMAN
Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive.
He'd put balls on his chin. He was such
an awesome friend.
STAN
Well, come on guys. If Butters won't
even put his balls on his chin for us,
I guess we know where we stand.
CARTMAN
Yeah.
BUTTERS
Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my
mom and dad won't find out?
[The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers
work on Butters]
BRUNET TREKKER
Now, we're going to apply the latex
with some spearmint gum.
BUTTERS
Hey that spearmint gum sure is stinky.
STAN
Where's you get the balls from?
BRUNET TREKKER
We made a plastic mold of his chin,
and then made a latex scrotum and put
two golf balls inside.
CARTMAN
Nice.
BLOND TREKKER
Now we just blend the skin tones, add
a little hair, and presto!
STAN
Wow!
KYLE
That looks awesome!
BUTTERS
Aw, I feel silly.
CARTMAN
They look great on you, Butters. They
really do.
BLOND TREKKER
I believe you owe us payment now?
STAN
All right, the original AVID cut of
Star Wars: Episode I
BRUNET TREKKER
Wooww!
BLOND TREKKER
They weren't lying!
[The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room]
KYLE
Why the hell would they want that anyway?
Episode I sucked balls.
CARTMAN
Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin
balls.
BLOND TREKKER
Here, damnit!
BRUNET TREKKER
Hey, hey! Stop it, man!
[Denver Airport, next day]
ANNOUNCER
Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New
York now ready for general boarding.
STAN
That's your flight, Butters.
CARTMAN
Okay, here's your ticket and they're
gonna have a car waiting for you at
the gate in New York.
BUTTERS
Uh wait. You guys aren't comin' with
me?
STAN
Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch
you on TV.
BUTTERS
Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed
my mind. I don't wanna go.
CARTMAN
God, isn't Butters awesome for doing
this, you guys?
KYLE
Yeah, he sure is.
STAN
Doing all this to bring us back a prize.
What a great friend!
CARTMAN
Buh-ters! Buh-ters!
BUTTERS
Uhhh all right, then. See you guys
tomorrow.
[New York, TV Studio, day]
STAGEHAND
Thanks for coming on the show, kid.
Maury is very excited to meet you. And
this is the Green Room where you can
hang out with the other guests until
we call for you on set. Boy with Balls
on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head,
Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured
Country Singer, and Man With No Face.
BUTTERS
Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've
seen you on TV before.
MAN WITH NO FACE
Yes, this is my sixth appearance.
STAGEHAND
I'll come back in a bit, folks.
ROGER
I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides.
Just take a seat on the couch, kid.
I'll be back in a minute.
BUTTERS
What circuit?
BUTTERS
Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more
than once?
MAN WITH NO FACE
Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally
Jessie five times.
MAN WITH NO LIMBS
I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.
MAN WITH NO FACE
Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being
a freak.
BUTTERS
Oh they, they do, huh?
MAN WITH NO LIMBS
We don't take kindly to that.
BUTTERS
Well I can certainly see why.
MAN WITH NO LIMBS
It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore.
Not after what they saw what we did
to Lobster Boy.
BUTTERS
Lobster Boy?
MAN WITH NO LIMBS
Lying sack of crap.
BUTTERS
What?
BUTTERS
Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake
conditions, too. Those stupid fakers.
STAGEHAND
Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're
up next.
BUTTERS
Oh, Jesus, see me through this.
[Maury Povich Show promo]
ANNOUNCER
Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring
back some of our favorite disfigured
people and introduce you to some new
ones
[Stan's living room. The boys watch TV.]
STAN
Here he comes.
KYLE
This is gonna be awesome!
[Maury Povich Show, new segment]
MAURY
Our next guest suffers from a rare birth
defect which caused his testicles and
scrotum to grow from his chin.
CARTMAN
Testicles and scrotum!
MAURY
Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year
old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park
Colorado. Thanks so much for coming
on our show.
BUTTERS
Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose.
MAURY
So, is it tough being ...different?
BUTTERS
Uhhh, yeah.
MAURY
And do all the kids at school make fun
of you?
BUTTERS
They sure do. They always say to me,
"Butters, you're not Kenny." But I never
said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would
do this and Kenny would do that-
CARTMAN
Uh oh, we're losin' him.
BUTTERS
I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?!
Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh
deal with it.
MAURY
Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make
fun of you because of your condition?
BUTTERS
Uh what condition?
MAURY
You have balls that hang off your chin.
BUTTERS
I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I
do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make
fun of me for that.
STAN, KYLE
Phew.
CARTMAN
Oh, that was close.
MAURY
What names do they call you at school?
BUTTERS
Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they
call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin
Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll
say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!"
MAURY
And do they call you "freak" and and
"weirdo"?
BUTTERS
Well yeah, I s'psoe
MAURY
Do they point at you and laugh? Do
they make you wish you'd never been
born? Make you wish to put an end to
the whole... miserable wretched earth?
BUTTERS
Uh, sure.
MAURY
Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for
you.
STAN, KYLE
Wait, here it is, here it is!
CARTMAN
The present.
MAURY
Because you're such a brave little chinballed
man, we're gonna send you directly from
this studio to the world's largest putt-putt
golf course in the world!
BUTTERS
Oh really?
KYLE
Wow!
CARTMAN
Did he say "the... largest putt-putt
golf course in the world"?
MAURY
Go on, you're going right now!!
STAN
But, that's not fair! That means Butters
gets to go and we don't!
KYLE
Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!
CARTMAN
Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to
screw us over! That asshole!
[Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone]
CARTMAN
Hello, is this the Maury Povich show?
Yes, I'm calling because I saw your
television program, and I also have
balls hanging from my chin. I'd like
to come in and talk about my disorder
and perhaps get a free trip to the largest
putt-putt golf course in the world?
OPERATOR
I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak
shows for now. We're looking for people
for a new topic.
CARTMAN
What's the new topic?
OPERATOR
Please help my out-of-control child.
CARTMAN
Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!
OPERATOR
Really? Is your mother in tears every
day over how disobedient you are?
CARTMAN
Uh, sure!
OPERATOR
Does she worry about you doing drugs
and having sex at such a young age?
CARTMAN
Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and pot
pourri, and queazies
OPERATOR
Well that's great! If you can get your
mom to come in with you, we'd love to
fly you out.
CARTMAN
...my, my mom?
[Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread
men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind
his back]
CARTMAN
Mmoooomm?
LIANE
Yes, sweetie?
CARTMAN
Could yo do me a favor?
LIANE
What's that, my little man?
CARTMAN
Could you um... go on the Maury Povich
show with me and say that I'm out of
control and do drugs and have sex so
that I can go to the largest putt-putt
gold course in the wwoooorrlldd?
LIANE
Hmmm. but you're not out of control,
muffin. You're my perfect little gum
drop.
CARTMAN
I'm just asking you to lie for me. You
love me, don't you?
LIANE
Orf course I do.
CARTMAN
Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such
a wonderful mother.
LIANE
Sweetie, don't.
CARTMAN
Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a
great mother. Such a beautiful mother.
[Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have
apparently heard about the show. Chris has his arms folded in
front of him]
LINDA
Just what did you think you were doing,
Butters? Not only did you lie to us
and say you were on a camping trip with
Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself
AND us on national television!
BUTTERS
Oh I'm sorry, mom.
CHRIS
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this
time, mister! You know, your grandmother
saw the show and had a mild stroke!
BUTTERS
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost
kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go
on TV with balls on my chin again.
CHRIS
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't,
buster!
LINDA
Your father and I have to leave now
to visit Grandma in the hospital, but
you can just take those balls off your
chin and march right up to your room!
BUTTERS
Yes ma'am.
[Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself]
BUTTERS
Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my
chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should
be grounded for a month! Why do I do
these things? Why can't I behave myself?
STAN
Hey Butters, those other freak people
from the show were just over here looking
for you?
BUTTERS
Oh Jesus! They were??
STAN
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
BUTTERS
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
STAN
I- told them where to find you.
BUTTERS
What?? W-why the heck would you do that.
Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein'
a real freak!
STAN
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing
us over.
BUTTERS
Oh Jesus no. They've come to boil me
alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah,
I've gotta get outta here! Wait! I
can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh
Christ, what a pickle!
[Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks
look around]
BUTTERS
Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?
BUTTERS
The union? Oh, that's why you came?
BUTTERS
Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas.
Ah-, I'm grounded.
BUTTERS
For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean,
nothin'. Ah I'm not grounded.
MAN WITH NO FACE
Good, then you can march with us. Freaks
of the world,
THE FREAKS
Unite!
[Maury Povich show]
ANNOUNCER
Today on Maury Povich: These moms don't
know what to do with their out-of-control
kids! Young boys and girls so whorish
on our show that it borders on child
pornography!
MAURY
We're here talking with moms who think
their children are out of control.
Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old
daughter Vanity is already doing drugs
and having sex with older men
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Ooohhhhhhhh
MAURY
Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you
when you tell her toooo... do her homework.
VANESSA
She says she hates me. She, she calls
me "retard"? And, she says my cooch
is all dried up and nobody wants it.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Aawwwwww.
MAURY
Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity!
VANITY
Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers
don't know shit! Fuck you!
MAURY
Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of
control teen.
VANITY
Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit!
You could aks her! I aks her all my
homies that they be down wit it. You
know, it's all good shit. Fuck you,
cocksuckuhs!
[Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.]
CARTMAN
Jeez, that girl is pissed off.
STAGEHAND
Okay, Cartman family, you're on in
two minutes.
[On stage.]
VANESSA
Why can't you just listen to me and
love me Ow!
VANITY
Shu' up! Shut the fuck up, you God-aweful
skank!
[Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.]
LIANE
I'm glad you're not that bad, poopsie-kins
CARTMAN
But if I'm not the most out-of-control
teen, I might not win the prize. Excuse
me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's
wardrobe?
STAGEHAND
Second door on the right.
[Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on
strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"]
THE FREAKS
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike!
THE FREAKS
Yeah!
THE FREAKS
Yeah!
BUTTERS
Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't
picket, guys.
HAMMERHEAD MAN
You're not gonna picket?
BUTTERS
Well it's jsut that my parents are...
I can't picket!
MAN WITH NO LIMBS
Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?
BUTTERS
NO I I'm not a scab.
[Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment]
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to more kids who are out
of control, on the Maury Povich show!
MAURY
Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her
son claims to be the most out-of-control
kid in the world and says there's nothing
his stupid mom can do about it.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Awww.
VANESSA
Why won't you kids behave?
VANITY
Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to
you!
MAURY
So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your
child?
LIANE
Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into
no-nos once in a while, but he's still
my perfect little plumsy-kiddle
MAURY
Well, your son made a video backstage.
Let's take a look.
CARTMAN
Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I
use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch!
Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection!
It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt!
I don't go to school and I kill people!
What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
STUDIO AUDIENCE
BOOOO!!
LIANE
Oh, he's such a cutie.
MAURY
Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Wha'evah! Wha'evah! Maury, my mom can't
control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!
MAURY
Ms. Cartman, what does your son like
to do?
LIANE
Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde
Frog and Wellington Bear.
CARTMAN
Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex
and drugs.
LIANE
Oh, I mean, sex and drugs.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Oooohhh!
CARTMAN
What-evah! What-evah! I'll do what
I waunt!
VANITY
Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho!
I roam with gangs!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs!
And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah!
I'll do what I waunt!
VANITY
What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't
nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot
heroin in the school bathroom!
CARTMAN
What-evah! I ran for Congress and won.
Then I had sex with an intern, killed
her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll
do what I waunt!
[Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on
strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"]
THE FREAKS
Better prizes!
THE FREAKS
Now!
THE FREAKS
Better prizes!
BUTTERS
Better prizes.
THE FREAKS
Now!
BUTTERS
Never. Sir, I really gotta go home.
My parents are gonna be sore at me.
BUTTERS
But I gotta get back to my family.
THE FREAKS
Better prizes!
THE FREAKS
Now!
BUTTERS
Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin'
worse.
POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay folks, we're gonna have to move
along.
POLICE CAPTAIN
I'm sorry, but the government does not
recognize you as a union. You'll have
to go.
MIDDLE DWARF
What are you saying? That because of
our appearance our organization is less
important?
POLICE CAPTAIN
Now now now, I'm not telling you people
that your union doesn't matter, I'm
just telling you that you're not really...
people.
BUTTERS
Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh.
[Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment]
ANNOUNCER
...child? We're back with Maury.
MAURY
We're here, talking with moms who think
their children are out of control.
VANITY
What evah!
CARTMAN
I slaughtered five baby seals with my
bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what
I waunt!
MAURY
Now let's meet Joline. Joline says
that her daughter is also out of control,
that she's flirting with older men,
and, she's only four months old.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Aawwww.
JOLINE
Mmhmm, that's right Maurih.
MAURY
Let's bring her out: here's Chantal!
So Joline, exactly how is your daughter
out of control? You say she flirts with
older men?
JOLINE
Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have
friends over to the house Chantal will
come waltzin' in the livin' room completely
naked!
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Ooohhh!
VANITY
Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
CARTMAN
What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the
Hutt back into the original Star Wars
movie! I'll do what I waunt!
MAURY
Wow, that is out of control!
JOLINE
Why, just last night I had three gentlemen
callers over to my house, and Chantal
took her clothes off right in front
o' everybody!
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Boooo!
JOLINE
You see? There she goes. There she
goes. OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!
[the screen behind them spuuters and changes. The Maury Povich
logo disappears]
MAURY
What the hell is this?
ELEPHANT MAN
A lot of decent hard-working freaks
in America are losing their talk-show
jobs to freaks of a different nature.
Sure, everyone in this great country
of hours is a freak, but true, physically
deformed freaks must be recognized,
for it's these real freaks that make
you all feel better about yourselves
for not being one. So next time you're
watching television, make sure it's
a show with "freak" freaks, and not
just with people that are freaks because
they're stupid trailer trash from the
South. That's what we mean when we say,
"Look for the True Freak label"
[four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show
[a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember
somewhere,
[a shot of the audience] our union's growing
[a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed
the kids.
[a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house-
We work hard, but who's complaining?
[a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With
TFU we're making our way!
[a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label,
[a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.!
[the Maury Povich logo is restored]
MAURY
Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there,
heh. Anyway-
MAN
They're right. We should have never
crossed that picket line. Come on, honey.
MAURY
Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can
make the other out-of-control kids take...
their clothes off, too!
CARTMAN
Whatevah! I'll crap in my... pants!
CAMERAMAN
Sir, the ratings have just started to
plummet.
MAURY
Ah, those damned freaks!
[Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps
out. The freaks stop and wait]
MAURY
I gave you shoes! And groceries! And
this is how you repay me?! Very well.
Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate!
BUTTERS
Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can
get back home.
CARTMAN
Butters, you have screwed me out of
a prize for the last time!
BUTTERS
Oh. Double hamburgers.
CARTMAN
Aaahh!
BUTTERS
Hey. Things actually turned out... okay
for me this time.
CHRIS
Butters!
BUTTERS
Oh I know.
THE END
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